Aired 22 years ago - Feb 25, 1998
Cartman needs to find out who his father is but his mom is no help. Learning that his father could be one of the many people that his mom "had relations" with during an annual party called "The Drunken Barn Dance," he finds that there's more to his mother then he thought.
Thank you, Polly Prissypants.
How nice of you.
- Eric is the best.
- Hurray for Eric.
- What do you mean?
- Has anything troubled him recently?
- Is that legal?
- Oh, hell yes.
- This will be the funniest tape ever.
- How much do we need?
...sometimes when a man and a woman
are attracted to each other...
Who put his hoo-hoo-dilly
in your cha-cha?
I've never seen a woman drink so much.
You're amazing, Miss Cartman.
That's a good cookie.
He was the most beautiful piece of ass
I'd ever seen in South Park.
I don't recall
the rest of the night...
I heard he still lives on the Ute
reservation outside of town.
In the harrowing made-for-TV drama...
Yeah, dude, it looks riveting.
Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?
He didn't have the guts.
Naive American, Stan.
The bear is important to my people.
- Or do I have to steal it?
- Go ahead, dude.
Cartman? Oh, boy, I was worried
there for a second.
Your mom was too drunk
to remember what happened.
- Chief, I want your hot man-chowder.
- Whoa, hello!
- Could you excuse me for a minute?
- You gotta be kidding me.
Care to put your tongue
in my mouth?
I was just kicking it
with some G's on the west side.
Dude, we should be videotaping this.
We could make another $ 1 0,000.
- What's gotten into you?
- You're my dad, Chef.
Here, you children sit down and let me
explain about where babies come from.
...but he acts like he does
to get some action.
Oh, man, I'm out of here.
No. No. No, God, no!
- Really, you don't think so?
- No, you're not fat.
...when one of our lucky videos
qualifies for the $ 1 0,000 grand prize.
- Garrison? Impossible, he's gay.
- I'm not gay!
Don't feel too bad, kid.
I never knew who my father was either.
I'll take blood from you and everyone
here and we can learn who your dad is.
- I'm gonna buy the coolest go-cart.
- I'm gonna buy a Walkman.
...but to find out, they have
to do DNA tests and they cost $3,000.
- We know how you can get $3,000.
- You do?
- What kind of video did you make?
- You'll see.
Now, our second finalist,
"Little Boy Has a Tea Party."
Aired 22 years ago - Feb 18, 1998
The boys meet up with Barbara Streisand who wants to take over the world with Kyle's discovery and an archaeological dig. Leonard Maltin, Sydney Potier, and Robert Smith come to the rescue to defeat Babs and her terrible destruction.
Check it out, dude.
It's got little drawings on it.
- You threw it away, fatso!
- Let me see.
The 8-year-old was very shocked...
Goddamn it, give me my triangle!
- Then I'm not too late.
- Too late for what?
- I didn't steal anything.
- Tell Kyle I'm not speaking with him.
Who is the boy I saw
on the news report tonight?
So?! I'm a very famous
and very important individual.
- No, I found it! He stole it!
Move along, you little troublemakers!
I heard she had her own $4 million
condo up near the ski slope.
- Are you sure?
- He knew about the symbol of Krulak.
For so long I've waited
to find the other triangle.
- What are you doing?
- I'm trying...
If it means that much to you,
take the stupid triangle!
- You sure Barbra's condo is here?
- It was a rumor.
- I always heard she was a bitch.
- More than a bitch!
You know what? Never mind.
I don't need to know all this.
...and become the most threatening
thing ever known:
Damn it, I gave it to you
so you would shut up!
Yes. You see, that triangle
is part of my kidney dialysis machine.
I want to give you a big cash reward
for finding it.
You should have seen her nose.
It's big enough to land planes on.
Bet you wish you didn't give me
that triangle. Dumb-ass!
I won't put a foreign object
up my ass.
I'll teach you to meddle
with my triangle!
- Goddamn it, tell her! I wanna go home.
- Maybe this will help jar your memory.
- Ever heard of the band, The Cure?
- Come on...
Keep going this way. Hurry!
After centuries of waiting, I finally
have the Triangle of Zinthar!
Goddamn it, not again.
We'll get you, you bitch.
- Yes, it is.
- Leonard Maltin asked me to call you.
Get outside her, Ned!
I can't get a shot in from here.
Oh, my God, it is you!
I am such a huge fan, Miss Streisand!
Thank you, Miss Streisand!
The Sidney Poitier in my hometown.
Is that really necessary?
Aired 22 years ago - Feb 11, 1998
Wendy and Stan discuss their plans for romance. Principal Victoria comes into the classroom and announces that Mr. Garrison is going to be out and that a substitute will be taking his place. The lovely Miss Ellen speaks to Stan and he pukes all over
his desk. Wendy is upset because Stan only pukes when he is in love and has Mrs. Ellen arrested for being a spy.
Anyhoo, I want you all to meet
your new substitute, Miss Ellen.
I know you must be very upset
about your teacher having surgery.
I told the people at school
I had herpes.
You could wind up a hideous creature,
forced to live in the sewers...
- She was checking me out.
- Until you puked on her.
- Yeah, that one.
- I gotta meet this woman.
That's okay. You know what they say
about women with moles on their necks.
Me, me, me!
We were learning about how Yasmine
Bleeth is dating Richard Grieco...
Crazy cracker's always
- Chef's gonna make love to Miss Ellen!
That's to be expected.
We did major reconstruction...
Remember your homework.
We have a lot of catching up.
- Can I tell you something, Miss Ellen?
- Of course, Wendy.
I want to thank all you children
for the presents you bought me.
And what a nice alarm clock!
Thank you, Stan.
I got Miss Ellen a chocolate pie,
but I left it at home.
...do they have to wear
- No, she wasn't.
- She was!
- Yeah, you're acting like a freak.
- No, I'm not acting like a freak!
Miss Ellen doesn't exactly play
for the right team.
My grandma was Dutch-Irish
and my grandpa was lesbian.
I think it looks great.
- The record store guy said to get it.
- I got these killer Birkenstocks.
...is load her into a rocket
and have her shot into the sun.
- Suddenly I feel really confident.
- That's right. Will you stay?
Wendy, we just got a call
in the office. Your grandma just died.
- You can say that again, Mr. Garrison.
- Just a few hundred more shots.
- Are we making love now?
- Excuse me?
It's over. I give up.
Whoa! Hey, wait, wait!
- Miss Ellen, can I talk to you?
- Can it wait till after class?
The way I acted was wrong,
and I've learned from it.
Damn this beautiful face of mine.
Damn it to hell!
- So we meet again, Miss Ellen.
- Just what is going on here?
Aired 22 years ago - Feb 04, 1998
Eric is handing out invitations to his birthday party at school. Mr. Garrison informs them all that there is a new student joining the class. Announcing to all that he is Damien, the son of Satan. Even as Damien demonstrates his demonic powers the children are more loathsome than impressed.
- Kyle's mom's here to ruin Christmas.
- Shut up, fat boy!
Hey! Jewish people
can't eat Christmas snow.
...since you don't get Christmas gifts.
- I get Channukah gifts for eight days.
You are really reaching right now.
That isn't all, mayor. The school play
is doing a Nativity scene.
...you must remove Santa,
Frosty and all that garbage too.
Perhaps we need
a new icon for Christmas.
It's true. He doesn't care
what faith you are.
...to any religious or minority group.
Any other suggestions?
It isn't fair.
I don't wanna be an outcast.
You know something, pal?
You smell an awful lot like flowers.
Nobody believes in you,
not even my friends.
We've got to turn this place around.
Take down anything that's offensive...
I sneaked around my mom's closet
and saw what I'm getting:
...how offended you are. We can find out
which words are least offensive...
We can't sing songs having to do
with Jesus or Santa Claus.
Golly, that isn't very nice.
I'd sure like to teach him a lesson.
...I want to help you
confront your problem, m'kay?
This must be a pretty hard time
of year for you.
Of course he does. In your screwed up
head, he's the only friend you have.
Try and stay positive. Stay away from
drugs and alcohol. In the meantime...
...since they offend people
- Just look more closely at it.
- No! Go away!
This could be such a wonderful play.
I wish Kyle was here to see it.
- Hey! Don't push your beliefs on me.
- I agree.
Before we start,
here's a non-offensive...
- Get ready to take your places.
- Thank you, Chef.
As I turn and look into the sun...
- The Jews didn't want it Christian.
- We didn't take out Santa.
He kept seeing this brown piece
of Christmas poo everywhere.
Now you can make your own Mr. Hankey.
Just use the fecal fishing net...
The set comes with everything
You can believe in him now.
Aired 22 years ago - Dec 17, 1997
South Park Elementary is on stage rehearsing for the schools play. Kyle begins to sing a song about Mr. Hankey, the Christmas Poo. Of course, no one has any idea what the heck he's singing about. Kyle explains that Mr. Hankey comes every year to all
the good boys and girls who have a lot of fiber in their diet. Everyone thinks he's insane and sends him to a mental institute.
Sponsor now, and we'll send you
a Teiko sports watch as a free gift.
- We wanna adopt a starving Ethernopian.
- When do we get the watch?
I get to wear it first.
When they cut up a chick's stomach
to get a baby out?
Mr. Garrison, why do poor people
always smell like sour milk?
Do you hear something?
I think I hear flower children calling.
That's enough Dickens for one day.
Mayor, we've got a very big problem.
The worst part is,
they're really pissed off.
- Did our digital sports watch come?
- Not yet, hon.
They accidentally sent him
instead of the watch.
Nice to meet you.
He'll stay here.
Then with Stan, then me.
Not as beautiful as...
Except for Kenny's family.
To them, $6.99 is two years' income.
That's it for the appetizers.
No, you don't want all that.
Why don't you share it with me?
...creamed corn and creamed corn?
No, Starvin' Marvin,
that's Kenny's creamed corn.
- Yes, I'll pay $50 for one.
- I want one!
- You can't care for him.
- I thought we were supposed to.
- Because why?
- Because 8-year-olds can't be parents!
- Maybe the world.
- Oh, fudge!
...who was accidentally sent here
instead of a Teiko sports watch.
Now you're pissing me off!
- Poverty stricken citizen.
It's true, mayor. Those turkeys
just ripped apart my cafeteria.
Here it comes.
Hunger is an enemy
that we all must fight.
Who let these flies in here? Hasn't
anybody heard of insect repellent?
Looks like we have
the turkey problem under control.
Happy, happy Thanksgiving.
Let her rip!
Now, let's see all the goodies you're
going to take home to your family.
Go to your homes and arm yourselves
with whatever you can.
Seriously, I'm hungry.
Sorry, we just don't have any funds.
Here, have a Teiko sports watch.
- Where is that Thanksgiving spirit?
- We can't stop them.
These fudged-up turkeys from the
crustaceous era can take our lives...
Aired 22 years ago - Nov 19, 1997
The four boys are at Cartman's house watching the "Terrance & Philip Thanksgiving Special" on television. During a break from the show, a Sally Struthers commercial convinces the boys that the prospect of a free "Taiko" sport watch with a
five-dollar donation is irresistible. Typical greedy American youth. So Stan dials in, using his mother's credit card number and makes their donation.
- What's your name again?
- The reign of my father.
- Your father?
Psych! I wasn't gonna
give you an invitation.
Do you need to sit in time-out
for a minute?
Green Mega Man goes with
Red and Yellow...
That's because Yellow Mega Man
is the cheapest and your family's poor.
Children, you shouldn't not like
Death to the holy. The wrath of the
fallen angels now waits for you all!
My wrath shall continue
until I speak with Jesus!
He keeps throwing things around...
...since Kenny was turned into
a duck-billed platypus.
You shouldn't be so upset. I know it's
hard, but they'll accept you someday.
Let him come.
I shall stop him.
- What's happening?
- Come over here if you're scared.
...right here in South Park!
The final battle between good and
evil, only on pay-per-view.
Guys, my mom's getting
a Ferris wheel.
What the hell do you mean, "if"?
Behold, the Evil One approaches.
Now, that is a man who's eaten
a lot of beef.
Satan weighs in at
320 pounds, 4 ounces.
First South Park, then the world.
- I want to change my bet to Satan.
- Me too.
- Because I'm the son of the Devil?
- That's good, why else?
That's what I taught Pip. Just look
how much the other kids like him now.
I apologize for that and turning
your friend into a platypus.
- How are you, Damien?
- They farted on me and called me...
It seems that several bets
were changed to Satan.
Oh, right, well. He has a few
hundred pounds on you, Jesus.
I can't hit Jesus Christ. My mother
would never speak to me again.
- What have I done?
- Anybody get the number of that truck?
- You just got here, Chef.
- But the fight is starting.
The other kids have always hated you?
...Jesús "El Savior" Christ.
...let's get ready to rumble!
- Neither were you, Pip.
- I tried to tell Damien, but...
- You're not such a bad guy, Damien.
- Come on in and join the party.
Ants in the Pants?
Ants in the...?
Everybody go home!
Come on. We can still catch
the end of the fight.
Dude, Jesus is getting his butt kicked.
You've got to fight, Jesus.
What would Nancy Kerrigan do?
Not give up.
Aired 23 years ago - Oct 29, 1997
The first Halloween episode starts off with the failure of the Mir Space Station, which crashes right on Kenny. An ambulance comes and takes his body off to the morgue. The boys start to brag about their Halloween costumes. At the morgue, a freak
accident involving a bottle of Worcestershire occurs, and next thing you know Kenny is a member of the undead. Kenny breaks free and wanders off into the night.
- Why did you dress like Raggedy Andy?
- Wendy's Raggedy Ann.
It's a Adolf Hitler costume.
Sieg Heil. Sieg Heil.
- Look out, Holly Hobbie's pissed off.
- Hey, look, Kenny's not dead.
I said your family had to put
a cardboard box up for mortgage, Kenny.
- Very interesting.
- What is it, doc?
I'm so hungry and all I can
think about eating is brains.
It sure does seem to be
a popular costume this year.
...so I came as Chewbacca.
Is there a problem, Kenny?
- Hello there. Happy Halloween.
- Must eat brains.
Elvis? I'm Evel Knievel.
Why the hell would I dress like Elvis?
- Where did you get that costume?
- My mom made it. Sieg Heil. Sieg Heil.
- You bit my arm!
- Kenny's back to normal.
- You must remove that costume.
- I can't. I have to win the candy.
- Hello, children.
- Hey, Chef.
...can get a look
at your stupid costumes.
...Kenny for his Edward
James Olmos costume.
...Stan, for his stupid
little clown-thing costume.
You go first, Bebe.
Get the hell out of here, Johnson.
I don't want no goddamn pinkeye.
Thanks, Tom. More than
half the townspeople...
Where is Kyle?
We don't have all night.
Too bad drinking scotch
isn't a paying job...
- How's your barrel full of candy?
- I didn't want that sweet stuff.
How could he be mad
with such pretty hair?
- Let me guess, pinkeye, right?
- No, doctor. I've seen this before.
These people have been zombiefied.
They got no feeling. I'll show you.
Who was the first one
to come in here sick?
- Mayor, we've got a big problem.
- Why, Chef, what a surprise.
- Do something about the living dead.
- You mean Tina Yothers?
- Well, let's get back to it.
We'll never get candy
if Kenny keeps eating people.
Oh, my God! Stop!
- I'm trying to trick-or-treat.
- Remind me to whip your ass.
Don't you see? Kenny's a zombie.
Along with everyone else in town.
We'll get to the bottom
of this at the morgue.
- What are we doing here, Chef?
- Just look for anything suspicious.
- I gotta call this hotline number.
Okay, Chef, dial the
hotline number. Chef?
Welcome to the
Aired 23 years ago - Sep 17, 1997
"Happy Birthday" to Stan's Grandpa Marsh who just turned 102. How does the wizened Mr. Marsh feel about his birthday? He sums it up in five words; "I wish I were dead." and proceeds trying to end his life enlisting Stan to do it for him. However,
Stan is aware of a very important thing if he kills his grandfather, he'd be in trouble, and if he's in trouble he can't watch Terrance and Phillip.
- I killed my grandpa when I was young.
- Leave me alone, Grandpa.
- Phillip, would you like a flower?
- I sure would.
- It's immature toilet humor.
- But everybody watches it.
She said that this show is naughty
and might make you a potty-mouth.
- Good night, Grandpa.
- You son of a whore!
It seems like every month,
Kyle's mom gets a hair up her ass...
Shows like that are called
The reason the parents of South Park
are upset is because...
there have always been very bad shows.
- Not watch Terrance and Phillip?
...goes around and murders people
that ask him to.
- Why bad?
- Is it okay to kill your grandpa?
Yeah, like assisted suicide.
What about that?
Now apparently, that's supposed
to be funny.
I think I've caught a touch
of the flu from Kenny.
- I can't even kill a deer.
- Have your friends do it.
And I dug up your great grandma's
skeleton and had my way with her.
- Dude, Snacky Cakes?
- What do I do?
- Sorry. This is Martin...
- From Aspen Park.
- Next caller.
- Think we'll get in trouble?
- Don't be a butthole.
- I bet I know what's coming.
- Billy, would you hold this for me.
- You're such an asshole, Terrance.
- I sure am.
Tug a little harder, Billy.
Boys, what drove you to the edge
and changed you into demonic bastards?
We have to stop this smut from airing.
...that we demand better television
for our children.
...is because you don't understand
how I feel.
I can't take it.
This music is terrible.
If there are any questions...
Carol, where are the porta potties?
We are prepared to do the same.
We will all follow suit, one by one
if that's what it takes.
Come on, let's go!
As the day progresses,
more South Park residents...
Mom, Death is here!
He's trying to take us away!
If parents worried less
about what their kids watch on TV...
I'm over here, son of a whore!
Know what my space suit smells like?
...are still killing themselves
in front of the Toon Central building.
...your Nazi-ass tactics of trying to
stink us out with your rancid feces...
Aired 23 years ago - Sep 10, 1997
Stan notices a new addition in their bus stop crew, an elephant standing alongside Kyle. At school, class lessons for the day involve genetic engineering (conveniently enough). Kyle questions the possibility of a genetically engineered elephant made
smaller by design. The boys have to beat the rough kids in their genetics experiment, and will try anything to do it.
That's right, Mr. Garrison, genetic
engineering is an exciting new science.
Combine my elephant with a potbellied
pig and make potbellied elephants.
I bet I could clone a human being
before you cross an elephant and a pig.
You could use this for your
science-fair projects next month.
- Is it your father or your mother?
- Neither, it's my sister.
- I swear I'm gonna kill you, Stan!
- Why is your sister so mean?
This must be it.
Yeah. We wanna crossbreed
an elephant with a pig.
Thanks to genetic engineering,
there will be an end...
besides four-assed animals?
Here, Swiss cheese spliced
with chalk and a beard.
Keep your hands off of Fluffy!
- This gas is hurting my anus.
- That's pretty fresh.
Would you shut up?
Nobody gives a rat's ass!
Wrong! We've already
got our human clone under way.
A pig and an elephant's
genes won't splice.
Imagine a pint-sized elephant
that you could keep in the house.
Sure they would,
if you get them in the mood.
- Yeah, she's just a girl.
- Lf a girl tried to kick my ass, I'd be:
- What the hell are you talking about?
- I'm saying you're a little wuss.
- Come on, Kenny.
- Kyle, no!
Beautiful, it's absolutely beautiful.
My son, I think we've finally done it.
You need to set the mood. Let me
show you boys what I'm talking about.
Now, children, gather around
and watch the wonders of life.
- Dad, you're the best.
- Oh, my God! He only has one ass!
But he's our science-fair project!
They're all stupid anyway.
Come on, guys, let's go.
Couple of days? Terrance
will have his clone tomorrow.
Sir, if making mutant animals spliced
with humans is crazy, then...
He's dangerous. His brain is identical
to yours. I need you to help me find him.
...the little boy replied simply,
- Come on, let's go!
- There you are!
- Wait till your father hears about this.
- Wait, Stan, there he goes.
Stan? How would you like to go home
and meet your sister?
He's tearing up the house.
- I'm lusciously sorry for everything.
- They got our clone. He belongs to us.
All I wanted was to genetically
engineer something useful. I failed.
Aired 23 years ago - Sep 03, 1997
Stan's got a new dog-named Sparky. Stan proclaims his pet to be the toughest dog on the mountain. Though while Stan thinks his dog is ready for fighting, Sparky proceeds to hump Sylvester like a little bitch. The other boys taunt Stan about his gay dog and Sparky runs away to find someone who will love him for who he is.
- I think your dog is gay.
Okay, children, I know
you're excited and nervous...
- Mr. Chef, sir?
- Yes, Pip, what is it?
Hut, hut, hut, hut, hut.
Hut, hut, hut, hut, hut, hut, hut...
Ned, we gotta get our asses
to the bookie!
But my dog found his own way.
That makes him smarter...
How about Stan, our South Park
Stanley might lead our team to victory
for the first time in decades.
- What's a homosexual?
- Oh, well, Stanley...
...clots in their brains, which causes
their Nazi-esque violent behavior.
You need to kick more ass
to beat the Cowboys.
Good boy. Now, don't be gay!
- I'll put 300 on the Cows too.
- I wanna put money on the Cows too!
Where do you keep getting this?
No pink bandanna. Bad dog!
Maybe it's not bad.
- Of course. How are things now?
- Everything's better.
My son, many have wondered
what my stance on homosexuality is.
It's not okay.
I don't want a gay dog.
Now, children, we've got to handle
the ball better.
You of all people
should be sympathetic.
Maybe he went shopping
for some leather pants.
Have you been outcast?
- Did you check the shopping...?
- We'll look after the game.
But this year we're gonna
If Stan doesn't show up,
can I use his helmet?
Why is that Jewish kid
- Fine, how are you?
- Super, thanks for asking.
Hi, fellas. It's so super to see you!
The ball is snapped.
Middle Park blitzes!
If we lose money because of your
nephew, we'll hang you out to dry.
We can work on making you
not gay together. Sparky?
The Cows are set to receive.
There's the kick.
- That's gotta hurt, Frank!
Uh-oh, look out, it's the oppressors!
Ned, we are gonna get
our asses kicked!
Oh, Stan. When you get back to town,
tell them about us, will you?
Aired 23 years ago - Aug 27, 1997
The boys get together with Stan's Uncle Jimbo and Jimbo's war-buddy Ned for a hunting trip in the nearby mountains. After Cartman's mom makes sure her "little" boy is safe and sound (much to Cartman's dismay) the group heads off for adventure. As they drive away from the town, Jimbo explains the "finer" points of hunting.
Let's get that testosterone flowing.
- Uncle Jimbo, we don't drink beer.
It will be nice to get out of the city
for a while, away from civilization.
- You weren't in Vietnam!
- Were you stationed in Da Nang?
Wow, that'd be cool!
Not so loud.
Now, that's just a technicality.
You're smart, Uncle Jimbo.
This one's yours, Stan.
- What's wrong with you?
- I don't wanna shoot it.
Hey, what's that?
Yeah, Frank? It's Randy.
Looks like we'll have to use
the old Indian fire trick.
Goddamn it, I just got that van!
How are we supposed to get home?
We are aware
of your concerns, Chef, but...
I'm not in your office.
I'm talking to you through a speaker.
What does this mean to the town?
- My God!
- Mayor, some of the school children...
You'd better get my stylist too.
Don't worry, things are under control.
What's wrong with you?
Can't you have a little alcohol?
- Have you guys heard of Skuzzlebutt?
- What butt?
On his left arm,
instead of a hand, he has...
Damn it, that's not scary!
- Stan, you wanna know what I think?
- Who? The fat kid?
Oh, man, that is nasty.
...and end their miserable lives with
excruciatingly painful, burning agony.
You can edit this, right?
Ready? Three, two, one.
Wait, there's a ram!
- What is it?
- Skuzzlebutt! Cartman wasn't lying.
- Damn, I think I missed.
- What is wrong with you people?!
If we can dig a large trench,
we can divert the lava into a canyon.
Ned, prepare some HK-1 2
and some Plasticine.
I can't tell. Kill it!
But all must take every precaution.
Natural disasters can be the cause...
Junior seems worried.
But have no fear...
Duck and cover.
Seriously, you guys!
I was trying to scare you.
You can put the gun down now!
Oh, my God, they killed Kenny!
What is this trench doing here?!
We can't get across!
Aired 23 years ago - Aug 20, 1997
Mr. Garrison starts the day off with a special announcement; one of South Park's own has won a national essay contest. Everyone is shocked to learn that the winner is Cartman, who doesn't even remember what he wrote about.
What crawls up your leg
and bites the inside of your ass?
- Mr. Garrison, this sure is exciting.
- Right, Mr. Hat.
Out of over a million papers,
Eric's was chosen as the winner.
Dude, dolphins are the second
smartest animal on the planet.
will be on television.
If I can show how much I turned South
Park around, I could become a senator!
Yes! And we can have the children
of South Park put on a play.
- How are my little crackers?
Kathie Lee is a beautiful,
sultry queen of sexual fantasy.
Have you forgotten the pain
and suffering Kathie Lee caused you?
Mr. Garrison, I'm asking you
to direct our play.
We don't believe you won
that contest fairly, fat boy.
- It's tree-hugging hippie crap.
- Tell me what you wrote!
Tired of not getting chicks?
Tired of being a 90-pound weakling?
Now available at stores everywhere.
But tomorrow is grocery day, Eric.
I have a nice body,
and I wanna show it off!
- Bulk up to what? Fat-ass?
- Super fat-ass?
Hang up the lights, string up
the banners, castrate the cows!
- Am I an Indian or a pioneer?
- You have a feather on your head?
The pioneers met with the Indians...
Do you actually think that
Kathie Lee Gifford would enjoy this?
It happened again, didn't it?
Now we do things my way.
No, you're not.
You're fatter than ever!
- Peace, Wendy.
- Shut up, Cartman!
May I suggest a Stratford 1 2 mm?
Go ahead. Try it on!
You talking to me?!
Mr. Hat, old Kathie Lee really will be
surprised when she gets here tomorrow.
- Nice gun, Mr. Garrison.
That might do quite nicely.
Thank you, Officer Barbrady.
- Guys, we have to stop him!
- Stop who?
It just so happens that I have
your paper, and I know why you won.
It is with great pride and honor
that I'd like to welcome...
You know, Kathie Lee,
you are a very special woman.
...and make sweet love
to it all night long.
What? You mean the teacher?
Wait a minute.
Damn, he could be anywhere!
I'll send out an APB.
It is with honor and pride
that I present the winner this trophy.
I've learned something today.
You can't win all the time.
Aired 23 years ago - Aug 13, 1997
While the boys are waiting for the school bus, Cartman explains the odd nightmare he had the previous night involving alien visitors abducting him from his bed. Meanwhile Kyle and Stan try to convince Cartman that the dream was in fact a reality.
What's a dildo, Kenny?
Looks like you didn't get much sleep.
Then I was on a table, and these
scary aliens wanted to operate on me.
Was it the ones with the big heads
and black eyes?
- Anal probe.
- Shut up, dildo!
- Why you walking so funny?
- Shut up!
If something happens to him,
my parents will blame me.
You have to stop this bus!
- That fat bitch won't let us.
- What did you say?!
And black Army CIA helicopters
Columbus discovered America
and was the Indians' best friend.
"Where's your brother?
You weren't looking out for him."
It's true. Ask Cartman.
They gave him an anal probe.
You go to hell and you die!
You'll have to take your seat.
Do you need to sit in the corner
until your gas is under control?
You cows have no business on a
people train, all right? You're cows.
Here, Stan, this is for you.
Here, let me sing you a little song.
It might clear things up.
- He thinks we're making it up.
- You are making it up.
It's no joke, children. This is big.
Fire drill, fire drill! Everybody out!
Okay, children, this is your chance.
- I can't, you son of a bitch!
- How do we get my brother back?
That hurts, you butt-licker!
Hey, look. I think Kenny's okay.
- Shut up, you guys.
- He's dead, Cartman.
Like Chef says, "I'm getting a piece
of loving while the getting's hot."
- You're not fat, you're big-boned.
- That's what I said.
- Sure. You want some Cheesy Poofs too?
- Yeah, I want Cheesy Poofs.
Would you get down to business
so we can find Ike?
Could it be that aliens are trying
to make contact with us on Earth?
Then I know a certain kitty-kitty
who's sleeping with Mommy tonight.
You're right. Come on, Stan.
We have to get Cartman.
All you have to do is fart
and the visitors are sure to come.
I'm sick of it!
It's completely immature!
Oh, boy, the aliens are going
to make first contact.
Visitors, you took my brother. He's
freckled and looks like a football.