Aired 14 years ago - May 16, 2006
J.D. plans a date with Kim on their night off but Elliot keeps getting in their way. Meanwhile, Elliot throws a baby shower for Carla.Perry and Jordan hand over all of Jack's stuff to Carla. And someone announces a very surprising pregnancy.
Todd, you're touching your crotch.
I know. And I'm loving it.
Best thing about a date with J.D., if
you're having Chinese and want Mexican,
# Oh, honey if I get restless
and ended with us going to
the arcade to, and I quote,
You had to soil the food court thing.
It's veal piccata night at Sbarro's.
# I want my baby back, baby back, baby
back, baby back, baby back, baby back
that is the baby phase.
You guys, this is so much fun!
Back in 'Nam, the choppers would hover
eight feet above my head, I'd jump in.
What do you think about a romantic
horseback ride on the beach?
I didn't need luck,
Woo! No saddles?
You going to be OK riding bareback?
No. It's a baby cage.
I got it at that new
maternity lingerie store at the mall.
How do you think they're going
to react to an intruder?
In which case, you could lose
a testicle. Come on. Off with the pants.
Your right or stage right?
Let me test the retraction.
My boobs are so big right now.
The moment where pity was turning into
genuine affection. Classic Dorian.
I didn't even eat any of that crappy
shower food and I still feel nauseous.
nay, two vasectomies, I feel,
I feel I just have to ask.
What are you talking about?
I know. Buck up!
Elliot Reid. Moment Killer.
Holy crap, Dr. Cox.
# I want my baby back, baby back, baby
back, baby back, baby back, baby back
I heard ten minutes into it,
he started eating his face.
I can imagine what Jordan and
Dr. Cox are feeling right now.
When did they start
drinking straight guy drinks?
With a sports jacket?
and shut my eyes so tight
and then do you.
Aired 14 years ago - May 16, 2006
J.D. challenges an urologist's assessment on a consult for a patient in need of a risky surgical procedure. He also starts to fall for her. Meanwhile, Elliot considers breaking up with Keith, but Carla is showing extreme hormonal changes due to her
pregnancy and tries to interfere. The Janitor and Dr. Kelso are having a little tiff of their own about fear.
# I know that I'm no Superman
All the guys liked her.
I just love that every woman
knows how to do that.
but the penis is
just another excretory organ,
You know what?
I'm not talking to any of you guys.
- I'll have to come by sometime.
- Do it, man.
"Rotinaj" is just "Janitor"
spelled backwards, Rotinaj.
of Dr. John D. Dorian.
I don't mind it a turtle's wink.
[Record scratches and music stops]
Dr. Acula, don't stop!
I feel like I need
a stronger man in my life.
Well, he was a roadie for Jimi Hendrix,
and when it rains,
Here's the kicker: He fled to Toronto.
The freaking Mounties are involved.
You know the difference
between you and me?
I'm wearing red.
Should I not be wearing red?
freaking out and
trying to poke holes in it.
She wears the ring at the hospital
so she doesn't get hit on.
- And then, the ultimate Cox-block.
- [Cox whistles]
When is the last time you met
a cutter who didn't want to cut?
Oh, my God, Carla! Will you
please just butt out of this one?
Mmm, I don't think that's
any business of yours.
is he's older and has heart issues,
which makes him high risk.
What can I say? You got me.
- What'd he say?
- You are square.
I know you took my money
to buy that ridiculous coat.
We do what we must to get ahead.
I'd liken them to rocks,
but that would insult rocks
Hit her, Per!
Thank God he didn't see this.
Well done, sir.
It's Dorian's camera. This must be
a scene from Dr. Acula.
- Yes, please.
you're nothing but a spoiled, selfish,
neurotic girl from Connecticut
- Are we clear?
- [JD] Nobody speaks to Carla like that.
- Thanks for standing up for me.
- Yeah, totally.
Aired 14 years ago - May 09, 2006
J.D. feels that the same things happen over and over again at the hospital. Dr. Cox returns to work, but Elliot believes that he has lost his usual confidence. Elliot calls Dr. Cox on his behavior. Carla gets fed up with Turk, because he still can do a lot of stuff, but she can't since she is now pregnant.
[J.D.] With Sasha
back in the scooter shop,
In your end-o.
Whether it's Turk's tepid response
to the baby stuff Carla makes him do...
Or the Janitor having
menace in his eyes.
Two coins add up to 30 cents,
and one of them is not a nickel.
Look who's back, Mrs. Goldstein.
It's Dr. Cox.
in the afterlife and they could
rightly have their vengeance.
We covered Mrs. Goldstein while you
were gone, but she's your patient.
Did you guys just see that?
I'm not wearing a party hat, sitting
bare-ass on the hospital copier machine.
But I'm going to be.
I thought you had
to have lunch with Carla.
- I get to eat all the good food.
OK, two coins, equals 30 cents,
I think you'll find I'm being quite
literal here at work today. Ask anyone.
What would I do without you?
he'll have a beer,
and I'll have an appletini.
- Right, baby?
than the first sip of
an ice cold beer after a long day.
Incidentally, dynamite nectarini.
personally. How do you deal with it?
I know so.
He wants to push thrombolytics.
This is why the headache
didn't go away.
As you know, I can't make a decision
without your help, so here goes.
FYI, that loft is Lohan-tastic.
It's vintage Lindsay.
[Mocking] "As it is a pet peeve."
First, it's no coffee.
Know this, 90 percent of all childbirths
are accompanied by an accidental dookie.
Where did you get this?
Who taught you how to use this thing?
Hey, we solved your stupid game.
I hate it that you two
aren't getting along.
Fine, fine, fine.
I will apologize to Elliot.
- You can't ride the bike.
- Why not?
Well, that's not entirely true.
Since the arrival of my son,
Well, with me, you've never been
anything but an unsupportive bastard,
All you had was a little round
ligament pain. It's common.
maybe you can ask me about it?
And I say that knowing full well
you feel the same way about me.
Aired 14 years ago - May 02, 2006
Dr. Cox starts drinking after his decisions result in the death of three of his patients. The staff tries to cover for him at the hospital, while everyone tries to convince him how inspiring he is for them.
Turk starts his new rotation with
orthopedic surgery, but isn't so fond of his attending doctor's touchy-feely methods. Thus, J.D. and the Janitor attempt to help Turk find ways to bond with his new supervisor.
Were you able to?
Nurse Espinosa, I...
You don't know what this is about.
Sure, I do, donkeyboy up in ICU.
She's not that emotionally available.
I'm dead inside.
It's really very tastefully done.
I don't know.
I kinda feel for the guy.
Hey, guys, I'm Dr. Stone.
I'm your new attending.
No. No words yet.
Thanks for doing this.
I should have been able
to prevent it somehow.
Todd, take the scalpel
and carve this into your arm.
What would you say if you could
have that big knee reconstruction?
how much he enjoyed
Sunday morning tennis.
I'm just not into all of that
sensitive touchyfeely stuff.
What a game!
A grand slam!
Dr. Cox, I am not going to pretend
to know what you're going through,
Know what I do when I'm having a really
tough time getting through things?
You gonna go talk to Dr. Stone?
It'll blow over.
I couldn't really worry
about bailing on Dr. Cox.
I've never heard of that.
Apparently J.D. Told Mr. Ketay
I'm throwing a birthday party.
# Gray skies are gonna clear up
# A happy face #
It's short for sensitive guy.
I think you held my hair back
while I vomited.
Practical and safe.
No cheek kiss necessary.
Oh, good. I had pipe breath.
You could say we
balance each other out pretty well.
Why is there an intern
in my bathroom?
A hug takes seven seconds?
I have seven of my own, and each one is
just as compassionate as the next one.
So he has a mild concussion and they're
going to let him rest for a while.
What you need is someone
who will always have your back.
You're probably wondering why
I didn't show up before, huh?
Aired 14 years ago - Apr 25, 2006
J.D. asks Dr. Cox out for lunch, but runs into annoying former patient Jill Tracy, who unexpectedly teaches him something about responsibility.
Elliot and Carla discover that Todd has been lying about all his hospital "conquests" and suspect that he's been less than truthful about other issues. Turk warns them not to meddle in his affairs.
# No, I know I'm no Superman
while we could locate donors.
but whenever I go there
I end up dancing on it.
why I should put both my feet
on the floor,
and give him the present
I've been holding for him.
Barbie, check on Mrs. Sykes's
ammonia level. She's encephalopathic.
And now it's in my head forever.
I have the day free. My shrink
couldn't make our appointment.
Hey. What did you do last night?
Turk made me watch Anaconda.
I never slept with the Todd.
I can live with one kidney.
and I can't go to the grocery store
My brother used to brag about girls
dated right before he quit baseball
Tell them that never happened!
It happened. I was there.
Mr. Dennison isn't looking so good.
He's on max inotropes and in failure.
She was admitted a short time ago
and hasn't regained consciousness.
She was definitely depressed.
... he's probably gay.
A little loose, but I'll get used to it.
I'm going to give kudos
in whisper form.
I can't hear a word he's saying.
Be older, Bob.
And why are you not
giddy with praise like those people?
Then he said the words
I never expected to hear.
This is incredible.
An hour ago you guys hated him.
You'll be fine. I've done this
on four mop heads. All right?
Know what I was thinking
while having lunch with Jill?
and I am physically
the closest doctor to him,
my friend, that's a slippery slope
you can't come back from.
I'm on my way to the gym.
That's what it's about.
At first he was a little emotional,
but by the end of it,
You hang tight, all right?
She died of rabies?
I cannot believe that I let you in that
fitting room while I was trying on bras.
with that either. Or that.
We did all we could over the days
to keep the patients going,
And then Mr. Dennison.
that I needed him earlier.
Aired 14 years ago - Apr 18, 2006
Turk and Carla turn J.D.'s old bedroom into a nursery for the baby. The Janitor seizes an opportunity to shove J.D. out of the picture for a day. Elsewhere, Elliot uses her mother to learn information about Keith's peers and Turk & Dr. Cox accuse each other of not being hip.
What the...? Ah!
Where the hell is J.D.?
He's off until six.
Oh, no, it's black Kojak
and Scary NurseWife.
Bro? Dude, bros don't even use "bro."
You're not as hip as you think you are.
That stands for the National Association
For The Advancement Of Colored People.
but it actually leads me
back to my original point:
I'm a bit of an inventor.
I'm gonna show you my latest one:
I don't care if he is on the first
floor, I need this cleaned up now!
Dr. Reid, would you mind
explaining to me
Fine. I'll do them tonight.
Dr. Cox was my attending. He kept
track of the times he made me cry.
Hey, Dr. Cox, if I wasn't a black man,
could I do this?
I didn't see the demon leave the body.
Now I've got to go meet my husband
at the bus station
Know what? The hell with it.
It feels good to get a little attention.
Seriously, Carla, I need to know
who's responsible for this.
You're feeling insecure and suspicious
that I think someone on television
You're wasting your time.
You know how interns stick together.
Meet me in the caf in half an hour.
Now, who are you really afraid of?
Let's take it back before somebody
sees me. As a matter of fact, get down!
You see, Dr. Cox, what I'm gonna do
is we're gonna pimp this out.
I didn't exactly fix your computer.
I had Csections with all my kids,
so everything is as it was down there.
When she's depressed, she hits
a bag of Doritos like there's diamonds.
You know you're my black prince.
That's not it.
Hey, what's up, dawg?
and does embarrassing dances
ChingLau is a dude!
I even considered taking a year off
and cleaning my way across Europe.
Carla covered for one of my interns
and then lied to my face about it.
These kids need to stand on their...
Got that right, sister.
It's not a big deal.
Having a baby changes things.
we'll still have lots of sex.
Aired 14 years ago - Apr 11, 2006
J.D.'s brother Dan returns for a surprise visit and Elliot learns that J.D. has been telling Dan that she still likes him. A patient with weight-related problems needs an MRI, but he's too big for the machine. Carla and Turk freak out when they
begin to discuss baby names. Meanwhile, Dr. Kelso assigns Dr. Cox to assist Ted with malpractice claim paperwork after Dr. Cox insults Dr. Kelso's son.
[J.D.] And just like that,
I had the chance to comfort Claire.
# No, I know
I'm no Superman
Well, Mom does what she has to do.
do you ever have to pinch yourself to
make sure it's all not some crazy dream?
I'm not really a big kid person.
Are you guys totally freaking out?
And if it's a boy, say hello to Fu-Kwon.
I'm begging you to stop telling
people that. No one believes you.
they'll ruin them for us,
so don't tell anyone, OK?
If we have a girl,
we're gonna name her Angie.
Oh, sweetie, he's...
Dan train. Whoo-whoo!
What? I mean, it tickles.
where'd your brother go, anyway?
Promise me you'll hold me like this
when I push your baby out my bajingo.
J.D. Told me you were coming.
My son sent me a picture of himself
- [Both laugh]
- Tell me about it.
Hey, Mr. Brooks.
Let's get these bandages off you, huh?
He was about 46.
Actually older than my parents.
But I don't blame him for it.
I blame my mom for sleeping with him.
I can't believe they're playing
with that butt hamster.
I guess I could help you name her.
- The name just popped into my head!
- Shut up! You just shut up right now!
I'm developing a begrudging
indifference to you.
[Ted] Call me.
Turk was so proud of his handiwork
that he signed it.
A girl like Elliot could never
really be into somebody like you.
Your back pain
may involve your spinal cord,
This next patient claims their stent
was implanted incorrectly.
It's your last name, Ted.
I got a good feeling
about those two. Well, I'm off.
They'd be all like, "I got on her.
Did you get on her?"
I love you too, dumpling,
but I have to work late.
- You ready to get back in there?
- Yeah. Gotta vomit first.
but sometimes when hospitals
have Herbert-sized patients,
Spare me the tough love speech.
I hope she doesn't have
my ear infections.
When I was in high school,
If you killed Ted, I don't wanna know.
Just make sure it's not traceable.
Aired 14 years ago - Apr 04, 2006
When J.D. rearranges his schedule to allow himself more time to spend with Turk, Turk secretly resents hanging out with J.D. in that time because it interferes with his own "Turk Time."
Meanwhile, Dr. Cox and Jordan go on a double date with Elliot
and Keith, and Carla covers for Kelso at work, as he grieves for his dead dog.
Later, a patient almost dies, after giving up part of his liver for his brother, and the hospital staff learns about making sacrifices for the people they really care about.
Is this thing on? JellO?
If you ever donated a body part to me,
you know which one I'd want?
# It's mighty, mighty
just lettin' it all hang out
# I can't do this all on my own
We'll be back to check on you later,
You'll be my wing man,
even though you're horrible at it.
That looks like Talia.
I need you to run interference for me.
Keep people from seeing me vulnerable.
And I will see you, my friend, later.
I have three nights off during the week.
Two of those, Carla has off too,
Then I take care of all my busy work,
I can't even talk right now.
I have no pants on.
He spilled coffee on them.
Hear me out, you old jackass.
and now that you have let a "yes"
spread out into the world,
Can I get some new work boots?
You guys, let's tally it up.
I forgot to wear socks.
For God's sake, Perry walked out
of the house tonight in a hockey jersey.
Detroit Red Wings.
Your color's back.
There's no sign of infection.
Whether it's giving up Turk Night
for a friend...
... was it worth it?
We're cool. They invited me
to this alumni thing in January.
They're with Dr. Cox. Apparently,
he's mentoring and talking to them.
He knows my name!
Just know that
I'm there for you always"?
But now I walk in on this...
like you were trying to say to me,
"J.D., you are the new me.
You know what? Take it.
Dig deep. Concentrate, and just...
I just thought about flat boobies
and it made me mad.
How about she buys rounds
for everyone at the bar?
I know. I'm in my streets
because I'm sneaking out,
Thanks to Kelso, I gotta take the staff
out for drinks so they don't hate me.
Let's do it.
I just wanted to thank you
for the other night.
Aired 14 years ago - Mar 28, 2006
Turk finds out, that Carla is pregnant, before she does, so J.D. convinces Turk to tell the entire hospital staff to surprise Carla with the news. But Carla wants to personally share her baby news with everybody, so Turk and J.D. have to quickly
contain the hospital gossip. Meanwhile, when Elliot puts Dr. Cox into an embarrassing situation, he decides to get even with Elliot through Keith and Carla.
By the way, next time,
buy a name brand pregnancy test,
# I'm no Superman #
When I was 19,
I was a world-class 110-meter hurdler.
You went to Harvard. You have a wife
who only has a pointer and thumb pinkie.
I didn't sleep with Amy Carter.
We did everything but.
- J.D., guess what?
- Not now, Turk, I'm glow-basking.
Red states be damned.
You're gonna make great fathers.
Allow me to paint you a picture
with my imagination brush. OK?
Where do they land? I don't know.
But one thing Carla knows
The point is you, my friend, have
a chance to be on the greatest surprise
and they can go to a kennel
and pick out another one.
He's great, but we really
don't want to separate them.
Come here. Yes. Good boy.
Put the hide-and-seek sensor on him.
That way you'll always know where he is.
So I'm going to address the stapler.
[High-pitched] Oh, my God, Carla.
That's the guy. That's the guy
who broke our friend's heart.
I don't like it, but Jordan tells
her friends intimate details about me.
Oh, Keith, mind taking a walk with me?
I want to thank you all for turning out.
Especially you, Father Rosenberg.
Now, apparently they don't
have fetus balloons. Who knew?
I don't understand
why you're so embarrassed.
Abort the plan!
Abort the surprise!
- I spilled it.
- I'll get another one.
[J.D.] I felt Turk was starting
to blame me for all this.
I'm gonna tell her the truth and hope
she's so tired from being pregnant,
- If you say so, son.
- You can't blackmail us.
It's true you didn't know anything,
We need her to find out on her own
before anyone congratulates her. OK?
Hello, Janitor hiding around
the corner waiting to grab me.
- You're gonna pay.
- We'll see.
Baby, that sounds like a compliment to
me. Maybe you're just a little hormonal.
This morning I was nauseous,
- What's she yelling?
- I don't know.
He's 100 meters away and it's gonna
take ten seconds to change batteries.
of high-end fruit my way,
I could take solace in one thing...
Aired 14 years ago - Mar 21, 2006
J.D. urges Cox and his fellow doctors to do special, unconventional things for their patients, but J.D. himself is not sure he can shave his head for a woman undergoing chemotherapy, after meeting a woman who loves his hair. Meanwhile,Turk and Carla
attempt to eliminate all the stress in their lives, to better their chances of conceiving. Also, Elliot can't stop giving her new boyfriend Keith stupid gifts.
Sorry. It's been a little while
since I drove stick.
- It's something personal.
- You can confide in me.
Uh, Carol, we got the
bone marrow biopsy back and, uh...
In four and a half years,
I've watched your pal, Stephanie,
Why do you think I was out Sunday
buying comics for my patient?
I had to travel to five stores
to find that.
Not important enough
to warrant face time with me,
what's wrong with Mrs. Jones?
Without looking at a chart.
Or should I say you have
a person stuck around you, little guy?
I hope you learned something today.
Carol! Look who I found.
Hear that, Perry?
Attention, surgical residents
still hoping to have a job next year.
We'll probably change the name.
- to his brother's wedding.
- Ricky Morgan?
From now on, we will only be judged by
our skill and abilities. Who's with me?
- Let's go!
- Which do you prefer?
- What's the occasion?
[J.D.] Carol's family welcomed me
as one of their own.
Obviously, the chemo is gonna be
tough, but we're all here for you.
I hope you're proud of yourselves.
I mean, come on.
You're all in this together, right?
[J.D.] You can't let him know
you don't want to do this.
...we're gonna shave this thing.
I did. You're wearing
your garage door opener on your hip.
Actually, I am sneaking trays out
of the cafeteria. I'm building a shed.
then I dropped a quarter,
which rolled over here,
I knew there had to be something wrong!
She's too perfect.
It might accentuate my spoon-chest.
There is. Even if she won't admit it.
The only thing you owe Carol
is to treat her the best you can.
Baby, baby, it's me! But I do love
that you go to that big and black stuff.
I found the latest issue
No. I'm married
and trying to have a baby.
If you are trying to "Kelly Ripa" me
right now, I will freak out.
I didn't have time to get
to Lost and Found, forgot all about it.
I'm out of a job, right? Wrong.
Yeah, it's over, Ricky.
Wish you put some of that crazy-nurse
memory to use on our missing dude.
It was the nicotine patch.
He was trying to quit smoking.
get it to the dry cleaners
and have it back to you after five.
Aired 14 years ago - Mar 14, 2006
J.D. is sick of perfect intern Keith and he's not the only one. Elliot's relationship with Keith is revealed, so the other interns think that he is getting special attention. In the meantime Dr. Cox boasts about being named "The Best Doctor in the
City" by a local magazine, thus Dr. Kelso assigns him to the most difficult patient in the hospital to deflate his ego. Also, Turk and Carla continue to struggle in their quest for conception.
J.D. Has a Slip 'n Slide
and I want to show off my new moves.
# I can't do this all on my own
Don't worry. Later,
I'm gonna find some aloe
Sweetie, you'll get it. You'll get it.
Can you believe those two?
And I know she loves sweets, so take
the pill, put it in some raspberry jam,
- I'll try.
Yes, I am. I'm gonna
go ahead and give you a second
- When are you coming over tonight?
- Yes, sir.
Remember when I told him
his backpack looked like a purse?
If you can't ask him to get tested,
what will you do?
- If you and I were sleeping together?
- First, the only woman in this hospital
- It's just so unfair!
It's not weird you know that at all.
You can count on me, Bobbo!
I'm thinking six-inch heels,
a leather mask, fishnet stockings.
You're in very capable
Honey? How could you think
I wouldn't notice this on my dangle?
While I'm in the shower
you can read it and get revved up.
Perry, when I told you
to treat Mrs. Cooke, I meant it.
- Enjoy your evening, ma'am.
- Thank you.
I'm gonna hang out back here.
[J.D.] It's a strange feeling when
everyone's stuck in hell and you're not.
- How did you do that?
- [Door slams]
I can handle this myself.
Hey. You get the patient
with gelastic seizures.
- Has to?
- Gets to... He gets to sleep with me.
So it worked out great for me.
But I've been doing some thinking
and... I'm scared.
sit on your arm until it falls asleep
then pull it out and use that.
J.D., we're talking about kids, not
going home to a house full of old folks.
[Janitor] J.D. This is that... black
surgeon that you always hang out with.
You know, as a doctor,
I rarely root for the disease,
Dr. Reid, we think it is lame that you
give Keith preferential treatment.
I guess I was just scared that, if I
got bad news, I'd be letting you down.
and break them if you want to,
Bob, but I am officially O-U-T out.
Or are you just saying
that to look good?
Aired 14 years ago - Mar 07, 2006
J.D. and Dr. Cox go through the five stages of grief with their favorite patient, who is declining in health. Carla forces Turk to go on a string of double dates, including Elliot and her booty call Keith. Elsewhere, Dr. Kelso hits Ted with his car, thus Ted finally has the upper hand with a potential lawsuit.
- [J.D.] We did not like him.
- I think he's funny.
I assume that you two have
already entered into a conversation
OK, death is like a journey.
That was the ending to Cocoon.
Didn't you learn your lesson
last week with our neighbors?
They're not our neighbors. They live
in the woods behind our apartment.
the piles are getting smaller.
Labor until you tire
and then labor some more.
- Actually, it is.
Just once, I... [spits]
I understand you spend most
of your time fighting death,
After all these years,
he's finally made us a team.
much less the relocation
who has been yanking pants
off toy soldiers and leaving them
entitled Help! A Large Doctor is Beating
My Ass: The Lester Hedrick Story.
you call Keith and he comes over
and gives you 20-something nasty?
except for that one of your dad
in the Navy. It helps me.
I wasn't gonna blow this opportunity.
I just want to tell you
how beautiful you look right now.
Wet sand plus dehumidifier
I wouldn't be able to leave the family
forever if it weren't for your bike.
Oh, not great. I'm cold.
- Elliot, if he didn't get your message,
Why'd you leave me, Daddy?!
She's in multi-organ
Pretty strong there, Newbie.
She could totally turn it around.
God help me, I don't care
if it does give me cancer,
Baby, I know you hate
my cool walking stick,
You should sue Kelso.
You have a serious tort on your hands.
So would two floor seats
What's this, some pansy
"get in touch with my feelings
and about as effective as fairy dust.
Group, can you tell me what stage
of grief Dr. Cox here is going through?
You better hope
you don't make any mistakes.
Well, you know,
this isn't about you, Keith.
Oh, hang on.
but I'm so sick and tired
of being a cold, emotionless bastard.
That's not what I'll remember.
Aired 15 years ago - Feb 28, 2006
Dr. Kelso is outraged, when he discovers, that a bird has been living in Sacred Heart. He orders the Janitor to dispose of it immediately. However, the Janitor likes the bird so much, he secretly keeps it as a pet. Meanwhile, J.D., annoyed with Keith, tries to get his intern fired, but things don't turn out as intended.
so I got you a DVD of the
NBA's Greatest Centers of All Time
That's not my signature.
Dr. Kelso was having
his daily staring contest
That disease-infested scavenger
is a serious health risk.
And just like that,
you have a patient in trouble.
You can't just take a day off
whenever you feel like it.
It's like I'm at the zoo.
Don't even worry about it. It's OK.
In a few minutes, they'll come to get
you for aortobifem bypass surgery.
Touché. What else can you do?
- All I have are hundreds.
- What are you, a prostitute?
I want it back by tonight
or I'm gonna beat it out of you.
I would sooner leave my medical care
in the hands of Dr. Acula.
I wrote it on-call
and the next morning,
one of 'em had trouble with an IV.
Please exit the area.
Please exit the area.
That's Devin. I'm Eric.
I think I know how to deal with people,
Carla. Check this.
The next person who screws up
is gonna be suspended for two weeks.
Allow me to demonstrate.
May I borrow your pen?
If someone's trying to take your
new friend away, you lie.
You said our father left us a note?
there's nothing you can do.
I, uh... I can't believe you're finally
getting out of this deathtrap.
I know how hard it is for you
to say something nice, so you can go.
Why? You got what you wanted.
You drove Keith out of here.
And when you do, I want it
buffed, shined and de-nerdified.
- Turk, I did not lose it. You did.
- I don't lose things.
Look, somebody left a baby here.
Come on! That was intentional!
[J.D.] And now to take care of my boy.
Let me explain something to you.
and I certainly hope the next
time you fall ill, you'll remember us.
Damn it, Sanchez. I told you
Dorian's in room 136. This is...
Watch out for the bedpan.
And you're done.
Hey, Dr. D, is the IV
supposed to leak like this?
I don't remember
who made those mistakes.
It is my wish for you
that you finally find a good woman..."
Well, it's done. I had him stuffed.
Aired 15 years ago - Feb 28, 2006
J.D. is still dealing with his recent breakup and trying not to kill intern Keith, who has become annoyingly perfect. To make matters worse, a favorite patient is in a serious coma and each of the staff finds their own way to deal with it.
and the Janitor bond over drinks at the bar and Carla makes it her mission to make the hospital's gym female friendly. Meanwhile Turk suggests, that J.D. and Elliot find themselves 'booty calls'.
# No, I know
I'm no Superman
[J.D.] We were edgy because
our favorite patient, Mrs. Wilk,
Marge, the patient should not
have to be braver than you.
No matter how long you've been here.
[J.D.] Everyone has their own way
of getting stuff off their mind.
Maybe later you could show me
where else you're pierced.
Why do I forget
that I'm lactose intolerant?
Damn it, Todd. What did I tell you
about talking like that around my wife?
No. You should fight him.
I tell you, I am done
trying to pick up the random ladies.
Also, my sister was carried off
by a giant bird
OK? So when I clear my own stuff up,
I'd love to get back together with you.
Carla, Mike Gorski wrote "keep in touch"
in my yearbook and that's all I'm doing.
And when you go home, where is she?
Dorian drives me crazy too.
But what are you going to do about it?
You're in need of help, but darn it,
I'm not gonna give it to ya.
so we could pick out
our respective booty calls.
There is no way in hell
that Jim is getting new equipment!
[J.D.] I guess in the back of my mind
I was hoping for a pleasant surprise
This is a doctor no-fly zone, bubs.
Speaking of flys, yours is down.
Yeah. Well, you know, ladies,
I do what I do when I do what I do.
when I found out Elliot
had broken our no booty call agreement.
Keith, Dr. Dorian and I
have to get to work now, OK?
"El Toro Grande"?
I didn't say no cream.
It's like having a sex puppy.
Heel! [clicking tongue]
If they catch me hobnobbing
with a doctor-type,
At the bar we can hang out all we want.
Anybody got a stapler?
It is 1:45.
you smothered him to death
with one of your love handles.
What did she say to do
if I said that?
Aired 15 years ago - Feb 07, 2006
J.D. is annoyed that Julie doesn't laugh, so Elliot encourages him to tell her his feelings, as Turk tries to use psychology to fix the issue.
Meanwhile, Carla is upset when the Janitor refers to a new nurse as a "hot young Carla," which intensifies her growing concern that she is too old to conceive.
Wow. She looks like a young Carla.
so we didn't have time for our usual
seven solid minutes of lovemaking.
- Turk and I got sex gongs in Chinatown.
Yeah, buddy! [laughs] That's my dawg!
J.D., she likes you. Do yourself a favor
and stay out of your head for once.
Turn the other cheek and quietly spread
the rumor that she's a guy.
- Is it?
- Like Taye Diggs.
Do I want her to meet Turk this soon?
What if he doesn't like her?
J.D.'s parents thought
he was gonna be a girl.
Sure. I guess I can hide this
in my basement for you.
J.D. Wanted me
to introduce you to my godfather.
We aren't too old to hang out here.
You guys, for real,
you're my best friends.
A representation of how alcohol
affects different ages.
When something's funny,
she never laughs.
you wind up ruining it
over some trivial reason.
[Carla] Oh, my God, Turk.
If you forget Elliot she's gonna cry.
J.D., there's somebody else here
who wants to say something.
for this sensitive crap.
Now who put that fake arrow
through her head?
Nah. You're not gonna be a jerk
and do something like that, are you?
You never laugh when something's funny.
You say, "That's so funny."
It's not like you're trying
to get pregnant and you can't.
Who knows? Could be anything.
[Carla] I tried, but I just couldn't
get babies off my mind.
- You're too picky with women.
- You used to be the same way.
And for dessert you're gonna
get a little Whitney...
- Dr. Matthews will see you now.
[EIliot] Ask him!
"that's so funny" so many times that
eventually it's not gonna bother you.
That's so funny!
- Immersion therapy didn't work.
- Dude, relax.
This is the dumbest conversation.
"I like to keep a clean shop." And then
he asked to see my insurance card.
Take Gandhi here. Your wife
is the bossiest woman I've ever met.
is her eleventh
gynecological visit this month.
and holding hands, then eventually
all that other stuff won't matter.
If I take that fertility test
You'll find out eventually, so why
don't you just turn around and tell him?
Well, let's get you that fertility test.
Aired 15 years ago - Feb 07, 2006
J.D. meets the klutzy Julie, and when he becomes smitten, Elliot attempts to help out with romance advice. Meanwhile, Carla tries to find Dr. Cox's soft side, when he refuses to kiss his son.
Turk and the Janitor put together an air band to win a contest, but Kelso gives them a tremendous obstacle.
Twenty bucks, please.
# No, I know
I'm no Superman
I'm sure you said something that sucked
all the romance out of the moment.
- What are you talking about?
- Well, J.D. Has this...
Jordan, he's starting to look like a guy
- No more kissing!
Ladies, hate to disappoint,
but my quota for women
so you would tell him
what an amazing doctor he is.
[J.D.] I convinced Julie to meet me
[J.D.] Oh, Mommy.
But most importantly,
And stay away from my J.D. Wigs!
Is he gone? No. Hello?
I'm a doctor.
And we believe that without surgery,
- Nah, while you were in the bathroom,
[# Five for Fighting: 100 Years]
Tell her about the hit-and-run.
No, she loves ponies.
Turkelton, I need you to volunteer
to speak at a critical care conference.
Oh, really? 'Cause I just got
your text that said "bone city."
From this moment on, there will be
no air-banding allowed in the hospital.
I would say she's probably going to die.
- [Julie shouting]
Sometimes she needs a little help.
No, I am talking about
how you go a million miles an hour
Let's bring it in. Cool cats on three.
Wait, there's a young man behind you
with a quick medical question.
He's got my back, even if
I don't technically believe in him.
[# Fountains of Wayne: Hey Julie]
Dr. Kelso, I'll go to that conference.
It was never
about you saying no to the conference.
All right, listen up and listen good.
I will kill anyone who tells Carla.
Are we crazy to be thinking
about buying this?
Don't do this. You're going too fast.
I mean, honestly, Carla,
with Jehovah as my witness,
Aired 15 years ago - Jan 24, 2006
J.D., Turk, Elliot and Carla are interrogated about the mysterious death of a patient.
Dr. Kelso learns, that J.D. and Turk were away tracking down a patient, Elliot was traumatized over finding out that her make-out buddy was married and Carla was busy recruiting hospital personnel for a group lottery purchase.
He said, "She's not with us."
Whatever you say, doc.
And one, two, three!
In hospitals, this happens a lot,
And here's the exciting news:
I'm pretty sure it was one of you.
You think so? Mom, not now.
is that correct?
I'm ten feet away from you. Talk.
So, Mr. Sutton,
when you came in with heartburn,
And here comes the gratitude, the two
words every doctor lives to hear.
He keeps a hug schedule
with his friends.
The Super Lotto jackpot
was up to a hundred million dollars.
Wait for him... wait for him...
Oh, gosh, Carla, I would.
I really would.
Ted-ski, throw ten seconds
on the clock for me, would you please?
[Bugle plays Reveille]
Mrs. Wilk, I just wanted
to explain to you my behavior before.
But this is different. Sure, it
could get complicated. He has a son...
- You're right.
- Hell, yeah, I am.
Hey, guys. What's up?
- Look, I need a ride.
[J.D.] And there it was. Hope.
This is important.
You sit back down and get on with it.
There goes the sentry.
Dude, don't sweat it!
but then I stopped
in Mrs. Wilk's room and...
OK, just get out of here
and do PFTs on Mr. Foster.
- [Man] You may kiss the bride.
Did you try and escape?
How times a day
do you think I get thanked?
Nurse Espinoza, Mr. Foster's cough
is getting worse and Dr. Dorian's gone.
Oh, come on. You gotta make that shot.
walk away from each other with our
dignity intact. Don't you agree?
Dude, are you really gonna sit here
all day just to thank your garbage man?
Aired 15 years ago - Jan 24, 2006
In a "Wizard of Oz" homage, J.D. is trying to go home, Turk searches for a heart donor and Carla worries, that she doesn't have the courage to become a parent. Meanwhile, Elliot doesn't believe, that she has the brains to lead a question and answer
session. Also, the Janitor is painting color coded lines throughout the hospital for easier navigation.
Me neither, son. I was one
of the most promising young shortstops
That's gonna be us someday.
What if the second our baby's born,
I start screwing things up?
or I drifted off and fantasized
about Rudy Giuliani again.
Come on. See, Turk? I'm great with kids.
OK, rocktors... That's my name
for doctors who rock. Next patient.
Hate to burst your bubble, Barbie,
but you seem to be
an expert at that. Am I right?
I just heard that we're doing our
first ever in-house heart transplant.
[Repeating] Bobbily, bobbily.
[J.D.] Though I was happy
for Elliot the endocrinology expert,
# Locking rhythm with
the beat of her heart
# On a wire between will
and what will be!
to type I familial hyperlipoproteinemia
women wear tube tops even though every
ten seconds it makes them to do this:
- [Jack crying]
- Excuse me!
I have got to get out of here!
- Oh, they're in the doctors' lounge.
- Oh, my God, Laverne, I love you.
even a doctor can succumb
to one of the basest human impulses.
We're gonna check on our son.
Dr. Reid, our hospital lecture series
is tonight and our psychologist,
Anyhoo, we need a speaker and Dr. Cox
suggested you'd be the perfect person
J.D., I have to admit this
to somebody: I don't like kids!
But I want to have a child with Turk
more than anything in the world.
Whether they're looking
for brains, a heart or courage.
Now, if surgery goes bad
and the guy dies,
Try and imagine
what they're going through.
Hell, watching The View.
Doug! Why are you hitting me?
with a creepy, borderline psychotic
who hates everyone.
I just want to apologize about earlier.
Those topical treatments... Let's just
say I wasn't completely functional.
You're talking about my son here.
even if you request
that I don't assist.
You know how people
suffering from amenorrhea
Your kid's all green and slimy.
Anyone! Help! I'm melting!
I didn't dump him
on the Janitor because I was busy.
Aired 15 years ago - Jan 17, 2006
J.D. mistakes an elderly woman's happiness as her wish to stop treatment for a fatal illness.
Turk and Elliot struggle to find the cause of a patient's body pain and Carla tries to organize the annual group photo.
We're not clear on the ground rules.
and smells like
an obese man's two-sie.
Guys, if I give you a patient,
That's how you light a fire
under their butts. Some inspiration!
- Dr. Dorian, why do I hate all...?
- They're stealing all of our jobs.
Or we could skip the day trip
I don't even believe it!
I don't believe it-lieve it-lieve it!
I'm sure you all got the flier I made
reminding everyone of the staff picture.
So can't we just take 10 minutes
from our day to take a real staff photo?
They say the same thing about me.
I've predicted a couple things:
# Not gonna happen!
No, not gonna happen!
it looks a little something like this.
and I've combined them
into something even better.
I'm sure he has lots of hobbies, Perry.
The man's a drink mogul. "Dear..."
Wrong one died.
it'll just give you a little more time.
OK. Elliot turfed this
chronic pain patient to me.
Where's the donut truck?
Because I wanted to make sure
that you're as comfortable as possible.
The... You know,
the "dying peacefully" place.
This is just a misunderstanding.
Sorry. Tell her it's a misunderstanding.
So you gave her the old
death sentence, did ya?
could lift my depression
about losing my patient.
Now, I'm going to check on Mr. Jenkins,
your war hero.
I don't know why you did it,
but I know it was you.
Why would you ruin this for me?
I didn't even ask you to be there!
I'm gonna put "Dr. Acula"
across the screen,
Frick! It's Mrs. Peele!
One of us has to talk to her.
Turk, come on!
Don't you think that maybe
the pain could all be in his head?
There's no way to answer and not
get in trouble. Change the subject.
If that's what you call
trolling for mall ass, then yeah.
It's not like somebody
poos their pants for no reason.
Aired 15 years ago - Jan 17, 2006
Dr. Cox's religious sister Paige comes to visit for her nephew's baptism. Turk is finding out, just how unsexy baby making can be. Elliot helps him realize that Carla finds the whole process to be romantic. Elswhere, J.D. and the Janitor start a buddy friendship.
your name still would not have come up.
I wished something'd
break the tension.
[Groans] Sex time, people!
She hit him in the face with an iron.
and found it to be just
a darn good read.
Dr. Cox, if it makes you
feel any better,
and pillows will keep my vagina angled
so the semen pools against my cervix.
You know what's weird?
He also does my brother Barry's.
I knew you would.
You're very predictable.
We're not seeing the improvement
we'd hoped for with this medication.
in the "stop filling my patient's
head with false hope" ward?
Hey, do you guys like improv?
'Cause I'm kind of an expert.
"You're a cobbler whore."
[Groans] Damn it,
I gotta go have ovulation sex again.
I can't talk to you about sex. I don't
understand that crazy gibberish you use.
From now on, cervical mucus
will be referred to as "icky sticky."
on the corner of Maple and Pine right
across from Temple Oheb Shalom at 4pm?
If you happen to be keeping score,
that would be medicine one, God zero.
- I don't like that.
- Nobody seems to.
That's one of my favorite pieces.
Just the regular stuff.
- Get in there.
- Wait, baby, I'm too full.
We were thick as two thieves in a pod.
I figured out why I'm so great
at managing relationships.
to a difficult co-worker...
Can you two please
just try to get along?
- Thank God for creating medicine.
- [Muttering] That's it!
So angry sex is awesome.
That's no reason to go down a bad road.
Baby, all I'm saying is,
in some European countries,
Seeing as he gave me the strength
to outrun the sheriff's K-9 unit,
Honey for my honey.
Losing a baseball scholarship
because a bear ate your arm
There will be no whining or crying
while we sit here.
- You turned me into a felon!
- You know what there, Newbie?
I don't understand
why we can't have fun.
[J.D.] Sometimes I think it takes
a child to make you see the light.
Isn't he beautiful?
Aired 15 years ago - Jan 10, 2006
J.D. is asked to introduce Dr. Kelso at an awards dinner, so he wants to find out something good about him. Dr. Kelso and Dr. Cox each have a patient, whom they feel deserves the benefit of a new experimental treatment, but there is only one open
slot. Elsewhere, Carla and Turk try to help Elliot get her old job at Sacred Heart back. And the Janitor taunts J.D. with the made up game of "Jiggly Ball."
Around the rosie.
You gotta want it, Johnny D!
- [others] # I don't know but I believe
- [Cox] # Newbie...
You don't understand
the predicament you're in.
On the other hand,
if you don't pucker up,
Everyone has a human side, Coxie.
[J.D.] You know, Laverne, I'm a doctor.
Apparently the terror alert in your
armpits has been elevated to orange.
Mark Felt, the FBI guy.
That's been all over the news.
[J.D.] If I just follow Dr. Kelso around
for a while, he'll do something decent.
Enid, I'm not cheating on you.
This earring is mine.
- Turk, have you heard of Jiggly Ball?
- It's a game the orderlies made up.
The doctor there
said surgery wasn't my only option.
- You would make a pretty girl.
- Who the hell is this?
- [Man] Where are my shoelaces?
I would make him apologize personally,
on a medication that they're hoping
will reduce the size of tumors.
Dr. Cox made me give every AC unit
in this hospital a Pap smear?
if you'll do me a favor
and put my patient, Mr. Morrison,
the sooner we can get you back home.
So this is where germs are born.
Elliot, nobody but me
can understand you.
[J.D.] We're so emotionally connected.
[J.D.] How do I not know
about this game?
Can you believe Elliot's
working in a free clinic?
Priscilla, I honestly, on my mother's
grave, thought your real name was Carol.
[Sighs, then whistles]
So anyways, we figured if I offered
to do the nursing schedules,
I am not giving you my last Tater Tot!
Just a beautiful film. Beautiful.
Ah. Two and a half years
away from chest hands.
Hey, Bob, I need to talk to you
about my drug trial patient.
For God's sake,
Nice! Why aren't you mocking him?
Maybe he wants one of them
to jump in and save him.
- Why do you have to go there?
- Oh, my God!
You hearin' that?
What really bothers me is that you
can look in there at John Morrison,
- Can I talk to you for a second?
- No. I'm busy cleaning.
- [Carla] Good.
- Guys, why?
so if you want to talk to him
about Dr. Reid, do it now.
Aired 15 years ago - Jan 10, 2006
While planning his birthday, J.D. finds a list of things he wanted to accomplish, before he turned 30. He enters a triathlon to begin. Meanwhile, Elliot discovers a side of her boyfriend Jake, that freaks her out. And Turk is working hard to impress
his bosses and takes on a patient, who wants to be hypnotized during surgery in effort to be promoted.
- [Turk shouts a war cry]
- [Surgeons yelling]
- No one's 30.
so I'd like to use hypnosis
instead of traditional anesthesia.
but that ain't gonna happen.
Knock her out,
start digging around inside
though his friends
are playing football?
instead of football with his friends?"
Turk ran off singing Safety Dance.
I'm gonna cram
an entire evening's worth of drinking
He's this guy I've been going out with,
Elliot, maybe you should
be the one to open Jake up.
You know, before the
Ioneliness burns too much?
Neither one of us has made headway.
Nobba with the ladie-bb-ys!
Did you see the sign?
Hell's bells, son, when I say
the name Turkelton, people laugh.
I just want you to open up,
you know, emotionally, spiritually.
- Yeah, it's not happening.
- Come on!
You're a Mexican apple thief,
I run the cider house.
And our passion is so loud that they can
hear it all the way in the distillery.
Doug, I told you
to stop pre-tagging patients.
Swing by our parts department
and pick up a pair of testes.
If your goal is to repel all women,
it's definitely working.
You're not serious about this,
[J.D.] The harder you push yourself
to do something,
... or you're trying
to get your boyfriend to open.
[J.D.] And sometimes, the only thing
you can do is just dive in.
All right, ease it in. Ease it in.
Turkelton, this is quite
the event here at Sacred Fart.
We're getting a good bit of interest
from the seismologists at Caltech,
I can't do this.
I don't believe in this hypnotism crap.
[J.D.] As I reached the biking stage
and finally realized what chafing was,
Dangerous topic. Talk to Carla.
One, keep discussion superficial.
I think the bike part's finally over.
You're real. Although the
dolphin costume's a little odd.
- This is working.
- Not for me.
Instead of running a triathlon,
You're pretty smart
for a guy running in bike shoes.
Aired 15 years ago - Jan 03, 2006
J.D. wants to show Dr. Cox and Dr. Kelso how to treat interns, but instead he finds out that they laugh at his bad jokes out of fear and respect.
Everyone at the hospital is avoiding Jordan to get rid of her except for Turk. An aborted attempt to
bond with her results in Jordan being conned by Sam, the drug addict. Elsewhere, Elliot's fellowship goes sour and she finds herself confiding in loose-lipped Carla.
Aired 15 years ago - Jan 03, 2006
Attending at Sacred Heart, J.D. now has to deal with his own interns. Turk has doubts having children, then tries to prevent Carla from getting pregnant. Meanwhile Elliot struggles to find her way at County Hospital and doesn't want to seem like the helpless person she was before.
I found him.
- [Gurgling sound]
- [Keith laughs]
who are quite adept at this. Did you
find a vein, there, Reverend Mayhem?
We'll loosen up
some fluid around his lungs.
until he caught... how many fish?
Anybody? That's right, 22.
Dorian, after four years, I hope you are
no longer following in his footsteps.
He said "half-sincere,"
I think it was full-sincere.
you would still hear the sound of my
voice screaming, "Nay, oh, dear God,
So I went ahead and took the liberty
of making you five man cards.
Although the lettering is darling.
Have you ever done calligraphy?
so stay here
until you find a place.
[Gasps] Dude, you left
your gym shorts in here!
[J.D. Groans] Turk! Turk!
Babe, I borrowed your backpack
this morning and my change fell out.
She hasn't talked to anybody
at her new hospital.
You should be excited
about meeting people over there.
This guy's unbelievable!
Oh, Jason, when you're filling out
a female patient's exam report,
Hey, everybody? Great work today.
You've worked on your Turk
impression since college.
All this baby stuff,
I feel like she rushed me into it.
Thanks. Could you also grab
a number six needle?
That screaming patient would have
to wait. I had bigger problems.
are you people trained killers?
Say something, Keith!
of returning to the scene of the crime.
And all because I, too,
- Thank you!
- Damn it!
which I will if you don't
get out of here. Go on, get.
No! She knows I can't eat
without my strawberry milk.
What would you have done
if you couldn't give Carla the pill?
Know what I've been doing?
This way, he moves up to the top.
over the last couple of years
because you knew
Thank you for giving me
the opportunity to prove myself.
Elliot had dropped by
to help not talk to Turk
because he likes to call me his "honky
Adonis." And that's what friends do.
- J.D. Can do my voice.
- Hey, it's getting good!
Now, I really don't love
being den mother to you three...
Well, come back and see us, OK?
because I don't think it's fair
to punish a man for making small talk,
- I guess so.
- Anything else?
- I hate this place.
- It hates you, Bob.