It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

In the season finale, Charlie gets the gang to help him put together a rock opera based on his song "Nightman."

Well, the audience is going to think I'm a child molester.

- That's not how it works. - Hey, Frank you got a guy that does cat eyes?

Tiny boy, little boy, Want to make love to you, boy

- It's a metaphor. - You keep using that word,

You know what? Um...

Thank you. Uh, Dennis, could you take a five?

Thank you, Charlie. I appreciate that. 'Cause I was uncomfortable.

Everybody else has a big song. I deserve to have one.

So you tell me, little Miss All That, what do you want to do--

- I never wasn't going to sing the song. - You were excited about singing a song,

- It was really loud and... - Don't start!

Let's do it.

Stop, stop, stop. All right, not bad.

Like if you drag that out... Are you chewing gum?

Well, sure, I pay the troll toll, and then I rape Dennis.

- Yes. - All right, this is a great opportunity

and then Frank could throw that blanket that he's got right there

Now I'm here, okay? I am, I'm past where I thought I could go.

Oh, my God, check this out.

...I'm gonna leave you alone for the rest of your life.

I regret it already.

She's here! She's here! She's here! She's here!

I forgot to tell you, Calvin Coolidge was a good friend of mine.

Do not add a song.

- What I'd do to you. - Boy, I need you, boy.

Inside, inside, inside of you..

Just to be clear, I did not write that song,

Who'd like to get my number after the show.

Laughs are cheap.

Did you bring the toll?

You want the baby boy's hole,

Hello, boy.

What the hell is that?

The boy is gone.

I am the ruler of darkness.

You have defeated the evil that was here.

Fighter of the Nightman

Champion of the sun

You're a master of karate and

Hoping to make their own dreams come true, the gang sets out to give an unexpected family an extreme home makeover.

and your connections anyway.

- You turn it into a competition. - That's bullshit,

our renovations are gonna be pretty extreme, right?

Oh, that's perfect! We can help the Juarez family.

They're there to heighten the sense of surprise and excitement

Good morning, Juarez family!

What are you doing?

We are taking over your house. Your house is ours now!

Yeah, all right! Good job! Good job!

The construction crew. When do those guys get here?

Hey, in order to assimilate you with American culture,

No, hold up, uh, somebody took a couple years of Spanish in high school.

Juarez, be easy.

We are extreme!

- Why are you smashing stuff? - I smashed it.

old shit, I'm thinking we take out this wall. You know what I mean?

Well, I hadn't thought that far... we would have to build a whole house.

- Oh, it didn't really dent the wall, though. - No, but it did break the lamp,

30 minutes? I feel like I've been sleeping for a day.

I'm the foreman. I tell you what to do.

That show is about how awesome Sears is!

I mean,Extreme Home Make... I mean, what... what...

I don't think these people are the INS.

So, how's the old vision board coming? You getting everything you want?

Do something positive with your life, piece of shit.

- That makes sense, yeah? - They got it.

- Tacos. - Tacos, buddy.

- She's the ground meat in the middle. - She's the ground meat in the middle.

We're just gonna go ahead and put all this

This is the real deal. I got a whole taco bed.

Look, we don't have any money, okay?

We need this guy to build up copious amounts of debt.

Guys, no can do. We're on a very tight schedule.

Bro, I'm not sure I have the right look here.

Thus, the fray.

Take the widest stance that you possibly can and let me see what that looks like.

That's it, but that's pretty wide, right?

This is like gold.

- and then you do the wrecking ball. - Do you want to wear the belt?

We can't even get anything past the surface of this thing.

Look, I'm the one who watches Home Makeover.

I could not have anticipated...

- I will light a fire on the wall. - On the wall.

Perfect, and then I'll get started on my taco bed.

The gang fudge history by claiming that Paddy's Pub was responsible for cracking the Liberty Bell in an attempt to turn their dive into a Philadelphia landmark.

or you can be a burned up witch outside.

She told me in complete confidence that a bunch of old dudes down there

We have to make our own declaration.

Now, my good gentleman, what says you of my fine furs here?

Not so fast now. That's a nice looking cart of pumpkins you got here.

You want his pumpkins, we kill him and take his pumpkins.

What? He stole our furs!

Yeah, it's not that much further. God!

What is your business, sirs?

Yeah, bad intel. Bit of a miscommunication.

sodomizing the king whilst the queen is forced to witness.

Okay, set that down in front of him.

- I'm really sorry. That was huge! - Yeah. That's...

- She's a slave. - Yeah. And a witch.

However, I do desire to seek further counsel with the lady.

All right, look.

Bro, it's 1776. They don't have any rights.

Are you going to drink the beer?

Do not shoot that pumpkin! What are you doing?

Why is the witch lady shooting at you anyway?

You know what, okay, you guys. I tell you what, you win.

Try on me.

Because, dude, we need to get as much intel from these guys

- You let me take the lead, okay? - Yeah. Okay.

So, uh... what's the buzz, huh? What are we all talking about, huh?

Let's start by taking down all of their names.

Well, your wooden teeth whistly-tooth thing? That was bad.

It's just so cramped in here.

I'm telling you, a bunch of inbred savages.

to lift the curses from our guns.

You want me to scalp them?

Give me that skunk pelt. I'll use it for hair.

I was the one you delivered the keg to...

Perhaps my impatience has gotten the best of me, but if you will have me,

You listen to me, you pale-faced English dickhole,

You on my arm, adorned in magnificent garments, dressed in the finest jewels.

You gotta sweeten the pot, eh?

Why does he keep spitting in my mouth?

No, I don't think that the voice is entirely necessary, so I'm not gonna do it.

Would you like a spot of tea? You... "Yeeees...!"

I think the wooden teeth are the whole thing that's saving this thing.

- Now, flourish the pinkie. - Flourish the pinkie.

No, we are simply two noble Britishmen out on a stroll.

I'm not your slave anymore, Franklin.

Uh, let's back up and talk about what this is.

After Dee suffers a heart attack, she and Dennis try to live a healthier lifestyle. Meanwhile, Charlie and Mac take corporate jobs to get health insurance.

I mean, what is this, like some kind of socialist country

You keep saying that, but I don't know what it means.

Oh, this is great, Dee. This is perfect.

I want to stay nice and lean and tight.

Let's hop on these treadmills and, uh, you know, let's do this thing.

Let's get some new outfits. That's a great idea.

"Official résumé*** of Mac and Charlie".

T.C.O.B.

I think you'll find that what we lack in formal education,

Fat burner?

I just had a heart attack. Maybe you should turn this techno music down.

I got a Steve Winwood CD in my car. I'll just go out and grab that.

Well, maybe you shouldn't dress like a bumblebee, bitch.

onto a metal bar and lift that metal over and over like a metal jerk.

Been having diarrhea?

Your body's taking its job very seriously.

And it's the most important muscle in the entire body.

All right, this is Felix's pile.

This guy's in Orlando for the week?

that will save the company millions, and they'll be forced to promote me.

Beautiful.

I'm trying to calm myself down, and hey, we got insurance,

Now, the least important stuff, I'm gonna burn that.

- All right, bud, all right. - Yeah, no, I'm just... I'm...

Hit me, hit me again.

This is Johnson.

Why don't you just give me your name?

'Cause those supplements are giving me the squirts like you would not believe.

Great. Let's just let that settle for a minute, and I'll...

Oh, it feels a little weird.

You injected Mexican collagen in my eye?!

How about that for stress?

The man does not exist, okay?

There's not a single, goddamn desk in that office.

Not only do all of these people exist, but they have been asking

About three days ago, a couple of pink slips came in the mail.

After discovering Dennis' erotic memoir, Mac and Frank attempt to make some money off of it. Meanwhile, Dee and Charlie decide to spend a day in each other's shoes.

And you never woke up in a rehab facility with the wounds of Christ

That's why he needs us.

Holy shit, man! That's a good idea.

You're going to want to huff a little glue and drink some beer.

Okay, maybe there wouldn't be cats surrounding your building

I got to go to sleep.

I don't know. As much as you did.

Those aren't real problems, Charlie.

Plus, it's easy. We just get you into a room with him,

No, I think a couple of severe burns

Now I think we should just probably leave the body right here, right?

Do you come here every night? Every night, huh? This is great.

Let's hope she's got some new jokes this time.

that everybody's wearing in their ears, right?

That's good.

Why in God's name are you still trying to be an actor?

I always wonder, like, "What is cheese? Where does it come...?

Yo, punk, wake up, punk.

That's Rob Thomas from Matchbox 20.

look, I'm pretty confused about what I'm seeing here, I'm in a lot of pain.

Yeah, he owns the Philadelphia Soul, the arena football team.

Well, I already got a bald-cap guy and everything.

Relax.

Well, that is a very generous offer, but, uh,

Ma'am, I am dying of very terminal cancer,

I got it. We're talking about cancer.

- I told you... - I asked a lot of people.

I'm in rehab, goddammit!

Will you please shut up?!

Well, how am I supposed to use it now? 'Cause you... jerk.

It's not that tough to be you, Frank.

'Dude, your balls totally rule'".

Think you Jesus? You think you Jesus?

Let's get up out of here, man. Get that, we're gonna read some smut.

Well, I'll tell you why I come to the fountain, Charlie.

You don't pooled it of better than anyone.

and come back, and pissed in the fountain.

- Charlie and Dee! Dee! - Hey!

Time out. Did you see where I pissed in the fountain?

And then Rob Thomas, the lead singer of Matchbox 20, was there too.

A newspaper critic is kidnapped by the gang after he calls Paddy's pub the worst bar in Philadelphia.

- You're all out of time, bitch. - Boom.

Nice, brand-new Blu-Ray DVD player, all hooked up.

Relax, I drove him around in a circle for a while, okay, so

Easy, we roll him up in a rug.

Oh, goddamn it.

- He probably did. - That's a good idea.

Look, this really isn't necessary. You don't have to tape me...

Well, I'll tell you, Mr. Fancy Pants Writer Man.

Okay, look, look. Nobody has to write anything against their will, okay?

I just don't want to get arrested for kidnapping.

I'm sorry I yelled at you, Mr. Corman.

and now two heavy coats? I mean,

We are pretty damn good at this. We're learning.

Now, back to the cooler conversation that we were having earlier.

Like this pool cue. Here we go.

No, that's too small.

Just please get me out of this bathroom before I vomit.

- Oh, really? What's this? - Charlie, don't.

Well, now that wasn't so hard, was it?

We'll both do it. That way it's equally weird for both of us.

Can I bring something up?

Well, there was this a slight mix-up with the apartments.

- It's a classic mistake. - I'm sorry...

Let's go talk to Corman. He's writing that new review.

Listen, we wanted to come in and just let you know we're sorry

There he goes again.

Um, also, do you want me to bring you some lipstick with that?

Uh, you want to fire a couple questions my way?

What do you want me to say?

'cause I feel like that's what writers should drink.

calls other people white trash to make himself not feel so faggy".

It's, uh, pretty heavy on the kidnapping aspect.

You know, a piece of me wants to chalk this whole

Charlie, I've never been more serious about anything in my entire life.

I can't have a dead cat's blood on my hands, man.

- Oh, no! - Shit, dude! Shit!

Learn how to kick. Take one karate class

Let's not talk about how it happened, okay? It just happened.

Jesus Christ, oh, this is bad. This is bad, man.

we put them in their beds, you know?

Corman's not gonna go for that. He's, like, made of stone or something.

All right, let's go talk to Corman.

if you are willing to step up, do the right thing and

- Fine. Whatever it takes. - I can't believe you guys

Okay, Mr. Corman, why don't you just go ahead and sign this.

Charlie and Frank awake to find poop in their bed. Neither will confess to being the owner, so they, Mac, and Dennis try to scientifically deduce who dropped the deuce. Dee wants to do something a bit more sophisticated, so she invites the waitress and Artemis to a girls' night out.

It probably just fell out the bottom of it.

and then you stopped, right?

But you've got to...

Well, you ingest everything.

I never said I was a scientist.

I'm gonna take off my bra, blast my nips.

Hi, can we get three Cosmos, please?

Fine, Irish Car Bomb.

Name's Artemis.

What about Charlie's hole?

I sleep in a king-sized bed by myself.

Excuse me. Incidents.

Yeah, well, to be honest with you, I wouldn't mind seeing how

Okay, I'm just gonna sleep for, like, 15 minutes, right?

If we're going to be meeting sophisticated men,

I'll hold your boobs a little better.

I don't like this bitch's attitude.

- I love that bed. - Don't buy this act.

and we cross-reference the samples?

Because it's your bar, and we're gonna drink for free.

You have a bad attitude when you're drinking, you huge-footed slut.

I'm gonna take this, and I'll see you assholes later.

I think that Artemis and I have much better things to do, thank you.

Okay, bring me up to speed here, boys.

I love his use of space.

and so raw, so base, so utterly human.

It's gonna be a long night.

And then you went and did it again the next night?

So he called Mac, who jumped at the chance to see

He swore to have his revenge.

The lonely, sad, slutty, bitchy whore.

Oh, well, that would be fine and dandy...

You chalked it up to your old plumbing and penchant for spicy foods.

Due to the size and severity of the poop, Frank concluded

Part 2 of 2. Dennis, Frank, and Dee find unique ways of coping with the apparent loss of their friends.

Dee Reynolds, featured

off a pile, has no lines and

I mean, 'cause I want the

Yeah.

What if he's a scientist?

Why would he run on all

Then why are we casting Dolph

heightened sense of smell...

Smells crime before it even

Whoa!

everybody's agent all of a

your movie?

the streets, looking for dead

Oh, Hollywood, Hollywood!

already?

producer. That okay?

Blow his mind.

Dolph Lundgren.

I'm taking over.

something that stinks.

hound.

that's missing.

lack a certain eroticism.

Now, here's the twist, and there

penetration, and we're going to

He's out busting heads.

Yeah, just to be clear,

you could just rep me.

Here we go, here we go.

Mm-hmm.

Does he look Indian to you at

Jersey.

each other-- both countries.

Ma'am, we need to move here.

was you.

Everybody focus, get down

Face down.

because he's rejecting his life

The Injun says yes, so

this whole movie real quick and

We hit a wall on the pitch.

My thoughts are, "That's

right side up.

Cut! Cut! Cut! Cut! Cut! Cut!

Oh, yeah.

Where is M. Night?

what's going on.

shit out of the tent.

Part 1 of 2. Mac and Charlie fake their deaths to avoid the wrath of Mac's father who was released from prison and is out for vengeance.

No. No, you didn't let me finish. I don't...

What do you think, I'm not going to die with class?

You're not getting this. I'll walk you through the steps as we go.

A secret portal created as a passage way

Why would you want to have sex with someone you can't see?

I'm going to go get some duct tape.

Wait. That just kind of came out on its own.

Okay, great. We'll steal it. We'll use it as a part of blaze of glory.

Now, judging by the distance, I'm thinking I could get it up

Well, I'm gonna... I'm gonna watch you do it.

Pussy.

Dude, oh, my God!

We're not gonna find something to burn the car at a pawnshop.

Are you sure you're all right?

So, can you focus?

Anything goes here.

That's crazy.

Hi, we are in desperate need of something that will destroy

He's losing his mind.

You got any plans for the outside?

The car will explode, and our problems will be solved.

- The car's gonna go up. - Now you're thinking.

Grenades and bullets don't burn cars?

He's also wearing a wedding dress, though, and I'd like him to take it off.

And now you're gonna be skittish about the sex party?

in this building.

All over their nice furniture? I mean, that doesn't make sense.

You can't tell under the masks.

How is this even an orgy? Nobody's having sex.

I don't know. It could be cool.

Who are these people?

All right, I'm into that.

It's the safest way, Frank.

because I am honorable man.

I can't believe they're dead.

That is ridiculous, Dennis, they left us a list of demands.

Charlie finds out that the waitress has been seeing someone. He calls on Mac, his so-called best friend, to find out more information about the guy and to beat him up. However, it turns out that Mac is the guy the waitress has supposedly been seeing. Dennis, heartbroken that he's not Charlie's best friend, tries to win him over.

And we can do that, do some bonding, go over the best friend

I was going to stick with the plan here, so...

Well, I mean there's... 24 beers there, if I'm counting right.

I got Clue, you know, we could solve a mystery together.

So... you're...

That's simple. That doesn't require any...

I did... not.

I'll wear the goddamn condom, but I'm not psyched about it.

Yeah, because he videotapes every chick he bangs.

Friend one, best friend two, come in. Over.

Yeah, affirmative. I totally kicked his ass.

Actually, no. He had some pretty sweet moves, but I totally...

He forgot to say "over and out." I can't believe that.

Don Johnson's the dude from Miami Vice,Charlie.

- They do stink, don't they? - They smell really bad.

Now, I can't say for sure.

I was just waiting for my...

That's right.

Doesn't really feel right.

Oh, well, we, we wouldn't want that now, would we?

You've done it before. All right, good night.

- Oh, Jesus. - Just get in the bed.

There's a certain situation developing between myself,

Okay, so,asmy blood brother, I need to confide a secret to you.

I don't know. She's obsessed with you or something. She's a total freak.

We'll just use a different channel than Charlie and I use.

What am I seeing?

Am I peeing?

I'll give you this much, dude: the guy's acting very weird, okay?

We're gonna switch your walkie to that channel and we're gonna

Yeah, he keeps that camera on nonstop, just in case.

- knickers off so we can jam, yeah? - Not just yet.

'cause I don't want to get caught slipping in and out before the coitus.

Because the video alone won't be evidence enough because of the angle.

you're dressed like Dennis or Charlie.

'Kay, so I want you to stay behind me.

Blood Brother One, over and out!

It's like role-play!

you'll see that there's someone in the bed.

- We busted you! - Caught!

- What are you doing? - What are you doing?

The sex tape that Frank made, where is it?

Due to the gang's latest "business expenses," Paddy's is in dire need of money. Frank buys a billboard to advertise the bar, but Dee decides to create a viral video to post on YouTube for promotion. Charlie quickly joins her, leaving Frank and Mac to hold a contest for some hot models to feature on the billboard. Naturally, Dennis joins the competition to prove his worth. MORE -LESS

You can help me out, Charlie, but we're not going to put Green

- We're talking billboard ideas. - Don't waste your time.

but if we put some hot beefcake up there, maybe it will attract more chicks.

- I'm ugly? - Yeah.

Frank, you disgust me.

Good morning, Philadelphia!

- that's a great character. - No, That's like a bad

You ready?

- slips and she's, like...? - Why did you do that, Charlie?

Nope. Okay.

- Goddamn! - That is funny.

Dennis Reynolds, 40 feet tall and shirtless.

Take your shirt off.

All right, this is messy.

And I think that'll come in handy in this situation.

I go up, I talk, you come in with the volleyball, you hit him

I'm horrified that he's even here.

So youse a big man, right?

to compete in Paddy's first Next Top Billboard Model contest.

We don't need you people. Everybody else.

Do you want to let him in?

Okay, the first competion is the underwear competion.

Come on. Green Man's what makes this thing work.

This is all like a bad frame and stuff.

And I just had a little bit too much ice cream.

Yeah, dude, eventually, I got to settle down, right?

- I can have my own competition. - Awesome.

Today's theme is barnyard.

It is shit. This is a barnyard.

She on runway and do a drag queen in nails.

Your hands are in your pockets 'cause they're itchy?

I almost didn't recognize you in that getup, but I recognize

In other news, it seems like I have a rash in a place where

80,000 hits, Dee. That's huge!

You know what it's like for Chocolate Rain

Well, you got a great look, no denying that.

That's written down now. That's like a contract.

Rochelle, Rochelle, Rochelle. Thank you for coming in.

I feel like there's vibing happening right now.

- Okay. - That's okay. 50%.

I've never been turned on by a jaguar before.

You can't make a mule sexy.

You know what, man? Screw this. I'm outta here.

I had an audition, and I didn't get the part, which is really, really strange for me.

Don't bust my balls. This is great exposure for me.

I can buy myself a billboard, get myself out there and show the

Charlie, Mac, and Dennis formulate a plan to take advantage of the rising gas prices. By purchasing excess amounts now, they can sell it in the future and profit. As usual, things don't go as planned. Dee is also out to make money when she learns that Bruce is going to give the family fortune to a Muslim cultural center. She and Frank try to stop him and get the cash for themselves. MORE -LESS

Really? Was that not a good one? Well, so what if it's more like, like...

- 'cause I just don't see what you're talking about. - It's not a rape van. It's a spy van.

Listen, this jamoke is giving our money to terrorists,

I don't know. No, yes, maybe I was going to;

I pass! I pass! Because you were planning on killing me.

- She's not getting it. Get the graph. - Oh, yeah, the graph.

Yeah. Why?

Now, this is a strange bank.

How's about I take you in the back and "change" your mind?

What if she wanted to bang me or you for that matter?

to take you in the back and bang you?

- Where'd you get your intel? - I water boarded some guy.

- That's Bruce! - This guy?

I kind of can't believe that you guys took your shirts off back there, man.

Stop now. You can't do this.

Plus I have swallowed a good deal of it. It's just a damn waste.

We got to make some money in the short term.

Okay, bro, want to play hard ball, fine.

We don't want to call the cops.

- Lotta shady shit. - Like what?

get all of my money back as a reward.

Were you planning on offing me?

Capitalism at work.

- I know how to count, dude. - Okay, you do it, you do it,

- Charlie, the lighter, please. - What the hell... No, no, no.

Make sure it's bigger.

Do you have anything other than a towel and duct tape?

Mac, check this out though. You're going to be the muscle.

So, check it out. Man, I got a new plan.

Gasoline directly to their doorsteps.

Why would we need disguises, Charlie?

He has a seven iron.

I bet you still hide your money in your sock drawer.

- I understand what's going on. - Damn it.

But we're oil men. We would have Southern accents.

Nah. We're just a couple oil men in from Dallas, and, well,

No, not the generator.

Admit it, come on!

Don't bullshit me! That's all I got to say!

Shut up! Shut up!

- Frank's waterboarding Dee. - You guys?! You took the van?!

Charlie and Dee have been stealing Frank's delicious meats, so Frank leaves out human meat to get back at them. Driven by their cannibalistic needs, Charlie and Dee go in search of human flesh. Mac and Dennis harass Frank for hunting defenseless animals and think it would be much more badass to hunt something that could fight back ... like a human.

Sharing it. It's a rule now~

you know what you've just eaten, right?

- I am glad you had a good time eating human meat. - Thank you.

It took me all day, but I finally finished a list of ten people that would be perfect to hunt.

- Do I get that right? Are you serious? - Yeah, man, he's perfect.

But, that makes you quite formidable, huh?

You don't wanna be all nervous and sweaty when Dee gets here.

Uh.. I'll spend a lot less time asking questions, more time running.

What do you suppose gonna happen when we do catch him?

but I'm thinking there's some strange going on with this meat, such a wish.

And then did you go crazy? Just looking everything in your apartment,

Where could Frank go to get mysterious meat?

the curly stuff and then this thing looks like a blanket.

Well, we'll look at that. Great!

- Holy smokes! - They're, like, super hard, right?

Not when my nips are like this.

No, I'm not. This happened to me.

Frank bet it's human meat, and we got the hunger.

'cause that's exact same plot.

ah... yeah, actually I wanted to talk to you about that aspect of it.

Cricket with a face full of pubes? Hilarious!

Well, fine, I'll dip my nuts in ink or something and then put it in his mouth, that make you happy?

How are you?

I'll give you guys the same deal like I gave every else.

- We were gonna have, we were just gonna come and have a bite a bit, I mean.. - I don't..

- Holy shit. - Holy shit.

- Ok, I.. - No! What, no! I still think so, no!

He looks so much better, doesn't he? What is that?

You know, those are the decisions that're best left to the suits on Washington.

Hey, the good news is that means we're not racist.

I wanna show those bastards today, it ain't ok to hunt humans.

- That's Rambo. - You want me to help you or not?

Holy shit, dude. Holy shit!

You put your balls in my mouth while I was sleeping?

Ok, the good news is the gorilla mask, the purple tea-bag both totally viable options, right?

Dee, would you calm down? You're eating that cheese steak like a some kind of giant bird, you know?

That's a fact, Dee. That's what it is.

- We're gonna have to do it. - No, no!

- Somebody.. - that nobody will start asking questions about, if he's missing.

I used airplane glue, bro. That's gonna be your look for a while.

You know what kid? You gotta get out of here, man.

You know? We don't give a shit about any of these.