Aired 17 years ago - Jan 12, 2000
The children of South Park are practicing "My Country 'Tis of Thee" for the "4 Million Child Blow," sponsored by Yoko Ono. Mr. Garrison doesn't want to go because his father still lives there. At the concert Stan and Kyle try to figure out a way to
"out cool" the kids from New York. Cartman tries to find "the brown noise" and is successful. Stan and Kyle plan against the kids from New York but their scheme goes much too far.
It's this one pitch, this certain frequency,
that makes people loose bowel control!
That's nice! When I find it,
I'll just make you crap yourself
so you switch
personalities to Mr. Hat! M'kay!?
WHAT DID YOU SAY?!
- What school are you from?
- We're from South Park, Colorado!
You a freakin' burn
victim or something?! What?
Oh, brother! You guys don't
even know what a queef is?
I told y'guys! Here it is,
right here! The Brown Noise!
No! I don't think that will
solve any of our problems,
I have to know why! Right here and
now! We're gonna talk about this!
Let's make up our own word! We can
make up a word and then use it,
You know what you guys are?!
You guys are nothing but mung!
C'mon, guys! Let's get
away from these rednecks
I have some things I really
need to talk to you about!
No! No! If I knew,
I would've made him do it!
No! I didn't know!
I'm not listening!
Remember, if you get lost, just
follow along with Mr. Kenny G here!
STOP! STOP IT! YAMEKIN
YODEBA PIECE YOU GOT THERE!
Uh, my name is Mr. Mackey!
I'm your school councilor! M'kay?
A LITTLE?! Yeah! He thinks if I don't
molest him, it means I don't love him!
but I'm afraid this problem has run very
deep through Mr. Garrison's mental state!
Well, I won't have sex with 'im!
- Well, I've said all I can say!
Am I the only sane
person left on earth?!
- I WANNA DIE!
That they should bring back Chicago
Hope for another season? Totally!
Well, c'mon! Tell us about it! We always
help each other out! Don't we, fellas?
Would you have sex with
your son to save his life?
No, no, wait! Uh,
you don't understand!
Well personally, I would have sex with
my son to save my mother's life!
If a killer put a knife
to my throat and said:
Now, all we do is wipe out the
last note on their sheet music
Chip! Did you get revised
music for tomorrow?!
Don't stop, dad! Stop!
Wow! Oh, how could you?!
and try to be a
normal family again!
One, two, sie, pizza!
Aired 17 years ago - Dec 29, 1999
Cartman is convinced he is going through puberty since he started bleeding out of his ass. Dr. Mephisto gives Stan some hormones and he takes the entire bottle. Stan gets facial hair, boobs and his voice starts changing. People are waiting outside
of Jesus' home to see what kind of miracle he offers which ends up involving a comeback performance of a very old Rod Stewart and eventually an appearance by God.
So, what happens at the millenium?
- Is that good?!
- I don't know!
"Offers complete protection
during heavy flow".
We can hang out
together on New Year's Eve!
Well, the way I see, if he
really is who he says he is,
Father, everyone is starting to pay attention
to me again because of the new millenium!
Be ye careful of pride, Jesus!
- Just make an appearance!
Ike, I don't know what to do! All
the guys are getting their periods
Yeah! I could just SAY I got my
period! It's not like they'll check!
Tampon?! What's a tampon?!
Awesome! We get powers?!
I don't wanna be the only kid who doesn't
get his period before the new year!
For whatever reason, people
are starting to follow me again!
Good morning, South Park! It's 8 AM and
only 2 more days until the new millenium!
Are you there, God! It's me! Stan!
How come you didn't help me?
I've given it much thought,
my children, and you were right!
we just got Rod Stewart to agree to
play a COME-BACK CONCERT AT THE
For he is Saviour!
- I'm here!
Yeah! I agree! I think that Craig is cooler
than Clyde, and Clyde is a dirty dumb fuck!
Okay! That makes sense! Mine's
going swimmingly too! - Mine too!
because everyone else the same age has
gotten their period and this person hasn't!
I think it might clear
things up for you! - Okay!
And that's my song about the menstral
cycle! Stan, did that clear things up for you?
only periodless eight-year-old boy!
I'm gonna do something about it!
for I am the lamb of God!
The folks are sure glad you're playing! It's
really given them a lot of faith in me again!
Again?! Now, Mr. Stewart, what did we
say about trying to hold in Mr. Dookie?
Nobody! I mean,
uh, well, my dad!
Yes! Here! Tell you father to take
just one of these pills every week!
So what're we gonna
do for New Year's?
We just didn't get to him in time!
There's nothing we could do!
because they've seen the Backstreet
Boys doing it on TV or something!
THE New Year's Eve
event is going to happen!
Of course, he is! This is Jesus we're
talking about! He wouldn't let us down!
Hey, Las Vegas is a pretty cool
place for us mature people!
- Alright! Enough of this!
Bring out God! - Yeah!
He doesn't hate YOU! He hates ME!
He's gonna let me be crucified again!
If God answered all our prayers, there'd
be nothing left for us to do ourselves!
Aired 17 years ago - Dec 01, 1999
Mr. Hankey introduces 10 musical segments highlighting songs the on the CD "Mr. Hankey's Christmas Classics." The boys and all of the other South Park characters sing their own songs for the Holidays and realize that Christmas is all about the presents.
Jews play stupid games! Jews!
That's why they're lame!
I'll try to make it spin!
It fell! I'll try again!
always win! Keep spinning!
Learn to make the dreidel spin!
And when it's dry and ready,
with dreidel, I shall EVERYBODY!
Courtney Cox, I love you!
You're so hot on that show!
Hold on to your boot straps,
'cause we're gonna descend down into Hell!
Oh, tannenbaum! Oh, tannenbaum!
Die teil chi hein blatter!
Too groo chnid doo noot zamadine!
Die knack umvie teri neshenstein!
Oh, Satan! Tu tannenbaum die
teil chi hein blatter!
String up the lights
and light up the tree!
It's Christmas time in hell!
Here's a rack to hang
the stockings on!
For wone day we all stop burning,
and the flames are not so thick!
Wake his mother and ring the bell!
It's Christmas time! Christmas time!
It's Christmas time in hell!
Bringing good cheer to young and old!
On do they sing, on without end!
Their joyful toungue to every home!
birth of Jesus! So now, here's a
And ... O holy night! The stars are
The, something, something, descend!
Jesus was born and so I get presents!
Thank you, Jesus, for being born!
Fall on your knees and hear
the angels, something!
O night divine!
O night, o night divine!
O night divine!
O night, o night divine!
Now, pay attention! Ahem!
There is no holiday season in India,
Hey there, Mr. Hinduist,
Merry Fuckin' Christmas!
They pray to several gods and put
needles in their skin!
In case you haven't noticed, there's
festive things to do!
Merry Fuckin' Christmas to you!
Uh, thank you, Mr. Hat!
I saw three ships come sailing in,
on Christmas day, on Christmas day!
was in those ships all three,
on Christmas day in the morning!
I told you to shut up!
Now, please put your hands together and
welcome Saint Nicholaus and Jesus Christ!
Joy to the world, for I have come!
Let Earth receive...me!
...and heaven and heaven
and nature sing!
Ho, ho, ho! Who wouldn't go!
Ho, ho, ho! Who wouldn't go!
That's where cute little ol' me-e lay
down my sweet head!
Holy me-e-e, tender and mild!
Sleep in heavenly peace!
I know, but there's like three
hundred Jesus Christmas songs
...But the fire is so delightful!
Let it snow! Let it snow!
Let it snow! The fire is slowly dying!
Aired 17 years ago - Nov 24, 1999
South Park's Civil War reenactment, sponsored by "Jagerminz S'More Flavored Schnapps," gets out of hand. Cartman persuades the drunken lot to defeat the northerners so that he can win a bet with Kyle and Stan that will make them his slaves for one month.
so how 'bout if the south wins, you two
assholes have to be my slaves for a month!
The Union army had to get the bell
on Aplomaticstown from Temrock Hill!
- Hey! He took the bell!
- He can't do that!
but we have to let the Union
army capture the bell this time!
We take that hill, and when we stand tall
upon it, we hold our heads high and we yell:
and for 22 years, this Confederate
re-enactors have had to spend
Alright, folks! Sorry for the false
start! We're ready to go again!
Goddammit! What the hell are they doing?!
Surrender your men, General!
win the war, and the south still
didn't win the war, dipshit!
That ain't true! The Confederates
would've whooped ass in Topeka too!
You know what?! I'll bet we could take
Topeka right now and prove 'em all wrong!
Men! It's time to show the world
what this Confederate army has got!
Oh, what was our bet again?! Let's see!
I'm afraid I was grading
papers pretty late and...
Alright, yank! Tell us where you keep
your Yaggerman S'more Flavoured Schnapps!
At Topeka, we're raisin'
all kinds of hell, see! Heh!
We're taking Topeka and now I must
rally the men onward to Mossourah,
- That would suck so much ass!
- We have to stop him, dude!
is making its way across the
southern states of America!
Gonna need s'more s'mores
schnapps! I'm gonna be sick!
Well, I'm joinin' them! Those blanks hurt!
Hey, there's s'more schnapps! Over here!
I know how! But, we'll
have to wait until dark!
and although your son appears
to be the only casualty of war,
Ha! Splendid! Then to
Fort Supture we shall go!
- We're out of s'mores schnapps?!
- That can't be!
Where am I?
We can't go home! We
have to take Fort Supture!
You see, history is forever, and
everything happens for a reason!
Yes, please! Two shots out of my breasts!
Hey! That sounds fine!
to drive out the Union
occupents of Supture peacefully,
and one day, you look out and see thousands
of confederates ready to pounce on ya!
Surrender the logement with your hands up!
No! You can't do that!
Our dads are in there!
so that we may enter into a
new millenium of prosperitah!
Aired 17 years ago - Nov 17, 1999
Starvin' Marvin finds an alien ship and begins searching out a new home for his people. The government interrogates the boys to find out about Marvin and direct them to Sally Struthers. Marvin stops in South Park to pick up the boys and take them to
the planet Marklar. The Marklarians are willing to let the Ethiopians relocate to their world and the Christian channel does all they can to stop them.
Cyborg Bill hasn't been cool for a long time, Kyle!
revealed until all Chinpokomon are collected by a Royal Crown Chinpokomaster!
Yeah, but Cyborg Bill is totally gay now!
because I'm an individual!"!
Do you understand?!
There you go, son! I honestly don't know what you see in these things!
Down with America!
Yeah, dude! Don't you know?!
It's all about the Chinpokomon video game now!
I've got to buy them all!
So first, I'd better go to Hawaii and visit Pearl Harbor!
with these dolls talking about bringing down American government doll!
But, you Americans!
Wow! Penis so big! SO BIG PENIS!
Well, it certainly was nice meeting you folk!
You are loosing the battle of your life!
Well, it's not like it's vulgar or violent!
Get with the program, pal!
You just wait 'til I get to that Chinpokomon Camp!
I'm gonna be the toughest master of them all!
nly one more day 'til the Chinpokomon Camp!
Well, I'm letting Eric go to the camp!
Sure! Aparently, they've been doing these camps in every city...
This is Chinpokomon Camp!
the United States Government!
Now, it is a great honour to present...
It is again time for the rising sun to ship tall in the sky!
- Tchu hadchi is eighteen, Garison san!
- For the last time, my name is not Garison san!
I tell you, Mayor! These Japaneese are trying to change our American children somehow!
We are Japan toy company are in all of your large penis!
What can we possibly do with such small penis?!
Penis so small!
- But I think we've already found a solution!
- You have?!
We're going to show you a couple of commercials and you tell us which toy interests you the most!
Gonna try riding all day long,
He bowls and drinks!
He drinks and bowls! Alabama Man!
I though I told you to shut up!
Can't you see what's happening?!
They're just using that talk to distract you!
I know how to get our kids to stop liking Chinpokomon!
The new Japaneese Empiror Hirohito
which he assured me was nearly microscopic in size.
Aired 17 years ago - Nov 10, 1999
Mrs. Cartman is about to give Eric a present. Of course Eric is hoping it will be some kind of toy, but it ends up being Hooked On Monkey Fonics to help him win the big South Park Annual Spelling Bee. Kyle finds Rebecca Cutswald to be quite intriguing and tries to woo her with his charm and teach her how to love and learn in public school.
And so, children, that's why
Hare Krishnas are totally gay!
Hey! That was Kyle that
went number two in urinal!
- Relax, boys! We just need to
talk with you! - I told you, fatass!
Alright, children! We just need to know
one thing! Do you know this person?!
But they're just kids!
We can't torture them!
I'm one with the birds
and magic is all I see!
Wait! It's not a gun!
It's a piece of paper!
In fact, there's a mission right over
there that will take all your people in!
Who is this person?!
Where can we find her?! - I know
exactly where Sally Struthers is!
I'm warning you, Bill! Sally
Struthers is a bit heavy!
- I think he wants us to get in!
This is great!
From now on, you are Michael!
Oh, my God! What
the hell is that thing?!
I am Marklar,
leader of the Marklar!
Well, there is a lot
of room on Marklar!
Your son Marvin has a ship that we
want! How can we get it from him?!
A beautiful lush
place called Marklar!
You'll do nothing of the kind!
You know, Susan, there, there's so
many great missionaries doing work
One of our missionaries in North
Africa has made an amazing discovery!
What we need, Susan, is we need
money to build an Interstellar Cruiser!
Uh, excuse me, gentlemen! Uh,
Tom Brokaw is here to see you!
seeing as though I am pulitzer
prize winning Tom Brokaw!
Sauring so high
above the world!
You see, an Argon Crystal Laser
can pierce thick space holes
We need to use use your
ship to catch those boys!
and build more advanced deflector
shields for our galactic cruiser!
You started the Feed the Children
Foundation for wonderful reasons!
Miss Struthers! You
helped so many people,
- She bought it!
- Sally Struthers is saving us!
So we're gonna need an
Ionic Tractor Disruptor!
Aired 17 years ago - Nov 03, 1999
The kids of South Park discover Chinpokomon, Japan's #1 cool toy to own! Wanting to avoid being losers, they persuade their parents to buy them the toys only to discover that the Chinpokomon are designed to brainwash them into bombing Pearl Harbor. The parents band together to stop Japan and save America!
Mary's analysis of the spread
sheet was conscientious!
Here's your word: "Chair"!
- Eric, your word is "Chair"!
- Uh, definition?!
GET OVER HERE, YOU SON OF
A BITCH FONICS MONKEY!
Litoral! Will you please
use it in a sentence?!
Now, we have Kyle Broflovski!
- You shut up, gay wad!
- You shut up, ass logger!
Dude, what a bunch
of freakin' nerdos!
Mark, you have play time! You
get to play in the afternoons!
You don't wanna go to public
school too! Do you, Rebecca?!
Oh! Well, I suppose so! Rebecca!
This little boy wants to see you!
Alright, children! Let's just try to
pretend there isn't a little boy in a huge
And therefore, your
questions is a sharad!
I do not need to sit here and be ridiculed!
I'm gonna go be homeschooled from now on!
Oh, boy! Sorry, dude!
You're on your own!
Well, if we're gonna
let him go back,
So wha'd'you say we get together?!
You really are quite good lookin'! Rebecca!
I think it would be appropriate
for you to talk with your sons
I would like you
to tell him to stop!
Uh, you want a beer
or somethin', Cats-Wild?!
Attention, students! Don't
forget that this friday night
Yeah, dude! But guys just do that!
We rip on each other and stuff!
Yeah! I wonder how Cartman's
doing with his homeschooling!
Oh! Uh, Rebecca! There's this dance!
See?! At the school! And, um...
- Well, alright! You can go, but I'll
be there to supervise! - Alright!
Uh, alright, Rebecca! But, it's
time to start your homeschooling!
No, no! I mean... go with me! - Oh,
I'm sure father will give me a ride!
Isn't papa's garden beautiful?!
He works so hard on it!
Don't you want to go out?! All you
do is stay in your house and study!
When it is time to increase the heard
my provider will select one for me!
- How do we do it?!
- I'm not completely sure!
Alright! Here's the plan! Tomorrow night
at the dance, when none of the
Alright! Here's the plan! All we gotta do is
volunteer to chaparone the dance tomorrow!
This year, we have a very
special guest performing
Uh, uh! Sure! Uh, I guess!
Aired 17 years ago - Oct 27, 1999
Korn comes to South Park for a Halloween gig and learns of the boys problems with the 5th graders at South Park Elementary. Korn agrees to help the boys get revenge on the mean 5th graders all in a spooky Scooby Doo rip off!
We could get a big scary plastic spider,
and dangle it in front of them on a string
- Are you sure we're goin'
the right way? - I don't know.
something that begins
with the letter R.
Mom, mom! You wanna see
what I want for Christmas?
He must have a huge
bone in his ass, then.
To be really scary,
it would have to be real.
scare the fifth graders, then put her
back before anyone notices she's gone.
Cartman, will you stop
singing Christmas carols?
- Whoa, dude.
- Oh, my God.
We could shove a stick up her
ass and use her like a puppet!
I was really scared
there, for a second.
road by some super-spooky
I think your music and
Halloweenn is an abomination!
Oh, come on, Kenny! You never
have a sweet costume!
Dug her up? Why?
and made love to the
empty sockets as well.
leaving her to look something like an over
loved hunk of Swiss cheese. She probably...
so as not to allow
Maybe I can see what it is.
I'll just open one little corner.
It's Halloween day, so come on down
to the docks and bring your costumes!
"Oh Mother, Antonio Banderas life-sized
blow-up doll! What a surprise!"
- Uuh, problem, guys.
- What's the problem?
digging up bodies to have
sex with them. Gentlemen?
Yes, we know it's horrible. It's
probably best you not look at it.
Noo! Don't go to the docks!
Oh, hey! The kids from last night.
but then, something
took her body away.
but a ghost pirate is a ghost that later
made a conscious decision to be a pirate.
Don't you see? This is exactly what
those ghost pirates want us to do.
I hate to say it, but I think Priest
Maxi was right. This is what we get
their potential to overcome
those obstacles go that way.
Oh, no! I lost my glasses.
If anything happens to it, my
mom will know I opened it early!
Fieldy, what are you doing?!
When they hit the super-slippery floor,
they'll slide onto this mining cart,
Yeah. And now let's see who
these pirate ghosts really are!
No! Arrest him!
Aired 18 years ago - Jul 28, 1999
Kyle invites Kenny to join him at Jewbilee, a Boy Scout-like gathering for Jewish kids. His parents are going to attend Mr. Mackey's party. At camp, Ike is sent to join the little group called "Squirts." Kyle and Kenny, join the scouts, where they
concentrate on soap sculptures. This art is key to the Jewish elders celebration of Moses however, Moses identifies Kenny as not being Jewish and Kenny is banished from the camp.
We'll be back to pick you up after
the meteor shower party, boys!
I gotta spend all night
Alright! Get to Mashugana Hall!
The meeting is already starting!
on this night of Jewbilee,
we all pray to Moses as one!
I don't believe I've heard of the
Anti-Semetic sect of Judaism before!
Because that's what Squirts
do! Now, shut your pie hole!
and a dull knife! And you can make
nifty soap sculptures like these!
All new inductees raise your hands!
You don't make a macaroni picture of
the last supper at a Jewish camp!
Then I'll get my
Hudhpa badge for sure!
We should use it to pray to Haymen
and enter into a new millenium phase!
But your synagogue of
Anti-Semites is too strange!
for their petty lives but can't having
recently been turned into dust and all!
That's fuckin' stupid!
- It is not stupid, Kenny!
fill our ears and our
We are Squirts! We are Squirts!
We're so kosher that it hurts!
Just close enough to throw
the net on the stupid bear!
Oh, the bear took a squirt!
Oh, I'm gonna get it now!
It's a duck!
Moses, the Squirts have made
you tidings of macaroni pictures.
Okay! Raise the tray!
Uh, anything else you want from
us, o great leader of the people?
A Non-Jew has impultrated Jew Scouts
and looked upon the face of Moses.
He's reading from
the book of Haymen!
- Release Moses now!
- I don't think so!
Hold it, Squirts! This is
where we'll set our trap!
and we can spend the rest of the
night making bear sandwiches!
You wanna kill all the squirts?!
You can have them! I give up!
Get the keys and unlock the door!
Moses is trapped for all eternity
in the cock of blind faith!
"Upon these words, let
your spirit come. Inek! Foas".
Aired 18 years ago - Jul 21, 1999
Stan's parents bring him to Mr. Mackey's party, but he gets sent down to the basement to be with the lame kids. Kyle and Stan's fathers experiment with their homosexual tendencies. The ATF is convinced that the meteor shower party is actually a
gathering of a religious cult that is going to commit suicide when the meteor shower arrives. Stan tries to save himself and the party from the ATF.
I've never been to England, buuuut I
bet the people there are real nice!
No! I gedda be Jaqueline Smith!
See, I thought of Charlie's Angles!
Here it is! I just had the
hot tub put in last week!
Oh, dear! We're Charlies Angels
but we don't have a mission!
- What do I have to do? - You just
godda tell us what our mission is!
Which Angel am I again?
That's why I'm gonna smoke this cigar!
Only 'cause I've never smoked before!
Oh, no, no! My name is Sabrina Duncan!
Remember! We're playing Charlie's Angles!
Upstairs? Why, there's ain't
nothin upstairs but adults!
- With two girls or two guys?
- Well, two girls, of course!
Well, I never really wanted to
experiment with anything too crazy!
Okay! So just what is
going on here, people?
Uh, don't worry!
We won't let that happen!
We've tried calling, but there's no answer!
I think we're gonna have to move in, sir!
Hey! I love mai tais!
Well, lets get back into the party
and see what everybody's doing!
Great party, Mr. Mackey!
Thank you so much!
What? - Do not move or
we will forced to shoot...
Well, that's true! But Elway was the
heart of the team! Who's the leader now?
- Where is he?!
- Oh, he lives in... like... Florida!
So I walked into Mr. Mackey's bedroom,
uh, and sure enough! Here it was!
Oh, dear! We've
The ATF had no choice but
to shoot the insane couple.
Oh, my God! Dude! That's this house! They
think our parents are the religious cult!
Yes! Come on, Angles! Looks
like we have a new mission!
I know it's ridiculous, but can't help
feeling like people here know!
Well, of course, I thought
it would be implied!
If you don't get outside right now, and
tell those army guys you're not a
Go back inside and tell everyone
that they are surrounded!
- Oh! Is he?
- Hey! Talk to me!
I have to make love
to you right now!
They ain't gonna stop until we're all
dead, I betcha! House and all our family!
They are refusing to come out and
apparently, they still plan to commit
Oh, sweet Joseph, husband of Mary,
but not father of sweet Jesus!
Well... wait! Mary,
wife of... Hold on!
Now, what do we do? - Now, we find a way
to get this tape out to the real reporters!
Alright! I'm through trying to reason
with them! Send in the negotiator!
You see it? You see it?
I'm not gonna let you
change on me, Randy!
Go back inside and tell the others that
they now have one minute to surrender!
I was Audrey Class,
Esquire! Scrap Archer!
- Honey? - God! Everybody's
looking at me!
Aired 18 years ago - Jul 14, 1999
Shelly Marsh is babysitting Cartman. Shelly invites her boyfriend over and he in turn invites his band. Cartman has to prove that Shelly has violated the rules. Meanwhile, the Cartman's cat is in heat, searches for a good time and invites all the cats in the neighborhood back to the empty Cartman house for an orgy.
You can't hit me! Didn't you
see those ninety videos on tv?
I can't reach
having her boyfriend come over,
then we'll see who's the turd.
Hey! I need to use the phone!
And now, back to the
movie of the week. Aliens.
You're a turd! You're the
turd man of Alcatraz!
Quickly and suddenly,
the male is finished.
No, Styler! Quit it!
- Beat it, chubby!
- Go on, astro turd!
I am not gonna be bossed
around by a chick!
Demons from hell
seek the chosen one!
When I make it to the big time,
I'm gonna take you shopping
That's pleanty of time for me to
make a turd sandwich out of you!
so that she can come
home and and save me.
Ha, ha! That was a turd trick!
You're Mom isn't really dead!
and that's why I wrote a letter to the
press to be opened in case of my demise!
Now that we're together, I'm
absolutely sure that she's Shelly! Shelly!
I pledge alligance... to the
flag... of the United States...
Yeah, Dude! That was hot!
This guitar rocks, Man!
No, Styler! I'm embarrassed!
So much pain in the world today!
in a world that's full of turds!
Not really, hon! Mom has to go now!
I'll be home in about an hour!
- Dude, this is gay!
- Shut up!
They mostly only come
every few years! Mostly!
somebody that's family,
You mean it? - But, don't
bug me and Styler! C'mon!
Yes, yes! What a beautiful night!
It is Saturday the twelveth at 10:45
Screw you, prude bitch! Me and my
bad ass guitar are going home! Hasta!
I can't believe I
trusted him! I'm so stupid!
You're right! He is a scumbag! I wish I
can get him back! I just don't know how!
Over here! Please!
Aired 18 years ago - Jul 07, 1999
Sexual Harassment Panda visits Mr. Garrison's class. Cartman sues Stan for sexual harassment and Kyle's dad is getting rich. The boys go in search of "Sexual Harassment Panda" to stop the insanity. They find him at "The Island of Misfit Mascots Commune" and convince him to change his cause. He becomes Petey, the "don't sue people" Panda.
What?! Cartman you call
people names all the time!
Alright!! We did it!
you can choose between the green
choo-choo or the squishy football.
I think we can get a lot more out
of this than half of Stan's belongings.
Of course! And so does Mr. Hat! We
do not tollerate sexual harrassment!
Principal Victoria, were you aware that my
client was being harrassed at your school?
Last, I'd like to bring up my expert
witness, Sexual Harrassment Panda!
that IS sexual harrassment.
- And who's to blame?
- Alright! We did it, Eric!
- Get down!
Well, Kyle, schools
have lots of money.
You see, Cartman?!
You see what this is done?!
A butt... face?
Kyle's Dad got me 1.4 million,
and he can do it for you too!
isn't the first way to explain
sexual harrassment to children.
I'm a saaaaad panda!
Okay, children, let's all take our
seats. We have a lot to learn today.
Now, let's get back to Ulysses
S. Grant if that's okay with you.
Chef, how can we stop all
these sexual assment lawsuits?
Well, I hope you do! Otherwise,
it's lumpy potatoes from here on out!
Oh! Please! Don't sue us!
Well, your credentials are very impressive,
and you do seem to have a lot of ambition,
Well, yes! But, that place is for
looser mascots that make no sence!
The sexual harrassment case of everyone
versus everyone begins tomorrow!
Representing the side of
everyone else is Gerald Broflovski!
We don't take kindly
to your types in here!
panda bear come in here,
you gotta go flappin your jaw?
And Democrats make
sexual harrassment laws.
Somebody told us they
saw a big panda bear in here.
How come you types are always wearing
them funny padded shirts in the winter?
Well, we don't take kindly to folks
who don't take kindly around here!
everyone has committed a crime here!
And everyone must pay for that crime!
Now you boys know not to
stare directly into the sun, right?
Have you seen
any panda bears?
Hello, Kids! I'm Happy the Don't Do Stuff
That Might Irritate Your Inner Ear Badger!
No, you're not, Dude! You're
a guy in a panda costume!
A new message that
people will find usefull again.
No! He's a whole new panda now!
And he's got something to say!
Aired 18 years ago - Jun 23, 1999
The boys take Shop class and try to set-up a fight between Tweek and Craig. Kenny is delighted in safely taking the Home Economics course. When the big fight arrives, the combatants don't know what to do; so Jimbo and Ned teach Tweek boxing and
Cartman has Craig instructed in the art of Sumo. Shop teacher Mr. Adler has a recurring dream about a woman that he was never able to say goodbye to.
- So, do you agree to fight
him after school? - I guess so!
I made you some cookies, Richard!
Oh, why?! Why?!
- Why don't we just raise our bets
to TEN dollars?! - You're on, fatass!
It's funny, 'cause Tweek and Craig both
went home about fifteen minutes ago!
- I'm not a chicken! - Well, everyone in
the world thinks you are! See ya, Tweek!
Well, that's fine! I guess you don't care
about what Tweek said about your mom!
- After Red Racer!
- After Red Racer, of course!
It's true! I was!
- With who?
- Some kid! - Oh!
Well, I thought maybe you would at
least attempt to make love to me tonight!
Oh, Richard, it's beautiful! Yes!
Tweek just weighed in
at 48 pounds, Craig at 45!
try to sneak a peek at his
wallet while he pays for you.
but is still getting his degree?
That's more than ten
bucks, you stupid fatass!
It's all for you.
- What's happening?! - Tweek's
gonna fight Craig! - Oh, cool!
Yeah! If you're
gonna do it, do it!
Screw this! We have to postpone the fight
so Tweek and Craig can learn how to fight!
- Fine! We'll see you back
here tommorrow! - Fine!
It is man at his most man!
He's only got one arm!
In Sumo, your body must be like a
stone, and your mind like meatloaf!
There is indeed great
power in your ass, Eric!
Don't worry, Richard! I'm a pilot!
Okay! That was very good, class!
Now, let's try this one together!
"I think a trip to Hawaii would
really improve our sex life!"
Okay! Kenny, could I talk to
you over here real quick?
a nice rich man in the future are
very... well... good! - They're not?!
Fight?! Oh, no, no, no! Girls!
The spirit of the dragon is in your hand!
I can no longer live without her!
Aired 18 years ago - Jun 16, 1999
The boys discover a live prehistoric Jakovasaur while camping on Stark's Pond. The government and the citizens of South Park are interested in trying to help keep this endangered species alive, until they all realize how annoying the Jakovasaurs
really are. The only one who really enjoys them is Cartman. The boys try distracting him while the town tries to send the Jakovasaurs to France.
Yeah, right! You can't talk!
Alright! Never mind! I'll do it!
Do you realize what this means?! We
can use its DNA and have a chance
- Yes! Hope!
happened the wounded pigeon you
were supposed to take care of?
Raise your hand if you didn't sleep
with that pigeon! Oh, whatever!
Mom! Somebody's at the door!
Mom! It's another
Stark's Pond creature!
But the other jakovasaur
Will you stop with the whole mom
smoking-crack thing?! It's an old joke!
We have to take him to that
rancher's barn to see his girlfriend!
Hello and welcome to Voice Box Express,
your number one source of voice boxes.
Now, what in the
devil is this, thing!
Here with more on the status of the
jakovasaurs is department of interior guy!
Hope and Jakov are
the last of their kind.
Ya know, there's really only two season
here in South Park. Winter and July.
Well, Jakov, we hope this new
home inspires you and Hope to uh...
Jakov, to have sex,
all you need to do is...
Yes! Yes that's
very funny, Jakov!
YOU GUYS KNOW WHAT?!
The one four miles away in
Fairplay has better pretzles!
Don't worry, Hope! Everything's gonna
be fine! Just fine! - Just fine! - Fine!
- I CAN'T!
- ME NEITHER!
Hey, Jakov! How's it going?
You brought life to this whole
town! It would suck without you!
- Now what do we do? - Don't
worry! We've come up with a plan!
I have authoritah?!
OH, NOT SO GOOD! SOMETHING
REALLY STRANGE HAPPENED!
YOU'RE A NUT!
LET ME SEE THAT LETTER!
FIRST PRIZE IS AN ALL
EXPENSE PAID VACATION!
Yes, yes, Jakov! You're calling about the
gameshow! Congratualations! Will you do it?
Meanwhile, we get rid of the
jakovasaurs and bring some
Now, as you know, the winner of this
little game will get an all expense
- You have to wait until I ask
the question first! - SORRY!
We just have to show you this
new species, because you're the
Cartman, jakovasaurs are making South
Park suck! You have to understand that!
Aired 18 years ago - Apr 21, 1999
Kyle and Stan try to rescue Chef from the clutches of the Succubus that he is going to marry. Meanwhile, Cartman deals with his eye problems and the optometrist he doesn't like. Chef's Mama and Papa appear for the first time.
Sure gang! I have yellow
stuff or white stuff. Dirp!
Chef, what the hell are you doing? We
almost starved to death at lunch today.
We eventually came back to
my place and really hit it off.
Here she is now. Children,
meet my new girlfriend, Veronica.
Sorry boys, looks like I'm
stealing Chef away from you.
There's got to be a morning after,
You've got a small stigmatism
that's causing all the problems.
Hello and welcome to Steinburg
& Burgstein, can I help you?
Meaningless sex is fun for twenty or thirty
years, but after that, it starts to get old.
Everything's gonna be fine.
- Dude! He bailed on us!
- I can't believe it!
This is so
wonderful! Let's sing!
And that children, is what you need
to know about the facts of life.
I think you'll find that my advice just
as valuable as Chef's, if not more so.
Their evil power makes
man blind to love.
Come on guys! We gotta go tell
Chef he's in love with a Succubus.
Say, would you crackers like to hear about
the time we saw the Loch Ness monster?
"Thomas, what on
earth is that creature?!"
- He wanted money?
- That's right.
Okay, let's get started. You're
here for the liposuction, right?
And that was the third time
we saw the Loch Ness monster.
The Loch Ness monster.
Uh, could you just tell
Chef we were here.
What happened with Chef?
Did you tell him she's a Succubus?
- A what? - A demon from Hell
sent to suck the life out of men.
He wants a life with me
because I make him happy.
Thomas, you're gonna
get me going now.
Alright guys! That's enough!
I have had it with you!
I guess there's nothing we can do.
Chef likes her more than us.
Let him marry Succubus!
I wanna go to sleep.
- That's it! We gotta learn that
song backwards. - In three hours.
And then these aliens had me up on their
ship, right. They was probing me and all that.
He said: "treefiddy". And so I
realized I that it wasn't no alien,
Do you Chef take this woman
as your lawful wedded wife,
Aired 18 years ago - Apr 14, 1999
Kenny spontaneously combusts. The mayor asks Randy Marsh to find a solution. The boys try to help Kyle's dad to get an erection. One way they think they can help is by performing the Stations of the Cross at church crucifying Cartman and waiting
three days for his res-erection. Randy Marsh figures out the reason everyone is combusting is because they are withholding their farts.
Good! Boys, how would you like to perform
the Stations of the Cross this Friday night?
I don't know, dude. I'm gonna
have to go look in the Bible.
- Dad, where's our Bible?
- Not now, Stan!
What did he spend his time doing?
Let's see, Jesus got crucified, then He died,
then three days later, He has a resurrection,
Well I guess you guys can do the
Stations of the Cross by yourselves.
This is stupid. Screw
you guys, I'm going home.
Lord, is it so much to ask that
you to not let us suddenly
Oh Peter, weak.
you're gonna be the most
popular man in South Park.
Things can not get
any more weak for me.
Thank you, boys. Blessed
be the name of Jesus.
- Okay, cool, see ya Cartman!
- Hey, wait, where the hell you going?
Don't leave me
here! You guys!
Okay, people. Scientist Marsh and
I have been working very hard
the natural processes give off a
byproduct known as methane gas.
You guys, I am seriously...
Get me down right now!
- Hi boys.
- Hi Mr. Mackie.
So you boys understand you have
to do that regularly, mmmkay?
Stinky apples. See ya boys.
I am? I am, huh! I never knew the
depth of my scientific genius until now!
Science is very im-port-ant.
And Alphonz Mephesto for his
seven-assed Galapagos turtle.
Wow! My dad's the best! All other
dads suck compared to my dad!
Now you die on that cross and get
resur-erected before I kick your ass!
my scientific mind is best
used on global problems.
- Oh what now?!
- Chef! Chef!
This is just a dream.
You still up on that cross.
Jesus, after you got crucified, how long
did it take for you to die and resurrect?
- Take that!
- Dude! That's my dad!
the sonofabitch who
calls himself a scientist.
I don't know what to do! - You have to
help him, just like I have to help my dad.
What's wrong with you? Christ!
I'm Bob Dole and I can get it up!
Stanley, I think it's best you live with Kyle
from now on. His dad is better than me.
You're right, Stanley!
You're absolutely right!
Aired 18 years ago - Apr 07, 1999
Mr. Mackey punishes the boys by forcing them to join the "Getting Gay With Kids" choir. The choir is going to Costa Rica to help save the rainforest. While on a tour of the rainforest the choir group gets lost when a snake kills their guide. They soon discover the evils of the rainforest, which changes the choir group's message.
And that's exactly why
you need to go, mmmkay.
Did you know that
right now bulldozers
that's all of us.
My name is Kelly.
- My name is Kenny.
Wow, Costa Rican prostitutes!
This is where all the leaders of the
Costa Rican government make their...
I don't think it's funny! This place
is overcrowded, smelly, and poor!
Uh, we're the choir that was
sent from the United States.
Oh, thank goodness you're here, I don't
speak any Spanish. - Oh no problem.
We have a special gift
for you, the gift of song.
Spread the word
and bring you cheer.
they'll be nothing but rainforest
covering the entire world.
"that's a bad little Kitty"
and I smack him on the head.
- I wish we could have seen the
Yanagapa. - What's the Yanagapa?
Notice the red markings.
Quite an amazing creature.
Benny, do you think we're gonna
be okay? - Yeah, everything is fine.
Once this choir tour is over, we
will never see each other again.
Now, it is important that
we all stick together.
Children, he wants us to follow him.
Um, I know! Perhaps
you would like a gift.
awareness like never before.
Yes, we have a phone. It's right over
there, next to the twelve person jacuzzi.
to save the rainforest because
you like it's pretty flowers.
have gathered for the
Save the Rainforest Summit.
Oh! Dear God! The summit starts
in an hour! I'm gonna lose my job.
No no no no no no! You myah.
Oh God, this is a nightmare! We're
never gonna make the festival!
Larry, if we make it out of this,
I want to be your girlfriend,