Aired 13 years ago - May 14, 2006
When burglars break into the house, the Griffins take cover in the attic where they discover Peter has built a 'panic room'. They go in it, and Peter tells them about his history. They send Meg for food but the burglars catch her. The rest of the
Griffins stay behind and Peter accidentally floods the room and they're going to drown. Luckily Joe gets them out and we find out Meg has been accused of sexual harassment by the burglars.
Aired 13 years ago - May 07, 2006
Peter wants to top Joe, who just built a new home theater system, so he starts to build a multiplex in his backyard. In doing so, he discovers an Indian burial ground. He finds an Indian chief's skull and the Griffin house becomes haunted. Stewie
gets sucked into the television and strange events follow as they try to get Stewie back from the poltergeist.
Aired 13 years ago - Apr 30, 2006
Brian's gay cousin Jasper visits the Griffin house and announces that he is engaged to his partner and wants to be married at their house. When Mayor West bans gay marriage in an effort to cover up and bring attention away from a scandal of his
own, Brian resorts to hostile actions to try to change the Mayor's mind. Lois and Peter question their view towards gay marriage while Chris joins the "Young Republicans" Club to impress a girl.
Aired 13 years ago - Apr 23, 2006
After reading an erotic novel, Peter gets the idea to write one himself. Carter gets sued for publishing Peter's book on tape and loses all his money, where he is forced to become a middle-class citizen. Meanwhile, Stewie tries to train for the Olympics.
Aired 13 years ago - Apr 09, 2006
Meg becomes an intern for Mayor West. Brian, who is sure that the mayor is corrupt, tries to out him. Brian and Stewie, while undercover, discover that Meg is more than just an intern. Meanwhile, Peter and Lois go back to their folk singing days at a local talent show. When they begin using drugs, Chris stages an intervention.
Aired 13 years ago - Mar 26, 2006
Peter gets a vasectomy and loses all his sex drive. Lois begins to gain weight, and as a result, Peter's regains his interest in his wife. When Lois' habits get out of control, she has a heart attack. The surgeon must remove Lois' fat to reach her
heart, returning her to her normal weight. Meanwhile, Stewie's half-brother Bertram returns to confront him, where they have a war for control over the playground.
Aired 13 years ago - Mar 12, 2006
When Peter wins a maid for a week as a prize on a game show, Quagmire gains an interest in her, and they eventually marry. Quagmire, stricken with his bachelor ways, tries to get out of the marriage. Meanwhile, Lois stops breast-feeding Stewie, who, as a result, goes through withdrawals.
Aired 13 years ago - Jan 29, 2006
At his high school reunion, Peter tries to impress his fellow classmates. When Peter, heading for the bathroom, charges through the crowd of people, impresses quarterback Tom Brady, who offers Peter a spot on the New England Patriots. Meanwhile, Brian owes Stewie money, after Stewie becomes a sports bookie.
Aired 13 years ago - Jan 08, 2006
After Brian has a near-death experience in the hospital, he decides to lead a new life. He ends up getting a nightly singing gig with Frank Sinatra Jr., but his new lifestyle doesn't last very long. Meanwhile, Meg, after joining a new after-school group, pretends to be a lesbian.
Aired 13 years ago - Dec 18, 2005
When Peter’s dad comes to visit, he tries to impose his religious beliefs on the family. But after a mix-up with the holy-water leaves Stewie in a bubble, Peter decides to form a church worshiping his hero, the Fonz.
Aired 13 years ago - Nov 27, 2005
Lois discovers she has a brother named Patrick and takes the family cross-country to meet him. It turns out; he’s locked up in a mental institution. Lois thinks he’s sane, so she checks him out to live with the Griffins. Meanwhile, Peter starts
the Society for the Acceptance of Fat Men. But when all the fat men of Quahog are strangled one-by-one the group lives in fear. Who could the “Fat Man Strangler” be?
Aired 13 years ago - Nov 20, 2005
Lois thinks Stewie is trying to kill her due to his lack of quality time with his father, so she orders Peter to spend more time with Stewie. Meanwhile Chris starts a friendship with Herbert.
Aired 13 years ago - Nov 13, 2005
After writing a story for a local magazine, Brian gets a job at The New Yorker.
Aired 13 years ago - Nov 06, 2005
After a “wardrobe malfunction” occurs during a live broadcast, the FCC begins to censor all of Peter’s favorite shows. As a result, Peter creates his own station, PTV, which broadcasts from the Griffin home. Peter and Brian create their own edgy programming until the FCC shows up to shut down PTV and censor all controversial material in Quahog.
Aired 13 years ago - Sep 25, 2005
When Chris is supposed to be hazed for a school tradition, he runs off to South America; Peter quickly becomes frustrated by his new job at the beer factory.
Aired 13 years ago - Sep 18, 2005
When Peter and the guys decide to go fishing, they end up caught in a storm. Stranded on a desert island, their families fear the worst. Rescued by a cruise ship months later, Peter surprises Lois at home, where he finds out that she has a new husband.
Aired 13 years ago - Sep 11, 2005
Peter and Brian’s friendship becomes strained after Brian begins dating one of Meg’s high school teachers. Peter finds a replacement friend in James Woods, who is visiting Quahog because of a suggestion to rename James Woods High after Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.
Aired 13 years ago - Jul 24, 2005
Lois fulfills a lifelong dream of being a model. Stewie starts on a multi-level marketing company. Brian in need of cash to buy his de-worming medication agrees to become his salesman.
Aired 13 years ago - Jul 17, 2005
Lois’ kleptomania lands her in jail, leaving the Griffin household in a worse state of disarray than usual. Peter and the family break her out and end up fugitives in Asian Town.
Aired 13 years ago - Jul 10, 2005
Peter runs up his tab at Mort’s Pharmacy. When he doesn’t have the money to pay, he decides to sell Meg to the Goldmans. Neil is dating another girl which makes Meg jealous, and Stewie falls in love with Liddane, his new babysitter. Also the one where they all get sick.
Aired 13 years ago - Jun 26, 2005
"The Bachelorette" comes to Quahog and Brian is chosen to be a contestant. Brian does not like the show, but participates just to have a vacation only to wind up falling in love with the bachelorette. Meanwhile, Chris gets a nasty pimple on his cheek, which talks to Chris and likes to cause mischief.
Aired 14 years ago - Jun 19, 2005
After winning a game of Trivial Pursuit, Peter is convinced he is a genius. To prove Peter wrong, Brian suggests he take a test of the MacArthur Genius Grant. The test results say that Peter is technically mentally challenged. Peter has no
problem abusing this handicap until Lois is injured and the kids are taken away because Peter is not mentally fit for parenting.
Aired 14 years ago - Jun 12, 2005
When Peter hears Loretta scream, he tries to help out, but discovers Loretta is cheating on Cleveland. Peter figures out that it was Quagmire and decides to tell Cleveland about it. But when Loretta walks out on Cleveland he doesn't take it lightly. Peter also takes to the skies in the Hindenpeter and the Petercopter.
Aired 14 years ago - Jun 05, 2005
When Meg gets turned down for a date, she asks her family for support. Lois ends up taking her to the mall, where she gets the ultimate makeover. Meanwhile, Peter tries to start a band with the guys, but when their first gig fails, the family ends
up performing. Impressed by Meg's singing, a record producer signs the family, and their travels eventually land them on "Saturday Night Live."
Reinvent The Clam's image
and we'll help you.
You know, it's awfully dangerous for me to
be walking around the mall at my height.
- That seems pretty hip.
- I don't know if that's really me, Mom.
- You just let me know if you need any-
- How do these jeans look?
I am so outrageous. Give me the cash.
Coming up next, Joan Rivers speaks
to us from beyond the grave.
by our makeover magicians
into someone of value to society.
Especially that Coyote Ugly theme.
Hey, Horace, what the hell's this?
- I'd never even heard the word "rubber"...
- Peter, this is Meg.
Welcome to the family, sweetheart.
Chris, go burn all Meg's old pictures.
I don't understand it.
This place should be jumping.
She took the midnight train
He took the midnight train
Some will lose
Who's with me?
I'm ants at a picnic? all right.
Just making sure.
Fellas, it doesn't matter what you wear...
Oh, my. Hi, Gene.
I didn't know you were here.
Gosh, I'd love to.
Here we are, fellas. Our first major gig.
Yeah, there was a pretty positive review
carved in Tony's ass.
- Hello, Cleveland!
- Hello, Peter.
I know what I'm doing.
I'm getting out of here.
Oh, my God.
God, I could strangle her all night long.
Windy nights and sad sights
Won't go away
The time is right
It's day, not night
- What're you doing in prison?
- I stomped a cat to death.
Oh, crap. Today's the seventeenth.
- How was that, Dr. Ditty?
- Yo, that sounds smooth, y'all.
- We cooI? We good?
- Yeah, we're cooI. Fine.
I got three choices for you
for the name of the band:
We got to get her half-naked
and put her out front, center stage.
I'm not sure I'm comfortable with Meg
being exploited that way.
Stewie and I have been working
on some stuff of our own.
- I'll talk to you later.
- Well, what did he say?
Intercourse with you
- I said more Skittles.
- all right. That is it, Meg.
- Right, Missus Wong?
- Yeah, she band. Old lady jealous.
This is even more fun than
when I performed at the White House.
and PhiI Hartman, and Chris Farley,
and Horatio Sanz? Sweet!
Peter, I'm worried about Meg.
She's spirallng out of controI.
Aired 14 years ago - May 15, 2005
After Mort bowls a perfect game, and Quagmire gets a key to the city by performing CPR, Peter notices he has nothing to be proud of. He then attempts to achieve fame by setting the world's record for most nickels swallowed. However, a slight miscalculation leaves him blind with nickel poisoning.
you'd like the insurance policy
to be paid to your wife?
Well, clearly he thinks you're attractive,
Lois. It's a positive thing.
First of all, Bonnie, you've been pregnant
for six years, all right?
That's all. Come on.
Give him another chance, eh?
I don't know, Peter.
I'm not sure I can do this.
- all right.
- You did good. Good.
We don't want to get our sweaters all wet.
Better take them off.
- Where am I? Am I dead?
You're always getting medals
for catching crooks.
I'm the only one here
who's got nothing, you know?
Well, things are gonna change.
Oh, God! Sorry, sorry. Hey, Joan Cusack.
You know, I vaguely recall
seeing footage somewhere...
we attack the Rice Krispie guys at dawn,
assuming Judd Hirsch delivers the goods.
See what a nicer place this is
when we all pitch in?
Those freaking elves, man.
They just came out of the trees, man.
Who am I kidding? I'm never gonna
be remembered for anything.
He was attacked by a pack of wild dogs
he thought he saw.
I am gonna eat more nickels
than anyone has ever eaten before.
Oh, my God, Lois. I can't see.
Can you please just tell us
what's wrong with my husband?
they got a Happy Days spoof in here...
But you know what? I went for it.
Now feeI my warm breath
on the nape of your neck.
You do all your homework?
Finish all your subjects?
- Peter, what the hell is that?
- This is my Seeing Eye dog, Brutus.
But I don't know.
So we are officially running low
on Mr. Pibb and Cheez-Its.
Peter, this is something
you're still adjusting to.
I was kind of thinking I'd try
an au natureI thing.
- Yeah, magic fingers.
Aired 14 years ago - May 08, 2005
Brian becomes a substitute teacher at Chris' school after his teacher wins the lottery. When Brian is moved to teach a class of troubled kids, Chris falls in love with his new teacher, Mrs. Lockhart, who promises to love Chris only if he kills her husband. When Lois finds out, she and Stewie decide to teach Chris a lesson.
6, 21, 18, 7, 42.
Brian, why don't you teach Chris's class?
Or how to leave a dead bird on the carpet?
Please. Call me Brian.
Mr. Griffin is my father.
Good Will Hunting by Matt Damon.
Oh, yeah? Okay, write a line.
Just right now.
If dogs aren't supposed to eat
dentaI floss out of the garbage...
Mark Twain here, filling in for Brian Griffin.
That's exactly right.
Just like the presidency of James Garfield.
this is PrincipaI Sloan.
Little lower. Lower.
I'm not gonna call the hospitaI
because you won't learn anything if I do.
Two D's and an F.
Hi. I'm Mr. Griffin.
But you can call me Brian.
My name's Tim. I'm 28 years young.
Can I have this one?
My mom keeps giving mine away.
It's... What is this?
You want kids? Oh, yikes.
So, basically, what Orwell was saying
was, "It's not perfect but I'll take it. "
Chris, you can't be so impulsive.
So, Chris, what's the latest with
your little girlfriend?
Lois, this is not my Batman glass.
How's it coming, dog?
I feeI like I may be the only one
who can help them.
a whole new approach. Thanks.
"Yo, Romeo. Check out
that biotch Juliet in the window. "
It's good to meet you, Mr. and Mrs. Griffin.
so you could spare his feelings
and let him down gently.
'Cause I couldn't stand to be away
from you for another moment.
Make a flip book of a stick figure
whose head gets bigger and bigger...
Do you have any idea what time it is?
Chris, you big beautifuI man,
I'm so glad you came.
Fine. I'll do it myself. But we're through.
It looks like a Jackson Pollock painting.
Don't put that in with my things!
We got to stop him!
Oh, my God! There's a bear in my oatmeaI.
Yeah, I know. I'm late.
Okay, let's just get started.
That's an ampersand.
It's a symboI for the word "and. "
I could be a hooker?
Well, if it works for you, I guess...
Jack, twins! Swedish. My place. Now.
Dead body, right. That's what that is.
all right, wait here, Stewie,
while Mommy gets the cement blocks.
- What happened to your shirt?
- You know, just a pizza party at the office.
Yeah, that's always been Arnie's problem.
Well, take it easy.
Aired 14 years ago - May 01, 2005
Peter and Lois decide to go on a second honeymoon. But when Peter crashes the car, he decides to pose as Mel Gibson to stay in his fancy hotel suite, where they find a copy of a "The Passion of the Christ" sequel. They attempt to destroy the film and end up being chased by two priests who went to retrieve the film.
I mean, I don't really know that much
about any kinky stuff.
I mean, our honeymoon.
So much rug burn!
I'll take good care of them, lois.
You guys have a good time.
- I said, I'm not going to change you.
- You can't be serious.
What good is mining nose gold
if I can't share it with the townspeople?
Gross. Hey, why don't you
go back to sleep?
He's gonna do it! He's so ridiculous.
Oh, my God! You got to pay attention
to the road. We could have been killed!
Their vision is based on movement.
That show only furthers the stereotype
that George lopez is funny.
You two better settle down.
look, you kids are obviously in need
of some type of activity.
"Mananananana-" Hang on.
Or is he? let's read on.
Besides, I know how to deaI with
children, unlike Mr. Geppetto.
Are you sure you took it? Because
I'd believe you if you said you didn't.
look, Peter, this second honeymoon
was a nice thought...
of Manhattan's newest luxury hotel,
Such as Christianity enthusiast
Mel Gibson, who has his own room...
lois, quick question.
Do we have any TylenoI?
You don't want to hurt yourself dancing.
- Now we know.
- And knowing is half the battle.
- from the English.
- Holy mackereI!
Come on. That sucks!
I got hit by a baseball!
You don't find me attractive anymore.
I don't think so.
where I'm only attracted
to handsome men.
And it's healthy for us, too.
Oh, God! It's starting already!
That's what my ex-wife said,
Passion of the Christ 2:
To save the world
another two hours of torture.
There he goes now.
- How many times have I done this before?
- All right, but be careful.
Shut up! I am always so polite.
- Go to hell, Tom.
- Already there, hon.
- This is what Benji would do.
- Stop doing that in my carpet!
- Oh, my God! That's a great idea.
- Yeah, thought you'd like that.
Well, that may be.
But what we're all forgetting is...
Don't take this personally, Mrs. Griffin.
I'm doing this because I have to.
Where's the fllm?