Aired 45 years ago - Mar 02, 1974
A classic episode in which Colonel Flagg and another secret agent from another intelligence agency come to the 4077th to keep their eyes on one another and the camp. Hawkeye and Trapper trick them both into thinking that Burns is a traitor - one thinks he's a fascist, the other thinks he's a communist. Vinny Pratt, a friend of Trapper's turns up.
Colonel, I want to talk to you
in private, without the corporal.
That damn chopper crash may have ruined
a very sensitive mission.
And don't use "Louise."
I'll need that next week in Tokyo.
I mean, I, uh... Gee, could...
could I just look at the cards again?
You'll never know what hit you.
You've been giving the wall
a physical again, Radar?
No, really. I heard him
tell Colonel Blake to keep it quiet,
- Something in short supply here.
Well, that's what
I'm here to find out...
There must be something pretty big
cooking here for them to send Flagg.
Well, then I'm Captain Stone.
My people wanna know
what Flagg's people are up to.
Full cooperation, Colonel.
the electric blanket control
in Room 312 was a microphone.
We've got files on people
who haven't been born yet.
- Tell Captain Stone I'll see him next.
My name is not Flagg.
Ask your C.O. It's Carter.
- Hmm. Probably.
- I'm not leaving till I find out what.
"Mary had a little lamb. Stop.
I hate to tell you this, Mary,
but your dog has fleas.
- Then you're the only one.
- Go, son.
A lot you care.
Corps of Engineers believes that
army hospitals can not only be mobile...
That's true. I was among those
who said this hospital would never fly.
- That's right.
- Oh, yeah.
It's called breaking and entering.
I think I can trust you. I'm...
He's an engineer. You're crazy, buddy.
just because they showed off
by saving more lives.
Not a whole lot, sir.
He said he was gonna
shove nickels up my nose.
Burns, get up! Let's go, mister!
What for, for heaven's sake?
Aired 45 years ago - Feb 23, 1974
The arrival of a new batch of mail leaves Trapper depressed, and thinking of desertion, despite Hawkeye's efforts to dissuade him. Meanwhile, Hawkeye learns that he has successfully tricked Frank into buying stocks in a fictitious company, Pioneer Aviation.
The topping is about two inches
of frosting, and that cake
is as light as air.
Here's a vet bill.
Two hundred and thirty-six dollars
for treating a fifteen-year-old cat.
I knew you'd understand.
- [Continues Mumbling]
- He got a letter written in "mumble."
We're thinking of chasing only
drinking women. Eliminates one process.
If you had any brains, you'd know
war always increases stock prices.
My great-grandfather, Tombstone
Pierce, made his fortune selling
whiskey and hors d'oeuvres...
Oh, go soak your head.
- How can you be sure he'll find it?
- Quite simple. I'll hide it.
Come in, Major Burns.
I sent away for these sheer hose
and these spike heels...
- Mrs. Frank Burns.
but to be rich, you've got to be
a lot "weller" than only "well,"
no matter how swell "well" is.
and you can see
what each little toe is up to.
- Sir, Corporal Klinger wants to see you.
- Oh, no. Not Klinger.
It's a letter from my mother.
"If he knew I was writing
to you, he'd be very angry.
"are making the paper soggy
and hard to write on.
Father dying last year.
Older sister dying
and mother pregnant.
Yes, sir. I don't deserve
to be in the army.
It's almost as nice
as the socks she knitted,
one of which I use as a sleeping bag.
Please sell all my assets and buy
all the Pioneer stock you can.
[Objects Clattering To Floor]
Yes, sir. I'll get on it
first thing tomorrow morning.
Back there, it's 1:00 yesterday morning.
Everyone's gone to bed and said,
Okay. I think
I got a bead on it.
at market, regardless of cost.
- Thank you, sir.
- You got 50 cents change?
- ## [Off-Key Playing Continues]
- Is something troubling you, my son?
Not to share their growing up.
Sounds serious, Radar.
- A girl, right?
- Oh, she's terrific.
and a surgeon, to boot.
"Now that we've exchanged pictures
and general info,
Well, wait... No. You gotta know.
I mean, she wants to know my feelings,
I'm a Communist, an atheistic,
Marxist, card-carrying, uh...
That's your problem, Klinger.
I've got a desk full of my own. Out!
I'll cover you
with furs, perfume, earrings.
I'll buy you French handmade bloomers!
Don't you realize? If there's a divorce,
she gets half of everything.
Margaret, I can't bid
against the United States Army.
"of the color of my hair
and real length.
Aired 45 years ago - Feb 16, 1974
Burns tries to slap a dishonorable discharge on a decorated soldier who admits to being a homosexual, Private Weston. Weston: "Two guys got beaten up in my outfit. One colored, the other homosexual. As you can see, Doc., I'm not colored."
Who are they
to remind us of happiness?
- Yeah, I'll take another cup.
- Looked like somebody
used him for batting practice.
- We're all out.
Well, that certainly explains
all the noise at night.
Everything's under control. We're having
a consultation about medical needs.
Why, he really
fries my butt.
- It really makes me see red.
- Yes, sir.
I like mine
through the boot.
I charge extra for 12.
- Its option's been picked up.
- But there's no question
that I will be back?
I've watched you around the hospital.
and one homosexual.
And you wanna go back
to that outfit?
- You won't say anything about our talk?
Can you get tennis elbow from checkers?
Weston. The one with contusions.
Whenever he went to the bathroom
or conquered a country.
Know what they also say?
- We already whitewashed
the fence, Aunt Polly.
Is this person a well-stacked
U.S. Army major nurse...
- "One of those," Frank?
- Which one of those "thoses"
do you mean, Frank?
- I'm also an American.
- All right. You're an American surgeon.
He'll be gone in a couple of days.
Well, even a powder puff
can get lucky... sometimes.
following today's training film
on trench foot.
- I was talking to the major, Captain.
- You talk to the captain.
Why wasn't I informed?
I am head nurse.
- Frank, I don't understand.
- Private Weston is sick, diseased.
Frank had the duty roster
changed because his pulse...
he'll get the dishonorable discharge
- How do I sound?
- Uh, get some rest,
I suggest immediate isolation
and recommend a dishonorable discharge.
- He's not a man.
- A woman? There's no woman
in post-op. You know that.
Well, you just
never know, do you?
I can't describe it.
It's like a little nativity scene.
Major Burns is loaded with static. He
was born in a taxi with the radio on...
I honestly believe Henry Blake
could be held up through the mail.
- You have beautiful hands.
- Thank you. They're my mother's.
- Look, let's skip the manicure.
- Voila. El finko himself.
Frank said he'd go over my head. I said,
"Go." He's done it so many times,
- Don't feel like what, Frank?
Her flaps are rustling.
And there will now
be a short pause while he skulks
casually back to the swamp.
Aired 45 years ago - Feb 09, 1974
The supply lines to the camp are cut. Radar, the housing officer, starts doubling people up to save fuel and Klinger is thrown out of the nurse's tent. People start burning everything to stay warm while Frank wears his heated socks. The toilet paper supply is worst hit, and then wounded start arriving. Supplies are eventually restored.
We can't do everything ourselves.
"No mail call, no electrical parts,
"One last stand,
and then you can go home."
What would have happened in 1776 if
the Minutemen on their way to Concord...
That makes good sense.
I would make it conditional, however.
The following people
will be in charge of these things...
heat and electrical power.
Radar will decide who sleeps with who.
and you're playing with people's beans.
New sleeping arrangements, by order
of Corporal O'Reilly, housing officer.
Radar, uh, am I getting taller
or is the room shrinking?
- Uh, we're out of paper, sir.
- They burn that too?
Oh, Frank. You have
the perfect personality in a crisis.
As food supply officer,
I was checking the supplies.
You've eaten all the pineapple,
- One... Just one moment!
I'm his helper.
He doesn't like to heat alone.
- No! No!
- Frank, let go of that.
Major, what happened here tonight
will never leave this room.
Say no more, ma'am.
I gotta heat my cot.
This is where the Ritz hit the fan.
Hi. This is where
I'm supposed to be tonight.
Well, do you see anybody else
pressing the soft underbelly button?
A captain can't
give a major an order.
Which bed should I take, sir?
How are we supposed to sleep with that?
I have to go to the sandbox.
- Can we afford a little night music?
- Yeah, about 30 minutes.
Let me see if I can recall that prayer.
[Man Over P.A.] Attention,
all personnel. Incoming wounded.
All the food, all the fuel.
Patients get first priority. Let's move.
Say, we're running out of just about
anything you guys'd care to name.
Just lis... Now, look, buddy,
I bought a lot of war bonds,
All they can send us is casualties.
Everything else they run out of.
# Sharing each other's sorrows #
"Come to tent nine, change into
something comfy, put on mask and wait.
The food's holding out
and the fuel's okay.
for those of you who have acted
in the Yankee Doodlest manner.
Well, I can't help it.
I wish you hadn't said that.
- That's very funny, Mclntyre.
- Maybe there's a review of the war.
Aired 45 years ago - Feb 02, 1974
While there are no casualties, Hawkeye & Trapper crate up Frank while he sleeps and receive gorilla suits through the mail. Henry gets a tan and gives another sex orientation lecture. When the wounded start pouring in again, their own side shells the camp, hitting the generator, and Radar tries to get through to someone to stop the shelling.
- You busy, Father?
- Just washing my feet.
Well, Father, it's so quiet around here,
what do they need me for?
"At least it's close. I only saw it once
and I was sewing from memory.
but you take the cake.
Hey, guys, let's settle down, huh?
I thought I'd deliver
the required commanding officer's...
Could you quiet up?
Maggie and Jiggs.
Some of you are going back
to your sweethearts.
"Clean is as clean does
and clean does as clean thinks."
Now, you guys know
what I'm talking about, men.
- Hey! Bravo!
- Hey! Bravo!
Fair is fair.
They're excellent surgeons.
- No, you never told me.
- I don't tell you half their stunts.
- Take a card! Pick a card!
- Don't rush me!
I want to talk to you both...
Evenin', chillun! How y'all?
we'd like to do a little operation
we've had a lot of luck with.
Keep it for a few days.
If you like it, it's yours.
Ambulance drivers report
to their stations immediately.
- Rib cutter.
- Start another unit of whole blood.
Hey! Did anyone remember
to light up the Red Cross sign?
Aw, wouldn't that
strip your gears?
Yeah, this is 4077 th MASH.
Who gave you those orders?
A million miles from home,
laying on a table like a centerpiece...
[Burns] Okay, you close.
I've done the important part.
- Old chromic, right?
Well... Try who?
- What was that?
- Nothing, Frank.
[Laughs] You're only saying
that to make me feel good.
All right, let's tie this vessel,
then we'll start on the bladder.
- I'm raw from all this scrubbing.
- Why don't you see a doctor?
Aired 45 years ago - Jan 26, 1974
A Korean family set up camp in the middle of the compound. A Korean woman with a baby comes looking for the father, and names Radar. Civilian affairs relocates the family and blood tests prove Radar is not the father.
- Sir, there's a Korean family out here.
Shine, Joe? Shine?
Shine? Shine, Joe?
Look, folks. You've picked a very
busy spot. The war comes through here.
The only thing I am sure of
is I don't need you.
You can't build a house
on a U.S. Military reservation.
I'd say fire a few shots
over their heads. That'll chase 'em.
Started setting up housekeeping.
You gotta talk to 'em, Sam.
Are we just gonna stand around and let
these foreigners take over the 4077 th?
Yeah, I know.
$640 a month isn't real money,
Dollar for shine, Joe.
They're just your garden-variety
You're not with
those others, are you?
- Not Korean soldier.
He doctor. MASH 4077.
- Good news.
- I'll take it.
Sam, this is Miss Choon Hi.
- You called, Master?
- This better be good, Henry.
I got the forms
for the boots, sir.
doesn't mean I don't
fool around like you guys.
We share your disgust, Frank.
I've got a call in
to Civilian Affairs.
- Go get 'em, Frank. Kill!
- You ever think of pediatrics?
- Oh, you make a fortune.
We're going to match the mother's
blood type and the baby's blood type...
- You wanna save us the trouble?
- I'm not worried.
The ice cream won't melt
into the cole slaw for a while yet.
- Which one is pregnant, sir?
- Oh, he's here for the flip side, Henry.
- Don't you wanna hear about my call?
- One disaster at a time, Frank.
You're dismissed until
your presence is re-required.
All right. The party's over.
Repeat, the party is over.
- Frank, the next field is a minefield.
Until we know
where they're going.
Save me a couple of seats
for the next one.
The mother has blood type "O," and
the aforeborn baby has blood type "A."
Sir, I thought it over, and I was lying
before when I said the baby wasn't mine.
Aired 45 years ago - Jan 19, 1974
Private Baker, who is always going AWOL, is desperate for plastic surgery on his nose. Hawkeye gets an old friend, and plastic surgeon, to visit the camp, promising him a nurse called "The Barracuda". They put together an elaborate scheme to perform the operation without Frank or Margaret finding out.
- Or should that be "me"?
- Should what be "me," sir?
Oh! What are you
trying to do to me?
- It just isn't fair.
- Yes, sir.
- if you follow the way I've drifted.
- Yes, sir.
Of course, there was
a newspaper strike at the time.
- Did you ever hear him speak?
- I don't go to his services, sir.
If it makes you more comfortable
forget I'm a priest.
only you're too polite
to say anything.
It's ruining my life.
The sending of you to me only reinforces
my opinion of Colonel Blake.
It's there to catch
a cold through, or at which
to look down on people from. Enjoy it.
You know why Napoleon always
kept his hand down here?
He was scratching his nose.
"Ever thought of
putting in an attic?"
- It's also against regulations.
- You think this is regulation?
Will you do it?
I'd even pay.
I mean, I'm in it
right up to my rear bumpers.
is against army regulations.
- You ever hear of Stanley Robbins?
You guys have my full permission,
and I never said that.
- Yes, sir.
- Well, no sense
hanging around if I'm not here.
Good. Uh, listen, uh...
Stosh, you and I have taken out
some nurses in our time,
Hey, Stosh, how you doing?
If I were you, I'd call in
an air strike, start all over again.
- How's everything in Tokyo?
- Never stops. Round the clock.
So, you're the well-known
"surgeon to the stars," huh?
- Colonel, you're a doctor.
- Gotcha. Ethics.
Slip into the wrong tent?
You know, jowls can be
the most sensual part of a woman,
And it's time
for his 3,000-mile checkup.
- Save yourself for the big game, Stosh.
- Yeah, when do I meet her?
How does that one strike you? And
remember a nose job is not a haircut.
Do me a favor, huh?
I got that one for my wife
for her birthday. We're in business.
What am I signing, Radar?
- Okay. Radar?
- Thank you, sir. Sir?
- about 37-24-35.
- Yes, sir.
Very good, Frank.
- Kid, are you okay?
- My nose!
Uh, well, Robbins never allows
anybody to watch his work.
All we need
is a doctor and a patient.
Well, can you think of a reason
why you might send for me?
- Let me prove it to you.
- Stop it! I'll scream!
- No, that's a lie!
- You're "the Barracuda," right?
- Hey, Trap.
Aired 45 years ago - Jan 12, 1974
A riotous episode in which Hawkeye will do anything to get a new pair of boots: In order to get Zale to get him some, he must get an appointment for Zale with Futterman, the camp dentist, who will only do it if Henry will give him a pass to Tokyo,
and Henry will only grant the pass if Houlihan will get off his back, which she will do only if the guys throw a party for Frank's birthday, with a cake, and Radar will only help get the cake if he gets a date with Nurse Murphy, who will only date someone with a hair dryer, and Klinger won't give up the hair dryer unless he gets a section 8 (and Frank won't sign). Inevitably, the deal falls through, much to the Hawkeye's chagrin.
I want that card out of your boot
pronto! And that's an order!
I think we should go lean
on the supply sergeant.
I hope he had somebody
carry his bags for him.
You want to see a 101/2-C hole?
Look at this. Huh?
I need them to chew with.
No experience necessary.
- What about him?
- I want you to give him his bridge.
If you help me.
I love that land, from the top
of Fujiyama to the bottom of its sea,
My life there has only been prologue
to my final destiny:
Okay. We'll see Henry.
which states that you merely initialed
the forms that required signing.
I got a bucket of golf balls to wash.
Major Houlihan, huh?
which she had been typing with
the wrong side of the carbon facing.
- She spelled "bungler" wrong.
- Uh, no, that's "bumbler," sir.
- Are you in, Henry?
- I'm in enough to ask you to get out.
Not unless you want it turned down.
Then it's ideal.
It never fails.
One hand washes the other.
- My report is going to Gen. Mitchell.
- Come on, reconsider.
He will never again wake up
with nail polish and mascara.
- It's a deal.
- It is not!
A party for Frank Burns?
- Radar, what are you doing?
- Sorting the mail.
a man's best years
are between 19 and 25.
Well, he's a little more
"ish" than "Cooper."
Part of this deal
has to be that I have a hair dryer.
Ah! I looked it up.
But what's the use? Majors Burns
or Houlihan, they wouldn't sign.
just to get four kids to show up.
Be quiet! Hide! Shh! Shh!
Sure it is, you silly goose.
Aw, you two palookas.
that I think you're all
a bunch of swell eggs.
Now, this first present
is from all the gang in X-Ray.
- Be in my chair, 10:00. Don't be late.
- You got it.
Geez, I gotta get outta here.
I got a date.
- They love you, Frank.
- It was their hatred that fooled me.
- With the whole world.
- Sign this.
Hey, what are you doing?
Aired 45 years ago - Jan 05, 1974
Henry returns from a week in Tokyo, to announce that he is in love with a 20-year old girl called Nancy Sue Parker. She arrives for the weekend, and Henry shows her off. Nancy comes on to Hawkeye while Henry is in surgery. Henry is reminded of his wife back home when Radar places a call for him, and he realises it's his wife he loves.
And I'm grateful that a little bit
of it occasionally rubs off on me."
That'll be all, Corporal.
Dismissed. Smoke if you got 'em.
- I think we're ready
to open the war on Broadway.
- Lots of head wounds.
I'm 44 years old and I only hear
about half of what anybody says.
Well, don't keep us in suspense.
Who's the man, woman or child?
Just a minute here. She's no kid.
She'll be 21 in August.
And we're trying to decide which
bathhouse to go to after breakfast.
Our eyes met and it was as though
we'd known each other all our lives.
- You said the magic word.
- It's an ordinary word.
I mean, you guys
aren't reading me.
Henry, why don't you just file
this under "Andy Hardy Remembers
His Teeth in the Glass."
- [Door Rattling]
Uh, flowers will be placed
in the V.I.P. Tent...
- See to it that this gets
put on the jukebox, please?
Of course I am.
- As a personal order?
- Okay, Henry.
Oh! Easy. Now watch it. Don't get
your pretty little foot caught.
Hi. So nice to meet you.
You just wanna take him home
and cuddle him.
- Yes, sir.
- Bye, Radar.
- What are you wearing?
- Practically nothing.
- I'd like something weak.
- [Henry Laughing]
- He's making a jackass out of himself.
A married man fooling around
with another woman.
Oh, it's mine too. Everyone's been
so terrific about being nice to me.
Glad to have met you.
I used to be so much better.
I'm so out of shape.
- Come on, Mclntyre.
- We'll keep your drinks warm.
Henry, get away from the ether.
- Good night, Nancy. Nice meeting you.
- Me too.
Hawkeye, the first time we met,
In the first place, I wanna thank you
from the bottom of my mouth.
Don't send me your stubs. I can't
balance your checkbook in a war zone.
Aired 46 years ago - Dec 22, 1973
Klinger pretends to be pregnant. Hawkeye and Trapper operate on General Mitchell's son, and the General gives them 3 days in Tokyo Henry keeps getting calls from Tokyo about what Hawkeye and Trapper are doing. When they get back to the 4077 Frank
asked the general for an officers club for the camp. They plot to allow the enlisted men access to the club, and when the General opens it the rules are bent to give his son access, which Hawkeye exploits to give access to all.
- How's it going, guys?
- Fine. Pull up a chair.
We'll deal you in.
- [Houlihan] Colonel?
Frank, why don't we just take
our gloves off and step outside?
But it's my considered opinion
that no one's going to believe
that you're pregnant.
should someone in your condition
be smoking a cigar?
- Yes, get rid of those pillows.
I'm terminating your pregnancy.
- Not in front of the general.
You do much fishing, do you?
- Would you, um...
- Yes, sir. I'll, uh...
- That's very generous, General.
- Goes down real smooth.
Uh, well, sir, l...
Somebody has to be there to say,
I would like to meet the doctor
who performed the operation.
I'd like to say thank you
in some substantial way.
A suite at the Imperial Hotel.
- Who am I talking to?
- Mr. Yurkuri.
He runs the Imperial Hotel.
Yes, sir, I'll grant you,
that's a little out of line.
What have they done, Radar?
Ah, home at last.
- And you wanted to write him
out of your will.
The senior N.C.O. Present
requests Captain's permission
for men to resume eating, sir.
I remember that well, sir.
Thank you, sir.
- That was good work, Lieutenant.
- Thank you, Doctor.
- Hey, Henry, hold baby time.
- Ha, ha. Back from Tokyo, are we?
Any officer, regardless of race,
color or creed can go in
and get bombed out of his skull.
Oh, great. St. Patrick's Church
- will you throw the club
open for everybody?
- Yeah, sure.
- That's a cute name.
- We're a cute people.
And add five percent
Two very dry martinis. And Margaret,
what is that, an old-fashioned?
The major and I were having
a quiet drink together,
and I'd appreciate it if you'd amscray.
Must we dance so close?
- What's he doing?
- Nothing to worry about, Frank.
As someone who's seen your inside,
I can tell you your outside looks great.
For the enlisted personnel,
there will be a special
screening in the mess tent...
## [Swing Jazz]
Is that a drink, sir?
Well, I for one am impressed.
It's both an honor and a privilege
and a pleasure to welcome you...
- Maj. Houlihan, in charge of nursing.
- I can believe that.
Yes, of course.
Aired 46 years ago - Dec 15, 1973
Margaret revaluates her life, and decides to leave Frank and ask for a transfer, which is granted. She gets drunk at her goodbye party, but is sobered up in the shower when wounded start arriving. She changes her mind when she realises how loyal her friends are.
Anglo Chemicals is at 471/2,
thanks to napalm.
[Radar Over P.A.]
Attention, all personnel.
- I counted ten, ma'am.
- There's only nine here.
- Where's that 4-0 silk suture
I asked for?
- They're on the way, Major.
- Is it a boy or a girl?
- Give us a chance. We just met.
Would you like to tell me
about your Trisha Spalding?
It's only the people who know you
that don't give you any respect.
Margaret, you're serving your country
in the most noble way a woman can.
I don't want a weekend.
I want a lifetime.
Come to attention. Get to your feet.
Put that cigar out.
Get rid of that magazine.
- Out of my way, Corporal.
- Major, he's watching
a, uh, training film.
- For pete's sake.
Colonel, I want a transfer.
An order? Why don't you stop
masquerading as a commanding officer?
Colonel, I am requesting
that you officially...
You peek into one shower
and you're labeled for life.
- I'll thank you to mind
your p's and q's.
- That hurt.
- Fifteen minutes ago
was a very good year.
- It's especially for you.
Fighting, they say,
is a form of loving.
to their secret nurse ceremonies,
Let me get my robe.
I'm in my underwear.
Your picture of us at Osaka,
- I know a lot of generals,
you know, Frank?
- I know you know them, Margaret.
What are you doing,
rehearsing a letter to your wife home?
- I think you've had enough, Margaret.
- Who asked you?
- "number 467,
Paulina Paris and her Pelican.
- Her Pelican.
"to cover the cost of film,
postage and handling.
- Uh, how do you get into this thing?
- Is there something you want?
I need a sense of order.
Can't you understand that, Colonel?
- The choppers evacuating?
- Yes, sir. Should be here
in about 45 minutes.
Boy, I'd give $50
to see a varicose vein.
- We're gonna need her tonight.
- Why us?
- What are you doing?
- New surgical procedure.
You wanna know something?
You really wanna know something?
That's when I fell
in love with him.
Aired 46 years ago - Dec 08, 1973
Sidney Freedman comes to the camp, and joins in the poker game at The Swamp. Radar hits a local with a jeep, although the local is famous for jumping in front of vehicles for the compensation. Hawkeye and Trapper operate on an intelligence officer against regulations. Sidney helps talk around a soldier who wants to kill Frank.
- Sir, could I ask a favor?
- Ask away.
and stuck in a jukebox
and a bunch of B-girls on roller skates.
Okeydoke, ante up.
Sandwiches from the mess tent.
Earrings with a sweater?
In case he tells anything
under sedation. Regulations.
Oh, well, not to worry.
- Uh, Colonel?
- Let's see here.
and low hole card wild.
Yes, it was definitely
a thump, sir... a Korean thump.
Ah, Radar, don't you think you mean
more to me than a pair of deuces?
- That's good, isn't it, sir?
- No bleeding is best, Radar.
Oh, okay, it's me.
You never enlisted,
did you, Klinger?
If you so much as touch that patient,
you're violating army regulations.
My vote is we put him
in front of a 21 -gun salute.
Nothing broken here, Radar.
Everything's right where it ought to be.
It looks like he's paralyzed.
It's all in your head.
You did it, didn't you?
Operated on the C.I.D. Man.
There's a possible straight.
A pair of threes.
- "El foldo."
- All right, I'll see you.
I can tell you this much, Major. This
is definitely a court-martial offense.
That's not my department, sir.
Intelligence is something
I try to avoid.
Yes, we do, but you didn't
hear that from me.
Stuff it, Major!
Sidney, what's the psychiatric
basis for gambling?
- Here they are.
- Pierce. Mclntyre.
Okay. Did you guys
really do that?
- Can these men be trusted?
- Well, certainly.
It was a textbook operation.
He'll be up and snooping in a week.
Hurry up, Frank.
The good ship Lollipop is leaving.
Radar had a jeep accident.
He hit a local.
- Yes, sir.
- His name is Hwang?
All right, come on.
Ten bucks a man ought to do it.
Where were we?
I think I'm doing it
in the right order.
You got no clothes on.
Aired 46 years ago - Dec 01, 1973
Hawkeye and Trapper recover from an all night party. Henry gets a barbecue, and Hawkeye puts in a request for an incubator. The Quartermaster turns him down. They locate a Major with 3 incubators, but he won't let them have one. A Colonel tries to
sell them one, and then they get into trouble with a General at a press conference. Finally, Radar trades the barbecue for an incubator.
- Is he alive?
- Yes, but his guts are in bad shape.
- Is that coffee?
- Oh, yeah, I figured you'd need some.
- No. It was ten to 4:00.
- Did we say why?
- No comment about this?
- About us?
- Aw, please, Frank.
- Come on, Mom. Please.
I don't have
to take that from you.
Twelve hours of I.V.,
then put a ticket on him to Tokyo.
Nurse, give me an ice pack here.
He had a full course of penicillin.
He's not responding.
We'll know what he has in 72 hours,
then you can treat him.
I want you to secure legs
"A," "B," "C" and "D" to the fire bowl.
You know, sir, I have a friend
down in the 331 st Evac.
I want you to go see the cook.
They gotta scream when you cut into 'em.
I fix 'em my own way.
I'd have bet anything you couldn't
get four people inside a sleeping bag.
- How do we requisition an incubator?
- Now just hold it!
- All because we don't have an incubator.
- All right, that's a point.
The war's been running
for two years.
- Captain. Radar, would you...
Oh, Captain Sloan,
these are Captain Pierce...
Maybe I'll have that drink.
Um, "inhalator, indicator,
Hey, that would be great
on movie nights.
Does the book allow us
any ground, Captain?
We're gonna get that incubator. We're
gonna go forth and part the red tape.
Well, everybody, happy days.
I'm doing just fine!
Three of them at the 728th Evac
in Pusan. A Major Arnold Morris.
May I remind you both that not everybody
you'll meet down there...
- You want an incubator. No dice.
- But you've got three.
- That's a sick attitude.
- Well, they're mine.
Well, look, Major,
we're not here from True Confessions.
- Where would we find him?
- Nowhere on the base, that's for sure.
For the simple purpose of practicing
better and more efficient medicine.
An even thousand should handle it.
and, with a week's notice,
the odd B-52.
Why should the sergeants
have all the fun? [Chuckles]
for $627, cost.
That would lead you
to General Mitchell.
Is there anything you can add?
I'm sure the answer will too.
- Security reasons.
- Who's your commanding officer?
- We'd rather not say.
Which makes you
the next contestant, General.
Aired 46 years ago - Nov 24, 1973
The camp succumbs to the Asian flu, except for Hawkeye and Margaret, who have to do everything themselves. As the others start to recover, Hawkeye falls ill but he still manages to operate when wounded arrive. Finally the others are well enough for
Hawkeye to stop working and rest. He is thanked for his service with a commemorative roll of toilet paper.
Jacobs, put him to bed.
- Doctor, I just did.
- Don't argue with me. Just do what I...
Nothing clever. Just close
and call me when you're finished.
They do give them complicated names.
Look, General, I realize...
Anybody who's good with a knife.
Well, anything I can do to help.
- Tell you what we're gonna do, Radar.
- Check the personnel directory.
He doesn't have one of those.
Joel McCrea is in bed. So is
Ralph Bellamy and Colonel Andy Devine.
I'll tell you what you're not.
You're not Commanding Officer.
You won't take yes for an answer,
Don't be foolish. I wouldn't presume
to tell you anything about surgery.
- Irrigate the wound and pack it over.
- Yes, Doctor.
- Coming, Mother.
Hawkeye, could I trouble you?
- Okay. Richardson retractor.
Not you, Sheila. Get back here.
Hold that. Father, get us some clamps.
Just filling out the daily report.
And I'm taking you with me, Margaret.
We'll send for Frank later.
Margaret, another dream come true.
Well, Mr. And Mrs. 4077 th
at home, in my office.
So you two can just sit around my desk
and smoke my cigars?
If I was back home
in Bloomington, Illinois,
We tried to reach your mother.
She doesn't make house calls.
Uh, Dr. Pierce,
could you look at bed five?
we're in Korea.
- What's up?
- It isn't Trapper.
I think I can manage that.
You're the best receptionist
I ever had.
- Is that possible?
- Keep checking for doctors.
First I'm hot, then I'm cold.
Believe me, I've got fever to burn.
and you still can proposition a nurse.
Get a retractor first.
Father, pull that back, will you?
Aired 46 years ago - Nov 17, 1973
A lone sniper has the 4077th pinned down - including Radar and Henry in the shower. The poor boy thinks he's firing on McArthur's headquarters, and a chopper finally comes by and wounds him with gunfire from above, ending the siege. Hawkeye walks out to into the bush to tend to the wounded soldier.
Get the tomatoes?
- He likes me. Don't you, Radar?
- Uh, yes, sir.
Frank, if you don't put that gun away,
And right over there is a war.
I feel almost guilty.
- Could I see the gun just once more?
- You've seen it, Margaret.
Does every new nurse
fall in love with you here?
- Came with what? I haven't fired yet!
- I was right over there!
- Where are you going?
- Grab a friend and get back to camp!
Sitting here with our tails
sticking out, helpless.
It's not much better in here, sir.
Oh, forget it. You'd look silly
with a hole in your head.
- [Chattering Continues]
- Now, please, I want it quiet!
We're under massive enemy attack!
I think there's only one,
but I don't know. There may be more.
the earliest they can get here.
- Thank God.
- Oh, congratulations. You're alive.
You got casualties out there, son?
Overrun by a horde of one?
What kind of guarantee do you want?
Au contraire, Major!
The sniper's still outside.
The generator's shot.
And what happens if we do quit
and they roll right over us?
Nobody's eaten in 13 hours, sir.
if we had a real man in this outfit...
I'm not here for violation purposes.
- Oh, he had days you wouldn't believe.
the local undertaker used to send me
Christmas presents and calendars.
If you're lucky, and if I'm lucky,
I won't run into her.
Or he catches us.
Whichever way it works out.
- You almost killed me!
- I didn't fire it!
You want to finish that sandwich
here or in surgery?
- I mean, no offense, sir, but this...
- [Helicopter Approaching]
Aired 46 years ago - Nov 10, 1973
Once more Hawkeye writes home to his father: the doctors operate on a soldier with a grenade shot into his body; Hawkeye and Trapper colour the skin of a racist patient, who demanded the right colour blood, while he is asleep; Henry gets a movie of his daughters birthday from home; the officers hold the monthly staff meeting.
- I wouldn't want that darkie stuff.
Radar, you can't let anybody in here
with a grenade in his pants.
There must be an easier way
for a surgeon to make $413.50 a month.
Get me some towels.
All right. Take it easy.
There followed another operation which
we natives here call the "happy hour."
Patient's in pain.
Guess what his orders were.
I mean, I should've done it.
The coffee was already brewed.
- Got the magic mixture?
- Yes, Master.
Somebody's gotta pick the cotton.
Makes you long for home,
but then, almost everything does.
Glad you know how.
I was never very good with my hands.
Whatever you say, Henry.
It's your theater. What are you showing?
- Bright as a penny.
- Didn't she get anything from you?
- How did you bag her, Henry?
- Slip her something in her succotash?
He went on to become the biggest
cement contractor in the Midwest.
Hey, wait a minute. Hold it, Henry.
- [Mclntyre] Great legs.
- [Pierce] You've been here too long.
- [Pierce] Ohh.
- [Mclntyre] Yeah. Hey, hey.
- Uh, yes, sir.
Then there are those devotees
of exotic cultures who nightly...
- I want to turn a page.
- Good. I'll wet your finger.
- Ha! I'll bet.
- She did. She did so.
- What's your problem?
- Let me ask you something.
- Henry, we all know who's here.
- Regulations require it.
Wait. We didn't hear Frank's answer.
We don't know if he's here.
- Uh, Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce.
- Uh, I did, sir.
- Yeah, here's your gavel.
Excuse me. We do have the minutes for
the meeting before the last meeting.
"The meeting was declared a shambles
right after Captain Mclntyre...
Frank? You know, in this light,
you look just likeJoan Crawford.
But if we're here for the purpose
of improving our military efficiency,
I second the motion.
Aired 46 years ago - Nov 03, 1973
Majors Houlihan and Burns press charges against Colonel Blake to get him arrested and put Frank in charge, and put Hawkeye and trapper under arrest so that they can't help him. Fortunately for Henry, they escape, and with the aid of Meg Cratty come to the rescue.
Place your best, folks.
Don't miss your chance.
All right. Come on.
This is your last chance
before the big race to make your bets.
- Gurney races.
Girl Away. It's Hawk's Pride
and Gal O' War.
Bouncing Betty is
really bouncing along,
Well, uh, we work hard, Major.
We need some relaxation.
Charge two states one
of your enlisted men...
I would like to interest you in a pair
of our Hi-Style wing-tip shoes...
No, actually, uh,
this is my first day.
this is an all-leather shoe,
with a built-in arch support...
Actually, Mr. O'Reilly, I already
have a pair of black-and-white shoes.
It might be of some comfort
to you to know...
- Where were we?
Colonel, what did you think
about Klinger's attempt
to desert the United States Army?
You will remain confined to regimental
quarters until this hearing resumes.
Will you stop
that vacuum effect and answer?
- Major Burns...
- And Houlihan.
- And Houlihan.
We'll take care of that.
You get the files.
What do you want?
- We love him.
- Hard cheese.
You're both under arrest.
I don't mind that so much
'cause I got good legs.
- you'd bet your brains out.
- The trouble is, he's not one of a kind.
I'm cheap, but I'm not easy.
Listen, if you guys
need something to wear...
Further, these were
delivered to your unit...
in the sense that, "Yes, I gave aid
and comfort to the enemy"...
Frank, what are you doing over
on the right? Get over on the left!
- We wanna testify, sir.
- The cavalry's here, Henry.
## [Imitating Bugle Call]
You get any sleep, sir?
which is more than I can say
about any of you high-priced bellhops.
No money changed hands,
and I didn't deprive
our own wounded kids of one thing.
- Which is which?
- Doesn't matter.
- My family came to America in 1927.
- Riding on a pony.
Aired 46 years ago - Oct 27, 1973
Corporal Walker is being sent home, and he wants to marry his Korean girl so she and their baby can return with him. CID sends Lt Willis to investigate, but when he refuses Hawkeye and Trapper frame him. Hawkeye is upset that a nurse he was pursuing does not approve of the marriage between "a gook" and "one of us".
Maybe your paper is losing its hair.
Doc, can I see you?
It's about a patient outside.
- [Baby Crying]
- There he is. That's the patient.
I had the cook marry us.
He used to be an altar boy.
- That's why I came to you.
- You couldn't just go home...
Oh, uh, well, I found the forms
for enlisted men marrying L.I.P.'s, sir.
Uh, the plane with John Wayne
didn't get here.
They wanted to get married.
- We'll do the jokes, Nurse.
- Yes, Doctor.
- Happy ending?
- He got married.
- Nice idea, this.
- It's better than the movie.
In that case, I may just
teach you to play golf one day.
you're a wallflower because
you're such a rotten dancer.
- That was step two.
- What's step three?
- You have any records to dance to?
I also got four officers
to sign theJ-19 application...
And The Thing That Ate the Bronx.
I could see that every night.
- A very serious, formal complaint.
- What is it, Frank?
You're nothing but
a golf-playing figurehead.
I want you to know that I agree
with everything I've said.
made my marriage a great union
that will endure forever.
Why not? I know I smell great
the way I am, but better wouldn't hurt.
There you go, Frank.
Write your heart out.
Pierce, I've been assigned
this Walker deal.
This is wonder booze,
the elixir of life.
I wouldn't take him out for a $50 bill.
That's highly irregular.
Huh? You think they're really
crazy about us, right?
a lot of wrong thinking
in this man's army.
Lieutenant... there's a baby.
Your friendly neighborhood C.I.D. Man.
That's a real picture.
- The coq au vin was delicious.
- Well, why not? Vintage chicken.
- How do you feel?
Or earmuffs, depending on the weather.
Pictures of me and the girls.
A setup so I'd okay
the Walker application.
We don't have any pictures.
What do I care if Walker
marries some bimbo?
- Here we are.
- Plural at last.
Boy, when you make a toast,
you don't fool around.
Aired 46 years ago - Oct 20, 1973
Hawkeye operates on a 5-year old Korean boy, and Radar can't find his family. Henry plans to send him to the orphanage, and the camp enjoys his company while they can. Trapper decides to adopt him after consulting his wife, and has to rescue him after he wanders into the minefield. Kim's mother turns up at the orphanage looking for him.
A teeny, tiny little nurse all your own.
"'You Made Me Love You, I Didn't Wanna
Do It'... the Cole Porter arrangement.
It's a perfectly good little story
about life in everyday America.
He was doin' great until the
house mother and Dr. Clean-cut got here.
- Did you hear me, Mclntyre?
- Take a walk, Major.
- What's going on here?
- These two are poisoning this child!
- You want smut? I'll give you smut.
- Do you realize what...
Of course they do. Right after
they make those funny sounds.
It's for the kid.
What'd you find out about him?
What's that? Uh, no, we can't locate
the folks or the village.
Oh, uh, I'm playing
with my doll, Pierce.
I've got no choice. This is a hospital.
We can't take care of a child.
Boy, that is rich. You guys
are barely housebroken yourselves.
If you guys have got something better
than Sister Theresa's, I'm all ears.
Look at it, look at it.
Now you say "boo."
Oh, frankly, we didn't expect
any complications, Sister,
Yes. Thank you for calling,
Uh, "table" is, uh...
- It's Thursday night.
Are you going to do all three bears?
- Hello, Father.
- Good morning, Father.
You didn't hold it up to the light,
did you, Father?
"If there's anything I can do to help
at this end, just let me know.
I have to ask you,
just one apiece, please.
That's the beginning of faith,
You're really so beautiful the way
the sun lights up the hairs in your ear.
- There must be a map to this field.
- Get it!
- Why aren't they under "M"?
- Because they're under "B" for "boom."
- Eight yards.
- Just take eight steps.
to your right.
Well, Henry, will you get
your three-inch finger out and tell me?
Okay. Now, that oughta put you safely
in the heart of downtown Berlin.
Six inches in any direction, and
you'll get home sooner than any of us.
Aired 46 years ago - Oct 13, 1973
Hawkeye has been in non-stop surgery for 3 straight days without sleep, and the wounded keep coming. He decides to find out who started the war, and sends a telegram to Harry S Truman. After listening to some of Frank's rubbish about the North
Koreans wanting better plumbing, he tries to send the officers' latrine to the North Koreans with an offer of peace. Trapper finally manages to sedate him. Trapper (about Hawkeye): "I guess he's just unstable. You see, he took this weird oath as a young man, never to just stand by and watch people die."
- Help me sleep better.
- Pierce, get some sack.
- Go to bed.
Okay, cut that.
No, that's geese. Although,
goose and nurse don't go together.
Last chance, ladies.
- Step by step, inch by inch.
- Hawk. Hawk.
Even as I talk to you,
a tiny little man inside me...
- What is it?
- Wake up.
There's a war going on here.
- You figured that out, huh?
- I'm beginning to see a pattern.
Two or three hours later,
it'll be tomorrow.
And then what?
- Oh, war comics, huh?
#You can count on me #
# Please have snow #
A lot of very touching songs
came out of that war.
- Okay, shoot.
- To Harry S. Truman, the White House.
- It's not your fault.
Nobody goes up, nobody gets hurt.
We get the air out of his chest,
we can save the lung.
Oh, let me see.
Uh, the Lone Ranger. Very good.
Oh, that's good. Otherwise,
Frank would try to be Henry with me.
Coming down here
to find out who did what?
Well, then he'd better
get down here right away.
Now, just ask anything at all.
- Captain Pierce!
- Why are we here?
I'm not making fun, Frank.
I'm trying to figure this out. What...
- They do?
- You bet your life they do.
I can't take your picture now, Radar.
I like that. It sells.
It was a trick question.
- Somebody oughta put him to bed.
- You too?
- It was Captain Pierce.
- How do you know?
- Well, that's very friendly.
- Friendly, sir?
You guys are really gonna help me?
Oh, 3:00 was a very good hour.
Aired 46 years ago - Oct 06, 1973
Hawkeye and Trapper want the army to admit responsibility for the accidental bombing of a local village. They fill out a report and Major Stoner arrives to investigate, and leaves with all the evidence. When the story is released it claims that the
enemy bombed the village, and the army tries to gag the doctors. But, thinking there could be a medal in it for him, Frank has also put a report together, with copies of all the evidence, including shell fragments, so the army comes clean.
Hey. Just what we thought.
I checked with a guy in Artillery.
Well, you file that report,
- Are you guys making
this report together?
- Why not?
so I'll just have a double.
Air strike, armored attack,
- Well, what have we gotta do here?
- [Door Opens]
Frank, I'm sorry, all right?
Frank, come on, listen. You can't
turn your back on those people.
This is somewhat of
a frightening honor.
a 2759, stroke whatever?
- Oh, yes, sir.
- Well, there you go.
Clear as mother's milk.
- Major Stoner?
- Yes, sir.
Oh, he's from
the inspector general's office.
Change the dressing, Ginger,
and then she can go back
to whatever's left of her home.
- These patients look alleged to you?
Oh, no, just a simple
honorable discharge and,
say, 50,000 a year, tax free.
Then you should have
filed the report.
Clever, the way the cook sculpts grease
into the shape of lamb chops.
- Has a nice Genghis Khan feeling.
- What does that mean?
Oh, well, look, Captain,
I just got back from Okinawa,
"Well, I got a favor
that needs doing.
Well, I have this problem.
to get in touch with a certain...
senator... about a certain favor,
Hey! I just got her!
- That means I'm under arrest.
- Not at all.
This poop sheet's just come in from
General Clayton's office down in Seoul.
they're getting the first soft
ice cream stand in all of East Asia.
- Who are you calling?
- I'm going over your fly
to General Clayton.
You can't get arms.
All right, men.
Let's talk Tai-Dong.
Makes you feel
the whole war is worthwhile.
It was in all the papers.
You could easily find yourself
assigned to a first-aid station,
right where it's happening.
- Major Burns was on duty that day.
- Indeed, I was.
Aired 46 years ago - Sep 29, 1973
Radar writes the weekly activity report. Hawkeye operates on a wounded prisoner who grabs a scalpel and attacks the doctors. Frank wants Klinger thrown out on a section 8,so Henry calls in a psychiatrist, Major Freedman. Hawkeye is attracted to a
new nurse but thinks she is married. Trapper loses a patient who developed complications during the O.R. fracas with the wounded soldier.
- Just operate.
- Is that what he's doing?
Just my luck, under that mask
you don't have any teeth.
That means peace and friendship.
Get away from here, you nut!
Easy. It's okay now.
No one's gonna hurt you. Just give...
Take it easy.
It's all right.
thinking it was Chinese
for peace and friendship.
brand name, Miss High Rise,
A cheeky little wine. They call it
the "rascal of the vineyards."
Prisoner winged her. Superficial, but
it should be good for a week in Tokyo.
You do your part and I'll do mine.
No, we don't!
You get out of here, you pervert!
Frank, you're so exciting
when you get all riled up and decisive.
- I'm glad you're feeling better.
- Just a bit throbby, that's all.
- Something has to be done.
- I've sent for Corporal Klinger, sir.
- Frank, please try to say something.
Okay, he's here. Let's have it.
What's wrong with Klinger?
This moron is bucking for a section 8,
and I want you to help him get it.
Col. Blake has requested
psychiatrist from headquarters...
Fill her up please, pal.
Everything under the hood is okay.
It's like that.
Trapper, the O.R. Just sent me over.
I can do without it.
He's here, sir.
Whether he needs a girdle under that?
Whether his seams are straight?
- Why do I wanna kiss your thermometer?
- Oh, come on.
- Was it really that important?
- Even before I knew if you had teeth.
I never wanted to kiss
He's got an abscess... fever, secondary
infection, elevated white count.
You're working with
a terminal bachelor.
Getting all that juice you need?
- You may also have postnasal drip.
- I ain't any of those.
You know what
you can do with this.
Ooh, so this is the Swamp.
Don't you think we oughta talk about it
before you start knitting little things?
- I thought we had something going here.
- We do, something very strong.
Aired 46 years ago - Sep 22, 1973
An inept North Korean pilot, known as "5 O'Clock Charlie", makes his daily attempt to bomb the ammo dump. Frank puts in a request for an anti-aircraft gun, which is granted when Charlie hits General Clayton's jeep. Frank takes charge of the gun,
while Hawkeye and Trapper are determined to prevent him using it, by getting rid of the ammo dump. Frank misses Charlie and destroys the dump.
One minute to Charlie.
The betting book is now closed.
Two of mine were stolen last week.
for the sixth hit week...
Well done, Charles!
Results of the pool will be announced
in just a few minutes.
- Frank, Charlie is like one of our own.
Colonel, I insist you
do something about these raids!
Hey, that's pretty surprising
for a first baseman.
You'd think a man with R.O.T.C. Training
wouldn't go peeking up a doll's skirt.
came next with 22-3/4.
We're having a poker game in
the Swamp tonight. Saved you a seat.
- Fifty-two yards, Colonel.
- Fifty-two yards, Colonel.
A gun, sir. A 40 "M.M." gun.
We need an antiaircraft gun
Someday all of this will come out:
Here's our money, mister.
Don't staple us.
- Terribly sorry, Padre.
- Oh, that's all right, General.
Uh, y-you know Major Burns?
Major Frank Burns?
- The colonel and two captains.
- Try to influence you against the gun.
- Yes, sir.
Great. Now we're taking lessons
from the losers.
One minute to Charlie! One minute!
The eyes of the military are upon us.
and you... will be the squad.
Hep, hup, hip, four.
Hep, hup, hip, four.
Cut that out, face!
That strikes me funny, not.
I think it ill behooves us...
Maybe you haven't noticed in the
operating room, but we do have wounded.
Hep, hup, hep, four.
Hep, hup, hep, four.
On one of his nocturnal visits
to Hot Lips, we sew him to the tent.
I wish it would fly down his throat.
You're only a dentist.
You take away the gun,
you take away Frank's motivation...
Yeah, but four dozen sheets?
And poor Frank won't be able
to play with his "ack-ack" anymore.
We'd better take care
of that contingency.
- We think it's an early abscess.
- Well, why call on me?
Fantastic. He goes right to
the heart of the clinical picture.
You... You sneaks!
Aired 46 years ago - Sep 15, 1973
Brought on by Frank and Margaret's negative reports, General Clayton assigns a psychiatrist, Captain Hildebrand, to examine the 4077th M*A*S*H unit, to see if it should be disbanded. Henry tells them to be on their best behavior, or else they will
be split up. But the 4077th soon begins to act in their traditional, insane ways: the shrink experiences Max Klinger, watches the hijinks of Hawkeye and Trapper John, and witnesses the trysts of Frank and Hot Lips. While Hildebrand confronts the unit on its behaviour, choppers bearing wounded begin to arrive and everyone heads for the OR. The onslaught of casualties shows the 4077th's true side.
You're going to need a bath,
you naughty girl.
My concern is that the 4077...
We're about to button this kid up.
Let's get the next one in. Move it!
Get the fire out first, boys.
Get the fire out first.
And for your purposes,
it might be best...
I mean, we've been together so long,
we're like a family.
- Like a brandy, Captain?
- No, thanks.
it'll build up to an incredible
amount of pressure around here!
Great little kidder, that one.
The 4077 is one of the most committed,
responsible bunch of people...
Oh, there's nothing wrong with Klinger.
- I mean, the P.I.B. Tent.
- Follow me, sir.
All I know is he says it's important.
But Clayton sent
this joker Hildebrand to spy on us.
Pierce, can you lay off the wisecracks
for just five minutes?
I mean, as screwy as this outfit is,
better the devil you know, right?
- Just a minute. Go.
- [Objects Clattering]
He's a psychiatrist,
and he's here on Clayton's orders.
it might just happen
that we all get split up.
Everybody's agreed to behave themselves
in front of Capt. Hildebrand...
It's disgusting that you sleep
in your underwear.
Ha, ha, ha.
Tonight's subject will be...
There we go. Pierce, Mclntyre,
I'd like you to meet Capt. Hildebrand.
nose, throat and bloomers.
- Henry? The butter.
Every nurse I've ever known
takes a backseat to the major.
##[P. A: Woman Singing
"Hi Lily, Hi Lo"In Korean]
Immediately following mass this Sunday,
Yom Kippur services...
with its connotations of innocence...
under the stress of war.
Even tipping them off couldn't keep them
from behaving the way they really feel.
You stay out of this, Hot Lips, or I'll
stop selling tickets to your shower day.
not to mention just plain dictators,
to keep a cold war from turning hot,
- Speak for yourself.
- [Chattering, Indistinct]
- [Houlihan] We need some sponges here.
- Get somebody to give us some sponges.
- You got it.
I can see a little better.