Status
Ended
Network
CBS
SEASON
EPISODE

Season 9

Aired 8 years ago - May 14, 2012

Jake graduates and must decide what to do with his life.

Aired 8 years ago - May 07, 2012

Zoey isn't convinced Alan deserves all the love and affection he receives upon his return from the hospital.

Aired 8 years ago - Apr 30, 2012

Charlie's ghost pays a visit to Alan after he suffers a minor heart attack.

Aired 8 years ago - Apr 16, 2012

Zoey and her daughter move in with Walden; Alan gets more than he bargained for with Lyndsey.

Aired 8 years ago - Apr 09, 2012

Walden breaks the news to Zoey that he is going into business with his ex-wife. Alan and Lyndsey try to cope with their mom's relationship.

Aired 8 years ago - Mar 19, 2012

Alan and Lyndsey introduce their mothers. Jake and Eldridge get a ride from Walden to a party.

Aired 8 years ago - Feb 27, 2012

Walden's ex-business partner shows up at the beach house looking to make peace.

Aired 8 years ago - Feb 20, 2012

A near-death experience has an adverse effect on Zoey and Walden's relationship; Alan thinks Lyndsey may have a drinking problem.

Aired 8 years ago - Feb 13, 2012

When a huge storm keeps Walden, Alan, Zoey and Lindsay at home on Valentine's Day, conflict brews and relationships are strained.

Aired 8 years ago - Feb 06, 2012

Walden tries to loosen Zooey up by sharing some of Berta's special brownies.

Aired 8 years ago - Jan 16, 2012

Zoey tries to convince Walden to cut his hair and shave; Alan and Lyndsey revive their relationship.

Aired 8 years ago - Jan 02, 2012

Walden’s ex-wife and mother try to take control of his company, so he turns to Alan for help.

Aired 8 years ago - Dec 12, 2011

Walden's mother arrives and Alan is smitten with her, even as she reveals a secret about Walden's past that sends him into a downward spiral.

Aired 8 years ago - Dec 05, 2011

Walden is trying his best to impress his new love interest when Bridget reappears in his life.

Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 9 Episode 11 (S09E11) - 1
And once I sign them, my marriage will be over forever.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 9 Episode 11 (S09E11) - 2
Oh, uh, you got a pen?
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 9 Episode 11 (S09E11) - 3
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 9 Episode 11 (S09E11) - 4
I will give you a hundred dollars to borrow that pen.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 9 Episode 11 (S09E11) - 5
♪ Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men ♪
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 9 Episode 11 (S09E11) - 6
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 9 Episode 11 (S09E11) - 7
Right, right, right, right, right, right.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 9 Episode 11 (S09E11) - 8
- Mm. So... - Hmm?
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 9 Episode 11 (S09E11) - 9
Oh, that a new restaurant?
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 9 Episode 11 (S09E11) - 10
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 9 Episode 11 (S09E11) - 11
We can go surfing in Fiji, skiing in the Alps,
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 9 Episode 11 (S09E11) - 12
if we should be making Christmas plans just yet.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 9 Episode 11 (S09E11) - 13
Oh, God, stop it.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 9 Episode 11 (S09E11) - 14
Yeah, there is a bit of deja vu.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 9 Episode 11 (S09E11) - 15
I could write a book.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 9 Episode 11 (S09E11) - 16
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 9 Episode 11 (S09E11) - 17
No, it means that I like her.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 9 Episode 11 (S09E11) - 18
She thinks I'm on the rebound.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 9 Episode 11 (S09E11) - 19
Dude, even I know that's wrong.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 9 Episode 11 (S09E11) - 20
Oh, I get it. You're a chick.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 9 Episode 11 (S09E11) - 21
This is absolutely ridiculous.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 9 Episode 11 (S09E11) - 22
Oh, I'm not trying to have sex with you.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 9 Episode 11 (S09E11) - 23
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 9 Episode 11 (S09E11) - 24
What about getting a diamond necklace for a girl
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 9 Episode 11 (S09E11) - 25
Oh, God, you didn't buy me a pony, did you?
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 9 Episode 11 (S09E11) - 26
But don't worry, one phone call and she's out on her ass.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 9 Episode 11 (S09E11) - 27
PILOT (over P.A.): Mr. Schmidt, we'll be descending
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 9 Episode 11 (S09E11) - 28
WALDEN (British accent): Hello, Heathrow!
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 9 Episode 11 (S09E11) - 29
Want to explain the hat?
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 9 Episode 11 (S09E11) - 30
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 9 Episode 11 (S09E11) - 31
Hey, man...
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 9 Episode 11 (S09E11) - 32
♪ Zoey, Zoey, Zoey, Zoe, Zoey... ♪
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 9 Episode 11 (S09E11) - 33
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 9 Episode 11 (S09E11) - 34
Is everything okay? You don't look happy.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 9 Episode 11 (S09E11) - 35
He met his wife on a rebound,
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 9 Episode 11 (S09E11) - 36
(whispering): It's a trap, don't answer.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 9 Episode 11 (S09E11) - 37
I just, I-I...shouldn't we be taking it slow?
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 9 Episode 11 (S09E11) - 38
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 9 Episode 11 (S09E11) - 39
date two women at the same time?
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 9 Episode 11 (S09E11) - 40
Wait, you said I was immature.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 9 Episode 11 (S09E11) - 41
Can we just hold on for one second?
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 9 Episode 11 (S09E11) - 42
Do you think you and Mom would ever get back together?
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 9 Episode 11 (S09E11) - 43
But used a different word than "freakin'."
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 9 Episode 11 (S09E11) - 44
No, no, I-I have a conundrum.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 9 Episode 11 (S09E11) - 45
for months now, but since I met Zoey, I'm not so sure.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 9 Episode 11 (S09E11) - 46
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 9 Episode 11 (S09E11) - 47
Yeah, but if I get back together with her,
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 9 Episode 11 (S09E11) - 48
Zoey it is.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 9 Episode 11 (S09E11) - 49
Welcome back.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 9 Episode 11 (S09E11) - 50
I don't think it's a good idea to sleep with you,
Aired 8 years ago - Nov 21, 2011

Walden hits it off with a British babe, but neither of them is sure he's ready to re-enter the dating world.

Aired 8 years ago - Nov 14, 2011

Upon his release from the hospital, Alan is met with a slew of challenges that test his ability to cope.

Aired 8 years ago - Nov 07, 2011

When Walden begins redecorating the beach house, Alan becomes overly emotional.

Aired 8 years ago - Oct 31, 2011

Jake has a crush on his chemistry tutor, who has a crush on Walden. Meanwhile, Alan obsesses over the journal his brother left him in his will.

Aired 9 years ago - Oct 24, 2011

Walden receives divorce papers from Bridget, but forgets his depression when he meets a girl who looks eerily like her.

Aired 9 years ago - Oct 17, 2011

Alan has trouble accepting Lyndsey's seedy movie past, and Walden tries to cheer him up by throwing a party.

Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 9 Episode 5 (S09E05) - 1
I haven't watched much porn since college.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 9 Episode 5 (S09E05) - 2
This is not historically accurate.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 9 Episode 5 (S09E05) - 3
I can barely get my hand around it.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 9 Episode 5 (S09E05) - 4
If I wasn't here, would you be masturbating?
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 9 Episode 5 (S09E05) - 5
I don't know.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 9 Episode 5 (S09E05) - 6
use that particular phrase.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 9 Episode 5 (S09E05) - 7
WOMAN: Yes! Yes!
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 9 Episode 5 (S09E05) - 8
Okay, I'm going to go upstairs and masturbate.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 9 Episode 5 (S09E05) - 9
Uh, you never fantasize about anybody else?
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 9 Episode 5 (S09E05) - 10
Boy, she never let me do that to her.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 9 Episode 5 (S09E05) - 11
♪ Men, men, men, manly men ♪ ♪ Ooh ♪
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 9 Episode 5 (S09E05) - 12
♪ Two and a Half Men 9x05 ♪ A Giant Cat Holding a Churro Original Air Date on October 17, 2011
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 9 Episode 5 (S09E05) - 13
Can't expect me to turn on like a light switch
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 9 Episode 5 (S09E05) - 14
when my soul is screaming, "No""
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 9 Episode 5 (S09E05) - 15
We'll talk later.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 9 Episode 5 (S09E05) - 16
Bye, Berta.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 9 Episode 5 (S09E05) - 17
that I don't care about you as a human being.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 9 Episode 5 (S09E05) - 18
that they are not at all who you thought they were?
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 9 Episode 5 (S09E05) - 19
Berta?
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 9 Episode 5 (S09E05) - 20
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 9 Episode 5 (S09E05) - 21
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 9 Episode 5 (S09E05) - 22
Okay, I don't know how to say this
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 9 Episode 5 (S09E05) - 23
I turned on the TV and stumbled on
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 9 Episode 5 (S09E05) - 24
I mean, one minute I-I'm dating
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 9 Episode 5 (S09E05) - 25
I-I was young, stupid and needed the money.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 9 Episode 5 (S09E05) - 26
I'm sorry.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 9 Episode 5 (S09E05) - 27
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 9 Episode 5 (S09E05) - 28
my brother, uh, convinced me
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 9 Episode 5 (S09E05) - 29
So, long story short, I kissed the guy.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 9 Episode 5 (S09E05) - 30
Okay.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 9 Episode 5 (S09E05) - 31
because she gave you $50,000 to keep it a secret.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 9 Episode 5 (S09E05) - 32
Uh, it's just, I kind of stole them from my ex-wife.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 9 Episode 5 (S09E05) - 33
♪ Men. ♪
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 9 Episode 5 (S09E05) - 34
(laughing)
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 9 Episode 5 (S09E05) - 35
and Berta is making my head into a dreamcatcher.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 9 Episode 5 (S09E05) - 36
You should be a guest on my talk show.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 9 Episode 5 (S09E05) - 37
of thinking honesty is the best policy.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 9 Episode 5 (S09E05) - 38
you want to be completely honest
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 9 Episode 5 (S09E05) - 39
Well, it's been real nice talking at the two of you.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 9 Episode 5 (S09E05) - 40
Man, it is hard when the person you love doesn't love you back.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 9 Episode 5 (S09E05) - 41
Um, you don't have to call me back,
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 9 Episode 5 (S09E05) - 42
Um...
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 9 Episode 5 (S09E05) - 43
about your film career.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 9 Episode 5 (S09E05) - 44
Oh, she's gonna take that last part wrong.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 9 Episode 5 (S09E05) - 45
What's... what's going on?
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 9 Episode 5 (S09E05) - 46
They're mmm-mmm good.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 9 Episode 5 (S09E05) - 47
You're right, I'm being thoughtless.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 9 Episode 5 (S09E05) - 48
(laughter)
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 9 Episode 5 (S09E05) - 49
Whoa, I just saw a giant cat holding a churro.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 9 Episode 5 (S09E05) - 50
Oh, God, you saw it, too?
Aired 9 years ago - Oct 10, 2011

Walden goes looking for Mrs. Right while Alan has an opportunity to reconcile with Lyndsey.

Aired 9 years ago - Oct 03, 2011

Alan prepares Walden for a date with Bridget, while Jake decides to emulate Walden and drop out of school.

Aired 9 years ago - Sep 26, 2011

Walden deals with his ex-wife, Bridget.

Aired 9 years ago - Sep 19, 2011

Alan and Jake meet Walden Schmidt, a broken-hearted billionaire.