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Two and a Half Men

S1 E17
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CBS
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Season 1  "Ate the Hamburgers, Wearing the Hats"  1x17

Aired 20 years ago - Feb 23, 2004

Alan offends Charlie by choosing harebrained cousins as Jake's guardians in the event of his death.

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Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 17 (S01E17) - 1
This isn't about what I want. This is about what you want,
 Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 17 (S01E17) - 2
I don't think you're up to the hard work of being a full-time parent to Jake.
 Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 17 (S01E17) - 3
I'm not giving him to anybody. He's not a 5-pound ham.
 Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 17 (S01E17) - 4
and they live in a great school district.
 Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 17 (S01E17) - 5
Who am I thinking of that lives in Kansas?
 Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 17 (S01E17) - 6
Jerry and Faye are both college professors.
 Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 17 (S01E17) - 7
Despite all I've been through with your son,
 Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 17 (S01E17) - 8
Charlie, wait. Okay, how about this?
 Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 17 (S01E17) - 9
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 17 (S01E17) - 10
-Now you can thank me. -Thank you.
 Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 17 (S01E17) - 11
That's my new photo for the Sunday real estate section.
 Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 17 (S01E17) - 12
Is that all grandmommy is good for, to bring you gifts?
 Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 17 (S01E17) - 13
It's also a dinosaur coloring book.
 Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 17 (S01E17) - 14
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 17 (S01E17) - 15
that in the unlikely event that Judith should die, and I should die,
 Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 17 (S01E17) - 16
-Alan, who gets Jake? -Now, see, that's grammatically correct.
 Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 17 (S01E17) - 17
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 17 (S01E17) - 18
I have no idea.
 Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 17 (S01E17) - 19
-No, Mom. No, it's... -Give me back my picture.
 Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 17 (S01E17) - 20
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 17 (S01E17) - 21
Check it out.
 Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 17 (S01E17) - 22
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 17 (S01E17) - 23
What if he wants to go to college or something?
 Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 17 (S01E17) - 24
No, I don't want a do-over. Just bring it on.
 Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 17 (S01E17) - 25
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 17 (S01E17) - 26
Good. You're gonna be fine.
 Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 17 (S01E17) - 27
I'm sorry. Okay, let's get you up, nice and slow.
 Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 17 (S01E17) - 28
-I don't know. -No, don't look.
 Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 17 (S01E17) - 29
-You don't know where the hospital is? -Of course I know where it is.
 Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 17 (S01E17) - 30
We'll get you a chili cheeseburger at the hospital.
 Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 17 (S01E17) - 31
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 17 (S01E17) - 32
Yes! An ambulance. Fifty-fifty shot he's going to a hospital.
 Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 17 (S01E17) - 33
-All right. Just fill this out and have a seat. -No, you don't understand.
 Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 17 (S01E17) - 34
That's it? He's gonna be fine?
 Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 17 (S01E17) - 35
Well, you need to fill this out first.
 Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 17 (S01E17) - 36
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 17 (S01E17) - 37
I want to see if you know. You fell on your head, dude.
 Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 17 (S01E17) - 38
I ate a worm once.
 Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 17 (S01E17) - 39
All right. We're just gonna vote the straight "no" ticket.
 Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 17 (S01E17) - 40
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 17 (S01E17) - 41
It's just to numb your skin so you won't feel the stitches.
 Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 17 (S01E17) - 42
Come on, just hold my hand, look me in the eyes.
 Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 17 (S01E17) - 43
Maybe you'd prefer to wait outside.
 Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 17 (S01E17) - 44
Help us out here, Doc.
 Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 17 (S01E17) - 45
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 17 (S01E17) - 46
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 17 (S01E17) - 47
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 17 (S01E17) - 48
Sure, it's a big brain. You must be very smart.
 Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 17 (S01E17) - 49
I ordered a chili cheeseburger out there. Will they know to bring it in?
 Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 17 (S01E17) - 50
Cool hats.

Or scroll and see one by one:

Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 17 (S01E17) - 2
I don't think you're up to the hard work of being a full-time parent to Jake.
#2 Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 17 (S01E17) - 3
I'm not giving him to anybody. He's not a 5-pound ham.
#3 Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 17 (S01E17) - 4
and they live in a great school district.
#4 Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 17 (S01E17) - 5
Who am I thinking of that lives in Kansas?
#5 Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 17 (S01E17) - 6
Jerry and Faye are both college professors.
#6 Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 17 (S01E17) - 7
Despite all I've been through with your son,
#7 Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 17 (S01E17) - 8
Charlie, wait. Okay, how about this?
#8 Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 17 (S01E17) - 9 #9 Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 17 (S01E17) - 10
-Now you can thank me. -Thank you.
#10 Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 17 (S01E17) - 11
That's my new photo for the Sunday real estate section.
#11 Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 17 (S01E17) - 12
Is that all grandmommy is good for, to bring you gifts?
#12 Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 17 (S01E17) - 13
It's also a dinosaur coloring book.
#13 Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 17 (S01E17) - 14 #14 Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 17 (S01E17) - 15
that in the unlikely event that Judith should die, and I should die,
#15 Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 17 (S01E17) - 16
-Alan, who gets Jake? -Now, see, that's grammatically correct.
#16 Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 17 (S01E17) - 17 #17 Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 17 (S01E17) - 18
I have no idea.
#18 Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 17 (S01E17) - 19
-No, Mom. No, it's... -Give me back my picture.
#19 Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 17 (S01E17) - 20 #20 Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 17 (S01E17) - 21
Check it out.
#21 Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 17 (S01E17) - 22 #22 Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 17 (S01E17) - 23
What if he wants to go to college or something?
#23 Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 17 (S01E17) - 24
No, I don't want a do-over. Just bring it on.
#24 Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 17 (S01E17) - 25 #25 Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 17 (S01E17) - 26
Good. You're gonna be fine.
#26 Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 17 (S01E17) - 27
I'm sorry. Okay, let's get you up, nice and slow.
#27 Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 17 (S01E17) - 28
-I don't know. -No, don't look.
#28 Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 17 (S01E17) - 29
-You don't know where the hospital is? -Of course I know where it is.
#29 Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 17 (S01E17) - 30
We'll get you a chili cheeseburger at the hospital.
#30 Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 17 (S01E17) - 31 #31 Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 17 (S01E17) - 32
Yes! An ambulance. Fifty-fifty shot he's going to a hospital.
#32 Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 17 (S01E17) - 33
-All right. Just fill this out and have a seat. -No, you don't understand.
#33 Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 17 (S01E17) - 34
That's it? He's gonna be fine?
#34 Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 17 (S01E17) - 35
Well, you need to fill this out first.
#35 Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 17 (S01E17) - 36 #36 Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 17 (S01E17) - 37
I want to see if you know. You fell on your head, dude.
#37 Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 17 (S01E17) - 38
I ate a worm once.
#38 Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 17 (S01E17) - 39
All right. We're just gonna vote the straight "no" ticket.
#39 Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 17 (S01E17) - 40 #40 Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 17 (S01E17) - 41
It's just to numb your skin so you won't feel the stitches.
#41 Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 17 (S01E17) - 42
Come on, just hold my hand, look me in the eyes.
#42 Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 17 (S01E17) - 43
Maybe you'd prefer to wait outside.
#43 Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 17 (S01E17) - 44
Help us out here, Doc.
#44 Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 17 (S01E17) - 45 #45 Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 17 (S01E17) - 46 #46 Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 17 (S01E17) - 47 #47 Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 17 (S01E17) - 48
Sure, it's a big brain. You must be very smart.
#48 Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 17 (S01E17) - 49
I ordered a chili cheeseburger out there. Will they know to bring it in?
#49 Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 17 (S01E17) - 50
Cool hats.
#50