Aired 16 years ago - May 10, 2005
With their residencies over, there are big changes at Sacred Heart. J.D. moves out to live on his own, while Turk and Carla consider a family change, creating another rift in their long friendship.
Jordan is hired to handle some paperwork for Kelso, which annoys Cox.
Elliot has a job interview at a different hospital thanks to her boyfriend Jake.
I found an apartment.
I'm moving out the day after tomorrow.
Let's say my mom.
I can't believe you two
have lived together for 12 years.
So you took a fallback job
cos you were afraid to go for it?
She thinks you have
the body of a foetus.
and defrosted our dinner
with your sweaty hands for a joke?
The professor asked me what
I hoped to accomplish, my nose bled
I have passion
for the work you're doing.
other than that you
treat your wife like a dog,
the shop all day, telling him just
exactly what colour is in this season,
I can't seem to get away from her,
she went ahead and signed us up
for an eternal tandem bike ride
If it happens again,
I will wait in my SUV,
Hooch is crazy.
If you reel it back a bit, I'll
get somebody to cover for me tonight,
Make tonight count cos
you'll never be as cool as you were
Come on, Elliot.
He's always telling you what to do.
- What's up?
- I have a headache.
Oh, I'm sorry, honey.
- That seat's taken, arse-face.
- By who?
I'm gonna take one of your fingers.
The fact that Elliot jumps so high
whenever you tell her to
I'm stuck until laundry day.
Well, clue me in, stud. That was
Creepy Carl. He runs an upskirt website.
Oh, yeah, Ted. I moved the file cabinet.
You don't know.
It's OK. See you at home.
he's been on an IV drip for 36 hours.
to admit they've been insensitive.
Sure, he did tell me
to come up here and talk to you,
Sweetie, you are an evil, soulless,
Why do I have to say I'm sorry?
...you've always sort of validated me.
Aired 16 years ago - Apr 26, 2005
Elliot is torn between moving too quickly and ruining her new relationship with Jake.
Dr. Cox teaches Turk about having a healthy ego and Dr. Kelso and the Janitor fight over who gets to use the motorized cart.
Mr Blake, down in bed three,
came in here with what seemed like
Oh, my God, it was me!
There was the intern who originally
misdiagnosed the patient.
and put in a pacemaker
that he didn't even need.
Not until people start chanting my name,
Me. Me. Me.
You've known him more than ten minutes.
You're half a glass of wine away from
nuding up and doing your go-to move.
I'll check back with you after
I look in on a few other patients.
Hey, now, great work back there, Gandhi.
You know what the difference
between us is?
...unlike you, I got into medicine
to help people,
I don't have time to be dealing
with your little sex pickle.
Why you handsome son of a gun!
The one thing that I'm proud of
is that these floors are so clean
Carla, I assume tubby hubby here told
you what happened at the taco stand.
Wow, Body Heat's a sexy movie, huh?
I've given them names!
OK, that's it! That's it!
I can't take this anymore! That's it!
I am so proud of you.
- He does have glaucoma.
- I should've been told!
I am going to go ahead
and make an unnecessarily showy,
if I wasn't so turned on.
- I just came back to get my keys.
- This is so awkward.
How do you like my new floor waxer?
And it's no good to hide it from me
cos I got keys to everything.
Oh, my God.
It is a completely useless organ.
Plus, you're in a bonus situation.
- You can't make me.
I'm going to, and believe me, when I
am on top, eyes closed and screaming,
I'm not sure I want the surgery.
with a man who has such
an attachment to his gallbladder
Sorry, I'm not that guy anymore.
I didn't want to ruin it
by sleeping with you too fast.
Here, tell me you like my shirt.
There's no difference,
and Buster meant the world to me.
- I want you so bad right now.
You paged in the middle of a busy day.
Better be important.
Come on. This is gonna hurt you
more than it hurts me.
Aired 16 years ago - Apr 19, 2005
Turk won't open up at couples therapy.
Elliot refuses Dr. Cox's romantic advice, when a very attractive man saunters into the hospital.
J.D. learns a lesson in humanity from a dying old woman.
The Janitor accidently lets a bunch of rats run around Sacred Heart.
I'm going kayaking
with friends in New Zealand.
Don't worry. You're in
good hands with Dr Dorian.
I'm just kidding. I love old people.
Well, I got a flight to catch.
No, Carla, men don't love that.
listen to me carefully,
ignore the living hell out of him.
Actually, I've noticed that.
- Let's take a break.
I told Betty her lungs
had given out,
"As comfortable as possible."
Look, is there anyone you'd
like to talk this over with?
and for some reason
feels like she's connected with you.
Vesa-vegal syncopy is mediated
by the autonomic nervous system.
Elliot, my neighbour fainted too.
Better get you back
to the food court.
You're stuck on shapes,
and square head's almost here!
Make love with your lady in front
of some old dude filming you?
Our therapist says I'm the type
who pretends everything's OK,
Let's try it again.
I'll see you later, buddy. Bye.
Hey, how's it going in here, you two?
well, it became pretty obvious that
Betty had already made a decision.
He didn't hide because he was afraid
to admit someone was right.
He wouldn't be able to do it
if it weren't for his secret weapon...
I'm a lawyer. I'm suing you.
I can't believe this is happening.
I don't get real cards
until I win a case.
Yes! It finally worked!
What are the odds?
This is the most painful thing
See the problem with trying
to appeal to its human side?
Damn it! I knew that.
Your friend Turkleton did.
Did you break up Turner and Hooch?
Just get out of here.
"Betty's in a coma."
I'm gonna talk to Dennis.
But I'm already ignoring him.
How do I ignore him more?
You would not believe
the day I'm having.
All the live ones get a good look,
they start toeing that line.
Son, look around.
I didn't say it wasn't funny.
I just said it happened.
Anyway, I knew what I had to do.
You've been brushing up
on New England.
No, you don't. You want me to
embarrass myself to laugh at me.
Get back here! I'm sorry!
but she told me what she wanted,
and I'm gonna honour that.
Aired 16 years ago - Apr 12, 2005
J.D. and Carla get the silent treatment from Turk, who can't seem to control his emotions, after learning about their kiss.
Dr. Cox reluctantly seeks the help of Elliot, when an epileptic patient won't listen to him.
The Janitor feels emasculated by his new uniform.
Jordan trys Botox.
I can't use lip balm.
I end up eating it.
It was an accidental lip bump,
I don't understand why you're
butting in on my patient
Now that her medication's
no longer controlling her seizures,
I just couldn't understand how a
married person could slip up like that.
no more girl-on-girl
Happy ending, though.
Lefty caught up in college.
I know all about what it's like
to be a teenage girl.
I think you separated my shoulder.
The pain is excruciating.
- Whatever. You got somethin' here.
cos you're not taking your medication.
If this continues, you'll be dead.
The point is, stop wasting
everybody's time and grow up.
- You want fries?
- You said you were OK!
she was buffing the nightstand,
and she just kept on buffin'.
I'm tellin' you, dude,
she was all over me like ants on candy.
I was hoping you'd be able to give me
the answer to that one right about now.
I guess I've probably seen
Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen,
because you know
so much about teenage girls.
Fine. But I have three rules. One,
when we're in the room, you say nothing.
Oh, God, this is gonna kill me.
It's not cursed.
It's simply psychology.
The least you can do
is show up and support me.
I got three words for ya.
Sucks to be... Adding a fourth... you.
- Thanks, Roland. One day I'll get it.
- I doubt it.
And then, for some reason,
I thought about the circus.
You don't have to talk to me. Just wave
if you're gonna give me a ride home.
Anyway, Judy Keenan told me
that she would also cut her hair off.
I'm so tired of everyone
telling me what to do.
- Thank you.
And if you still need someone to blame,
why don't you try blaming yourself?
Aired 16 years ago - Apr 05, 2005
When Carla and J.D. go out to let Carla have some fun, they get drunk and end up accidentally kissing.
Dr. Cox gets the hammer dropped by Jordan, when Jack has to get stitches under Perry's watch.
Elliot has trouble with a male patient, who has taken enhancement pills.
Turk, with everything that's happened,
I'm just having trouble trusting you.
Sorry about your hogs, fellas.
Enjoy the free espressos.
Jordan's never going
to see these stitches.
Get this. He doesn't have erectile
dysfunction. Why take those drugs?
Everyone, would you go ahead
and close your eyes for a second?
Ted, everyone stopped!
- I need you to go in.
- No way.
Jack was getting nutty, having some fun.
See, I even let him put one on me.
What about the time he brained himself?
I won! I won an argument.
Jack, it's unprecedented.
Good, you both looked.
It's so nice to get out.
J.D., I know what you're
trying to do and it's very sweet,
Look at my girl.
Right back up on the monkey bars,
OK, here we go. What are we doing?
Come here, you. You come here, you.
Well, Mr Gerst, your situation
doesn't seem to be reversing itself,
Turns out she just meant
having breakfast with her family.
- You know you want to.
- I'm fine.
I can let go of the couch
if I so choose.
There are many things we can't control,
no matter how strong we might be...
... or a janitor who has it in for you.
Oh, thank you for helping me
have some fun tonight.
- Good night.
- Good night.
There's nothing like the rays
of the morning sun
I remember my one lip
being on top of your lip,
Don't worry, ladies,
I've closed the window.
The two of us have two distinctly
different parenting styles.
Flip? What does "flip" mean, Perry?
...puts him in a little baby trapeze,
Here I have you wearing
a duck's bill. Get it?
Give yourself some credit.
You were worse than everyone else.
I broke up with my German mistress.
She smells like sauerkraut.
- Yep, I wasted most of my Tuesday.
- It's Wednesday.
I can't breathe.
I'm trapped in a death coffin.
Yeah, sure... Really?
I feel like I understand now how Turk
could have let stuff like that happen.
Can I just give him a little squeeze?
visiting a sickie and she ran
her hands all over his sickie face.
- It's just Carl.
I freak out over staph infections,
No, I'm in the hospital because I...
They think I have avian flu.
Aired 16 years ago - Mar 29, 2005
Dr. Kelso dons scrubs to prove a point to Dr. Cox, only to watch it backfire, when an obnoxious patient refuses to listen to him.
J.D. and Turk party, while Carla struggles to find solace in Elliot.
I gotta get somewhere stat!
and validate his most ridiculous
of career choices.
But I'm here to heal, not judge.
I'm gonna write you some prescriptions.
Have a great day.
You look like a purse.
tokers, smokers, and jamokers,
whatever the hell jamokers means.
No matter how long,
we'll get through this.
- Guys, it's so on.
when I heard
the name Hooch.
She thinks she's exempt from the rule.
without your mini TV
and your feet up.
Don't you mean my doctor's
- Yeah, Turk?
- Sorry, man.
but I'm so drunk right now, I know
I'll collapse if I even move an inch.
OK. You know, I was sceptical, but
it's been nice reminiscing about my mom.
Hadn't heard that one.
What we are dealing with are venostasis
ulcers, mostly because of your weight.
Yes. Now this condition
is not that rare.
- She Googled your ass.
- I'm not interested in street lingo.
I always felt we did the right thing.
Damn it, young lady, let me in!
This is my hospital!
Especially if you know your best friend
is at brunch saving his marriage.
Still, I needed Elliot's help,
so I decided to break the ice first.
Well, no more. Say "hooch" again,
it will be the last thing you ever say.
He wanted to fix it.
I'm sorry about last night.
I explained you overslept.
You made it up here
without passing out or vomiting.
and considering that any
serious surgery has inherent risks,
It was nice hearing
my mom's voice again.
- When did she die?
- When I was 11.
I'm sure it felt like a crazy dream.
That's how easy marriage should be.
When the hell did patients
stop respecting us?
Anyway, I couldn't handle the patients,
so go ahead, take your shots.
and I'm not big on begging strangers
to stick my hand up their butt.
Those were the good old,
incredibly disturbing days, Bob.
If you even want to have an outside
chance of reaching someone nowadays,
- I spoke to the groundskeeper.
I got you pegged, sweetheart.
And then it seemed like Dr. Kelso
wasn't only talking to her.
Aired 16 years ago - Mar 01, 2005
J.D. ditches a seemingly uninterested Kylie for Dr. Molly Clock, who just returned from Milwaukee.
Carla fumes over Turk's frequent phone calls to an ex-girlfriend.
The Janitor and Dr. Cox make a wager over Elliot.
Bye. How you doing, J. J?
Even though she did the fake "forget
my name" thing, she's here for me.
Get away from my doctor!
Give him a break. It's his wife.
Dude, what the hell?
I was just friends once
with a Vietnamese girl.
Burn down her apartment.
She was a tree person, remember?
So you seeing anyone?
- you and Kylie haven't slept together.
She did go to a movie
with her brother-in-law.
That is the dumbest idea
I've ever heard.
I lost my hair
in eighth grade.
- I don't know what that is.
- It's kind of my thing.
Four stories and not a scratch.
What are you made of?
Ladies, this is a hospital, not
the Junior League. Let's break it up.
Sweat would be
dripping off our naked bodies.
- J.D., are you there?
- You should come.
They say the best laid plans
of mice and men often go awry.
I made a bet with Dr Cox
that you would go out with me.
- Hey, J.D.
- Try that cake I was telling you about.
- then nothing would get between us.
- Going out?
and triathletes come in
and drop dead at 20.
I'm gonna paint your Porsche mint
green so it looks like my van's baby.
Calls from an ex
would drive me nuts.
I gotta go to dinner anyway.
Look, I don't care if I seem crazy.
Please stop talking to your ex.
so I let my roommate think we
were dating for three months.
I kissed a dude once.
It was at furnace camp.
If people aren't getting to know you,
they're missing out.
He actually tricked you into a date.
She ate lunch with me until
the residents made fun of her.
But just pretending
for today somehow
I was thinking about how patient
you've been, how right things feel.
that I could have had sex with,
but it was easy to blow her off.
Aired 16 years ago - Feb 22, 2005
J.D. is thrown out of the apartment.
Turk and Carla continue to struggle to keep the romance alive.
Dr. Cox has reason to believe that the son of an old buddy is autistic.
Look, I am not going to let this weekend
become about who's a bigger man.
so I had my assistant
drive my rental car from the airport.
All right, Carla calls the shots.
Appeal to her rational side.
I've always had your back,
you always had mine.
And don't worry about John Dorian
because I may be poor in pocket,
Kylie, I hear you. But trust me,
this week is not going to be about sex.
It is great to see you,
I'll tell you that.
- You've forgotten already.
I'll have her pop in her "going out"
teeth, you can see if there's a spark.
Jack is going to kick
Nathan's ass at playing.
Did it on the couch.
Did it in the kitchen.
Well, what do we do now?
Usually when J.D. Gets off work,
we gossip about hospital stuff.
Todd's not accustomed
to receiving gentleman callers.
Ron's in the bathroom diapering his kid.
When he gets out, it's playtime.
Earn Daddy's love on three.
1, 2, 3, earn Daddy's love.
how about the building blocks that
Jack very rarely ever even touches?
Can't we do something else?
All I've seen so far is the toe, Turk!
The colour coordination,
the... the symmetry.
Nathan doesn't make eye contact, barely
speaks, freaks out when you cuddle him.
as doctors to tell someone
if there is a problem.
so I think it's important we figure out
a way to spend some alone time with him.
- We should ask him back.
- Baby, no.
- I don't think so, buddy.
- Listen, crash in my garage.
- Damn it. I've become predictable.
- I'm out.
It'll be nice to have a buffer
between me and my mom.
- No. He moved out.
No, not at all. You're great
with him, fantastic with him.
- Newbie, I've got this one covered.
- You two are interracial best buddies.
- Who the hell is Turk?
- I should go.
Sometimes the worst thing
is getting exactly what you want.
This should not have been removed.
I can just sleep on the couch.
Well, Dr Dorian,
are you going to join me?
I don't want to come home. It took me
a month to get here from the couch.
This is... this is unbelievable.
You know what, why don't you
just get the hell out of here?
Aired 16 years ago - Feb 15, 2005
When J.D. meets a former writer from his all time favorite TV show "Cheers," he begins to picture his life at the hospital as a bland, multiple camera sitcom, where everything is perfect and wraps up nicely.
Back in reality, Cox is relunctant to
fire an amiable cafeteria worker, while Turk and Carla struggle to keep their promise of constant romantic affection afloat.
Barbie, if it's of any consolation,
it looks slightly better on you.
monkey pox, Pop Rocks, toilet snakes,
mad cow, bird flu, swine flu
because it's just not E. Coli
unless it's firing out both exits.
- OK, then, Mr James, you're free to...
This is very important!
He may even need a surgical consult.
If J. D and Kylie can make time
for that appointment kiss once a day,
Your credit card statement
would beg to differ.
Look, you're the only one
who can stand up to Kelso.
Where is that bastard? Kelso!
I just spent the last 3 hours
interviewing 212 hypochondriacs,
Noted. Now, if you will excuse me,
I have to fire someone.
I lost over 230 pounds so far.
The man had a massive heart attack.
I was nothing but professional.
- How long have you had that cough?
- Oh, a couple months now.
Next to him is Mike. Lost half his leg
in a motorcycle accident.
Just tell me who the
last person hired was, please?
I'm not quite sure how to say this,
We couldn't even make it one day.
J. D's sitcom fantasy is filmed
in front of a live studio audience.
like go to a carnival
or take a ride in a hot-air balloon.
It's mopping time.
No. This is my new sweater mop.
Get it done.
unless you want to count the fact that
you are the 20th-best basketball player
We could crank up the humidity and watch
your hair explode. That'd be terrific.
Newbie! I almost forgot about you.
Yeah, he's really good at not
finding five seconds to kiss his wife.
A balloon ride, lunch by the beach
and my first carnival.
Hey, I'm wondering,
what's the story with steel wool?
Look, I... Start laughing
or I start unplugging machines.
Thank you. I hope you
enjoyed our production
Wait, wait. There's one more contestant.
Aired 16 years ago - Feb 08, 2005
J.D. tries to impress Kylie by paying a hobo in the hospital to fake a heart attack, when everything becomes boring due to a quarantine that he caused.
Turk learns, that Carla dated Cox and gets mad at her for not telling him.
The Janitor makes a
bet with Dr. Kelso, who is starving, that will make him pay $700, unless the Janitor is able to get a "face cake," in order to satisfy him, from Laverne.
Also, Danni Sullivan returns to annoy everyone, causing a constant fight between Ted and Doug.
Though I could smell face cake
in the air, it was about to get worse.
You were going to take me
back to the underpass!
Thanks for the shirt, Lonnie.
Could be SARS.
Unfortunately, by hospital policy,
we have to stay locked down
OK. You can direct any technical
questions to my former sister-in-law.
and please don't even
get me started on you four surgeons.
I don't know.
I think it's kind of exciting,
- He's your bitch, isn't he?
I remember how excited I was the first
time I saw him work at the hospital.
- So, what first, doctor?
- Well, you need a chart.
Wait for me, Per-Per!
He needs his bedsores redressed.
It was gonna be me, a 24-ounce
porterhouse, and lots of blood thinners.
- Not here. Not here. Not here.
I don't see any signs.
- Give me $30.
- I gave you 20. I'm tapped!
You know, I feel like you guys
just use me for my money.
It was as if our first date got others
talking about some of theirs.
I take her for a romantic ferry ride,
and I decide to take it out...
- It had anchovies.
- And pineapples.
I heard the pain in my best friend's
voice, and felt how little I cared.
You know, James lied all the time,
and I don't know...
I don't deserve this.
- And you lied to me.
but could you keep it together
until we get home and talk about it?
...I bet you're tempted
to break open that face cake
You get me that damn face cake,
and you are free and clear.
I race motorcycles.
Come on. If he wasn't jealous,
it wouldn't be a big deal.
Bear in mind, I need absolute
honesty here or I will brain you.
Wow, he is really out.
and I'm betting if you just act
like yourself, Kylie will too.
- you wore for your date?
- The miracle lift super push-up bra.
I don't understand why Carla
didn't tell me about you guys.
after spending 90 dollars
on theatre tickets.
Aired 16 years ago - Feb 01, 2005
J.D. has a crush on a girl, who he met at a club, and he's torn about telling her, that her boyfriend has gonorrhea.
Elliot decides to take a stand against Dr. Kelso with one of her patients. And Dr. Cox is blackmailed by the Janitor for a basketball game's score, after he spoils the end of "The Sixth Sense."
He's just excited
Hey, J. D! This is my boyfriend James.
My God, look at those beautiful eyes.
You don't want to lose this hottie!
She is a slamming hottie, and you...
The dentist then says,
"If you think you're a moth,
why are you in a dentist's office?"
I forgot the punch line.
braces and such," and the moth says,
The light. It was the light, James.
Moths love light.
for instance when you're walking Kylie
to the apartment that you share?
Using patient histories to your
advantage is an old doctor trick.
I took a special interest in this case.
Do you believe that guy?
All the best. Ooh! Let it happen.
OK. Is there some special way
to get a black girl to like you?
and I am not going to just
wait for Mr Cheng to die.
It's done. It's parasites one,
from Monroeville, Pennsylvania.
Every year, the med students
get me with a practical joke.
Here's the key to Kelso's office.
so why don't you just go work your shift
and use my VCR to tape the game?
- What happened to your eye?
The soup kitchen where you volunteer
called... You played at Seton Hall?
Sweetie, you are drinking
the coffee from the doctors' lounge.
We should probably get you fixed up
has ever made made it through a shift
without saying, "Oh, my God!
Go, go, go, go! Chop, chop!
Thank you, thank you!
You did not just compare cheating
Yes, there is.
I sure do hope Mr Cheng rallies for you
- so that I can breathe underwater?
I should've brought my laptop.
I could've gotten so much work done.
Did you know only 17°% of people
Would you like to play
a game of hangman?
I just did an exchange transfusion
on my malaria patient in there,
Elliot's patient waking up
was a clear sign.
Just give me a second. I need to talk
to Elliot, and then I gotta clock out.
I don't like people disagreeing with me.
Aired 16 years ago - Jan 25, 2005
A man injured in a bar fight teaches Turk and J.D. a lesson about living life to the fullest.
Now, go back to your room.
I used the last of it
to make our party ice.
You mean an Irish brother
or an Irish brother?
Only taking the piss outta ya.
you were giddy about going home
and taking a bath tonight.
Where have you been
for the last few days?
Perhaps you're not really Irish.
Oh, no, man, we're just living together.
Not like living together.
It's less tearing and more folding.
You never know what life will put
in your lap when you open your arms.
Don't even sweat it. It's Elliot.
I turned your office
into my pyjama closet.
And why are you limping?
and I discovered I'm not attracted
to enormous women.
Why are you waving? You're married.
to know that this wave is known
He's not me brother. I only met
the fella last night, God bless him.
I'll see you at home.
If you're not his brother, who are you?
It was an accident.
He threw the first punch.
I mean, like my partner,
not like my partner.
Then me mate Danny peed on me head.
Elliot, you don't look too banged up
about it. You got your arm around Carla.
Should we call the cops on this guy?
All right, fine, let's call the cops.
you tend to talk
to everyone except them.
It's not my fault my
family had an orchard.
Perry, believe me when I say
I'm proud to welcome you
I'm sorry, my son is taking...
is taking ballet?
This is the payback, huh?
You have one day to come up
with another gorgeous Irishman.
Bonnie means pretty.
When did we stop being best friends?
- What the hell happened to you?
- I got them to reverse the vasectomy.
and by yelling at the football players
on my TV screen.
I don't need to know when you
beat up a woman in the park
But I'm a guy
sitting in front of you here
Aired 16 years ago - Jan 18, 2005
Elliot starts showing J.D. up as the calmer, more competent doctor. A date with the Janitor leads to an a capella sing-off between his "group" and Ted's band.
Turk starts taking his diabetes more serious, when he realizes the dire consequences of the disease.
OK. He's stable.
Scared Lonnie again.
Whoever this is, you're not
gonna believe what just happened.
That guy that crashed
this morning is doing great.
If it's the slowest doctor
in the hospital, then,
Elliot, if you need help,
just ask Dr Diagnosis.
Because if we all work hard, together,
I can get a big ass flat screen.
Don't think that when you go blind
I'm gonna go get you no seeing-eye dog.
Maybe Ms Kasuba has
a perinephric abscess.
Somebody probably knocked them over.
- What else do we know about her?
- You know what, J. D? I've got to run.
...weight for the jealous...
weight jealous champ.
There's a serious problem
with not getting to know our patients.
Laverne, if you care, you'll go
the extra mile, like my husband. Turk?
What'd I do?
For the last time,
I'm not gonna call you "The Hammer."
See? When I clap my hands
at the same time, it looks totally real.
Acute intermittent porphyria!
just in case my wife asks,
and she probably will,
Well, then, nice job, Nancy.
Elliot diagnosed Mrs Kasuba, not me.
Hey, as soon as I step foot
in this hospital, I'm all business.
If you could just help me
with these train wreck codes.
between your legs
and go ask her for help.
Cos this is my life
and I don't think it's funny.
Uh-oh, bro. There she is.
I feel like I made you
Yeah, yeah. And I don't think
it's going too far to say
- J.D., it's OK. It's good practice.
I don't know what to do
when everything goes wrong at once.
It's just you're a little smug.
- why you're being an unbelievable jerk.
- You're supposed to struggle, not me.
Ever since I got this thing,
I've been joking around about it,
That's what they call us
in all the diabetic chat rooms.
It's OK to be afraid. I am.
whatever that means, on three.
Aired 16 years ago - Dec 07, 2004
When J.D. has to address a bunch of pre-med students about what it's like to be a doctor, he strays off the beaten path and chooses to discuss his best moments as a doctor instead. When he challenges the rest of the staff to do so, they all remember
their best memories in the medical field.
Meanwhile, Elliot is forced to face her fear of children, when she must befriend a ten year old boy, whose father is being treated in the I.C.U.
Know what'd be neat?
If you took a second
Nothing sadder than a young guy checking
into the hospital on the holidays.
Hey! You brought Tyler
a new ice-cream cone.
Hold that thought, Newbie.
One, two, three, four.
For God's sakes.
Take a look around, would you?
But since I'm not in the mood
Well, it turns out he's
just young enough to die.
Which is when a vessel ruptures,
and then blood pours into the...
Hey, J.D. Turns out Mr Milligan
doesn't have insurance.
so you have to
sell it with your eyes.
- So I said, "I can't do it on my own."
- Excuse me, sir.
but it's Christmas, so...
What do you say?
So... what do you wanna be
when you grow up?
for their production of the Nutcracker.
Sure! So, what are you doing
this weekend, Laverne?
- Thanks, Carla.
- You're welcome, Doctor.
When he came in, Mr Milligan said
he and his son'd been wrestling.
Anytime a doctor disrespects me,
I respond with a little note.
I don't need you checking
on me every five seconds.
- I'm sorry, what?
- Kelso said no insurance.
- I'm a kite!
Great catch there, Carla.
Turns out Mr Milligan
has a ruptured spleen.
It's pretty impossible
to feel focused or detached
...designing and sewing of uniforms.
- Is this really Bob Kelso?
- Yes, this is really Bob Kelso!
This closet here.
And the one on the second floor.
In school, they never teach you
how to deal with death...
They're not, actually, very big on that.
Here you go.
Suffice to say that
it turns out, at first,
The point is that
Newbie is my drunk baby.
- You wanna know what I think?
- Don't say anything,
Aired 16 years ago - Nov 23, 2004
J.D. takes matters into his own hands, when searching for a relative for his favorite patient.
Meanwhile, Elliot is fed up with coworkers not taking her serious and discovers, that she can get her way by flaunting her femininity with some help from Carla and Jordan.
gonna miss me, Jerry.
was an air-traffic controller
at a small private airport.
Tower, this is Flight 117.
We've lost an engine.
We lost 'em.
- Then jump out and go, "That's me!"
- But wouldn't it be funnier
I found his son, I found his son
Don't get me wrong.
Outside the hospital,
Sweetie, you won't have to do that.
even though you know it never will.
First and last time I saw them,
by the way.
I can't keep my
kidney guy's son from leaving.
These are my favourite scrubs.
You got cake.
They guy said they didn't have any.
You have issues with your father
you're projecting onto me,
Make the flesh and blood
argument in a different way.
Elliot, did you talk Franklyn into doing
your patient's urinalysis before mine?
Elliot did a tongue-dance
in Franklyn's ear
Oh, I'll just be a sec.
If that's the way
female doctors here behave,
you're gonna wanna share
with your new pal.
before he coughs a kidney up to his
fake father and sues this hospital!
Well, Dr Kelso,
I'm just gonna tell him.
Now, how we gonna fix this thing?
I'm really asking for your help.
You've been great as usual.
What an odd-sized explosion.
And, of course,
Christopher the human honeycomb.
- I'm not falling for that crap again.
- This is real. Mickey's not here.
He's not my dad. He's my fake dad,
which means what my fake cousin
I mean, there were the
occasional missed baseball games.
You know, I got this kid
who constantly ignores my advice
Why do you keep talking about
your boss like he's your father?
- but there were other signs.
- Of course.
Elliot! What are you doing here?
and now he thinks you're this despicable
floozy-ho excuse for a doctor.
- That is not helpful, Turkelton.
- I was covered in bees!
I need you to reconsider blonde doctor,
and I'm gonna tell you why.
Aired 16 years ago - Nov 16, 2004
With the case against Turk on his mind, J.D. attempts to end it with Neena, but she won't take "no" for an answer and keeps him wrapped around her finger. Carla tries her own way of persuading Mr. Corman to drop the lawsuit.
Elliot sets out to prove she isn't the doctor she was four years ago and doesn't need to rely on anyone anymore.
One time we went to Aspen.
just like you told me last night,
or I will do it for you.
- Plus, you already had sex with her.
- Four and a half times.
That's disturbing in,
like, eight different ways.
I get the second she speaks.
- Believe me, you're better off.
- I agree.
Well, it's a very serious disease,
and I don't like you.
and I clearly wasn't asking
a question, Neena.
unless the next three words
out of your mouth
So, what's the word?
Is this guy any good?
I live in a tiny apartment
with my husband, his best friend,
What could get into
this man's head, baby? Huh?
First of all, thank you.
Secondly, I tried to be reasonable.
- Sit down.
- I won't. I'm leaving.
God help me, I do.
He also said for you to stop paying off
orderlies to sneak you cheeseburgers.
I love this guy.
Life is pointless, Gandhi,
And you reminded him
that people are basically good?
to ruin his innocence.
and maybe you could
tell him what it's like.
people don't want your help.
Let's sit down
and talk about this.
Hold on, Turk. Haven't you ever heard
of keeping your enemies closer?
Dr Elliot Reid.
...why do you want everybody here
to be as miserable as you?
but come on, we're definitely not
the ones that you want to be mad at.
My talk with Carla gave me
the courage to take a stand.
A man has to have his limits.
Has he actually told your family...
and it annoys the hell out of him,
But in tennis,
by putting a permanent black mark
on his medical record
The thing about strong women,
- And by the way,
Aired 16 years ago - Nov 09, 2004
J.D. is approached by a malpractice attorney, asking him to do a risky procedure on her father.
Meanwhile, Elliot guides Doug to a new career path and Turk struggles to avoid a hypochondriac patient.
J.D., big news. Guess what
my new cell phone number spells.
- She's not here.
- The best thing that's happened!
No, wait. There's more.
We don't foresee any big problems.
I have a few questions about my father.
Syncopy in severe LV systolic
dysfunction is a risk of arrhythmia.
should go wrong
with this elective procedure,
Like I said... rooms.
This is a very common hand size.
Carla, when I became chief resident,
I wrote a pledge to myself.
I'm not sure if I'm supposed
to give this to someone
Mr Korman, a nurse said
this was a full-on emergency.
- How many visits is this?
Just a patient's scared daughter.
It's OK, Doug.
Get outta here! Get out!
Can you hop a tall fence?
I'm behind on my dues.
and there's no way I'd ever
give you my cell phone number,
Still, right then, I decided something.
It's nice to have the right answer
to a tough question.
Oh, Priscilla, you are so busted.
Oh, no. He's not the loneliest guy.
That's the loneliest guy. Watch this.
thrown your ankles up, and
thanked whatever God you pray to
We seem to be in a bit of a loop,
so I'll step over and talk to this one.
This is a hospital.
He should have his shirt on.
How do you flunk eighth grade gym?
Cal Turk here. We don't sell insurance.
So she's nearby.
When faced with a decision, sometimes
you need to be alone with your thoughts.
How do I get my patient
to stop stalking me?
The guy's a pain in the ass,
but I can't do that to him.
You act like I've never dated.
I cannot figure out how this guy died.
Dissected left main during
a cardiac catheterisation.
Aired 16 years ago - Oct 26, 2004
When Molly takes a job at a different city, she and J.D. end up having a night of kissing, and he tries to rush to sleep with her before she leaves.
Dr. Cox goes on ambulance duty with a maniac, who he eventually finds out is a woman who has lost her son to an accident.
After the fire marshal
closed down the bar,
And that's how Molly and I
ended up alone on the couch
I hope it doesn't bother you.
Dude, just because it's good on salad
doesn't mean it's good on your lips.
Howdy, partner. Name's Denise Lemon.
Looks like we got a little ambu-date.
- I got something caught up there.
- No problem. I got it.
Elliot, once you're even, you can't
just go back to being not even.
- Know what I'm saying?
- You're saying you don't.
When we started school, the first day,
he cried, the second day, I cried,
There she is. Thanks, Juan.
My emotional journey began at five, when
I walked in on my parents having sex
I'm obsessive, I'm insecure,
and I am so afraid of intimacy
Perry! I was telling Jordan about that
sneezing attack I had this morning.
- I just came up with that band thing.
- Get out of town!
- He's two, and he can't talk yet.
- You should get him baseball cards.
Gum, gum, gum, gum,
gum, gum, gum, gum, gum!
- I sent them to the dry cleaners.
- Oh, Doug!
with a beautiful woman,
but I have no way
Let's get this show on the road!
Can you hear me now?
Tid, tid, tid, tid, tid, tid, tid, tid.
Any guy'd kill to have sex with Molly.
Hell, I'd kill to have sex with Molly.
He took it.
You spent too much time
crouching in that tree.
Look, enough with
the squawk box, all right?
Oh, Per, I think I'm hurt.
for the airport in ten minutes.
If you come in,
you have to take your shoes off.
Or is it the greatest
moment of your life?
Denise, that's not very likely,
and here's why:
Aired 16 years ago - Oct 19, 2004
When J.D. finds Dan with Elliot, Turk tells him to use the hurt brother excuse to get them to break up, just like Turk uses his diabetes to get stuff from Carla. But then J.D. realizes he wasn't hurt at all...
Dr. Cox and Dr. Kelso unite to try and torment their common enemy: Dr. Clock.
- I shouldn't smack talk.
- Hey, mind if I join you guys?
- Our dad.
Our prayers go out
to you and your family.
Look, I'm afraid I wasn't
being honest with you before.
Where are my Fig Newtons, Bob?
Dr Kelso's all bluster.
Underneath I bet he's a sweetheart.
who are hard on the outside
and hard on the inside.
who walk around vomiting sunshine.
Honey, my blood sugar's dipping.
Lucky for me, my diabetes window
stays open 24l7.
Turk was right. Lying to Elliot
was the perfect way
Obviously you did, or you
would have told me about it.
Uh-oh. It's payback time.
You were right. Payback's a bitch.
The job pays an extra $ 7,000 a year.
I'm trying to find an exterminator
to kill the bat in my attic.
I kept her from reporting me
for trying to con her out of meds.
since Enid got off anti-depressants.
Oh, God! It hurts so bad!
Elliot was the best thing that ever
happened to me, and now she's gone.
Look at all this stuff I bought.
Candles, champagne, a Dido CD.
Baby, you have to take this job.
I use a combination of
intimidation and degradation.
That wasn't very soft and creamy.
- You keep Enid in the attic?
- You make me laugh, Turkelton.
Nurse Turkelton, I wanted
to offer you that job once more.
so I used your diabetes as an excuse.
I don't know. I don't really remember.
Patience, Perry. With a tough one
like her, you have to wait for it.
You thought it'd be nice
to come clean?
Aired 16 years ago - Oct 12, 2004
When Dan resurfaces, J.D. is shocked to learn his father has passed away. The reactions from his co-workers help J.D. a little, but the one person, Dr. Cox, who he wanted to be there for him is too busy with J.D.'s patients.
Meanwhile, Dan sits drunk in the bath tub the whole day and Turk finds out he has Type II Diabetes.
No, that was the old Dan.
Look at me. This is new Dan.
but what say we start by docking your
pay for the cost of this monstrosity?
Love Connection was never cancelled.
It's just not on TV anymore.
I've dropped a few pounds. I don't know.
I think I got the flu, baby.
Not in front of the devil woman.
- I gotta go to work.
- OK, little brother.
Now, if you don't sign these papers,
this hospital will discharge you,
- What's your point?
... or a big gesture from
someone you've never met.
- Which is?
- Yeah, unfortunately,
I hate Dr Kim.
I have this patient, constantly tired,
always peeing, losing weight.
Devil woman gave me diabetes.
I took all his patients
But at that moment, it all hit me.
It can be your mind...
Oh, it's the flu, like I said.
You know what sucks? I thought
you were gonna come through for me.
Outstanding! You're walkin' away like
a pissy little ingrate. I mean, bravo!
Barbie, you've met me before. Yes?
I'm considering taking that hit.
The last few days,
I'm beginning to feel the old noodle
Do you want to remain seated?
- Newbie, don't shove me.
- Oh, really? Why not?
You want me to kick his ass?
- Oh, God. Who died?
- No. It's for Turk.
I haven't told her yet.
You can tell me anything.
If Uncle Bertie died, someone's
gonna have to go on a beer run.
It's Captain Bubblebeard.
and he's got you,
an emotionally crippled narcissist
we can make it at least halfway
to one legitimate adult.
I want to apologise to you
for that whole "devil woman" thing.
See, that was before Carla.
Dan? You were out with him?
I thought you dissolved.
Aired 16 years ago - Sep 28, 2004
Elliot becomes unsure, if she wants Molly as her mentor, when she finds out that Molly doesn't have a perfect home life.
J.D. is tested in leadership skills when Dr. Cox yells at him in front of his interns.
Carla and Turk try to come to an agreement when Turk continuously wakes Carla up every night.
- Hi, Dr Kelso.
- Dr Reid.
Mike's got a curved peep.
I've noticed your leadership skills
are... How can I put this delicately?
Slap yourself very hard
in the face then leave.
That's fine. You know what, baby?
Since you're up, I was wondering...
If I didn't love her,
I'd spread rumours that she's bulimic.
- and accidentally run into your dad?
- Kind of.
...l'm just gonna act confident,
and they're gonna believe I'm confident.
I realised she wasn't just my friend.
You guys all have the potential
to be amazing doctors.
I thought you meant
you'd stay up until I went to sleep.
adopt a child, raise her
and send her to medical school
and I have heard every tired,
recycled putdown you have in you.
I'm feeling so good today
Sorry I'm late.
I was singing, and I fell.
ditch the tape recorder
and act like you got a pair!
I once had a threesome,
and not the cool kind.
- Oh, my God! Is he OK?
- I've been better.
He's got the most beautiful eyes
I've ever seen.
Am I too much of a wimp?
I closed the door on the creep
It's gonna be OK, sweetie.
- OK, what should I do?
- Make out with him. He's such a catch.
- You had a bedtime when you were 17?
- Not every night.
that Mike gets a little handsy
when he's on the painkillers?
Perry, I'd be remiss if I didn't tell
you that earlier I wish I'd said,
Look me in the eyes and tell me
that's not messed up.
Turk, would you pour me
a cup of decaf, please?
Starts with coffee.
Next thing you know,
You know, it took me
a hell of a lot to shake off
or maybe it's my fault
because I can't tolerate
and this is something that I've never
actually shared with anybody before,
Stick with me here, Barbie. The point is
that if you've found somebody
Newbie, I need to talk to you.
And from now on,
if you have a problem with me,
It was worth it.
Aired 16 years ago - Sep 21, 2004
J.D. is shocked to hear Dr. Cox tell his interns that eventually, they will screw up and kill a patient. J.D. fears his first time killing someone will soon be upon him.
Elliot is upset with Molly, after she disagrees about a patient's promise to attend drug rehab.
Carla loses Rowdy and she and the Janitor go looking for him.
You were on a racetrack, Mrs Carter.
Then he's just a Nutter Butter.
Your sign doesn't say
"live dog groomer."
- Occasional glass of wine with dinner.
- And any drug use?
- Do you smoke cigarettes?
- No way.
- Not just someone. Dr Da Man.
- Who's Dr Da Man?
- If you think it's the right thing.
- I do. Dr Cox!
It's really not a question of "if".
It's a question of "when".
- Maybe I'll have flapjacks.
- They don't have those.
But no, dear,
you didn't kill any of us.
- Yeah? Who told you that?
- The wind.
There were never any squirrels.
Long time recovering heroin addict.
Bulldog. That's what it was.
who's gonna destroy it with drugs.
- But I haven't. I know you haven't.
- Hell, yeah, I have.
Mrs Kahn, my second year.
Then later that third day...
I'll tell you what.
I'll go with you for moral support.
See? We all end up leaning on certain
clichés when making major decisions.
Those of you who have met him,
like Ted, can attest to this.
I'm here as a friend.
I think you should ask Ted again.
Of course, sometimes,
friends will surprise you.
Why? Because you
betrayed me? Betrayer.
No, Molly, it's 3.00. You're
still on stupid Greenland time.
I heard Mr Daniels isn't getting
his pericardiocentesis. Since when?
What are the odds?
Mr Daniels, we have rethought things and
decided you should have that procedure.
You shouldn't go home.
Where? Where am I gonna find
a dead, stuffed yellow lab?
I just needed to know
where the line was.
Fellas, I'd like you all to meet Kyle.
Well, I guess I was
a little more persuasive than I thought.
Absolutely. Not a problem.
I'm real good at rehab.
- Thank you.
I hope I'm wrong, and I hope he stays
clean. Let's not make this personal.
that's gonna make you...
Besides, I had bigger problems.
I had to do Mr Daniels'procedure.
- She died?
- Three days ago of endocarditis.
Rowdy was 48 inches from snout to tail.
Steven's only 46 on a good day.
I'm not sure
it's the healthiest habit in the world.
Aired 16 years ago - Sep 14, 2004
Dr. Cox is having issues with Jordan, since Ted revealed that they are still technically married due to some filing problems.
J.D. has problems of his own as he can't shake off the tag of Co-Chief Resident the Janitor assigned to him, while Elliot
keeps the Chief Resident tag.
Elsewhere, Turk begins to doubt his abilities after letting a patient die and isn't helped, when he finds out J.D. has no confidence in him either.
Dr. Cox and Molly spar about her involvement in his patients.
- You know it.
- That's cold.
Miss Myers is ready to have
her bandages removed now.
but with reconstructive
facial surgery on top of that?
That was good.
You know what? I've got a son,
- So, what's his wife like?
- So scary.
Since Elliot and I
are both chief residents,
Just because I lured her away
from her boyfriend and dumped her
Damn it! You are quick.
So I can't pronounce it.
Try and be a little more sensitive, OK?
the duodenal jejunostomy
instead of the Todd?
What? The little guy's in leg braces.
- Holy cow.
- What do you think?
So I'm supposed to pay
for your Botox the rest of my life?
Look, Attila, there's no way
I'm gonna listen
Would Co-chief Dorian
please report to the ICU?
I told him they were shooting
a Sacred Heart calendar.
Damn it, now I'm saying it.
I think she's a little upset
she doesn't look the way she used to.
When I get in there,
because I'm a good shrink,
Hi, sweetie. I'm in a tunnel.
I know I had a big nose
and droopy eyes,
We're both chief residents.
Isn't that right, Dr Reid?
Obviously, for your ex-wife,
just the illusion of hair is important.
Look, if I ever want your advice
on one of my patients,
It can be scary to stick
your neck out for a friend.
- What do you mean she died?
- JD, I did everything I could.
What do you think Todd
would have done that I didn't?
Oh, my God! That's your "the Todd would
have pulled his own heart out" look!
I'm taking Jack and staying
at my mother's a few months.
Molly sent her down to surgery.
Did you just sew your gown
into the patient? Yeah, you did.
Hey, you fixed him!
Come on, buddy.
and mine's made out
to the co-chief resident,
but I have
more important things to do.
No, I'm mad because
of that surgery today.
Carla, do you have any powder?
That is great kielbasa, but you can't
really screw up kielbasa, can you?
you should go back to the way
it was when you were happy.
It's like, "Look at poor Elliot
going home alone."
The point is, it was nice being
the one chief resident for a while.
by the American Bar Association,
Aired 16 years ago - Sep 07, 2004
Dr. Clock tries to reconcile J.D. and Eliot, while waiting to see which one Dr. Cox will give the Chief Resident position to. Molly and Carla are experiencing some subtle conflict and Elliot and J.D. begin to come together after long bouts of
conflict of their own.
Meanwhile, Dr. Cox, Turk and the Janitor are forced to work together to help a patient.
What a jerk.
I am a professional, and you are
not gonna get me to compete with Elliot.
Hit the water!
Actually, no, he's not my cousin.
And his name isn't Perry. It's Jeff.
I'm going to do a study about conflict
resolution between hospital personnel,
I never get to give good news.
You should've seen him. He was so happy
he started dancing in his bed.
Molly helped me fill out
my chief resident application,
I decided not to share it with Elliot.
Barbie! Listen carefully,
because the policy remains unchanged.
Don't feel bad. You couldn't
have seen it coming. Awful, though.
You said you told him.
He's starting to look like
the break-out character,
- Baby, I'm not hungry now.
- Eat it.
- Very funny.
- So not joking.
No, no, I totally understand.
Come on. You did what you had to do.
with 10,000 "John Dorian,
Chief Resident" business cards?
and as useful in medical situations
as an un-potty-trained labradoodle,
What, and miss your hall of fame hissy?
Not on your life. Walk with me.
What you need to do is give each other
tons of space. Here's your office.
I take issue with that.
Of course you did.
Conflict is everywhere,
I guess the only thing to do
when you're in the middle of it
I'd be happier if I didn't have to
share the job with such a jerk.
- Of course not.
Thanks, JD. First pick.
Website's on the back.
So why don't you just play quietly
in your area until the crowd arrives?
Leon's trained to retrieve things.
That's it! I want everybody to get out
who is not an expert on light bulbs.
Not so fast.
You're working with me, tall man.
OK, she's gone.
Carla, Todd has something
he wants to say to you.
You're stubborn and proud, but you're
nice, so eventually you'll tell me.
You kind of harmonised on that.
That was cool.
I did, and I finally got one, and, you,
you stole it, man.
Holy cow. You realise if we could get
a tight clamp around the bulb...
Doug wanted me to give this patient
500,000 milligrams of morphine.
I have a rich uncle
who'd do anything for me,
is that when someone's in trouble,
all the pettiness melts away.
but she likes to be the person
who tells everybody what to do.
...and tell Carla that you did well.
Aired 16 years ago - Aug 31, 2004
The new Dr. Clock arrives with her spaced out personality and doesn't cease to call J.D. "Johnny." But J.D. is fine with it, because there is nothing that is going to bring down his last week of being a resident before he officially becomes a full fledged doctor.
Here it is. Watch it.
Oh! Duck and move.
Secondly, I can't get out of these
chairs she got. Am I using it right?
Don't look at me. It just fell.
Please, please, please, please?
It felt special to me, and I had a hunch
it meant a lot to one other person.
that I care as little about
as our last week together.
Jeff, that Wiggle
who sleeps too darn much,
Hugh Jackman's Wolverine.
How dare he?
So is JD going
to be there tonight?
Elliot, we'll do something
later this week, the two of us.
It's strange feeling alone when a month
ago, I was part of this tight group.
When you get back from surgery,
The most amazing thing happened.
Mr Radford, if you keep turning down
therapy, you'll never get out of bed.
You were having some trouble
motivating your patient.
Why, Marishka? Why insist
on bothering me with these things?
Borrow me? Dear heart,
you'd be rescuing me.
You're setting the bar low
on that one there.
Fantastic. It's too good.
Elliot, you're overreacting.
We're not some kind of gang, OK?
Also, I had to draw upon my medical
experience to get Mr Radford out of bed.
I know you're new, but that's my
patient's chart, and no one touches it.
Here comes the magic.
He always gives me goose bumps.
That's what I will be doing.
I'm glad your surgery went OK and you
have your A game. I don't care who wins.
Go home and get in bed. I'm betting
your friend Mr Radford's already in his.
I didn't have plans last night, so I
went to bed at 8.00 and woke up at 4.00,
I am not depressed, sir! In fact,
nothing is gonna get me down today!
"Oh, shut up!"
I'm sure I can expect an appropriate
response. Shoot me in the neck.
This is kind of cool.
Maybe we can be friends.
Excuse me, doctor. I dropped a nickel
in that therapy whirlpool.
Why did you kick my scooter?
No, I get it. You're feeling lonely.
You're feeling rejected.
Why is everybody saying that?
That, my friends, is Mr Radford
getting out of bed.
Behavioural modification can be brought
about through classic conditioning.
I'll tell you something else. Dr Cox
is a textbook, closed-off alpha male.
It's burning. It's like fire.
It doesn't seem like you're doing that.
You gave away my clock, sold my chairs,
Do you want me to rub ointment on them?
Look at that. I knew I smelled that odd
combination of fear and baby powder.