Aired 5 years ago - Nov 07, 2012
Eric Cartman is hiding something in his bedroom that could change the entire outcome of the Presidential election.
- Sure you do.
- What if I did, Kyle?
I don't believe it.
Do I have a study?
I don't think I have a study.
We presume you are pleased
with the election results?
I don't know how they did it
but the Chinese secured my victory.
Stacks and stacks of ballots
from states all over the country!
I guess this country is changing.
But I thought Obama won
pretty easily last night.
Cartman has stolen the election!
- Don't make me say any more.
- Tell us what you know, right now.
- The President!
- Congratulations, sir!
Come on, guys!
President says get out!
Can we please just
try and talk to him?
Then just tell me
what Cartman is up to!
- Red Lobster!
Okay, you want me to come in again,
we can start over. What the fuck is this?
I told you China would get
the rights to Star Wars from Disney
You see, when the United States
created Star Wars
take the rights from Disney
if they helped him get re-elected.
I get to play the part
of Luke Skywalker's son.
You are absolutely sure about this?
I've told him to respect people's property.
What did he take?
What's this about
a deal with the Chinese?!
You just couldn't keep your mouth shut,
could you, Butters?
I have them hidden away,
somewhere nobody would ever look.
the reason this country works is
because people go out and vote.
- Like what?
- I want a part in the new movies.
This is Breaking Election News!
And you claim that a General Tsao hired
your friend Fat Ass to steal the ballots.
This has been a long campaign
but someone's finally done it, wolf.
If the election really just came
down to a bunch of boxes Cartman stole,
Aired 5 years ago - Oct 31, 2012
Rocked by the recent news of drug use by a beloved icon, the world is left feeling lost and betrayed. The boys, join with the rest of the nation, and remove their yellow wristbands. Everyone is on board, except for Stan, who just can’t seem to cut off his bracelet.
Jesus asterisk Christ, Stan, people are
really feeling cheated by all this!
We are here tonight with the
only person in America who still
I've had it a long time.
Okay, if Jesus rose from the
dead with the help of drugs.
That's because... that's because
you're a retarded fish and you
Yeah, you know, I can't believe
in Jesus any more because he's a
I just got really moved after I
saw what you did for all those
Dude, where are people getting
all the brown wristbands?
No, thanks, I'll stand.
If you have nothing to hide,
then please hand it over, Mr. Marsh.
Rumors have surfaced that Stan
did not stand his ground as
Are you afraid we will find glue
on your bracelet, Mr. Marsh?
It was Craig.
You hold that lie
inside... go Stan!
The tests are done and
the results are in.
This is a dark day for honest
French Swedish people everywhere.
You probably should come
clean and tell the truth.
What nobody seems to remember
are the farmers in Belarus!
Can't you see I'm trying
to do my a calisthenics?
make a TV program
written just a for you.
Please I'm terrified.
My child, the man who lives here has
led a witch hunt to destroy my legacy.
Yeah, I've been kind
of seeing that.
I just feel like if people could
see me in action again, they'd
Everyone just lost their faith.
death struggle that's
what should be important.
it in colors that show
off your purpose.
Why, there's even a scauses
for just being fat!
Dude, the hell just happened?
Mkay, you should know that the Belarusian
government is right now trying to...
There's a guy selling them
downtown, but they're not made
People are saying that?
It has become the biggest
concern for most people.
You know, I'm uh... I'm
here to do whatever I can.
conflict from escalating,
is that right?
and a jade green for
how much I hate Kyle.
Aired 5 years ago - Oct 24, 2012
The boys plans to go as the Avengers for Halloween go awry when Randy can’t go at the last minute and Stan has to help his father with a new business venture.
it wasn't a stupid idea to buy this place.
This was a great idea but no,
Yeah, it's awesome! Thanks, mom.
I'm sorry Stanley, but
I need your help here.
thirty minutes this place is
Dude, you can't do this!
house people will be like
'oh wow it's The Avengers!
I'm not Bruce Valanche!
No, he's just gay and fat,
That old creepy place.
It's Halloween night. People
should be renting spooky movies!
What'll it be?
In fact your son seems to
think video stores are.
Your Blockbuster will never get
Dude, dude dude!
Stan and Kyle, you take the back entrance!
It's Halloween I thought everyone
would be renting spooky movies!
And so what is little Monica wearing?
No, you don't need to
send help thanks though.
According to industry experts,
No, it's just Randy.
Just let me go! We're nobody!
It's an invitation to a Monster
Mash at the Community Center.
What are you gonna do?!
Shelley, I need to use your cell phone.
Are you okay?
Sounds like you're talking
about the Redbox killers.
the big party at the Community Center.
it's Halloween night!
Yes. We saw their faces.
That sure is a great Gangnam
Style costume, Craig!
Sorry! I can't see a thing in here!
Aired 5 years ago - Oct 17, 2012
It is time for Butters to begin a journey where he will follow in the path of his Hawaiian ancestors.
His mother and I... our whole
family... we're not of this place.
Please, it's a cultural thing.
your birthplace for the
ceremony of hapa noa.
We're from Hawaii?
And when we've chosen a mate,
we marry at the fern grotto-as
All Hawaiians feel it. It is
called 'hapa hua opae loa', and
It will provide you with all you need.
I can't do anything right.
I already told him.
I can't allow anyone on the aircraft who
okay! Okay I'll go.
Can I help you wid anything?
Uhh who's this?
Come on ya tourists!
Buy a postcard..
That there is bubbuh's burgers, us
natives used to always eat there.
Ahhh, Steven and Linda's child.
What can I tell you of this
mysterious island and its people?
pineapple juice and vodka which
they call 'the chi chi'.
To wit I have found nothing
wrong with this remote place,
We ask that you bless this native
Hawaiian with his hapa noa!
what? What has happened?! Speak!
The haloes are trying to do away with us.
It is time to show the haoles
that this is our island!
Hold on!!! Hold on!!!
An insurrection in the Hawaiian
islands has escalated to war.
The president says he will send the
coast guard to take the island back,
He's a tourist and he knows
everything we have to kill him.
I have lived on this island
for ten years. Ten years.
Trial by ***
Quiet. He must face this challenge alone.
That's pretty good.
Don't worry Butters, your friend
will find his way back to his kind.
Oh no? Come up here Keiki, come on...
Um. We're, we're out of chichis.
Aired 5 years ago - Oct 10, 2012
The man who visits all the homes in South Park every day is under suspicion. Cartman takes matters into his own hands and signs up for a home security system.
Isn't possible your mom
was raped by the UPS man?
but I'm getting some goddamn security.
How do you know she's not?
[bleep] your wife.
And none you you are safe.
Oh, I'm sorry, but I really
don't think I can afford this.
Kyle is always taking my stuff.
don't you need to be
getting to work, ran?
Sure, Chad, is it?
Hey, Sharon, these came for you.
Yeah, sure, 'cause people just order
That's ok, do you have your security
pass phrase you can tell me?
It's all right, it happens all the time.
I do but you don't know that.
No, best to let him go on
We used a pretty
blond to lure him in.
"No, just up to my boobs,
and then you've got to go to the
store for your stuff from then on.
- This is Michael with Wolf Home Security.
Ok, we're contacting them now.
Hey there, Mr... Stotch?
Looks like another Amazon package.
It's all stuff from Amazon.
A man's wife is his life,
Mr. UPS man.
Hello, this is Varachnu with
Wolf Home Security.
side of the earth trying
to protect me.
raped my mom and you people have
done absolutely nothing about it.
All I can tell you is that so far,
Bane has not been caught.
Wouldn't be the only ones in your
family completely in the dark.
and I would also recommend you all get our
newest personal security system
only for your doors and
windows to be monitored,
knife through your [Bleep] skull, bastard!
Don't let your families became
Just want you to know that if you
want to steal somebody's stuff
I just came from Will Paterson's house.
I didn't think you had anyhow.
And that applies to all
of us, doesn't it?
Please, I need you to come
sit down for a second.
Aired 5 years ago - Oct 03, 2012
Cartman owns up to being fat and decides that driving around on a scooter is his right. Kyle sees that Cartman isn't the only one who finds no shame in his unhealthy lifestyle. Meanwhile, Cartman discovers he has a rival in America’s Sweetheart, Honey Boo Boo.
Aired 5 years ago - Sep 26, 2012
Randy's campaign to prevent head injuries in football radically changes the way the game is played, but the new rules become a national sensation and even make a South Park student a star athlete.
Oh you're all not getting it!
How about we call it -- sarcastaball!
Excuse me. Pardon me.
So you're happy with these changes?
gathering followers by the hundreds.
Let's make sarcastaball the
official school sport nation wide!
a big election coming up,
Are we really going to go out there
and play North Park like this?
We been practicing and getting
you're nicer than anybody I know.
If they give you two balloons
well you give 'em three!
that place, inside you
where all the gooey happy
As Commissioner of the NFL
I am so thrilled to see
I love sarcastaball!
Yeah, I'm a big fan of all your hit songs!
Well, we might as well call up
Lakewood and tell 'em we forfeit.
Yeah, but I-- but I can't be team Captain,
Remember what we talked about,
Save that for later!
Manning met by Lamar Woodley- he's
giving the balloon to Woodley!
Oh, yeah, I'm just the guy
who invented sarcastaball.
but we need to get better.
I suck at being nice and polite.
them where all the feelings of
compassion and joy come from.
And when I wake up,
Really happy to have you on the show.
How about last night's nail
biter that ended 0 to 0.
Oh, right, I can't stop
being sarcastic now.
Stay positive, Stan!
How do we fix this, doctor?
you think there's a correlation
between sarcasm and sarcastaball?
out in the waiting room who
can't even remember his family,
let's take all that money
Hey, I love sarcastaball just
as much as the next guy.
So take your game to the next
level with Butters Creamy Goo.
When I get hot and tired only one
thing can boost my compassion.
we don't want you playing
this sport any more.
Aired 5 years ago - Apr 25, 2012
Cartman is excited when a new girl comes to school and he discovers something inside that he never knew he had.
saying about Token.
Thanks, you guys.
I dated him for a little while.
Nichole and Kyle sitting in a trae.
Hey, Nichole, right.
kind of, you know, together.
Just, you know, don't touch me
'cos I'm not into girls
Token and Nichole are gonna be
Oh, hey Nichole, the coach wants you
I don't see a Batmobile.
Oh cool she likes basketball.
I can take her to a basketball game.
even left some food laying around.
Oh my God so cute.
Tee, hee, hee.
♪ you can be sure I know my heart
♪ I'll never break your heart
♪ I swear like a shadow
♪ and I swear
that we're a gay couple.
It's how nature works, Kyle.
Who is cupid me?
That's good but your mother
to the one other black person.
I know it seems like a strange
Other people have to use the
To relief like the toilet--
Oh it's cute, it's chocolate hearts.
Everything is great, mom.
really on the same page.
They were meant for each other.
And you, I should've never
believed in you.
was to step in, it would be okay?
So, I need a laxative that works
When the going gets tough the
Yes, I do,
Come on, twinkle stars,
white Jewish boy.
anthem country music star Brad Paisley.
♪ whose broad stripes and bright
Here to attempt a 3-point shot
Aired 5 years ago - Apr 18, 2012
The boys try zip-lining in the Colorado mountains on the last day of spring break, but their adventure takes a dangerous, life-threatening turn.
we'll get up there and
hit that fresh nar nar.
And we were like, "Others."
way when surrounded by
friends and family.
Alright our last zipliners
Welcome to Backcountry Adventures.
Back to you, Michael.
Let's get out there and get zipping.
that bring up memories of just how lame
45 minutes to the freshest nar nar.
And long story short, they told us
So, then we called and made a reservation
is that a massive storm is brewing.
And now, to compensate for
all the annoying tourists,
Fecal matter which floats up and
into Kyle's nasal passage.
does anyone care to know
about these trees' biology.
So after asshole gets his
look up and give the camera
a nice shaka bra.
Alright Carl, give me a zipline.
would be kind of fun, maybe.
Only ten minutes to our next zipline.
The boys realize that their
mountain wilderness with a tour group.
There is nobody around for
I brought it up because you
If the four of us don't zipline
the tour will move faster.
would only have caused mild diarrhoea.
Dude, did you just shit your pants.
Skip a free lunch?
Then stop drinking
Double Dew, fat ass.
Our friend is really, really sick.
This here waterfall is called
I can't take it anymore.
I don't know how long, 12 minutes.
The following program
boat which is only allowed to go
5 miles an hour.
go ziplining mine or Kyle's.
Oh no. You're not thinking
of the entire boat.
He has herpes.
You killed Kenny you're the bastard.
Aired 5 years ago - Apr 11, 2012
Stan wants to raise awareness about the dangers of bullying by shooting a big dance video, while Butters falls victim to an unlikely bully.
We think that bullying is bad.
â"Â Who said?
â"Â He didnât want that disclosed.
and not an uninformed
backwards little dork?
Look, whatâs this over here?
The student who lets bullying happen
is just as bad as the bully himself.
What we, at Bucky Baileyâs
Bully Buckersâ¢, like to do
Are you all chicken?
Bullying has gotten out of hand,
and it needs to be stopped.
You wanna know who I hate?
I hate that kid, Butters.
over 200,000 students are afraid
to come to school because of bullying?
For a healthy world,
bullying is unfit
And make bullying kill itself
We can beat its ass
until it starts to cry
It will be fun to see just how bad
the darkness of my mind
But this is just gonna make
things worst for me.
Youâre gonna stop bullying?
Every minute Iâm watching this video
become less about awareness
Oh, Heavens to Betsy.
This is such a yummy, yummy ham.
Donât fart on Grandma.
Sheâs trying to enjoy her ham.
I love the cute little canary
on the dial.
They want to do a photo shoot
to make movie posters.
Bucky Baileyâs Bully Buckersâ¢
can become the legit organization
but you brought this on yourself.
Look, itâs Captain Pussy.
The video was conceived,
written and directed by the students.
They wanna believe
kids did something on their own.
It will look bad
with your Captain Kangaroo haircut.
But since you walked out,
you donât get to come.
To have his face put all over signs
as the poster child for bullying?
This video can change
how people think about bullying.
why donât you put it
on the Internet for free?
We all know that bullying
has become an epidemic.
Stop trying to make me say things
on your TV show.
â"Â Stop it!
â"Â This is for America.
Itâs your fucking movie!
Itâs eternal fire,
and itâs gonna hurt real bad.
I canât lie, it felt kind of good,
Aired 5 years ago - Apr 04, 2012
South Park's big Easter egg hunt is in jeopardy when there are rumors of a dangerous beast lurking in the woods nearby. Cartman tries to warn everyone that their lives are at risk if they participate in the egg hunt. No one believes him until he produces video evidence of the mystery being.
but it's hard to tell.
a 'Jewpacabra' mentioned anywhere.
No, it's a school night!
Jewpacabra likes to hide in.
I know, it's so shocking it
Jesus Christ had died for our sins.
What do you think, Peters?
that goes through a shark tank.
People thought Atlantis was a myth, Kyle,
Look at its trajectory -
is a Jewpacabra.
I'm the only one qualified.
We've never seen this before!
Whatever this thing is
it's mean and angry as hell.
Okay, okay, even if there was a Jewpacabra,
Cuz letting kids be harmed is child neglect...
We just can't risk the creature
showing up tomorrow.
there is a sacrifice for it in the park
Oh, of course I was lying, Kyle.
I mean I don't have any money!
The dart gun I shot the bunnyman with.
Yes. It's because the pharaoh won't give
the hebrews what we want!
Because God is going to harden
the pharaoh's heart!
But my friend Kyle, he says that
Don't think anyone can deny that...
We can't let ourselves believe in
the Hebrew version of God.
and our love grows,
What's happening to us?!
Aired 5 years ago - Mar 28, 2012
Mankind's evolution begins to accelerate at a rapid and disturbing pace. Concurrently, another species on the planet is exhibiting the same drastic development. Eventually the two species will battle to the death and "Faith Hilling" may be humanity's only hope.
They're about to learn how
dangerous tebowing can be.
What is that.
Maybe you think this doesn't apply to you,
maybe you think your memes are safe.
Use the approved poses if
you want to be a memer.
That's a good idea.
Why would we look at a newspaper, retard?
It says faith hilling is now
all like 2000 and late.
How can we be passe?
We're only in 4th grade.
That's all it is?
Oh God. Faith hilling is so February 2012.
Yesterday afternoon four kids went to
the hospital for injuries resulting
Hey. You're following plankers and tebowers,
so put a loaded gun in your mouth!
Professor Lamont, we need to talk.
Have you heard of another species,
meming on the Internet?
Just like genes, memes
replicate, mutate and adapt.
Even that evolved from people
ass wedging in the 40s.
Mister kitty, do you mind explaining this?
These stupid fads are only that, okay?
Oh long johnsonning is of
course the latest internet meme
Oh long Johnson.
Oh long Johnson.
What are you doing here taylor swifting?
Oh guys. You need to realize that
faith hilling is over, okay?
Oh long Johnson.
Long ago there was tebowing
They say it's a dangerous
and potentially fatal.
I think they're faith hilling, Bobby.
We have to face it, Cartman.
Household cats have evolved
into a species as intelligent as humans.
Oh long Johnson--
Oh -- oh don piano.
Okay, that's good, a little higher.
Aired 5 years ago - Mar 21, 2012
Cartman launches a gemstones network show and creates a very lucrative business. Stan searches for the real value of a piece of jewelry that was a gift from his Grandpa. Meanwhile, Cartmans lucrative new business preys upon an extremely vulnerable clientele.
I can make a 10-dollar profit.
Yeah, dude you can test them.
you give me for this gold and diamond bolo.
You don't even make a six layer burrito.
Okay. Folks we're -- half way complete
These are genuine faux sapphire earrings.
These earrings go for $6 million.
My name is Vivian.
hold on, Vivian, we will get you
on with a rep for the number.
This is a new time, a new era of science
That's right. Guys with cash for gold signs
Oh my God, can you believe this?
E-z is an a abbreviation for easy.
we're saving you a second of time.
You don't have a lot of
time left, literally.
She will appreciate.
I can't remember what
she looked like, Billy.
Hey, Craig, what's going on?
bracelet to miss Marsha tubbs.
Enjoy the tiger's eye aquamarine bracelet.
You're looking for something to wear.
I said you should kill yourself.
I just read the day shopping
networks make their money
How about this, if a jewelry host
network show host goes home tonight
You morally empty corrupted maggot.
Next item we're gonna do is
We are going to drop the price to $75.95.
Should is Mrs. apple bee.
Do you have any idea what it
"who ever smelt it dealt it."
The Hindu saying is who ever
That's right whoever made
unwanted crappy jewelry to keep up.
Quit the act. I am not fucking you
and you know it.
I want to buy my jewelry direct from you.
You tried to fuck me out of your business--
Aired 5 years ago - Mar 14, 2012
One of the boys had been told time and time again about leaving the toilet seat up after he goes to the bathroom, but he didn't listen. His actions have consequences and ultimately result in an unimaginable catastrophe.
Dude, I'm telling you it
was freaking hysterical.
That's not what she said.
You're putting extra's on it again.
I'm sorry, there's nothing we can do.
Why did you leave the
toilet seat up, son?
have a lot of time, Clyde.
She always treated people
with dignity and respect.
it isn't a womens responsibility
to see that the seat is down.
And put it down before they go plopping
their butts blindly to the toilet bowl?
And now little Clyde's mother is dead.
You're looking hideously
ugly today, Ugly Bob.
It's the toilet
safety administration, hun.
Federal law requires all toilets to be
fitted with a harnes so nobody can fall in.
Everywhere he goes people
are telling him he has blood
Okay, we wanna help him sue
whoever invented the toilet.
If you hire us,
we'll work hard...
If you're sitting on the toilet you
need to wear your safety belt, sir.
You can pay this by
mail or appear in court on that date.
This is unbelievable.
No, just need to pee.
Okay, I'm done.
We call out to the
land of the dead.
My client is due
compensation for negligence.
We have a claim against a John
Harrington. Do you know him spirit?
Yes, that's him. Is his
personage amongst you?
This actualy went really, really well.
viewing the monitors
in a discrete location.
No, no. hold on.
men will agree that they will
always sit down to urinate.
and then turn around and cut
their poo in half with their urine?
Yeah, I think we just
got to live with the TSA.
Hang in there, Clyde. This is all
to make the world a safer place.
managed to get through TSA
security with a gun and a baby.
What good is the TSA if
they're not protecting us?
Now it is time to take
responsibility for ourselves.