Status
Ended
Network
CBS
SEASON
EPISODE

Season 2

Aired 15 years ago - May 23, 2005

Charlie unknowingly sleeps with an older man's trophy wife while Jake has to read a paper to his class.

Aired 15 years ago - May 09, 2005

Evelyn buys Alan a new Sports car causing Charlie to claim that his brother has sold his soul to the Devil. The next day, Evelyn extracts payment by insisting that Alan go on a blind, double date with her, her new beau and his daughter. At the restaurant, Alan learns that his mother and boyfriend will not be able to join them because there was a mixup between his heart medication and Viagra and she didn't want to ""waste it"". As a result, Alan is left to deal with the daughter, who is on a weekend pass from a rehab center and still has some loose screws. Alan eventually gets her back to the beach house only to have her drive off in his new sports car and become the object of a televised high-speed car chase. MORE -LESS

Aired 15 years ago - May 02, 2005

Evelyn reads in the obituaries that her second husband, Harry has died. They all attend the funeral, including Jake who is excited at the opportunity of seeing a ""dead guy"". Charlie is excited by the opportunity of a newly single widow, and Alan is just happy to pay his respects to Harry.

Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 2 Episode 21 (S02E21) - 1
...and held on to that stately six-bedroom, four-bath Colonial...
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Let me get this straight.
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With the chubby daughter who was so grateful?
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Okay, then. The funeral is tomorrow.
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Just because you divorce doesn't mean you no longer have feelings.
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- Fine, you stay here with Uncle Charlie. - Cool.
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You betrayed me by communicating with that son of a bitch after I divorced him?
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Doesn't your soul qualify?
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Okay, Jake. I'm going to pick up your grandmother.
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I thought about it and realized, even if I didn't like the guy...
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- Jake, you're coming with us. - I don't wanna.
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- Jake? - Oh, right.
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You okay, Mom?
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I may have glossed over the details with you boys just a skosh.
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Yes, I've been blessed with both children and grandchildren.
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She doesn't look very unhappy, does she?
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Kiss it on the mouth, if you will.
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...at my Malibu beach house when he lost his wife.
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And when you think about it, Harry isn't really dead either.
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Excuse me a moment.
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Usually drunk and on top of somebody.
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...rambling around all by yourself in that big, drafty, six-bedroom Colonial...
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...because this is a seller's market. - Excuse me.
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Hey, where's Jake?
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- Jake. - How do you know my name?
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Okay, well, let's... Let's take a look.
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- How did he die? - He just got old.
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Okay, there are other people waiting to pay their respects.
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...and maybe some of the stuff between us may have been my fault.
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For everything, there is a season.
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Not now, Jake.
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...I was just a hot young widow with bills to pay...
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It wasn't easy being a substitute father...
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Stand up, Christine. Let everybody have a look at you.
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Oh, I'm sorry. I'm being disrespectful to the grieving widow.
Aired 15 years ago - Mar 21, 2005

After Charlie takes Alan to an eye doctor, they end up at cafe where they bump into Charlie's ex-girlfriend, Sherri. While there Alan shows an interest in Sherri, and decides to ask her out. The problem is that Alan can't get over Sherri's relationship with Charlie.

Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 2 Episode 19 (S02E19) - 1
For once in your life, don't settle. Go for what you really want.
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I wasn't actually in a bar fight.
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I see. And why do you feel the need to tell me all this?
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- I'm not only happy for you, I'm proud. - Thank you.
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I was really intimidated, but as it turns out, she's just like a regular person...
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Exactly.
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Well, thank you.
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And part of a nutritious breakfast.
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He's also a man and that...
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In fact, no one can replace your mother.
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...that make me wish I had a son of my own.
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Because she's been here before? Been here with you?
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Alcohol impairs your ability to make good decisions.
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- You won't score points by telling her. - Okay.
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...open her door, wait for her to say thank you...
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You're the most beautiful woman I've ever seen, and I don't deserve you.
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You know, Sherri, I'd really like to see more of you.
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Well, there's not a lot to tell.
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...as a case of mistaken identity, but I think it still counts.
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No, no, no. A little.
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My point is, yeah, I'm tired of those, those shallow relationships...
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- See, you really are adorable. - Thank you.
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Check it out. Ninja death toast.
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- Death toast? - Oh, thank you.
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- I'm still hungry. - There's bread all over the living room.
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- I think she wants to have sex. - With who?
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...I'd say stick with the basics.
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When you're with a woman like Sherri, who's so gosh-darn beautiful...
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You wanna keep your toothpaste in the tube until you're done brushing.
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I don't get it. She must have lost a bet.
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No, no, I mean leaving the station.
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When you're making love, the way to slow yourself down is...
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I think I have one of his T-shirts. You might as well take that too.
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Aired 15 years ago - Mar 07, 2005

Charlie is invited to a party hosted by a gay ad-executive named Eric, so Charlie asks Alan to pretend that he's his life partner. While at the party, Charlie meets Eric's ex-wife Pamela, and tries to sleep with her without Eric finding out.

Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 2 Episode 18 (S02E18) - 1
Don't worry. I just sparkle a little bit. I don't burst into flames.
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The way I sparkle?
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...you're my life partner. That makes you special.
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...have one of your oafish poker buddies be your partner.
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Listen to you. You're just making my point.
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Too much when I set up a college fund for Jake?
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All right. But I want it on the record...
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Nevertheless, I'm going to be the husband in this one.
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Well, it was on sale. I can't return it.
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- Well, you heard it. Now, come on. - You know, I'm only doing this for you.
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Dad said we could order a pizza.
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I'm serious. If we're gonna pull this off, we need to be convincing.
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...when the first one came up, we both reached for it, and our hands touched.
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- I'm sorry. - I'm sorry, what?
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...this one panics, spills coffee over one of his hideous bowling shirts.
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- That's a delicious story. - Yeah, isn't it yummy?
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Okey-dokey, artichokey.
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I want you both to meet someone very special to me. Charlie, Alan...
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- Gonna tell me what's bothering you? - Lf you don't know, no point discussing.
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How many appletinis did you drink tonight?
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...that she temporarily flipped me back to the home team.
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No, that's not cheating.
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Okay, well, good night.
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I'll bet you are.
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I'm keeping a big one right now.
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The feel of a man's hot breath on the back of my neck.
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Yeah, it's a riot.
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Oh, you, come here.
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It's pretty sheer. Eric hated it when he could see my nipples. That a gay thing?
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What do you think? With or without the bra?
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I don't know. Go like this:
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How does his mother put up with him?
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I met him and his partner last night, but we immediately hit it off.
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Of course. Alan's almost like a son to me.
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...because we support each other in all our little causes, and you love me. Right?
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I'll buy us matching tracksuits. It'll be cute.
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You can't stop shopping. I've gotta find you something slutty.
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- You do? - Of course. I went through this with Eric.
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Play along. Humor me. If I were straight...
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I know, I know. Just wait.
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Oh, great. Why don't you just roll up a newspaper and hit it?
Aired 15 years ago - Feb 21, 2005

After Charlie has back pain, Alan decides to take him to the Hospital. While there Charlie can't stop hitting on the doctor who is examining him. The only problem is that he has a history with her that he can't remember. Berta is feed up with Jake's inability to use the bathroom properly, so she decides to make him clean it until he learns.

Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 2 Episode 17 (S02E17) - 1
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I'm not holding, but I can make a couple calls.
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- You keep an eye on Jake. - Fine.
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Suit yourself. I should call your doctor and tell him we're coming.
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- You're kidding, right? - Do I look like I'm kidding?
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...but I couldn't face the inevitable phone calls.
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Yes, Beverly Hills, California.
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Wilshire Boulevard, we think.
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No, but this is an emergency.
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- It's Stanley. - Thank you.
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She was playing a little fast and loose with the old prescription pad.
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That's kind of how this happened.
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...I'm betting you'll be able to pee through a Cheerio at 10 paces.
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I could help you, Charlie.
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- So you'll let me work on you? - Not in a million years.
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Mr. Harper, I'm Dr. Talmadge.
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Yeah, it started in my back...
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So no.
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I'm warning you.
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He's a sexual compulsive with narcissistic tendencies.
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- I take blood pressure and x-rays. - Your mother must be very proud.
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- Can you believe her? - Yeah, she is something else.
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I can park wherever I want.
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What's classier than a doctor?
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No more country clubs. No more Cadillacs.
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...and the sink. - What took you so long?
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It's not that hard. You just gotta drink a lot of root beer, lean back...
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- No, I mean... - Charlie, give it a rest.
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...from one shallow, meaningless relationship to the next.
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- Who says? - Everybody says.
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It's not up for debate.
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The only question is how high a tab you want before the bill comes due.
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It's like trying to talk Shakespeare to a Hershey bar.
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- Berta. - What?
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Oh, golly, no. Only for a doctor.
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...until you wake up one day peeing blood and crapping into a bag.
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Boo-hoo, you'll have to wait a couple of weeks.
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Okay. Let's see what we've got.
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Have you had Demerol before?
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- Sorry. - That's okay.
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Happy, happy, happy. Happy.
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Aired 15 years ago - Jan 31, 2005

The brothers throw out their mother, after she insults the way Alan is raising Jake. When Alan and Charlie ignore her phone calls, to get their attention she ends up in the hospital. When Alan and Charlie show up at the hospital they aren't sure if she's faking, and try to call her bluff.

Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 2 Episode 14 (S02E14) - 1
Sorry. Sorry. You go ahead. I'll pretend I'm not here.
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The War of 1812 was fought against whom?
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Here we go. Name three changes in American life...
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- You are our new champion. - Yes.
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You know what his ex-wife said to me?
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Not only was she completely unappreciative...
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...to keep us off the furniture.
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- Thanks. It's my first A this year. - Really? Well, it's none too soon then.
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An A is very nice. I just don't know why you're making such a big fuss...
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She cloned a goldfish for the science fair.
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Is that what you want, Jake? A life of failure and mediocrity?
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...every bit of self-esteem out of him. You're like a...
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Mom, I am sorry, but I don't think I want you around my son anymore.
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Why tell her when we can show her?
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All right, fine.
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Goodbye.
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She's been calling all morning. I'm starting to feel guilty.
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- We're fine, Rose. - We're not talking to her.
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...then she sent Rose over. I wonder what's next.
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How in the hell did your mother get my cell phone number?
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- No, it's been pretty quiet. - Yeah, maybe too quiet.
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Apparently her mom had a little relapse with the pills.
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Our mother checked in this evening with chest pains and breathing difficulties.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 2 Episode 14 (S02E14) - 33
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...she complains about what horrible sons we are...
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Oh, my God. Mommy?
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 2 Episode 14 (S02E14) - 37
- Oh, thank God. - That bitch.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 2 Episode 14 (S02E14) - 38
- You said there was nothing wrong. - It's a big hospital.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 2 Episode 14 (S02E14) - 39
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I came home this afternoon, alone.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 2 Episode 14 (S02E14) - 41
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Oh, you both made it very clear how you feel about me.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 2 Episode 14 (S02E14) - 43
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It's no big deal, Mom. They crack open you open...
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 2 Episode 14 (S02E14) - 45
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I love you, boys.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 2 Episode 14 (S02E14) - 47
Oh, Judith, is that you?
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 2 Episode 14 (S02E14) - 48
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Must be someone around here who can handle a rib spreader.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 2 Episode 14 (S02E14) - 50
So now, we're gonna have to cut her open.
Aired 15 years ago - Jan 17, 2005

After an earthquake hits, Judith's house is damaged and she needs a place to stay. So Alan decides to invite her to stay with him and Charlie, without getting Charlie's permission. Charlie isn't happy with this, but accepts it. Alan becomes jealous when Judith goes on a date, and asks Charlie to find him a date, so that he can show Judith that he dates as well. MORE -LESS

Aired 15 years ago - Jan 03, 2005

Alan is jealous of Charlie when an old classmate, who's now a beautiful woman, seems to be more interested in Charlie.

Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 2 Episode 12 (S02E12) - 1
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 2 Episode 12 (S02E12) - 2
Fresh as a summer breeze Clean as a mountain spring
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Well, it's not pride so much as the satisfaction I get from helping people.
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A session of Dungeons & Dragons. Like the old days, you know?
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Thank you.
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And yet you never erected anything on the site.
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- You could never get? - Exactly.
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- Okay, forget it. - No, no. Happy birthday to me.
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That's... That's true. It would be different. But still good.
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Okay, great. Then I will see you both tomorrow.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 2 Episode 12 (S02E12) - 12
- All right, fine. I won't go. - Thank you.
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Let me tell you something. You're coming with us, whether you like it or not.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 2 Episode 12 (S02E12) - 14
She'll never believe I drive a Mercedes.
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Well...
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 2 Episode 12 (S02E12) - 16
Guilty.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 2 Episode 12 (S02E12) - 17
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...and my blouse came unbuttoned, and Alan, instead of sneaking a peek...
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 2 Episode 12 (S02E12) - 19
Well, there you go. A gentleman. A better man than I.
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Forget that. What the hell are you doing?
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- How? - How? Look at where I'm sitting.
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I'm just trying to help, Alan. Well, how about that? I do have to pee.
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He puts himself down, but he is truly a wonderful man.
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Does he complain about us cramping his style? No.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 2 Episode 12 (S02E12) - 27
Can we get the damn check, please?
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Oh, we do all kinds of father-son things.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 2 Episode 12 (S02E12) - 29
I mean, he is a great kid.
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Thank you so much. I had a wonderful time.
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And maybe rustles up a little tail.
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Okay, Sky Captain. Ready to go?
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 2 Episode 12 (S02E12) - 35
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- Don't yell. - Give me that.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 2 Episode 12 (S02E12) - 37
Go get the plane.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 2 Episode 12 (S02E12) - 38
Yep.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 2 Episode 12 (S02E12) - 39
This is all I could find.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 2 Episode 12 (S02E12) - 40
Who's the tall guy next to you?
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 2 Episode 12 (S02E12) - 41
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 2 Episode 12 (S02E12) - 42
I mean, there's no reason we couldn't try to be...
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 2 Episode 12 (S02E12) - 43
I thought you were gonna be busy.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 2 Episode 12 (S02E12) - 44
- Why can't you make it for yourself? - Remember what happened last time?
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 2 Episode 12 (S02E12) - 45
I would never say this to Alan, but I don't really care much for children.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 2 Episode 12 (S02E12) - 46
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Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 2 Episode 12 (S02E12) - 50
It's the reason I haven't eaten a carbohydrate since college.
Aired 15 years ago - Dec 13, 2004

After getting unusually turned down at a bar, Charlie learns that a website has been made dedicated to exposing his lifestyle. Charlie sets out to find who created the site, making amends to all those he stood up, but it's harder than it looks when all the women take the apology better than expected.

Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 2 Episode 11 (S02E11) - 1
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Okay.
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I don't know about this.
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How much do chicks talk about men they've been with?
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Worse. I think somebody's out there spreading the truth.
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I never lead a woman on. Unless I'm, you know, totally bombed.
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Rose, that night we spent together...
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I guess I do use that a lot.
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And don't forget to use the...
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 2 Episode 11 (S02E11) - 10
Not much. What's new with you?
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 2 Episode 11 (S02E11) - 11
...my San Fernando Valley Chiropractor of the Year award.
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It's an entire website devoted to trashing me.
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Hey, it's me. I just wanted to tell you I had a great time last night.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 2 Episode 11 (S02E11) - 16
I had a great time with you Thursday, and I thought that may...
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 2 Episode 11 (S02E11) - 17
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"How long can you expect to date Charlie after you have sex with him?"
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 2 Episode 11 (S02E11) - 19
All right, stop it. Move over.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 2 Episode 11 (S02E11) - 20
CharlieFreak180.
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There. That ought to bring a little balance to the conversation.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 2 Episode 11 (S02E11) - 22
Okay, I've had enough of this.
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No, Mom, it is not that simple.
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- Okay. - What?
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Oh, man.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 2 Episode 11 (S02E11) - 28
Whoever put up that site has to be somebody I went out with at least once.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 2 Episode 11 (S02E11) - 29
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Hi, Tina. Long time, huh?
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 2 Episode 11 (S02E11) - 31
What do you know? A year and a half.
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...but I want you to know that I was wrong, and I'm really, truly sorry.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 2 Episode 11 (S02E11) - 33
- You wanna come in for a cup of coffee? - Sure, I guess.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 2 Episode 11 (S02E11) - 34
"Pro: See Jake all the time. Con: See Judith all the time."
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 2 Episode 11 (S02E11) - 35
...I won't have to scrub your toilet anymore.
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- Do you still love her? - Of course I do.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 2 Episode 11 (S02E11) - 37
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 2 Episode 11 (S02E11) - 38
But it serves as fertilizer for the shrub, which represents my new life.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 2 Episode 11 (S02E11) - 39
I know. In a just world, you'd be washing my shorts.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 2 Episode 11 (S02E11) - 40
That was a fun apology.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 2 Episode 11 (S02E11) - 41
Most women Google the guys they go out with, you know.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 2 Episode 11 (S02E11) - 42
Let's see. Who's next?
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 2 Episode 11 (S02E11) - 43
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I'll go watch TV.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 2 Episode 11 (S02E11) - 46
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...with them this summer. - Oh, really?
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 2 Episode 11 (S02E11) - 49
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 2 Episode 11 (S02E11) - 50
Well, technically, four. I had to fake the last one.
Aired 15 years ago - Nov 29, 2004

Charlie tries to get Jake's approval on a theme song that he is hired to write for a television show, which is based on a comic book that Jake is a fan. While Alan finds out more about Rose (including how smart she is), when he spends more time with her.

Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 2 Episode 10 (S02E10) - 1
- You and me? Like a...? Like a date? - Alan, are you asking me out?
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 2 Episode 10 (S02E10) - 2
Good. That way, we don't have to pay for that overpriced movie fish.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 2 Episode 10 (S02E10) - 3
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So I'll be, like, the first kid in the world to hear this.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 2 Episode 10 (S02E10) - 5
My, oh, my He's a demon samurai
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 2 Episode 10 (S02E10) - 6
- Did you even read the comic? - Yeah, I looked it over.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 2 Episode 10 (S02E10) - 7
It's about a teenage boy in a futuristic society...
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- Okay, okay, you said "blows" already. - Did I say "big baby chunks"?
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 2 Episode 10 (S02E10) - 9
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 2 Episode 10 (S02E10) - 10
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...aside from the fact that you're Charlie's brother and Jake's dad.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 2 Episode 10 (S02E10) - 12
You know what? Why don't you tell me about you.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 2 Episode 10 (S02E10) - 13
Princeton. But just for two years.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 2 Episode 10 (S02E10) - 14
Behavioral psychology.
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- I'm sleeping. - Sleep in school, like everybody else.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 2 Episode 10 (S02E10) - 16
A teenage boy with the spirit inside Of a samurai warrior who long ago died
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 2 Episode 10 (S02E10) - 17
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- No problem. - An usher confiscated our fish.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 2 Episode 10 (S02E10) - 19
A teenage boy with the spirit inside Of a samurai warrior who long ago died
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 2 Episode 10 (S02E10) - 20
Who 's the guy who had to die? Oshikuru
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 2 Episode 10 (S02E10) - 21
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- Really? - Yeah. Me and Orville at Kitty Hawk.
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So you wanna know what goes on underneath this gruff exterior.
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- Okay. Well, it was nice talking to you. - Hey, I feel closer.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 2 Episode 10 (S02E10) - 26
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- We're just going shopping. - Morning, Charlie.
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- Charlie, everybody has flaws. - Flaws?
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Thank God it was an extreme close-up. Most people thought it was a fruit bat.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 2 Episode 10 (S02E10) - 31
- Hey, what're you doing? - Reading Lord of the Flies.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 2 Episode 10 (S02E10) - 32
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Here you go. Raspberry-mango-banana with a shot of wheatgrass.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 2 Episode 10 (S02E10) - 34
What about that lady over there? What do you think her life is like?
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 2 Episode 10 (S02E10) - 35
Emotionally, spiritually, sexually. Especially sexually.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 2 Episode 10 (S02E10) - 36
- What about that lady over there? - Her?
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 2 Episode 10 (S02E10) - 37
...which is all the more sad...
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- Yes. - So, in essence...
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 2 Episode 10 (S02E10) - 39
...but it's better than being together with someone you don't love or respect.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 2 Episode 10 (S02E10) - 40
I just thought, you know, since it's a beautiful day...
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 2 Episode 10 (S02E10) - 41
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I have five of the toothy little guys.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 2 Episode 10 (S02E10) - 44
Of course they are.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 2 Episode 10 (S02E10) - 45
Well, that's a good question. Let's think about it for a minute.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 2 Episode 10 (S02E10) - 46
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 2 Episode 10 (S02E10) - 47
Wait a minute. Have you been doing that behavioral psychology thing on me?
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 2 Episode 10 (S02E10) - 48
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 2 Episode 10 (S02E10) - 49
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 2 Episode 10 (S02E10) - 50
Aired 15 years ago - Nov 15, 2004

Alan meets a woman named Nancy at a grocery store, who fulfills every single one of his desires, forcing Charlie to take care of Jake. After knowing Nancy for a few days Alan decides to ask her to marry him, prompting Charlie to try and talk him out of it, and he even gets help from the brothers' mother.

Aired 15 years ago - Nov 08, 2004

Charlie and Alan hire Berta's sister to cater a party their mother has conned them into throwing for her.

Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 2 Episode 7 (S02E07) - 1
- So, what's new, Mom? - Well, if you really care...
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 2 Episode 7 (S02E07) - 2
It's the highest honor the real-estate community can bestow.
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- I mean, we love and respect you... - But why here?
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 2 Episode 7 (S02E07) - 4
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Big kiss. Love you all.
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Jake, look. There's a pelican on the deck.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 2 Episode 7 (S02E07) - 7
I do. Now, what about this stupid party?
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 2 Episode 7 (S02E07) - 8
She's my sister. Her husband left. I'm trying to get her back on her feet.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 2 Episode 7 (S02E07) - 9
Hey, you Charlie?
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 2 Episode 7 (S02E07) - 10
Same mom. Dad's a little iffy.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 2 Episode 7 (S02E07) - 11
Well, that's why they make bourbon.
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"Hey, hamburger, guess what's gonna happen to you."
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 2 Episode 7 (S02E07) - 15
...who huffs nail-polish remover between appointments.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 2 Episode 7 (S02E07) - 16
- Daisy! - In here!
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I'm coming down there.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 2 Episode 7 (S02E07) - 18
...full of corn pads, used lottery tickets and insulin.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 2 Episode 7 (S02E07) - 19
She didn't leave it to you. You were just the first one back after she flatlined.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 2 Episode 7 (S02E07) - 20
How about stuffed mushrooms? Everybody loves those.
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No husband, no one to do your nails, and blocks where your house used to be.
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You spoil that dog. Anyway, I'm staying at a motel tonight.
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- So I can eat this? - No.
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- What's going on? - I'll tell you what's going on.
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We've got 50 people coming in a couple of hours.
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- Why pick her up? - Grandma likes to drink.
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I don't want a refund.
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Ever since Mom spit her out, she got everything she wanted.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 2 Episode 7 (S02E07) - 32
What if you went ahead and made a couple dozen of those little egg rolls?
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 2 Episode 7 (S02E07) - 33
So you can drink.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 2 Episode 7 (S02E07) - 34
- Why don't you wanna go to your party? - Please, it isn't a party.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 2 Episode 7 (S02E07) - 35
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Miserable bastards.
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Okay, you know what? Go, don't go. I don't care.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 2 Episode 7 (S02E07) - 38
...that the guest of honor could not be bothered to show up.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 2 Episode 7 (S02E07) - 39
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She threw them away on chasing after men with drinking problems...
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 2 Episode 7 (S02E07) - 41
...she had this crush on our cousin Jimmy...
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Okay.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 2 Episode 7 (S02E07) - 44
Alrighty, is there a number where she can reach you?
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 2 Episode 7 (S02E07) - 45
- Anything else? - No, that's it.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 2 Episode 7 (S02E07) - 46
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...so you should make up with your sister and finish cooking.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 2 Episode 7 (S02E07) - 48
She said that you have strayed from your path and to follow your bliss...
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 2 Episode 7 (S02E07) - 49
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Yeah, but what if they weren't?

Alan denies having shoplifted a toy as a child and fears he has a dark side, until Charlie admits he planted the toy on Alan to stay out of trouble himself.

Aired 16 years ago - Oct 18, 2004

Charlie meets his match when he falls for a woman who's better at playing hard to get than he is.

Aired 16 years ago - Oct 04, 2004

Charlie tries to save Jake from school suspension for giving his teacher (Missi Pyle) the finger by romancing her, but his several attempts fail every time.

Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 2 Episode 3 (S02E03) - 1
...but Jake has something he wants to say.
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I'm not used to being around children and, well, I am really sorry.
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Jake, go to the vending machine...
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Cool. Like the Itchy Eye.
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Lucky? Sure, why not. Let's call it luck.
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And it's getting weirder.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 2 Episode 3 (S02E03) - 12
Listen, buddy, Miss Pasternak and I are kind of having a sleepover.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 2 Episode 3 (S02E03) - 13
This is more wrong than the time I saw Santa peeing at the mall.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 2 Episode 3 (S02E03) - 14
- Come on, buddy. Get some sleep. - Oh, yeah. Like I'm gonna sleep now.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 2 Episode 3 (S02E03) - 15
...and that he keeps this to himself. - Thank you, Charlie.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 2 Episode 3 (S02E03) - 16
- Charlie? - Yes, Miss Pasternak.
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How much more?
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 2 Episode 3 (S02E03) - 18
Oh, Charlie. Come on.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 2 Episode 3 (S02E03) - 19
No kidding. What stupid thing did you do you're trying to make up for?
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No, it says it on the can.
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So how did Jake take it? Did he freak out?
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You sure? Because I'm just empty calories.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 2 Episode 3 (S02E03) - 29
Dolores, you're a terrific woman and I've enjoyed being with you very much...
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 2 Episode 3 (S02E03) - 30
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 2 Episode 3 (S02E03) - 31
Charlie, that's the past.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 2 Episode 3 (S02E03) - 32
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 2 Episode 3 (S02E03) - 33
...I prayed for forgiveness and I was told not to worry about it.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 2 Episode 3 (S02E03) - 34
What matters is the same hand that delivered me...
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 2 Episode 3 (S02E03) - 35
- All right. - All right, what?
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 2 Episode 3 (S02E03) - 36
... and talk more about this path we are on and where it's heading.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 2 Episode 3 (S02E03) - 37
Boy, it's weird being on the other side of one of these calls.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 2 Episode 3 (S02E03) - 38
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 2 Episode 3 (S02E03) - 39
...but I realize now that breakups may be outside your area of expertise.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 2 Episode 3 (S02E03) - 40
- I'm just about to break up with her. - Oh, no, don't, don't.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 2 Episode 3 (S02E03) - 41
"Abraham Lincoln signed the Emancipation Proclamation in pen."
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 2 Episode 3 (S02E03) - 42
You broke into my house and left it on my pillow.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 2 Episode 3 (S02E03) - 43
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Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 2 Episode 3 (S02E03) - 45
After he's accepted he can learn that Sacajawea...
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 2 Episode 3 (S02E03) - 46
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 2 Episode 3 (S02E03) - 47
All the kids were so well-behaved. Even Jake.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 2 Episode 3 (S02E03) - 48
I hadn't really decided.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 2 Episode 3 (S02E03) - 49
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 2 Episode 3 (S02E03) - 50
Nothing. Forget it. Let's just have a nice evening.
Aired 16 years ago - Sep 27, 2004

Judith is dating Jake's pediatrician, and Alan is upset until Charlie points out that if she remarries, his alimony payments will end.

Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 2 Episode 2 (S02E02) - 1
I'll bring this little fella back to Judith, and clean the slate.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 2 Episode 2 (S02E02) - 2
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 2 Episode 2 (S02E02) - 3
Charlie, look at this. What is this? "The Harpers."
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 2 Episode 2 (S02E02) - 4
Come on, ring the bell.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 2 Episode 2 (S02E02) - 5
Dr. Melnick. Is Jake all right?
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 2 Episode 2 (S02E02) - 6
Oh, okay.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 2 Episode 2 (S02E02) - 7
Why don't I just get back in the hot tub and give you guys a minute.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 2 Episode 2 (S02E02) - 8
It's symbolic.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 2 Episode 2 (S02E02) - 9
Wait, wait, wait.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 2 Episode 2 (S02E02) - 10
My ex-wife is sleeping with our pediatrician.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 2 Episode 2 (S02E02) - 11
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 2 Episode 2 (S02E02) - 12
She said it made her hair frizzy.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 2 Episode 2 (S02E02) - 13
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 2 Episode 2 (S02E02) - 14
You provided the woman and the hot tub.
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Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 2 Episode 2 (S02E02) - 18
I wouldn't come over if I'd been told he wasn't here.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 2 Episode 2 (S02E02) - 19
Gee, I'd love to, but I got my regular Sunday morning softball game.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 2 Episode 2 (S02E02) - 20
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 2 Episode 2 (S02E02) - 21
And I came by to tell you it won't happen again.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 2 Episode 2 (S02E02) - 22
Up and out this early on a Saturday? Good for her.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 2 Episode 2 (S02E02) - 23
Alan, I gotta tell you, this is a little awkward...
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 2 Episode 2 (S02E02) - 24
So let me make you some coffee.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 2 Episode 2 (S02E02) - 25
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 2 Episode 2 (S02E02) - 26
Whenever I come, you do everything you can to avoid spending time with me.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 2 Episode 2 (S02E02) - 27
Charlie, look at me.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 2 Episode 2 (S02E02) - 28
- Okay, I'm out of here. - No, no, wait, Berta.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 2 Episode 2 (S02E02) - 29
- Berta, I'm begging you. - Oh, all right.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 2 Episode 2 (S02E02) - 30
Coffee, juice, and my secret stash of Mint Milanos...
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 2 Episode 2 (S02E02) - 31
- My wife passed away. - Oh, I'm so sorry.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 2 Episode 2 (S02E02) - 32
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- You got kids? - No.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 2 Episode 2 (S02E02) - 34
Judith is a wonderful mother.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 2 Episode 2 (S02E02) - 35
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 2 Episode 2 (S02E02) - 36
Come to find out that the money that I loaned them to open a tanning salon...
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 2 Episode 2 (S02E02) - 37
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 2 Episode 2 (S02E02) - 38
- Well, not by heart. - Charlie.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 2 Episode 2 (S02E02) - 39
- What? - Why do you hate me?
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 2 Episode 2 (S02E02) - 40
- Oh, sure. Hi, Evelyn. - Hello, dear.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 2 Episode 2 (S02E02) - 41
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 2 Episode 2 (S02E02) - 42
Well, yeah. You know, she does become a little emotional at times, huh?
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 2 Episode 2 (S02E02) - 43
The trick to that is to always have some Fun Size Snickers in your pocket.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 2 Episode 2 (S02E02) - 44
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- Raquel Welch. - Hey, that's a damn fine film.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 2 Episode 2 (S02E02) - 47
Rose, for God's sake, you're talking to my mother.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 2 Episode 2 (S02E02) - 48
- That's what my therapist says. - Hell, I could've told you that for free.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 2 Episode 2 (S02E02) - 49
Hello, sweetheart. Thank you for the lovely birthday card.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 2 Episode 2 (S02E02) - 50
...why Charlie hates you. - Yeah.
Aired 16 years ago - Sep 20, 2004

Alan learns that Charlie belongs to an exclusive men's group, and he begs his brother to let him join.

Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 2 Episode 1 (S02E01) - 1
How is he your buddy? You didn't choose him.
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Uncle Charlie. And you know why it's funny? Because it's true.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 2 Episode 1 (S02E01) - 5
Do you consider us friends?
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 2 Episode 1 (S02E01) - 6
Oh, really? Anybody I know?
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 2 Episode 1 (S02E01) - 7
This is my house. Those were my friends.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 2 Episode 1 (S02E01) - 8
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We have to go through this every time we get together?
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 2 Episode 1 (S02E01) - 10
All right. How do I say this?
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 2 Episode 1 (S02E01) - 11
Oh, drat.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 2 Episode 1 (S02E01) - 12
All I wanna do is finish my Corn Pops and go to sleep.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 2 Episode 1 (S02E01) - 13
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 2 Episode 1 (S02E01) - 14
Flag, drag, hag.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 2 Episode 1 (S02E01) - 15
...like...
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 2 Episode 1 (S02E01) - 16
Don't worry, I just need my phone book.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 2 Episode 1 (S02E01) - 17
He's our bookie.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 2 Episode 1 (S02E01) - 18
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Of course, I guess in hindsight, I should have seen it coming, but...
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 2 Episode 1 (S02E01) - 20
You just saw him, didn't you? Trust me, he doesn't get any better.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 2 Episode 1 (S02E01) - 21
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Oh, really? You and Roz are at Judith's too. Interesting.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 2 Episode 1 (S02E01) - 25
No, no, no, I don't wanna take it up with her. I...
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 2 Episode 1 (S02E01) - 26
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 2 Episode 1 (S02E01) - 27
You know, as long as we're talking about getting older...
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 2 Episode 1 (S02E01) - 28
But I'm competing for women with guys who are way younger.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 2 Episode 1 (S02E01) - 29
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 2 Episode 1 (S02E01) - 30
Let me tell you something about relevant.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 2 Episode 1 (S02E01) - 31
Your brother is your relative, ergo, your brother is relevant.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 2 Episode 1 (S02E01) - 32
Another "rel" word is "relapse."
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 2 Episode 1 (S02E01) - 33
Well, I'd like to think we are.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 2 Episode 1 (S02E01) - 34
Charlie's got some friends over and I thought I'd give him some space.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 2 Episode 1 (S02E01) - 35
...and thought you might like some company.
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Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 2 Episode 1 (S02E01) - 38
Now Alan thinks he can waltz right in because he's my little brother?
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 2 Episode 1 (S02E01) - 39
Charlie, you know in your heart the right thing to do.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 2 Episode 1 (S02E01) - 40
You're working on my last nerve.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 2 Episode 1 (S02E01) - 41
That, and every so often, sneak into his bedroom and try on his underwear.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 2 Episode 1 (S02E01) - 42
Why don't you take a Beano and come back to the house and join the group.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 2 Episode 1 (S02E01) - 43
It would be inconvenient for me to return right now.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 2 Episode 1 (S02E01) - 44
Cut it out, Rose.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 2 Episode 1 (S02E01) - 45
...or do I have to drag you in by your big, flappy monkey ears?
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 2 Episode 1 (S02E01) - 46
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 2 Episode 1 (S02E01) - 47
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 2 Episode 1 (S02E01) - 48
Coop, what's up with your fixation on women who resemble Tobey Maguire?
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 2 Episode 1 (S02E01) - 49
So I'll hang back and try not to disrupt the flow.
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 2 Episode 1 (S02E01) - 50
But there is a "shut the hell up" shoe.