Aired 22 years ago - May 18, 1997
When Bart is sent to military school after playing a prank on the town, Lisa decides to join him... as the school's only girl cadet.
It's not my nature to complain,
but so far today...
- [Police Radio Chatter]
- Uh, this is a police radio...
- [Chair Squeaks]
- [Wiggum Sighs]
[Bart's Voice Echoing]
- You know, you do have options.
- [Lawn Mower Humming]
Military school is a good idea.
- [Tires Squeal]
- lf, uh, that happens...
- They're just children, Mr. Simpson.
- [Scoffs] I guess.
- And so am I.
- [Homer, Marge Gasp]
Hmm. In our 185 years,
we have never had a female cadet.
I wanna quit and come home.
First of all, Franklin,
you are no longer the girliest cadet here.
Is there any answer I can give
that won't result in more push-ups?
I don't think
I can survive here, Lise.
- Had enough?
- [Both Groaning]
so we'll start you off
with something a little more advanced.
Too bad it doesn't
run in your family.
I am just calling home.
- [Stops Ringing]
I guess he won the argument,
but I walked away with the turnips.
Anyway, other people need to use the phone.
Oh, gee, Lise, I'd love to,
but this really isn't a good time.
and she wrote some of the most beautiful poetry
the world has ever known.
But these skills are nothing
without courage and stamina.
That's a 150-foot
[Boy] Hey, Bart, come on over here.
There's plenty of room.
It's too hard. My hand is slipping.
- Nothin'? Doesn't look like nothin'.
- Bees? [Screams]
- [Bird Squawks]
Aired 22 years ago - May 11, 1997
Troy McClure presents three Simpsons spinoff spoofs: In "Chief Wiggum, P.I.," Chief Wiggum becomes a New Orleans detective. Next, Grampa Simpson's soul is trapped inside Moe's Love tester machine in "The Love-Matic Grampa." Finally, the Simpson family hosts a '70s-style variety show.
juggling a career and a family
like so many juggling balls.
So, Skinner, who do you figure threw
that skull through my window?
if he messes with
Chief Wiggum, P.I. again.
Hey! Oh, God!
Listen up, Big Daddy! You don't scare me!
I'm three steps ahead of you!
Looks like we've got our
first case ever, Skinny Boy.
Big Daddy! What have you
done with my boy, Daddy?
Nah, it's not really a party town.
The chief! Ooh,
I suppose I'd best to run!
Won't nobody gonna mess with me.
I got interests.
He's gradually getting away, Chief.
Let's hope so, because Moe's
leaving to do his own sitcom.
I was. But I've come back as
your love testing machine.
- What kind of a son-
- [Electricity Crackles]
- "Go near Moe." I'd say that's
a pretty strong endorsement.
- [Audience Cheering]
- You did it, Grampa! You really are a love expert!
Yeah, yeah, yeah, romantic.
Uh, ain't sunshine pretty? Ain't flowers stupid?
Myself. Uh, geez.
- You all right, Grampa?
- ## [Singing Slowly]
- and twice as fragrant!
I ain't too good at talking to women,
and I really wanted to do ya...
But, Betty, it you'd just
give me a chance-What?
- [Both Laughing]
- [Audience Laughing, Applauding]
Unfortunately, one family member didn't
want that chance and refused to participate.
and the Springfield
Baggy Pants Players.
Sophomore prom queen
five years running. Go, Lisa!
- Here he is!
- I'm hiding from th-th-the ghost!
- ## [Ends]
Hey, would you two
close the "dam" door?
- In a minute, Homie. I have to get the door.
- But, Marge!
I move that the last sketch be stricken from
the record. Now bring in the next offender.
Sweet, sweet candy!
Aired 22 years ago - May 04, 1997
A hardworking new employee at the power plant is consumed with resentment at Homer's undeserved success.
I didn't even know what
a nuclear "panner" plant was.
you can sleep and no one will ever know.
Mmm, how about "Mitzi"?
- No bids for item 751?
- A buck.
It's filthy- and it's mine.
Oh! A five 13.
I don't know. Pigs tend to chew.
I've never seen him do any work
around here. What is his job?
Stop laughing, you imbecile.
- So straighten up and fly right.
- But, sir, if I could-
As hard as it is to believe, some
people don't care for me neither.
Yeah, okay, gimme that.
Gimme it back.
There's always a first time.
No. No. He doesn't know
he's coming to dinner.
Welcome to the Simpson residence...
- My daughter Lisa- I.Q. 156.
I don't know. Don't ask me how
the economy works.
Oh! And here's a picture of me
in outer space.
And what do you have to show for
your lifetime of sloth and ignorance?
I think we both know
the answer to that.
Better be careful, Bart.
Look at those warning signs.
Homer? Homer, why aren't you at work?
You'll have to face him
sometime, and when you do...
It's about him being a crazy nut.
Sincerely, Homer Simpson.
Accidents have doubled every year
since he became safety inspector.
that Homer Simpson has
the intelligence of a six-year-old.
- How'd you like to be night watchman?
- But I'm sleepy.
At least I've done
better than Dad.
Wow. I wonder where
all the rats are gonna go.
Thank you. Get out.
Where's the heart?
- Hey, shh!
- You're making us miss the contest.
Aired 22 years ago - Apr 27, 1997
Disturbed that Reverend Lovejoy has lost interest in counseling parishioners, Marge volunteers as the "Listen Lady." Meanwhile, Homer sees his likeness on a box of Japanese detergent.
- It's your life. We'll bring you back somethin' nice.
Sermons about constancy and "prudissitude"
are all very well and good...
I found a Malibu Stacy
with no head.
- [Bart] Maybe it's a box from the future!
- [Lisa] It looks Japanese.
And you wouldn't believe how many
dead pigeons there were in the organ.
- All right.
- Mother's gone too far.
- [Dial Tone]
- Reverend, I hate to say this...
to feel bad about themselves.
Well, sit down and rap with me, brother.
That's what I'm here for.
[Ned] Well, l- I think I may
be coveting my own wife.
But you can't let a few bad experiences
sour you on helping people.
Yeah, well, listen, lady.
I got so many problems...
Wow! You're good. Thanks.
- I don't know. Guilt?
- [Scoffs] Volunteering is for suckers.
Where did it come from? What is it
a box of? How'd my face get on it?
Hi, hi, hi. Bye. Hi.
He boasts that he will banish dirt
to the land of wind and ghosts.
Now he's coming over
I cook him a big
- I send you premium. Answer question 100%.
- [Bell Tolling]
- [People Chattering]
To inspire men,
you must be brave.
and that's the lamest reply
I've ever heard.
Marge, people say you've got a real knack
for solving problems.
Look! We got a package from
the Mr. Sparkle Company in Japan.
- We are home.
- That was fast.
- Hello. Listen Lady.
- Uh, I'm in some hot soup here, Marge.
Hey, let's go over to the one-hour photo
and breathe some fumes.
but things have gotten-
well, th-they're, uh, a lot worse.
Oh, all right. Let me talk to them.
Put me on with the lead boy.
Um, did your husband
come home last night?
- Ned, where are you?
- Well, I can't see the name of the station...
- I see lots of stuff.
- Did you see that?
Hey! Mr. Sparkaru!
Aired 22 years ago - Apr 20, 1997
Financially ruined, Mr. Burns turns to Lisa for help in building a recycling business. Lisa believes he's changed, but his new business venture takes a shocking new direction.
- But nature's not our enemy.
- Well, surely you agree we can do without her.
I, uh- l-
It's, uh, uh, steady.
Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no.
A half ton of newspaper,
and all we get is 75 cents?
- [All] Yes.
- Every move a right one.
- A-And your house, sir.
- But... what will I do?
- Go on. Get out of here.
- Oh, don't listen to him, sir.
You've got an enchanting musk.
Uh, would it be all right
if I kept this portrait?
and I shall tell you a tale.
Uh, attention, everybody.
Ah. Here's a chance to earn my keep.
- I am riding on a bus.
- Hey. Aren't you that guy everybody hates?
Um- Oh, excuse me. Could you tell me
where I might find the Burns O's?
Oh. Thank you, shoppie. l-
He's, uh, talking
to the ketchup now.
Wh-Where are you taking me?
That's about all the recycling-
[Hiccups] I can handle today.
That's the activity room.
We're not allowed in there.
So this is how
the Monty Burns saga ends.
- They angry up the blood.
- You! The troublemaking girl.
Sir, I'm so sorry
my grocer committed you.
and I want your daughter
to help make me rich again.
I've realized the error
of my ways, Lisa.
- Nothing evil.
- Nothing evil.
You mean there are
There's a can.
C. Montgomery Burns...
Excellent. I'm on my way
back to the top.
You guys shouldn't laugh at him.
Mr. Burns has changed. He's different now.
I've got my own business again,
my beloved employees.
I'll take you to the most
duck-filled pond you ever sat by.
Oh, ain't that cute?
and the windows are from
the old liquor bottles we collected.
Oh, hold your accolades
till the end of the tour.
a million sewn together
will catch a million fish.
Oh, a spoonful of slurry
will cure what ails ya.
And not a single
sea creature was wasted.
You convinced us it was good.
Aired 22 years ago - Apr 13, 1997
When Bart can't pay the credit card bill for his expensive new purebred dog, the repo men unwittingly take Santa's Little Helper.
You're just the dog
that keeps on giving, aren't ya?
to defeatJesse Owens
at the 1936 Olympic games.
What good's a credit card
if you can't even use it?
Mom, this is for you- 15 pounds
of Vancouver smoked salmon.
[Sniffs] Oh! It smells like salmon too.
A frying pan radio! Wow!
[Man, Japanese Accent] You a winner!
Ha-ha-ha! You a winner! Ha-ha-ha!
[Clicks Tongue] Oh, boy.
Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Uh-oh. Uh-oh.
Quite possibly the world's best dog."
That's not Santa's Little Helper!
He's some kind of super dog!
Hey, where'd he go?
[Man] Hello, Mr. Halper. I'm calling from
Money Bank Credit Services Department.
Now, when can I tell my supervisor,
Mr. Robinson, to expect payment?
Laddie, hide behind that bush there!
Hey, stop! You can take back
the bassinet, but the baby's ours!
Yeah. That's him, all right.
We wrecked the first dog.
We've gotta treat this one right.
Besides, he's happy just hanging
around the house with Bart.
She just needs a little-
[Clicks Tongue] attention.
But why did I have the bowl, Bart?
Why did I have the bowl?
- In you go!
I gotta find out where
he's keeping these.
Boy, we sure could use
a dog like that on the force!
You got oatmeal all over.
- I gave him away.
- What's the matter, Bart?
Weren't you happy with him?
I gave him away too,
and I don't know where he is.
isn't gonna bring him back...
I almost had him eatin' dog food.
- Hey, next time pay your bills.
- But I don't want to!
- She thinks she swallowed a Band-Aid.
Oh, I see. You hate him,
so you gave him to the church.
That's him, all right.
I'll be happy to take him off your hands.
My name is Bart Simpson.
I have to talk to you about your dog.
- You're the guy who owns the dog?
- Yup. His name's Sprinkles.
I can't promise I'll try,
but I'll try to try.
- [Liquid Splashing]
Who's there? I can take you on!
You want to try me? Come on!
- Your dog?
Aired 22 years ago - Apr 06, 1997
Bart discovers Principal Skinner and Mrs. Krabappel kissing, and it's not long before the whole town knows of their secret affair.
- l-I don't follow you.
- Oh! Just sit down, Seymour.
It's amazing. If you just write
to them and ask them nicely-
not to play
in the neighbor's yard!
- [Children Shrieking]
- More tea, Edna?
- What kind of little boy has a tea set?
- And your laugh.
- You mean, "Ha"?
## [Romantic Strings]
Oh, thank you.
It's just brown and water.
What Seymour- Oh! What Principal Skinner
means to say, Bart...
the principal was dating a teacher,
they might see it as a conflict of interest.
and some other student can inherit
your gloomy, windblown future.
- [Laughs] Of course.
Even though I didn't want to.
And now that I haven't...
I don't think I have to tell you
it's for her eyes only.
I'll go get him right now.
[Hoarsely] Car keys! Car keys! Car keys!
- [Car Door Slamming]
- You think they actually filmed this in Atlanta?
So, I need you to keep
her busy for a few hours...
You wouldn't happen to have
any real cakes around here, would you?
- Okay. That one.
- Mrs. Krabappel...
- Thank you, Bart. That was very sweet.
Now Martin's scoring off me.
Oh, that is it!
Father! Uncle Apu! A teacher was
in the closet with the principal.
They were naked in the closet together.
[Chuckling] And I saw one of the babies.
And the baby looked at me.
Now, I'm going to give you a choice. You can
give up this tawdry, fulfilling relationship...
Well, I'm sorry.
But I can't give up the woman I love.
I'm just a man.
Bart, I want to apologize...
Wait! You don't have to leave just because
Superintendent Chalmers told you to.
We're not going anywhere! I'm gonna do what
Bart should've told me to do a long time ago!
But an even more interesting story has
developed high atop this two-story school.
Do you know where the remote is?
I looked all over the house.
## [Big Band]
- [Relays Clicking]
- ## [Continues]
Then let us take our case directly
to the townspeople.
- What are you going to do?
- I'm going to go out there...
Hey, wait a minute!
Those are hot dogs! Armour Hot Dogs!
to choose between their
careers and their hearts!
My child told me you two were
having sex in the school janitor's closet.
Aired 22 years ago - Mar 16, 1997
When Prohibition is revived in Springfield, Homer and Bart supply the town with alcohol.
Come on. Don't be stuck-up.
It's going to be great.
- Yea, Bart!
What are you lookin' at?
the antiquated notion of prohibition?
It tastes great,
makes women appear more attractive...
Uh, uh, uh, wait. Lookee here.
Read the other one,
the non-duck one.
Eh- Oh, my.
No, we're not worried.
Our customers buy Duff...
Well, that's the end of me.
Glad you're finally
back in business, Moe.
Uh, election in November.
Election in November.
I'm running this department now.
- Say, this is nice.
But without beer,
prohibition doesn't work.
Sounds like you have a plan.
We're going out, Marge!
If we don't come back, avenge our deaths!
I don't think
it had broken axles before.
Oh! I'm not gonna lie to you, Marge.
- Gee, Homer, you sure do suck tonight.
- Yeah, suck like a fox!
You see, boy?
The real money's in bootlegging...
that mysterious Beer Baron who's been
supplying Springfield with alcohol.
and this is the cleverest thing
he's ever done.
- [All] Yeah!
- All right.
continued to thumb his nose
- Just get me some booze, and fast!
- Make it, eh?
That's even more illegal
than what you were doing before.
Who wants a bathtub mint julep?
- Are you the Beer Baron?
- Yes, but only by night.
Homer, there's no point in pretending
you're making those noises.
- I'll be right back.
Oh, well, fun's over.
Come on! Give me the dough!
I can throw this pretty hard!
by beating him at his own game?
- What about the Beer Baron?
that former Police Chief Wiggum
has captured the Beer Baron.
Aired 22 years ago - Mar 02, 1997
Lisa has a stellar reputation as a babysitter, but when Homer and Marge leave her in charge of Bart and Maggie, everything starts going wrong.
They must've kneeled in the wrong place
and prayed to the wrong god...
Oh, gee, I'd really love
to want to help you, Flanders...
But I'm smart and responsible,
and my parents will be right next door.
We just move one space at a time.
It's less fun that way.
And thank you for sending Lisa
to protect us from the bug you sent.
Yes, he had a brother robot named Rod,
who was two space years older than him.
So long, Lisa!
If anything goes wrong, just dial 911 -
- [Car Door Opens, Closes]
- [Lisa] Thanks for the ride!
You made all that money for sitting around
and watching TV and eating food?
- Actually, Bart, Lisa's going
to be in charge tonight.
Well, we have to run. I'm sure you kids
will work things out. Good night.
I think you will find me fair and fun.
- [Horn Honking]
Bart, if you don't want to have a babysitter,
maybe you should stop being such a baby.
Ooh! Malaria Zone!
The entire menu was personally
approved by my secretary.
I want the 25-foot Italian party sub.
Come on, Maggie. Good Maggie.
Good evening there, miss.
Well, there's been a mistake.
I didn't see any U.F. O!
[Growls] Bart, you are gonna be in so much
trouble when Mom and Dad get home.
- Yeah. "Go to bread."
- B-E-D! Bed!
- Make me!
- I'll make you!
Okay, we'll call it even if I can just
have some of that big sandwich.
Eww! Your arm! It's got extra corners!
Oh, no. I'm going to preserve the evidence
until Mom and Dad get home.
Bart, you need first aid!
Let me in!
I'm banging my head.
I'm gonna make the lump even bigger.
If so, thank you.
Simpson? Look, we've already been
out there tonight for a "sisterectomy"...
beat him silly with a block
of frozen lima beans.
I'm just a little concerned about the kids.
Maybe I should call.
Happy, happy, happy family!
Hey, don't worry.
You don't have to make up stories here.
Excuse me, little lady.
The wheelbarrow line's over there.
Well, if it isn't Springfield's finest
little babysitter, Lisa Simpson!
Uh, hold on a minute. Let me have
a look at that wheelbarrow, please.
Aired 22 years ago - Feb 23, 1997
When Sideshow Bob is released from prison, his brother Cecil puts him in charge of building Springfield's new hydroelectric dam.
I'm sorry, Bob, but your transformation
is truly inspiring.
Me? I'm touched.
I really am.
But it's been 10 years.
problem with trying
to kill people?
You don't have to worry
about me, Brother.
How can you even think
of releasing Sideshow Bob?
But isn't our system of justice based
on the idea that a man can change?
- [Crowd Cheering]
I have the '82 Château Latour
and a rather indifferent Rauzan-Ségla.
You can't ask God to kill someone!
I am Springfield's chief hydrological
and hydrodynamical engineer.
You're still angry that Krusty
picked me instead of you.
- ## [Drumroll]
- [Clears Throat]
Free comedy tip, slick. The pie gag's
only funny when the sap's got dignity!
He's gonna change the way
we think about getting hit by pies!
chief hydrological engineer
Because you'll be supervising
the construction crew.
Maybe he's gonna pee
in the river.
I really must thank you
for this moment of tranquillity, Edna.
I did once try to kill
the world's greatest lover.
That was Edna Krabappel.
See, Cousin Merl and me
was playing fetch with Geech.
Rustic workmen who have turned
the Sanijohn into a smokehouse.
Hey! You said
we were going to Dairy Queen.
I'm going to do what
I should have done a long time ago.
If he crosses me one more time,
just once more...
at the construction site?
Give it up, Bob.
We found the money.
This dam could collapse
at any minute!
You know, the one who's been working
at the dam and has a grudge against Springfield.
Off the record, yes.
But officially, I did it for the money!
Come on! Quickly now!
Come on, children!
Let's go thwart my brother!
Um, do you know
what you're doing?
At last I'm going to do what Bob
never could- kill Bart Simpson!
I could snip the wires.
- Joking. Joking.
Aired 22 years ago - Feb 16, 1997
The Simpsons befriend a shop owner, but when Homer discovers the man is gay, he worries about his influence on Bart.
It's a Johnny Reb bottle, early 1 97 0s.
That'll make your bull run.
Don't you just love
the graphics on this box?
Well, sort of.
But I mean more like inflatable furniture...
I practically insist.
Shall we say 5:00? The snacking hour?
And pearls on a little girl.
- [ Laughs ]
So, do those records have camp value?
And he collects toy robots.
Mmm, I don't think
he's married, Homer.
Homer, listen carefully.
John is a homo-
and let everyone know
that he's... that way.
And there's where Lupe Velez
bought the toilet she drowned in.
Waylon. I'd like you
to meet the Simpsons.
You don't even know what
you're worried about anymore.
Where'd you get that shirt?
[ Homer Babbling ]
And Bart doesn't look
like a big fat party animal to me.
And Helen Lovejoy-
Sure, she looks blonde...
Well, now you don't get any candy.
They turned the navy
into a floating joke.
Well, I'm taking back our word,
and I'm taking back my son.
[ Gasps ] No, no. He'll know you're on to him.
Quick- shake his hand.
- What am I supposed to do here?
- Nothing.Just sit. I'll be back.
- Anything slim.
- [ Shouts ]
at real all-American Joes
doing what they do best.
[ Gasps ] Has the whole world
Oh, be nice!
Yeah, I always thought Bart
would grow up to be just like us.
- You have to think for me.
- Well, let's see now. Uh-
Then you just sit back
and watch the grandkids roll in.
He's going to grow up
straight for once!
I know this much.
I wouldn't wear that hideous hat.
[ Laughs ]
Yeah. No, boy.
Ah, we should have just stayed at the bar
and shot some rats.
I've been a lousy dad.
Did he say
where they were going?
What? I'm not gonna shoot
a reindeer in a pen.
- [ Gunshot ]
- Thataway, Son!
Just my bones... and organs.
Aired 22 years ago - Feb 09, 1997
In an attempt to boost ratings, the Itchy and Scratchy Show adds a new "in-your-face" character voiced by Homer.
- [Man Sneezes]
- Why is that mirror sneezing?
My knob tastes funny.
to deal with real-life problems
like the ones you face every day?
that's completely off-the-wall
and swarming with magic robots?
You saved Itchy and Scratchy!
Are you absolutely sure
that's wise, sir?
Consistently and thoroughly.
The rest of you writers start thinking up
a name for this funky dog.
I feel we should
"rastafy" him by 10% or so.
- I do not!
- Haven't you ever listened to
yourself on a tape recorder?
Oh, I don't like having
such a hilarious voice.
We were eating rotisserie chicken.
Can you just read the line, please?
Hi. I'm Troy McClure. You may
remember me from such cartoons as...
and I don't know what you're in,
but it's not my face.
Oh, I don't get the job, do I?
She smells sheet smells
by the sheet "shtore."
Hey, that really is you!
No, Homer. Very few cartoons
are broadcast live.
Hi. Question for Miss Bellamy.
Boy, I really hope somebody
got fired for that blunder.
On the Itchy and Scratchy
Mr. Simpson will now be autographing
8-by-10 glossies of Poochie.
[Marge] I'm so glad you couldjoin us
for Homer's big premiere.
Once in a great while, we are privileged
to experience a television event...
Behold the future of comedy.
When are they gonna get
to the fireworks factory? [Whining]
Hey, kids, always recycle...
So, it was pretty okay, huh?
All that matters is that
the fans of the show liked it.
What? They've given you thousands
of hours of entertainment for free.
Yesterday our prayers
were finally answered...
What the hell happened?
- Uh, hi, Mr. Meyers.
all the other characters should be asking,
It's not your fault, Homer.
It's those lousy writers.
with a rusty chain saw.
You're supposed to say, " Please cut off
my head. I don't deserve to live."
- Do you?
- Yes, I certainly do.
But if everyone could find a place in their
hearts for the little dog nobody wanted...
Aired 22 years ago - Feb 07, 1997
Marge is stressed by the demands of motherhood and the Simpsons get a magical British nanny, who floats down from the sky holding an umbrella.
Um, there's a hair in my soup-
but I'll just eat around it.
during the commercial.
for over 100 years, and-
Marge? I was just watching
women's volleyball on ESPN.
Ma, I need a glass of milk.
Well, I was thinking we could
hire a nanny to help me out.
Giving up smoking is one of the
hardest things you'll ever have to do.
And to pay for it I'll give up the Civil War
re-creation society I love so much.
- Pleased to meet you.
- Wait a minute, Marge.
I'll keep a watchful eye on your kids...
We have our own suggestions for the
new nanny. Would you like to hear them?
I'll do it!
I'm an original creation,
like Ricky Rouse and Monald Muck.
No, I'm practically perfect in every way.
- That's Carl.
- Oh, yeah.
including Norman Mailer's latest claptrap
about his waning libido.
My. She seems too good to be true.
Yo! Shary Bobbins.
Then she got her eyesight back.
Boy for sale. Boy for sale.
all life's problems just float away
when you're flying a kite.
Oh, all right.
- More kippers, Mum?
- Oh, thank you.
You've changed me as well.
[Man On TV]
Welcome back to Before They Were Famous.
- What I'm trying to say in this cartoon...
It's a great big world out there.
Aired 22 years ago - Feb 02, 1997
To promote teamwork amongst the power plant's employees, Mr. Burns makes them go on a corporate retreat up in the mountains.
Imbecile! Simpson, your family
will have to remain here.
Fong and Sutroy.
You're on the one team
that can't possibly be fired.
And that person is... Waylon Smithers.
Perfect. That's just perfect!
You pressed "You," referring to me.
Oh, great. It's the Bobbsey Twins.
Well, take your prying eyes elsewhere!
- No. After 12.
- Yes. A lot of hysteria.
And to do so...
Perhaps we should let
John Muir tell the tale.
- Have you checked the woods?
- Let me down here.
- Sorry. There's no way off till we get to the top.
That worked so well.
Mr. Smithers! Mr Smithers!
I found another hurt shrew.
You know, Mr. Burns,
you're the richest guy I know.
- Did you ever sit like this?
- Yes, yes, that's it.
- Why, you'd have to get up!
- [Both Gasping]
No. There's no way out.
Oh, we make quite a duo.
Burns and Associate.
I think when we yelled,
we caused another avalanche.
Oh! Those last three avalanches
were your fault, Simpson.
We must be covered
by a thousand feet of snow.
We could build
real men out of snow.
- You kids cost me my job.
- You ain't last, Mr. Smithers.
Why, this fellow
is less a snowman than a god!
Look at them,
smug and secure in their finery...
The only other cabin
is right over... there.
But not in the good Las Vegas way.
You and what army?
Aired 22 years ago - Jan 19, 1997
Marge's new pretzel franchise is failing until Homer strikes a deal with Fat Tony, Springfield's local mobster.
And while you're there, would you pick up
some of that nice green moon money for me-
Those fat cats in Washington?
[Laughs] Good luck.
you'll receive a pair of
Did you know
that disco record sales...
- Uh, what's tahini?
- Flavor sauce.
[Speaking Foreign Language]
I might possibly have considered
thinking about becoming interested in.
You get it? Huh?
Well-Well, let me tell you-
Don't forget fat people.
They can't stop eating.
And if you're watching me,
that means you've got pretzel fever.
in a futuristic wonder world.
Now you're ready
to make pretzels.
Hmm, hmm, hmm.
Here? At our plant?
I will have
one of your, uh-
Don't you worry about me.
[Groans] I should have said,
"Limit: One per customer."
Wesley, Rumor, Scout, Cassidy...
You said it, kitty.
And the 1997 Pontiac
Astro Wagon goes to the fan...
now knocking Whitey unconscious.
I was wrong to have a dream,
wrong as usual.
Marge needs help. And God knows
I'm not the man to provide it.
- I'm here to see Mr. Ormand.
- Of course. Right this way.
Your help could make
all the difference in the world.
No. Pretzel Wagon's no longer-
Are you sure the children will get enough
nutrition from these pretzels?
Ship's impounded, ma'am.
- Here ya go, Homer.
- Thanks, Moe.
and as such, we are entitled
to a percentage of your profits...
I saw you pouring your heart and soul
into this business and getting nowhere.
But this is my business. And the Mafia's
not getting one cent of my money!
There. That's the last one.
Aired 22 years ago - Jan 12, 1997
Homer witnesses something out of this world in Springfield woods, but no one believes him -- not even FBI agents Fox Mulder and Dana Scully, who come to investigate the incident.
- It's Friday.
- Uh-oh. Wrong pills.
Thank God it's Friday.
between NBC's Must-See Thursday
and CBS's Saturday night crap-o-rama.
All right. Here you go.
Red Tick Beer.
Well, it's 1:00 a.m.
Better go home...
Please, don't hurt me.
- Have you been drinking?
- No! Well, 10 beers.
Dad, according to Junior Skeptic Magazine,
the chances are a 175 million-to-one...
Oh, it's Bart. I can't believe it.
- We love you, boy.
- Good doggy. Good doggy.
The alien has a sweet,
heavenly voice, like Urkel.
and illegal weapons coming
into New Jersey tonight.
I swear, I didn't know
I put it in my purse!
- Do you understand?
No point. I just thought
he could stand to lose a little weight.
We want you to re-create your every move
the night you saw this alien.
You are one fine lookin' woman, lady.
Uh, excuse me.
I was standing right here when the
horrible creature emerged from the woods.
There are alien forces acting in ways
we can't perceive.
Who'd have thought a whale
could be so heavy?
- You've made me so happy.
What was his name?
Well, actually, Dad,
I believe you.
- What if we don't?
- We'll fake it and sell it to the Fox network.
And that is how much college
will cost for Maggie.
D'oh! He's gone.
And we still don't have any proof.
[Man] Uh, Mr. Nimoy,
we have 10 minutes left.
But first, E.T., phone Homer...
Simpson, that is.
I bring you peace.
I think the people of this town aren't gonna
be won over by three seconds of videotape.
- Is the alien Santa Claus?
- Uh, yes.
only to come back to life.
What are you doing here?
- We sold those out in five minutes.
Uh, I bring you love.
It's a monster! Kill it! Kill it!
Aired 22 years ago - Jan 05, 1997
After eating a dish laced with potent peppers during the chili cookoff, Homer has hallucinations where a mystical coyote urges him to find his soulmate.
Fine. I'll come find you
when I'm ready to stop having fun.
Probably just knocking back a few "refreshments."
Oh, I admit it.
It's only two alarm.
You reckon a square
could get a dance?
A bland, timid entry...
Heck, it's not my job
to talk people out of killing themselves.
His ears if we're lucky!
hoppity, hippity, hoppity, hippity, gooble, gobble,
gooble, gooble, gabba, gabba, hey?
Talk to me!
The problem, Homer, is that the mind
is always chattering away...
- Should I get rid of all my possessions?
- Are you kiddin'?
Look. Just give me some inner peace,
or I'll mop the floor with ya!
Well, that's Marge. Big deal.
- [Groans] Oh.
- [Horn Tooting]
Did I dream that whole thing?
- Damn straight.
Jim Nabors, Glen Campbell,
the Doodletown Pipers.
Hey, Barney, soul mate!
Let me buy you a beer.
- [Pool Balls Clack]
Uh, no, I don't like that.
## [Soft Rock]
- ## [Ends]
- [Sighs] Huh?
Homer's desperate search
for a soul mate...
on a has-been planet orbited
by a cold, indifferent sun!
Aired 22 years ago - Dec 29, 1996
A hurricane destroys the Flanders' home and they have to move into the church basement. The people of Springfield gather to rebuild their house, but when Ned sees the poor workmanship, he has a complete breakdown.
- Is there any chance of you changing your mind?
- Sure. Let's go.
Oh, it'll be fun. We're gonna go through
our old canceled checks...
If babyJesus got loose,
he could really do some damage.
- You gotta start backwards!
- [Talking Continues]
See? I told you it was over.
If you stop this hurricane
and save our family...
Remarkable. There doesn't seem
to be any damage at all.
The only thing that survived the storm
were the family tombstones.
And now Mommy's stupid!
Down here at Springfield Mall,
a storm-addled crowd...
the Carter Dixon Tunnel.
But, Reverend, I need to know.
Is God punishing me?
Why me, Lord?
Where have I gone wrong?
do-dang-diddily-darn do it!
But if any of you ever need a favor, just
look for the happiest man in Springfield!
with a lovely flow
[Laughs] Ned, you ever try lugging
a toilet up a flight of stairs?
So I don't know.
You might want to wear a hat.
Come on in!
It's your master bedroom!
- Ned, we meant well.
I wouldn't want you
to have a cow, man!
Hey, I've only been here a few minutes.
What's going on?
- Hey, I got off pretty easy.
- ## [Continues In Hawaiian]
- ## [Gibberish]
- I'd like to commit myself.
- Very well.
And may God
have mercy on us all.
I can't believe
I was such a terror.
- Would you please tell your son to stop?
- We can't do it, man!
Like, we gave them up when we started
living like freaky beatniks.
you could only respond with a string
of nonsensical jabbering.
Now, I'd like to try something.
Mr Simpson? Dr. Foster.
Please come with me.
- I can hear you walking by-
- It stinks! It stinks! It stinks!
Homer, can you be
[Laughs] Well, howdy, Homer.
Ooh, thanks for dropping by.
Aw, he's still repressing.
Maximum hostility factor.
Aired 22 years ago - Dec 15, 1996
Lisa develops a crush on Nelson and tries to change him into a better person. Meanwhile, Homer finds an autodialer and starts a telemarketing scam.
- Um, I don't think you want to look in there, sir.
The cold, hard process of elimination
places the "H"...
[Gasps] A principal's ransom
in stolen goods!
First you're going to give back
everything you've stolen.
After you claim
your stolen merchandise...
It automatically calls them one by one
and plays my message.
742 Evergreen Terrace,
But you're going to annoy
thousands of people...
Now, you take the hoose-
She was looking at Nelson!
The best part was when he got wet.
Sure is ugly though.
On Nelson Muntz.
Plus my mom says
I'm the handsomest guy in school!
[Thinking] When she sees you'll do anything
she says, she's bound to respect you.
It wasn't from him.
It was from... me.
Do I have to do anything?
Two dollars! It's working!
You don't understand.
She loves to climb in here.
Please don't ruin this for me, Bart.
Hope your wheels still work.
I'm a superstar.
[Chuckling] It's funny, huh?
- He's a whole new person, Lisa.
Come on, Nelson. You must think
and feel things. I mean, look where we are-
We found a bunch of rancid coleslaw
in the Dumpster behind Krusty Burger.
You got rid of them.
It was that darn recording again.
That is it, Ned. If you don't unplug
that phone right now...
Nelson doesn't know
what he's missing.
Oh, brandishing your buttocks
is only getting me angrier.
And I wasn't even there! Honest!
Skinner's just out to get me.
Well, the thing's been
driving the whole town nuts.
Aired 22 years ago - Dec 01, 1996
Kirk and Luann Van Houten are getting a divorce. Homer is confident that it will never happen to him, but Kirk tells him how quickly things can change.
Mom, calm down.
The party's not for another three hours.
And now it's too late!
- but paying for it sure is.
Did anyone see that
new Woodsy Allen movie?
You know what you two need?
A little comic strip called Love Is.
Yeah, Marge. I know I haven't eaten
that well since I was in the army.
- It's dignity!
Well, it's no wonder I can't draw dignity.
I gave it up when I married her.
Like the one about how rotten
it is to be married to a loser.
A man whose complete lack of business
sense and managerial impotence-
- Oh, sweetJesus!
Hello, I'm Dr Hibbert. I'm afraid
I'm going to have to amputate your butt.
Oh, okay. Ta-ta!
I'm off to the beauty salon!
I feel terrible.
The Van Houtens split up at our party.
By the end,
her breath was so fresh...
Yeah. And another great thing-
you get your own bed.
Nah. A possum drowned in the pool.
You have any garbage bags?
Kirk, crackers are a family food.
I don't recall saying "good luck."
Chase, it's only been three hours.
- That doesn't sound like something I'd say.
- Fine. I'll go without you.
Can I have the keys to the car, lover?
I feel like changing wigs.
'Cause I took my marriage for granted.
That's how it is though. One day your wife
is making you your favorite meal...
a strong marriage built on
a solid foundation of routine.
They're thawing in the sink."
but you've got to save my marriage!
- Why would she leave you now?
- Because there's lots of stuff
she doesn't know about!
- in holy matrimony.
and I bought tickets
to their entire season.
But I'd really like to
get some sleep.
How many husbands would
do that for their wives?
I'd like to file for... divorce.
No. It's a second wedding, honey.
I didn't want a hokey second
wedding like those ones on TV.
Aired 22 years ago - Nov 24, 1996
After trespassing and damaging property at a mysterious old house, Bart is required to work there as a punishment... but it turns out to be a burlesque house.
You mean there's nothing
left to clean?
It's a secret lab where they take
the brains out of zombies...
- Your son was trespassing on my property...
You're the man, Homer.
- She makes me taste beer.
- Come on, boy. Give your old man a little credit.
My name is Belle,
and this is the Maison Derriere.
Here you go, darlin'.
to greet the visitors
and toss out the troublemakers.
- What the-
but we made a commitment,
and we have to see it through...
- that makes the bow tie spin.
[Chuckles] If there's a bad
bookkeeping joke, I haven't heard it.
Bart, where are you?
- Bart was filling in for-
- I don't care if he was filling in for Mel Zetz.
Hey, he didn't pay
- Hello, Bart.
- Hello, Principal Skinner.
Principal Skinner saw him
with his own eyes.
for your 10-year-old son
to work in a burlesque house!
I was trying to punish
him exactly like you would.
I have a favor to ask.
Get out of my town!
You're about to learn
the two most dangerous words...
It's about a certain house
in our town.
Oh, geez! It's what's inside the house
Let us give no more scrutiny
to this bawdy house...
- [Chalmers] Skinner!
All in favor of demolishing our beloved
burlesque house, raise your hands.
Just a minute.
No, my friends! Stop!
Let me finish.
♪♪ [All Singing]
Aired 22 years ago - Nov 17, 1996
Mr. Burns' boorish long-lost son Larry gets the brush-off from Burns, but Homer hatches a plan to reconcile them.
[Pool Chalk Squeaking]
Why don't you get drunk and stumble around
comically for my amusement?
How about a googly-eyed rock?
Some nice local squash candy?
I can't "exscape" Lisa,
our little walking "libary."
Grampa, are you sitting on the pie?
- Keen on Jesus? Out with it!
- Well, Mr. Burns, I'm your son.
Ah, Larry, my lad, I've gone over this story
in my mind a million times.
and a gray hair or two, but my adoring eyes
saw past those minor imperfections...
as was the style at the time.
Then I got my job
at the souvenir stand.
Now then, in case you get bored,
here's the playroom.
- [Both Scream]
And Larry and I have so much in common,
Marge, way more than you and me.
Hey, Pop, this crowd
is pretty swanky.
He's very sensitive about his age.
I can't quite put
my finger on it.
I wonder how much I should give.
Summon my son at once.
He's a pussycat. I tell you,
he's a doll-baby.
the humiliation of having a coarse,
boorish ignoramus for a son.
It's so unfair.
You're everything a dad could hope for.
I gotta clean up my act.
No more joking around all the time.
- I won't rest until he's returned to me.
- Not to be impertinent, sir...
Hey, I like it.
I like it a lot.
[Raspberry] Marge, you've been reading
too many "hide out" books.
Hey, that reminds me, Mom. Buckingham Palace
called. They want their hat back.
- Do you miss your son?
- Yes, I'm missing one son. Return it immediately.
- Uh- Uh, just a second.
- [Dial Tone]
This is Kent Brockman in Chopper Copter 6
with a special report.
- No excuses. Just do it.
Yeah, this place is emptier
than a Scottish pay toilet.
and hostage, Larry Burns,
are inside talking loudly.
We've gotta go down there
and help Dad.
Aired 22 years ago - Nov 10, 1996
When Moe sees that Homer can absorb massive blows to the head, he turns him into a prizefighter and sets up a match with heavyweight champion Drederick Tatum.
'cause yours is just
a piece of extension cord.
Can't you read?
Call the police!
You've got to squeal to every teacher
and every grown-up you can find.
The thing is-
Geez, Homer, I never seen a guy
stand up to that kind of punishment.
You know, boxin' might be
right up your alley.
- And are you man enough...
Wow, I've never
been in here before.
- Hey, what's this?
- [Liquid Sloshes]
I just never made it to the big time.
You're 38 years old,
you don't know how to box...
[Groans] That's what we get for living
in a state founded by circus freaks.
Why, I could wallop you all day with this surgical
two-by-four without ever knocking you down.
- When you're ready.
- All right, I'm ready.
And if the ref's not looking,
you can kick him a couple of times.
Okay, you're fightin'
a guy named Boxcar Bob.
Gee, thanks, Moe.
[Crowd Cheering, Chattering]
I thought you were
managing the champ.
His comeback fight.
You know, boxing.
before they have an opportunity
to even get drunk.
or you can take your
last shot at the big time.
- I didn't bring you up here
to show you my new tar paper.
- You didn't?
Uh, you know what?
I'm gonna have to check on that.
I got nothing against him, but I'm definitely
gonna make orphans of his children.
We can have all the things
we always dreamed of-
Those are the odds
they're givin' in Vegas.
on Homer Simpson.
Just make sure he hits you an even number
of times, so you don't end up with amnesia.
- There, I said it.
- Listen to me.
TVanchorman and Springfield
institution, Mr. Kent Brockman!
- ladies and gentlemen, the Fan Man!
- [Crowd Applauds, Cheers]
And to challenge the irresistible
force of Tatum...
Due to popular demand,
we will forgo our national anthem.
Okay, break it up!
Break it up, you two.
I can't watch this. I gotta get outta here.
Aired 22 years ago - Nov 03, 1996
When Homer accepts a job offer, the Simpsons move to Cypress Creek, where everything seems too good to be true. Finally happy at his job, Homer fails to notice that his new boss is an evil megalomaniac bent on world domination.
a planned community designed for
the workers of the Globex Corporation.
I've never been to a place
like that before. Ow!
I don't think I could
afford this place.
- Ha! Now you know how it feels!
- Thank you. Come again.
Uh, Homer, uh, about those things
you borrowed from me over the years-
enough sawdust to cover an entire day's
worth of vomit at Disneyland.
Our new home.
Makes you strong like Popeye.
- You like those moccasins?
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I'm in the middle of a fun run!
- the auto-vac's on dirt patrol-
Well, better go upstairs
and make sure the beds are still made.
Call me Hank.
Uh, say, before we continue our tour...
- I bet people laughed at you
when you told 'em that dream.
Your job will be to manage
and motivate 'em.
That was a phone call.
Don't chalk that up to mistrust.
- Are you guys working?
- Yes, sir, Mr. Simpson.
[Makes Fart Noise]
You know, Bart, I think you'd profit
from a more remedial environment.
I moved here from Canada,
and they think I'm slow, eh?
Let me get this straight.
We're behind the rest of our class...
Hello, Mr. Chipmunk.
You're a northern reticulated chipmunk.
Tom Landry's hat! And it's autographed!
The Lord gave us the atoms,
and it's up to us to make 'em dance.
- You got Put-Your-Butt-There.
This is Scorpio.
I have the doomsday device.
We can't take
Hi, Homer. I'm keepin' two
of my fingers crossed...
Why should you?
- Hooray! Everyone's a winner!
- [Hank] Thank you.
Aired 22 years ago - Oct 27, 1996
In "The Thing and I," Bart discovers his evil Siamese twin in the attic. In "The Genesis Tub," Lisa's science experiment becomes a quickly-developing micro-universe, where she is thought of as God and Bart is the devil. In "Citizen Kang," aliens replace Clinton and Dole just in time for the election.
It's loose. Hugo is loose!
See ya soon.
You see, when you were born, there was...
And hillbillies prefer to be called
"sons of the soil," but it ain't gonna happen.
- [Chomping Continues]
- I think I'll bottle-feed that one.
Too crazy for Boys Town,
too much of a boy for Crazy Town.
If any of it was true,
wouldn't I have a big, hideous scar- [Yelps]
- [Heavy Chain Rattles]
- [Hugo Groans]
- You're crazy.
- Am I?
I had this theory that-
Wait a minute.
W-Well, chalk this one up
to carelessness on my part.
- Mom, Hugo's eating his napkin.
- [All Laughing]
Oh, boy. Mold!
That's science-fair pay dirt.
So, how are my little Stone Age tub dwellers?
Oh, my gosh.
[Electricity Humming, Crackling]
- Whoops, my finger slipped.
- Bart! Stop it!
[Rocket Engine Blasts, Whines]
- Your micro-jerks attacked me.
- Well, ya practically destroyed their whole world.
Your world is incredible,
and you speak English.
You gave us life, and only your divine intervention
can save us from the devil.
I must say,
we find that quite perplexing.
Listen. I can take care of everything.
All you have to do is un-shrink me.
- Look! The destroyer! He returns!
- [Heavy Footsteps]
Willie, you can throw out the other projects.
We have a winner.
- Shouldn't you people be groveling?
- [Crowd Affirming]
So peaceful and relaxing-
doesn't even matter if I catch a single fish.
My name is Kang...
Well, I guess you mean
I saw him on TV the other-
uh, Bob Dole!
- Hey! [Gurgles]
Oh, no. Aliens, bio-duplication,
I am Clin-ton.
Sure you were, rummy.
These candidates make me want to vomit
in terror. I've got to stop them.
[Crowd Booing, Hissing]
embellished by an occasional saxophone solo
or infant kiss.
and always twirling, twirling,
twirling towards freedom!
- [Crowd Scoffing]
- [Man] Yeah, right, pal.
and I'm gonna get you back to Washington
before it's too late.