Aired 13 years ago - Dec 07, 2005
Stan is embarrassed in front of his friends when his dad gets pulled over for drunk driving. In a neighboring town, a bleeding statue of Mary is discovered and the faithful are flocking to the site hoping to be healed. Stan’s dad is sure the bleeding Virgin can cure him of his disease.
Wull come on, that's impossible!
What? What did I do?!
What did I do?!
Okay children, let's take our seats.
Uh, you you shouldn't drink,
because it leads tuuuh bad things.
Well, I think we've all learned an
important lesson, haven't we, class?
"Is that who I want to be in thirty years?"
As most of you know I once lost my job
and my family because of my drinking.
I've been using the 12-step program
for about two months now and
Um, my name's Randy
and... I just, really like beer.
Because I got a DUI and so I'm required
to attend AA meetings for two weeks.
Only then can you move on
to the other 12 steps, like...
You just have to admit that there is some
kind of god which has power over you
You have a disease.
What? Did you go to your AA meeting?!
Dad, you just need to not drink so much.
It's very simple.
The statue of the Virgin Mary has
started to bleed. Out its ass.
and we wanted to see it for
ourselves and come and pray.
hoping to witness the miracle
and even cure their diseases.
I've been sober now for five years
and I've learned that drinking ice tea
And, y-you can't just go around saying
stuff like that to people like my dad.
But thanks to you people, my dad now thinks
he has a disease that he can't cure himself.
As the statue of the Virgin Mary
continues to miraculously cry blood...
The blood always comes from the same area.
Sometimes a little, sometimes a lot.
Where. I can't see.
I feel like this is my only hope.
Heeey heh, Josh Garrett.
How yo doin'?
I just, my dad was-
This is taking too long!
I'm gonna run out of beer! Stan!
I'm an alcoholic and I'm powerless over it.
I'm... not... going... to drink this.
Good morning, family. The Lord has truly
blessed us with another beautiful day.
At Whistlin' Willy's Pizza,
so you can come with me.
Boy this lemonade is great! Who knew
how fun being sober could be?!
But I put my faith in a higher power
and I haven't had a drink for five days now!
Aired 13 years ago - Nov 30, 2005
A “talking” whale inspires the fourth-graders to risk everything to return him to his family. With the police on their tails, the boys enlist the help of a foreign government and embark upon an adventure you’ll not soon forget. One in which the boys learn just how far you would go for a friend.
Why? Aren't you happy here?
And for those of you just joining us,
this is the stingray tank.
Dude, he talks!
Jambu! Jambu, I'm back!
Huhm. Jambu, you wanna
talk about rocket ships?
Come on, guys, let's leave
Kyle with his stupid whale.
You see, my name is actually Willzyx
and I'm from the moon!
You live on the moon?
They want to kill all us zypods, so they keep
us in these horrible tanks and make us perform.
Can't. Talk. Any. More.
The whale's name is Willzy-x and
he told us he's dying on our planet.
Weh-well, why didn't you tell anybody?
- Well I thought I was crazy.
We're gonna bust you out of here.
It must have been taken while
I was going to the bathroom.
Sir! Sir, we've found a note!
We'll find out who was responsible for this!
It was really funny!
The economy is stale and I...
Hi. My name's Kyle. Uh, I understand that your
country flies people into space for money.
We will just need, say,
twenty million dollars?
Kiss my ass, George Bush!
This is not funny!
We've gotta split up and
find someplace cheaper, that's all.
believe it or not, dozens of people have come
to show support for whoever took the whale.
One thing for certain: something is
certainly FISHY here at the Sea Park. Tom?
Will you relax? Those kids said
they were from South Park.
Do you think somebody's been using it?
We're too late.
They've moved on to another town!
I'm telling you, we're close.
It's going to be funny!
Whales are mammals: they don't
need water to breathe, dumbass.
Hello? Jimmy, any luck
at the Chinese Embassy?
Yeah... He must be really sick.
Uh, excuse me, we're looking for the Mexican
Aeronautica y Spacia Administrashown?
Flow, sí, sumi.
Oh yes, that's my bubbe.
Kind of a bad drawing though.
My little bubbe is very caring.
I'm going as fast as I can.
You kids told me you
won that whale at Pizza Hut!
I know you're sick, but you could do it!
You're not goin' anywhere!
You're in a lot of trouble!
These boys are trying to get that
whale home! You're not gonna stop them!
Jesus, Oh God!
Forty-five to dispatch...
Look! The Mexican border!
Kyle, it's all set to go!
Just get Willzyx into the water!
Aired 13 years ago - Nov 16, 2005
Religious leaders recognize Stan as the second coming and a whole soap opera unfolds with the help of a famous R&B singer. The results of Stan’s personality test reveal that he’s depressed. While Stan looks to a new religion for answers, the church
leaders recognize Stan as the second coming. Some A-List Hollywood celebrities join the faithful who have set up camp right in front of Stan’s house.
Ohhh Jesus, the answer is no, Stanley.
why don't you take what you
have out of your bicycle savings?!
It's the beginning of a whole new
life for you, Stan. See ya afterwards.
Mr. Hubbard discovered
that negative emotions
I'll be taking readings here
and take hold of the E-meter handles.
Brian, could you come
over here a second?
Well, that sounds pretty reasonable, m'kay.
He registered OT9!
I took out the garbage yesterday.
It is... a great honor to meet you!
Look, we don't want our son
to join your group, okay?
Do you believe me now?
Haven't you enjoyed my acting?
Hundreds of onlookers
here have gathered here in
Nobody's gonna be mad,
everything's gonna be all right.
Nobody has no answers
Wasn't L. Ron Hubbard
a science-fiction writer?
Please, your son deserves to be enlightened.
you have to be in the church
for several years, Stan.
which was ruled over
by the evil Lord Xenu.
The frozen alien bodies were loaded
onto Xenu's galactic cruisers
The souls of those aliens,
however, lived on
There the souls were forced to watch
days of brainwashing material
which still to this day
causes all our fears
Neither did L. Ron when he started.
Kate's not gonna think
any differently of you.
the reincarnation of L. Ron
Hubbard doesn't like your acting.
Stan, I just want you to know
Mm-maybe you took what
he said out of context.
Hey, it's really nice n here.
I'm gonna cap this biiitch!
And best of all, I wrote that
all the Scientologists
You don't actually believe
this crap, do you?
Having them PAY you for it, stupid!
But this is a scam on a global scale!
Park County police have
decided to try a new method.
But everyone wants you
out the closet.
Aired 13 years ago - Nov 09, 2005
Cartman suffers from a mysterious and sudden on-set of the disease, Gingervitus. Sick and tired of being ripped-on because he now has red hair, light skin and freckles, he rallies all ginger kids everywhere to fight against discrimination.
Can I ask you a few questions?
I'm sorry, but I don't understand.
You both have dark hair and brown eyes.
A lot of people carry the ginger gene and don't know.
I know a guy who's marrying a Japanese woman
very soon for just that reason.
but by the melanins which control the pigment
in all of our skins. Thank you.
Informative if you want to die.
And one night, when you're all sleepin' in your room,
the gingers are gonna getcha.
Yeah. Go on, beat it, re... rr-retard!
We're gonna teach that fat bastard a lesson!
Yes, I'm afraid that your son is suffering from gingervitus.
I for one can't stand red-haired, freckled kids,
but you need to understand, there is no cure.
Is that an umbrella you're using?
Hm. I don't really see the irony in that, Kyle.
Dude, this is going awesome.
What are you doing?
Guys! Okay, look, maybe I'm ginger, but... I'm not
like other ginger kids. I'm still me inside.
We did it guys. We finally taught Cartman a lesson.
we're thought of as somehow less important,
and it's bullcrap!
Right! Ron Howard! And uh... Aaaaand...
We are the noble descendants of great Americans
like Ron Howard, and ...others!
Better red than dead!
Joining me now is the gingers' head spokesperson, Eric Cartman.
And pretending to be ginger with makeup
is the worst thing anybody can do!
you can attend their first meeting this Friday
in the Sunset Room at the Airport Hilton.
Now it is my honor to introduce the man who
has brought self-respect to gingers, Eric Cartman!
Hate for awesome people like us.
You're welcome!! Now leave us alone!!
Now go! Go out into the night and take non-ginger kids
from their homes!
Dude, we're gonna go sneak into Cartman's
and change him back into a non-ginger!
You know, Cartman is an uncaring, bigoted intolerant asshole,
but I have to admit, I had my own prejudice about gingers.
More ginger kids.
Um, meh-maybe we should just go home.
Ginger kids! Nooo!
Get this jamb on the door!
You guys got everything you need in here?
Need more coffee, buffet items?
We will start... with the daywalker!
Aired 13 years ago - Nov 02, 2005
Mrs. Garrison realizes he still has feelings for Mr. Slave. But, Mr. Slave has moved on. He plans to marry his new love as soon as the Governor signs the same-sex marriage bill. Mrs. Garrison leads the charge against gay marriage.
That's, that's wonderful, Mr. Garrison!
Mr. Slave, I am legally a woman now!
If you wanna get married, you have to marry ME!
We'll just see about this, you fudge-packin' fags!!
We figure that way it'll be easier to keep safe so we can get an A.
I've been looking after it all day.
I have to go to the hair salon and the candy store!
Well I say: Marriage is a holy sacrament
between a man and a woman!
And there is only one way for us, all together,
to make that messeage very clear!
Well uh, we were thinkin' we would, you know,
just go appeal to the Governor
then this bill gets passed and now all the people
against it want me to veto it
Well, think of the children!
But, if you had such a study, a scientific study which
proved same-sex couples are incapable of raising a child...
Oh great. It's a pretty easy project.
Kyle's really good with the egg.
You've all been doing a great job taking care of your eggs,
but now we're going to mix it up a little.
Come on, Bebe.
We'll take your egg for you and Wendy to look after.
Hoh now, what makes you say that, Wendy?
I'm sure two boys can handle an egg just fine...
Okay, there. Now we can carry this egg around
in this case without it getting cracked.
Wendy, I just wanna get an A, okay?
Maybe I don't need your help!
Okay, children, it's Wednesday!
Time for an official egg check! Heidi and Eric?
Look at the freak egg! It has two daddies!
Same-sex couples from all over the state
have shown up in support,
People in the gay community want the same rights as married
couples, but dissenters don't want the word "marriage" corrupted.
You broke your egg??
Uh but you're partnered with a girl.
No. That's why I'm here.
I think you should still give Heidi an A on the project.
We'll pretend this never happened, all right?
and burn down your house!
Do you hear me?!
Who do you want me to kill?
What do you expect me to do with it?
Aah, you'd like that, wouldn't you?!
I took care of this egg, Kyle, not you!
And I'm gonna hold it up in front of Wendy, and say
"See?! I'm every bit as good as Kyle is."
I don't. She's totally lame.
It was really important for me to get an A, Stan.
Stan... Do you really think my hat is stupid?
As some of you know, my biggest issue
with gay marriage regards child-rearing.
Aired 13 years ago - Oct 26, 2005
The 4th grade girls are having a sleepover. It’s imperative that the boys find out what goes on behind those closed doors. Butters is picked to be the boy who must fake his death, become a girl and infiltrate this age-old feminine tradition.
All right, gentlemen, our containment center for
the timewall is nearly complete.
If we... can get somebody invited to that slumber party,
One of us is gonna have to go undercover, show up in school
tomorrow disguised as the new girl who just moved to town
Take your top man, fake his death, then send him
in disguised as the enemy.
N'aw geez! Now I'm gonna get grounded, too.
And he shall be remembered as the peaceful
little boy who warmed his parent's hearts.
NOOOOOO!! NOOOOOO!! BUTTERS!!
Now I know that we're all still in deep, deep mourning
over the tragic death of our classmate, Butters
Welcome to our school, Marjorine.
I like dancin', an' and ponies, a-a-and getting
my snootch pounded on Friday night.
I'm sure all the other girls will be happy to show you
around the school. Won't you, girls?
I know, sweetie,
but I got a call from Marjorine's mother.
Oh Butters! Oh Butters,
I miss you so much!
Bring him back?
Why... What are you talking about?
It's been done before, what you're thinkin' of.
The Nelson boy, back in '85.
All right, Butters, that's Heidi's house.
Now look, Butters, when the girls bring out the
future-telling device, pay attention to how it works
There's not gonna be any drinking, no pot, and most importantly,
if I catch any boys anywhere near this party, they're gonna
be in a world of hurt.
Light as a feather, stiff as a board.
AAAAAAAAAAH NOO! Witches! You're all witches!
Yeah, and your hair is totally stupid!
She's in the bathroom crying.
Hey, we didn't mean it.
Marjorine, you just have a different look, that's all.
We just... we need to help you bring out your inner beauty.
Come on, we gotta go check on him
Working on what?! Your dance moves?!
Well uh you know, it's easy. You just put your
thumbs and index fingers in here...
Stand back! I had a... great time tonight,
but I gotta do what I was sent here to do!
No! That darn device is nothin' but trouble! Ah I'm done,
and I'm goin' home to tell my Mom and Dad I'm not dead!
Stephen, you did what??
Not like this. He wouldn't be our son, Stephen.
He would be a walking abomination.
Gentlemen, this is a historic day for all of boy- and mankind!
In a few moments, we will know the future
I'm askin' the first question!
Let's just start with something simple.
Guys, guys, guys, stop!
Aired 13 years ago - Oct 19, 2005
A global warming state of emergency is declared in South Park. The world’s largest beaver dam breaks and floods the adjacent town of Beaverton. As the victims wait for help to arrive, everyone in South Park tackles priority number one: who is to blame? Only Stan and Cartman know who’s really at fault.
Oh my gosh, those poor people!
Any word on how the survivors in the town are doing, Mitch?
No, no we haven't actually seen it,
Tom, we're just reporting it.
Yeah! George Bush doesn't care about beavers!
they-they're gonna go help those people, right?
That's not important right now, son.
What's important is figuring out whose fault this is.
Dude, I-I just.. I-I don't know what to do here.
Hey dudes. Sorry I couldn't make it yesterday.
What did you guys do?
But now, shocking new evidence has indicated that
the flood in Beaverton was caused by... Global warming!
We were warned this would happen, and.. we didn't listen.
We didn't listen!
then this is only the beginning.
My colleagues in the scientific community are still running tests,
but - we believe it may happen the day after tomorrow.
but the fact is no statistical proof has ever been confirmed
that global warming exists.
Listen! Listen! We finished running the tests.
No Stan, I'm afraid us adults just let you children down.
We didn't take care of our Earth,
and now you've inherited our problems.
I'm in pretty bad shape. My leg is broken,
and my left boob is leaking.
This is a Fox news update: Global warming disaster!
Already we're reporting that the death toll here in Chicago
is over six hundred billion people.
Can you believe it Stan? I never thought global warming
could happen so fast. I guess... I didn't listen.
why don't you share some of your Jew gold
with the people caught in the flood?
But.. we need supplies - food, silicone.
All we can do is try to wait it out, as long as we can.
The south western states might have a chance,
but New York will have tidal waves that will envelope
all of the north east.
Oh, oh God damn it!
Why haven't they come for us?
Dad, we-we're trapped in Beaverton,
we were trying to save everyone.
You just stay put son. I'm coming for you.
Do you hear me? I'm coming for you!
Let me go, too.
Feeling warm is a symptom of the last stages of hypothermia.
Maybe we should strip our jackets off..
and warm our bodies next to each other?
Sir, more people in Beaverton are calling.
They say they're trapped in floods and fire now.
We've just compiled some new information. The flood in
Beaverton wasn't caused by global warming after all.
Oh well, thank you so much.
What a swift and speedy resuce.
I have no idea what you're talking about.
Dude we don't have time for your stupid jokes,
we're gonna die!
Aired 14 years ago - Apr 20, 2005
All the kids are getting ready for the big South Park Elementary Talent Show and Jimmy can’t wait to perform his new comedy routines. But lately, just like generations of little boys before him, Jimmy’s noticed that one of his body parts has a mind
of its own. Knowing he can’t get up in front of the entire school in an excited state, Jimmy must find a way to gain control of his raging hormones in time to perform in the show.
I love being in front of everyone.
No room at the inn, Virgin Mary.
Why you must be excited!
You'll probably win like always.
But we know it's something you might have
a hard time talking about.
But I have to make it stop!
The talent show is this F-Friday.
"Martha Stewart Living,
with an electronic ankle bracelet."
I'm just practicin' for the talent show.
So, when your penis becomes hard,
you're supposed to put in in a lady's vagina.
Oh, hey Jimmy.
What's goin' on?
Ye-you have to ask her on a date, take
her out for some Italian food.
Why sure, they do this all
the time in movies and TV shows.
My name is Roma.
Wow, that is very interesting. Please tell me more.
It's like I told Debbie:
Yeah. I mean, no other boys really
communicate like you do.
Okay, first up we have Billy Turner,
from the third grade,
Then why does God make it so
that my penis gets hard
M-maybe I can catch the bus
...and get down there before the talent show ends.
Women walk the street with corns
on their feets
Welcome to Buca de Fagghecini for
the authentic experienso Italiano.
I can't eat too much, I'lve got
an infected urinary tract.
You are very insightful.
Please tell me more.
The talent show is happening right now!
Let's get to r-r-rammin'!
Follow that pimp and ho!
No no nono no,
Our next act is Butters, who will be singing a song
Oh Jesus, not now.
You need people like me!
I'm sorry I resorted to calling
you jackass just now,
Aired 14 years ago - Apr 13, 2005
Butters is freaked out when he thinks he can communicate with the dead. Although his parents have made it clear to him there are no such things as ghosts, Butters is sure one is haunting him. Butters knows he has to give up his ghost pal or be put into a mental institution.
No, I can't be dead.
Cartman isn't our friend anymor
Token, Token, I'm here!
Dead and... still wandering
the earth a lost soul.
How can my own God forsake me?!
Well, jeez Eric, why wouldn't I be able to hear you?
But if you're d-dead, how come I can see you?
Just one teaspoon of super-AIDS in your butt
and you're dead in three years.
Butters, what is going on?!
Well... how do you know you're
not supposed to go to... you know...
This is your problem, Butters!
Tell her, tell her that I wish...
God forgave the Jews,
you should be able to forgive him!
we'll think he's changed and let him back into our circle.
Well, well, you know,
took a crap in the principal's purse...
I'm gonna make, make it right.
Wanted from me all along.
Gonna make it right, girl,
I've got to have your lovin' tonight!
Yes, Butters, my soul is finally at peace.
I want my eternal bliss!
Do you think this is funny, God?!
Your son is suffering from severe dementia.
Don't worry, Mr. Stotch.
Whatever traumatized yoru son in his past, we'll find it.
when the brain wants to cover something up,
it makes up images and sounds for you to hear.
Wuh I hate my stupid psychotic brain!
Have a seat and tell me what it is you seek.
because God is intending to use that soul for a divine purpose,
Well, he's sittin' next to me right now.
Three convicted murderers have escaped from jail
and are holding twelve people at the Red Cross!
This is what I'm here to stop.
Come on, Butters.
Aired 14 years ago - Apr 06, 2005
If the boys can lose just one baseball game, it gets them out of playing the boring sport for the entire summer.
Well yeah, but... we usually win.
Okay, so then we'll just tell the other team
quietly that we're gonna let them win,
We want to welcome all South Park parents to Fort Collins,
and the Little League Division One Playoffs.
Then we have to keep playing this boring game!
No, we're gonna get creamed!
I can take him, no problem.
Well I thought he was gonna throw
a ball that time!
Fort Collins can't play!
Strike three. You're out.
How the hell was that a strike?!
Goddamnit, he's going to first!
Can you believe it, boys?!
We're playing in the State Championship Game!
Then we'll spend the whole summer going to
Nebraska, and to Iowa, and Wyoming.
Yeah. Then we'd have to play this boring game all summer.
Oho, well, I'm sure some of the Denver kids'
parents would disagree with you and your team-
He goes to every game in that ridiculous outfit
and usually drinks too much and gets into a fight.
Iii am the ultimate Little League trash-talking father!
Good luck! You're gonna need it.
So what we need... is to find somebody
to join our team, who totally sucks ass.
Well, you said you needed my help to win the big game, so here I am.
I've lost the edge.
Here we go, Denver!
These South Park kids got nothin' on you!
Keep running, kid!
Oh my God... their pitcher was
able to hit him right on the bat.
All right, Denver! You're up to bat now!
Oh Jesus, we're gonna win!
Aired 14 years ago - Mar 30, 2005
Kenny is the only one of his friends to get the newest, coolest portable gaming device and Cartman can’t deal with it. Will they remain best friends forever?
You're dead, but, your death was no accident.
Heaven needs you.
Satan is planning a massiva attack
and he knows we are too few in number to stop him!
The Dark Lord knows that our armies
are few in number, and unorgamized.
The child did something none of us could:
Reach lever sixty on the PSP.
They are... ten billion in number.
Basically, Kenny, you... are Keanu Reeves.
My fellow damned souls!
Do not fear, my Lord.
Your army is great!
It is from here, Kenny, that you shall
command the armies of heaven.
The time is at hand, Kenny.
Amazing, doctor! You've revived somebody
who's been legally dead for almost a day!
It's a miracle... Kenny, you're alive.
But his soul is still in here.
With it we can actually keep Kenny
the tomato alive for years.
The child's soul is now trapped
inside his vegetative body.
Are we in trouble or something?
Dudes, you were the friends a guy could have.
It is only because I feel so sorry for you
that I leave you my Sony PSP.
Your army nears the Kingdon of Heaven, my Lord.
Full march, to the Gates of Heaven!
Victory is ours!
He's alive. He-ee smiles when
I talk to him. I think...
Kenny told me this one time, that he wouldn't
wanna be kept alive via feeding tube.
No! There is another.
Gabriel and Uriel, you go down to Earth
and try to get that feeding tube removed.
You see your honor, I was the only one that
Kenny McCormick told his wishes to.
This is hopeless, Gabriel. We cannot interact with anything on Earth,
how could we possibly get a feeding tube removed?
Good. Now all we must do is pray nobody interferes
with the child's death a second time.
This is HBC News. A right-to-die case debate
is heating up in Colorado,
You bureaucrats have no right to
play God and take that tube out!
We must respect the wishes of people's BFFs.
The feeding tube has been pulled!
I will do what we always do: Use the Republicans.
Who are we to decide if Kenny should live or die?
The biggest battle of all time is about to begin:
the battle of the feeding tube.
If I should ever be in a vegetative state
and kept alive on life support, please...
Oh geez. Maybe we let this thing get out of hand.
Aired 14 years ago - Mar 23, 2005
As talent agents, Cartman, Stan, Kyle and Kenny can bank 10% of their client’s earnings. After they pool all their resources to impress their one and only client, another agency steals him away. Desperate to earn their money back, they take on another client with plans to launch her on a new reality show.
I'm supposed to be home by 3:30.
Guys, you remember Token.
He's thinking about becoming a client.
Excuse me just a second, Token.
Abraham Lincoln has been dead for two hundred years!
We were at why I should give you ten percent.
Well, I guess that makes sense.
You just do all the singing, all the performing
all the entertaining,and leave the rest to us.
Here to sing for our sixteen lucky finalists,
the winner of the Colorado Child Star Contest,
And there's no one else!
You were awesome, Token!
Don Heisman, Creative Arts Agency in Los Angeles.
Token, you signed with us!
I'm gonna be a homeless drug addict from now on!
You've ...already done all the work?
Oh, don't worry about her.
She a very dericate little flower.
We smuggled your wife into
the United States for you.
We taking her to Los Angeles, where she will work
in massage parlor.until she works off the debt.
My shitty chicken!
- Oh crap!
- Dude, how long is the wait?
Tonight, two people will compete for glory.
Mr. Stallone says he's sorry it couldn't
go better for you back there.
Thanks, Mr. Stallone.
We're just sorry she wasn't a better boxer.
And don't be late.
If that big CAA talent agency finds out she has work,
they're gonna try to steal her away from us again.
It's an age-old business,
and nobody has the guts to stop us.
You assholes stole our client!
They killed Kenny!
This woman has a contract with us! We own her!
Aired 14 years ago - Mar 16, 2005
Cartman seeks to rid the world of hippies once and for all.
This is a really nice town you have here. That's why
the corporations are trying to use you to take it down.
All right, in you go.
Just go with it? We've been down here for days!
Somebody's gotta help this world o'mine...
Mom, the mall is a way for the corporate
fatcats to imprison you into a life of servitude.
For the past several days I've been...
noticing a steep rise in the number of hippies coming to town.
They'er thriving, if you will. I think that
they're setting up for a... hippie music festival.
In my professional opinion... I think we're looking at a full-blown
hippie jam festival the size of which we've never seen.
But I can't contain them on my own anymore.
We have to do something, fast!
I knew you were trying to have a hippie jam festival!
All right, everyone pack up your crap, we're going to our basement!
What is your problem?
Get lost, little Eichmann.
I was just over at your house and freed sixty-three
people you had locked in your basement.
- What did I do?!
- You can't kidnap people and lock them in your basement.
That kid really needs some psychiatric help.
Thousands of people have descended
on South Park for a hippie music jam festival.
Sooo great to see sooo many people turn
out to make an impact on on the world!
Don't forget that we were both considered
hippies back in the '60s.
This is South Park News!
We don't know where this music festival came from,
but, it's very close to consuming us all.
Randy! Randy, you've got to get out of here!
If they just trample this park, we'll be trapped! It's too dangerous!
Let me guess: they've started
a hippie jam band music festival.
We know you can do it, Eric. You're smart.
Wha- why you're the smartest kid in school, m'kay?
Unless of course it's the new Tonka
radio-controlled play bulldozer.
Well, we can promise not to buy one for Kyle,
but we we can't make him watch you play th...
parking lot where Kyle has to watch me
and get super-jealous because he doesn't have one!
Yeah, we'll have one guy who like, who like, makes bread.
A-and one guy who like, l-looks out for other people's safety.
You kids just haven't been to college yet.
But just you wait, this thing is about to get huge.
My only hope is to fight our way to
the center of the crowd, and reach the heart, here.
Along with me I'm gonna need a scientest,
an engineer, and of course,
Lessee, anyone would do, anyone who meets the qualifications, let's see...
Look, it's a long shot!
But it's also the only shot we-
Some call it a suicide mission, but the heroic men
and women of the hippie digger may be our only hope of survival.
Ah I will, Mom.
We're using the power of rock and roll
to change the world!
He's right. It's time for all of us to focus our energy
and get this hippie jam into full swing.
Aired 14 years ago - Mar 09, 2005
Mr. Garrison goes to great lengths to get what he’s always wanted…a sex change. As he enjoys his new womanly attributes, the rest of the town gets in touch with their inner feelings too. Meanwhile, Kyle wrestles with the fact that Jews just aren’t good at basketball.
Well, it's just that... Jew's can't play basketball.
You-hoo-hoo-hoo loh-ost! Hahahahahaaahaaa!
Look at that, I'm peeing sittin'
down like a dainty dignified little woman.
You guys, Mr. Garrison has titties.
What? Th'um, nuh-nothing.
I- I'll explain it to you when you're a little older.
Gerald, that is very closed-minded of you!
You shouldn't judge people who want to change.
And so, they can have a surgery that makes
them more into the person they see themselves as.
Yeah. My school teacher wanted to be a woman,
and you made him into one.
What we do is slice your face and peel it back so
we can insert now pig-ment producing cells inside.
And we finish it off with a nice peniplasty
to enhance the genitalia.
Hello, Mr. Slave. Boy have I been busy.
A woman's work is never done.
Would you like to take this beautiful woman to bed?
Well, I ASSUMED you supported me.
It's still me; I just have a vagina instead of a penis.
- How can you say that?! You're gay too!
- I'm not gay! I'm a woman!
The doctor who gave Mr. Garrison his sex change
said he can make me tall and black.
This is what your transgender progressive thinking gets you!
Now your son wants to be transracial!
My body doesn't reflect who I am inside.
- Oh, that does it!
- Where are you going?!
What kind of nutjob would agree to surgically
alter my son into a tall African-American?!
I love dolphins, Ever since I was a child I dreamt of...
But that has hardly any bearing on what I'm hear to-
If I could swim with the dolphins, the soft and gentle dolphins...
Why can't I swim with the dolphins?
There's nothing crazy about a person wanting to look
on the outside the way they feel on ths inside.
Oh jeez, should I do it?! Should I do it?!
Oh what the hell!
Men are all the same.
My boyfriend walked out on me! Turns out he was a fag.
Sheila, ih-it was wrong of us to be so judgmental of Kyle.
All I did is change my appearance
to look the way I felt... here.
My dad is even gonna take me back down to
the all-star game to see if I can try out for the team again!
You here for an abortion too? Yeah, I discovered a few days
ago I wasn't bleedin' out my coo, so I guess I'm knocked up.
- ...an abortion?
- Yeah, I've got one growing inside me.
Don't you tell me what I can and can't do with my body!
A woman has a right to choose!
You mean, I'll never know what it feels like to have
a baby growing inside me and then scramble its brains and vacuum it out?
...Oh boy, do I feel like a jackass.
You made me into a FREAK is what you did!
And I want you to change me back!
And your scrotum has been made into
a dorsal fin for a man who wanted to look more like a dolphin.
and the best fourth-grade players from Wyoming.
- All right! Dad, I can play!
- All right Kyle!
- Boys, have you seen Kyle?! He's not at home.
- Kyle went down to play in the basketball game, Mrs. Garrison.
Those testicles in his knees are ticking time balls!
Well where the hell am I supposed to go to the bathroom?
I I need a large tank with salt water.
- Sorry ma'am, no tickets, no entry.
- Look, there's a boy with my balls in his knees and he's in serious danger!