Aired 22 years ago - Jan 20, 1999
Kyle falls into a cave. Stan goes to rescue him and finds an iceman, and the two fight each other for sole credit. Dr. Mephisto discovers that the iceman has been frozen since 1996. The iceman is put on display and the fighting Kyle and Stan free
him. The iceman tries to return to his family, but finds himself a man out of time. Meanwhile, the government has their own plans to use the iceman in their plot against Sweden.
and they went back to school and
sang songs about grease lightning.
I fell down that
abyss and there it was.
Wait what was that?
I missed the question. Yippie!
No! I found this frozen
guy in the woods today!
and perform an autopsy, I could learn much
about this creature's people and it's time.
We'll have to use the most
advanced methods available.
I haven't seen anybody wear
clothes from Eddie Bauer since 1996.
Ladies and gentlemen, we
still have a lot of work to do.
A team of scientists continues
to try and unfreeze the body
where he was probably a part
of a hunting and gathering
No no! We've got to
think this through!
- What? You're hungry?
- Where am I?
as primitive as his own.
A mind like a child.
Damn, I've never seen you guys fight like this.
- Alright, there's only one fair way to do this.
and then we could all go
home and watch Murphy Brown.
See if you can understand
what he's saying.
- And we found you...
- What?! 32 months?!
We would like to offer our services in your
experiments. - Where are you gents from?
in that is completely like his own world.
Everything is 1996 oriented.
which was a very popular
group during his era.
And they've done it! The Atlanta
Falcons are going to the Superbowl!
He would be more scared on the outside.
You think this stuff freaks him out?
Oh my God! They killed Kenny!
Viewing hours are 10 to 18.
Tomorrow afternoon at
the bus stop! 4 o'clock!
- He must have used this door.
- Dammit! Dammit!
We'll never track him down on our own.
This calls for some special assistance.
Well sir, let me shake your hand.
I'm proud to meet the man
By the fourth day I
knew I had to move on.
Calvin is eight, and little Buck is
thirteen. I can't just up and leave them!
Australian Outback Guy.
- I'm freezing myself again.
- Whoa, that sucks, dude.
It's this place called Des Moines.
It's like lost in time, see.
No you won't, butthole!
- I can hunt down anything!
- Wow! Kick ass!
- Calm down! Calm down! - Yeah! Calm
down! Calm down! You sons of bitches!
Cracky! This snake is really pissed! Well I'm
gonna jam my thumb in it's butthole now.
- I have to go to platform B.
- Oh! Okay, it's over this way.
- What the hell are you talking about?
- An ice man, a man from the past.
You put me in front of yourselves, and
that's what real friendship is all about.
Aired 22 years ago - Dec 16, 1998
Harbucks coffee plans to move into South Park and drive Tweek coffee shop out of business. Mr. Garrison assigns a report on current events to help him keep his job. The boys are planning on doing their report on the underpants gnomes. Tweek's father
schemes to use the boy's report as a platform for fighting Harbucks. The report the boys deliver sparks the town into taking action.
Yes Tweek coffee is a simpler
coffee for a simpler America.
real late-late at night
and steal your underpants.
Sleep at my house tonight.
I'll prove it to you.
Oh hello son.
How was your day?
Kay. Maybe it'll help us figure out
what to do our report on. We have to
company is going to move in
and try to take all my business,
because you lose them not
because of underpants gnomes.
- Man, this stuff is strong.
- Kinda bitter.
This stuff rocks.
Hey let me have some grounds!
Well this is just great. We haven't gotten
anything done and we're totally screwed.
- Of course, you don't have
to use it. - No, we'll use it.
Soon they'll want
my blood. Blood!
I don't think they
wrote this, Mr. Hat.
You really are teaching
these kids something.
Good, good. Now make sure that
sign is really bright and flashy now.
- I need coffee.
- I know how you boys feel.
- Dad! - What?
- The metaphors, man.
Mr. Tweek, we only just heard. - Oh, hello
committee members. What a surprise.
You hear that you're not gonna
get away with this you whore!
And we would have never even
known this was happening
Thank you mayor. I don't want
to sound like a dick hole but I...
- Hurray! - What do you say
boys? We're gonna pass a law.
- Didn't you see them?!
- Alright what's next?
and I actually do get fired, then Mr. Hat
is gonna do horrible things to you.
Should Harbucks be able to open a store
in South Park? That's tonight's topic.
Ok, Arcafé. Now for the other side of the
argument we turn to our young, handsome lads.
- Great argument.
You win boys. - What?!
I believe in the family
You don't hate children, do you?
- Yes it is. We'll put it on the air
immediately. - What do you think hon?
I won't be a part
of this anymore.
It's people like you who
are ruining Main Street, USA!
It's yum diddly-icous.
It makes you feel super.
You should be ashamed of yourself. Using
cartoons to push caffeine on children.
and if the law passes you'll
be thrown out of town.
Before the vote we'll get a band
that everyone likes, like, uh, like...
- Oh god, when is this gonna end?
- Your dad really screwed us Tweek.
- I think my mom is a corporation.
- Ya that makes sense.
That's my last pair
- Ya he called me a pussy. I'm not a pussy
you're a pussy! - You're a pussy, pussy.
Well, it looks like Harbucks will
never make it in this town.
Damn, dude. This place is huge. - Ya,
It's almost as big as Cartman's ass.
- Hey, what's phase two?!
- Phase one we collect underpants.
- No you don't fat ass. - Do you guys
know anything about corporations?
Aired 22 years ago - Dec 09, 1998
Kyle, Stan and Kenny accompany Eric and his family to a Christmas celebration with the Cartman family. One of Cartman's relatives breaks out of jail for the reunion, with his cellmate, Charles Manson.
so I don't have to drive six hours
to get a goddamned present!
Boys let me introduce you
to the Cartman family.
- The fat one. - I'm/He's not
fat I'm/He's big boned.
Mom grandma's gone senile.
It's time to stick her in a home!
I can't believe I got a stupid shirt.
The holidays are bull crap.
It is certainly nice we could all gather
'round heyar for the holidays.
Where's your manners Howard?
We haven't even said Grace yet.
- Dude, I don't know how long I can
stay here. - I know what you mean.
- What the hell was that for? - I
wanted to make sure we're not dreaming.
- Wow cool! - We can't let the
rest of the family know I'm here.
You can't just buy people Mr. Potter. Well
you know what you are; you're a little bitch.
- Damn his goddamn authoritah.
- Only sixteen seconds left in the quarter...
If you see Manson please kick his ass
and smash his fuckin' face in for me
- Here we got you some sticky
cinnamon buns. - Wow sweet.
- Good for you Charlie. - C'mon
I'll hot-wire your grandpa's car.
Uh, Sharon don't over-react. Maybe Stan
didn't go to Cartman's grandmother's house.
- Get the car Randy we're going to
Nebraska. - Ooh. Stan's in trouble.
How would you like to come with me
to a more secluded part of the mall?
The Grinchy poo went up the
chimney and stuffed the tree up.
Oh boy here we go.
This is not Mr. Hankey.
This is a fake.
Behold. This is your false promise.
Wow man that's beautiful.
He was evil but now he's good.
- It was a fake!
- Oh I'm sorry.
Oh that looks a lot
like your car, Harold.
Alright Manson we know you're in there.
Come out peacefully and we'll shoot you.
Everybody just sit down and shut up.
We're not goin' back to the big house.
Remember, if it isn't Palmoral
you're gonna get cancer.
- Wow, she's really pissed.
- I'm glad I'm not you right now kid.
And, uh, Tom, His mother is
very disappointed with him.
- You see I had a family once.
If they don't care about you would they
have driven nine hours to Nebraska?
- They're surrendering!
- You under arrest.
I finally understand
what the holidays are all about.
Aired 22 years ago - Oct 28, 1998
Sharon Marsh's Aunt Flo makes her monthly visit and she has present for Stan, a fish. Stan's fish really freaks him out, especially when the dead bodies start piling up. Mrs. Marsh is convinced Stan is doing the killings and begins hiding the
bodies. The boys discover there are two Cartmans and a gateway to a parallel universe at the "Indian Burial Ground Pet Store."
- Here he comes. - Hey Cartman, did
you bring us money from your mom?
- Why do you keep saying hella fat ass?
- Cause I'm hella-cool that's why.
but she only visits your mom for five days
or so. I'll be out sleeping on the couch.
Who the hell could that be?
I'm not gonna look.
- Look he's gonna kill me mom.
- Is there a problem?
Mom, I was just sleeping
and the next thing I knew
Look at you with your little shovel,
just like when you were twelve.
If that mocking bird don't sing mommy's
gonna bury it in the back yard.
What are we gonna do baby?
What're we gonna do?
It's all you could afford? Who ever heard of a
squash-o-lantern Kenny. That's hella-stupid.
Kyle, You know how some
people are murderers and stuff?
we've always been together. We're
four of a kind having fun all day,
- Why? - My pet goldfish killed
another random person last night.
- Ah, son of a bitch!
- Well you don't see this every day.
All ready for a Halloween lunch? Today I've
got spooky spaghetti with freaky French fries
- Chef, I have a goldfish that keeps killing people.
- Well, don't worry Stan I'm sure it'll work out.
Well, I was just standing around and
Stan and Kyle were being really mean
Of course. My pet goldfish must be
from the evil opposite universe too!
Whoa, what's wrong with your head?
Why are you shaking like that?
I believe it was called the "Indian Burial
Ground Pet Store" just outside of town.
Just help me take it back c'mon.
Did you find the address Aunt Flo
and call all the pet
stores in the phone book.
And now back to the Terrence
and Philip Halloween special.
My fluffy old pal. Yes, that's it,
that's my mister Kitty. Ya.
- You've been drinking.
- That's right, I'm a little drunk.
I don't know. I was drunk.
Oh, well don't think of it as an end,
think of it as a new beginning.
- No, I won't take it back. - Listen friend,
you just can't sell people pets like this.
and let these great people of
the Wampanoa rest in peace.
- I don't know who you mean.
- Maybe this will jar your memory.
C'mon. I bet that together, we
can make the best pumpkin ever.
It just needs some
tender, loving care.
- Hey, what's wrong with you Cartman?
- What's wrong with me? Let's see, um...
- Yes. - Oh, well it's about
friggin time you showed up!
Aired 22 years ago - Oct 07, 1998
Chef is getting sued by Capitalist Records for trying to obtain the rights to a song he wrote twenty years ago. He needs 2 million dollars to hire Johnny Cochran. In response the boys round up all of Chef's old musician friends and organize a huge concert to raise the cash.
And representing the prosecution
I am, your honor. Johnny Cochran.
...trial of the...day, Johnny Cochran has
appeared to defend Capitalist Records.
I'm sure that would scare
the hell out of him, Cartman.
I've got 'em.
Ladies and gentleman,
this is Chew bacca.
...with a bunch of two-foot tall Ewoks
That does NOT MAKE SENSE!
...and I'm talkin' about Chewbacca!
Does that make sense
If Chewbacca lives on Endor,
you must acquit! The defense rests.
We find the defendant, Jerome
"Chef" McElroy, guilty as charged.
You heard the judge: since you lost
the case, I can seize whatever I want...
I will do the German daunce for you.
It's fun and gay and tra-la-la
This This is my photo album of
all my times in the rock business.
I can take whatever I want.
Mr. Twig Are you okay
Oh, they wouldn't remember me.
All I did was cook for them.
Come on. Maybe those rock stars will
remember Chef. Let's go pay them a visit!
Are you Elton John
No, I'm one of his butlers.
Chef! You mean, 'Chef' Chef
Oh oh, cheddar cheese girl
Cheddar, cheddar cheese girl
What you need is a guy to write realy
good lyrics for you. I know a guy named...
Yes, of course.
I'll buy three Crispy Yum-Yums.
Dude, we'll have Chef's
$2 million in no time!
How was it, honey
Pretty much what I expected.
I owe eveything to Chef.
Wow. So you'll help him
All you do is put this paper bag over your
head, and it increases your sexual pleasure.
That was wonderful, Chef. Good show!
I can't keep doin' this. It's killin' me!
These pictures just arrived.
I set up a camera, and caught...
We went to a bunch of rock stars'n sold them
candy bars to raise the money you needed.
That doesn't matter, because
that money belongs to me!
Dude, Chef is gone.
No more Chef.
We set up a stage, and have Cartman do the
German Dance. And we charge people for tickets.
Remember, you're the one that left!
And I'm NOT goin' to take you back!
I'm afraid it's the
big house for you, fruitcake.
"Yes I'd like some sauerkraut.
Boy, I'm hungry!"
California sun has sunk
But Amana mailed, she'll come tonight
Oh boy, we're free!
Rick James, ladies and gentlemen!
God bless you, Chef!
What are you bastards doing
You know, it was like his
mo'o, or something.
Mr. Hat busted me out.
Children, did you do this
We're all here to help our good friend,
Chef, who has touched our lives in the past.
Ain't nowhere to run
(come everybody let's)
I don't know, dude. I though you knew him.
Oh, well. Anyways, here's our song!
Aired 22 years ago - Sep 30, 1998
South Park's annual "Cow Days" party is happening! The cows become transfixed on a cow statue. In order to get the money they need to win Terrance and Phillip dolls, the boys sign Cartman up for a bull riding contest. A freak accident has Cartman believing he is a Vietnamese prostitute named Ming Li. The boys learn about money and cow insanity.
Guys check it out.
- But it... - Sorry kid, try
again. Just 5 more dollars.
- Mom, give me some money! - Kyle what
are you doing here? This is very dangerous!
to run against the cows
do so at their own risk.
- How much is it?
- Just 3 tickets boys.
- You better be right, dude.
- I'm right!
Man what the hell kind of
carnival company are you?
- Did you enjoy the ride?
- What ride?
Hey, I bet Kenny has some
food stamps on him! - What, these?
- Why? - This game is fixed. The balls are
bigger than Jennifer Love Hewit's mouth!
Yes, man you can't just go declaring
shenanigans on innocent people,
Oh no no no. You gotta win
7 times to earn those.
Cartman could ride a bull and
try to win 5000 dollars.
Ok... I'll get on a bull.
- How long was that?
- That wasn't quite 10 seconds.
- What are you gonna do? - Hit the
bull in the balls with a snowball.
Come on Cartman.
Dude, I think we broke him.
- No boys, you need to take him home
and let him get plenty of sleep. - Damn it!
Alright damn it! We are
not going to stand for this.
Wait a minute, you folks
from outta town.
Come one, come all. Chamber of
Farts has been fixed and reopened!
- It's so cold here. - Where is
that Sherriff? We need water!
Ok that's enough of that.
You cows need to disperse!
Bad cows... stay...
- Here we go! - Dude, I'm having second
thoughts about this. - What do you mean?
Ahhh! Ten dolla!
10 dolla socia boy!
- Oh my god they killed Kenny!
- You bastards!
- Oh you boys are back again huh? - Yeah,
and we have 5000 dollars this time.
Aired 22 years ago - Sep 23, 1998
Stan needs to build a clubhouse so he and Kyle can play "Truth or Dare" with Wendy and her friend, who has a crush on Kyle. Cartman and Kenny retaliate by building a clubhouse of their own; only theirs has hot chicks. Meanwhile, the Marshes marriage breaks up and Stan learns a valuable lesson about love and family.
- Oh you got me Terrance!
- Sure I do.
- Hey hey hey. What's goin on Rudy?
- Man Fat Abbot, you need to loose weight.
- Did you find it?
- Give me a second would you?
Hey yeah, that'd be sweet.
We could totally ruin their lives.
- What were you born yesterday? - Yeah now
beat it you guys. This clubhouse is private.
Well why the fuck do I have to do all
the work while you stand around?
But moooom! The blueprint says we need
carpeting in the clubhooouussseee!!!!!!!
you'll be telling me that you need your space,
and that I'm sabotaging your creativity.
- What did you say????
- When is Mr.Hat coming back?
So how is your lame
ass clubhouse Stan?
the episode with captain
and Tenile got higher ratings.
- Don't lie Stan. Lying makes you sterile.
- I'm not lying someone just handed me.
Young man, school is a time for learning,
mmkay. Not for immature skylarkings.
Randy, let me handle this. Now
Stanley, I want you to explain
Mmkay, uh perhaps you should let
your wife finish talking Mr.Marsh.
It's always gossip,
- Oh please yourself!
- Who tries to control the marrige?
- Aright, you go find chics Kenny.
- Why do I always have to go find chics?
- To me? - I mean no,
not to you. Forget it.
- I'm going as fast as we can! - Kyle,
could you turn around for a second?
- No no! You say truth. - Truth? But that's
boring! I wanna get dared to kiss her!
- You're like school in summertime.
- School in summertime?
Hi we ran away from home.
- How's the clubhouse coming Stan?
- We're working on it!
Stanley, I think you should know
that your father has moved out.
Hello Stanley! I know this must be a very
difficult period for you right now,
I have taken you under my wing and done my best,
and all you ever do is whine and moan about it.
- That's totally weak.
- So I go, fine! I won't come home!
And if I wanna finger paint,
then I'm gonna finger paint!
Your bastard father has visitation rights,
and this is his time with you.
- High Handsome. We're gonna be at
Larry's bar tonight. - I'm already there.
I guess, but...
- To say dare dumbass! Sheez!
- Hi guys!
- Kiss Bebe on the lips! - What?!
Sick dude! I'm not kissing a girl!
- Sick!!! Ahhhh! Fucking sickening!
- Wow, look at that ass! Shake it baby!
When will you let me in?
Let me love you?
Totally. My mom gives
me shit sometimes.
- Oh we invited some people over. Hope
you don't mind. - How many people?
I'm NOT YOUR DAD!!!! You can't just go
around playing games with my emotions!!!
you're the most important thing after me
and my happiness and my new romances.
nobody finds him for days. Clock
Clock, you know what I'm sayin?
If you have a stepdad riding your ass, just snatch
his ass in a bear trap. Grind! No more stepdad.
- This is bullcrap! - Oh boy it's gettin
late. I'm gonna have to leave this party.
Stanley? Your father's coming
over for visitations. Stan?
Aired 22 years ago - Sep 02, 1998
The kids go on a field trip to the planetarium. All of the children except Cartman are acting weird. As usual Stan and Kyle, with Kenny's sacrifice, try to get to bottom of the mystery. Meanwhile, Cartman wins an appearance on a snack commercial. The four boys get to the root of the strange planetarium.
- Planetarium sucks. - Aw now what's
wrong with the planetarium?
Well Cheesy Poofs is looking for a kid
to sing the happy Cheesy Poof song.
That ain't how you do it!
It goes like this!
- Hey there it is! - We're going around
the country trying to find the kid
- Yes, little boy? - How long is that
Cheesy Poof van gonna be outside?
I love my work.
- come out.
And these two little stars over here
form the constellation, the Crusades.
but I'm gonna try to change
the way you think about that.
Ahem... I love Cheesy Poofs, you love
Cheesy Poofs, if we didn't eat Cheesy Poofs,
- Me too! It was sweet! - Really?
What did you like best about it?
This week is laser Kenny Logins
and laser James Taylor.
- Van Gather... - Van Gather?
What the hell you doing on our bus?
- Planetarium... - I'll give him a pain
killer. That should calm him down.
- Well whatever happened to him, happened
at the planetarium. - Ahh planetarium!
- Dude this is totally killer. - I hope this
goes on for 7 months or something.
- Dude, I'm totally tripping...
- Yeah, it's totally killer.
- That's a haiku? - No I'm asking
why Eric Cartman isn't at school.
When I get blowjobs... that I cum through
discharging... that's the way to fuck.
Well hello, it's all my little friends
with all their little dreams.
Hey, where's your regional champion
certificate Clyde? Oh you don't have one?
I bet you don't win...
they don't let big fatasses...
- I'm gonna sedate him now.
- No! No drugs!
Uh there's only one way to
get any sense out of him.
Well children, I'm so glad you
came back to learn more.
- Here you see pollarus, the dog star.
- I'm just gonna step outside and go wee-wee.
..and right over here we see the constillation
orion. Orion's belt is made up of three stars.
- Don't be nervous, I'm sure you'll win.
- I dunno, there's a lot of competition here.
Mr.Garrison, we think that
the planetarium guy is...
- Mr.Garrison? - Well I guess I
could give them extra credit for it.
It says "maximum".
- Next will be uh...Eric Theodore
Cartman. - Hello everybody!
She was all about the money!
So hogged by her honey!
- But why? - Planetarium.
About to go out of business.
- unfortunately that finalist is Eric
Cartman. - Yes! I'm the best!
Thanks Tom, yes indeed the planetarium
has become very popular as word spreads,
I guarantee, it'll change the way
you think about the plane-arium.
I'm gonna go with you to the planetarium
so I can prove that nothing's wrong.
I love cheesy poofs,
you love cheesy...
- Cut! - What?! - I'm not liking the
shoes, can we change the shoes?
- Oh really. - Yeah, I just thought
I'd come show them around.
- Welcome to the planetarium. - Well it's
nice to see you finally got a real job Chef.
- Hi grandma, it's me Eric. - Oh hello
Eric. Grandma sure has missed you!
Hello, you've reached the Broslofski's.
Please leave a message.
- To not be Elvis will cause
you great pain. - Pain.
Aired 22 years ago - Aug 26, 1998
Cartman's mother plots to give the boys the chickenpox by sending them over to Kenny's for a sleepover. Both Stan and Cartman breakout, but Kyle remains immune. Kyle discovers "the parental conspiracy" and with the other boys hires a prostitute to
give their parents herpes. Meanwhile, Kenny's mother and Kyle's mother reunite their husbands who were both childhood friends that drifted apart.
Whoa dude! You got
herpes on your face, too!
Let's say grace.
That one's mine!
That one's mine!
You know your dad and I used to be
best friends when we were teenagers.
What am I supposed to do with
frozen waffles clamhead?
Kenny honey, if you're gonna
sneeze, sneeze on them.
- Cartman, what the hell is that?
- It's my Urkel sleeping bag. Isn't it kewl?
Not too much hon. It says on the bottle
that too much can be bad.
Bobie, how would you like to spend the
night at your friend Kenny's house again?
while we have a big house
and lots of food?
- Gods and clods? - Yes, you see I spen
a lot of time going to law school
Stanley, can I get you anything else?
- Serves you right, you little brat. - At least
I'm not gonna die from it like you might!
That's tom foolery.
who had chickenpox so that
he would get it early.
- What's ooki-mouth? - First you
let Kenny spit in your mouth.
Ah, we don't care for that
hoidy, toydi, rich folks stuff.
Oh they was best friends.
You couldn't separate em.
You say they were such good friends,
it's silly they don't even talk anymore.
- Phillip, I got good news and bad news.
- Give it to me straight Terrance.
No, it means you won't
be able to live anymore.
Just use a little bit of that
stuff hon. It has to last a while.
- When you're uh unemployed, weekends
are meaningless. - Right, right right.
That son of a bitch!
What kind of sick weirdo is he!?
- We're going down to Happy Burger
for some milkshakes. - Milkshakes?
- He's been over at Kenny's house 3 days in a row,
and still hasn't caught the chickenpox. - What?
Oy. It was for your own good Kyle. I wanted
you to get chickenpox while you were young.
Microbrew sampler from Aspen. Has 6
different beers from local breweries.
- Wake her up and we're both dead.
- Sorry, sorry...
I don't know what they're planning
next, but it can't be good.
No no no no. Come on fatass,
we're gonna get em all back.
You're just jealous! You're a bitter
old drunk just like your father!
We just, can't seem to
find him at this moment.
making him think he's David Duchove...
I just don't get it. Why would he invite me
fishing and turn into a complete bastard?
My final solution by Kyle Broslofski. My dad is
the smartest guy in the whole wide world.
- What's happening here Terrance? - We're
doing and anal transplant, it's our only hope.
What makes you think I would
know anything about that?
Oh well then Frita's the
right person to go to.
- Someone who has a favor.
- Ten dollars I'll leg, five dollars a nut.
- You have to get back to the hospital
for a shot! - I don't wanna go back there!
Going out and playing around with
chickenpox almost killed you all.
Aired 22 years ago - Aug 19, 1998
A film festival moves to South Park, only to have a devastating effect on the sewer system. Mr. Hankey calls upon Kyle for help. The movie people interpret Kyle's pleading as a pitch and they quickly turn his story into a film starring Tom Hanks and
a monkey they call "Mr. Hankey." Kyle is outraged that the filmmakers aren't hearing his pleas. Soon Chef's Salty Chocolate Balls energizes everyone.
I can see the commercial now.
Wife got you down?
Well perhaps you'd like to try my low calorie cookies,
Would you like to come with me?
Stan, memmememme, hehehehe...
Geezes, he sure ran that one into the ground.
Dare you call them dark.
Could it be?
And so the excitement level is naturally very high.
Ladies and gentlemen, TV's Fred Savage!
Cartman's ass is so fucking fat that sometimes
it takes up the entire projecting room.
This town still has some charm left.
Not the mess we turned Park City into.
And if we can't live in quite simple peaceful mountain towns,
I call them "Chef's salty chocolate balls."
Dude, how do you tell if a piece of poo is in trouble?
Of course! The sewer!
That must be where he is! Come on!
What the hell?
Ok that does it.
Screw you guys, I'm home.
And using dental floss?
and raw vegetables, and it's destroying my environment.
Don't forget to change your sheets once a week!
has become overcrowded with people who eat health foods.
What a great story! It has everything!
Can we put a monkey in it?
The Mr.Hankey story, is there a fort available for a fall pick?
You don't really need those guys do you?
And I am very pleased to announce that in honor of the South Park
Can they do that?
They're Hollywood, they can do anything.
I can't thank you enough for tryin.
I'm not gonna let you die.
Alright, just let me get my tooth brush.
I always thought death was something glorious,
but I know that it's not.
Oh my god! I found a penny!
I don't think we realized what an impact
this festival would have on our town.
Right. Two million, minus your agence fee, minus your lawyer's fee,
Even me! I was selling out my town too.
And now look at it.
I want you guys to all meet my friend.
Come closer. Closer.
Oh good idea. Let's....
Well....I...I kinda hope not.
My salty chocolate balls must've rejuvinated him!
Selling T-shirts kicks ass.
Wait! I brought him! I brought him to show you!
Mr.Poo if you wouldn't mind, we can't hear our chairman.
too many of you, is hurtin our ecosystem.
"Oh let's forget about lawyers, and exits, and studios,
Now, as I was saying, this shall
usher in a whole new decade of films....
What the hell is he doing?
I don't know!
Oh my god!
I'm trying damn it!
Aired 22 years ago - Jun 24, 1998
Schools out for summer and with Mr. Hat missing, Mr. Garrison is over the edge. The state has a ban on the sale of fireworks, and it screws up the boy's plans for a 4th of July celebration. Mr. Garrison seeks psychiatric help from Dr. Katz while Jimbo and Ned go to Mexico, in an attempt to smuggle fireworks back to the children of America.
Shut up Pip.
Right-o. Enjoy summer this summer for me, would you?
I saw in this movie once, where this guy stuck a firecracker up a cat's butt.
What can I do for you?
We wanna buy M-80s.
How can they do this to us?
Doesn't anyone believe in tradition anymore?
Yeah now what are we supposed to do?
Hello? No I don't know where Mr.Hat is! Geeze Garrison, I've got bigger problems!
We can't have a celebration without fireworks.
The press will love it!
I'll be on the front pa....ooooh!
Guys, don't you notice anything wrong with this picture?
Oh my god! Well don't worry boys.
Uncle Jimbo is on the case.
At the dynomite firework company, we have a commitment to excellence.
We'll have to fly it in with 3 comanchi helecopters,
and lower it on to the ground at the lake.
Well you see, fireworks at the lake will not only go on,
but perhaps be the best ever.
Dusty the dirtball!
Mr.Hat is just a puppet.
Yeah Cartman, you're swimming around in 1st grader pee!
But Cartman we're trying to....
Screw you guys....home.
Just jump in!
Awww weak! Weak! Aww you sons of bitches!
Oh, let's try some scales first. C scale first. And...
and a bunch of tonedeaf little shits playing....
wait a minute..it's the snake!
Yo soy uno Americano spectacularr!
[I am a spectacular American!]
It's our job to get these to children all over America for the 4th of July.
You go to hell, you go to hell and you die!
I'm gonna find out who you are!
Hey let's sing one together.
Eric, you have to get in the deep end sooner or later.
Come on Eric!
No way! These sons of bitches! I'm going home.
and scores of tourists anctiously await
the lighting of the largest snake,
I'm told that this even won't begin until
the sun goes down and night is upon us.
And a one, and a two, and a ....
Oh hell, light the snake.
Good evening gentlemen.
Damn, damn! I always get that question wrong!
Yes you know, expire, end.
It's out of control!
let's see. A normal snake lasts 3 sec
Coming up for 9 hours,
and not ever light any giant snakes in the near future.
Where is Chef?
Hello? What? Oh hello children.
It's a what?
Children...you know I rarely say this but....well fudge ya.
From this day on, all will be well.
How the fuck should I know?
If I knew that I wouldn't be seeing a fucking psychiatrist, would I?
Well I believe you. I absolutely believe you.
Mr.Garrison, I think that Mr.Hat was
actually your gay side trying to come out.
Serves you right you gay bashing homo!
Is anyone other than the 2 of you traveling in this vehicle?
Quick Ned, this is our chance.
The hummer's outside.
And it appears as if thought the mayor
is going to explain matters now.
We do however have an official
statement for all the concerned citites
Aired 22 years ago - Jun 17, 1998
While their school bus is dangling on the edge of a cliff, the boys remember some of their past adventures. Mrs. Crabtree catches a ride into town with a stranger and winds up doing a brief stint as a standup comedienne. Back in South Park, Mr.
Mackey convinces the parents that their missing children must have run away. In the end it's all a dream within a dream.
What did you say????!??!?
They're indigious to this area.
I said quiet!
Or else I'll kill the bunny!
Hello and welcome to tape 7 of the bus drivers video guide.
The best way to achive this is to tell them something like
I'm going for help. I'll be back as soon as I can.
Hey this is not good. She could've at least left the heat on.
Hello little lady. Going my way?
So uh, what's a fragile dove like yourself, doing out on a a night like this?
Worse than this?
Really? Ah, I don't think I can fart anymore tonight.
Hey it's happening again!
Now that was what I call a sticky situation.
Yeah right. Let me come with you.
You're the funniest comic I've seen in years!
Calm down dude, you're upsetting Kenny.
Don't do it kid!
Holy crap dude!
Oh hello Ms. Cartman, it's Sharon, Stan's mother.
You look like a lump of dog shit just got hit by a CAR!!!!!
Can't help but feel like I've forgotten something.
Hey, maybe it's that thing scuzzlebutt.
Jimini oaks! It's the real scuzzlebutt!
Dude he's making ice cream!
Here she comes!
Mrs. Kathie Lee Gifford to South Park!
Thank you, how I love you all.
But the monster outside couldn't be Mr.Garrison, cause Mr.Garrison used a gun.
Just give me another one of them Roofies.
it's because they've run away, mmkay.
It's only a matter of time before they're selling their bodies and buying smack!
What could it be? If only we knew what we were up against.
Come over here you son of a whore!
cause death only touches you, it doesn't eat you.
Hey you guys, can we order a pizza?
Well, that was great ma'am.
Yeah there's got to be a way out of this.
We believe in you Fonz!
Now that's what I call a sticky situation.
What are we gonna do?
Well I'm not gonna sit here and wait to die with the rest of you.
Holy crap dude!
Wow, this is gorgeous. I don't think I've ever seen anything so beautiful.
Me too Marcus. I've forgotten all about my cares in the world.
and hopes that their young will hear their cry.
runaway, finding streets, so cold....
Runaway, come home. We love you just as you are.
Aired 22 years ago - Jun 10, 1998
Mr. Garrison assigns the boys to learn about Vietnam from somebody they know. Stan's Uncle Jimbo and his friend Ned tell the boys their outrageous tale. Mr. Garrison doesn't believe the boy's report and gives them detention. They plot revenge against Stan's Uncle by submitting a phony video of the Mexican Staring Frog of Southern Sri Lanka to them.
And also try the numbers of
some endangered species.
That's right Mr.Garrison, the
Vietnam war was sticky and icky.
Where could I hide this big pipe?
Dude, my uncle Jimbo was in Vietnam.
can supposedly kill you
with one hoard daze.
Well I'd like to know what all you skeptiks out
there say now. What do you think, Ned?
So you interested in your uncle
Jimbo's big TV show, huh?
No, Vietnam was more like shoving
shards of broken glass up your ass,
Oh boy what a
- Are you up for it?
- Sir yes sir!
- Charlies at 2 o'clock!
- I see em! Drop the bomb!
- We did it Ned! We killed the entire
Vietcong army! - Whoopie.
- They've gone from 6 people, to 12!
- Holy smokes! We could get an emmy!
And 5, 4, 3...
Ah, ye, yeah. Ok. Beggining today we're
taking the show in a new direction.
- So Bob, so you just get in town?
- Yep, just got in.
And after killing the entire Vietcong
army, they returned to base camp.
- Yes Mr.Garrison? - Yes, uh where the fuck
did you hear this ridiculous load of bullshit?
- How do you know? You weren't
even there! - Well that's it!
You're here because you were inferior mmkay.
You're here because you're akward, mmkay.
- How? - Well he screwed us by making
something up, I say we do the same thing!
We've just received a tape from
another viewer who filmed
So when we roll this film,
be sure to look away.
Yeah, they're a couple of
bitch ass motherfuckers!
- And we're back in 5, 4, 3...
- Remember, big big big!
-And yet somehow he
managed to survive.
She's gotta loose that zero
and get herself a hero.
very important in all of this.
- Since when do frogs talk Cartman?
- It's a Sri Lanka frog!
When I yell action, you
start to walk this way.
Well it appears as thought a lot of
you skeptics thought that the film
There you go. Proof that
not only is this frog real,
- Uh, clever?
- It's genious, it really is.
Oh J, you are so omnipotent
and yet so naive.
Order now, only $19.95! Remember
this is stuff you can't see on TV!
- With the log ride?
- Yep. - Man I was it Tet.
Ok, ok, ok bye. Great news everybody,
this week's ratings are through the roof!
Hello fellow hunters, have we
got a show for you today.
Now Ned! Ned? Ned?
Ned, Ned, can you hear me? Quick, somebody
call and ambulance, this man is catatonick!
Oh Stanley he's gone! My only
friend in the world is gone!
My best friend is a vegetable, and I'm gonna
be the laughing stock of South Park!
- Who are you? - I produce a little TV show
called Jesus and Pals, you might've heard of it.
As some of you may know I
host a local show on hunting.
- And we're out.
- You're corpses up here.
Remember, you all start a fight after
the chair is thrown, that's your cue.
Wow, now Stanley, it sounds like your
uncle's really worried about you.
Aired 22 years ago - Jun 03, 1998
Kyle is injured and must go to see the school nurse and is terrified because of the stories he's heard. She looks fairly normal, except for the dead fetus sticking out of her head. Kyle's mother educates the boys on her "condition" and decides that
everyone in South Park should be made aware. Meanwhile, the South Park Cows dodgeball team goes to the state, national and finally the international finals in China.
- I caught it! I caught it! - Great catch
Kyle. Now your team's on offense.
That nose is bleeding pretty bad Kyle. I think
you might have to go to the nurse's office.
I heard she has tentacles and
eats children for lunch.
Oh, well I'll get you an ice-pack.
- Was it wearing clothes? - Dude! Where's
she gonna get fetus clothes?
Now that's just the kind of unawairness that
we need to fight against. Sit down boys.
Sometimes, the dead twin
is inside the living person,
Can you imagine that
poor, poor woman.
Well Sharon, I was just trying to edjucate
them about conjoined twin myslexia.
Yeah. I thought we only
played on Fridays.
Aren't we supposed to have won
something in order to go to state finals?
Well Mrs.Broslofski, it certainly is
a thrill seeing you cheery face again.
Her disease should be brought to light so that it
can be understood rather than made fun of.
This poor woman is forced to live in the
shadows because she feels like an outcast.
I'll talk to nurse Gollum, but I'm sure
she'd be delighted. Say around 8?
This is the school?
and here you are. You're from
South Park, yeah? - Yeah.
- So where did you get your degree,
Nurse Gollum? - Colorado State.
Damn it! Come on!
Somebody catch the ball.
Great shot Pip!
- Please, forgive us, I'm terribly sorry
Nurse Gollum. - No, I'm quite secure with it.
- Oh! So I suppose that's out. How about
a hat then? - No, really I don't need...
Oh yes, a conjoined twin myslexia awareness
week. You know that has a nice ring.
You got just one more Pip. You get
this kid, and we are state champions.
It hurts! Mommie it hurts!
Ladies and gentlemen this is indeed
a great week for South Park.
But most importantly this week has brought to
my attention a very serious and dreaded disease.
Let's hear it for
these brave souls!
Washington incase hey
get hurt. That is my job.
- Ok, what've you got?
- Some gefilte fish, some gafaga.
You children win this one and
you're national champions.
national champions of dodgeball,
The South Park Cows!
They do nothing but dodgeball.
Day in and day out.
And so as we have this honorary dinner,
we take a look back at Nurse Gollum,
Dead fetus you know,
you never let go.
This award goes to outstanding conjoined
twins who have made a mark on society.
Now we're almost to China. I want
you all to try and focus on the game.
- I have no idea dude.
- Come on rice picker!
But it is ok to make fun of foreigners
because they're from another country.
Damn dude, China's fucked up.
don't have to rely on that
amazing American intellect
- I don't know, wrat?
- Stupid American!
- Oh my god! They killed Kenny.
- You... bastards...
Still all Chinese players.
This simply all is very sorry.
I'll use my credit card.
You know Eric, I just realized something. I've
been obsessed, and an obsession isn't good.
Aired 22 years ago - May 27, 1998
The Booktastic bus is in town and soon everyone finds out that Officer Barbrady can't read. He is whisked off to school with the boys so he can save his job. While he's there someone in South Park is having sex with the town's chickens and only Officer Barbrady with his new deputies Kenny, Kyle, Stan, and Cartman can stop them!
No, uh, let's focus our discussion
first on mari-ja-uana.
In the meantime, I want to get into
alcohol a little, mmkay? Alcohol is bad, kay?
Uh, has, has that mari-ja-uana
made it back up here yet?
- Mmkay. Now children, has that
mari-ja-uana made it around yet?
- What could have possessed you to be
so stupid? - I'm sorry Principal Victoria.
It was an error of judgement Mr. Mackee,
but I'm afraid I have to let you go for it.
Because they're an addictive solution to
a greater problem causing disease of both
- and it's called college.
Do you understand? - Sure.
Children, uh, what's the one thing that's more
sacred to a man than anything else in the world?
- A fireman? - That's the proper way
to say it, or else you get a spanking.
Hey Mackee, now we see what you and
Homer Simpson have in common. Dope!!
- Chop off his wee-wee! Are you sure?
- Yeh dude! It's a Jewish tradition.
I heard that you got fired from your
job for selling drugs to children.
Mom, dad, what exactly
is this party for?
Oh, now what's gotten into him?!?
Stan, will you go talk to him?
- Come on, Ike.
- Hidee how.
- Uh, ehehe, mari-ja-uana's bad.
- Man, this alley is cool. It's so
love and beautiful. - Oh boy.
I'm sorry but we just can't throw
Caucasian babies on an outbound train.
- Ready Ike, kick the baby!
- Don't kick the baby.
Pretty good man, how are you?
- There, what do you think?
- What the hell is that supposed to be?
- Hi boys.
- Hi Mr. Mackee.
How is my little jelly bean?
- Fireman! - Oh, who the hell cares?
He's not even my responsibility.
Get out of the way
you damn hippie.
Hey man, I overheard what
you said. That was cool.
- Gerald, do something about your smart-ass
son. - Uh, mind your...mother, smart-ass.
Excuse me, we're looking for a
two-year old Canadian boy.
Let's get married and have
a honeymoon in India.
Wow, this is so beautiful.
Well, I guess the chopping
is about to commence.
Two, three, four, five.
Mr. Mackee, you're supposed
to be an adult.
Hello Dr. Schwartz. Thank you so much for
coming all this way to perform Ike's Bris.
Aired 22 years ago - May 20, 1998
Ike's going to have a Briss and everyone is invited! Stan, Kenny, and Cartman find out what a Briss really is and try to warn Kyle that his parents are going to cut off Ike's wee wee. Kyle sends Ike away to protect him from his scissor wielding parents.
Well being an officer of the
peace means a lot of things.
This ain't no podunk little town.
Well, uh. This is quite
interesting, huh guys?
"Sorry I had sex with the chicken.
I won't do it again, bye-bye."
- How about fishing without a license?
- I'm not fishin'!
- Sir, can I help you? - Uh, just give me 2
cheeseburgers and some jalepeno poppers.
I can't go on living this life.
Well nobody can say for sure,
no motive has yet been established.
And so Officer Barbrady is
taken a leave of abcense,
- Whoopee! This is killer! - With no cops
around, we can do whatever we want!
Yes that's right. It's back to
school with Officer Barbrady!
Officer Barbrady in school we go to
the bathroom before and after class.
Now I'm going to write a sentence and I
want us all to help Officer Barbrady read it.
Who should we have go
first Mr. Hat? Let's see.
I the Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe a
bunch of uh, hippies walk around and paint stuff.
I've just finished reading the
heartwarming novel "Go Dog, Go!"
A red dog, on a...
What are you doing?
Oh mayor, please, when we're around
children we prefer to call him the chicken lover.
Listen buddy! Either you
learn to read quick
- It's cool dude, we'll help you.
- Hey that's right, you can help me.
You keep a tab on crime in the city. And
we'll try to solve the chickenlover case.
Good day friends! Welcome to
the magical world of reading.
- What's this word?
- Do you know what
speed limit it hea?
Oh you couldn't screw anything
Halfy, you don't have any legs!
Well I've been working this
beat for about 3 days now.
Well hopefully spending some time
with you gorgeous. Is $20 enough?
Oh god damn reading is lame!
- Come on dumbass! You can do it!
- Pet... wait a minute.
- And, who's, who's in here with you?
- Just me and my wife and my brother.
Shut up bitch!
RESPECT MY AUTHORITAY!!
- Maybe we were wrong about the clue.
- Yeah, maybe you read it wrong.
Uh, can't this
thing go any faster??
- Caught you red-handed! - Indeed you did!
How did you know I would strike here?
-So you fucked a bunch of chickens?
- Yes! Yes exactly! Don't you see?
And now my reading friend you've proven
that you are ready for the big time.
Aired 22 years ago - Apr 22, 1998
Dr. Mephisto is about to reveal who Eric Cartman's father really is! Glass shatters and gunshots ring out. A mysterious assailant apparently shot Mephisto while the lights were off. Much to Eric's chagrin, they rush Mephisto off to the hospital.
Chef rushes out the door with Mephisto in hand. They must fight against time to learn Eric's background, who is his father? Where does he come from?
- You've got to be kidding me!
- Come on children!
- Really? - Yeh, I ju, I can't
do anything till it's done.
On board I'm the captainSo climb aboard
We'll search for tomorrowOn every shore
Come sail awayCome sail away
Come sail away with meLord,
law enforcer in this town.
What would he do?
- And, and this one is so compelling.
Then we'll flash a number on
the screen that people can call if
Great, we'll get started with auditions
immediately. What part should we cast first?
but I just don't feel that I can
raise a child in this screwy world.
If you want to change the law, you'll
have to speak with your congressman.
- Whoa dude, she doesn't have any arms.
- We're an equal opportunity employer here son.
Ooops, he's hemorrhaging.
let's move on to the auditions
for the part of Mr. Uh Garrison.
But the person at unplanned
I'll let you know if there's
a change in his condition.
...Some happy, some sadI think of
childhood friends and the dreams we had
I'm simply a man,
a man trying to do my job.
For now it's just me
and Nurse Goodly.
when Dr. Alfonse Mephesto was
gunned down in his laboratory.
I'm going to get the man to
hospital, who will help me?
Who framed Roger Rabbit?
Lady, is Mephesto
going to be ok?
Mra, I don't know, I, I might
need some more convincing.
- Do you know anything about surgery?
- I used to watch Quincy.
My God, this is the worst
storm I've ever seen.
That's the law of the
land Mr. Director.
Well, who the hell made
you the boss anyway?
- No. - Ok, first I'll make an incision
on the chest, over the heart.
Is it Barbrady, or Jimbo,
or the 1991 Denver Broncos?
When you draw straws you're
supposed to have one of them short.
We must split up into two teams.
Team A and Team B.
We will drink the cocoa and
watch family programming
Are there any questions?
How can we? How could
we live with ourselves?
Well, there's no going
back now. We're cannibals.
We'll give the storm another hour,
after that we might have to eat again.
Who built the Pyramids?
We need to complete the
circuit or we're screwed.
- Oh my God, they've killed Kenny!
- You bastards!
- Terminated? - Well yes,
that's what an abortion is.
Where's the little fat boy? He'll be
delighted that Mephesto is awake.
Aired 22 years ago - Apr 01, 1998
The show starts off with the build up from last season's cliffhanger revolving around Cartman's paternal origins. However, just as it seems they are about to get on with the second half of "Cartman's Mom Is A Dirty Slut," they do a 180 degree
turn-around and reveal that for April Fool's Day they will be showing Terrance & Phillip in "Not Without My Anus."
No, because I hate you. You think
farting is soo funny, well it isn't!
- Wow, Scott really hates us Phillip.
- Yes, perhaps he's homophobic.
Say Phillip, why does Scott always try to
convict me of murder? He does it every week.
- Hello, is this Scott from Canada?
- Just call me your old pal, Saddam Hussein.
- Saddam Hussein, the Iraqi dictator?!?
Besides, it's not what's on the outside
that matters, it's what's on the inside.
If they can't see how horribly disfigured
you are, they'll want to sleep with you.
I'm going to put on
a pirate costume.
No, it's Sally, she's being
held captive in Iran.
My God, what a fascinating story Terrance,
especially the part aboot Celine Dion.
- Hello Celine Dion.
- Terrance, this is quite a surprise.
Please, bring our daughter
home safe, Terrance.
Damnit man. Danger or no, I'm going
to help my friend find his daughter.
O Canada! Our home
and native land!
From far and wide,
Yes, everything's proceeding
according to plan.
- Oh good.
- Who, where?
I feel like going to Celine Dion's house
and asking her to marry me again.
How could Canada have changed
so much whilst we were gone?
You've got a man over,
don't you Celine Dion?
Huh, oh that? Don't worry
guy, you just need a rest.
Mr. Hussein, the U.S. Government
is becoming worried.
- I'm from Iraq.
- Iran, Iraq, what's the difference.
- Saddam, Terrance and Phillip are
back in Canada. - Oh, really?
Oh look, here's a show.
When asked if he would uphold
his side of the agreement,
- That fart sounded like a ringing
phone Terrance. - It sure did, Phillip.
- You're a dick.
- You're a dick.
- Oh wait, I have another call Scott.
Can you hang on? - Sure.
- Maybe the baby will have
your face instead of mine.
All I need is for Celine Dion to sing our
Iranian national anthem at the game,
Oh, good idea.
Let's search for treasure.
- What do you mean?
- It's your fault that he's here.
go to the game and sacrifice your
lives to take out Saddam's minions.
Well, Phillip, I'm very sad that
we have to die for Canada.
Terrance, get the phone book,
we must call every Canadian we can.
put your feet up 'cause
those dogs are barking.
You will bow down to me as your ruler.
You will obey my laws or you will be killed.
- We did it Phillip, we destroyed
the Turks. - Oh, glorious day.
Hey, what the hell happened,
you were supposed to be blown up.
You're right Terrance,
From far and wide,