Scrubs

The med students of Winston University finally find something to be thankful for when Cole identifies his true calling in surgery, Drew finds the love of his life, and Lucy finds the inspiration to become a doctor.

Could be a poem or a lightly choreographed dance number.

Test results came back clean. Your cancer's gone.

Well, I was thinking that maybe I got cancer for a reason.

It's boring and it sucks.

Last Halloween, I was a slutty ninja.

- You're happy, aren't you? - I don't know about happy,

This is a receipt for a pair of pants.

Cole, you're all up under me. You need to back up, all right?

Man, you gotta knock before you enter Cole's brain.

until he figured out that the penis wasn't actually one of them and quit.

I get it. Like episodes of Entourage that revolve around Turtle.

- You think you can handle it? - I'll stay here as long as it takes.

Yeah, I heard about that.

I mean, it'd be kind of like we're living together, you know?

because I'd done a bunch of research about Ben's life,

Uh... No. Can other people see that?

in South Carolina's third most popular vacation destination?

a den I hangout I place where we have dirty sex

I don't like this at all. I like things clean and simple.

Cole, I totally forgot about you. Have you been standing here all day?

Didn't I say that he has what it takes to be a surgeon?

That's awe-inspiring stuff.

and remove the fortune from this cookie without breaking it.

And out of nowhere, there could come a noise

Maybe they're super-smart government bears on their way to fight terrorism.

All you had to do was write one measly, little line about Ben,

Sadly, that's not a metaphor.

Fine. I'll do it myself.

I put this in so we can maintain our separate zones.

...while others have no problem telling you exactly what's on their mind.

And I just wanted to know if there's anything you wanted us to include.

Over the next 20 minutes,

I found a photo from when he rolled that perfect game on June 16, 1976.

A British tabloid?

I guess starting tomorrow I'll be shadowing you again.

Fair enough. I've come to clear up a point of confusion.

It's a series of erotic novelty wines.

Actually, he hasn't. He's still practicing.

Okay, so young Cole may not be an ideal protege.

And now, of course, I have young Drew.

who deserves and who wants our help. That's it.

so that you can just dive in and follow your heart?

Ben, I am very upset with you. You tricked me.

so they look like raisins, nature's saddest fruit, all shriveled and dry.

I'm yelling at Ben because I made this really beautiful tribute for him,

You have to learn to adjust

When Cole and Kelso both get negative results back after a few routine tests, they learn the hard way to put their egos in check in order to rein in the support of their so-called friends.

I really appreciate you taking time to check me out.

in the last couple months?

Having him move my car, I'll have you know,

I'm in charge of you, and by the transitive property,

I can do whatever I want, and you just have to stand and nod

Dr. Turk, I've got scurvy and rickets.

Well, actually, the mole on your chest is something we need to check out.

How'd you know it was gonna be malignant?

Hey, that kind of cancer is for uglies

So, just fill my prescription for blue steel and I'll be on my way.

Hey, what's up? Nothing. I was just about to grab some yogurt.

- Hello. - Number One,

- Yeah, is that all right? - No, yeah, that's fine. Go.

We got him from a Navajo rescue center.

Yeah.

He's been generous enough to let us use his case as a teaching tool.

- That doesn't even make any sense. - You don't make sense.

Hitching rides with students was not working out.

she can pick up the scent of glitter

I'm gonna go get another one. I'll be back in five minutes, okay?

taking pictures of puffins, whatever the hell those are.

All right, I guess it's cool if they come.

I'm sorry. Denise was going through something.

This one thinks that just because you're having emotionless intercourse,

for the steely caress of your cold robot pincers.

It's already been 10 minutes, what's 15 more?

It's got to be pretty hard on you.

You know what, Bob? Find your own way home.

Oh.

he shows me his abs and says, "Ask them."

Med student, but, like, 900 years old?

you can feel surprisingly abandoned.

I went to the campus store and got some things to cheer you up.

because you are gonna hoot, hoot, hoot...

Okay, I don't care about stuff that's already happened.

What's crazy is thinking that you could cheer me up.

Come on, Lucy! Judge Mathis?

And since, according to you, we're not real friends,

Dr. Kelso?

I'll tell you what'll make you feel better.

You two are my closest relationships in this place.

and it's like I'm teaching Yasir Arafat.

Remember when you gave Maya that two-page list of careers

Sorry your mom couldn't make it. She's a hell of a woman.

So, where are your friends?

Lucy takes her new assignment as hell week "team leader" a bit too seriously, and Dr. Turk feels threatened when an internationally renowned surgeon pays a visit.

All right, why does this always have to fall on me? I don't have the plan.

about doctoring in the Third World called Rebel Without a Co-Pay.

he raises millions for the hospital.

- where status is everything. - It's not everything.

Hey.

Doctor Cox, your patient in three is septic.

I don't want to be a leader. I just want to be a good doctor.

Why don't you go and Russell up your own case?

Here are the case histories for your group projects.

mind-numbing incompetence and petty emotional problems.

on becoming the amazing doctor I know you can be.

That's Swahili for "Hello" or "Good morning."

It's just that Russell ticks me off, you know?

it's going to be a dude who could breathe underwater or Serena Williams.

- Hey, there, you. - Afternoon, good sir.

and I once made love with tennis great Pete Sampras.

Lucy, this is a waste of time. I'm taking over the group.

and I felt it happening again.

Ha, ha, ha!

- Hey, there, again. - Hey, how's it going.

silence plays a crucial part of a couple's search

- May I? - Dude. You...

I come up on the weekends when I feel like bringing the hurt.

Best girl fight I've seen since I paid those two lady janitors to wrestle.

That was a real Maasai warrior dance. You got moves like that?

- Beatbox, son! - I guess I can try.

No, keep it going! Keep it going! One leg. Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

- Russell. Who's named Russell? - A ton of people.

Whether it's being bested by a rival...

Look, after months of self-doubt, I have finally found my role here.

Couldn't you just come back? Please. We need you. I need you.

What? You don't need to worry about us, buddy boy.

Yes, yes, I picked you to help me with Irene's surgery.

I mean, if you just open up your eyes and let me in, Turk. Let me in.

You. Now, just exactly what in the hell were you doing in there? Come on.

In fact, I'm the king of the parasites.

Son, you're a leader.

Yeah. I've seen your work. Very impressive.

A case of guilty conscience plagues the med school when a student cheats on an exam and Dr. Cox takes it out on the entire class. Meanwhile, Denise makes a startling admission of her own.

Strawberry frosting? Nice.

I'm gonna just assume that was the frosting talking

Hello, again. Yeah, you know what?

Perry, I thought we agreed you wouldn't page me during lunch

All right, then. Books down, murderers.

You can't call shotgun on a person.

- I said I've got it from here, Todd. - Okay.

that I can maintain a certain level of calm

I'm so sorry, it's really hard to get her off the phone.

I'm guessing the latter.

that makes staying in here really horrible for me?

Are you uncomfortable around lesbians?

We're going on vacation next week to lbiza with a bunch of our girlfriends.

Yeah, I'm fine. I was just thinking about my family vacation to Ohio.

Damn, Trang, you are impervious to pain.

Shea butter and big, floppy sun hats.

Yes. Me telling you I love you makes me a 19th-century dandy.

Doing my test prep, okay?

We'll just treat her with steroids, then.

Hey, forget this, man. What about you?

Yeah, but then if it doesn't work out, I'll have to kill him,

Hey, you never told us why you were in the bathroom.

- That's not how it works, genius. - Why are you lying, Drew?

You always put yourself at risk

Yes, there is, but with your preexisting conditions, surgery could prove fatal.

Oh! I get it. Her face is busted, right?

That's a magic land where the rivers run of scotch

No! No, and I wouldn't call it a cult.

Please, tell me you've got some good news for me on this godforsaken day.

I knew one day that example would make sense.

If only there was a way to learn more about her.

This is Denise. Leave a message after the stupid beep.

Boom. Twist.

Is this why you don't want to take steroids?

That's the word I was looking for. "Partner."

And because this is so noble, I'm gonna walk out in dramatic slo-mo.

I wanted a win.

That's one of Carla's girlfriends.

Look at those two right there.

The reality of having a baby begins to settle in for both J.D. and Elliot while Lucy struggles with the reality of operating on people.

Do you think it's okay if we skip tonight?

- Well, I've not pooped in a week. - Ah!

probably a sunrise or a hilarious e-card,

You two, come on, now. Nobody wins at cancer.

It's behind me, isn't it?

- He died. She got nothing. - Burt died?

giving it away to any guy that would buy her a free steak.

No, no, Todd, neither one of us is going to be having sex.

All right? You're not gonna have sex for a long, long, long, long time.

- She'll have the baby to cuddle with. - That little bastard.

with Elliot after the baby came,

Yep. Nothing like a girl with a little junk in the front.

You've had a few too many.

Hey, just babymoon it, dude.

- we haven't really connected yet. - No.

- Okay, that sounded weird. - You know what else is weird,

My wife is making me do a will,

but there is no way that succubus is gonna get my recliner after I die.

You're not crying, are you?

Med students are told to keep a cadaver's face covered

Lucy, we're friends. It would be an honor.

Like a plant, so that it'll, you know, grow.

You didn't see me, all right? I wasn't here.

right before your baby comes out of your special area.

We'll be like gods controlling the weather.

Jordan, I can't sign a will right now. As usual, please don't call me back.

Or a tiny exam that's a whopping 25% of your final grade.

I'm sorry, Dr. Turk, I can't do this.

You probably already picked out

J.D., I know that some couples

Okay, I don't have time for this.

I want you to meet me in the O.R. In an hour.

I mean, around here, you just can't let your work

- Fine. I'm gonna tell him you said that. - No! No! No!

I do. I love the attention.

If Barbie will not listen to what's good for her,

Let me tell you about my friend, Jake.

So, why are we going to be looking into your friend's guts?

This is just some dude with appendicitis.

You know, you always think you're gonna have just a little more time.

but you couldn't hear because you're married to him.

Look, you know this is what I do before big, life-changing events.

and I didn't mean to ruin the babymoon.

Lucy finds couplings, dysfunctional or not, throughout the hospital

Yeah, this makes sense.

He and Eriq La Salle still go to the same church.

until eventually the disease renders you helpless

Our presentation is at 7:00 a.m.

Yeah, and he's always making light of my family

That ain't right.

Hiya.

like an old couple cruising the sad folks' home.

- Oh, a big turkey leg. - And a pie. A lemon pie.

No, come on, please. He listens to you.

Look at you guys. Chief of Medicine, Chief of Surgery.

with one thing in particular. Dr. Turk, do you have anything to add?

it's gonna show the best way for me to handle it is surgically.

Let's handle this like men.

- Yeah, I mean, the kicking, the insults. - Skipping maintenance checks.

I hear Rebecca B. Has sex with multiple partners. What?

And since the only thing I hate more than entitled little pukes

Okay. Okay, just give me a second to talk to Dr. Cox, all right?

No. I'm right and you're wrong, and you damn sure are doing it

Okay, hopefully all that stuff with Cole and Drew has just blown over

Can we finally talk about the fact that you and Cole are sleeping together?

No can do. I gotta take a walk to clear my head,

- What? - We are never going to learn anything

I need you to go find out who has the cart.

Oh, you know what's embarrassing? That you're ashamed to be with me.

Okay, you're wishy-washy, you're obsessed with horses,

I did it because I'm proud that a girl like you

I don't have the core muscles to ride that bitch.

I'm sorry, cart. I'm sorry I scuff you up, I'm sorry I take you for granted,

- He's a great listener. - Why?

Just my first thought. I'm still working out the rest.

- You like him, you crazy white girl. - But it's Cole.

- Absolutely. - Right.

Came to get your licks in, huh? I get it. I damn sure deserve it.

Before receiving their white coats, the med students of Winston University must figure out why they want to be doctors, and Denise gets a little relationship help from Elliot.

Well, there's really only one question.

to drum you out of this med school.

Once again, it's you versus me.

They say it's actually a lot like giving birth.

Brother speaks French! That's a bromance language, y'all!

- How do you know? - Trust me, I know.

watching old White Coat speeches, cherry-picking the best parts for mine.

- Dude, we are exactly the same. - We are not the same.

Dr. Cox.

Boo!

to accommodate all major underachievers...

- You have a sec? - Yeah. What do you want to do?

- I know... ...just what to do.

Denise, like it or not, you're in a relationship.

So, to make Drew happy I have to start wearing tutus and prom dresses?

Why do you want to be a doctor?

Oh, hey, wait, I want to talk to you. Your academic record is impeccable,

Who knows why we do the things we do?

I don't want to be the keynote speaker, but thanks.

- Something with Drew. - And a cat?

Hey! I have something to say. I don't need to be keynote speaker!

- Something people said in the '90s. - Cool people?

How could this be any worse?

- I don't even want to think about it. - What the hell is wrong with Cole?

- Come with me. - I'm with a patient.

In my head it wasn't God, it was a genie.

Look, there's Lucy. Hey, Lucy.

"You ask me if I have a God complex. I am God!" Boom! We're in.

- Why am I scrubbing in again? - The OR's a safe place.

The psychologist called it "an unbalanced act,"

because you're worried you're becoming that guy again?

Then maybe you should stop looking for the perfect answer

I was so focused on the abdomen that I blew the cosmesis of the incision.

What? No. I mean, I guess I'd like to see you like that sometime,

While Turk struggles to find a replacement best friend, Elliott offers some sound advice and guidance to an over-worked and exhausted Lucy.

Oh, my God.

Now then, today we will be looking at patients with pancreatic disorders.

- Bunch of crap to do. You cool here? - No, just a second. You're leaving?

But for reals, I gotta split.

Number One, remind me again why I can't kill him.

Okay, class, I want to thank Miss Bennett

- Now, that's not a lung. - Dr. Turk, please...

Let's see what's next. Oh, she's back! Back in action!

You all right?

Who?

- Who? - Childhood friend.

Maybe my problem is that I've been trying to do too much.

That's you. A dumb, quiet shadow.

She went toe-to-toe with Dr. Cox.

J.D., what's wrong? Yes, sweetie. Turk misses you, too.

Oh, yeah. Much better. Take that.

but also, so skinny.

All right, class, we're looking for evidence of disease or abnormality.

Denise, could you please handle this? I've had a really bad day.

Grades, participation, grunt work. Everyone sees it.

What's with the lame writing on your ass? Is that, like, a surgeon thing?

- Where? Did he wear his pants? - Sucker. I lied. I love them.

We need to get you a new work buddy, like, today.

You're totally the kind of doctor I want to be when I get super-old.

my sister Maureen is freaking out about her bachelorette party.

and I just pictured you as my little sister and I'm starting to lose it.

and there's bound to be some barking, right?

If my dad reads I'm at the bottom, he might lose it and cut me off.

Look, I can't just move you up in the rankings based on nothing.

So, did he buy the whole newsletter-rankings nonsense?

I'm sorry. Did you just say "physically"?

How you doing, Kate?

Sometimes it's a replacement for the irreplaceable...

Work sucks.

- Oh, isn't it terrible? - Awful.

So, I said to the lady,

to help me out with the sisters. Get my swirl on.

Hey. You came here with me. Why are you talking to her?

Volunteering at physical therapy. I'm stretching Mr. Biegel's hamstring.

were you referring to Richard Belzer's beloved detective character

- No filter, huh? - Nope.

Hey, Dr. Cox. I just finished cleaning that guy's foot ulcer.

I want you to do a manual rectal disimpactation.

J.D. still clamors for Dr. Turk's approval as he approaches his final day of teaching at Sacred Heart, Lucy searches within herself for the courage to perform a basic medical procedure on a real human, and Denise and Drew make things official.

Yeah, and tell them Dr. D sent you. You'll get a little extra whip.

- I'm gonna need a minute. - Turk, no.

Dynamite work. But here's the thing there.

Some people go on retreats. I flick the dead.

I still remember my one line. "No, thank you. I don't like soup."

I don't know how, but that knocked the wind out of me.

"Mesmerizing," "Hilarious,"

You cannot get under my skin today. Not with reviews like these.

Tell me a hundred times.

Dude, I hope you paged me 'cause you came to your senses

All right, I'm in, but you're buying me a magnifying glass.

It's too late. If she talks to me, shoot me.

- I guess. - Yes!

Mmm. Sorry, baby. No can do. Doc says I got tiny baby veins.

He's dealt with worse. He came to this country on a boat made of tires.

trying to solve The Mystery of the Feelings Hurter.

It just sounded cooler. We're in.

- Hey! So, what's the plan for tonight? - Drew doesn't want to go.

is not even wearing the pants in her very own relationship.

And make no mistake about it. Early victories are huge.

Damn, why didn't I get one of those for me?

Well, come in or shut the door. You're letting all the funk out.

I can't do it. I'm never gonna be able to do it.

I can't get with a gal in the same bed I shared with Enid.

I know you don't give a damn about what students think,

Just lure them there with something young people like,

It's just that I'm working a case right now,

Thank you.

So who gave Dr. Dorian a negative review?

Jeremy. Of course I suspected you.

Perry?

but maybe I wanted you to see just how ridiculous you truly are,

sooner or later you gotta let go of their hands.

I told them they couldn't sit with us.

Why are you acting like we're in some big, serious relationship?

You know what? I'm into it if you are.

That vein didn't stand a chance. I owned that bitch.

- and I will take some blood. - What are you doing?

While their wives are out of town, J.D. and Turk attend a med student's party; Kelso says goodbye to Ted and Gooch.

Because you're their faculty student advisor.

- Yeah, you guys coming to my party? - Yes.

I've spent the last three weekends finishing up community service.

But the Gooch and I are gonna take some time off and tour the country.

To Alabama

I'm making quesadillas.

He just fell from the ceiling. We're not gonna address that?

Sixties? Seventies? Eighties? Nineties? The future?

I am getting so much better at making friends.

Tonight we're trying a little exercise in team building.

Now hold my pepper jack, please.

So you get to gargle. Gargle, gargle.

But let me make this very clear, no one leaves until you're all done.

In the great state of Wyoming

It's okay. I didn't always treat Teddy very well.

I killed the cowboy then took his chaps. I'm also a sheriff.

Maybe no one'll notice. Let's just try and blend in.

Shut your face, Frank. I was gonna tell them about the salsas.

Hey! It's Special K. How it is?

but I've never had this kind of power before,

We have to ask them 25 questions? This is gonna take forever.

It’ll be quick and easy, and then we can get to Cole's party.

I got you. Now you owe me an answer.

Well, I guess it's time for a little goodbye toast.

Eleven seconds. You beat your record.

He wasn't even intrigued by my bear-hibernation question.

Well, not only have we been letting them know...

What up?

and tell me the five lamest people that you see.

Other times it gets right up in your grill.

You know what? Do whatever you want.

I can't believe I let you sew my eye up after all the soda you had.

- Yes, we... That's what we were... - Yeah. Yes.

But we decided as a group that we can live with ourselves.

one of the most memorable nights I've ever had as a doctor.

even though Paul wasn't gonna talk to any of us.

- How did you get him to talk? - We had a conversation.

Come on, talk to us.

I've been your whipping boy for eight years,

That's not relevant right now, it's just always on my mind.

Hey, my buddy killed a guy once.

J.D. and Drew learn a tough lesson in mentoring when Dr. Cox and Lucy show them that sometimes the student is the teacher.

You really brought it today.

I tried med school before, and I crashed and burned, okay?

Well, my hair is falling out in clumps,

But you also need to... Branch out. nailed it!

Hey, perry, you wanna hang out later? Sure. And if we can't find any more climbing trees,

That's right. We have cameras everywhere.

Help me shake this machine. Dr. Mahoney,

Instantly change your entire personality? I guess I could try.

Okay,tearing it up, sir. No, don't--don't tear up your money.

Cheers.

Cox and I were drinking beer and watching sports--

You know what? No. No, we're not going there. Excuse me, dr. Dorian.

I just feel like I'm being replaced.

I'm sorry, white bread. I'm not currently looking for

Uh, I think I'm on your tube.

I was like, "whoo-hoo! Let's have a party!"

Take mrs. Maroney down for her m.R.I.

we get it, drew. You got a very muscular neck.

You should be asleep. She should be asleep!

this thing is so complicated.

We do an a.C.T.H. Stimulation test to diagnose--

But if you want these chips, I might dislocate my shoulder.

Who would like tdive in? I'm on this.

Now tell me which nurse should go get the crash cart? Huh?

Bring him back to her room.

of course, if you let someone down...

Than pretending to like beer.

Here I thought we weren't bringing our wives this evening.

It was a long story. Another time.

All the time I wasted on people who eventually let me down.

I don't know

Hey.

And fornicating.

Come on. It'll be fun.

Either on their own or in a box,

They are god's most majestic creatures.

I need to change that. What do you want from me?

He's never gonna change it. I wish I could help.

But right now I'm ready for a little

I'm dr. Wolverine.

If you want to beat the level,

What the hell are you wearing? I'm showing my owlcat spirit.

Lucy learns a hard earned lesson about what it takes to be a doctor. Meanwhile J.D. and Turk spot a potential love connection between Denise and the new med student, Drew, as they play matchmakers with a little bit of help from Dr. Kelso.

Centerfold, your previous answer was so wrong, it almost became right again.

- I guess my contagious stupidity. - Great call. Your ears.

- Me. - I do.

are a metaphor for the cardiovascular system.

but this time there appear to be many bees.

No. This feels like sharing. And it's gross.

- Dude. Again? - Finally. Where have you been?

- Can't we just shake the tree again? - Go shake.

Sorry, I was just hiding from one of my teachers.

and make four copies.

Broken ribs and a possible ruptured spleen? Was Mr. Evans in an accident?

Mr. Shershow here is in a massive coma.

No, I wish. My mom is lactose intolly. For real though, she is the best.

I know people like Alan. I grew up with them.

I mean, I've been nude, but I never look down.

- Are you okay? - I'm not great, Alan.

- What? - Denise, you're scary.

- How? - You guys had sex near The Todd.

Wow. I mean, my forehead's really big and I look Chinese,

It's like if Fonzie and Jo from The Facts of Life

Fonzie couldn't take care of a Gremlin. He's too busy being cool.

Yes, falsetto

And that was the beginning of a long line of "no's."

I see a med student getting involved with a patient

It's scary to put yourself out there.

- Maybe talk a little. - Oh!

let me just say that if Alan goes to rehab...

So in the future when I tell you to do nothing,

And rest in peace.

if you can raise the money to send Alan to a rehab center.

- Want the rest of my nachos? - Oh, hell, yeah!

What car? Full-body-wax-five. Buff away, ladies.

Because of the other night when we shared the nachos.

was an Eskimo boy who sold me salmon jerky and painkillers.

And the only reason I teach is so I don't have to be alone in my house.

- Uh... - Oh!

I knew I'd just changed Alan's life,

Antonio Sabato Jr., my safely ethnic dreamboat.

J.D., Turk, Cox, Kelso and intern Denise return to Sacred Heart to teach med school, while new med students Lucy, Drew, Cole and Maya are put through the wringer on their first day of school.

go ahead and take a pinkie or an ear as a trophy.

I've never spoken to any of these people.

I guess I should answer any annoying questions you all have.

Speaking of which, little administrative thing.

Whoops, that feels more like my private-time area.

In my class, you will each be graded by the color of your skin.

and then ran to see each other!

- Hey, Dr. Turk. - Not now, Denise.

When was the last time you guys saw each other?

Onward, eagle!

But we're always gonna inspire each other.

I feel like I can say the worst is over.

- You look like you could use a grape. - Thanks, Ben, I really could.

And I call her 19 because instead of using your names,

- What? - The anterior cerebral artery.

- I'm sorry about the grape thing. - Don't sweat it, 42.

- I don't. My name is Ilyavich. - Mike, just go.

You know, you think you're so hot, but I'm not a fan.

- Hey, should we be taking notes? - That's a good question, fellow.

I'm not a big fan of the TAs doing a lot of speaking, Denise. Okay?

First one bringing me a med student gets a juicy bone. He gets a juicy bone.

What is it called when tuberculosis affects the spine?

But just a stunningly horrible job, nonetheless.

So, great first day, everybody. Who wants to keep this party going?

Maybe you could, I don't know, not do that.

Are we locked down to that, or can we keep spitballing here?

I got us all these glow-in-the-dark necklaces

Come on, let's go get a beer.

The truth is, the harshest words are the ones we say about ourselves.

To cheer myself up, I made what I think is a great decision.

Notice any resemblance? Symmetric features, strong jaw?

- Puh-ching. - Don't you "puh-ching" me!

Now, can you make that out?

Why do you have to lash out, Perry?

and I kind of felt connected to him.

who could fly up and rescue me from all this.

That is a very graphic naked picture of you.