S1 E1
Status
Ended
Network
CBS
SEASON
VIEW ALL EPISODE

Season 1  "Pilot (Most Chicks Won't Eat Veal)"  1x1

Aired 18 years ago - Sep 22, 2003

Charlie's life turns upside down when his brother and nephew move in; at the supermarket, Charlie discovers he can use 10-year-old Jake to attract women.

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Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 1 (S01E01) - 2
You brought your own sheets?
#2
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 1 (S01E01) - 3
by the San Fernando Valley Chiropractic Association.
#3
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 1 (S01E01) - 4
and sometimes in the middle of the day, for no reason at all,
#4
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 1 (S01E01) - 5
Good night, Monkey Man.
#5
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 1 (S01E01) - 6 #6 Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 1 (S01E01) - 7
If it makes you feel bad, why do you drink it?
#7
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 1 (S01E01) - 8
Now, what I think you need to do is to make a list.
#8
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 1 (S01E01) - 9 #9 Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 1 (S01E01) - 10 #10 Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 1 (S01E01) - 11 #11 Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 1 (S01E01) - 12
When I was your age, I could only dream about my parents splitting up.
#12
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 1 (S01E01) - 13 #13 Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 1 (S01E01) - 14
Well, with us.
#14
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 1 (S01E01) - 15 #15 Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 1 (S01E01) - 16 #16 Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 1 (S01E01) - 17
Why would I be happy? It's just milk.
#17
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 1 (S01E01) - 18
I want Maple Loops.
#18
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 1 (S01E01) - 19
- You two are really good together. - Thank you.
#19
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 1 (S01E01) - 20 #20 Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 1 (S01E01) - 21 #21 Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 1 (S01E01) - 22
Housekeeper /actress/hand model.
#22
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 1 (S01E01) - 23 #23 Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 1 (S01E01) - 24 #24 Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 1 (S01E01) - 25 #25 Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 1 (S01E01) - 26
She said she was your maid.
#26
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 1 (S01E01) - 27 #27 Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 1 (S01E01) - 28 #28 Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 1 (S01E01) - 29
I'm here to help your brother through a very difficult time.
#29
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 1 (S01E01) - 30 #30 Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 1 (S01E01) - 31
You and Jake will come live with me.
#31
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- Alan... - And you were right.
#34
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- Whose deal is it? - Jake, go to bed!
#40
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 1 (S01E01) - 41 #41 Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 1 (S01E01) - 42
I don't need to lighten up. The world I live in is dark.
#42
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 1 (S01E01) - 43 #43 Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 1 (S01E01) - 44
My dad says we're moving to Grandma's tomorrow.
#44
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 1 (S01E01) - 45
He loves you more than anything in the world.
#45
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 1 (S01E01) - 46 #46 Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 1 (S01E01) - 47
Yeah. Okay.
#47
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 1 (S01E01) - 48
Charlie, I haven't seen you in two weeks.
#48
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 1 (S01E01) - 49
Do you ever think about having kids?
#49
Recap of Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 1 (S01E01) - 50
Hi, Monkey Man.
#50