Aired 16 years ago - May 04, 2004
The big day for Turk and Carla has finally arrived, but a patient holds up Turk.
With Elliot still angry at him, J.D. attempts to reconcile her with Sean as a way to make everything right again in their friendship.
and two sisters with three eyebrows.
I promised I wouldn't get emotional
until after we took the pictures.
You never have to have sex again
except when you want to.
because he's getting married today.
It's only for family and close friends,
and we'd love for you to be there.
Perry, Jack is at my mom's.
- What are you doing here?
- We RSVP'd when we were dating.
and you two are gonna have
an awesome life.
What do you think we should do?
- Where are the other bridesmaids?
- They're out buying an eyebrow.
Go back three days and keep me
from throwing away my life for you.
I just wanna wish you two
all the luck in the world.
Turk got held up in surgery,
My friend, I'm about to make you
look very silly.
Hey, babe, got any wedding wishes?
Me and your roommate didn't really
work out, but we're still friends.
Don't go there, Padre. He'll be here.
It's been four days, which, by the way,
makes the beard all the more impressive.
take her into your hairy arms
and tell her you want her back.
Miss Espinosa, if your fiancé
is not here in the next 30 seconds,
Give me a bucket of Scotch.
Sport, take these and keep moving.
You can cross off "Keys in the face."
Honestly, there's nothing you can do.
What do you mean, disaster?
This is an amazing wedding.
- Mermaids aren't real.
- I know what I saw.
No music. I swear,
I am this close to losing it.
Shame on you.
- Are forks where the big money is?
- Forks and ladles.
JD and I have this history, and
I actually thought he might be the one.
Carla. I apologise. I am a horse's ass.
Marriage is overrated. Jordan and I
aren't married and we get along great.
Look, you and Turk were meant to be
together. It's fate, and you know it.
- That was awesome.
- You made out with a little person.
So, mind if we start with some Tupac?
- Can I have a ride home?
- Well, sure.
I never would've gone home with you
and sabotaged everything I had with him.
You think my name is Turk Turkelton?
Aired 16 years ago - Apr 27, 2004
J.D. is unsure what to do, when he realizes he made a mistake telling Elliot he loved her.
The Janitor squares off against Dr. Cox after he loses the election of the janitors to Randall.
Carla's brother Marc constantly puts Turk in a tough situation, when Turk forgets to write his wedding vows.
Maybe I don't feel I deserve Elliot
because I have low self-esteem.
It's like a mechanical vice.
Do you wear a nanny mask or slap on
a name tag that says, "I'm your mommy"?
I'll buy a whole new wardrobe. To pay
for it, we'll sell one of your shoes.
that after a day with you I can still
smell your perfume on my clothes,
I was gonna rent that the other night,
but I remembered I'm a heterosexual.
- No. Me.
- Get out of my face.
Maybe Elliot's just not the right fit.
Or how she's the only person I know
who sneezes with her eyes open.
and Then Spend the Other 357
Whining About It?
Good. You're wetting
down the floor for the older folks.
I need your help, man.
It's about Elliot.
And all I've got so far is "Let's give
it up for the caterers. Good chicken."
Maintenance? I have your names now.
The maintenance brothers.
Since you guys worked so hard, read
them at the rehearsal dinner tonight.
Unfortunately for me,
I wasn't in love with Elliot.
Thanks for letting me crash at your
place while Carla's family's in town.
I'm ordering more pens. Do you like
twisty bottoms or clicky tops?
Baby, you mean so much to me.
That's why you my baby.
Tell her I couldn't come up with
anything, so I guess I don't love her.
If your life was on the line you
couldn't squeeze one eloquent thought
Their mom was trying to sing that song.
God, we have so much history together.
who happened to be
one of my closest friends
- What's going on with you?
- Jordan and I aren't...
and rip each other new ones,
make it special.
Like you got right now.
Just like that one.
When you realise you wanna spend
the rest of your life with someone,
- Is that a frown?
- What else you got?
What did you say? I will kill you.
That's the reason I can imagine being
with you when I'm 70 and you're 65,
I'm gonna go check on Sally.
Aired 16 years ago - Apr 22, 2004
Elliot asks Sean to move in with her, which only adds to J.D.'s problems.
Turk is unsure why Dr. Miller's attitude towards him has changed, until he finds out that Carla un-invited her from their wedding.
Dr. Kelso outrages Dr. Cox when he announces
that Sacred Heart will begin doing full body scans, starting with an ever present hypochondriac patient, who wants any freebies he can get.
Carla's not the freak-out type.
- Yeah, they can't see.
- Sonar. Wait, that's whales.
Cool. I'm already kind of sleeping
with this guy named Danny anyway.
It was odd that she stuck around for two
hours to do her morning yoga.
I brought all my stuff to Danny's house
three days ago.
- That's not true, is it?
- Hell, no.
Really? What's his name?
I have 187 people who RSVP'd "yes"
for a 125-seat wedding.
- Really. It'll be fine.
If one single person gets
a full-body scan, I will kiss your ring.
would spend a thousand dollars on some
silly scan if he's feeling fine?
- I just calmed her down.
- She's quite mad.
I don't know. Remember back in college
Was I supposed to bring
the tickets or the sandwiches?
You shaved your head
for the first time after that.
I wanna know
everything that's wrong with me.
Last time you tried to torture me
to prove a point, Doctor...
Mr Corman, apparently your insurance
company's not gonna cover it.
If you don't want me
to throw you out of here,
- You aren't exactly Ross and Rachel.
Thanks for the lift. On Tuesdays
my feet swell up like Jiffy Pop bags.
- Zip it. I know a shortcut.
- I'm getting chair-jacked.
It is scary. I knew this girl in college
who moved in with her boyfriend.
- Could be you.
You've had many chances,
and you never stepped up to the plate.
Un-invite my boss, huh? We'll see how
she likes it when I mess with her world.
an admittedly frugal hypochondriac,
not to get a free full-body scan?
All this concern about my health
and my well-being, and it's about a bet?
It was a little difficult
changing your cake at the last minute,
They don't have
tiny plastic interracial couples.
To where you keep
all the other coloured cakes?
It's great you guys
are moving in together.
- It should be me.
or sitting with you eating pizza
and watching a crappy TV show,
- You win.
You do whatever you want.
- Big-screen TV at the reception?
- I knew you wanted to see the playoffs.
Aired 16 years ago - Apr 20, 2004
J.D. hooks up with Danni again, after Sean returns, but he can't forget about his passionate night with Elliot.
Meanwhile, Dr. Cox realizes, that he might actually have a crush on the one doctor he loathes.
last night was really important to me.
I totally understand. Danni and I are
getting back together, too.
- That incision's healing up nicely.
- Thanks again, Dr Miller.
- Did you?
- Yes, I did.
I told security to look into it, but no.
- Their uniforms are black and grey.
- I don't see colours well. Happy now?
Elliot really hurt me. Still, right now
I need to keep a level head.
I was pretending to be someone
I thought you wanted me to be.
I thought that's what you wanted.
I'm sorry. Look,
there's a new doctor at the hospital.
- You have a crush on her.
- Who said who to what now?
the way Cerberus
guarded the gates of hell.
Do you want any water?
He's a really good buddy.
Why don't we just
consider this a warning?
I think we can work something out.
Don't worry about it.
is appropriate for somebody
who just had kidney surgery.
I hate my girlfriend.
You are so annoying. You must drive
your wife insane. Are you married?
That's what I say, too. That or no.
Q-tip, some girl who says
she's your girlfriend's on the phone.
or the constant threat of terrorism.
You'd rather hang out with someone
you don't even like than be alone?
Don't even start, Tarla, or Curk,
"You spend so much on clothes."
"You're sleeping with my sister."
A form allowing Mr Stockton's band
to come visit him,
No, because he likes being miserable.
- I've got something for you.
We're both good-Iooking guys. Right?
- You know I only have one set.
- Can I ask you a favour?
Jamey, Toby, Joe.
- You two made me dream again.
- We didn't cave in to Kelso.
That's right. Integrity.
Can I talk to you for a second?
Sorry, everybody. False alarm.
Aired 16 years ago - Apr 06, 2004
Turk has to confront a young patient of his, when he accidentally cuts a nerve and the boy (who happens to be a concert pianist) loses use of one of his hands.
Meanwhile, one of Elliot's patients unintentionally teaches her a lesson about her relationship with J.D.
is gonna be sitting at our table.
I'm just mad I forgot my camera.
Or did I?
and I'll tell you a secret
that'll make you feel better. Come here.
It's just I miss talking to you.
I miss seeing you. I even miss
you don't have to reduce every woman
to her physical attributes.
I'm not saying I'm good but if there
was a surgeon award show around here,
If you act like that
in front of one of our patients again,
- Did you mind that cocky stuff?
- No. I love Bri-Bri.
So now I gotta give them
the 411 on my mad daredeviling skills.
That hurt through my helmet.
I rented Lord of the Rings
last night so... I would do Frodo.
- I would love for you to join me.
- Not so fast there, Bob.
Gosh darn it, Perry,
you are entertaining.
Never, ever, do anything with Bob Kelso.
I'll remember that. Not the crazy,
Bri-Bri, you're in the money.
Girls love the artsy type.
I don't know the exact distance
in terms of feet and inches,
That's strange. I remember having
a conversation with you about this.
- That's the correct use of that phrase?
- I don't know, sir.
Yes. See, I've got this boyfriend,
except he's all the way in New Zealand
Dr Reid couldn't be here today,
children, so I'm here in her place.
- Have you ever slept with a black man?
- Just finish the procedure.
he'll just have some nerve damage
and limited use of his right hand.
I made a mistake.
Just say it, "I made a mistake."
or is it that you no longer have a soul?
Kelso wanted you at that dinner
lend credence to the rumours
that you and I are having a fling.
the minute you say no to him
I've never made balloon animals, but
raise your hand if you like your eels.
Angry Disturbed Clown is trying to
teach us that it's never funny to push.
You steal my research project and
now you want me to do your dirty work?
That watch you gave me might still be
inside Mr Conti, but nothing like this.
You took responsibility
for your actions, right?
We were unable to save him.
I'm so sorry.
You were a clown for me?
I got her a present
on my ex-girlfriend's birthday.
I got a confession to make, man.
A simple "I'm busy" would have sufficed.
you'd be left here staring
at an imaginary woman's chest.
I'm taller than he is.
Aired 16 years ago - Mar 30, 2004
J.D. must keep a secret when Carla's "what-if" guy asks her out on a date.
Meanwhile, on the other side of the argument, Carla hounds Turk for checking out other women.
Elliot is also on the spot as Dr. Cox and Dr. Kelso both advise her not to give her patient drugs as they suspect he is an addict faking pain.
Whether it's the new flower lady
who winks too much,
he has graciously
offered to answer any of your questions.
Nothing, man. Just waiting
for my brother to get off work.
- Don't put it that way in your vows.
- Let's see how he likes it. Hey, honey.
- Mine's firm, like mutton.
- A trick I picked up in med school.
- I think my insides exploded.
and I figure there should be
at least one sober adult in the room.
There's nothing worse
than people with a history.
But that summer, they took a river
rafting trip and they both drowned.
I've run every test. I cannot figure out
why this guy is in so much pain.
He is a very clever drug addict.
- just so they can get a fix.
- Well, I believe in this guy.
Give her a second there, gang.
- When do you think of this stuff?
- Every minute of every day.
Any sign of my brother the janitor?
And besides, you flirt sometimes.
It's harmless, right?
It's not always harmless.
He was here eight years ago
complaining of the same abdominal pain
And you hate to see anyone get crushed.
Even Dr Hot-butt.
If we go out and I feel nothing, you
know how confident I'll feel about Turk?
But then I'll know
that we're not as close as I thought.
his doctor couldn't diagnose him and
just threw painkillers at him instead.
look like if you were Chinese.
Thank you, brothers, for inviting me
to your twin birthday party.
Hey, thanks, bro. I'm definitely
gonna use this to write to you
Sometimes around here,
you can't believe what you're seeing.
Oh, great, you're getting medication
for your pain patient.
You know, you have this unbelievable
ability to make me doubt myself.
But you're more concerned with
being right than doing what's right.
I've been thinking about
Carla nagging me.
- More wine?
- Oh, God, yes.
Yeah. What was that cute name
that you used to call her?
- I'm so glad we did this.
- Me too.
I refused painkillers, I did
the "you're the greatest doctor" bit.
Why don't you say it? Why don't you
tell me what the problem is and say it?
- I'm gonna go tell Turk.
- Oh, that's great. She's gonna go...
I don't think Turk will be as excited
about your date as you.
Honey, that was a long time ago.
Aired 16 years ago - Mar 16, 2004
An ever present butterfly prompts the question on what could have happened different as Turk looks for his lucky do-rag for surgery, and Elliot tries to find a lost stuffed animal for a child needing a bone marrow transplant.
I was looking at the butterfly
that happened to land on them.
I would love to, darling,
but I'm a bit busy right now.
- Son, are you listening to me?
- Yes, sir.
Dr Dorian was on time and you were busy
doing that hilarious betterlworse bit,
My head's going to melt when I say this,
but Kelso's idea wasn't half bad.
It's your show, Debbie.
I'm starving and need to take a bathroom
break, which is why I'm dancing.
how is it you had an ambulance take you
to your dinner reservation last night?
Turk, I don't need you
to fight my battles for me.
Show me your penis
and I'll take it away from you.
I've had nausea and stomach pains
for a couple of days now.
so we'll check back with you in a while.
Your opinion is
just as important as mine.
Here's the deal, Eleanor, we're gonna
get a full work-up on this guy.
but haven't had the courage to order.
I'm sorry, here I was in my own little
world, dreaming about candy bracelets.
You never pay attention to the
little things that are important to me.
Let's get him a CT angiogram, stat.
- I want my doggie.
- I'm so sorry.
Like what if things
had gone a little differently?
Newbie, we didn't have
a chance on this one.
What is wrong with you?
You're looking at that guy's cleavage
Could you help me look
for a pink, stuffed doggie?
Let's mix it up. Let's saw some wood.
There we go. Nice. Very good.
- Nice grab.
- I'm a righty.
Punch out on time,
or I'll punch you out on time.
You're absolutely right, baby,
and I apologise. Remember, do-rag.
No. You mark my words, we will find that
little girl's stuffed animal.
This never would have happened
if your room weren't so filthy.
Yes, you are. Fortunately, though,
your vitals are normal.
I'm in charge
and don't care about your opinion.
You're the kinda... Dammit!
Have you ever noticed words that rhyme
with "bowel" are always bad?
Aired 16 years ago - Mar 02, 2004
Jordan's friends Allison and Maddie come to town to provide moral support for Jordan after her brother's death – however, their constant presence does not provide any relief to Dr. Cox.
Meanwhile, Turk tries to impress the new female surgeon, Dr.
Miller, but his first encounter serves only to leave him baffled by the opposite sex yet again. Attempting to reinforce the policy on sexual harassment at Sacred Heart, Carla is forced to teach a course where Dr. Kelso is the number-one student.
And that's the gift shop.
You know Jordan, she's a rock.
Let me go ahead and tee this up for you,
Hotdog, three o'clock.
I mean five o'clock. Over there.
As long as your expectations are low,
maybe we should have sex.
It occurred to me
that we can't allow this to continue.
Ted's sad life aside, you are going
to run a sexual harassment seminar.
What? He's baiting me.
Look, Abby, I didn't write you
asking for help, so if you continue,
Well, you know, nothing ventured...
but Jordan's Satanic brood
has taken over my apartment
- Agility exercises?
- I'm air-fondling Dr Miller's boobies.
- But keep your mouth shut. OK?
Hello? The door was open...
We will leave. But before we go,
Ali could really use a man's opinion.
We were going to go to the gym, but
I could just as easily throw up instead.
34, 35, 36.
- You have five.
- I put those in to prove a point.
Great service by Reverend Kim today.
Anybody gives you trouble,
I'll handle him.
You're one of the sneaky ones
who says all the right things,
Player, check it.
Are you gonna cry like a little boy?
I'm marrying Carla.
Who do you think wears the pants?
I won't become the youngest chief of
surgery in history and cure paralysis,
tear you several new ones
for a full hour?
and rescued my drowning body in time
to pump the seawater out of my lungs
You don't want my help, I'll back off,
but only because I feel a bit guilty.
I'll tell them I was too busy
attending this chat fest with you
Are you asking me out on a date?
- There's a closet.
- It's one of my favourites.
Dr Turk may ask you where to get
his girlfriend some naughty lingerie.
Having those two harpies
nesting in our home is not helping.
That's going in the box.
Girls' names are out.
- I knew you'd hate her.
- I love her.
No, Todd, the term "melons"
is just as bad as "sweater meat".
Take Bob-O here.
He's just a product of a different era.
And this one, I can't even imagine what
that upbringing must have been like.
It is a hard knock life.
because God forbid we should
show the slightest sign of weakness.
Aired 16 years ago - Feb 24, 2004
Jordan's brother and sister return, but Dr. Cox learns that his brother-in-law Ben hasn't visited a doctor about his cancer in the two years he has been gone traveling the world.
You know something,
you have slept with both of my sisters.
What's weird is it's taken my best
friend so long to come and see my son.
Here's me at the Great Wall of China.
You know, I missed you too.
Elliot, you're gonna
have to take off your sock.
It'd be better if you focus
on how you're doing this for Sean.
That was before
I knew what was under there.
We lose him, we lose our sex appeal.
Let me powder my head first.
who Jordan just has to have for
Jack's birthday party just got a DUI.
Hey, JD, my sister Danni is more
of a gentle kisser, don't you think?
Who wants what bigger or smaller?
No, it wouldn't.
Usually I'd talk to Dr Cox
but he's doing stuff.
That hurt here and here.
You know what, sweetie?
I'm fine with getting rid of this mole
As a doctor, you're around death
so much, you get used to the guilt
It was your fault.
Now get the hell out.
You know what I need? I need people
to stop telling me what I should do.
Ever since I started taking care of
your patients, not one of them has died.
- I don't want to do this.
- No one's gonna call you names.
Dr Cox took all your patients.
I don't think he understands that
"Espinosa" is more than a name to me.
But as you've forced me to respond,
But, more importantly, I really don't
care about any of you or your problems,
When you and Jordan first got married,
If it was, I'd already put Mr Fordham's
hand in a bowl of warm water,
Look, why don't you just let me take
this little mental breakdown of yours
is a veritable who's who
of incompetent puppets?
- No, I haven't seen her.
- Well, if you do, page me.
We're not looking for dead Carla.
I'm just here to get a nasal speculum.
I made her have surgery
but that just made things worse.
- and I'm sorry.
can take a lot of different forms.
And if you don't, who cares?
You all stink anyway.
Aired 16 years ago - Feb 17, 2004
Elliot finds herself perplexed over a simple procedure that leaves her questioning her career path. She goes to seek Dr. Kevin Casey's advice but becomes frustrated when she learns that the epiphany toilet, which the Janitor secretly installed on
the roof, is getting more attention than she is.
Meanwhile, Turk asks J.D. to be his best man at his wedding, which sends J.D. into sheer bliss momentarily until he hears a phone message that makes him question his friendship with Turk.
You see, a census said that hospital
admissions dropped in February.
It's weird how much Dr Casey
has influenced me in a short time.
Everyone talks about how Dr Casey's
helped them and he doesn't know I exist.
Go easy on the mascara
in case you cry during your toast
there's no guarantee
you won't screw up number 5,001.
I don't know why Carla wants me to wear
a cumberbund, let alone a red one.
- You better feel the burn.
- I can feel it burning.
Yeah, I'll do that. As the best man,
don't you think my tux
I've got a billion patients
and no rooms.
extract that extra air out of Barbie's
head and inject it right into my veins.
Bob Kelso. I though we'd met.
- What now?
- You tell anybody about my toilet?
Why would I tell anyone?
And no one has epiphanies on the john.
When two people collide,
a lot of things can happen.
Could you not point that at me?
so I can be your best man after all.
I'm looking forward to it. Call me.
Paint your legs black, you'll be fine.
I better get to work
before all the good patients are taken.
"I knew he was gonna die." And if
you take too long of a pause with it,
- Have you seen the roof toilet?
- No, but I'm a nervous pooer.
I know you've helped out a lot of people
and I've got this intubating problem...
I would use Dr Kelso's,
but I don't wanna wake up Hector.
That means "God is watching us."
JD, can I talk to you?
Have you seen Carla around?
I gotta finish telling my whole family
that you picked me as your best man.
Now, the only thing that sets me apart
is that my beeper plays,
I've heard about how amazing you are.
I'm not leaving until you help me out.
I can't think straight
with this whispering.
I may be leaving here,
but I will always be there.
have such a big impact and then vanish
just like that, never to be seen again.
Doug, Snoop Dogg intern.
but I'm out of hair scrunchies. Scram,
we're waiting for somebody.
With Mulberry, I really believe
New York has a shot at the title, man.
The only reason I asked my brother
was because I knew he couldn't come.
If it makes it easier,
I guess we could be co-best man.
and a circuit board where his heart
should be? I can't rule that out.
in your life outside of this place?
Aired 16 years ago - Feb 10, 2004
J.D. believes he may have finally found a mentor in Dr. Kevin Casey, a surgeon with obsessive-compulsive disorder, and it turns out that Dr. Cox has always been jealous of the guy.
Meanwhile, the Janitor and his new assistant help Kelso out with a garbage problem.
Well, that's very pretty.
And deeply disturbing.
Dr Kevin Casey.
Dr Kevin Casey.
- I can do it.
- I believe in you.
You realise I haven't laid eyes on you
since we were residents together?
Was the hair and earring cos you were
in a band or cos you loved pirates?
Repeat after me:
I doubt they'll be back, sir. Unless
someone who comes up here every day,
Randall and I
can get rid of that garbage for you.
Suicidal scavenger birds,
an excellent sign. Right?
You going to the... Oh-Arr?
Even though I did those things, it's
the best advice I could give any doctor.
- I think this is the language centre.
- Really? Cos I don't feel a...
The French would help with the ladies.
Randall, you, me, on the roof,
winner takes all.
You realise that back when
I was a resident, I was a kind lad.
He's anaemic, and he has bone fractures,
yet there's no sign of leukaemia.
I wouldn't have figured it out
if you hadn't done the grunt work.
You know, I'm really looking forward
to seeing you in action, sir.
- Do chickens wish they could fly?
- I have no idea.
Instead of me questioning you, I'd like
to see you all go get your textbooks.
Go get your books!
Otherwise it's not just Ted
who's gonna pay for it.
Shut up, bozo.
Absence of von Willebrand receptors.
No. I'm a good doctor.
OK, first I think
that we should go over the rules.
It's funny how one person can shake
another's foundation to the core.
Nice place. It's got that
great vomit and peanuts smell.
Well, I don't carry anything around.
None of us slept last night.
How I know that is irrelevant.
- That guy.
- Hey, Hair Club.
What's up with the oatmeal today?
What in the hell just happened?
What just happened?
I could spend my spare time
doing stupid hand exercises.
- without killing a patient.
- That was awesome.
Blame Kevin Casey.
I'll give you eight dollars.
Aired 16 years ago - Feb 03, 2004
J.D. tries to break-up with Danni, but she beats him to it when she realizes that she will always be second place to Elliot in his heart.
Dr. Cox suddenly becomes a nice guy and Elliot changes back to her old self after Dr. Kelso criticizes her new look.
likes to put on a big giant beard
and pretend that he is a blacksmith.
Come on, get your pump on.
this is not a broom with fraying edges.
How about I give you a ride
to your next destination?
to meet someone who's willing
to have sex with me.
I'd have to dial 911 in the nude
because my pants would be off.
It'd be awkward at first
but I'd make it work.
It was like hide-and-seek
only we'd throw shingles at each other.
I like to think
that our patients choose our hospital
I've let this whole new look
thing slide the last few months
In this room we have enough brainpower
to light up a city.
What's up doc?
And I assume none of you
have even looked at the literature?
Now does that not just make you sick?
I don't like hurting people.
I'm gonna do the honourable thing.
Drunk friend of the girl
I really wanted to hook up with.
He used to borrow my jersey
and wear it as jammies.
I feel like my life is so scattered.
You're the only good thing I have going.
Elliot, What's wrong?
Only the girl ones.
And, you know, they're all...
Actually, he was passed out
drunk in the yard
It's not like
there's any real ramifications.
Of course you do.
But you don't expect me...
Welcome to Sacred Heart,
home of the world's most giant doctor.
- And I gotta go deal with Danni.
How many times do I have to tell you?
Stop wearing my coat.
Oh, I think it's this one.
Not one resident showed up.
Not one. Would you like to know why?
Happy birthday to you
Elliot, have you been
in the supply closet crying?
Thank you for noticing.
Now there you go, sweetheart.
But you don't care, do you?
Because you're unconscious.
That is so stupid.
Elliot, you look smart.
I know it's a cliché but sailors say
it is the calm before the storm
in a sea of puppy dogs, lollipops
and, let's face it, mediocre metaphors.
And that reminded me of something
that I wanted to remind you of.
And believe me, the next time
one of you perpetual disappointments
After you dressed up Rowdy, did you trim
the clumpy areas around his butt?
Actually, I'm swamped, Danni.
Sorry, I gotta go.
Aired 16 years ago - Jan 22, 2004
Carla and Elliot try to help a patient, Maggie, lose her virginity as she prepares to die.
Walking in on her sister and Dr. Cox prompts Danni to move in with J.D. Dr. Cox attempts to convince Turk to do a kidney transplant for a patient he has
"moved up" the list. But a personal grudge seems to stand in the way and may decide whether the patient lives or dies.
Come on, Turk,
I got two minutes left on my break.
After that, he's gotta wash up,
check the board
Hold that thought.
It's always hard to work
with terminally ill patients.
Maggie, you seem so
at peace with everything.
Oh, boy, do they! I slept with Jenny
Johnson's brother in high school.
I got a story about that too. Not about
me. My mom. She gets Ionely.
Anyway, the point is,
silence is awesome.
- Careful, though, Randall got loose.
Sure. Just bring your own toilet paper.
- You missed the point.
- Three things.
You know what?
I'm glad he was drunk.
I don't disdain you.
It's quite the opposite. I "dain" you.
and you have the humour
of a fourth grader.
Your kidney's healed
enough to release you,
with my policy on patients having sex?
You're all set.
Laverne, my girlfriend's coming.
Would you mind giving her my keys?
She's not moving in permanently.
She's just crashing for a while.
After my divorce, I told Marianna
I'd crash at her place a few weeks.
There'll be toilet paper everywhere.
This is so exciting. The closest
I've ever come to breaking the law
What a rush!
I've never slept with a prostitute
It's too complicated
to explain what it is I do,
I don't mean medical science,
I mean NASA.
Hey, champ, what has two thumbs
and doesn't give a crap?
She was good in The Breakfast Club.
I should rent that again.
Dammit, Perry. That is so not
what you came down here to say.
I love how much you guys
care about your patients.
Now, who haven't I slept with yet?
Excellent work, everyone.
I will hook him up with that chick.
Gosh, I'm sorry,
we're fresh out of those.
so I can't hear anything
that's going on in there.
If you wanna take that liver away
because we're having some personal beef,
It's the hips that fool me.
Aired 16 years ago - Dec 11, 2003
Elliot is feeling uncomfortable using clinical terms for her patient's private parts – a result of a repressed childhood and an accidental orgasm she inflicted on a patient during a pelvic exam - so Carla tries to teach her how to say "vagina" and
"penis" without blushing.
Meanwhile, Dr. Cox crashes at J.D. and Turk's after taking bad advice from J.D. Carla suggests no more sex until the wedding and Turk only comes to terms with it after learning the real meaning of romance from a patient with prostate cancer. Ultimately Carla backs down on her own idea when she has a stressful day at work finally letting people make fun of her.
For reading your chicken-scratch
handwriting. Who is with me?
by some guy in his 30s
who still wears shorts to work.
So, you and Jordan, huh?
You wanna talk about it?
But I feel pretty certain
that we're gonna find something.
You would veto the French Riviera
for our honeymoon
- This guy's sick.
Loose debris can get sucked up
into the air-conditioning vents.
and I won't have to waste a day granting
the wishes of imaginary fishermen.
Another one bites the dust, huh, sport?
It's bad enough you run out on a patient
in the middle of a pelvic exam,
- "Anal" is not a dirty word, sir.
- Tell that to my wife.
Perhaps you should wait
out in the hallway.
This is happening fast. You must have
a lot of emotions swirling around.
It starts every day at five,
I go ahead and dig in
because I do love the lad
and I only have to work
300 or 400 hours a week,
All I wanna do before I restart
this whole glorious cycle is
So, there you are, superstar. Fix that.
You don't wanna end up
like the Randolphs back there,
if we didn't have sex again
until our wedding night.
I'll have sex with you
when you're sleeping.
It's not my fault
dirty stuff makes me uncomfortable.
Jorge, I need to see you
in the potting shed.
But she never fired him, even after he
kidnapped her and took her to Acapulco.
I know what you have to do.
I'm gonna help you through this.
- I'm saying, this is torture.
- Why don't you take care of yourself?
I thought I was the locksmith.
You told her that spending the
day with a baby isn't really a job.
But I'm out, OK? It's 3am,
and there's nothing in the world
I know there's trepidation when you talk
about surgery near the penis.
Sexual dysfunction can be treated with
anything from Viagra to a penis pump.
End of discussion.
I'm not having the surgery.
Let's forget about patients for now
and start with this.
This just isn't fair.
Not fair at all. It's ridiculous.
We Don't Have to Take Our Clothes Off,
the classic anthem to platonic love?
That stuff makes me uncomfortable.
You practically tore him
a new bingle-bore.
If you met Jesus, you'd be trying
to tell him where to park his donkey.
Careful. You better be careful,
cos I'm Carla.
- We're actually saying "black" now.
- I was right, Catherine.
Aired 16 years ago - Dec 04, 2003
Turk is happy that he finally makes it through a solo surgery without the assistance of an attending surgeon.
Dr. Cox dreads the fact that he is getting older.
J.D. also makes a discovery as he finds out that many of the hospital staff don't know the Janitor as he does.
News of Turk's successful surgery
had spread quickly.
Who is the doc that won't cop out
when no attendings are about?
Maybe it's Buddha's way of
telling her to slow down a little.
Miguel doesn't speak English, baby.
Hey, Gandhi. Just because you broke out
your Fisher Price surgery set,
- Are you OK?
- Come on.
Really? I'm 100% not interested.
Or a simple, good-natured
stutterer named Efram.
Why is your Lake Titicaca
not filled with boobs and poop?
Dude, she's got a boyfriend.
I've never had that one, defining,
sink-or-swim moment. Have you?
This is Mr Booker.
He's alive because of me.
So your mom made you
pancakes this morning
Back injuries are for 80-year-olds
named Norman with pants to here,
Your move, there... Norman.
You were probably talking to Carla.
I'm having such a gay day.
What kind of freak spends all day
pretending to be somebody else?
Sweetheart, I'm just
paying you a compliment.
We haven't. Tonight we're doing
it the way you always fantasized about.
If they do, you'll just end up
standing in the corner, watching.
Oh, no, he didn't!
Smelliot, what's the happy-hap?
I guess I just love you so much.
Not the same, Todd.
I thought that would change,
but I've moved on and...
You can't hold that against me.
You were naked.
How's about we skip the insults
and you do something helpful like...
Oh, yeah. I was in a Harrison Ford
movie, but I chose this life instead.
If I had a dollar when I got depressed
and my dad didn't make me feel better...
Kissing her each time except
the third time you were black?
you take Propecia because
you like the way it tastes?
I'm gonna be one of those weird old guys
who brings my son to the park
"He can't even see the little boy.
And now look,
For what it's worth, instead of marrying
a long time ago, I'm marrying a guy
It's OK. Because I couldn't handle
marriage until now.
Aired 16 years ago - Nov 20, 2003
As J.D.'s relationship with Danni progresses, he and Dr. Cox are forced to spend more time together outside of the hospital, to Perry's great chagrin.
Meanwhile, as they each deal with problems in their own relationships, Carla and Elliot work to
find their own balance between their personal and professional relationships.
Dr. Kelso accidentally punctures his eardrums giving the hospital staff an opportunity to tell him how they truly feel about him.
Come on, it reminds me
of my sexiest kiss.
while your lips whisper, "No, no"
but your eyes scream, "Yes! Yes!"
and I never again want to walk
into my kitchen and hear you say,
If you leave it an hour,
it's like milk shake.
A recent study found doctors spend
15 seconds listening to a patient.
I'll be here... if you...
you ventured into his side of the house.
Sir, we've gotten some complaints
I'm just noticing how beautiful
his mother's ring is.
- They're just feelings, they'll heal.
- Don't worry, we're on top of this.
- You don't really puke at carnivals.
- I do. But I still love 'em.
It won't put her to sleep.
A Benzo'll knock her right out.
Well, you have done it.
It's Friday night
How about we head over there and if you
can raise that hammer above your head
The only positive thing
about this whole situation
Nice name, buddy.
Beat up in high school much?
Oh, I gave the guy half a corndog
so we can all ride foursies.
Mrs Koenings stabilized,
so DIC the Posey vest.
You keep a sex-journal of all
your experiences under your bed.
- Carla, I just wanted to apologise.
All medical personnel, report
to the second floor for a catfight.
They also said you mixed Art Deco
with Indonesian antiques.
Hey, baby. Comin' to give Pop-pops
some candy? Cos I'm hungry.
Two weeks ago, a nurse
with 20 years' experience
Outside this hospital,
you're the boss of Elliot.
and how hurt I was by your attempt
to sabotage our relationship."
Great news, Ms Tracy.
We're sending you home.
- I'm a girl, that's original.
- I just want to say,
This place has dynamite lamb.
- I don't like her to be right.
- You're upset about your sister...
You can't take this personally.
Doctors don't listen to anyone.
Well, I hope that it had something
to do with hiring people to kill her?
Aired 16 years ago - Nov 13, 2003
A chance meeting in the elevator sparks a new friendship between J.D. and the mysterious Danni whose ongoing dialogue about her ex forces J.D. to talk about his feelings for Elliot.
Carla's brother Marco comes to visit, but he still hasn't forgiven
Turk for mistaking him for a valet at their mother's funeral. Unfortunately, Turk can't even apologize because Marco can't speak anything but Spanish.
At the hospital, Dr. Cox relishes his new job promotion but is surprised when J.D. doesn't follow his lead in contradicting Dr. Kelso's orders.
If she ate Jack,
she'd throw up right after.
Dr Phil says, "And how
is that working out for you?"
considering my disdain
for... well... all of you.
I'd say now is a pretty good time
for you to scurry on back to work
I think he means me, Angela.
I wonder what I did now.
Sorry, sometimes I have this
inner monologue in my head.
Sir, if I could take this chance
to explain my high mortality rate...?
you'll give each and every one
the same amount of your time.
Miss Barto is 36, septic
and in respiratory failure.
We're going to try
to wean her off of the vent today,
I don't want to hear anything
out of that man's mouth,
Barbie, I would rather listen to you go
on and on about the joys of dolphin sex.
God help him.
I don't mind sitting alone at movies.
But eating alone is sad and pathetic.
He's engaged to be married in two weeks.
But yeah, I think so.
and hope she's so grateful, she'll buy
you a drink and maybe have sex after.
Why don't you play the
game with Marco?
Baby, when we left
the Dominican Republic,
Bob Kelso, that's not true. I told them
to disregard all direct orders from you.
Grandma Dorian or Nana Hobbs? Nana
Hobbs can be an eensy bit racist.
Sir, I don't think that's true.
I said, "Congratulations, I hope you two
stay happy, and size does matter."
Thanks, JD, I'm so tense.
Someone stole my purse.
but I can't understand you.
If the dynamic does change,
it's never as simple as you'd hope.
I'll take care of her
and I'll have my interns help,
I don't think so.
It was strange not doing
what Dr Cox wanted me to do.
Don't... Qué my ass.
Qué my ass.
In opposite world.
- I'm gonna miss you.
- I'm gonna miss you too.
How about you sashay over here,
push those bangs out of your face,
Doug, I have underwear in my butt.
calling me Bobbo, shaving my genitals
when I pass out at the Christmas party.
No. It's because eventually they start
questioning the gospel according to Cox
Oh, really? I wanted to apologise
for the way I've been acting,
JD. Miss Barto's
No. Well, yes.
But I'm honestly trying to tell you
gives us the juice to keep pluggin'
along in games that we know, deep down,
Aired 16 years ago - Nov 06, 2003
Dan decides to stay with J.D. for a while after their mom's new fiancé kicks him out, but after spending some quality time with him at the hospital, Dan isn't sure if he likes the cynical person his little brother has become.
Elliot tries to deal
with her own problems of a long distance relationship and decides to try moonlighting as a pet examiner with Carla to save up money.
Your nipples. Nipples, Sean.
I'm licking your nipples.
I did not just drop
a toothbrush in the toilet.
Like when I came down
to see you guys in med school.
Make sure you're dry, otherwise you get
a "tongue on the flagpole" situation.
You were only born
cos Mom bounced a cheque.
Not as cute as you think.
But if he were to make a mistake here
because of how tired he was,
but he gets to run around in my backyard
wearing a foam suit
- Free clinic.
He's got a new bumper-pool table.
For you, that would be the 17-year-old
that tells you to fill all the ketchups.
no way Jose, no chance Lance,
Have fun, cos you'll never
see the girls again.
An old person that takes up a room and
doesn't have the common decency to die.
Dammit. Can't we just put a pillow over
his head and put him out of his misery?
How long has my little brother
had the desire to smother old people?
but if I ever do need to find out
how to make a top-notch rum and coke,
Well, well, well.
I'm worried about you. Hanging
with you today and watching you work,
But you never came through
for me once, did you?
and you wanna tell me
what kind of person to be?
- How are your chocolate chip flapjacks?
Coffee's kicking in.
Back in four minutes.
You saw nothing.
Why aren't you apologising
to your brother before he leaves?
who's yelling at the TV,
which is the microwave.
But we kiss and we hug and we apologise
for all the things we said,
You're home now.
Sir, about Nurse Espinoza
and Dr Reid's suspensions,
- He's definitely smarter than you.
- Sir, I don't think...
Baxter, left foot.
Those are definitely broken.
Why did you do that?
And with an open fly, no less.
Made you look. A twofer.
I know. I have dreams where I staple
your fingers to your face.
we're understaffed and underpaid,
and not in any kind of crazy
or rambling sort of way,
Get out of my office
before I change my mind.
Tonight I want you
to put on a nice dress.
That was beautiful, sir.
Aired 16 years ago - Oct 30, 2003
Sean is a bit surprised and disturbed to learn about Elliot and J.D.'s history together, but it turns out his anger is really a cover up for his upcoming six month long trip and he doesn't want Elliot to explode.
Dr. Cox. is forced to swallow his
pride and actually ask for help when he decides to throw his hat in the ring for the Residency Director position at the hospital.
Carla picks up an extra shift as a surgical nurse, which allows her to spend the day working alongside with Turk, to his great annoyance.
I used to date that girl.
I've gotta stop this. Kick him.
- We were thinking...
- I've got a riddle for you.
Patient transferred to recovery room
awake and stable. Hey, baby.
JD and I slept together.
It's not that big a deal.
I think Turk
is a little more mature than that.
But if you did that, you'd be taking
a positive step in your life.
- So just promise me.
- Fine. No help.
- I got it.
- Yes, JD and I work together.
or I couldn't impersonate
your Aunt Sally.
Come on. Two coins.
30 cents. No nickels.
That's what he wants us to do.
But right now I'm going after
that residency-director gig
- Scalpel what?
I make Turk wax his chest
so he doesn't give me a rash.
He met my Great Aunt Sally
and my demented great uncle,
You know when you have
bad news to give to someone,
- Six months.
- Five days?
What's the thread count
on those bad boys?
Just yesterday morning, I somehow
managed to hack into your voicemail
Why don't I tell you after the beep?
Relationships can be tricky, especially
the ones that have barely begun.
I'm gonna scrub my hands
and do the scrub-my-hands dance.
because I was so amazing yesterday,
and I realised you're the reason why.
- Exactly. Thank you.
- I didn't hear an apology in there.
Pain. Or how you've decided
that me making eye contact with you
I am now.
You sign below where it says,
"He makes me proud to be a doctor"
He didn't apologise, so back the hell
off. He messes up and I'm the one...
Life's too short not to go for it with
Elliot. Sean's out of the picture.
I wish I could make sense out of this.
30 cents, to be exact. Damn riddle.
No. I just need to talk to my...
Look, the point is, I'm not ready
for this relationship to end.
A penny and 1972 dime
with a Roosevelt imperfection,
You honestly think the board would
pick him because you had his love baby?
and tell Elliot how I feel,
I can't, I have to work tonight.
Doctors Leeve and Winnerback,
please report to the ER.
- What the hell?
- It's a riddle.
Aired 16 years ago - Oct 23, 2003
Finding difficulties training his interns, J.D. asks to Elliot for some help. She tells J.D. about Sean, who gave Elliot great tips based on his dolphin training that fit perfectly for her interns.
Dr. Cox finds the ideal pediatrician for his son:
Dr. Norris, who acts and looks just like him. However, Dr. Cox is quick to find a problem with him once Jack develops a cough that scares both him and Jordan.
But it is crucial I have everyone here
at 9am sharp tomorrow.
Actually, sir, we rock. So, feel free
to sit back and enjoy the show.
I'll need that
to turn your next 12 paycheques
Hello. Gotta take it.
which is why, by the way,
you'll be answering when he asks
If you could spread the word to leave
that to me and my guys, it'd be great.
- You did it for me both times.
- Jimmy, didn't you do one yesterday?
OK, tough guy. Goodnight.
Even though my interns sucked,
I decided to turn it into a positive.
Jack here's got a cough.
If you ever interrupt an exam again,
I will shove my stethoscope up your...
It's a really persistent cough.
What do you say?
Hello, David. I've been expecting you.
Where's Mr Cookiepants?
No, David. It's a collectible.
I can't get over that hump yet.
but ignore the voice in your head.
Watch your language in front of the kid,
you stupid mickey-fickey.
You do what's best for your son,
It still burns a little,
but at least I can hear OK.
you're just a breakdown away
from being the same person.
- I have a lot of things to do, but...
- Can I offer constructive criticism?
I had the same problem
with the dolphins...
Unfortunately for me,
my interns aren't mammals.
I don't have a problem with you.
I just can't resist a storm-off.
Can you believe what Sean was saying?
- I'd like to think so.
- Out of my way, space-waster.
And have it for the kids.
- You're in the top five.
- Thank you.
You're worse than every parent who
freaks out when their kid eats Play-Doh.
- She hates dolls.
- That's a bummer.
Know what? You're right.
Is that how you feel, future dentist?
Aired 16 years ago - Oct 09, 2003
J.D. is feeling left out of his friendship with Turk and gets hurt when Turk is scared of opening up to him.
Meanwhile, Carla is driven crazy over an unidentified urine sample, and Elliot tries to balance Sean and her career, so that one doesn't end up getting in the way of the other.
between choosing centre pieces
It's gonna be harder for us to hang out.
We're gonna get some dinner,
a nice bottle of wine.
Because, Bruce, then she would think
I was crazy, that's why.
Well, all right. Why is everything
so much easier with dolphins?
Do you think the New Elliot
would like to go to dinner tonight?
Laverne, by this afternoon we're
gonna find out whose urine this is.
Please, put down the cup of urine.
In med school everyone was like,
"When are Turk and J.D. Getting here?"
The reminiscing, the way your breath
always smelled of curry.
I was a cougar.
It makes you look like a prostitute
who caters exclusively to clowns.
He needs a lumbar puncture
I cannot miss this dinner.
But if you have a moment between dinner
and giving it away for free,
if it weren't for all these sick people,
It's not any of my business,
but I think I know whose whiz that is.
You got any more funny jokes
you gotta tell me?
Sometimes you fight them not because
you want to but because you have to.
If you're lucky, there's no battle,
everything works out perfectly.
Excuse me for a second, fellas. I'm
gonna go tell that girl my name's Beer.
I didn't know what to say to him.
Thanks for twisting my arm.
Hey, do you think gay dudes
get turned on by their own wieners?
This whole you leaving the room whenever
I enter it thing that you're doing is...
- That would make you gay.
- I am gay.
I know that last night
didn't go exactly as we planned it,
Now, either do the job we pay you for
or I'll find someone else who will.
Oh, my God.
The janitor's afraid of Carla.
I always make him feel like an idiot.
- What are you afraid of?
- Hey, guys. This is my fiancé, Tracy.
who told me that my son
rolled over for the first time.
You might wanna write this down,
because here comes the inside scoop:
You're not that comfortable
with the man-on-man action, are you?
I don't love the idea
of kissing anyone with a moustache.
I don't know what it is. That's just
the way I've been my whole life.
so I went and searched through,
like, 40 bags of garbage
you didn't stumble across
your own testicles, did you?
Aired 16 years ago - Oct 02, 2003
A run-in with her old flame Sean and an accident in her new car lead Elliot to the realization that nothing good has happened to her in the three years that she has been at Sacred Heart. This realization drives her to take drastic measures,
including a complete makeover, both inside and out, in an attempt to change her luck.
Meanwhile, J.D. gets stuck with a patient, whose diagnosis he can't quite pin down, and when Dr. Cox denies him any assistance, he looks to Carla and Turk to help him out. While Dr. Cox is busy not helping J.D., he takes the time to make amends with Dr. Kelso.
That's a Code 2.
I cannot figure out what's wrong.
I gotta go ask Cox.
If you're wondering
why Dr Kelso's nose is squeaking,
and do the annual inmates' physicals.
This whole "Dr Cox riding into
the rescue" part of the show is over.
He took it as bad news, maybe cos
of the unnecessary colonoscope
I got you pegged
as one of those spineless types
So, you're engaged
to that surgeon guy?
makes those ass cheeks
clench up so tight
My son was recently kicked out
of his Hare Krishna sect
You guys know that unbelievably
handsome new anaesthesiologist?
How could someone with all of this
be jealous of any of that?
- Who wants a smoothie.
- Peach Fizzle.
In a hospital, you can never try
to get anything done Friday after 5pm.
Have a good weekend, Steven.
who, it turns out,
already has a wife in the Philippines.
- You got sick on my face.
- That wasn't the smoothies.
I've been waiting for someone
to come along, and here you are.
She's a doctor. She's gotta have it
a little bit together, right?
I wasn't gonna let my baby be here
all alone with all sorts of guys
To figure out what's wrong, we need
to get a whole bunch of tests done.
No, you certainly may not.
and then all three of us will deal
with the abdominal CAT scan.
Yeah. But if it makes you feel better,
it's also because you're very white.
Your lady's about 40 people down
on the list, and there are no cutsies.
- How cool is that?
- So cool, let's never tell anyone ever.
So, Mitchell, I guess I was just hoping
I'll see you in the patient's room.
I always wanted to be
the father of a tiny gay sailor.
Look, Gwyneth, you're old enough now
to hear this from me.
while my heart is breaking inside.
What are you doing in here?
I'm just gonna replace
these urinal cakes and then I'll go.
But I will tell you something that my
grandmother told me when I was a kid.
Neither did my brother-dad.
- These are my machines.
Even if it did actually feel so damn
good I changed my pants afterwards.
Listen up, ace. You will always be
a royal pain in my ass.
So you're just gonna roll over
and give up like you always do?