Aired 9 years ago - Nov 16, 2011
With their parents in jail, Kenny and his brother and sister find themselves in the foster care system. Cartman is sincerely disturbed when Kenny is taken away. He doesn't know who to rip on for being the poorest kid in school anymore.
Here's my head shot. Just
in case you know anybody.
How about this one
- joe paterno doesn't walk into a police station...
guys, guys I've been working on it
and I think I have some answers.
Hey craig, you're uh... Your family get
you that jacket at wal-mart or k-mart?
very good. We'll take them from here.
David! Do you believe in god?!
Dr. Pepper and diet Dr. Pepper.
I actually was able to see which kids in school got those
coupons they hand out for school lunch.
now that kenny's gone, your household
actually has the lowest income.
You think kyle isn't on a computer right now
trying to see who the poorest kid in school is?!
His mama's so poor the
ducks throw bread at her!
eric, I'm working two jobs. Mommy
is doing everything she can.
eric, we aren't that much
poorer than most people.
My mama so poor she waves around a popsicle
and calls it air conditioninnnngg...
Sometimes they don't realize
what should have come first, until it's too late.
what in the name of nobody
knows are you doing, karen?!
Better call the lieutenant. Looks
like we got another meth lab in town.
Were things so bad for you financially
you had to turn to a life of crime?
when will you people learn to
lay off the pabst blue ribbon?!
I just need to get some
information from you if that's okay.
That's a joke! Did you get that one?
Kenneth, answer the door.
god damn, I gotta sleep in a room
six other people?! How poor are we?!
my name is not 'meeeem'.
You gotta have my back kenny!
- yeah dude,
His momma's so poor she cuts
coupons out to be institutionalized!
let put our hands up everyone!
with forty seven "yo mama so poor"
jokes directed at jacob hallery
I mean what do you think this
is the shower room at Penn state?
oh and "yo mama" jokes are better?
They've been around since the fifties.
shut up, you foster
twerps are all the same!
karen mckormick is off
limits. Do you understand?
and if this food comes as a gift
from some divine intelligence,
he just took me back to my classroom!
Then he disappeared like always.
It's time for the punishment room!
who could that be?
Have I given you my headshot?
Let's have a look around.
It was a like a little
'mystery' person flying around...
Aired 9 years ago - Nov 09, 2011
After watching a Thanksgiving special on The History Channel, the boys believe that aliens were involved in the original feast. But, questions remain... was the first Thanksgiving haunted? Is alien technology responsible for stuffing? The truth could change Thanksgiving for everyone.
dinner we celebrate every November?
menstrual cramps stop
bringing everyone down?
Does congress know about this yet?
Did you guys know that when you stop
menstruating, it's called menopause?
Have you been contacted
by alien life forms?
It can't be coincidence.
But now, back to part three of
Ancient Aliens at Thanksgiving!
And while the number of
people who accept the alien
Here, draw that Thanksgiving
turkey symbol with your hand,
Wow, check it out, dude, we're on TV.
Get me a piece of chalk!
Well, at least we weren't
outsmarted by a nine-year-old kid.
An object clearly fell from
the sky and struck the earth.
from deep within the galaxy Canis Major
and a distant planet...
and we will take all their stuffing!
Oh, Thanksgiving's still
a couple weeks away, sweetie,
Oh! We're not too late!
We got more in the back, right?
After attacking our stuffing mines?!
Word travels fast in our sector.
Everything Kyle Broflovski said
I'm just saying there are
lots of symbols and signs out
You Indians took me to thy
planet and then cast me here!
It gets worse.
He was right about all of this.
I think he's just kind of
pissed off he was wrong about
I fear, Kyle, that you still do
not know who's side to be on.
But we made a treaty, and for 300
years our people have not fought...
and the stuffing mines
can again be ours.
I will get to Cape COD
and cannot be stopped!
I must return to Plymouth
so my king can know the truth!
controls the wormhole!
Curses and Cranberries!
Please, Kyle of Devry Institute.
Aired 9 years ago - Nov 02, 2011
The kids at South Park Elementary are being punished for Cartman's failings in the physical education department. What will Cartman do when they all gang up on him?
And then... and then Wendy
said that they were the 99% and
How can they blame you for what is
clearly President Obama's fault?
talking about me behind my back.
That's not Skeletor,
it's a woman named Maria Shriver.
What are you guys doing;
What are you talking about?!
And what do you want
me to do about it?
feel unphysically fit,
and then that student might end up
Fucking 99 percenters!
What did they take?
I've known Clyde Frog
since I was two years old.
one of you has decided
to become a murderer.
in each of your names to
the Clyde's Law Foundation.
They're all protesting outside!
fourth grade students are fed up and
have decided to occupy... Red Robin.
Sweetie, I see that you are a little
disturbed right now, but maybe you can...
Sweetie, you really can just
talk to me if you...
So then... we are all going
to need some more tea.
what exactly are we dealing with.
I'm afraid it's about to get worse.
You see this area here?
Full on class warfare.
we need to take this as evidence.
I like the... A1 peppercorn burger.
He's in your class, but
you don't deal with him!
To be honest, we're just a
little surprised your son begged
The protesters have decreased
in number from two to one
No, because my house got burned down
so everyone has to feel bad for me.
I told you to lock that door, Token!!
Alright guys, you ready?
The fourth grade is sticking it
to the other 83% of the school!
It is full on class warfare!
They were holding us back.
Aired 9 years ago - Oct 26, 2011
Sharon is thrilled that Randy is making an effort to do more things that she enjoys. But, after he takes her to see a hit musical in Denver, Randy becomes Broadway’s biggest fan. Sharon is whisked away to New York and treated to every musical on the Great White Way.
Suddenly, this is a free blowjob
How would you like a little treat?
What was the show about?
I couldn't really
appreciate 'em till now.
We leave in three hours!
It takes a lot of guts to
be a vegan in today's world.
Because being vegan is more
important than being popular!
he wouldn't get beat up
by every kid in school.
I'm gonna see me a Broadway show.
All I need is my girl and my truck
Sounds like a dream, bro.
Wish we could live in New York
where all the musicals are.
I know what I'd like
to do with my time!
I want to be covered in semen
Could I trouble you
for a quick Lewinski?
You love giving blowjobs!
From my lovely blowjob Queen.
They wish to speak with you.
You're making it too obvious!
about a musical called
Sorry if my work isn't
up to your standards!
What do you want, Larry?
You wanna play Settlers of Catan
What is it now?
And what am I supposed to do?
They're having such
a great time together.
Oh! More than a chance!
- Sweeny Todd, bro!
- What, bro?
Let's bro out!
Elton and Andrew and all of us
wanna help you with your musical.
And a cheers to Randy Marsh.
Yeah, yeah, and we really made
some progress with the show!
Why didn't you tell me Shelley
was going to see "Wicked"?!
There's something I should have
told you a long time ago, Sharon.
Yes. Oh, well, yeah but...
No, they're ... they're bros, Sharon.
Take me away to that special place
Aired 9 years ago - Oct 19, 2011
The students of South Park Elementary are the victims of a new gossip website. An elusive hacker has somehow gained access into the student's confidential phone calls and e-mails and is posting all their juicy stories. The boys are shocked when they discover the identity of the hacker.
a kid who shit in his pants
in front of everyone,
we will make it very
worth your while.
It's funny that something
which should be completely
My mom packed me the best stuff!
Or don't take the cupcake.
I'm sorry I wasted your time.
Ahp, Mr. Garrison I don't think
that's quite fair, I mean,
Oh my God it's way worse than
Pete Melman was! Way worse!
You said Pete Melman
couldn't kill himself.
In fact, our students did so
good on the tests that you've...
Do you have any idea
how embarrassed I am?
And I have narrowed it down
to somebody in this very room!
- Hey wait, that's me...
- Where is it coming from?!
Whoever's in here is the kid that's
hacking our emails and phone calls.
It says here it's name is Wikileaks.
I come with news of great gravity.
With a heart of doom!
Only you can stop him, Lemmiwinks.
My mom has a drinking problem, too.
to make everyone forget about
Pete Melman and Jenny Simon forever.
Alright, get her the fuck outta here.
Catatafish of the stomach's cove.
I am a great wizard.
Wikileaks posted exaggerated
things about me too.
Like that underage salmon,
I didn't make her do anything.
Except when he said I made that
teenage fish perform ass to trout,
Alright are we sure we're alone?
We made our beds when we enlisted
Eric Cartman's help, we have to lie in them.
What's a bigger story than all
the students being made sick?
And then we throw
Eric Cartman under it.
Lemmiwinks can stop him!
Eric Cartman killed
himself did you see that?!
Aired 9 years ago - Oct 12, 2011
What begins as an innocent game between the boys turns serious when Cartman joins the U.S. Border Patrol. Not surprisingly, Cartman turns out to be really good at stopping Mexicans.
Aired 9 years ago - Oct 05, 2011
Cartman finds a unique way of coping with Asperger's Syndrome. Even Kyle and Kenny are on board. Meanwhile, Stan can't seem to get his life back to normal no matter what he tries. Will anything ever be the same in South Park again?
we're talking about vaginal warts.
that's called being a Debbie Downer,
I just want everything
to go back to the way it was.
I think he's got Asperger's.
from the young boy's Father,
Steamie Ray vaughan.
In response to the embarrassment,
Oh my buns,
there's a sharp pain in my buns.
How can there be...
God, you're saying I have ass burgers?
I've called him, I've been to his house,
it's like being around a black hole
that just sucks the life out of everything.
What's the matter, dude?
Try this hamburger,
Cartman made them himself.
All our patients here show
the same social awkwardness
Nice to meet you.
you wouldn't call it Asperger's,
that's just mean.
Where other people see fun movies
and hear cool music
Next order, please.
Get your Cartman Burgers here.
Come on, Cartman.
that you're seeing the world
the way it actually is.
Yeah, everything used
to be awesome and cool
I can see out lame
I was saying everything was shit.
- This is about you and me, remember.
- Look dude, things around here have changed.
Big harry and mike in the morning in case
you didn't catch last night's episode of
- Did you see the illusionary world again?
- How did it feel to be back in the matrix?
I can't do any...
Pizza Hut, Burger King, KFC
all somehow infused into one burger.
They would have to be
some kind of super Dutch oven.
What's the secret behind
Cartman Burger's amazing taste?
Like someone would just walk away
from a friendship like that.
- What are you doing?
- How do you guys make them so yummy?
But your negativity is poison to me.
All right, look,
I honestly don't know the secret, dude.
Looks like the serum is clearing off.
You better take some more.
Aired 9 years ago - Jun 08, 2011
After Stan celebrates his 10th birthday, he begins to see everything differently. The other boys think he's become a major buzzkill and start to avoid hanging out with him. When Stan and Kyle have a major blow up, the very fabric of South Park begins to unravel.
Oh, come on.
That music sounds like shit.
It's just vulgar and stupid you know.
'Tween Wave is sweat
That's our music. We like it.
and tell us which one
you think is real music.
Turn it off, dude.
Dude, have you really listened
to the sixth track?
I don't like it at all, Kyle.
No. I mean it sounds like
somebody is shitting in my ears.
And what about food?
and all that stuff
develops and changes.
Yeah, dude, it's just shit.
You don't see any difference
in the pictures?
and thinks that seemed shitty
as a child don't seem as shitty.
they say just starts to...
Get out of my room.
I'm listening to my music.
It's called getting older, Randy,
No, you just don't understand
'Tween Wave because you're old.
They call at the 'Tweens.
It's like some kind of
We're going up to level detective.
Okay, I know, how about
we go to the mall?
because I do love
'Tween Wave so much.
That's there Steamy Nicks.
and they're all sick.
No, I didn't lie to you...
I was gonna...
Everything is "that loks
like shit" and "this is shitty".
I won't say a word.
Adam Sandler is Jill.
It's Adam Sandler in...
No, they're penguins.
Hang on, guys.
Look, Stan, maybe we should just...
and that's supposed
to be my fault?
it's our best chance
to save them britches.
Aired 9 years ago - Jun 01, 2011
Butters is diagnosed with multiple personality disorder. Meanwhile, the owner of City Wok is angered when a competing Asian restaurant opens next door.
I think we better have
him checked out, Linda.
One is named Postman Butters.
And the two seem to be in constant odds.
adding to our booming Asian district.
Now everyone in town think the Chinese and
the Japanese are the same fucking thing.
You got a smoky on your tail but
Big Rig Butters is here to help.
Chinese and the Japanese have
been fighting for so rong,
Teriyaki isn't from China?
you Japanese dog.
No, he's pretty much just a truck driver.
He doesn't like Butters, does he?
but you have people
living inside your head.
Donned mind him, Butters.
Let's play battleship.
I'm going to leave the camera on to see
what exactly I become while I'm sleeping.
Okay, kids, today we
have a special assembly.
This whole thing is China and Japan is this
really little bitty country over here.
Suicide rate in Japan? Sky-high.
You remember how you told
me if I got myself a video
come on, you think multiple
personality disorder is real?
I'm trying, sir.
You have really done it this time.
Breaking into a store, Butters?
Okay, hold on, hold on, prease.
It was very sneaky.
then we no longer have to
deal with racist stereotypes.
no more Inspector Butters,
You got to help!
If you draw any attention he'll kill us.
For some reason the mean
man is getting stronger.
Both of them have gone all out
to celebrate Asian culture.
It's so great that Chinese and a
Japanese are finally getting arong.
Yes, and when you get to
the top of that tower,
Dr. Janus sure has a big house, doesn't he?
It's okay, Butters.
You can't run forever.
No, don't do it.
We know the truth, Dr. Janus.
Aired 9 years ago - May 25, 2011
Cartman has a new protege. He's found someone who is smart, ambitious and willing to look the other way in order to get to the top.
Kyle is brought in on the ground floor of Cartman's latest business venture, the Crack Baby Athletic Adventure.
there's a way to help those poor
babies born addicted to crack
We've built up to a thousand hits a day.
We're getting Slash to
start playing at halftime
I got a job, Stan.
It's like these voices in my head
won't be quiet until I use again!
Crack baby players can't make a salary,
with a firm ethical code
that strictly states
It isn't exploiting them!
We're just having a
hard time finding him.
Yes, sir, we're very excited
about our deal with you as well!
and their names.
The government could
come after us, cartman.
to be as stress free and
clear headed as possible.
What other companies?
In the what?
Was wonderin' if you could
share some secrets.
Ho, ho, that is brilliant sar!
We do not own slaves.
they should know that we're not
talking bout slave ownership at all.
Screw you, sir.
So the only way for me to
try and help the situation
Just because some people are
born poorer than others
You walk up to Slash when
he's playing at the mall
Slash clearly has a fan club, right?
we make off the EA Sports deal.
it's genius Kyle!
the reason I can't tell
ya where Slash lives
Clyde, sometimes people like to
pretend with make believe characters.
How did that ol' folk song go, honey?
Why does it matter how
much I'm making, Stan?
He's based on a fable of a Dutch
Saint named vunter slaush.
You guys are ten years old
and get out of this whole
thing once and for all!
But you didn't get nothing.
Aired 9 years ago - May 18, 2011
Cartman is furious when he believes that the school has posted their penis sizes on the bulletin board. He throws an absolute fit; takes matters into his own hands and once again finds himself in the principal's office. This time he gets sent to anger management therapy.
You see witnesses?
Butters, I don't have time for this.
use a tape measure and
measure my penis yourselves?
My wiener isn't 1.2 inches, it's 1.4!
Eric Cartman to the principal's office.
I don't care if Obama is president!
but it's point two inches
bigger that you said!
Those weren't our dick sizes?
and you cause bad things to happen.
My little sunshine has a temper sometimes,
I think you're way too fat for your age.
You like that? Shitty titty jelly belly?
Well, I just don't see it, Ms. Cartman.
what fourteen year old girl?
I'm not fat. I'm big boned.
Did they measure from the
base or from the balls?
They have sex.
What does matter is --
so we don't get our ourselves
into trouble a anymore.
We have exactly twelve days
mah, bitch be coming.
for wanting to lessen some of your
more less awesome attributes.
Yes, little girl over there.
Okay. So then let's move on to
the example on your study sheet.
Great. And so, divide by the 17,
So how does our example person 'Randy'
compare to others on the TMI scale?
Yeah, it doesn't matter!
and I'm an actual doctor of
human sexuality and behavior.
when it comes to a man
and a woman making love
Who the hell is this chick surgeon
general appointed by Obama?
Yes, I've got some birthday
presents I need shipped.
Tom, I'm standing outside the
fedex in fairplay, Colorado
What exactly are you angry about?
And we want -- and we wanna see
Obama's real birth certificate!
Oh, yeah and Kyle!
And it's below average!
And everyone's a Justin Bieber wanna be!
the pissed off and angry party
is gaining more support.
Who is this?
Aired 9 years ago - May 11, 2011
The Prince of Canada is about to take a Princess and Ike is obsessed with the Royal Wedding.
What a glorious day for our
country and indeed the world.
A giant hole now blasted into
the ceiling debris falling down
Canadians in attendance
cannot believe their eyes.
Oh, this does not go with tradition at all.
He's mean and he hurts, and
his name's tooth decay!
It's tooth decay!
You can't just start already
sad, there's nowhere to go.
All of Canada is in mourning
as nationwide suicides abound.
A massive candlelight vigil was held last
night, led by the Canadian band rush.
then one or more of the royal
family must be in peril.
In your box of faith you will
find all the items you need.
Ike, where are you going?
Put 'em together and what have you got?
of dental hygiene without tooth decay?
He's your brother, Kyle Broflovski mkay?
How are you going to fix this?
What am I saying?
I have to wear this bag on my
head because I'm hideously ugly.
Together we work to
keep the bad guy away.
hold it! Hold it! Stop!
I'm trying, Mr. Mackey, I really am.
Just pick it up from there.
When the giant arrives, we will attack
him with our guns, our swords, our --
You fart loving tricksters!
Why would I take the Princess of Canada?
I guess the Princess is gone for good, huh?
God damn, native Canadians.
That's because tooth decay sucks.
They can lead us to the beast,
but we will have to destroy it!
mkay, never giving two cents about the
plaque that's building on your teeth.
once and for all, why this whole dental
hygiene thing is so important to me.
took him in the blink of an eye!
Eskimos are good for nothing.
Oh, no, not dental floss!
I'll fix you!
What the --
Act one was pure dog shit!
Aired 9 years ago - May 04, 2011
At the school's first annual Comedy Awards, Jimmy announces that the Germans are the least funny people in the world. Germany is highly insulted. They vow that retaliation toward the kids at South Park Elementary will be swift and brutal.
And now it's time to
give out the award
Could I at the very least please
just get a what-what?
The first annual comedy awards were
held by the school children yesterday
have a great sense of humor--
and that retaliation towards the
Now all of Germany is pissed off at us!
Ugh, let me talk to them--
Entlich betreuen sein.
Now what do you say, man?!!?
What do you see when the
pillsbury dough boy bends over?
All thanks to the new ground
breaking German comedian: Funnybot.
selling out stand up theaters
all over the world!
hair that looks like-- pussy you ****?
And this June Funnybot shows off
his range by playing every role in--
Funnybot, is there a line you won't cross?
Oh man. Did you guys see Funnybot on
Saturday Night Live?
Yeah, everythang's worse!
Come on come on, let's go!
Don't hurt anybody, sir.
We can try and fix this!
And now for my next joke--
Shock and disbelief tonight as the
solidifying the opinion, once again, that Funnybot
may be the greatest comedian of all time.
in their faces and in their chests--
Butters, is everything ok?
You know when a man being cheating, he never
know what to say.
Funnybot must finish routine.
Robot ends all life on earth.
It's kind of funny, you guys.
Nothing is more awkward than destroying
all that which created Funnybot.
The Russians are saying their missiles
are going online as
watching a Tyler Perry movie.
Aired 9 years ago - Apr 27, 2011
Kyle is intimately involved in the development of a revolutionary new product that is about to be launched by Apple. Meanwhile, Cartman doesn't even have a regular iPad and blames his mother.
every time you guys download an
Eric, we can't afford that one.
at half the price.
if you're gonna fuck me, mom!
and say 'help, help, my mom
is trying to fuck me'?
logical sense, mommy, because I'm already
I just clicked 'agree'... I didn't read it!
there's a fail safe built in!
Let's hear it for our volunteers!
Their lips will be removed
of the female-- who completely agreed,
Oh!!! I should have never uptaded a iTunes!
allows a company to do what
Enough, enough already.
The only thing the iPad couldn't do
was walk or read.
If they're forced to eat I might poo --
whose mother constantly tries to fuck him
Eric, stop it.
Hi, my name is Leslie I'll be your Genius.
Okay, I see. Hum.
be taken and being part of an experiment
that Apple wants to perform.
We have gonna to try to get you
separated right away.
No, dammit! He didn't read it!
Here it comes, oh it's going
to be a rage.
No-- we don't want a replacement friend!
We want our friend!
In all my years, I've never heard a more
tragic story than that of Eric Cartman.
When Dr. Phil contacted us at Apple
with Eric's story
It does email and web browsing
and it shit in Kyle's mouth?!
Yes... yes, I promise
I've had about enough with iCrap
and me clouds