Aired 18 years ago - May 21, 2002
It's J.D.'s last day as an intern, and soon he will become a resident. Carla and Turk are arguing about dating other people. Elliot finally rebels against being everyone's doormat, and J.D. is just trying to stay out of people's way.
returned to get a physical and a new patient, Mr. Bober, has been admitted, because he needs his gall bladder removed. He really needs the surgery, but doesn't have the insurance to pay for it. They enlist the help of Dr. Cox, Dr. Wen and Jordan.
- Come here. Oh!
- OK. OK.
Jordan. To what
do we owe the horror?
l, of course, mean
absolutely anybody but me.
- Doesn't matter...
- Carla, can you do me a favour?
You see that? ''Get to date again'',
like she's missing out.
is because you failed to get legal
clearance from the zoning board.
Bob! When l heard
you were up on the roof
and l've decided to recommend you.
but it turns out
he gave me a pretty good idea.
So l let myself get taken
advantage of sometimes, you know?
Can we please finish this physical?
l don't know.
lt was JD's patient! l was just
the middleman. Woman. Person.
We moved him to the lCU, dear.
He'll show you up.
l didn't appreciate
your game this morning.
But you hate me.
You know the financial burdens
l deal with.
That's how doctors talk to doctors.
is that the guilt
passes pretty quickly.
What's wrong, dog?
And then, all at once,
we realized we had to do something.
Don't ever be afraid
to come to me with stuff like that.
Are you dying?
- Great! l'm off in a half hour...
- Oh, no!
He doesn't have insurance. lf you could
talk to the board, JD thought maybe...
and pretend that was a sneeze,
l will play along.
You still care about him
whether you admit it or not.
We want to get a patient
approved for surgery.
l tried to help you out instead
of getting mad at you over nothing.
So, you want me to approve
surgery on a 76-year-old man
my wife would have
her own car by now.
Right, but what if
we were to look at this
See now? That's the kind of thinking
l can get behind!
This is the closest l've come
Let me guess.
but it would've been pointless.
that your little visits here
are a spontaneous surprise,
ln a sedan, it turns out it's terrific.
- l'll try to remember that.
- So l'm guessing
the hospital board meeting
to decide Mr Bober's fate.
I think we knew
we were all gonna be OK.
Anyway, go get 'em, tiger.
Aired 18 years ago - May 14, 2002
Ben takes the news of his diagnosis pretty well - at least better than his sister Jordan and J.D. Remarkably, it is Dr. Cox who is the voice of reason and compassion, until his own fears get in the way.
Meanwhile, Turk and Elliot have their own
issues to deal with. Turk is upset because he wasn't chosen to assist on a difficult surgery and Elliot is criticized during rounds by Dr. Kelso for the 100th time.
l'm sorry, l'm very excited. Go!
l don't believe it. l didn't
get tomorrow's Whipple procedure.
Suck it, Turk.
then lV calcium gluconate,
and emergency haemodialysis.
So you've either got a speech impediment
They probably like it too,
whether they admit it or not.
What're you laughing at?
- l got him to put his gown on.
- He sure did.
Congratulations. Your DiMaggio-like
streak for saying nothing
Do we have to talk about this? You
must have something else on your mind.
Your mother's maiden name is Turner.
- How could you possibly know that?
- l'm your father.
This is my band.
We mostly do a cappella versions
of cartoon theme songs.
So, Mr Sullivan,
your blast percentage
You're doing a good job too.
lronically, l have
a golf game to get to.
- Oh, am l Kimmy?
- No, l'm Kimmy.
- So good.
- Hello, ladies.
to once again apologise to you
and the entire Asian community.
ls it Bonnie? ls it me?
Come on, l just, l gotta know.
Some people have
a visceral reaction.
You see, l can't handle that.
Every time l got
sick when l was a little kid,
l can't believe Perry
bailed on you. Typical.
Well, not all at once, sweetheart.
What could have
possessed you to write such filth?
l'd like to tell you a few things
that l think are funny.
You're not in the moment.
so I can gain immediate haemostatic
control doesn't mean I think too much.
but mostly it's because, well...
''Coxie'' was a mistake.
Pretend l didn't say Coxie.
l'm gonna try to visit him
over the next couple of weeks,
You're here because
I think one of the most universal
human experiences is feeling alone.
Maybe you know you should've
handled something differently.
You know what, Dr Wen? l don't care
if l'm not the best right now,
Dr Kelso, l wrote that evaluation.
lt was me. Elliot didn't write a word.
As for me, I decided
that if Dr Cox couldn't do it,
- Oh, thank God.
- Goodbye, newbie.
l think it's only fair you hear
my end of the story there.
Aired 18 years ago - May 07, 2002
Jordan's brother Ben is admitted at Sacred Heart for having an accident with a nail gun. J.D. learns that Ben has leukemia, but won't believe it, since there have been many mixups in the hospital lately, so he goes on a search for the real test results.
Well, admittedly, that made
it harder. Ooh, good one!
Starting the incision.
Dr Wen asks
if there could be a mix-up,
No, Mom, l don't care what
my third grade teacher is up to.
Last time l saw you
l was really stressed.
l got hit on in Venice.
l climbed Mount Kilimanjaro.
and we decided that it needed
to be a little more fancy.
My fiancé and l decided not to
have sex until we were married.
Look, right there. Hey, don't be
mean to him. You're mad at me.
You're pretty when you're mad.
Well, l'm gonna drink this
for both of us.
- Bye, Todd.
Consider my lips sewn shut, sir.
Which, in this hospital, could happen.
Hold on one second.
Hold on! Hi!
and the other Tracy
is not much of a water drinker,
Please. Nine 1/2 Weeks.
Yeah, l think you are too.
Hey, Ben, what...
l was a heartbeat away from giving
an appendix patient a crotch lobotomy.
Unfortunately, the chart
wasn't in the out box.
l'll come back later.
The rest of the time,
l track you, like an animal.
the walk to their door
can seem an eternity.
She got your hobby?
- Draw on three.
- Oh, yeah.
This is a mistake. I just,
I feel it in my gut. I'm sure of it.
- There she is. l'm gonna go get her.
- l can fight my own battles.
Tag me in.
l am oiled-up and ready to go.
- You said, ''Drop the ball.''
- l know, totally by accident.
Hello, Dr Dorian.
Let's take a ride.
Too much ''ha-ha,''
pretty soon ''boo-hoo.''
just because you like this patient,
and face the facts.
You mixed up my patients'
urine samples yesterday!
- OK, that's not helping.
You know, l may as well just give up
the idea of being in a healthy and...
Let me ask you something.
So your instinct is to pass
on this fantastic one-time offer?
You know there's only
one more person to talk to.
Do you think l made a mistake
or do you just wish l did?
Left one at least.
The right one's just a little shy.
Hey, how come this guy is always
following you in the pictures?
Aired 18 years ago - Apr 30, 2002
J.D. fears being contaminated with Hepatitis B, after a needle accidentally sticks his forearm.
Meanwhile, Elliot has a hard time combining her new relationship and keeping up with studies. Turk obsesses about getting in shape, after Carla makes a fat joke about him.
Elliot got some booty
One of the hospital's
annoying money savers.
You know l'm crazy in love with you.
Nothing better than a good sweat.
Check for urinary legionella antigen.
So, what's with
the antecubital venipuncture?
But hepatitis. Scary stuff.
- Why is it always about sex?
- Yes, Sean.
Way to get your burger on.
This conversation stops
until cabana boy here goes.
l'm not particularly fond of you,
You in 20.
- l don't have anyone to talk to.
- Good news, friend.
You see? Nobody keeps
John Dorian from moving on.
Let's see who's on their game and start
off with a case of pheochromocytoma.
and tell me the aetiology
of hypocalcaemia in sarcoidosis.
Something is different,
because you are slipping.
and you're happy with what you see,
you just lost the battle.
- See ya, chubby!
- Son of a...
l think l speak for the entire
administration when l say ''whoop-de-do''.
One phone call.
Carla, could you do me a favour and
just give him a follow-up neuro exam?
Carla, can you check Kernig
and Brudzinski signs on Mr Winston?
You're so thoughtful and handsome,
you wouldn't forget your scrubs.
Don't be embarrassed
about staring at my ass.
When someone calls you out,
Sure. l'll take him.
You grab my three gomers in 408.
Do you have any idea how annoying it is
to hear myself go on and on and on
Wanna know why?
l was afraid of him.
Just don't wake me up if you
get home too late, OK?
How many nights a week
are you in here?
- For what?
- l'm not sure.
And the work never ends.
So l think that maybe
we should make this more casual.
Then why are you saying it?
lf l don't do my best,
l'm going to hate myself for ever.
Aired 18 years ago - Apr 16, 2002
Turk's competitiveness is starting to annoy J.D., especially when it crosses the line of personal jokes and comes to patient's matters.
Meanwhile, Dr. Cox finally has a taste of good coffee, but thanks to his feud with Dr. Kelso, the only nurse who
was able to make it gets fired. Elliot meets a very attractive patient, whom she instantly identifies, but has a really hard time getting him to ask her out.
Why hasn't he had a surgical consult?
l'm sorry. That's my fault.
You may have whatever you want.
For the love of Our Lady
of Guadalupe, that is a fine brew.
l'd eat it right off your bottom.
We are already understaffed, and
Dr Kelso fired two nurses for no reason.
Mr Hoffner should be treated medically,
but a surgeon will want to slice him.
Above it all
How could you possibly be single?
l always seem to
put my foot in my mouth.
but l gotta ask you a quick question.
Now, when you were born, nay,
you ought to be able to keep a man
tucked away in the closet
tell Mr Hoffner whether or not
you think he should have surgery.
You had to show up Kelso
and now another nurse is out of a job.
but end up throwing gas on the fire,
and everyone pays the consequences.
l drop things so when l pick them up,
he can see l'm flexible.
You're free to go. Today.
- You were going to back me up.
- He's had colitis for ten years.
Luckily, it's not up to you.
lt's up to Mr Hoffner.
And then, and then...
Give me a break. Watch this.
Pick a nurse, any nurse.
- What's up, Benedict?
- Well, if you do, l'd better die.
Budgetary constraints forced a cut,
and those two had negative reports.
No. Do you need me
to ice up your nipples?
You know what they say, right?
Let's get you out of your skin.
- l'm sorry.
- Holy crap.
and that just led right back to poo.
He doesn't know l cry sometimes because
l'm not sure there's a cat heaven.
That was my patient, Turk.
l brought you in as my friend.
That sounds like a great friendship.
Have a cookie, man.
- ls that...
Aired 18 years ago - Apr 09, 2002
An assortment of moms and dads descend on their offspring at home and in the workplace. J.D.'s father is a gregarious yet lonely divorcee who's desperately trying to be just one of the guys. Elliot's folks, on the other hand, are a snooty couple
whose pompous behavior dismays their daughter. Similarly rattled is Turk, unnerved by the bonding of his girlfriend, Carla, and his brassy mother. But the most vexatious parent by far is the janitor's dad.
Elliot and Turk wrote this paper,
My mother's never called any girl
l've been with by her name.
l think it's time to get back
to the suite and get in a bath.
lt's a private hospital in Greenwich.
by minding your own damn business.
What the hell was that all about?
they only show up
when they want something.
Secure some kind of vehicle,
car, balloon, tricycle,
The thing is,
l don't need a buddy.
l have testicles.
l don't know how you've
put up with him as long as you did.
- Yes, it is, Mother.
- Oh, please. Not telling me about her.
So where in Connecticut
was your National Guard unit stationed?
so let's try and be sharp.
to arterial partial pressure
of carbon dioxide?
There are no gratuitous winks
in the Reid household.
- And l understand that you...
- l make these.
- l know. lt kills me.
- And that's when it happened.
Great job at rounds today, Dr Reid.
l did it for me.
I always thought parents
were like tornadoes.
Great talk. Anyway, Johnny,
but l wouldn't know
what l was hearing anyway.
I probably should've
woken him up to say goodbye
you'd have to ask the nanny.
You said you loved it and wanted
to be buried in a vat of plátanos
l spend my life going in a circle around
this place cleaning up after the sick.
- Sound off like you've got a pair!
you want to talk to me about.
Every one of our parents does
considerable emotional damage,
if today was the first time
you ever even met your daddy.
You can do the ending.
l do like that Cuban restaurant.
Yeah. But if we ever get married, we'll
have to talk about this in therapy.
And I realised some things that
deep down I probably always knew.
Maybe the truth is he's
just a middle-aged, lonely guy
how cool it was to see you.
So l could swing back out
and see you.
l pooed a little.
it appears the boys in radiology
owe me quite a bit of money.
Aired 18 years ago - Mar 12, 2002
J.D. has a patient who's rude to him and the nurses and eventually dies from cancer. J.D. feels awful for not giving him his full attention and worries maybe he could have saved the guy if he was nicer to him.
Meanwhile, Elliot is convinced that Dr.
Kelso is the one singing a song called "Tuscaloosa Heart" on a tape given to her by a patient who claims he went to college with Bob. And Dr. Cox finds himself trapped in a love square: He's falling in love with Kristen Murphy, his intern, just as his ex-wife reappears demanding sex – and there's also his crush on Carla.
- Remember the guy's name?
- Robby something, l think.
He's just another patient.
Me no likey mean guys.
Kristen, slow down.
l don't have any change.
''My Tuscaloosa heart''?
You don't have to hide from him.
I went ahead with the date on my own.
There's horrible people right in here.
but your timing
could not be worse.
A lesser person would
mock your inability to move on.
l'm seeing someone right now,
who, by the way, is great,
because l am so afraid that
the first thing might work.
l guess my invitation
must've been lost in the mail.
Maybe in the morning before work.
Son, go back to bed.
l'm fixing Mommy's back.
- worried that's what killed him.
- Could have been the neglect.
- Peace out, Turk.
let everything go
and finally just sleep.
- Bambi, about yesterday...
- lt's back?
ls it hot in here?
lt's like, it's hot!
- Hey, Number Two!
- Number One.
- You think l'm a spy?
Cos l'm all in, baby.
lt's impossible to write
a love song about anyone named Enid.
Have you guys ever stopped to think
that maybe Bunny is just a real bunny?
I'm a '''K''?
What the hell does that mean?
lnitially there were concerns that
Mr Simon may have been overmedicated.
but l was kinda hoping
we could take a closer look at me.
If I did something wrong,
he'd call me on it.
No way, same here.
Moving furniture with that nurse
lf you don't believe me, ask Jordan.
That's too bad. l liked her.
Actually, the music came before Bunny.
and ate tranquillisers
like they were trail mix.
Thank you very much.
But if you're wondering whether
or not you treated Mr Simon differently
lt's always easy to treat
the nice ones nice, isn't it?
it frizzes out and becomes
Aired 18 years ago - Mar 05, 2002
J.D., Elliot and Turk are receiving their first medical students, and now they finally get a chance to see what it feels like to be on the other side. Turk's student is a very attractive young woman, to whom Dr. Cox is immediately attracted. But he
doesn't know his way around women and needs Turk to give him a little help. J.D. doesn't know how to handle his student and Elliot's turns out to the be son of an important CEO.
Aired 18 years ago - Feb 26, 2002
When a rampaging Dr. Cox suddenly shows up at his door in a strange funk, J.D. sees a possibility of a breakthrough in their relationship - until he learns that Cox loses control in almost an annual rite. Meanwhile, Turk elects to partner with
Elliot on a research project so that he can maneuver her back with his buddy J.D., and Carla struggles to fulfill a comatose patient's final request - playing heavy metal music in his room.
I got all the info
on peripheral vascular disease,
- Why? What'd you do?
- Carla had to work, so I scarfed down
- It's you.
- Yeah. It's me.
I'm gonna go to bed.
The last time was when...
My son was a bit of a headbanger.
I love your worry lines.
Broken computers, chairs
through windows, shattered beakers.
- This isn't due for another month.
- But if we finish one week early,
- to write our reports for us.
- I'm not a geek.
How is it that you can blow me off
and it makes you sexier?
up on the bar and make you sing
the theme song from Endless Love.
that's a good point. It is.
Yes, it's a onesie.
I thought I told you not to play
that in the house... Hospital.
or I'm going to forget
to put the chain on Baxter.
We had two good years
and two bad years, but not all at once.
Hope this whole thing
wasn't too yucky for you.
We're out here because
if I go home and go to sleep,
let you skip out on the tab?
He showed up at my house.
You scared the hell outta me.
Thank you so much.
All right. First of all,
Franklyn, there was no crying.
- I get it. I'm a girl.
- Franklyn, you heard it. Say it.
The clique is back together!
Let's get back to work.
What a happy coincidence,
Not a dime, kiddo.
When you rolled out of bed this morning,
did you say to yourself,
on how people deal with their emotions.
How you like me now, bitch?
- I made a joke.
- I sure hope it was a good one.
Franklyn, I am so sorry.
Why is she always here?
I don't want to get
back together with him.
Cos that's my best friend.
At the drive-in
Aired 18 years ago - Feb 05, 2002
After going to bed and spending an entire day having sex, J.D. and Elliot go to work trying to hide their new secret romance, but everybody already knows it.
l just know l went to the door
See now, you even look sexy
holding that slice.
But it'll help people.
Like those two, for instance.
for some psychologist's research project,
and l made him a house
out of an empty shoebox, and...
Here l am during my free time
letting some 1 3-year-old
That is so messed up.
- Do you know where she is?
- Why should l know?
But, during the first game,
l got all caught up,
Are you following me?
Let me talk to her for you.
lt's cool. JD's in the closet
talking to a girl for me.
And out of nowhere,
this fancy-looking guy comes forward
l asked my aunt, ''Who is this guy?''
After l have sex five times with somebody,
l like to have the relationship talk.
From now on, that is your laugh.
The whole floor knows.
We do. Watch this.
When the Kelsonoviches
settled in Monroeville, PA,
When they couldn't come up with the cash,
You guys are just jealous
we were up in the kitchen
fryin' up some love.
Why did you do that?
How could you think
Thanks a lot, JD. Really mature.
So what do you say?
Fat, gassy, bloaty sex?
There was nothing funny about that.
And here it turns out
the answer's pretty simple.
Probably just a bad ball.
- My baby got a strike!
- l got a strike!
Want me to pick you up?
When l first met her,
she wanted to be a psychiatrist.
l think that's so cute.
l call her Shelly.
You were waiting. l'm sorry, that's...
- ls she right, JD?
- Technically, yes.
And even if he doesn't like it,
lf you don't like something, say it.
Why hide behind stupid jokes?
Why don't we get all my friends together
in a room and we'll fight your friend.
Will they? Won't they? They finally do
and they're happy for ever.
Because l do believe in it.
Aired 18 years ago - Jan 22, 2002
Alex and Elliot argue over missing medication, and J.D. needs to choose sides.
Meanwhile, Dr. Kelso gives Carla a ride to work and she sees a totally different side of him. Turk develops a conflict with Dr. Cox after he finds out that Dr. Cox has secret feelings for Carla.
- That changes everything.
- l believe in Mr Barnes.
Now, you've got to wake up, sweetheart.
You're gonna be late for school...
Wait, please wait, wait
it says, ''if you can read this,
you're standing too close''.
l've been Mr Barnes' caseworker
for a long time.
Have you ever fooled around in here?
They're gonna go right to Mr Barnes.
l'm gonna check on him.
with a shot of vanilla
and a sprinkle of nutmeg.
Do you mind, lady? l am in a rush.
l think what she means is,
she doesn't give a crappuccino.
This is a men's room. There's absolutely
no talking in here. Ever.
Why assume Mr Barnes stole it?
There's lots of people on that ward.
l am not judgmental. lf l were,
l'd tell you your shoes are ugly.
and she wants us to get all kissy-faced
with each other. l get it. l do.
When l was 9, l asked mine if l should
open it and drink the fluid inside.
l don't know. We never think about
how hard it is to always be the bad guy.
- Dr Kelso...
- Don't mention it.
When they said they didn't hear it,
l called them liars and ran.
- What do you think about Alex?
- No way!
Shut up because you're so jealous of her
- Morning, Dr Kelso.
You're Dr Turk?
it's an unwritten law the intern
should agree with whatever he says.
I am the wrong man to play chicken with.
This paperwork has your signature on it
and it is totally sub-par.
You went and got an intern to agree
with you so the guy doesn't get surgery?
- Hey, baby.
- Hi, sweetie.
So, every tox screening came back
negative on Mr Barnes.
- l appreciate it.
- Young lady,
l just do whatever makes me happy.
But the minute you screw this thing up,
but l think it gives me
a completely different look.
Even someone you thought
you could really like.
I gave her some names
of people that could help her.
Aired 18 years ago - Jan 15, 2002
J.D. is frustrated when his budding romance with an ex-patient wilts as their dates are constantly interrupted by emergency calls, while the beastly Dr. Kelso becomes less fearsome to the wide-eyed interns, when Dr. Cox informs them how to avoid the
blowhard's bite. In addition, a perplexed Carla and Turk deal with their first sexual intimacy complication.
lt doesn't work that way. Moving on.
Not you. You still have work to do.
There. Now no one gets to eat it.
to ''all l have for breakfast
is yoghurt and l'm out of bowls,
l've concluded that Mr Yeager
is suffering from... kuru.
you just go ahead
and think horsies, not zebras.
when l thought l had a broken tailbone
and it was just a really bad pimple.
- Last night, when l was with Carla...
- Dude, l can't talk.
Where you go...?
Who am l going to talk to about sex?
Elevated C-peptide levels.
Win some, lose some.
All right, welcome to the lCU!
No, really, sit down.
Tip your nurses.
that's really getting annoying.
Last night, Turk and l were,
you know, messin' around.
l have never said ''l love you''
to a woman before.
l have cold hands, and...
Last night, for the first time
ever in our relationship,
l'm due back at the hootenanny.
- You're off, aren't you?
- l'm with you.
You're only 80 minutes late.
She'll still be here.
She's not having an orgasm.
That'd be nice.
Waiting for the roundhouse here.
The old haymaker,
Hey, Alex, l am so sorry. l went
to the restaurant but just missed you.
- Look, JD...
- ''Look, JD, we're still great?''
l was so excited what we were
doing here, l forgot about our date.
Do you understand that
l just barely want to be like me?
My therapist thinks my trouble in bed
stems from a fear of intimacy,
- Not even by yourself?
lt'd be great if you would go to traffic
court for me and make this go away.
How is it, exactly,
that you just said that
- We have to talk.
- No time for talk.
That's the last thing that l wanna...
Take that damn thing off.
Since we said ''l love you'',
l've been feeling all this pressure.
while you're in the bathroom, you fall,
and l can't afford the funeral costs?
- But l love it that you do.
lf she ever walks in on me
while l'm in the bathroom,
''SOB'', ''shortness of breath''
and ''WNL'', ''within normal limits''.
What do you say
we shake things up?
Aired 18 years ago - Jan 08, 2002
A woman slips and falls on the wet floor of the hospital. Afraid that she might sue the hospital, Dr. Kelso asks J.D. to stand by her and be friendly, so she won't sue them. But J.D. is very busy with Dr. Cox's 24-hour marathon to keep his ICU
Elliot is desperate for some attention from Dr. Cox. Meanwhile, Turk snaps at Carla when she steals fries from his plate.
lf that girl who's in first keeps
doing well, we're just gonna take her.
Don't dilly-dally trying
to refill your Prozac.
He's a tricky bastard. He's tried
to die five times on me today.
that's when the tiniest thing
can throw it all outta whack.
Here. Have 'em all.
Have a fry salad.
Dr Dorian, l need a favour.
But hey, it's only been 1 2 years.
The point is that people
are less likely to sue an institution
This is a special phone. lf you don't
answer it, you get to be the intern
Mr Davis, l haven't seen you in three
months. lt's gotta be a record for you.
l may have told her
that she smelled like wet ass.
So, how are you doing?
Get the results of Mr Chervin's
urinalysis. lf the numbers aren't good,
l want you to use me.
l don't care how degrading it is.
- lt puts the lotion on the skin.
- You can do movies and l can't?
''Stay in the MRl room
with that patient.''
l'm sorry. You'll be done in a second.
and you don't even realise
that you're his go-to guy.
Why? What did you do?
OK. lt's not going in.
- He did not run out of here.
- You're right.
- lt's all right. l'm right here.
You got a problem.
That's OK. When we get home,
we can go right to bed.
or l won't let you go to the bonfire
with the beach bunnies.
lt's the bottom of the ninth. lf you're
not gonna be my catcher, who is?
The ''don't'' or the ''say it''?
Help me to help you, Barbie.
We all have
important things to do.
l don't find her pretty,
but since my wife left,
You'll have time to think about it on
the bench. That's where you're headed.
My heart hates ''uggos''.
Dr Kelso, l'm not suing the hospital.
l'm kidding. You don't have
to take me out to dinner.
lf l were in your slippers, l'd sue
this hospital for all it's worth.
l just don't know
what to do about Dr Cox.
He's testing you. You can't be afraid
to disagree with him.
That's the dumbest thing anybody's
said to me around here in a long time.
Time of death, 1 1 .55.
Aired 18 years ago - Dec 11, 2001
It's Christmas, and even though J.D. and the others don't really feel like celebrating, Turk makes a huge deal about it. But his faith and happiness are gone after a very busy night at the hospital.
Dr. Cox has J.D. videotape the birth of the child of one of his friends.
- You want something?
- Nobody likes a cranky punching bag.
There's nothing I can do for him, but
when I go in, the family'll look at me
- You're ridiculous.
- l'm telling you it was a miracle.
l carry around this tiny little
Monopoly piece for good luck.
That's it. Both of you to the window.
Let's go. Right now.
You see all of this right here?
- l've been there almost...
- Listen, Meredith.
so l'm just gonna go get you
someone else to talk to.
My God, his ex-wife.
The tension actually hurts.
- Wrapping presents. You?
- My family.
What better place to give
than right here at Sacred Heart?
- And we gonna bathe them.
- Bathe them!
Little girl. What do you want
Your doctor will tell you
everything you need to know.
Still, no matter what the realities,
the end result is always the same.
So please tell me you didn't use
the tape that was already in the camera.
l could certainly jot down some of my...
l can't believe l'm wearing a suit
at 6.30 in the morning.
No, l'm not going.
A girl said, ''What am l gonna do?''
and l said, ''Babies aren't my thing.''
Here it comes, l see the head!
Charlie and his new haircut.
And now you're here, voluntarily,
Right now, one of them needs help.
ls that... gum or pigeon crap
on my sneaker?
You mean have relations.
- You don't know how l feel.
- Well, then tell me.
How am l supposed to believe in someone
that's gonna let innocent people suffer?
You're such a special friend.
l hate snagtumgopers,
Maybe Dr Cox had pushed me too far.
Whatever it was, I told on him.
Your mom's aware she'll
have to stop breast-feeding?
but they lost the signal.
l don't know what to do.
Aired 18 years ago - Nov 27, 2001
J.D. begins a new relationship with Carla. J.D. gains a new nickname - "Scooter" - and his relationship with Nurse Carla evolves as he begins to out-distance her medical knowledge, while Turk trembles, when he learns that his secret lunch spot was
claimed years ago by the territorial Dr. Kelso.
Elsewhere, Dr. Cox gives Elliot the evil eye when she won't discharge a troublesome patient.
that could push my headache
into a full-blown migraine.
l don't care if it wasn't
good first-date conversation,
So she's actually sedated as we speak?
l love it that my man's
all deep and whatnot.
Look at the time.
Gotta go, it's lunchtime.
Thanks again for the invite, Bambi.
l love photography.
with an annoying patient
and needs to vent.
so it doesn't play that annoying
song every time you get paged?
You don't say.
- l could do it in one.
- Sabotage that relationship.
''Oh, stop.'' ''No, you stop.''
as your virginity.
and a four-pack of Bartles & Jaymes.
You think you can just treat Bambi
like that and walk away?
that's fine, but if you ever yell
at my friend again over nothing,
l just felt like eating in here.
lnteresting. EKG, negative.
Tilt table, negative.
l want her out of here in five minutes
- as many times as you like.
- Actually, sir, it's ''who, who''.
and l'm dead serious.
With the married-by-the-millennium
thing, l go on like, 1 ,000 blind dates.
As soon as l leave, l know
l'm going right back to that mess.
- Give me that, Bambi, that's not a toy.
- My name is not Bambi.
- My name is not Bambi!
- lt's Scooter!
lf l wanted
his ass kicked l'd do it myself.
Dude, chick threats are hot.
Holy cow! Please, no.
There's nothing worse than
knowing you've wronged a friend
- l think l've said all l can.
- See you tonight for the exhibit.
Now get out of here so l can
eat my wife's egg salad sandwich
Did you get into photography
when you were in college or...?
l was doing the whole, like,
turn a frown upside-down.
ls my punishment still coming
because the anticipation is killing me?
Jill is so exhausted.
She's her own worst enemy.
- l'm so angry at myself.
- Thank goodness.
The only problem here is you, OK?
Aired 18 years ago - Nov 20, 2001
J.D. gets to see the hospital through the eyes of a patient when he's admitted for appendicitis. Elliot examines him and he tells everyone how cold and rough she is, which drives her crazy. J.D. doesn't want Turk to operate on him, which hurts
Meanwhile, Dr. Cox is trying to show off to his mentor, Dr. Benson, the ex-chief of medicine, who is also a patient at the hospital. The only thing in his way is Dr. Kelso, who almost dismissed Dr. Benson prematurely.
l'm an attractive man,
we both know this.
Clear out so l can check him out.
Shortness of breath? Dizziness?
See, it wasn't so bad. All done.
l know you're excited with the gown on
but at no time are you to curtsy.
In a lot of relationships, you regress
to the person you were when you met.
Was there something wrong
with my exam?
Yeah, those too. l just think
you could be more comforting.
Dr Cox. Did you get my memo
reminding senior staff
Dr Benson should be able to stay here
until he feels he's ready to go.
Still, Rodin's masterpiece
makes us wonder,
l would give me that news in private,
no matter how angry l was at me.
l can't believe l have to
spend all Thanksgiving here.
I get to cut you open
I get to cut you open
you won't be home for Thanksgiving
l'm pretty good with people.
But your exams...
Do you examine everyone like that
l know. lt's probably why my mom
pushed me down the stairs.
Viral infections can cause pericarditis
and a rapid accumulation of fluid.
Dr Turk, if you will?
Sir, l'd prefer if someone other
than Dr Turk performed the surgery.
- You understand, right?
- Whatever, man.
l must have the wrong room.
For God's sake, you were the Chief
of Medicine here for over ten years.
how you comb your hair
so the horns don't show?
Take those out.
Wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong
or give them
a reassuring pat on the arm.
l'm sorry. lt's my watch, l'll get it.
And on the other side
is my discharge form.
we decided to bring it to you.
They're worried your appendix might
burst so we're going into surgery now.
and I don't know
if it was real or a dream,
- l'm really uncomfortable.
- l'm so sorry.
Even then l don't want them
to overdo it.
l'm sorry to hear about your mom.
Are you at least close with your dad?
Not of this one.
when anybody who's been in a room
with Bob Kelso for two minutes
Aired 18 years ago - Nov 15, 2001
J.D. and Turk become heroes after saving a cameraman's life on TV, while heading to a strip club. But Turk quickly becomes the target of a new publicity campaign led by Dr. Kelso, exploiting the hospital's diversity.
Meanwhile, J.D. worries about
his evaluation. Elliot is going out with Carla, but in the last minute she blows her off and later Elliot runs into her in a bar.
Man, this is so uncomfortable.
Have a good time tonight.
Now I think about it, I'm psyched
to have Dr Cox do my evaluation.
Well, now, l think it's John,
or Jimmy or Ji or hmm.
- These evaluations...
- Just a pleasantry, keep it moving.
- lt could happen.
- Excuse me?
Since when are khakis, a pink shirt
and a neckerchief not hip?
- l'm gonna get out of here.
I can't evaluate myself.
I can't, honey,
Parker wants me to assist.
- Contract didn't stick.
- That's interesting.
And this Friday,
at the Steel Cage Medi-Slam,
She is tasty. Watch me work
a cat and mouse game with her.
Good enough that he asked me
for mouth-to-mouth again.
lt's your call.
Can you believe that news lady?
''What's it like to be a black doctor?''
that l'm a good athlete,
- l didn't enter the contest!
- Smile for the picture.
This is unfair.
You're supposed to do my evaluation.
All right, don't worry about it, Newbie.
l'll evaluate the hell right out of you.
Turk, if you could have seen
the look on her face...
You can't understand something this deep
on any real emotional level.
We've got some things to work out
but we'll get there.
Maybe l'll have a cigarette,
just get a little crazy,
Thanks so much!
Hey, don't go away, man!
lf, by magic, it should happen to
reappear, l won't ask any questions.
Dr Kelso, about these posters...
They're making me uncomfortable.
Dr Turk, you are an employee here.
l can advertise however l wish.
- Are we done?
- l'm really sorry.
You did it cos l don't fit in
with you and your friend.
What do you want me to say?
That you're great?
l mean, did you even wonder why
l told you to do your own evaluation?
What are you good at? What do you
suck at? l wanted it down on paper,
Aired 18 years ago - Nov 06, 2001
J.D. has finally earned the spot as brightest student, but he's got competition: Nick Murdoch, who seems to be nicer, friendlier and has a better butt than him. But even J.D. can't hate the guy, for he is so nice. But he is surprised when he finds
Nick sitting in a corner crying because he can't take the pressure of medical internship.
Meanwhile, Turk is having problems at the operation table and doesn't tell Carla, who keeps bothering Dr. Cox about it.
And Dr. Cox gives Turk a very unique suggestion on how to calm down before surgery.
- Did you nick the colon?
- How about Nick?
- l'd let him drool on me.
It felt weird trying to push Nick on
her. This morning I wanted to kill him.
lf it isn't the brain trust.
Everyone looks up to you. lt's
important you don't get stumped.
Now you've got it. Oh, good.
Yes, sir. Good.
Hey, buddy. How are ya?
Now let me see, just exactly
who to choose? Who to choose?
Nice. Very nice, indeed.
- Huge moment for me.
- l know.
OK, insult me, like you always do.
Even though nothing happened today,
it still kinda freaked me out.
Turk is so lucky
l met him first.
Sir, my hand's tightening up.
Everyone's finally coming around
to my way of thinking about Nick.
- How's Turk doing?
- He's fine, why?
l've gathered you all here
l love nappy-naps.
How do you like me now, Nick?
Paging Dr Martyr...
Why can't you just for once
dig down in your heart,
Dr Murdoch, Peter's developed
a high-grade fever and a cough.
So you had stage fright. No big deal.
Happened to me once.
Stay. Good girl.
Whether or not Nick knew how jealous
and competitive I'd been,
Thanks a lot, man.
Can you grab me some tape?
His blood cultures
don't look good at all.
Listen, l was thinking about
what happened earlier and...
Actually, l met him today.
We had a terrific chat.
lt's hard letting yourself be vulnerable
with someone, you know?
Friday, when you had people over,
you locked yourself in your room
- You look great!
- You're not messing with me?
that the only way l could get by
was to race home
Aired 18 years ago - Oct 30, 2001
Dr. Cox is still facing the threat of suspension, and coincidentally, J.D. is assigned to a special patient: Jordan Sullivan, an important board member. She is very demanding and J.D. ends up sleeping with her after he confronts her. Only he didn't
know that she is Dr. Cox's ex-wife, and now the only one who can save J.D.'s mentor from being fired by the evil Dr. Kelso.
Meanwhile, Elliot is assigned to take care of a shrink whose jaw has been wired shut, and for whom she ends up becoming a patient. Carla's mom makes a scandal after Turk spends the night at Carla's, and when she breaks her leg, Carla blames Turk for it.
l keep doing it. Just act it out.
He says therapy is for people
with more money than problems.
- You should get dressed.
- l can't. lt's still out there.
lt involves music, some dancing,
l'm here because it was the only way to
end my mother's nagging pseudo-concern.
- Your little tests later.
- Nice to meet you.
lt's so much pressure. l can't talk
to anyone here. lt's so competitive.
And sometimes l have no idea
how l'll make it through this.
You'll visit exotic ports.
Maybe you'll even get to meet Charo.
dear God, you'll scream so loud,
l will never sleep
at your place again.
What kind of a shirt is that?
l am such an idiot.
Stop spreading around
l'm going to a party.
l assume my tests are normal.
get back in bed and shut the hell up!
You should be careful
about the build-up.
Don't look her in the eyes.
She'll steal your soul.
Five, four, three, two...
Dr Cox, l know you're suspended but
you're the only one my mother trusts.
When dealing with a crisis, everyone
knows you go right to the source.
The story of my life. Any time l let
my guard down just a little, l get hurt.
See you, DJ, l got a date.
''See each other again!''
Could you just try to hear
what l'm saying? Just this once?
Non-displaced femoral fracture,
Carla's mom's gonna be fine.
- But if you just...
Making me leave her alone like that?
You don't scare me
with those crazy eyes.
This guy's gonna need 30mEqs of KCL.
But this is not why we slept together.
You remind me of him
when he was younger.
Yeah. Once though,
like, back in '93 to '94.
you think it might be, it's always
helpful to talk to someone neutral.
is behind that door sipping water
and killing the career of Dr Cox.
l say yawn because when l actually yawn,
you don't get it.
Aired 18 years ago - Oct 23, 2001
J.D. points out what seems to be a technical mistake to Dr. Kelso, but it was really an attempt of Dr. Cox to save a woman without insurance using a dead guy's insurance. Dr. Kelso and Dr. Cox show J.D. their different ways of looking at medicine.
Meanwhile, the Janitor intimidates J.D., Elliot discovers the healing powers of her boobs and Turk gives Carla a pen he thought he took from the Lost and Found box.
My man Turk is getting it daily,
nightly and ever-so-rightly.
Why would you think we'd slept together?
l've been really busy
at the hospital lately.
Because what l want is for this
to be a real relationship.
l'm certain invasive vascular procedures
have a low success rate on dead people.
- You don't have to be mean about it.
- What do you want from me?
l don't know if they taught you this
in the land of puppy-dog tails
Once every 6.3 seconds,
a man says something stupid
Just look at my badge.
lf you go easy on the stories, l'd love
you to join me for golf tomorrow.
You wanna show a woman you know her,
buy her a little something.
With rich cliché centres?
l talk to my patients. l sing
to them, ask what their hobbies are,
And all it took
was a visit from The Rock.
Every time I think something,
the opposite happens.
The reason l was
bent out of shape yesterday...
of encephalopathy and jaundice
thanks to Bottom-Line Bob.
The doctors in the ER have a box
where they keep all this junk.
A tee, or some tea, sir?
Because l've brought both.
up and down this golf course every week,
What's your pathetic excuse,
you whiny little suck-up?
Don't open it!
Please, don't open it!
Don't make her open it.
Today's the day l finally beat
his uppity, insubordinate...
- lt's a technicality.
- But there's the rub.
Before medicine ever became a business,
lt's about what's best for the hospital.
is because l care
about those patients.
Now tell me, do you have the stones
to sink a putt when you have to?
At least you didn't give your girlfriend
a gift that used to be inside someone.
taking her down
for a TlPS procedure.
Right. Time of death, 6.20.
Do a wallet biopsy on her, and
if the insurance doesn't check out,
with prerenal azotemia?
and l see a great one...
in the Lost and Found Box.
- Excuse me, miss.
- Can l help you?
Aired 18 years ago - Oct 16, 2001
The three interns are each assigned patients with various illnesses. Statistically speaking, one of the three is going to die. J.D.'s patient is 86 year old Mrs. Tanner, who is in renal failure. 20 year old David Morrison is Turk's hernia patient and Elliot's patient Mrs. Guerrero only speaks Spanish and might have lupus.
Come on, that was funny.
No English, huh?
Dude, the 1930s called
and they want their lingo back.
I feel like you're missing out.
This Mrs Tanner,
She says it's amazing your fancy
school didn't teach you Spanish,
Mrs Guerrero is a lupus patient
with shortage of breath
Dr Kelso. I wonder if you could
give me your opinion on a patient?
These labs don't look good.
It's time she got started on dialysis.
How can no one know what the Catch is?
- Don't you think?
- That's probably a good idea.
to be worried about your mother.
I increased the heparin
to 1,500 units per hour.
he thinks he isn't gonna get it ever.
Wait a second.
Go back to where you just were.
That's basically it. Your kidneys aren't
responding to medication any more.
I think I'm ready to die.
Sir, we're really lucky we found
the lymphoma when we did.
He sounds terrific. You two
are becoming best pals, huh?
Spare you. That's good, sir,
cos of the bowling thing.
- What would you do?
- That's way out of my league.
- She doesn't want dialysis?
- But what does that mean?
This is all about you.
You are afraid of death.
Yeah, but he's got a point.
This is a hospital.
And that nurse came by
to shave me again.
And they'd give me reasons
to change my mind.
Number two: go to Asia.
What happened to
''I'll be right back''?
It's a toss-up.
Either way I get a cold drink.
OK, I'm gonna have a ginger ale.
Aren't there other patients
you need to be seeing?
Promise me you'll do that.
Are you OK?
Aired 18 years ago - Oct 09, 2001
J.D. begins to feel distant from Turk, when he leaves him abandoned every time that he tries to talk to him. Elliot fights with Kelso for calling her "sweetheart," and she seeks Dr. Cox's advice. J.D.'s relationship with Elliot goes in a time race, when he has 48 hours to kiss her before he is put into her "Friend Zone."
I'm forced by hospital policy
to answer you.
T-Man. I'm gonna get my grub on.
Not yours. Yours is stunning.
Cover her eyes
and say, ''Guess who?''
The Weakest Link!
A combination of steroids
I could see what was going on
in Elliot's head.
You haven't seen it with us
saying all the lines.
- Tonight's still about us.
- Whatever, I don't care.
You're not listening
to a word I'm saying.
I'm not that guy.
You can go and ask anybody.
he'll have a whole new level
of respect for you.
When you say sweetheart...
I know relationships change, I guess
I thought yours and mine never would.
Can you look at Mr Bidwell?
His temperature's starting to spike.
Well, I am so sorry, sport.
It's hard to see a patient
get worse instead of better.
Course, there's also
a chance he could die.
No. Don't move.
You love who?
It's nine up, OK? We just
lost our fourth, it's your ball.
I decided to teach Turk
and Todd a lesson on the court.
JD, I'm gonna show you...
Yes, I did. Dr Kelso,
I just wanted to say, well,
You've got to leave me alone
or I'll punish you.
I'm sure you'll see him
before I do, so...
Explain it to him.
- Hi, how are you?
If you know something, by not
reporting it you're as culpable.
The value, and this is important,
of leaving me alone.
I swear to Aisha,
I'm going to hurt them.
You're right. I need to learn to
pick my battles. Thank you, sir.
The only person
that could've given him insulin...
- Thank you so much. You saved my ass.
- No, it wasn't me.
But if there was someone you were into
you'd be doing the same.
Aired 18 years ago - Oct 04, 2001
J.D. tries to persuade a smoker patient to quit smoking in order to impress Dr. Cox, who is just feeling lonely in his opinion. Elliot's attitude towards Carla annoys her, thus Turk is able to go on a date with Carla, when he convinces her to forgive Elliot.
Aired 18 years ago - Oct 02, 2001
John Dorian, "J.D." to friends, is a boyishly handsome, self-deprecatingly funny, likeable guy who would be confident if he only realized his assets. Four years of medical school have prepared J.D. for his first day as an intern at Sacred Heart
Hospital - but he has his doubts. As J.D. is thrown into the chaotic world of hospital life, we not only get to see the quirky characters that he encounters, but also hear the humorous commentary of thoughts streaming through J.D.'s head. By J.D.'s side is his best friend since college, the handsome and confident Chris Turk. As a new surgical intern, Turk struts around with a gregarious and cocky demeanor that hides a terror that he only admits to J.D. Both guys initially have the hots for their attractive fellow intern, Elliot Reid, but J.D. quickly finds out her beauty is only surpassed by her hyper-competitive attitude. Guiding the interns' education are those with more medical experience. Dr. Robert "Bob" Kelso, Chief of Medicine, wants the interns to think they can count on him. On the other side of the personality spectrum is Dr. Percival "Perry" Cox, a steamroller of a man short on patience. Watching over the interns with a caustically teasing but caring demeanor, is nurse Carla Espinosa, a woman who is motherly and sexy at the same time - which appeals mightily to Turk.
Every male in my family is a doctor.
That's why Dad gave me a guy's name,
Two, here are your manuals.
Don't look at me
when we're moving someone.
Poke it through his skin. Now!
He is inches from Carla's rack
and hasn't flinched.
I've been thinking a lot about Elliot.
A whole lot.
- l knew the answer.
- l'm sure you did.
that's the correct dosage.
and may in fact be Satan himself.
Back when they lost
what made them people.
nobody'll ask you to do anything.
Bambi, here's Mrs Lenzer's tox screen.
Surgical interns are all
slice 'em and dice 'em.
lf l find a penny in there,
l'm taking you down.
l don't know.
Why couldn't I do that?
I hated him at that moment.
Tell him that's stupid.
Tell him you need him.
Do me right here.
I was sitting on the floor
for two reasons.
I heard Turk
was gonna move in with Todd.
l'll call you, OK?
l just did five minutes ago.
Look, worst-case scenario,
This is fun.
You talk like that,
do you even know my name?
And some days, l need
to feel good about something.
Are you flirting with me?
I'll never forget that moment.
I just wanted to help people.
everyone would know my face
was like this the whole time.
l already took the keys
out your bag.
Did you ask the Burski family
for permission to do an autopsy?
ln fact, why don't you
just head on home?