Aired 17 years ago - Dec 20, 2000
Kyle and Ike anxiously await Mr. Hankey. When he doesn't show, Kyle calls the others for a late night emergency meeting. They find Mr. Hankey living with his alcoholic wife and their three little nuggets. He tells them that no one is into Christmas.
They all decide to try and spread some Christmas cheer. Their effort fails and the boys decide to create an animated special of their own. Featuring Jesus, Santa Claus and themselves.
Oh, no I'm fine, Kyle.
Hey haa, it's Christmas!
Heh What? Dad? Huh?
And if you want, you can help them.
Nobody's buyin' anything an' I can't
afford to keep this furnace runnin'!
We're just gonna have to face that the commercialism has been sucked out of Christmas.
Well, I think people are just fed up with the crowded shopping and the credit-card bills, uh.
Yeah, this thing really
falls apart in the second act.
How hard can it be? Look at it.
Our whole town's economy is
going right in the toilet!
All we need is three hundred
dollars for our budget.
Now you put that vase
down! Put that vase down!
We've gotta all go get that
old drive-in workin' again.
What's the matter, Cornwallis?
Hi there, Santa. I am the
Light and the Way, and stuff.
Woh, ah, hey! I made a little
cutout version of me, too!
Whoa! Well, uhuh. Uh, no thanks,
ma'am. Uh I, I'll get in trouble again.
It's not that, father. Its... Well, I don't
feel like I'm really a part of Christmas.
That's not the only thing
that can't get up around here.
No, you're not a part of it, Carnwallis.
You're all of it. Don't you see?
It's all here because of
poo, and now I'll tell you why
And it's eaten by the plankton,
and becomes the fishes' meal.
You see, son? You're not an
insignificant part of life. You are life.
But it is all one life
form. It is all
Which becomes dinner for the
human and turns back to poo again.
Okay, talk directly in the
mike and don't hit any hard p's.
We wish you a merry Christmas,
Don't call me fat, buttfucker.
Check it out, dude. The camera
shoots one frame at a time.
If people in this town don't start shopping again, we're all gonna be out of jobs next year.
Uhhh, we'll just leave
you to your cleanup.
Good job, Amber. Now this place
is starting to look Christmasy
I'm sick of making this stupid cartoon,
and we're never goin' to finish it anyways!
Now, don't go saying
that. There's always hope.
Even a miracle needs a hand!
"Hey, you guys! Seriouslih! I'm
so fat! Help me out over hmyah!"
Let's all try to help a little, 'cause
the Colorado Film Commission
is pleased to present to you
you will all feel the mighty glow of
the Christmas spirit once again. Boys?
Uhuh, just hang on folks. We seem to
be having some technical difficulties
It's my fault. All my fault.
I got everyone's hopes up.
I was jus' tryin' to get
you to stop your bitchin'
Aired 17 years ago - Dec 13, 2000
The "Raging Pussies" concert is on! Kyle calls the police and say his parents have been "molestering" him. Soon all the children are calling in on all the adults in South Park. Until only children live in South Park. Someone from out of town breaks
down and they have the task of retrieving a book for the fat-ass. The locked-up adults of South Park get therapy to prevent them from sexually abusing their children.
So why should I have to listen to you?!
But what do the police do to them?
Something about a swimsuit
- I don't remember,
You do have the right to remain silent,
ma'am. I suggest you use that right.
Tell them! It's my fault.
Say it! Tell them right now!!
Oh, well-l-l, uh, I'm the mec-hanic, I
guess. Woh-what seems to be the problem?
How about a phone? Can
we just use the phone?
No, ud, it's lemon juice.
What the hell is gong on here?!
Mr. and Mrs. Cotner, as the mayor of Smiley Town, I would like to ask you a few questions.
Look, just point us to
a phone, kid, alright?
That's the most ridiculous
thing I've ever seen!
Just tell me how to
get to a phone or a car!
Look! If getting the stupid book will
get me a cell phone, I don't care!
What is it??
How come you wanna help the fatass?!
And if you had taken our book, then it's
one of us who dies tonight at Carousel!
The Before time.
Soon we were without
power, water, or fresh food.
if I go get the fat kid's book on
the other side of the white line,
Uh, excuse me, but my wife and I
honestly never touched our child.
Now we're gonna try an exercise:
Oh, that's disgusting!!!
Now, now stop this!!
Help meeee help youuuu.
Oh no. NO! Aaaah!
Outlander! We have your woman!
Okay, so what are some other things that
we can do besides molest our children?
Fishing's good. Uh huh.
Oh, I'm gonna be
sacrificed to the Provider!
My God, they were your parents!
Probably crying themselves
to sleep, cold and lonely and
Aired 17 years ago - Dec 06, 2000
Mrs. Cartman holds an intervention for her son's eating problem and is sending him to fat camp. Cartman returns from camp, 40 lbs. lighter. Cartman is selling candy to the fat kids. Kenny is challenged by the other children to do crazy things for
money. Kenny's popularity rises and he soon gets his own TV show. An event happens where Kenny gets inside Ms. Crabtree's uterus for six hours.
Tell them all those stories about how everyone in your famiy was big as a child but then grew into their bodies!
Aw, dude, check this out.
Come on, dude. All you
gotta do is eat it very fast!
and you can call Mommy
any time you want.
Oh, we'll change that. Hello, camper.
My name is Rick. How are you doing?
Wait a second. Do you kids hear
something? I could've swore that-
Oh no! Exercise and
proper diet have killed me.
Kenny's not feeling so good.
That manatee spleen made him sick.
Uh-here. Uh-you can scoop
it up in my R. Kelly thermos.
I hope you all left room for dessert.
Soybean pudding for everybody!
An ice cream truck! Hey wait!
Hang on, we'll be back at
camp in a matter of no time.
Escape-aroo! Now campers,
I know that camp is tough,
Thanks for coming, everybody.
Believe it. He lost 40
pounds at his fat camp.
In fact, I'd say I'm a little
bit trimmer than you, fatboy!
Back to our courageous story of a
little boy's triumph over obesity.
We thought of it, Jesus.
For once, can't just come in here and
say, "Hi Chef. Nice day, isn't it?"
Because Jesus told us that
Kenny's a prostitute. Is he?
But sometimes, when the lovin' is over,
That's why I pays a lot for prostitutes!
Ladies and Gentlemen, Mr. James Taylor.
All you have to do is sit back
and sell it to all the fat kids!
You guys! You have to
check this tape out!
Kenny, through the past
weeks we've seen you eat mice,
Kenny is going to give a sensual
full-body massage to his own grandfather!
Wow! This is Kenny's best show ever!
I don't know what we're doing wrong,
Susan. These kids aren't losing the weight.
Two donuts and a pack of licorice.
I've beh- I've been to seven camps and I swore to my momma that I'd lose the weight.
Mr. Candy Bar doesn't judge you, Chad.
Krazy Kenny is here to promote
his Pay-Per-View special this week,
he could be thin! When we
told you it was his genetics!
Your camp is a WASTE
Now we'll never see Kenny crawl
up into Ms. Crabtree's uterus.
I knew it! You're not Cartman at all!
Well, Ms. Crabtree, your cervix has been dilated, your womb equipped with oxygen- How do you feel?
Aired 17 years ago - Nov 29, 2000
This is the story of Pip's origin. Pip gets a job at the Havesham Estate where he meets Estella. She only spurns his optimism with insults. When Pip is offered the opportunity to become a gentleman he goes to London only to discover that Miss
Havesham plans to break his heart. Her plan is to use Pip's tears to power her Genesis device and will allow her to gain revenge on all men.
He's South Park's biggest
expert on musical theater, AND,
Alright! Places, everybody!
Bring in the turkey!
Look, I know it isn't exactly what
we wanted, but maybe we can train it.
She even jumped through a hoop of fire.
But Mo-o-om, I have to write
these lyrics so the plight
Come on, you blind bitch!
Channel your spirit through me!
1800's, Alabama! What
a great place and time!
Excuse me, I am Lamond,
the animal trainer.
I give you Alinicia!
No, Timmy! Tha handicapped
turkey does not go in our play!
So, so tell me what I can do
here to make everybody happy?
or you don't have a feat-performing turkey
for your Helen Keller Thanksgiving musical!
Helen, Helen. Water, Helen.
Let's see, maybe a
little more up in here.
it's a regular feast for the eyes!
oh, I don't know what
to do. Should I tell you?
let him go. Back into the wild.
Helen Keller was blind and deaf.
Perhaps you should see what it is like.
I could have so much
more with my life, son.
Ey, Gerald, maybe after the show we can make copies of each other's tape so we have both.
Alright, maybe I tried to have Timmy's turkey crushed by a stage light, but I didn't do anything else.
Well, well, what are doing out here?
You shouldn't be out walking the streets.
And now, here it is. The touching story
of Helen Keller, "The Miracle Worker."
John, come quick! Our
little baby's very sick
Hey, the fountains you guys installed
are shorting out some of our lights.
Were is Timmy?! He's on in one minute!
There it is!
If only I could say things
that go on in my mind.
Aired 17 years ago - Nov 22, 2000
The boys are doing their version of the Helen Keller Story and plan to beat the kindergartners show. Timmy stars as Helen Keller and gets a new friend to play with! Fireworks, fountains, and outstanding musicals galore!
But I'm all better now, and the school
was nice enough to let me go on teaching,
Alright, Ike Broflovski.
And so the other thing that makes
my Trapper Keeper cooler than Kyle's
Uh, n-no, I'm afraid not, Bill Cosby,
I nominate Filmore, because he's
the smartest kid in the class.
Ike? How about you? You're a genius.
And on Fridays, I'll add two
minutes to nap time. Thank you.
Aaahhh, hello Eric. Can I be your
humon friend? I mean, friend?
Oh, I see. Alright, I'll
pay 100 geliga stones ---
You son of a bitch!
uh, let's see. Flora, I
can't tell who you voted for.
Oh, for Christ's sakes, you're
all acting like a bunch o' kids!
That Trapper Keeper has to be destroyed!
I have come to destroy
that Trapper Keeper,
From there it was able to slowly
take over every computer in the world.
The nations tried everything to stop
it. Nuclear devices, seismic missiles.
Wow, that's amazing
What would you guys have me do, huh?!
Oh, thank God, Flora!
Alright, who do you vote for?
Except in the one instance where it came out seven to five, and one where it came out twelve to fourteen.
Jesus! Alright, we'll wait for tomorrow so the absent kid can cast his vote! Now go home!
So what are you going to do with your
crappy robot life now, Bill Cosby?
Then I cried and I cried, and finally she felt so bad that she took me to the store and bought me a NEW one!
Don't you get it?! You can't
have ANY Trapper Keeper, fatass!
I'm afraid I have no other choice! For
the sake of humanity I have to kill him.
I'm afraid I can't.
Some kids didn't understand
whom they were voting for.
Your aunt Rosie
O'Donnell is coming here?
I don't wanna wait for
my Trapper Keeper forever
Not now! Not ever!
Come this way, Billy.
Trapper Keeper, ready to ensorb.
Cartman?? He's not gonna
open it! Break it down!
Children, there's some huge bulbous
monstrosity heading for the classroom!
Oh. Oh, um. Pleasure to meet you,
Miss O'Donnell. You're looking
but now we're gonna do it my way!
It was when the Trapper Keeper assimilated with the supercomputer at Cheyenne Mountain
If one of you could get in
there, you could reach the CPU
I'm going to try and break you
away from the computer, Cartman.
and after that, we're gonna go over
the votes again manually, and then-
Half the kids in the class didn't vote
for your nephew, so what about them?
NOW GET YOUR ASS BACK ON FIRST CLASS AND RESPECT THIS CLASS'S RIGHT TO MAKE UP THEIR OWN MINDS!!!
Oh no, children, I think I've
just made this a whole lot worse.
Aired 17 years ago - Nov 15, 2000
Cartman has a new Trapper Keeper (that blows Kyle's out of the water) After he's done bragging, a stranger tells him that it will soon take over the world if they don't destroy it now. Cool 2001: A Space Odyssey and Akira parodies!
Yeah. Only now do we realize how much
we all took the third grade for granted.
We learned wonderous things
from a teacher so nice
We had warm cookies
and hearts full of love
I don't wanna do it if it hurts.
Or if it?makes you get all sticky.
The Spock Theory is that a sling shot around the sun could create a wormhole in which time could not escape.
Uh, you see, Chef, Ms. Choksondik
has very large, uh, honkers,
My new students are the most misbehaved, illiterate, brain-dead group of children I have ever come across!
Nobody's seen Mr. Garrison
since the last school year ended.
I hope that sometime very soon you will let me in on what happened to this Mr. Garrison!
rate of speed about 10 feet that way,
then make the required magnetic vibrations.
We didn't do our homework, Ms.
Makesmesick! We didn't feel like it!
Dude! Timmy's chair is packed with
all that stuff! We've gotta help him!
The child can't stop or get off the chair without risking explosion,
Dear Jesus! Hang on, lady!
As we said before, that's impossible.
After being dismissed from teaching,
he went off to write romance novels.
"Some say that on cold nights
you can still hear him moanin',
...is to go up into those mountains
and find Mr. Garrison myself!
where the darling handicapped boy fights for his life on a wheelchair of death.
Oh, you are such a nerd!
I want you to relay back
to me with this walky-talky,
Well, who didn't see that coming?
No! No, I?haven't?taught
You work and you work for the children and then people start rumors that you're gay even though you love poontang!
I can't, because pizza-face isn't here!
Now, if you can go over there and
get him to admit that he's wrong?
"Well, I'm not gong' to do it,
teacher! You can just suck my balls!"
I'm ready. I'm not afraid.
Look! There aern't 73 episodes
of Star Trek, there are 72!
If you'll just agree with him, you can build another one and usher in a whole new era of science!
This is it: The Tree of Insight. You
must go in and face what lives inside.
Who? Who are you?
What do you want?
Oh, stop it! What about the time you looked at Counselor Mackey's penis in the men's locker room?!
YOU HAVE TO STOP LYING
TO YOURSELF AND GET A G-
Aired 17 years ago - Nov 08, 2000
The kids have to face the 4th grade, and they're not too happy about it. Cartman cooks up a scheme to go back in time to return to the 3rd grade where things were fun and easy. Two geeks help them rig Timmy's wheelchair into a working time machine and send Timmy on the trip of his life!
A place of everlasting agony and pain!
That is all. Peace be with you.
I'm trying to save their souls and the souls of everyone in this town from the wretched lake of fire!
Satan, look: I know our
relationship wasn't perfect. Okay?
Who?? Screw 'im! He can't
pound your ass like I can!
Hey, come on, guy! Give me a break!
Yeah, what if we haven't?
In the Book of Mark, Jesus
distributed bread and said,
Look: all you have to know is that when the priest gives you the cracker, you eat it! Okay?!
No. Because before you can take your first Communion, you have to have your first Confeesion.
Well, Chris, Saddam showed up today.
No, Chris, you don't understand.
Saddam is fucking crazy.
Oh yeah, there was the time we threw a fish into the busdriver's hair and she didn't find it for seven days.
Dude, this ledy told us if you don't confess all your sins and you don't eat crackers and drink wine, then you go to hell. Period.
No! I mean, poor
Timmy's gonna go to hell!
I can't deny my
feelings for Saddam, but
Yeah, you're right. Saddam
would just treat me bad again.
So, I wanna know him. If he sees
that I'ma real person too, then
The guy in there said I have to say 54 Hail Marys. Now I can't remember if I was on number seven or eight.
It was a cold April morning, and the dew on the grass was frozen, like tiny beads of glass
They need to be baptized, take
Communion, and confess their sins.
- confession does not leave this box.
And then this one time, I put super
glue all over the priest's bottle of-
He is an angry God, you guys. We all
have to start taking this very seriously.
Oh, thank you.
behayin' glah, and theh he find de eye.
Oh noooo, that's just Catholics.
Us Jews don't believe in hell.
But to believe in something just
because you're afraid of the consequenced
So Saddam. Satan told me all about how
you guys almost took over the world once.
An escalator? What kind of
pussy way of dying is that?!
They SHOULD be worried! Boys, it is your Christian duty to save the souls of your friends!
Yes! As a Jew, your home
will be the lake of fire.
I mean, if you don't go to hell for crucifying the Savior, then what the hell do you go to hell for?
Having stability in your life is
a great thing! You should try it!
Goodnight, pussy! I mean, Chris!
Yes, well the pope is here, but
please keep it brief. He is a-very old.
We're goin' to church. We've sinned
and so we have to confess again.
And he never took Communion!
I'm just trying to
be a little more naughty in bed.
Aired 17 years ago - Jul 26, 2000
Cartman preaches and the children begin plans to build a church. Satan spends the night with Saddam. Kenny wasn't killed in the previous episode, but the bus that ran him over stops in Mexico, where Kenny is found. Satan, in his time of crisis turns to God for advice. Cartman is discovered as a fraud and is sent to Mexico for punishment.
I have to go back soon. I need you to understand that we can't be together anymore.
Really? So then?What
are you doing here?
Ooh, whoa. God, my head. Drank
too much. Chris! Oh no!!
No, Saddam! I at least owe him an explanation! I jusst don't know what I'm gonna say.
We'll just be stopping here for a few moments for gas, and then our tour will continue on to its final destination.
Yeah, this church
kicks a- eh- it kicks!
I sure hope this woiks.
and tidings of powdered
dougnut pancake surprise!
(Cartman?! Cartman, you've gotta
help me, and I'm not foolin' around!)
Oh, God, Chris is gonna be so
mad at me. Well, here it goes.
Satan, I understand.
Satan, I'm a Nineties
man. I cry when I need to.
Ah-, I'm sorry, Chris, it's?it's
not you, really, it's, it's me.
He said that in hell,
everyone speaks Spanish.
Where is our daughter.
The Lord has spoken again-uh! O,
forgive us, Lord, for our sins!
Hello, newcomers, and welcome.
Can everybody hear me? Hello?
Uh, we are now going to start the
orientation process, which will last about-
I'm afraid it was the Mormons. Yes,
the Mormons were the correct answer.
I'm sorry. I just can't do
this today. I'm just?I'm sorry.
Chris, I didn't mean for
Saddam to stab you in-
"Not that which goeth into the mouth defileth a man; but that which comes OUT of the mouth defileth a man."
Then you know what it says happens
to those who don't follow the Lord-uh.
The only ones that kids can
trust now are me and Jesus!
Well, where was I gonna go? Detroit?
Well, alright. Just let me grab
somethin' real quick. Okay, let's walk.
I realize that some
things about me bother you.
That's good, because right now, all the Jewness is comin' out of your body, bein' replaced by the Spirit of God-uh!
Bring up the next person!
The Lord wants you to
walk,Timmih! Oo-WALK, Timmih!
and then one guy who's really nice to me
but I'm not sexually attracted to at all.
Well, God is gonna heal those eyes,
and save you from the devil begone!
Oh, good Lord, somebody say "Amen!"
We've got cookies and punch and we're
just about to start playing charades.
Ah. Hello? g-God? It's uh?Satan.
What brings you here? Do you wish to
mount your unholy war against heaven?
I remember when I first met him in
hell. It was a lovely morning in April?
and putting a dollar in the box-ah!
But Saddam isn't right
either. He's the other extreme.
Oh, alright then, but you're
gonna miss our big play.
Look, the tooth fairy thing didn't work, the boy band thing didn't last, so I tried this route.
I couldn't expect you to understand,
not until you actually saw the cash flow!
Guys, guys, guys! Look, you both can
stop fighting now! I've made a decision.
Aired 17 years ago - Jul 19, 2000
The boys attend church and the priest puts the fear of hell in them. They must go to Sunday school and learn that they must confess their sins. The boys are worried about Timmy, after all, he can only say his name. Feeling the need to confess their sins they catch the priest in a compromising position and decide to save themselves.
Scoopin' up the field mice
and boppin' 'em on the head
Eheh, thank you Butters.
We'll let you know.
E F G, H I
J K L-M-N-O-P
Aw, man, this is gonna
be a long-ass day.
Mr. Harris was her boyfriend,
and he had a great big-
Mrs. Roberts didn't like him,
but that's 'cause she's a-
Dude, she's a CHICK!
We have to rehearse all that we can! Now,
check this out: My mom made us costumes!
I heard it on HBO. It means,
like, you know, when you?
We're goin' to see the mall manager.
Oh, God, I can't see!
Alright, guys, here we go. Hello, sir!
Oh. Well, I guess.
And girl you know you're cool, you're
good, you're so much nicer, girl.
And I would uh, I'd hate to have to
move it off to the side for a while.
You're the hoodlums who got on the intercom and started an orange smoothie riot!
Now, Randy, calm down. It's just a silly little
dream. They're not gonna actually make it.
Problem, Chef. I have m-many problems.
But I just can't express
it right, you know?
And then, it grows exponentiously until all
girls within a five-mile radius are screaming.
You're welcome. Now, go away! A-and a
cucumber in the pants never hurt either!
Dude, what's wrong with your leg?
You could be warching
TV or, laying in bed.
If you would, sir, just watch
this and prepare to be wowed!
That's all we need! How about
this afternoon at 3 o'clock?
Listen: I'm putting together a rock group. A vocal group called the Ghetto Avenue Boys.
You know you've got?it.
Alright, guys, let's
take it from the top.
Get a life, Marsh! Alright,
guys, let's take it from the top.
Ever since then, I've wished every single day that I could go back to that moment when I was offered the job and say, "No!"
ssspitting you out and throwing you away
like you were last night's pork chops!
Waw. There must be at
least 20 people out there.
Yeah. We'll start right away.
We'll have to do it without him.
I mean, whatever you used
to be, you're just my dad.
Isn't that stupid?
God damnit! People are walking away!
Aired 17 years ago - Jul 12, 2000
"Fingerbang" is the latest boy band starring the four boys. Randy Marsh is against Stan's participation in any boy band for dark reasons. The boys land a gig at the local mall when it is threatened because there are only 4 members in the band. Stan
arrives and the group is set to perform when suddenly the mall elevator tragically crushes Kenny. A former boy band member steps into the spotlight to save the gig.
Nnneh, in 1867, fourteen pioneers from
the East Coast traveled across the Plains-
Sign up to join me, and come marchng to the
Mayor's office in protest of the South Park flag!
I haven't gotten one signature on this
damn sheet, and I've been here all day!
What about next Sunday?
Yeah, I think that's the best day.
How could any of you think that
flag should stay the way it is?!
you can both be the team leaders for the
"Flag should stay the way it is" team.
My name isn't Chef anymore,
children. I've converted to Islam.
Yeah, we don't see what the big deal is.
Okay. Now, in order for us the
debate to change the South Park flag,
Cartman, we can't just attack
Stan and Kyle's credibility.
I think it is history.
I think it is racist.
To protest your lack of humanity,
I will now do the same thing!
Huh? Uh hey now, uh. We
don't want your support.
Ogh! You're such a
racist bastard, Mr. Hat.
and we have finally altered the flag in a
way that we think will make you very happy.
Well, some people just won't with you
at all. This is getting out of hand.
Everybody loves children. Tell the press. South
Park Elementary will be holding a vote on Friday!
I'll kick you in the nuts!
Wendih. Seriouslih. The
Bog Monster speaketh.
Dude, you're just saying that
because she's your girlfriend.
Well, Chef, it's freedom of speech. We don't
like it, but we can't arrest them for talking.
Aw, the hell with all of
you indecisive bastards!
Let's take a hot shower!
Why don't we just talk
about the swastika?
What I really like to do, is I like
to take the tops off of two cookies,
Uh. Now, let's say that first we
talk about the history of the flag.
But they're electing a new assistant to
the Grand Dragon. I might get elected.
Last week we decided we
hate blacks and Jews. A lot!
God job, brother.
So why don't we all say that
we want the flag changed.
Well alright, now that that's out
of the way, it is time to play,
Thanks for coming over, Bebe.
I have something to tell you.
I r-realize that many of you
are torn by the issues as well,
Okay, and Kyle and Stan's
team, your main point?
Whoa whoa whooaa! You just
missed the point entirely!
Aired 17 years ago - Jul 05, 2000
Chef is declaring that South Park's flag is racist. Stan & Kyle head up the team championing the current flag, while Wendy and Cartman head up the side for a new flag. Wendy ends up confessing to Bebe of her attraction to Cartman. The debate starts,
but before Wendy can make her point, she kisses Cartman to regain her composure. Chef realizes that Stan & Kyle's point of view on the flag issue was colorblind.
Mr. Garrison, most
teachers do not carry a gun!
They say it's his kidneys. Kyle always has been a diabetic and lately his kidneys have just been shutting down.
Everybody misses you
And though we hate to cause a fuss
They work wonders. I read all about in People.
Well that's easy. Write about what you know.
What you need to do is go write a great romance novel.
and the only way for us to get better is to flush those toxins out of our system.
Wuh, have you ever
actually seen a toxin?
Out on the balcony, when Reginald kissed Diana's lips, her knees went weak.
penis, making it glisten like a strong swimmer fresh from out of the pool.
Oh, writer's block, writer's block!
Those aren't toxins. That's the been
with bacon soup he ate half an hour ago.
...put all her trust intuuuh holistic medicine..
the rest of the town is so gung-ho in New Age medicine that I have nowhere else to turn.
I broke the space cruiser Kenny
Kyle's in trouble, Cartman. I can see him getting worse right
before my eyes. There might be a way that you?can save his life.
No no, no no, no!
Yes, well, until then, I need
about ten million dollars.
"Okay. Where were we, Kenny? Oh yeah. ""Quick, Captain, we must destroy the
Gengrin across the fire."" Give me the space cruiser. Give it, Kenny. M'yah!"
Oohh, oh yeah. Aah? Here, uh,
this is a ahh dream
Oh yeah, the earth is great.
Yes. Much, much more stuff.
You mean the stuff that tastes
like ass and doesn't fight cavities?
We're bringing Kyle in tomorrow to see the Native Americans personally.
Round them up and meet me at the bus stop at 7:30! Kyle's gonna live!
Diana couldn't help but feel aroused.
In Rebecca's mind, she suddenly felt like she was surrounded by penises.
We're gon' tuh take Cartman's kidney.
Okay, it's clear.
Alright Butters, let's go.
Oh well, we're busted.
Okay, here we go. .
No way! Kidney Blocker 2000?!
First and foemost, Mr. Garrison, I would like to thank you for chosing Harequin Romance
Are you aware that the word "penis" occurs six-thousand and eighty-three times in your novel?
It's just that the focus really seems to be on the?male organs.
They skim along and skim along until they get to the part about the penis!
(Well now, that does it! I have had enough of this bullshit! Screw you, Stan. I'm going home!)
No problem, man. Pay Miss Information up front.
Aired 17 years ago - Jun 28, 2000
Kyle needs a kidney transplant and Cartman is a perfect donor. Cartman has a $10 million price for his kidney. The other boys go to Cartman's house with the plan to take one of his kidneys. Cartman thwarts their plan. Stan, depressed about the
inevitable loss of his friend decides to take action into his own hands and with the help of the parents gets Cartman's kidney for Kyle.
...and, and uh, alright uh, all my friends seem so childish now."
You can't eat, Kenny. We have
to save food for the baby.
(Dad, I wanna play catch.)
Oh, this one looks good: HungDaddy.
Why the hell does the FBI keep arresting all my friends?
We don't know what you're
talking about, lardbutt.
Political prisoners? No,
these are child molesters.
Okay people, I think you'd better
move along before I arrest more of you!
No more will mankind have to pick-
Genetic engineering has not yet evolved to the state where I can just make people.
Fellow members of NAMBLA. As you know, hn hn, we continue to be discriminated against.
What we need is proof that young boys want to be members of NAMBLA.
Oho, thank you. Thank you, Jesus.
And he fixed my shattered left testicle, too!
Oh, no big deal. I just found a group called NAMBLA with adult members,
(Yes. I'm looking for some morning-after abortion-)
Uh, I'm sorry, young lady, but I can't sell that to you without permission from your parents.
Ogh, that hits the spot. Makes me forget all about my shattered balls.
Oohhh, God! Oooh, my balls! Ooh, God
Oh. Well, sure. I have some friends who want to be mature,
The John Denver Experience!
Are you sure you should
be going on this thing?
Oh, God, my nose! I
think I broke my nose!
Oh, Stan, Kyle, just the guys I wanted to see!
Well, that's nice, 'cause you can't go.
You're doing fine, Ms. McCormick.
Oh my God, it killed Kenny!
Kenny, what are you going to plunge?
Hey, what the hell are you guys doing here?! This is for mature people only!
...for putting us in touch with all of you pretty, young boys.
But first, I'd just like to hear from a couple of you on your progress. Uh yes, Patrick.
Wonderful, heh hn. And
how about you, Bay Harris?
...so why don't we turn down the lights and start to dance!
Know of them? We've been fighting with them for years over the rights to nambla.com!
Alright, members, that's enough of that.
It's clear. The cops are
gone. Where's the boys?!
Well, look. Those perverts aren't going to rest until they've made love to one of us. Right?
Huh-you mean to expect me to go out there and let all those?
Aired 18 years ago - Jun 21, 2000
Cartman decides to seek the friendship of older men. Using the Internet, he makes a connection with men who love to hang out with little boys. An organization called NAMBLA (North American Man Boy Love Association) holds a meeting in South Park and Cartman becomes their poster child. The boys learn how much an adult can really love a child.
You can keep a little girl company for 20 quid a day, Pip.
Eho. After you, miss.
Does it frighten you to look upon a woman who has not seen the sun in over 20 years?
Estella, play with this boy.
Oh, yes! My sister and I play that game
at home all the time! Who will go first?
Hm, you quite fancy her, don't you? Come back again next week. We shall "play" some more.
But every single day Pip's love for Estella grew.
You may kiss me if you like. Come.
Let us walk in the daisy garden.
rather thought I was.
He was hired to be the friend of the very harsh and beautiful Estella.
Because Pip knew that someone as sophisticated and as wealthy as Estella could never love him,
Sure! They're those things
with vaginas in them.
Oh. D'ooooh. No, I don't think
so, Pip. Who could that be?
I have a client who wishes to give this bright child a future. Anything he desires. Do you still object?
Oho. But it must be Ms. Havesham!
Pip! A young gentleman!
Of great expectations!
He is a distinguished young lad who will help you on your way to being a gentleman. I trust you see no problem with this?
As do you. Perhaps we've seen each other before.
quite alright. Lord bless me! Why, you're the pale young man I saw at Ms. Havesham's house!
Right, time for a smashing meal and the story of Ms. Havesham.
Not at all, I'm sure. Anyway, Ms. Havesham grew up to be a lovely young lady, and soon a man came along,
But not the groom. And I break from the tale now only to mention that one should never pass gas at the dinner table!
And the story ends, Pip, with me suggesting that one should never pull out the wee wee and check it for scabs whilst at the table.
And after it all, after WEEKS and weeks of intense schooling, Pip was finally a full-fledged gentleman.
Perhaps. Estella's been off to school as well. She's become quite the lady.
It is blind devotion, unquestioning self-humiliation, utter submission, trust and belief against yourself and against the whole world,
Go and seek her out. And love her. Love her!
From the apprentice of a blacksmith to a fine young gentleman of great expectations.
Iiii see, and you no longer
live with the blacksmith?
I think you do.
? Who is that?
very I'm leaving.
Don't they make a handsome couple,
Pip? Look at the way he holds her hand.
But tonight I will fuse my soul into Estella's once and for all.
And as for you, Pip, my robot
monkeys should take care of you!
I'll rip off your arms
and shove 'em up your arse!
Because back then you treated me like any other person.
That being a gentleman doesn't mean learning to dance, or proper table manners.
And now the thrilling conclusion of Great Expectations!
Quite the contrary, blacksmith. My revenge
on the male race is only about to begin.
Once your tears have collected into the Genesis device, the fusion of Estella and me will be complete.
Pocket! Get over there, and do whatever
it takes to keep those blokes from crying!
Yes, but just thnk about
Aired 18 years ago - Apr 26, 2000
The boys discover 8-year-old contorting quintuplets from Romania. Cartman decides to stage his own performance. The quintuplets and their grandmother defect from Romania and wind up staying at the Marsh's home. Thanks to Grandpa Marsh the girls'
grandmother gets "loved to death." The girl's father is brought in by the Romanian government to demand his daughters back, Janet Reno to the rescue!
Cartman, what the hell are you
talking about?! They're identical!
Yes, yes, of course. Just give me vone second to finish getting them ready.
Nid kelmin da bushka.
Cauch! We need a boat.
Dude, this isn't working.
We are very sorry to disturb you. My granddaughters are cold and tired.
That Grandma is not a bad piece of ass.
Hello, and welcome to: "Singing like Bocelli for Dummies." Lesson 1: Yaaayayeha!
I like these Romanians fine, but I hope that old woman isn't planning on staying here much longer.
No, don't be ridiculous.
Mrs., Old Romanina Woman?
A little cottony in the crotch?
Uh, girls, we
have some bad news.
What are we going to do now?
Well, for the time being I, I
mean, of course they can stay.
But all is well now, and people are coming from all over the country to view the little tykes.
Yes, luckily for them, these quintuplets no longer have to live in Romania, the asshole of the world. Back to you, Tom.
Hello. This is Romanian father. I am desperate to have my girls returned to me in Romania.
I, I know the American government will do what's right. Thank You.
Yeah. America is sooo much cooler. In Romania they just oppress you and try to bring you down.
You see, in America we have
Yes, but the girls seem to wanna stay here.
You don't understand Americans' power to protest.
Let the quints stay! Romania is gay!
Let the quints stay! Romania is gay!
Oh my God! I didn't know this was
going to become such a big deal.
I'm sorry, boys, but Janet Reno is having them taken away on Easter Sunday.
Rumor has it that Janet Reno herself will be extraditing the quintuplets.
Don't worry, Ms. McCormick, Romania is very poor country.
Damnit, now I'm never
gonna have my own circus!
Mrs.McCormick, we would love for you and your son to stay here in Romania, with us.
No more Cirque du Cheville for us.
Alright. We just need to get a few more pictures of the girls reunited with their father so everyone knows they're happy.
Aired 18 years ago - Apr 19, 2000
There's something wrong with new student Timmy. About the only thing Timmy can do is say his name. Ignorant of the fact that Timmy is "retarded", he is "diagnosed" with ADD, which relieves him of the responsibility to do any homework. Soon the rest
of the class manages to get diagnosed with ADD, and all get prescribed Ritalin. Everyone is on Ritalin and just complacent enough to sit through a Phil Collins show.
This young man definitely has
Attention Deficit Disorder!
"Please excuse Timmy from all questions and all homework, as he has been diagnosed with Attention Deficit Disorder."
Dude, we suck!
Dude, we've been practicing
for eight years, Skyler.
Sharon, your son has
Attention Deficit Disorder too?
Mr. Pharmacist, this Ritalin doesn't
have any side effects, does it?
Look alive, lettin' it feel (so light). Lettin' it feel so light.
And now it's time for our final band.
Darkness fills my heart with pain.
Darkness fills my heart with pain.
Do you think that would be funny?! You're making him feel bad!
Listen to them. They really love me.
where they will open for Phil Collins. But Phil Collins is not happy.
So that's why all you children
are acting so damned boring!
Those damned psychologists prescribe all kinds of medicines to you children without even carin' about the side effects.
the cool, brainwashing, twelve-year-old-and-younger station that hides behind a slick image.
No way, he did just say it, but just to be cool. That's what makes him cool.
Well, I think the sad question is, "Where are the parents in all this?"
Okay, children, let's settle down!
Vaginas, and penises. Butt sex.
Nice to meet you. I'm Phil Collins.
Well, I mean, it's obvious all the talent and artistic vision in the band comes from you.
But then, finally, I went solo. And that's when I started writing really great songs.
It's always about you, isn't it?! I'm sick of it!
No! Don't try and stop me, man!
I'll see you on fame's backside.
Here's Lalapalalala's news. The
hit group Timmy has broken up.
Yeah. Phil Collins was right. People laughed at Timmy, and Timmy should be at home, where he's protected from laughter.
but I brought over a videotape to show you that there are alternatives to Ritalin.
This treatment is fast and effective and doesn't use harmful drugs.
Stop crying and do your schoolwork!
It sure did.
Yes. His flowing melodies
are really enjoyable to us.
Look at that. Ritalin
stocks are up ten points.
But now you've got a town full of zombie children from the planet Zandor.
Thanks to you, we have children in our town that like Phil Collins!
We uh?have to convince them not to take it, but, ahah ih it'll be hard to get it away from them.
Oh, thank you, Chef. How nice.
Deep inside of me.
Aired 18 years ago - Apr 12, 2000
The kids have just won a sledding race. Token says that the only reason they won is because of Eric's fat ass. The girls challenge the boys to a sledding race down Phil Collins Hill. Token says that the boys can't lose thanks to Eric's fat ass. Eric
then tosses a rock into the side of Token's head. The FBI claim that this was a hate crime and Cartman is sent to jail. Can the other boys bust Cartman out in time for the big race?
What turns a normal, fat little
eight-year-old boy into a vicious, hate-crime-commiting racist?
O! He said it again!
...that if you want to hurt another human being, you'd better make damn sure they're the same color as you are!
Tom, it looks like the Go-Go Action Bronco is heading east on 285.
Damnit, Kenny! Can't
this thing go any faster?!
Jeezus, he's gonna ram it!
Well, it's been over thirteen hours now,
and still the car chase has not ended.
We're gonna make it, Kenny! We're gonna make it to Mexico!
Here we are, the end of the road.
Alamosa Maximum Security Juvenile Hall.
Prisoner 24601, arriving.
...13 years, so in the meantime we need someone to race with us against the girls on Saturday.
Hey, I'm not fat, you guys.
I'm just kind of big-boned.
How about you come up with a reason why we don't break your arms?!
Oh, uh, well, personally, I?
uhuhuhuh, I?don't like Animaniacs?
Yeah, neither do I. Friends suck.
Yeah, why don't you go eat some more
pork rinds or something, you fat fuck?!
You know something, guys? I think we
all took Cartman's ass for granted.
That does it! We've got no other choice!
We've got to bust Cartman out of jail!
Young man, that is the fourth time you've been late for our visiting time; you are grounded.
...and ownay we're otallytay ewedscray!
Just pass them through these little drill
holes here. That's what everybody does.
Wow. I really wish I hadn't
sat here and watched that.
There's only one thing we can do. We have to go see Token
Come on! Uugh, come on, now! Come on, uuhhhgghh yeahhh. Hoh. Phew.
...you're gonna have to sneak something else in for me.
Well, his head is still a little
sore, but you can come in, if you like.
-No, I'd, actually agree with you.
Oh, thank God! Oh, thank you, Jesus, uh! Hoh.
I just wanted you to sneak stuff in for me.
Yeah, it's a little ripe, but it's brand new,
man! You can play it at recess.
But if someone kills somebody of a different color, it's a hate crime.
Mayor, it is time to stop splitting people into groups.
That is our presentation.
An idea that we call?
Hurry up! They're sending the dogs after us!
Yeah. I never really
realized that until just now.
You?well?I know you don't think you've?ever been anybody's friend, but, well, you're a friend to me.
Aired 18 years ago - Apr 05, 2000
The tooth fairy has visited Cartman, leaving him two dollars. He rushes to the bus stop to share his news with the others. He then unveils his latest plan. If all they all combined their lost teeth, the tooth fairy will provide them with enough cash
to purchase a Sega Dreamcast. They soon find out that they are treading on someone else's territory. Now they have to work with the mobsters to keep their manhood.
Higher, you guys.
Hoh. Sorry, Miss Fairy. I didn't mean to
gaze at you. I'm back to sleep now, see?
Do not open your eyes until morning. Or else I will kick you in the nuts. Square in the nuts.
-Did the tooth fairy come?
Well, losing baby teeth is a natural
thing, Ms. Cartman. How many has he lost?
No? Hm, I see. Well, I'm afraid I can't help you right now.
You know, the tooth fairy forgot to bring
me money last night! Call the police!
You almost had me for a second there, Mom, heh. "There's no tooth fairy."
No, honey. It's just-
No, Mother! No more lies!
Tell us what?!
You're wrong. If my dad says
something is real, then it's real!
Peter Pan, too??
Man, I can't believe all our parents
lied to us about the tooth fairy.
So all we have to do is go to a really rich kid's house,
What if this is all
just somebody's dream?
Here. You can tell this is the kid's window 'cause it's got Mega Man stickers on it.
We're gonna sneak a tooth under this rich kid's pillow,
It's better than your dress! You look
like a bad Jennifer Lopez nightmare!
Alright, that does it! Come
on, we're going to see the Boss!
I do it just like my big brother before me, and my oldest brother before that.
Look, any shmuck can sneak through a window wearing a pretty dress.
Once the note is in place in the last house, we start all over, going back to the first house.
The teeth we do manage to acquire are then sorted according to size, color, and quality.
Oh. Uh-I don't know.
A giant half-chicken/half-squirrel
Oh, Mr. Foley, you realize
how ridiculous that sounds.
You'll see! I'll have it taken care of in a matter of weeks!
His large beak is probably detachable, and works as a flotation device.
Yeah? Well, that ain't
nothin' but a thang.
That there's a time and a place for
everything, and it's called "college."
Hey, man, I don't need dope.
Let me sing you a little song:
Dude, this book says there could be infinite
alternate realities to every reality.
My name is Tom Foley. I'm with the American Dental Association.
And when I do I'm gonna bust his ass and everyone's ass who helped hide his ass!
Well, huh, Tang Li wants 30, but, but I can cut you a deal for 28, yeh ha, buh.
Either you give the boss his cut, or else we're gonna throw your pal into the river wearing concrete galoshes!
(No! Nono! No! Don't do this! Nononooo!)
Billy is in desperate need of a bone-marrow transplant or he will most certainly die.
because we have a feeling that the tooth fairy is going to leave you six hundred dollars for it!
Naw, come on. D'ya really think anyone
will fall for somethin' that stupid?
Just kidding. You know how there's always the dumb guy in sting operations in the movies?
But I can't, because, what if thinking about it is the only thing keeping my space-time together?