Aired 8 years ago - May 22, 2016
Brian falls in love with a tech support worker in India, so he and Stewie travel there to find her. Meanwhile, Joe invites Peter to his bingo night, but when Peter becomes the new center of attention, Lois helps Joe reclaim the group.
Look, (sighs) uh,
I have to come clean.
Get out of here. Lois
said you're supposed
People in love can
overcome anything.
That's got to be
a happy farm, right?
Oh, and fair warning,
when they call O-69,
♪ ♪
Bingo!
(sighs) Okay, looks
like this is gonna be
Okay, I should go.
Stewie, I'm going to India.
where can we get
a taxicab around here?
This is wonderful,
isn't it, Brian?
it's called "bing-go!"
What the hell are
you talking about?
so we got to hurry
and catch the train.
And why did Wes Anderson come
here to make his worst movie?
Okay, I'm off to bingo.
I think he resents my skill.
The first thing you're
gonna notice is a bar graph.
(horn honking)
(indistinct chatter)
And you know,
we'll see.
How can I help you?
Padma!
I do.
Yes, let's go get
sandwiches
atonal woman over the bongos
and tambourines.
what it looks
like on Homeland
it is my honor to welcome you
to this engagement celebration.
Where's the bar?
His name is Brian Griffin.
I have already paid a large
dowry to Dhiraj's family!
and-and I'd do anything
to be with you.
Does Colonel Chutney's
make you sick?
I appreciate that,
Lois.
and give Joe back
the happiness he found here.
Kids, get in here!
but I fell in love
with the place.
Wait a minute!
Brian Griffin!
Um, O...?
Wha...?
Unless Jiminy's
based on a real person.
Aired 8 years ago - May 15, 2016
To everyone’s surprise, Chris wins homecoming king. However, Meg finds out that the cool kids plan to prank him during the homecoming ceremony, so they go to the school to investigate. Meanwhile, Cleveland starts hanging out with Jerome, the bartender. So Peter and the guys try to replace him.
Luckily, "Chris Griffin"
rhymes with "homecoming king,"
Oh, my Hot Pocket!
and look at that mural
of black achievement.
We're facing a biochemical
attack of untold proportions.
Yeah... yeah.
during his meltdown.
to thank you for
subsidizing their lunches.
I already called
and quit my job.
Pork chops
and French onion soup.
The only reason they
elected him king
a prank on Chris,
do you?
Ah, stop. It's too scary.
Well, I guess that means
these aren't real!
Original ideas
are preferred, but sure.
All right, first,
let's take your blood pressure,
Guys, do we want
Cleveland back or don't...
I'm trying.
Peter's cheating.
Bo... might...
go... all... the...
Pretty much anyone
but Veris.
Damn it!
A zig. A zag.
A touchdown!
Yeah, I think it's
time we addressed
Like the audience at a
Decemberists concert.
and see if they know anything
about a prank on Chris.
I'm earning their trust.
I said, go wait
in the car.
Well, we realized you like
hanging out with Jerome
I hang out with Jerome because,
unlike some people,
for a very special boy.
Oh.
Kind of like we did
with George W. Bush.
Do you think he knows?
and natural
turn of events?
I know, he's acting like
an arrogant jerk.
because we're both black.
I manipulated the
cheeseburger what like this.
I say we spend it all on blimps,
Just plug it in
and close it.
They only picked you
because they felt sorry for you.
Tonight, when they put
that crown on my head,
that threw me out
of the bathroom earlier.
Good evening, subjects.
Aw.
Aired 8 years ago - May 08, 2016
Peter gets lost in the mall overnight after his family abandons him. Meanwhile, Brian pretends to be a millionaire to win over a girl.
Aired 8 years ago - Apr 17, 2016
To pay for Stewie’s private school, Lois becomes a postal worker. She finds a letter from Peter that was never sent to his old fling, Gretchen, dated a week before their marriage. When Gretchen tries to come between Lois and Peter, Lois has a plan of her own.
Like Judd Hirsch at
the gigantic sweater store.
at least 200 million men
in this country will be
and drive in the car pool
lane with it and then
to impress and
excite truckers?"
Oh, no, it's that
Amazon drone.
We got to special-order
Cleveland Jr.'s pants
This is my bedroom.
I've seen some
terrible things.
I'm gonna kill a wrestler--
And so I say to you, America,
we are going to win this war,
You're welcome, gentlemen.
This is a letter
to Hollywood,
It's the dead letter bin.
You know, you do
the uniform proud,
Who the hell is Gretchen Mercer?
I'm 6,004th in line
for the presidency?
to punctuate uncomfortable
family revelations.
Besides, this place
isn't so bad.
an Eyes Wide Shut
party all weekend.
believe it or not,
about getting married
and that he finally had enough
Even Achilles.
What a dick.
You could invite
the whole class.
to get his driver's license.
Hey, it's Stewie.
I haven't seen
you in 20 years!
Gretchen,
I am already happily--
Well, she's a lucky woman,
'cause this is kind of
what it's for.
Let me go home
with one last good memory,
Oh, Peter!
I mean it's not like
anybody I know would be
in coming in second, huh?
That's my Peter.
Over in the guest bedroom
As your rich host, I would
like to say a word if I may.
I'm not wealthy
like you are.
Excuse me, is one
of you Chadley?
Hey, Lois, you mind if
I cut out of here?
I thought I heard something
over the roar of my tinnitus.
"We'll be together soon.
Aired 8 years ago - Mar 13, 2016
Meg begins working at a retirement community and starts stealing from the residents. Then Chris finds out and wants in on the heist. When the residents catch them, they blackmail them and force the thieves to listen to all of their boring stories.
I did... I didn't...
I didn't mean...
I'm a bigger scumbag than Spock.
Uh, before I start,
are these the normal kids
have the better jobs.
Brian, what are you
doing up so late?
I'm great at
keeping secrets.
so I'll have to
make the noise.
Notting Hill.
Hey, Brian,
can you bring me up a snack?
(sighs) Yeah, I guess
you're right.
Okay, here we go,
uh, uh, crippled guy...
The other night at your party,
Brian kissed Bonnie.
It was a crazy party.
Not supposed to say
you know me.
that was poking
through your slipper.
(gasps) Ooh, I should text this
to my best friend.
I, uh, feel that things
have been awkward between us,
Are these forever?!
Stuff I stole from
the old folks' home.
I want in.
and be quick or we'll
be in bigger trouble
♪ When your day is long ♪
Joe has been making
my life hell.
and we're here for you.
and you're right,
this is Brian.
but I think we're
losing sight of the point
Bonnie and Brian
are terrible people.
No one ever takes the time
to ask how I feel.
Wow, we are zero for two
on interventions today.
We don't need those
narrow-minded losers.
I think I hear it.
Hey, Bonnie, what's a
five-letter word for marriage?
(blowing nose loudly)
Yeah, you've been
putting your pipe out
See you tomorrow.
and she took little
Susie with her.
and I'd have to dance.
I hope Brian and Bonnie
are as happy as us.
of making and selling
your own jewelry.
You tweet things that
aren't worth tweeting.
you don't even know
about your own body.
Let's get this over with.
Aired 8 years ago - Mar 06, 2016
When Stewie refuses to sleep in his own bed because of nightmares, Peter can’t stand it, so he goes to sleep in the attic. Peter turns the attic into a man cave and all of the guys begin hanging out there, which makes Lois incredibly angry.
Meanwhile, Brian helps Stewie overcome his fears by building a device to go into his nightmares and defeat his demons.
MORE
-LESS
Like, how does that candle
in Beauty and the Beast
Couchella is this weekend.
240? Nice.
I had a weird dream.
A frightening dream.
Oh, no, Brian. I am not living
through that horror again.
Yeah, right, it's 2:00 a.m.
You're not here for vegetables.
Peter, where are you?
So I dragged up some stuff and
turned it into a sweet hangout.
Now I'm busy, so close the floor
and get out of here.
Catch Gilmore Girls
on Channel 367.
another nightmare
about that horrible monster.
It's like a little
steak. Mmm, mmm.
Yup, that's what
it takes now.
We're completely surrounded.
We need reinforcements.
Cool. But before that, who's up
for another insulation fight?
Oh, forget it,
I'll do it myself.
All right, Stewie,
time to tackle your fears.
Huh. Well, that
can't be possible.
Are you guys playing lawn darts
in the attic again?
You told me this was
a paratrooper's harness.
Well, that's what I said,
but then he did it,
Guys, spin me back.
I didn't see what happened.
I think he's saying
"a-roodly-toot-toot".
And then this thing
will actually allow me
All right,
let's get to it.
He heard it once in the car.
A, lie down,
people always assume
I'm very serious in real life.
I say, what
brings you here?
Yeah, a lot of my dreams
have pretty good salad.
Adult stuff,
adult stuff, adult stuff.
but one of my legs is a snake
that's very hungry for mice.
Why am I the source
of your fears?
Aired 8 years ago - Feb 21, 2016
Mayor West raises the drinking age to 50. Because of dog years, Brian is the only one old enough to buy alcohol, so Peter makes him buy all of his booze.
You'll never know.
Ew. Here's $50,
go change your underwear.
So, uh, I guess this means
Peter, you're our Joe now,
you could do for ten bucks.
and you're gonna drink as
much water from it as you can.
Coming up:
female high school teacher
Peter, is there something
you want to tell me?
I'm here tonight
with the deputy mayor.
I hereby raise the town's
legal drinking age to 50.
Tricia?
I think we just have to trust
our elected officials...
And I got to say,
it was kind of uncool
Hey, buddy.
It's okay, I work here.
We are gonna
get so wasted!
Peter's lying.
Have you seen
some of these laws
isn't as easy as Obama's
daughters make it look.
No, no, I had
a question for you.
Peter, I think
you're missing the point.
I can't do it
with you watching.
♪ That funky monkey ♪
♪ Ad-Rock gets nice
with Charlie Chan ♪
Hey, hey, Brian, Brian.
That's messed up, man.
I want you to be
Meg's godfather.
Yeah, I was, I was just hanging
out with my main man, Peter.
PETER: Aw, shoot, I puked
in the clean dishes side.
Come on, baby, show
me what you got.
"To drink"?!
(grunts)
I know Lois gets
mad about it,
Uh, some butthorn's
shining a flashlight on me.
Hey, is this the park
where Boner died?
Next!
(sighs)
Well, this sucks.
Yeah, I haven't
been drunk in a day.
left in this open container
I've been driving around with.
Ugh, this seems like a weird
place to even use a condom.
acting like you're
such a victim.
is what I miss most
about having elbows.
Come on, I know it seems hard,
but we can't just give up.
I was about to say that,
because I invented it!
Okay, Peter, I know how
we can get the law changed.
Oh, a Western princess!
Aired 8 years ago - Feb 14, 2016
Peter overloads his phone with apps. He buys a new phone with more memory, gives his old phone to Chris, and hilarity ensues. Stewie joins a tennis club and invites Brian to be his tennis partner.
Peter, your phone's
streaming to the TV.
There you are, Dad.
oh, and here's
most of a puzzle.
All the more reason
to treat yourself.
Isn't that for
anonymous gay hookups?
Something my dad held
in the bathroom!
Chris, no one talks
to each other anymore.
All right, what could go wrong?
Where frail old men come
to weigh themselves in the nude.
Oh, yes, half the bathroom trash
is thrown-up scrambled eggs.
Like that actress
from Rizzoli & Isles
It's the... law
enforcement woman.
...he sent it to
doesn't like him back,
he was technically
distributing child pornography.
Huh.
Today, we bring you a disturbing
case of child pornography.
Place.
but the law says that,
as a sex offender,
sentimental
military stuff, lava,
Good evening, I'm Glenn
Quagmire, your instructor.
painted like an ice cream truck,
your lights are on.
And do I really
have to be here?
We don't say "whack."
You grunt like
a Hungarian lesbian.
Well, she was gone
in two days.
we're putting it on Philippa's
husband's account.
I can't believe we're
having an ice cream cake
You can go back to
being a normal boy
Everybody into my
safety basement!
after eating
a seafood tower.
Not once.
Damn it, Brian!
You're really wearing
a path, aren't you?
but you're just gonna have
to accept that from now on,
That's why "no."
Now nobody will have
any reason to be afraid of me
besides get to the wind chime
store before it closes.
trying to roll back subsidies
on the Affordable Care Act,
But, look, first place.
Hey, everybody,
try my wife's ambrosia.
With all the free time, I'm
no longer devoting to onanism...
and I even joined
the debate team.
seems to have allowed Chris
to excel in other areas.
(gasping)
Aired 8 years ago - Jan 17, 2016
Lois and her mom, Babs, have a relaxing spa day, leaving Peter to entertain Lois’ father, Carter. The boys fall for an email scam, and have to go to Africa to get their money back. Meanwhile, Brian pursues Meg’s friend, Patty.
And you're not supposed
to be grilling.
This was not
what I was thinking.
You have postcards
from France?!
Uh, yeah.
All he needs is a hundred grand
to pay legal fees,
Good-bye, Mom. Good-bye, Dad.
Thanks for
the ride, Brian.
Where the hell'd they go?
Holy crap.
You won't tell
anyone, will you?
Sure did.
I made a million dollars!
Oh, my God, he did say,
"Blah, blah, blah."
that we need to go
put lotion on each other.
I am going to Africa
and getting my money back.
Oh, I've had many children.
Kevin James, why'd you have
to come back to television?
and I couldn't be
touched until I was two.
Now I just say
daytime-mom words.
I know, and she's
in high school.
Esther likes...
Not her.
You want her even more than
I wanted the new iPhone.
Yes, that is right.
Hamburger.
Alonzo "Hamburger" Jones.
Boy, the day I'm having.
if you want to split
a three-item combo.
Stop it!
Me?
All right, let's find our
"prince" and get my money back.
Yello?
You're damn right I am!
I'm Griff, by the way,
that's what everybody calls me.
Which I, personally,
could begin watching
Well, I hope you enjoyed it...
What is Kwanzaa?
You're parked in
Mr. Tackleman's space.
♪ Somebody once told me ♪
This is payback for Sammy
Davis dating Kim Novak.
"Harry Potter's aunt and uncle
were super mean.
"before reporting
for her botched surgery.
written by Quahog's
own Peter Griffin,
Hey, I wonder if any of those
stars are wishing on us, huh?
Speaking of which,
dumpy girls like us
only have each other.
It's true.
Aired 8 years ago - Jan 10, 2016
When their bank accounts begin to run dry, the Griffins look for ways to make money. Stewie gets cast in a peanut butter commercial and becomes the money maker for the family. Meanwhile, Lois and Peter become crazy show business parents and Brian helps Stewie realize that he does not want to be a child actor.
"I'm Gonna Barf
on the White House" blog.
Oh, my God!
Sunglasses that are an upgrade
Peter, did you rob
a bunch of people
But you should know, the day
I bought this metal detector
Oh, my God, I wasn't even
supposed to be here.
Please, go slow.
God, the mall sucks,
doesn't it, kids?
You can get a really good deal
on them after prom season.
That's what the scab kid
at school always has!
Congratulations, your son
is the new peanut butter kid!
No, Daddy!
Scooter's Peanut Butter.
♪ Cheesy jokes ♪
It's a royalty check
from Stewie's commercial.
I'm ready to get caught
cheating with my secretary.
our little commercial
star and his big payday.
since we ate at a place
where if you ask for ketchup,
Wasn't your kid an actor,
you jagoff?
What a pan, what a grill.
without even trying, so this
one should be a piece of cake.
that my son is the
Scooter's Peanut Butter Kid.
God, everyone here
is so talented.
Oh, my grundle.
Shut up,
that's over!
Lois made us do this,
Pierce Brosnan
would've got this.
It's one part 5-Hour Energy,
and the other three hours are
♪ Such a sky
you never did see. ♪
Mommy's gonna kill
all of your toys.
I've got goosebumps.
It's great for Stewie.
I don't know.
And besides, the fat man
knows what he's doing.
Look at this-- I'm
bringing 53 guests.
I'm just gonna smell it and
then throw it in the trash.
Screech from
Saved by the Bell? Porn.
Exactly. The point is
it's a dark path.
No, hold on.
Aired 8 years ago - Jan 03, 2016
Peter, Cleveland and Joe come across a VHS tape called “Winter/Summer” an Asian soap opera that Quagmire starred in when he was living in Korea. Unable to find the final episode of the series, the guys travel to Korea to find it and Quagmire is reunited with his old lover. Meanwhile, Stewie worries he might become a redhead.
He brought a personal
item to work!
Oh, my God!
No way!
I mean, I haven't been
this into something
Did Hee-Sun live
to have the baby?!
Now I know how that German
movie producer felt.
Well, this is crazy!
What happened...?
Guys, I'm sorry,
but it was years ago,
Like anybody who goes
scuba diving with Dave Navarro.
Hold the phone up to any
episode of Who's the Boss?
♪ ♪
Man, Epcot nailed Asia.
I take a picture with
giant Samsung phone!
We give only
best room for you.
Hey, guys.
Glenn?
H-How did you find me?
I've waited every day
hoping you would return.
Why, yes.
Tonight.
Do you remember
Buttercup?
What?
Nothing. It's stupid.
Can we watch
the thing now?
He's got nothing there!
What is that in real time?
I'm not gonna make the same
mistake American Johnny did.
Hi. I'm Ashton Kutcher.
and drive your usual
20 miles per hour
fly their plane
into the ocean if they want.
Can't believe Quagmire
isn't coming back with us.
Uh-huh. Yeah.
But singing.
♪ So we're breakin' the spell
with a K-pop dance ♪
♪ Come home, where you belong ♪
♪ Whiskey, steaks
and giant bongs ♪
Random names of snacks now!
♪ So, buddy, please run,
don't jog and ♪
Good night.
Aired 9 years ago - Dec 13, 2015
When Peter’s couch is stolen from his front lawn, the guys form a neighborhood watch group. While on duty, Peter sees someone trying to climb into Cleveland’s house and he shoots him. Peter is then arrested and charged with a hate crime. Meanwhile,
Cleveland is touched when Peter finally admits to the accident, so he takes the fall for the crime and Peter is exonerated.
MORE
-LESS
I like a soapy bottom.
What?
Ah, got to walk
that boner off, huh?
behind my mind."
"I'll give you anything if
you would only stop hitting me.
And bring pound cake.
"And bring pound cake."
For real.
Come on! Let's fool around,
It's a beautiful day--
lots of mischief to get into.
Unless you're leaving,
which would be terrific also.
(chuckling):
Brain fart. Window. Sorry.
Mr. Griffin! You shot me!
Ah, then this must be
"Chubster Dumb-Dumb."
It was dark. I-I...
I don't know why
I don't need one
in my wallet.
Oh, oh, you're
talking to him.
I'd never want to do anything
to hurt you or your family.
Hey, does anybody know
if Cleveland's coming by?
The victim: a 14-year-old boy
named Cleveland Brown Jr.
held accountable
for his actions.
It's well documented
that my dream three-way
Of course this isn't
just gonna go away.
Hey! I'm trying
my best here.
Okay, kids, are your parents
out of the room?
of the town square, get naked
and paint myself brown.
No! I'm so sick
of your crap.
(Peter sobbing)
Look, it's time we
bury the hatchet.
Aw, come on.
This'll change your mind.
(all gasp)
(loud, overlapping shouting)
What are you talkin' about?
You know it was an accident.
Don't worry, Dad!
Griffin, you have a visitor.
How is it that I'm only
just now meeting you?
But don't worry.
We're gonna get you out of this.
Not like when I read
my JAG fan fiction
Boo!
Terrible!
and that hurt even worse
than getting shot!
I don't think it's
lost on any of us
it's no surprise that
justice isn't colorblind."
This is where we take control
of the situation.
I was listening
to Neil Sedaka's Hanukkah album.
as well as this print ad
for the Entourage movie.
Aired 9 years ago - Dec 06, 2015
When Joe is trampled in a local running of the bulls and becomes a quadriplegic, the guys find it too difficult to hang around him. Meanwhile, Brian sleeps with a married woman, and when the husband returns home, he pretends to be the family’s new dog.
Come on, my handicap
has never held me back.
Hey, uh, uh,
just to be clear,
Yeah, that's him.
You got a dog?
Great, honey.
It's impossible to do anything
with a dumb, crappy claw!
If you could angle up the ring,
then I could kind of hook it.
with sticks or something.
That's Lois, hold on.
We're here for Joe.
Most of it disgusting.
Well, seems like you folks
have this all taken care of.
What?
That's...
Well, I'm off to do what
former Navy SEALs do--
Watch what happens
when I push this demo button.
There you go, Joe.
All settled.
So before we go, I'm gonna
put the remote in your mouth.
but obviously your
mouth is full.
What're you talking about?
Okay, I'm just gonna
walk 30 feet away,
I get to go to the pound,
if you know what I mean.
It definitely is.
How you suppose they come up
with all them positions?
like you have
something you like.
Yeah, that's right.
Besides, I need you, boy.
Man, when I find
that son of a bitch,
What's wrong with him?
It's too much.
I'll be fine.
Backdraft-- you
finally watched it?
in stained underwear
trying to stab people
Hufflepuff.
Tell me about it.
He also put a tracking chip
in your neck.
Well, hurry, 'cause I'm trapped
like a baseball announcer.
Hey, I don't know
if you can hear it,
God, I love you, Lois.
Whenever you offer
me a back rub,
What?! Peter, those places
are a horror show!
Oh, my God!
Aired 9 years ago - Nov 22, 2015
Quagmire admits that he is in love with Lois. Unfortunately, he proclaims his love while he has accidentally pocket-dialed Peter. Peter is furious and Brian takes it upon himself to fix the situation.
You get it. My family
moves around a lot
What? Why?
W-Well, what's
the best fish here?
And check this out.
The rare triple toothpick flip.
Peter, that was
a wedding present from my aunt.
All right, we were able
to fix your hernia,
Quick, we need
another toothpick!
That old lady has ruined
toothpicks for me.
Hey, Quagmire. Hey, Ida.
so maybe just an iceberg wedge,
a steak, and some sides.
and if he's with the kids too
long, they start sayin' racisms.
I just learned that word.
Boy, that Lois is really
something, isn't she?
I want Lois.
Not like Cleveland.
Well, good night.
Huh. There's one from Quagmire.
Hello?
I want Lois. She's perfect.
No, no, no, that's just
Quagmire bein' a horndog.
and hit him with a shovel, like
a white trash YouTube girl.
of that colonial woman who
died falling down our stairs.
Like one of those songs
in an old musical.
♪ Love in my life... ♪
Glenn! Ida!
You made it!
Peter, what are you
talking about?
Fop Cop.
That could work.
Oh, my God!
It's like, I can't even process
why he'd feel this way.
Yeah, get it in there.
that was so tacky.
Shame.
This was serious, but it
turned into something fun.
aren't gonna talk this out,
you and I should.
We live on the same street.
Oh, sour cream.
You wanted me to remind you.
No, it's too awkward.
You're right.
Quagmire, wait!
What? What-what am I supposed
to do with that information?
Aw, we don't need him.
I got a sex story for you.
Peter, face it-- without
Quagmire, we're boring.
Oh, if only
I had a pair of legs.
Look, Peter, I'm
sorry Quagmire moved away,
I lost my best friend,
my buddies are all fighting,
Aired 9 years ago - Nov 15, 2015
Peter’s sister, Karen, decides to come for Thanksgiving and bullies Peter the same way Meg treats him. While Meg is at first amused, she later feels badly and decides to help Peter train to defeat his sister in a wrestling match. Meanwhile, to avoid
overeating on Thanksgiving, Stewie and Brian decide to go on a cleanse, which Stewie takes one step too far.
MORE
-LESS
I can't wait
to meet her.
knowing what we know now.
before the turkey's done,
but I made more appetizers.
And you must be Meg.
Lois Pewterschmidt.
The one that got away.
Eh, sort of clever.
What just happened was
a national tragedy,
She's amazing!
Can't you just go out there
and pretend to have a good time?
Okay, I'm here.
This is my house.
If I don't see
you go inside,
And then, so I'm like, "Peter,
how was I supposed to know
Oh, man.
Hey, Karen,
later you got to show us
♪ Weirdness! Weirdness! ♪
Fat chicks with black hair
get tattoos of me!
and before the white of winter.
Pee Pee, you get
the crumbs.
Y-Y-You're a j-jerk, K-K-Karen!
Well, that's 'cause
it didn't happen.
♪ Let's celebrate ♪
No, because that's how
Aunt Karen treated you
Who would like me
to read them a book,
and you won't have to
take it out on me
Nope, it's got to be a
lady wrestling match.
Chris?
Take that off.
How... how did...?
become addicted to painkillers
at some point.
We should just go live on a
boat in some guy's backyard.
We got to go back
to your childhood,
I see the six
stations of the Lord's order,
All right! Hey, thanks for
all your help, you guys.
♪ The only drive-through
monkey farm ♪
♪ Ooh, aah! ♪
Tonight, she's up against
Her Vajesty's Secret Cervix.
You ain't no champ!
Huh. It looks like
this Heavy Flo is pee,
Heavy Flo, always
finding a way
Aired 9 years ago - Nov 08, 2015
Peter gets a check in the mail from the sale of his mother's home and he remembers that all of his old porn is still in there. When he returns to retrieve his stash, he finds a "to Peter from Peter" tape and realizes that his life has amounted to
nothing. Reeling from his own failures, Peter then attempts to fix Chris before it's too late, and forces his son to spend time with Brian.
MORE
-LESS
for the last five hours
trying on Obama masks.
We were gonna break in
and take it.
I can't believe these tables
are always empty.
Almost time for lunch.
Hi, Peter.
How was Vegas?
like that Doogie Howser kid
who's getting so much ass.
♪ I know it's only
make believe... ♪
But not everyone
is so lucky.
effeminate gasp,
over the backboard,
♪ Highway
to the danger zone... ♪
Help. Somebody help!
He's just rhyming "danger zone"
with "danger zone."
that you grow up
to be a success.
Ha!
Meg, go to your room.
Where are your arm garters?
A hat on a hat!
so now we're high-stepping
around in giant hats.
are you pushing
Chris so hard
Oh, my God,
you're right, Brian.
You gotta show Chris how
to turn out better than me.
'Cause I think you
could be something great.
Eh, I bought a Nook e-reader
a couple of years ago
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
Eh, dinner's no fun
without Chris here.
Apologies for being so tardy.
to ask questions that
weren't really questions.
How about you and me
go chuck tater tots at it?
It is awful.
'cause after that we're going
down to the Civic Center.
doing all that
fancy-pants stuff.
Just like you grew out of your
"Walk Like An Egyptian" phase.
This world only has one sun.
of mentally impaired
supermodel Kate Upton.
with a bright future,
Thanks for coming to the book
club meeting, everyone.
Aired 9 years ago - Oct 25, 2015
The guys go to an abandoned asylum seeking inspiration for a new horror movie idea, but end up accidentally killing a man they think is keeping them hostage. Wracked with guilt, they each try to pin the murder on someone else. Meanwhile, Stewie is
on a mission to destroy Brian's glasses because he's annoyed by how pretentious Brian's been acting when he wears them
MORE
-LESS
but there are many exceptions
based on genetics and diet.
And they say it's haunted
by a ghost with a hook-hand.
I'd like to thank
everyone I've ever met,
Another dead teenage couple
was found at Makeout Point,
Will you calm down?
with the back open so there's
a nice breeze on your behind,
Everybody up and gone.
Yeah, or-or like an
evil bar of soap.
Hey, Ambassador Mumbasa,
All right, maybe coming here
wasn't such a great idea.
Oh, my God, somebody
must have locked us in.
It was him.
You're a writer?
I'm gonna destroy those glasses
if it's the last thing I do.
I'm sorry, there's nobody here
by that name.
take a nice,
dry sauna--
Chris!
Boy, you guys sure
look steamed.
trying to help you.
What have we done?
Yeah, it's part
of the job.
so you're not really
supposed to take those home.
It does not feel
like a Wednesday.
Last night,
What are you
freaking out about?
and this thing we're doin',
I'm not happy about it,
I won't say anything,
I'll let you relax.
♪ Peter, Quagmire,
Cleveland and Joe ♪
Oh, yeah, no,
I know this one.
Wait, w-what's
all this stuff
Aired 9 years ago - Oct 11, 2015
Stewie doesn’t like Brian’s stand-up comedy jokes, so the two of them fight. To get back at Brian and make him jealous, Stewie builds a robot friend. But when the robot outsmarts Stewie and dumps him, Brian and Stewie reunite. Meanwhile, Lois forces Peter to get a new mattress.
Oh, my God, what happened
to your side of the bed?
What is with all the bad
cleaning supplies, am I right?
Here's that guy Bob
from Bob's Burgers.
Thank you.
an upside-down picture
of the Capitol behind me.
to hear Adele's
ex-boyfriend's songs
You got 100% on
your written test,
Oh, Lois, I slept great
on your side of the bed.
I got asked
to come back tonight.
No, it's not.
No.
I think we
like this one.
Hey, uh...
Stewie!
Oh, it's
everywhere!
Is this dog
bothering you, Stewie?
Ooh! Snap, Brian!
♪ Gloria. ♪
Look at that,
you only have four contacts.
When we're done,
I'll grab you by the ankles
We'll be right back with more
Laverne & Shirley.
Oh, no!
I do so enjoy
our time together, Lyle.
My word, this is
very impressive.
Ah, yes, I see... I see
the-the name on the trucks.
I-I'm sorry, guys, I guess
I'm just a little on edge.
What kind of mattress
did you get?
You'll never
find that thing.
Could you toss
that up to me?
I needed to create some friends
who are my cognitive peers.
I must ask you to leave.
It does if you drink
the whole bottle while we watch.
There, I did it.
I'll go get another
bottle and try again.
They use old mattresses to
pad the walls of the cells.
A Negro speaking up
to a white person?
I mostly just powder
the ding-dongs.
Ah, this was worth
the four-hour flight.
Those robots are not
your friends.
Aired 9 years ago - Oct 04, 2015
For Father’s Day, the guys track down Joe’s estranged father. But when Joe explains that his dad is intolerant of people with disabilities, Peter steps in and pretends to be Joe. Meanwhile, Stewie’s doctor tells him that he’ll only grow to be 5’1”, so he hangs out with Tiny Tom Cruise to understand what it’s like to be short.
I found Joe's dad
on the Internet,
Oh, okay.
Well, now that Quagmire ruined
the surprise, we found your dad!
Pretty much anything with
"bad," you turn it to "dad."
It was all,
"Hey, spaghetti legs!"
I never...
I never told him!
I can't believe you invited
my father without telling me.
My dad has no idea
I'm paralyzed.
Maybe buy a garage and fill it
with hockey equipment."
I know clothes shopping
always cheers you up.
You know something?
Sure, you got
a lion in there?
being an adult man
who's that short?
You'll feel like
you're discovering a new world.
Oh, my God.
And to induce movement, I'm
gonna snap the horse's balls
If you guys were in my shoes,
you'd understand.
Is some of this room cold?
Look, Lois, Joe is one
of my best friends, all right?
♪ To give you my love ♪
♪ You're never gonna
make me cry ♪
Sometimes I don't
understand why people laugh.
Pathetic.
You've been hanging out
with Tom Cruise?
Hello?
What? Really?
You are making a big mistake,
Stewie!
So now, since I switched
to disposable catheters,
In fact, we've been
having a great time!
if Lois is feeling
frisky at night,
Your dad got me
super clean in the tub.
that his son is a paraplegic
who's stuck in a wheelchair.
Splendid, Charles!
Okay, kids!
That kid looked like
Tiny Tom Cruise.
has better things to do
than follow you around.
You gotta help me
get rid of him, Brian!
All right, let's do it.
Joe, you gotta go inside.
Now get inside.
A helpless,
spaghetti-legged cripple!
Aired 9 years ago - Sep 27, 2015
Stewie is diagnosed with ADD and prescribed Adderall, which Brian takes to write a 2000-page proposal to pitch to author George R.R. Martin at a book convention. Meanwhile, Quagmire and Peter compete, Iron Chef-style, to determine which of them gets to keep his new cooking show.
Okay, I guess we
can give it a try.
How romantic.
on Channel Five
needs a new host.
Advertise stuff!
Advertise Stu...!
You're giving a
one-year-old drugs?!
Let me get up and greet you.
And they do a pretty
good job of it.
Peter Griffin.
I should be at work.
Look down.
There's also a carrot.
What do I...
what-what do I do?
We're rolling
in three, two, one.
to the 13th century,
I remember the first time
I had mince pie.
Okay, time for
an eyes-open nap.
enthusiastic children.
You know, a lot of kids
at my school take ADD pills.
Focus, huh?
The words are
just pouring out of me!
Okay, today we're putting
together duck breast medallions
one tablespoon of grated,
peeled fresh ginger;
Just make sure you remove
the bag from the refrigerator
Look at me! I'm huge in 2002!
I will not work
with that man again.
I'll do it.
After October 13.
Check out how much water
is in the dehumidifier.
Wieest. Restore.
I threw together a 2,000-page
treatment last night.
What?
Either you leave
the network or I do!
I'll see you
in hell, loser.
Okay, but just promise me
there's no reading.
But if it is?
♪ When they hear
your heart of thunder. ♪
and George R. R. Martin
will be there.
cooking competition for you
today with two fantastic chefs.
God, he must be
the coolest fat guy
in the distant galaxy
of Warlock's Keep.
I'm very flattered.
I have to go wash the nerd
chotch out of my beard.
He, um...
Now let's go home.