Aired 14 years ago - May 04, 2008
When Peter gets a pet parrot, he begins acting like a pirate. Peter accidentally kills the bird after raising hell through all of Quahog. Meanwhile, when Brian is visiting the vet, Chris falls in love with the intern, Anna.
Realize It Because She's So Busy With Business.
by my penis.
He heard me say that onthe way over in the car.
And a peg leg.And a hook hand.
Well, I guess, if Briangets sick again.
Fetch me five tankards of ale,
we shall tell talesof other times we had
Dear me, it's almost 3:00.
Oh no. Privateers.
Oh, God, this is my fault.
Give it to mestraight, Dr. Jewish.
stepped on him and kicked himinto a puddle of urine.
then move onto another wacky thing.
Hey, look, the deedto a cattle ranch.
I have loved workingwith animals.
You know, Anna,when I first saw you,
'cause that's whatI think happened, and...
Chris, what you alwayswant to remember is
You're a two-wheeledmonster!
I have tons and tonsof dogs to incinerate,
by Anna, a woman, that she, also a woman,
but I'm not home But I'll be back before too long
Yeah, everything's fine.
Hey, Chris!Guess what we just did!
That's whatyou meant to say.
You're notthe first person whose lifehe's screwed up.
My man Ronald,who did this?
You told Chris to actlike a jerk to this girl?
and you have to help him fix it.
Sorry I'm late.
what you might be getting him?
Chris, this is Barbara, the girl
Aired 14 years ago - Apr 27, 2008
Brian, afraid that he may have lost his last chance at love, searches for a former flame, Tracy. To his surprise, he discovers that he is the father to her son, Dylan. Tracy decides that Brian should raise the boy, and she drops him off at the
Griffin's house. When Dylan runs rough-shot in the house, Brian's attitude towards parenting doesn't settle too well with Lois and Peter.
Really, Brian?Card tricks?
In fact, you can use Peter's cape
from last year'sHaeen costume.
I'll let you inon a little secret.
Brian thanks so muchfor doing this.
If he had his life together,
I wouldn'tbe into it.
You know, Matthew, I-I may not
ever get otr an to say this,so I
Money that I made off thteib fmsat
I put out into the American
but they're just, like,
"Oh, we need agood-looking guy "
and I wish that you would get aheart attack.
Well, I suppose I could look her up.
Uh, yeah, it's me.
There's someoneI've wanted you to meet for a long time.
It smells likethere's a cat, buI t ersno cat.
I'm callg e li!
"P.S. Will you write mea letter of recommendation for the
Well, we can't justturn him away, Brian.
All istu ihe imi now.
He's terrorizingthe whole family.
I don't even like the good Monty Python sketches.
u' wrd Yeah, and you're attractive
Peter, we don't haveair conditioning
Hey, where isBrian anyway?
out the Cocoa Puffs bird.
and you don't care
that you're my son.
- How dare you?
- I didn't know!
It's gonna be different
from now on.
Oh, Dylan, you got a haircut.
Oh. We got a young Adam
Sandler here, I think.
hundreds of palettes of crudely
and everybody's favorite,
Oh, man, I tell you,
now that I'm a parent,
you do not understand. Okay?
Just be back by bedtime.
Lois, Lois, I do not want
Melt it down.
Make it into bread
What a joyous family reunion.
flesh and blood that
I have on this earth.
I'll always be grateful to you for
Aired 14 years ago - Mar 02, 2008
Peter and Lois's marriage hits a bit of a snag. When Brian wins the New England Rising Writer's award, the three of them head to Martha's Vineyard for a nice relaxing vacation. Peter's usual drinking habits take over, and he soon spirals out of
control, as does Brian's self restraint, as he soon professes his love for Lois. Peter and Brian test their friendship over the woman of their dreams.
Should we just ask her how old she is?
So, Meg, your birthday's coming up, huh?
- Not enough?
- You stupid son of a bitch!
Meg's gonna open her
presents in a little bit.
he notices a grasshopper on the ground.
Meg, your father worked very
hard to put this party together.
Well, then how about...
a dozen scarves?!
Are my long john stied
to the end of those?
The first season of
Sister, Sister on DVD?
I was thinking maybe
one of those old-timey...
In the meantime, I leave you with
the musical stylings of Chris Griffin.
but you do kind of drink a lot, and,
- What the fuck?!
- Hey, at least I'm not drinking, Brian.
"Dare card : Have her do a strip tease
- If I can't have it, nobody can!
- That is enough!
- to some of your deepest memories.
- Yeah, I'm getting something.
It was horrible, Rupert.
It was like a nightmare.
Oh, it was awful, Rupert.
I felt terrified and
I promise I will never lay
a hand on you again.
Who's my real father?
- We're going to miss you, Dad.
- Come back soon, Daddy. I love you.
Oh! Thank you!
- and I should be punished for it. Go!
- Well, I guess it's not that big a deal.
You really got to stop misbehaving.
You're getting on Mommy's nerves.
This is quite a country, Brian.
Ah, did ***** who say a word *****, hmm?
- You're my father.
- Oh, am I now?
Just ask me sheep, O'Brian.
Peter! You are a fat stinking drunk.
he'll have no choice but to respect me.
Get me a beer, Brian.
And what makes you think you can
hold your own with the *likes* of me?
You're the broth of me own
stubby shillelagh, all right.
You knocked up my mom and
never called her again.
Shaughnessy, Riordan and Rooney,
they'll tell you the same
Aired 14 years ago - Feb 17, 2008
James Woods returns to seek revenge against Peter. James Woods finds Peter's wallet, which he lost at Barry Manilow concert, and procedes to steal Peter's identity, and his family. Peter decides to ruin James' career and image.
The night goes into morning
Well, you came and you gavewithout taking
Not after what happenedto Foghorn Leghorn.
to the Hydrox Arena this Sunday, Sunday!
"I dropped itat the concert."
I got no money.
I'll rentit then.
Somebody's been usingyour credit card.
Whoever the thief is,he's spending less
than my wife.
Come on, boy,get the scent.
You stole my credit card,you son of a bitch.
And now you'regonna pay for it.
Peter, he's been herefor four hours.
Hey, not so fast, pal.
Just older Daves, huh?
This rope was a lot longer, andnow it's somehow gotten shorter.
I am a baby, after all.
he may very well betalking about himself.
Listen, you gottaget out of here.
I said my stomach hasbeen talking to me all day.
Yeah, but I love to eat.
Yeah, I think I couldgive her a... hand.
and we both happenedto be there.
A much better idea than whenI did magic for the blind.
I married Peter Griffin,you lunatic!
Uh, meat loaf, Pe...I mean, Scooter.
I guess he'sPeter Griffin now.
From this day forth,I am James Woods.
Johnny liked little boys.
As fast as Spider-Manwhen he gets laid.
he movie's called September 11, 2000-Fun.
And I go "Come on!"
Oh, no, sir.
because he'sdone this twice.
Aired 14 years ago - Jan 13, 2008
Peter decides to grow a mustache, and after being mistaken for a fireman, ends up lending a hand when a fire breaks out at a local fast food restaurant. The owner gives him unlimited burgers as a thank you, but he eats too many and has a stroke.
When Peter recovers, he vows to expose the fast-food company for what it really is, becoming friends with a genetically engineered cow along the way.
High school is sucha serious thing
These problems matter.
Absolutely.What are the stakes?
jean shirt and jean jacket.
Dad, all it's done i
n hat whee
, Expensive-Car-Drivinvin' HSchool
m a bi hit wthe thil
People wmustacheslook out for each other.
We need someone to manthe other hose!
Let Brian down.
What, you come over here to rape
No, no, no, no...no..
on the left half of my body.
The left half of his bodyis completely paralyzed.
Your father had a stroke
and it may take him along time to recover.
Yeah, I havemine ironically.
We're gonna havea real ragin' time.
Look at that low plane,fine then, uh-oh, overflow
Well, Stewie, you got
the best of meon this one.
Well, uh, I supposeif you imagine it
like a parking spacethat you think,
This is all your fault,McBurgertown.
Sweetheart, that's incredible.
those companies have
huge legal divisions.
Mr. Griffin, what did you expect?
Those people are bad and
I drank eight gallons
of water today.
I should sue her.
Wow. How much did all that cost?
See you in a half hour.
Except we spell the
"chau" part C-O-W,
This is the evidence
you've been looking for.
Another Pleasant Valley Sunday
Well, yes, I have a baby-
I behaved like a fool.
And I apologize.
I am who I am.
thanks to testimony regarding
and eat a salad instead.
Aired 14 years ago - Nov 25, 2007
After Quahog is hit by a flood, Meg winds up in the hospital in a coma. When she wakes up and sees a cute med student, they immediately hit it off. Overprotective of his daughter, Peter is determined to drive the med student away. That is until Meg reveals that she is pregnant.
'cause they have so much
fun cleaning the dishes.
- He say "Nice day,"
I hope I'm allowed to do this.
My mommy says, "Don't run with scissors."
Oh, this one's kind of nice.
Oh, that's... God, you look great,
I mean, you're all, you're all in shape.
Um, i-it's a fun show
if you haven't seen it.
- What happened?
- She shot me down, Brian.
Oh, I haven't given up yet, Brian.
- Hey, baby.
- Hi, Stewie.
You ever just let your balls
hang out, B-Ri?
Why the hell would she respond
positively to such a negative comment?
You see, I thought you were
Ray Liotta because your skin
Oh, Smilla, your sense of snow
is equaled only by your sense of love.
I was the original "Pretty Woman."
"What is that? What is that on my hand?"
Better go rassle up some
Chinese food, Hopalong Nussbaum.
Oh, look at this guy. Now,
there's someone who cuts his own hair.
Look at that sunset against the skyline.
Peter, I can't lose the wheelchair.
I need it to move.
Stewie, this is Victor. We did a
Flintstones vitamins commercial together.
guy picks his nose, then eats it.
Victor, would you excuse us for a second?
He happens to be a very intelligent,
- Uh, what's for dinner?
- Playdoh spaghetti.
Look, can we just drop this
and have a normal pretend dinner?
Sorry we're late, everyone, but JonBenet
here took forever with her makeup.
Wouldn't that be a shame, if they took
all my money out of both our wallets.
- for three hours waxing your eyebrows.
- You swore you would never...
That's what it all comes down to, isn't it?
I'm not grown up enough for you.
You wanna come over here
and quiet me down?
Oh! Is funny because open
heart surgery not easy at all.
But one day, Vageena went swimming
too soon after eating a sandwich...
- It's not your fault.
- Why is it so hard?
Aired 14 years ago - Nov 18, 2007
Peter starts an anti-immigration group, however, he quickly changes his mind when he finds out that he was born in Mexico. Unable to prove his citizenship, pass the naturalization test or convince investigators that his marriage to Lois is for real, he ends up working for Carter as a landscaper, all the while fighting for immigration rights.
'cause that makes it more likely
that one of those kids'll grow up
that condoms make sex less pleasurable.
I am not going to hear the end of this.
I am all done writing plays for the day,
I'm supposed to eat them.
Of course, it all adds up!
And sometimes, just for the hell of it,
But, Montana, when will you be back?
What? That's ridiculous.
Can't you go down the school
and try to reason with them?
All right, students,
we have a special speaker today
I was just passing through on my way
to see The Matrix.
Boy, I sure had fun
at the pizza parlor tonight, Debbie.
I mean, besides not running over
that yahoo from Jefferson High.
Jefferson High is our rival.
These rings are a symbol of
Now, I know this person looks
a little mixed up,
the invading forces of the Tooth Fairy.
Uh, you might want to check
under your pillow.
That-that cheesecake was for everyone.
If you want Brian to say :
"I'm not touching that one,"
We now return to Laguna Beach.
You see, Meg, you're what they call
a "practice girl."
Oh, there it is. I see it.
Ronald McDonald's autistic friend.
This is nonsense.
You can't force abstinence on kids.
Doug and I are part of the
Opal Ring Crusade,
oh, my God!
That's right, Tom. It appears that
students have taken to having ear sex
Brian, Brian, look, I'm Gary Busey.
But man, I'll tell ya, all that purging
just makes her body look fantastic.
Oh, well, you know, I just wanted
to touch base, see how everything's...
No, I'm saying Santa's thin.
Get in there and throw up!
Get off of me!
I'll be more convincing than Mel Gibson
when he apologized to the Jews.
Stewie, this is ridiculous.
There's something I have to tell you.
Oh, wait a second!
You see that guy with the overcoat?
You should wait until you're in love.
Maybe I'll use two condoms
at the same time.
Aired 14 years ago - Nov 11, 2007
Presumed dead, Lois returns from the wilderness and names Stewie as her killer. On the look out for Stewie, Joe leads a manhunt around Quahog. Determined to take over the world again, Stewie auditions for the American Idol. Desperate to stop Stewie, Lois realizes what she must do.
In the hole in the bottom of the sea
In the bottom of the sea
Okay, so we've established
she ain't got no alibi.
since I came up with that new place
to hide my porn.
but her breasts was immaculate.
Oh, that sucks, man, I'm wide awake.
Hey, Quagmire, you want to...
What we need out there now
is another Tim Daly.
No, no, it took place in an airport.
Th-Th-The thing was on for ten years.
Oh, don't worry, Brian.
If she's as ugly as I think she is,
Brian, she's stunning.
But a moron with large breasts
you can use as mountains
That's got to be a tough job.
Well, that's not my problem.
Without you, Angela would have been
all over my case.
Lois, take a letter.
For your information,
Jillian is very bright
the new seat covers
she just got for her Jetta.
Is it plugged in?
Uh, so, yeah, um...
You know, I've been noticing you
around the steno pool.
I think it would be so hot for you and
me to have sex in my office.
but so far you're a bigger buzzkill
than Buzz Killington.
Now here's a fellow attempting
to ride a bicycle.
- What are you doing here?
- Oh, hi, Brian.
Hey, you wanna know something cool?
I just really want to go dancing...
and, truthishly, we should just
Hey, come on.
We're-we're a legitimate couple, right?
No, nothing. It's just an expression.
Gloss rhymes with hair!
"Ably performed by the entire ensemble."
Because, Lois, I already wrote the letter
to "Penthouse Forum,"
Yeah, what'd I tell you, huh?
You are now all caught up with your work.
never again will you have to listen
to her talk like this?
just wanted to spend some time with you.
Aired 14 years ago - Nov 04, 2007
Lois and Peter sail off on a cruise. Jealous that he was left behind, Stewie's matricidal tendencies are rekindled. When Brian challenges him to actually do it, Stewie carries out his diabolical plan.
Peter, she knows she untied her bikini.
Women don't forget those things.
but I'm afraid I'm gonna have to bar you
- Boy, this is romantic, isn't it, Lois?
- Oh, it sure is, sweetie.
- And then what are you gonna do?
- Let's see...
- Then I shall do that as well.
- And call her a bitch.
Are you... You're getting some kind
of sick, sexual thrill off this, aren't you?
Rupert, I've been all talk.
So much time wasted.
Growing all the time
And sometimes, I put my speakers
facing out my window
And that was the first time
I saw the northern lights at their peak.
- Hang on, hang on, Lois. Don't ruin it.
"You want to get an abortion with
the abortionist having a stump hand?"
Okay, explain to me
exactly what I did wrong.
Pleasuring a man with a socked foot,
one time, does not make a person gay.
With all the indignities I've been forced
to suffer day in and day out
And finally, still no word
on the disappearance of Lois Griffin,
Listen to my voice. That sounds cool.
It's been six days, Peter.
I'm sorry, but we had to call off the search.
Harrison Ford Telling Random People
He Wants His Family Back.
So, I'm a Leo and your ad said
that you're a Cancer?
- That... That sounds...
- Yes, it is very unpleasant.
Just remember, whatever you do,
don't tell Chris I'm dating.
All right, sweetie,
you ready to get some new notebooks,
Which is just what someone
who pulled off the perfect murder
- I'll just poop and fall asleep.
- My God, you did it. You actually did it.
Either of you guys think
it's a little suspicious
What else is in the news? Oh, oh, oh,
Bernie Goetz, you hear about this?
Hey, Stewie, I found this receipt for
a speedboat rental upstairs in your room.
Man, I haven't dug through these cans
since Lois died.
There's no doubt anymore.
Peter murdered his wife.
So let's have another cup o' coffee
And let's have another piece o'pie!
Don't make us go good cop,
developmentally disabled cop on you.
We can put you at the scene
Take a couple out of the bin
we can't find matches for.
Look, don't you kids buy any of this
for a second. Your father is innocent.
This trial is called to order.
Yes, and as a favor to the court,
No, no, no. When you see the enemy
come over the horizon,
Aired 14 years ago - Oct 07, 2007
When Joe feels that his disability is holding Bonnie back from living a full life, he decides to get a leg transplant. Excited about his new ability to walk, Joe engages in extreme sports, and soon ditches his current friends, for more active ones. Peter and the guys are upset at how Joe is acting and decide to teach him a lesson.
Hang on, hang on.
- That's not bad.
- Better than mine.
and, uh, I poked my head in the window
Yeah, you'd better put on
the old wool cap.
'cause it's usually spelled with an "f."
All right, one more pre-party drink,
and then we'll head off to the Clam.
We should march in there
and remind them that they have wives.
All right, so I'm skulking around
the intensive care unit,
Yeah, this is sort of lame.
Sometimes I feel more useless
than the head of the Maid's Union.
Oh, hi, Lois.
She deserves so much better than me.
Look, if it's a financial issue,
I want to walk again.
I'll do what ever it takes.
You know, Peter says we sound alike.
we'll select the legs most suited to your
body from our inventory of donors.
Ah, Joe. You are gonna be happier than
bullfrogs on vacation in Ethiopia.
Now, I'll just pop in the how-to video,
Gentlemen, I give you...
the new Joe Swanson.
Oh, great. We'll take them home,
we'll give them to Brian.
And you guys are my best friends.
I want you to experience it all with me.
- Peter, this doesn't seem safe.
- Yeah, I'm afraid I might...
- I don't know about this, Joe.
- There is no fear in this dojo!
All right, we're gonna do it once more.
When the band began to play
The stars were shining bright
Oh, I'm sorry.
I thought we were still going.
a drum of grape jam?
Okay, you stay right here, big
funny gal. I'll be right back with...
I'm taking my new friends.
This is Parker, Quentin and Portland.
I decided it's time I got some friends
more suited to my status.
How is it anything like a monkey
having the keys to an amusement park?
Well, Peter, there have been
a lot of changes in Joe's life,
- Shut up!
- No, you shut up!
Think I'll go for a walk outside now
The summer sun's calling my name...
Do any of you know the tale
of how corn meal came to be
There's nothing to talk about.
I've out grown you, Bonnie.
Boys, there's only one answer.
Bonnie, I forgot my Soloflex.
Aired 14 years ago - Sep 30, 2007
Peter convinces Brian to move in with his girlfriend Jillian and Stewie tags along to help pay the rent but he tries to interfere with their relationship. Meanwhile Meg and Chris get jobs at the convenience store where Chris befriends the manager Carl who leaves Meg to do all the work. Carl soon fires her and promotes Chris to the co-boss.
- Here? Yeah, sure!
- Great. You start tomorrow.
I'm more unattractive
to put in a lead role.
Plus, it's given me a chance
to work on my novel.
who's a pilot, that's been taken captive
by a militant Islamic country.
That's one of the sequels!
Well, I don't know what you mean by
that, but how about that Cameron, huh?
I really wish he would.
and she is smart as the day is wide.
Oh, I was just on my way back
from the cobbler.
And that's the worst part.
I can't afford the rent.
Piss off, you perverted old freak!
Chris, I need you to stack the boxes
in the back for me.
It's pretty hot.
the direction was excellent but
I was very disappointed that she, um...
So, like, you see a hotgirl,
Brian, there's no more graham crackers!
Oh, Brian, we need paper towels!
No, you can't...
Like, she's gettable, you know,
like, like, Elizabeth Shue.
Like totally naked in, um,
Leaving Las Vegas.
He's a failed writer
who just decides that,
- Uh, yeah, yeah.
- She was in that.
Brian, are you guys up?
Yes, Brian, if you're mean to me,
I'll stop paying the rent.
You didn't want to move in with me?
And then he got Parkinson's.
"that all men are created equal."
The only job I could find was for
a phone sex line, and I sucked at it.
Oh, shut up, you bastard!
She got a worse deal than that
no-armed baseball player, Bucky LaGrange.
as clearly the fans' sympathy
for this scrappy, little no-armed man
does this team stick with
an arm-less second baseman?
What is all this? What's going on?
What food can't make up its mind?
No, Chris, she's a pain in the ass.
I-I don't want her back in here.
Jack Noseworthy's eyes explode?
You let the fat man talk you
into moving out.
Go get her, Brian.
What are you doing here?
Aired 14 years ago - Sep 23, 2007
Peter retells the story of Star Wars in this hour-long episode of Family Guy. When Princess Leia is captured by the evil Darth Vader the droids C-3PO and R2-D2 escape to the planet Tatooine to find help from the Rebel Alliance. There they encounter
Luke Skywalker, Han Solo, Chewbacca and Obi-Wan Kenobi who infiltrate the Death Star then rescue the captive princess from the Death Star and return to aid the Rebellion in its fight against the Galactic Empire.