Aired 13 years ago - May 17, 2007
In the season finale, J.D. and Elliot start thinking about their future and if they both made a mistake in not being with each other. The Janitor activates the "Brain Trust" to come up with the perfect wedding gift for Elliot.
That goes for everyone.
It's amazing how some couples
are so close
please change the subject.
you know, if you plan on sawing me
in half at the altar and yelling,
So this wedding really isn't about us,
- I couldn't make it anyway.
- You gotta have a cutoff somewhere.
That weird birth-control thing
that they sew under your arm skin.
I'm gonna have to ask
for the pager back.
Hold on to this for a little while.
but I'm having some trouble
with my peers.
I will stop calling you girls' names.
I'll see you at the christening.
to be exactly the way you want it.
Is it hard to make yourself
do it every day?
I still don't know what I did.
It's up to him.
you and Jack, you have to wear them.
I'm so tired I could use a naptism.
Look at him over there,
all smug and cocky.
For when a couple decides to bring
Mom, dad and baby.
Or you can talk to Ted, who, well...
And you know that half glass of wine
over the life-altering commitment
I'm about to make.
who lied to me
about being pregnant with my child.
What's a fair number,
a hundred billion?
I will kill you.
I would think an arrogant ass like you
would love having his very own clone.
My gift to her is to train you
to be a good husband.
because my father was late for church.
Still, maybe we're freaking out
about nothing, you know?
You know, people are so passionate
about beets that...
because both of those things require
you to throw all of yourself into them.
Yeah, I'm not walking through fire
to prove my love to Elliot.
your gay ultimate Frisbee buddy,
played by Todd.
Okay, I'm ready.
We're done here.
Aired 13 years ago - May 17, 2007
Kim moves in with J.D. in order to raise their child together. J.D. learns from Turk and Dr. Cox that fatherhood changes the way of how to see things.
Carla complains to Elliot about her being a control freak when they prepare the bachelorette party.
theme park performers and that guy
with the question-mark jacket
- But this is only a one-bedroom.
- This couch isn't that uncomfortable.
who were mad at her
for what she'd done.
All this group anger's made me hungry.
Only I knew the clipboard was blank.
But with this type of surgery, his quality
of life would improve like that.
Because their PDA
has gotten out of control.
I don't care, I'm goin' for it.
Oh, I'm not that bad.
That's why Travelocity's so great.
I hate ultrasounds.
So, do you want to know the sex of the
baby? 'Cause I already found out.
We can name him
Sam Perry Gilligan Dorian?
Should I get a male stripper
for Elliot's bachelorette party?
in a wheelchair until the juice runs out.
Yeah. Six months,
already playing basketball.
Oh, what about a
And I find it odd that a month
after I start working here,
We are talking multiple felonies,
- Okay, let's make a list.
- Sounds great.
Trick or treat!
or my mom's patchy facial hair,
and, no, I didn't flip those.
You don't trust me,
and I don't even know if you like me.
"No" is a powerful word.
Now, I just have to call
a few restaurants.
so, out of compassion,
I pawned her off on my friends.
because my opinion matters so much.
You apologise to your friend right now.
Yeah, well, that was before
I found out he had a kid.
Because I think it...
I can't get the zipper up
on your big fat cousin's dress.
Anyway, the aforementioned Express
I don't know, intentionally annoying you
seems pretty Coxian.
Before Izzy was born, if I saw a
half-eaten meatball sub in the trash,
Newbie, the point is,
when that kid comes,
What I really wanted to say is that
you're my best friend and I'm sorry.
Aired 13 years ago - May 10, 2007
J.D. and Turk go to a medical convention in Phoenix, Arizona, where they run into J.D.'s ex-girlfriend Dr. Kim Briggs, who has a surprise for J.D. Meanwhile at Sacred Heart, the janitor pretends to be the chief of medicine and Dr. Cox starts to put doubts about the wedding into Elliot's mind.
Hey, there, Patrick!
One of those dudes is gonna die
I'm pretty sure
he's sick and tired of saying it.
July 21 st, save the date.
Carla, will you be my maid of honour?
and the photographer that I reserve
every year under a different alias.
He gave some hip-hop hugs.
- You know, convention stuff.
- You know, convention stuff.
I'm sorry about the other day.
Roger, in my defence,
those sounds were very muffled.
I'm notifying all my old boyfriends
that I am officially off the market.
but over the past six years,
you've become a huge part of my life,
please consider this me checking
the "will not be attending" column.
- Listen here, young Dr Gilchrist.
- That's not my name.
- Wait, Ted, Ted, what are you doing?
- I'm a follower.
- That won't be funny.
- No, no.
can accommodate the financial comps.
- Oh, who's this?
- I don't know. Get out.
to actually having to hear you utter
your self-written vows.
Soul mate? Try last resort.
And, of course, Ted.
We haven't really spoken
since the miscarriage.
Do you think she still thinks about me?
Anyone else have a question?
Yes, you in the back.
But then I fought through it
and realised he was the love of my life.
I know that you must be really upset.
I just hadn't figured out how yet.
I mean, what could I possibly say?
And I thought I could do this
on my own,
First, there's the
"Yay, I'm engaged" stage.
You just have to try not to act
like a crazy person.
but may I ask how that happened
in the first place?
Sorry, sir, we don't have Appletinis,
but I could make you a Peachtini.
You know, people running
in the streets screaming,
I literally don't know what to say to her.
Don't you dare!
Look, I love it that after six years
I can still mess with your head.
Of course you did, you're a woman.
Aired 13 years ago - May 03, 2007
J.D. tries to get together with Elliot's sorority sister Melody, but she just wants to make out with him without going further. Meanwhile, Keith re-proposes to Elliot after she gets to make everything perfect, while everyone has fantasies about
being married to Elliot. Elliot and Carla are having problems figuring out what is wrong with two elderly patients, who show the same symptoms but have no obvious connection.
Will you have sex with me?
like some place they've been, or eaten.
Keith and I are definitely having
"First one to be in a threesome,
last one to get married. "
Sometimes I wonder, you know,
You want to join? It's all comped.
but the second you try and take it
further, she throws the brakes on.
Today she's a sad, vulnerable,
last single woman standing.
you two live in different nursing homes
and you have nothing in common.
You're going to fry for this, buddy.
He was in a boating accident
and suffered some brain damage.
I know. Cute as a button.
Where's the front door?
Well, snookums, I'm first going
to check out the market,
I'll talk to her.
Great. Everything came back negative
on Mrs Sheldon and Mr Bilbray.
Next stop: Boob Town,
Sure, I'll be right down.
- I can't believe they have syphilis.
- Yes, Barbie.
I will have you all know
that just this morning
Everybody in the room okay with
pretending that never happened?
For all of us.
My bad. You two could be twins.
and then cuddle,
and then go shoe shopping.
We were just trading stories
about our grandkids.
Okay. Schtupping Howard Steinberg,
who is apparently a lot more
I can't imagine how empty
life would be without it,
- It's horrible.
Aired 13 years ago - Apr 26, 2007
When Keith leaves town for a few days, J.D. expects that he'll finally be able to spend some quality time with Elliot. But he doesn't anticipate Elliot's old college friend dropping by. J.D. switches between hitting on her and competing with her for
Elliot's attention. Meanwhile, Turk and Dr. Cox volley a hypochondriac patient back and forth since there's nothing wrong with him.
Welcome to Turk's Booty Breakdown.
Smack it and I'll do
a fake sexy "ooh" for you.
Bus Driver Dance us home.
but when I first got to college,
I was a little bit of a...
Oh, remember that time
I made you do that with Grill Face?
The older surgical attendings
around here are warriors.
Come on, Dr Cox, hook me up.
by a careless spill, just like yours.
the spoiled ones,
getting ice cream for every meal.
You want to play darts
or maybe sing show tunes?
Yeah. And if you get too into it, I'll stop.
Exciting news there, Milk Dud.
please stop trying to play
with the big boys.
that you haven't changed since college.
Okay, Jenji's wondering
whether or not her hair is working,
You can't just mess up
Elliot and Melody's friendship.
there's things you can do
and things you cannot do.
why you performed surgery
on that patient?
I'd say about eight
before she would do you.
What horrible thing did Turk do to
piss you off in the first place?
can never really
He doesn't "got change,"
that's how he says that. Okay.
You'll probably keep that then.
Probably a family heirloom.
Okay. Keep that, too.
by drinking a fifth of Jack
But he said
he watched his own surgery.
I couldn't have done it
without my supporting players.
Aired 13 years ago - Apr 19, 2007
The perspective shifts between Jordan, Ted, and Todd, as they go about their day.
Jordan messes with Elliot and Keith's relationship and is disturbed when it doesn't give her any satisfaction. Ted tries to settle a pay dispute between the nurses and
Dr. Kelso. Todd has found his calling in plastic surgery, but must convince Turk not to interfere with a sixteen-year-old girl getting breast implants.
I didn't ask to be special,
it just kind of happened.
People should know
We're on me now.
Just keep moving. No one saw that.
The party man is here!
We're not asking for much,
just the basic cost-of-living raise.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Scram.
Why do I have hair?
He never said "bone,"
"organ" or "suction. "
Chin-up five, tough-to-be-black five,
What are you fixing,
some type of major facial deformity?
whilst someone was talking to me.
When you finally give it up,
there are no more flowers.
so I pretty much have to
come to a complete stop.
the ugly ones. How does that sound?
breast implants for her
I don't stuff.
so maybe I'm missing something here?
...but if he keeps poking his nose
in my business,
whose heart kept stopping.
He's dead now,
I'd always try to stop them.
Dude, you shouldn't
screw with Dr Green.
If she was mad about something,
why wouldn't she just tell me?
I may have screwed up
Blonde Stick's relationship,
We're talking with Barbara,
J. D., Turk shouldn't
mess with Dr Green.
We'd have to find
a whole lot of gnomes.
Carla needs to end this slowdown,
but she won't listen to me.
Right now, they're just dead badgers.
The stress is killing me.
Man, you keep this place toasty.
This is my choice,
that has absolutely nothing
to do with anything
What are you thinking, Ted?
Okay, but in this little fantasy of yours,
Aired 13 years ago - Apr 12, 2007
In the wake of Laverne's funeral, the Sacred Heart Staff decide to implement lessons from her life to their actions. Carla is upset that everyone seems to act as if nothing has changed. Dr. Cox tries to take twenty minutes for himself every day, but
has great difficulty doing that. Meanwhile, the Janitor helps J.D. and Turk treat a deaf patient. And Elliot learns that Keith wants more from their relationship.
and don't be afraid to open your heart
to those that are dear to you. Amen?
I want you to take 20 minutes
every day for yourself,
once we got to work,
we fell right back into our routines.
that's the name I gave
the minister in my mind,
Hey, how long does it take
for an old woman to bleed to death?
Hello, Mr Frances.
I don't have a pen.
My pockets are empty.
Dr Kelso, do you know sign language?
I'm sorry, I'm just not really
in the mood for relationshipy talk.
I'm a trailer-trashy pop star
who rarely wears underwear
in an argument
over my addiction to painkillers.
How do you know sign language?
Those were the only two signs
that Gary knew, except for "boobs. "
Is any of that true?
if people at least acted like
they missed Laverne, you know?
That's a trick, right?
I might cry.
but I think he's a perfect candidate
for a cochlear implant.
That sounds like exactly
what I want to do.
Still, none of that matters when you
get to change someone's life forever.
No father would deny his son
the chance to hear,
Why do you keep poking holes in this?
We'd cut off the fingertips.
That was a test to see
if you even care about our anniversary.
I forgot to bring my paper down here,
but this gabfest is just delicious.
Okay, what's the problem?
Plus, you don't know what's going on
inside people's heads. Take...
So, to sum up, tough crap.
Ted, we know denying surgery
isn't technically child abuse.
Our deaf patient's father
won't sign a consent form
- The mother! Come on...
- The mother! I told you!
Totally. Plus he wants me to be all,
like, open and honest about how I feel.
Well, then how can you be drinking?
Aren't you breastfeeding?
You know what?
And since then,
you've been so scared of getting hurt,
If one more person interrupts
- How's that?
- Being everybody's go-to guy.
Seriously, he, like, slit her
right down the middle
which, ironically enough, she had
gotten to replace the murdered cat.
Aired 13 years ago - Apr 05, 2007
Laverne is brain-dead, and her family decides to take her off life support. One by one, the staff say their goodbyes, except Carla, who stoutly refuses to accept what's happening. She consequently finds herself "haunted" by Laverne. Meanwhile,
Jordan gives birth, but Dr. Cox doesn't want to tell anyone because he doesn't want his daughter's birthday to always be associated with Laverne's death.
It started in his hard drive and then
worked its way to all the other circuits.
Dr Wen kept referring to her
as "the patient,"
or the fact that when white people
come in out of the rain,
You always deserve to look your best.
I'm going to answer the first two
with the same sentence.
If you do this right,
next stop, godfather.
Sugar, you're the one imagining me.
It's up to you to figure that out.
I don't need your life story, Ed.
Hating the world, clenching my jaw,
wishing I could love J.D. a little more.
I'm sorry, could you repeat that?
because I respect you too much
and you're kind of a big gal.
And you didn't get mad at me
when I insisted
I converted to the Norse religion
a few years ago.
- What the hell?
- We did it once.
Damn it, it fits!
Sometimes even the best news
can be disrupted by a stupid chart.
That can't be good.
- Anyhow, you have to pronounce him.
- But why didn't anybody page me?
Yeah, ours still looks like a lizard.
That's Rhonda, by the way.
Joanne, horse face.
and Leonard the security guard and...
I'm an extension of your psyche.
I don't know.
was always called Mountain Dew.
Okay! I'm just guessing,
Now, bring it home
with an emotional voice crack
And now, shadow puppet theatre.
or the first act of Miss Saigon.
Oh, my God! It was Jordan, wasn't it?
And the next time
Dr Cox walked into the ICU,
- She's hanging on.
when that patient came in
and started bleeding out on me
Aired 13 years ago - Mar 22, 2007
Laverne and Dr. Cox engage in a philosophical debate. Carla finds a hot nanny for Isabella, and Turk struggles to find a way not to leer at her.
Elliot smuggles a patient's dog into the hospital to cheer her up and ends up in hot water with Dr.
Kelso. A tragic twist awaits at the end, challenging everyone to decide if they think everything happens for a reason.
Dr Kelso never makes eye contact
with the patients.
I need white chocolate,
strawberry seltzer, peppercorn brie
But when will I have time to kill myself?
Oh, really? Because I just so happen
to have a video from my nanny-cam
Okay, you said the same thing when
you saw me changing Izzy's diaper.
What's up your butt?
Now, if you'll look to your right,
you'll see my waning libido,
that things like New Orleans, AIDS,
sugar-free ice cream, crack babies,
Perry Cox, 6'1 ".
A buck eighty-five after lunch.
Could you make her eat a banana?
They went on strike and the players
wouldn't cross the picket line.
And that's why
we're watching football in the spring.
Turk, what the hell?
Well, I'm all out. Here, use this.
Hey, the little fellow
figured out the latch.
I'm still down here!
You know what?
We're no longer speaking!
Mrs Dombrow passed away
this morning at 4:00 a. m.
I know. I was thrilled, but then
Laverne ruined everything.
I can't believe
I'm about to say this, Per,
I just wanted to let you know that
He said, "Careful, Jumpsuit.
Who signs your paychecks?"
are not allowed in the hospital?
You know, Heather? I actually have
a little nanny-related question.
Don't worry, buddy.
You know how I roll.
like I just watched
Extreme Home Makeover.
- Hey, guys.
If we hadn't found this,
she'd be a goner.
During the last one,
I'm taking the woman's vitals
I mean, have you ever
considered it from his side?
- Do you remember Kristin Fisher?
- Of course!
- Damn, you're good!
if I look at her
every once in a while, right?
but that's okay,
because I just need you to listen.
which is the main reason
I've stopped camping.
One more thing. I'm sure that no dog
could ever replace Baxter,
- That was a coincidence.
Aired 13 years ago - Mar 15, 2007
J.D. and Turk try to treat Dr. Kelso's uninsured friend. Meanwhile, Dr. Kelso himself is concerned about a clothing thief. Elsewhere, Dr. Cox tries to convince Elliot that a reformed drug addict isn't exactly clean, and the Janitor blackmails Carla.
You two are my guardian angels.
I gotta tell you, you look...
Well, darn it all, you look great today.
leaving me up all night
with your melanoma patient,
Hey, can you believe
who the new drug counsellor is?
Hey, drug addicts!
Like bumper stickers.
that can't have babies
with folks that don't want babies.
My bad. I was hanging out with J.D.
I'm telling you, sir, a lifeless ghost dog
Now, why in the hell are we paying
this much money for scrubs?
I didn't let him.
So, anyway, I've been an addict
since I was 14.
at least not enthusiastically,
I... I got clean.
It's haired, half-white, half-Inuit Janitor,
and this is the real Rowdy.
in exchange for Stephen,
an exact replica.
who's waited two long years until
he needed something from you?
Also, I want you to teach me
to salsa dance.
I knew this one migrant worker
from our orchard, Ramon.
The point is, people can change
and you know it.
incidentally, is my least favourite
device on television.
but he actually just helped
to prove my point.
You're gonna lose the dead tissue,
we're removing your foot
and plan to eat it tonight
I may have killed you,
but I think I was upset about it.
You brought this on yourselves,
you thieving bastards.
The key to the salsa is passion.
for your "nothing ever changes" rant
had forever changed
the way we all thought about them.
with something I thought
he'd really enjoy,
and see if you can follow this,
and thanks for playing along
with that hideous suit, Ted.
I knew it!
You're out when I say you're out!
She's getting closer.
Some people get angry.
on my knees,
praying to the gods for help.
Honestly, I don't really feel the need
to convince you of anything,
you have to bring any drugs you have
at home so you're not tempted.
I'm gonna find Dr Barbie
and I'm going to rub it in her face.
How dare you steal our dog?
Aired 13 years ago - Mar 08, 2007
When Private Dancer is released from the hospital, the military informs him that his injuries are too severe to be reinstated into the service, so he gets depressed. The Sacred Heart staff try to cheer him up, while the Janitor is having a fish problem.
For example, Dr Beardface,
Dr Mickhead, Colonel Doctor,
Well, I'm funny because I commit.
Holy Hell, are my new boxers
made of wool?
I took my college girlfriend,
Stacy Blue, to see that on our first date.
I looked, no balloons.
You know what? I'm tired of this story.
She fell asleep in the pool?
Who else worked on that case?
Could you hold this?
It'll throw me off my game.
He is low on MS Contin.
our relations tonight
for the first time since Izzy was born.
This is how I remember it.
Then you said, "Chill out, dawg.
and she said, "Hey, we should have
a water-balloon fight!"
Then you came in
and said, "Hey, guys. "
What the hell?
I'm gonna smash it.
Baby, I had a big old lunch,
now I got the downtown pushdowns.
I changed his picture.
"Why being really lonely
is sometimes super awesome. "
Yes, sir! In fact, wait up,
The Army is his life.
I must have mixed up my prescriptions
and taken too many of one.
I'm not in a bad place,
But not to worry,
since you guys
aren't that truthful with each other?
I once tried to kill myself.
I'm not even sure why I did it.
I was all into poetry
back then, you know,
If you're still not sure
why you tried to off yourself,
That story informs this one,
I got hit in the head by four oars
as our school's rowing team passed by
Come on, fight it, man,
think about something else.
what it's like to feel
this hopeless in your life.
That's right, and my baby being happy
How're you doing?
The name's Roger Dorsey.
And she said, "It's over, Turk.
are coated in the toddler vomit
I told you to clean up earlier.
Never mind the fact that
we've been busting our asses
So, no, Brian, no.
You don't owe anything to yourself, but
Ray-Ray, I started a...
Aired 13 years ago - Mar 01, 2007
A memory loss patient is the peg for a look back on the last seasons of Scrubs, when the Sacred Heart crew looks back at their memorable moments.
I think what you probably have is
a little temporary retrograde amnesia,
I keep replaying them
Oh, like that time my dad accidentally
glued my mom's legs together
No, not that Fray song.
This Fray song.
This is the reason
why your headache didn't go away.
- Behind your ear.
- My friend, you have found the saltine.
You mean, "Why is there silverware
in the pancake drawer?"
You know, when I was a kid, I had
my first sex dream about Mr Hooper.
with a complimentary shower wallet.
except for the ones
involving cheese and Tyra Banks.
And this Friday,
at the steel cage medi-slam,
You missed a spot.
I don't like the way I look,
I don't like the way I think,
and then let your mind run free,
like an eagle.
I couldn't help being reminded
of all the mean things
Could you be a bigger ass right now?
Oh, I wouldn't have room for it anyway
No. I'm a winner.
You are now.
because the truth is
it's all of your memories,
- Are you crying?
Aired 13 years ago - Feb 22, 2007
J.D. develops a crush on a new physical therapist but due to his latest misfortunes, he finds it difficult to ask her out. Elliot asks Keith to move in with her, but is not willing to budge on her home rules. Turk breaks his arm and is sent back to
residency by Dr. Kelso. Thanks to Dr. Cox, he realizes that he doesn't know as much about medicine as he thought.
There is not a doctor in the world
how does one apply
for paid disability leave?
So, you're saying I'm going to be
a medical attending for a month?
Cool, a new black resident!
Kidding, no she didn't. That's...
- Man, why don't you just ask her out?
Do you know
what I caught him doing in bed,
Look, the point is, it's an adjustment.
Get ready for some arguing.
your ass is gonna burn.
Does she live upstairs from you?
Hell, after surgery,
if there's the slightest medical issue,
He's got this strange power.
Hey! Looks like I caught you
admiring the old facial hair, huh?
It starts out patchy,
then it gloriously erupts, you'll see.
Physical therapy is too hard.
I'm getting nowhere.
You mean her stuff.
She wouldn't let me put up my stuff.
Yeah, I don't see what's insane
about not wanting spiders
you fricking fricky-frick?
...I thought about the deals
we sometimes make.
Make a deal there, Gandhi.
I will stop mocking you
Now, Dr Cox, there's
gotta be something I can do to help.
Seriously, dude, stop doing that.
That's my thing.
Every God-awful year Enid's
wheelchair rusts in the salt water,
I'm gonna help you study tonight
and for every right answer that you get,
- A potassium level under 3.5.
- Right! And here comes your reward!
I want you to repeat after me,
I think for myself.
Hello. It's a little noisy, Keith.
I told Brian I was taking Anne
to the Poconos, now he wants pictures.
Excuse me, coming through.
It's obvious the patient is septic. I'd
treat him with an activated protein C.
- And what would that cause?
- His death!
Why is it
that when it comes to relationships,
I recently broke up with my girlfriend,
who I impregnated on the first date.
Well, just no?
Do you wanna elaborate on the "no"?
Aired 13 years ago - Feb 15, 2007
A Croatian Doctor comes to Sacred Heart, only to find out that he has to redo his Internship there.
J.D. shows symptoms of 'Vasovagal Syncope', a condition that causes fainting and blackouts.
Turk and Elliot argue over whose turn it is to take care of him, whilst Carla tries out her new excuse "I have a baby" and the Janitor takes a vacation.
all the other neighbours
Hiya! My name is Bob Kelso
and I like whores.
And what did the patient do, Doctor?
Oh, indeed it was.
But you know what wasn't?
Sorry there, Bobbo, but I'm gonna
go ahead and tell the truth
Anyway, Todd and Ted are gonna get
20 bucks from me to tape you
Okay, I've been taking care of J.D. all
week. It's now up to one of you guys.
and emotional spirals.
- I thought we were carrying them.
- Put 'em on!
- There ain't no rules in bedpan racing.
You have a small bowel obstruction.
Basically, the shrapnel in your stomach
A guy had a bad reaction
You can "ooth" all you want,
but I'm not gonna BS Brian.
And then one day I found out that
he was sleeping with his students,
You know what else sucks
about my life?
He pooped in our house!
What the hell is "TheToddTime. com"?
Are you kidding me?
J.D., I know when you're tipsy.
You always get super handsy.
Welcome to Sports Talk.
I guess you should have followed
my advice, vice, vice.
Officer, we both know
you're not gonna haul me in for that.
- That's hardcore, man.
- Why'd he hang up his pants?
"Scooting under the influence"?
Are you crazy?
The daughter's gonna make it,
but the mom died.
Is it possible I've misdiagnosed
and ask if he has hope,
what am I supposed to say, "No"?
I'd tell him, "Damn skippy,
it's gonna be hard. " Gandhi,
This is half an ibuprofen. It is the
perfect dose for your pea-sized brain.
Dr Dorian? I promised the Janitor
I'd show you this e-mail.
Yesterday, we took over the ship.
Captured a bunch of people
Hey, thinking about you, hope
everything's going as well for you.
There you are. You gotta help
pull J.D. out of this spiral.
But just answer me this one question.
After six long years,
That guy is such a meathead.
I always thought you surgeons were
Still don't know what I'm sayin'?
I was an average student.
Aired 13 years ago - Feb 08, 2007
After being convinced to go to Tacoma for Kim's first ultrasound, J.D., along with Carla, Elliot, Janitor, Keith and Ted, takes Kelso's new RV on a road trip. Meanwhile, Jordan and Dr. Cox have trouble when Jordan's ultrasound reveals that the baby will need surgery.
He can't possibly
make this my fault, right?
you are one special lady, Carla.
If you keep letting Gandhi do whatever
he pleases whenever he pleases,
As soon as I change out of
these clothes, I'm out of here!
- Where's Chocolate Bear?
- Getting to know his daughter.
Do you guys know
where I could find a giant carwash?
Oh, like there's a chance I meant you.
and play him like your little bitch-boy.
What's with all these kimonos?
Don't touch the kimonos. Those are
for Dr Kelso's various masseuses.
Jordan, the boy already lip-synchs
into your tampons.
Carla, darling, everything's fine with
the baby, fine with... Hey, what's that?
Excuse me, my mother
sleeps with men. I've seen it!
- What are you doing here?
- I'll tell you what I wasn't doing here.
"Uh-oh"? Don't say, "Uh-oh. "
He's fine. Let's get going.
Oh, I think he popped it back into joint.
I admire his spirit, and if he says
we must continue onward,
Next stop, Kim-town.
Four aces, I win!
Fine, but I want to be in there.
and you just gave my baby to Rochelle,
the only nurse to get kicked out of
Gandhi, you'd damn sure
want somebody in there
Keith, wake up, sweetie. We're here.
Enid asked me to get her tickets
to see Al Green for her birthday.
Plan B. Also, lucky for you,
Enid has gone blind from glaucoma.
Jordan, I love you.
I like to show some form of emotion.
that no kid who has surgery
before it's even born
Your baby's gonna be fine.
- Yeah, Daddy.
And now it's gone. I kind of miss it.
Unless it was a girl,
then you could just throw like yourself.
Aired 13 years ago - Feb 01, 2007
The hospital is seen through the eyes of Dr. Kelso, who befriends an Iraq War veteran.
The soldier's stay sparks a political debate among staff members.
I love making that sound. Buzz.
Carla's gone another week.
We need a substitute head nurse.
Hey, there, young fella.
How the heck are you? Bob Kelso here.
Bob Kelso, write it down, damn it!
I accidentally left a couple chunks
of my skull in Baghdad.
Here's an inconvenient truth for you,
Poor kid. His head's blown off,
and all for nothing.
Keep it real.
Really? Point to Iraq.
this is a picture of my unit.
It's important to remember
the good men that you served with.
He probably doesn't regret that at all.
Neat. Everyone's already sitting
on the appropriate side.
Oh, my God!
Elliot, you're one of them, aren't you?
Elliot... Me, too.
Hot dog! 2: 15, time to vamoose.
if you want to get people's attention,
Get Respiratory for a blood gas
and set up for a lumbar puncture!
They need a leader, Bob.
Give them one.
Well, you got what you asked for, Bob.
They don't need you.
That explains it.
Hey, thanks for checking in on me.
That's how you get people
around here to listen to you, Bob.
I just got to the point
where President Bush
We are working.
You see, even though we all currently
And I can help out Dr Cox,
I'm just tired of staring at that.
What did you think it would be like?
Jumbo latte for Dr Reid,
with the employee discount.
"'I enjoy laughing at poor people,'
Elliot Reid, April, 2006."
Typical lame liberal tactic, taking
something out of context in order to
And FYI, don't lean over him,
Listen, could you go down to
housekeeping and maybe send up
Girl, just humour him.
He'll be out of here eventually.
some pretty heated arguments
amongst the staff.
Aired 13 years ago - Jan 18, 2007
A new patient at the hospital wakes up and sees everything happening around her as a musical.
Carla can't decide whether or not to return to work and Elliot must find a way to tell J.D. he can't move into her new house with her.
One more thing that I should mention
If what I've heard is true
'Cause the answer's not in your head,
my dear, it's in your butt
Do you have a haemorrhoid
Or is it rectal cancer?
- Everything comes down to poo
- Everything comes down to poo
Just be a man and eat some bran
And drop the kids off at the pool
If there's no breeze
Light a match please
Come on, baby. See you!
So, Carla, when will you be back?
- We're going to miss you, Carla
- We're going to miss you, Carla
How we ever
Going to get along without you?
And, oh, my God, stop telling me
When you have nerdy sex
Each and every day
You're a pain on every day
Of every month of every year
Or I swear to God I'll shut it soon
Then why don't you just tell Turk
that you want to go back to work?
I'm sure you must be scared
Not knowing what this test will bring
But at least she'll accept
That she's medically fine
- But you'll have to face the future
- You'll have to face the future
Look at the temporal lobe.
How can I tell him?
Let's face the facts about me and you
A love unspecified
'Cause this bear
Can't bear the world's disdain
And he tenderly replies
You know I'll stick by you
For the rest of my life
- But in a totally manly way
- Let's go
I'll be there to share the highs
- Between two
- Between two
Okay, I'll go first.
Then why'd you tell J.D.
Our baby's Blaxican?
Two sisters? Well, I'm sure you have
A brother who's a huge jerk-off
How long before we met
Was I in medicine?
And there's no room for things like
Birthdays or ethnicities
I say, "Si"
Which is "yes" in Dominican
- J.D., I'm 29.
- I'm playing with you.
I'll always be there for you
A hypodermic needle
And a latex tourniquet
Assuming I'd have time
Aired 13 years ago - Jan 11, 2007
Elliot begins enjoying luxuries since she has extra money with her new private practice gig. But eventually, J.D. becomes jealous of her and that forbids him the use of these privileges.
Dr. Cox and the Janitor become roommates in one of the
hospital suites, while Turk tries to convince Carla that she has postpartum depression and that she needs help.
You're giving orders to me?
Fine, I don't want to go home, anyway.
on a food run to satiate
one of her insane cravings.
- And this is just the weepies?
- Just the weepies, baby.
What are they going to tell us
that we don't already know?
"Seven-Car Pileup" would be
a good name for a rock band.
Laverne, if I accidentally
backed my car over Barbie
- I mean, for the love of God!
- He'll have to call you back.
Having trouble feeding your baby?
Say hello to your lactation specialists.
during the day and then freak him out
by guessing the exact number.
- I specifically told you
Look, Barbie, what you're missing here
is that you're private practise now.
She's still not eating.
None of this stuff is working.
an alternate route.
We're the Turks! What?
We're the Turks!
I'm sorry, I couldn't hear you.
Could you say that a little bit louder?
We're the Turks! What?
We're the Turks!
Hey, Mocha Cub.
- about what I said yesterday, and...
- I'm not mad.
Okay, resist smelling
that coconut goodness
Why don't you go try them on?
because I can't care for my own child.
Well, Elliot's not here, Keith.
What are you going to do about it?
And thanks a lot because the one hour
that Kim and I had to actually talk,
- Dr Cox, I need your help.
- Not now, Gandhi.
so now you have to watch me?
This back and forth between you and I
is just going to get worse and worse.
Right, that would roughly be
what I'm referring to.
Look, there really is only one way to
end this so that we both come out alive.
Oh, that's a good career move.
Aired 13 years ago - Jan 04, 2007
Dr. Cox feels like the TV character House when he has to solve several mysteries, one of them being Elliot's anger towards Dr. Kelso, while for some reason she is taking it out on Turk.
J.D. tries to be a better boyfriend to Kim.
every Sunday. Or, better yet,
Hey, there's that baby you stole.
And phone sex is out of the question,
because I'm a righty when I talk on
Turkleton. I need a word.
If you're interested...
Oh, yeah, I know. But mine
Why? I'll still be working here.
Whether to your boss or to a
Hey, I got you something. It's a star.
and the fact
I graduated high school in 1990.
I can't get her out of here, and she
listens to you, so I was thinking...
Whether it's reading the paper
or shaving the sideburns off
Well, unfortunately for you,
the Reid family has actually been
Oh lolli lolli lolli
there aren't mysteries. Like why
a healthy woman's heart is failing.
Or why a friend is mad at you
instead of the guy being the jerk.
They want me there tonight.
Can you believe it?
Oh, yeah. Her kidneys are failing.
I mean, there's got to be some reason
you're always such a D-bag, right?
Turk, I just need a break from the baby.
Hello, Stacy, Rebecca, Larry.
You kids throw that word
around so much
Here's Dr Cox.
He's one of my colleagues
I see by your chart here that you are...
- You don't have to take that job.
- You're not rich.
- You're an idiot, J.D.
- Am I, Kim?
Look, it's only four months.
It's really good for my career.
I also buy and sell feet. So, any way
you want to go, I got you covered.
- Why are you so pissy with us?
- Why is Sarah dying?
Ah, yes, the huddled masses.
Carla, I see you're trying one of
and tomatoes turn you red,
what colour would he most likely turn
Yes, but even though that horny old
raisin is acting like an ass,
Dear God, Barbie, we get the point.
Takosobu Cardiomyopathy, also
known as "Broken Heart Syndrome,"
is what caused her heart failure.
She's going to need a lot more
counselling, but we'll get her there.
Aired 13 years ago - Dec 14, 2006
J.D. and Kim are surprised of how much they have in common. Recently giving birth, Carla doesn't want to return to work. Meanwhile, Elliot tries to persuade Dr. Turner, a surgeon with thirty years of experience, that medicine is the better option to work with and that surgery could kill him.
So, what am I supposed to do,
just duke you my change
with so damn many fake sugars in it
that the coffee itself gets cancer?
"Who are you
and what have you done with Turk?"
I get her first
because we're best friends.
Look, come on, it is a human life.
I'll focus. Give it to me. Right here.
I heard suckling.
We are disgusting.
Blondie, he is private practise.
Stop filling your children's heads
We're gonna be all right.
Now you want free medical advice?
Elliot Reid, I was telling you about.
Give her a wave. Attaboy. So...
- Don't you mean 25 milligrams?
- There, see?
All right, relax. You're fine.
Just ice it when you get home.
- Do I smell blue?
- Just added the dye.
All right, let's see your disgusting rash.
Blueberries taste fresh.
I have a non-fat latte
with room for schnapps for Janitor?
It's a threat to them.
They tear your eyes out.
Aren't we sharing fantastic lies
I don't care
if we had extra coffee money left over,
"Never underestimate those
around you for they may betray you. "
this is the gentleman
who ordered the surgery.
Turk, I need you and I need you now.
My breasts are so sore.
I wish I could just give you formula.
and think about all the things
I'll miss about being a doctor.
I hope it wasn't the Corn Dog Guy.
They never got along.
a banana nut muffin
and hold the spit, please.
Trust me, Brown Bear, you don't want
this hanging over your head.
Well, I don't see you giving the money
back to Cotton Candy Man.
and I'm not giving it back and there's
nothing you can do to make me.
Say, how about
a Corinne Bailey Rae CD?
I'm gonna be right, but he's gonna die.
It'll be a hollow victory.
and now you're worried
about your hand?
That smell burning your nostrils
Aired 13 years ago - Dec 07, 2006
J.D. and Kim start contemplating about their future and their baby's future. Meanwhile, Turk rushes Carla to the hospital after she goes into labor. And Jordan accuses Dr. Cox of not being a more defensive father towards Jack.
Yay, congratulations, whoopee.
All right, see you.
You put one of those inside me.
What are we going to do?
What are you doing?
Baby, changed my mind.
Move it along before I eat you!
which, if your mommy's strong genes
are any indication,
who just so happens to be
the world's biggest blerd.
There's one way of dealing with this
that no one's mentioned yet.
Laverne, with all due respect, this is
none of your business or Jesus'.
Okay, I'm gonna make this real simple.
No abortions, okay?
You know what might
give us an inkling?
Laverne, is this your Jesus?
- Thank you, Todd.
- Hey, happy to say it.
Kids are great,
we both make good money,
- I guess we gotta abort.
And did you tell him
not since the late '80s
Okay, candles are all lit,
lavender-scented, your favourite.
Let's split up for an hour
and do some soul-searching.
because she knows
I'd actually love that.
Oh, my God, I'm a monster.
Turk, I am so sorry.
That's when I walk in, ice in hand,
Not a good time, Kim.
I would not do that.
Yes, I know,
he missed your wedding, too.
He's being unreasonable. Okay.
How about, on the count of three,
You know, I had an abortion.
- My mommy had an abortion.
- How you doing?
and you're just trying to squeeze out
I know you were just trying to be nice
because you're a good-hearted,
Anyway, his best friend, Curt,
knocked me up.
and we've been as logical
as we can here,
Aired 13 years ago - Nov 30, 2006
J.D. addresses the news that he is going to be a father and Dr. Cox is worried about how his anger is going to impact his offspring. Meanwhile, Carla and Turk prepare for the impending arrival of their new baby. Elliot feels left out because she is childless, while the Janitor wonders if he has wasted his life.
Why didn't you answer your phone
when I called you?
We're at war, my friend.
All American flags are on back-order.
I could take her out to sea.
actually impregnating another woman,
other than me, is having a baby.
I have in my adult life
that qualifies as "me time. "
Mr Wyatt's chart said to
remove his eight stitches,
Perry, what the hell?
I just got a call from Jack's school.
Excuse us. Dude, please tell me
you're not comparing getting cancer
When am I going into surgery?
Maybe it's time you start dealing
with your anger issues.
Mr Slydell here is suffering from
peptic ulcer disease
Ted, I got the cola.
Okay, what if
I get a sex change operation
You know what's so messed up
about this whole baby thing?
My brother was killed
by a Funky Cold Medina.
and I got a little over-excited.
My anger not only cost me my health,
- Start a family, see the world...
- Punch a whale.
We are so ready for that charades
tournament on Saturday.
placed a pulmonary artery cath
on this guy?
Why doesn't Elliot have a
freshly-ripped new one, right now?
There is no anger here.
I filled it with blue Gatorade.
Let's cut to the chase, freak show.
Tell her you hate white chicks,
and then when she says,
whose middle name you know.
My life has changed forever.
Yeah, they did so well at rounds,
I'm just letting them watch a show.
Mr Slydell's ulcer perforated
and he bled out. He's dead.
Was she naughty? I bet she's a hellcat.