The 4077th Mobile Army Surgical Hospital is stuck in the middle of the Korean war. With little help from the circumstances they find themselves in, they are forced to make their own fun. Fond of practical jokes and revenge, the doctors, nurses, administrators, and soldiers often find ways of making wartime life bearable.
Aired 46 years ago - Mar 25, 1973
Captain Kaplan is to be shipped home, but becomes paranoid that something will happen to him before he leaves. He takes the wheel of the jeep to drive to Kimpo himself, but crashes and ends up in plaster. Henry's wife is in labor and gives birth
while he has Radar calling the hospital every 5 mins.An entertainer, Jackie Flash, visits the camp to entertain the troops.
I really do. Although...
- Absolutely. Scalpel.
? Gee, but it's great to get together again
They could phone about my wife any minute.
? Just what we're doin' tonight
This dentist is not touching anything that
hasn't been checked by the bomb squad.
- Mind if I look, for drooling purposes?
- You unfold it. I could get a paper cut.
Got it tangled in a nurse at his farewell party.
? This is that once in a lifetime
Sometimes - most of the time -
Do you think that's true?
? Never again
OK, come on. Stay with us, will ya?
Hello? Hello, uh, Bloomington, Illinois?
They know what causes that now.
Sir? She's not there any more.
OK. Everything's gonna be fine.
- I've lost the pulse.
- I'm gonna massage the heart.
Yes, operator, go ahead, I can hear you.
Listen, tell Mildred - Mrs Blake -
So this woman gets up real close
to the guy in the sailor suit and she says:
? Last night, yes, I did
? I found your lips close to mine
so I kissed you
What's goin' on?
There's a rumour you three eloped.
It's not supposed to work that way, you know.
- What are you - 19?
- I'm 18, sir.
- Is it possible to bless ajeep, Father?
- Consider it done.
He's staying here, he didn't bust a pimple.
Oh, no, no, sir. His mother
works in the camp laundry.
Aired 46 years ago - Mar 18, 1973
General Clayton calls so say that a ceasefire is to be declared. The camp celebrates, Klinger gives away his dresses and locals start to take pieces of the camp. But Trapper does not believe it. Hawkeye claims he is married to avoid promises he made
to several nurses. The party to celebrate the cease-fire, which never really took place, is interrupted by incoming wounds.
You're a general and I'm just a captain,
but I wanna have your baby.
Yes, I'll tell Major Houlihan that
you look forward to seeing her.
The general was giving me advance notice.
All personnel are ordered to continue
regular duties until further notice.
But I'm stuck with a dozen dresses.
It's the same story in every war.
They're passing out champagne.
Would you guys like some?
I don't like to ask, but if there's
some little souvenir I could have...
Frank, you're not to worry about me.
it's swell of you to be so brave.
I'm, uh, busy right now.
- Trapper, sign my book?
- I'll sign it when the real cease-fire comes.
And it is fitting that we pause to
offer a prayer of thanksgiving
Attention. A reminder that the cease-fire
is not officially in effect.
They're doctors and nurses.
What could we do that would surprise them?
- Can you be serious for a minute?
- 30 seconds is my record.
- As in you and me.
- Oh, that us. Right, right.
turning grey over my wife's
checking account, and loving it.
Now, that's a great idea.
But I mean, not right away.
Let's just kinda leave it loose
for now, huh? But we'll do it.
I'm starting to feel better already, sir.
- I can hardly wait for the peace treaty.
- Hawkeye, we have to make plans.
All sales final!
It's for my mother!
I'll just stick my head in an oven,
- Take me home with you, Frank!
Is now a good time?
Welcome to the 4077th Cease-Fire Party.
with a photograph or two.
If you'd all turn around. Lights, please.
Aired 46 years ago - Mar 11, 1973
As usual Frank's normal drone of verbal abuse upsets Ginger, so Hawkeye puts his arm in a cast while he is asleep. Frank puts in for a transfer, and after a broadcast goes out of Frank telling Margaret he's leaving, she decides to leave as well. As
a result, Col. Blake puts both Hawk and Trap on double post-op duty until he finds replacements for Majs. Burns and Houlihan.
Unwilling to lose their two favorite patsies, and to be worn to a frazzle from doing 2 shifts in O/R, Hawkeye and Trapper hatch a scheme to prevent Frank and Hot Lips from leaving. That night, Hawkeye and Trapper pretend they have found gold, letting Frank overhear them. Frank then withdraws his request when he thinks he's found gold himself, although the joke is on him when he finds, amongst other things, a gilded jeep!
I know I've asked for a transfer before,
but this time I mean it! I want out!
There's nothing wrong with my arm!
You can't change my mind.
I woke up once and they'd given me
"The Princess and the Pea" treatment!
Oh, really? Well, I certainly
didn't bring last night on myself.
Oh! You guys!
It might not have come to this if you'd
had the backbone to maintain discipline.
If you're looking for the Gold Rush,
go down the road 100 years.
Take a look at these.
I found 'em down by the creek.
What a relief to know I'll never
have to listen to you two again.
Now, this has to be the
farewell scene of all time.
They were chrysanthemums
before Pierce and McIntyre got at 'em!
He's bringing some pork chops here tonight.
But, Frank, why? Have I done
something to displease you?
Frank, you're crushing my mums.
Just like I do my wife. Margaret,
we're both mature, grown-up adults. We...
I never drink with strangers, and as of
right now, I don't know either one of you.
and you two will be ship's doctors
on a garbage scow somewhere.
I almost forgot. It's time for my armed forces
soap opera, Just Plain MacArthur.
That's right. Nurse Dribble and Dr Manure.
Oh, Margaret, there's
so much to do and so little time.
It's absolutely inexcusable! You guys should
be sentenced to life in front of a firing squad.
I'm holding you directly responsible for this
unit losing a fair but competent surgeon,
Listen, big shot, I'm gonna do more
than that. I'm gonna do more than that.
Colonel Blake says you guys
are pulling double duty
Maybe we finally went too far.
- Want a martini?
- No, thanks. I just put one away.
Only good thing that ever
came out of his mouth.
We found enough to buy Frank's country club
and have him thrown out of it.
It's so unlike you.
You never liked the outdoors.
I just lost a temporary filling and every time
I suck air it's a new adventure in pain.
The colonel has rescinded my orders.
You have to unpack.
You're seeing another woman.
Aired 46 years ago - Mar 04, 1973
Hawkeye and Frank argue over Frank's surgical ability. Hawkeye performs a difficult operation and the patient does not recover, as he should. Hawkeye begins to doubt his ability and moves out of The Swamp. He decides to open up his patients again, and discovers a nick in the colon that even Frank admits anyone could have missed.
- Which is more than I would do for you.
insulting to nurses, bloody arrogant,
And, finally, you are a total and definitive
pain in the gluteus maximus!
What should I tell her, sir?
- Go away.
So typical. Colonel Blake calls you
into his office and you chew him out.
Reporting to your commanding officer
wearing nothing but a robe!
- See? Even she agrees.
- I want you to patch it up.
People must know Frank's
dangerous with sharp instruments,
The lace-curtain effect's
done by a fragmentation grenade.
Not if these ten fingers
haven't lost their magic.
What's his problem? Other than he ought
to be at home with his girlfriend?
You were on the table a long time.
People thought we were going steady.
I can't. Start him on IV penicillin.
He may be developing a wound infection.
- So what's the problem?
- He's got a temperature of 101.
Hey. Good luck with the kid.
White blood count 18,000,
temperature up to 102.
Give us the whole story. You shot your
mouth off with no trouble last night.
- Oh, patients? How's he doing?
- Last night's box score.
I got the missis to send me a cheque
made out to you, just to make things easier.
- I'm out.
- I call.
You won't go home when the war's over.
We're stayin' right here until I get even.
- Please, Mildred, I've had a tough day.
Nothing is for ever, Radar.
- Will you look after my money for me, sir?
The bubbling still, the clicking poker chips...
I'm losing the little mind I came here with.
What's going on?! I want privacy.
There's everything here but the kitchen sink!
You don't understand:
You're already interrupting.
Depends... on whether you're
dedicated to your patient or your ego.
It's so next week we can get
Love Life of a Gorilla and Bedtime for Bonzo.
- Captain Pierce.
- Taken to cruising the compound, Major?
That I missed something is not
exactly a new thought. But what?
You just assisted.
I ran the controls. I oughta know.
- You'll assist me.
- Wait till I'm dressed!
Aired 46 years ago - Feb 25, 1973
The camp tunes into the Army/Navy football game, only to be shelled and have an unexploded bomb land in the middle of the compound. They ring around trying to identify the bomb, and the camp prepares for the worst. Hawkeye and Trapper are left the
task of following instructions to disarm the bomb, which turns out to be full of propaganda leaflets from the CIA.
- Regimental Headquarters.
- Get me Regimental Headquarters.
How come my nurse needs a shave?
Hello? Operator, we've been cut off. Hello?
- There's an unexploded shell out there.
- We know, Frank.
Yeah, don't panic. I'm doing that
for everybody. Go help.
Keep the vibrations and noise to a minimum.
If you follow instructions,
you won't have a problem.
Short match goes out
and gives the bomb a physical.
Just write down all the markings
you can find.
The little black tips, they go in your ears.
Oh, that kind of bomb.
It's not a Russian bomb,
Chinese, Polish, Czech...
I mean, you know, when you wear, uh...
At the draft board, I ate the eye chart,
What can I do for you, Drake?
My advice is hoist anchor, shove off.
It's marked AFS-72485.
? Should old acquaintance be forgot...
I run across that field and tape that leg
good and tight, then run off.
I have a little confession I'd like to make.
I thought maybe you and I could
check out the supply tent together.
The stack is worth a million, and at the end
of the game we'll settle for half.
- Drake, I finally tracked your bomb down.
When it stops ticking,
the navy thinks it detonates in two minutes.
- Right there.
But with dignity.
Pierce! McIntyre! Can you hear me?
Aired 46 years ago - Feb 17, 1973
The camp suffers from the severe cold, except for Hawkeye who has received some long john's from his father. They get passed around from person to person, as a gift, a gambling stake, a trade, a bribe, stolen, given up to Father Mulcahy, who gives them to Henry, who returns them to Hawkeye as thanks for taking out his appendix.
Turn down the radiator.
I worked up a sweat out there.
- Stop dripping your filthy germs on my bed.
- $60, you can have the children.
? The snow is snowing
You keep 'em.
Some people don't care about
anybody but themselves.
OK, I bet 20 bucks.
Could I, uh... could I interest you in...
I want to see this underwear first.
I have very sensitive skin.
What were they?
to an astigmatic missing link
with four tens! That's how!
Can you walk at the same time? I want to
eat this before I have broccoli-sicles.
I just lost a fantastic hand-warmer
to another guy and I wanna see who it is.
I'll break his leg, set it and break it again.
She's got quite an appetite.
If you know what I mean.
Is that a whole one?
How long of a walk is it
from here to the soup, Sergeant?
- I'm reducing you to Corporal.
- Are you busting me?
I wonder if you know who...
might have left these here, sir.
Those are mine, you hermaphroditic weasel!
The moon, Margaret, the moon.
How would that look to our minister?
He lives up the street from us.
You mean if you ever get a pair?
- Take off your clothes.
- Take off my clothes?!
I gotta have long johns.
I'm getting a terrible draught up my skirt.
Major Burns, nobody takes me seriously.
I'm gettin' tired of that.
In surgery, perfecting
my sawing-the-man-in-half routine.
You wouldn't even have seen them
if Trapper hadn't coughed up his lungs!
Oh, my. Aren't they nice.
- I know. I hear it too.
- You do?
Certainly. But you're holding down
the hand I do that with.
I took the liberty of wearing them last night.
- Yes, sir?
- Are we interrupting anything?
- And they're johns. I guess they're his.
- Let's have 'em.
- What's the matter? Are you sick?
- No, don't be an idiot.
You're having trouble
digesting your appendix.
I don't have any symptoms.
Look, it'll all clear up the next time I throw up.
Aired 46 years ago - Feb 04, 1973
Once again, Hawkeye writes home to his father, telling him of the latest gossip: the camp gets a new surgeon, who turns out to be a fake; Hawkeye bets he can walk into the mess tent naked for lunch, and no one will notice; Radar cheats on his final
exam from the High School diploma company; Margaret rejects Franks advances and he gets drunk late into the night; the camp have a no talent night.
With the sun behind you,
I could see through to your shorts.
"I guess the sanest guy in the outfit
is Father Mulcahy."
- Let's go in the tent. I'll take a look at it.
- It's all right.
- Doctor, one good turn deserves another.
"I don't want you to think this is a madhouse,
Dad. We're nowhere near that organised."
order lunch stark-naked,
nobody would pay any attention to me.
"I don't know what Henry would do
I'm taking a correspondence course
Oh, no. That says that
I passed my final exam.
is trouble from the Triple-A High School
Diploma Company of Dellavin, Indiana.
- The seal's broken.
- No, no, no, no, no, no.
- That makes me throw up.
- Look, just settle down.
The isosceles triangle.
- That's cheating.
- It's my only chance.
"We then found out that, impossible as Frank
is as an enemy, he's intolerable as a friend."
? Oh, shut your cakehole
I sure hope that's not a song.
Hey, I had a brother used to call me that.
Hey, knock it off over there!
- What should I do?
- Fall down.
- I've always liked girls with your blood type...
- It's important.
Good. Then I'll see you.
Unless they plugged up the hole.
Report to the hospital. All personnel.
I've passed myself off as
a teacher, a lawyer, an engineer.
I'd like to say that tonight
Aired 46 years ago - Jan 28, 1973
Frank throws his back out whilst spending the evening with Margaret, and ends up in traction. He promptly applies for the Purple Heart, having been 'technically' wounded at a frontline unit. Tommy Gillis, an old friend of Hawkeye's, is writing a
book about the war, and pays him a visit. Later, Tommy is brought into the camp, seriously wounded, and Hawkeye can't save him. A 15-year-old kid is in the hospital to have his appendix out. He joined up to be a hero back home, but Hawkeye has him sent home, giving him Frank's purple heart.
There are at least a dozen
right here in this jar. From China.
- That's terrible.
- Those dumb commies.
- Are you a ventriloquist?
- Mm-mm. It's your roomie.
- Do you have a history with your back?
- It goes out every few years.
It seems you've applied for the Purple Heart.
Is that how you want it announced
at the awards ceremony?
- You won't endorse this idiot's application?
- That's "Major" to you!
Ohh... But I need Dr Pierce.
He's the only one who can help me.
I thought you had a way to beat the draft.
He was a bit of a sissy.
What is a guy like you, with
your background, doing in the infantry?
Right. You always hear this big,
loud ricochetjust before he gets killed.
You aren't gonna prance off and leave me?
contusions and abrasions.
- Why were they fighting?
- Nobody knows.
You ran for nothing, padre.
No last rites today.
D'you see his chest? Hardly a hair on it.
And walk out on Debra Paget?
Tell him where it hurts, Frank.
Don't be brave.
- When can I go back to my outfit?
- A few more weeks.
Oh. Then how come one
of the dwarfs is named Leather?
Cut it out. Come on, come on.
Now, what's all this about?
If I get you each a salami, will you stop
fighting? At least until your stitches heal?
For an appendix? If they sent you home
for that, I'd take my own out...
We was going steady, then she dumps me,
They don't know the difference.
It's none of my business.
If you wanna play marine, that's up to you.
Give me some suction. I can't see anything.
I mean, it's only natural
that you'd... you know.
If I had the answer, I'd be at the Mayo Clinic.
Aired 46 years ago - Jan 21, 1973
Hawkeye and Trapper operate on a famous Colonel - after discovering that he is particularly ruthless about sacrificing his men, they come up with a scheme to get him sent back to the states with a little unwitting help from Frank, Margaret, and a drunk Henry.
- Some real estate doesn't come cheap.
- We're not too hot for your business.
- And this war is not gonna last for ever.
- Well, no war's perfect.
Thanks for the hooch. I shall go out and get
myself a little exercise here. I'll see ya.
A reminder that he's a quarterback
and we're water boys.
He's racked up twice as many casualties
as any other commander,
- Morning, Frank.
- Wouldn't you like to know!
- But, sir...
- Oh! Ouch! Oh, my ear!
Except maybe he's become
a drinking buddy of Pierce and McIntyre.
Frank Burns is giving Henry a hard time
about your patient - Colonel Brighton.
Will the owner of a red pick-up truck,
Absence of pain.
They'll put someone else
in charge of my outfit.
- What do you mean?
- He slips away once in a while and...
Well, what about, uh...
I want to give you a checkup,
see about getting you on your way.
Pierce and McIntyre, they bring
nurses here, those degenerates.
What are you trying to do?
Oh, they're not his.
No, they belong to a nurse "friend" of his.
Kind of a head lag. Your thigh is fine,
because you're not suffering any leg lag.
No, this is my tent. I remember it,
because that's where the PA speaker...
The milk you made such a fuss about getting.
Why are you keeping him here?
sometimes a wound can trigger
a bigger problem beneath the surface.
that needs to be cuddled and held,
just like the rest of us.
I saw her getting spiffed up. Thought you two
were gonna tiptoe through the minefield.
- It's nothing like that.
- Then why the new hairdo and...
Would you promise me there's
nothing between you and the colonel?
- She's good-looking.
- You should see her in a sweater!
- Thanks for clueing me in.
- Oh, there's only one thing, Buzz.
I'm going to my, uh... tent.
I mean, it just seems funny
they say do it at night.
I'm not here as an officer. Or as a nurse.
You want it to be as strong as this one.
And I didn't even know they were in season.
- He can't keep his hands off me.
- I know you're there.
Where the deer
and the antelope play
Aired 46 years ago - Jan 14, 1973
Hawkeye creates a fake doctor, Captain Jonathan S. Tuttle, to give supplies to the local orphans. Henry wants Tuttle to be officer of the day, so Hawkeye creates a fake personnel file, and all his back pay is given to the orphanage. When General
Clayton wants to reward his generosity, Hawkeye is forced to invent a story about Tuttle jumping from a chopper without his parachute! Of course, Trapper's new friend, Captain Murdoch, obtained the fake dog tags and parachute...!
How did you come up
with a name like Tuttle?
Just in case you wet your cot.
- Only with tiny little breasts.
- Out! Out!
Or sign the carbon copies
and initial the originals.
Captain Tuttle? Which one's Captain Tuttle?
Oh, yeah, he signed the supply form.
Tuttle - I knew I'd seen his name somewhere.
- Frank, did you hear that?
- But I volunteered.
It's Tuttle's responsibility
to present himself. He's ignoring me.
Um... how about 1924?
That was a good year for doctors.
OK. Um... religion?
- No, that's a bit much.
- You should write fiction.
"Tuttle, Jonathan, Captain.
Serial number: 397-299-66."
"Auburn hair, hazel eyes..."
You know, there's still something
spooky about this Tuttle.
- Hello, General? Major Houlihan.
Yes, sir. What I want to know...
I can only tell you Tuttle and I
are both anxious for the change.
Major Burns and Captain Tuttle, sir?
I don't want Tuttle to get in trouble with you.
It's the least I can do for my buddy.
- Is that yours?
- It certainly does.
- Then I'll stop spreading it.
He's over at X-ray with Hot Lips. He said
something about doing some chest pictures.
Thank you very much.
If I find out you're seeing Tuttle,
I'll put my head under a jeep.
He said I could sign for him.
No, fortunately, I'm independently wealthy.
My father invented bill padding.
- I just got a letter from Sister Theresa.
- I didn't know you had a sister.
donated 14 months' pay to her orphanage.
Therefore, I've decided to come out
on the field tomorrow
- Where is Tuttle?
- Captain Pierce went to get him, sir.
Frank, don't be bitter. He's a fine American.
He's coming, sir. He's quite busy.
Yes, sir. I'm afraid you're
not gonna like this, sir.
How'd it happen?
except his parachute.
Aired 46 years ago - Jan 07, 1973
Radar gets a Dear John recording from home. Hawkeye and Trapper try to set him up with a date, but fail. Radar is taken by a new nurse at the camp and she is into poetry and music, so they coach him. Margaret wants to stop the relationship, so
Hawkeye and Trapper get between her and Frank until she relents. Radar's "Ahhhh, Bach!" and "That's highly significant," quotes win him the girl.
- Is it high?
My prescription: extra duty.
Come on, kid. What is it?
Hi, Radar. This is Linda Sue,
I'm awful sorry this happened,
Quit kissing that part here! Elroy!
- Forget it.
- Try it once.
- Oh, hey, what about Radar?
- Radar who?
Now, look. Let's face it:
I struck out in the World Series of love.
- Corporal, get the lieutenant's bags.
- Yes, sir.
Oh, that's all right. I'm not using it now.
I just drive the Welcome Wagon.
- Do you like Italian poets?
- No, but I'm crazy about lasagne.
Bach at Carnegie Hall.
Radar, you got a problem. Come here.
This Lieutenant Anderson has a brain.
You can't read all of these.
Familiarise yourself with names and dates.
- What if she corners me on something?
- OK, all right. You just...
"I consider that horse-and-buggy thinking."
- Ahh, Bach.
- Smile a little bit.
- Say something.
- Speaking of Tolstoy...
Actually, he was one of the hardest-working
neo-realist writers of the 19th century.
Radar reads an awful lot.
Making a fuss over an enlisted man?
Fawning all over him?
and I've got the London Symphony
All right, hold it.
That means my marriage
is only worth $1.78?
before you declare each other fit?
OK, folks, you want to...
Would you kind of settle...
for the treatment of this disorder.
Lights, Radar? Thank you.
followed, of course, by slide C....
It's been days and days
and days and days, Frank.
If a man shaves, does it have to mean he's...
Date?! What date?
Where were you?
What happened last night?
Aired 47 years ago - Dec 24, 1972
The nurses go to extremes lengths to find a date for Nurse Eddie - they won't go out with anyone until Eddie gets a date. The men draw straws, and Hawkeye is the big loser, especially after Eddie nearly kills him in a scene resembling teenage "mating" rituals.
Little did I dream,
when I was a young medical student,
Margie, I am 28 years old, and I have never...
- Seymour Chomkey.
- Nice name.
for the first month.
I can tell you that your problem is all mental.
My dear, Eddie is a lovely girl,
but she has a gift for calamity.
- A finger.
Don't you wanna know
what I heard while I peeked?
That attitude could destroy morale,
Listen. I've just given myself
the rest of the day off.
You're commanding officer!
Command the girls to cut it out!
- Shower's ready.
- Is it cold?
Someone, at whatever risk to his life or limb,
and dropped by helicopter
behind enemy lines.
whoever he may turn out to be:
They're wearing our uniforms,
but they're not built like us.
I want you to know I was fully opposed
to this degenerate, depraved, immoral,
Would you like some cream-of-leftover soup?
- Some coffee?
Margie tells me you'll be leaving us
in a couple of weeks.
and my family will have left
without a forwarding address.
- That's right.
- Those are only some of my qualities.
I find you interesting. I'd like to get to
know you in the short time we have left.
The first girl I really fell for,
it was just chemistry.
Want to give me one last kiss,
just in case she breaks my lips tonight?
What shall we drink to?
- It's all right, Hawkeye.
We're just two people waiting for a bus.
Or, in my case, an ambulance.
Aired 47 years ago - Dec 17, 1972
Hawkeye writes home, describing Christmas in Korea: Radar ships a jeep home, a piece at a time; Henry gives the monthly lecture on sex, with the aid of figure A and figure B; Trapper helps deliver a calf; Klinger and Frank get into a fight, but
Father Mulcahy smoothes things over; Hawkeye and Trapper sabotage Margaret's tent; Hawkeye flies to the front line dressed as Santa, to help a wounded soldier.
until we did a fluoroscope
of one of his packages,
- Let me give you a hand.
- Would you please, sir?
"Come to the mess tent with me, Dad,
and I'll buy you a cup of coffee."
"Thanks to these regulations,
we know what to do
"And the family."
Why should they know more than we do?
I've devoted my life to this subject.
At least a good many of the nights.
uh... the, uh... woman...
and wants to get married, but Figure A
is already married to, say, Figure C,
Moving along now, we come to the
matter of, uh, family reproduction.
It is necessary that they, uh...
The following have volunteered
for today's 10-mile fitness hike...
"The kind you never forget."
Whenever the locals want help,
it's Trapper John McIntyre they turn to.
for which service the doctor
received one gallon of mother's milk."
- Yes, ma'am.
- This time take one step closer to the razor.
- Oh, very good!
- My ma give me this when I left.
- Take it off.
- He's exhausted.
- Give it to me.
- Don't touch me,
He's tired. We're all tired.
I guarantee it.
Attention, all personnel.
When filling out Gl insurance forms,
"I've done my share
to keep up their morale."
"I'd make a grab for her, but I don't
know how to do that and salute her too."
"He and Hot Lips had a date the other night."
Gee, it all looks so nice.
I'll get 'em all! Each and every dirty...
Pierce, are you crazy?!
- I'm fine, Frank. Fine.
- Oh, the man's a beast! An animal.
- That's what she's doing now.
- Oh, yeah.
- Standing room only.
- How do I get there?
Aired 47 years ago - Dec 10, 1972
Hawkeye moves a wounded North Korean soldier into The Swamp, rather than let him be shipped out before he's stable. During the night he and Trapper play Dracula, and siphon off a pint of Frank's blood. The soldier then contracts hepatitis, so they have to test Frank without him knowing, and have to keep him away from Margaret and the patients.
If I hand out AB neg to somebody from the
other side, and then one of our kids needs it,
- You wanted these transfer orders?
- No, I want the transfer orders.
Henry, you're turning into a regular
army clown before our very eyes.
No sweat, Henry.
Everything's going to be OK.
Terrific. Take two splints out of petty cash.
Easy. Henry okayed it. He's not
taking up anybody's space but mine.
Not so loud, my count.
- You got enough?
- Almost. I want to put a head on it.
I'll go get Pai ready.
- Is he all right?
- He's fine.
Not a bad way to go, really.
Whether I'm there or not.
If Frank did have it, it'd be a lovely way
to get him out of our hair.
- Hey, how do you feel, pal?
- Feel? Me?
Yeah? What was it?
- High pulse rate.
- A little disoriented. Classic signs.
You know, we are gonna have to
check him out for his own good.
Frank, old buddy, let's hope
you're not too house-broken.
And don't ask me how I feel, because
you have no real concern for my welfare.
- I told you he'd be too hard-nosed to help.
- I thought for once he'd be a regular guy.
And now we'll try the other one.
- You don't think the first was different?
- No. Yes. Whatever.
- We're redecorating.
- What kind of nonsense is this?
If you'll just step this way, we have
a temporary officers' arrangement right here.
- Ready, sir?
- Hang on. You got the full scam?
We can't let him near any patients
until we get that report.
because she senses the presence
of her frequent partner,
Not only that, but Dish wants you
in post-op on the double.
- Yes, sir.
- Well, did I want to see him?
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
But I didn't send for you, Major. Really.
without the tawdriness
that fills their sordid little affairs.
- It's 4.30.
- Just watch your tongue.
- Can you say that in front of her?
It's your liver, actually.
It takes weeks for such symptoms to appear.
Aired 47 years ago - Nov 26, 1972
A rash of thefts breaks out in the camp. Missing pieces include Frank's silver picture frame, Margaret's hair brush, and Trapper's watch. The camp is searched and everything is found in Hawkeye's locker. Everyone thinks he did it. Hawkeye manages to
announce to the camp that the items will be dusted for prints to identify the real thief, and catches Ho-Jon. He needed money to bring his family from the North, and to bribe border guards.
- It's getting late.
I might just stay for 50.
- Frank, my brushes?
- Where are they?
- On the night table,
where I always keep them.
That's not all.
with jeweled escarpment.
- I've got post-op duty, Captain.
- Not for 26 minutes, you don't.
What a day! I sewed up enough
people to make a crazy quilt!
of cool harp strings.
Who stole my ""stizzle swick''?
[ Chattering ]
That's all right, my child.
You couldn't have known. Thank you.
Somebody took my spoon!
At ease, men.
- What's in here?
- Soot, sir.
...a complete waste of time,
Henry, this is crazy!
-The court-martial forms, Colonel.
-Court-martial? Wait a minute.
- Okay, let's knock it off.
- Let me know when you all
come to your senses.
[ Whistling ]
I'm just an ordinary man...
As with everything else,
it's all in here.
How would you assess
my general character?
[ Hawkeye On P.A. System ]
Tomorrow morning the
supply chopper is coming...
[ Hawkeye On P.A. System ]
Attention, the following report
immediately to the mess tent.
What is it, an air raid?
I trust you will forgive me for
disturbing you at this late hour,
You dislike me enough to wish me
transferred to another base,
because of his consistent losses
at the gaming tables.
- The man's a fruit cake!
- And yet you, Lieutenant,
Legendary? I've seen you
strike out in a geisha house.
Thus I made it publicly known
that there were fingerprints...
Aired 47 years ago - Nov 19, 1972
Henry receives a citation for the camp achieving the best efficiency rating, and then General Hammond reassigns him to Tokyo. Frank then changes the camp to be more military, and he confiscates Hawkeye's and Trapper's still. They use forged passes to go to Tokyo to convince Henry to come back and end up pretending Radar is sick.
the best record of any medical unit in Korea."
to award to Lieutenant Colonel Henry Blake
I don't know what to say.
I haven't prepared an acceptance speech.
Right down to my right-hand,
Corporal Radar O'Reilly,
I think back to the time when I first
considered a career in medicine,
Well, fine. I'll keep in touch with you on that.
We're going to miss you, chief.
Your fighting spirit, your little moods.
- Everything but Clausewitz on Hernias.
- Give me back my books.
Sir, it's been a privilege serving under you.
I hope we see each other real soon.
- Fitness reports.
- Not those.
You certainly came to the right place.
I could swear I heard a bugle.
- An inspection?
- What's "inspection"?
Sergeant, put these men on report.
- Take it out of here! That's an order!
- Watch it, buddy. This thing could go off.
or I promise you, there'll be hell to pay.
We have to give it careful,
considered, intelligent thought.
We could forge the general's signature on
some orders and send him back to the States.
It's crude, very crude, but I like it.
- After we get rid of Major Burns, then what?
- Hey, that's an important point.
We were happy when Henry was
in command. We understood each other.
Look, I got an idea, but I'll need
a couple of passes to Tokyo.
Gentlemen, with these
I promise you peace in our time.
- There's that sense of humour again.
- Henry, we've really missed it.
I don't exactly sit around my room
playing the kazoo.
Come on, man. All the time I was there,
I slept with a loaded gun under my pillow.
I'll tell you what I'll do. I'll send her
an obi coat or a hand-painted fan.
? Had you dropped me a letter,
I'd have hired a band...
- How are you?
- I'm OK.
Tell Spearchucker to get
some blood chemistries
- You're sorry now.
- We'll tell you when we know something.
- Hey, wait a minute.
How's he doin'?
- Man's inhumanity to man.
- Frank, I'm examining this patient.
Henry, listen. Let's do some more studies.
Enzymes, abdominal x-rays, the works.
I might do that.
Aired 47 years ago - Nov 12, 1972
John Hodges, a chopper pilot referred to as The Cowboy because of his gun holster belt and cowboy hat, has been hit in the shoulder, and arrives at the 4077th. He is expecting a letter--he's worried his wife Jean at home is leaving him for another
man ("She's probably off with some rodeo rider; she's a sucker for a 10-gallon hat!"). He wants to go home, but Henry refuses, stating Cowboy's wound isn't serious enough to merit a stateside ticket. Bad luck then follows Henry Blake like the seat of his pants: he gets shot at while golfing, his tent gets flattened by a driverless jeep, and the latrine explodes while he's inside. The Cowboy offers to fly Henry to Seoul and then threatens to shove him out! The letter finally arives for Cowboy, assuring he is loved. Hawkeye and Trapper uses the radio to convince The Cowboy to spare Henry's life and come down, at which they succeed.
- Oh, that's great.
- Oh, yeah, we do quality work here.
The Pony Express has been through.
I'll see what I can do.
- Great idea!
- I dare you.
- Is that right, McIntyre?
- No, sir. I was not pilfering. I was stealing.
This here's my pitching coach.
Police that butt.
And each one is worse
than the one before.
Yeah, but I think he's got
something at home that is.
Either that or "goodbye".
It's multiple choice.
He took away my wheels. Taste that.
OK, Henry, you may have the honour.
Terrific! Very nice, Henry.
- That's the only kind to get.
- I'm really starting to unwind.
- What was that?
- I don't know, but you'll have to take a stroke.
No, no. I'll concede the hole,
and the game.
- Jeep. Crash. Kill. Yes, sir.
You're not the first to try
to kill his commanding officer.
- When the what went through your where?
- He was here.
- Why don't you check the office?
I found him.
- Radar. Radar, sir.
She's probably off with some rodeo rider.
She's a sucker for a ten-gallon hat.
The army has its own
kind of snakes, don't it?
That's far enough.
You ready for dinner?
- We're worried.
- Welcome to the club.
Pack up your gear.
I'll get somebody to drive.
Now, you'll find a set of master keys.
- And no parades.
- That's not a very military attitude.
It'll just be a few days. It will be fine.
He's trying to get you a driver.
Not too many kamikaze types around here.
Then I found the wiring
and the alarm clock bits.
Say, shouldn't I have a parachute, too?
- Would you get lost?
Purple Rider, over.
And what's the name on the letter?
Aired 47 years ago - Nov 05, 1972
When Henry goes for some R&R, Hawkeye pretends to crack up so that Frank will let him and Trapper go on some R&R.
- I wasn't here last night!
- That's no excuse!
What is this? What's happening to us?
- Irritability from overwork.
Before you go, we want you to arrange
for a few days for us at the R and R.
If I don't get out of here, I'll start
picking flowers off the wallpaper.
Listen, maybe I've been unfair.
You've asked me out so many times and...
I know what you want. What they all want.
- He does very well looking after himself.
- Very well.
You touched my plate! You're not sterile!
Let me take him to Tokyo for some
R and R before he cracks up any further!
- Yeah, tell him to start without him.
- We're gonna be in a hotel in Tokyo.
This way, sir.
I waited for you in the bar until 4am.
You never came.
So, the sooner you trust me,
the sooner I can help you.
- No, no, no.
- Yes, yes, yes.
I'm in love.
That would be Major Houlihan?
I mean, I'm only a captain and he's a major,
but fair is fair. Don't you agree?
- Have Sherman report to my office.
- I'll tell him to see you.
and then set your arms and legs in plaster,
and hung you from the ceiling.
Captain Pierce can use
a few weeks of observation.
- You need tests.
- Oh, come on!
Easy. We're leaving in the morning.
That's an order.
- I'm speaking, of course, in the past tense.
- Just relax.
Why do you keep doing that?
Actually, I was on the outside,
fixing a hole in the tent.
Aired 47 years ago - Oct 22, 1972
The 4077th is designated as the setting for the making of an army film on Mobile Army Surgical Hospital units. Hawkeye is chosen as the star while Margaret and Frank compose a screenplay. The Eye Of The Hawk objects to the piece of propaganda that
filmmaker Lt. Bricker is producing and, having exposed the original film, reshoots a new one his way, starring himself as Groucho Marx-ish Yankee Doodle Doctor, and poking fun at glorifying doctors while concluding with a rather serious speech about the hell of war.
The lieutenant's on special assignment.
That's interesting, Major. Thank you.
How'd you like to have a shot at this?
OK, that does it! You got me, Bricker.
We promised MacArthur
we'd get the war on schedule.
I think they need a close-up.
- Since I was two.
- They're reflecting the lights.
"A group of brave men work
in a makeshift operating room,
"Every red-blooded American
knows, if he is wounded,
- Moves slow in the beginning.
- Maybe it gets better.
Wonder if she's still alive?
Actually, terrible rather than fine.
Someone who's very good with his hands
and with tools, like a surgeon, got...
- Has he left yet?
- Save your voice, darling.
Get our gear loaded and take the truck.
I'll take the next chopper.
Gee, I told my folks I was coming
over here to avoid making house calls.
They'll make that movie at some other
MASH outfit. That'll leave us out in the cold.
Lieutenant Colonel Henry Blake
and Captain Pierce
and Trapper and I come out and
look him over before they take him away.
Tonight in the mess tent, at 2100 hours,
At ease. Good to see you, Major.
Excuse me, sir.
This film that we're all about to see
for the first time is the general's baby.
Marvellous. So professional.
Not a very attractive military post,
mainly because the men of the 4077th
Just a little medical-school humour, sir.
Radar, you're terrific.
I'm certainly glad one of us is.
- If this hurts, you'll be the first to know.
- What about anaesthesia?
Aired 47 years ago - Oct 15, 1972
Sergeant Baker arrives at the camp with his Moose. Hawkeye decides to find a way of getting her away from Baker. He tries ordering him to release her, tries buying her, and then resorts to cheating at cards. He releases her but she won't go, so he tries to teach her how to be independent.
- That slob bought a human being!
- Why doesn't the army do something?
Thought you said you were
gonna do something about it.
You understand that it's wrong
for human beings to own each other?
- Why do you stay with this Baker?
- Are you in love with that slob?
Sergeant pay money for me.
I can leave only when he say.
- You get it?
- I get it, Captain-san. Roger wilco.
- That is a direct order.
So save that GI crapola
for the folks back home.
You know, you're a pretty decent guy
at that, Baker. Right?
- You're outta your mind.
- Have a martini.
Doesn't that have any meaning?
What's the purpose of that? Practice?
Oh, I'm good for it. I'll pay ya.
Who do I have to kill?
- She's all yours. I explained the whole deal.
- You understand, Young Hi?
Roger wilco. I belong to you.
- Young... Young Hi!
- Yes, I come back.
"Dear Dad, I know you always
wished I had a sister..."
The man who coined the phrase
"No moose is good moose."
It's all arranged. There's a truck leaving
this afternoon for Seoul and she'll be on it.
- I be good worker for you!
- Good luck, Young Hi.
Oh, Hawkeye. Oh, your kisses
are driving me crazy.
Someday, baby, all this will be yours.
The minefield, the cesspool - all of it.
- I didn't hear any choppers. What is it?
- The moose is back in town.
- What's the idea?
- I your moose, Hawkeye-san. I come back.
he brings one of them back here,
and then they take her away.
No, no, no. You take that bunk over there.
- OK. Hello there, I'm Doctor Pierce.
- I am good?
- You are beautiful.
Pop's OK. Mom's still
delivering for the black market.
Aired 47 years ago - Oct 08, 1972
Frank Burns complains about Hawkeye Pierce's disrespect...and Henry appoints Hawkeye chief surgeon, to Burns's shock. The rest of the 4077th "coronates" Hawk while Frank and Hot Lips complain to General Barker. The General's visit provides him with
a view of life at the 4077th M*A*S*H unit: camp hijinks, a poker game, and a surgery session. This shows him M*A*S*H has fun but gets the job done.
and I already had
a $35,000 house and two cars.
- Can I help?
- Help her retract.
- How many are waitin'?
- Two dozen, at least.
You left it in your tent, sir.
Not allowed, Henry. Page 85,
The Army Officer's Guide.
- This way, sir.
- Show him in.
- You do it. I don't care.
- They don't ask me the questions!
- Burns does outrank you, Pierce.
- It took the UN to do it.
- I'm giving it to Pierce.
- Oh. Thanks.
Frank, in case you haven't
read the papers, there's a war on.
Margaret, something just awful's happened.
Frank, it's not unmanly to cry.
at 2100 tonight there will be
a special ceremony in the mess hall
They're gonna get theirs, boy...
"Dear General Barker, I think I should call
to your attention..." Da-da-da-dum...
Just ask any little girl I grew up with.
Now how will I be able
to write the general?
I guess, outside of our families, we'll never be
closer to anybody than we are to each other.
The trappings of your office, sire.
The situation better be as bad
as you indicated.
I may want to see you later, Major,
for your own personal slant on all this.
- And you, Kaplan?
- Full house.
- Ahh, three of a kind, all bad.
Oh, hiya, General. What are you doing?
Marching in your sleep?
- That soldier requires surgery.
- When do you intend to operate?
- Hopefully, never. If I have to, around 3am.
Your two and two more.
If I don't win this pot, I'll never be able
to send my sister a new truss.
Still tryin' to get out
on a psycho, eh, Klinger?
- Just playin', sir.
- That I can see. But what?
- Forget it.
- She gonna have you followed out here?
- No, it's for when I get back home.
Now, at three o'clock, he's
been given three pints of blood,
Aired 47 years ago - Oct 01, 1972
Trapper and Hawkeye seek to keep a new nurse from being transferred by Hot Lips, and they vie for her affection. Henry Blake, challenged by another commander to a boxing tournament, makes Trapper fight a big, intimidating soldier in exchange for
keeping the nurse at the 4077th. Hawkeye and Ugly John employ the use of a glove soaked with ether to insure Trapper's victory, which impresses the nurse. Margaret and Frank's attempts to unfix the match collapses, as they are flattened by the unconscious boxer!
At least she had no trouble
figuring out your sex.
Twelve straight hours of surgery
has me whipped.
I was, but I didn't say where, did I?
Doesn't know if she's coming or going.
- You put yourself in our hands.
- Actually, these go on your legs.
- What are these?
- Red tape, sign this, sign that.
Sir, the main sport in this outfit
is avoiding calisthenics.
- Well, well, Dr Jekyll and Dr Jekyll.
- Henry, we gotta ask you something.
- She has two of the best...
- I'm sure.
- What's he want?
- Maybe we can help.
And he wants us to put up a boxer.
Now, if one of you two guys
would go three rounds with him,
Just a thought...
- I knew it!
- But I'm not in shape!
I'd love to. I was on the boxing team too.
You really got a bad shoulder?
- How about ten?
- Pay up now?
He's just loosening up now.
He's gotta get in shape.
Let's go! Pick those legs up!
Try it again, try it again.
What does "mean" mean?
Mean means nothing.
This fight has just been called
on account of chicken.
A little obvious.
A horseshoe is gauche. Ether is subtle.
- Get him in a clinch.
- Hold it near his nose.
- Gentlemen, may I join you?
- Please, not while we're eating.
Me, doctor. Need hands... operate.
Are you sure that Nurse Cutler's worth it?
I really don't want you to get hurt.
- Did you get it?
- Nothing but pure distilled water.
In this corner, representing
the 3099th Mobile Army Hospital,
All right, fellas, I want a good, clean fight.
Stick it in his face!
What's the matter with you?!
What are you doing at the prom?
Aired 47 years ago - Sep 24, 1972
After black marketers hijack the 4077th's supply of hydrocortisone, Hawkeye and Trapper concoct a deal with a local black marketer, Charlie Lee, to get some more. The catch: Henry's antique oak desk, which they must trade in order to get some of it.
Margaret and Frank become suspicious about their plotting, and about the Koreans who come to check out the desk, which is whisked away by chopper as Henry and Frank watches in disbelief.
Frank's gotta stop every five minutes and do
a commercial for your friendly American war.
I bet you don't know
what kind of wood this is.
- Don't do that.
- Black market.
- Off the desk.
if you do have somebody
that can bring us Bob Hope for Christmas.
- I tried.
- That was trying, huh?
we don't deserve the illustrious reputation
we've tried so hard to achieve.
I mean, with all this black-market action,
you know, they're like piranhas.
- Come on, Charlie, what is it?
- I've been getting a grab right around here.
Charlie, you should take maybe
long weekends, huh? Try some golf.
There's a lot of call for that.
- Where are we gonna come up with that?
- We'll give it to you in trade.
A man of your importance shouldn't be
behind a puny piece of furniture like this.
A genuine, American, antique desk.
Henry will be the one with
the furniture polish in his hand.
I don't suppose you'd care for
a little refreshment this early in the day?
Well, here we go. A little hair
from the dragon, as it were.
- Yeah, don't leave out a thing.
- I bet you don't know what kind of wood it is.
- Oh, the top comes off.
- Ah, the top comes off.
No, I don't wanna buy any watches.
I'll have the truck in front
of this building at 0600.
Something that'll get 'em court-martialled
and behind bars for 20 years.
Why didn't they make things
like they do today?
- It's beautiful.
- Thank you.
How does a guy who's so bad with a needle
always know right where to jab us?
I happen to know the colonel
despises duck sauce on his egg roll.
It so happens he looks fantastically like the
man that tried to sell me a watch yesterday.
MPs? Yes, sir. Maybe another time.
Got to solve big case.
Forget it. The truck's gone.
The major ordered him out.
- marketeers operating on this base.
- Black marketeers? On my base?
Aired 47 years ago - Sep 17, 1972
At the 4077th Mobile Army Surgical Hospital (M.A.S.H) unit in Korea, two army doctors by the names of Hawkeye Pierce and Trapper John McIntyre receive some exciting news in the mail. Their Korean house boy, Ho-John got accepted into Hawkeye's old
college. Hawkeye and Trapper decide to hold a party filled with music, dancing, and alcohol to raise money for Ho-John's plane trip to the U.S. They achieve this by raffling off a weekend pass with a nurse, Lieutenant Dish for R&R in Tokyo.
I'll debride the wound, then
we'll go in after the spleen, okay ?
But if you don't move, I'm gonna
have to cut around your "" B"" cups.
- The biggest one you got.
- Get your seams straight.
Give me a clamp.
And as for my ability
as a doctor,
We've all had 1 2 straight hours
of meatball surgery in there !
- Oh, yeah. Was that the one with the--
- Yeah, right.
All right. Thanks.
You guys got mail.
She still thinks I got sent
to Korea as part of some
secret plot to cheat on her.
as dean of the college,
""It was good hearing from you.
Where are we gonna get
a thousand dollars ?
Captains Pierce and McIntyre
to see you, sir.
Now, what we want from you
is two weekend passes
so we can raise this tuition.
Which nurse have you
conned into doing this ?
Hawkeye, that makes me crazy.
Yeah, I'll tell you
after I finish my lunch.
You walk off with this raffle,
we're gonna be able to sell
tickets to your lynching.
Since when are you
interested in the Bible ?
And a distillery !
- Oh, that's okay.
- It's all right, Frank.
Don't worry about it.
Frank'll report it to Hammond,
and he'll put my butt in traction !
[ Rotors Whirring ]
#Happy days are here again #
By order of the acting
commanding offiicer, Major Frank Burns.
- Hey, Frank, I'm glad you got here.
- [ Mutters ]
- [ Hawkeye ] What's that, Frank ?
You still haven't told me
how I get out of...
- Oh, I thought you'd heard.
- Heard what ?
Personally, I don't plan
to work if I'm busted.
What could she do to us ?
Excuse me. Don't get up.
we raised over
1 ,800 bucks tonight !
Those two ! They're ruining
this war for all of us !
- I'm afraid we can't do that, General.
General, look. Hey, you can
put us in the clink after.