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M*A*S*H

S9 E12
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CBS
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Season 9  "Depressing News"  9x12

Aired 43 years ago - Feb 09, 1981

Klinger's army newspaper reports on Hawkeye's monument to military stupidity; a giant tower made from a half million erroneously shipped tongue depressors.

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Recap of M*A*S*H Season 9 Episode 12 (S09E12) - 1
That's, uh, 300 jokes an hour, 15 hours a day... about 5,000 jokes a day.
 Recap of M*A*S*H Season 9 Episode 12 (S09E12) - 2
"Do unto others as you would have others do unto you."
 Recap of M*A*S*H Season 9 Episode 12 (S09E12) - 3
- An old friend of yours is coming to call. - Oh?
 Recap of M*A*S*H Season 9 Episode 12 (S09E12) - 4
I was sure you'd Vesuvius all over my office.
 Recap of M*A*S*H Season 9 Episode 12 (S09E12) - 5
Winchester, you're letting that goat of yours get got again.
 Recap of M*A*S*H Season 9 Episode 12 (S09E12) - 6
Ergo, when he arrives...
 Recap of M*A*S*H Season 9 Episode 12 (S09E12) - 7
- Winchester, ten-hut! - [Whimpers]
 Recap of M*A*S*H Season 9 Episode 12 (S09E12) - 8
I do not need the wisdom of your experience. I am not selling watches from the trunk of a car.
 Recap of M*A*S*H Season 9 Episode 12 (S09E12) - 9
Surely you are not proposing Horace Baldwin's?
 Recap of M*A*S*H Season 9 Episode 12 (S09E12) - 10
Remember, to grow a beautiful rose, sometimes you gotta shovel a lot of manure.
 Recap of M*A*S*H Season 9 Episode 12 (S09E12) - 11
- It's a silly little test. - Of course it is. Perfectly meaningless.
 Recap of M*A*S*H Season 9 Episode 12 (S09E12) - 12
Listen, I'm a very complex person!
 Recap of M*A*S*H Season 9 Episode 12 (S09E12) - 13
- You're not gonna let go of this thing, are you? - How can I?
 Recap of M*A*S*H Season 9 Episode 12 (S09E12) - 14
- I'll bet. From which war are they left over, huh, Hawk? - Obviously the Korean War.
 Recap of M*A*S*H Season 9 Episode 12 (S09E12) - 15
and make some remarks, and they'd be cleverer than the ones you just made...
 Recap of M*A*S*H Season 9 Episode 12 (S09E12) - 16
- We don't have to take him alive, do we? - Of course we do.
 Recap of M*A*S*H Season 9 Episode 12 (S09E12) - 17
- It's wonderful to see you again. - Good to see you too.
 Recap of M*A*S*H Season 9 Episode 12 (S09E12) - 18
Colonel, nice to have you in our little corner of the war.
 Recap of M*A*S*H Season 9 Episode 12 (S09E12) - 19
I will? I will! Oh, I read you loud and clear, 0 Most Gracious Host. Consider him comfortable.
 Recap of M*A*S*H Season 9 Episode 12 (S09E12) - 20
Recap of M*A*S*H Season 9 Episode 12 (S09E12) - 21
Hold it! I was the one who gave out that advice...
 Recap of M*A*S*H Season 9 Episode 12 (S09E12) - 22
Well, there was no way I could possibly have foreseen...
 Recap of M*A*S*H Season 9 Episode 12 (S09E12) - 23
As a matter of fact, I procured this... hooch in Tokyo.
 Recap of M*A*S*H Season 9 Episode 12 (S09E12) - 24
Yeah, Bean Town. Although more and more frequently...
 Recap of M*A*S*H Season 9 Episode 12 (S09E12) - 25
and actually pull ahead $5.14.
 Recap of M*A*S*H Season 9 Episode 12 (S09E12) - 26
I'm not gonna quit until I've taken you for everything you've got.
 Recap of M*A*S*H Season 9 Episode 12 (S09E12) - 27
you now owe me...
 Recap of M*A*S*H Season 9 Episode 12 (S09E12) - 28
London, Geneva, Tokyo.
 Recap of M*A*S*H Season 9 Episode 12 (S09E12) - 29
is not made of the same material as one's trousers.
 Recap of M*A*S*H Season 9 Episode 12 (S09E12) - 30
No fact-finding tour is successful...
 Recap of M*A*S*H Season 9 Episode 12 (S09E12) - 31
especially around 2330 hours.
 Recap of M*A*S*H Season 9 Episode 12 (S09E12) - 32
But you understand, this is not for me. It's for a shy friend.
 Recap of M*A*S*H Season 9 Episode 12 (S09E12) - 33
Recap of M*A*S*H Season 9 Episode 12 (S09E12) - 34
Uh, I would like you to pay a little social call on a friend of mine.
 Recap of M*A*S*H Season 9 Episode 12 (S09E12) - 35
So, how's, uh, the Lord?
 Recap of M*A*S*H Season 9 Episode 12 (S09E12) - 36
Ten dollar.
 Recap of M*A*S*H Season 9 Episode 12 (S09E12) - 37
Recap of M*A*S*H Season 9 Episode 12 (S09E12) - 38
Come right on in.
 Recap of M*A*S*H Season 9 Episode 12 (S09E12) - 39
What's up, Chuck? Generosity is not the "osity" you're best known for around here.
 Recap of M*A*S*H Season 9 Episode 12 (S09E12) - 40
It's a parting shot, you might say.
 Recap of M*A*S*H Season 9 Episode 12 (S09E12) - 41
Soliciting nurses to be nothing more than cheap concubines for immoral purposes!
 Recap of M*A*S*H Season 9 Episode 12 (S09E12) - 42
Recap of M*A*S*H Season 9 Episode 12 (S09E12) - 43
Look, I swear, I have never laid eyes, or anything else, on this young lady before!
 Recap of M*A*S*H Season 9 Episode 12 (S09E12) - 44
Him Joe!
 Recap of M*A*S*H Season 9 Episode 12 (S09E12) - 45
Recap of M*A*S*H Season 9 Episode 12 (S09E12) - 46
This is more than I can handle. I gotta get out of here before it gets any better.
 Recap of M*A*S*H Season 9 Episode 12 (S09E12) - 47
- and only went to Potter after I rejected her. - [Door Opens]
 Recap of M*A*S*H Season 9 Episode 12 (S09E12) - 48
Margaret, please.
 Recap of M*A*S*H Season 9 Episode 12 (S09E12) - 49
In an attempt to curry my favor in order to secure a promotion...
 Recap of M*A*S*H Season 9 Episode 12 (S09E12) - 50
well...

Or scroll and see one by one:

Recap of M*A*S*H Season 9 Episode 12 (S09E12) - 2
"Do unto others as you would have others do unto you."
#2 Recap of M*A*S*H Season 9 Episode 12 (S09E12) - 3
- An old friend of yours is coming to call. - Oh?
#3 Recap of M*A*S*H Season 9 Episode 12 (S09E12) - 4
I was sure you'd Vesuvius all over my office.
#4 Recap of M*A*S*H Season 9 Episode 12 (S09E12) - 5
Winchester, you're letting that goat of yours get got again.
#5 Recap of M*A*S*H Season 9 Episode 12 (S09E12) - 6
Ergo, when he arrives...
#6 Recap of M*A*S*H Season 9 Episode 12 (S09E12) - 7
- Winchester, ten-hut! - [Whimpers]
#7 Recap of M*A*S*H Season 9 Episode 12 (S09E12) - 8
I do not need the wisdom of your experience. I am not selling watches from the trunk of a car.
#8 Recap of M*A*S*H Season 9 Episode 12 (S09E12) - 9
Surely you are not proposing Horace Baldwin's?
#9 Recap of M*A*S*H Season 9 Episode 12 (S09E12) - 10
Remember, to grow a beautiful rose, sometimes you gotta shovel a lot of manure.
#10 Recap of M*A*S*H Season 9 Episode 12 (S09E12) - 11
- It's a silly little test. - Of course it is. Perfectly meaningless.
#11 Recap of M*A*S*H Season 9 Episode 12 (S09E12) - 12
Listen, I'm a very complex person!
#12 Recap of M*A*S*H Season 9 Episode 12 (S09E12) - 13
- You're not gonna let go of this thing, are you? - How can I?
#13 Recap of M*A*S*H Season 9 Episode 12 (S09E12) - 14
- I'll bet. From which war are they left over, huh, Hawk? - Obviously the Korean War.
#14 Recap of M*A*S*H Season 9 Episode 12 (S09E12) - 15
and make some remarks, and they'd be cleverer than the ones you just made...
#15 Recap of M*A*S*H Season 9 Episode 12 (S09E12) - 16
- We don't have to take him alive, do we? - Of course we do.
#16 Recap of M*A*S*H Season 9 Episode 12 (S09E12) - 17
- It's wonderful to see you again. - Good to see you too.
#17 Recap of M*A*S*H Season 9 Episode 12 (S09E12) - 18
Colonel, nice to have you in our little corner of the war.
#18 Recap of M*A*S*H Season 9 Episode 12 (S09E12) - 19
I will? I will! Oh, I read you loud and clear, 0 Most Gracious Host. Consider him comfortable.
#19 Recap of M*A*S*H Season 9 Episode 12 (S09E12) - 20 #20 Recap of M*A*S*H Season 9 Episode 12 (S09E12) - 21
Hold it! I was the one who gave out that advice...
#21 Recap of M*A*S*H Season 9 Episode 12 (S09E12) - 22
Well, there was no way I could possibly have foreseen...
#22 Recap of M*A*S*H Season 9 Episode 12 (S09E12) - 23
As a matter of fact, I procured this... hooch in Tokyo.
#23 Recap of M*A*S*H Season 9 Episode 12 (S09E12) - 24
Yeah, Bean Town. Although more and more frequently...
#24 Recap of M*A*S*H Season 9 Episode 12 (S09E12) - 25
and actually pull ahead $5.14.
#25 Recap of M*A*S*H Season 9 Episode 12 (S09E12) - 26
I'm not gonna quit until I've taken you for everything you've got.
#26 Recap of M*A*S*H Season 9 Episode 12 (S09E12) - 27
you now owe me...
#27 Recap of M*A*S*H Season 9 Episode 12 (S09E12) - 28
London, Geneva, Tokyo.
#28 Recap of M*A*S*H Season 9 Episode 12 (S09E12) - 29
is not made of the same material as one's trousers.
#29 Recap of M*A*S*H Season 9 Episode 12 (S09E12) - 30
No fact-finding tour is successful...
#30 Recap of M*A*S*H Season 9 Episode 12 (S09E12) - 31
especially around 2330 hours.
#31 Recap of M*A*S*H Season 9 Episode 12 (S09E12) - 32
But you understand, this is not for me. It's for a shy friend.
#32 Recap of M*A*S*H Season 9 Episode 12 (S09E12) - 33 #33 Recap of M*A*S*H Season 9 Episode 12 (S09E12) - 34
Uh, I would like you to pay a little social call on a friend of mine.
#34 Recap of M*A*S*H Season 9 Episode 12 (S09E12) - 35
So, how's, uh, the Lord?
#35 Recap of M*A*S*H Season 9 Episode 12 (S09E12) - 36
Ten dollar.
#36 Recap of M*A*S*H Season 9 Episode 12 (S09E12) - 37 #37 Recap of M*A*S*H Season 9 Episode 12 (S09E12) - 38
Come right on in.
#38 Recap of M*A*S*H Season 9 Episode 12 (S09E12) - 39
What's up, Chuck? Generosity is not the "osity" you're best known for around here.
#39 Recap of M*A*S*H Season 9 Episode 12 (S09E12) - 40
It's a parting shot, you might say.
#40 Recap of M*A*S*H Season 9 Episode 12 (S09E12) - 41
Soliciting nurses to be nothing more than cheap concubines for immoral purposes!
#41 Recap of M*A*S*H Season 9 Episode 12 (S09E12) - 42 #42 Recap of M*A*S*H Season 9 Episode 12 (S09E12) - 43
Look, I swear, I have never laid eyes, or anything else, on this young lady before!
#43 Recap of M*A*S*H Season 9 Episode 12 (S09E12) - 44
Him Joe!
#44 Recap of M*A*S*H Season 9 Episode 12 (S09E12) - 45 #45 Recap of M*A*S*H Season 9 Episode 12 (S09E12) - 46
This is more than I can handle. I gotta get out of here before it gets any better.
#46 Recap of M*A*S*H Season 9 Episode 12 (S09E12) - 47
- and only went to Potter after I rejected her. - [Door Opens]
#47 Recap of M*A*S*H Season 9 Episode 12 (S09E12) - 48
Margaret, please.
#48 Recap of M*A*S*H Season 9 Episode 12 (S09E12) - 49
In an attempt to curry my favor in order to secure a promotion...
#49 Recap of M*A*S*H Season 9 Episode 12 (S09E12) - 50
well...
#50