Status
Ended
Network
CBS
SEASON
EPISODE

Comedy

DESCRIPTION

A hedonistic jingle writer's free-wheeling life comes to an abrupt halt when his brother and 10-year-old nephew move into his beach-front house.

Season 1

Aired 16 years ago - May 24, 2004

A pregnancy scare has Charlie heading to the doctor for a vasectomy.

Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 24 (S01E24) - 1
So, what else is new?
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Wait, so this is a common occurrence? Don't you take precautions?
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razor blades, cotton balls.
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And extra-strength, double latex, for coyote Tuesdays.
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Snipped is what you get for $12 at Supercuts.
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and decide I want to raise a family?
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So, Mr. Harper, you want a vasectomy?
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There can be sexual impairment?
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Do you write with your testicles?
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- Good. - Hang on.
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So, frozen sperm.
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dim the lights, put on a little sweet soul music...
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You deal with prostates and penises all day, you better have a sense of humor.
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Jake, Grandma came all the way over here to spend some time with you.
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A little birdie told me you were in a urologist's office yesterday.
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I just brought up Dr. Shankman because no one has noticed my new tushie.
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I'm done. Can I go play in my room?
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You're selfishly robbing me of grandchildren.
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Come on, I'm doing laundry. I want to finish a load before I go.
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So, what's in the bag?
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There is another container inside this bag, right?
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No!
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Are you nuts? You can't put that in the freezer.
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Thanks to you, I got to reschedule the whole deal for this afternoon.
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A vasectomy is a very simple operation.
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Keep going, you're doing great.
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My pleasure. Is Charlie gonna be okay?
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- I'll tell Jake you're here. - Okay.
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- You need a hand? - No, get out.
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That's a perfectly natural way to relieve stress.
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- Forget it, Alan. - I wish I could.
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What difference does it make? We both know I'm not daddy material.
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Why don't you jump up on the table,
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Don't forget to put a cone around his head so he doesn't bite at the stitches.
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I know, but how "meet cute" is this?
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You got a little mirror so I can check out the back?
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Yeah. I love you, too. Breathe, honey. Just breathe.
Aired 16 years ago - May 17, 2004

Charlie tries to sweet talk Judith's divorcee support-group into letting Jake continue to spend weekends at his place.

Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 23 (S01E23) - 1
It's not funny ha-ha so much as not funny.
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So, you're never going to get married?
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Okay, bye-bye.
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Tiffany, how can you not be when you look at something like that?
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or all the expensive toys I'm always buying him.
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What kind of a man doesn't make room in his life for his own family?
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Get out? She's upset with me because of you!
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Or a support group just for angry women?
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and cleaning the house.
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You want to go to the movies with me?
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"plus gratuitous nudity. "
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She still talking to you after last weekend?
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No, I'd love to try again.
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She still busting your chops about what Jake said?
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Poor Satan. He'll come for your soul and he'll leave empty-handed.
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Judith, how many times have I asked you to have him ready when I...
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- Yes, I know, but... - Judith feels she can no longer
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- Who are you? - They are my friends.
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You're absolutely right. Judith, tell him what we agreed.
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You know what? Maybe I have a problem with Jake being in this toxic environment.
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- Where are the pancakes? - What pancakes?
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I'm sorry, man. I told you to blame it all on me.
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The trick with women is to split them off from the herd, one by one.
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Do you hear yourself? "Buffalo Gals"? Are you insane?
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Apparently Jake took something I said out of context
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you don't necessarily need yet another woman
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Morning, everybody. I brought real maple syrup for the pancakes.
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See? Just like buffalo.
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Okay, I am a jerk, I am immature, I am self-centered, I am...
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Charlie, we are having a meeting.
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Listen, I know I can't come in here and ask to be forgiven
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We are not a bunch of sorority girls you can charm with your big, brown eyes.
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deep down, I have intimacy issues that probably go back to my mom.
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other than to raise them as humans?
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I mean, some of us haven't been blessed with the little ones the way you have.
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But let's talk for a minute about how he's influenced me.
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Okay, who's ready for a refill?
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- You are terrible! - I'm serious.
Aired 16 years ago - May 10, 2004

Charlie attempts to cure Alan of his recent bout of sleepwalking; Jake sees his therapist.

Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 22 (S01E22) - 1
No, I am not in denial.
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Damn it!
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Good for you, because I have no memory of being asleep.
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Sure, but you still owe me like $12,000 from last time.
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I didn't, but Judith and I talked,
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You're right. It's been a long time since you got any meow.
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But it's not gonna hurt to have someone outside the family he can talk to.
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Okay, look, nobody likes divorce, but there are certain advantages.
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It's a small price to pay to avoid aggravating Judith.
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- No. - Good.
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You eat moo-shu with a pancake, like a little Chinese taco.
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- Alan, chill. - I will not chill. I want what I ordered.
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That's smart. Scream at the people who handle your food.
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- No kidding. - Yeah, she went berserk.
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I thought you'd like to know that your brother is sleepwalking again.
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You handle this, honey, I'm going back to bed.
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I mean, right here in the room.
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"Dr. Linda Freeman, Child Psychologist?" Who here's seeing a child psychologist?
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Jake, honey. I just want you to know
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- M.D. Or PhD? - C-O-W.
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in the Neiman Marcus changing room.
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The thing is, he's been sleepwalking,
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Right around the time he started taking those long showers
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This is nice. Great idea, Charlie.
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I'm fine, Charlie.
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Hi, Charlie. Who's your cute friend?
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Come, please, join us.
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You know, Alan, Annette is a seat-filler for most of the major awards shows.
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- Just like that? - Yes, Alan, just like that.
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You sure? 'Cause there's no way you're banging her on your own.
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- What? - I can't say it more clearly than that, Alan.
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she still runs your life, you're broke,
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and coming at me like a frigging steamroller.
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Aired 16 years ago - May 03, 2004

Charlie jeopardizes Alan's divorce settlement by sleeping with his attorney, Laura.

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Right on.
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Seeing as how you're my brother's lawyer and all,
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-That's fine. I don't care. -You are very special.
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-Man, this just keeps getting hotter. -But I need you to do something for me.
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-You're going to leave? -I'm done.
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Charlie, go.
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I don't want to watch TV. I want to play my Gameboy, and it's in your room.
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or your early-afternoon nap?
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Judith is demanding half of my book collection.
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Then one night, maybe someone goes and gets them back.
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What's that?
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I'm making a living, Charlie.
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-I'm on the phone with Laura. -Say hi for me.
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-What happened to the TV? -There's nothing dirty on.
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If the right lawyer gets their hands on him, they could really make him sweat.
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-Where's my Gameboy? -I'll buy you a new one.
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You've gotta be kidding.
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And she wants you to take Jake out and buy him a new Gameboy.
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that would negatively influence my nephew.
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I do okay.
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Okay, let me just say here that I love Jake
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Okay, yes.
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-Woman in the shower? -Don't help them.
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Okay, now that's a totally different... Whoa, man!
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Look, Stuart, we both know you're on a fishing expedition here, right?
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Oh, God!
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but we still need to finalize the property settlement.
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That was the only thing in my bedroom that moved when I touched it.
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So let's just keep the squishing to a minimum.
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Nothing. Not a thing.
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No, of course not, Alan. I'm a professional.
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Okay, Laura, look.
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Just make yourself at home, Crystal. That's the ocean.
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You are going to be very sorry, Charlie Harper.
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Actually, our appraisers came in at $16,500.
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I understand there's a dispute over the massage chair.
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-Okay, what else would you like? -What else?
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Yeah, like every other time Judith screwed me.
Aired 16 years ago - Apr 19, 2004

Judith believes that Jake is having a hard time dealing with his parent's divorce, after he starts annoying everyone with his non-stop guitar playing. So she suggests that they send Jake to a therapist. Alan doesn't agree at first, but after thinking about it, he believes it might not be such a bad idea.

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It really sounds like you've got your mojo working.
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People keep on asking me what's bothering me.
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-Problems with Mom? -No.
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Or you're the only guy in gym class without hair on his testicles.
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No, I'm just being a good host. And, yeah, a little bit.
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Did you check to see if he's constipated?
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Why, 'cause it's working so good for her?
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But this isn't like him.
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Not bad. But why don't you try fretting the "E" and the "A" string together?
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But right now, let's just take a little pause for the cause.
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Peer pressure. Bullies.
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Stopped her up for two weeks.
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The little snothead kicked me out of his room.
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And even while my marriage was collapsing, he always came first.
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You're right. I'm always too quick to blame myself.
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Alan, ease up. He said he's not hungry.
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Thanks.
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Stupid.
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Pick a stupid show and live with it.
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Perhaps you should put a Post-it Note on your penis.
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Maybe later, we could have a jam session. You on guitar, me on piano.
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I was thinking that maybe the three of us could go out and do something fun today.
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Or, we could scare it out of him.
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Real unhappiness is being totally ignored
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And FYl, I only had that surgery so you wouldn't have a grandmommy
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But compared to our mother, you're like a fart in a hurricane.
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For the night terrors, agoraphobia, and bed-wetting.
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well, then I think you have a big problem.
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-You comfy? -It's okay.
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Well, I can barely see you from up here.
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Neither do l.
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Yeah, it's a traumatic thing to see his father kicked out of his house.
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"He stuck in his thumb and pulled out a blank."
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Your drinking sets a bad example.
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Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 20 (S01E20) - 45
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I must tell you very frankly...
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 20 (S01E20) - 47
It's $175. But that's not really the point now, is it?
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 20 (S01E20) - 48
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Speaking of which, did I leave that girl at the house?
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 20 (S01E20) - 50
-My God, your whole family's insane. -Hold on, people!

Judith's sister, Liz (guest star Teri Hatcher), hits on Alan at Jake's birthday party; Evelyn prefers alcohol to cake.

Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 19 (S01E19) - 1
Poor soul.
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Not clothes, darling.
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All right, the other boys will be envious.
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Liz. Thank you.
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Maybe because Judith was smarter.
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I'm sorry. Class it up for me.
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You could've at least put on a bra.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 19 (S01E19) - 9
And please, would you behave yourself with Charlie?
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Hello, Alan.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 19 (S01E19) - 11
Hey, sweetie. Hi.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 19 (S01E19) - 12
It's not a surprise. I told her.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 19 (S01E19) - 13
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I don't suppose you thought to buy him a safety helmet.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 19 (S01E19) - 15
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But first a drinkie-poo.
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-That's telling her, Evelyn. -Now, see.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 19 (S01E19) - 18
How can you not remember the coatroom?
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 19 (S01E19) - 19
But come on, we're practically family.
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One, two, three.
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Alan, how are those magic fingers of yours?
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 19 (S01E19) - 22
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Yeah. How could she not remember me?
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You said it yourself. They've been going at each other for years.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 19 (S01E19) - 25
The only play she has left is to sleep with you.
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Look me in the eye.
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-It's my ex-wife's sister. -Exactly.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 19 (S01E19) - 28
Okay.
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Is it black or red?
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Alan.
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So would Charlie, but we can't always get what we want.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 19 (S01E19) - 32
Maybe after the cake.
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Her back hurts, Judith. She wants an adjustment.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 19 (S01E19) - 34
-I'm warning you. -What warning?
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 19 (S01E19) - 35
"Good evening, sir or madame.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 19 (S01E19) - 36
I don't really remember, Charlie.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 19 (S01E19) - 37
Over the years, I've actually used the mental picture of that night as
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 19 (S01E19) - 38
Hey, come on, that's a compliment.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 19 (S01E19) - 39
Okay, now I'll take the magic ball from my left hand and put it into my right.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 19 (S01E19) - 40
The magic ball.
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-Don't you dare. -Now we're daring?
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-Why are they fighting? -They're not fighting. They're discussing.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 19 (S01E19) - 44
Sorry I'm late.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 19 (S01E19) - 45
You were always a cheap slut and you haven't changed.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 19 (S01E19) - 46
Ever since we were kids, anytime I loved something, you took it away from me.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 19 (S01E19) - 47
-You never told her? -Told me what?
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 19 (S01E19) - 48
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 19 (S01E19) - 49
Chronologically, yes.
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wouldn't have happened if you were twins.
Aired 16 years ago - Mar 01, 2004

Charlie is stunned to learn his ex-girlfriend is now a man (Chris O'Donnell).

Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 18 (S01E18) - 1
No kidding?
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Maybe she had a good reason.
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Me who?
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Jill?
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We're gonna need two shots of tequila.
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Who pays the nickel, by the way?
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I tried everything, but the truth is,
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-You haven't changed. -I wish I could say the same.
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Wait.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 18 (S01E18) - 12
It's just...
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Yeah, Bill, whatever. It's okay.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 18 (S01E18) - 14
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get you undressed and...
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Bill, this is my brother Alan. Alan, this is my old friend, Bill.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 18 (S01E18) - 17
Anyway, I ran into my old friend, Bill, here.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 18 (S01E18) - 18
The house is clean, I'm going home now.
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I'm planning on moving back and buying a place.
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So, are you interested in renting or buying?
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Sexy and liquid. I like that in a man.
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-I don't smoke. -You will when I'm done with you.
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Very soon you're gonna be looking back on this moment with fond nostalgia.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 18 (S01E18) - 27
Very tall.
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-And you and Jill used to... -Every chance we got.
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-Go to bed. -Go to bed.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 18 (S01E18) - 30
my mom and I slept with the same dude.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 18 (S01E18) - 31
until the part of the brain that creates mental pictures is dead.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 18 (S01E18) - 32
Maybe all these years I've been pathologically chasing women
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 18 (S01E18) - 33
that either of us will ever have to call a woman I slept with "Daddy."
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 18 (S01E18) - 34
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Go to a fun party? See a great movie?
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 18 (S01E18) - 37
Okay. I'll fix you something to eat.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 18 (S01E18) - 38
-Oh, boy. -Oh, boy.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 18 (S01E18) - 39
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That's nice, Mom. Isn't that nice, Alan?
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 18 (S01E18) - 41
some sordid adventures together, but that's the past.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 18 (S01E18) - 42
Nothing. I'm just happy to be here.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 18 (S01E18) - 43
But when a mature woman gets involved with a younger man,
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 18 (S01E18) - 44
I was 19 and she was a very doable 42.
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Please, I came here to brag. I just needed an opening line.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 18 (S01E18) - 46
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 18 (S01E18) - 47
Not angry. Not thrilled.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 18 (S01E18) - 48
No, listen, fella,
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 18 (S01E18) - 49
You couldn't take me when I was a girl.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 18 (S01E18) - 50
Okay, I'm sorry.
Aired 16 years ago - Feb 23, 2004

Alan offends Charlie by choosing harebrained cousins as Jake's guardians in the event of his death.

Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 17 (S01E17) - 1
This isn't about what I want. This is about what you want,
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 17 (S01E17) - 2
I don't think you're up to the hard work of being a full-time parent to Jake.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 17 (S01E17) - 3
I'm not giving him to anybody. He's not a 5-pound ham.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 17 (S01E17) - 4
and they live in a great school district.
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Who am I thinking of that lives in Kansas?
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Jerry and Faye are both college professors.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 17 (S01E17) - 7
Despite all I've been through with your son,
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 17 (S01E17) - 8
Charlie, wait. Okay, how about this?
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 17 (S01E17) - 9
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-Now you can thank me. -Thank you.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 17 (S01E17) - 11
That's my new photo for the Sunday real estate section.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 17 (S01E17) - 12
Is that all grandmommy is good for, to bring you gifts?
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 17 (S01E17) - 13
It's also a dinosaur coloring book.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 17 (S01E17) - 14
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 17 (S01E17) - 15
that in the unlikely event that Judith should die, and I should die,
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 17 (S01E17) - 16
-Alan, who gets Jake? -Now, see, that's grammatically correct.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 17 (S01E17) - 17
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I have no idea.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 17 (S01E17) - 19
-No, Mom. No, it's... -Give me back my picture.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 17 (S01E17) - 20
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Check it out.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 17 (S01E17) - 22
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What if he wants to go to college or something?
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 17 (S01E17) - 24
No, I don't want a do-over. Just bring it on.
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Good. You're gonna be fine.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 17 (S01E17) - 27
I'm sorry. Okay, let's get you up, nice and slow.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 17 (S01E17) - 28
-I don't know. -No, don't look.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 17 (S01E17) - 29
-You don't know where the hospital is? -Of course I know where it is.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 17 (S01E17) - 30
We'll get you a chili cheeseburger at the hospital.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 17 (S01E17) - 31
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Yes! An ambulance. Fifty-fifty shot he's going to a hospital.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 17 (S01E17) - 33
-All right. Just fill this out and have a seat. -No, you don't understand.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 17 (S01E17) - 34
That's it? He's gonna be fine?
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 17 (S01E17) - 35
Well, you need to fill this out first.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 17 (S01E17) - 36
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I want to see if you know. You fell on your head, dude.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 17 (S01E17) - 38
I ate a worm once.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 17 (S01E17) - 39
All right. We're just gonna vote the straight "no" ticket.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 17 (S01E17) - 40
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It's just to numb your skin so you won't feel the stitches.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 17 (S01E17) - 42
Come on, just hold my hand, look me in the eyes.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 17 (S01E17) - 43
Maybe you'd prefer to wait outside.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 17 (S01E17) - 44
Help us out here, Doc.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 17 (S01E17) - 45
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Sure, it's a big brain. You must be very smart.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 17 (S01E17) - 49
I ordered a chili cheeseburger out there. Will they know to bring it in?
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 17 (S01E17) - 50
Cool hats.
Aired 16 years ago - Feb 16, 2004

Frankie tells Charlie and Alan why she and her daughter are on the run; Frankie's daughter has a crush on Jake.

Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 16 (S01E16) - 1
And ever since, his parents have been trying to take Joanie away from me.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 16 (S01E16) - 2
might not have helped your case.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 16 (S01E16) - 3
- Absolutely. - Thank you.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 16 (S01E16) - 4
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Now I've gotten to know her and I want her to stay.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 16 (S01E16) - 6
- Second. - Really?
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 16 (S01E16) - 7
You know, Joanie, you are just as pretty as your mom.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 16 (S01E16) - 8
and stick it up your "white bread, country club,
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 16 (S01E16) - 9
Well, I got news for you, lady. The term is white trash.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 16 (S01E16) - 10
Yeah, right. I'm sorry. There's just been a lot of stuff going on.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 16 (S01E16) - 11
Charlie, behave yourself.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 16 (S01E16) - 12
If he can just keep that attitude for another 30 years, he's gold.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 16 (S01E16) - 13
- I just hate to put you out like this. - It is not a problem.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 16 (S01E16) - 14
It'll be like when we were kids.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 16 (S01E16) - 15
- I think maybe she has a crush on you. - Yeah, that's what's annoying.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 16 (S01E16) - 16
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- Yeah. - No, don't cry.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 16 (S01E16) - 20
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It's been so long since anybody's touched me.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 16 (S01E16) - 22
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How much did you see?
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 16 (S01E16) - 25
- That was saliva, Alan. - No, seriously.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 16 (S01E16) - 26
Good night, Alan.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 16 (S01E16) - 27
Wait, what about... Okay, go on.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 16 (S01E16) - 28
My way, they have a good time, you have a good time, nobody suffers.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 16 (S01E16) - 29
over you, and you can't deal with it.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 16 (S01E16) - 30
than the inebriated exchange of bodily fluids.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 16 (S01E16) - 31
- Alan? - What?
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 16 (S01E16) - 32
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- We're playing hide-and-seek. - I don't know where he's hiding.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 16 (S01E16) - 34
- Thank you. - You're welcome.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 16 (S01E16) - 35
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So, I thought maybe today, you, me, and the kids might go do something fun.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 16 (S01E16) - 37
- Morning. - Morning.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 16 (S01E16) - 38
- Try superfluous. - Alan.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 16 (S01E16) - 39
- Charlie, you're a great guy. - No, please, stop.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 16 (S01E16) - 40
- What? - Nothing. Just having a really good day.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 16 (S01E16) - 41
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- You're not jealous, are you? - No. Dumbfounded, maybe.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 16 (S01E16) - 44
Okay, let me put it this way, my brother is crazy about you.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 16 (S01E16) - 45
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Great guy and a kiss on the cheek.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 16 (S01E16) - 47
- The kids are having a great time. - This is a wonderful idea, Alan. Thank you.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 16 (S01E16) - 48
No, not always.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 16 (S01E16) - 49
and since neither one of us really has our own place...
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 16 (S01E16) - 50
Yes, you've got a lot of baggage, but it's nothing I can't get to the curb.
Aired 16 years ago - Feb 09, 2004

Against Alan's judgment, Charlie falls for a seemingly crazy woman named Frankie.

Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 15 (S01E15) - 1
-I got to say, I really appreciate this, guys. -No problem.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 15 (S01E15) - 2
Is Awan a little slow?
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 15 (S01E15) - 3
So, where can we drop you?
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 15 (S01E15) - 4
And if you must know, I'm having family problems.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 15 (S01E15) - 5
Oh, wow. You are right on the beach.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 15 (S01E15) - 6
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Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 15 (S01E15) - 8
It's squall season.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 15 (S01E15) - 9
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 15 (S01E15) - 10
So you met cute, that's nice.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 15 (S01E15) - 11
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 15 (S01E15) - 12
Apparently, Mummy on a Chair is a very complex game.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 15 (S01E15) - 13
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 15 (S01E15) - 14
I said where, not with whom.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 15 (S01E15) - 15
While you are at it, why don't you try humping a bear trap?
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 15 (S01E15) - 16
-I just love warm sake. -Me, too.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 15 (S01E15) - 17
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-Alan, don't be childish. -She started it.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 15 (S01E15) - 20
My brother thinks I'm just a glorified masseuse.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 15 (S01E15) - 21
These hands have amazing powers to bring relief and even pleasure.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 15 (S01E15) - 22
Do you want me with clothes or without?
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 15 (S01E15) - 23
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Hi.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 15 (S01E15) - 25
Man, you are so lucky to have him right here in this house.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 15 (S01E15) - 26
Okay, then.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 15 (S01E15) - 27
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Okay. Round one to the hot, crazy chick.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 15 (S01E15) - 29
If you had a TV on your forehead and could breathe through the ears you'd be perfect.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 15 (S01E15) - 30
boyfriend,
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-Could you pass the syrup? -Sure. Yeah.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 15 (S01E15) - 34
For a start, you could tell us something about yourself.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 15 (S01E15) - 35
I know this may sound totally crazy
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 15 (S01E15) - 36
I'm sorry. You should see your faces. You guys are so easy.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 15 (S01E15) - 37
So, what have you got going for today?
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 15 (S01E15) - 38
Why don't you admit that you are interested in Frankie?
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 15 (S01E15) - 39
You are my brother. I don't want to see you get your feelings hurt.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 15 (S01E15) - 40
-God, you are such an arrogant jerk. -See, your feelings are hurt.
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out of this house, but now that she is here, you want her.
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Take your best shot. Let me just give you a little heads up.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 15 (S01E15) - 43
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Well, aren't you Toweley Towellerson all of a sudden.
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-Or you just might be a little jealous. -Jealous?
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What? I thought we were doing funny noises.
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-Alan, stop competing with me. -Why don't you stop competing with me?
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Hey! Stop it!
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I mean, that's it, you know, you are all alone in the world and...
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 15 (S01E15) - 50
Yeah, and it doesn't matter who drives, you know. We will both come.
Aired 16 years ago - Feb 02, 2004

Stan, Charlie's accountant, tries to explain Charlie's financial woes to him.

Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 14 (S01E14) - 1
Charlie, why haven't you been paying your bills?
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Here we are.
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Just don't rip the tape, they check.
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And they tell me the bills haven't been paid in four months.
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What? How did I run out of money?
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This little hole
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with a healthy reserve for emergencies.
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But when the cash flow starts to slow down,
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What I don't understand is why you didn't warn him this was happening.
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I thought you were the smart one.
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This has been a blast. Don't get me wrong,
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It was great meeting you, sport. Ciao.
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First thing is, we stop paying your accountant.
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Garden? You mean the two potted palms on the deck?
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That's really cool. I get every sporting event in the world.
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Okay, we can cut back to basic cable.
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I got a great deal 'cause she didn't want to carry it on the bus.
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That. That's women and gambling.
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The way I see it, you're either gonna have to slash expenses,
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 14 (S01E14) - 24
What would you think about going to Mom for a short-term loan?
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but all my money's going to my former wife, my former house,
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Whatever. I'll cut back, like you said.
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cheese?
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Okay. Seek and ye shall find.
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You can't quit poverty, Charlie.
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I want my life back.
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Who's the favorite?
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Anybody want a snack?
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I threw in some of those garlic puffs you like.
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- What are you planning on tipping him? - I don't know.
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- Here. - No, keep it.
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but, of course, you couldn't tell 'cause none of their faces were moving.
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You're gay? You're on drugs?
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I suppose. A screwdriver might be nice.
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You'll just suck it up, pay her back in a couple of months and that'll be that.
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- Don't ask her. - I won't.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 14 (S01E14) - 45
and I probably should have been paying closer attention to my expenses.
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No more need be said.
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- Charlie, what are you... - No.
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Aired 16 years ago - Jan 13, 2004

Charlie finally gets a chance for a double date with a hot neighbor, who is out for revenge on her cheating husband, and her sister who's a hot soap opera actress, and needs Alan to come along. The problem is that Alan gets sick from Jake, so Charlie takes them to a steam room to help Alan get rid of his flu symptoms. This backfires, as Charlie also gets sick, but he has no intentions of canceling the date. MORE -LESS

Aired 16 years ago - Jan 05, 2004

When Berta is forced to bring her granddaughter Prudence to work with her, the boys find themselves a little preoccupied with her.

Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 12 (S01E12) - 1
because I can't leave her alone in the house.
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I hope they're quiet 'cause I got a lot of work to do.
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-Mom lets me smoke. -Well, why didn't you say so?
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You can start with his toilet.
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-A Volvo station wagon. -What do you got?
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Yeah, I gotta catch up on some paperwork that
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 12 (S01E12) - 9
Your chiropractor job.
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Yeah.
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-I'm gonna go over to the piano now. -Yeah, and I'm gonna go to the
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I used to go out with a bass player. He wrote this beautiful song for me,
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Do you think you could teach me something?
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Prudence, he's old enough to be your father.
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Don't talk like that about your grandmother.
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I've seen her pick up the stove to vacuum under it.
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Rose, this is Berta's 16-year-old granddaughter, Prudence.
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-Wow, look at that kiss! -What?
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she'll be the first one in the family.
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the Goofy Juice has vitamin C and calcium.
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You know, Prudence, I'm the third fastest runner in my class.
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I'll be back in a little while.
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-Well, that was the... -And what are pherobones?
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Wow, you're really good at that.
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-You want another Goofy Juice? -Aren't you the sweetest.
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Remember when you used to say that about us?
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Just calling them as I see them.
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But I do want you to know that
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-Can you put some of this on my back? -No.
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-I'll take care of this right now. Bye. -Charlie, I want to see Jake.
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You know Berta, Uncle Charlie's housekeeper...
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Well, it turns out this little rascal was pulling a fast one on us.
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Yep. That's what's going on here.
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Should be, you did it twice.
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Prudence, what the hell are you doing here?
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Put down the toothbrush, Alan, we've got bigger problems than gingivitis.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 12 (S01E12) - 48
What's going on here?
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 12 (S01E12) - 49
-Oh, Prudence, that's a terrible idea. -Yeah.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 12 (S01E12) - 50
-Charlie, we can't let them go. -Why not?
Aired 16 years ago - Dec 15, 2003

While at the movies, the brothers bump into Judith and her new boyfriend. Seeing that Judith has changed her look, and the fact that Jake doesn't think Alan is as cool as Judith; prompts Alan to realize that if he wants to get back into the dating scene, he's going to have to change his look as well.

Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 11 (S01E11) - 1
Alan, it's no big deal.
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She is not coming back to you, pal.
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I don't know, by saying things like, "Sure you can. I'll help you."
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I'm saying maybe it's time to stop feeling sorry for yourself.
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A bit of a bumper sticker, but sure, why not?
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You know what? I'm gonna start right now.
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Yep. The hair, the clothes, the fuddy-duddy personality.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 11 (S01E11) - 11
That was the Esperanto Club look.
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-ls that so? -Yeah, it's weird, 'cause I suck.
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-But she's still the same person, Jake. -No, not really.
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For God's sake, Charlie!
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we judge a person by what's inside them, not by what they wear.
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I'll put on my stupid jacket, we'll get in the stupid car,
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-I was up all night thinking about it. -All night?
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And I think I should start dressing in such a way as to play that card.
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-Hi, Mom. -Good, you remember me.
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Whenever I would like to spend some quality time with my grandson
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Payback's a bitch, buddy.
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Because this is the top floor. There's no more clothes above this floor.
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-How about this? -No.
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-I thought you were gonna help me? -Pick something.
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This is something I could see myself wearing.
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Please, if she has one more facelift, she'll be wearing her ass as a hat.
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No, I'm just spending a little quality time with my grandson.
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Jake, how old are you?
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Jake, tell my friend, Cheryl, how much you love Grandmommy.
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I don't know, Alan. Maybe there were too many injuries.
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Now, let's see.
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and he's unbelievably dumb. Squidward lives there, too.
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So, bottom line,
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 11 (S01E11) - 41
-Oh, dear God. -He has a pet snail named Gary, that...
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Could you show us some shoes that will go with this?
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No, I've changed my mind. I don't want new clothes.
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I spend all day schlepping from store to store with you,
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At least your wife had the guts to try something new.
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I just hope he's worth all the drama.
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-Hey, Dad. -Hi, Alan.
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Luckily, I happened to be out on the deck,
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 11 (S01E11) - 49
Yeah, very sexy.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 11 (S01E11) - 50
Aired 16 years ago - Nov 24, 2003

In an attempt to prove that he is a family man, Charlie invites Lisa over for Thanksgiving dinner

Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 10 (S01E10) - 1
To settling down, to having a family,
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But the sex was awesome though, right?
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and you want me to talk you out of it.
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Bo is not a clown.
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Hey, I can commit to long pants. I was just focused on the shirt today.
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-I'm like, Mr. Family Guy. -Yeah, right, "Family Guy."
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until you resolve your issues with your mother.
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You know, communication, self-reflection,
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This from a guy who offered my sister a car
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-Okay, this is going nowhere. -Lisa, wait. I'm sorry.
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-So, you're all alone for Thanksgiving? -Yeah, why?
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We're gonna have a big family dinner right here.
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-Oh, and Lisa might come. -Okay, what's going on?
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I'm touched.
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and she needs to believe I'm capable of changing.
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-What do you think? -Okay, how can I help?
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"forget that your parents are driving all the way from Sacramento
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No way in hell. Are you insane? What's wrong with you?
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Why is everybody so damn literal?
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I'll have someone there to do the cooking, the serving, and the cleaning.
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Pretty, please.
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Like I've been telling you, I've changed.
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And these, of course, are her wonderful parents,
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-Hi, Lisa. So nice to see you again. -Hi, Alan, long time.
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that even though you and our daughter are no longer married,
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This is really Judith's family. Let's go find mine.
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-just like your father did. -Dad's a doctor.
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I want more money.
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than the one who picked out his hideous furniture.
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-Because I'm divorcing him. -Who told you to go and do that?
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I love you, Charlie, but you're not gonna change my mind.
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-You know what I mean. -I know exactly what you mean.
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I really think your daughter deserves a lot of respect.
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Don't worry. Charlie and I had sex once, but now we're just friends.
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I'm thankful for the birdie's feet.
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I'm thankful for my mom and dad, and my Uncle Charlie,
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Okay, well, I'm thankful that I can spend the holiday with
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 10 (S01E10) - 46
you weren't nicer to me.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 10 (S01E10) - 47
who has no compunction about prescribing powerful sedatives.
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as unwitting participants in my desperate charade.
Aired 16 years ago - Nov 17, 2003

After meeting Wendy, a one-night stand of Charlies, Jake befriends her. Charlie doesn't like this situation, as he believes Wendy is using Jake to further their relationship, and he has no intention to keep it going. It gets to the point were Wendy even starts spending time with Evelyn, and Charlie becomes desperate to get rid of Wendy. After Charlie breaks it off Jake becomes very unhappy with him, because he won't be able to see Wendy anymore. This forces Charlie to confront Jake and explain the situation as best as he can. Rose sees that Alan knows how to play scrabble, and asks him to teach her to play, he agrees. During the scrabble games the two bond, and Charlie suspects that she is using Alan to get closer to him, but doesn't pursue the issue. MORE -LESS

Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 9 (S01E09) - 1
Okay, now I get where you're coming from.
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I'm gonna stick with paranoid and nuts, Bob.
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-I guess I should probably get going. -Yeah, I guess.
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she's pretty, and I think she really likes you.
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I did not marry the first girl who slipped me the tongue.
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-Okay. So, I'll give you a call? -Yeah. That'd be great. Okay.
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Are you seeing this?
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I know. White Toyota hasn't budged an inch two nights in a row.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 9 (S01E09) - 9
that comes right up into your bedroom?
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How so?
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Freedom!
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All right, you had sex last night. You don't have to turn into Mr. Bojangles.
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Guess what? Grandma's here!
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That was not my fault. You saw how she kissed me.
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-Good morning, Charlie. -Good morning.
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I'm showing a house in Malibu. I thought I'd swing by
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Gee, Mom, I think Wendy has stuff to do. Right, Wendy?
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 9 (S01E09) - 23
-Thank you. -I'm guessing Dr. Shapiro?
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 9 (S01E09) - 24
Yeah, I gotta get going, too, Jake.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 9 (S01E09) - 25
I can get out.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 9 (S01E09) - 26
I gotta tell you, Charlie, I think she's really...
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 9 (S01E09) - 27
Let's see. Today's Sunday, so... Never.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 9 (S01E09) - 28
And we both can't have me.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 9 (S01E09) - 29
Afraid not.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 9 (S01E09) - 30
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 9 (S01E09) - 31
-lt was just school. -Yeah, I heard that. "Just school."
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 9 (S01E09) - 32
I'm still mad that you peed in my Boy Scout canteen in 1978.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 9 (S01E09) - 33
How would I do that, Charlie? And by the way, was that so hard?
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 9 (S01E09) - 34
Just give him some time. He'll get over it.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 9 (S01E09) - 35
You know what? It is my house.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 9 (S01E09) - 36
I get enough of that crap from my mother.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 9 (S01E09) - 37
and no one cares what I want.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 9 (S01E09) - 38
It's just that you're a kid. And what you want doesn't matter.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 9 (S01E09) - 39
Hat.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 9 (S01E09) - 40
Wow, how did you see that?
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 9 (S01E09) - 41
You played "pie" at your own peril, my friend.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 9 (S01E09) - 42
-What are you doing with Rose? -I'm teaching her to play Scrabble.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 9 (S01E09) - 43
"rampant," 11 points, "egotism," 10,
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 9 (S01E09) - 44
Me and Rose?
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 9 (S01E09) - 45
One Scottish brunette.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 9 (S01E09) - 46
-Sorry. Oh, hi. -Hi.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 9 (S01E09) - 47
Come on, Wendy. We both know that...
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 9 (S01E09) - 48
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 9 (S01E09) - 49
it wasn't gonna work out between you and me.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 9 (S01E09) - 50
I thought you two hit it off.

Alan tricks Charlie into joining him and Judith in leading Jake and his classmates in the school's annual music show.

Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 8 (S01E08) - 1
You set me up. You lured me into that classroom
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 8 (S01E08) - 2
Okay, that I just lied about.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 8 (S01E08) - 3
The rest of them.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 8 (S01E08) - 4
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 8 (S01E08) - 5
Judith and l will produce and direct. Together.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 8 (S01E08) - 6
with your allegedly gay ex-wife?
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 8 (S01E08) - 7
A gay woman would not fake orgasms for 12 years just to protect my feelings.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 8 (S01E08) - 8
Hey, slow down.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 8 (S01E08) - 9
All this energy for me and you
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 8 (S01E08) - 10
It's not. Fire me, please.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 8 (S01E08) - 11
Wear your flip-flops in the co-ed bathrooms
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 8 (S01E08) - 12
See? Maybe the easiest way to do this is for us to write the actual song.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 8 (S01E08) - 13
-Like the old days. -Yeah. Except this time I'm not a virgin.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 8 (S01E08) - 14
Suck?
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 8 (S01E08) - 15
Except if my Dad moves back to Mom's house,
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 8 (S01E08) - 16
Gin.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 8 (S01E08) - 17
Robert Fulton, Eli Whitney
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 8 (S01E08) - 18
Careful what you wish for, pal.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 8 (S01E08) - 19
But we've got a rehearsal at Jake's school.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 8 (S01E08) - 20
I'm not gonna face all those pre-pubers without a snootful.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 8 (S01E08) - 21
Really? Good news?
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 8 (S01E08) - 22
Anger, grief, denial.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 8 (S01E08) - 23
But I wouldn't recommend that for an amateur.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 8 (S01E08) - 24
A woman who would do such a thing cannot be trusted.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 8 (S01E08) - 25
How could I possibly make it any worse?
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 8 (S01E08) - 26
Start splitting them up early. That's your answer for everything, isn't it?
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 8 (S01E08) - 27
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Stand up.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 8 (S01E08) - 30
We've been getting along because I don't feel trapped,
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 8 (S01E08) - 31
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Lerner and Lowe are out in the hallway working things out.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 8 (S01E08) - 34
-They're fighting again, aren't they? -Yeah, what can I tell you.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 8 (S01E08) - 35
Okay, it's been fun.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 8 (S01E08) - 36
But you know what? You know what? I'm through.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 8 (S01E08) - 37
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 8 (S01E08) - 38
You're not our teacher. Why should we listen to you?
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 8 (S01E08) - 39
Now, listen, rehearsal's over. You can all go home.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 8 (S01E08) - 40
He's almost famous. He wrote the Maple Loops song.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 8 (S01E08) - 41
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It's the sweetest breakfast treat It's maple-licious
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 8 (S01E08) - 43
From the magic chocolate mountain
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 8 (S01E08) - 44
What do you know. Maybe I don't hate kids.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 8 (S01E08) - 45
I'm sorry I didn't give you a heads up about the divorce papers.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 8 (S01E08) - 46
Stick, pump or can
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 8 (S01E08) - 47
Yeah, we'll take it from here, okay?
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 8 (S01E08) - 48
These are my people.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 8 (S01E08) - 49
Plumber in a Jar. Let's really sell it this time.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 8 (S01E08) - 50

Judith gets worried when, for a school assignment, Jake draws the tattooed buttocks of a female surfer friend of Charlie's who is in the habit of walking around his place half naked. Then Alan gets worried about Judith after she becomes friends with the surfer girl.

Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 7 (S01E07) - 1
Rose, you've got to get a hobby.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 7 (S01E07) - 2
To make my friend a grilled cheese sandwich.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 7 (S01E07) - 3
Hey, Judith. Alan's at work.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 7 (S01E07) - 4
One child drew a record player, another drew a parrot.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 7 (S01E07) - 5
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I'm guessing.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 7 (S01E07) - 8
It's hard enough going through this transition all by myself.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 7 (S01E07) - 9
I mean, I've always been the good daughter or the good wife.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 7 (S01E07) - 10
You know what?
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 7 (S01E07) - 11
Hey.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 7 (S01E07) - 12
Don't fill up. Your mom's taking us out for lunch.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 7 (S01E07) - 13
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What's to talk about? He's a boy. He saw a woman's ass. He liked it.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 7 (S01E07) - 15
No, it's spelled Cankun.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 7 (S01E07) - 16
I have my moments, but they're becoming further apart.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 7 (S01E07) - 17
but it's important that you know what they mean.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 7 (S01E07) - 18
Excuse me, but I met that one, and she was perfect.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 7 (S01E07) - 19
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These women worked very hard, ate very little,
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 7 (S01E07) - 21
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See, that's the lesson here. Do you get what I'm saying?
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 7 (S01E07) - 23
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Yeah, I'm so glad you called. I just... What?
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 7 (S01E07) - 25
What do you understand?
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 7 (S01E07) - 26
She feels like this is crossing a boundary
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 7 (S01E07) - 27
I understand.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 7 (S01E07) - 28
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Why don't you open up another bottle of wine
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 7 (S01E07) - 30
He thinks it's my fault that Alan and I are breaking up,
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 7 (S01E07) - 31
No, we were just hanging out. I'm Cindy.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 7 (S01E07) - 32
I met him. He's pretty tightly wound.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 7 (S01E07) - 33
I do not understand.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 7 (S01E07) - 34
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 7 (S01E07) - 35
I brought a Frisbee for your son. It's a Glow-in-the-Dark Pro model.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 7 (S01E07) - 36
-Evelyn? -Your mom.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 7 (S01E07) - 37
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 7 (S01E07) - 38
Come on. I'll show you some exercises before we hit the shower.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 7 (S01E07) - 39
Your girlfriend and my wife. Surfing. Showering. Rubber suits.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 7 (S01E07) - 40
Charlie, what are you gonna do?
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 7 (S01E07) - 41
God knows what's going on under my roof.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 7 (S01E07) - 42
Your wife has taken up surfing.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 7 (S01E07) - 43
So what do we know for sure about Cindy and Judith?
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 7 (S01E07) - 44
And I got to see penguins and a manta ray.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 7 (S01E07) - 45
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 7 (S01E07) - 46
Yeah. When I got home, I went to the movies with Mom and Cindy.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 7 (S01E07) - 47
She's not gonna be happy until the whole damn family surfs.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 7 (S01E07) - 48
She gets all bent out of shape when Cindy
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 7 (S01E07) - 49
is a big part of what drove Judith away in the first place.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 7 (S01E07) - 50
Listen, if she really is gay, then there's nothing you can do about it.

Charlie tries to teach Jake to avoid certain calls that Charlie doesn't want to deal with, like his mother (Evelyn) for one. Evelyn gets so frustrated with not being able to talk to Charlie, that she decides to drop in while in the neighborhood. She invites them to dinner, to meet her new boyfriend (Tommy). When the brothers get over to their mothers house, Charlie is shocked to realize that Tommy's daughter is Olivia, one of the people he has been avoiding. Olivia tries to confront Charlie about their situation, but doesn't get the answer she wants, and throws a drink in his face, then storms off. After a week of not being able to contact their mother, Alan gets worried about her. So the brothers decide to go to her house and see if she's okay. They find her sitting in the dark and drinking, and she informs them that Tommy dumped her for a younger women. Later the brothers get Jake to try and cheer her up. MORE -LESS

Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 6 (S01E06) - 1
Okay. I tell women upfront I'm not looking for a long-term relationship.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 6 (S01E06) - 2
-Just tell them I'm not here. -He's not here, Grandma!
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 6 (S01E06) - 3
I don't believe you, sweetheart. But at least you care enough to lie.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 6 (S01E06) - 4
-What kind of gift is that? -You told me he likes transformer toys.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 6 (S01E06) - 5
Your grandma loves you so much.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 6 (S01E06) - 6
-Five time's the charm. -Four.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 6 (S01E06) - 7
What night is good for you?
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 6 (S01E06) - 8
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 6 (S01E06) - 9
-Of course I know. -But maybe one of us should go.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 6 (S01E06) - 10
-Hi, Mom. -Better late than never.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 6 (S01E06) - 11
"Don't call me Grandma."
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 6 (S01E06) - 12
Look, you didn't bring wine. Good. Too many people bring wine.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 6 (S01E06) - 13
-And this is Jake. -Yes, I am, Evelyn.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 6 (S01E06) - 14
Do you two know each other?
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 6 (S01E06) - 15
It wasn't medically necessary. She just had a function to go to.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 6 (S01E06) - 16
and when she found out it wasn't, she got a little upset.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 6 (S01E06) - 17
This man is very important to me. We are going to have a nice dinner.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 6 (S01E06) - 18
She is the warmest, most affectionate, giving woman I have ever known.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 6 (S01E06) - 19
Tommy, you are not telling that story.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 6 (S01E06) - 20
Excuse me.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 6 (S01E06) - 21
When people don't return your calls, it's kind of hard to know how they have been.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 6 (S01E06) - 22
when this hausfrau from Tone-Deaf, Texas, gets up and starts singing my song.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 6 (S01E06) - 23
Who wants to have this conversation?
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 6 (S01E06) - 24
-You said I was very special to you. -You were.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 6 (S01E06) - 25
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 6 (S01E06) - 26
Finish the story, Evelyn. Did you push her back?
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 6 (S01E06) - 27
Our best hitter, Billy Kresky's up.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 6 (S01E06) - 28
Charlie, I think we have got a bigger problem.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 6 (S01E06) - 29
She's probably just sulking because l screwed up her dinner party last week.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 6 (S01E06) - 30
No, I got to be honest, I like my idea better.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 6 (S01E06) - 31
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 6 (S01E06) - 32
Okay, she's not here. Let's go.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 6 (S01E06) - 33
I didn't want to burden anyone with my grief over the late Tommy Pearson.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 6 (S01E06) - 34
The thing between me and his daughter happened years before you met the guy.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 6 (S01E06) - 35
Yeah. I'm sorry, too.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 6 (S01E06) - 36
Charlie, wait! We can't just leave her here.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 6 (S01E06) - 37
Appreciate it. All right then, chin up.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 6 (S01E06) - 38
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 6 (S01E06) - 39
-Jake! -Yeah.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 6 (S01E06) - 40
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 6 (S01E06) - 41
Uncle Charlie got me a metal detector and sometimes I find cool stuff on the beach.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 6 (S01E06) - 42
-Yeah, but finders, keepers, right? -And losers, weepers.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 6 (S01E06) - 43
Somebody needs to go out there and back him up.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 6 (S01E06) - 44
The kid's got a bladder the size of a pea.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 6 (S01E06) - 45
You know what Jake would really get a kick out of?
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 6 (S01E06) - 46
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 6 (S01E06) - 47
Pick it up, Charlie. We are walking, not crawling.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 6 (S01E06) - 48
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Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 6 (S01E06) - 50

After spending a night in Las Vegas, Charlie decides to live up to his promise that he made to Jake about attending his soccer game. During the game, Charlie sets up a play-date with an unattached mother named Kate, and they hit it off. During one of their dates, Charlie seems like he's ready for a serious relation. Alan sets up a meeting with Gloria (one of the soccer moms) to write a soccer newsletter, but Gloria has other intentions for the evening, and he has no idea. During the evening another soccer mom, Brooke, tries to move in on Gloria's plans. MORE -LESS

Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 5 (S01E05) - 1
We don't keep score. We think it's healthier if the kids just play for fun.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 5 (S01E05) - 2
So tell us, is it true?
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 5 (S01E05) - 3
I have to go because, hell, I don't need a reason.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 5 (S01E05) - 4
Jake's fine. He's 10. He's got his whole life ahead of him.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 5 (S01E05) - 5
What?
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 5 (S01E05) - 6
And I found his phone number in my pocket.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 5 (S01E05) - 7
What's your take on this whole no-keeping-score thing?
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 5 (S01E05) - 8
Number nine. But I'm not the father.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 5 (S01E05) - 9
Yeah. Except for us. 12-2.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 5 (S01E05) - 10
Charlie, we are trying to teach the kids not to keep score.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 5 (S01E05) - 11
I made a play date for him with one of the kids from the game.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 5 (S01E05) - 12
-Everybody wins? -Yes.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 5 (S01E05) - 13
No going in the water, no throwing rocks, and remember,
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 5 (S01E05) - 14
Anything for the kids. They're our future.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 5 (S01E05) - 15
I'm sorry, where was l?
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 5 (S01E05) - 16
Been there.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 5 (S01E05) - 17
Jake, you should probably put your dead thing down, too.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 5 (S01E05) - 18
-Thank you. -No problem.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 5 (S01E05) - 19
Are you happy? I told you to put it down, Ernie.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 5 (S01E05) - 20
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 5 (S01E05) - 21
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 5 (S01E05) - 22
So anything you do will get back to my wife,
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 5 (S01E05) - 23
I'm thinking of calling it "Just For Kicks."
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 5 (S01E05) - 24
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 5 (S01E05) - 25
Anything for the kids.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 5 (S01E05) - 26
A successful chiropractor, intelligent, dedicated.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 5 (S01E05) - 27
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 5 (S01E05) - 28
We know each other.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 5 (S01E05) - 29
It's really important for a woman your age.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 5 (S01E05) - 30
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 5 (S01E05) - 31
You showed up late so you could snoop on me.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 5 (S01E05) - 32
Kate, I'm trying. Ernie, would you put your shoes on?
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 5 (S01E05) - 33
-Bill. -Charlie.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 5 (S01E05) - 34
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 5 (S01E05) - 35
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by my sexual...
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 5 (S01E05) - 37
I'm sorry. Yes, six inches.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 5 (S01E05) - 38
goldenrod, salmon, mustard...
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 5 (S01E05) - 39
My brother, Alan, warned me not to go out with you tonight.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 5 (S01E05) - 40
Charlie, I have a confession.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 5 (S01E05) - 41
All right, well, nowadays, women pay for dinner.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 5 (S01E05) - 42
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 5 (S01E05) - 43
Alan, would you mind driving me home?
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 5 (S01E05) - 44
We'll be right back.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 5 (S01E05) - 45
Please. I told you two years ago that marriage was toast.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 5 (S01E05) - 46
He still thinks we're doing a soccer newsletter.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 5 (S01E05) - 47
You wouldn't know what to do with a hot guy.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 5 (S01E05) - 48
The biggest surprise was how much I loved having him around.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 5 (S01E05) - 49
Yes.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 5 (S01E05) - 50
Of course, you probably know that already.

Charlie is very unhappy with his housekeepers' decision to quit, after she experiences Alan's demanding ways. Alan then offers to take on the role of housekeeper, but this situation doesn't work at all. So Alan decides to get the housekeeper to come back. Before Alan leaves, he puts Charlie in charge of getting Jake ready for a dinner with his mother and grandparents. Charlie also tries to get Rose to move on, and date other men. He finds both situations to be bigger challenges then he first thought. MORE -LESS

Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 4 (S01E04) - 1
Okay, so before you got up, Berta started the coffee and got you your paper?
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 4 (S01E04) - 2
Want a glass of peanut butter?
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 4 (S01E04) - 3
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 4 (S01E04) - 4
I'm sorry. I'll try to be more transparent.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 4 (S01E04) - 5
Not you. That girl that's been stalking me.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 4 (S01E04) - 6
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 4 (S01E04) - 7
So, maybe you should find someone who can give you the attention you want.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 4 (S01E04) - 8
can take it.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 4 (S01E04) - 9
That seems kind of forward, don't you think?
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 4 (S01E04) - 10
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Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 4 (S01E04) - 12
Gee, I'm sorry, Charlie. But they don't make chocolate Pledge.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 4 (S01E04) - 13
That's not going to help me now, is it?
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 4 (S01E04) - 14
If I can't write my chocolate song, I'm going to take a nap.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 4 (S01E04) - 15
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Don't blame me. I tried to make it work.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 4 (S01E04) - 19
But since you obviously can't live without her,
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 4 (S01E04) - 20
Your entire life depends on this woman and you know nothing about her.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 4 (S01E04) - 21
Steven Tyler from Aerosmith. 4456 Malibu Canyon Road.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 4 (S01E04) - 22
I'm trying desperately to reconcile with my wife,
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 4 (S01E04) - 23
-Hi. -Hello.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 4 (S01E04) - 24
I asked Andy out, and he said yes.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 4 (S01E04) - 25
To roll around naked on your bed.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 4 (S01E04) - 26
-What the hell happened to you? -You know what else is complicated?
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 4 (S01E04) - 27
Kid, I'm a piano player. What do you think?
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 4 (S01E04) - 28
But my bike's still broken. I think you made it worse.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 4 (S01E04) - 29
Me, too strong? What do you mean?
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 4 (S01E04) - 30
So, I'm going to put on something a little less...
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 4 (S01E04) - 31
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 4 (S01E04) - 32
Okay. Thank you. Bye-bye.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 4 (S01E04) - 33
My marriage is collapsing, my business is slow.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 4 (S01E04) - 34
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 4 (S01E04) - 35
Washing my bike chain. It's real dirty.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 4 (S01E04) - 36
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Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 4 (S01E04) - 38
She's really a delight.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 4 (S01E04) - 39
Sure. But when I do it, you just ignore me.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 4 (S01E04) - 40
You didn't tell him to rinse.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 4 (S01E04) - 41
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-What? -I'm a chiropractor.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 4 (S01E04) - 43
I'm not in the mood, Jake.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 4 (S01E04) - 44
Jake, dude, I'm right on the edge.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 4 (S01E04) - 45
What? No. Sure you can.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 4 (S01E04) - 46
-Now go out and have a great time. -But...
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 4 (S01E04) - 47
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God, that feels so good.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 4 (S01E04) - 50
I'm a big fan.

After spending a day at Disneyland, Jake gets sick and wants to go to his mothers' house, to have her take care of him. This sends Alan into a state of misery, as he realizes he's losing his wife, and son. Charlie suggests that they go drinking, and Alan agrees. After drinking the boys take a cab home, but at one point they end up at their mothers, where they try to tell her what they think of her, but fail in getting the point across. MORE -LESS

Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 3 (S01E03) - 1
I'll go!
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 3 (S01E03) - 2
I don't know why she brought it, I don't know why she's taking it.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 3 (S01E03) - 3
Okay.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 3 (S01E03) - 4
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 3 (S01E03) - 5
Morning, Porky.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 3 (S01E03) - 6
Rule number one...
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 3 (S01E03) - 7
The point is, if you consult with all
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 3 (S01E03) - 8
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 3 (S01E03) - 9
It's all I can do to not imagine you lying dead in a ditch somewhere.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 3 (S01E03) - 10
Because when your brother's marriage ended,
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 3 (S01E03) - 11
It's now an obstacle to my spending quality time with my beloved grandchild.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 3 (S01E03) - 12
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Who's a good dog? Oh, yeah!
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 3 (S01E03) - 15
Happiest place on earth, my snow white ass.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 3 (S01E03) - 16
threw up on me in the Teacup?
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 3 (S01E03) - 17
Hey, sleepy head. You're just in time. Your pancakes are almost ready.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 3 (S01E03) - 18
Let me feel. Yeah, you're a little warm.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 3 (S01E03) - 19
You are home.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 3 (S01E03) - 20
I may not be the one to ask.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 3 (S01E03) - 21
Just checking. Because I was gonna fake it.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 3 (S01E03) - 22
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sandwiches, and Judith suggested I take mine to go.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 3 (S01E03) - 24
No, gosh, I forgot to bring Porky back.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 3 (S01E03) - 25
Oh, God.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 3 (S01E03) - 26
He goes through them faster than shoes.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 3 (S01E03) - 27
I'm sorry. It's the only thing I know to say when someone cries around here.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 3 (S01E03) - 28
You do know the pig can't hear you, right?
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 3 (S01E03) - 29
I don't know. Why don't we toss Porky in the ocean and go get bombed?
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 3 (S01E03) - 30
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What's happening?
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 3 (S01E03) - 32
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You know, my kid is sick, and I can't even be with him.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 3 (S01E03) - 34
Although, I wouldn't brag about it.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 3 (S01E03) - 35
Alan, people are gonna do whatever they're gonna do in this world.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 3 (S01E03) - 36
I don't remember where we left our car.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 3 (S01E03) - 37
going home for as to reclaim my home.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 3 (S01E03) - 38
No. I am going home to my wife
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 3 (S01E03) - 39
1 167, Bonnie Meadow Drive.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 3 (S01E03) - 40
No. Let's give it a second.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 3 (S01E03) - 41
They do. My nephew eats them.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 3 (S01E03) - 42
You get that I'm loaded, right?
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 3 (S01E03) - 43
She chased me out of the house with a golf club.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 3 (S01E03) - 44
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You'd go to Dad for marriage counseling?
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 3 (S01E03) - 46
Your mother sounds like a real piece of work.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 3 (S01E03) - 47
That's right! And she made him so scared of intimacy
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 3 (S01E03) - 48
is resolved, most men are doomed to repeat dysfunctional childhood patterns.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 3 (S01E03) - 49
Let's confront her. You with me? Come on!
Aired 17 years ago - Sep 29, 2003

While spending time with Jake, Charlie finds it hard to enforce rules that Alan has set out for him. It gets to the point were Jake lures a flock of sea gulls into his room, and Charlie gets very upset. This prompts Jake to try and get Charlie to forgive him. Alan starts doing chores for Judith, in the hopes of them getting back together. During one of the tasks, Judith kisses Alan, leading him to believe that things will get back to the way they once were. MORE -LESS

Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 2 (S01E02) - 1
Laundry? Are you barking mad?
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 2 (S01E02) - 2
This sock is soaking wet.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 2 (S01E02) - 3
All right. I put Jake to bed, I folded the laundry,
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 2 (S01E02) - 4
Alan, your wife threw you out.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 2 (S01E02) - 5
It's good. It leaves the door open for, you know, reconciliation.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 2 (S01E02) - 6
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 2 (S01E02) - 7
And you're not supposed to be watching TV.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 2 (S01E02) - 8
-Go to bed, Jake. -Okay.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 2 (S01E02) - 9
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 2 (S01E02) - 10
Hey, I'm watching that.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 2 (S01E02) - 11
He obviously knows me better than you do.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 2 (S01E02) - 12
I mean it. Give me the remote and go to your room.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 2 (S01E02) - 13
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 2 (S01E02) - 14
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 2 (S01E02) - 15
Yeah, right.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 2 (S01E02) - 16
And another thing. Were you on the deck feeding the seagulls again?
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 2 (S01E02) - 17
because we get all kinds of bugs and crap flying in the house.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 2 (S01E02) - 18
-Was he watching TV? -No.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 2 (S01E02) - 19
The grocery store.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 2 (S01E02) - 20
-Alan. -I have to.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 2 (S01E02) - 21
Great. I'll see you later.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 2 (S01E02) - 22
You know nothing about commitment and responsibility to a relationship.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 2 (S01E02) - 23
Because if you did, I have two words for you.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 2 (S01E02) - 24
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 2 (S01E02) - 25
-Sure. -Thank you.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 2 (S01E02) - 26
I know when I'm being used, Judith, and not in a fun way.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 2 (S01E02) - 27
I hope you find whatever it is you're looking for.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 2 (S01E02) - 28
-What you got there? -Just a little bread.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 2 (S01E02) - 29
You have to put $1 in the swear jar, you said "bastards."
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 2 (S01E02) - 30
I don't want to talk to you right now.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 2 (S01E02) - 31
I told you, don't feed the damn things. I told you, don't leave the windows open.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 2 (S01E02) - 32
No, Phyllis, I wanted to talk to somebody about seagulls.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 2 (S01E02) - 33
Look, I need somebody who can come over with a net or something.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 2 (S01E02) - 34
Hi, Phyllis.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 2 (S01E02) - 35
Neither will you.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 2 (S01E02) - 36
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 2 (S01E02) - 37
You know what? Jake and I may be out of here sooner than you think.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 2 (S01E02) - 38
This wasn't the kiss of a woman who just wanted her garbage disposal unclogged.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 2 (S01E02) - 39
Hey, Uncle Charlie, you want to play some sock golf?
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 2 (S01E02) - 40
screaming, crapping birds in his house.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 2 (S01E02) - 41
You just have to give them a little time and a little space.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 2 (S01E02) - 42
I went down to the bait shop and asked them what seagulls like to eat.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 2 (S01E02) - 43
Hey, Uncle Charlie, I made this for you.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 2 (S01E02) - 44
-Can I help? -Nope.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 2 (S01E02) - 45
Fine. I forgive him.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 2 (S01E02) - 46
We go in there and start throwing this stuff out the windows.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 2 (S01E02) - 47
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 2 (S01E02) - 48
I'm gonna get a drywall guy in there and seal off that room.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 2 (S01E02) - 49
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 2 (S01E02) - 50
You already took away all the good stuff.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 2 (S01E02) - 51
Aired 17 years ago - Sep 22, 2003

Charlie's life turns upside down when his brother and nephew move in; at the supermarket, Charlie discovers he can use 10-year-old Jake to attract women.