Aired 38 years ago - Apr 12, 1982
Klinger buys a goat, with the intention of getting rich by selling it's milk. Then the goat eats the 4077th's $22,340 payroll, leaving paymaster Hawkeye holding the bag. Meanwhile, Charles also thinks he can make a killing when he sees an ancient vase.
Must leave today.
Three dollars in hand beats your $1 0.
Nothing personal, Hunnicutt.
I just think it's, uh, cute.
[ Sighs ] All right.
[ Clears Throat ]
Klinger, put that in the safe.
Of course, I lived right next door.
Klinger, I'll need another unit ofblood.
is about to pay
for itself 50-fold.
Your milk machine
is having a snack.
Any fool knows
a goat eats eveything.
- all those people who are
still expecting to be paid?
-Just tell 'em the truth.
buy me beans.
Come on. Folks, why don't we all
talk about it over drinks?
Yes, of course.
Of course. Naturally.
I must have
that vase. W-
Now let's see. Now where-
[ Muttering ]
- Beat it!
- Sure, Major.
- Thankyou. Eveybody, step right-
- Wait a minute.
Whew! This must be the tent
that made Milwaukee famous.
to tide folks over until
the new payroll is issued.
That's no problem.
It's all covered in the militay regs.
but this man and I
have been through a lot.
so I can meet my deadline
and keep the general off my back.
Ieaving a grand total of
$22,340 unaccounted for.
- I did not steal the money.
- I don't care ifyoustole it oryou lost it.
have time to kid.
ifthis money, say,
had been lost in a fire?
All right. All right,
How about anybody
who heard munching?
since me and Zola took little Billy Bubba
to the U-Pet-Em in Bossier City.
I thought I might "hep" you
consolidateyour debts into one vey friendly loan.
mightjustwave that $1 00
underthe nose ofthat investigator...
Eveybody gets $50
to tide them over.
beg your pardon, sir...
And you'll have it again tomorrow
about this same time.
this Bayou bloodsucker his $50 today,
he's gonna bleed me dy.
I was touched by the orphans' predicament,
and I'd like to "hep."
Sory, Major, the only thing I got left
is an old case of grape Nehi.
And maybe I'll flap my arms
and fly to the moon.
I'll be informing "I" Corps
that in myjudgment...
Well, that's Van Zandt's
idea of justice.
You sit in that chair right overthere
and you makeyourself comfortable.
thatyou would be a fool,
as it were, not to accept.
Aired 38 years ago - Apr 05, 1982
Potter's attempts to assemble the crew for a family portrait are thwarted by a feud between bunkmates Pierce, Hunnicutt, and Winchester. Things are not helped by the efforts of Margaret, Klinger and Mulcahy to bring the Swampmen back together.
Aired 38 years ago - Mar 22, 1982
After losing to the Marines once again, Colonel Potter wishes there was one sport the 4077th were any good at. When Klinger mentions he can bowl, the Colonel decides to have a bowling competition. Unfortunately, he and Klinger are the only 2 good
bowlers in the camp, so BJ and Father Mulcahy are "recruited" to the team. Colonel Potter becomes obsessed with winning the game, and excludes Margaret from the team because she helped the team lose at softball. Then the 4077th team hear the Marines have got a "ringer" in their team after pulling some strings..... Meanwhile, Hawkeye finds out his father is in hospital and tries to speak to him over the phone, watched by Charles, who envies Hawkeye's close relationship with his father.
Hot damn! Well, what doyou think
ofyour old C.O. now?
So far, it's still onlyyou,
me and Captain Hunnicutt.
- Okay, yeah, I'll wait. I'll wait.
What- I don't understand. What do you mean,
you can't call Portland from guam?
- Yes! Yes, I can hearyou. Yes. Can you hear me?
- You came in here for tyouts.
- I came in for cocoa.
Hunnicutt, you bowl like
a grade-school kid.
Uh, Pierce, I'm gonna take a little break,
go get some coffee. Do you want some?
No, no, no, no, no.
I can't clear the line. I'm-
I'm developing a rather ugly blister on my thumb.
- [Ball, Pins Clattering]
- You're lofting again!
Areyou suggesting that
I allow some leatherneck...
- [Ball, Pins Clattering]
- Colonel, they may have a pro, but you don't!
That's great! That's great!
Hello, Dad? Over.
and play baseball with nurses?
I'm afraid you've lost me.
And a few days later,
he made me scrambled eggs and bacon...
[ Chattering ]
- Get overthere. Sit down.
- Margaret, you did your bowling captain proud.
that I mean it, that I-
that I really do...
The worst is a distinct possibility.
My father and I have been
1 2,000 miles apart in the same room.
The soup would be served...
closeness, the fun
Next time, keep those big gunboats
ofyours behind the foul line.
Remember, no fair knockin'
'em overwith your breath.
- Pitts, you and your bowlers lend us a hand.
- Right. Come on, guys.
Sure, the rat leaves the sinking ship.
- [ Charles ] good foryou.
- Thoughtyou'd want to know, Major.
Beej, you're in luck.
Some ofthose magic pepper-uppers just came in.
Whose side areyou guys on,
giving him a pep pill?
- How we doing?
- A better grade oflousy than before, sir.
Uh- Uh, my inside-
I'm turning blue inside.
- Of course.
- Say it's something
a little less embarrassing, likeVD.
-Yeah, that'd work.
Houlihan? I thought shewas still someplace
between third and home. [ Laughing ]
Yeah, hi. It's me.
Listen, Dad-Ye- Dad, I-
I can hear how tired you are.
Aired 38 years ago - Mar 15, 1982
Hawkeye is the golden boy of the world press when he treats a celebrity prizefighter, 'Gentleman' Joe Cavanaugh, who has a stroke at the 4077th. Father Mulcahy finds the news hard to take, as Cavanaugh was a hero of his.
potholes you could hide in,
and all the dust I could swallow.
Sergeant, why don't you give
the boys a hand and find...
- No, I'm afraid I don't.
- Well, I understand. It was a while ago.
We'll have the cameras going. Then we're
gonna have a little banquet for you...
or I'm gonna get me a new boy.
- Hey, how's your pal Truman?
- Ah, he's fine.
- They keep getting banged up,
we'll keep doing our job.
- Thank you.
That same gentleman
you now see flashing teeth...
[Chuckles] we had the pleasure
of visiting your establishment.
how about a couple of shots of you
posing with the champ?
Say, Colonel, how about a shot of you
toasting the champ?
I wouldn't get
your hopes up, Father.
Aw, I got to call the Press Train at Munsan,
get some guys down here.
- Boy, what a dump!
Geez, Louise! You could at least
let a fella get some clothes on.
- Then can I go back to bed?
- Not yet.
But look on the bright side. We'll answer all
their questions at once and get it over with.
- [All Talking At Once]
- Dr. Pierce, what happened to the champ?
- What's the prognosis?
- Well, he's dying. It's just a matter of time.
We need this room. That phone is the only
way these guys can get their stories out.
You need to restock,
just use Wilberforce's memo.
- How does he look? Is he awake?
- Does he have any idea what happened to him?
and their conditions are not gonna be
printed up on the front page.
Well, to tell you the truth,
I'm surprised he's made it this far.
Actually, l-I'm doing a sidebar story
on what exactly a stroke is.
- How you must suffer.
- Oh, what... Come on, will you? Do you...
Pierce, how blind can even you be?
- They sent me for a doctor.
Cavanaugh's slipping fast.
- Dr. Pierce, you're on.
I had two heroes.
rambling fields and trees...
I was small
and wore thick glasses...
Well, when I was 12, my father
dragged me to see my first fight.
All of a sudden, you stopped punching.
- I'll be along in a minute.
- I know.
- It's wriggling like a bucket of worms.
- Try hand pumping.
- Bring it in here.
- [Pierce] Wait a minute. Wa-Wait. Hold it.
- [Questioning Continues]
- Were you with him when he died?
This table's metal,
so we'll have to stand away from it.
Aired 38 years ago - Mar 01, 1982
Winchester, Pierce, and Hunnicutt find themselves in the sticky position of having to decide which enlisted men to recommend for promotion. For Winchester it could be a matter of life and death.
Pierce, check these men for required time
in service, time in grade, et cetera.
- And last, but not least, fresh peas.
And if I call ahead, I can reserve
a lovely supply shed with a view.
Well, it might be, sir.
- I think I better be going.
- Oh, no, don't go.
And I deeply resent
any attempt on, uh...
I could arrange to have the cake
brought to your tent tonight...
Sure hope I stop soon.
I'll bet you have. You figure there's
anything in this world...
- Does it make a difference?
- If you like fishing, it doesn't.
Yes, I do remember your name.
a career man.
- No, I don't know.
- Well, if I ain't promoted,
I'm making you responsible.
- Yeah, what?
- On your medical chart under "sex"...
What do ya got there?
a little grouse feather
ought to do the trick.
Oh. I'm sorry, Jimmy.
boys didn't stink
and fish did.
I got a girl back home.
You see, they're always going off
with these Korean women.
I don't like
being laughed at.
I'll try to remember that.
Patriotism is not the issue.
Well, I have just one
more bit of business.
The only board he should be
in front of is a parole board.
Not for long anyway.
Oh, yeah? Well, at least
I'm man enough...
You know, I'm really glad
you said that.
- I've got to get the wine.
- Ah. Good.
- Go away.
- I think I know that one.
- Him again?
- Admittedly, he's not perfect.
- I implore you, help me.
- Charles, there's no way.
committed in the name of manhood
than for any other reason.
No, I'm not
O wise and compassionate
He was tearing
the place apart.
Well, that's too bad
for the both of us.
This is the best day
of my life.
Aired 38 years ago - Feb 22, 1982
Hawkeye goes to help at an aid station, and under heavy shelling he draws up a will, leaving various items to his friends at the 4077th.
Well, it's just a hobby.
My real profession is raising orchids.
- Wait a minute, wait a minute. What?
- A doctor. Battalion Aid.
But drive carefully.
His chart says no potholes.
hereby decree this to be
my last will and testament.
[ Thinking ] B.J.
[ Sighs ]
To Charles Emerson Winchester III...
- Pretty funny, huh, Winchester?
what Michelangelo would have done
with the ceiling in this place.
[Hawkeye Continues ] You've been the
victim ofa ceaseless stream ofdumbejokes.
They got our phones!
general Kratzer's here to visit some ofhis
wounded. He brought along his own cook.
or I swear-
I swear, I'll flatten you!
Far be it from me to disturb
such an elegant repast.
[ Sighs ] Tetracycline! Wh-
Oh, here it is. Yeah.
The sulfa's in the living room
between the end tables.
Here, here, we, we got plenty.
- I'm sory!
- Oh, no, I love it, I love it.
- [ Wheezing ]
- Oh, stop.
how's the nitrous holding out?
- More, a little more. More. I can't get in.
- [ grunting ]
[ Sighs Deeply ]
Well, for a man who's had it...
Now that I think ofit...
- What's the biggest oneyou ever tied into?
I couldn't reel him in,
'cause I-I you know, I was afraid...
he thrashed his head, and he drove
the hook right into mythumb.
Might be worth a ty. These rivers are probably
full of North Korean fish heading south.
It makes me miss him a little less,
knowing that you're around.
- How doyou know that?
- They're finally shooting their heavy silence at us.
- [ Chuckles ]
There's some stuff
in there about Maine.
This is more than nice.
This is home!
- genuine Lebanese salami.
- Where'd you getyour hands
on something like that?
I hope you'll wear it, even if
someday it does go out of style.
Aired 38 years ago - Feb 15, 1982
Potter sends for Sidney Freedman when he loses confidence in his surgical abilities, and Winchester loses patience with his bunkmates' sloppiness.
You get some rest now.
What about Fisher?
Yeah, and I'll be there too.
- Oh, that's just terrible.
- Better things...
Would you people
knock off the chatter?
Tell me this, Captain. How the hell
am I supposed to keep up with it?
Yeah, and not the usual
- ##[Man Singing On Record]
- ## [Stops]
- I'm flattered.
right in front
of my own people.
He operated on a boy with
the same wounds as mine had.
No, that was it.
Besides, maybe tomorrow
I can scare up a poker game.
- Wake up, stinky!
Hey, that's my knife!
Freud once observed people exhibiting
this type of behavior.
Just give me a couple of slices of that
burnt toast and an urn for the ashes.
I hate to waste your time when
there's plenty of bona fide members...
Colonel, the extra blood has arrived,
and the refrigerators are all full up.
- Uh, yes.
Well, his fever's down,
his vital signs are good.
Hey, what are you doing? I just struck clean.
You're tracking dirt all over it.
[People Chattering Softly]
- Sidney, would you come with me?
- Why not the wrecking crew?
- They were just blowing off steam.
- Listen to this.
- ## [Man Singing]
- Do you think maybe you're
not really mad at Hawkeye?
- ## [Continues]
That's when something snapped.
are comin' in...
Sherm, we're all worried about
getting old, but we've got to face it.
Back in Hannibal,
I had an uncle... Uncle Roy.
and removed an enterolith
from her belly.
I've lived that wide-eyed
little boy's dream ever since.
But even if he wanted to...
Aired 38 years ago - Feb 08, 1982
Charles has a serious toothache, but hates the thought of having anything done about it. The doctors suspect prejudice when an inordinate number of black casualties are brought in from a single unit, led by Major Weems.
- There's a spare bunk in our tent.
A simple "hello" would do.
Oh, that's tempting.
Yeah, we'll leave
a wake-up call for peacetime.
Are you going to give him
codeine on top of morphine?
You're going home.
Before he knows it, he'll be stateside...
Corporal Dorsey's from a very poor family.
What have you got there, Major?
I saw you take a drink, Major.
which have remained unimproved
since the Spanish Inquisition.
Since you're so certain
this too shall pass...
Well enough to beat
the pants off me four times.
He just showed me a picture
of his family in Brooklyn.
I had a friend in med school from Brooklyn.
You got a C.O. Who wants
to send a kid home...
- He wants to keep Sturdivant.
- Sturdivant? He's the white kid, isn't he?
They knocked the bridge out again.
I'm Major Charles Emerson Winchester,
the neighborhood MASH.
Oh, mixture of ginseng, powdered
deer horn and other secret herbs.
- Have you seen a dentist?
- No. I ha... No.
- Now, let me see.
Mixture of ginseng, powdered
deer horn and other secret herbs.
That's it. We're all out of MASHes.
Sir, I swear to you,
there's absolutely nothing wrong.
the least I can do
is pass it on to you.
I'd love to.
- I'm getting him a dentist right now.
- Wait a minute, Colonel.
- Sure is a nice night.
Boy, it just seems no matter how
many times you go through this...
but I also feel charity begins at home,
with your own kind.
a little dark in post-op,
if you get my drift.
This man's army
just hasn't been the same...
how come you're sending
those boys home...
they can't tell me
what to do with them.
What do you say
we step inside for a nightcap?
Major Rockingham is the Deputy Assistant
Chief of Staff for Personnel...
The Civil War ended
almost 100 years ago.
I think you stated your case
with a great deal of eloquence...
You've got a point.
A court-martial would take a lot of time.
Aired 38 years ago - Feb 01, 1982
An AWOL soldier, Nick Gillis, seeks sanctuary in the mess tent, after Father Mulcahy's service. At the same time, a special Sunday brunch is due to be served, following the donation of some eggs to the camp by a grateful farmer.
Extra Large. Grade "A."
- [B.J.] You know, I was thinkin'....
We only got our M.D.'s so we could
operate on each other's livers.
You wanna join us?
Oh, let's see, 15th of next month,
it'll be forever.
I, uh, just got a letter
from him the day before yesterday...
Aren't you listening to me?
I just told ya, I been here over a year!
Uh, does your unit
know where you are?
I've been AWOL since yesterday.
- it's him.
I want these eggs boiled exactly
three minutes and 15 seconds.
- [Overlapping Chatter]
- That does it!
Mildred clipped this recipe
right out of Argosy.
They're in the kitchen lined up
as far as the mouth can water.
You sleep. I'm gonna go to the kitchen
and see if I can lick the shells.
You almost slept
through the services.
the rewards for which
we are all destined...
with the second and fourth reels of this
week's movie, Mr. Belvedere Goes To College...
I've prepared a list of churches
and followed it
right into this mess tent.
- # Praise... #
- Now, Gillis.
- Hey, hey, hey!
- He's got a pretty good reason, Colonel.
- Maybe so, Pierce...
- The hell I can't.
- Didn't ya hear the chaplain? This is a church.
Just a minute, Sergeant.
If the boy chooses to take refuge here,
then I must grant it to him.
- Father, what's going on?
- Everything will be straightened out.
- Then who is?
- I'm gonna call the Judge
Advocate General's office...
You boys knew Gillis was AWOL last night.
I don't like getting bad news late.
I'm sorry, Colonel, and I'm sure
future Private Pierce feels the same.
exactly the way it is.
Allow the delicate
fragrance of frying kippers...
What you're stepping in
is my kitchen. Step out!
- Sometimes when people are lonely, they...
Come with me.
You boys stay right there.
I'm afraid I can't accept
the Judge Advocate General's decision.
Private Gillis will remain
in sanctuary here.
- Take it easy on me. I'm a veteran.
- Folks, Father Mulcahy...
Things are tough
all over, Doc.
Hey! Hurry up, will ya?
These people either want eggs or answers.
- Anybody got any gripes?
- [All Shouting]
Fresh eggs call for fresh air.
We're gonna have a picnic!
- That's Italian.
- That's even better.
Stop pushin' me, Father.
I'm not goin' back.
Aired 38 years ago - Jan 18, 1982
Hawkeye is outraged when a sensationalistic war correspondent, Clayton Kibbee, reports irresponsible G.I. stunts as tales of military valor. Kibbee: "As for the last two pints of blood, there's no big finale, no heroes. They helped an old soldier,
who'd had visions of glory but finally got it through his thick head how tragic and inhumane war can be. Maybe he'll know better next time."
- These biscuits are as hard as golfballs.
- And guaranteed not to slice.
Folks, I'd likeyou to meet Clayton Kibbee,
or Clay, as I- [ Chuckles ] like to call him.
Ha! Well, I lost all mine writing 'em,
and call me Clay.
Whileyou're patchin' up soldiers,
I'm gonna write about it.
with someone who actually appreciates
the finer things oflife.
All you motorcycle nuts are nuts.
- Where'd you get that bike?
- I swapped a Korean 1 0 parkas for it.
great. Eveybody should have a hobby.
By the way, yours should be resting.
Well, the blood you just got was donated
by my readers back home.
- Don't wory. I'll do somethin' with it.
What's your full name?
- Thomas Anthony McKegney.
Your lips tell me "No, no."
but there's "Please, please" in my eyes.
Oh, I know, like grover Cleveland,
Well, you can close the book
on this motorcycle. Stupid points.
- Had the same problem too. The points were shot.
- No kiddin'?
- I wanna file my stoy on that first pint ofblood.
Myword. That's him.
- um, no, no- a privilege.
- Ha! No, the pleasure's all mine, Father.
Well, call me Francis, Clay.
Oh, yes, thankyou, Doctor.
The four of us are having a wonderful time.
Thanks, Max. Thanks.
You folks, excuse me.
"Escape was impossible, but 'impossible'
is a word that has lost its meaning...
- that threw him almost a hundred feet."
- Wait a second. Wait a minute.
"He'll be back laughing
with his buddies in a week...
What areyou complainin' about?
You came offsoundin' pretty good.
It's the wartheywant to readabout:
the romance, the heroics, the glory.
I mean, he's- he's writing this up
like it's an adventure stoy-
I'm sure Clay included only those elements
necessay to the stoy.
- [ gushes ]
- How wonderful.
Well, it's nothing serious.
It's Private Belson there.
Come on, son. You can tell me.
Don't be modest.
Wonderful. Fresh fish filleted.
- I'd have gone to Wisconsin. [ Clicks Tongue ]
- [Vehicle Engine Running]
- Areyou sure?
- I told you I rode one ofthose
all through World War II.
[ Cheering, Whistling Continues ]
- Now that you've fixed it,
let's hope it doesn't kill you.
- You have no spirit of adventure.
You've ledsuch a fascinating life.
I thought all wars were the same.
- I guess my "No Fighting" sign worked.
I came all the way over here
to see a war...
and ifl could have, I would have walked out
in the middle.
Maybe somebody borrowed it.
Well, look on the bright side.
You'll probably get shot too.
- ##[Continues ]
- I think I hear a battle cy.
Aired 38 years ago - Jan 11, 1982
Margaret's birthday plans are spoiled when she and Klinger get stranded on a desolate roadside. Meanwhile, Charles gives a lecture for Margaret, and the surgeons assist in the delivery of a calf.
But animal not so lucky.
You know how to
make a cow say "Ah"?
- and see ifyou can track down that veterinarian.
- Wait a minute. That's it?
- Fine. I'll do it first thing Monday morning.
- Uh, sory, Major.
- Excuse me, Margaret. This is bigger than all of us.
but ifl don't,
uh, come now...
Well, you're only a hundred years off,
and both their names do begin with an "M."
but whatyou're asking me to do
sounds dangerously close to nurse's duty.
On the other hand,
the 1 932 performance with its limpid runs-
Excuse me. Can a person
go back for more?
According to the vet,
anytime in the next day or two.
Excuse me, gentlemen.
Opportunity knocks, and I am the doorman.
Great time to have a calf.
Careful! You're dripping on the sign-up sheet.
Oops, your face! You've got five seconds
to get myjeep and get me out ofhere!
- Okay.Just let me sell a few more tickets.
Uh, back. Behind. No. Uh- Uh-
Ah. We got nothing to do but sit and wait.
We're on cattle call.
your inane child's game...
- You get her up on the table. I'll hold her hand.
I packed less than this when I moved here.
Hey, hey. Wh-What's all the commotion?
Look, Major. No one wants to get to
Kimpo any quicker than I do...
Why areyou stopping?
As you will have observed,
I am not Major Houlihan.
only in cases of
Yesterday this was
at "I" Corps.
and see ifyou can feel
the calf's head.
Now I know how big
that last rockwe hit was.
a condition which
makes it easy to get lost...
this may come as a shock...
- All that fun and celebrating. Who needs it?
To be with somebody I chose-
somebody I wanted to be with-
There's a newspaper in the jeep.
I'll makeyou a birthday hat.
Ifher blood pressure weren't so damn low,
we could do a cesarean section.
Well, that concludes our little lecture
on the administration of Levophed.
- ofthe administration of Levophed.
- On whom?
[Animals Croaking, Chirping]
I know it's not much,
but it's better than nothing.
Somewhere a multitude ofWinchesters
are doing somersaults in their graves.
- There it comes.
- [ B.J. ] Hey. The foot's comin' out.
- That's a good vital sign.
- Come on.
- Don't mention it.
- I certainlywon't.
I got a halfa bran muffin,
- That was a pleasure I wanted
to reserve all to myself.
- Look. I know howyou feel.
Aired 38 years ago - Jan 04, 1982
Whilst suffering a fever, Klinger communicates with the spirit of a dead soldier, Private Weston, who stays on to witness his own last rites.
Private Weston is dead.
I mean it!
Who wants to die?
I don't want to die.
Secondly, it is not a hook.
It is a nail.
- Why don't you hang your stuff
down here somewhere? Okay?
- You're right. It is a nail.
- My shirt! You imbecile!
I've got a dramatic scene coming up in O.R.,
and I want to get in the mood.
He never lies.
And we respect him for that.
Oh, I like that.
Long thin tines.
You were... You were sitting
on that log and laughing like a hyena.
Listen to me, Hicks.
You got four people workin' on you.
It's genuine calfskin.
- No matter where Patricia Dugan sat...
- One ring.
- One ring.
It's got the faces of three Lebanese
presidents on it.
Push the fluids,
and keep him off the beach.
You know how many bad guys
there are in the world?
That was Job's question
The answer is in the vastness and grandeur
of the universe, not in bitterness.
Don't waste your strength.
Well, look. What do you expect?
Klinger, I'm gonna
talk to you like a father.
- if you'd just let 'em know that it's all right.
Excuse me. Moment. My point is
that your diagnosis may be correct...
- Cold packs is what I'm trying to talk about.
and all they can do is stand around
and argue with each other...
I'm not putting up with this.
Yours very sincerely...
"so that's why I'm writing you this letter,
although I wish I didn't have to.
"But I want you to know
it was very sudden, and he felt no pain.
"And then when we'd be on patrol,
and he'd see I was getting scared...
I think it's one hell of a good letter,
and it's very decent of you to do this.
- Well, those ice packs were just the trick.
- Thank you, Colonel.
And to the army... that lets us eat it,
drink it, breathe it and salute it.
- Cute little guys.
- Spr... [Chuckles]
Something's happening to me...
Aired 38 years ago - Dec 28, 1981
To boost post-yuletide morale on Dec 26, Potter has the officers and enlisted men change places for the day.
Come on. The weather
is better over here anyway.
it's so hard to reconcile them
to their proper place again.
One salient point I think you've overlooked...
This is a medical unit.
at the 4-0-double-7?
As my last official act
as temporarily deposed monarch...
I think it's a ridiculous idea.
- Enough of this baloney!
So who's trading with who?
I was just about to undo
the first snap on her parka.
We were all drunk. You're not gonna
hold us to what we said last night.
I'm sorry. I know it's early, but I wanted
to get a good jump on the day.
Now, we all know what goof-offs
Doctors Pierce and Hunnicutt can be...
As our resident gourmet
and lover of good food...
if only to teach you
that soup is not a solid object.
To you, chateaubriand on a shingle.
Now, if I may interrupt your
Time to change the linens.
First they divide the country.
Now the furniture.
- Watch it. You're sweating in the oatmeal.
- Who would know the difference?
- Where'd you get that?
- Out of my desk.
Uh, thank you, sir.
- Maybe you'd like to dry your head.
- No... 'kay.
Since today's a holiday and we're all so festive,
why don't we have lunch catered?
- Not bad.
Do you have any idea what
the street value of peanut brittle is?
Two Archie comics
and a bag of Walnettos.
I'm afraid you missed
a smudge there, Hawkeye.
Get another C.B.C. And start him on pen
and streptomycin in the usual doses.
I got a kid with a temperature
and a sinking hemoglobin.
Why don't we address ourselves
to that, gentlemen?
it seems to me this is just
the kind of situation when a good C. O...
Last, I'd alert the kitchen to
go easy on the gasoline for cooking...
It's not right.!
- No, no, no! I just made that bed!
- [Groans] Too late.
Kellye, run another hemoglobin on him
in a little while and see how he's doin'.
How am I doin'?
Now, what are you
busting your buttons about?
Well, my morale's only two-thirds boosted.
- What seems to be the problem, Winchester?
- Is this a joke?
Either he goes or I go.
I really could use your help.
Well, my morale
is at an all-time low.
Don't worry, Colonel. I wouldn't interfere
with genius and his gourmet meal.
- Me as me, or me as him?
- You as you.
Maybe when you operated on his wound,
you lit the fuse on his thyroid.
Aired 38 years ago - Dec 14, 1981
B.J. and Hawkeye resolve to clear Klinger's name after he chooses Winchester to defend him at his military court-martial.
If one of the state's two star witnesses
suddenly defends me to the hilt...
That's what makes him
the perfect choice.
- We're gonna get me.
I didn't say that. Your guilt or innocence
doesn't concern me in the least.
A good lawyer is not swayed
by disaffection for one's guts.
Let me defend you, Klinger,
and I assure you, you won't regret it.
is a rare individual.
Father, would you tell the court
in your own sacred words...
- Please proceed, Father.
- The old ones were all tattered.
I don't know how he convinced
the Seoul Plaza Hotel...
- Hey, Hawk, what kept you?
- Oh, I'm sorry.
Oh, listen, listen.
I was in Seoul.
I am so glad he keeps his key in here now.
I hated going through his socks.
So how are you doin'?
- Yes. Pierce.
Hunnicutt, you do indeed possess hindsight.
- Ah! Good.
Why would he want to run away?
The man has all the confidence in the world in me.
Come on, Max. How big a case
can they have against you...
Good luck, Klinger. You are... You are
the cement that binds our unit together.
To a veritable pulp, Max.
I shall personally see to it.
- I could whip him with one
deposition tied behind my back.
- [Gavel Raps]
And though my learned colleague
with his months of experience...
I mean, of course,
this innocent man. Sorry.
- so he can find it later.
- What if he doesn't come back, sir...
Damn. I wish I could be there in person
to vouch for his character.
that Corporal Klinger failed
to file a stolen goods report...
He has continually expressed a reluctance
to testify against him.
- I see. Helping out.
Well, long enough for Klinger
to get to your tent...
The question is irrelevant and immaterial...
Your witness, Major.
I have no further questions.
Klinger's only hope is to get a recess
long enough to go to law school.
Two blood baths in one day.
Aspirin, three times a day.
[Potter] Unfortunately, too many of'em
come back for seconds.
do not agree...
If you send this man to the stockade,
it will be an injustice...
See that, Margaret,
I've got a bleeder.
Aired 38 years ago - Dec 07, 1981
The military police think they've solved a rash of thefts at the 4077th when they apprehend Klinger with Hawkeye's stolen camera.
Ifyou can't buy that,
I'll be glad to cut it in half.
Brilliantly. Pierce is demonstrating his
mastey ofblack and what photography.
Except I always buy American.
I got me a Brownie Hawkeye.
Therewas this big full moon,
and suddenly it hit me.
Nurse, I'm a little concerned about
all the dirt we're flushing out ofthis wound.
Hey, Hawk, this looks more like
Father Mulcahythan your photograph does.
Come on, come on, eveybody.
Tall ones in the back.
- How could I leave something you
wouldn't let me get my hands on?
- Out of spite.
And I'm gonna do something about this before
we all end up standing around in our skivvies!
I made that promise before
someone raided the icebox.
You'd think after a week they could
at least come up with a dead end.
- Hello, Corporal? Now we're getting somewhere.
No, this is not Crazy Al
I did file a stolen goods report.
That's why I'm calling you.
- He told us he'd get to the bottom ofthis.
- Those guys are tough.
Uh, Klinger, uh, they're having a little problem
with the stolen goods report ofyours.
Stolen good Reports.
Here we go. Filed under "g" for "goniffed."
Look, I'm sory.
I'll send it right away.
Where would a guy sell, uh,
stolen merchandise around here?
Just like Macy's, except eveything
there stolen from gimbels.
[ Chattering ]
Ten, 1 0. Okay.
[ Speaking Korean ]
Why do I have to pay
to buy my own watch back?
Oh, you mean Polaroid. You lucky.
This brand-new. Come in last week.
- [Turns Engine Off]
- Hi, fellas. What's goin' on?
Of course I don't mind. But I think it's
important foryou to know it was stolen.
You acquainted with these men?
Excuse me. I'm looking for
Captains Pierce and Hunnicutt.
We like to work fast, sir. See, we got the report
yesterday, soyou get the camera back today.
- We caught him dead to rights.
- We're two ofhis best buddies.
- Not a trace.
- It's been a long day foryou, hasn't it, son?
You also told them that I held back
the stolen goods report for a week.
Now, now, eveybody calm down
and let grayer heads prevail.
Then, believe me, sir, I didn't steal anything.
There. Nowyou don't have to investigate me.
This investigatorwill find out
he's on a wild-goose chase.
In mere seconds, I will showyou
the proper use ofthis toy.
He's right, you know. The only reason the army
let him in was because prison turned him down.
Klinger, this is the best damnejob
ofcataloging I've everseen.
Colonel Potter, meet Captain Arvin Triplett,
special investigator from C.ID.
- Oh, he's a real papertiger.
- Now for the really tough one.
And then Klinger said to me...
Aired 38 years ago - Nov 30, 1981
Winchester infuriates the camp when he hoards his stateside newspapers, and Hawkeye reunites two Korean brothers who have been fighting on opposite sides of the war.
- How come you got a newspaper?
- Because the Boston Globe
does not travel second class.
- I want the crossword puzzle.
first page to last...
and I read one, and only one, per day.
simply because you suddenly
find yourselves with nothing to read.
[Man On P.A.] Attention all personnel.
Triage in the compound.
won't strain our
What, pray tell,
is a "Fearless Fosdick"?
I'll bet she even had her feet shined
for the wedding.
If I don't get something
to read soon, I'll go crazy.
- Couldn't resist catching up on the news.
Why don't you come inside, Father?
I'll make you some tea.
Well, lookee here.! It's been so long,
I wouldn't swear to it...
When, and only when,
I have read each day's paper...
Okay, folks. I guess
the tar-and-featherin' party is over.
Unfortunately, it's a common word
heard every day around the war.
You can't miss it...
It's big, green, smells like New Jersey.
which has obviously
until the missing
issue is returned!
Winchester, just a hunch...
Will Rogers never met you, did he?
Look, as long as your prisoner is my patient...
they are not strong.
- He's your brother?
- My real name is also Kim.
and would be able
to carry on the family name.
that I am a spy
sent by the North.
In the North, we are taught
to hate all Americans.
- I mean, can you imagine...
As ashamed as I am to admit it,
Charles, we're innocent.
- which, in this case,
stands for "Public Apology."
- For what possible purpose?
Never! I did not fire
the first shot in this news war...
if I have to steal
you're being martyred
for a good cause.
you'd have saved us all
a lot of aggravation!
I'm demanding an official apology from
the person who started it in the first place.!
was, in fact,
not delivered that day...
- Now may I please have my clothing back?
Aired 38 years ago - Nov 23, 1981
On the eve of a big poker game, B.J.'s pride is bruised when he finds out his wife is working as a waitress. And Potter takes driving lessons from Klinger.
- The colonel will see you now.
is charged with reckless driving
you sent the violators off
to a day of remedial driving school.
and get Grandma Mavis
- Where indigestion meets inebriation.
- Look, it's not gonna be forever.
- I'm talking about now.
Next war, we'll know better.
We'll sign each other's.
And you will know the rules of the road
so good that, when you're dead...
- At ease.
Late? You? Why...
Why, you're not late, sir.
Well, sir, the rest of these boys
don't have the power to bust me.
For those of you who are not familiar
with this term, say it with me.
Take it easy, Charles. You're not
the only one whose chips are down.
not only does Uncle Sam
have to pay for that bird...
Good morning, sir. I hope you didn't get up
on the wrong side of your chair.
A man that's been around the block
as much as you...
How jesuitically safe.
I'll see that and raise you two more bits.
- "Best wishes to the lucky graduate."
While you play poker,
I'm gonna switch to gin.
Two bucks, huh?
Well, this is real interesting.
I see your 20...
- Good heavens. Joel McCrea never did that.
- B. J.
Except the dealer.
Rackman... 89. Potter, sir...
Twenty-six out of 30.
who took a wrong turn
on the written test?
I'll be shuffling off
to the poker game.
Even "Peanut Brain" Hoffman
How would you like the next hand
to be in your face?
- I think you're full of bluff.
- Cost you 10 bucks to find out.
- Hawk, you in?
- No, I don't... I don't think so.
I'm down 150 zops.
I don't know what's greener,
them or their uniforms.
and has its lights flashing?"
"What is the minimum
- Can we stop now? We've been
going at this all night.
- No. Ask me another question.
Captain, what are you
getting so excited about?
Maybe you know him... about 6'4", mustache,
big chip on his shoulder.
Bad news from home is no excuse
to start acting like public enemy number one.
Look, Beej, believe me.
We-We're on your side.
Certainly not you.
While you're here, all of you is here.
is worse than anybody else's?
Well, go on. It's your turn.
Ninety-eight! Hot diggety!
I take you for a ride.
You look at the scenery.
Aired 38 years ago - Nov 16, 1981
Hawkeye writes a heartfelt letter to President Harry Truman to protest at the continued fighting in Korea. Meanwhile, Colonel Ditka has promised a much-needed water-heater if the 4077th beautifies the camp.
- Green tie is optional.
- All right. All right. I'll be right over.
all the medical, engineering and supply goodies
we need to make this war more comfy.
Okay, Colonel, the rainy season's
up and coming.
Not to mention sterilization.
Yes. You see, you don't notice it
because you're here every day.
The top brass wants us to leave this country
better than we found it.
That's the way it is.
Well, I've gotta get to the 8228th.
With all due respect to Pierce's sarcasm
and your tantrums, sir...
What really chafes my chaps...
is that you're right.
Major Houlihan's starting up
a beautification detail.
Picture Swiss cheese with cities.
- How's yours?
And tomorrow they're gonna try
and retake that hill.
Okay, put that dirt over here.
What am I gonna do?
Well, speak of the bush beater.
U.S. Magazines and papers.
I see all the movies.
Okay, fork over the moola.
- Next time I'll pay.
- Thanks, toots.
Some green-behind-the-ears novice
with a bug up his cassock.
But I shouldn't have to
solve the medical problems.
It is patently absurd for officers
to waste valuable time...
On the other hand, if one chooses
to socialize with sordid working women...
Young lady, does your mother know
what you do for a living?
so I have taken the precaution
of posting a chaperone...
Excuse me, fella.
This is a no parking zone.
It's got everything...
trees, bushes, green ground?
Men, the job is over.
There's still something missing.
- What kind of an operation?
- I wanna have eyes like Americans?
Then you know that having an eye operation
isn't going to change who you are.
That homemade hooch will kill ya.
He should have stuck with an American brand.
Besides, I'm getting ready
to hit the road.
Oh, you don't have to
be modest with me.
and very shy with girls.
You have Turk soldier
here, no? I wish to see.
- Would you do the honors?
- It would be an honor.
Watch it, fella.!
Gimme a break, will ya, fella?
Dying on duty is a court-martial offense.
Aired 38 years ago - Nov 09, 1981
The latest scuttlebutt affects everyone's behavior when a visiting is rumored to be recruiting for a new M*A*S*H unit. The gang fears that the 4077th will be split up.
- General Edwin Torgeson?
- You know Torgy Porgy?
This is terrible.
- I hope not. Too many of these
can run down a neighborhood.
- Captain, this ain't funny.
I am an indispensable
to take this seriously.
Oh, ho, ho. Wrong on two counts.
If they made you chief surgeon at the new
unit, that'd make me chief surgeon here.
They're gonna take somebody from here.
And it's gonna be one of us.
Gentlemen, am I to infer
from your conversation...
I've had offers like this before.
Everybody thinks he's here
on a fact-finding tour.
Boxing. How apropos.
A fighting man who likes... fighting.
Charles, I can't talk to you now. I'm very busy.
I have to prepare my duty roster.
the first thing you need
is a commanding officer.
Not a very rosy prospect.
But-But it seems to me it's out of our hands.
- Are you asking me to be
an accessory to a fabrication?
- So tell me, how is Torgy?
- Ornery as ever.
Uh, if it's all right with you, Colonel,
I'd rather bunk with your surgeons.
Not exactly the metaphor I would have chosen,
but, uh, I do have something on my mind.
They wanna hang my portrait along their...
and heavenly light
streaming down from above.
Ah, right. Not like
some of those young officers...
A thousand pardons. In my religion,
this is the month of the sacred bull.
- May your life be free of snakes.
Sh-boom be with you.
No, we haven't heard
anything about that down in Seoul.
- I got it. Here, boy. Here, boy.
- Get him. Get him.
- Major Charles Emerson Winchester,
My real forte is diseases
of the aged-but-not-yet-retired.
- No kidding?
- Talks about it all the time.
eating... beans after a hard day of sheep ranching.
[Clicks Tongue, Whistles]
I think my surgical skills would take
a giant leap if I were to find a new locale.
He loves to spend as many hours
in the saddle as he can.
She's a might peculiar though.
Enough of this idle chitchat. As I was saying...
- [B.J.] Don't you just love it rare?
- Oh, yeah.
Padre, I'm comin' down with
a case of Rembrandt's elbow.
- Nah. You might as well.
- Don't you hate it when they come
in the middle of happy hour?
All right, all right, all right. We'll pack him
off for now. We'll finish him in the morning.
- The patient is dead?
- No. We just don't know where he is.
Uh-uh! Until he hits the operating table,
we're not responsible.
to the Hippocratic oath?
This... Very difficult diagnosis. The patient's
wounds are not what they first appear to be.
Long as he has a week to rest up,
he's great one day in a row.
It's me who'll be going.
They need a chief surgeon.
- Oh, go suck a combat boot.
Aired 38 years ago - Nov 02, 1981
Father Mulcahy counsels a GI who is plagued by guilt because he has swapped tags with a dead colleague. Meanwhile, B.J. and Charles consider ways of keeping a soldier-salesman quiet.
If a guy's got B-positive blood, it'd be nice
if his dog tags didn't say A-positive.
I mean, I'm, uh,
goin' home in two weeks.
- I believe I asked about your shoulder.
- It's fine.
You'd be surprised how many G.I. S
in your position haven't.
But, as I always say,
"A rose in a minefield is still a rose.
Nobody ever died
from getting the wrong mail.
but what kind of an idiot would invest
hard-earned capital with a footslogger?
Margaret, you should know better than
anyone... there is no security in fidelity.
I hate to scoff and run, but I gotta get to post-op.
Is there anything I should know?
Quiet, Mrs. De Sade. I'm thinking.
- I'm-I'm sorry?
- What form of Judaism do you observe?
Oh, I'm sorry.
I thought you said you were Orthodox.
We sent all the uniforms to be cleaned,
but yours didn't come back.
As I always say,
"People don't plan to fail. They fail to plan."
I'm sorry to wake you, Father, but he said
he had to see you, and it wouldn't wait.
Or may I call you Josh?
Night before last...
My buddies got killed.
I swore to myself
that if I ever got out of that alive...
He was goin' home in just two weeks.
I must say, this is the most unusual
confession I've ever heard.
I'm gettin' out of here alive.
Of course not.
But your actions are sinful.
Yeah, well, first things first.
Rice, can't you leave
these people alone?
You know, for the grandson.
Lot of wisdom in what you said...
Ah, Father Mulcahy.
A little coffee after dinner?
If he keeps it up, I'm going to stage
a new production of Death of a Salesman.
Next thing I knew,
I was sashayin' down Memory Lane.
Yeah. Mildred noticed that too.
- Fine-looking boy.
I came in with a problem...
Now, don't go far.
And do yourself a favor... read this.
Well, it's rather difficult to explain.
The chances that you'll lose
your power of speech are one in 200.
That would relax the latrickium
and take the stress off the shoulder blade...
Oh, hi, Father.
- I don't want to do this.
- Oh, I understand.
"Your Uncle Marvin got so excited
you were coming home...
"when you come down the gangplank.
to come down the gangplank,
and he won't.
Tall ones, short ones, blondes, brunettes.
"Since I cannot remember what you look like,
I'm not sure which one is yours.
Aired 38 years ago - Oct 26, 1981
A touring USO show brings an unexpected touch of vaudeville to the 4077th when the star showgirl requires an emergency operation. And wouldn't you know, the comedian is Klinger's hero!