Aired 14 years ago - May 20, 2007
Death grants Peter's wish to go back in time to 1984 when he was 18, but only for one night. He ends up bailing on a date with Lois to hang out with a movie actress. When he returns to the present, he soon realizes that everything is anything but
normal, as he is now married to the former actress, and Lois is with Quagmire. Meanwhile, Stewie, Chris and Meg have also taken on Quagmire's charming characteristics.
All right, now I want you
to meet me at this address
Peter, you're the one from the future.
You should know... Ah, forget it.
Yeah, I've logged a lot of game hours
on Menstrual Ms. Pacman.
All right, Peter, your time's up.
that fat, lonely women's club.
Angel food cake.
I crash here once or twice a week.
You know, where the woman
wakes up in the hospital,
Wow, that cameraman
has nice strong arms.
Mr. Griffin, what I do with my husband
is none of your business.
We were only in 1984 one night,
and now everything's all messed up.
causing the time line to skew off
into an alternate tangent,
Well, who knows what else we changed.
Oh, God, Brian, we messed up bad.
We messed up real bad.
Don't freak out like you did
when your goldfish died.
hunting down and killing
Osama Bin Laden with his bare hands?
You're supposed to be married to me.
Then Glenn came along,
and stole my heart.
- Let's go upstairs and do it.
We could kind of just take
that one and call it a win.
You are not taking my whole wallet
so you can go shopping.
And with zero tolerance gun control
Listen, you've got to
send me back in time again
Lois! Oh, my God,
it's so good to see you!
Well, maybe you should
just go by yourself.
I look forward to watching it
with you, sweetheart.
Say, I was just getting ready
to hit the town.
I haven't screw up this bad since
I bought Joe Piscopo that barbell set.
But at least don't make me
wait up all night for you.
- Oh, God, sorry! Sorry!
You deserve a gentleman.
- It's a line from Die Hard.
And not Quagmire or any man,
Who the hell am I kidding?
- Hey, Quagmire.
Are you kidding?
Aired 14 years ago - May 13, 2007
Lois runs for mayor of Quahog, though she doesn't become the front-runner until she dumbs down her political views. Once in office, she becomes corrupted with the power that she now holds, and begins accepting bribes so that she can buy herself
expensive things. Meanwhile, Peter comes to enjoy being the "first lady" of Quahog, and all of the perks that go along with it.
He was Ralph on Happy Days.
Donny Most, Donny Most
All right,here's a little
tune inspired by
And she said, "I'll drive you there."
Wah! I'm sad about stuff! Wah!
I think it's a safe bet
that that's responsible.
- You have a Ziggy tattoo?
- Aw, geez.
Oh, I don't think it's so bad.
I feel rather like Mozart.
And in return, I get free oil
for my hair.
All right ,Mrs. Griffin,
you want to take me on? Fine.
Oh, done stung myself.
or will she just menstruate all over the city?"
Stay with us.
And here to help me secure
the Latino vote is actor Jimmy Smits.
- I'm sorry, Joe. It's just an expression.
- Peter, you want some potatoes?
- Yeah, how you doin'?
Sweep that up. Put it in your room,
but sweep it up first.
Are you aware that
Lois Griffin has a plan
Hi. When you go to vote for mayor
tomorrow, please vote for Lois Griffin.
What the hell are you talking about?
between incumbent Adam West
and challenger Lois Griffin.
I have a 12-point program
for the security of...
I think it's great we live in a town
where you can ask questions.
He didn't even say anything
and they're eating it up.
Because that's what Jesus wants.
Mrs. Griffin, what about
our traffic problem?
Which reminds me, Diane, when's
the last time you... aw, forget it.
And the first thing I'm going to do as
mayor is clean up Lake Quahog.
the environmental damage
being done to Lake Quahog,
That's right, terrorists.
How much money before it can feel safe again?
thanks to the efforts of newly
elected mayor, Lois Griffin.
I think this is really gonna
Yeah, that looks pretty expensive.
Lois, spending even one penny of that
money on yourself is incredibly unethical.
What the hell's up with
these rolling blackouts?
Way ahead of you, Brian.
My mistake, I'll take care of this.
Good. 'Cause if you screw up,
I'll kill ya.
We're near the park, Lois.
Oh, that's the tree. I peed on that.
we would like to thank Mayor Lois Griffin
for our newest waste pipe.
Aired 14 years ago - May 06, 2007
After Chris is expelled from school, he is sent to a boarding school that his grandfather Carter attended, but Chris doesn't exactly fit in. Meanwhile, the chicken returns to pick a fight with Peter.
- Chapter 3:
Well, let me know if you need help.
I can be very persuasive.
So, yeah, let's do it.
We gonna have a puppet show.
We gonna have some jazz.
Oh, and the adventure begins again.
This is not what the founding
fathers had in mind.
I suppose there is one thing I can do
to raise the school's test average.
I can just pee in my bed all day.
for long periods of time with men,
just men for many days at a time.
My son got into DeVry.
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Hang on. Hang on.
Why don't you let my wife and
I take you out to dinner?
- and we just loved it.
- Loved it.
My food was more expensive.
I feel bad. If I...
well, I was wondering if you could get him
into that fancy boarding school you went to.
Do you know why I stopped you?
Well, Chris, here we are.
What kind of freakin' king lives
next to the train tracks?
Oh, yes, yes,how do you do, sirrrr?
Um, oh, dear. Johann tells me your
luggage is the luggage of the poor.
One time I picked my nose and I swear
I could feel the bottom of my eye.
Oh, no, Chris, that's horrible.
The Skull and Bones Society
has been a part of my family for decades,
Good. Why don't you try putting
some weight on it?
is charging us $30,000.
Come on. Come on in.
Your family's waiting in here.
Chris, I'd give you a hug, but I'm exhausted from
working two jobs to pay your tuition.
I'll take the one on the right.
Aired 14 years ago - Apr 29, 2007
Lois gets a job as the church organist, so the family decides to begin going back to church. When Stewie gets sick after receiving communion, the congregation becomes convinced that he has been possessed by the devil. While on the run, the family
ends up in Texas, where Peter begins to fit right in with the cowboys, Stewie enters the "Little Miss Texas" pageant, and Chris and Meg sneak into George W. Bush's house.
My word, what a fascinating man
this Jesus must have been.
to come home and feed
her starving family.
That means you'll play the organ.
She can't answer you.
A reading from the letter of John
to the couple with the crying baby upstairs.
Oh, I am so hungry.
Yes, yes, die, die, die!
we'll hide in the one place they can't find us.
Who cares as long as it's away
from those bloody church fanatics.
A substantial reward is being offered for
any information leading to his capture.
but the mosquitoes were going crazy,
and she said there was no way.
Why don't you put sunflower seeds
in the Ding Dongs while you're at it?
Oh, did you hear that cashier's accent?
No, see, there's got to be something
in here we can use.
Howdy, new neighbors.
Nope, sorry, Kevin Bacon
wasn't in Footloose.
You know, this place may be the upside
to everything that's happened.
Belts are a great way
to express opinions.
This turn of events came
after Vatican scientists
The Superdevil is at least
six inches taller,
Aw, just that I think you're going to love this cake.
- There you go.
Easton leads the scoring with four.
Huh. That was kind of cool.
He is a graceful, majestic creature
who is a part of this family
Well, you're not quite in the club yet.
Can I help you, Edward?
I forgot why I came over.
Why don't you meet the other contestants
while I go register you?
Wow! Look how organized he is.
Hey, what are you kids doing here?
and cold filtered Miller Genuine Draft.
Oh. See... yeah, I'm not quite...
- There you go, sport.
- Thank you.
Fellas! Fellas! Can't we talk this over?
Now the final contestant for our
talent portion of the competition,
Hey, Lois, great news.
We can go back to Quahog.
Aired 14 years ago - Mar 25, 2007
The Griffin family decides to start their own restaurant, though have a hard time attracting customers. After Joe promises to help, Peter is excited at the fact of it becoming a local hangout for the police. However, things don't really turn out as
hoped, and instead it begins to be popular with the handicapped. When Peter attempts to change the place, a sudden twist of irony quickly changes his mind.
with half the activities done.
My God, Peter, you wore
those pajamas to your office?
You remember? I used to say :
"What would it feel like to be a bear?"
Where could I be?
I'm going to try the Quonset hut.
That's why I rushed over.
- No, I want it all gone, Glen.
- All right, we're going Brazilian.
to swap my vocal cords
with Patrick Stewart.
Don't you think it's time
we did something with it?
Yeah, we got shut down
'cause of my exploding cupcakes.
Oh, yeah, right, that was the problem.
I got a credit card.
Please love me, Mama!
They're in an exclusive club
You are going to sit there
and listen to the funny things
Joan of Arc with the Lord to guide her
That isn't easy even if you're a guy...
Except for that one time
when she didn't come back
You and I own a restaurant.
Can you believe it?
What? Well, how is that possible?
- What is it?
- Come closer.
Our usual doughnut shop
has gotten a little...
Lois, roll out the red carpet.
Here comes Joe and his cop buddies.
Oh, God. I hope there's not one of
those angry, handicapped Vietnam guys
Peter, isn't this wonderful?
The place is packed.
under Mark Harmon?
It's a lifestyle choice
you're forcing on America.
But I'll be back with
more handicapped guys!
What are you going to do, Joe?
I'm up here.
Aired 14 years ago - Mar 11, 2007
Peter helps Bill Clinton with his flat tire, and they soon become friends. They begin spending a lot of time together and Lois begins to believe that Bill inflicting bad influence on Peter. But when she confronts Bill, they end up having sex. Peter,
upset that his wife would do this, tries to get back at Lois by having an affair of his own, but soon realizes that he loves her too much to do so. Meanwhile, Lois and Stewie try to potty-train Brian.
Okay, see ya la...
Hey, I didn't know you
guys work out here?
Hey, you guys the trainers here?
We're two intelligent guys,
we can figure this out.
"Those flowers that you totally
sent me were really pretty,"
Me, too. All real writers
need to be seen writing,
So I'll use Meg's laptop.
There's no way you're a size six.
It seems he blew a tire
in front of your house.
First one to have a bead of neck
sweat reach their butt crack wins.
I wanted to stop by
and extend my good wishes.
After my bypass, I remember wondering
if it was all downhill from there.
Well, if you really think it'll help.
I'm going to show you that
age is just a state of mind.
I'm a Barbie girl in a Barbie world
See, I told you, Peter,
age is just a state of mind.
Dude, check it out!
Peter, that pig...
Aw, crap! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!
- What the hell?!
- No! No!
Oh, Brian, this is disgusting!
Oh, my God! Get it out of here!
But doesn't that sound like
something that could be true?
Oh, hey, come on, man.
You just got to get used to it.
It's like we have a little
Michelangelo in the house.
We lived, Lois. We lived our lives.
If he won't listen, I'm just going to
have to go talk to Bill Clinton myself.
What the hell was I thinking?
I-I don't know what came over me.
I know nothing I could say to
you could possibly justify
Well, well. I learned something today.
but I want you to know I'm here
for you if you need anything.
What do you want?
- Because I don't want to lose you.
- Well, it would make us even.
very sexual things.
Some very angry, sexual things.
Yikes! I could use a
distraction right now.
As it yields to the sound
of your heart beating
Just pick somebody,
and I'll make it happen.
It was my understanding that
there would be no questions asked.
and my natural response
could be to get offended.
Well, we were in the neighborhood,
and Peter said, "Let's stop in."
- I have to ask you something.
- What is it, Lois?
Aired 14 years ago - Mar 04, 2007
Quagmire takes Peter to work but Peter messes things up, causing Quagmire to lose his job as a pilot. After not being able find another job, Peter and Cleveland make plans to help him get his old job back. When the plan fails, Quagmire receives advice from his idol, Hugh Hefner.
- If you look at the bones of a...
Oh, there's my apple juice.
We're looking at about a
four-and-a-half-hour flight time today.
Even though oxygen is flowing,
the bag may not inflate!
We'd better alert the mayor.
I'll have to interrupt his photo op.
as a Trans National 767 was
forced to make a crash-landing.
However, using state-of-the-art
Channel 5 computer technology,
But boy, am I angry!
No, Peter, it's perfectly normal to
siphon jet fuel from an active runway
- Oh, hey, Peter. Hey, Lois.
- Glenn, what are you doing up there?
What if we had two calculators
and we put them next to each other?
like a prom night Dumpster baby.
My fanny needs a blanket
And somebody to spank it
- I'm takin' a stroll
- He's takin' a stroll
Well, you're gonna have
to help him find one,
Okay, so I'll talk to him tomorrow?
I really liked that job working
on the Starship Enterprise.
Fellas, I think I have an idea.
Once we have the uniforms
All right, I'm gonna go
bring the pilots their coffee.
Oh, stop, I'm tick...
I know you have a choice in airport sex,
and I appreciate your choosing Quagmire.
- What?! Oh, no!
- And that's not the worst part.
Ah, who the hell am I kidding?
I don't deserve to be a pilot.
"and Glenn Quagmire is the best
damn pilot I've ever seen."
Men, we're doing everything
in our power to get you down.
can land an anchorman in hot water.
Aired 14 years ago - Feb 18, 2007
When a bully harasses Chris, Peter goes to his defense, but ends up beating him up. Peter realizes bullying is fun and begins to bully everyone in the house. Finally, Chris stands up to Peter and beats him senseless. Meanwhile, Stewie goes out
without sunscreen and becomes obsessed with getting a tan. After Brian leaves him in the tanning booth for six hours, Stewie gets sunburned and fears he has cancer. While waiting for the results of his cancer screening, Stewie begins to live his life as if he had only days to live and drives Brian crazy with his demands.
Peter, you took him out
without any sunscreen?
Hello, I'm Fran Drescher.
"President Johnson, bring our boys
home from Southeast Asia.
Oh, that's terrible. You're a
wonderful paperboy, Chris,
Oh, thank God we live in this time.
- Look, Griffin got his ass kicked.
- What a loser.
My book report is on The Giving Tree.
I'll do it, Lois. Right after
a healthy breakfast of juice,
I like it 'cause it's just above my lip.
And pedophile or not, he,
he was a perfectly professional person.
- Right. Possibly.
- You're talking out of your ass.
- Uh, are they still sleeping?
- I don't know. I'll check.
Listen, apparently your son got
into a little scrape with my kid.
- Hey, I'm Chris Griffin's father.
- Hey, I'm Chris Griffin's father.
- Shut up, Kyle.
- I'm Peter Griffin.
Peter did what?!
You're 43, and you just assaulted
our neighbor's child!
It's not a skin color,
it's a lifestyle, Brian.
But not too fast 'cause
Stewie takes it slow...
Kyle's mother agreed not to
press charges if you apologize.
You got Legos? Aw, sweet!
Well, I never was very good
at building things.
You don't have to apologize.
I would have done the same thing.
I don't remember you having
that mole before.
- Hey, Swedish chef.
- Oh, hey, Kermit, what's going on?
'Cause there are two kinds of
people in this world, Chris.
My point being that I'm a bully,
not a nerd.
and I've got to make the most of it.
- Peter, put me down!
- I told you, not until you sing.
Peter, look at yourself.
Like Dick Cheney when he was
a Wal-Mart greeter.
I don't have much time!
Why only when I ignore you do
you return to the center of my eye?
Really?! Oh, thank God! Oh, thank God!
Chris, I'm gonna show you
how to stand up to a bully.
- Yeah, I have MS.
- Oh, you hear that, Chris?
Aired 14 years ago - Feb 11, 2007
After Peters dad, Francis, dies, Thelma tells him that his real father actually lives in Ireland. So Peter and Brian decide to head there in search of his father, who ends up being the town drunk. They decide to play a drinking game to prove his
paternity. Meanwhile, Stewie acts out and Lois spanks him. Realizing that he likes being spanked, Stewie does whatever he can to get into trouble.
- I don't know.
- Well, my God, Lois,
So, Meg, your birthday's coming up, huh?
So the man asks the bartender
to recommend a good drink.
So which one of you wants
to lose your virginity?
I'm an adorable tramp who wears found
clothing and eats out of your garbage can.
Peter, I don't think you're actually
supposed to swallow those.
Stewie, what are you doing?!
You can't open Meg's gifts!
Too late! Take too long!
In the meantime, I leave you with
the musical stylings of Chris Griffin.
So I'll be your friend
- Is he breathing?
- Somebody call an ambulance!
I don't if you can hear me right now, but
Oh, my God, he's dead. He can't be dead.
- I can't believe Grandpa's dead.
- Well, he did kind of treat us like crap,
- We're all gonna miss him.
Booze made me fall down all those stairs.
This isn't exactly a good substitute.
Where'd you get crack?
"Dare card: Have her do a strip tease
- If I can't have it, nobody can!
- That is enough!
- Let me give you a hug.
Oh, my God!
I'm sorry I misbehaved, mother!
I'm sorry I misbehaved!
My God, I...
I haven't felt that alive in years.
Come on, Lois, hit me! Beat the
crap out of me! Step on my cubes.
I knew this day would come.
All right, Peter, here it is.
That'll do, pig. That'll do.
Oh! Thank you!
Yes, I made you take time out
of your day to clean my mess
- Punish me!
- Sweetie, you've really gotta stop...
My God, I really do
have problems, don't I?
even the boniest-fingered nun
could poke you in the chest
Have I heard of him?
Of course I've heard of him!
but I know where it should be!
Yeah, I came all the way
from America to find you.
Who's leg do you have to hump
to get a pint of Guiness around here?
Peter! You are a fat stinking drunk.
I have gotta drink him
so far under the table,
I challenge you to a drinking contest.
Aired 14 years ago - Jan 28, 2007
Brian sells Rupert at a garage sale. Stewie, who is upset with Brian, takes him cross country to Colorado to find his beloved teddy, and ends up having a ski-off to win back Rupert. Meanwhile, Peter loses his license, so Meg has to drive him around.
Peter, knock if off. Give it to me.
a little time away from the bar
will do you some good.
That show stopped being funny after
Kirstie Alley ate Shelley Long.
And things are gonna get better.
And if we buy it,
they save a real gorilla in the wild.
You son of a bitch!
One minute I'm filling up at Chevron,
All right, all right! Geez, Lois,
I'm just trying to amuse myself,
Lois, this is the best you could do?!
Am I Bo Bice? Yes, I am.
If I enter Connecticut,
I'm entering every state
"Aspen, Colorado. "
- I hate you.
- I hate you, too.
Want that on your conscience, Brian?
Try explaining this to Lois.
Take to the highway
Won't you lend me your name...
- I want apple juice.
- Dad, you left your apple juice at home.
Gettysburg. Billy Yanks. The 20th Maine.
You know, whatever. It's fine. It's fine.
Doesn't matter. Just, uh... I...
Queen Latifah or Halle Berry,
but she's been dead for six hours?
Oh, oh, God, stop!
Well, I can prove to you
that's a whole lot of nonsense.
But just in case you don't believe me,
ask the man himself.
- What the hell was that?
- I'm practicing my comedy crash.
Oh, my God! Brian, look!
- Billy Dee Williams.
- Hello, Peter.
I'm sorry, but that bear belongs
to Timmy. Now, please leave.
If you put peanut butter anywhere
on your body, he'll lick it off.
She danced for me
like I hoped she would.
going to see Lost in Translation
with Cleveland and Quagmire.
But, you know, Meg,
I'm starting to realize
Well, maybe just to keep up
appearances in front of the family.
Aired 14 years ago - Dec 17, 2006
Meg can't find a date to her junior prom, and even though he is dating Jillian, Brian ends up going with Meg. At the prom, Brian gets drunk to make the night pass, but ends up making out with Meg. Meg begins to think of Brian as her boyfriend and
becomes obsessed with spending every moment with him. Meanwhile, Peter, Cleveland and Quagmire join the police force to help Brian.
Oh, uh, I, uh...
what if I drove you and
walked in with you
continues to be the absence
of police officers in Quahog.
I've been working nonstop.
Besides, it's bound to go better than
my deep-sea training.
Here she is. Brian, I present to you
your polished turd for the evening.
Man, I got to tell ya,
I can see why you'd be insecure, Meg.
even if you're terrible,
they don't know the difference.
and started putting out when you were 12.
No one's ever stood up for me like that.
- I don't want to talk about it.
- Well, I do.
- Oh, yes, yes, yes, who's a good boy?
- I am. I'm a good boy.
Who the hell is texting me at 8:00 a.m.?
This is even a bigger jackpot
than when the Emperor figured out
We're going to start by learning
how to do a cavity search.
I saw this penis on the Internet today
and I thought to myself :
- We do?
- Yeah, we're doing that thing.
Actually, I thought I was pretty clear...
Brian, I'm ready? You in or out?
- He looks just like Ben Affleck.
- Is that Ben Affleck?
Look, this has gone a little too far.
I like you. I think you're great, but
Besides, I have a girlfriend.
I'm dating Jillian.
- So, I baked you a pie.
- Oh, wow. Hey, that looks delicious.
Do you feel me inside of you?
- Cool Whip.
- Cool Hwhip.
And an official on-duty cop.
Now stick your finger in there
and twist it!
So, here's the thing, and don't get mad.
Look, the short version is,
Brian, did you get
into the garbage last night?
Look, you obviously didn't hear me
yesterday, so I'll explain it again.
I will never be attracted to you!
Guys, it's not all about action.
I think something may have happened.
Oh, my God, Brian was right.
Meg really must be obsessed with him.
I know you so well.
Oh, just relax. We're gonna be here
for a "hwhile."
- Don't move, dirtbag!
- Holy crap, what the hell is this?
I'm not confused!
Aired 14 years ago - Nov 26, 2006
Stewie ties the knot with his old flame Olivia, but their relationship quickly turns, and becomes normal dull marriage. It all escalates when they go on a double date with Brian and Jillian. Meanwhile, Lois introduces Peter to chick flicks, so he decides to make his own movie with a plot based on every chick movie ever.
And I don't mean the classy "maybe
they are, maybe they're not" gay guys.
I got a bad feeling about Suicidy.
Oh, you know, Lois, this movie has
helped me understand a lot of things.
So, he say this when your brain
know is not really nice day.
Oh, boy, I am going to take her
down right in front of everybody.
She's so cute.
I love children. Look at my kids.
My God, California's been good to you.
Um, i-it's a fun show
if you haven't seen it.
- What happened?
- She shot me down, Brian.
As well as...
Would Howard Hesseman lie for weed?
We don't think so. Order now.
- Hey, big date tonight?
- Uh, yeah, yeah.
that you're grown-up enough for her.
That's it, isn't it? Women respond
when you treat them like crap.
Oh, yeah? I'll tell you what
you're into. Being ugly.
So, I'll pick you up at 7:00?
Lois, before I found these movies,
women only made me cry through my penis.
"Is that... is that barbecue sauce?
When was I near barbecue sauce?"
You know, Stewie, I'm really glad
I gave you another chance.
Yeah, no kidding. Oh, my God.
Look at that sunset against the skyline.
Okay, everyone, welcome to the first
day of shooting for Steel Vaginas.
Peter, I can't lose the wheelchair.
I need it to move.
Great! Great! Wow!
Oh, hang on a sec.
Uh, idea for a short story:
Or-or none of us could have punch.
But still Victor could go away.
Oh, I'm acting like a jerk?
What about Phony Curtis over there?
I, Stewie, take you, Olivia,
to be my lawfully wedded wife.
and then all afternoon I was a fireman,
so it's been, uh... it's been a long one.
Oh, I don't know, Olivia.
Maybe that we are in a sexless marriage.
If you're gonna leave all those lights on,
I'm not gonna split the electric bill.
but Mr. Cheapo here refused
to let the valet touch his Big Wheel,
And it begins...
- Let's just enjoy dinner.
- Yeah, can't we just have a good time?
Well, if you think I'm a baby,
then perhaps I should act like a baby.
Sir? You feel strong?
You wanna come over here?
Well, here we are... opening night.
So, without further dudes, ah,
let's, uh, watch this thing.
When Vageena was first born,
I had a small heart and a lot to learn.
But one day, Vageena went swimming
too soon after eating a sandwich...
Aired 14 years ago - Nov 19, 2006
Lois discovers that Chris has some bad information about sex and she volunteers to teach a sex-ed class at the high school. Some parents become upset with her brutal honesty, and they have her replaced. A conservative christian comes to Quahog and
gets rid of the condoms at James Woods High. As a result the kids find an interesting loophole. Meanwhile Stewie, terrified of the Tooth Fairy, decides to set traps to destroy him.
'cause that makes it more likely
that one of those kids'll grow up
Now, you've probably heard all those rumors
- Just what we need.
- Hey, guys, I'm coming in.
That's right, allow me to demonstrate.
I say, look at this.
This toy has small parts.
Did you say the Tooth Fairy comes here?
Stewie, calm down.
Get a hold of yourself.
Hey, Lois, I wanted to get some K-Y Jelly
That's none of your concern.
You got to take care of the offspring.
What is going on here?
What? That's ridiculous.
I can't believe they fired you.
I just hope they're getting
the information they need.
Sex? Hang on there, Jerry.
Hey, you kids like Mad TV?
Well, here we are at the make-out point.
- Thanks. My name's Doug.
- I'm Meg.
Because not only to condoms fail
100% of the time,
Who wants to be pure?
Who wants to be... abstinent?
but, watch carefully.
If I move this down here,
the invading forces of the Tooth Fairy.
Ha! I knew it! I scared her off.
I guess it's not easy growing up
"populated entirely by dogs
who will eat it. "
Gosh, Meg, I really wish we could take
our relationship to the next level.
You know, Roy, I hope you play
squash better than you pass.
Ronald McDonald's autistic friend.
This is nonsense.
You can't force abstinence on kids.
Yeah, it's been on my crotch.
the same nonsense about premarital sex.
You're lying to yourself.
it's just tops.
Brian, I'll be right back.
I'm going to use the little girl's room.
I mean, that's what the supermodels do.
Just to check in, make sure everything's
going well with you and Brian.
Wh-What are you doing? What?
Peter, what are you doing to my ear?!
No, no, no! I'm abstinent!
But most of all, I'm really sorry
about your dirty,
Stewie, what the hell?
Get me down from here.
Look, I didn't want to burst your
bubble since you're just a kid, but,
Oh, very well then.
Aired 14 years ago - Nov 12, 2006
When Peter gets hurt and can't work, his boss tells him he needs to speed things up. So Lois goes to the brewery to help him out. Meanwhile, Stewie finds out that Brian is dating a very attractive but not very intelligent woman. He tries to get Brian to break up with her, but Brian can't do it.
Yeah, I know how these things go down.
The excuses for why we can't hang out,
the inside-out collar.
Whoa-ho-ho, all right.
We're getting a little faster here now.
In the hole in the bottom of the sea
In the bottom of the sea
Does she have an alibi?
O, my God, no.
The cow says "moo. "
Fine by me.
Besides, it sure beats the hell out
of last Saturday
- Who's Tim Daly?
- I don't even know who that is.
- Was this a cartoon?
- No, my, oh, my god, no!
I love Wings!
Now, why in the world would you be
embarrassed about dating her?
But a moron with large breasts
you can use as mountains
So, Stewie. Do you work with Brian
at the detective agency?
I just wish they didn't have to kill
so many lemons to make it.
Well, that's no time to have
or you're finished.
Boy, Lois, thanks so much for coming in
and helping me get my work done.
Finally, I have a reason to wear
this big bow tie and cigar
"By now, you may have guessed
I'm speaking ironically"
Oh, hey, Brian. Back from a hot booty
call with your idiot girlfriend?
For your information,
Jillian is very bright
Uh, a lot of things.
- We make each other laugh.
Uh, you gotta hit, uh, DVD and then menu
and then select.
Uh, so, yeah, um...
Smell my Speed Stick?
if this is how you behave at the office.
Now here's a fellow attempting
to ride a bicycle.
And then, think about this:
So tell us, Oogie,
where'd you find this one, huh?
Hey, you wanna know something cool?
Come on. Let's go out dancing.
Do you think we should support
what the president is doing?
So then the valet pulls up and I'm all,
What if you had a nickel
for every time that happened?
Okay, okay. Fine. Fine.
I'm gonna have to break it off.
Morning, Lois, I need you to
proof read this and collate it for me.
Aired 14 years ago - Nov 05, 2006
Chris is approached to join the military. Brian goes to the recruiting headquarters to voice his opinion, when Stewie signs himself and Brian up for the military. They pass Boot Camp and are shipped to Iraq, where they try to get honorably discharged by doing anything they can. Meanwhile, Chris decides to join a goth band.
I bet you Debra really gave it
to Ray today.
Don't worry, Lois,
all he needs is an after-school
That's not news.
It's just wrong for the military
to mess with kids' minds.
Well, Chris, there's a lot
of fun activities out there.
I like reading comic books
and dressing like a dude.
was at granting wishes.
Oh, God. All right, I better go put more
money in the meter.
Did I mention there's a hundred-dollar
bonus if you sign up a buddy?
And we won't come back
till it's over over there.
You are the sorriest bunch of rejects
I ever seen.
Dancer for money?!
Any old music will do?!
Evil monkey holds the key
You got five seconds
to get to the head of the pack,
- Oh, come on, Brian, get up!
- Time's up!
Private Griffin, just for that,
you have to listen to one track
Oh, no, not again.
- Stop breathing on the window.
- You idiot.
You can't leave, man. That's desertion.
You dropped out of college.
You still haven't finished your novel.
Not for me!
Hey, hey, Chris,
don't talk to your mother that way.
Is there something you'd like to say,
But as you know, as a unit,
you either all graduate,
- Fresh pepper?
- Yes, thank you.
Okay, back up.
I'm proud to call you soldiers.
Okay, I go in store, I throw backpack.
See you in a few minutes, big hero.
uh, 47, Victor, Charlie,
Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman!
You know, I think I may have an idea
what's causing this behavior, Peter.
"even though I occasionally associate
with some less than reputable characters. "
Look, you can totally see
his or her nipples.
Wow, look at how gay we are.
Here, you shoot me and I'll shoot you.
No, no, no, no, don't point that at me!
Hey, hi, um, I'm Private Stewie
Great news, everybody.
Good thing we distracted the guard
with that riddle.
Aired 14 years ago - Sep 24, 2006
After Peter uses Meg's money to buy himself a tank, she gets a job at the new Superstore in town. However, the Superstore puts all the shops in town out of business and sucks up the city's power supply. Brian and Stewie team up to save the town from the corporate giant.
Wait, wait, Quagmire, remember
what's on the other side.
I look forward to reminiscing
about this tomorrow.
Remember those sweet,
warm New England summers?
Meg, what happened?
Then would you mind explaining that?
but she gets a freakin' car
just like that?!
Excellent gas mileage,
air bags and AM/FM cassette.
but then you dangle this tank
in front of me
Three inches of reinforced steel
Did I mention the tank is a tank?
No, no, no, no, no, no...!
This half of the apartment is mine.
I'll do it, all right?!
Just get off my back!
Brian, did you turn off
the air conditioner?
Ha! you are earth's bitch!
You just ran over me, you bastard.
I can't believe you let Mr. Swanson
Tell the other bears what you just saw.
Giant mega-stores like Superstore USA
- Too hard.
Welcome to the
Superstore family, Meg.
Oh, Peter, Superstore USA has taken
all my business.
Well, maybe now, you guys are seeing
what I've been trying to explain to you.
I know where it is. It's in your butt.
Well, it-it's like if you were...
In other news, Quahog will be
experiencing rolling blackouts
That's a great idea, Brian.
Take that for stealing jobs
from hardworking people.
Well, fine, then I guess I got to go
in there and drag 'em out one by one.
My God, look at this wonderland
- Yeah. Love it.
- A lot.
Because, Brian, they have an
industrialsized air conditioner.
Oh, that's nice.
I have herpes.
Now, your first responsibility
is to fire that employee.
Aired 14 years ago - Sep 17, 2006
Peter's mom gets a divorce. Peter feels abandoned until he sees a father figure in his mom's new boyfriend, Tom Tucker. Meanwhile, Brian gets his own NPR style show on the radio.
in the morning, 97.1 FM.
That's what she said.
All weekend long.
Well, here's my card.
Dicky the Punchline Donkey, on Cool 97.1!
with Al Michaels,
Harold Ramis, Ray Romano,
Well, they're dead!
Get off me, you skank!
Nyah... this will surely affect
my inheritance... nyah.
Caller, you're on The Lunch Hour.
Can I take your order?
when you pooped that out
was the timer still in there?
Oh, my God.
"If you put that on the radio,
people will listen to it!"
In my view, as good as the Yankees
were in the first half of this game,
And-and there's a lot of great people here
Think of the spider in Charlotte's Web
who had to overcome Tourette's.
Oh, no, you see, if you're one
of ten million Americans like me...
Lois, you're too nosey.
Tom Tucker, I forbid you
to see my mother.
All right, look, let's get
one thing straight, Stewie.
Dingo and the Baby.
Uh, hello, yes, uh, this is, uh,
this is Tom Tucker's personal physician,
Ow... stop it!
I told you to stop!
my best to make her
even happier than those kids
Oh boy, do I!
Yeah, it does.
Hey, could I get your autograph?
All right, hold on,
we'll get you that one.
Some find it pleasant dining on pheasants
I mean, my own dad
was such a ballbuster,
What do we do now Bill?
I know it hurts right now, Peter,
but we'll get through this.
I already started writing the ticket.
That guy, that guy just got to me today.
Good morning, Quahog!
courtesy of Dr. John Viener?
the fact of the matter is,
when they fired Andrew Beckett
You, hey, you-you get back here,
right now, mister!
Okay, here we go.
Incest in the morning.
Aired 14 years ago - Sep 10, 2006
Stewie becomes obsessed with Lois, after she saves Rupert. Though Lois doesn't take to the new Stewie all too well. Meanwhile, Peter thinks his doctor is molesting him, when he undergoes a prostate exam.
Ugh. Get a tan.
Dr. Hartman violated me.
He took my innocence.
Are we still going to the baseball game?
I'm trying to be supportive
but after all, it was just a prostate exam.
Yeah, you want some of this,
Oh, dear God, somebody help!
W- We'll go away. W-We'll go to Hawaii.
Would you like that?
Cut green beans...
Mommy loves you, sweetheart.
he did things to my fanny.
I have something to say.
Oh, God, it was horrible!
I scrubbed and I scrubbed, but damn it,
I'm going to be really anal about this.
So warn the villagers,
here comes the cuddle monster.
You can't do that, all he did was
give you a prostate exam.
Well, whatever happens,
I'm not going to stand for this.
Oh, you are just so cute, sweetie.
Sit right there, honey. Mommy'll go get
Rupert so he can eat with you.
I was just making coffee.
I didn't hit on her.
Sorry, I fell asleep watching
Sabado Gigante last night.
Oh, can you imagine such a world?
But first in medical news, Dr. Elmer Hartman,
beloved family doctor to all of Quahog,
Peter, I don't know
how much more I can take.
And I suppose it wouldn't matter
if I told you for the 50th time
- This is ridiculous, that never happened.
- Sit down, you rapist!
He made me feel so dirty.
Okay, everybody, uh,
I know you were expecting something else,
Lois, what are you doing?
by holding him underwater.
I'm just like Barbara Bush!
You and I are going to see Eddie Money!
Enjoy it, lucky wife.
Yeah, what gives?
How are you liking
all these nautical puns?
- So can you help me out, Dr. McCoy?
- What, so you can sue me, too?
Dr. Hartman is my only hope,
and there's no way he's going to see me.
and the guys from Primus.