Aired 30 years ago - Aug 11, 1991
When Mr. Burns is saved by a transfusion of Bart's blood, Homer expects a handsome reward but is outraged to receive only a simple thank-you note.
If you have double O-negative blood,
please report to the bloodmobile.
Maggie, look. What's that?
- What's my blood type?
- How many hairs on my head?
- Homie, you have lots of hair.
- It's the only decent thing to do.
Everyone tried to pull it out
but nobody was strong enough.
Hey, let's go! Emergency!
Life or death here!
- Go ahead.
- Charles Montgomery Burns:
Why, look who's here!
It's good old you!
I'm back in the pink!
Full of pith and vinegar!
The Simpsons will be getting a
very nice surprise in the mail.
It's thin, but that's okay.
Could be a check.
Is that some way to show your
gratitude? No gold, no diamonds.
- We got hosed.
And your card was just great.
- He's your boss. You have to mail it?
- Thank you.
- Where's the letter?
Where did you see it last?
I'll show you mad in the morning!
...for old Mr. Lock.
Step aside, boy.
- But don't other people have mail?
- So they won't get letters.
It wouldn't do any good to run
because you know my name, right?
All right. First question:
Have you slept with anyone famous?
- I believe you have a letter for me.
- What's your first name?
The trip to the infirmary
with most unexpected results.
Simpson, eh? Simpson!
You stink! You're a senile,
What the hell,
I'll just crush him.
Tell you what,
have him beaten to a pulp!
...die in a gutter. It's practical
and within our means.
- Nothing. Wait.
"Me, thanking you?"
No, it's not a misprint.
I know you're mad. I'm gonna
stand outside until you forgive me.
...the Simpson matter to attend to.
- We do indeed, old friend. We do.
You're not your normal self.
Oh, woe is me.
Will There Ever Be a Rainbow?
It was carved by Mesoamerican
Indians 3000 years ago.
Aired 31 years ago - May 09, 1991
Bart, Milhouse, and Martin pool their money to buy the first issue of Radioactive Man, but their investment and their friendship are threatened when they can't agree on who will keep it.
We've got a utility belt, tricorders,
a light saber... Sorry, kid.
...but by night, fights vampires
in a postapocalyptic war zone!
Wish I was old enough
to smoke Laramies.
...as Radioactive Man and not
the sordid details of his final years.
Who knows? I did play Rum Tum Tugger
in Cats. Anybody see it?
...if you'll put your grubby
little hands behind your back. Behold.
- To buy that comic book.
- Your emotion is out of place.
And that golden lariat.
She can tie me up any time.
For a comic?
Who drew it, Micha-malangelo?
I'm not mad at you.
Shows you been paying attention.
When I was your age, I wanted a
child-sized electric light bulb oven.
For months, I worked
while my sisters smoked.
... all those light bulb-warmed treats
always tasted extra good.
I didn 't realize it, but a part of my
childhood had slipped away, forever.
Maybe you need to play
on their sympathies more. Let's see.
- Beat it.
- You got a liquor license?
Hey, what's all the...?
Send him over to my house.
I've got a few chores he could do.
I've got dried apricots,
almond paste, sauerkraut candy.
Johnny, Harrison, Brooklyn Bob,
and yeah, even Reggie.
- Merciful heavens, you're bleeding!
- Did you make any money?
- No, but I'm in a lot of pain.
Today, we wash Beulah.
Do you know what that is?
Well, it's payday. I'll wager you've
been looking forward to this.
I can leave without screaming
or saying a bad word.
I busted my hump all week
and all I got was 50 cents.
- Can I have it for 35.
- No! Kids.
...we could buy a copy of
Radioactive Man Number 1 right now!
Wow. Breathe it in, boys.
Yeah, what about that?
...possession will be determined
by Rock, Scissor, Paper.
We'll all stay with the comic book.
...so the last one alive
can be buried with it.
No, you quit!
- Martin was trying to steal our comic.
- Let's tie him up!
I'm telling your mom!
It's not that far to the ground.
The rains probably softened it up.
Better come in the house.
You don't wanna get the sniffles.
Aired 31 years ago - May 02, 1991
At a lakeside retreat for married couples, Marge is determined to fix her marriage with Homer, but Homer is more determined to catch General Sherman, the freakishly large catfish that lives in the lake.
Not really. Someone slipped
one of those novelty ice cubes...
- You're a little monkey, aren't you?
- Yes, sir.
You and your whole lousy
operation stinks. I quit!
Thanks for inviting me.
I had a great time.
Why? What did you do?
- They're fighting again.
- That music gives me the chills.
The most whimsical jape
of the season.
But last night, you didn't just cross
that line, you threw up on it.
- You were wasted.
- I didn't know when to say when.
More Satan's Boners," and...
Counseling for couples whose
marriages are hanging by a thread...
- We'll be there.
If we can't find a babysitter, we
can't go! What a kick in the teeth.
Last resort. Old Grampa, the feeb.
And behave yourselves.
- Who says that?
- They do.
- Is it right to take advantage of him?
- In these crazy times...
...are we gonna do any fishing?
- Oh, I'm afraid not.
...tell us why they're here?
- Here's your crown, Your Majesty!
- Get away from me!
Remember my saving your lives
when we pass the collection plate.
- She's perfect.
- What are her faults?
He chews with his mouth open,
Wait. He kicks me in his sleep and
his toenails are long and yellow.
- Bye, book.
- All right!
- The perfect crime.
- What do I do to be a good guy?
- Get back in bed.
Come on, give up!
You fall backwards and rely
on your spouse to catch you.
Hey, you! You!
Shut that door! Put that away!
Thanks for coming.
Nice tie, Nelson.
- How do you make it go away?
- Grab a brush...
- This fish shows how selfish you are!
- Then I'll throw it back!
- Come here, baby!
- Oh, Homer.
Aired 31 years ago - Apr 25, 1991
With Miss Hoover out sick, a substitute teacher takes over the class and becomes an inspiring role model for Lisa.
Two suggestions are Mr. Nerd-strom
and Mr. Booger-strom.
...featuring an ABC of the
overlords of the genre:
This one's not very accurate,
but we'll fix it. Okay?
...cowboys used only
the tongue of the antelope.
It was one of those immature...
- Any more nominations?
- We nominate Bart Simpson! Speech!
What did I say about encouraging him?
...knew that a gray spider had played
the most important part of all.
- I can't.
- Sure you can.
can strain a marriage.
Mr. Bergstrom is the first thing
I think of when I wake up.
I notice little things about Homer.
Yesterday, he read us Charlotte's Web
and cried at the end.
- Lisa, can I see you?
...an inspector found 1.74 parts
per million of asbestos!
"Just a popularity contest"?
What's more important than popularity?
- Now, go get them!
- You'll miss Bart.
Lisa needs to go to the museum,
and I think you should take her.
- I'm concerned about you and Lisa.
- Me too. They're drifting apart.
...when they don't have to,
out of the goodness of their...
...with a good education and says,
"What did I do to deserve this?"
Mr. Bergstrom, do you like pork
chops? Oh, no, of course not.
- It means she was faking.
- It was a little of both.
Oh, well, as long as a couple
of people did. Right, Milhouse?
Two for Martin. Want another re-count?
Today he wears gym shorts,
tomorrow he speaks French...
Bart didn't get one vote?
Just because I don't care
doesn't mean I don't understand.
- You don't realize what you're saying.
Her confidence in you is shaken...
- You're sad you called me a baboon?
Now, you lost someone special
and it hurt.
Maybe I can't explain all this,
but I can fix your dollhouse.
- You're so silly.
- Give me a banana.
Aired 31 years ago - Apr 11, 1991
Marge rediscovers her interest in art and takes up painting. When Mr. Burns hires her to paint his official portrait, Marge tries but fails to find his "inner beauty."
Moving to the front.
Too big to be human.
Send kids to dislodge it.
Witnesses estimate the man's weight
at 400 to 500 pounds.
All right, family.
I want the truth.
My God! Three hundred and...
...no pizza too laden
with delicious toppings...
Don't ever do that again!
I guess she thought he was cute.
They're only 35 calories
- Another one of that bongo beater!
- Mr. Schindler...
And what was Ringo 's response?
- Hello, Mrs. Homer!
- Apu, why are you here?
No one can enroll until
Mr. Lombardo approves their portfolio.
There couldn't be a class without you.
If you'll excuse me, nature calls.
Here, we see how two circles,
various trapezoids, ellipses...
Is it water? Is it wine?
Oh, my gosh, it's turpentine
You find the inner beauty
of your subject.
Oh! Another triumph!
I'm a work of art!
Last Supper, eat your heart out.
This is as half-baked
as your idea about me having children.
...and Dame Fortune has hugged
Montgomery Burns to her sweet bosom.
He was the drummer for the Beatles.
Maybe not, but I have the gift
of seeing inner beauty.
- Honey, I'm home!
- There's an original sentiment.
Don't worry. All I need to do
is find Mr. Burns' inner beauty.
So Ziggy goes to the repair shop.
There's a sign reading "Out of Order."
Of course not, Smithers.
You're like a doctor.
They took the time to write me.
It's hard to find your beauty
if you're shouting at a little girl.
Let me get this straight.
and I would've needed a Valium.
I don't think I can.
Yes, we do have hamburgers
and fries in England...
A new wing for our museum,
and a portrait...
Aired 31 years ago - Mar 28, 1991
When Grandpa's new girlfriend at the Springfield Retirement Castle dies, he inherits her savings and must decide the best way to spend his windfall.
I get two red for my back,
a yellow one for my arrhythmia...
Care to tip the wrist with me?
- What are you doing tonight?
- Sitting alone in my room.
- You'd think this would get easier!
- I'd love to.
You idiot! My girlfriend, Bea.
Since this is the only store I know...
- Go away!
- Oh, come on, Dad.
She can come with us.
There's room for all your friends.
- Yeah, Bart, get out and push.
- No way!
- I'm sorry to tell you this, but...
...but I know she died
of a broken heart.
Oh, no! Dad's lost his hearing!
She left it all to you.
- $ 106,000!
- Ta-ta, Mr. Simpson.
I just inherited $ 106,000...
There are rubdowns,
and then there are rubdowns.
Big spender, why the change?
If you're not happy,
why don't you spread it around?
For spousal problems, press 2 now.
If you have trouble...
- Choose your corncob. En garde!
- Challenge accepted!
...to people who need it.
- You know, he is wise.
- You don't want it.
...that he'll give away over $ 100,000
to the person he finds most deserving.
...psychedelic paint job from hell.
Jam the kids to school!
Wait! You're the guy who owns
the nuclear power plant.
It may be a map to ancient treasure,
or directions to a house.
The floor can become electrified
and water falls on the subject.
The subject should be maladjusted
and harbor resentment towards me.
- I've seen that one.
- And a monkey.
The ray only has evil applications.
They're children who need books and
families who can't make ends meet.
But $ 100,000 just
isn't enough. I need more.
It's too hot, maniac!
Turn on the air already!
Please partake of keno, craps
and the town's loosest slots.
$5000 on... What century is this?
Quit while you're ahead, understand?
You gotta leave!
...and lose, and start
again at your beginnings...
Aired 31 years ago - Mar 07, 1991
After a series of destructive acts, Homer decides that Santa's Little Helper must go unless he passes obedience school. As the dog's last hours with the family approach, Bart must find a way to get through to him.
I see. Quite ingenious.
-lf Bart stays home, I go to school.
Lisa, you wasted chicken pox.
Don't waste the mumps.
Wandering mongrel. Get out of
my mom-and-pop operation.
...because my dog is tied up!
Look at this rascal. He's a wet boy,
isn't he? You're a water monster.
They've got Velcro, a water pump,
built-in odometer, and vanity plates.
-Swelling of the parotids.
-I knew it.
Arithmetic. Before you know it, you'll
be back among your polygons...
Lenny, I need to leave. Cover for me.
-You try it.
I'll take these three.
-But I can't--
Do your own homework, Bart!
We agreed to consult before
It's a penalty kick--
I'll tell you the most important
words you'll ever hear...
The dog's eyes will cross,
and his tongue will protrude slightly.
Because that's the way
you love it, baby.
Bad dog! Don't worry, Snowball.
Like a hose, you wrinkled queen.
Well, you win.
He taught me that music is a fire
that comes out your mouth.
...come on, don't get upset.
I've suffered at the paws
of this dog...
We can question his disposition,
but we can't question his heart.
No, we have to commit to it.
Take a walk.
Sniff that other dog's butt.
Good dog! Isn't that amazing?
See you soon.
Miss Winthrop, I was thinking.
Perhaps I cling to the old ways
like a well-chewed shoe...
Come on, boy. Sit!
-What are you doing?
-Sewing a new quilt.
I thought we'd be pals forever.
Aired 31 years ago - Feb 21, 1991
Homer's long-lost half-brother is the CEO of a car company that's wildly successful... until he hires Homer to help design a car for the average man.
-Not a word.
-No panto-ma-mine, either.
Now get back
to the pharmacy, you quack!
Hey, handsome, wanna dunk the clown?
A year later, I married your mother
and we had you.
Since I'm the one you kept,
it means you really love me.
Know where this bastard lives?
His parents aren't married.
-They tore that down 30 years ago.
-Thirty years! I'll never find him!
I've spent years searching
for my long-Iost twin brother--
Please! This is my life
we're talking about here!
Changing the subject makes you a
worthless excuse for a human being--
Let's see, Powell....
It's a long shot, but--
Because I'm your baby brother, Homer!
I'll tell you what,
why don't you come here?
-What are you doing here?
-What does it look like?
But Mommy and Daddy didn't pay my way!
She was the Greek goddess
of spring and rebirth.
I guess they extend to
when the Angles met the Saxons.
-What was he so upset about?
Our three children,
Bart, Lisa and Maggie.
Oh, what's to know?
Just dive in. Catch!
-Even pork chops?
-Absolutely. We've a tennis court--
-You sure love pork chops!
-He sure does, Uncle Herb.
So, Marge, a little about yourself.
-You weren't watching!
-You didn't see!
That's right! With applesauce.
-Americans don't want big cars.
Instead of listening,
you're telling people what they want.
Homer, meet my team of engineers.
They're gonna build your car.
He'll change American
-Why don't you get us some coffee?
I think I did.
It's because you're an average schmo.
Now go get them!
The little ball you put on the aerial
so you can find your car.
...because that means we're
on the right track.
-Homer Simpson is a brilliant man...
Put a horn here, here and here.
I can't find it when I'm mad.
A separate soundproof dome for
the kids? With restraints and muzzles.
I could have been watching cartoons!
-Do you miss the Antarctic?
-Now this is spoiling them.
...members of the press,
Jerry, what's the sticker price?
Aired 31 years ago - Feb 14, 1991
When Marge begs Homer to find Selma a husband, he sets her up with Principal Skinner... who falls in love with Patty instead.
...one of the statistically small
number of single 40-year-olds...
I'll get right to it.
I'm getting older and uglier.
...so you could see that car
shaped like a giant bowling pin?
-I want you to find Selma a husband.
-Find a husband?!
Patty chose celibacy but Selma
simply had it thrust upon her.
According to my sources,
you are simultaneously planning...
-He'll never get away with it.
-He just goes too far.
...I still think they're the best
Tater Tots money can buy.
The sheer contempt makes me wish
I could use the board of education.
Come on, one of you guys
has got to be Homer Sexual!
Sorry, Principal Skinner.
It's a bad connection, I think.
...I'd like to punish Bart through
backbreaking physical labor.
But enough about Bart.
Tell me, are you married?
I'm too nervous. You do it.
So, Patty, tell me, tell me more
about your trip to Egypt.
...the Parents Advisory Board asked
that I see Space Mutants Part V.
Pack of Lady Laramies.
Save your strength, lad. There's a
whole field for you to re-sod yet.
Have I ever. The thought of doing
wrong makes my stomach turn.
You don't want to show up for your big
date looking like Yosemite Sam.
Cherry cordials. I hope you like them.
-This evening has been disappointing.
and still working as a busboy!
Oh, yes. Plenty of fish.
We just don't have any bait.
One kiss. But I don't want
you bragging to your friends.
Attention! Seymour Skinner is in love!
I gotta find a date for my big, fat,
snotty sister-in-law, Selma.
My sister's not going out
with Barney Gumble!
But nothing! She's a heifer,
plain and simple--
It's not that I don't love you.
Aired 31 years ago - Feb 07, 1991
Homer becomes the most popular guy in town when he gets an illegal cable hook-up, but Lisa fears he will go to hell for violating the Eighth Commandment.
He offered to hook me up illegally
to every channel for $50.
This is okay.
Everybody does it, right?
I have an announcement to make.
The Simpsons have cable!
Is this legal?
We'll teach you to lower your
bill by making your own Band-Aids.
This is where Jaws eats the boat.
They think people watch that.
Children, I don't want you to get
frightened but I must teach you this.
If you actually saw hell, you'd be
so frightened you would die.
-...unless I say "hell."
-He has a point.
-Are you sure this isn't stealing?
-Read the pamphlet.
Wait a minute. I'm confused.
Did you say "cleans and straightens"?
-What's gotten into Lisa?
-Beats the hell out of me!
Thou shalt not....
-Just charge me something, please.
Oh, great. All right,
what makes you say that?
Run for the hills, Ma Barker,
before I call the feds!
Not too shabby!
What do you say?
Excellent. I'm so keen on seeing
Watson vs. Tatum Two...
-You are quite wealthy.
-Thank you. Your candor is refreshing.
-So, Homer, I hear you got the fight.
-Somebody's having a party.
-Friday night. Wanna come over?
No. It is if he puts anything
on it. Jelly, for example.
-Should I have him arrested?
-That seems like an ideal solution.
You're watching Top Hat Entertainment.
Adult programming all day, every day.
Oil service stocks slumped....
Stealing cable is wrong,
so I'm not watching it...
Why can't she be more like...?
Well, not like Bart.
I can't afford it. When I can
afford to pay for it, I will.
-It's coming down. That's it!
You sure about this?
Doesn't look friendly.
You must be at least
8 years old.
-How many people are coming?
-Just a select circle.
You have a special motivation
going into this bout.
You dedicate the fight
to your manager!
Will you get--? Hey, go protest
outside, will you? Now!
-Okay, that stuff I stole from work.
Hello, Mr. Burns.
Like to watch the fight?
...and honed his skills while
serving time for assault...
I've made a couple of
Eight! Nine! Ten!
Aired 31 years ago - Jan 31, 1991
When the TV breaks, Marge and Homer entertain the kids with the story of how they first met.
Who needs that? I'm never going
to England. Let's smoke.
-We're late for wood shop!
-Let's go grab a burger.
I found out that to hire professionals
to do all the jobs of a housewife...
Ms. Bouvier, I am surprised. One day
of detention. You know where and when.
There's gotta be a girl
nobody wants to take.
-I haven't seen you in school.
-What's the matter?
Oh, son, don't overreach!
Okey-dokey. Good Lord, you should've
come to see me a long time ago.
She's active on the forensics team.
They meet in room 219.
But bringing up a son, even a blind
one, isn't a lifetime occupation.
I'll take that, stinkpot!
Just warming up, Mrs. Bloominstein.
Just ask Coach Flanagan. And ask
Mr. Seckofsky and Barney Gumble!
He's all things to men and maybe to
a lucky gal. Wanna go to prom with me?
French? What a coincidence! Just
the subject I'm having trouble with.
Uh-oh, a zit. No problemo.
Not me. Shut it off and let's get down
Wait. Wait. Why don't we
take a little study break?
You're telling me new stuff
and minutes later, it's still there.
I'll take that as a compliment.
Will you go out with me? Say oui.
Wait, Marge. If honest and open is
what you like, get a load of this.
Hey, Barney. Guess who's
got a date for the prom?!
...the more you hurt him.
"America's Affair With the Prom."
"Even wallflowers can date--"
Is Marge here?
Here she comes.
Get the camera ready.
...even though it meant skipping
school and graduating this summer.
Now that that unpleasantness is over,
let's take a picture of the couple.
Don't dance too closely, now.
Have a good time.
-Steak or chicken?
Oh, isn't she great? Hail, Queen Marge!
Long live the queen!
Usually when I have a thought, there's
others. Something says yes and no.
Artie, I don't know. It was a
beautiful evening. Let's not ruin it.
Aired 31 years ago - Jan 24, 1991
After eating poisonous blowfish at a sushi restaurant, Homer decides to live life to the fullest in the 24 hours he has left to live.
Akira, I'd like two sharks,
an octopus and an eel.
I'd like to dedicate this song
to my wife, Patty.
I don't believe I've tried
the flying fish roll.
-Not fugu. If it's cut improperly--
-Yes, it's poisonous, maybe fatal.
-I said cover for me, damn it!
-Master, we need your skilled hands.
-I want fugu!
Beautiful language, isn't it?
"Try something new.
How can it hurt you, Homer?"
If you have consumed blowfish venom,
and the chef said it's probable...
Death anxiety is normal.
Expect to go through five stages.
Your progress astounds me.
I'll leave you two alone.
I'm not done yet, Marge.
"Watch the sunrise."
-Why did you let me sleep late?
-You looked so peaceful.
I wanna have a heart-to-heart talk!
Number one: Cover for me.
Number two: Oh, good idea, boss!
...tear off some little squares
and stick one there...
And that's how we shave.
Does a father have to explain?
Let's just share your gift, okay?
"Make videotape for Maggie."
Hope that didn't scare you.
Maggie, you're grown-up now.
Gee. If I wasn't
on such a tight schedule....
-Maybe we don't wanna give it to you.
-Maybe we wanna haul your butt in.
Okay, Flash. You get one phone call.
Thanks! I just wasted my only
call on your stupid--
What did you do? Kill a judge?
-Sometimes candles are fun.
You're dying and you wouldn't even
stop to have a beer with your buddies?
-Burns! Eat my shorts!
-Who the sam hill was that?
Oh, Homer. Come on! You've got
time for one last beer. Please!
Hey, is there a Butts here?
A Seymour Butts?
It was busy.
Moe, another last beer, please.
-Come on! I gotta get home!
I know you'll make me proud.
Oh, it's read by Larry King.
Amariah begets Ahitub.
Aired 31 years ago - Jan 10, 1991
After Mr. Burns hits Bart with his car, ambulance-chasing attorney Lionel Hutz persuades Homer and Marge to sue for a million dollars.
Remember, lie, cheat, steal
and listen to heavy metal music!
I did go away, Mom!
-It turns into a sponge in water.
He might have permanent injuries.
You may have to wait on him...
You're right. When you're up to it,
come to my office and we'll talk.
Better let him rest a while.
Simpson, at last we meet.
...relinquishing your right to sue.
In here, Mr. Simpson.
Yes, Harvard, Yale, MIT, Oxford,
the Sorbonne, the Louvre.
Your son is a very sick boy.
Just look at the X-rays!
No, of course you won't.
Mrs. Simpson, you're not a doctor.
He's not, I'm not.
A million dollars? Smithers!
I want this Homer Simpson fired!
They might be critical of you firing
him so soon after the accident.
Springfield Municipal Court is now
in session. Judge Moulton presiding.
...I'll cite you for contempt.
...and telling a lie, don't you?
Yes, sir. It was a beautiful
Mr. Burns, relate in your own words...
Take me, I'm old!
They hate me?
What trial were you watching?
I didn't know you liked animals.
Yes. Now, old chum...
Well, a handsome sum that can end
this imbroglio once and for all.
He's offering us this
because he knows he'll lose...
Phony doctors? Hello.
Your Honor, I'd like
to call to the stand...
-She was taking that very seriously.
-Oh, the truth!
But wait a minute! I'm confused.
What is your opinion of Dr. Riviera?
Now that I think about it,
I'm not sure he's a doctor.
...so that may not count as anguish.
It's not quite as large
as the last one...
No, you two-timing, backstabbing--
-Marge, may I go to Moe's for a drink?
You're better off.
Rich people aren't happy.
-My name's Marge.
You think this is about money?
It's not. It's worse.
It's time to be honest.
Aired 31 years ago - Dec 20, 1990
Marge wages a one-woman campaign against violence on the Itchy and Scratchy Show. She wins that battle, but draws the line at censoring Michelangelo's "David."
Where would a child get the idea
to attack her father with a mallet?
But if you take them away, we'll grow
up without humor and be robots.
You heard me. I won't be in for
the rest of the week.
-What are you doing?
-Cataloguing the violence.
What kind of warped human being
would find that funny?
I know this may
sound silly at first...
Yours truly, Marge Simpson.
How long are we gonna do this?
It's a crusade
against cartoon violence.
-I'll make up for it.
-Who's up for cartoons?
Hi, kids! Guess what, Sideshow Mel.
-Who are you people?
-What do we want?
That screwball, Marge Simpson.
-When do we want it?
So much brutality.
I don't know if I'm having any impact.
Where do they get their ideas?
Are cartoons too violent? Most people
say, "No! What a stupid question!"
--Krusty, whose program brings us
Itchy & Scratchy every afternoon....
-It's a bad influence on children.
-Give me a break!
-It went on for 30 years.
-This was before cartoons?
I'm referring to women who love too
much, fear of winning, sex-aholism.
Not a thing.
Now, for another opinion.
Mrs. Simpson, in the nine seconds
left, can you summarize your position?
Wow, that's cold.
-Itchy stole Scratchy's ice cream--
-Make it a pie. Easier to draw.
-How do we end this?
It's an asphalt spreader!
It's 67 tools in one!
-Turn it up!
-Hey kids! Time for Itchy & Scratchy!
-This hits the spot.
-No. Come on.
-Maybe there's something else to do.
What did you kids do today?
Wow! What great kids.
This is the golden age, Marge!
...on a tour of the U.S.
Well, I guess that settles that.
Aired 31 years ago - Dec 06, 1990
Bart decides to emulate his hero, daredevil Lance Murdoch, and performs increasingly risky stunts on his skateboard. When he sets his sights on Springfield Gorge, Homer intervenes.
If you miss it, you better be dead or
in jail. If you're in jail, break out!
I have my first solo. If you miss it,
start looking for a child therapist.
-We can go to both.
-Marge, you're a genius!
Ladies, gentlemen, parents. Welcome
to the first in a series of concerts.
-That was beautiful. Can we go now?
-Sit down, Homer.
It's coming up, son.
It's coming up.
Pull! Pull, you dogs!
I'm Leo G. Clark, inventor
and operator of Truck-a-saurus.
Look, Homer, champagne!
Let the destruction begin!
Hey, they forgot my corn dogs.
...filled with great white sharks...
...one drop of human blood.
What a fun-filled evening.
Bart? Bart? We're home, son.
Spare me your lectures, ladies.
...and monkey see, monkey do.
This little boy broke his leg
trying to fly like Superman.
-I did it.
-Wow! All right!
...that you do from reading.
This is Lisa and Bart Simpson.
Bart's one of your biggest fans.
-Who should I make it to?
Your pal, Captain Lance Murdock.
Good to see kids
interested in danger.
Tell the nurse it's my bath time.
I can and do! Go to your room!
There, I did it.
He's got us. There's nothing
we can do. He's as good as dead.
-Bart? What are you doing?!
This isn't a promise
I don't expect you to keep.
-How did it go?
-We got a pretty good kid there.
You'll see what it's like to watch
a family member risk his life...
-I won't jump anymore. I promise!
-Thank God! Thank God!
This is the greatest thrill of my life!
I'm king of the world!
Aired 31 years ago - Nov 22, 1990
Bart ruins Thanksgiving when he accidentally destroys Lisa's Thanksgiving centerpiece. Angry at being asked to apologize, he runs away and roams Springfield in search of dinner.
-Honey, you're in the way.
-Can't I help?
It's in the second drawer from
the right. No, no, the other one.
Cranberry sauce à la Bart.
He wants them to lose
by less than five points.
Some people find your turkey
a little dry.
...invites you to join them in
a salute to the greatest hemisphere...
Before we sit down to our
delicious turkey purée...
Oh, I knew they wouldn't forget me.
Lisa, my goodness.
That's very impressive.
I couldn't tell you.
It was a labor of love.
-Move it, toots!
-Hey, that got her going!
I'll take some white meat to go,
and send up the pie.
And Lord, we're thankful
for nuclear power...
Lord, be honest! Are we the most
pathetic family in the universe?
They think they can starve
an apology out of me?
Come on, give me that. Give me that!
Don't! Okay, out you go!
It's cooling on the windowsill.
Don't worry. We'll get some grub.
Even if we have to pay for it.
At the risk of losing my voice...
-Isn't that true, Homer?
Oh, we have our reasons:
You won't find the freeloader or
Charlie Chaplin's little tramp here.
"I saw the best meals--"
Give me the number for 911!
See you at Christmas.
Forget the report?
He's down at the Rescue Mission!
-I said he ruined Thanksgiving.
-Oh, I see.
This is a terrible thing
-Hey, everybody, I'm home.
-Bart? You're home!
-Okay, I'm sorry too.
-No, no, no! That won't do at all!
I'm sorry all right.
Sorry I came back here!
...Simpson down by six
with two seconds left.
...and maybe it's my fault.
I failed to take his abuse with humor.
Because you hate me
or because you're bad?
Aired 31 years ago - Nov 15, 1990
Competition erupts between neighbors when Todd Flanders and Bart enter a miniature golf tournament. Facing increasing pressure from their fathers, the boys find a way to settle things.
-I've got the best dad in the world.
-Now you know how that embarrasses me.
I'm afraid I'm gonna have to ask you
to leave. I hope you understand.
-Lousy bragging know-it-all showoff.
-What did he say?
-He's perfect now, is he?
-He's not perfect, but he is nice.
And yet I feel a great sadness
in my bosom."
-What a sap.
-Read the bosom part again, Dad.
I'm studying for the math fair.
If I win, I'll get a protractor.
-D'oh! That was practice.
-Play it where it lays.
-Give up, there's a six-stroke limit.
-I can still make this for five.
Final score: Bart, 41. Homer....
Yeah? The fruit of my loins can beat
the fruit of your loins any day.
Keep your head down.
Not you, I'm talking to the boy.
-Now give your putter a name.
...and how glorious it will be
when you and Charlene destroy him.
Aren't you making too big a deal
of this tournament?
Who are those guys in chess
that don't matter?
-Close the logical part of your mind.
It is time.
"May the best man win."
The loser's mating call.
-Simpson, you're starting to annoy me.
-How about this, Henny Penny?
-Read that back to me.
-"The father of the loser--"
Good gravy, what did I do?
Marge, give me your honest opinion.
This, or this?
Welcome to the finale...
-But here goes. I believe in you.
Young Flanders has the honor
and will tee off first.
Neither in best form. This pressure
can unhinge the steeliest competitor.
Ladies and gentlemen, we have a draw.
Aired 31 years ago - Nov 08, 1990
Homer becomes a local celebrity as the Springfield Isotopes' mascot. When he's promoted to the big leagues, the family moves to Capital City.
Red Hots! Get your Red Hots here!
Check out the mature quail
Hey, everybody! How you doing?
Mr. Montgomery Burns!
-I could hear the air being torn, sir.
-Oh, shut up!
Let's go! Swing, batter!
If someone of your stature can enjoy a
beer, maybe I'm wrong on the subject.
Little baby batter,
can't control his bladder!
'Topes have 1 out, down by 3.
What's wrong with you?
Show some spirit!
He's banned for life
from all company outings.
-Hey, cool, man!
-Our lives have taken an odd turn.
-Go, Dancing Homer! Get up, man!
-Lively up yourself, Dancing Homer.
Here's the pitch.
Swung on and missed. Strike three.
-You make me sick.
-I'm not firing you.
This was a big decision. I should've
listened to my kids, not my dumb wife.
Capital City is too complex. Everyone
here knows us and has forgiven us.
I've gotta convince my supervisor
to give me time off.
Milhouse, this way,
we'll be friends forever.
I can't believe it. Our baby sister.
...10 years on the same job
for the same salary.
-Look, it's Tony Bennett!
-Hey, good to see you.
You're with the players' wives.
Cheer for me.
-The Capital City Goofball.
-Hello, glad to have you.
I dance and spell out the name
of the city to "Baby Elephant Walk."
Upper, upper, upper mezzanine.
A free ticket to a big-league park,
but I was too tense to enjoy the game.
I was graceful. I was witty.
Brother, I was something!
These cornball antics
don't play in Capital City!
Aired 31 years ago - Nov 01, 1990
When a three-eyed fish is found in a nearby stream, the Springfield Nuclear Power Plant faces bad publicity and fails an inspection. Mr. Burns runs for governor, but his spin doctors are no match for Marge.
Very stirring, sir.
Here they come.
I'm as shocked as you.
Look here, inspector, could I speak
to you privately in my office?
The money and a
stupid man are still here.
Either bring this place up to code,
or we'll shut it down. Good day.
Yeah, these 12-hour
days are killing me.
I just meant you could afford
to run for governor.
-He's got my vote.
-Homer, we're a Mary Bailey family.
While Bailey is beloved by all...
-Because you're smiling!
But first there's a burning issue that
we need to neutralize.
Oh, no! An election? That's when
they close the bars, isn't it?
-There you go!
Many of you think he's a
a hideous mutation.
If these changes
are an improvement...
...came upon an elephant
next to our power plant...
Only a moron wouldn't cast his vote
For Monty Burns
Congratulations, Mr. Burns,
the polls show you're up six points.
-We went through her trash.
-Talked to her maid.
...will see me chow down
with Eddie Punchclock.
Kids, please leave.
I don't want you to see this.
Can I ask him to assuage my fears
that he's contaminating the planet...
All right. Good. That's how I'm going
to express myself. Good night.
We're eating with the common
man, not Tyrone Power.
You bad dog! Bad neighbor dog!
Here, let me help you up.
The way you handled the pets
put you over the top.
...I'll lower taxes whether bureaucrats
in the state capital like it or not!
--or even a square deal.
Aired 31 years ago - Oct 24, 1990
In the first segment, the family moves into a haunted mansion. In the second segment, aliens abduct the Simpsons and invite them to what might be their last supper. In the final segment, Lisa reads Bart Edgar Allan Poe's classic poem "The Raven."
-Quiet. You're scaring your mother.
We're not talking about a few dollars.
We're talking a few thousand dollars!
Die! Die! Everybody die!
This family has had
Mr. Plott? Homer Simpson here.
-He says he mentioned it.
-Let's go, kids.
...possibly your brains, will start
coming out through your nose.
Better than your eyes bursting.
Don't talk that way.
You can't help but feel
a little rejected.
Well, that last story was a warmup
for this macabre tale I call:
By coincidence, our languages
are exactly the same.
We face that prejudice every day,
but we are happy on our planet.
The girl's right. Let's get some
applesauce for these pork chops!
We get over a million channels
from the far reaches of the galaxy.
Anyone that has mastered
intergalactic travel, raise your hand.
Oh, we wouldn't want to
spoil our appetite for...
-Tell us more about this feast.
-No, eat now.
Excellent, Mr. Simpson. Excellent.
-You have stopped eating.
-Let me get this straight.
-They thought we would eat them.
Well, if you wanted to make Serak cry,
You would have experienced emotions
greater than what you call love...
There were monsters on that
ship, and we were them.
While I pondered
Weak and weary
Only this and nothing more
Filled me with fantastic terrors
Never felt before
I was napping, and you came rapping
And so faintly you came tapping
Soon again I heard tapping
Something louder than before
No obeisance made he
Not a minute stayed he
-Tell me what thy name is--
-Quoth the Raven
-Perfumed by some unseen censer
-Be that word our sign of parting--
-I shrieked up starting
Take thy beak from out my heart
And take thy form from off my door
The Raven never flitting
Still is sitting, still is sitting
Aired 31 years ago - Oct 18, 1990
After Homer charges a miracle hair growth treatment to the company's health insurance, his new found confidence gets him a promotion.
Forget you, pal.
Thanks for nothing.
Fill out some insurance forms.
Charge Dimoxinil to the company.
I'd like to charge that Dimoxinil
stuff to my health insurance.
-Good morning, Moe's Tavern!
-It's the president.
Just between us girls,
he hasn't been this frisky in years.
Looks like Homer Simpson,
only more dynamic and resourceful.
Your "resume" seems in order.
Do you have any specialties?
Meeting in the board room
tomorrow at 2.
I want you to say to
yourself, "I deserve this.
-Our first issue is low productivity...
...we had a problem with
fish sticks at lunch.
I like the cut of your jib.
Output is just as
high during his last holiday.
A man who got things done.
-A short speech, "Work. Work. Work."
I know what it is.
Make an example of this hooligan.
Wait, Mr. Smithers. Homer Simpson
is innocent. I did this.
Have I done something extraordinary
here today? No.
-Bye, Karl. I'm gonna miss you.
-Bye, Mr. Simpson.
But you've got your hair.
But I'll tell you three
things that will haunt you forever.
Got that speech in five minutes.
You're not going to hang yourself?
Your obedient servant, Karl.
Good luck, sir.
-I'm a big fool.
-No, you're not.
Who is that old geezer?
What's he done with Homer Simpson?
-This bald man has no ideas.
-lf it's a joke, I'm not laughing.
Dead man coming through.
You may find this hard
to believe, but in my salad days...
Get out of here before I reconsider.
Aired 31 years ago - Oct 11, 1990
In danger of flunking the fourth grade, Bart strikes a deal with the class brain: in exchange for tutoring, he will help Martin become more popular.
-You haven't been paying attention!
A couple more games
and I'll hit the books.
it's down to business.
Hand me your paper.
I'll put it on the refrigerator.
Well, maybe just one more hour.
On September 15, 1620, separatists
from the Church of England...
Just a little dim, I guess.
-Why'd they leave England?
All right, take one
and pass the rest back.
Maybe one more dish.
Make it cappuccino chocolate fudge.
-You'll still fail that test.
-I've got my bases covered.
Here you go, Mrs. Krabappel.
You'll be pleasantly surprised.
This is a classic case of what
laymen refer to as "fear of failure."
Bart failed his last four exams.
Is there anything you haven't told us?
It isn't that simple.
Look in my eyes.
See the sincerity? See the fear?
My recommendation is for Bart
to repeat the fourth grade.
-Quit bugging me about the pirate.
-Long John Silver, Dad.
I didn't want to interfere
with a ball in play.
They laugh at me? I'd always
considered myself rather popular.
-Very well, you've made your point.
-Then it's a deal?
The screams, the humiliation,
the fact that it wasn't me!
I need one more day to study, Lord.
I need your help.
Whoa! Good morning, world!
Now, for all you youngsters,
here it is.
Last night, you prayed for this.
Now your prayers have been answered.
I'm not missing anything.
"Four Days in Philadelphia.
-In the middle of July?
-It's a miracle.
It's a 59. That's another F.
No, you don't understand.
I tried this time. I really tried.