Status
Ended
Network
CBS
SEASON
EPISODE

Season 11

Aired 6 years ago - May 08, 2014

Alan must face the consequences after revealing his identity to Larry.

Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 11 Episode 22 (S11E22) - 1
of electronic friends I can play with.
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I'm not in the mood for this. Can you turn him off?
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I'm guessing he either wants to kick your ass,
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(groans) Maybe you're right.
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Okay, if it makes you feel better, I'll come with you.
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I'm not going to say, "I told you so."
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I don't have a weapon.
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(loudly): So, so, you said you wanted to talk?
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a lesson is through pain and suffering
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No, the only banging I want to see is you banging his face!
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Or can I?
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(laughs): I know. How great is that?
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It is so nice to finally meet you, Evelyn.
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What?
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thoughtful, intelligent son.
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Again, we're so blessed.
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towards your own... Oh, I love you, Mom!
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how infrequently I actually get to say that.
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You sure you're all right? Yeah.
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you never stopped loving me and you want to marry me, too?
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Men.
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WALD-E!
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Don't worry, little ro-buddy.
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but, um, I was wondering, would you do me the honor of...
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Well, I would love to, but I can't affo...
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so much as gaining a guest room.
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have a smile that lights up those around you
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Um, occupied.
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Wh-What are you doing?
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You know you still want me.
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(crying): What happened to me?
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Oh! Cash or check?
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Classic Robot Jake.
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You're looking... pretty pensive.
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This.
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Let's go! Showtime! Chop, chop! Come on!
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So he hit the beach.
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"Daughters, mothers, sisters, we gather here,
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You asked me to go down the road of life with you,
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(crying): That's what he said.
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Uh, now let's turn you around
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Those are my linens.
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So, uh... so where were we?
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"Gretchen, pretty, pretty brid""
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Lose your dog and you got a country song. (chuckles)
Aired 6 years ago - May 01, 2014

Gretchen insists that Alan reveal his true identity to Larry; Walden, Barry and Jenny go on a road trip.

Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 11 Episode 21 (S11E21) - 1
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There's no way my old car is worth the cost of going to Denver
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It doesn't matter what the role is.
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My dad used to say it all the time when we were working on the car.
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Apparently, there is an emotional connection with this car.
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I mean, that'd be like me buying the senior prom.
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Box of condoms and a card that said, "Don't make the same mistake I did."
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Having sex in every room in the house.
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We can use my Halloween costumes from last year.
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to not ruin four people's lives.
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- Are you a cop? - No.
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Just like my old lady. Hey, that's not bad.
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You were a Republican?
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Just like my old lady.
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World's Wildest Police Chases, episode 139.
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Hang on, hang on. How much do you want for it?
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Come on, I'm not buying this car.
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- $1700. - Deal, $1700.
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♫ (SINGING KARAOKE) ♫
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Come on, you can do better than that.
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then he's gonna wonder why I didn't tell him.
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So you no longer have me by the... (HIGH-PITCHED) balls!
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- Let's show them how we do it. - There you go!
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So did you talk to Larry, yet?
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I know why. You still have feelings for her.
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- Gretchen, wait! - ♫ I feel good ♫
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- Aren't you glad I made you do this? - Yeah, I'm having déjá vu.
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What? No, dads don't teach you how to masturbate.
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Never thought of it like that. Guess he is.
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- What? - I grew up in Manhattan.
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I'm pretty sure they sell underwear at Cracker Barrel.
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He was doing white snow with Snow White.
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Once on the same day.
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Guess who just joined the 6106-Foot Club?
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- How would that happen? - Hello, do the math!
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because I didn't chain the door.
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And about almost killing you guys in the car earlier?
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Started with one, tried to get two, came home with zero.
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Hearing you talk about your dads and thinking about mine,
Aired 6 years ago - Apr 24, 2014

Alan finds an opportunity to make money; Walden addresses his co-dependency issues.

Aired 6 years ago - Apr 10, 2014

After reconnecting with Kate, Walden becomes convinced she is the one for him -- until he meets a woman named Vivian (Mila Kunis).

Aired 6 years ago - Apr 03, 2014

Walden's ex-girlfriend invites him to her boutique opening; Gretchen hopes to spend more time at Alan's home.

Aired 6 years ago - Mar 13, 2014

Lyndsey finds out about Alan's relationship with Gretchen; Walden has a difficult time telling Barry to find his own place.

Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 11 Episode 17 (S11E17) - 1
Jealous of what? Your role in the Newsies remake?
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Top of the day to you, too, sir.
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Not-pee-in-the-shower.
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Look, I know you're upset about Barry moving in with us.
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Here we are, four months later and Jenny's still living with us.
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- Next one's on you, though. - Absolutely.
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I'm Larry's best man and you're his sister.
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- Is that true? - Jawohl.
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- That's what she said! - That's what he said!
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We're watching a car-chase on the news.
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that came over and tied me up and stole my laptop?
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I mean, pizza, lesbians, weed scavenger hunts.
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Is this why you're here? To hang out, get high, eat pizza?
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what if we filmed lesbians doing stuff to each other?
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I will give any of you a hundred dollars.
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Okay, okay, I got another idea.
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So how was Palm Springs?
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What guy doesn't wanna see his best friend bang his sister?
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Well, I'm glad you're so excited about this.
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That special bottle of champagne we were saving for our wedding?
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I pretend I'm a dog, she rescues me, and then I give her my bone.
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I will do what I want, with whomever and whenever I want!
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Make a turkey sandwich Make a turkey sandwich
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Suppose someone was living with you and you wanted them to leave.
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I'm asking you to move in
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Don't get me wrong. It's not that I don't love having you here.
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Well, today's kind of already shot. Maybe pick it up tomorrow?
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He's never moving out.
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All right, admit it. You slept with Gretchen.
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she lets you lick peanut butter out of a chew-toy between her boobs.
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I don't think this place is for me. It just doesn't scream, "Barry."
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- What's going on here? - Nothing. Nothing's going on.
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Okay, but my flock is too big.
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A real Scared Straight moment here. Let's grab a pizza on the way back.
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No, no, I don't wanna be your first!
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But you can't live with me! Now or ever!
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I'm gonna go find Alan! You can't live with me!
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Well, luckily, those people are out of our lives now.
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- vacations, anniversaries... - Yeah, yeah, yeah, we get it.
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We were fooling around in the kitchen
Aired 6 years ago - Mar 06, 2014

Walden thinks his girlfriend is cheating on him; Alan starts dating Larry's sister, Gretchen (Kimberly Williams-Paisley).

Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 11 Episode 16 (S11E16) - 1
You sure? Don't you wanna think about it?
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COMPUTER VOICE: Hey, good-looking. What you got cooking?
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And this...
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at the wedding of your lover and another guy?
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How could you say "Yes" to being Larry's best man?
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I was talking about Larry.
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She will be back in three seconds looking for make-up sex.
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All right, Bill Gates, Steve Wozniak and Mark Zuckerberg.
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I'd kill you by banging you to death on our honeymoon.
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I can't. I got a thing.
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- What's your mom up to these days? - Shut up, Barry.
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I've got some beer on ice and sports on ice.
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and getting yelled at by the bride
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A brother? A college roommate? Someone who knows your last name?
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Sure, black girls, Thai girls, whatever you want.
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So where's your dog?
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So you just moved here?
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Why not move in with the next guy who buys the house?
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Not that I don't want to meet... Never mind.
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- She's dead. - What?
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On the plus-side, I'm available now. Dave and Buster's, party of two.
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GPS? Triangulate the cell phone signal?
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- Hold the trust and honesty." - Okay, let me try one.
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Come on, man. You know chicks. She's probably playing hard-to-get.
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- Who's that guy? - A waiter?
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"I'm worried how the man in that car is treating his friend."
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I'm getting a medical marijuana card.
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- I think Nicole's cheating on me. - Why do you think that?
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- Guess who's dating someone new? - His girlfriend.
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She's Larry's sister.
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That's what I said!
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and treat women like crap, so you can get laid.
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Turned out, the "420" was in reference to her weight.
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Saw you at the restaurant with the guy last night.
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He offered me a job in San Francisco.
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The chances of us beating Google are one in a... googol.
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They're giving you an opportunity to work for Google?
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Good, I'm just... I just...
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Go ahead. Good luck in San Francisco.
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I grew up in Chicago.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 11 Episode 16 (S11E16) - 50
Aired 6 years ago - Feb 27, 2014

Alan asks Lyndsey to choose between him and Larry; Jenny worries that she and Brooke are growing apart.

Aired 6 years ago - Feb 06, 2014

Alan finds out that Lyndsey broke up with Larry without telling him; Walden tries to prove he is a man's man.

Aired 6 years ago - Jan 30, 2014

Marty Pepper (Carl Reiner) proposes to Evelyn; Alan and Walden plan a bachelor party for Marty.

Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 11 Episode 13 (S11E13) - 1
- Oh, my God, really? - Not you. Pretty boy over there.
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Of course. It's like I'm not even here.
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Maybe we should discuss this before we offer up our place.
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Oh, Berta, can I try something out on you?
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So, you're telling everyone you're a son of a bitch?
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Hey, where you thinking about having this thing anyway?
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But more importantly, we can't let the last naked woman
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Thank you.
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Yeah, and, at the time, he was married to Cher.
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First to Walden
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My mother and I have had our ups and downs,
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 11 Episode 13 (S11E13) - 13
and he had the charge reduced to following too closely.
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we were in a threesome with that cute little redhead.
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You can barely get through nine holes of golf.
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I might be in the minority here, but I still believe in love
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 11 Episode 13 (S11E13) - 17
except a good opening weekend.
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I haven't been up for a lap dance since the Reagan Administration.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 11 Episode 13 (S11E13) - 21
so whether you're in the middle of a lap dance or CPR,
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 11 Episode 13 (S11E13) - 22
- Hey, you'd look good in these. - No, dear.
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Oh, don't remind me.
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Yeah, there's just 400 million things about Marty.
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And having you with me is like having Charlie around.
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Oh, speaking of hogs, I once did a show with Miss Piggy.
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Oh, well, then you tell your mother the wedding is off.
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I had, "Died during the lap dance."
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Well, I have, "Alan will screw this up somehow."
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- You hired strippers. - That's why I said "us."
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Will you stop saying that. It's because of you.
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We're not gay.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 11 Episode 13 (S11E13) - 35
(NERVOUSLY) Hey, Mommy, did you have fun shopping?
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 11 Episode 13 (S11E13) - 36
but maybe not.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 11 Episode 13 (S11E13) - 37
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 11 Episode 13 (S11E13) - 38
and I think one of them has a nurse's outfit.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 11 Episode 13 (S11E13) - 39
I'm all right. You can't force someone to love you.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 11 Episode 13 (S11E13) - 40
- Wow. - Yeah.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 11 Episode 13 (S11E13) - 41
- I'm sorry, Mr. Pepper is busy. - Really?
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 11 Episode 13 (S11E13) - 42
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 11 Episode 13 (S11E13) - 43
Evelyn's gay son and his boyfriend.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 11 Episode 13 (S11E13) - 44
Maybe when I get a little older.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 11 Episode 13 (S11E13) - 45
I'm not saying she doesn't have her charms.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 11 Episode 13 (S11E13) - 46
you have to take a leap and hope for the best.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 11 Episode 13 (S11E13) - 47
So, why aren't you two married?
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 11 Episode 13 (S11E13) - 48
I don't wanna end up alone
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 11 Episode 13 (S11E13) - 49
When I wake up in the morning, when I go to bed at night,
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 11 Episode 13 (S11E13) - 50
Aired 6 years ago - Jan 09, 2014

Lyndsey's boyfriend sets Alan up on a date; Walden wants to help Nicole with her project so she will have time to date him.

Aired 6 years ago - Jan 02, 2014

Walden teams up with a beautiful former employee (Odette Annable) on a new project; Alan gives Jenny advice about her girlfriend (Aly Michalka).

Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 11 Episode 11 (S11E11) - 1
Oh, yeah, that was fun. Two thumbs up.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 11 Episode 11 (S11E11) - 2
Well, you know all the important things.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 11 Episode 11 (S11E11) - 3
Her boyfriend went to Harvard Law School
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 11 Episode 11 (S11E11) - 4
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 11 Episode 11 (S11E11) - 5
- Good morning. - Actually, it's a great morning.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 11 Episode 11 (S11E11) - 6
Yeah, as good of an idea as that is, and, actually, it's not that bad,
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 11 Episode 11 (S11E11) - 7
Imagine you're in a strange city and you can't find a clean bathroom.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 11 Episode 11 (S11E11) - 8
Deal. Looks like I am getting that filling after all.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 11 Episode 11 (S11E11) - 9
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 11 Episode 11 (S11E11) - 10
- Just the two of us. - Yeah. Yeah, why not? Sounds great.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 11 Episode 11 (S11E11) - 11
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 11 Episode 11 (S11E11) - 12
Holy Schmidt.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 11 Episode 11 (S11E11) - 13
Wow. It's... Wow.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 11 Episode 11 (S11E11) - 14
I read your proposal. I'm interested.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 11 Episode 11 (S11E11) - 15
In return for 51 percent of your company
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 11 Episode 11 (S11E11) - 16
Look, I can't give up control. This company is my baby.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 11 Episode 11 (S11E11) - 17
All right, thanks for stopping by.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 11 Episode 11 (S11E11) - 18
I will work for you but I still need a majority position.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 11 Episode 11 (S11E11) - 19
Well, it'd actually be number three.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 11 Episode 11 (S11E11) - 20
I'll be right back.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 11 Episode 11 (S11E11) - 21
Okay, that's it, I'm packing it in.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 11 Episode 11 (S11E11) - 22
She's always asking me these personal things. You know?
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 11 Episode 11 (S11E11) - 23
If you don't take a chance, you haven't got one.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 11 Episode 11 (S11E11) - 24
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 11 Episode 11 (S11E11) - 25
(BARRY SINGING ALONG)
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 11 Episode 11 (S11E11) - 26
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 11 Episode 11 (S11E11) - 27
So, how's the code coming?
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 11 Episode 11 (S11E11) - 28
It's good. It's good.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 11 Episode 11 (S11E11) - 29
Okay.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 11 Episode 11 (S11E11) - 30
I thought we were going a different way.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 11 Episode 11 (S11E11) - 31
Hey, I got one just like him at home.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 11 Episode 11 (S11E11) - 32
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 11 Episode 11 (S11E11) - 33
Oh, this is bad. This is bad.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 11 Episode 11 (S11E11) - 34
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 11 Episode 11 (S11E11) - 35
Oh, you know, actually, I'm not. I'm just here for the essentials.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 11 Episode 11 (S11E11) - 36
Maybe somebody's talking about them.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 11 Episode 11 (S11E11) - 37
I'm not gonna be able to...
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 11 Episode 11 (S11E11) - 38
Heh, I never thought anything could live off Zippy.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 11 Episode 11 (S11E11) - 39
You got bills to pay, you don't care.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 11 Episode 11 (S11E11) - 40
I wanted it to be special.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 11 Episode 11 (S11E11) - 41
Relax, relax, relax.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 11 Episode 11 (S11E11) - 42
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 11 Episode 11 (S11E11) - 43
That is an awesome idea.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 11 Episode 11 (S11E11) - 44
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 11 Episode 11 (S11E11) - 45
I guess that makes me the wo-man.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 11 Episode 11 (S11E11) - 46
Oh, my God. Did I somehow get you pregnant?
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 11 Episode 11 (S11E11) - 47
So, what are we gonna do?
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 11 Episode 11 (S11E11) - 48
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 11 Episode 11 (S11E11) - 49
Oh, boy, if I wasn't gay before.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 11 Episode 11 (S11E11) - 50
- What the hell? - Three people can't fit on an eagle.
Aired 6 years ago - Dec 12, 2013

Jake sends Alan a Japanese delicacy; the house comes alive with questionable Christmas lyrics.

Aired 6 years ago - Dec 05, 2013

Walden goes on a date with an accident-prone model; Alan's date reveals surprising personal information.

Aired 6 years ago - Nov 21, 2013

When Alan and Lyndsey's affair puts Walden in danger, he is forced to accept Rose's (Melanie Lynskey) help.

Aired 6 years ago - Nov 14, 2013

Lyndsey's jealousy disrupts Walden's and Alan's dates with beautiful women.

Aired 6 years ago - Nov 07, 2013

Alan wants to set up a date with Lynda Carter once he learns Walden knows her; Walden begrudgingly agrees to invite Lynda over for dinner.

Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 11 Episode 6 (S11E06) - 1
Mom, this is my new roommate, Jenny.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 11 Episode 6 (S11E06) - 2
I can see where Walden gets his pretty face.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 11 Episode 6 (S11E06) - 3
doesn't mean I don't want to get into it.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 11 Episode 6 (S11E06) - 4
No, I was just picturing a drunk monkey driving a car.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 11 Episode 6 (S11E06) - 5
The-the shining crusader for justice and star-spangled hot pants?
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 11 Episode 6 (S11E06) - 6
I remember those... days.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 11 Episode 6 (S11E06) - 7
This is Alan Harper. He lives with Walden.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 11 Episode 6 (S11E06) - 8
In fact, the longer I look at you the straighter I become.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 11 Episode 6 (S11E06) - 9
Don't be a stranger. Okay.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 11 Episode 6 (S11E06) - 10
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 11 Episode 6 (S11E06) - 11
I had a poster of her that looked like
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 11 Episode 6 (S11E06) - 12
How?
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 11 Episode 6 (S11E06) - 13
Set me up with her.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 11 Episode 6 (S11E06) - 14
This is probably why my brother died.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 11 Episode 6 (S11E06) - 15
Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the dance floor,
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 11 Episode 6 (S11E06) - 16
Hey.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 11 Episode 6 (S11E06) - 17
♪ You're a wonder, Wonder Woman! ♪
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 11 Episode 6 (S11E06) - 18
You know what, uh, to be perfectly honest, I...
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 11 Episode 6 (S11E06) - 19
And?
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 11 Episode 6 (S11E06) - 20
No, no, no, no, no, it's fine, it's fine.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 11 Episode 6 (S11E06) - 21
No. No, Tracy. The one with the brown hair.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 11 Episode 6 (S11E06) - 22
And you were gonna be our best man!
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 11 Episode 6 (S11E06) - 23
Hey.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 11 Episode 6 (S11E06) - 24
It's certainly not more tears, because I tried that.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 11 Episode 6 (S11E06) - 25
but thanks to you, I'll never bone Lynda Carter.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 11 Episode 6 (S11E06) - 26
Right.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 11 Episode 6 (S11E06) - 27
Well, among others, the Justice League.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 11 Episode 6 (S11E06) - 28
Don't you think she should decide who she can go out with?
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 11 Episode 6 (S11E06) - 29
Yeah?
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 11 Episode 6 (S11E06) - 30
It is not my place to decide who you can or cannot date.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 11 Episode 6 (S11E06) - 31
I would like to make it up to you.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 11 Episode 6 (S11E06) - 32
You're not just doing this out of pity, are you?
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 11 Episode 6 (S11E06) - 33
I got it.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 11 Episode 6 (S11E06) - 34
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 11 Episode 6 (S11E06) - 35
I-I want my good side facing Lynda.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 11 Episode 6 (S11E06) - 36
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 11 Episode 6 (S11E06) - 37
That was before I got mint spray in Little Alan's eye.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 11 Episode 6 (S11E06) - 38
Okay, you can let go now.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 11 Episode 6 (S11E06) - 39
I do okay, but this guy is the real charmer.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 11 Episode 6 (S11E06) - 40
Yeah, but that was in your past, right?
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 11 Episode 6 (S11E06) - 41
What's that I hear?
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 11 Episode 6 (S11E06) - 42
Yes, and it's not coming from my mouth.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 11 Episode 6 (S11E06) - 43
Hey, you know, I'll, I'll bet you could
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 11 Episode 6 (S11E06) - 44
Alan? Hmm?
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 11 Episode 6 (S11E06) - 45
Oh, God. He's gonna tie her up and throw her in a van.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 11 Episode 6 (S11E06) - 46
Is this the best night of my life?
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 11 Episode 6 (S11E06) - 47
No. It, it's okay. Let's just take the picture.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 11 Episode 6 (S11E06) - 48
Hurry back.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 11 Episode 6 (S11E06) - 49
Still, I'm glad I came over.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 11 Episode 6 (S11E06) - 50
Lynda freakin' Carter.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 11 Episode 6 (S11E06) - 51
Oh, I can be way sweeter.
Aired 7 years ago - Oct 24, 2013

Alan tries to find out what Lyndsey's boyfriend has over him; Walden helps Jenny pursue her acting career.

Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 11 Episode 5 (S11E05) - 1
- Wait, Kate Upton's straight. - Give me two weeks.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 11 Episode 5 (S11E05) - 2
If I squint, you're, like, a prettier version of my mom.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 11 Episode 5 (S11E05) - 3
No, I bought a Groupon for Indian food.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 11 Episode 5 (S11E05) - 4
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 11 Episode 5 (S11E05) - 5
I know. How awesome am I?
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 11 Episode 5 (S11E05) - 6
you'd be alone on the street in your underwear.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 11 Episode 5 (S11E05) - 7
I don't think I've ever said this.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 11 Episode 5 (S11E05) - 8
JENNY: Don't answer! It's a trap!
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 11 Episode 5 (S11E05) - 9
then I'm not gonna give her what she wants.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 11 Episode 5 (S11E05) - 10
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 11 Episode 5 (S11E05) - 11
Although, were you buzzing at one point?
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 11 Episode 5 (S11E05) - 12
- What? - I want you back.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 11 Episode 5 (S11E05) - 13
You'd have to know him to understand. He satisfies a different part of me.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 11 Episode 5 (S11E05) - 14
But I am not gonna be at your beck and call forever.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 11 Episode 5 (S11E05) - 15
What I need is a third.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 11 Episode 5 (S11E05) - 16
Yeah, this guy's the best. Here, check out his credits.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 11 Episode 5 (S11E05) - 17
I don't want you to wake up one day
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 11 Episode 5 (S11E05) - 18
Calm down. I'll go to the class, okay?
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 11 Episode 5 (S11E05) - 19
Oh, that's awful. I hope you feel better.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 11 Episode 5 (S11E05) - 20
- Hey, is this bike taken? - Nope, help yourself.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 11 Episode 5 (S11E05) - 21
Hey. I used to have those same exact shoes.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 11 Episode 5 (S11E05) - 22
- Isn't this great? - Kill me.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 11 Episode 5 (S11E05) - 23
I'm doing it! I'm doing it! It's working!
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 11 Episode 5 (S11E05) - 24
I was pedaling toward the light. It was so beautiful.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 11 Episode 5 (S11E05) - 25
- Pop-Pop, help. - Don't worry. I got you. I got you.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 11 Episode 5 (S11E05) - 26
Wouldn't mind taking her on a Tour de Pants.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 11 Episode 5 (S11E05) - 27
You're hilarious.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 11 Episode 5 (S11E05) - 28
- Do you need to answer that? - No, it's just a work call.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 11 Episode 5 (S11E05) - 29
- What do you do, Jeff? - Oh, I'm just a chiropractor.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 11 Episode 5 (S11E05) - 30
Over to the smoothie bar with my new friend, Larry.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 11 Episode 5 (S11E05) - 31
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 11 Episode 5 (S11E05) - 32
I simply wanted to find out what he's got that I don't.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 11 Episode 5 (S11E05) - 33
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 11 Episode 5 (S11E05) - 34
Whoa, whoa, whoa...
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 11 Episode 5 (S11E05) - 35
Oh, you know, in college, I did a little musical theatre.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 11 Episode 5 (S11E05) - 36
Okay, I will have you know that the campus newspaper said
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 11 Episode 5 (S11E05) - 37
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 11 Episode 5 (S11E05) - 38
Did you ever do this gay character in your stand-up?
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 11 Episode 5 (S11E05) - 39
Help yourself, you cheap queer.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 11 Episode 5 (S11E05) - 40
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 11 Episode 5 (S11E05) - 41
- Lyndsey?
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 11 Episode 5 (S11E05) - 42
So, this is the guy you were telling me about?
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 11 Episode 5 (S11E05) - 43
"Strongman?" That's a unique name.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 11 Episode 5 (S11E05) - 44
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 11 Episode 5 (S11E05) - 45
(DOOR CLOSES) What the hell is going on, Jeff?
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 11 Episode 5 (S11E05) - 46
If you turned into Larry, I'd have to find another Alan.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 11 Episode 5 (S11E05) - 47
- I'm still mad at you. - Well, I don't blame you.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 11 Episode 5 (S11E05) - 48
- Hey. - Hey.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 11 Episode 5 (S11E05) - 49
I went to the first class, but it was lame.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 11 Episode 5 (S11E05) - 50
I would have been willing to work for it.
Aired 7 years ago - Oct 17, 2013

Walden parties with Jenny and her attractive friends; Alan's illicit affair with Lyndsey is jeopardized.

Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 11 Episode 4 (S11E04) - 1
I ended up playing strip poker with four incredibly beautiful women.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 11 Episode 4 (S11E04) - 2
She was the dealer. But she did flop a great pair.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 11 Episode 4 (S11E04) - 3
You were wearing a sock. And not on your foot.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 11 Episode 4 (S11E04) - 4
- Yeah, sure. - Cool, I'll see ya at 11:00.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 11 Episode 4 (S11E04) - 5
And you don't think that's a little sad?
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 11 Episode 4 (S11E04) - 6
I was delivering pizza, going to junior college
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 11 Episode 4 (S11E04) - 7
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 11 Episode 4 (S11E04) - 8
I'll pass. What's with the bag?
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 11 Episode 4 (S11E04) - 9
I know, it's great.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 11 Episode 4 (S11E04) - 10
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 11 Episode 4 (S11E04) - 11
Well, the important thing is, I'm here now
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 11 Episode 4 (S11E04) - 12
it's the going Dutch.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 11 Episode 4 (S11E04) - 13
and respectfully disrespect each other?
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 11 Episode 4 (S11E04) - 14
Lyndsey, Alan!
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 11 Episode 4 (S11E04) - 15
Are you guys back together? Did you split up with Larry?
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 11 Episode 4 (S11E04) - 16
and this former fatty is looking for a sugar-daddy.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 11 Episode 4 (S11E04) - 17
Okay, I'm gonna leave you two "friends" alone.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 11 Episode 4 (S11E04) - 18
Yeah, she is horrible.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 11 Episode 4 (S11E04) - 19
Can't I just kill her? It'd be a much smaller grave to dig.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 11 Episode 4 (S11E04) - 20
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 11 Episode 4 (S11E04) - 21
Whoa, this is a beautiful house!
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 11 Episode 4 (S11E04) - 22
(DANCE MUSIC) Aah!
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 11 Episode 4 (S11E04) - 23
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 11 Episode 4 (S11E04) - 24
Alan, I'm high.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 11 Episode 4 (S11E04) - 25
Yeah, Alan's right.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 11 Episode 4 (S11E04) - 26
and my girlfriend's banging another dude.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 11 Episode 4 (S11E04) - 27
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 11 Episode 4 (S11E04) - 28
Damn.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 11 Episode 4 (S11E04) - 29
Whoa!
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 11 Episode 4 (S11E04) - 30
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 11 Episode 4 (S11E04) - 31
Or ten being, "I'm going Subaru shopping with Ellen and Rosie."
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 11 Episode 4 (S11E04) - 32
Okay, okay, so we didn't have sex. That is a load off.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 11 Episode 4 (S11E04) - 33
Oh, God, if Alan finds out, he's gonna freak out.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 11 Episode 4 (S11E04) - 34
So deny that we ever woke up in bed, naked, together?
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 11 Episode 4 (S11E04) - 35
You're not the first one to say that!
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 11 Episode 4 (S11E04) - 36
You should hear her wine bottles in her trash bins on Friday morning.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 11 Episode 4 (S11E04) - 37
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 11 Episode 4 (S11E04) - 38
I can't eat a portion larger than my fist.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 11 Episode 4 (S11E04) - 39
(SOFT MUSIC PLAYING ON TV)
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 11 Episode 4 (S11E04) - 40
I'm not peeing on any sticks.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 11 Episode 4 (S11E04) - 41
So, we could watch the video back and know for sure.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 11 Episode 4 (S11E04) - 42
Only the quarterback's a lesbian.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 11 Episode 4 (S11E04) - 43
So, both of my ex-husbands turned out to be gay.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 11 Episode 4 (S11E04) - 44
Come on in.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 11 Episode 4 (S11E04) - 45
And I am definitely gonna have to come to terms with that
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 11 Episode 4 (S11E04) - 46
I just feel bad for her boyfriend.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 11 Episode 4 (S11E04) - 47
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 11 Episode 4 (S11E04) - 48
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 11 Episode 4 (S11E04) - 49
You know what? Let's just go back to denial.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 11 Episode 4 (S11E04) - 50
God, I love living at the beach.
Aired 7 years ago - Oct 10, 2013

When Berta hurts her back at work, Alan and Walden think she should retire.

Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 11 Episode 3 (S11E03) - 1
Me and a couple of Hell's Angels decided to drop acid and get naked.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 11 Episode 3 (S11E03) - 2
Well, let's see what we got here. Where's the pain?
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 11 Episode 3 (S11E03) - 3
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 11 Episode 3 (S11E03) - 4
Western medicine. He'll probably prescribe painkillers.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 11 Episode 3 (S11E03) - 5
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 11 Episode 3 (S11E03) - 6
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 11 Episode 3 (S11E03) - 7
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 11 Episode 3 (S11E03) - 8
I have taken the initiative to design and build a chore wheel.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 11 Episode 3 (S11E03) - 9
That's because it was my chore to make the chore wheel.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 11 Episode 3 (S11E03) - 10
Whoa! Somebody found my stash.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 11 Episode 3 (S11E03) - 11
and it turns my pot into poisonous jumping bugs?
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 11 Episode 3 (S11E03) - 12
You guys take such good care of me.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 11 Episode 3 (S11E03) - 13
Am I up?
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 11 Episode 3 (S11E03) - 14
Why do these have windows?
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 11 Episode 3 (S11E03) - 15
Wait a minute, are we watching them or are they watching us?
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 11 Episode 3 (S11E03) - 16
You know, I was just thinking. I mean, she hurt her back.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 11 Episode 3 (S11E03) - 17
You know how some people trim hedges to make the tree look bigger?
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 11 Episode 3 (S11E03) - 18
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 11 Episode 3 (S11E03) - 19
Maybe it's time to put the old girl out to pasture.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 11 Episode 3 (S11E03) - 20
And the only dishes left in the sink are made of chocolate.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 11 Episode 3 (S11E03) - 21
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 11 Episode 3 (S11E03) - 22
have you ever thought about hanging up the old toilet brush?
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 11 Episode 3 (S11E03) - 23
Besides, I can't afford to retire.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 11 Episode 3 (S11E03) - 24
Then, I said, nah, I'll just hang around here,
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 11 Episode 3 (S11E03) - 25
One last job. I like it. Am I driving or shooting?
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 11 Episode 3 (S11E03) - 26
I mean, it's a tough job, especially for a woman of your age.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 11 Episode 3 (S11E03) - 27
you can throw money at.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 11 Episode 3 (S11E03) - 28
- Excuse me? - You got rich from one idea.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 11 Episode 3 (S11E03) - 29
Oh, no! Where am I gonna find someone to eat my food,
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 11 Episode 3 (S11E03) - 30
Yes, Helen is great.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 11 Episode 3 (S11E03) - 31
- Supper time, boys. - BOTH: Oh.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 11 Episode 3 (S11E03) - 32
Hey, maybe that's her last name? "Who."
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 11 Episode 3 (S11E03) - 33
I won't.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 11 Episode 3 (S11E03) - 34
Well, thank you very much.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 11 Episode 3 (S11E03) - 35
I am gonna stitch that on a pillow.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 11 Episode 3 (S11E03) - 36
and all of the other blessings that you have bestowed upon us.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 11 Episode 3 (S11E03) - 37
Lest their souls burn in the fiery pits of hell
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 11 Episode 3 (S11E03) - 38
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 11 Episode 3 (S11E03) - 39
but I'm pretty sure she was carrying a little bag of pillow chocolates.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 11 Episode 3 (S11E03) - 40
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 11 Episode 3 (S11E03) - 41
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 11 Episode 3 (S11E03) - 42
Uh...
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 11 Episode 3 (S11E03) - 43
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 11 Episode 3 (S11E03) - 44
I don't know. For breakfast, I like pancakes.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 11 Episode 3 (S11E03) - 45
I need to bring my own bandana or you gonna supply me with one?
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 11 Episode 3 (S11E03) - 46
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 11 Episode 3 (S11E03) - 47
Um, but you are aware you're applying for a job as a housekeeper?
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 11 Episode 3 (S11E03) - 48
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 11 Episode 3 (S11E03) - 49
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 11 Episode 3 (S11E03) - 50
No, no. You know what? I changed my mind.
Aired 7 years ago - Oct 03, 2013

Jenny moves in with Evelyn and her wealthy boyfriend, Marty (Carl Reiner).

Aired 7 years ago - Sep 26, 2013

Charlie's 25-year-old daughter arrives at the beach house, hoping to get to know her family.