Aired 22 years ago - May 20, 2001
The family wins a trip to Delaware, but Homer refuses to pay the tax on the ticket, so they ride the rails and meet a hobo who sings and tells them some tall tales. The first is the tale is about "Paul Bunyan" and here we are treated to Homer
playing the role of Paul as a giant doofus, a natural role for him. The next tale shows us Lisa as "Connie Appleseed," who tries to convince the pioneers to eat apples instead of buffalo. The third tale isn't really tall, it's a Mark Twain tale about Tom Sawyer (Bart) and Huckleberry Finn (Nelson), whom go on the run when Huck won't marry Becky (Lisa).
# Thanks to a hopped-up
pituitary gland #
All right, look, we gotta
do something about Bunyan.
Uh, hey, Paulie?
Where am I?
I wish you were real.
I'll call you Babe.
You'll be my best friend.
his feet are as big as a lake.
- Got ya!
Hey, that meteor's
headed straight for us...
When I'm crushing and killing you,
you don't like me.
Let's see what you got, huh?
Well, I suppose I could
spin ya a few more yarns.
- There you go.
It just makes me so"-
Here's a story just for you, little girl.
and everybody headed west
for a slice.
- Why'd you kill another one?
but we can't find a
renewable source of food?
Of course! Apples!
Well, that's it. I don't want anything
to do with this wagon train of death.
What have I done?
What have I done?
Delicious, nutritious apples.
Yeah. I suppose you could
grind some pills into it.
rafting down the Big Muddy-
Want your turn at whitewashin'?
It's powerful fun.
A body could break his neck.
- [Homer] Aha!
Oh! Now we'll never catch 'em!
[Man On P.A.]
Please do not exit the raft...
[Both Yawn, Sigh]
and some extra-strength opium.
# He just keeps rolling #
Aired 22 years ago - May 13, 2001
The Simpsons go to see if they would like to take any of the classes at the YMCA. Homer tries out the basketball class but he tears the ACL in his knee. He can't go to work while he recovers from surgery. He is bored at home. He tries
unsuccessfully to breed the dog and the cat to each other, and then Homer takes care of Rod and Todd one evening. When he finds that he is pretty good at it, he starts a daycare center. He still neglects Bart and Lisa, making them jealous. He becomes eligible for a Good Guy award for his service to the community. A film crew follows him as he does good deeds. Bart and Lisa devise a plan to show the world that he is a neglectful father. At the awards ceremony, they show home movies of him. When he ends up choking Bart, everyone is outraged. Homer flees the ceremony with the kids in a stolen car. The police catch him and later he apologizes to Bart and Lisa for his behavior.
What with the passing,
and the dribbling...
That's a foul.
Boy, I am so sick of everyone assuming I'm good
at basketball because I'm African-American!
Willie tickles the twine for two! Oy! Oy!
No way am I taking
Maybe a little morphine
would refresh my memory.
Anyway, it all started
when I was-
Maybe a little morphine
would get me there quicker.
- What spinal cord injury?
- Oh, he fell off the gurney.
But Doctor Screwlittle
sounded like a delightful romp.
Now, Homer, I want you to stay off
that leg for two weeks.
having fun but me.
Well, I can still hang out with you guys.
Aw, come on.
There's lots of ways to pass the time.
This place is so boring. I gotta do
something to keep from going crazy.
with the loyalty of a cat
and the cleanliness of a dog!
- Stupid Flanders.
- Hey, Homer, I need to ask you a favor.
Daddy's not here, is he?
Anyway, thanks again.
Oh, I sure would. It would
give the boys a place to go after school.
Is your knee
really gross under there?
Hello. I would like to take
advantage of your baby prison.
I owe it all to my rewarding work with children.
And not picking at it.
# Is that all there is #
Yes. But then I discovered
the joys of raising children.
It's so cool.
He said it looked better on me!
How come parents are always nicer
to other kids than they are to their own?
Perfect for my day care permit.
That was "tree-mendous!"
Anyway, this film crew will shoot some
behind-the-scenes footage of your amazing work.
Aww. Did you make 'em yourself?
Back to normal.
- Now, is anyone here from Springfield?
- You know we are!
You can walk all over these doormats.
Now I'm told
there's a glitch in our Internet webcast.
We'd like to thank our sponsor,
Now let's take a look
at Homer's wonderful work.
His scabby red knee became
an infectious beacon ofhope.
And he gambles like crazy.
Well, I'd rather reserve judgment until l-
Oh, my God!
You too, Ralphie.
You're out of that day care center.
Aired 22 years ago - May 06, 2001
When he can stop thinking of her and to help him stop living in the past, Ned gets the Simpson family to help remove all the reminders of Maude he has around the house. Only one item misses getting thrown into the chipper, a sketchbook that
contains Maude's vision of a Christian amusement park called "Praiseland." Ned goes on a quest to build this amusement park, which, opens to lackluster reviews; describe as the "height of tedium". When suddenly a miracle occurs, as a Maude mask floats in front of the Maude statue. It is quickly discovered that anyone who stands in front of the statue has visions. Is it truly a miracle, or just the passing of gas?
- Are you blushing, Mr. Flanders?
- No, I'm not-
Oh, hey, Rachel. [Chuckles]
Well, what do you know?
All you do
is change "Jesus" to "baby."
- I can hear her, Homer!
- He can hear you, Rachel!
Ned, I understand if you feel uncomfortable.
You're still getting over your wife.
Oh, uh, could you sleep
on my side?
Mmm, I love chenille. Don't you?
Oh, my God! You're trying to make me
look like your dead wife!
Yeah, maybe it was too soon.
Don't listen to him.
You just have a good time at the eye doctor.
Homer, don't you have any respect?
Someone had a fetish.
- You said we were doing this out of friendship.
But to build an amusement park, you need
lots of money and manpower and turnstiles.
- But where do you put something that big?
Well, it's been closed
for so long, and l-
Tell you what. Maybe I could donate
the park as a tax write-off.
your pen and we'll make it official.
No, I don't mind, but my greenback stack's
gettin' kind of slack.
Well, I guess I could
donate these costumes.
Good food though.
We now go live to its founder,
Mr. Nedward Flanders.
It is with great pride that I dedicate
this new school, sports arena or attraction.
[Children Shouting, Laughing]
- [All Gasp]
- I hope you enjoy hearing them all.
- Oh, that's it!
- Let's both sit in the car.
- Oh, you want me to stamp your
hand so you can get back in?
- Don't you dare!
Oh, Maude, I turned your dream of a Christian
amusement park into a bemusement park.
I think it's a sign from God that we
should all go nuts! Whoa-hoa!
Because when you look at it rationally-
- [All Gasp]
- But it wasn't clouds and angels playing harps...
Oh, truly this was
the will of Maude.
- [Chattering, Shouting]
- Homer, no! I can't exploit a divine manifestation.
But, hey, Saint Peter, you just said,
like, you was full.
- Who's next?
- That would be me. Thank you, sonny.
- Help me, Mr. Spock!
- Shazbot! My captain is in peril.
Oh, there's no explaining
God's will, Roddy.
Uh- Uh, folks, I just discovered...
Will there still be money for the orphans?
Aired 22 years ago - Apr 29, 2001
Homer's thumb is cut off following breakfast and the episode follows three different paths. Homer's day: as he and Marge race to get his thumb reattached. Lisa's day: as she misses the bus and tries to get to school so that she can win the science
fair, but finds herself at one point at West Springfield Elementary. Bart's day: as he and Milhouse make use of a stash of fireworks that Fat Tony has illegally smuggled into the country. In the end their respective paths come together.
- Or is it the right? Look out for the reach-around!
- We've just gotta get your thumb to the-
- [Both Gasp]
I cut off my husband's thumb.
it's, um, 123 Fake Street.
- went straight to hell for practicing witchcraft.
We've gotta get to the hospital, Homer!
Marge! Over here!
- A thumb is not a finger.
- Isn't there anything you can do?
No problem. Just stick the old
eye gouger in the pickle brine.
Did you ever see that Blue Man Group?
Oh, that is so rude.
- Hey, thanks for stopping.
- T'ain't nothin'.
Inflammable means flammable?
What a country!
- [Powering Off]
Son of a diddly!
- [Ringing Frantically]
- And it sounds like he has big news!
- I'm sorry. I thought he was a party robot.
- Just come on.
- [Horn Honking]
Somebody took my bike!
What a foolish question!
Of course you will...
at the magnet high school. Now, go.
- Yeah, yeah. We all got problems.
- That sounds like Fat Tony.
- Only one way to be sure.
The pay stinks, but-
Not right now.
Your father's in there, and-
We're out of gas. I couldn't figure out
this stupid Italian gas gauge.
Dang! You could be
one of them TV magic queers.
Well, I've already borrowed one car.
- [Ringing Frantically]
- And it sounds like he has big news!
- This is where I come to cry.
Three, two, one. Gnomes, blow up.
Yeah. They'll pass you around like-
Great idea to smuggle fireworks, boss.
[Wiggum On Radio]
Fat Tony, is that you? Fat Tony?
Hey, there they are!
- [Gasps, Screams]
Aired 22 years ago - Apr 01, 2001
Maggie eats a magazine and Marge takes her to the hospital, leaving Homer to do the food shopping. Homer abuses a bag boy, which leads to the bag boys going out on strike. With them on strike, the family does not go grocery shopping. When their
food runs out, Homer searches the house for food and he finds 30+-year-old animal crackers. When he opens the box, he finds it contains a golden giraffe; the token, which indicates the recipient, has won an African safari. The manufacturer honors the prize and sends the Simpson family to Africa. Their tour of the African wilderness is very strange. A local tribe treats them to a concert. Later, when a hippo tries to attack Homer, the Simpson family escapes on a makeshift raft. They sail down river and end up having to fend for themselves in the wilderness. They come across a scientist who is researching monkeys. When poachers come to take the monkeys, the Simpson family helps him to fight back. Lisa soon discovers that the researcher actually runs a chimp diamond mine and the poachers are actually Greenpeace. The Simpsons fly back home.
Hey, hey, watch
what you're doin' there, sack monkey.
Okay, that's it.
On behalf of Sack Stuffers local 199...
Mr. Simpson, please,
will you go home?
from hosting a casual get-together.
Very old animal crackers!
"Find the golden giraffe, and we'll
send you and your family to Africa."
Sir, that contest ended 30 years ago.
Ow! My eye!
I'm sorry. It is now called
- Isn't that cute? A bush baby.
He seized power in a bloodless coup-
I will come down for your bags.
No, no. You have it inside out.
- What did you just see, Lisa?
- I know, but-
I don't care. I hate them.
It's over two million years old.
The Maasai chief
welcomes you to his village.
- Bart! I told you not to get your lip "disked. '"
- All right.
- ## [Jazzy Riffs]
A hungry, hungry hippo. Aaah!
It's working. Aaah! Leeches!
Oh. You think they settled
that bag boy strike yet?
This flower saved our lives.
Bart, go to the top of that hill
and see if you can spot our hotel.
- Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!
- [Homer] Overtime for bag boys?
Well, now I've heard everything.
Well, thank you.
See, Jojo? She likes it.
- I mean, I knew scientists
wasted their lives, but geez!
Give us the chimps,
and no one gets hurt.
- [Both Grunt]
- Somebody light this monkey.
And we're not leaving
till we rescue every animal here.
Aired 22 years ago - Mar 11, 2001
A new kid comes to Springfield Elementary and Lisa attempts to make friends with this new girl, but for all her trouble she just winds up the victim of this female version of Nelson. Lisa discovers the cause; pheromones given off by nerds are what
attract bullies and she presents her findings where there needed most, the "12th Annual Big Science Thing". Meanwhile, after a visit from a baby safety consultant gets the Simpson home safe, Homer decides to go into the safety industry, making Springfield safe for all children.
Aired 22 years ago - Mar 04, 2001
The Simpson family goes to "Blockoland". When Lisa gets ripped off, Homer sticks up for her and is successful. He vows to start helping the little guy. He helps Bart get a girlfriend and helps Marge get her hair streaked. He even tries to help
Lenny get a refund from the Springfield Isotopes' owner, H.K. Duff VIII. In doing so, he discovers that the owner is moving the baseball team to Albuquerque. He tries to tell the media about it, but they don't believe him. He vows to go on a hunger strike to call attention to the situation. This seems hopeless, because of Homer's voracious appetite. He chains himself to a lawn chair and starts getting a lot of attention. Then management, seizing an opportunity, begins exploiting him until the truth finally comes out about the Albuquerque deal.
Check it out.
I built myself a healthy apple.
Hey, Boat 28, stop splashing.
Ow! Why did I get this LEGO shirt?
What kind of a thing is that
to tell your children?
- So, how's that new block I got ya?
They were beating out my shirt fire.
- Got a problem, Bart?
- The girl at school won't go to the dance with me.
Why won't you go out with Bart?
hurled to the ground.
- Think of the cost. I'd be ruined!
- Oh, really?
And I gave that man directions
even though I didn't know the way...
The team's been terrible since they got bought
by the cheap, heartless Duff Corporation.
They said they wanted it.
Is this the executive office
of the ball club?
- Spin that back the way it was.
- Yes, sir.
No. No. We would never abandon
our loyal Springfield fans.
Duffman, could you bring in two bottles
of smooth, untainted Duff?
How long have I been out here?
Members of the media,
thank you for coming.
He's right, folks. The only story here
is the rich, smooth taste of Duff.
Well, Homie, I believe you're
telling the truth about the Isotopes.
Bob Dylan wrote songs.
Cesar Chavez staged hunger strikes.
I'm on a hunger strike starting right...
- Now it begins.
- Dad, I'm so proud of you.
Don't worry. Duff s not gonna
let me waste away to nothing.
- They're secretly planning
to move to Albuquerque.
Oh, Seymour, you shouldn't have.
[Grunts] But Homer Simpson
doesn't give into temptation that easily.
Yeah, but his weary shuffling
makes my heart smile.
and farted at the ballplayers?
Folks, it's time to meet a real super fan...
Hear that, folks?
He said, "Go, 'Topes!"
- [Loud Chomping]
- Death is a part of baseball.
- Oh, yeah. The main part.
- Turn on the sprinklers.
Who are you?
Yeah. This is getting sad.
Let's bring him in.
- [Crowd Cheering]
Aired 22 years ago - Feb 25, 2001
Homer "runs" in the Springfield marathon, but when Bart crashes the end of the race an unruly mob is ready to lynch him. A passing stranger rescues him and offers Bart the opportunity to join a new boy band "Party Posse" as the bad boy. Other
members of this new band include, Milhouse, Nelson and Ralph. Using NASA technology to enhance their voices they might just make it. And they will, until it is revealed that their videos and music are rigged to brainwash people into joining the Navy. Their manager goes crazy when the government cuts off his funding, but with a little help from N' Sync, the boys of Party Posse try to save the staff of "Mad Magazine" from certain destruction.
Aired 22 years ago - Feb 18, 2001
Krusty feels pressure from the network to change his show, so he decides to retire for the fifth and final time. Meanwhile, in prison Sideshow Bob becomes outraged when he finds out that Krusty has erased his past by taping over all his old
episodes. He gets released from prison and begins plotting his revenge. First he gets an assistant janitor job at Springfield Elementary and then he begins turning Bart into a Krusty killing machine. During the Krusty's final bow, he expresses his regret for what he did to Sideshow Bob just a Bart is about to kill him…
What do you want from me?
I do a kids' show.
Did that exit work for you?
We'll be back with a sketch
set in the craziest place!
But now these jerks
have sucked all the fun out.
- [All Gasp]
- Quitting show biz.
Well, I think it's good for a show to go
off the air before it becomes stale and repetitive.
We now go live to Krustylu Studios.
- [Chuckles] That was eight years ago.
- Is it Pittsburgh?
You like that?
No charge. Mukluk.
- What would you do?
Hey, hey! Lights out!
First, my prison-issued shower sandals
are grossly undersized.
Okay, here's your storage locker.
Just the way you left it.
But I am a bit troubled
by your constant attempts to murder people.
The French Club picnic has been canceled.
And finally, Bart Simpson
should immediately proceed unescorted...
Ring around the rosie.
Not even an "eep"?
- I thought I was your archenemy.
- I have a life outside of you, Bart.
"Have Bart kill Krusty."
- I needed that for laundry!
- Hey, stupid.
Look. Krusty invited us
to the taping of his last episode.
Uh, I was at the flower shop too.
Oh, it's so great to see
a kid using a wooden bat.
Funny till the end.
the sweet nectar of vengeance!
Always a delight.
# Where you from, you sexy thing
Sexy thing, you #
My TV debut on " The Milk of Magnesia's
Summer Cavalcade." Let's watch.
Finally I got a second chance
your cue to attack
will be when Krusty says...
Can I embarrass this guy for a moment?
It was all a bookkeeping snafu.
Ah, the catwalk.
A perfect vantage point...
And you know something?
I've never had such a great audience.
You know, I'd like to thank God
for all my success...
And I've- [Grunts]
My share of- aooga!
Sideshow Bob, I'm sorry.
Aired 22 years ago - Feb 11, 2001
The Simpsons go to an old folks' talent show. Homer looks into getting a casket for Abe, but instead decides to build a tennis court. He doesn't really like tennis; he got it confused with foxy boxing. All the locals want to use the tennis court.
The Simpsons are the L.A. Clippers of tennis. Everyone mocks them behind their backs. Marge is horrified and starts to become competitive. She enters Krusty's tournament without Homer, her partner is Bart. This sets up a situation similar to that of Oedipus. Homer enters the tournament with Lisa as his partner. He turns her against Marge. At the tournament, there are a number of tennis pros in the stands. The stakes rise when Homer recruits Venus Williams and drops Lisa. Marge cries foul, so she is allowed to have Serena Williams as a partner. Serena then dumps Marge and successfully recruits Pete Sampras. Then Venus dumps Homer and successfully recruits Andre Agassi. The Simpson family then makes up. With the tennis court in their backyard, they will resume playing tennis together, right?
Hey, let's get this down to the funeral home
before they try to back out.
and "monument" to tombstone.
the monuments are
Whoa, whoa. This is gettin' kind of pricey.
We're gonna go with the wolves.
Sir, if I may, think of it
as an investment in extravagance.
You don't care what happens
to me when I die.
- " And finally, make sure the net
is tight and springy."
- And it's gonna do wonders for our social life.
Sorry. I grunted way too early.
Can you believe it?
But the real winners here
are Marge's hors d'oeuvres.
- all hats are banned from the school.
- Even bonnets?
As far as I know.
- Well! Hello, Marge.
Will you get serious, Homer?
I'd like to win at least once.
Yeah. They're easier to beat
than a suspect in shackles.
the fact that we mock them,
or that they shall never know.
I found out we're
the laughingstock of the town.
Aaah! Get 'em off! Get 'em off!
So Barney's, like,
"You're on your own, dude."
It's gonna be tough
without a partner.
the name of Bart's partner is, uh-
My manhood? I never thought of that.
Oedipus killed his father and married his mother.
He thought that trip
to the guillotine factory was just for fun...
[Grunts] Are you sure you want me
to be your doubles partner?
- Now serve.
- Well, you little- Come on, Bart.
I think he's trying
to psych you out.
Oh, where did you buy
that novelty hand, sir?
I'm not gonna do "A" material for charity.
Oh, that's loser talk.
- Hmm. You seem less disgusted. Let's go.
Aired 22 years ago - Feb 04, 2001
Despite being banned from life forever from the comic book store, Bart and Milhouse take over its management when the Comic Book Guy suffers from a cardiac episode, "the worst episode ever". Their management of the shop is fairly successful, until
they discover the Comic Book Guy's secret stash of illegal video clips and begin charging admission for their viewing. Meanwhile, the Comic Book Guy on the road to recovery receives tips from Homer on making friends to no avail. Until a chance meeting with Principal Skinner's mother sparks an unusual relationship.
- Are you averse to crispy centers, sir?
- Not at all.
It is in perma-mint condition.
Oh! Handwritten script for Star Wars
by George Lucas?
- Yeah! He's ripping you off!
And you are banned for life from all
of my performances and TV specials!
Oh, it says here that
special effects whiz Tom Savini...
I've got it all planned out.
For once in my life, I'm tall.
Don't take that away from me.
Appearing exclusively here
at The Android's Dungeon-
Hey! All right!
You, sir, are a perfect patsy.
Let me shake your hand.
- [Crowd Laughing]
If these boys hadn't called 911,
I'd be wearing that watch right now.
I run a comic book store.
Well, the Super Friends.
That's just his shopping list.
Oh, you can't make that stuff up.
- [Door Closes]
Your choices are beer
and, uh, egg soakings.
Oh, now he's ragging
on air conditioners.
Milhouse, I'm impressed.
Tough break, toots.
I need a man who answers to no one.
Well, then you'll want to stock up
on our new superhero.
So how many you need-
Human contact: The final frontier.
You are the rudest man
who ever... bought me dinner.
So how many issues of Biclops
would you like?
Well, my straw broke off
in the carton.
Shh. Use your indoor voice.
Look! He's picking his nose!
So, uh, your mother tells me you
go to Springfield Elementary.
Oh, you see a lot more
when you do my daily mole check.
"Police informant tape"?
It wasn't Dad's fault.
The ape tricked him.
We could have a midnight screening
right here in the store!
Yes, well, we're a perfect match.
Oh, that does my heart good.
- Got that right.
- [Both] Yes!
Aired 22 years ago - Jan 14, 2001
The family attends a prison rodeo and Marge sees artistic potential in one of the inmates after she sees some of his work hanging in the prison infirmary. She volunteers to teach art at the prison and then vouches for her artistic inmate at his
parole hearing. Now back in the real world, the inmate needs a job and Marge gets him one at the school, painting a picture depicting school spirit. His take on school spirit and Principal Skinners are at odds. Meanwhile Homer, whose back was injured at the rodeo, seeks the help of chiropractor. He soon discovers that his old trashcan is just as effective as the chiropractor, so he dubs it "Dr. Homer's Miracle Spinal Cylinder" and goes into business for himself. Until the chiropractors take their revenge.
No, Delbert. We're not slaughtering the animals.
Go like this.
- Now for a little calming blue.
Or maybe this was
the best damn prison rodeo ever.
Oh, God, my back!
It hurts so much!
Thank you kindly, ma'am.
They won't give us art supplies...
There's an air and space museum.
- They are coming back for us, aren't they?
- I don't know.
What are you looking at?
- [Inmates Groaning]
- That's depressing.
- Why thank you, Jack.
- No problem. Now, let's paint.
We spend too much time on the front.
That's charming, Sardonicus.
Well, if you really gotta know,
I shot a guy named Apu.
I don't see any anger.
I see a yearning for freedom.
Less yakkin', more crackin'!
- That scary guy?
- Scary talented.
I know he's made mistakes,
but someone with his talent...
Well, that's mighty nice.
- Oh, geez, I'm sorry.
- I did 'em while you were studying. [Laughs]
- Patent pending.
- Okay, okay.
He's that talented painter
who had a little brush with the law.
So, Homer, you think
you can fix my sciatica?
and I was wondering
if I could use your-
- You've been warned. Stop chiropracting!
Well, to be honest with you,
I spent the last six years in Waterville State-
- You told a lie for me.
- I know.
That is awesome.
Finally, art that doesn't suck.
Oh, I was in the zone that day.
Don't forget I can send you back
where you came from, college boy.
- I guess I could bend a little.
- Just till you make it.
- What's wrong with my sundaes?
- Excuse me, sir. Is this El Clínico Magnifico?
- Ah, you saw our bus ad.
Wait a minute.
No investor could bend like that!
- Oh, thank you, Bruce Vilanch.
- Whoopi would've made it work.
- Yeah, but Skinner said I had-
- [Crowd Murmuring]
- No! No, don't fight.
But I think the kids
will follow it to Tuesday.
- Just because he's an ex-con- Ooh!
- Crowley's an ex-con?
- That felon could've torched the whole school-
Oh, Jack. You threw it all away
over a stupid feud with Skinner.
Aired 22 years ago - Jan 07, 2001
The Simpson family goes to an animation convention. Homer falls in love with a new product there and invests the family's life savings in a company that soon declares super-duper bankruptcy. To gain their life savings back, he sells his body for
medical testing. The doctors find something odd in his head x-ray. Homer has a crayon lodged in his brain. This explains why he is such a moron. He thinks it is because he shoved crayons up his nose as a child. When the doctors remove the crayon, he gets smarter. This allows him to bond with Lisa. In fact Homer proves to be even smarter than she is. He is so smart that he accidentally proves there is no God. He also blows the whistle on the plant's nuclear safety violations. So the nuclear plant has to close and everyone hates him. He can't find happiness in things he used to like and he can't fit in with the people of Springfield. He decides to have Moe (a licensed surgeon) shove another crayon into his brain and he goes back to being a blissful idiot. Lisa understands why he did it and doesn't hate him for it.
Also, sir, your Loudmouth Leopard
is a rip-off ofJackie Gleason.
- Here's your smokes, Mr. Itchy.
- Thank you, Louis.
# Here is my handle
Here is my spout ##
- Thank you.
- [All Cheer]
See? Now, wouldn't you love to see
that move performed by a cartoon possum?
- [Car Departs]
- So, does he still work here, or what?
Sign this, please.
[High-pitched Voice] You're the boss.
- So long, sucker!
- Uh, sir.
are you sure you understand
the risks of stock ownership?
[Woman] For automated stock prices,
please state the company name.
which is terrible news for the company's
only stockholder, Homer Simpson.
Now let's move on to the real issue-
Lisa's hogging of the maple syrup.
Are you crazy?
I'm not gonna be a surrogate mother.
Yeah. Medical, military,
Homer, you really have
no desire to eat that food?
There's a crayon in my brain?
Do you have any idea
how this might have happened?
Oh, I don't feel so good.
Hmm. Increase my killing power, eh?
Do you feel smarter?
Now, who's up for a trip
to the library tomorrow?
Everything from Hop on Pop
to Death Be Not Proud.
Nothing cracks a turtle
like Leon Uris.
Ooh! Found a new shortcut.
"The Battle Hymn OfThe Republic"]
Maybe it's not a crayon made of wax.
It's cool to be smart.
- What you mailing, Homer?
- I've compiled a thorough
safety report on this plant.
Homer's the guy who rigged up my pants
with this special codpiece.
Burn, burn, burn!
Burn, burn, burn!
You cost us our jobs,
which we need for working!
- Power off, Einstein.
Oh, many things.
Tai chi, chai tea...
- Is that your final answer?
I thought she'd wind up
with that rich snob.
I'm a Spalding Gray
in a Rick Dees world.
Aired 22 years ago - Dec 17, 2000
The Simpson family goes to a French circus. While watching the show a freak snowstorm hits the circus tent. It's a relentless snowstorm; everything closes, except for Springfield Elementary; Principal Skinner doesn't want to ruin his "Cal
Ripken-like streak of school openage."
With the teachers at an "emergency caucus," Skinner has the kids sit through a terrible film. When they go to leave at the end of the day, they find that the school is snowed in. The kids start to revolt against Skinner, so he gets tough with them.
Meanwhile, Homer and Flanders go to save the kids, but get stranded in a snow bank. Skinner loses control of the school to the kids, led by Bart and he ends up trapped in a bag. The kids go through the schools records. Skinner sends a hamster out in the snow in an attempt to save himself.
Homer and Flanders pass out due to carbon monoxide poisoning and Homer has bizarre fantasies about ranch dressing. The hamster saves them, leaving them free to save the kids. Skinner and Bart agree never to discuss the day again.
- or... purée.
- [Audience Laughing]
Oh, look at those exotic positions.
[Man On Radio] Well, sir,
we've got ourselves a classic nor'easter...
I was tied here by teenage pirates.
And it's open season on savings at
Springfield Menswear, which is closed.
Spell your name.
But you've kept intact my Cal Ripken-like
streak of school "openage."
- [Gasps] It's the Christmas hobgoblins!
# I will always be true #
# I am you and you are you #
- two, one- there it is.
- [Bell Ringing]
- We're gonna miss Christmas!
- [All Screaming]
I don't like the sound
of that "class-three."
I don't care if you're Kristi Yamaguchi.
No one leaves the building.
- [Engine Starts]
- I'm all for rescuing the kids...
You're wearing the jacket
Well, I hope you've all learned something
from Nelson's "headstrongedness."
- Eh, that's no help.
Uh, well, uh, one time, I'm
eating a candy bar at the beach...
- This sucks!
- Are you questioning my authority?
- use this bucket next to Bart's head.
[Groans] Well, here's a scouring pad.
It's just as good.
I know it looks like
the path to freedom.
Defying orders, eh? Well, I see
you Scotsmen are thrifty with courage too.
That's precisely the problem,
and you know it.
This is a gross misuse of school property.
[Bart On P.A.] Attention.
The school is now under kid control.
- Come on, Seymour.
That's not even a word!
Let's see. He's 40 years old,
times 25 grand.
Oh, they're just not responding
to logic anymore.
You're my only hope,
There you are! Falcon to Eagle.
Have located bag of crap.
Enough! I grow weary
of your sexually suggestive dancing.
You're the camel!
Hey, this car's got cruise control.
So long, Johnny Tremain.
Your Newberry Award won't save you now!
Aired 22 years ago - Dec 10, 2000
Bart gets a magic set and with it he and Homer try street performing to make money. When it doesn't work out, Homer leaves Bart on his own, fending for himself. Being abandoned by his father makes Bart into a charity case and people just start
giving Bart money. So Bart and Homer start working this angle and then get some advice from the man who wrote the book on grifting, Grampa Simpson. When they get busted pulling a scam, they manage to scam their way out of the situation; but Groundskeeper Willy may wind taking the fall, unless Homer or Bart confesses their guilt.
- Now, Marge, I have a problem.
- Oh, yeah?
There we go.
And we'll skip right ahead to the Kill-O-Tine.
- No! No! Get off of me!
Gee, I wish I could, Son.
But we already left the gift shop.
Maybe I can make some money, Dad.
The magic act is really coming along.
Come on. Pony up, Flanders.
The kid's not turning tricks for nothin'.
- I know, but which one?
- Poor boy. Here's some money for bus fare.
- Hey, Homer! Check it out!
- What the-
- Can you look even more pathetic?
There you go!
We'd be stealing from people we know.
There's the Pigeon Drop,
the Ear Wigger, the Brillstein grab-
Uh, should I just
back out of the room?
That cake was for your deaf sister!
Wow! Look at all this loot!
What should we buy first?
Mmm. You're a pretty girl.
Oh, dear Lord.
- How much for the dog?
- Oh, he's not for sale.
Oy! I'll never be a man.
Now you weren't home,
so we had to pay the delivery man.
- [Both] Huh?
Yeah. In the Depression, you had to grift.
Either that or work.
Oh, why not? If we don't take their money,
they'll just give it to some televangelist.
- Which one of you youngsters is Abe Simpson?
- I'm Abe Simpson.
- [All Cheering]
- Yeah. I'm gonna get me the craziest, "strippiest"-
Forget it, Ed. Do you know what
it costs to sign over a check this big?
So we're under arrest for fraud?
Please, F.B.I. Man, don't throw us in jail.
We just made one mistake.
Okay. Thank you, sir.
- That's not an F.B.I. Badge.
- "Colgate Cavity Patrol"? Ohh!
From now on,
it's honesty all the way.
- Wild, bushy hair, like an animal.
- Anything else?
- [Birds Twittering]
What do you care, Loner.
Dad, Willie got arrested 'cause of us!
I was alone in me
- Dad, we've gotta tell everyone the truth.
- Let's see how this plays out.
Yes! Exactly! No, no. I mean
the whole incident is hazy.
has the jury reached a verdict?
- Dad, tell them!
- When the time is right.
Aired 22 years ago - Dec 03, 2000
As Mr. X Homer starts his own web page where begins revealing Springfield's secrets. He ultimately wins the Pulitzer Prize for his work so he reveals himself to the public. When everyone knows that he is Mr. X his ability to obtain secrets
disappears. So he begins making up stories. When one of those stories turns out to be the truth, he is kidnapped and taken to "The Island," a place where those who know too much are taken out of society.
Good start. Now finish the job.
- You're it!
- [Both Laughing]
You have chosen "No," meaning you've
committed a crime but don't want to confess.
- Hello! Hello! Hello!
Well, a Web page is supposed
to be a personal thing.
Mom wants you to come to bed.
That lousy pothole!
Why don't they fix it?
Nelson is gold.
Hmm. Shall I cross
the final frontier?
Our mayor is corrupt?
A new Internet watchdog
is creating a stir in Springfield.
A coconut bagel?
Like poison it tastes!
and race them... anymore.
The public should be warned.
I wish Mr. X were here.
Well, if Mr. X were here right now,
I'd buy him a tall frosty.
I hope no one finds out about this.
- Journalistic dynamite.
They'll be sucked into that air vent.
Mm-hmm. Montgomery Burns.
Unfortunately, we don't
know who he is...
- Thank you, folks.
- [Man] So hungry.
- I smell another Pulitzer.
- [Wind Whistling]
New race discovered...
our minds with flu shots. I knew it!
This is not a library. Whoo.
What the hell-
Because you know something.
- Ha, ha! In your face, Number Six!
- Yes. Well done.
- So who brought us here?
- I don't know.
Hello, Number Five.
How's every little thing?
All my stories are bull plop. Bull plop!
Wait. No, it's not.
It's needlessly complicated.
I wouldn't count on that, Number Five.
Ja. Please forgive
my unexplained two-week absence.
- There's gotta be a way to escape!
Aired 22 years ago - Nov 26, 2000
Bart gets an A in astronomy, so Homer takes the family out for a celebration dinner. Homer's credit card is declined. He and Marge realize that they are broke, so Homer asks Mr. Burns for a raise. With Smithers away in New Mexico mounting his play
about Malibu Stacy; Mr. Burns gives Homer a promotion. Homer has to make Mr. Burns laugh. Homer becomes a clown for him with Homer's life becoming an episode of MTV's "Jackass." As the title indicates, he has no dignity. After a panda rapes him, he begins to hate the job. Lisa discovers his secret and tries to get him to retrieve his dignity. Mr. Burns eventually fires him, so he becomes a department store Santa (again?). He is in a parade as Santa when Mr. Burns offers him $1,000,000 to pull one more prank. When Homer refuses, Mr. Burns does it himself, pouring fish guts onto the children.
♪ Stop them, Mary Kay ♪♪
♪Teardrops are falling
from your Spanish eyes ♪♪
I had to sell it
for gas money.
Get him, Sheba!
Well, I see you have
- Yes. Go on.
- So, let me put this simply.
A show about a doll?
Yes. I want to go there and make my dream
come true. I'll just be gone for a week.
Wow. I never seen you
have so many lunch beers before, Homer.
Here's your chance, Homer.
Mr. Burns just...
so green and alive.
- Well, let's decorate him then.
- You're the boss. [Grunts]
- Ow! I'm in hell!
And I'd like an hour on the holodeck
with Seven of Nine.
Paper bag or triple Mylar?
Ah, that was uproarious.
First-rate job, monkey.
♪ Sold separately ♪
♪Just like me ♪♪
Little help, please.
Homie, where did you get
that ball of money?
- Thank your father for the injections.
- Thank you, Dad.
wanted a DVD player.
Now, courtesy of an anonymous donor,
please welcome our new panda, Sim Sim.
Hey, there's our resident
bull panda, Ping Ping.
Oh, look. She's presenting.
We thought this would take years to happen.
Ha! You ain't goin'
That other panda gave some
unexpected 'zazz to the festivities, eh?
Well, a little do-re-mi
will smooth this over.
but I've got to stop this
before it goes too far.
Wha- Oh, why did he have to
say that extra thing?
No, Dad. You could really brighten
the holidays for those less fortunate.
Is this enough
dirty, dirty money?
You're a modern day
Kriss Kringle, sir.
and you're about the right build
for a little fella they call Kriss Kringle.
Let me see that.
- He just has to.
- Something tells me he is.
Aired 22 years ago - Nov 19, 2000
Bart wants the new Gamestation 256, so he tries to get a job to earn the money, but his job as a menu boy causes a great deal of paper litter to be strewn about the city making Lisa lament the plight of the trees. Then Lisa falls for a meat
protester, which inspires her to join their environmental protection group. Later, when an old redwood tree is danger of being cut down, she begins living in the tree, but her desire to return home becomes to great and she leaves for just a little while. However it's too late because when she returns the next morning the tree has come down. During the night the tree was struck by lightning and the city thinks that Lisa is dead.
I get more business.
Send daughters to small liberal arts college-
Menu boy no be coward like shrimp.
Bart, do you know how many trees
died to make those menus?
Hey, some people in this family
are doers, and some are "don't-ers."
No. I think they're protestors.
Take down the clown! Take down the clown!
- Don't worry, honey. They're just firing beanbags.
- In New Orleans, they hosed us with Tabasco.
- [Horn Honks]
"This I don't need."
Ah, the Luftwaffe-
The Washington Generals of the History Channel.
I'd like to visit a prisoner.
- You do yoga?
- Yeah, but I started before it was cool.
I won't eat anything
that casts a shadow.
Oh, thank you, thank you.
I am happy to report we've succeeded
in blocking the St. Patrick's Day Parade...
$30,000 to make cages
for animal experimentation.
Whoa. Hold on. Once you're up there,
you can't come down-
Sheesh. Look at these refugees.
How about a smile?
We don't have a stash.
Oh, I didn't think
it would be so high.
I won't come down
till you spare this tree.
- This was her choice, Mr. Simpson.
- I'm sorry.
"Dad is building a giant ladder...
Oh, it's morning! I gotta get back.
Why did I have to leave my post?
- Not by loggers, but by lightning-
- Back to you, Kent.
- You don't get to say that!
They made you a shrine.
That's why in memory
of that poor little girl...
He cut off his favorite dread.
I baked you a little something
to ease the pain.
Ah, yes. Ghastly business, that.
Thanks for the beer, Moe.
Well, I ain't never
said no to a dead girl yet.
from our good friends at Omni-Pave.
A redwood is not a promotional tool.
Aired 22 years ago - Nov 12, 2000
Homer and Bart fix things around the house using fireworks. They destroy Lisa's room on her birthday, so help make it up to her, the family goes to a book fair, where among other things Krusty is signing his new book. A little girl named Sophie is
in line and she tells Krusty that she is his daughter. Krusty flashes back to his role in the Gulf War. Sophie's mother now hates Krusty. Krusty tries spending time with Sophie at the beach, but they don't bond very well. He sees Homer interacting with his kids and gets some parenting advice from his. Krusty gambles away Sophie's violin in a poker game with Fat Tony. She gets very upset with Krusty, so he (with Homer's help) try to steal back the violin. There is a big Mafia summit at Fat Tony's place and Krusty manages to escape with the violin and a bunch of cash. He wins back Sophie's love, but the mob goes after Homer for his role in the caper and shoots at him. Somehow Homer escapes.
Oh, come on. Tell us how we can make it up to you.
Hey, pretend it's your birthday!
Hear ye! Hear ye!
One dollar off on all poetry books!
Oh, if you like that, you should try
Mary Magdalene's Chocolate Orgasm.
I'm working on a biography of
Benjamin Franklin. He's a fascinating man.
Hey, with my Info Cram 6000...
- And you lose weight?
- Uh, you might. It's a free country.
Please, children, scooch closer. Don't make
me tell you again about the scooching.
is the B-2 bomber more
detectable when it rains?
you're a national treasure.
So you really know Krusty?
What's he like?
"K the C"?
- Cokie Roberts?
- No, she was a soldier.
Hey! You're just fanning
the flames of hatred!
Whatever it was, it was magic.
You can't kill Saddam!
He's half my act!
All Mom ever said was my father
was some pathetic clown.
But I was hoping maybe we could do some
stuff together, like go to the beach and junk.
- You get one trip to the beach... with my assistant.
So how's Maude Flanders doing up there?
She playin' the field?
Okay, you just sit there
and I'll throw the Frisbee to you.
No, Son. You let 'em finish, then you smash it.
That's a good boy.
But I just realized I don't know
the first thing about 'em.
- Yeah, I'm watching, honey! Nice cannonball!
# Plus, she likes me back #
- I'm out.
A weema-way ♪
Best hand of my life
and I can't even-
Oh, no! Oh, no! You can't!
My daughter will never forgive me!
- No, I don't.
- But I did a bad thing.
I lost your violin in a poker game.
I can't believe you would gamble with
something that meant so much to me.
He's history, Jenda. Wait till he sees me
with that new exchange student.
- Marge, may I play devil's advocate for a moment?
- Sure, go ahead.
For a casual acquaintance
like you? Absolutely.
Every mob family
in the country's here.
Welcome to my home. To answer
your first question, yes, we do have pasta.
We've narrowed it down to either
Johnny Tightlips or Frankie the Squealer.
Aired 22 years ago - Nov 05, 2000
When the phone company gives Springfield a new area code, Homer revolts taking the part of Springfield with the new area code (the poor side of town) with him. Soon it's Olde Springfield versus New Springfield. As mayor of New Springfield Homer runs
it haphazardly and soon the population of New Springfield moves over to Olde Springfield, leaving the Simpson family as the only residents. It takes a Who concert to bring the two parts of Springfield together.
- How did the badger do that
without ripping your shirt?
- What am I, a tailor?
so they split the city
into two area codes.
I'm not gonna stand for this.
What really burns me up is
they didn't give us one word of warning!
Joan Collins must be in town.
We're giving away tickets
to next week's concert...
- 0-1-1 and 3.
I've been a fan of the Who since the very beginning
when they were the Hillbilly Bugger Boys!
Has been replaced by the convenience
of two area codes.
Well, scientists have discovered
that even monkeys can memorize 10 numbers.
We haven't heard from me yet,
the nut with the dynamite!
Well, I've had it!
Fellow 939'ers, I say we break off
and form our own city!
Now we just sit back and wait
for an N.F.L. Franchise.
Let us extend to our brothers
in New Springfield the olive branch of-
Read my lips-
Hey, look what I found.
A novelty flying disk.
My homework is in your park.
All right. But this better be
the best toilet paper I've ever had.
- They were looking at me...
Scientists say they're also
less attractive physically...
Dad, I don't think
this is such a good idea.
Olde Springfield patriots have intercepted
a beer truck bound for New Springfield...
They got us now!
Without water, we're doomed!
Olde Springfield was able to buy the Evian
water factory and fly it over here from France.
You're right! We've got to block them
from our sight with a giant wall!
And I'd like to thank Low Ball Construction
for building this amazing wall...
and a sewage nightmare
that threatens to consume us all.
Okay. Now as for food,
the following breeds of dog are edible-
Anyhow, those rats
will come crawling back.
- Can I help you?
- What the hell are you doing?
- Duh! Trashing the hotel room.
Don't play Olde Springfield...
But those Olde Springfield squares...
- Just send a cab for us.
- Is something wrong with your legs?
I look like a square.
By my reckoning, they're in the scurvy depths
of New Springfield.
Now, these are the tunes
I want you boys to play.
Aired 22 years ago - Nov 01, 2000
a). "G-G-Ghost D-D-Dad"
Homer dies because he's eaten the deadliest plant on Earth, broccoli. When he arrives at the Pearly Gates of Heaven he finds he cannot get in because he hasn't done one good deed all his life. St. Peter gives him 24 hours
to perform at least one.
b). "Scary Tales Can Come True"
Bart and Lisa are abandoned to the deep dark woods. With a book of Fairy Tales to guide them, the pair navigates their way past a troll and three bears eventually arriving at the house of the witch who lives in the gingerbread house. Meanwhile, Homer and Marge change their minds and he goes in search of the children giving Rapunzel a haircut along the way.
c). "Night of the Dolphin"
Lisa lets a dolphin go free but it turns out this particular dolphin is the dolphin's king. Now that he has his freedom he plots to take his revenge on the land dwelling humans. Soon the dolphins are back on land where they've belonged all along and the humans are banished to the sea.
I don't see a single
good deed next to your name.
You have 23 hours left.
- Do you have to talk like that?
- [Normal Voice] No, not really.
- [Horn Honking]
- Hey, a chance for a good deed!
- [Horn Honking]
- Uh-oh. I'm pretty sure
she was gonna be the next Hitler.
Oh, it's a miracle!
Oh, be quiet!
You'll wake upJohn Wayne.
You're missing the best part, Sister.
Forget that stupid book.
Who's up for a merry jig?
- [Bird Shrieks]
- So long, kids!
Everything in this forest
is from a fairy tale...
- [Wind Whistling]
- [Gasps] We're in the three bears' house!
Boy, dumping your kids in the forest
sure gets your hands dusty.
# La, la, la-la, la
la-la, la #
- Well, at least stop basting yourself.
Ah, is that all you got?
Oh, God, no!
Yeah, but the concert's at 8:00.
Now we're gonna need a volunteer to frolic
with Snorky. So raise your hand if you wanna be-
They're gone now.
This looks like the work of rowdy teens.
Lou, cancel the prom.
Anything to get out of work.
We've gotta warn Grampa!
We're all frightened and horny.
But you seemed so happy in the ocean.
All that playful leaping-
I'm not gonna let a few hoop-jumping
tuna-munchers push me around!