Aired 39 years ago - Mar 24, 1980
A no-nonsense Colonel, who is notorious as a hard-nosed disciplinarian, visits the 4077th during an outbreak of April Fools' Day pranksterism. Colonel Potter tries in vain to halt the mayhem before Colonel Tucker arrives in camp.
Sir, I must protest the rash of mindless
pranks being perpetrated around here.
Klinger, how would you like
to get the last rites... and a few lefts?
of the surgeon general's office,
is coming to observe our medical setup.
Uh, sir, about that three-day pass
I just decided to ask--
But, sir, I'm already
drowning in paperwork.
Klinger, did you see anybody else
lurking around here earlier?
We're talking about a man
who picks his teeth with a rusty nail.
- Thanks for the room service, Margaret.
And I'll follow your instructions
to the letter.
All he said was no jokes while Tucker's
here. Tucker's not here yet.
No help will be forthcoming from the guy who
had ''Kilroy'' painted on his head while he slept.
Why should it?
once you get the hang of the Luther
Rizzo secret of military success.
Hey, play your cards right...
Is your hat on too tight?
- I know, I know.
- Listen, you stay here.
Those weasels! Oh!
- Where is my tent?
- We pitched it somewhere.
- No, he's the idiot, and he's the schmo.
- This is disgraceful.
here to observe your
medical staff in action.
Oh. How do? Uh--
Sir, your quarters have been prepared with
fresh linen, fresh fruit and fresh air.
Despite my direct orders...
The senior inspecting officer...
Sorry you were out of your tent
before I could serve your breakfast.
Idle hands are the devil's workshop.
Hey, he just saved this kid's life.
but when it comes to cutting,
these people are the real McCoy.
If you'll excuse me, sir, I must fill out
daily reports and deliver mail.
- Are you tired, Captain?
- As a matter of fact, I am.
Why, Doctor, you don't have
anything to hide, do you?
- I hardly need the support of a woman.
- [ Gasps ] Wh--
and I can't think
of a better way to start...
you're all on report
for gross insubordination...
I'm doing the daily reports,
Colonel Potter's correspondence--
- Even the Sphinx is sweating.
- They've broken you.
as you can plainly see,
I wasn't born yesterday.
Of course I tried to set an example.
I am queen of Egypt.
- Get up from there!
- Easy, Potter.
I just thought of something.
- Let the crime fit the punishment.
- I love it.
I still say we should wait until he's
sleeping and glue his feet together.
I'll have a shot and a beer.
What'll you have?
Aired 39 years ago - Mar 10, 1980
Angered by the way civilian doctors in the States are profiting from the war, Hawkeye presents the Army with a bill for his medical services. Meanwhile, Charles reluctantly demonstrates American medical practices to three Korean medics, and is on the receiving end of their medical expertise.
Aired 39 years ago - Mar 03, 1980
B.J. finds himself attracted to a famous war correspondent, Aggie O'Shea, who has fallen in love with him.
Well, okay, but you'll be up all night
sticking postage stamps on my geisha girl.
What I want is to be sent to Tokyo.
There's also an extra bunk in my tent
if you're not choosy about roommates.
So, now that you've seen our world-famous
Mess Tent, what can I show you next?
Really? Oh, there is something
that I'm kind of curious about.
Whither thou goest,Jackson.
Do you mind a backseat driver?
- Needling a nurse?
- I surrender already.
That's what I had in mind--
sticking close, playing doctor.
Well, it doesn't exactly hurt.
It just feels kind of heavy.
How do, ma'am. I'm sorry I turned in
before I had a chance to meet you last night.
- We've got Aggie and Grandpa Moses here.
- Oh, really, Colonel?
- Scout's honor, not a giggle.
- All right, let's go.
- You're frothing at the mouth.
- You betcha I'm frothing.
Now, what are you doing?
- Who's this cute little guy?
- Used to be my clerk.
Oh. This man I recognize.
- I'm no Norman Rockwell.
- No need. We already have one.
Sugar Ray beats Jake LaMotta,
and I'm a sportswriter.
to put the Phillies ahead of the Dodgers
and into the World Series.
Couple of trips over here, and I'm a war
correspondent with Bill Mauldin overtones.
You don't find a lot of women
in your line of work.
- Does it show?
Please. I hate the way
you beat around the bush.
- Aggie, you're really something.
- Oh, let's not lose control.
You're an extraordinarily
and the feeling is very, very mutual.
- Good thinking, Houlihan.
Still, this place is no picnic.
Well, we're all adult.
Oh, that's a laugh.
Hold it right there.
Mmm! That is quite good.
Ho, ho. I didn't run away last night.
It's a wonderful day for, uh-- for--
- ? That's all I live for ?
- He sings very well.
So, listen, uh,
how do you feel today?
Can be. These kids
never come in here laughing.
- I feel pretty good, mostly. How you doin'?
and my Aunt Shirley,
not necessarily in that order.
Into the sac around the heart
to drain it.
Anything close to the heart is risky.
Would you like a second opinion?
viciously gossiping about tawdry,
backstreet romances, and I'm not in 'em.
Isn't he the Chinese baseball star?
It's nice to know you find
my personal life so entertaining.
I'll give you a hand.
It's the way I'm beginning
to feel about her.
I never met a woman like her.
She's so different, so exciting.
and he'd be hanging around
the malt shop with Emmy Lou.
Aired 39 years ago - Feb 18, 1980
The 4077th can't escape the Korean War, even in its dreams. Exhausted after two days without sleep, members of the 4077th steal away for catnaps and experience dreams that reveal their fears, yearnings and frustrations.
Aired 39 years ago - Feb 11, 1980
Klinger redecorates his quarters, but the resultant ridicule he receives drives him to new heights in his efforts to get out of the Army. Meanwhile, the doctors are perplexed by the reaction of an Asian-American war hero who tries to kill himself when he's told that he will be going home. Sidney Freedman is called in to assist.
Aired 39 years ago - Feb 04, 1980
Irritated that the 4077th is planning a "surprise" party for him, Hawkeye volunteers to go to the aid of a wounded surgeon at the front. An additional irritant to Hawkeye is the arrival of Dr. Borelli, a wisecracking medical advisor with whom he habitually disagrees.
A what? A fist?
Somebody picking on you, Father?
They're interested in you. You have to
realize these people are very bored.
Hawk, will you look around?
See how depressed these people are?
Laughing at their stupid gag gifts
and pretending I'm surprised?
Hey, hey. Dr. Borelli is here!
- You haven't met our C.O., Colonel Potter.
Sir, I'll put this stuff out
to thaw in the V.I.P. tent...
Didn't I always
know you as Hawkeye?
You still got that cuckoo who runs around
dressed like Dame May Witty?
[ All Chattering ]
Well, Dr. Borelli, what new medical
information have you brought us this time?
This is kind of a body shop. We send 'em
down to Seoul for major tune-ups.
You can give us all the poop
in the morning in my office at 0800 hours.
Now, I've got some paperwork to finish up.
What say we put a cork on it for tonight?
- No, I gotta go.
- Come on. Relax.
- Hold it. Hold it! Listen!
- ...everybody talking at once!
We could dress up in civilian clothes
and come as actual people.
Oh, he'd love it,
once we got him tied to the chair.
Father, I refuse
to take part in a senseless bash...
- A costume party.
- Something exotic. An Arabian Night--
Why don't you ask Borelli?
He's an expert on everything.
Gee, what's everybody talking about?
Don't pick nits, Major. It's that
tiny imperfection that makes it special.
- You gave him a hint.
- Fix the cake.
Major, I think you'd
better move your chair a bit.
There's an emergency call for you.
Okay, people. We've got a problem.
A Battalion Aid surgeon's been badly hurt.
I'd feel awful if I was
back here, snug and safe...
- Pierce, will you get going?
We're not doing Hawkeye's birthday.
We're doing B.J.'s anniversary.
Just with one hand.
I'll skip the corn on the cob.
Hey, you want to eat the cheese? Go ahead
and eat the cheese. What do I care?
- Trust me. It's terrific. Come on. Try it.
- I don't want--
No more bickering.
We're here to do a job, okay?
I did everything I could
to get him ready, sir.
All right.Jarvis, start another unit of blood.
Then wash your hands and put on some gloves.
- Scrub like what?
- You know, like that.
but we spend a lot of time dragging guys
off the line while people are shooting at us.
He may be just another patient to you,
but he's damn special to me.
Even if he needs a graft...
Leave it open. He'll be fine. Besides,
there's less danger of infection.
First save Captain Kramer's life.
Then you can kill each other.
Have some punch, Hunnicutt, so we can
get this glorious occasion over with.
Hold it. We got customers.
In here, guys.
Is this a special occasion? Or is this
one of your everyday candlelit suppers?
- [ Explosion ]
- That was a lot closer.
Let me see the other one.
Aired 39 years ago - Jan 28, 1980
Tired of their constant complaints about the quality of recreational activities at the 4077th, Colonel Potter appoints Hawkeye and B.J. as the new morale officers. Winchester's morale has already reached a new peak: He's ecstatic about his operation
on a wounded soldier, Sheridan, which saved the boy's leg, leaving only "negligible" side effects - less use of his right hand. However, the soldier was a concert pianist before the war, so Winchester obtains music written by Maurice Ravel for a pianist that had lost a hand in World War I.
[ Hawkeye ] Nothing ever changes.
Same old love stories in the Mess Tent.
- Margaret, I shall need another nurse, please.
- Yes, I'm gonna handle it.
Once again from the Arrogance Ballroom,
you've just heard Satchmo Winchester...
there's slight damage to the flexor tendon
and the neurovascular bundle.
I'm fed up with your silly jokes
about the movies, the food...
A thriller from
contents to appendix.
Ah, that wit and humor warms
the cockles of this old ticker, boys.
Top of the morning,
bringers of mirth and good cheer.
- Oh, very good.
That should be easy, considering the fact
that the best one we've seen in months is...
Here's the list.
I'd like it filled immediately, please.
I'm warning you two.
I want those cosmetics...
- You're quite a lucky lad.
When you consider that boys
come through here every day...
- For how long?
- Afraid it'll be permanent.
I'm a concert pianist.
[ Chuckles ]
I see. Oh.
These folks expected
a lot from you.
When are we gonna get those
new movies you promised, huh?
- Oh, great. What do we do,
show it on a pillowcase?
- With selected tall subjects.
But who has to stand over
this slop every day...
This place is a cat's
whisker from loco.
What kind of a party?
- You don't have a thing in mind, do you?
- Even less than that.
David, I'm sorry to awaken you, but...
I feel that we need to talk.
You have a very special gift.
- Of course I care.
- Then you must not give up.
- No! A picnic!
Huge, boiling kettle full of lobsters,
crabs, clams, whatever they've got.
Me? You want me to drive
halfway across Korea...
Klinger, this is a list
of pieces of music.
The natives are hungry tonight.
Listen to the pounding of those gums.
- Somebody get a rope!
- Let's season 'em!
we'll get a postcard
from Toledo any day now.
- You dopes!
- You idiots!
Shh. I told 'em
I was taking 'em to the circus.
What a terrific idea!
These crabs are delicious.
and a fun-filled trip in Seoul.
What the hell
is this all about?
- Are you familiar with the story behind the Ravel?
- No, and I don't really--
who, like him, was willing
to accept this great challenge.
Wrong. Because the gift
does not lie in your hands.
or you can find new ways to
share your gift with the world--
Aired 39 years ago - Jan 21, 1980
Hawkeye is appointed temporary commander of the 4077th when Colonel Potter rushes off to Tokyo on a mysterious mission. While in command, Hawkeye's main problem is housing a large group of Korean refugees comprised mainly of rambunctious children who need medical care.
Hawk, the only order you've given
in two days is for a double scotch.
This is Dr. Pierce, benevolent despot.
I'm Dr. Hunnicutt, loyal subject.
- Some puncture marks too.
- We better inoculate them for tetanus.
Did you get at those weekly reports...
Just your laundry, sir.
They starched your shorts again.
- [ Children Squealing ]
- Children! Children!
[ Speaks Korean ]
- [ Chuckling ]
- Eh, I guess it's all in the delivery.
What we need now
is cool, calm leadership...
- [ Giggling ]
- Hey. hey.! Come on, slugger.
I got ya!
[ Laughs ]
the Big Bad Wolf
slides right down the chimney.
- Night, kids.
Who in the name of Annie's argyles
are all these kids?
But things got a little complicated.
Dr. Pierce says no problem.
Well, you have to understand
the army's sense of humor.
Oh, Colonel. this is the lady
who brought us all the kids.
It sensitizes the whole system.
We're doing 'em a favor by eating 'em.
The whole world's spinning down
the tubes, and nobody even seems to notice.
''To Colonel Sherman Potter from Smith,
Smith and Brown, attorneys-at-law.''
Okay, ten shots-- one every two hours.
All the Indians got them--
Father Mulcahy, Major Houlihan...
- I don't understand.
- You won't believe what was left on my door.
No.Just ordered me to deliver 'em
and made a beeline for his office...
Or a will.
- his mood, and the package from lawyers.
- Yes, it would.
He says he'll explain
everything tomorrow night.
You can't be a mother hen...
[ Chuckles ]
Come here, son.
See? That private is me in Paris.
I was just a kid.
I just pray to God they stop this war...
It's top-notch, honest. Watch.
Okay, kid, this is it.
- [ Grunts ]
- We can use all the blessings we can get.
No matter what
the problem may be.
It was a long time ago--
1 91 7, to be exact.
Went through hell together
and lived to get drunk about it.
The shells were screaming, and we were
singing and toasting our friendship.
We'd save this bottle,
let some legal eagle stow it for us...
For good or bad, you're
looking at the last survivor.
I've been a very lucky man.
Aired 39 years ago - Jan 14, 1980
Colonel Potter turns crotchety when he catches the mumps, and his condition is worsened when Winchester gets the same disease and has to be quarantined with him. A temporary replacement surgeon, Newsome, is quickly brought into the 4077th and seems to be a gem in terms of both personality and ability.
and God knows there isn't a pillow around
that could go the distance with ya...
- His very own roomie!
- So here he is now...
- This is a private room. Go someplace else.
- There is no place else.
You're too modest, Winchester.
yours does not appear to be a standard
army issue folding canvas cot.
- Yes, but, Colonel--
- Don't even think it, Winchester.
I'm disinfecting the place.
We got mumps here, and I gotta be careful.
Klinger, Maxwell Q.
[ Laughs ]
21 -1 5.
Now I know what the corporal
is spraying the office with.
hotbed of combat.
Let's go, Steve. Another
''come as you're hurt'' party.
Well, this isn't
exactly new to me.
mostly in pieces--
Keep that pressure up.
Kid had about 1 2 pounds
of shrapnel in his leg.
Kid kept his leg.
We found the battalion.
Colonel, it hardly requires
an advanced degree in differential calculus...
Some Zane Grey maybe.
?? [ Caruso Singing In Italian ]
can hardly be mentioned
in the same breath with the immortal...
This is Dr. Steve Newsome.
He's our replacement surgeon.
Most, uh, reassuring.
Well, that's a good guess.
I did my undergraduate work there.
[ Man Over P.A.]
Attention, all personnel. Rise and whine.
We'll take him first. Okay,
see you in O.R. under the big clock.
I'll tell you though.
I would never have taken you
for an early riser.
- Couldn't sleep.
- How could anybody
with all that gargling going on?
All right, out with it.
But give me the abridged version.
Sir, I will
never be whole.
The odds are you'll wind up in a house
filled with little roman numerals.
At least the other doctors
have something to do.
Because my pleasures
are a little more on the quiet side!
- Take a nap.
- I'm not sleepy! [ Clears Throat ]
I demand my rights.
I'm going to play my music.
- Oh, no.!
- [ Potter ] Oh,yes.!
Get him under. Why didn't we get
two replacements when we ordered one?
- Isn't there any chance we can reconstruct?
- No, the artery's gone.
[ Hawkeye ] Steve?
Aired 39 years ago - Jan 07, 1980
Horrified by the gigantic size of his monthly bar tab at the officer's club, Hawkeye vows to give up booze for a week. Meanwhile, Winchester desperately tries to halt his sister's impending marriage to a man he considers unworthy of the Winchester heritage.
Aired 39 years ago - Dec 31, 1979
A baby born to a Korean woman and an American GI is abandoned at the 4077th. Knowing that Amer-Asian children are often mistreated in Korean society, the troop sets about the frustrating task of finding a new home for the infant.
It always amazes me how a baby
can take an otherwise normal adult...
a fact confirmed by our ever-vigilant
sentries and their seeing-eye dogs.
I am about to make
a Solomon-like decision.
She doesn't like strangers.
- It was for a good cause, Major.
- It better be.
It's enough to drive a man
to Officers' Candidate School.
I can just see you with a house full
of little teeny majorettes.
- That's a good idea.
- She's mysterious, like the shifting sand.
That gutter you're in
is a festival of old sneakers...
[ Margaret ]
Isn't she lovely?
have been emasculated...
She'll end up a virtual slave--
Armies, for centuries,
have fought around it, left it untouched.
But it's the best we can do.
And no funny stuff. The Red Cross ain't
exactly headquarters for rib-tickling.
Why don't you do something
about the Amerasian babies?
Me too. See you.
Thanks for the use of the hall.
- handed down from father to son.
- Pay attention now.
There you have it, my dear.
But it'll be a boy--
somebody I can take to the Mud Hen games...
That's a D.F., C-1 39.
That's a disposition form.
The company commander then recommends
for approval or-- or rejection.
- God gets it.
- Nope, the 8th Army.
We fill out this D.F. form.
We buck it all the way to MacArthur.
I explained to you that this is covered
under Korean civil law.
Captain, there is a war
going on out there.
She's doing great.
At least she had a good day.
Hold it down,
Threatening to file the A.G.'s
top aide under ''D'' for ''Deceased''...
and I'm not trusting anybody's
damn sensitivity but my own.
- Who do we talk to, Yugoslavia?
- I am sorry.
Its culture goes back
many, many centuries.
Korean law barely acknowledges
France, Great Britain,
[ Clock Ticking ]
Nothing much medical going on.
[ Laughing ] I do apologize
for these constant interruptions.
of these matters themselves,
I fail to understand.
Look, if you wish to accomplish
our objective, you will leave this to me.
- Oh! How gauche!
- No? Just like that? No?
- Pierce, please.
from a blood relative
in the child's country of origin.
Just a moment. Mr. Prescott,
there are always alternatives.
We are discussing
a little girl--
- We'd best be off.
- I hope we're doing the right thing, Father.
you sure turned
this place upside down.
Aired 39 years ago - Dec 17, 1979
Friction arises between B.J. and Winchester when they are asked to write an article for a prestigious medical journal, on how they saved a soldier's life with a daring operation. Meanwhile, Hot Lips receives an eventful visit from Scully, her combat soldier beau.
Aired 39 years ago - Dec 10, 1979
A brawl at Rosie's Bar puts Rosie in the hospital, and the 4077th doctors are pressed into service as temporary saloon-keepers. Meanwhile, Father Mulcahy is apprehensive that his long-pending promotion to captain will again be denied. Potter: "The Pentagon. Weird looking building. Four walls and a spare. Monument to Murphy's Law."
Aired 39 years ago - Dec 03, 1979
Klinger discovers that his duties as company clerk include catering to the eccentric whims of the 4077th officers. Consequently, the unusual demands by Klinger's superiors leave little time to write a letter home to Toledo. Meanwhile, the Doctors are concerned about a young soldier who appears to be mentally deficient.
Aired 39 years ago - Nov 26, 1979
Hawkeye and BJ race against the clock to save a soldier from paralysis. BJ harvesting an aorta from a dead soldier doesn't sit well with the soldier's friend.
Aired 39 years ago - Nov 19, 1979
Hawkeye and BJ lose their way while rushing urgently needed antibiotics to the 4077th, which is wracked with low-mileage Thanksgiving turkey-induced salmonella. Wandering back to M*A*S*H, the pair are found by a peculiar North Korean soldier.
Aired 39 years ago - Nov 12, 1979
Charles returns to the 4077th after a trip to Tokyo with an uncharacteristic hangover and the uneasy feeling of a romantic entanglement. Meanwhile, the hospital struggles to find a cure for an outbreak of deadly hemorrhagic fever.
Aired 39 years ago - Nov 05, 1979
A South Korean Woman misinterprets Klinger's motives when he tries to aid her daughter financially. Meanwhile, Hawkeye wrestles with his conscience over a promise made to a dying soldier, Eddie Hastings.
Aired 39 years ago - Oct 29, 1979
A beautiful and ambitious young nurse, Harris, who plans to become a doctor when she leaves the Army, finds herself in a misunderstanding with Father Mulcahy. Meanwhile, the camp's water supply is depleted, and the rest of the 4077th is more concerned about where their next shower will come from.
Aired 39 years ago - Oct 22, 1979
Klinger and BJ both have Radar related woes, causing them to go on a drinking binge. A drunken BJ becomes violent with Hawkeye.
Aired 39 years ago - Oct 15, 1979
As company clerk Radar O'Reilly reluctantly prepares to depart the 4077th, the unit is still without electricity due to a broken generator, and the operating room continues to fill up with war wounded as night falls. The responsibility for procuring
a new generator falls on Klinger, who lacks Radar's masterful knack of cutting through red tape in search of much-needed supplies.
Aah! [ Grunts ] Margaret, you're gonna
have to hold that back for me.
Okay. I think she's ready.
- [ Sparking ]
- I don't like the sound of that sizzle. Turn it off!
Hey, listen. If I'm not back
to my unit by oh-noon-hundred,
I'm gonna be AWOL without leave.
Well, it's not fair.
Nobody should be allowed...
- Where are you headed?
- Me? Korea. The war.
Oh, I'm Walter O'Radar--
I mean, I'm Walter O'Reilly.
although Major Houlihan
would kill 'em if they did.
Give him a quarter gram
- How long am I gonna hurt like this?
- Two or three days...
We're not talkin' chipped beef here.
Generators are mighty scarce.
Got a distended abdomen here.
I need some gastric suction.
- I've never even heard of that.
- It's a thingamabob dreamed up in the '30s...
Yeah. He knows me. I've been
sending him love letters for a year.
And while you're at it,
make arrangements with the 8063rd...
- You know what I miss the most?
- No kidding?
That's where all my family is--
my mom and my Uncle Ed.
- I'll just wait for my regular flight.
- Listen, bub.
Damn. I mean, shoot.
as long as I stopped
for water every 1 0 minutes.
He wants some more meat loaf.
She'll have another slab of liver.
- That's better.
-Just a roll...
Have 'em belly up
to the buffet.
Perhaps for your ox?
The sad thing is, one man's poison
is another man's meat.
I was gettin' carsick
and airsick at the same time.
How lucky can I get?
Okay, you clowns, come on.
What the heck. I was the first one on.
Figures I oughta be the first one off.
Well, there she is:
Dr. Wangensteen's magic suction machine.
and the aspirated material collects
down here in the chipped beef can.
I haven't been this moved
- Oh, no, no, no, no! Thanks.
I know a lot of doctors here.
- Oh, I'm much better.
- Radar.! Ha-ha.! Welcome back, son.
- Thank you, sir.
You got back in the nick of time. While
you were away, both our generators went AWOL.
- I'm gonna get somethin' to eat and take a shower.
- No time for the shower, son.
A generator's only a three-call finagle.
I mean, a couple boxes of toilet paper here...
Oh, my gosh. Oh!
Look what you've done to this place!
[ Sighs ]
Geez, you go away for a little R & R...
You're telling me!
I got a neat collection of SpikeJones records
with a lot of burps and-- [ Gulps ] on 'em.
- I'm tellin' ya. I couldn't get one.
Oh, boy. One break.
I can't catch one lousy break.
Aired 39 years ago - Oct 08, 1979
On leave in Tokyo, Radar is desperately needed back at the crisis-stricken 4077th, but his return is delayed by outside events. While casualties continue to pour in from the front, the 4077th's generator conks out, and the backup has been stolen,
depriving the medical unit of all electrical power. But Klinger, filling in for the vacationing Radar, lacks the expertise and experience to wheel and deal for a new machine.
Aired 39 years ago - Oct 01, 1979
The arrival of a wounded Korean woman sparks a conflict at the 4077th: Hawkeye wants to heal her, but a steely ROK officer, Lt. Park, is more anxious to "question" her about alleged guerilla activities.
Aired 39 years ago - Sep 24, 1979
A Congressional aide, Williamson, visits the 4077th on a supposedly routine fact-finding tour, but it's discovered that his motives are far deeper - too uncover Margaret as a communist sympathizer. His case is full of innuendo, so the gang set out to help Margaret.
Aired 39 years ago - Sep 17, 1979
A clumsy foot soldier, 'Look out below' Conway, finds the quickest way to the crew's heart, boosting morale at the 4077th by cooking gourmet delights. Only Colonel Potter, burdened with a personal crisis, is immune from the high spirits enveloping the hospital.