Aired 44 years ago - Mar 15, 1977
Prompted by pressure from Frank, Hot Lips sets a date for marriage with Lieutenant Colonel Donald Penobscott. When Donald arrives in camp for the wedding, a bridal shower and bachelor party are given. When he has passed out drunk, Hawkeye and B.J.
place Donald in a body cast and convince him that he has broken his leg. The ceremony is performed and Donald and Hot Lips leave for a week's honeymoon in Tokyo.
- Oh, golly.
Not if he's a corporal.
[Klinger] Get it! Over here, Father!
Get it, B.J.!
- Lt. Peters. Father Mulcahy.
- Lieutenant. Father.
your regulation hug.
- Why don't we take a walk?
And he's saying, "Margaret, darling,
I couldn't love you more.
Lt. Col. Penobscott has a little bomb
to drop on all of you.
Will you join us in wedlock?
Uh, then you need your overseas nuptials
in a combat zone...
- Morning, Major Burns.
I'm trying to tell you
how grateful I am to you.
- Mmm! Has anybody licked... Oh. Go on.
- I licked the spoon.
- Sounds wonderful.
- I threw up all over the flower girl.
Yeah. Don't forget
Sorry I'm late.
I had to iron this dress.
- [Women Gasping]
- It's gorgeous.
- Hear! Hear!
- Gentlemen, may I say a word or two?
Are you aware the one with the big nose
is wearing earrings?
- What'd he do?
- "Menobscott," you haven't
answered my question.
And at the Point...
water polo team, uh, hammer throw...
Burns, why don't you shut up,
f-fall down and g-go to sleep.
Very exciting. A nun jumped out
of an angel food cake.
- Good night, Colonel!
- [Mulcahy] Good night.
No. That's too square.
They like originality.
- No. It's too crazy.
You know, when the heat's on,
you can be decent.
## [Wedding Music,
But what kind of bonds are they
that hold two people together...
- I'm sorry, God.
- Step on it, Father.
- I do.
- I now pronounce you husband and wife.
Gimme a second.
I'll bring the whole guy in.
I couldn't eat liver
for a year.
- All right, Father. I've... I've seen enough.
- Let's go.
Major, the bouquet!
Throw the bouquet!
- Have a good time.
- Thank you.
Aired 44 years ago - Mar 08, 1977
In the midst of a deluge of patients and their individual medical histories, the 4077th is out of blood. Everyone in camp is donating at 48-hour intervals when a truckload of Turkish soldiers arrives to offer their blood and save the day.
- Give me a hand with this one.
- I thought you'd be proudly
serving in the stockade by now.
- Nurse! You're talking to a major.
- Oh, sorry.
- Quiet, Frank. We're working.
- Quiet, all of you!
Start it off with,
"Son, you're alive."
That's enough! That's enough!
- Can we get a surgeon
to remove those pits?
- I'll do it. Nurse, strainer!
I'll pound your mulch
No, I'll take another shot at
that idiot colonel. It'll be the
capper of a perfect day. Hypo.
Speaking of monkeys not giving blood,
you haven't donated a drop, Frank.
one of those Communist leaflets, the ones
that say we're all fighting for Wall Street.
Probably the first time
he'd seen an American close up.
- The medic said I got him.
- Good for you.
They had to shave it
to stitch up your face.
Oh, leave me alone, man.
- You're gonna be all right.
- I thought I had it made.
- Well, he shouldn't be.
He's... He's my patient.
- That's a good enough reason.
Put a cork on it, Burns. Able, has this
patient been unconscious since arrival?
- This is very embarrassing.
And if they keep bugging you,
drop your pants and show them your scar.
This whole thing has been
one gigantic pain in the butt.
- We have an emergency.
- Ask someone else!
He's handling my patient first.
Tell him I need 100 pints of blood,
and I'm gonna come down there
and take it all from him.
Ah. Dale Carnegie graduates.
I had the guts to go up there
and drag 'em back to the aid station.
I don't mean human company.
Especially the feet and ankles. If he finds
a bite, give him some antivenin, pronto.
I've been out here
almost since the beginning.
And he came up with nothing.
- What's that, Major?
- I didn't tell you about my disease, did I?
He got well,
the ungrateful simp.
There's no law that says I have to sit
here and listen to you bleeding hearts.
Uh-uh. Last time you went out for a pass, I
didn't see you again till the fourth quarter.
- Fifty up at the line.
- Right neighborly of ya.
You can take so many pictures of yourself,
your wife will think you're back home.
Hundred percent Lebanese.
It'll probably keep growing.
Vaya, man. It's even thicker
than my real one.
[Chuckles] Have you any idea
how many times I've heard that line?
Well, I thought maybe when you get through
with your shift, we can do something.
- That sounds exciting.
- Listen. You live alone?
I happen to take my engagement
Okay, fine. Pull the screen around my
bed and give me a complete physical.
And don't knock anybody down
running to volunteer.
- They give balloons.
- Aha. Major Burns at the front of the line.
Aired 44 years ago - Mar 01, 1977
Korean children and American soldiers are often badly wounded when they hunt for souvenirs which the enemy have booby-trapped. Potter asks for it to stop, and Hawkeye and B.J. put a local junk dealer out of business.
Don't you have anything happy?
Whatever happened to rhinestones?
No, no. You see, it's... it's a miss, kid.
It's no good.
An aluminum watchband.
The material came off a MiG.
- Oh, come on, guys. A guy's gotta live.
- Shall we put it to a vote?
I mean, what I do is good
for the economy. I create jobs!
They blew up every time
they went swimming.
'cause they know some slaphappy G.I.
Will try to pick up that cockarocka...
If you want a souvenir,
take yourself home in one piece.
I'm pole-sitting, sir.
It's Section Eight time.
- I don't think so.
In that case,
I have just one piece of advice for you.
- Someday you'll be saying complete sentences.
- Oh, hardy-har-har.
When we caught up with him last week,
he gave us a rundown of his customers.
I hope you catch that ugly creep
that's been using my face.
What's the matter, Margaret?
You trying to drown your sorrows?
- Only got 200 left. Pure brass.
- And so are you.
the matter with you?
You created a demand.
Why don't you just start supplying it?
He'd take this bum
by the neck, and he'd deck him!
a human foul shot.
So make it a Section Four. Send me as far
as San Francisco. From there I'll hitch.
And when he feels better,
he's gonna go back into the minefields?
You weird freak!
As I recall,
it was the last time I had clean shorts.
Guess what I found
in your footlocker, Frank.
Well, Major Houlihan, you gotta stop getting
bombed and beating up our officers.
The egg is so versatile.
- Who's Drake?
- C.O. Of the 8063rd.
- I was sick as a dog for a week.
You're more than halfway there.
I'll give you your choice.
You can stay up there...
Hey, white flag, okay?
I got something for the family.
Well, when he quits smoking,
he can always sell it.
You think because you slipped the family
a couple bucks, that gets you off the hook?
I'm worried about this man, Doctor.
He looks anemic.
Aired 44 years ago - Feb 22, 1977
As a cure for the increased tension at the 4077th, Potter obtains a copy of his favorite film, "My Darling Clementine", and makes a social event out of it. As the film continues to break, tensions rise, until Mulcahy plays the piano, Radar does his impersonations, and everyone acts out scenes from the film.
I have another surprise.
- Well, then, move it, then! Move it!
- Shut up, Frank!
[Clears Throat] This is good news.
I know you've been working your butts off...
It's my kind of entertainment,
my all-time favorite movie.
- See, sir, if you don't take your finger off...
- I know. I just forgot.
- What do you mean, no?
- N-O, no.
Would a dying man kid?
- No wonder it's irregular.
- What do you mean?
Perfect. Nothing wrong
with this shirt.
- Please R.S.V.P. In this ear.
- I've always been fresh with you.
- Not tonight.
- I can?
Even though you're engaged,
we can still be civil to each other.
Penobscott. What a stupid name.
- You're bluffing.
It'd better be good. This crowd
is ready to beat up Shirley Temple.
- Well, sir, I'm the garbage officer.
- We all know that.
I know you've been working hard all week,
and you've got a case of the cranks.
It's called... now, hold onto your hats...
My Darling Clementine.
- # Oh, my darlin'#
- [Audience Cheering]
- [Man] Look at all that space!
- [Potter] Yeah.
Yeah, two, three miles
straight up the trail.
- [All Groaning]
- We'll have the film fixed in a jiffy.
#When an old friend
I happened to see #
Father Mulcahy, you should've
taken up the harmonica.
Well, that's too bad.
I blew the bulb. It's not my fault.
Who do I look like, Thomas Edison?
# If you don't listen to him
you'll all wind up in heck #
# Gee, Mom
I wanna go home #
# But we'll take chopper pilots
they'll get you off the ground #
# Oh, I don't want no more
of army life #
# Some nurses in the army
they haven't tied the knot #
- I've got it!
- [All] Yea!
I know somebody who
does great movie star imitations.
pretty mad at you, son,
but I'm not gonna hit ya.
how many times have I told ya...
- the Father Mulcahy soundalike contest!
- [All Cheering, Whistling]
The post-op is collapsing,
and the O.R.'s on fire.
It is the most remarkable
shade of yellow.
- [Able] Thank you, driver. We're staying.
- What'll I tell Gen. Armistead?
#When every night
your lover holds you tight #
#When once more she whispers
Je t'adore #
Aired 44 years ago - Feb 15, 1977
In the midst of Hawkeye being considered, much to his distaste, for the position of a general's personal physician, Radar becomes a surrogate father to a Korean woman and her baby, until the baby's GI father returns.
Are you suggesting we should?
Tell me, who goes to hell?
The Korean War was invented so your
parents wouldn't come looking for you.
All right. Let's close up.
- Move it or get it amputated.
- I beg your pardon?
Well, I told you Pierce wasn't
the man you were looking for.
In the operating room,
when Pierce was trying to save
that man's life, he said...
He's one doctor who'll never be
nonchalant where death is concerned.
He gave the 4077 th a black eye.
First stop Seoul, and then
I'm Bitter Creek bound.
Look, Radar, you're a real nice,
gentle guy, and l...
- Are you from Korea?
- Oh, yes. I am Korean.
- Uh, would you like to take a walk?
Ah, that's nice.
Look at it. The foot is
an incredible thing.
I'd never throw you into the pot
unless I had at least two pair.
Actually, for the doctor,
it's easy duty.
You're not gonna like him, General.
What do I care who they're for,
as long as I don't have to peel 'em?
Do kids like 'em scrambled?
You're still a good father.
I envy you.
Could be, pal.
There's a lot of it goin' around.
Mildred, just another 14 months
and 11 days till retirement.
Bidwell tells me he's a piece
of real live ammo.
I'd like to meet
my new personal physician.
The army's a lot like the A.M. A...
both frown on house calls.
He's very healthy.
I hear you're a real pistol, Doc.
I never studied seriously.
If I hadn't cheated on the final exam...
Do you realize what an opportunity
I'm offering you, Captain?
- These you have to go out
and get for yourself.
- You mean, they don't deliver?
why don't you let me do what
I was trained to do... be a doctor.
when I realized I couldn't leave you
and the baby.
They're really nice.
I enjoyed them.
Yours. You're looking for
a doctor to keep you alive...
Aired 44 years ago - Feb 08, 1977
Father Mulcahy comes down with infectious hepatitis, and Hawkeye has to give the whole camp antibiotics, whilst dealing with a psychosomatic back pain. Meanwhile, B.J. has to perform a very difficult operation.
They oughta give him the disease
and split the dough with the mice.
I feel a lot better.
- We got here too late
for the hard-boiled eggs.
- Off his feed too.
- You gonna finish your coffee, Father?
- The "Swiss Family Hepatitis"
is swimming around in there.
Give 'em a shot of
It was just laying out there in the open.
I wasn't going through your private papers.
- Yeah? Ever since Margaret got engaged?
Let me get some blood. I'll give you
a shot in the behind, and I'll get out of here.
Yeah. This guy's nodes got so big,
eventually they took over Minneapolis.
Don't taunt me, Frank.
I'm holding a sharp object.
If you care anything about human life,
you'll feel my lumps before you go.
- I have to examine you.
You're gonna get a shot too.
- So are you, kiddo.
- How 'bout if I show you mine first?
- I can look at my own tongue.
How's your fiance Lieutenant Colonel
Donald Penobscott of West Point?
She's welcoming me, but in a very
left-handed way. Listen to this.
We still send her Christmas cards
every year... at the state hospital."
- Come on, Margaret. You're taking
all the fun out of it.
- Yes, that's right. I am.
- If you say one word...
- Oh, I wouldn't, I wouldn't. Not a word.
and then stand there ogling me
as though I were a sideshow attraction.
- Maybe not those words, but that attitude.
[Man On P.A.] Attention all personnel.
- Where do you start?
- I'm here.
- What do you think?
- You're the chief surgeon. You tell me.
Fine. Take your time.
What are you gonna do?
- What the hell are you doing?
- I wanna see if you got hepatitis...
- The Swamp, 10:00.
- Good luck, Beej.
- How you feeling, Father?
- Uh, fine actually.
and make a fortune
for the orphanage.
- You wanna kill yourself?
- Well, at least let's rig up something...
- I'm hearing confessions, and that's it.
- All right. Get a little rest.
Here. They look like potato eyes, right?
You are what you mash.
- I really gotta work on it.
- Yeah, right.
- Excuse me.
- You want me to stab myself?
Just hold still.
I gotta calm down.
I don't care what he says about me.
- Now get over there.
You know what this reminds me of?
Assembling those toys I got as a kid.
fit to print.
Like, uh, like he's anemic
or, uh, he isn't red-blooded enough or...
and come back to camp the next morning
without any sleep and throw up all day.
- But you're different.
they came up with an ileocolic segment
that was gangrenous.
One more stitch, I'll be ready
to start closing. How's he doing?
I did it! I saved him.
and the world's most
- There's no contamination
of the water supply.
Aired 44 years ago - Feb 01, 1977
Nurse Carrie Donovan receives a "Dear Jane" letter from her husband, and practically falls apart. B.J. consoles her, and they spend the night together. Feelings of guilt come over B.J. until he discusses them with Donovan and the air is cleared.
- Poor girl's gone bonkers.
- Who, Donovan?
- Who gets an "A" in fidelity?
- R.C.A. Victor.
- Are you sure there's nothing
going on between you two kids?
- I just don't understand
why Donald hasn't written.
- Maybe there's another woman.
- He's made 126 jumps.
- Once from a plane.
And sometimes they're opened
by creepy company clerks...
- I'm getting excited.
- Eat your pudding.
It's a letter from my old man...
a Dear Jane.
- No. I'll be there.
- You don't have to. I can handle it.
I keep nudging her till she gets
sore enough to swing at me.
I'll meet you in the kitchen.
You wanna talk in your tent,
we'll talk in your tent.
- I did? I didn't mean to.
- Why did you do that?
Right. Sparky? Yeah, Sparky, listen.
Get me Tokyo Army Hospital, quick.
- A patient.
- A patient. And it's an emergency.
- Worried to death.
- Worried to death.
I'm not tying up a chopper
and losing a nurse...
Why don't you get some rest, Romeo?
"It'd be so much easier.
- It seems impossible.
- I know.
Gee, I dreamt I was dancing with Major
Houlihan, and Betty Grable woke me up.
Ah, I hate to see them grow up.
I'm just teasing. I mean,
do I know what I'm saying?
He's not terribly sick.
All I know is that he's in the hospital.
A Japanese umbrella.
Oh, why not?
I'm always ready if you need me.
- But it's not enough.
I can't stand it anymore.
- Frank, stop it!
- How do you feel?
And I'm miserable.
B.J., you stumbled last night.
- This will pass.
- Like a kidney stone.
There's probably a career for me
in saving marriages.
- Uh, my husband wants a divorce.
- Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.
Um, I'd like a transfer, Colonel.
- Don't you agree?
- Yes, Colonel.
- You're crazy.
- You might say that, Colonel.
- You are the Toledo Strangler?
- I confess I am.
Beat it, Klinger.
but maybe just once, okay?
- Give me another unit of plasma.
- What do you care?
B.J., it's important to me.
I know how you feel.
I'm hopelessly, passionately
in love with my wife.
We didn't plan that.
Aired 44 years ago - Jan 25, 1977
Billy Tyler, a young black sergeant, is brought into camp with a bullet wound in the leg. He is a football player, and when he discovers that his leg has been amputated, he wants to die. After talks with Radar, Billy agrees that he must live on.
I got a sergeant here who looks pretty bad.
He can't take an ambulance trip.
- There ain't nothin' gone?
- Relax. You're still in one piece.
- Look at that leg. Yuck!
- Don't mind him. He's a leg man.
Did you swallow
a radio announcer?
Frank, this is P.F.C. Kornhaus,
the cook's assistant.
Before you put me under...
- Will the leg?
- We'll do everything we can.
- I wasn't in the fight.
- I noticed. Afraid to get your dress wrinkled?
I wish I had
your sense of humor, Doctor.
But, Colonel, Kornhaus went to bat
for the honor of the 4077 th.
Colonel, will you tell Pierce not to
call me clumsy in front of Major Houlihan?
- In war, Frank, decorations
belong on a soldier's chest.
- That's true.
An eye gouger. An animal.
- Come on. Move it.
- Watch it.
- Or are you afraid?
- Oh, come on, guys. Stop it!
Well, we'll never get to the bottom of this.
Shake hands and forget it.
Tomorrow, 1600 hours,
near the latrine.
1600 hours, he'll be exercising his horse.
That's a stupid question.
You feel lousy.
But it's there.
What's another leg
or arm to you?
- Sergeant, you need your rest.
- Why don't you try to get some sleep?
- Then it's either a snake or Frank Burns.
- Same thing.
Hawk, look what you're doing.
You're punishing yourself with guilt.
- I thought your liver was still a virgin.
- Don't be silly. I'm a man.
Radar, there's more to life
than playing football.
That rotten fink! He snitched.
He spilled the beans, didn't he?
See, there are some things we can agree on.
No wonder I missed them.
- Wasn't mine.
- Then it had to be somebody with
less brains than the two of you.
- You couldn't break an egg with a hammer.
- I'll crack you.
No, he wants out out.
You got it, Doc. They don't make
football uniforms with one leg.
Well, I can't do that anymore.
You're still running, Billy.
Uh, I got something
I want to show you.
Yeah, I know. I listened to that game
on Armed Forces Radio.
I know. Iowa could hardly
move the ball at all.
You just have to keep trying
till you find it.
"Smile when you say that"...
Sergeant "Killer" Zale.
from Toledo, Ohio...
All right. Back to your corners
and come out at the sound of the bell.
Aw, why don't they hit each other?
They're just dancing around.
Aired 44 years ago - Jan 18, 1977
Lieutenant Colonel Harold Beckett lies wounded in post-op waiting to get back to the front for five more days of combat duty to get his promotion. Meanwhile, Cho Lin, the Ping Pong champ, is engaged to Soony. He leaves to get her a ring, when the
South Korean army conscripts him. He arrives at the 4077th as a wounded soldier, and after being patched up he is married at the camp.
Giving away free ammunition
hasn't hurt business either.
I'm Lieutenant Colonel
Harold Becket, damn it.
- Takes one to know one.
- What are you doing here?
These boys know
what they're doin'.
I used a pair of 1949 sweat socks
with matching garters.
We were going to redecorate,
but why put money into a place
when you're just renting?
- Maybe we can help her find something.
- Thank you.
- Terrific. Where's it gonna be?
How much do you need for that?
- I have 60 American dollars.
Oh, no. Uncle Lew
is one honest john.
- I always knew you didn't have any.
- Lending money to an Oriental.
- Ate your porridge.
- Sat on your chair.
- Especially when you're with one of them.
- She's one of us.
Let me interrogate the job applicant.
Sit down, please.
Sir, the enemy
- Uh-huh. Took care of
General Horton's children?
- That's right, sir.
Don't get up.
Well, if they order an extra pint of blood
during the happy hour, it's on the house.
Oh, that's right.
Mine looked like Man o' War.
Somebody didn't get your order. I had
a hamburger last night that whinnied.
With that in my record,
the boys in Washington can move me up.
- Why don't we go over to my place
and pretend we're at your place?
- Some other time.
Your little friend ran off with
your 40 smackers and left you
with egg foo yung on your face.
- Can you get the other end?
- Hey, that's a beauty, Cho.
This ring is priceless.
Why don't you check yourself
into a closet?
The third time to deny
he'd ever been in line.
Doctors, in 16 months,
three weeks and four days...
- I just thought of it.
All right. All right. They can
court-martial me if they want...
When the enemy hit us with the
big stuff, the colonel panicked. He...
And a lot of kids
- Another ringer.
- I don't understand how you do it, Klinger.
Hang on to that horseshoe. You might
want to wrap it around his neck.
the bride's size. Don't move!
- Then pow! He punches him right
in the nose and flattens him.
- Your Uncle Ed punched Boris?
Margaret, yesterday we had
a smooth-running war here.
Oh! I know what you think
I'm saying, but I'm not saying that.
Army Intelligence, huh?
I hear you screwed up. You blew it.
Okay, combat's not
All I care about
is those kids.
## [Traditional Korean]
Aired 44 years ago - Jan 11, 1977
Befuddled by a crossword puzzle, Hawkeye persuades his old friend Tippy Brooks, a whiz at puzzles, brought to camp. Tippy arrives with his commanding officer Admiral Prescot, thinking it's a medical emergency. Having scrubbed up and helped out with the wounded they provided the needed solution to the puzzle.
Wanna catch a rat
and make it a pet?
- Aaah! Oh, ho-ho! Bingo!
- What? What? What?
It's kid stuff.
- Only guy I ever knew who got
flushed out of high school.
- I don't think that's it.
- Give that lady 14 inches
of perforated intestine.
I know that! I won a white Bible at my church...
for organ playing. So lay off!
So you can take all the credit, I suppose, huh?
Nothing. Just a game to test your manual
dexterity. It's excellent for surgeons.
You deserve to be.
Look at that skimpy outfit she's wearing.
Begins with a "V."
"Means a Yiddish bedbug."
Starts with a "V."
- How's that, Captain?
- Forget it.
- Thank God for ketchup.
- He just did.
- Tell 'em you'll be right back.
- Come on.
Oh, he lost his cookie,
but he saved his raisins.
- Will this blow out the lightbulb in my navel?
Uh, Dr. Hawkeye Pierce, MASH 4077,
needs his help real bad. Right.
- No, sir. That was last Friday.
- Time flies.
Dip it in a little 30-weight motor oil,
pop it in...
The second course.
You don't believe I'm gonna
eat this jeep, do you, sir?
- Gee, you think he's gonna be all right?
- Oh, he'll be fine.
Oh, you better tell the boys playing horseshoes
to hold up when Klinger walks by.
- Klinger, what is it?
- Something I ate.
Sir, this message
just come in for you.
Boy, you guys
are in a lot of trouble.
- Where can I find Dr. Pierce, Corporal?
There was a time when
proctologists used candles.
Do you know
the word? Bedbug?
Right now, a far, far better thing
than me being busted to J.G.
That story you told me about gettin' here
is a real rouser.
- It was Easter.
- Now you've put your buddy's butt in a sling?
An insatiable need
- What is it, soldier?
Nuts, bolts, knobs?
This guy's full of machinery.
Easy. Get her
into pre-op. Move it.
- You a corpsman?
- The best in the business, dad.
- You want help?
- I got it.
- Oh, really?
- It's just that some of us are
more childish than others.
I've debrided the burn and applied
the dressing. Anything more I can do?
- [Woman On Radio] This is Seoul City Sue.
- Time for the commercial.
- Turn the other cheek, Hawkeye.
- Both cheeks are already sore.
Aired 44 years ago - Jan 04, 1977
Radar gets accepted into the "Famous Las Vegas Writers School", and begins to write his impressions of the camp. It happens to be Frank's birthday, so Hawkeye and B.J. stage a fight with each other to make Frank happy. Radar: "Dear Mum, I gave up
the writing course on account I found out I can write better as myself than as Hemingway, O'Neill, or any of those other bums. Simplistically yours, Walter."
Frank, did you see
his foot leave the bunk?
On to Wimbledon!
I enrolled in this
writers' school by mail.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
was this little gray squirrel
with a very intelligent face.
"You were wrong!" I screamed at him.
"There's 28 bones in the human hand!"
- Please, sir? Would you, please?
- Well... [Chuckles]
and it rolled down the stairs,
across the lawn...
That's why we're out, Major.
They ate it all.
Would you like
an extra hunk of liver?
Why, Frank, you didn't
tell us it was your birthday.
Maybe we should take up a collection
and get him a gift.
These mail things are great.
My friend Vito met his wife that way.
Father, do you have
a most unforgettable character?
You know, she can slam dunk
while wearing a heavy crucifix.
And look at you. You got a Purple Heart,
and it's not even your birthday.
I didn't do anything wrong. And you
keep your hands off his Purple Heart!
That would give Frank instant joy,
to see us at each other's throats.
- Boys, easy.
- I'm not working the shift alone, Pierce!
- How would you put it?
- Well, maybe you're right.
- Sore loser?
- He thinks you're too competitive.
little knowing the fate that destiny
had planned up for him.
The vainglorious corporal
ran like a bird...
If headquarters sees this,
they'll rip off my epaulets.
But I'm just doing
what the book says.
- What are you doing out here?
- Waiting for a ride home.
It really bugs you when
I call you on foot faults, doesn't it?
Just say something
and walk away.
- No problem.
- It's no use!
Yes, of course. And Lieutenant Colonel
And he brushed my leg.
Naturally, I was alarmed and I screamed.
I'm going home
in a butt can.
- Come on over to my office.
- Over to the office.
I'll take anything you got...
honorable, general, medical, whatever.
Would you settle for
some time back in Seoul?
Tell her I'd like to be kept
in a blue jar. That's my best color.
- Having a good time, Frank?
- Well, I'm the birthday boy.
- Like what?
- Like Iowa or your animals or your Uncle Ed.
I'd write about being
too suspicious and resentful.
- What's the matter?
- It's you two guys fighting.
It makes me sick.
A lot of guys in the army say they're
friends, but these guys really are.
- We wanted to make him happy.
- We were fighting to entertain you, Frank.
Aired 44 years ago - Dec 21, 1976
After Hawkeye bemoans the young age of the wounded, he appears to develop problems. Sleepwalking and bad dreams, according to Sidney Freedman, are taking Hawkeye back to a simple time, but the horrors of war continue to intrude. After Sidney's assurances that he is as sane as can be, Hawkeye's life once again seems to settle down.
- Oh, that scent. What is it?
- Forbidden Furlough.
I know God exists
because you exist.
I like your new BB gun.
My dad won't let me get one.
What do you expect, wandering around
the compound half the night?
Then you asked me about some guy
I just got a cold shiver
down my back.
You're not worried
about anything special, are you?
Me neither, but then, uh,
geography was never my strong subject.
More trees than you could
climb in a lifetime.
What are they like?
If those are my only choices,
I guess I'll take Stinky.
It's got a little more pizzazz.
- [Radar] That's spooky!
- Help me get him back to bed.
- What a shot.
- [Radar] Easy now. Relax. Ooh. Ooh.
- Who's Toby?
- Toby. Toby Wilder. My...
He's my best friend.
He was li...
completely out of control.
My palms are sweaty. And I'm
not sure, but I think I wet the bed.
Are you forgetting I'm a doctor
as well as a card-carrying skeptic?
Frankly, I think I'm pregnant.
I also think I'm gonna call Toby Wilder.
And you kept ca... No, really.
No. Really. You kept calling my name.
Yes. I borrowed the money. I admit that.
But I paid you back years ago.
People always talk about
long-distance phone calls like
they had to walk all the way.
- I think I'll tuck it in too.
- What's your hurry?
- Hey, how goes it, Frank?
- Tell me about your hometown.
- It's Fort Wayne. What's it to ya?
bigger than that.
- He took away your night-light?
- It's no big deal.
I just had a dream.
Dickie Barber... an explosion.
- Who to?
- Dr. Sidney Freedman.
- I think I'm cracking up.
I'm afraid to lie down in my sack.
I'm afraid to close my eyes.
No, sir. I mean the war
against the war.
He knew it was awful, but...
but he never let it get him.
- and decked him.
- I know about that, sir.
and I'm taking my measly
pair of nines with me.
[Klinger] Okay. Seven card high-low,
deuces wild, high spade in the hole.
[Sidney] I'm just here to play a
little poker, have a couple of drinks...
And then I call the States,
and they're home watching Milton Berle.
You amateurs just can't resist tossing
around that psychoanalytical jargon.
All the way back to a time
when playing ball and shooting
marbles and going on picnics...
Aired 44 years ago - Dec 14, 1976
After Potter orders Radar to move a Korean spirit post believed to ward off evil spirits, things mysteriously begin to go wrong. When an old Korean man is brought into camp for medical attention, he refuses surgery unless the spirits in the camp are
exorcised. A priestess is brought in, who exhibits her dance and her bells and chants. All is well, and Radar returns the spirit post to its original position.
Thanks, Radar. Frank,
you're a stark raving birdbrain.
That's what I thought till
I met Donald Penobscott.
- I'm getting dark blood.
What's his pressure?
- 110 over 74.
I haven't smelled anything
like that since World War I.
Doc, uh, how's it look?
Shall we? Knife.
It starts the day
he goes home to his wife.
- The man should be canonized.
- Marsh here was canonized,
twice in the same leg.
- That's impossible.
- How come he sent her a bill?
- including shamanism.
- [Frank] Shamanism?
From now on,
nothing will go wrong.
- I never got that medal.
- You didn't? He forget?
Well, it's dry now.
And when are they fixing
the P.A. System?
There's another ambulance leaving
for the 123rd at 1400 hours, sir.
- You got a rash? Use talcum.
- Spirits at work again?
This wards off evil spirits.
Ever since then, we've been
growin' 'em like this.
- What are you doing, Radar?
- I'm nailing up a horseshoe, sir.
On the other hand,
it is an attractive ornament.
- I cut to miss him, but hit him
anyway. Wound up in a ditch.
- Put him down.
I'm his granddaughter, Kyong Ja.
[Mulcahy] They also hope the driver
will understand and stop in time.
It's the spirits he fears,
- You believe in spirits too?
- I don't, but he does.
- My God, it worked.
You look lousy in stripes, Frank.
Go ahead, Radar.
Beat it, Radar.
- Which I don't believe in.
- These local spooks don't spook you, do they?
I'd rather not operate on a
hysterical patient. All I wanna
do is put the old man at ease.
Frank was once the innocent
victim of possession.
Wondrous is man and
mysterious the ways of God.
Not indestructible. Young.
- Captain Hunnicutt?
- Oh, geez.
After the war, you look me up. For old
times' sake, I'll take out your appendix.
- I think my grandfather does too.
- When will his room be ready?
Colonel, do you know
what's going on in pre-op?
[Potter] Well, Father,
what's your critical opinion?
Did absolutely no good at all.
- [Hawkeye] I thought the gauge was stuck.
- It's not stuck now.
Aired 44 years ago - Dec 07, 1976
While Colonel Potter goes to Tokyo on R&R, his horse develops colic. Klinger becomes chronically depressed, and Hot Lips gets appendicitis. The horse is flushed out with a hose, Hawkeye and B.J. perform an appendectomy on Hot Lips, and all are well
when Potter returns, except Klinger. Potter offers Klinger a discharge for severe depression, and Klinger gets very excited, which loses him the discharge.
- I'll ask.
- I'll need three yards.
- Can't you do something?
- Like sit him down,
have a talk with him?
- Now if you were in command,
what would you do?
- I'd take him to Tokyo.
No, I won't. I'm not an animal.
I'm a doctor. I can curb my lust.
- Show me some consideration.
Let me cut you open.
Yeah. Get rid of this gas.
We have winners of the Abbott
and Costello look-alike contest.
But if she flares up, we've got
a whole corral of surgeons here.
Corporal Klinger will accept
the Rockwell print by himself.
I gave up tryin' to get a discharge,
sir. I'm so depressed.
- No, thanks anyway.
- Found your book, sir.
- He's gotta pick the "Nun of the Week."
- Dedicated man.
- Once. Didn't have the nerve
to put down my ukulele.
No, it's Wednesday.
I always make tent calls.
Potter told me about
your problem. So, uh, Major,
if you'll just lie down there...
- And fun.
- Uh, no!
The colonel's mare is lyin' down.
Her eyes and her nose are running.
But this is serious. Colonel Potter will
have me executed and court-martialed.
- Hope she knows I'm a doctor.
- Show her your diploma.
I don't hear a thing.
Maybe the speaker's broken.
- You, sir.
- [B.J.] Who belted Major Burns...
Once you're in a road company,
it's very hard to get back to Broadway.
No, uh, Quapaw.
Yeah, look, I know you're busy, but...
Think Captain Pierce would part
with some of his nudist magazines?
Okay. Yeah, terrific.
We'll hang on.
Yeah? Okay! He's got Seattle.
Hey, it's yesterday there.
# M-O-U-S-E #
- The horse.
- Wha... Oh, look, Pa,
I can't hang on too long.
Not a sound.
- What? What? What?
Sometimes we all need
a helping hand.
In Atlantic City,
this'd cost you seven-fifty.
- Standing by!
- Standing by!
- Hold the water!
- Hold the water!
- Inside and out.
- Well, what can I do?
I'll arrange a discharge.
- What was that, sir?
Like to see you do that Top Hat number
for the wounded.
Number one... In the Mess Tent yesterday,
he made a face at me.
Aired 44 years ago - Nov 30, 1976
After 24 hours of surgery, Hawkeye and Potter venture off to a Korean hospital to lend a hand. Hawkeye is appalled to learn that he must carry a gun. After helping the Koreans, they are shelled on the way back. They scramble from the jeep before it
is shelled, and Potter urges Hawkeye to shoot in self-defense, against Hawkeye's will, and he does...into the air.
You just made my day.
Good question. I was stolen from the
Gypsies by two ruthless Lebanese peasants...
Sir, my people need me.
- ## [Singing]
Why do you always give me a bad time
every time I give you a bad time?
If Donald were here,
he'd be the first one to volunteer.
- Alphabetically is fine with me.
- Oh, sure.
- Yes, me.
- But, sir, you're a grandfather.
We'll settle this right now.
Three. Looks like
a marriage, Frank.
Tape. What did you do
with the tape?
What does it say?
- A gold medal?
It's the law of the jungle.
Colonel, if I touch that gun,
I'll just trigger another argument.
- You're not hitting
those high notes anymore.
- Hurt myself, sir.
- Do you think you can find it?
- If we run into trouble,
I'll call Triple "A."
- You see any good restaurants?
- Cut the chatter. Let's move it.
- Col. Sherman Potter, MASH 4077.
- Where you headed, sir?
- Good luck.
- I watch, sir!
Two enemy divisions attacked
our forces early this morning.
More of Klinger's coffee?
I don't take orders from my eyelids.
- Not a chance.
- Oh, yeah? Watch this. Sleep.
I don't like to have them
stay out so late on a school night.
Jack of hearts.
You're one heck of a hypnotist.
Stop right there.
I'm a married man.
Major, I wish you'd drop in
on us one day at the 4077 th...
Again, thank you for all your help.
- I could use a belt.
- Why, are your pants falling down?
To Klinger's nose!
- [Machine Gun Fire]
I believe my life is about
to pass before my eyes.
Well, I don't believe
anybody's made the offer yet.
They shoot at us.
We shoot at them.
All right. You're fired.
- You can't just sit there.
- I may be sitting on the outside...
All right, everybody, I start
shooting at the count of three.
- You're a crazier soldier than a surgeon.
- [Gunfire Stops]
Aired 44 years ago - Nov 23, 1976
When Dr. Syn Paik, a North Korean surgeon, arrives with some wounded, he is passed off as a South Korean by Hawkeye and B.J., but to no avail. Hot Lips and Frank try to convince Potter that Paik is a spy. Paik, Hawkeye, and B.J. agree that it would be in the interest of all for Syn to leave.
- It really burns my butt.
- Mine too. You're not the only
real American here, Frank.
- I promise.
- I'm so upset, Margaret.
Look at my hand shaking.
Look, I didn't ask for this job. If you wanna
take over, Pierce, just say the word.
How do you like it...
short on the top, thick on the sides?
- [Gasping, Coughing]
- Major Burns?
- [Moans] What is it?
Drive this lady home.
My keys are in my sport coat.
He was pulling out
his trach tube.
Don't unleash him.
He's a killer.
- You'll treat other prisoners.
- Worms, foot fungus, diarrhea.
You know, I've been in combat
for almost three years...
Well, why not?
- It was perfected
by an Italian macaroni expert.
Oh, no. Here it comes.
You guys are kidding, right?
Beej, the, uh, the nurses' annual
physical is coming up soon, isn't it?
- You better move along
if you want a window seat.
Radar, this is the first time "l" Corps has
sent us help without us screaming about it.
At first, your roommates
may appear a bit crazy.
- Didn't we tango?
- Certainly not.
There is. If he were a good doctor, he'd
be in Beverly Hills helping the wealthy.
- Where'd you pick that up?
- Professor Goodson in Chicago, sir.
What's your business, gentlemen?
- What's goin' on here, Klinger?
- Oh, Major Burns, sir...
Oh. Well, what are you guys
standing around for?
The men in the jeep. It is
common practice to change uniforms...
Uh, stay a while. I could tell you about
my work with, uh, arterial transplants.
I'd have to be back
in a couple of hours.
- Let's all go to the colonel's
office and discuss it, sir.
- The colonel's office.
Break a leg.
What men? What jeep?
- Captain Cho? How did he know?
- I don't know. He just knew.
Need a little excitement
to break up the monotony?
- [M.P.] We're checking everybody, Major.
- Now, listen, Sergeant...
Colonel, you're not gonna throw away a
perfectly good doctor on a technicality?
- There must be some way we can keep him.
[Frank] Why don't I start out
with a couple of jokes...
- [Engine Stops]
- Why did we stop?
We are North Koreans.
You ungrateful creeps!
Aired 44 years ago - Nov 16, 1976
After Frank discovers that Danny Fitzsimmons has shot himself to get out of combat, Father Mulcahy is called in. Realizing his lack of understanding of the fighting, Mulcahy accompanies Radar to an aid station, where they encounter the real war at first hand. Mulcahy performs an emergency tracheotomy, guided by Hawkeye over the radio.
- He saved my life.
- Lift him out.
- He says he has someone
he wants you to talk to.
- Well, certainly.
So he tripped it...
saved my life.
- Forget it.
- Hawkeye? There's someone
you want me to talk to?
- Oh, Frank, um...
He tripped a land mine on purpose.
We have a witness.
- I knew he'd get it.
- I'm not operating on any damn dog.
And it wouldn't look very good, Frank,
if... if, uh... What's his name?
You're gonna be okay, boy.
- Father, do you know how
he got his name Boom Boom?
- No, I don't.
- Neither do I.
- You know, Father Gallagher...
Well, you're young. You're far
from home. You made a mistake.
One night, I was in a foxhole
with four other guys.
Well, let's not talk about Boom Boom.
Let's talk about you.
Well, at least my cheeks
won't be bloodshot.
Father, you've got
the toughest job in camp...
Heard about him.
He was famous for the poker games...
Yeah, right. We don't have any choppers,
and you don't have any ambulances.
Do you think you and Igor
could grab a jeep and go get him?
You don't belong up there.
- Yes, sir. Sorry I interrupted
your service, Father.
- [Mulcahy] Hmm?
Uh, Father, you gotta get permission.
I only got orders for Igor and me.
- I can't argue with that...
- [Engine Starts]
That's a bad chest wound.
Nah. They're too smart
to get wounded.
Radar, I want to thank you
for bringing me along on this.
I really needed the experience.
- Also, he gave me three dollars.
I had that for breakfast.
- a hole in a foot.
- Spare me.
- How's Corporal Cupcake?
- [Frank] Who?
- What's the matter?
- Help me.
- Put it on the speaker.
- What's the problem, Radar?
- Hardly any at all.
All right, Father,
here we go.
- Don't you have anything else?
- I've got my Tom Mix pocketknife.
- Is a pencil okay?
- No, it has to be
something hollow. Think!
Oh, okay, okay.
We're doing it.
- Oh! Oh, sure. Okay.
- [Incoming Shell]
That tissue is fibrous.
It's not going to be easy to cut.
which we are about to
receive from thy bounty...
Good work, Padre. Get that man
back here as fast as you can.
- Radar, you all right?
- Oh, yeah. Sure.
I'm just a little carsick.
Aired 44 years ago - Nov 09, 1976
Sidney Freedman, feeling depressed, visits the 4077th to observe how they fare under the pressures of war. He begins a letter to Sigmund Freud as a form of self-therapy, and releases his tension in the form of a practical joke with B.J., aimed at Frank Burns.
- Well, your feet seem to be
coming along just fine.
- It's my head, Doc.
I hope I win 'em back. I don't want
the holes in my lobes to close up again.
It was slowing down.
Look what it did to his helmet.
- Don't spoil it!
- Sir, I'm really scared.
Whoever the perpetrator is,
he or she is becoming a folk hero.
If this isn't civilization, why am I
standing in a bomb crater?
- Are you a doctor?
- That's what they all think here.
My gosh. Will you look at
those boots? What a mess.
It's beautiful up there. At 20,000 feet,
the sky is a brilliant blue.
I can't understand why
you call this place the Swamp.
We couldn't help but notice that
you came for the poker game
and stayed for two weeks.
The days get shorter.
The nights get colder.
I spent a lot of time with him.
that sweet, innocent,
- God, I thought that lump under
his blankets was dirty laundry.
- It is.
- [All Chattering]
- [Radar] Oh, no!
Make sure those stitches aren't pulled.
Get the X-ray machine going.
And this time he can shake his can!
You got that?
He's shy and studious,
and yet he's got a left hook
that could stop a truck.
I used to wake up every morning
like that when I was a boy.
I had to sleep with my brothers.
- In an hour or so.
- What's holding it up?
Major, word has gotten around
that you're feeling kind of low.
The wounded don't get to you?
The cold? The food? The rats?
You mean the athletic supporter?
Major, you're a nurse.
- Thank you.
- My uniform is proud to serve.
I'm sorry you got upset.
That's pretty difficult here,
because pain is such a basic
ingredient to the MASH unit.
Eight years old. I got a granddaughter
back home who's about eight.
God, she's just
a little baby.
I don't intend getting caught more than
six paces away from a good hole...
- She's been going in for strange things.
- Like what?
- For no reason?
- Just to look around.
Well, she's changing.
You bet she isn't, bub. I happen to
believe in the sanctity of marriage...
Don't take a vacation
Say good night
for me too, sir.
I haven't had fruit for so long,
my colon will think it's a stickup.
I never know what to say.
Of all the lousy duties I've
had to perform in this service...
"while he was trying to save
the lives of five other fellows.
"We were proud of him at MASH...
- He's an enigma with size- 13 shoes.
- Get that guy to pre-op now.
Aired 44 years ago - Oct 26, 1976
After hearing that North Korean prisoners have been released in the area, everyone is upset when Margaret disappears. Colonel Flagg is called in to investigate, and bungles things in his usual manner. Finally Hot Lips returns, after helping in the birth of a Korean baby.
I can't make this out.
When did he last have morphine?
Pierce with a 50-foot hook shot.
- My condolences to your libido.
Let's ask the average G.I. Excuse me,
sir. I have a question for you.
- Then shut up, Frank.
You might wake him.
- And nuts to you.
But I'm telling you. It's really spooky.
It's like she disappeared.
- We can't just sit around.
We gotta do something.
- You're right. I'll shave.
- Uh, Klinger?
- Mom, I don't wanna go to school today.
You're right, Frank. And that
wrinkled shirt doesn't help either.
You could have killed me!
[B.J.] Put an apple in your mouth.
We'll play William Tell.
Fortunately, Frank's as good a marksman
as he is a surgeon.
- Well, what's so funny, Corporal?
- Sorry, sir.
- "A" to "Z." Very methodical.
- I try to use the alphabet
whenever I can, sir.
- What's the big deal?
- Oh, well, "nudidity"
makes me breathe funny.
It's okay now.
- I agree he's a pain in the neck.
- Try three feet lower.
- Yes, sir.
- And then ask them if
they've seen Gone With the Wind.
You're doing fine. It's only 10:00,
and you've already shot a doctor.
Uh, Spark, I gotta go.
Colonel Flagg just come in.
I'll buy that... for now.
Nobody tells anybody I'm anywhere.
- Watched a hundred hours
of The Three Stooges.
There's no such thing
Neither would Ling Chow
if he were dressed like this.
- Like the one in Frank's head.
- Pound it out your porthole.
- Cut myself shaving.
- Another comedian.
I have a complete record on you.
I know every move you make.
- This won't look good on your record.
- It's only Reader's Digest.
That's right. So you hit her over
the head with a blunt instrument.
- How do you know?
- I was a showgirl for six weeks.
And Major Houlihan and I usually
do that, so I was wondering...
- Now the contractions
are getting really strong.
Another contraction and you
can see the baby's head appear.
And once the shoulders are delivered,
the rest of the body slips
I had a device surgically implanted
in my throat that neutralizes alcohol.
I have no home.
I'm the wind.
- I only sit two minutes a day.
- It's bad to put pressure
on your brains.
I have been
in this business 20 years...
to search and destroy
anything that moves.
- I'll get her back.
- Dead or alive?
- What the hell are you gonna do
with a box of scorpions?
- It's personal.
- Anything happen while I was gone?
- I ripped my pink pedal pushers.
Aired 44 years ago - Oct 19, 1976
When Hot Lips confines Nurse Baker to her quarters, little does she know that Baker's husband has arrived in the camp. Hawkeye and B.J. put them together in Hot Lips' tent, telling everyone that a quarantined patient has been placed there. When Hot Lips discovers what has happened, she breaks down and refuses to press charges.
Why don't you guess,
and we'll tell you if you're right.
You're in enough trouble
with that peroxide on your hair.
Forget it, all right?
- Excuse me.
- Right. I'm Tony Baker.
- Uh, Corporal O'Reilly.
- In the Swamp?
- Yeah. Come on. I'll show you.
- Right down there.
- What's going on?
I'm in enough trouble as it is.
- where you were heard to say...
- Oh. "When I grow up, I want
to be in the Korean War."
- Hi. Is this seat taken?
- Tony. Tony, where are you?
- I've got to be back tomorrow.
- I'm due in post-op in 10 minutes.
- compliments of the wonderful
people who brought you this war.
- Quarantining your tent.
- Quarantining my tent? What for?
uh, if I were you,
I wouldn't suck in any air, Major.
We thought about that.
But if the good father got the plague...
gonna hear about this.
Millions of people contract it
by wading waist-high in the river Nile.
Now, we-we-we can't be sure. We just have to
quarantine him for a while to find out.
No. Of course not, Colonel.
- Oh. Richard and I had the bridal suite there.
- Can you fit into a coffee cup?
- Try not to take it so hard.
- I'm not. That's just it.
Oh, uh, you children
get out of here.
Check all trays
and inventory all supplies.
- We'll rock her to sleep.
- With a real rock.
- Then how come he has a baby?
- I'm playing hard to get. I'm making her suffer.
He might like that.
Well, what's this?
Everybody in bed on time for a change?
I was going to the latrine.
my lavender peasant blouse
Um, if you scrape the black off of it,
it's toast under it.
Would you tell Hawkeye
and B.J. Thanks?
- Chopper's on the pad.
- Looks like a sellout.
- We don't want to see her in any more trouble.
- Then you should've stopped her.
You're in the army,
and the army means discipline.
All right. If I had asked your permission
last night, what would you have done?
Include me in one of
your little bull sessions?
But, uh, I think he got better,
because we released him.
Aired 44 years ago - Oct 12, 1976
Following an offer of promotion made by Master Sergeant Woodruff at a poker game, Radar is promoted to the rank of lieutenant. Finding this position awkward, Radar opts to return to his position as an enlisted man.
Aired 44 years ago - Oct 05, 1976
While fixing a stove that explodes, Hawkeye's face is badly burned. His eyes are bandaged, and it is not known if he will ever see again. Meanwhile Frank bets on the outcome of a baseball game, which he has already heard on the radio. After much tension in the camp the bandages come off, and happily, Hawkeye can see again.
Aired 44 years ago - Sep 28, 1976
Margaret, calling from Tokyo, holds the camp in suspense until she returns with the news of her engagement to Lieutenant Colonel Donald Penobscott. Frank Burns takes the news hard and arrests a Korean family as spies.
Of course I don't not trust you.
But the phones do have ears.
- [Man] Clamp.
- [B.J.] She didn't even give you a clue, Colonel?
[Potter] It seems Tumwater himself was
throwing a do at the Zen Bar to celebrate.
You took out part of a man's
large intestine without exteriorizing it?
Ohh. I understand you
brought good news from Tokyo.
- Margaret, we give up.
- Okay. Okay, sit down.
- Oh. That's better.
Colonel, he's everything I asked for when
you dressed up as Santa last Christmas...
- Who's the gal with him?
- I think she's a cousin.
Donald is considerate,
brave and so generous.
Uh, some of our procedures
- Well, that's one.
- Give me that Bible.
And keep your hands off it.
Until those little ingrates
set fire to his pants.
you have to expect the worst.
Hence and furthermore...
- Ha, ha, ha.
- Ha, ha, ha, ha.
About three weeks ago...
- What do you have to say for yourself, Burns?
- Exteriorizing takes time.
Let's go in the den
and watch TV.
- Oh, I'm so happy, Frank.
- If you're happy, I'm happy.
- [Potter] That's not so bad.
- [B.J.] Nine straight hours?
Hey, B.J.? Hawkeye?
Corporal, if you need a job after the war,
look me up in Fort Wayne.
no thank you, sir.
A wimp, he is not.
He's all man.
Why, Major Burns,
you're exteriorizing the wound.
- Come on. Hold still. Hold still.
- That sadist.
You can take it.
You're a grown woman... semi.
I'll always have a soft spot
for a real patriot.
- [Margaret] Who's there?
- Open the door and let me in,
or I'll huff and I'll puff...
I wish only the best
for you, Margaret.
And there, printed right
on the paper was the answer...
in striped T-shirts.
I don't think it would
weaken the war effort.
- He'll grind you into soap flakes!
- Say "grind" again!
[Pin Clatters On Ground]
Now I know how Dad felt
the night of my prom.
Uh, I think you sirs
oughta, uh, come outside.
Major Burns presenting prisoners of war
to be interrogated, sir!
- Radar, see if they need medical attention.
- These people look hungry.
Frank, you're exhausted.
You haven't slept in 48 hours.
- Put the rifle down, Frank.
- I'll take it, Frank.
Aired 44 years ago - Sep 21, 1976
A rumour that there's going to be a practive bug-out causes anxiety. When Potter assembles the unit in an attempt to squelch the rumor, the call comes in to bug out, and the rumour suddenly comes to life! Meanwhile, Hawkeye begins surgery on a
patient with a spinal injury. The bug-out proceeds without him, Hot Lips and Radar, and they quickly learn after the unit departs that they're in the midst of the front. When Potter, Mulcahy, BJ, Frank and the others arrive at the buildings which had been scouted by helicopter, they find the house full of "business girls," and Potter gives them Klinger's dresses to persuade them to leave the house. A helicopter comes to evacuate the spinal injury patient, and just as the three get ready to go to the new location, they find the 4077 is already returning, and eventually everyone reunites back at the camp, what with the Chinese being repulsed.
Oh, no, I won't tell
And don't ever spread rumors again.
Tittle-tattle will lose the battle.
- Take this hip.
- Chinese paratroopers and tanks
coming, four divisions.
- Crock of beans!
You just tell her to soak that thing
every night in warm boric acid solution.
I'd like to start the holidays
with a fresh latrine.
Look here, Colonel.
Now then, I have spoken personally
to General Hamilton at Headquarters.
- [Radar] Hawkeye!
- [Hawkeye] Mask!
- When you sent for me,
I thought you were kidding, sir.
- I don't kid, skeezix.
- [B.J.] Oozing?
- [Hawkeye] Yeah, quite a bit.
These are not official gear,
and they'll not be transported...
If you start to cry,
I'll give you a good slap.
Oh, yeah? Well, what about
your junk, Frank?
Take it, take it. Look at this.
No, he can't be moved
for a day at least.
- How's the boy doing?
- Slight movement in the toes.
The Smith Brothers
of the jelly bean industry.
They left us this stuff.
It's a couple cans of Vienna
sausage, two cans of Spam...
[Hawkeye] Everyone likes
to leave town on a holiday.
Rosie, who gave you
the blue medicine for your gums?
- It's bottled in Duluth.
- 1951. Good year for Nehi.
- Healer of sick.
- That's sweet, Rosie.
Stand by for the blessing!
I mean, uh, police action.
If I'm ever shot,
don't let him lay a hand on me.
- What's that supposed to mean?
- Madam, and the others are
her ladies of the evening.
- A bakery?
- That got her. She loves Vienna sausage.
With both lips. Step over here.
I wanna talk to you.
Cowboy, do it for your country.
Well, he's got his ticket,
his matched luggage...
- It's spooky. Let's get out of here.
- Come on. Let's go!