Aired 15 years ago - May 23, 2005
Charlie unknowingly sleeps with an older man's trophy wife while Jake has to read a paper to his class.
...which, in my opinion,
is the strongest of the trilogy.
If you know what I mean.
So I went into the kitchen for what
Uncle Charlie calls a 'virgin screwdriver. '
- What are you doing?
- Watching TV.
- You wanna go to the museum?
- No. I wanna watch TV.
- Is your name Harper?
- You're married?
- Does he have a weapon?
- L... He has a stick.
We got five minutes.
No. Have you seen my wife?
I always find a nice cookie
can brighten up even the darkest day.
- Oh, that's nice too.
Oh, that's okay.
I'm sorry my brother is...
- You married?
- Good morning.
- Oh, speaking of tasty cookies...
Well, it's a little complicated.
...and Norman here is her daddy
or her sugar daddy.
- You got a gun?
Yeah, if she's firm enough,
he'll do her.
"And suddenly I realized...
...but I'm sure Annette
is a lovely woman.
Hold on now.
A lot of women have butterfly tattoos.
It's my own fault anyway.
So it's not just me.
- Well, look them up on your Internet.
And I only hope you don't make
the same mistake I did.
...and you wind up having
coffee with some putz...
Maybe I'll stop at the market,
pick up some of those cookies.
Did my son polish your trophy wife?
How many times you been married?
Aired 15 years ago - May 09, 2005
Evelyn buys Alan a new Sports car causing Charlie to claim that his brother has sold his soul to the Devil. The next day, Evelyn extracts payment by insisting that Alan go on a blind, double date with her, her new beau and his daughter. At the
restaurant, Alan learns that his mother and boyfriend will not be able to join them because there was a mixup between his heart medication and Viagra and she didn't want to ""waste it"". As a result, Alan is left to deal with the daughter, who is on a weekend pass from a rehab center and still has some loose screws. Alan eventually gets her back to the beach house only to have her drive off in his new sports car and become the object of a televised high-speed car chase.
Well, what do you know?
Monkeys can drive a stick.
What you should be wearing
is a hat with a propeller on top.
If you're not getting tickets and tail,
you might as well take the bus.
You need a bumper sticker that reads,
"My other car is a puckered rectum."
Jake, your dad's here.
Where's your car?
No, no, you don't.
Absolutely. This guy's farting dust.
And you didn't believe
he was that stupid.
...without bursting into flames
He has a lovely daughter about your age.
This has absolutely nothing
to do with the car.
I love the smell of brimstone
in the morning.
Forty-two days, so far.
- Would you like a cocktail?
- No, no, no cocktails. No.
So, what do you do?
- It's my phone.
- Oh, thank God.
That son of a bitch
never cared about me.
Careful. I bit the last guy
who tried to touch me.
Then why'd you order it
Don't tell your mom
your father's on a date.
Hey, Judith. What's up?
How come it's a secret
Dad's on a date?
...or whatever cave
you crawled out of.
A salty! I shall now need a slice of lime
and a carafe of tequila.
No, no, I meant home to your father.
...and tries to recapture his youth.
Listen, don't worry
about your midlife crisis.
Alan, calm down, calm down.
Listen to me. Here's what you do:
You're saying that to bust my chops.
Aired 15 years ago - May 02, 2005
Evelyn reads in the obituaries that her second husband, Harry has died. They all attend the funeral, including Jake who is excited at the opportunity of seeing a ""dead guy"". Charlie is excited by the opportunity of a newly single widow, and Alan is just happy to pay his respects to Harry.
...and held on to that stately
six-bedroom, four-bath Colonial...
Let me get this straight.
With the chubby daughter
who was so grateful?
Okay, then. The funeral is tomorrow.
Just because you divorce doesn't mean
you no longer have feelings.
- Fine, you stay here with Uncle Charlie.
You betrayed me by communicating with
that son of a bitch after I divorced him?
Doesn't your soul qualify?
I'm going to pick up your grandmother.
I thought about it and realized,
even if I didn't like the guy...
- Jake, you're coming with us.
- I don't wanna.
- Oh, right.
You okay, Mom?
I may have glossed over the details
with you boys just a skosh.
Yes, I've been blessed with
both children and grandchildren.
She doesn't look very unhappy,
Kiss it on the mouth, if you will.
...at my Malibu beach house
when he lost his wife.
And when you think about it,
Harry isn't really dead either.
Excuse me a moment.
Usually drunk and on top of somebody.
...rambling around all by yourself in that
big, drafty, six-bedroom Colonial...
...because this is a seller's market.
- Excuse me.
Hey, where's Jake?
- How do you know my name?
Okay, well, let's... Let's take a look.
- How did he die?
- He just got old.
Okay, there are other people waiting
to pay their respects.
...and maybe some of the stuff
between us may have been my fault.
For everything, there is a season.
Not now, Jake.
...I was just a hot young widow
with bills to pay...
It wasn't easy being
a substitute father...
Stand up, Christine.
Let everybody have a look at you.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'm being disrespectful
to the grieving widow.
Aired 16 years ago - Mar 21, 2005
After Charlie takes Alan to an eye doctor, they end up at cafe where they bump into Charlie's ex-girlfriend, Sherri. While there Alan shows an interest in Sherri, and decides to ask her out. The problem is that Alan can't get over Sherri's relationship with Charlie.
For once in your life, don't settle.
Go for what you really want.
I wasn't actually in a bar fight.
I see. And why do you feel the need
to tell me all this?
- I'm not only happy for you, I'm proud.
- Thank you.
I was really intimidated, but as it turns
out, she's just like a regular person...
Well, thank you.
And part of a nutritious breakfast.
He's also a man and that...
In fact, no one
can replace your mother.
...that make me wish
I had a son of my own.
Because she's been here before?
Been here with you?
Alcohol impairs your ability
to make good decisions.
- You won't score points by telling her.
...open her door, wait for her
to say thank you...
You're the most beautiful woman
I've ever seen, and I don't deserve you.
You know, Sherri, I'd really like
to see more of you.
Well, there's not a lot to tell.
...as a case of mistaken identity,
but I think it still counts.
No, no, no. A little.
My point is, yeah, I'm tired of those,
those shallow relationships...
- See, you really are adorable.
- Thank you.
Check it out. Ninja death toast.
- Death toast?
- Oh, thank you.
- I'm still hungry.
- There's bread all over the living room.
- I think she wants to have sex.
- With who?
...I'd say stick with the basics.
When you're with a woman like Sherri,
who's so gosh-darn beautiful...
You wanna keep your toothpaste
in the tube until you're done brushing.
I don't get it.
She must have lost a bet.
No, no, I mean leaving the station.
When you're making love,
the way to slow yourself down is...
I think I have one of his T-shirts.
You might as well take that too.
Aired 16 years ago - Mar 07, 2005
Charlie is invited to a party hosted by a gay ad-executive named Eric, so Charlie asks Alan to pretend that he's his life partner. While at the party, Charlie meets Eric's ex-wife Pamela, and tries to sleep with her without Eric finding out.
Don't worry. I just sparkle a little bit.
I don't burst into flames.
The way I sparkle?
...you're my life partner.
That makes you special.
...have one of your oafish poker
buddies be your partner.
Listen to you.
You're just making my point.
Too much when
I set up a college fund for Jake?
All right. But I want it on the record...
Nevertheless, I'm going to be
the husband in this one.
Well, it was on sale. I can't return it.
- Well, you heard it. Now, come on.
- You know, I'm only doing this for you.
Dad said we could order a pizza.
I'm serious. If we're gonna pull this off,
we need to be convincing.
...when the first one came up, we both
reached for it, and our hands touched.
- I'm sorry.
- I'm sorry, what?
...this one panics, spills coffee
over one of his hideous bowling shirts.
- That's a delicious story.
- Yeah, isn't it yummy?
I want you both to meet someone
very special to me. Charlie, Alan...
- Gonna tell me what's bothering you?
- Lf you don't know, no point discussing.
How many appletinis
did you drink tonight?
...that she temporarily
flipped me back to the home team.
No, that's not cheating.
Okay, well, good night.
I'll bet you are.
I'm keeping a big one right now.
The feel of a man's hot breath
on the back of my neck.
Yeah, it's a riot.
Oh, you, come here.
It's pretty sheer. Eric hated it when he
could see my nipples. That a gay thing?
What do you think?
With or without the bra?
I don't know. Go like this:
How does his mother
put up with him?
I met him and his partner last night,
but we immediately hit it off.
Of course. Alan's almost
like a son to me.
...because we support each other in all
our little causes, and you love me. Right?
I'll buy us matching tracksuits.
It'll be cute.
You can't stop shopping.
I've gotta find you something slutty.
- You do?
- Of course. I went through this with Eric.
Play along. Humor me.
If I were straight...
I know, I know. Just wait.
Oh, great. Why don't you just
roll up a newspaper and hit it?
Aired 16 years ago - Feb 21, 2005
After Charlie has back pain, Alan decides to take him to the Hospital. While there Charlie can't stop hitting on the doctor who is examining him. The only problem is that he has a history with her that he can't remember. Berta is feed up with Jake's inability to use the bathroom properly, so she decides to make him clean it until he learns.
I'm not holding,
but I can make a couple calls.
- You keep an eye on Jake.
Suit yourself. I should call your doctor
and tell him we're coming.
- You're kidding, right?
- Do I look like I'm kidding?
...but I couldn't face
the inevitable phone calls.
Yes, Beverly Hills, California.
Wilshire Boulevard, we think.
No, but this is an emergency.
- It's Stanley.
- Thank you.
She was playing a little fast and loose
with the old prescription pad.
That's kind of how this happened.
...I'm betting you'll be able to pee
through a Cheerio at 10 paces.
I could help you, Charlie.
- So you'll let me work on you?
- Not in a million years.
Mr. Harper, I'm Dr. Talmadge.
Yeah, it started in my back...
I'm warning you.
He's a sexual compulsive
with narcissistic tendencies.
- I take blood pressure and x-rays.
- Your mother must be very proud.
- Can you believe her?
- Yeah, she is something else.
I can park wherever I want.
What's classier than a doctor?
No more country clubs.
No more Cadillacs.
...and the sink.
- What took you so long?
It's not that hard. You just gotta
drink a lot of root beer, lean back...
- No, I mean...
- Charlie, give it a rest.
...from one shallow,
meaningless relationship to the next.
- Who says?
- Everybody says.
It's not up for debate.
The only question is how high a tab
you want before the bill comes due.
It's like trying to talk Shakespeare
to a Hershey bar.
Oh, golly, no. Only for a doctor.
...until you wake up one day
peeing blood and crapping into a bag.
Boo-hoo, you'll have to wait
a couple of weeks.
Okay. Let's see what we've got.
Have you had Demerol before?
- That's okay.
Happy, happy, happy.
Aired 16 years ago - Jan 31, 2005
The brothers throw out their mother, after she insults the way Alan is raising Jake. When Alan and Charlie ignore her phone calls, to get their attention she ends up in the hospital. When Alan and Charlie show up at the hospital they aren't sure if she's faking, and try to call her bluff.
Sorry. Sorry. You go ahead.
I'll pretend I'm not here.
The War of 1812 was fought
Here we go. Name three changes
in American life...
- You are our new champion.
You know what his ex-wife
said to me?
Not only was she completely
...to keep us off the furniture.
- Thanks. It's my first A this year.
- Really? Well, it's none too soon then.
An A is very nice. I just don't know
why you're making such a big fuss...
She cloned a goldfish
for the science fair.
Is that what you want, Jake?
A life of failure and mediocrity?
...every bit of self-esteem out of him.
You're like a...
Mom, I am sorry, but I don't think
I want you around my son anymore.
Why tell her when we can show her?
All right, fine.
She's been calling all morning.
I'm starting to feel guilty.
- We're fine, Rose.
- We're not talking to her.
...then she sent Rose over.
I wonder what's next.
How in the hell did your mother
get my cell phone number?
- No, it's been pretty quiet.
- Yeah, maybe too quiet.
Apparently her mom had
a little relapse with the pills.
Our mother checked in this evening with
chest pains and breathing difficulties.
about what horrible sons we are...
Oh, my God. Mommy?
- Oh, thank God.
- That bitch.
- You said there was nothing wrong.
- It's a big hospital.
I came home this afternoon, alone.
Oh, you both made it very clear
how you feel about me.
It's no big deal, Mom.
They crack open you open...
I love you, boys.
Oh, Judith, is that you?
Must be someone around here
who can handle a rib spreader.
So now, we're gonna
have to cut her open.
Aired 16 years ago - Jan 17, 2005
After an earthquake hits, Judith's house is damaged and she needs a place to stay. So Alan decides to invite her to stay with him and Charlie, without getting Charlie's permission. Charlie isn't happy with this, but accepts it. Alan becomes jealous
when Judith goes on a date, and asks Charlie to find him a date, so that he can show Judith that he dates as well.
...he doesn't give a rat's ass
what you guys do.
Charlie, I know this is a big imposition.
I really appreciate you inviting me.
I promise I'll be out of here
in a couple of days.
I use those whenever I drop my watch
in the toilet.
I don't want any salad.
Technically, it's my house, his rules.
Why? Your mom and I may not be living
together anymore, but we're still friends.
The important thing is we're making
an effort to be nicer to each other.
I just tucked Jake in.
He loves you very much.
Well, I got laid this morning.
Just watching a little TV.
Oh, right. And she's not really a girl.
Yeah, well, it was hard for me.
- That's your brother's ex-wife out there.
Can't get away with much
when they compare notes.
You know, with a friend.
I guess it's a date of some sort.
Yeah, except the people you're seeing
are in magazines and videos.
- Okay. I'm leaving.
- Oh, have fun.
- Oh, you remember me?
You know what,
you haven't changed at all.
- He's at our house.
- How come?
- Are you gonna buy a new house?
Oh, good, there's a twist. You see,
that's what makes a good story.
- Are you finished?
- Did I mention I told you so?
While your ex-wife is sitting
in the house that belongs to me.
It would be different
if Judith and I were both dating.
- Anything else?
- And smart.
- Yeah. Hard to believe, huh?
- She picks you up?
- Well, what can I say?
You are so good for my ego.
I'm betting you will.
Aired 16 years ago - Jan 03, 2005
Alan is jealous of Charlie when an old classmate, who's now a beautiful woman, seems to be more interested in Charlie.
Fresh as a summer breeze
Clean as a mountain spring
Well, it's not pride so much as the
satisfaction I get from helping people.
A session of Dungeons & Dragons.
Like the old days, you know?
And yet you never erected
anything on the site.
- You could never get?
- Okay, forget it.
- No, no. Happy birthday to me.
That's... That's true.
It would be different. But still good.
Okay, great. Then I will
see you both tomorrow.
- All right, fine. I won't go.
- Thank you.
Let me tell you something. You're coming
with us, whether you like it or not.
She'll never believe
I drive a Mercedes.
...and my blouse came unbuttoned,
and Alan, instead of sneaking a peek...
Well, there you go.
A gentleman. A better man than I.
What the hell are you doing?
- How? Look at where I'm sitting.
I'm just trying to help, Alan.
Well, how about that? I do have to pee.
He puts himself down,
but he is truly a wonderful man.
Does he complain about us
cramping his style? No.
Can we get the damn check, please?
Oh, we do all kinds
of father-son things.
I mean, he is a great kid.
Thank you so much.
I had a wonderful time.
And maybe rustles up a little tail.
Okay, Sky Captain. Ready to go?
- Don't yell.
- Give me that.
Go get the plane.
This is all I could find.
Who's the tall guy next to you?
I mean, there's no reason
we couldn't try to be...
I thought you were gonna be busy.
- Why can't you make it for yourself?
- Remember what happened last time?
I would never say this to Alan, but I
don't really care much for children.
It's the reason I haven't eaten
a carbohydrate since college.
Aired 16 years ago - Dec 13, 2004
After getting unusually turned down at a bar, Charlie learns that a website has been made dedicated to exposing his lifestyle. Charlie sets out to find who created the site, making amends to all those he stood up, but it's harder than it looks when all the women take the apology better than expected.
I don't know about this.
How much do chicks talk
about men they've been with?
Worse. I think somebody's out there
spreading the truth.
I never lead a woman on.
Unless I'm, you know, totally bombed.
Rose, that night we spent together...
I guess I do use that a lot.
And don't forget to use the...
What's new with you?
...my San Fernando Valley
Chiropractor of the Year award.
It's an entire website
devoted to trashing me.
Hey, it's me. I just wanted to tell you
I had a great time last night.
I had a great time with you Thursday,
and I thought that may...
"How long can you expect to date
Charlie after you have sex with him?"
All right, stop it. Move over.
There. That ought to bring
a little balance to the conversation.
Okay, I've had enough of this.
No, Mom, it is not that simple.
Whoever put up that site has to be
somebody I went out with at least once.
Hi, Tina. Long time, huh?
What do you know?
A year and a half.
...but I want you to know that I was
wrong, and I'm really, truly sorry.
- You wanna come in for a cup of coffee?
- Sure, I guess.
"Pro: See Jake all the time.
Con: See Judith all the time."
...I won't have to scrub your toilet
- Do you still love her?
- Of course I do.
But it serves as fertilizer for the shrub,
which represents my new life.
I know. In a just world,
you'd be washing my shorts.
That was a fun apology.
Most women Google
the guys they go out with, you know.
Let's see. Who's next?
I'll go watch TV.
...with them this summer.
- Oh, really?
Well, technically, four.
I had to fake the last one.
Aired 16 years ago - Nov 29, 2004
Charlie tries to get Jake's approval on a theme song that he is hired to write for a television show, which is based on a comic book that Jake is a fan. While Alan finds out more about Rose (including how smart she is), when he spends more time with her.
- You and me? Like a...? Like a date?
- Alan, are you asking me out?
Good. That way, we don't have to pay
for that overpriced movie fish.
So I'll be, like, the first kid in the world
to hear this.
My, oh, my
He's a demon samurai
- Did you even read the comic?
- Yeah, I looked it over.
It's about a teenage boy
in a futuristic society...
- Okay, okay, you said "blows" already.
- Did I say "big baby chunks"?
...aside from the fact that you're
Charlie's brother and Jake's dad.
You know what?
Why don't you tell me about you.
Princeton. But just for two years.
- I'm sleeping.
- Sleep in school, like everybody else.
A teenage boy with the spirit inside
Of a samurai warrior who long ago died
- No problem.
- An usher confiscated our fish.
A teenage boy with the spirit inside
Of a samurai warrior who long ago died
Who 's the guy who had to die?
- Yeah. Me and Orville at Kitty Hawk.
So you wanna know what goes on
underneath this gruff exterior.
- Okay. Well, it was nice talking to you.
- Hey, I feel closer.
- We're just going shopping.
- Morning, Charlie.
- Charlie, everybody has flaws.
Thank God it was an extreme close-up.
Most people thought it was a fruit bat.
- Hey, what're you doing?
- Reading Lord of the Flies.
Here you go. Raspberry-mango-banana
with a shot of wheatgrass.
What about that lady over there?
What do you think her life is like?
Emotionally, spiritually, sexually.
- What about that lady over there?
...which is all the more sad...
- So, in essence...
...but it's better than being together
with someone you don't love or respect.
I just thought, you know,
since it's a beautiful day...
I have five of the toothy little guys.
Of course they are.
Well, that's a good question.
Let's think about it for a minute.
Wait a minute. Have you been doing
that behavioral psychology thing on me?
Aired 16 years ago - Nov 15, 2004
Alan meets a woman named Nancy at a grocery store, who fulfills every single one of his desires, forcing Charlie to take care of Jake. After knowing Nancy for a few days Alan decides to ask her to marry him, prompting Charlie to try and talk him out of it, and he even gets help from the brothers' mother.
...they can put a woman
on your brother.
I'm happy for you.
- He's here.
- Well, may I speak with him?
It is 5.
So... So, what's up?
Alan, what's going on?
You have nothing to feel guilty about.
Okay, my fault for asking. Now,
what do you wanna do about Jake?
Wrong. This is just wrong, so wrong.
No, he's still watching TV.
Hold on, I'll check.
So I thought you were taking her home
and coming right back.
When's the last time you ate something?
Quit giggling, you know what I mean.
I am hungry. What's for dinner?
But what else we got?
...even though I've been a member
Thank you. Can I speak with you
for a minute?
Then you're doing it wrong.
I don't know, a man who was married
for 12 years and had sex 12 times.
He was up past 2?
If you don't wanna have sex anymore,
just tell her.
You are not in love, you're besotted.
Nuts? Easy? Limber?
- You gonna hit me?
- Well, let's see how it goes.
We had this unbelievably
hot weekend together.
The sex was unbelievable.
...is you're not the first guy
to mistake passion for true love...
No, I mean it. I need you.
Alan needs you.
Okay. I met a wonderful woman
in the supermarket a few days ago...
Aired 16 years ago - Nov 08, 2004
Charlie and Alan hire Berta's sister to cater a party their mother has conned them into throwing for her.
- So, what's new, Mom?
- Well, if you really care...
It's the highest honor
the real-estate community can bestow.
- I mean, we love and respect you...
- But why here?
Big kiss. Love you all.
There's a pelican on the deck.
I do. Now, what about
this stupid party?
She's my sister. Her husband left.
I'm trying to get her back on her feet.
Hey, you Charlie?
Same mom. Dad's a little iffy.
Well, that's why they make bourbon.
guess what's gonna happen to you."
...who huffs nail-polish remover
- In here!
I'm coming down there.
...full of corn pads,
used lottery tickets and insulin.
She didn't leave it to you. You were just
the first one back after she flatlined.
How about stuffed mushrooms?
Everybody loves those.
No husband, no one to do your nails,
and blocks where your house used to be.
You spoil that dog.
Anyway, I'm staying at a motel tonight.
- So I can eat this?
- What's going on?
- I'll tell you what's going on.
We've got 50 people coming
in a couple of hours.
- Why pick her up?
- Grandma likes to drink.
I don't want a refund.
Ever since Mom spit her out,
she got everything she wanted.
What if you went ahead and made
a couple dozen of those little egg rolls?
So you can drink.
- Why don't you wanna go to your party?
- Please, it isn't a party.
Okay, you know what?
Go, don't go. I don't care.
...that the guest of honor could not
be bothered to show up.
She threw them away on chasing
after men with drinking problems...
...she had this crush
on our cousin Jimmy...
Alrighty, is there a number
where she can reach you?
- Anything else?
- No, that's it.
...so you should make up
with your sister and finish cooking.
She said that you have strayed from
your path and to follow your bliss...
Yeah, but what if they weren't?
Aired 16 years ago - Oct 25, 2004
Alan denies having shoplifted a toy as a child and fears he has a dark side, until Charlie admits he planted the toy on Alan to stay out of trouble himself.
- No, the lesson was...
- Hang on, Dad.
...how much do you remember
about the whole Silly Putty incident?
Boy, those were good.
If Jake had been caught
shoplifting and told me the story I told...
That I actually stole it,
but my mind couldn't deal with it.
And yet there she is,
lying right next to you.
...to be a good son, a good student,
a good person.
...to keep Bad Alan in check?
But what if the security guard
did plant it on you?
Looks like somebody needs
a shoulder to cry on.
- Can I trust you with something?
- You trust me...
- Let me finish.
- I'm sorry.
That's a sexy feeling, isn't it?
...with instructions for it to be opened
at your death...
Three, four, five, six, seven.
I stole the Silly Putty...
A monkey could crack that.
- And a light just went off in my head...
- Mule? Why?
- Because he carries stuff.
And you think we can
just dance past that?
I said I was sorry.
L... I confessed to Jake.
What do you mean?
- I'm not fleeing from anyone, Mom.
- Well, keep it in mind.
You know how the other night
Rotten? It's unspeakable.
...to hide my jewelry
from his sticky little fingers.
it was a real imposition on you...
Yeah, but about Alan...
I beg your pardon?
I was a wonderful mother.
I didn't need a reason to drink tonight,
but it's nice to know I've got one.
Would you pass the salt?
Here. Here's the ketchup.
Boy, he's really mad at you.
Aired 16 years ago - Oct 18, 2004
Charlie meets his match when he falls for a woman who's better at playing hard to get than he is.
- So I guess I'll just let myself out.
Sherri, you asleep?
- How was school this week?
So no date tonight?
Oh, aren't you clever? Bite me.
Well, not to you specifically,
but you get the theory.
You can have ice cream
when you've done your homework.
Okay. Well, Sunday?
Okay, I'll meet you at 7.
- I've got an early meeting tomorrow.
- I'll get the check.
...I will lick your body
from head to toe.
- Sure. Hey, we're okay, right?
Why didn't you do this part?
If you spent as much time
doing the work...
...why don't you just
come out and say it?
- Didn't you have dessert with Sherri?
- How did you know I was with Sherri?
...you don't need a girl like that.
You could do so much better.
Okay, that's not where I was going,
but let's review:
No wonder the sex is so good.
That's just a risk we'll have to take.
Why can't you just learn it now?
- That was incredible.
- Yeah, it was, wasn't it?
There you go, Elvis.
Peanut butter and bananas.
Alan, got a riddle for you:
No, a health spa.
Six hundred dollars a day...
No, no, no! Let it ring.
Alan, don't you understand?
This isn't about dating anymore.
...that I don't need her just as much
as she doesn't need me.
All right, if you're gonna mock me,
this conversation's over.
- I'm glad you were free tonight.
- I'm glad I was home when you called.
The same game you're playing,
only tonight, I win.
Aired 16 years ago - Oct 04, 2004
Charlie tries to save Jake from school suspension for giving his teacher (Missi Pyle) the finger by romancing her, but his several attempts fail every time.
...but Jake has something
he wants to say.
I'm not used to being around children
and, well, I am really sorry.
Jake, go to the vending machine...
Cool. Like the Itchy Eye.
Lucky? Sure, why not.
Let's call it luck.
And it's getting weirder.
Listen, buddy, Miss Pasternak and I
are kind of having a sleepover.
This is more wrong than the time
I saw Santa peeing at the mall.
- Come on, buddy. Get some sleep.
- Oh, yeah. Like I'm gonna sleep now.
...and that he keeps this to himself.
- Thank you, Charlie.
- Yes, Miss Pasternak.
How much more?
Oh, Charlie. Come on.
No kidding. What stupid thing did you do
you're trying to make up for?
No, it says it on the can.
So how did Jake take it?
Did he freak out?
Because I'm just empty calories.
Dolores, you're a terrific woman and
I've enjoyed being with you very much...
Charlie, that's the past.
...I prayed for forgiveness
and I was told not to worry about it.
What matters is the same hand
that delivered me...
- All right.
- All right, what?
... and talk more about this path
we are on and where it's heading.
Boy, it's weird being on the other side
of one of these calls.
...but I realize now that breakups
may be outside your area of expertise.
- I'm just about to break up with her.
- Oh, no, don't, don't.
"Abraham Lincoln signed
the Emancipation Proclamation in pen."
You broke into my house
and left it on my pillow.
After he's accepted he can learn
All the kids were so well-behaved.
I hadn't really decided.
Nothing. Forget it.
Let's just have a nice evening.
Aired 16 years ago - Sep 27, 2004
Judith is dating Jake's pediatrician, and Alan is upset until Charlie points out that if she remarries, his alimony payments will end.
I'll bring this little fella back to Judith,
and clean the slate.
Charlie, look at this. What is this?
Come on, ring the bell.
Dr. Melnick. Is Jake all right?
Why don't I just get back in the hot tub
and give you guys a minute.
Wait, wait, wait.
My ex-wife is sleeping
with our pediatrician.
She said it made her hair frizzy.
You provided the woman
and the hot tub.
I wouldn't come over if I'd been told
he wasn't here.
Gee, I'd love to, but I got my regular
Sunday morning softball game.
And I came by to tell you
it won't happen again.
Up and out this early on a Saturday?
Good for her.
Alan, I gotta tell you,
this is a little awkward...
So let me make you some coffee.
Whenever I come, you do everything
you can to avoid spending time with me.
Charlie, look at me.
- Okay, I'm out of here.
- No, no, wait, Berta.
- Berta, I'm begging you.
- Oh, all right.
Coffee, juice, and my secret stash
of Mint Milanos...
- My wife passed away.
- Oh, I'm so sorry.
- You got kids?
Judith is a wonderful mother.
Come to find out that the money that
I loaned them to open a tanning salon...
- Well, not by heart.
- Why do you hate me?
- Oh, sure. Hi, Evelyn.
- Hello, dear.
Well, yeah. You know, she does become
a little emotional at times, huh?
The trick to that is to always have
some Fun Size Snickers in your pocket.
- Raquel Welch.
- Hey, that's a damn fine film.
Rose, for God's sake,
you're talking to my mother.
- That's what my therapist says.
- Hell, I could've told you that for free.
Thank you for the lovely birthday card.
...why Charlie hates you.
Aired 16 years ago - Sep 20, 2004
Alan learns that Charlie belongs to an exclusive men's group, and he begs his brother to let him join.
How is he your buddy?
You didn't choose him.
Uncle Charlie. And you know
why it's funny? Because it's true.
Do you consider us friends?
Oh, really? Anybody I know?
This is my house.
Those were my friends.
We have to go through this
every time we get together?
All right. How do I say this?
All I wanna do is finish
my Corn Pops and go to sleep.
Flag, drag, hag.
I just need my phone book.
He's our bookie.
Of course, I guess in hindsight,
I should have seen it coming, but...
You just saw him, didn't you?
Trust me, he doesn't get any better.
Oh, really? You and Roz are
at Judith's too. Interesting.
No, no, no, I don't wanna
take it up with her. I...
You know, as long as
we're talking about getting older...
But I'm competing for women
with guys who are way younger.
Let me tell you something
Your brother is your relative, ergo,
your brother is relevant.
Another "rel" word is "relapse."
Well, I'd like to think we are.
Charlie's got some friends over and
I thought I'd give him some space.
...and thought you might
like some company.
Now Alan thinks he can waltz right
in because he's my little brother?
Charlie, you know in your heart
the right thing to do.
You're working on my last nerve.
That, and every so often, sneak into
his bedroom and try on his underwear.
Why don't you take a Beano and come
back to the house and join the group.
It would be inconvenient
for me to return right now.
Cut it out, Rose.
...or do I have to drag you in
by your big, flappy monkey ears?
Coop, what's up with your fixation on
women who resemble Tobey Maguire?
So I'll hang back and
try not to disrupt the flow.
But there is a "shut the hell up" shoe.