Aired 18 years ago - Apr 17, 2003
J.D. and Turk's college buddy, Spence, drops by for a visit, and accidentally tells Dr. Cox a secret. Too much partying with successful Spence causes Turk and J.D. to show up late and drunk for work, which Dr. Kelso fully reprehends them for.
Elliot's feeling low since she can't measure up to Dr. Kelso's standards, and the Janitor starts another feud – this time over paychecks – with J.D.
That's good, good sauce.
- It feels warm in my tummy.
- Good morning, angels.
But you said it was his.
And you said something else.
You guys landed your dream jobs, huh?
Hey, man, how am I supposed
to finish this memo?
- When do people yell "stat"?
This is not a good day
to be late.
Dr Reid, do an ABG
on bed four without waking him.
of the persistent ST elevation
on any EKG?
No one? Self-five.
OK, I didn't tell you the kid
was yours and you're upset.
By the way, 987654320.
to have a janitor
make more than you?
- Ferrets are nice.
- They're mean.
- It's too hot on my eyes!
- I'm OK with it.
- Dr Reid.
I chose you because I am hoping
that you will ask yourself,
- You're making jokes?
- I just want this to be OK.
- So you boys are doctors, huh?
- OK, whoa, Frannie.
Part of being a doctor is learning
to deal with the unexpected.
Sometimes it's just having to work
in wet grundies.
No, you look. If someone had
asked me just this morning,
for a lifetime supply
of my foot up your ass.
After what happened, I was
in no mood to be messed with.
The smart money says
you'll be cleaning it tomorrow.
Turk and I both knew
who was responsible for all this.
Dr Kelso's been torturing me lately.
I can't, I have a presentation.
Every time I turn around,
The next time you decide
to make a stink over nothing,
We've been dancing the same
dance for years now.
I'm not going home until you promise
you're coming with me.
You have to have that desire,
Aired 18 years ago - Apr 10, 2003
J.D. carries on with his romance with Jamie, but finds himself at a dead end after realizing she's a drama queen. Dr. Kelso makes Dr. Cox give a class on how to approach the patients nicely in order to prevent possible law suits. Carla's mother dies and she wants to get married.
I had the wife
whip up a pair for you.
of all your teensy snafus.
To that end, if any of you still feel
the need to flap your babble holes,
I tell her way too much.
I know, because I'm a drama queen, too.
Because you have no idea
just how frustrating it is
I know. Here I am,
supposed to be Dr Give-A-Crap.
I'm not a resident, so I'm not
going to your lame-ass seminar
I just came to check on you.
Thursday, Friday. Weekend, optional.
I'll be wearing shorts.
Oh, my God,
she does want drama.
If there were anything I could do
to make you feel better, I'd do it.
- She says spontaneity is romantic.
- Wow, that is romantic.
I know you would've hooked it up.
to keep the drama alive.
I'm warning you,
stop eyeballing my woman.
- Why can't you admit I'm right?
- Because you're not right.
Lester, honey, I don't want you
using the stove on your own.
And what about you there, Beavis?
I'll use the rest of the carrots in that
bag to make you completely airtight.
You know Turk says, "Hey, player,"
when he means, "Hey, buddy."
plus you said
you'd call my mom and explain.
Dammit, Perry, you're there to teach.
but I'm not sure I carry it on
without all the drama.
When hospital employees
fail to communicate with patients,
They didn't. I'm auditing.
Some of them need you
to hold their hands, and you should.
Although it smells a little bit like
Look, I'm sorry, OK,
for so many things.
What's up with the man-thong?
Aired 18 years ago - Apr 03, 2003
Jamie's (T.C.W.) husband died, and J.D. struggles with the ethical issues involved in starting a relationship with her. Dr. Cox babysits his son, whom Jordan still hasn't chosen a name for, and is disturbed that he feels nothing for the baby. Turk is haunted by erotic dreams about Elliot, which gets him into hot water with Carla.
She's probably feeling awful
so say something reassuring.
there are a lot of ways to grieve.
I think it's really cute
that you're worried about me.
check his diaper every 15 minutes,
no bouncing around, no loud noise,
- Have you named this thing yet?
- I'm naming him after my father.
Between my list of family and friends
I'm wondering if
my prescription deodorant isn't working.
- Was I the girl?
- Yeah, you were the girl.
I'm gonna try not to call Jamie. I know
she shouldn't be in a relationship yet.
Then it's your obligation as a doctor,
and your privilege as a woman,
that his liver has lesions on it
and it doesn't look good.
You get to fantasise about vanilla wafer
I'm freaking out. I can't stop
having sex dreams about Elliot.
This is perfect. In here
I can accidentally see his wiener
If I stand out there,
everyone tells me to do stuff.
You must be Dr Dorian.
I am Rolf's brother, Hermann.
I got the results back from your biopsy.
- What is the prognosis?
- It's not good.
Weird. I could swear
that while I was in surgery,
was a non-ST elevation
- You speak German?
- I can do a sweet little milkmaid.
Yesterday I pretty much told him
he was gonna die.
He said, "When I get home,
I'm eating a chocolate cake."
We got Mr Mueller's ultrasound back.
Speaking of crunching, I'm jonesing
for some Double Stuff Oreos all day.
that is totally your problem,
but you'd like to make it my problem?
Since we are sharing,
I have to go and face Jordan
- No, thanks.
- It was worth a try.
If you're having dreams
about another woman,
I just have the one dream
over and over.
- I don't like you.
- Not that. I expected that.
Could you be quiet, please?
It's totally natural to feel trapped, or
uncertain, maybe even a little scared.
No, baby, but I understand.
Aired 18 years ago - Mar 27, 2003
Turk takes J.D. up to surgery, and right from the start J.D. steps all over Turk when trying not to be the geek among the surgeons. Paul hears Elliot say "I love U2" while she was rearranging her CDs and thinks she said "I love you too." Dr. Cox
decides to get even with Dr. Kelso by telling everyone he's dead, revealing what people really think of him.
Buddy, I've got your back.
But lay low for awhile.
under B for Bell Biv
or under D for DeVoe?
And the thong, well, that's not
up to me, that's the law, Missy.
Dr Kelso, I was able to locate
the discharge form you wanted.
- Ted, you're a simpleton.
- That's funny.
Either way, second floor
desperately needs a new computer.
I told you I'd hook you up.
I was talking about U2 the band.
You know what? It's fine.
This is my band.
The best part of waking up
Is Elliot in your cup
Palm Pilot Synchronization Day.
I have no words.
and by Cleveland, I mean Hawaii.
Anyway, I have to go catch my bus
to the airport.
to wet both his and Mr Spiller's bed.
I could have looked at my Bell Biv DeVoe
CD and said, "I love Bell Biv DeVoe."
I wish you wouldn't stand close to me
after your hummus break.
I can't wait for my parents to meet you.
I assigned you to another surgeon.
No, it is time to realise
that we're operating on a naked chick.
Tough break, big guy.
Can you? Really? Totally?
You've lost it.
You know, I've been thinking
a lot about us lately.
are you trying to break up with me?
- We can come back later.
I don't give a crap
what these clowns think.
You were so desperate for the approval
of all these stupid surgeons
Hey, Bobcat. Welcome back.
Or that one of the surgeons
paid his dwarf cousin, Lance,
But methinks there's
a sad little cartoon boy
If this cheque bounces,
I'm coming for you.
My God, are you actually telling me
how to break up with you?
- Mostly you were really happy.
- I was.
it was an accident
and I never really loved you at all.
Aired 18 years ago - Mar 20, 2003
J.D. flirts with the wife of a patient who's been in a coma for the past two years, whom they all call T.C.W. (Tasty Coma Wife). He feels guilty for doing that, even though she wants to go ahead with it. Meanwhile, he can't stand listening to any
more relationship problems, as everybody dumps their issues on his ears: Elliot, sabotaging her relationship with Paul over beef jerky, Carla, finding out her engagement ring passed through a patient's digestive system and Dr. Cox's unsucessful attempts to get some attention from Jordan, who can only think about her baby right now.
and instead I'm gonna refer to you
by whatever famous dog I can think of.
Don't bring that filth over here.
He's been on life support for two years.
Since he was transferred to us,
- Please, call me Jamie.
- Jamie? OK.
- Way to step it up, Miss Nasty.
- You told him what happened.
And you wanted above-the-covers sex!
- Did you go to med school?
- No, I mean...
Can't. You seen Turk?
Plus, the best way to meet skanky hos
is to already have a girl with you.
I haven't named him yet.
because it simply means I drove
by a prostitute on the way home.
Old Nosy Nelly
always gotta throw his two cents in.
- Look at that.
- No, no, Jamie.
Oh, yeah, I'm sorry.
- Why is it?
- Because it was in my butt.
It's fun to eat things.
Can't tell you how many happy couples
I know who got started just that way.
Because I'm gonna enjoy watching
this one bite you right on the ass.
So I'm not gonna sweat it
just because I made a new friend.
It's time for me to start my life over.
Five letters. "Showing vulnerability."
- I always suspected.
- We all did.
I can't take painkillers.
my mother never paid
that much attention to me.
and shine a spotlight on it
for the remainder of your days.
It's just been hard for me lately.
- What are you doing?
- Nothing. It's a new therapy.
We all need to respect each other.
I just thought of something funny.
It's weird realising you missed someone
you barely know.
Tell you what.
Give me a little time,
Must be so hard for Dr Look At Me.
Because, for me, it's actually fun
Aired 18 years ago - Mar 13, 2003
A personal secret of Dr. Cox is revealed during hospital visitations by a cocky MD (Jay Mohr), who establishes a rapport with J.D.
Another pretentious private-practice guy
- We got a good one, Sally.
- How's that funny? Ah, just go with it.
What if I was a territorial ass
with a giant ego
And you, don't flirt so much.
You guys wanna go laugh
at the narcoleptic guy?
- Or, in Mr Hilliard's case...
- Sexual arousal?
I feel cute
for the first time in my life.
Remember what Kelso said
about your hair yesterday?
Funny, I thought
this was where we worked.
so you tell me whether life is fair.
- You hitting the crack pipe?
It's not uncommon.
- Girls' names?
- Oh, never mind.
It has a hip guard. I'm guessing
it's always coming loose.
This is so unfair. Everyone has a way
of taking the edge off.
I was just thinking about you.
Monica, just because
you have a new buddy
Just do it.
Quickly followed by stage two:
The young soldier is offered a prize
for his courage.
that'd be great.
But when we talk, I have nothing to say.
How about asking me how I am for once?
- Who are you?
- They call me Carla.
- Three-day weekend.
- Three-day weekend. Columbus Day.
Some just end up lashing out
but Pete's a really cool guy.
Marsha, if I were you,
I'd drop this jealousy thing right now.
Todd, I'm out of extra-long
Because I've got hypertension
- I know it was you.
- You mean this right here?
Open! Open! Open!
Dammit to hell.
- Do you not see the hate?
- What is wrong with you?
What's the deal, Alpha Dog?
Gonna cut me some slack?
My grandma bought me a stock.
I wanna see how it's doing.
You know? I'm OK with my curves.
it's like hearing my swim coach's voice
again. And my body doesn't deserve that.
- Had to be done.
- OK, terrific.
You went and took something
that did not belong to you.
- Say it.
- I'm your bitch.
Aired 18 years ago - Feb 20, 2003
J.D. and Turk think they've got bad karma after hitting a car and causing an accident, while playing golf on the hospital roof. Dr. Cox bends over backwards to give Jordan as much comfort as possible on her labor day, and she confesses to J.D. that
Dr. Cox is the real father. Elliot seeks advice from Carla on how to tell Paul that she's crazy, because they're getting more intimate and she can't hide it anymore. But Carla is feeling too crazy herself with the upcoming wedding.
- Oh, dark roast.
I have gone ahead and taken
care of everything.
I have traded every single one
of my weekends,
Nice job, Alice.
Mr Mahoney threw up on himself.
He needs a bath.
No big deal.
Doctors love to use humour.
And hey, what is the deal with Q-tips?
A golf ball hit my windshield
and I drove into a tree.
- Where's Dr Gerson?
- With that woman.
I hear you, girl.
Turk and I are engaged,
I know, and with Paul, I feel like
we're getting pretty close now.
Hey! You ready for our third date?
This guy'll sue the hospital, we'll get
fired, we'll have to become male whores.
One of the balls you hit
went through the windshield of my van.
I just drew in this eyebrow five
minutes ago, so cry me a river.
I beg your pardon, there, Backdraft?
Always nice to have visitors.
Always nice to have visitors.
Let's not tell anyone ever,
ever, ever, ever, ever.
where you boil your own sewage
if you want something to drink.
Dr Gerson will, in fact,
be in the super-deluxe birthing suite.
- running around here busting his hump.
- Oh, that's nice. I'm going home.
- I will choke her.
- Dr Berlutti, no more talking.
I'm serious. Why don't you do us
both a favour and get out?
Look at that, I bounced back.
Get it off! Get it off!
Somebody get it off!
We had a great time and I know
you wanted me to come in to...
But something just didn't feel right
about last night.
- Oh, I am on to you.
Please, I'm still terrified.
The thing is that this time I am
killing myself for this woman
I think that's a deer.
from coming after Turk and me.
Apparently, my face
is scaring my patients,
The worst part is, Paul is this perfect
guy who wants to take things slow.
When I was a kid,
I got a sunburn like that.
You liar. OK, it was you!
I had with my mother.
So, anyway, I was thinking... Elliot?
I know there's something wrong
but you won't talk about it.
I am racked with self-doubt,
because I couldn't stop thinking about
you having sex on a box of steaks.
Aired 18 years ago - Jan 30, 2003
Elliot meets a nice guy at the bar, but freaks out when she finds out he's a male nurse at Sacred Heart. Turk keeps asking Carla to marry him, but she still won't give an answer. Dr. Cox feels the pressure he puts on himself everyday: His psychiatrist, his subordination to Dr. Kelso and his paternal feelings for J.D.
Oh, my God!
Honk for love! Honk for love!
and I've finally figured out
that even though they're uncomfortable,
Anyway, I invited a couple of my friends
over to the apartment while she's gone.
Take a deep breath
and count to ten before you react.
I want you to relax,
take a big breath, and now...
Bob, the day I willingly cradle
your dusty old twig and berries
always keep an eye out for Johnny,
the tackling Alzheimer's patient.
I hate how so many doctors
are so self-centred, you know?
And by many, many women, I mean three.
Just sign the damn form.
Is that Bengay?
Dr Reid and Nurse Paul... dating.
If I were you,
I would plan to work every holiday
Turk, will you stop?
Shut up, Paul.
You are a man and I am a woman.
- You're dumping me?
- I hope we can remain friends.
behind this boorish bravado of yours
and is so invested
in this narcissistic notion of yourself
Eventually, everyone bails.
No, I came over here to tell you
I traded with another resident
Nervous Guy! How you feeling?
Further explaining your love
of the Latino people.
Are you kissing me
because you want this to go somewhere
- I see your point.
- That sounds right.
- I don't wanna talk about it.
You have six seconds to find
that soda you were holding for me.
it might have resulted
in a mild case of... death.
Great. Why did you do that?
Well, a resident
kinda talked me into it.
because that person
is nothing short of a genius.
Yeah, I'm afraid
it might be a little while.
but I did not blow off Paul
because he's a nurse.
Don't punish him
because you grew up so fast,
Carla, I just met the guy.
It's weird seeing you in the real world,
Did you climb down an elevator shaft
to torment me?
For God's sake, Lily,
stop being such a complete wuss
Aired 18 years ago - Jan 23, 2003
Turk is still waiting for Carla to answer his proposal and asks his brother to stay over a few days to help him deal with it. Dr. Townshend, an old friend of Dr. Kelso and one of the nicest doctors around befriends J.D.
Elliot accidentally finds out the sex of Jordan's baby, becoming the object of Dr. Cox's anxiety.
I can't believe I walked naked through
the halls of the hospital last night.
- This here is fit for a king.
- Well, that's good.
I'll sleep on the couch
and you cut me a cheque for 80 grand.
- Does that sound fun to you?
- No, that wouldn't be fun.
Whatever, Mr Yesterday-l-Had-Chest-Hair
Quite frankly when one does,
one shoots to kill.
Step this way, I'll be more than glad to
tell you more about what you've won.
- He tells that one a lot.
- I know.
How's that great marriage of yours?
- Yes, we are.
- No, we're not.
- Sorry, I've got nothing.
- It's common to feel differently.
I don't know why you keep
doing these things to me.
I've got a meeting this afternoon,
but what do you say
Man, you're engaged? Congratulations.
Hey, Chris, come on, now,
I was just playing.
This is ridiculous. I'm going to
find out the sex of the baby.
Shouldn't I do a modified Seldinger?
It's much safer.
Whether it's because you can't bring
yourself to make an important decision.
I was on that island
because somebody else put me there.
Dr Townshend feels even worse
for making me do the procedure.
to find the world's
smallest diamond ring
involved in a long-term,
You do those things,
and when you're done,
Here's the inside scoop. I have
leverage. You're familiar with leverage?
We're gonna look out for him.
This is Brent, from Parking.
He's gonna stop spitting in your food.
Bless us and thy gifts we are about to
receive from thy bounty through Christ.
- Once a month until she's dead.
- Sir, do you have a second?
Shape up, son. Lord knows you're never
gonna get by on your looks.
I can't believe this attitude.
I've taken care of you your entire life
- Girls can play baseball, too.
- I know what girls can do.
Oh, you are just
so going to pay for this.
Oh, jeez, Bob,
don't creep up on me like that.
- Of course.
...your oesteoporotic patients
aren't on bisphosphonates,
Once again, sorry I was the one
who introduced you in the first place.
Barkeep, I'm going to need these two
glasses and that bottle of whiskey.
Aired 18 years ago - Jan 16, 2003
J.D. bonds with a patient, who is waiting for a heart transplant and discusses with her their idea of what death must be like. Elliot puts her foot down and demands a feminine locker room from Dr. Kelso. Turk decides it's time to propose to Carla, but a kid swallows the engagement ring.
- Anything for you, honey.
- Thanks, Mama.
If I finally get a damn heart,
there's like this balance, you know?
I heard mitral stenosis.
I need an extra set of ears. Let's go.
Oh, dear, should we send him a card?
A man's office is a reflection
of who he is, don't you think?
Somebody's covering for me tonight.
I'll take her to a restaurant...
I think I can speak for all of us
when I say, "We'll live."
write it on a piece of paper
and slip it in my suggestion box.
do you have to be a doctor
to change in there, or what?
This can work.
We can be there for each other.
had we known about this beforehand,
we would've suggested you think twice
You've had six bran muffins, Ralphie.
How is it that you don't have to go yet?
trying to push the dookie out, Ralphie.
Next time your son has a bowel movement,
Mrs Larkin's aggressive. She won't let
her husband finish a sen...
Roseanne, now granted, I was, as usual,
only half listening to you,
Sometimes words come easy.
Ultimately, you grit your teeth
and just say it.
- What'll happen to the baby?
- We're gonna do our best.
my wife could die, and if we do,
our child probably won't live.
We gotcha. There's a camera there.
There. And there.
Dr Kelso, I am not leaving here
until I get an answer.
Ah, back when I was a resident,
Ted, get the hell out of my office.
I don't think you people
are getting how difficult this is.
throw in a headlock
and draw a moustache on,
I just didn't have a place to change.
Put that in your suggestion box
and smoke it.
I gotta ask you something before you go.
I think that'd be OK, too.
It's the waiting I can't take.
Everyone's all dressed up,
and singing to the rafters,
But then you wake up
in the hot nurse's office,
I guess, for my part,
I think death is a lot like that story,
- Yes, Ted.
I just never imagined
that when you actually asked,
I love you. I really do.
Aired 18 years ago - Jan 09, 2003
Comeuppances are in store for Dr. Cox, Dr. Kelso and J.D. from a hypochondriac, a surgical patient and Elliot, who wants more than just sex from J.D.
Are you kidding? If he turns out
to be her brother,
Oh, joy of joys, Mr Corman,
you've joined us yet again.
I share a glass of ouzo
with this guy named Yanos.
Well, I read the symptoms
on the Internet, OK? I have Yaba.
But if that's the case,
it would be way, way down
So, how you been doing?
Still seeing that surgeon?
- Brain. Mrs Kaye is doing great,
- I drove myself.
Cos she's my friend.
- Never mind.
- Hi, JD.
he was telling a different
Dr Reid not to stop.
So she wants to play chicken, huh?
Well, buckle up, missy.
and they're negative
we can go ahead and check out
your bone marrow.
- You know, Elliot...
- What's up, medical dogs?
Great! You know,
but there's no rush for you to move out.
so when I pack for vacation
I just pack cleaning supplies.
- I didn't mean it that way.
- How did you mean it?
Son, the woman is recovering
from major surgery on her...
Horrible pain. I made sounds
like a dolphin giving birth.
She was going,
like, 35 miles an hour.
I'm afraid you have
- Yeah, I do.
- Thank you.
- You can do it.
- Bless you.
Don't worry, Dr Zeltzer.
He's only kidding.
Now she all mad.
I guess she told him.
if I don't get it back to you
Oh, no, sir. Never use drugs.
whether it's that
doobie brother in there,
So you decided
to put your penis in there?
But you know what? Pat yourself
on the back all you want,
I should have been there
for you last night.
Throw her down on that gurney
and mount her like a lion.
and became insensitive with
another human being is my fault?
Aired 18 years ago - Jan 02, 2003
Renewed sex with J.D. calms Elliot, who's facing personal and professional dilemmas: She's broke, and patients are bailing out on her.
Come on, we could rent a movie.
Got a fresh pack of Uno cards.
No, I mean it. Like you did last night.
Come bite me.
- We're a train wreck.
- So we can't keep doing this.
We could just be sex buddies.
Mr Marrick, even if your son isn't
circumcised, he'll still look like you.
- Are they still going at it?
- No, Kelso calmed them down.
I have been crazy busy
on the phone with bill collectors,
- Don't worry, I'll take care of it.
- Thanks. Bathroom!
Dammit, In my hospital we do not
go out on a limb with our opinions.
- Or "Hell, I don't know."
- Couldn't think of a third one?
I'll just rip her stitches open, jam
my head in and have a look for myself.
She screw up
with your patients, too?
- See ya, bud.
- Later, dude.
Where's the wiggle room in that?
There's no wiggle.
You don't want Turk
to know what's going on.
but women have a hard time
separating sex from emotions.
is totally hitting that dude,
he's totally hitting him.
How's Mr Lawrence doing?
they couldn't stand it another second?
No, you don't.
She switched off too.
I guess when you work
in a world of uncertainty,
JD, I had such a crappy day. I really
need you right now. Come here.
Ah, she's a tough kid.
You can tell her later.
I don't get it. Why are so many
patients switching off on me?
Yeah, I miss you too.
I haven't spoken to you in so long.
No, sir, I don't think
all black people are Jamaican.
Well, I didn't.
Do you know what it is?
When I was a kid, I had
my first sex dream about Mr Hooper.
That's a good thing. Now you have time
to take care of your life.
he's been acting weird lately,
I would say it's because...
I wonder how he'll take it.
Time to take the "GR" off my "gratitude"
and give him some attitude, JD style.
I wanted to protect you,
give you a break.
Walk in and tell her things are getting
too serious. Just butter her up first.
Turk was telling my patients
to switch off of my service.
What's with the mouthful of Chicklets,
above him pulling the strings.
is why you even give a hoot.
Hello, Richard. Tomorrow at lunch
I'll bring you a new basketball.
- Come on, where's the love?
stop you in your tracks.
was go to surgery and schedule himself
for an early-morning add-a-pair-domy.
Well, hell, Barbie, look at me.
It's not like I've always been
- So, what do I do until then?
- Get your damn life in order.
You evil little witch.
Aired 18 years ago - Dec 12, 2002
Elliot still doesn't have a place to live. J.D. think he's lost his mojo when he can't even kiss the giftshop girl while they go out on a date. Turk and Carla are having romance problems, because she feels he's not being as generous to her as she is to him. And Dr. Cox freaks out when he lets Jordan move in to his place due to her pregnancy.
Turn Gift-Shop Girl
into Gift-Shop Woman.
You can either be a jerk as usual,
there is something about a pregnant
woman that's almost spiritual.
- You know what I hate?
- So many things.
- Bring it on.
- Well, great. See you tonight.
Oh, my God, did I just ask
my ex-wife to move in with me?
I should give you
a sensual massage,
I know how much you like
that rinses the shower
thoroughly after each usage."
- OK, JD?
Sir, my father cut me off...
- Lucky girl.
in case when I get home
I wanna take 300 of 'em? OK, bye.
the gift shop nowadays.
then I'll come straight home...
Of course, with the food.
- Did I fall asleep?
When you were an intern,
you were exhausted from work,
What are you doing in here?
between a doctor on call
you better have a damn rent check
or a massive coronary
I was nervous when you spent
five minutes talking through a napkin.
Yeah, I'm a doctor.
All the symptoms are there.
Sometimes it makes you so tired
of taking care of people at work,
Babe, I'm sorry.
Like your mojo.
- Newbie, what's up?
- Everything's up.
I get it.
I haven't paid you back,
Luckily, I had a friend
I could talk to about anything.
Listen, Perry, shockingly, I'm not
looking to make the permanent move
Cos it doesn't to me.
One minute we're clicking,
Crazy person says what?
I have no reading material
for my daily, post-lunch...
I used it all trying not to stare
at that albino doctor down in radiology.
and he just
never seems to show it.
I thought the person
who'd understand would be Carla.
- Poor Newbie.
You're living out of a van,
like a hobo or...
What'd you page me
to the roof for?
So I brought us
a couple of salads.
Aired 18 years ago - Dec 05, 2002
Ever since her father cut her off financially, Elliot's been feeling the weight of the world on her back. While having to find a new affordable place to live, she also has to face the threat of being sued by a patient whom she told he had only eight
months to live. Carla and Jordan hit a sore spot when Carla gives her opinion on Jordan and Perry's relationship.
Meanwhile, J.D. has a fight with Dr. Cox and the two dispute over who gets to give the better treatment to two patients with the same prognosis.
Doctor, could you
sign these, please?
if you weren't such a nerd,
Please explain medicine to me,
Such a lucky foetus!
Not another damn word.
- Could you be a bigger ass?
- Could you have a bigger ass?
- I'm gonna talk to him.
- Here we go.
Elliot, listen to me. You have
to sit down and make a budget.
This thing is just as much
her fault as it is my father's.
Now, you hold onto this,
I got used to it. You guys
never had to deal with that.
I bet that snowflake thing
is bogus, too.
Here's the newsflash there,
Skeech, it was a fluke.
And I checked
tonight's TV listings.
Listen, we just think
that getting back with Jordan
That pretty much the way
you feel about it there, Gandhi?
You're just a little
dehydrated from the chemo.
I prepared myself, you know?
And by that, I mean "no." Never.
I know that probably
seems insensitive to you...
Dr Reid, I need to talk to you
about your patient, Mr Bragin.
Which one of you two's
been messing with my business?
My God, I care so little
I almost passed out.
- See, he's pissed.
- Because his name is Frank.
where you spoon-feed me some lesson
and call me a girl's name.
Can you put a rush on this autopsy?
I gotta figure this out.
Now I can't earn any money
because my job seems trivial.
You asked how much
time you had left!
Excuse me, ma'am. Jordan!
It's easy to see
other people's problems
and trust me, you're not gonna
like what you see.
I don't know. I didn't look
for any of those basic things
She's only 24 weeks.
Cut it out right now.
What's your honest opinion
of these drapes?
Now, you haven't discussed the lawsuit
with Mr Bragin, have you?
- So sue me!
- Or admit fault.
Take a breath, Dr Reid.
No. I didn't say anything
that wasn't true.
why don't you tell me what I forgot?
Why do you always
have to be like that?
I'm doing it because if I don't,
people would die.
The nurse didn't break your bed.
You just press this button.
I'm even blaming you
for jeopardizing my future.
Jordan was right about me.
Aired 18 years ago - Nov 14, 2002
When an expectant Jordan shows up unexpectedly, Cox is forced to choose between her and his new love, Julie.
Meanwhile, J.D. and Turk take advantage of the hospital's supply closet for sleep, when they take on extra shifts at a free clinic to
supplement their income. Carla encourages Elliot to stand up to her father, when he pressures her to pick a specialty more "suitable for a woman."
Oh, Perry gonna get
This is the reason why
your headache didn't go away.
And they said they'll pay you
200 bucks. Cash money.
My dad's coming in to town
for a conference tomorrow.
I'm glad we all finally
experimented with each other,
sniffs around you
like a little puppy dog.
I mean, I can't even look
at my own bajingo, you know?
It could be the funny face
I made with my peas.
but Turk and I make do.
Dr Dorian, we could
use you again tomorrow
Oh. Well, that's good.
and I was able to get
Mrs Jeskie on the transplant list.
because you did not
just wink at me.
What about the women
you've slept with?
So, Dad, how are things at home?
with a very strong and clear
"no, thank you."
You told her to talk to me?
Can't. I'm moonlighting
at urgent care.
Don't ever question me
on The Bunch.
Hey, I was watching that.
and Dr Michaels,
and it's making its way
through your digestive system.
Julie, this is
my ex-wife, Jordan.
I'm already bored by you.
I will be in the bedroom.
Something "boy." I don't know.
Did you steal pudding
and toilet paper?
- You stole my money.
- That was a finder's fee.
Dad, why...are you so set
on me being an OBIG YN?
Well, since I paid
for your college,
Now stop complaining
and enjoy your damn meal.
OK, have one last fling,
but I'll be back, and until then,
So now you're ignoring me?
Help me or we check
the trunk of your car.
No. I don't know.
Hey, lady, I'm proud
of what you're doing here.
Forget it. I was kidding.
I was kidding, really.
- Hold on a second.
so we can send my mother
to a decent retirement community.
- Carla, she said "we."
Yeah, all right. Make it quick.
Aired 18 years ago - Nov 07, 2002
All of the male doctors are euphoric due to the visit of Julie Keaton, the pharmaceutical sales rep, except for Dr. Cox, who still believes in treating patients for their best health, instead of trying to get some attention from the hot Ms.
Meanwhile, J.D. and Elliot argue over a risky decision regarding one of Elliot's patients. Turk tries to talk Carla into entering a practitioner nurse course, so she won't be so underestimated by the doctor's staff.
Hi, handsome. I'm Julie.
You're almost there.
There is no one I hate
more than that Medusa.
my blood pressure
was through the roof.
Well, yes, it does, but here,
that's what makes it delicious.
I really don't have time
to pretend we never met, OK?
You're slimy and turn everything
into a double entendre.
This is officially
the greatest day ever.
in his class's production
I know I'm right because
I'm a wait-and-see kind of guy.
Oh, and my hair never gets
in my face. So, yes, yes, I do.
Dr Cox, I hate to bring it up again,
but it seems important.
that you're helping her
I'm just increasing
your Lidocaine drip
a little at-work
- "Just a nurse?"
- Did I say "just a nurse?"
Why does it have to be like this
every time I come here?
that they get an outside shot
of you showing them
and you're part of the system,
that means you don't care either.
that feels good.
This is a crucial moment.
Pick your words carefully.
than having to explain
why your patient died.
Baby, I know you had a rough day,
and I was part of it.
You just flat out
get women, don't you?
so unless those things dispense
A1 Sauce, I'd keep moving.
Finally, we have Dr Reid's
necrotizing fasciitis case.
that the hospital
will stand behind you 100 per cent.
Man, I love Animal Planet.
By making the tough choice, she at least
gave Mrs Kahn an honest shot.
That's right, turf and turf.
- That'll pass.
- I still think it's lame
Hey, you never told me that
Hold up. My baby's happy
with being just a nurse.
I can't believe anyone
would look down on me
You know what? No.
No, you may not speak.
We've started a new game now,
it's a family business.
I'm interested in you.
but if you order a strong anti-emetic,
that'd be great.
And if I went to class
five nights a week, well...
Aired 18 years ago - Oct 31, 2002
J.D.'s brother is in town. Turk is thrown out of a patient's funeral for not knowing his name and feels even worse because earlier he made a bet with Dr. Cox over another patient's life.
then my dad made me play the tuba
and I developed massive forearms.
Dodging the funeral? Nice.
Wait a second. You treated him, right?
So you should want to go too. Right?
where you guys were good enough to help
him kick that nasty oxygen habit he had.
maybe give Dad a call, and make sure
I sleep with that Elliot chick.
You mean the popcorn balls
and the deformed lollipops?
- Don't listen to him.
- I never do.
The guy's 1,000. Is he gonna take
a steamer over to Europe
I need some sugar over here.
you just make me sick.
- Excuse me?
- You just told me it was gonna be you.
- You'll still have your doubts.
Message received, sir.
If he tries hard, but there's room for
improvement, sip your drink.
- Pay the man.
- There you go.
See, you just made a $20 bet on whether
a fellow human being would live or die.
When the college kids come home,
it's where they go.
More like Kirk Cameron
in the last season of Growing Pains
And I think he knew it too.
Every time you say that,
an angel gets their wings.
I don't think so.
Miss Parker, you care to weigh in?
- Thank you so much for coming.
- We've been looking forward to this.
I wanted to say something. I was
this close to getting back in the car.
Babe, you have got to try one of these.
They are to die for.
No, no, no I remember his name.
His name was...
No, it's just that recently
I've had a lot of patients.
This is Bob. That's Bob?
- What costume?
- You weren't wearing a gorilla suit?
- I didn't ask you to do that.
- That comes free with the folder knock.
If I had one shred of evidence
that incident actually took place,
Turk, wait, people get thrown out
of funerals every day.
then getting knocked back down
into this puddle of self-hatred
She taught us how to bob for apples
and three guys passed out.
Maybe that you're embarrassed by me
you make excuses to your friends
- Let's go. Field trip.
- I got things to do.
You think anybody else in that room
is going back to work today?
Aired 18 years ago - Oct 24, 2002
Elliot sleeps with a handsome doctor she hardly knew and soon becomes the hospital tramp. Turk suffers from his back after operating with Dr. Amato, a very short surgeon. J.D. finds out that wearing a white coat doesn't make him a better doctor, but
is upset by having Dr. Cox throw in his face that he made another mistake. And Dr. Kelso is just dying for an opportunity to lash out his anger on Dr. Cox.
what's important, coat, not...
And for the love of God, do you at least
remember what you were doing
and you just drove on by.
I don't know, I'm just guessing.
Focus all energy on lip not quivering.
You take your time.
- How was that not funny?
- I don't know, dude.
No, I enjoy needing you to lower me
on the toilet in the morning.
Well, you just be careful.
- Does that happen a lot around here?
- Not enough.
In the case of sinus infection
not responding to antibiotics,
- How's it going?
- You can't wear that.
If you're gonna survive in medicine,
you've gotta accept rules are rules.
I think it would be even more
impressive if I was shirtless.
- Puppet gun. They'd sew it to his hand.
- OK. I'd watch that.
I'm just as cool as those guys.
Elliot's a friend of mine,
so I don't want to talk about that.
- I was paged.
- Patient's complaining of anosmia.
it finds a new way to get you.
Do you have any idea how much money
this hospital makes from that GI trial
The two scoops, they were packed
with flavour. You know what I'm saying?
call me and tell me how great it is.
God, you cut off someone's nose?
My God, we're OK.
Dr Turk. Down here.
but if my other choice
is being in that boys' club,
No, Dr Murray, I don't want
any fries to go with this shake.
- I want to know where the G-spot is.
- The what spot?
Can't you for once
not be such a busybody?
Oh, no, I'm not a doctor. I'm a janitor.
Is that a man's back?
The patient Dr Cox
got into the GI clinical trial.
Knowing I was right and he was wrong,
I thought I'd enjoy this walk more.
Anosmia isn't a side-effect
of IV imipenem.
I can't honestly decide
whether to say "duh" or "doy"
And, I know, maybe it's me,
but doesn't that seem like something
Aired 18 years ago - Oct 17, 2002
J.D. insists that Carla should open up to him. When she finally starts to do that, J.D. screws it up by telling Turk. Elliot is desperate for attention from Dr. Cox. Turk sees himself in an ethical dilemma when Dr. Kelso picks him over a female surgeon to spend a weekend in Mexico.
- Yes, that's it.
I guess after a while,
you just stop being surprised by people.
- See, that's how they get you.
- That's right.
But I'm still gonna ask.
- Because I'm sharing with you.
- OK, I'm leaving now.
- She's like a ninja, but worse.
- Nothing's worse than a ninja.
Not entirely unlike a ninja.
why can't I ever be the one dying?
Well, I was. Anyway, if you want,
I could talk to his wife.
but I just really like being there
now let me tell you some things
you don't want to hear" routines,
- Rough day, huh?
I don't like the way I look,
I don't like the way I think,
There. Now you think
I'm the craziest woman here.
and you're doing
yet another appendectomy.
- Anyway, I've made my decision.
- Thank you, sir.
What? Turk and Bonnie?
They hate each other.
Carla. Trust me, there's no way
that he's cheating on you.
- How'd it go with Mrs Tillman?
- It was awesome.
Sorry, sir. I just can't believe
Kelso chose me.
Troy, let me fill you in on this guy.
The cafeteria is just a happy place.
Wait, when did I learn sign language?
Mr Hogan, I've come up
with a little mantra for you.
OK, you can fix this.
I'm so sorry.
Does this mean you're married?
Dr Kelso, don't you think
that's a little sexist?
Tell you what, let's stop jiggling
each other's marbles.
I just wanted to say if you had
any other bad-news situations,
I just want to wash it. Is that weird?
What do you say?
I don't want your charity.
There is some really tragic stuff
except you'll be blind in both.
Hello! We can hear you! Hello!
- Is that so, sport?
- No, sir. It's not so.
It wouldn't hurt you to cut 'em
some slack once in a while.
Now, let's see how you like it
when I walk away from you.
Aired 18 years ago - Oct 10, 2002
When Dr. Kelso challenges the residents by offering a trip to a medical conference in Reno as a reward to the individual, who presents the most interesting case study, J.D. refuses to play along, earning him the respect of Dr. Cox.
In the meantime,
Turk misses his opportunity to ask for a new laser on the one day of the year, that Dr. Kelso grants favors, so he is forced to find another way to come up with the goods.
She had some
real old-fashioned sass.
I'm sorry, Nervous Guy,
but I can't do your work for you.
trying to turn the sniffles into
something more fascinating
Nurse Roberts, I just saw your patient
in 106 and the next time you place an IV
Anyway, you're incompetent.
to ask him for anything
our department needs.
Well, tonight after work, Dr Kelso will
take his wife to a candlelit dinner.
for a new argon laser tomorrow?
We have a lot in common.
We have a hard time digesting dairy.
So, have you found any cool cases yet?
cos I've got it wrapped up.
Front butt. It's like the grail.
You broke your penis.
I'll let you mull it over.
And smile, Mr Davis.
- Are you two friends?
- We're about to be.
That's it. So you think that you
totally get my whole experience
I only have things in common
with nice people.
Love to the wife and kidlets.
- All right, try this one...
- Angie, put on your flats.
Some are so unexpected
that everything else takes a back seat.
Ah, hell, I'm impressed.
Let's get some coffee.
Beg your pardon, Newbie.
What are you thinking?
I could taste my own hypocrisy.
No. Cos it's so old it won't
soak up water. See?
Your abdominal pains
suggest biliary disease,
Bubby, if you want to help me, why don't
you quiet down and get some rest?
- You're getting fake breasts?
- Stripper big.
Can you honestly say there's nothing
you'd change about yourself?
To hell with this "there's only
one day to ask Kelso" thing.
- And you?
- I don't want anything from you.
You can't just change your mind.
Cos I thought it would be nice.
Why? Don't you like it?
Now, if I were to be
really honest with myself,
I'll take some of that.
It turns out the EGD
showed multiple erosive peptic ulcers,
- Newbie, you?
- To marry me.
to be published in a medical journal
can I have a minute of your time?
How can I make love to her
when she's not at fat camp?
How about I don't?
And how about you help me out
and the only thing
getting thinner is my wallet.
No, I was talking to my hair.
If it's even the least bit humid,
Carla, you know,
I would kill for your hair.
Aired 18 years ago - Oct 03, 2002
J.D., Elliot and Turk find themselves alone in the hospital night shift and face responsibilities without supervision for the first time. Luckily, they have Carla there to support and guide them through the night.
Meanwhile, Dr. Cox doesn't know
what to do, when he realizes that he has feelings for his ex-wife Jordan and is asked (forced actually) to introduce Dr. Kelso at a social event, where he will be receiving an award from the medical board.
- Hey, that... He's right.
- You're OK.
Attagirl. Oh, man.
I don't like his O2 cells.
You know, that was kind of demeaning.
The frustrating thing was down in OR,
Turk was probably running the show.
Oh, that feels good.
in no way makes it
any less special.
It's like when my dog Baxter
goes winkle on the carpet.
I scratched my nose
with Bad Guy's toe.
And I'm expected
to hold the doctor's hand.
I'm glad we finally
had a chance to talk.
You still like her.
Play hard for half an hour,
work up a sweat,
It's impossible to actually lie
next to Jordan seeing as she sleeps
As weird as this place is during
the day, it's even worse at night.
Or if there's a full moon...
And tenant-related easements and liens
No, no, no. That was lame.
are stuck here on call tonight?
You're missing the point.
No one is here tonight but us.
OK, Elliot, the ER doctor
knows there's no attending up here
so they're patching
all night-calls through.
That's when I realised, tonight we
really were alone. Running the hospital.
Most of the time
you don't need one anyway, right?
That, my friends,
is one nerdy honky.
Hi. I'm gonna go and get you
a big ice-cold glass of water.
Under no circumstances
tell any of them that I'm here.
OK, Mr Freed, I think I can do this.
Officer Berson's spiralling a bit.
- OK, here's the plan. We do nothing.
- Sounds good.
Turk should've known that
the worst mistake a doctor can make
Ma'am, three baby Tylenol is actually
an underdose for a woman your size.
If you could just keep one person
downstairs, we'd throw a parade for you.
Well, then, understand this.
Chill out, bitty.
I like you... again.
Look, this is pointless,
angry, shallow sex.
so you don't hear me
whining about it.
I see a shrink now. I actually see two,
to tell you the truth.
Good for you, buckaroo.
- Fine. Right. We're even.
- Oh, thank God.
you want more responsibility,
and this decision would be made for you,
but nothing's changed. So it's on you.
Aired 18 years ago - Sep 26, 2002
Relationships between the staff of Sacred Heart Hospital have been shaken since Jordan's revelations. Turk is sleeping on J.D.'s bed, after Carla kicked him out of his own. Elliot is having a hard time facing J.D. every day at work. J.D. desperately tries to get Dr. Cox's attention back, unsuccessfully.
Just keep it down.
Looks like someone switched
to big-boy pants a little too soon.
- What are you smiling at?
- Can I have Mr Buckley's chart?
and the pain-in-the-ass
chief of medicine that everybody hates.
dragged him to the ground where he
and the other turtles devoured him alive
That's the sound
of all the bees in your bonnet.
Steady now. Be brave. Don't cry.
Nipsey Russell played the Tin Man.
Now, Mr Zerbo was admitted with
a high fever and suspected meningitis.
and, by golly, it's a lot harder to
write a big, fat cheque if you're dead.
Gee, sport, stop whining, find out
what's wrong with him, and treat it.
he wants to clear things up
so you don't have to wonder any more.
Baby, I should've told you
how Cox felt about you,
Todd, if you say, "That's what
she said," I will brain you.
Once you're a resident,
you get a decent locker.
And... Yes, Mom...
Yay! I'm straight.
Phen-phen kills people, Mom.
- Auto-immune serologies?
And second, you know
I don't want to talk about this.
What do you say we leave it at that?
I forgive you. You are forgiven.
I'm not hiding, I was just looking
for my... You, know, the...
I have no idea how to treat
this patient. Help me out.
and I feel like we'll always regret it
if we don't see if they lead somewhere.
If Carla's so mad, why doesn't she
just crash at her own place?
JD, this sucks.
- I don't get that guy.
Son, you really ought
to buy that thing dinner first.
Each one of us acting like
the others didn't exist.
Uncool! You look totally hot,
Just go ahead and look
before your neck snaps.
And the sexual tension...
I would think so.
Hey, don't touch your eyes.
You're mad Turk
didn't trust you enough to say.
- Yes, because we're stronger than that.
- Apparently not.
Rounds started five minutes ago
and I totally forgot about Mr Zerbo.
how you ended up treating Mr Zerbo.
- You did nothing?
- Nothing at all.