Aired 19 years ago - May 24, 2004
A pregnancy scare has Charlie heading to the doctor for a vasectomy.
So, what else is new?
Wait, so this is a common occurrence?
Don't you take precautions?
razor blades, cotton balls.
And extra-strength, double latex,
for coyote Tuesdays.
Snipped is what you get
for $12 at Supercuts.
and decide I want to raise a family?
So, Mr. Harper, you want a vasectomy?
There can be sexual impairment?
Do you write with your testicles?
- Hang on.
So, frozen sperm.
dim the lights,
put on a little sweet soul music...
You deal with prostates and penises
all day, you better have a sense of humor.
Jake, Grandma came all the way
over here to spend some time with you.
A little birdie told me you were in
a urologist's office yesterday.
I just brought up Dr. Shankman because
no one has noticed my new tushie.
I'm done. Can I go play in my room?
You're selfishly robbing me
Come on, I'm doing laundry.
I want to finish a load before I go.
So, what's in the bag?
There is another container
inside this bag, right?
Are you nuts?
You can't put that in the freezer.
Thanks to you, I got to reschedule
the whole deal for this afternoon.
A vasectomy is a very simple operation.
Keep going, you're doing great.
My pleasure. Is Charlie gonna be okay?
- I'll tell Jake you're here.
- You need a hand?
- No, get out.
That's a perfectly natural way
to relieve stress.
- Forget it, Alan.
- I wish I could.
What difference does it make?
We both know I'm not daddy material.
Why don't you jump up on the table,
Don't forget to put a cone around his head
so he doesn't bite at the stitches.
I know, but how "meet cute" is this?
You got a little mirror
so I can check out the back?
Yeah. I love you, too.
Breathe, honey. Just breathe.
Aired 19 years ago - May 17, 2004
Charlie tries to sweet talk Judith's divorcee support-group into letting Jake continue to spend weekends at his place.
It's not funny ha-ha so much as not funny.
So, you're never going to get married?
Tiffany, how can you not be
when you look at something like that?
or all the expensive toys
I'm always buying him.
What kind of a man doesn't make room
in his life for his own family?
Get out? She's upset with me
because of you!
Or a support group just for angry women?
and cleaning the house.
You want to go to the movies with me?
"plus gratuitous nudity. "
She still talking to you after last weekend?
No, I'd love to try again.
She still busting your chops
about what Jake said?
Poor Satan. He'll come for your soul
and he'll leave empty-handed.
Judith, how many times have I asked you
to have him ready when I...
- Yes, I know, but...
- Judith feels she can no longer
- Who are you?
- They are my friends.
You're absolutely right.
Judith, tell him what we agreed.
You know what? Maybe I have a problem
with Jake being in this toxic environment.
- Where are the pancakes?
- What pancakes?
I'm sorry, man.
I told you to blame it all on me.
The trick with women is to split them
off from the herd, one by one.
Do you hear yourself?
"Buffalo Gals"? Are you insane?
Apparently Jake took something I said
out of context
you don't necessarily need
yet another woman
Morning, everybody. I brought
real maple syrup for the pancakes.
See? Just like buffalo.
Okay, I am a jerk, I am immature,
I am self-centered, I am...
Charlie, we are having a meeting.
Listen, I know I can't come in here
and ask to be forgiven
We are not a bunch of sorority girls
you can charm with your big, brown eyes.
deep down, I have intimacy issues
that probably go back to my mom.
other than to raise them as humans?
I mean, some of us haven't been blessed
with the little ones the way you have.
But let's talk for a minute
about how he's influenced me.
Okay, who's ready for a refill?
- You are terrible!
- I'm serious.
Aired 19 years ago - May 10, 2004
Charlie attempts to cure Alan of his recent bout of sleepwalking; Jake sees his therapist.
No, I am not in denial.
Good for you, because I have no memory
of being asleep.
Sure, but you still owe me
like $12,000 from last time.
I didn't, but Judith and I talked,
You're right. It's been a long time
since you got any meow.
But it's not gonna hurt to have someone
outside the family he can talk to.
Okay, look, nobody likes divorce,
but there are certain advantages.
It's a small price to pay
to avoid aggravating Judith.
You eat moo-shu with a pancake,
like a little Chinese taco.
- Alan, chill.
- I will not chill. I want what I ordered.
That's smart. Scream at the people
who handle your food.
- No kidding.
- Yeah, she went berserk.
I thought you'd like to know
that your brother is sleepwalking again.
You handle this, honey,
I'm going back to bed.
I mean, right here in the room.
"Dr. Linda Freeman, Child Psychologist?"
Who here's seeing a child psychologist?
Jake, honey. I just want you to know
- M.D. Or PhD?
in the Neiman Marcus changing room.
The thing is, he's been sleepwalking,
Right around the time
he started taking those long showers
This is nice. Great idea, Charlie.
I'm fine, Charlie.
Hi, Charlie. Who's your cute friend?
Come, please, join us.
You know, Alan, Annette is a seat-filler
for most of the major awards shows.
- Just like that?
- Yes, Alan, just like that.
You sure? 'Cause there's no way
you're banging her on your own.
- I can't say it more clearly than that, Alan.
she still runs your life, you're broke,
and coming at me
like a frigging steamroller.
Aired 19 years ago - May 03, 2004
Charlie jeopardizes Alan's divorce settlement by sleeping with his attorney, Laura.
Seeing as how you're my brother's lawyer
-That's fine. I don't care.
-You are very special.
-Man, this just keeps getting hotter.
-But I need you to do something for me.
-You're going to leave?
I don't want to watch TV. I want to play
my Gameboy, and it's in your room.
or your early-afternoon nap?
Judith is demanding half
of my book collection.
Then one night,
maybe someone goes and gets them back.
I'm making a living, Charlie.
-I'm on the phone with Laura.
-Say hi for me.
-What happened to the TV?
-There's nothing dirty on.
If the right lawyer gets their hands on him,
they could really make him sweat.
-Where's my Gameboy?
-I'll buy you a new one.
You've gotta be kidding.
And she wants you to take Jake out
and buy him a new Gameboy.
that would negatively influence
I do okay.
let me just say here that I love Jake
-Woman in the shower?
-Don't help them.
Okay, now that's a totally different...
Look, Stuart, we both know
you're on a fishing expedition here, right?
but we still need to finalize
the property settlement.
That was the only thing in my bedroom
that moved when I touched it.
So let's just keep the squishing
to a minimum.
Nothing. Not a thing.
No, of course not, Alan. I'm a professional.
Okay, Laura, look.
Just make yourself at home, Crystal.
That's the ocean.
You are going to be very sorry,
our appraisers came in at $16,500.
I understand there's a dispute
over the massage chair.
-Okay, what else would you like?
like every other time Judith screwed me.
Aired 19 years ago - Apr 19, 2004
Judith believes that Jake is having a hard time dealing with his parent's divorce, after he starts annoying everyone with his non-stop guitar playing. So she suggests that they send Jake to a therapist. Alan doesn't agree at first, but after thinking about it, he believes it might not be such a bad idea.
It really sounds like
you've got your mojo working.
People keep on asking me
what's bothering me.
-Problems with Mom?
Or you're the only guy in gym class
without hair on his testicles.
No, I'm just being a good host.
And, yeah, a little bit.
Did you check to see if he's constipated?
Why, 'cause it's working so good for her?
But this isn't like him.
Not bad. But why don't you try fretting
the "E" and the "A" string together?
But right now, let's just take a little pause
for the cause.
Peer pressure. Bullies.
Stopped her up for two weeks.
The little snothead kicked me
out of his room.
And even while my marriage was
collapsing, he always came first.
You're right. I'm always too quick
to blame myself.
Alan, ease up. He said he's not hungry.
Pick a stupid show and live with it.
Perhaps you should put a Post-it Note
on your penis.
Maybe later, we could have a jam session.
You on guitar, me on piano.
I was thinking that maybe the three of us
could go out and do something fun today.
Or, we could scare it out of him.
Real unhappiness is
being totally ignored
And FYl, I only had that surgery so
you wouldn't have a grandmommy
But compared to our mother,
you're like a fart in a hurricane.
For the night terrors, agoraphobia,
well, then I think you have a big problem.
Well, I can barely see you from up here.
Neither do l.
Yeah, it's a traumatic thing to see
his father kicked out of his house.
"He stuck in his thumb
and pulled out a blank."
Your drinking sets a bad example.
I must tell you very frankly...
It's $175. But that's not really
the point now, is it?
Speaking of which,
did I leave that girl at the house?
-My God, your whole family's insane.
-Hold on, people!
Aired 19 years ago - Mar 22, 2004
Judith's sister, Liz (guest star Teri Hatcher), hits on Alan at Jake's birthday party; Evelyn prefers alcohol to cake.
Not clothes, darling.
All right, the other boys will be envious.
Liz. Thank you.
Maybe because Judith was smarter.
I'm sorry. Class it up for me.
You could've at least put on a bra.
And please, would you behave yourself
Hey, sweetie. Hi.
It's not a surprise. I told her.
I don't suppose you thought to buy him
a safety helmet.
But first a drinkie-poo.
-That's telling her, Evelyn.
How can you not remember the coatroom?
But come on, we're practically family.
One, two, three.
Alan, how are those
magic fingers of yours?
Yeah. How could she not remember me?
You said it yourself. They've been going
at each other for years.
The only play she has left
is to sleep with you.
Look me in the eye.
-It's my ex-wife's sister.
Is it black or red?
So would Charlie,
but we can't always get what we want.
Maybe after the cake.
Her back hurts, Judith.
She wants an adjustment.
-I'm warning you.
"Good evening, sir or madame.
I don't really remember, Charlie.
Over the years, I've actually used
the mental picture of that night as
Hey, come on, that's a compliment.
Okay, now I'll take the magic ball
from my left hand and put it into my right.
The magic ball.
-Don't you dare.
-Now we're daring?
-Why are they fighting?
-They're not fighting. They're discussing.
Sorry I'm late.
You were always a cheap slut
and you haven't changed.
Ever since we were kids, anytime I loved
something, you took it away from me.
-You never told her?
-Told me what?
wouldn't have happened if you were twins.
Aired 19 years ago - Mar 01, 2004
Charlie is stunned to learn his ex-girlfriend is now a man (Chris O'Donnell).
Maybe she had a good reason.
We're gonna need two shots of tequila.
Who pays the nickel, by the way?
I tried everything, but the truth is,
-You haven't changed.
-I wish I could say the same.
Yeah, Bill, whatever. It's okay.
get you undressed and...
Bill, this is my brother Alan.
Alan, this is my old friend, Bill.
Anyway, I ran into my old friend, Bill, here.
The house is clean, I'm going home now.
I'm planning on moving back
and buying a place.
So, are you interested in renting
Sexy and liquid. I like that in a man.
-I don't smoke.
-You will when I'm done with you.
Very soon you're gonna be looking back
on this moment with fond nostalgia.
-And you and Jill used to...
-Every chance we got.
-Go to bed.
-Go to bed.
my mom and I slept with the same dude.
until the part of the brain
that creates mental pictures is dead.
Maybe all these years
I've been pathologically chasing women
that either of us will ever have to call
a woman I slept with "Daddy."
Go to a fun party? See a great movie?
Okay. I'll fix you something to eat.
That's nice, Mom. Isn't that nice, Alan?
some sordid adventures together,
but that's the past.
Nothing. I'm just happy to be here.
But when a mature woman
gets involved with a younger man,
I was 19 and she was a very doable 42.
Please, I came here to brag.
I just needed an opening line.
Not angry. Not thrilled.
No, listen, fella,
You couldn't take me when I was a girl.
Okay, I'm sorry.
Aired 19 years ago - Feb 23, 2004
Alan offends Charlie by choosing harebrained cousins as Jake's guardians in the event of his death.
This isn't about what I want.
This is about what you want,
I don't think you're up to the hard work
of being a full-time parent to Jake.
I'm not giving him to anybody.
He's not a 5-pound ham.
and they live in a great school district.
Who am I thinking of that lives in Kansas?
Jerry and Faye
are both college professors.
Despite all I've been through
with your son,
Charlie, wait. Okay, how about this?
-Now you can thank me.
That's my new photo
for the Sunday real estate section.
Is that all grandmommy is good for,
to bring you gifts?
It's also a dinosaur coloring book.
that in the unlikely event
that Judith should die, and I should die,
-Alan, who gets Jake?
-Now, see, that's grammatically correct.
I have no idea.
-No, Mom. No, it's...
-Give me back my picture.
Check it out.
What if he wants to go to college
No, I don't want a do-over.
Just bring it on.
Good. You're gonna be fine.
Okay, let's get you up, nice and slow.
-I don't know.
-No, don't look.
-You don't know where the hospital is?
-Of course I know where it is.
We'll get you a chili cheeseburger
at the hospital.
Yes! An ambulance.
Fifty-fifty shot he's going to a hospital.
-All right. Just fill this out and have a seat.
-No, you don't understand.
That's it? He's gonna be fine?
Well, you need to fill this out first.
I want to see if you know.
You fell on your head, dude.
I ate a worm once.
All right. We're just gonna vote
the straight "no" ticket.
It's just to numb your skin
so you won't feel the stitches.
Come on, just hold my hand,
look me in the eyes.
Maybe you'd prefer to wait outside.
Help us out here, Doc.
Sure, it's a big brain.
You must be very smart.
I ordered a chili cheeseburger out there.
Will they know to bring it in?
Aired 19 years ago - Feb 16, 2004
Frankie tells Charlie and Alan why she and her daughter are on the run; Frankie's daughter has a crush on Jake.
And ever since, his parents have been
trying to take Joanie away from me.
might not have helped your case.
- Thank you.
Now I've gotten to know her
and I want her to stay.
You know, Joanie,
you are just as pretty as your mom.
and stick it up
your "white bread, country club,
Well, I got news for you, lady.
The term is white trash.
Yeah, right. I'm sorry.
There's just been a lot of stuff going on.
Charlie, behave yourself.
If he can just keep that attitude
for another 30 years, he's gold.
- I just hate to put you out like this.
- It is not a problem.
It'll be like when we were kids.
- I think maybe she has a crush on you.
- Yeah, that's what's annoying.
- No, don't cry.
It's been so long
since anybody's touched me.
How much did you see?
- That was saliva, Alan.
- No, seriously.
Good night, Alan.
Wait, what about... Okay, go on.
My way, they have a good time,
you have a good time, nobody suffers.
over you, and you can't deal with it.
than the inebriated exchange
of bodily fluids.
- We're playing hide-and-seek.
- I don't know where he's hiding.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
So, I thought maybe today, you, me,
and the kids might go do something fun.
- Try superfluous.
- Charlie, you're a great guy.
- No, please, stop.
- Nothing. Just having a really good day.
- You're not jealous, are you?
- No. Dumbfounded, maybe.
Okay, let me put it this way,
my brother is crazy about you.
Great guy and a kiss on the cheek.
- The kids are having a great time.
- This is a wonderful idea, Alan. Thank you.
No, not always.
and since neither one of us
really has our own place...
Yes, you've got a lot of baggage,
but it's nothing I can't get to the curb.
Aired 19 years ago - Feb 09, 2004
Against Alan's judgment, Charlie falls for a seemingly crazy woman named Frankie.
-I got to say, I really appreciate this, guys.
Is Awan a little slow?
So, where can we drop you?
And if you must know,
I'm having family problems.
Oh, wow. You are right on the beach.
It's squall season.
So you met cute, that's nice.
Apparently, Mummy on a Chair
is a very complex game.
I said where, not with whom.
While you are at it,
why don't you try humping a bear trap?
-I just love warm sake.
-Alan, don't be childish.
-She started it.
My brother thinks
I'm just a glorified masseuse.
These hands have amazing powers
to bring relief and even pleasure.
Do you want me with clothes or without?
Man, you are so lucky
to have him right here in this house.
Okay. Round one to the hot, crazy chick.
If you had a TV on your forehead and could
breathe through the ears you'd be perfect.
-Could you pass the syrup?
For a start, you could tell us
something about yourself.
I know this may sound totally crazy
I'm sorry. You should see your faces.
You guys are so easy.
So, what have you got going for today?
Why don't you admit
that you are interested in Frankie?
You are my brother. I don't want
to see you get your feelings hurt.
-God, you are such an arrogant jerk.
-See, your feelings are hurt.
out of this house,
but now that she is here, you want her.
Take your best shot.
Let me just give you a little heads up.
Well, aren't you Toweley Towellerson
all of a sudden.
-Or you just might be a little jealous.
What? I thought we were
doing funny noises.
-Alan, stop competing with me.
-Why don't you stop competing with me?
Hey! Stop it!
I mean, that's it, you know,
you are all alone in the world and...
Yeah, and it doesn't matter who drives,
you know. We will both come.
Aired 19 years ago - Feb 02, 2004
Stan, Charlie's accountant, tries to explain Charlie's financial woes to him.
Charlie, why haven't you been
paying your bills?
Here we are.
Just don't rip the tape, they check.
And they tell me the bills
haven't been paid in four months.
What? How did I run out of money?
This little hole
with a healthy reserve for emergencies.
But when the cash flow
starts to slow down,
What I don't understand is why
you didn't warn him this was happening.
I thought you were the smart one.
This has been a blast.
Don't get me wrong,
It was great meeting you, sport. Ciao.
First thing is,
we stop paying your accountant.
Garden? You mean the two potted palms
on the deck?
That's really cool.
I get every sporting event in the world.
Okay, we can cut back to basic cable.
I got a great deal 'cause she didn't want
to carry it on the bus.
That. That's women and gambling.
The way I see it, you're either gonna
have to slash expenses,
What would you think about going
to Mom for a short-term loan?
but all my money's going
to my former wife, my former house,
Whatever. I'll cut back, like you said.
Okay. Seek and ye shall find.
You can't quit poverty, Charlie.
I want my life back.
Who's the favorite?
Anybody want a snack?
I threw in
some of those garlic puffs you like.
- What are you planning on tipping him?
- I don't know.
- No, keep it.
but, of course, you couldn't tell
'cause none of their faces were moving.
You're gay? You're on drugs?
I suppose. A screwdriver might be nice.
You'll just suck it up, pay her back
in a couple of months and that'll be that.
- Don't ask her.
- I won't.
and I probably should have been
paying closer attention to my expenses.
No more need be said.
- Charlie, what are you...
Aired 19 years ago - Jan 13, 2004
Charlie finally gets a chance for a double date with a hot neighbor, who is out for revenge on her cheating husband, and her sister who's a hot soap opera actress, and needs Alan to come along. The problem is that Alan gets sick from Jake, so
Charlie takes them to a steam room to help Alan get rid of his flu symptoms. This backfires, as Charlie also gets sick, but he has no intentions of canceling the date.
Anything else I can do
to enhance your evening?
Hasn't anybody noticed
I'm sick and miserable here?
Ieather balls out of here.
Don't worry. If he can't, I will.
We're all sick, darling,
but we use discretion.
I don't know. I am kind of thirsty.
As a matter of fact, I'm famished.
We'll have something sent back for him.
Hey. Looking good.
Well, somebody does.
There is no great news.
No, but I hear the sister's a bit of a freak.
Okay. That's very caring and sensitive.
The Seals and Crofts concert?
You weren't complaining
when you were on her shoulders
-She's an actress on some soap opera.
-Really, which one?
So we just sit here and be hot?
That's good. Get it out now,
because most women hate that noise.
It's a rabbi, Jake.
It's not that I don't appreciate you,
It's not about Jake.
I haven't been on a date since college.
Okay, look at it this way.
and the girls should be here
in a little while for drinks.
Charlie, you're burning up.
I figure we'll take them out
for an early dinner and then...
Anyway, we'll take them to the lvy...
Nominated for two Daytime Emmys.
I was gonna suck it up for you.
Find a gun and shoot me in the eye.
so that the body can heal itself.
but I guess now is as good a time as any.
You think I'm some kind of phony?
So instead you spent, what,
two weeks at Back Snapper U?
You could've been a respected
Since you're being honest,
I guess I can admit,
Yes, we could.
Aired 19 years ago - Jan 05, 2004
When Berta is forced to bring her granddaughter Prudence to work with her, the boys find themselves a little preoccupied with her.
because I can't leave her alone
in the house.
I hope they're quiet
'cause I got a lot of work to do.
-Mom lets me smoke.
-Well, why didn't you say so?
You can start with his toilet.
-A Volvo station wagon.
-What do you got?
Yeah, I gotta catch up on some
Your chiropractor job.
-I'm gonna go over to the piano now.
-Yeah, and I'm gonna go to the
I used to go out with a bass player.
He wrote this beautiful song for me,
Do you think you could
teach me something?
Prudence, he's old enough
to be your father.
Don't talk like that
about your grandmother.
I've seen her pick up the stove
to vacuum under it.
Rose, this is Berta's 16-year-old
-Wow, look at that kiss!
she'll be the first one in the family.
the Goofy Juice has vitamin C
You know, Prudence,
I'm the third fastest runner in my class.
I'll be back in a little while.
-Well, that was the...
-And what are pherobones?
Wow, you're really good at that.
-You want another Goofy Juice?
-Aren't you the sweetest.
Remember when you used to say that
Just calling them as I see them.
But I do want you to know that
-Can you put some of this on my back?
-I'll take care of this right now. Bye.
-Charlie, I want to see Jake.
You know Berta,
Uncle Charlie's housekeeper...
Well, it turns out this little rascal
was pulling a fast one on us.
Yep. That's what's going on here.
Should be, you did it twice.
Prudence, what the hell
are you doing here?
Put down the toothbrush, Alan,
we've got bigger problems than gingivitis.
What's going on here?
-Oh, Prudence, that's a terrible idea.
-Charlie, we can't let them go.
Aired 19 years ago - Dec 15, 2003
While at the movies, the brothers bump into Judith and her new boyfriend. Seeing that Judith has changed her look, and the fact that Jake doesn't think Alan is as cool as Judith; prompts Alan to realize that if he wants to get back into the dating scene, he's going to have to change his look as well.
Alan, it's no big deal.
She is not coming back to you, pal.
I don't know, by saying things like,
"Sure you can. I'll help you."
I'm saying maybe it's time
to stop feeling sorry for yourself.
A bit of a bumper sticker,
but sure, why not?
You know what?
I'm gonna start right now.
Yep. The hair, the clothes,
the fuddy-duddy personality.
That was the Esperanto Club look.
-ls that so?
-Yeah, it's weird, 'cause I suck.
-But she's still the same person, Jake.
-No, not really.
For God's sake, Charlie!
we judge a person by what's inside them,
not by what they wear.
I'll put on my stupid jacket,
we'll get in the stupid car,
-I was up all night thinking about it.
And I think I should start dressing
in such a way as to play that card.
-Good, you remember me.
Whenever I would like to spend
some quality time with my grandson
Payback's a bitch, buddy.
Because this is the top floor.
There's no more clothes above this floor.
-How about this?
-I thought you were gonna help me?
This is something
I could see myself wearing.
Please, if she has one more facelift,
she'll be wearing her ass as a hat.
No, I'm just spending
a little quality time with my grandson.
Jake, how old are you?
Jake, tell my friend, Cheryl,
how much you love Grandmommy.
I don't know, Alan.
Maybe there were too many injuries.
Now, let's see.
and he's unbelievably dumb.
Squidward lives there, too.
So, bottom line,
-Oh, dear God.
-He has a pet snail named Gary, that...
Could you show us some shoes
that will go with this?
No, I've changed my mind.
I don't want new clothes.
I spend all day schlepping
from store to store with you,
At least your wife
had the guts to try something new.
I just hope he's worth all the drama.
Luckily, I happened to be out on the deck,
Yeah, very sexy.
Aired 19 years ago - Nov 24, 2003
In an attempt to prove that he is a family man, Charlie invites Lisa over for Thanksgiving dinner
To settling down, to having a family,
But the sex was awesome though, right?
and you want me to talk you out of it.
Bo is not a clown.
Hey, I can commit to long pants.
I was just focused on the shirt today.
-I'm like, Mr. Family Guy.
-Yeah, right, "Family Guy."
until you resolve your issues
with your mother.
This from a guy
who offered my sister a car
-Okay, this is going nowhere.
-Lisa, wait. I'm sorry.
-So, you're all alone for Thanksgiving?
We're gonna have
a big family dinner right here.
-Oh, and Lisa might come.
-Okay, what's going on?
and she needs to believe
I'm capable of changing.
-What do you think?
-Okay, how can I help?
"forget that your parents
are driving all the way from Sacramento
No way in hell.
Are you insane? What's wrong with you?
Why is everybody so damn literal?
I'll have someone there to do the cooking,
the serving, and the cleaning.
Like I've been telling you, I've changed.
And these, of course,
are her wonderful parents,
-Hi, Lisa. So nice to see you again.
-Hi, Alan, long time.
that even though you and our daughter
are no longer married,
This is really Judith's family.
Let's go find mine.
-just like your father did.
-Dad's a doctor.
I want more money.
than the one who picked out
his hideous furniture.
-Because I'm divorcing him.
-Who told you to go and do that?
I love you, Charlie,
but you're not gonna change my mind.
-You know what I mean.
-I know exactly what you mean.
I really think your daughter deserves
a lot of respect.
Don't worry. Charlie and I had sex once,
but now we're just friends.
I'm thankful for the birdie's feet.
I'm thankful for my mom and dad,
and my Uncle Charlie,
Okay, well, I'm thankful
that I can spend the holiday with
you weren't nicer to me.
who has no compunction
about prescribing powerful sedatives.
as unwitting participants
in my desperate charade.
Aired 19 years ago - Nov 17, 2003
After meeting Wendy, a one-night stand of Charlies, Jake befriends her. Charlie doesn't like this situation, as he believes Wendy is using Jake to further their relationship, and he has no intention to keep it going. It gets to the point were
Wendy even starts spending time with Evelyn, and Charlie becomes desperate to get rid of Wendy. After Charlie breaks it off Jake becomes very unhappy with him, because he won't be able to see Wendy anymore. This forces Charlie to confront Jake and explain the situation as best as he can. Rose sees that Alan knows how to play scrabble, and asks him to teach her to play, he agrees. During the scrabble games the two bond, and Charlie suspects that she is using Alan to get closer to him, but doesn't pursue the issue.
Okay, now I get
where you're coming from.
I'm gonna stick with paranoid
and nuts, Bob.
-I guess I should probably get going.
-Yeah, I guess.
and I think she really likes you.
I did not marry the first girl
who slipped me the tongue.
-Okay. So, I'll give you a call?
-Yeah. That'd be great. Okay.
Are you seeing this?
I know. White Toyota hasn't
budged an inch two nights in a row.
that comes right up into your bedroom?
All right, you had sex last night.
You don't have to turn into Mr. Bojangles.
Guess what? Grandma's here!
That was not my fault.
You saw how she kissed me.
-Good morning, Charlie.
I'm showing a house in Malibu.
I thought I'd swing by
Gee, Mom, I think Wendy has stuff to do.
-I'm guessing Dr. Shapiro?
Yeah, I gotta get going, too, Jake.
I can get out.
I gotta tell you, Charlie,
I think she's really...
Let's see. Today's Sunday, so... Never.
And we both can't have me.
-lt was just school.
-Yeah, I heard that. "Just school."
I'm still mad that you peed
in my Boy Scout canteen in 1978.
How would I do that, Charlie?
And by the way, was that so hard?
Just give him some time. He'll get over it.
You know what? It is my house.
I get enough of that crap from my mother.
and no one cares what I want.
It's just that you're a kid.
And what you want doesn't matter.
Wow, how did you see that?
You played "pie" at your own peril,
-What are you doing with Rose?
-I'm teaching her to play Scrabble.
"rampant," 11 points, "egotism," 10,
Me and Rose?
One Scottish brunette.
-Sorry. Oh, hi.
Come on, Wendy. We both know that...
it wasn't gonna work out
between you and me.
I thought you two hit it off.
Aired 19 years ago - Nov 10, 2003
Alan tricks Charlie into joining him and Judith in leading Jake and his classmates in the school's annual music show.
You set me up. You lured me
into that classroom
Okay, that I just lied about.
The rest of them.
Judith and l
will produce and direct. Together.
with your allegedly gay ex-wife?
A gay woman would not fake orgasms
for 12 years just to protect my feelings.
Hey, slow down.
All this energy for me and you
It's not. Fire me, please.
Wear your flip-flops
in the co-ed bathrooms
See? Maybe the easiest way to do this
is for us to write the actual song.
-Like the old days.
-Yeah. Except this time I'm not a virgin.
Except if my Dad moves back
to Mom's house,
Robert Fulton, Eli Whitney
Careful what you wish for, pal.
But we've got a rehearsal at Jake's school.
I'm not gonna face all those pre-pubers
without a snootful.
Really? Good news?
Anger, grief, denial.
But I wouldn't recommend that
for an amateur.
A woman who would do such a thing
cannot be trusted.
How could I possibly make it any worse?
Start splitting them up early.
That's your answer for everything, isn't it?
We've been getting along
because I don't feel trapped,
Lerner and Lowe are out in the hallway
working things out.
-They're fighting again, aren't they?
-Yeah, what can I tell you.
Okay, it's been fun.
But you know what? You know what?
You're not our teacher.
Why should we listen to you?
Now, listen, rehearsal's over.
You can all go home.
He's almost famous.
He wrote the Maple Loops song.
It's the sweetest breakfast treat
From the magic chocolate mountain
What do you know.
Maybe I don't hate kids.
I'm sorry I didn't give you
a heads up about the divorce papers.
Stick, pump or can
Yeah, we'll take it from here, okay?
These are my people.
Plumber in a Jar.
Let's really sell it this time.
Aired 19 years ago - Nov 03, 2003
Judith gets worried when, for a school assignment, Jake draws the tattooed buttocks of a female surfer friend of Charlie's who is in the habit of walking around his place half naked. Then Alan gets worried about Judith after she becomes friends with the surfer girl.
Rose, you've got to get a hobby.
To make my friend
a grilled cheese sandwich.
Hey, Judith. Alan's at work.
One child drew a record player,
another drew a parrot.
It's hard enough going through
this transition all by myself.
I mean, I've always been
the good daughter or the good wife.
You know what?
Don't fill up. Your mom's taking us
out for lunch.
What's to talk about? He's a boy.
He saw a woman's ass. He liked it.
No, it's spelled Cankun.
I have my moments,
but they're becoming further apart.
but it's important
that you know what they mean.
Excuse me, but I met that one,
and she was perfect.
These women worked very hard,
ate very little,
See, that's the lesson here.
Do you get what I'm saying?
Yeah, I'm so glad you called. I just...
What do you understand?
She feels like this is crossing a boundary
Why don't you open up another
bottle of wine
He thinks it's my fault
that Alan and I are breaking up,
No, we were just hanging out. I'm Cindy.
I met him. He's pretty tightly wound.
I do not understand.
I brought a Frisbee for your son.
It's a Glow-in-the-Dark Pro model.
Come on. I'll show you some exercises
before we hit the shower.
Your girlfriend and my wife.
Surfing. Showering. Rubber suits.
Charlie, what are you gonna do?
God knows what's going on under my roof.
Your wife has taken up surfing.
So what do we know for sure
about Cindy and Judith?
And I got to see penguins and a manta ray.
Yeah. When I got home,
I went to the movies with Mom and Cindy.
She's not gonna be happy
until the whole damn family surfs.
She gets all bent out of shape
is a big part of what drove Judith away
in the first place.
Listen, if she really is gay,
then there's nothing you can do about it.
Aired 19 years ago - Oct 27, 2003
Charlie tries to teach Jake to avoid certain calls that Charlie doesn't want to deal with, like his mother (Evelyn) for one. Evelyn gets so frustrated with not being able to talk to Charlie, that she decides to drop in while in the neighborhood.
She invites them to dinner, to meet her new boyfriend (Tommy). When the brothers get over to their mothers house, Charlie is shocked to realize that Tommy's daughter is Olivia, one of the people he has been avoiding. Olivia tries to confront Charlie about their situation, but doesn't get the answer she wants, and throws a drink in his face, then storms off. After a week of not being able to contact their mother, Alan gets worried about her. So the brothers decide to go to her house and see if she's okay. They find her sitting in the dark and drinking, and she informs them that Tommy dumped her for a younger women. Later the brothers get Jake to try and cheer her up.
Okay. I tell women upfront I'm not looking
for a long-term relationship.
-Just tell them I'm not here.
-He's not here, Grandma!
I don't believe you, sweetheart.
But at least you care enough to lie.
-What kind of gift is that?
-You told me he likes transformer toys.
Your grandma loves you so much.
-Five time's the charm.
What night is good for you?
-Of course I know.
-But maybe one of us should go.
-Better late than never.
"Don't call me Grandma."
Look, you didn't bring wine. Good.
Too many people bring wine.
-And this is Jake.
-Yes, I am, Evelyn.
Do you two know each other?
It wasn't medically necessary.
She just had a function to go to.
and when she found out it wasn't,
she got a little upset.
This man is very important to me.
We are going to have a nice dinner.
She is the warmest, most affectionate,
giving woman I have ever known.
Tommy, you are not telling that story.
When people don't return your calls, it's
kind of hard to know how they have been.
when this hausfrau from Tone-Deaf, Texas,
gets up and starts singing my song.
Who wants to have this conversation?
-You said I was very special to you.
Finish the story, Evelyn.
Did you push her back?
Our best hitter, Billy Kresky's up.
Charlie, I think we have got
a bigger problem.
She's probably just sulking because l
screwed up her dinner party last week.
No, I got to be honest,
I like my idea better.
Okay, she's not here. Let's go.
I didn't want to burden anyone with
my grief over the late Tommy Pearson.
The thing between me and his daughter
happened years before you met the guy.
Yeah. I'm sorry, too.
Charlie, wait! We can't just leave her here.
Appreciate it. All right then, chin up.
Uncle Charlie got me a metal detector and
sometimes I find cool stuff on the beach.
-Yeah, but finders, keepers, right?
-And losers, weepers.
Somebody needs to go out there
and back him up.
The kid's got a bladder the size of a pea.
You know what Jake would
really get a kick out of?
Pick it up, Charlie.
We are walking, not crawling.
Aired 19 years ago - Oct 20, 2003
After spending a night in Las Vegas, Charlie decides to live up to his promise that he made to Jake about attending his soccer game. During the game, Charlie sets up a play-date with an unattached mother named Kate, and they hit it off. During one
of their dates, Charlie seems like he's ready for a serious relation. Alan sets up a meeting with Gloria (one of the soccer moms) to write a soccer newsletter, but Gloria has other intentions for the evening, and he has no idea. During the evening another soccer mom, Brooke, tries to move in on Gloria's plans.
We don't keep score. We think
it's healthier if the kids just play for fun.
So tell us, is it true?
I have to go because,
hell, I don't need a reason.
Jake's fine. He's 10.
He's got his whole life ahead of him.
And I found his phone
number in my pocket.
What's your take on this
whole no-keeping-score thing?
Number nine. But I'm not the father.
Yeah. Except for us. 12-2.
Charlie, we are trying to teach
the kids not to keep score.
I made a play date for him with
one of the kids from the game.
No going in the water,
no throwing rocks, and remember,
Anything for the kids. They're our future.
I'm sorry, where was l?
Jake, you should probably
put your dead thing down, too.
Are you happy?
I told you to put it down, Ernie.
So anything you do
will get back to my wife,
I'm thinking of calling it "Just For Kicks."
Anything for the kids.
A successful chiropractor,
We know each other.
It's really important for a woman your age.
You showed up late
so you could snoop on me.
Kate, I'm trying.
Ernie, would you put your shoes on?
by my sexual...
I'm sorry. Yes, six inches.
goldenrod, salmon, mustard...
My brother, Alan, warned me
not to go out with you tonight.
Charlie, I have a confession.
All right, well, nowadays,
women pay for dinner.
Alan, would you mind driving me home?
We'll be right back.
Please. I told you two years ago
that marriage was toast.
He still thinks we're doing
a soccer newsletter.
You wouldn't know
what to do with a hot guy.
The biggest surprise was how
much I loved having him around.
Of course, you probably
know that already.
Aired 19 years ago - Oct 13, 2003
Charlie is very unhappy with his housekeepers' decision to quit, after she experiences Alan's demanding ways. Alan then offers to take on the role of housekeeper, but this situation doesn't work at all. So Alan decides to get the housekeeper to come
back. Before Alan leaves, he puts Charlie in charge of getting Jake ready for a dinner with his mother and grandparents. Charlie also tries to get Rose to move on, and date other men. He finds both situations to be bigger challenges then he first thought.
Okay, so before you got up, Berta started
the coffee and got you your paper?
Want a glass of peanut butter?
I'm sorry. I'll try to be more transparent.
Not you. That girl that's been stalking me.
So, maybe you should find someone
who can give you the attention you want.
can take it.
That seems kind of forward,
don't you think?
Gee, I'm sorry, Charlie.
But they don't make chocolate Pledge.
That's not going to help me now, is it?
If I can't write my chocolate song,
I'm going to take a nap.
Don't blame me. I tried to make it work.
But since you obviously
can't live without her,
Your entire life depends on this woman
and you know nothing about her.
Steven Tyler from Aerosmith.
4456 Malibu Canyon Road.
I'm trying desperately
to reconcile with my wife,
I asked Andy out, and he said yes.
To roll around naked on your bed.
-What the hell happened to you?
-You know what else is complicated?
Kid, I'm a piano player. What do you think?
But my bike's still broken.
I think you made it worse.
Me, too strong? What do you mean?
So, I'm going to put on something
a little less...
Okay. Thank you. Bye-bye.
My marriage is collapsing,
my business is slow.
Washing my bike chain. It's real dirty.
She's really a delight.
Sure. But when I do it, you just ignore me.
You didn't tell him to rinse.
-I'm a chiropractor.
I'm not in the mood, Jake.
Jake, dude, I'm right on the edge.
What? No. Sure you can.
-Now go out and have a great time.
God, that feels so good.
I'm a big fan.
Aired 19 years ago - Oct 06, 2003
After spending a day at Disneyland, Jake gets sick and wants to go to his mothers' house, to have her take care of him. This sends Alan into a state of misery, as he realizes he's losing his wife, and son. Charlie suggests that they go drinking,
and Alan agrees. After drinking the boys take a cab home, but at one point they end up at their mothers, where they try to tell her what they think of her, but fail in getting the point across.
I don't know why she brought it,
I don't know why she's taking it.
Rule number one...
The point is, if you consult with all
It's all I can do to not imagine you
lying dead in a ditch somewhere.
Because when your
brother's marriage ended,
It's now an obstacle to my spending
quality time with my beloved grandchild.
Who's a good dog? Oh, yeah!
Happiest place on earth,
my snow white ass.
threw up on me in the Teacup?
Hey, sleepy head. You're just in time.
Your pancakes are almost ready.
Let me feel. Yeah, you're a little warm.
You are home.
I may not be the one to ask.
Because I was gonna fake it.
and Judith suggested I take mine to go.
No, gosh, I forgot to bring Porky back.
He goes through them faster than shoes.
I'm sorry. It's the only thing I know to
say when someone cries around here.
You do know the pig can't hear you, right?
I don't know. Why don't we toss Porky
in the ocean and go get bombed?
You know, my kid is sick,
and I can't even be with him.
Although, I wouldn't brag about it.
Alan, people are gonna do whatever
they're gonna do in this world.
I don't remember where we left our car.
going home for as to reclaim my home.
No. I am going home to my wife
1 167, Bonnie Meadow Drive.
No. Let's give it a second.
They do. My nephew eats them.
You get that I'm loaded, right?
She chased me out of the house
with a golf club.
You'd go to Dad for marriage counseling?
Your mother sounds like
a real piece of work.
And she made him so scared of intimacy
is resolved, most men are doomed to
repeat dysfunctional childhood patterns.
Let's confront her. You with me? Come on!
Aired 19 years ago - Sep 29, 2003
While spending time with Jake, Charlie finds it hard to enforce rules that Alan has set out for him. It gets to the point were Jake lures a flock of sea gulls into his room, and Charlie gets very upset. This prompts Jake to try and get Charlie to
Alan starts doing chores for Judith, in the hopes of them getting back together. During one of the tasks, Judith kisses Alan, leading him to believe that things will get back to the way they once were.
Laundry? Are you barking mad?
This sock is soaking wet.
I put Jake to bed, I folded the laundry,
Alan, your wife threw you out.
It's good. It leaves the door open for,
you know, reconciliation.
And you're not supposed
to be watching TV.
-Go to bed, Jake.
Hey, I'm watching that.
He obviously knows me
better than you do.
I mean it. Give me the remote
and go to your room.
And another thing. Were you on the deck
feeding the seagulls again?
because we get all kinds of bugs
and crap flying in the house.
-Was he watching TV?
The grocery store.
-I have to.
Great. I'll see you later.
You know nothing about commitment
and responsibility to a relationship.
Because if you did,
I have two words for you.
I know when I'm being used, Judith,
and not in a fun way.
I hope you find
whatever it is you're looking for.
-What you got there?
-Just a little bread.
You have to put $1 in the swear jar,
you said "bastards."
I don't want to talk to you right now.
I told you, don't feed the damn things.
I told you, don't leave the windows open.
No, Phyllis, I wanted to talk to somebody
Look, I need somebody who can come over
with a net or something.
Neither will you.
You know what? Jake and I may be
out of here sooner than you think.
This wasn't the kiss of a woman who just
wanted her garbage disposal unclogged.
Hey, Uncle Charlie,
you want to play some sock golf?
screaming, crapping birds in his house.
You just have to give them a little time
and a little space.
I went down to the bait shop
and asked them what seagulls like to eat.
Hey, Uncle Charlie, I made this for you.
-Can I help?
Fine. I forgive him.
We go in there and start throwing
this stuff out the windows.
I'm gonna get a drywall guy in there
and seal off that room.
You already took away all the good stuff.
Aired 20 years ago - Sep 22, 2003
Charlie's life turns upside down when his brother and nephew move in; at the supermarket, Charlie discovers he can use 10-year-old Jake to attract women.
You brought your own sheets?
by the San Fernando
Valley Chiropractic Association.
and sometimes in the middle of the day,
for no reason at all,
Good night, Monkey Man.
If it makes you feel bad,
why do you drink it?
Now, what I think you need to do
is to make a list.
When I was your age, I could only dream
about my parents splitting up.
Well, with us.
Why would I be happy? It's just milk.
I want Maple Loops.
- You two are really good together.
- Thank you.
Housekeeper /actress/hand model.
She said she was your maid.
I'm here to help your brother
through a very difficult time.
You and Jake will come live with me.
- And you were right.
- Whose deal is it?
- Jake, go to bed!
I don't need to lighten up.
The world I live in is dark.
My dad says we're moving
to Grandma's tomorrow.
He loves you
more than anything in the world.
Charlie, I haven't seen you in two weeks.
Do you ever think about having kids?
Hi, Monkey Man.