Aired 9 years ago - May 25, 2011
Jay wants to go fishing on his birthday, but the family insists he have a big party, leading Claire and Mitchell to get trapped in their childhood yard, Phil encounters his college nemesis at the mall and Cameron to have trouble at the bakery.
Her name's Tara.
We have great chats online.
I only use as a bubble-bath frother.
Captain of the cheer squad.
I'm off to get some
driving that baby down the block.
Don't you think we should
park on the next block over?
No, let's just -- let's just
wait for them to come home.
She probably grabbed mine again.
Yeah, U did blame her for no reason.
It's weird being back here, isn't it?
Not nice. So not nice.
No, I left mine in your car.
He didn't stop for the
screaming sailor in a tree?
Whoa! Where'd you
learn how to do that?
The catch part went fine... mostly.
I called her bedroom "fantazing."
I know you're only 11,
I love my --
You didn't see this, and
w-we don't tell Cam.
Just give me two hours
and another hour.
if you hadn't been running into
the house to use the bathroom.
Hey, you think Manny's
gonna get a third of...
Gloria, um, I'd still love
to swing by that shoe store.
It's a little too tight, no?
because I might need help
with the zipper, okay?
Claire Pritchett with the blond hair
I'll be there in a second.
12 times a year, I get sausages.
I already saw the cake.
Oh. Well, then, why just okay?
Then my father took me
out to the field,
I'll ask Jay.
He loves stuff like this.
He keeps going and
getting more drinks.
and I'm really sorry we
didn't let you go fishing.
So let's go get
some cake and presents.
Okay, let's open the presents.
Aired 9 years ago - May 18, 2011
With the whole family gathered at Jay's before going to Alex's middle school,graduation, Jay is hiding a botox mishap, Cameron is upset about Mitchell's habit of laughing at his expense, and Phil tries sympathiic and critical of Claire's worries over the kids growing up too fast. They might miss Alex's big moment.
- I'm sorry.
- Really, Mitchell?
Okay. That's cool.
I want to get there early.
Until 2 P.M. tomorrow,
when my flight leaves for Vegas.
What do you mean, "droopy"?
and now it's drifting.
You cannot say that!
Nobody wants to think.
That's 'cause no one would eat
with him in the cafeteria!
- I'm trying to rule out a stroke.
- It's not a stroke.
I'm just saying it's a character flaw.
That is a normal reaction --
Love and concern.
Well, I'll be graduating.
Hit a nerve or something.
He's fine. It was a false alarm.
No... my... God.
Do you think he got
his butt done, too?
Aha! Sorry, Alex,
but you will thank me one day!
We have to do something, dad.
I am going to freak out!
and the olive oil is
to lubricate the mechanism.
I save the day.
Yeah, but I still think that
we should throw it over the gate.
Okay, step up. I'll boost you.
Okay. Jay, now you do me.
but everybody has their stuff.
and I don't even know
if I can get into college.
so, you can either
start fresh next year
- Do you want to drive?!
- I do.
I'll go upstairs and
see if I have a lefty.
that you don't have
to look young for me?
This is the face
that I fell in love with.
Yep. That's what I thought.
who hates me.
When was the last time Haley
was that excited to see you?
Well, ours will come back, right?
Honey, she's a middle child --
Aired 9 years ago - May 11, 2011
Jay advises a dog trainer, while Phil and Claire switch parenting duties to the kids' chagrin. Mitchell has an extra Lady Gaga ticket when Cameron ends up sick.
I'm not much of a shopper,
but it would depend on --
- Yes, you do.
you don't even have to tell me.
and all he wants is
an hour of your t-- half-hour.
to be laying next to a man
that is generous and giving.
'Cause the bed kind of looks
like a rose parade float.
I was really looking
forward to going.
Oh. But there's
that Craigslist Killer.
I didn't offer.
but after you hearing
No, you were surprised
because it's not true.
This is fantastic.
Stella, let go.
Bad dog, bad dog.
Brilliant! We're going to be rich!
Now a good-doggie treat.
Quick, quick, give he
a bad-doggie treat!
to ride the fast ones.
Well, what's he like
when you're sick?
So, how about this --
you stay home
I'm putting you on speaker.
See? You don't need
all the conflict.
the only real question is,
- Ay, no, no, you're not going to --
- Yes, I am.
You've got charm, you've got ambition,
and that's great.
Thank you, Gloria.
But I'm nice, and
I put on the sugar jacket.
What, are you going to the ball,
Cinderella? Live a little.
Mom, I don't feel good.
We haven't had lunch yet.
Plus I can't get the stupid
drain unclogged, anyway.
Oh, my gosh!
Ohh. Hey, could you do
the right one now?
He's going back to school.
No, no, no.
What did you do?
Manny sleeps in the backyard
till the dog dies of old age?
which is where
she's going right now.
I'm 12. I need limits!
I'm sorry. I swear I just
told you to grab your buckets!
Aired 9 years ago - May 04, 2011
Claire and Gloria's Mother's Day excursion with the kids turns into the mother of all disasters. Meanwhile, Phil and Jay share an awkward moment when they stay home to prepare dinner for everyone. Cameron worries about gender roles in his relationship with Mitchell.
are taking the kids up the canyon
♪ I know you want to leave me ♪
I have a walking stick.
And it smells like lemon-lime,
- I'll come then.
- I'm hungry.
was making you
fluffy pancakes, okay?
We don't want to go
to your baby shower.
- and I need you to know that
it bothers me. - Sorry.
No, let's go. Let's get out of here.
Leave the stroller and run.
Okay, tighten up, tighten up.
Manny, that's not a rash.
all you people
have done is whine!
It's like you walked under
a bird that poops ugly hats.
Kids, your hike is over.
What it says on the page
goes in the pot.
That was unnecessary.
What the hell
are you talking about?
How much longer on the meat?
Those really frame your face.
Okay, I don't want you
to judge me,
the rest would
go down like dominos."
But that's not what
I'm talking about now.
but sometimes I need my own space.
just be a boy!
I was talking about another
Manny that I know long time ago!
You know mom's just gonna
want us to apologize.
Why would she do that?
let her know we're
onto her little game.
and it embarrassed him.
I could get scratched.
- It's okay.
and it reminded me of my mom,
I might get a little misty,
We're just a new type
of family, you know?
All right, if --
if I'm thinking about it,
- You don't -- you don't think
I can throw a ball? - Cam.
Say something terrible about me
No. But there was some hurtful
stuff said about my poetry.
A bunch of 30-year-olds
living at home.
Manny, Claire was feeling bad
is that I never have enough of it.
Nope. I'm good.
And I know --
Stop it! Okay.
But maybe this is
what we're seeing,
Aired 9 years ago - Apr 20, 2011
Mitchell and Cameron assess their family members in trying to decide who would best take care of Lily should anything happen to them.
I'm taking Luke to see
a child psychologist.
- Hey, mom, check it out.
- What are you doing?
No way. She plays lacrosse
and takes cello lessons.
Honey, after I go by the office,
maybe we can grab some lunch.
Hi, Dr. Klausner.
I am so sorry we're late.
- How did you...
- How did I what?
I wonder if she's not home.
When you and Dylan
were broken up,
Then I'm just gonna
have to come with you.
Total gun nut, lives
completely off the grid.
but I just don't know
about him raising a child.
Couple of hours before
your camping trip, huh?
which is not exactly
your strong suit.
Really? Can I fly?
Can I speak Chinese?
He was 2,
and all he could do was bark!
How about at the zoo?
Bam! Who needs a shrink now?
I've been there, buddy.
Well... he's a bright
and curious boy,
or focusing exercises
it looks like the can
is standing still.
No, not perfect, and... and I never
said anything about my shy bladder.
I think I hear future Lily
Excuse me, sherpa, can you
assist me with the harness?
Honey, you know, sometimes
you can act a little bit...
Now, I know it seems daunting,
Manny, but it's very simple.
Yeah, never mind.
Just stand over there
and yell if someone's coming.
- Where are we?
- Boys' locker room.
are we looking at weeks, months?
I could use a little piece
of lumbar myself right now.
You don't like?
I think we're good.
You just did one bad thing.
because of lacrosse
and debate team and...
No offense, but the family's
hopes and dreams
Something that nobody knows.
why I said what I said.
that I'm sure if I could just
get in there and just... ee!
How would I know?
He rode with you.
your father publicly shamed Manny,
dropped me from the sky,
- Whose car are we taking?
Then you didn't.
I can't believe I ever worried
about him out in the world.
Aired 9 years ago - Apr 13, 2011
Cameron is overzealous in his planning of the spring musical performance at Luke and Manny's school. Jay's brother visits while Phil convinces the family to be in his new ad.
Blast! This isn't the first time
I've been thwarted by my small stature.
- Ooh! Ooh!
I wanted to call her Twiki. But Lois
said kids now wouldn't get the reference.
But I've wanted to go to Brown
ever since I was a little girl.
I have no future! I'm just gonna
wait in my room until I'm dead.
Lois, I challenge you
to a race around the world.
You never seem to be that interested in
journalism-or journalists, such as myself.
- You get it and I'll make you a reporter.
- You got it.
- Excuse me, Mayor?
- How do you know my language?
Well, well, Mr Toilet.
I thought you were in the Hamptons.
You seize life by the throat and shake it
like a topless bartender mixing a martini.
No more treats.
You're gonna spoil your dinner.
That's why I started Stewie's Big and
Tall Man Shop. If you're portly or tall,
I say, here's the solution to my troubles.
"Pretty sneaky, sis." That one's also funny.
Show yourself, damn you!
I've been investigating him for months.
Your story? Wait a minute!
- I'm Chris.
- Eviscerate the proletariat.
This'll never get Meg
on the paper. This is old news.
Meg needs something that'll pull those kids
away from their Rock 'Em Sock 'Em robots
Congratulations, Meg. This is the most
sensational story we've ever had.
I'm just reading every high-school newspaper
in America to see if I'm mentioned.
- Luke Perry is suing us?
- Dad, how could you do this to me?
Ricky, we love you! We love you!
I just wanted you to have something
to put on your transcript.
Aw, don't cry, sweetheart.
I'll make it up to you.
- How the hell are you gonna do that?
I require a hand-operated buzz saw capable
of cutting through a human sternum.
Look here, you gourd-bellied codpiece. Allow
me to purchase the provisions I demand
Listen, Brian, I'd take a bullet for Meg
so I'm sure I can take a... Here he is.
Aired 9 years ago - Mar 23, 2011
Phil and Claire are not pleased when Luke befriends a curmudgeonly old neighbor. To avoid an invite to the symphony with Gloria and Manny, Jay goes with Mitchell and Cameron on their "boys' night out" while Haley babysits Lily.
I just have a few questions about your return.
First, why don't you attach
that green one to that purple one?
- Mr Griffin, are you OK?
No, that was for my refund.
What the hell's Party of Five?
But I need that log for my
recreation of James Madison's cabin.
Peter! I'm holdin' iced tea!
See, that's what I do.
I ask for a snack and I blow the horn.
- Ah, damn it.
That may be. But you know what?
Damn government, telling me
I can't build a pool on my own land.
And all in favour of
"Ephraim, the Retarded Rabbit"?
Oh. Sorry. I thought
you were the district attorney.
Which would make you... a communist!
- And that makes us our own country.
- What are you talking about?
Our lead story tonight: Petoria.
Thank you, Diane. So, Mrs Griffin, what's
it like being the woman behind the man?
Well, we're a clean
and industrious people, mostly white.
Here you go, Mr President.
You still owe me for the other rounds,
which comes to 50 bucks.
Not a good jail, like on Cinemax.
Can't touch me
I've been around the world,
from Hartford to Bombay
Attention, delegates. This session
of the United Nations is hereby convened.
I'm stuck up here in the nosebleeds.
I'm president of Petoria. I want a better seat.
I used to be the laughing stock around here
until my country invaded Kuwait.
of the Geneva Convention, "the".
- I suggest we start with political sanctions.
- Good, gentlemen.
live at the site of the US blockade. Tom?
Oh, my God, they've opened fire. It looks
like things are getting very heated here.
- Here. Use this head lamp.
- Hey, where's the kids?
It's not for ever.
You know, it's just... it's just... You know.
- Stewie, is that you?
- Lois, my mind's made up.
And we're back with our round-table
discussion on the Petorian crisis.
Oh, it's ridiculous, clearly.
He's a factory worker, not a despot.
Can anybody tell me what the square root
of the hypotenuse is... Chris, is that a note?
Damn you, Rupert! Keep these loathsome
insects away, or you'll end up like Mr Giraffe.
you can make sure
that Stewie never goes hungry again.
Look at what we're reduced to. Our own baby
has to use newspapers for diapers.
My God, I haven't seen everyone this
miserable since that time we were tortured.
Aired 9 years ago - Mar 02, 2011
Claire is run ragged trying to fix Haley and Alex's relationship. Gloria is horrified by Jay's plans to purchase themselves side-by-side crypts. Cameron decides he wants to write a book that celebrates the fact that Lily is adopted, but soon learns something new.
- Get a hold of yourself!
- Ow! Peter, you're supposed to hit Brian!
then breed with their women.
In time our differences will be forgotten.
- Logan, let's go.
- I can't.
What do we do now?
What the hell do we do now?!
I feel terrible about this. Why don't I put us
up in a nice hotel for a couple of days?
Smack? Horse? X? Shrooms? Dust? Meth?
In my neighbourhood? I don't think so!
I picked this up on Dateline from
that yummy exoskeleton Maria Shriver.
Jump in, honey. Don't be afraid.
The turtle will keep you safe.
- Hey, Chris, aren't you comin' in?
- Can I swim with my shirt on?
Hey! Hey, everybody! Hey, look what
Chris Griffin's father Peter Griffin's doin'!
Sir, you can't park your van
on the diving board.
- Are you ready to...
- Go away!
and your father can help you exercise.
- Honey, they're good for you.
- Yes! Yes!
- I'll have what he's having.
- Hup! Hup! Hup! Hup! Hup!
- Hup! Hup-hup! Hup! Hup!
Come on! You can do it.
Feel the burn, Chris. Feel the burn.
OK, just relax.
Try to soil yourself, like we practised.
Bovine lummox! Oh!
If you can find a hole on the boy that
you wanna put your lips on, be my guest.
FYI, he used the fat he took out of her
to make the two kids from Good Burger.
And I get all that fat, like the fat's my buddies
stuck behind enemy lines, you know.
Oh, good boy, Stewie. Clean plate.
Although I think you got...
and we have something very tasty
for big fat you. Bon appétit!
Dad took me to a doctor to get
the fat vacuumed out of my belly.
doing something as unbelievably foolish as
getting liposuction? Who, I ask you? Who?
He's become so massive he's collapsed
into himself like a neutron star.
You know, there's somethin'
I always wanted to do, Brian,
I was wonderin' if I could put a little saddle
on your back and ride you like a horsy.
- Hyah! Hyah! Come on, Old Paint!
- I can feel the bones in your ass!
Meg, you're not gettin' plastic surgery.
Fear not, some day word will reach you
about the success of me,
or your eyes are too close together,
or your chest is flabby. You are who you are.
- Dad, you're pretty! Like a girl!
- You look like a totally different person.
- Peter, did you get a new buttocks?
- I had to. My old one had a crack in it.
But all those people were in front of me.
Well, as a rule, I would say no,
but OK, come in.
Hey, when you're beautiful,
doors magically open for you.
This is the Beautiful People's Club,
and you're our newest member.
Serves you right. You tried to make Chris
jealous, now you have an eating disorder.
Aired 9 years ago - Feb 23, 2011
After Phil and Claire have a huge fight, Gloria steps in to counsel Phil while Jay counsels Claire. Jay has some regret in buying Gloria a karaoke machine. Cameron is in full prep mode for a huge fund-raising event and asks Mitchell and Luke for help.
I didn't think I'd make a good Gigi either,
but, God help me, I was flattered.
- That's 30.
- Hit me.
- I'm the proprietor of this delicatessen.
- Butt out, shlomo. All I need is your address.
Look, Lois, we had a broken car, I did
"something", and now we have a new car.
Hey, Cleveland, check out my on-board
computer navigation system. Standard.
You're in debt to the Mob. That means
they can ask you to do anything.
- Rita Rudner funny.
- Yeah, Rita Rudner funny.
I have asked you here tonight
so that you may perform a service.
He's also vile and disgusting.
- No, what time is it?
- It's time for you to get your groove back.
- Home? You know, for dinner.
- Oh, yeah? What are we havin'?
That'd be better than having dinner with
my family who I love and am not afraid of.
I am gettin' tired of you doin' everything
without consultin' me. And...
You know, he meant you're crazy like...
Sorry, what finishing school
did you say you went to?
Tell me, kid, what are you, like, 27?
He's not the kind of person
I want hangin' around our family.
This is my friend, Big Fat Paulie,
and, uh... this is his big fat ass.
- Really? You're not just sayin' that?
- No, no. It's all Lois.
We make holes in teeth!
We make holes in teeth!
People are worse off than Willy Loman.
Aw, come on, Lois. The only victim
tonight was the work of Arthur Miller.
- You thought I wanted you to whack Lois?
- I sort of put a hit out on ya.
- How could you put a hit on me?
the chap who's been touting the merits
of a United European Commonwealth?
- Where's the don?
- The don?
"Now, get the asterisk, percent,
ampersand, out of here, you SOB."
Yeah, I had the doctor look at that.
- What did you do?
- Oh dear, there are so many people to thank.
It's not that perfect.
We'll probably have to buy a gift.
Didn't you see The Godfather? The don can't
refuse a favour on his daughter's wedding.
You can ask them not to kill Mom.
Yes, because together we can do anything,
face any foe, overcome any obstacle.
What the hell are you talking about?
Aired 9 years ago - Feb 16, 2011
Claire and Cameron are dismayed by the guest list for Lily's princess-themed birthday party. Then DeDe attends with Claire's old high school boyfriend in tow. Jay and Gloria turn to their own unique methods of dealing with this gathering of misfits.
It's a talking storybook.
- Hi, you've reached Jay...
- And Gloria.
the two of you couldn't keep
your hands off each other.
It's called parenting, Claire.
Can I have
- Look at you!
Hey, honey, who's this?
Wait a minute.
Oh, God, Claire.
Maybe Robbie isn't rich,
Hey, Luke, who's taller?
No. If I'd asked you,
you would have said no.
"Once upon a time,
there lived a family of bears.
Do you want me to hold it
and stand in the driveway?
the baby bear said..."
We have to do it over.
Yeah, it's because your ex-wife
is going to be there,
with your friend's daughter's
first communion coming up.
with my family.
Your 'ighness said
that the clown
I was thinking
about what you said,
Wait a minute.
That's back on the table?
A doctor had to cut off
my wedding ring.
Hey, do you still like
Okay, I think
we're... we're done.
I'll walk you out.
Oh, honey, I'm sorry.
All those mother's day cards
I sent her...
pulling boxer shorts
out of his mouth doesn't.
No, my God!
Love is beautiful.
It has no age.
Ay, look at the princess.
It's so beautiful.
Why, princesses don't get paid,
I cannot believe it.
Well, she and I are good.
Dad, seriously, can you deal
with Cheech and Chong?
Yes, I do. Yes.
all the time?
but I had a crush on your mother
back in high school,
Oh, my God.
Are you insane?
Aired 9 years ago - Feb 09, 2011
Claire and Phil decide to reprise their role-playing adventure from last year's Valentine's Day. Jay's surprise plans for Gloria keeps getting interrupted. A secret admirer comes between Cameron and Mitchell.
But today is not that day.
- This is...
- No. Phil. Phil. Phil. Don't hang up.
and meet me at our hotel in 30 minutes.
You think you can you manage that?
Um, actually, Claire, something's come up.
I'll slip the guy a few bucks.
This is 50 bucks.
Do not give us a table.
So, my boyfriend, David, blows me off on the
most romantic night of the year - to study!
David never sent me a jar of his own tears.
I am not here.
Wait. Before you start playing these games,
let me ask you one simple question...
Let me just say my piece.
So when you're ready, I'd
like to introduce you.
No. I just came by to pick up my man.
Oh, aren't you a dear?
Have I been that obvious?
So hard to see someone else have
something you want and can't have.
The - the crush is on me.
- It was.
But I have exactly $10 million...
Or should I say "pretty smart"?
Surprising, I know. I'm usually pretty good
at catching things from women in bars.
It's not a gift card.
Or maybe it is.
but I'm hungry, I look
fantastic, we're staying.
Well, maybe I should just shut them up.
Well, w-whose room is this, then?
Oh, please, do not worry about it.
Why do I feel like you're
hinting at something?
You just said he didn't.
and see which one of us he runs to?
Why do you treat me like I'm the first?
- What the hell?
- I win!
You are romantic, and I'm smarter than you.
"Mitchell, by now I'm sure Cameron has
told you what happened in the elevator. "
Treasure each other. Sincerely, Broderick.
Aired 9 years ago - Jan 19, 2011
The kids get a surprise of their own when they take breakfast in bed to Phil and Claire on their anniversary. Jay and Gloria's Vegas vacation plans are ruined by a brutally honest email accidentally sent to Claire,. Mitchell and Cam try to get into a new restaurant owned by a mom at Lily's preschool.
In fact, you weren't even
there when we sta...
your zesty performance
deserves some praise.
It! They were doing it!
Relax. We'll get her.
Oh, yeah, because all the finest
restaurants in the world
I don't want them flying over my food.
I'm sorry, Jay.
And I'd still be trapped in a loveless marriage.
Oh. I just opened one nearby.
Oh. One second.
Did you hear that?
- It's fine.
- Stop moving.
Okay, this is why she's so successful.
of that fabulous restaurant of yours
You know, she also has
that restaurant in Las Vegas
Will you stop gasping? It's just a diaper...
First of all, that's how
they always look at us.
They didn't even talk about it.
We set the tone here.
So let's just play it cool.
And I was all, "someone
who doesn't want to see
as when he smells a new car?
Let's go. Come on.
I don't know. There was
just a lot of screaming.
We'll just... we'll tell
Amelia what happened,
Oh, no, it was in, oh,
I mean, we wouldn't make someone pay
put it under the couch.
because now I'm thinking
it was Joan Collins' house.
Claire, it was an accident.
but you have to admit
that you're only happy
I may pass out.
Can I use your computer?
I just need to check one e-mail.
to apply her make-up
or use her computer.
Good thing we had mom's gas card.
How often do they
let Luke go... go to school
But, you know, I...
Half of my friends'
parents are divorced.
I don't know where those kids are.
better than the two of you did.
Stefanie powers had to go
undercover as a call girl.
I was sending an e-mail
to my brother in Colombia.
Gloria, I'm not an idiot.
It's so embarrassing.
- I need to sit.
- Of course you do.
- Yes. - Bye-bye!
It was the perfect plan.
Aired 9 years ago - Jan 12, 2011
Phil and Claire pressure Alex to ease back on her school work, but begin to worry about their own intellectual drives. Jay is upset when Gloria tries to befriend a new couple, and Mitchell runs into an old female flame.
I saw you.
Miles never spoke again.
But every year until his death -
What's that? Something out at sea?
Are you kidding? God, this is worse
than having Ronald McDonald for a father.
I think I got a wave here!
Don't worry. You and your friends
are gonna have a great time.
and Milton Berle's legendary genitals. Ah!
- Um... I can't.
- OK, finish up and then come out.
- Ow! Ah, jeez! Lois, what is that? Acid?
- You guys are ruining my life!
Look, I mean it. All of you.
Oh, God, where's Stewie?
Welcome back to "Diane!"
Well, actually, I'm not really a woman.
OK, OK. So, how do you feel?
Like this one guy, didn't know
he was actually two midgets.
- Meg, how did you get these tickets again?
- Let's bring them up right now.
I can't believe you'd do this to us, Meg.
Maybe now I won't give you the antidote.
You there, Bingo. It seems the naughty baby
has made a messy-poo in his...
- Whoa! Is that really the blood of Christ?
Well, you'd better let him out!
Peter, do you think there might be
any validity to what Meg is feeling?
I look at you and I see a series.
We would like to put cameras in your house
- So, do we have a deal?
- Let's shake on it.
How could you do this? You turned my life
into the 24-hour Loser Channel.
Um... you might have noticed
my underwear has a hole in it.
Oh, now, sweetie,
your father is just a free spirit.
What the hell is this? I said egg whites only!
It's just there's always been a lot
of tension between Lois and me,
"My God! Wouldn't it be marvellous
if I turned out to be a homosexual?"
Wow! Joe, this sort of makes you
like Larry from Three's Company.
here at the Lobster Shanty.
Oh, my God, it is them! I can't believe
the Griffins eat here like everyday people.
We can't do the show without Meg.
Look, the bottom line is
you folks are still under contract, OK?
No cameras. The TV executives don't want
viewers to be confused and think you're Meg.
"It spun in. There were no survivors."
We're gonna be late!
Why won't you talk to me?!
Oh. I guess not.
but, uh, you know, I always think...
Of course I do, silly. I'm your sister, Meg.
Aired 9 years ago - Jan 05, 2011
Claire becomes a vigilante to catch a car that speeds though their streets. Phil tries to land an important listing with a difficult client, Jay teaches Manny (and Gloria) how to ride a bike. Mitchell and Cameron meet a mysterious neighbor who is quite the charmer.
This is gonna be my
best year since 2006.
My new bike. Mom got
it for me yesterday.
How could he fall?
on the weekend,
I'm buying you a bike,
Hey, Phil. Come on in.
so it sits around for a year
I got all the paperwork right here.
So, uh, Sunday 12:00 to
4:00 for the open house?
Ah, that's all right.
It's either "but" or "yet,
" not both.
If I stay in here one more minute,
Oh, I know... a falcon!
Dad, jump in.
Yeah, it just says
"slow down your neighbors!"
I called the police,
and they were totally unhelpful.
for salesman of the quarter
seven quarters in a row.
Uh, I just want to
let you guys know
I could tell you thought I
might be a little nutty.
Anyway, I'm sorry
if I offended you.
Be careful, papi.
Be careful with the bump!
No, no! Pedal!
It's probably some bored housewife
Maybe we should back
off a little bit.
Hey. Gloria. What's up?
I've taught a bunch of my friends.
Oh. Hey, Cameron.
I'm... I'm sorry.
I thought it was implied...
There's no dinner! Dinner is off!
I'm going to take your hand...
I never... I never said upstairs.
Don't you dare!
There was nothing to be afraid of.
Aired 9 years ago - Dec 08, 2010
At Luke and Manny's first school dance, Jay and Phil take them to the mall which turns disastrous, Claire's is jealous when Gloria joins the school dance committee. Cameron and Mitchell learn about Lily biting other kids at the playground.
No wonder this clown died.
His lungs are filled with candy!
Don't you remember me?
l was your favorite student.
Come on, Mr. Fargas,
do the whole darn thing.
That's what l think about you taking
chill pills from the Man.
Chris, your mother wants me and you
to have a talk.
But peeping can be dangerous,
so l brought you this.
Give me that!
What's the use? You're right.
The egg drop, an annuaI tradition
for junior-high-schooI science students,
...but those of the endangered
...has just dismissed RandaII Fargas,
ending his 32-year teaching career,
Great. You can get Mr. Fargas his job back.
Lois, l can't let you deprive our children
of a fine teacher like Mr. Fargas.
Look over there!
Peter, since when do you care
about the School Board?
See you on the campaign trail.
Now look here, you loathsome cur!
Don't just sit there! l have misbehaved!
l've been a bawdy little monkey!
The debate is tonight and you don't seem
to have any supporters.
So fasten your seat beIts,
We're just minutes away...
...you're supposed to do Mephistopheles
in a scary voice like this!
"Like breathing out and breathing in
"Accustomed to her voice
your opening statement, pIease,
What might be right for you,
may not be right for some,
Maybe something about education?
That was AdoIpho Shabba-Doo
They deserve a schooI board president who
doesn't Ieave their feminine ointments...
- Peter, that's enough!
- Eats babies,
...or even been to a PTA meeting,
Peter! Come on! Stop,
Shut up! You guys shut up!
Lois Griffin is a sIut,
...because some words are
big and hard to understand,
...that Lois Griffin is not the kind of person
they want running their schools.
I heard that,
Don't even talk to me, Peter.
You humiliated your own wife!
lf you blow this chance to do something
good for our kids...
Aired 9 years ago - Nov 24, 2010
Mitchell tries to tell Cameron how he feels uncomfortable with his mom, Barb Tucker. Haley breaks up with Dylan to Phil's dismay and Claire's delight. Jay has a little stomach ache that gets exacerbated when he and Manny look it up on the Internet.
Stomach pains can mean
a lot of things...
to make out with you?
Trust me... it's the
right thing to do.
She walks in, hair all
silver from the chlorine...
It was traumatic, Haley.
He's gonna need
someone to lean on.
It's done. We broke up.
It was like she was blind
- Nothing... just gettinga spoon.
- Stop it.
- because God forbid I say anything
negative about his mom. - Mm.
Think about it.
but, you know, I just,
uh, want to make sure.
Oh, Dylan, Dylan, Dylan, Dylan.
sometimes I come in
here and noodle on it.
I mean, we could...
Uh, what... what the hell?
through the... front door.
Isn't she the best hugger?
Oh, wow, yeah, feel free
to fish around in there.
It's really knotted up.
- Don't burn your tongue.
- All right, honey.
and you never seem to notice.
I don't know if this is just
sexual or... or crazy town,
Fun! What else?
They were talking about taking
a trip to Graceland together.
Well, describe the pain.
It's not his fault.
I asked him to look.
then tell Florence Nightingale
I went to the hospital.
I'm just surprised he
didn't say anything...
David... David the tutor.
Your new girlfriend.
Well, then why
aren't you answering it?
Oh... my... God...
I mean, I kept on hoping that
we'd get back together.
And I mean me,
not another guy named Dylan.
We need to get you into
surgery right away.
No, it's not okay!
You're over 60, right?
maybe I do touch you too much.
Aired 9 years ago - Nov 17, 2010
Manny is depressed about his birthday. Phil and Claire engage in a not-so-friendly car race on the way to the party, and Mitch and Cam get sidetracked when they stop at the mall to pick up a gift.
Where was the last place
you put your keys?
You know, we wouldn't
be having this problem
'Cause that's where we
found your cellphone.
I'd forgotten to have a childhood.
The system works.
that says, "just listen to me,
I'm always right."
"Manny's birthday." No,
dad! Look at the road! There's a truck!
that when I said we
were splitting up...
No, swerving into a curb and
popping your tire loses races.
It's a beautiful afternoon,
Lily's with a sitter.
You are too tied to
your rigid schedules.
And that he's always loved you!
Give him your cellphone.
I wasn't really...
I'm looking for butts.
to, say, putting them
on the key holder
This never happened.
W-why do you ask?
I dropped your phone.
Cam, come on.
We're running out of time.
So, what is it? Boys?
Dad? Are you upset?
and I'm handling it really well.
You called me daddy?
But I had to give all that up,
Oh, my God! Ohh!
I check. You rest.
What's the point? You were right.
I-I was born 16.
He wants to cancel his party
because he missed his childhood.
yes. You know what? Here we do go.
Excuse me, constable,
what... what is going on?
No, this is joyful, Mitchell.
I thought, "hells yes."
Aired 9 years ago - Nov 03, 2010
Claire and Haley are stuck at home sick. Gloria and Manny's surprise visit at work causes a headaches for Jay. Cameron is swept up by all the lights and cameras when he goes behind Mitchell's back and takes Lily for a commercial.
You should've heard them laughing at me.
worked for the patent office.
...you have to find a way
to express yourself creatively.
...who introduces culture and civility
to a barbaric, patriarchal...
You're right. Man was meant to create.
That's why God invented Shrinky Dinks.
"summer, winter, or fall
Brian, that was beautiful!
Sing Baa Baa Black Sheep!
Am I supposed to draw the penis?
But then I realized that this is it.
...my choreographer and I
want to thank everyone for auditioning.
- Great, 'cause I could use some.
The King of Siam? Why, that's the lead!
By not using you to your full potential.
Okay, boys! Let's do it!
There is in
"Peter Griffin presents The King and I."
Good producers put their ideas to work
outside the theater.
...and that's, like, 10 people right there.
Get out of here! Go on, get out of here!
...a Peter Griffin production,
and I'm giving you the exclusive story.
I got us a story on the 11:00 news.
I'm getting late word
that you're a petty, jealous, closet case.
I don't know, Peter, she's a news reporter.
Hey, everybody, here's our star!
Okay, let's go from the top of Scene 7.
This is Rodgers and Hammerstein,
not trash TV!
Come on, Lois. Those hoop skirts
make Diane look a little hippie, you know?
And you! I just plain don't like you!
I just made a few creative changes
to the recipe.
Face it, you're just jealous because
people like my ideas better than yours.
- "Carnation," "peony."
- No, they did that on last week's Marlowe.
Peter, you've never done a creative thing
in your life!
The only thing you create before 9:00 a. M...
Okay, let's run this scene again.
It's a living, breathing creature
with wants and needs...
Someone radiant and sassy...
Aired 9 years ago - Oct 27, 2010
Claire gives each family member a role to play in spookifying the Dunphy house for Halloween, but Cameron hates Halloween due to a traumatic childhood experience. Mitchell had a terrible day at work, and Gloria acts weird after Jay and Manny tease her about her accent.
Yeah, a lot of memories here.
Look, my first bike.
As it turns out, the lump on your chest
was just a fatty corpuscle.
This sucks, Brian.
Why should I have to pay this?
I'm Calista Flockhart. Who the
hell do you think I am? I'm Death.
That's a good one.
I guess he must know, right?
Your HMO emailed it to me.
We were in the middle of a turkey dinner
to celebrate Peter's good health.
...I did some films
I'm not particularly proud of.
I guess this is good-bye.
Meg, you're the man of the family now.
A 20-minute call to Larchmont?
Who do we know in Larchmont?
Yeah. That felt good,
dropping me on the couch like that.
I have to stay off it for a while.
...l'm no longer lurking in the shadows,
consequences will be dire.
I'm gonna jump off this building.
I know I should find this ironic,
but I'm just bored as hell.
What did you use
for this cocoa, crap?
I hear it's got a great picture of me
sneaking up on Tom Snyder.
It seems with Death incapacitated,
my matricidal efforts are futile.
You guys, I bet I can go up to each one
of those scary-looking bikers and say:
Actually, kid, I kind of fell into this gig.
I really wanted to be a wood nymph.
Stewie, leave Death alone.
Sandy? Not again.
Okay. I'll spare his life.
Our top story tonight,
the rules of death no longer apply.
Peter, are you saying
that if I shoot you in the head...
And now it's time for sports.
You have to go out there and do my job.
He could never kill anyone.
...because there's this girl in New York,
and it's getting kind of serious.
You have to do something that will
get everyone's attention, something huge.
I knew it! As soon as that show
came on the air, I said:
If you go now, you'll catch them.
Aired 9 years ago - Oct 20, 2010
In an attempt to reconnect the family, Phil and Claire challenge them to see who can abstain from using their electronic devices the longest. Mitchell and Cameron attempt to get Lilly into the best pre-school. Gloria deals with the neighbor's barking dog.
It's not even man-crazy Mona. It's all of us.
And Cleveland, you're the boss
because of your attention to detail.
Since you're half a man already,
that splits them...
My daddy always said,
"Cleveland Jr., quit jumping on the bed!"
the wrong keys are electrified.
Oh, nuts. Young lady.
Are you as excited as I am, Tom?
That's not Angela.
That's Mona, Angela's mom.
Our neighborhood hasn't been this united
since Quagmire got us free cable.
Come on now! This is damn foolish!
You'd be amazed how little one eats
when your legs don't work.
Meg, order up!
Flappy, good news!
I've decided not to kill you!
Welcome to Flappy's.
What's going on out here?
Perhaps someone could enlighten me as
to the whereabouts of our Golden Clam?
Pretty high and mighty for a man
who left our nation's flag out in the rain...
He's sorting your recycling
because he loves our Mother Earth.
Last night I was stealing Joe's ladder
so I could steal the trophy tonight.
Combine one small-town neighborhood
with a dash of missing trophy...
Giddy-up, you stubby little mare!
To the pancake house!
We realized our friendship is a lot
more important than some stupid trophy.
Or a pilot. Or a deli owner.
...and, when stepped on, they explode?
I'm absolutely coo-coo for crack!
There's a bear trap two feet to your right.
Daddy, we got one!
A bunch of card-carrying Commies
if you ask me!
How dare you! This is a wonderful home!
How in the world did you make $1,100
as a waitress in one week?
Welcome to your new home.
- I promise, it'll never happen again.
- I hope not, Mrs. Stevens.
This is where babies come from.
We're the ones who fed dog food
to our crack-addicted baby.
Damn those parents of his.
You told Child Services that we steal
lawn mowers and cheat on our taxes...
You were all working together just fine,
but then you won that stupid trophy.
Aired 9 years ago - Oct 13, 2010
Claire tries to convince Phil that his realtors' banquet speech is unfunny. Mitchell tries to convince Cameron to change his wardrobe. Jay and Gloria go to a quinceañera hosted by one of his employees. Haley gives Alex advice on how to be cool.
Peter, you've been wearing that giant
foam cowboy hat for eight months now.
- Bend down, Mother.
- Yes, honey?
I will not be forgetting... those outrages.
God, I flew across the Atlantic by myself.
I'm a national treasure, for God's sake.
What about Amelia? She saw everything.
- Is everything OK?
- Yeah, I just... I couldn't sleep.
Remember, to help control the pet population,
have your pets spayed or neutered.
It looks like someone
already tried to clean it up.
- Huh. See, we're Catholic, so...
- Then you want You're a Naughty Child
Those look like our sheets and our quilt.
- It'll help me relax.
- OK, buddy.
before he bends a French biscuit
on the conveyor belt?
Look, I... I really don't even know why
I'm here. The urologist said I was fine.
It's just that... I...
Now look at me. Middle-aged,
alone and peeing in supermarkets.
Our next dedication
goes out to Tony from Kim.
I think you're in pain.
Tricia Takanawa's special report on sex.
Hey, Lois, I...
Whoa, hang on. I gave you
one of the ones with silverware in it.
- Oh, my God! Are you Stephen King?
- No, I'm Dean Koontz.
Being out in the world,
feeling my power-and no accidents.
but maybe we should consider... crating.
Not so mighty now, are you, Catwoman?
- All that running water. That's gotta be it!
Me and Lois? That's sick.
Don't get antsy. I got three minutes left.
He, uh... thinks I'm in love.
- Sir, I need a decision.
- Uh, uh...
I'm gonna go find out how she feels.
- Come sit with me.
- Oh, OK.
And now Part 3 of Asian correspondent
Tricia Takanawa's special report on sex.
and he's in the bathroom right now,
possibly doing drugs.
- Your tail keeps hitting me.
- If it's bothering you, I can stop.
Aired 9 years ago - Oct 06, 2010
When an earthquake hits, Claire gets stuck in the bathroom with the plumber, Manny experiences an existential crisis while out with Jay, and Mitchell and Cameron use it as an excuse to get out of attending a party.
you said that you had
to go to the office.
Are you gonna go to church
Come on, Jay!
But to just roll up my sleeves
and tell her I did it.
The door is jammed.
I wasn't pushing.
In fact, I was pulling a little.
Get a crowbar
if you have one!
I'll drive you
wherever you want.
Okay. Two weeks.
after the earthquake,
Because I'm the one
that always cancels.
we're not --
And it did.
You did panic, Cam.
God, if you have a problem
with me golfing...
I think I'm gonna skip it today
And you're making me angry!
Probably good for us to
spend a little time together.
That's just perspective
playing tricks on your mind.
but hurry up, Phil!
I've had four of 'em.
And then it hit me
why this kid drove me so crazy.
So you're not worried
about getting in trouble?
just goes to heaven?
This is turning
But I happen to have won this
at my first 4-h summer camp
But you're happy to wear
the mink coat
I'm just always surprised
how small this place is.
Meantime, I just saw them out
riding their bicycle.
Well, since you
brought it up, pepper...
And now you two!
You're gonna die alone!
What if they send you
to the wrong place?
On this beautiful,
It was just a hunch,
Because I do.
Yeah. It's very heavy,
Who am I?!
New York or L.A.
Aired 9 years ago - Sep 29, 2010
Gloria decides to honor her late grandmother by cooking more traditional Colombian meals; Claire finds out Alex is interested in a boy; Mitchell's aversion to public displays of affection causes an argument.
except maybe making that
stupid sound with his mouth.
before you start making up
excuses to get out of it?
I have tried to talk to her.
And I don't think
that you were the good girl
than the real you.
You won't kiss me in front of other people
That's different. That's confrontation.
You don't like "kiss-buggy"?
I've been trying to get
this old picture of her printed,
Mr. Hot-dog fingers who can't press "print"
So, I hear you have a boyfriend.
Well, what are you waiting for?
I thought you were.
so I unplugged it.
Here's a little trick that I've found
pretty useful with Claire.
Uh, that should be printing.
Hi, Jeremy. I want to ask you something.
Oh, God, that's from "Notting hill."
my beliefs, my chunchullo, my abuela.
My culture is very important to me!
In Colombia, when you cook
in honor of the departed,
Higher! Louder! There!
Do you know how embarrassing
this is for me?!
- You read her texts?!
Well, I'm sorry I'm not a perfect
little good girl like you were!
She said she felt her here this morning...
if that's really you,
I mean, lord knows
I... I've got my quirks.
Tonight we dine on the
traditional Colombian recipes
To Ana-María Rosa...
One moment you were there,
the next, only shoes.
Ay, Cameron, it's not Mitch's fault.
It's because of you that your
son cannot kiss his own lover.
in front of my whole family.
you were delivered to my door
in a squad car,
I had to download new firmware,
install new drivers,
This is what we're talking about.
Well, what's wrong with "thanks"?
Trust me, I gave you twice as
much as my father ever gave me.
Mitch, when was the last time
he kissed you?
Jay, kiss your son. He's a mess.
Don't be coy.
Aired 9 years ago - Sep 22, 2010
Phil finally agrees to sell the old station wagon but only after a family trip down memory lane; Cameron asks Jay for help when Mitchell decides to build a life-size princess castle for Lily.
mothers are very clingy to their sons.
Oh, I'm sure one won't make a difference.
- Incredible game.
The parade was awesome, though.
No, sweetie, you loved Blankety.
that he wanted to being home
a jar of sunshine
Hey! It's that guy who came by earlier.
What's a band like the Grateful Dead?
You can do it, dad.
and Blankety... All that stuff... I just...
Until someone can figure out
how to keep a wormhole
The weirdest thing...
It was wrapped in an old towel
- Want to help?
- Yeah, sure.
Three construction dudes!
Who wants chocolate milk?
You wouldn't like it.
We don't have to put flags
on the spires.
It was a lot easier
than you made it out to be.
Are you... are you trying
to get rid of me?
I mean, castle goes right up,
I ran right into it.
Don't listen to her.
to a simpler time...
We have one more night of family fun!
like sports and construction.
Look at all he has done.
Wait. Garnish. We're men...
but I'm still a man,
No. Oh, no.
Who's the bitch now, bitches?
You want to join us?
I've be in at... Yeah.
No, a Burger King.
- Ew! Spider!
Oh, God, he's gonna blow, mom!
- Oh, I looked, I looked, I looked.
- Ohh, God.
Stop, stop, stop.