Status
Ended
Network
CBS
SEASON
EPISODE

Season 7

Aired 10 years ago - May 24, 2010

Charlie is miffed over Alan's planned attendance of Chelsea's birthday party and suffers the indignity of having Jake chauffer him around following a license suspension.

Aired 10 years ago - May 17, 2010

Charlie is visited by the ghosts of his ex-girlfriends while Alan and Jake are on a road trip.

Aired 10 years ago - May 10, 2010

Alan tries for an intimate night at a hotel with his new girlfriend, while Charlie takes a different approach to obtain the "girlfriend experience"

Aired 10 years ago - Apr 12, 2010

Alan is torn between the bad influence of Jake's new friend and the hotness of his mother.

Aired 10 years ago - Mar 22, 2010

Charlie has a return engagement with Chelsea's best friend, while Alan has an unexpected effect on a new female patient.

Aired 10 years ago - Mar 08, 2010

Charlie and Chelsea have a post-breakup one-night stand.

Aired 10 years ago - Mar 01, 2010

Charlie runs off to Vegas and returns with a new wife, but she's not Chelsea.

Aired 10 years ago - Feb 08, 2010

Chelsea and Charlie's relationship is at risk when Charlie's jealousy comes between them.

Aired 10 years ago - Feb 01, 2010

Charlie suspects Chelsea likes the lawyer representing Alan after his arrest for a bar fight.

Aired 10 years ago - Jan 18, 2010

Charlie opts to have a colonoscopy in order to avoid going on a trip with Chelsea to see her parents. However, when he returns home, he finds her parents at his house.

Aired 10 years ago - Jan 11, 2010

Jake hopes to win back Celeste by writing her love songs. Alan and Herb hope to keep Judith from finding out they've become friends.

Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 7 Episode 12 (S07E12) - 1
until I have a sense of where things are going.
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I mean, is it so much to ask to make a connection with another human being?
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What's taking you so long?
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So what happened? First of all, she wasn't so much perky as porky.
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It's really a victimless crime, don't you think?
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Heard any good jokes lately?
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Hold on, hold on, it's that baby that trades stocks.
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that maybe, you know, after the game...
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The kid's a stone-cold bummer, Alan.
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So we've got something in common.
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At the food court? I love that place.
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Fart jokes, pie and Celeste.
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Trust me, you have not had dog love yet.
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who catches you in a motel room and beats you near to death
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Hey, hey, hey, nobody likes a smartass.
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Shh... kabob.
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Oh, boy.
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Shh, shh, shh.
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Can we talk about this when I get home?
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you know, with the economy and everything,
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♪ With you I was blessed, but I failed the test ♪
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♪ Out of my chest ♪
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I want to apologize for sending you down a bad road
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Ooh, pulling out the big guns.
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Uh, no, no.
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Listen, if you really want to get Celeste back, you man up,
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Do I really say "blah, blah, blah"?
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I'd like that.
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Well, you can tell her the truth.
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♪ Oh, Celeste, I am congested ♪
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You sang that song, didn't you?
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Then I said if she never wants to see me again, I'd understand.
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Okay, well...
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No, you're not.
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in my day, and this is not unnatural.
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Hi.
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What do you think?
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and less cereals that help you poop.
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but I'm kind of on a Froot Loops kick now. Terrific.
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I've been with a lot of women,
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Yeah, that's what my mom says.
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(hushed): Herb!
Aired 10 years ago - Dec 15, 2009

Jake is taught the art of infidelity by Charlie, whose girlfriend is away for Christmas.

Aired 10 years ago - Dec 07, 2009

Charlie discovers that Chelsea has not been completely honest about her finances.

Aired 10 years ago - Nov 23, 2009

Charlie discovers he has not been satisfying Chelsea; Alan attempts to cure his thinning hair without spending much money.

Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 7 Episode 9 (S07E09) - 1
Plus, I won't snap at her if she reaches for one of my fries.
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And what about this? Where's this gonna be tonight?
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Not good enough. With underwear, there's no gray area.
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If he can score just once before I die, my life will have been worthwhile.
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- Really. - Yeah.
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All right. I need you out of the house so I can be alone with Chelsea.
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"Captain Terry's Spray-On Hair.
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...designed for the active man on the go.
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It's guaranteed not to smear, drip or ignite under normal circumstances.
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It's from Eastern Europe. They don't have to worry about pesky FDA regulations.
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- Don't pout. - I'm not pouting.
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Because I think mine was pretty obvious.
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...to have found the man I want to spend the rest of my life with.
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No, it did not. Once my hair started dripping on her chicken Marsala...
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If the date was so bad, why are you home so late?
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- What the hell is he doing? - Trying to sneak in 2 hours after curfew.
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- I'll remember. - I'll act surprised.
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Before you know it, you find yourself daydreaming...
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So that's it? That's all I have to look forward to?
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Orgasms is one of the few things I bring to the table in this relationship.
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Man, I hope I can hold onto this buzz until the Sparkletts guy gets here.
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Well, believe it or not, I wanted to ask your advice about women.
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Uh-huh.
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My question is, how do you live with yourself?
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This is what happened with you and Judith?
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Your problem is your male ego is tied to your partner's sexual pleasure.
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Charlie, our people have spent thousands of years...
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Perhaps, but the Talmud teaches us that the true worth of a man...
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Oh! I gotta go.
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You do realize that at a certain point we'll have to go to bed.
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We'll go to bed when someone's up 100 bucks.
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- Why? - I don't know.
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Aired 10 years ago - Nov 16, 2009

While overcoming a bad break-up, Chelsea invites her beautiful college roommate to stay at the house.

Aired 10 years ago - Nov 09, 2009

Alan and Charlie are shocked when they wake up next to a strange woman, and try to find out what happened.

Aired 10 years ago - Nov 02, 2009

Alan's advice to Chelsea that she get breast-reduction surgery is not met with enthusiasm by Charlie, who kicks him out, but staying with Evelyn has its own challenges.

Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 7 Episode 6 (S07E06) - 1
I'll tell you what helps pain. Pain pills.
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- Charlie. - Kidding. Kidding.
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I'm sure if you knew that the weight of my penis was causing me back problems,
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I love you too. I'm gonna go get ready for work.
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Are you out of your freakin' mind?
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Funny. Please, Charlie, I make my living with my hands.
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Now, please stop now. I am duly chastised.
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What do you want me to do? I can't afford to stay in a hotel.
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Hold on.
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Tips and incidentals.
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This one's... apple cinnamon.
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You know, I appreciate this, but I don't think it's going to solve my back problems.
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God, I love that we can talk these things out.
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I'm hoping you'll come with me for support.
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One of these days I'm gonna need you to love me for who I am, despite my old man balls.
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I see.
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All right. You know where the guest room is.
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Night, Mom.
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You have truly given unto me with both hands.
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I don't know why you couldn't have thrown in a sturdy spine so she could tote those things around,
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return her to the path of righteousness and bodaciousness.
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Nothing. I-I just suggested that Chelsea's back pain might benefit from breast reduction surgery.
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Well, anyway, Charlie and I have decided to take a little break from each other,
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Hey, you know, I-I think things are starting to look up.
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So, we'd make an incision here...
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Oh, not the nipples.
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Don't worry. They'll still be perfect when I'm done,
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I have an honorary lifetime membership at the Pussycat Palace.
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I, uh, I made you a cup of tea.
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Oh, don't worry about it. There are no termites. The mold killed them.
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Listen, I was thinking when we're finished with this,
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I can't have my mom buying me shirts, slacks, boxer briefs and possibly dress shoes.
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You've never been arrested, have you?
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Tomorrow? But... that's so soon.
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Oh, come on, just give me some more time.
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Oh, nonsense. You deserve to be pampered a little bit.
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Well, I'm serious. You'll always be my fella.
Aired 11 years ago - Oct 19, 2009

Jake stops at nothing to get away from Charlie and Alan, after they embarrass him out in public.

Aired 11 years ago - Oct 12, 2009

Alan starts working for Evelyn as Charlie works to fix the relationship between Chelsea and Jake.

Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 7 Episode 4 (S07E04) - 1
What-what,you're gonna walk home?
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All right,all right. All right,you win, you win.
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- You got a minute? - I'm practicing.
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- You have a problem with Chelsea? - No.
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You're hurting Chelsea's feelings and I need you to make an effort to be nicer to her.
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Good for you. Why do people think you're stupid?
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- No,he's an underachiever. - Where have you been?
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Alan,if I didn't have a place of my own,
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No,I'm saying if you can't afford dog food you don't get a dog.
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Now stop kicking me.
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Then what are you selling? It better not be your liver-- I got dibs.
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- Morning,Charlie. - Hey,Mom. How are you?
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Jake,come back in here and say thank you to Chelsea.
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Oh,welcome,welcome. Please sign in. Take a flyer.
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Anyway,if you're not ready to buy, the owners are willing to lease.
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Um,Mom,I have to go to the bathroom.
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So the people who own this live mostly in New York?
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Oh,welcome,welcome. Please sign in.
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Look,look,look,I would love to have this conversation, but I've got to get to work.
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That's it. I'm done trying with that kid.
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because you didn't want to shell out $59 for a hotel room.
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Besides,I might flip it and move up to something a little bigger.
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Uh,actually I was thinking right here in front of the fireplace...
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- I was taking an interest. - You're an idiot.
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FYI,she can kick your ass.
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So... I guess you owe me an apology.
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give my erectile medication a chance to overcome my anti-depressants.
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- Do you have any club soda? - How the hell would I know?
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What does your mother have to do with it?
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- Why? - Just sit.
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You told Jake that he should be nice to me because I was oversensitive?
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Aired 11 years ago - Oct 05, 2009

Alan ends up playing maid to Judith's new baby as well as his former mother-in-law. Meanwhile, Jake uses an incriminating photo to blackmail Charlie.

Aired 11 years ago - Sep 28, 2009

When Chelsea convinces Charlie to let Alan's new girlfriend, Melissa, move in, the girls end up taking over Charlie's house.

Aired 11 years ago - Sep 21, 2009

Charlie must make a difficult decision about his future and with which woman he wants to spend his life: Chelsea or Mia.