Aired 17 years ago - Dec 17, 2003
When Ike is claimed by his Canadian birth parents, the boys set out to gain an audience with the Canadian Prime Minister. Meanwhile, Cartman's biggest concern is that the boys don't spend all of Christmas in Canada.
Come on, Peter, we should get going.
My mom just walks around the house like a zombie, and my dad can't stop crying.
Maybe you can get your brother back some other way.
Three! Two! One! Yaaaaay!
How about, we get rid of all the Mexicans?
...in hopes that they may someday have their child returned to them.
Everyone's gonna be charitable and give money to your family instead of buying Christmas presents!!
I'm sorry you guys, but there is something we can do.
We'll get back in time for a Christmas adventure.
Looks like I might as well close.
Herro, Shitty Airrines. Can I help you take ur orda prease?
How about fifty daura?
That means we have to be back in twenty-eight hours to still give our patents twenty-four hours to buy us presents.
If your seats have seatbelts, this is the time you will fasten them.
You guys, I don't think we're in America anymore.
What brings you folks to Canada? Why are you here today?
Well, you aren't welcome here! Get out now!
The new Prime Minister doesn't live in this part of Canada. He's in Ottawa.
There's only one road in Canada.
And remember to watch out for Scott! He's a dick!
It's his strange new laws that took our horses away. Perhaps I will go with you.
All right boys, prepare yourselves. We're about to enter... French Canada.
We have everyzing your heart could desire.
We don't have time for this.
How can ze French not drink wine?? Travestie!
I think you'd understand.
We must be very close now.
I'm Steve the Newfoudlander.
He sure has screwed up things for Newfoundland.
Ohh, that's right. Ottawa is that way.
Ah yes, let's wish ourselves there.
So you might as well go home. Good-bye!
Prime Minister, these are the child's Canadian parents!
Aired 17 years ago - Dec 10, 2003
In an effort to find some closure in breaking up with Wendy, the boys take Stan to Raisins (a junior Hooters) so he can forget about her. Meanwhile, a trip to Raisins does big things for Butters, as he falls in love with a waitress.
SHE'S A CONTINUING SOURCE
INSPIRATION TO ME.
WELL, TELL STAN
TO ( bleep ) OFF !
♪ I'M ALL OUT OF LOVE
I'M SO LOST WITHOUT YOU ♪
WHAT'S THE POINT
SIX OF YOU ?
RIGHT OVER HERE.
JESUS CHRIST, I THINK I'VE DIED
AND GONE TO H-H-HEAVEN.
UM, GET US THE ZINGY TINGY
WINGS AND MOZZARELLA TASTY TOTS
THAT RAISINS GIRL IS REALLY
CUTE, HUH ?!
♪ IT'S FUN
TO STAY AT THE... ♪
OH MY GOD, THIS ONE TIME, I SAW
A BEETLE THAT WAS THIS BIG !
WHEN DO YOU WANT
TO SEE ME ?!
GIRLS OUT THERE.
SOMETHING I SHOULD HAVE DONE
A LONG TIME AGO.
ALL THIS TIME I'VE BEEN TRYING
TO HAVE MY FRIENDS DO ALL
HOLD A BOOM BOX UP OVER YOUR
HEAD AND PLAY PETER GABRIEL.
♪ SHOCK THE MONKEY
SHOCK THE MONKEY ♪
( Lexus )
SEE YOU TOMORROW !
THANKS AGAIN FOR THE BIG TIP,
YOU ARE SUCH A SWEETIE.
COME ON STAN, WE'RE
GONNA TO PLAY DODGE BALL.
WHO DRESS IN BLACK AND TALK
ABOUT PAIN ALL THE TIME !
WHO NEEDS THAT
KEN AND BARBIE LOVE, ANYWAY ?
DRUNKEN BASTARD DOESN'T EVEN
KNOW I EXIST,
BUT IF LIFE IS ONLY PAIN,
WE HAVE THINGS LIKE HOOLA-HOOPS,
SILLY STRING AND WATER GUNS
BETWEEN $5 AND $20.
HEY, CUTIE !
HAPPINESS DIES IN THE DEEP,
DADDY AND I JUST GOT YOUR
BIRTHDAY PRESENT !
( telephone ringing )
HI, CUTIE !
HEY, HEY, SWEETIE, I WAS
THINKING TONIGHT YOU COULD
HEE HEE !
OH MY GOSH !
AND SHE'S A GIRL,
YOU SEE, I TOLD YOU
HE WOULDN'T TURN OUT GAY !
HAVE FUN IN YOUR RAT RACE LIFE,
I'M BREATHING DEEP THE DARKNESS
THAT ENVELOPES MY SOUL.
I'M NOT GONNA LIVE
IN A THIRD WORLD COUNTRY
FINE, THAT'S IT, I GIVE UP,
HAVE FUN BEING MISERABLE.
RIGHT THIS WAY.
FOR HOW YOU LOOK,
YOU SHOULD BE LEARNING A SKILL,
MOM, DAD, THIS IS LEXUS !
AND SO IF YOU
CAN'T BE HAPPY FOR US,
Aired 17 years ago - Dec 03, 2003
After seeing an auditorium presentation on the dangers of smoking (and in some ways, not smoking), the boys light up behind the school and are soon caught in the middle of Rob Reiner's Anti-Tobacco campaign.
Just Like Us.
Nothin' Na- Due-nothing.
Uh, smokin's bad, m'kay.
M'kay, and uh, eh, what? What the?
Well, you boys have certainly done it this time!
You'd better brace yourself, parents. The boys were caught... smoking!
Three weeks?! Are you fucking kidding me?
...the tobacco companies are there to fill our childrens' heads with lies and propaganda that make them wanna smoke.
We need the help of the greatest anti-smoking celebrity that ever lived.
I forced smokers out of bars and parks,
According to the letter, sir, the town has a tobacco company quite near them.
I will not stand by and see the children of America corrupted by those bastards!
Well it's just that, eh, this seems like another one of those times when things are gonna get way out of hands, you know?
We're gonna use these children to bring the tobacco companies down!
The tobacco companies lie to you about the dangers of smoking.
Look man, I work fourteen hours a day at the saw mill. I just got off work and I need to relax.
And I'm not gonna tolerate it! I will end smoking in bars in Colorado!
All right boys, just do what I tell ya and we'll be able to sue this tobacco company for two billion dollars!
These tobacco company people will do anything to get you hooked on smoking.
Within seven years it was one of the country's largest exports.
Nobody was even aware of any dangers back then, until, in 1965,
And here's our factory at work.
It makes me fee-l calmer when the day is at an end.
Don't you try and stop us!
Now you kids can meet some good, decent people, the folks who work to get smoking banned!
This is how we get rid of smokers. We go state to state and do things like, use bogus studies and make extensive commercials to get the public on our side and force cigarette smokers to stop!
Now, all we have to do is Photoshop cigarettes into your hands!
Oh my God, that is what I've always said. I love this guy!
Boys, I need one of you to act in a commercial for us! We'll shoot it tomorrow!
So, heh gentlemen, looks like only one of us gets to be in the commercial, huh?
Oh, I know what you're gonna say next. You're gonna say,
...and that means they're dangerous.
All you gotta do is read the words on the TelePrompTer here.
The tobacco companies say there's no proof that second-hand smoke kills.
And cut! Great! We got it!
But you are. Just eat this one cupcake. It has... sprinkles.
The anti-smoking people!
Anti-smoking people are trying to kill Cartman and he won't stay away from us.
Aired 17 years ago - Nov 19, 2003
A new student, Gary Harrison, joins the 4th grade. Gary is a Mormon from Utah. The children decide he needs to get his ass kicked, and they choose Stan to do it. After an awkward exchange of words, Stan is invited to Gary's house, where he learns all about Mormons.
It's so nice to meet you.
Doesn't your family ever do that?
All right, kids, now how about we do some Scripture readings!
Tell us the story of Joseph Smith, Dad.
Dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb
Hey, Joseph! I told my wife that you spoke with God and Jesus, and she didn't believe it.
And they said I should start my own church, because none of the others had it right.
Yes. Long ago all Native American were white.
These are the Native Americans you know today.
Find it, and fulfill your destiny.
Ooo, the Rice Crispy squares are done!
Oh, did he now?! What are they, religious kooks?!
Where are you going?
Yeah, are you Mr. Harrison?
Well, thanks. Uh...
Look, uh, I actually came over because I'm a little concerned about some of the things you told my son.
We just moved here from Utah and we're so used to everyone being Mormon that we...
Who was this Joseph Smith guy?
I found them! I found them!
I dug around all morning where the angel had told me to look.
This must be the Gospel that Jesus told the Nephites!
You see, after I found the plates, the angel Moroni appeared to me again
Dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb
Not exactly. We're uh, having their family over for dinner tomorrow night.
I think there's something to that religion.
Aww, you guys. I think Stan's in love.
Awww, look at them. Aren't they so cute together?
I'm an alien.
We'd miss you too, Gary. Heh.
Uh, that's cool. We're gonna leave you two lovebirds alone.
Yyeah. I had a question about that Joseph Smith guy.
Mr. Harris, can you keep a secret?
They're not rocks. They're seer stones, given to me by an angel.
Now, when I put the seer stones into the hat,
"And... so... it... was... that... Christ... appeared before... the... Nephites."
One two three four. "Pay one thousand dollars property tax."
It's just that... the Book of Mormon says a lot of strange stuff,
My son was having a little problem with our new religion.
Well, you remember Martin Harris, the rich man who wrote down what Joseph Smith read out of the hat?
A-and so Joseph Smith put his head into a hat, a-and read to me what the golden plates said.
Martin Harris dumb dadumb-
Aired 17 years ago - Nov 12, 2003
Kyle is going to Casa Bonita for his birthday, but he can only bring three friends. He chooses Stan, Kenny, and Butters. Cartman, outraged by not being chosen, comes up with a plan to take Butters out of the picture.
I was wondering if you could tell me, how "do" you act nice to people?
Kyle is my friend! And if you say you had sex with his mom one more time,
I know we argue all the time and I give you tons of crap, but we've also been through a, a lot together, and...
Eh... hey, Cartman?
A meteor. A meteor the size of Wyoming, heading right for earth.
Oh wait. Oh my God! I see it. I see it! It's a meteor! Oh my God!
10 to the power of 1 base 9 divided by pi plus 5 minus 3.
Wha...? Where is there a bomb shelter??
No! Butters! I can't let you risk it.
I'll go up and get the others.
Well, you know, with your wiener.
Where is Butters? We were supposed to leave here forty minutes ago.
Well, thank you. Uh, please, let us know if you find out anything.
I think Butters would want us to go. You know Butters...
Yeah. And then we can try the football field.
He's been missing for two days and was last seen at the school. Let's go find him.
When it hit, millions were evaporated instantly.
We can't come down there, or else, we'll contaminate you, Butters.
I've got to go. Remember, wait one week for the toxic levels to go down. On Saturday.
All right, folks. I wanna thank you for all your efforts.
Many times in cases like these a child can trap themselves.
Who's coming this way?
Oh oh no wait, I forgot! The toxic radiation!
Are we out in the destruction?
A hole in the Earth over two miles in diameter.
Stay away from Butters! He's humanity's last hope!
I'll pull out the axe and use it to chop off the cannibal's head. Hunh!
Look! There's an old refrigerator!
Only three more days till Casa Bonita.
Hello? Oh. That must have been where the library was. And that was probably the school.
Oh. Aww, it's a little dog. Well, hello there, Mr. Dog.
I think we should go through Black Bart's Cave right away 'cause, we're gonna wanna do it seven or eight times.
Birthday to you. Happy Birthday dear Kyle. Happy Birthday to you. .
That means we can repopulate the earth. Yippee!
Well ma'am, I guess we should start repopulatin' the earth, huh?
The town is right over there, everybody is fine, and I think they've been looking for you for over a week.
Aired 17 years ago - Nov 05, 2003
Due to a rise in deaths due to senior citizens behind the wheel, the State of Colorado has revoked all the driver licenses of senior citizens. Soon after, the AARP shows up to fight for the rights of their comrades.
There's Country Kitchen right there!
Another death tonight by a senior citizen motorist.
Public outcry is forcing the DMV to consider suspending the licenses of all seniors over seventy,
I'm sick of having my mental condition come into question!
...can anybody remember what we're pissed off about?
Oooo. Was it the kids skateboarding on the sidewalks? No?
I'm sick of having my mental condition come into question!
I think we should have a senior citizens' meeting!
Right. To get those damn kids to stop skateboarding on the sidewalks!
If all the seniors in town are at a meeting, that means that when the meeting gets out...
Seniors' meeting getting out! Get off the streets!
Get off the streets! Get off the streets!
Oh My God!!
I'm not fat. I just have a sweet hockey body.
Dude, is that your dad?
They're not gonna stop until we're all dead!
How the hell did we get up here?
The new law was passed just three days after the Night of Horror, in which all seniors were out driving at the same time,
We're sorry, but this is the only way to be sure. Next please. There we go.
We aren't second-class citizens!
Billy, get in the car! I need you boys to help me pick up my new Hov-Around.
Statistically speaking, we're safer inside a car with an old person driving than outside.
Well then, I have to take you to jail.
Oh God damnit, don't you lecture me you son of a bitch!
Well fine. I was gonna bail you out,
but maybe you can just sit here for
a bit and think about what you did!
And you're gonna be sorry when they get here!
...year ...the ...first ...film by a... mongoloid...
It's the nursing home! Liberate our comrades!
Well, alright, well it's about damn time!
Hey everyone, we're taking the town.
Mrs. Wyland, seniors are taking over the town. Would you like a gun?
Dad, what are you doing??
Heh?? We'll tell them if they don't give us our demands, we'll start killin' hostages!
The time when you can tell me what to do is over, pucky-boy! We're in charge now!
We've got company!
They're saying something about taking over the entire country.
They're coming!! Get out of here before they see you!
and the leaders along with my grandpa are most likely in the Mayor's office.
And all the old people died of starvation in less than a week.
At 5:45 Kenny and Kyle split off and set a diversion on the east end of town.
Aired 17 years ago - Oct 29, 2003
The boys have hit a crossroads with their band "Moop." Cartman wants the band to play Christian Rock, and leaves the band when Stan, Kyle, and Kenny don't agree. Before leaving, Cartman bets Kyle $10 that he will get a platinum album with a Christian Rock band before "Moop" can.
It wasn't your life yesterday.
It didn't work! My stupid Jew dad won't lend me money for CDs!
(Oh you forgot to get some Judas Priest.)
Hurry up! Let me see those hands!
All we have to do to make Christian songs is take regular old songs and add Jesus stuff to them.
Says here you even downlaoded Judas Priest?
Put your couts on! I'm gonna show you something!
...but thanks to people downloading his music for free,
Now she's had to sell it and get a Gulfstream III because people like you chose to download her music for free.
Now look in this window.
We're sorry! We'll, we'll never download music for free again!
What did you say?!
No! Butters, you can't look happy on the album cover! That's not cool!
Don't ever leave me, Jesus. I couldn't stand to see you go.
It's not that big a deal.
Look, if we make an album, all that's gonna happen is that people are gonna steal our songs for free off the Internet.
Yeah, you don't even know anything about Christianity.
Psalm T-Shirts! Get a T-Shirt with your favorite psalm!
Then let's give it up now for one of Christian rock's biggest bands! Trinity!
Hey is this the way to the backstage?
Sent down from Heaven! The Spirit and the Glory!
Hey, Eric, I don't think they can get out.
Uh. Uh apparently there's been a change.
I love you, Jesus. I want you to walk with me
What's the matter, baby? You tremble at Jesus, baby!
"Tom, we're now entering the second day of the rock band MOOP's refusal to play,
Back to you, Tom.
As I'm speaking, more musicians are arriving!
You're one of the most talented Christian rock bands we've ever heard!
"I want him to nibble on my ear and say 'I'm here for you."
Well what's the difference?! You love Christ, you're in love with Christ,
That's- all we needed to know. Just, sign here and we'll get your album sold.
With great inspirational songs like "I Wasn't Born Again Yesterday"...
Who doesn't remember...
I can't help but think that he looks kinda hot...
Yeah, if we all give in now, people might never stop downloading our music for free!
This letter is to inform you that Faith Plus One's debut album has just sold one million copies.
Is this for real?? This is for real!
Besides, maybe our sound would have gotten downloaded for free,
So... Dude, what are you gonna do about your bet with Cartman. Are you- gonna pay 'im?
Aired 17 years ago - Oct 22, 2003
The metrosexual fad has hit South Park thanks to the "Queer Eye Guys," and all the men in town are affected, except for Kyle and his Dad. Stan, Kenny, and Cartman give Kyle a makeover, and Gerald isn't far behind. Soon the women of South Park grow tired of the fad, as does Mr. Garrison.
Well sure, Sheila. Our husbands are all so clean and neat.
This is the greatest thing ever.
Tootaloo, Connor. See ya after classies.
Oh yeah?! We're all just super stamp it stamp it no erasies mega gay!
I didn't feel comfortable in that stuff, dude. I'm just being me.
Oh, stop it!! You kids don't even know what you're talking about!!
Oh, Jethuth Chritht.
Soho... so Jimbo, you... wanna come back to my place with me and Mr. Slave?
So uh, Randy, you want me to give you a hand job in the bathroom?
put on some music and watch videos and pound Mr. Slave's tight little ass.
Those pants and those shoes say you pound butt!!
We've spent our whole lives tryin' NOT to be one of you! You can't do this to us!!
Look, guys, a lot of the kids in school are talking, okay?
Yeah. Wait, what?
Take your non-flaming ass to some other school!
WHAT?? Your classmates beat you up for being a Jew?
Kyle! You look terrible!
You see that? A spray-on tan does wonders for your look.
...then "in the hizzle" which we had to change to "hizzle fo shizzle,"
Come on, Mr. Slave! Let's get back to our flippity floppity floop.
What?? That's what I'm doing!
Oh. You're right, Mr. Slave. We can both kill them together.
-Oh my God!
-Let's go! Let's go!
He cares more about how he looks than how I look.
And tomorrow, we're gonna have you make over the President of the United States!
It is not!
Please, girlfriend. You look like some kind of Little Orphan Annie nightmare.
Well, you know what I think?
You can metrobash us all you want, but we're here to stay!
Come on, fellas! Out of the malls and into the streets!
You have to stop what you're doing!
You just had to push it, didn't you?!
If you can't beat man, change man!
All things just keep getting better
I should have never wished for a cleaner, neater husband.
I can't do anything! These are brand-new pants!
Now, we've got to do something with yoru hair.
Aired 17 years ago - Apr 30, 2003
The owners of the Three Feathers Indian Casino have decided to buy out the town of South Park in order to create a super-highway from Denver to their Casino. The townfolk only have one night to make $350,000. So they head to the casino...
Thank you for playing at Three Feathers. May your life be filled with the song of the sparrow.
Yeah. Come on, Dad, this place sucks. I wanna go.
Gerald, what are you talking about?
What?? But don't the Native Americans know he has nowhere else to go?
If we really want to see cash flow, we need to bring in city people from Denver.
Simple. We buy it, and we demolish it! Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha!
The Native Americans have purchased the land from under us.
Because they're rich, greedy-ass Indians!
We can get Kyle infected with AIDS!
Yeah! We dress up all our dogs in little outfits, and parade them down the street.
Stan, we've all tried to raise money, but we only raise ten thousand dollars, and the deadline is tomorrow.
Yeah. But it's the only shot we've got to save our town.
We're gonna try and beat you at your own game, Chief Runs With Premise!
That means if we won again, it will be twelve and a quarter million!
You're never supposed to stop when you're on a winning streak.
So don't you compare us to those cold-hearted, money-grubbing, evil stinky Indians!
Jezuth! Jezuth Chrith!
It's over, Stanley. What else can we do?
Oh sure. Until the Native Americans decide they want that land, too!
We grew up here. Our parents grew up here.
Searching our hearts for so lohh-oo-ohh-oo-ong
Damnit! I thought you said they were dealt with!
Yes, and Eagle says the cumulative shared market loss on the revenue of the new casino drops fiftenn percent every day.
We're going to give them...
Now I need your help getting the SARS onto the blankets.
Make sure you rub them all over. Get the SARS nice and deep in there.
The temperature is low, but spirits are pretty low, too.
In the meantime, it hurts us to see you all on television sitting in the cold.
Tom, it now looks as if the Native Americans are handing out blankets as a sign of goodwill towards the South Park people.
Oh. You're welcome.
She's hanging in there. Here, drink some beer.
The Native Americans put it in the blankets they gave us.
Seek out the wise man in Bellocreek.
Your coming was foretold to me. You've come to save our people.
Let the voices of our ancestors show you the way.
SARS has spread through the entire town of South Park, Chief Runs with Premise.
He, he shared a cup with one of the people from China. He has SARS!
Aired 17 years ago - Apr 23, 2003
The boys are playing "junior detectives," and have to find a kidnapped doll. After a daring rescue, they are taken back to Park County Police Headquarters. Upon their arrival, the Chief makes them "real" junior detectives and gives them their first
assignment: breaking up a meth lab. The boys soon learn being real detectives isn't as fun as they thought.
Disposing of the doll wouldn't be easy.
I'm in charge of this investigation!
Son of a bitch stupid FBI!
Ah, I was at home.
Well I don't have nothin'
to confess. Honestly.
Butters doesn't know how you
make seme come out of your body.
Follow me to the bathroom.
Huhuh, Okay Ms., Ms. Jones, heh,
me and Doctor... Flick
Vidím dva kluky uvnitø.
South Park Junior Detectives!
We know you have Sarah Peterson's doll!
Because, dude, we're playing detectives!
Detectives don't just go tell on people.
Time! Time is what we need,
but time is something we ain't got!
We're gonna charge the front door
and go get it.
I'm here by making you all
I want you to get down there
and see what you can find!
The mayor's gonna have my ass!
You hear me?!
Now hit the showers!
Soho, tell us, rookies, you ah...
find yourself a little bonus in that house??
So what if we take in a little on the side?
-Yeah! Who the hell are you to change that?!
I wasn't. We started playing Detective
because we wanted our play time
to mean something.
Well, why don't you get ready for
Uh wu we weren't sleeping, Mr. Garrison.
Marsh! Broflovski! McCormick! Cartman!
In my office!
They're all cop killers,
so I'm sending you in undercover.
Now you get down to that strip joint
and you do it by the books, you got it?!
Dance? Anyone like a dance?
These kids might be just what we need
to get our drugs past the security at DIA.
Detective Murphy! Jenkins!
Uh what the hell are you doing?
We had a deal.
Aired 17 years ago - Apr 16, 2003
For a report on Cultural Diversity, Cartman chooses to do one on Latinos in the arts with the help of a Jennifer Lopez hand puppet. Later, at the mall, the puppet insists they make a music video, which launches the hand puppet's musical career. There's just one problem, the REAL J-Lo shows up to protest the hand's authenticity.
That's not what I meant!
Burrito. Taco taco. Burrito. Taco. Taco taco.
Hey, I've got a friend who's interning at a big record label in L.A.
She's fantiastic. Who is she?
Yes yes, this is Ms. Hrrrlopez. Uh huh.
Sure we can write ten songs! We'll start tonight!!
Okay, Ms. Lopez, time to go to sleep.
Kyle, you were wrong! We did do a record deal!
and the truth of the matter is her name happens to be Jennifer Lopez as well.
Whatever. Look, it's nothing persona, we just think you need to move on.
they want Ms. Lopez to recored an album next week.
Holy smokes, it's Jennifer Lopez!
Well what are we waiting for? Let's get outside!
If I find the ho who thinks she's taken my career from me,
My name is Hennifer Hlopez! And I like tacos, and burritos.
Yaaaaah! Wait! I'm sorry! Ah I'll stop! I'll stop!
Yeah. I sure did. I don't think I should record that album now.
Baby let's make a run for the border,
Yeah yeah, and don't forget the hot sauce, Cholo!
I'm practicing my dancinngg!
Jenny, I just can't stop thinking about you.
Don't you ruin this opportunity for me! How can you stand in the way of this?!
Let's spend the whole day together!
You bring light into my life, Ben. You almost make me forget all about...
Jenny, I have to tell you something. I... I think I love you.
Jenny, can I kiss you?
Where is my water?!
You little snot-nose!
But I'm more concerned about his state of mind.
Your son appears to be completely insane.
Kyle is right, Ms. Lopez. From now on, we're staying away from Ben Affleck.
What is it, sweetie?
What? Oh- AWWW!
Ben Affleck's spooge!!
Guys, I need to talk to you.
Don't you dare ever do that to me again!
Cartman, we decided that if you can be mature
and admit to everyone that you've gotten
yourself into this mess, then we'll help you.
Aired 17 years ago - Apr 09, 2003
After participating in a walk-out against the war in Iraq, Mr. Garrison tells the boys they have to write a report on the founding fathers. Cartman decides he's going to figure out a way to flashback to the past and learn all about history first hand.
Aired 17 years ago - Apr 02, 2003
The boys are given a detention due to their attitudes in art class. Cartman decides that they need to toilet paper (TP) the art teacher's house in revenge.
We didn't say nothin' about no kids, man!
so-o... Looks like nobody will ever know the geniuses who masterminded that perfect crime.
We'd better go over our story again so we don't screw it up.
at which time we accidentally boarded the wrong bus home and ended up in Rancho de Burritos Rojos,
who wanted to give us all personality tests, which were administered at the Scientology Center in Denver until 10:45,
Sh sh, here they come, here they come.
Touché, Mr. Mackey, touché.
Lo-ih ih it's just not that big a deal, I mean, I toilet-papered houses myself when I was a kid.
Oh. Okay. Thanks.
I just need to talk to someonen who knows how toilet paperers think.
Tell me something, officer: why is it that you police such a small town. You must have had larger inspirations.
Look kid, I have very little time to catch whoever toilet-papered that house. Tell me what you know.
So you think there was more than one. Why?
Parents notice that much toilet paper missing, so they would have to have bought it themselves.
(I think so too.)
Look you guys, all it takes is for one of us to crack, and we all know who the weakest link is!
Well, like someone who was black or Mexican or Middle Eastern.
I just thought we should find a private place to... talk.
Part of me feels like I wanna end it all now. Tell people what heppened.
I'm killing you. But unfortunately I could only afford a Wiffle ball bat, so it's gonna take a while.
No, two-ply. What? What does that tell you?
Your uncle, who hit you with a belt. Was he a large man?
Your toilet-paperers are most likely students in the art teacher's class, students who aren't very good at art.
They say they got the guy that did it down at the police station.
Yeah, we interrogated the suspect for over forty hours, and he finally cracked.
His parents are on their way down now.
'cause I turned out wrong! Just plain wrong!
She might even break up with me. And it would serve me right, too.
What? Hu- How can you feel bad? Somebody else is gonna pay for our crime.
So... so then, how can you feel bad?
We feel bad for other people.
Eh buh... eh... eh... Freakin' weirdos, man!
Aired 17 years ago - Mar 26, 2003
Jimmy is tired of the entire town talking about how great that "butthole" Christopher Reeve is. Jimmy and Timmy decide the only real "crips" are those who were crippled from birth. They then decide to seek out a gang with similar feelings. It's safe to say Stan, Kyle, Cartman, and Kenny are staying out of this one.
Beep beep beep. Move it, Kenny! Beep.
That's nice, guys. We're just gonna stay out of this one.
Whatever his name is.
Timmy and I made a ...T-shirt
design for our new club.
...about stem-cell research.
See, the stem cells from a fetus like this one...
Excuse me, sir. We're looking for a
group of people called the Crips.
Timmmih! Tih... ti-timmih.
We just have one question before we join your c-club.
They just smoked thirteen Bloods in one night!
Cipac! Turn up the beat so we can celebrate
our new Gs Five-Points style!
but, after seeing this, how can they protest now?
Hello. We'd like two orders of Kung ...Pao Chicken, please.
You take! Uh one hundred twelve dorrar!
Actually, it was a regular lemonade.
Why you be trippin', Mom? I mean come on.
I'm finally a part of something, very much.
Nobody cared about my standup comedy!
All that hard work just to be outshined by
C-Christopher Reeve the super b-butthole!
is the most important thing to me now! And
if you two don't like it, you can just pass
the blunt to the nigga on your left.
Christopher, I've come to ask you to stop what you're doing?
Stop calling me Christopher! That name no longer has meaning to me!
Word on the street is it was a retaliation hit by the Bloods.
Look kid, I used to be a Crip myself, but I'm not anymore!
Boy were we wrong.
and then everyone has the whole night to play in the swimming pool and laugh and talk.
He's an imspration to us all.
Stem-cell research has made me stronger than I ever thought possible! Why stop now?!
Stop me?! Stop me?! HA!!
Tom, if irony were made of strawberries, we'd all be drinking a lot of smoothies right now.
Just remember to make sure the kids play safe in the pool area.
Aired 17 years ago - Mar 19, 2003
The boys are at the bus stop and they seem to be reliving events that they went through 6 seasons earlier; that is Kyle "kicking the baby" his little brother Ike and Cartman talking about his strange dream, which the other boys identify as visitors. What's going on in South Park? Did the boys travel back in time, or is some sinister force at work?
I've never quite seen this before, uh...
Perhaps he just needs some hemorrhoid cream.
Come on, children! We've got to get Eric to some real help!
I'm not putting my finger up Cartman's butt!
I think I died and went to heaven.
It's just sending images of cities and people and stuff.
Wait a minute. c-candy bars.
I can switch the polarity to see what
transmissions are coming from the
location this one is being sent to!
The aliens are chasing us!
Maybe next time you'll remember to...
Uh. Wugh. You guys. Wake up!
Oooo, very nice.
It's a message that the aliens
are broadcasting throughout
the entire universe.
Lubrication. Lubruh... Chupuh... Chupacabra 's the, the goat killer of Mexican folklore.
You mean, the thing in Cartman's ass?
"We at Nerzod Productions started twenty billion years ago with one philosophy:
all trying to live side by side on one planet! It's great!"
You mean that you aliens actually enjoy sitting around and watching us fight and kill each other?
Ladies and Gentleman, we have recently
come across an alien transmission that is being
beamed throughout the entire universe.
Oo-derp! They've fought and fallen in love!
What will happen this Galgamog?
I'm afraid that Earth, a-all of Earth, is nothing but an intergalactic reality-TV show.
And it's, it's for sure?
All right, I'll break the news to everyone.
No, no I, I understand. Thanks.
Everyone, can I have your attention real quick?
Dude, we have to try!
There's a huge ship of some kind in Earth's orbit!
Oh my God! We have to stop them!
Look, we just want to talk to you about the show.
Here's yoiur order of gespahtgaplachfenachenblah.
Oh my God! Would you look at the heglars on that joozinek?