Aired 14 years ago - May 18, 2009
Charlie starts to question his relationship with Chelsea when he hears that Mia is back in town. Meanwhile, Judith goes into labor and Charlie, Alan and Herb rush her to the hospital, on the sixth season finale.
- No. No.
- Lauren Conrad?
- So Mia. How'd she look?
- Oh, better than ever.
I mean, was it perfunctory
or was there subtext?
You told her I was engaged?
Why the hell would you do that?
No, I'm not carrying a torch for her.
You're the one who brought her up.
You're leaving out
a lot of extenuating circumstances...
It is good.
I mean, this guy's leading the league
with 11 home runs.
Okay, well, SportsCenter's over.
- Guess so.
- Should I take a message?
No, no. No.
you heard correctly, I am engaged.
Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.
Is this the woman you almost married
in vegas a few years ago?
My boyfriend in high school,
two guys in college and the man I married.
Honey, it was perfectly innocent.
- You know what I mean.
- I hope so.
I'm kind of wet.
- I'm here to pick up Jake.
- Oh, come on in.
No, I say it
with a dull, throbbing pain in my ass.
Guess this will be pretty funny some day.
No, no, no. I'm the father. I'll do it.
I mean, she told my brother
to give me her best.
The thing is...
It's carrying two light beers,
a half a ham sandwich and my thumb.
- Oh, God! Oh, God!
- Focus on me. Remember your breathing.
You're fine. Just keep breathing.
It's okay, dude,
I'm gonna hang here for a while.
Oh, my God, the baby.
Oh, there you are.
Aired 14 years ago - May 11, 2009
Alan and Chelsea become best buds, and Charlie decides to take advantage of the situation.
He's not coming back is he?
Chelsea? It's 7:30.
We gotta get a move on.
...I will wrap that dummy with meat
and throw him in the ocean.
Why are you taking Chelsea
to that farmer's thing?
Yeah, but without sex,
it's a restless sleep.
If you'll excuse me,
I'm gonna join Chelsea in the shower...
I was supposed to...
- You mean like a date?
- No. No, not a date.
Secondly, if you're worried about firmness,
the secret is isometric glute crunches.
- Mailbox open, mailbox closed.
- Mailbox open, mailbox closed.
Alan was just showing me
his butt exercises.
You're staying for dinner?
- How do you figure?
- Do you like to go shopping?
He digs the trench, you lay the pipe.
...with R-E before it,
and I-Z-I-N-G after it...
Let me tell you something.
I like her and we've got a lot in common.
He's using you.
I can do it for you.
- He's the best lover I've ever had.
- Oh, isn't that nice.
Well, obviously, not the same problem.
Jake's head is usually over here.
If you don't give them hugs and a treat,
they're gonna chew up your rug.
- Can I pour you some coffee?
- I would love that.
You gotta quit hitting me
on the head so much.
That's a great idea,
you and Jake come with us.
You're gonna go to the museum
So what, so you're gonna use me
to entertain your fiancée...
But come to find out, it was a blessing.
Of course, I'd have to talk it over
with Chelsea and Alan first.
- What does that mean?
Aired 14 years ago - May 04, 2009
Charlie mourns the loss of his bachelor pad as he reluctantly allows Chelsea to move in. Meanwhile, Alan discovers there is no longer much space left in the house for him.
Oh, come on, who remembers
the names of boats that don't sink?
Chelsea's too smart for your crap.
Not afraid of her moving in, that's easy.
Moving her out's the bitch.
...for a couple of years and by then,
I don't have to do anything, Alan.
- Are you done torturing me?
Alars house key.
I thought about it and you were right.
You work for me, not her.
- I don't get a vote?
- Yeah, you get a vote.
- What was wrong with my shower curtain?
- It didn't match your towels.
You know very well
that's Sir Lancelot's litter box.
Pillows, towels, shower curtains,
- Get a good earful?
Why would I start now?
- How'd you find me?
- Wasrt hard.
- I mean, I tried, I really tried.
- That's true.
I didn't say it wasrt hard for them.
What am I freaking out about? A womars
been living with me for six years.
It's the fancy pillows on the bed,
the fruity towels in the bathroom.
I suggested letting it go.
I didn't even think of that.
...or the pillows, don't you?
The reason you panicked and ran away...
Does the new Charlie
still have the old brother?
...with the kitty-litter box?
That's good, make it her fault.
Right back at you.
And I'm a big, stupid jerk.
Not now, Alan.
I was wondering
how long it was gonna stay there.
Fine, I'll manage somehow.
Son of a bitch.
Aired 14 years ago - Apr 27, 2009
Chelsea is asked by Alan to arrange a blind date between he and her new friend, unaware that her new friend is Rose.
Leave a little mystery.
You are what you are.
and the manicurist,
Well then, I did follow your lead.
"I thought maybe I was in love with her
This isn't about you.
She's pretty, smart, rich...
Boy, take one day off
for a poker tournament
She's the girl.
And horny idiots are perfectly willing
I'm a little worried
they're moving so fast.
Screw it, I'm going home.
Okay, I don't remember all the details
I will never forgive you.
Okay, at first, I was just doing
but Chelsea is clean as a whistle.
You could've used it as a cigar cutter!
"Oh, no, here he comes"
and "Oh good, he's leaving. "
Oh, Jake, thank God.
It was an insult to my intelligence.
Fine, next time, you pick.
So, you have no problem with that?
You didn't call me!
I'm so glad you forgave me for
my little outburst in the car.
No, no, that was fun.
Aired 14 years ago - Apr 13, 2009
Charlie's desperate to make sure Chelsea and Evelyn don't befriend each other following their first meeting.
Disappointed sex is...
Well, we might as well be married.
Give it time, let it happen naturally.
Well, for starters, you'll be the only one.
Any insight you gain into me
via my mother...
...as long as we've been going out,
I've never met your mother.
- I'll throw in Alan and a couple of steaks.
Can you just wake up enough
so it's not weird?
The previous owner
had a spectacular view...
All right, get back to me.
or any part of my life.
Yes, we are. Is that a problem?
Yeah, and I have no hangover.
The fact remains, had I overlooked that...
Massive coronary in Brentwood.
She's been through so much.
She's a real survivor.
Never mind about my mother.
All right, but don't come
rubbing up against me in the night.
...your failures: Work, marriage,
and parenthood. She'll connect the dots.
Isn't it time we forgive and forget?
Pay off your car?
T is for the traitor who's my brother
It's gotta burn like hell.
Pleasure was mine.
It's nice to be appreciated for a change.
- What plans?
- Oh, for God sake, can't you just play along?
...and have descended
to a depth of 60 fathoms.
Do you know where Charlie is?
We're supposed to be at your mother's at 7.
I return to the deep.
Aired 14 years ago - Mar 30, 2009
After Chelsea discovers a nude picture of another woman on Charlie's cell phone, he blows off steam by going out for a night of drinking with Alan, Herb and his neighbor.
- She doesn't know.
So long. I'm gonna miss you.
I had my suspicions, but I wasrt sure.
You ever think we're both doomed
to grow old alone and unloved?
- Were you sleeping with this girl?
- No, no. She just sent me a few pictures.
They don't like the idea that you're
mentally replacing them with someone else.
...we can go ice-skating.
There's nothing questionable about it.
She's my mother, Herb.
I want her here when I have the baby.
Hi, Dad. Bye, Mom. Good luck, Herb.
All right, I've ordered your pizza.
I'm going home.
...to stick your tongue
in the mouth of a 60-year-old woman.
The old business?
There's my water-polo league,
the guys down at the model-train shop.
Right, the two-finger rule.
- She pretty?
- She's gorgeous and smart and popular.
I don't have to. I know her father.
Uh, because we're not allowed to smoke
in the house?
Herb, make sure you use an ashtray
and a coaster.
Why is that funny?
And after the baby's born,
there will be even less.
Really? Just talk, right?
I've been asking myself the same thing.
Yeah. Before your daughter starts dating,
um, bulk up.
Oh, college, freshman year.
I was kind of a geek in high school.
First sexual experience
that was not traditional intercourse.
- Come on, we're all friends. Who was it?
- Your wife.
- His wife left him.
- Hey, Gordon.
- Oh, right.
- Oh, yes.
Okay, I'm out of here.
Aired 14 years ago - Mar 16, 2009
Chelsea's illness gives Charlie a chance to prove he can take care of her, but also yearning to run away from the situation.
ANNoUNCER Coming up next
on Turner Classic Movies:
What do you want from me?
I'm not a big phlegm fan.
This is what it's all about,
being there for her no matter what.
An opportunity to show her
that she can depend on you...
You mean it?
- Nice necklace.
- Why, what's the problem?
- She's nine.
Boy, as soon as I get my license,
I am so out of here.
Not sure. Cold, flu.
You know they can be prevented
by using a condom.
Would you mind going
to the drugstore for me?
...something for canker sores
and wet wipes.
You're really being wonderful
about all this, Charlie.
And that's not just
the oxyContin talking.
Here. I'll give you the kid stuff.
A dam for every river...
This will handle anything
from a little drizzle to a monsoon.
No. No. Why would I be mad at you?
Can you go over to my place and get me
some clean clothes and feed Sir Lancelot?
You got to scoop out the poop
and put in fresh litter.
Oh, yeah, that's what I had.
Because I just chugged
a half a bottle of codeine...
Now I just gotta feed the damn cat.
...he'd just crap in the toilet
instead of a litter box.
I'm thinking sooner or later Chelsea's
gonna wanna move in with me.
We're on the air with codeine and bourbon.
Go ahead caller.
Oh, Alan, if you'd seen and heard
the things I have in the last 24 hours...
I'll never be able to watch
the kid pull on a sweater again.
Oh, this is not a kitty cat.
- You need some more orange juice?
- No, thank you.
- You think?
- Are you kidding?
Just remember, when it comes to nurturing,
Charlie's like a dog playing the piano.
Aired 14 years ago - Mar 09, 2009
Charlie's admission that he's in love with Chelsea gets a surprising reaction from her
But you've obviously
become more sensitive.
...it usually ends with them tossing a lit
road flare through your bedroom window.
I'm sorry, Alan, but not being drowned
or burned by the woman I love...
No, no, no. It's too late for excuses.
All right, Charlie, you've made your point.
Now tell me what happened.
This process isn't really about
me guessing, Charlie.
You don't need medication, Charlie.
The guy who first walked
into this office...
Okay, I really don't like it
when you give me the "huh. "
It's even better if she doesn't feel it...
I got a nephew in junior high.
- So you really told her you loved her?
The day you stopped manipulating
and conning women.
Well, I'm not, and as you well know,
this is an uphill battle for me...
Check this out.
Let's see her not say "I love you" now.
What else have you lied to me about?
...and I'll have a cab
take the lady home...
Here she comes. Go get the champagne.
Yes, you did. You said, "Thank you. "
You were very courteous.
- Every night with you is a special occasion.
- I'm going to miss you, sir.
- Oh, my God, are you all right?
- I'm not sure.
I was gonna propose, and I had no idea
you'd chug it like a Jell-o shot.
When Jake was little, he swallowed nickels.
Nothing bad happened.
I ruined the moment?
- I don't know what to say.
- Say you love me and you'll marry me.
No, no, no, I meant
"so that we can be even closer. "
Boy, this keeps getting
more and more romantic.
Aired 14 years ago - Mar 02, 2009
Charlie has to remove a half-naked woman from his bedroom before Chelsea arrives.
Yeah, that was lame.
...that penises do not observe
a traditional mourning period.
...and now, suddenly,
you have time for us?
A movie would be fine.
...with the reserved seats
and the jumbo kosher hot dogs?
Blond, busty and bombed?
Around here, that's familiar.
That's what I figured.
I just wanted a second opinion.
Oh, come on,
that was funnier than "Rated 'Arrrgh. "'
Oh, please. You're in a committed
relationship with a wonderful woman.
See, him, I understand.
Come on, come on,
let's get you into bed.
- Is that so?
- Yeah, we were lucky.
You know what?
I gotta check on something.
Crap, crap, crap.
Wanda, don't take this the wrong way,
but you gotta get the hell out of here.
So the car's a time machine?
Are you not listening?
I've got an emergency here.
So, what do you expect us to do?
I meant, "Wow, what a predicament. "
Why don't you put
a chloroform-soaked handkerchief...
- What difference does it make?
- I like feet.
- Come on, let's get her out of here.
- Charlie, you're going too... oh, oof.
What a sleazeball.
Can I get you something to drink?
...and he's my nephew,
and isn't that enough?
I'm taking out the trash.
I could have said 50, couldn't I?
What if Jake comes back?
What's the point of doing it
if I can't tell?
Come on, let's finish this upstairs.
- Is the trash out?
- About what?
Then when you get to...
What the hell is your problem?
Aired 14 years ago - Feb 09, 2009
Charlie ends up in couples counseling.
It's not that you don't know,
it's that you don't care.
What did you do,
bring out the handcuffs too early?
Ahem, if a woman stormed out on me
after sex, would you go away?
Her cat's name or which of her body parts
you can't sneak up on?
Where does she come from?
It's cute, huh?
Have something else.
What am I gonna do with frozen peas?
Oh, and this one girl I've been seeing
pretty regularly decided to dump me.
She's beautiful, sexy,
Who can understand a womars mind?
She'd come over a couple times a week.
You have a choice here.
No, thanks, I had a hot-fudge sundae
I just wanted to see you,
see how you're doing.
- Nothing, nothing.
- I can't get away with anything.
- It occurred to me.
- Well, clearly you don't know me...
Oh, uh, did I say Davenport, Iowa?
Oh, and just a friendly heads-up...
...while she snips off your testicles,
reaches up inside your chest cavity...
...while your life goes down
Oh, no, no, no.
I'm the perfect guy to ask.
- Hi, sweetie.
- You're late.
So you don't want
this bottle of champagne?
Why don't we start out with
why we're here and what our goals are?
Charlie, before you got here,
Chelsea mentioned that she feels...
Would you be willing to commit to Chelsea
that maybe once a week, twice a month...
...every fiber of my body
is screaming, "No!"
...because I'm crazy about her.
Charlie, can I give you my opinion
as your therapist?
Anyway, you need to know
that you mean everything to me...
Aired 14 years ago - Feb 02, 2009
Melissa doesn't think Alan's family appreciates him, so she asks him to move in with her and her mom.
...I'd guess she earns her living
baking cookies in a hollow tree.
And that's not all.
She wants me to help with a party.
Okay, I won't. From now on.
Go back to what you were planning,
uh, uh... Doing, uh. Whatever.
- It's his birthday.
We don't, uh...
We don't have to go out to dinner...
Of course it's just us.
Who else would it be?
This is so nice.
My family are a bunch of thoughtless,
selfish butt wipes.
Oh, uh... Listen, are you gonna be
cutting the cake soon?
Let him write his own speech.
Sorry I'm late. I was burning a fatty
with one of the busboys in the parking lot.
All right. Uh...
Berta, why don't you get the ball rolling?
And now here we are, six years later.
I have pictures of myself
dressed in a forest ranger's uniform...
Uh, who's next? Evelyn?
...you were always the good son.
Anyway, I guess
what I'm trying to say is...
- You people are horrible.
- No, honey, it's okay.
- Come on, Alan. We're leaving.
- Really? Before the cake?
...so maybe I wasrt
an official forest ranger.
I shaved for this?
Tough times, Charlie.
Alan? No, he didn't come home.
Did you not notice when you finally came
out of the toilet that your father was gone?
...someplace where I, I'm nurtured
It is beautiful, isn't it?
God forbid my family should notice.
A little herb garden.
...and he'll grow into some
Oh, and it's got those little marshmallows.
I love those.
No one's ever said that to me before.
Aired 14 years ago - Jan 19, 2009
Judith is pregnant with a baby girl and Alan is convinced he is the father.
You have a nice break
till the, uh, old hemorrhoids come a-calling.
- Yes, we did.
- Read my lips. We did not have sex.
I didn't notice that on the stencils.
Yeah, well, that's not how it turned out.
Then when they reconciled,
Herb nailed Judith.
maybe neither one of you is the father.
That's just ridiculous.
Judith won't even eat Mexican food.
I would've dropped him off
at an orphanage...
Oh, right, play the money card.
That's all you got.
Ooh, I'm scared.
Oh, come on. Come on, uh, sit down.
You'll like it.
Never have I felt a love so grand
- Herb doesn't need any help, Alan.
It's like nine kinds of suck
in an eight-suck bag.
You couldn't really do that.
- Okay, what the hell's wrong with you?
In fact, I know exactly how you feel.
My mom's second child ruined my life.
...later on they move into your guest room
with their kid and never leave.
So if it's not the baby, then why have you
been such a dillweed lately?
- Herb, can you get the cookies for me?
- Oh, sure.
If not for me, our little girl would be
surrounded by metaphorical pony peni.
Because my stupid uncle won't let me.
- Hi there.
- Gotta go.
...like I give a rat's ass
about your social life.
- I can't tell you. It's embarrassing.
- Okay, okay.
- Oh, please. How old are your friends?
- Same age as me.
But for a guy like you,
the truth can be a powerful tool.
That I don't know what I'm doing?
"I'm new at this and I'm trusting you
to be patient with me. "
- Thanks, Uncle Charlie.
- No problem, buddy.
All right, we're agreed on a Montessori
preschool, but what about child care?
- What demons?
- Oh, ah, well, it's no biggie.
oh, dear God, what the hell happened?
...we found her face down in a bowl
of Häagen-Dazs with Percocets in her hair.
...but he was never the same after that.
- How's it going in here?
- Oh, honey. Good news.
Aired 14 years ago - Jan 12, 2009
Charlie and Jake fight for the affections of a waitress, while Alan fights sexual tension with his receptionist.
The itsy-bitsy spider
who climbed up my waterspout?
Just a little kissing,
and she could feel my enthusiasm.
And you never bang a woman
who owns a snake or a bird.
- What happened?
- What do you think happened?
It may seem like fun and games
at the beginning...
I'd rather forget I ever heard it.
Thank God for scoliosis, ha, ha.
There's nothing wrong with that.
It's a beautiful thing. It's... It's natural.
Oh, good. Good. I'm glad, ha, ha.
Then why do you call it Brenda?
So if anybody asks,
you're a homely lesbian.
- This is my nephew, Jake.
- Hey, Jake.
The other day he ate a handful
of packing peanuts.
Uh, Mom, this is my boss, Dr. Harper.
I just want you to know that I have
nothing but respect your daughter.
Well, come on in,
I'm watching Hellboy.
- You are a great cook.
- And you are a cutie pie.
Maybe take a cab home.
Thank you, that'd be great.
Sit down, you little bastard.
Just like popping out
a Ping-Pong ball. Ha, ha.
I'm sorry, honey.
I'm sorry about that.
Don't mind me.
The best part of a root beer float:
Your burps taste good.
What do you wanna bet he falls asleep
in the car and I have to carry him in?
What? Stop that. He's kidding.
I never hit him. Tell her you're kidding.
Aired 14 years ago - Dec 15, 2008
Charlie finds himself re-examining his wild ways when an old friend dies and begins to feel that his time on Earth may be drawing to a close.
So, uh, did you know him?
...keels over and dies?
It's gotta give you pause.
Could be as simple as a cashmere robe...
is still very thoughtful.
Here, I got you something
I think you're really gonna like.
Whoa, don't get your period.
Jeez, you need to relax.
You'll give yourself a heart attack.
I don't know about the best,
but it's sure the hardest.
Oh, Charlie, what a beautiful watch.
...and did it out of the goodness
of your heart.
I'm not drunk. I just, uh...
I don't know how "worn down to a nub"
can be fine, but all right.
Good afternoon and welcome.
Don't get a guy like this for me.
A time to heal...
JoNES: I'd like to take this moment...
- Yeah. Standing room only.
You can drink all you want, no hangover.
To be completely honest...
That being said, there are many people
here today who did know Charlie...
Ah, at which point, of course,
he would see a doctor.
...for a wake-slash-luau
at my Malibu beach house.
That'll be an extra $500.
What's the point of it all?
A few stupid jingles, some kids' songs,
nothing that really matters.
Oh, for God's sake, Charlie,
I am tired of listening to this.
You can't see the forest for the trees...
If you're not too busy
maybe we could get together...
Yeah, it was a real wake-up call for me.
You know how I feel about you, right?
That's had ups and downs too.
...I know this is kind of sudden, but...
Aired 14 years ago - Dec 08, 2008
Evelyn offers to pay for Jake's college education, and Alan becomes listless because he has no compelling reason to work anymore, while Jake discovers a hidden talent in the culinary arts that may allow him to bypass college altogether.
Mo... Mom, I cannot tell you
how much I appreciate this.
I don't know.
But if you wanna get inside her head...
And bingo-bango, Mom finally gets
to put a second story on her house.
Is it really?
For your self-respect?
Because you're creeping me out.
...they think you're my young aunt.
A used police car.
All right, then I'll see you in an hour.
It's my own fault.
- What can I say?
...uh, she enjoys a little spanking
Could you cross your arms, please?
Hey, you know, I feel better.
Oh, my God.
Our plans? Are you going too?
Because that changes everything.
...but keep in mind...
what makes you think you'd flunk out?
Okay, maybe I wasrt clear enough.
Lot of great discoveries are accidents,
like Thomas Edison and the telephone.
...what you are talking about
is becoming a chef...
Know what I could drive if I was a chef?
The oscar Meyer Weinermobile.
Look, I'm sorry.
Anyway, this sandwich
has heirloom tomatoes...
You're making potato chips?
Cool. I'll go get the chips
and we'll talk about cars.
The... The wind, the sky, the surf.
This rat has quit the race.
Well, I have kind of an existential
philosophy that shapes my outlook.
Sorry, I don't follow.
It's never had anything to do with Jake.
She's trying to kill you.
I don't know. Why do I wanna kill you?
about someone else's well-being.
Aired 14 years ago - Nov 24, 2008
Charlie finds himself in an uncomfortable position when Jake takes off with the daughter of a former NFL player. Charlie's Mercedes proves a boon to Alan's love life.
Recover sunglasses. Check.
You come get your Uncle Charlie.
- They making s'mores on the barbecue?
Why don't you go over there
and introduce yourself?
I don't know. Try saying hello.
Wait till you turn. You'll feel like
you have to pee while you're still peeing.
Ten, 12 years later she comes to her
senses, leaves you, takes all your stuff,
We live next door. Right, Jake?
We just came by to welcome
you to the neighborhood.
- You know what his nickname was, Jake?
- Honey, show him where it is.
- Come on, Jake.
I just came by to say hello.
Can you get me a sky box?
Hey, Dad, would it be all right if
Jake and I take a walk on the beach?
That boy touches my daughter,
I'm going to be touching you.
Clip, ping, clip, ping!
Well, uh, looks like I'm all done here.
Or, uh, maybe I could take
you out for a nice lunch.
Let me give Jake a call,
see what's keeping 'em.
Yo, bitch, I'm gonna slap you up
I spend most of my time
out at the beach house.
So, now that we're here,
what do you want to do?
Oh, excuse me.
So, uh, what's the problem?
He's great. Probably
having the time of his life.
Actually, I think it's chiffon.
I'm a big, ol' cross-dresser.
Jake is harmless.You don't
have a thing to worry about,
But I do know what it's like to
exploit women with daddy issues.
Oh, yeah, baby. It's always
been one of my fantasies.
Why am I not surprised?
Oh, man, I'm sorry.
Oh, yeah, Grl Zrbnck.
Come on. Come on. Let's get you home.
And it will show your
daughter that you trust her.
Aired 14 years ago - Nov 17, 2008
Charlie's new girlfriend Chelsea asks him to spend the night at her place, which puts Charlie well outside of his comfort zone, while Alan tries to enforce a punishment on Jake initiated by Judith for mooning a group of girls.
That's gotta be like 45 minutes
And trees have that, you know,
toxic syrup that drips out of them...
We've been seeing each other
for almost a month.
I know, I know. Just double checking.
- So you just got the one?
- How many do I need?
So I usually sleep on my left side...
Well, I'm sorry, but this is my side.
Boy, you're being pretty inflexible.
What if he comes through the window?
You don't have to sneak out.
If you wanna leave, leave.
Just because I drive to Malibu
every night for a month...
What are you talking about?
Couches, floors, witness boxes,
police cars, jail cells.
After I had my morning coffee,
where would I go to do my business?
Ever wonder about people
who can poop in a gas station?
- With your tongue?
- Pretty cool, huh?
No, uh, when I was his age,
you pantsed me in front of the girls' choir.
Here's your overnight bag.
One handheld Tv, your goose-down pillow,
Egyptian-cotton pillowcase and sheets...
That's because you've never applied
a thin layer to your hindquarters.
You wanna grab the other side?
I'll just sleep with my head down there.
Oh, before I forget.
- What the hell?
- Can I have some privacy, please?
Aired 14 years ago - Nov 10, 2008
Alan tries to get away from Judith. Meanwhile, Charlie and Herb go out on the town.
Aired 14 years ago - Nov 03, 2008
When Judith kicks Herb to the curb, Alan comes knocking; Jake is sent to stay with a less-than-willing Charlie for three months during Judith's meltdown.
Don't take the leaving part
away from me, Alan.
Can we get chili burgers?
- Oh, like you're not curious.
Now he's got the moral high ground.
...she's been blaming me
for the failure of our marriage and now...
Uh, I'm sure if we all pull together,
you'll hardly notice.
- Oh, hey, Herb.
- Judith asked me to drop this off for Jake.
Oh. Hard to believe you're coming up
on your second anniversary.
Uh, gee, Herb, uh, something you should
know about the headphones...
Judith and I are kind of ebbing.
What my testicle-challenged brother
Women like Judith respond to strength
I'm here for you, big guy.
- Why aren't you in school?
- I'm sick.
...but that's one kid that can't afford
to miss a single day at school.
Why didn't you leave him home?
Will he play the violin again?
I'm not giving you the keys.
Oh, gee, Herb, that wasrt so much advice
as, you know, social satire.
I mean, uh, why chew on one chicken wing
when you can eat from the whole bucket?
Throat's not sore anymore?
We do not leave our shoes on the...
Alan, staple guns don't staple shoes
to coffee tables, idiots do.
I don't know.
Apparently, about a week ago.
You must be devastated.
Wouldrt it be great
if he could learn that way?
Oh, no reason.
I just, uh, enjoy seeing the big galoot.
Our marriage is over.
So, uh, you fishing here,
or can I throw my bobber in the water?
And three stops later, voilà.
I'm having a tall pain in the ass.
I know, I know.
And soon you're gonna be 41.
...but you're still a very desirable woman.
It's like with an ugly house,
a little shrubbery helps the curb appeal.
Aired 14 years ago - Oct 20, 2008
Charlie tries to help Jake's former teacher, who became a stripper after dating him, but things go from bad to worse when she has a religious conversion.
...who shot your ass up
full of novocaine?
Remember the girl from the salon who tried
to shoot you with a bow and arrow?
And whenever a dental hygienist drops
a quarter never bend over to pick it up?
Alan, let me ask you something.
She said that I ruined her life.
...who had a nervous breakdown,
lost her job...
At long last realizing that your actions
have consequences for other people.
Wait up, I'll drive.
I've never understood why this isn't
in the olympics and synchronized diving is.
Because this is a bikini club.
So anyway, I just wanted to tell you
that I'm really sorry for the way I ended it.
Are you gonna get me my house back?
...we'll have to start renting him out
as a speed bump.
Oh, thank you. Thank you.
Well, who am I to judge?
If you wanna find out
how much you can earn per hour...
Good for you. That's a good start.
He's not exactly the quicker picker-upper.
Well, you've given me back something
I lost a long time ago.
No, and I don't intend to. I just wanna see
you get your life together again.
It suddenly became clear to me
why you came back into my life.
I really don't think he'd send me.
Uh... Uh, Miss Pasternak, while I'm thrilled
you're helping Jake with his schoolwork...
Ah, thanks for the invite,
but, uh, Sunday is kind of our "me" day.
Isn't this a beautiful little church,
Aired 14 years ago - Oct 13, 2008
Alan is sure that things will turn bad when Charlie starts dating his receptionist.
- Nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you too.
There's no reason to thank me
for the ride again, Alan.
She's, uh... She's a terrific employee.
She does my scheduling, my books.
- Bye, Melissa.
- Bye, Charlie.
Oh, that is so sweet of you.
I wonder if she's anatomically correct.
The Smurf is my receptionist.
Which is why me and Charlie have always
kept everything strictly professional.
Well, kudos, bro. You did a great job.
...uh, you're gonna leave her with memories
that can only be erased...
...your budding man boobs,
but that's just off the top of my head.
Why is it always about you?
Let her get to know me, have something
in common before we jump into bed.
...bond emotionally and then, and only then,
take it to the next level.
But Charlie is so sweet and special.
Again, none of my business.
You do. Would you like a slice?
I can put butter and jelly on it.
I'm gonna take a shower.
Hit the road in about 20 minutes?
...but in just one night, that little pixie
has melted this cold, lonely heart.
You may not believe me,
but there is something going on here.
I gotta tell you,
I am just crazy about your brother.
Fluttering through life, hard to pin down.
And I'm gonna need a little extra time
for lunch today.
It's not what it looks like.
Charlie's doing her, not me.
If you're not comfortable leaving Jake here
for the weekend, then take him home.
- Can I have their chicken?
- Knock yourself out.
Fine. Fine, then I do remember when
he was hitting your fifth-grade teacher.
Ah, uh, well, pal, um, the thing is, um...
You are just a selfish son of a bitch...
I thought it might take longer
than 48 hours, but I knew it.
It comes from a long history
of you using my life as a specimen cup.
Aired 14 years ago - Oct 06, 2008
Alan, Jake, and Charlie all decide to try new things: Alan is dating more than one woman, Charlie learns to cook, and Jake experiments with beer.
Okay, maybe I'm a
little late to the party.
Lights out at fat camp, a
jelly bean is steak tartar.
You know, hittin' two
pinatas with one stick?
These are divorced Valley moms trolling for
a new schmuck to replace the old schmuck.
Drizzle thy frosting on the
divorced sticky buns of the Valley.
Those chefs on TV act like they're
curing leprosy or something.
try hangin' outside a liquor store and look for a
guy wearing house slippers and talking to himself.
The fact that your opinion
means less than squat to me.
Well, it's like this: Alcohol is for people
who can afford to lose a few brain cells.
- Whatcha doing?
- Cooking breakfast.
I Don't know. I... thought
I'd expand my horizons a bit.
Uh, uh, the thing is, uh, I already made plans,
uh, with my, uh, you know, son, who I love dearly.
- Eat pizza.
- And eat pizza.
Uh, okay, uh, uh, great, great.
Good. I-I'll see you then. Okay, bye.
Why does it smell like bourbon?
A little too much egg.
Yeah, well, people grow, people change.
Speaking of lies--
The point is, you need to be careful.
can date several women at the same
time, I'm quite certain I can handle two.
so you and I can spend
the whole weekend in bed.
Uh, you know, uh, I'll have to check, but I-I-I
think Saturday is a-a working Saturday for me.
That's one I wouldn't mind owning.
How are you? Are you with a
girl? Does she have big ones?
We'll talk about that later.
Do you have to go?
It's a pretzel. You want some?
He said the government
stole his kidneys.
I know. For a cheap guy, he
can be surprisingly generous.
Listen, my mom still thinks I'm studying at Gabe's
house, so I don't think I should go home at this time.
- Nope, false alarm.
- Wait for it.
Remove your shoes and place them in the bag,
then seal it and put it back in the trunk.
I'm a one-woman man and,
baby, you're that woman.
Your body is also telling
you that alcohol is poison.
Aired 14 years ago - Sep 29, 2008
Charlie borrowed money from Alan and on the day he is supposed to pay him back, Alan goes to ask Charlie for the money. He again finds Charlie in bed with a beautiful woman. After Charlie shoos him out and assures him he'll get the money for him
later that day, the woman asks if Charlie is really out of cash and Charlie tells her not to worry, that he has plenty of hooker money.
You never go out to have fun. Because
you know why? You're not a fun guy.
If it had been 40,
we'd be wrestling, my friend.
Oh, Charlie, you say the sweetest things.
That's only because
you're on douchebag savings time.
You really out of cash?
...that were a year old if they were a day,
thank you very much.
- Okay, you'll pay me back.
- Count on it.
Oh, grow up.
She's not gonna pay me back.
Well, truth be told,
I was gonna pay you back...
You owe me 1 million dollars.
How the hell did a quarter tank of gas
...thereby compensating me
for the $38 you owe me?
Just for grins, say,
"Help me. My head's on fire. "
...you had only $ 13 and 22 cents won'th
in your tank.
No, no, no.
"Might" implies you have a choice.
...until I find a place of my own.
- Fine. Good luck.
- So where are you gonna stay till then?
- Pie hole, Herb.
- Oh, you can't do that.
- Pie hole, pie hole, pie hole.
...till he gets back on his feet.
I guess he grinds his teeth at night.
I myself have restless leg syndrome.
...while he's sitting on the toilet.
Uh, guest bedroom's right down there.
Nobody's talking to you.
- His what?
- He's a model-train aficionado.
- Herb can play with his trains alone.
This is so beautiful.
So it's not a matter of
"the grass always seems greener"?
- You're not gonna answer it?
...she actually let me put my train set
in her back room.
Aired 15 years ago - Sep 22, 2008
In the 6th season opener, Charlie runs into an ex-girlfriend (Rena Sofer) and a child who bears a striking resemblance to Charlie.
- I heard it. Ahem.
What difference does it make?
- Why? What's wrong?
- My battery died.
...and whiskey breath,
but I'm guessing he'll grow into that.
I'm confused. Where do the galoshes go?
- That's not true.
- The hell it isn't.
So? You showed up at my door
with a 10-year-old...
Look, I told you, Charlie,
I'm giving you the best bulk rate I can.
And I appreciate it.
But that's not what I was asking about.
Well, there are a number of things
to factor in.
...there's always gonna be flaws
in the process.
Okay. Okay, so bottom line,
what you're saying is...
...but not one penny in child support.
- It's kind of a cute story. She was...
- I don't wanna hear it.
Maybe your little bastard
would like a Wiffle-ball bat.
- No, I am not.
- What's going on?
They should put it in big letters
right on the reservoir tip.
I'm not sure Hallmark
has a "deadbeat dad" section.
- Uh, laundry room.
- Thanks. I over-wiped.
Hey, I'm gonna need a mop too.
- Hey, Jake?
- Don't worry, it's all cleaned up.
Oh, yeah, and a tangerine.
That's what killed me.
You have different women here
practically every night.
- I mean, another cousin.
- What do I need another cousin for?
Well, I was in the neighborhood.
I thought I'd stop by and say hello...
But the guy that usually sells roses at
the freeway on-ramp switched to oranges...
Charlie, you don't have to worry
Boy, you miss one health class...
- Jake, language.
- Yeah, language, math.
Well, it... It turns out that there are flaws
in every manufacturing process...
Lucky you. If I were her,
I'd have owned half this house...
Well, easy for you to say
now that you've dodged the bullet.
And clearly you've done a great job
raising Chuck on your own.