Aired 11 years ago - May 19, 2008
Ted is in a car accident that prompts Marshall to talk about miracles. Everyone flashbacks to prior moments in their lives.
No, Ted, it's okay.
over tofu salmon
at her sister's wedding?
Hello, may I speak
with Marshall Eriksen?
She's at that
Think that's good for it?
There's no such thing
Well, do you have a better
explanation for it?
Go for Barney.
Oh, of course
and you know how they say
that your whole life flashes
I love you.
who wants Uncle Marshall
to get his old job back?
I was going through
a stressful time.
I- I don't want to bore you
with the details.
first years as an attorney.
I am good.
to liberate me
from corporate bondage.
That wasn't a breakup.
Exactly, and I took
that "We're good" to mean
then you're going
to have those feelings again,
Jeez. Flatter yourself much?
I'm doing awesome without you.
Yeah, dude. Why do y think
I had them set it this way?
You're my brother, Ted.
Let's skip ahead.
My beautiful suit.
You really want to know?
Good-byI love you.
Aired 11 years ago - May 12, 2008
When Barney and Abby realize that they have one thing in common - their mutual hatred of Ted - the "couple" decides to go to the bar to flaunt their new relationship in Ted's face.
Oh, boo-hoo, poor little Ashley.
With his stupid
I'm sorry I yelled out "Abby."
Whatever, red cowboy boots.
classic Westerns that involve red cowboy boots.
Oh, I know, sweetie.
That's it. We're selling the TV.
of course I believe in you!
About 1,500 bucks.
But then at the last minute...
and nobody's even glanced at my painting.
even if you're not a pretentious douche.
I pull these off!
"Oh, I want to fall in love and have a relationship.
Yeah, and I need to show Ted that I'm over him.
Lifelong dream hanging in the balance!
And since I'm a professional artist now,
A gay couple without kids.
I'm going to go call them.
Now I'm all about farmers' markets
You know, movie night with my girlfriend,
Uh, okay, Barney, you can stop.
what being in a relationship leads to, Ted.
I would never joke about true love.
Uh, yeah, I don't think Abby knows you're kidding.
You sound happy.
Yeah, it's an original Anton Kreutzer,
Well, if you didn't want the painting, can I...
Champagne for everyone on me,
piece by piece.
I-I'm here about the painting my wife Lily solyou--
but that's not the important part.
Who's Dr. Greer a-and why did he take my painting?
just sitting right there on top
Whoa, I think he remembers me
Aired 11 years ago - May 05, 2008
Barney gets a new wingman and Ted meets Stella's daughter.
You never gonna believe this. I'm at the hospital.
-Hello -Hanging up on you once wasn't enough.
I'm kind of nervous.
Let's put this in context.
the world was just learning about SARS.
Look, Ted, guys regret the girls they didn't sleep with.
Notable deaths in 2003...
It's all about expectations management.
Just need to check my calendar. Be right back.
but not nearly as good as I'd built it up to be in my head.
my expectations for tonight.
I don't want you to ever wonder if I was worth it.
It happens. I knew a guy in med school...
Randy, we never use the word "bro" in the name
he was an even bigger loser than you.
That's why tonight is going to be legendary...
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!
just to have a little "night out."
You told them
Stella, I'm sorry.
I peaked really young.
or were you looking for one?
Okay, Randy, now,
Pretty soon you'll be able to anticipate it,
Oh, it's a koala bear.
Just saying words to women.
Just start by introducing Yourself.
Barney, why are you so desperate to have this happen?
What randy and I have is real.
But I think it's pretty much draining backwards now.
Aired 11 years ago - Apr 28, 2008
Barney and Marshall have a discussion about "The Bro Code" because Barney has broken it and wants advice.
If this were a doctor's office, they'd say, "try again."
And just what are you accusing me of?
Just be sure to invite stella.
I'll take it.
That's a tuesday for me.
That you can't tell anyone-- not ted,
I don't know.
Because I need you, Marshall, as my lawyer,
The Bro Code.
"The mom of a bro is always off limits,
The place: Philadelphia.
the way bros comport themselves among other bros.
I've just been losing my mind lately,
And you would pay me for that?
I'd hire the guy we pay
You got it, toots.
And Frank went on to traumatize Lily's entire class
I-I guess I'll keep her up on the roof.
I thought about that.
Dude, two girls are fighting at MacLaren's.
provide his bro with protection."
any better about it is if you tell Ted what you did.
Lily would come to regret those words.
scotch at Ghostbar, then two ringside seats
there's something that I have to tell you,
I came across this.
it's a little weird, but, um,
Marshall, can we keep the goat?
Oh, you should talk.You slept with Barney.
Did he have like devices and stuff?
Aired 11 years ago - Apr 21, 2008
Robin's musical past emerges again as the group learns of someone named Simon from Robin's past. Barney searches for more Robin Sparkles memorabilia.
Yeah, why would he want to get back together with Louise Marsh?
We have a sprinkler.
Tell me you did not load the drum set.
no matter how much you want to deny it,
He now works at a water slide park outside of Ottawa.
and a clear loser.
You got old.
He's Red Province.
I'm sorry, Simon.
If I'm not sitting in that stool
No, I didn't know...
Well, it hasn't panned out yet, but the band's still going.
Which brings us to the most important piece
about a thousand times, and you, sir, are not in it.
You leave me no choice.
chasing down something that possibly can't be found.
When you're around someone from your past,
Michelle? She sounds hot.
I know this is crazy,
Oh, uh, sure.
And then play it.
* Climb aboard the Murder Train *
Robin, your revertigo is really starting to affect your work.
Okay, hold on.
No, I'm sorry, but it's for your own good.
You're not going to that show tonight!
God, I just love seeing you so happy.
You're breaking up with me?
I'm sorry, Robin.
Actually, it's associative regression. You see,
Soon, it was just Robin.
What's the matter?
Oh! Oh, come here.
And... I guess I just... I wanted to feel that way again.
Robin Sparkles video 1,000 times,
No. The first is this guy
Aired 11 years ago - Apr 14, 2008
After Marshall witnesses a work buddy get yelled at after handing in a report, he becomes paranoid that the same will happen to him.
What, that's it?
Like christmas bonuses or sexual harassment.
We've barely made love in weeks.
So arthur's busy giving me the full screaming treatment...
On an apartment that is crooked.
I don't know what happened.
God, you're hot right now.
Have you finally finished the ninja report?
Then why are you still in my office?
With a big eloquent speech defending human dignity.
You see, we are all born with certain incontrovertible rights,
You got me hooked, reel me in.
You made this company look bad, and quite frankly,
I don't need to take your crap anymore.
Come on, come on, come on,
And then his cousin's website tanked.
Can somebody, for god's sakes,
I like to call the chain of screaming.
Lily screams at one of the kids in her kindergarten class.
It's a circle, ted, I called it a circle.
You guys always undermine me
Well, what I teach my kids in kindergarten...
In the future, if you want someone to do their best work,
I saw your wife's picture in your office.
I have the ninja report right here, but...
...or your bare back, a bead of eager sweat
Just pretend you're talking to stella.
Okay, I'll see you soon.
I need to get away-- just drive, man.
Sorry-- what happened?
I'm here to save your life-- you hungry?
Marshall, the chain of screaming is a real thing.
Someone who's gonna bring you meatloaf
Ooh, I like stories.
That waiter is every boss and every bully
Enjoy, my friends.
But I ordered a blt and gravy fries,
To have my wife scream at me because I'm never home.
Well, that's just not true.
If you're not gonna yell at the waiter,
I'm sorry, I couldn't hear you over the sound of a butterfly
Okay, now, well, that's just not cool.
Aired 11 years ago - Mar 31, 2008
Barney's efforts to hook up with women are being thwarted by a mysterious woman from his past. Barney and the gang must sift though his many past flings in an attempt to find out who she is.
Soon,these audio guides will be all that I have left.
Maybe you're not as good a liar as you think you are.
Oh,my God.Where is she?
-Yes! -That's all of them.
It's called my marriage license.
which one of these is the mystery woman.
I mean,some minor celebrities,one government official,
will systematically narrow down
The girl who thought he had 12 hours to live
12 hours to live!
How are we even discussing this?
three seed,"Girl who thought I owned Google,"
How could it not be Prince of Norway?!
Okay,we're down to the Final Four.
Kate or Holly.
When she comes out,I'm gonna hide,
Are you nuts?That would involve me speaking to a woman
bit a cop,and spent eight days in jail.
I just came on too strong.
but you still owe her an apol...
Yeah,I know,Barney,you showed me.
I'm making a scrapbook.
You're right,I do deserve that.
Tell your sisters.Tell your daughters
Have you lost weight?
So you're not mad at Barney?
made her stop running around with guys like you,
is go down to the bar,hit on someone,
and don't draw any attention to yourself.
But come back later.
Wow,you really are awful at this,aren't you?
Make your move to the bathroom.
Aired 12 years ago - Mar 24, 2008
Ted pursues a woman named Stella, but only gets attention from her receptionist Abby.
Sloppy Joe, shrimp cocktail
and a milk shake.
I require time and multiple listens.
In fact, you've inspired me.
You think so?
Everyone probably sounds like that.
weeks went by.
So by the time the fifth
session came around...
Is this lame?
Works for baboons.
You were like, "No, we
can't, we're friends.
When they're rude to you,
hang up the phone.
I like this.
Thanks. Thanks, Abby.
with her church group
every Wednesday night...
I thought you said "Alan."
if I read it, maybe we'd have
something new to talk about.
I'll let her know.
I was just, uh, checking
out the old bookshelf here.
Ted, I found your book.
Your little Stella is not so perfect.
What is it?
Oh, I just want to see her.
Please don't do that. Please.
I can get Ted to grow a moustache.
This is awful.
My-my tenth session is next week.
I swear to you, I did not.
There you go. Look, even if it is something,
Work and being with her,
that's pretty much my life.
Ted, I only have time
she was gonna say no and sure enough...
A little bit. You can't tell at all.
Aired 12 years ago - Mar 17, 2008
Ted lives like there's no tomorrow during a St. Patrick's Day celebration with Barney. Lily and Marshall spend the evening at their new apartment with Robin.
Aired 12 years ago - Dec 10, 2007
Ted's upcoming date with his doctor leads the gang to give him their own examples of why dating someone you already see regularly is a bad idea.
i know, i know.
-no! no!really? -are you insane?
-don't do it! -request denied!
we're perfect for each other.
yeah, well, i think it'll be okay.
you have a butterfly tramp stamp.
carl had to take off.you mind giving me a hand?
want to have dinner with us tonight?
i always felt there was this unspoken connection between us.
left wing for the vancouver canucks.
and we want to have a brunch double date with someone?
i had the kitchen whip these up, no charge.
come on, guys.free nachos.
to everyone involved
so want to do something later?
um, i'm sorry, i-i guess i just forgot.
um, well, we actually have tickets...
i will read it tomorrow.
step 6 is called purg...wait for it.
keeps leaving me love notes on post-its.
god, we are such idiots.
"hey, neighbor.""hey, neighbor.""hey, neighbor."
you've got a whole meat locker at home
while families pay to watch.
well, we love this bar.
now, a relationship-ectomy
curt, we need to talk.
i used to like you that way.
other girls and you,
So can i get a gin and tonic?
Then, out of nowhere, game over.
I think we're clear.
It wasn't the best idea
This is poisoned.
Aired 12 years ago - Nov 26, 2007
When Barney loses his way with women, he hopes a trip to the Victoria's Secret Fall Fashion Show will help him regain his form.
like do a bazillion push-ups.
i love it here.
barney stinson from statensland boulevard.
then she had me do 100 sit-ups
i rocked her world.
who knew everything about girls-- my brother james.
barney,you need to find a girl
somehow i imagine those players on the field
yeah,when you overthink simple things so much
figure skating lately.
i had sex with him.
i know we haven't seen each other for a while,
i rose like a phoenix from her mentholated bosom
you're going to have, a couple years from now when you're 40.
ok,well,that's not cool.
that kid had a tongue like a gecko.
maybe we could make a deal.
that was the best sex i ever had.
her number's on this card.
we tell you what to do.
no. why would i let the proval of one woman define who i am?
go. you're too sored to do anything anyway.
okay,this,boys,is not a regula season game.
hey,it's a nice party,huh?
i don't know.that was terrible.
there's Alessandra Ambrosio.
this is perfect.i can do this
hasn't been able to hit on a woman all night.
barney,maybe you have to open up to somebody.
is you have to go out there.
Hi,kiddo. Surprised to see you here.
No,I'm not having sex with you.
My whole identity is lost in a pit of menthol ashes.
Yeah,I'm done there,to
Like today Robin and I had a really nice moment.
to come over and thank you.
I haven't seen you work up a sweat there once.
Wait a minute.
Aired 12 years ago - Nov 19, 2007
Lily and Marshall have their first Thanksgiving as a married couple; Barney is tortured by the slap bet countdown clock, worrying about when the slap will be dished out.
a year earlier, marshall made a bet with barney
the day after thanksgiving.
if you're trying to freak me out
you showed your hand.
okay, kids, the truth is,bob probably looked like this.
let's go get a drink.
he's 150; robin's 27.
sleep-eating is a very serious and delicious medical condition.
they're both super swamped preparing for tomorrow.
yeah, they do.
yeah, i'll be there, absolutely.
no, i'm not going to wear the medal of honor.
are you working on the cranberry sauce?
the killer does not grab a bullhorn and announce,
-hey, happy thanksgiving. -you, too.
robin and i have never really been alone together.
because you don't want to hurt someone you really care about,
i yawned like a million times trying to get him to leave.
he panics and says the first thing that pops into his head.
i thought it would break the ice.
so we're making a pie for bob.
upset me? wait a second.
he's 41! why are you bashing on him so hard?
secondly, have i said one word
okay, maybe we should talk about this later.
and then we high-five again!
oh, lily, it's not as bad as it sounds.
clearly, we need to talk about this.
look, i'm not mad.
you're like the crappy kid in little league
this is thanksgiving. solve this right now.
shattering the time-slap continuum.
i can't eat.
-but it's slapsgiving.-no!it's not!
thanksgiving is a day of peace.
and for the rest of the day,
because it would be inconvenient not to.
so we sat down to our first thanksgiving
nope. this sucks.eat up and leave.
but she also started a new tradition.
Aired 12 years ago - Nov 12, 2007
Marshall awaits his bar exam results; Ted introduces his latest girlfriend to the gang, who all see the flaw that Ted has missed
why would i want to see that?
the results are in.
for who? a witch building a house in the forest?
and they'll e-mail it to you or something?
just try to keep it off your mind until then.
i don't know yet. i lost my password.
love you too.
but there is a way i can help you with your problem.
in a darkened parking structure?
see it now?
that my english teacher had sex with me.
you getrush you get from killing a unwanted dog
and it's got a huge blind spot.
we made love for ten straight hours.
cathy talks... a lot.
i like chicken.
lorax is a funny word.
who invented the murphy bed?
hey, do you guys like cannolis?
i was scared for her.
somebody got stay me here because the thing i am going out has so much.
and a lot of times boyfriends and girlfriends...
you said you wanted to know!
well, you could have let me enjoy it a little longer.
eventually, you get used to these annoying little things
i assumed because she's loyal, wears shiny belts
oh, man, honestly, dude, that's the meanest thing
besides dry twigs and small animal bones?
well, i never noticed it before until...
oh, my god, do i really chew that loudly?
this is all ted's fault.
actually, kleenex is a brand.
and stay away from the windows.
and the national security act of 1948, which created to cia.
i have to know, yes, yes.
you ready to see your future, bro?
to look at your stupid video?
uh-huh, yeah, i have to...
you drink it? is that how water works?
to your thing of singing what you do all the time.
Cause I left the detergent
i literally want to rip your head off.
Aired 12 years ago - Nov 05, 2007
Marshall and Lily's plan to buy an apartment is hampered by mistakes and Lily's hidden debt.
And I, I feel terrible
you know I'm cool that you spent tens of thousands of dollar
Don't bother with the hard sell.
It's the tallest mountain in Canada.
Is what Marshall should have said.
Who wants crapes of chocolate?
because I have too much credit card debt.
It's neve been refrigerated.
They're a Chinese couple that wanted a white baby
A place like this really needs a lady of the house.
Hey, uh, can we get this in singles?
I mean, you already have Marshall's.
Go ahead, just give him your social.
There we go Congratulation
My student loans.Great.
Okay, let me get this straight.
There, I said it and I'm not taking it back.
leave a trail of evidence all over the apament.
Notice the label is peed off.
and when Marshall gets rely angry.
Given the liquid consistency,
slamming it bend him.
There's only one possible conclusion.
Robin, just... I appreciate your help,
So, the next thing Lily did
They can't... get divorced.
Yeah, it is. It's weird.
Hey, hey, guys.
Oh, I should explain.
-without my bad credit dragging us down. -Lily...
Aired 12 years ago - Oct 29, 2007
Marshall has to contemplate giving up his plan of using his law degree to help the planet when he's courted by a major firm; Lily reveals a secret to Robin that not even Marshall knows; Ted discovers a porn actor is using his name
- More around the eyes.
- Oh, I do see that.
And here's your water,
in case you're dehydrated, Ted Mosby.
That's 42 movies a month.
Ted Mosby did an interview
in Adult Video Weekly.
Wow, I've been reading
your magazine since I was a little kid.
I mean, I know they're gonna ride me
pretty hard but they're great guys.
Dude, I am so, so psyched
that you're here.
why do you want to work
at Nicholson, Hewitt & West?
And before you know it,
you're naked in my apartment
Let me buy you dinner, tomorrow night,
as a thank you ?
The place I'm taking
you has Kobe lobster.
Oh, you should go. I mean,
you're not gonna take the job,
Well, it's yourlucky day. He's gonna be
signing autographs tomorrow night
This is the big number that's supposed
to impress me and... Wow.
I'm going to, uh,
try to remain cool.
You're not gonna be tempted by
big numbers and fancy perks.
walk out proud.
'Cause Robin was about to ask
Lily the one question...
I'm a criminal.
- How much do you owe?
- I don't know!
Dude, come on, let's just find
Bizarro me and get out of here.
which is why his work has
stood the test of time.
I don't know what it is.
but I never paint anymore.
Wait, okay, this
all makes sense.
I know. It's terrible that I was
trying to get him to do that.
Mr. Mosby, it is an
honor to meet you, sir.
You told them to go pick
on someone their own size.
Yeah, listen, Ted,
you got to stop using my name.
You know, I'm actually looking for a new
project to shoot next Friday afternoon.
I guess I thought
you'd be psyched.
Lance Hardwood, yeah.
I love it.
the long journey home after doing
something you regret the night before.
- I crashed uptown.
- Yeah, yeah. Listen,
and it was a haze of cigars
and scotch and Swayze,
disgusting money that could
help our future family
you've got to stop screaming.
Maybe you should use this
to write down people's orders.
Lily, you have to tell him.
You can help him make this decision.
I have something to say, and it's gonna
help you make your decision.
I think you should take
the job at the NRDC.
Aired 12 years ago - Oct 22, 2007
Amid sharing stories with her about how members of the gang met each other, Ted's hot new girlfriend has a reaction to the meeting that gets her a high ranking on Barney's crazy scale.
and as fate would have it that someone was marshall.
dude, this black-haired goth chick stopped by today.
crazy-generous maybe,buying us drinks.
no. no. barney and i are not together. no. no.
you know who else is friends with ted?
he was, uh...let's say, eating a sandwich.
good afternoon, sir.
my parents are going to donate a lot of money to this school.
i didn't realize ted wasn't the dean
oh, here we go.
uh, no. but i would love to buy one of them, if...
no, i'm saying that you shouldn't be.
i'm taking my deaf brother out
he's my brother and i love him.
unless you're a total idiot.
barney.we met at the urinal.
be totally silent for the next five minutes.
and even though that girl ended up giving me a fake number,
but it's not a big deal.
wait, you guys dated?
i'm sure he will get you where you need to go.
let's see how blahblah is doing on the crazy/hot scale.
another girl i dated--
lily and marshall's story is so romantic.
about what you might get to do later tonight?
it was pretty strong.
so again, mum's thword, okay?
"we can know with certainty,
she knows about us,about how we really met.
ted, i honestly don't know what you're talking about.
before i met marshall, and it was just some random dude.
those kind of stats are only okay if you're 11,
i'm teaching ted how to live,
he's going to use force?
how much hotter is she
go get 'em, tiger.
that man is a god.
what do you think of that, robin?
and i'm unreasonably small mouth opening girl.
Aired 12 years ago - Oct 15, 2007
Barney and Ted compete for a girl. Robin is dating someone new.
sneaking towards a little baby.
we had a wonderful date. but....
he's just a kid
he won?! he won?
well-crafted, keep-you-guessing thriller
to a gentleman wearing your shoes.
and flashing two tickets to a spin doctors concert.
come on, dude. you've seen my list.
how about her?
and i totally got some over-the-shirt boob action
i just forgot.
of those shoes here comes
your bathroom buddy.
i think kids are so great,
six is when they, uh, they really start to, um...
so you don't like kids, so what?
aunt robin had to face her worst fear.
that's a bird's name.
i'm starving. will you make me cereal?
milk first it is.
that's what i said.
she's strengthening her core.
they're having a show this friday.
which let's be honest, we all know is being conservative,
you're right. it does count.
i don't mind.
nuzzling what i've already nuzzled,
doug thinks i'm pretty cool.
before he gets too attached.
there is no way that's a picture of me.
okay, granted, he's six,
hey, now that you're a mom are you going to start wearing
it's the right thing to do.
but i was here first
"and you smell like daisies"
this kid had never been dumped before.
i just hope we can still be friends.
why would i draw a picture of you?
robin my name is robin.
thanks a lot, by the way.
what do you mean "win"? you couldn't even talk to her.
Aired 12 years ago - Oct 08, 2007
Ted's new attitude attracts women in the present and one from his past. The rest of the gang pulls together to help him make the most of the situation.
|| (both shrieking and laughi||)
We could be so competitive.
We could stay here...
|| Okay, gu||... be cool.
||You've been vanquished, old bean.
and then snuck down ||e fire escape?
for Ted's affections, and I think...
||and if I chose wrong, I lose them both.
Is it stealing if you go out with someone's boyfriend
||Really? I think Ted is hilarious.
Anyway, both of these girls are into you; take your pick.
Wow. Gosh, separating conjoined twins,
|| It's a clearance sale ||and you're the boots, ba||.
||||No, I'm not doing it.
|||| there was that||ne thing we wanted to do.
|| Why do|'t we tell him together.
|| ||What's happening?
this running joke that the first gu||to actually pull this off
Remember you said if I e||r slept with that girl
|||| If Lily would've died before me, then I could ride the tricycle.
|| Well, it is ||tting pretty late.
|| You should tell more jokes in my apartment upstairs.
|| "P||ase, d||'t. I love my dead wife."
Lily, I have pounded three cappuc||nos waiting for you.
because privacy is ess||tial when you're listening to music.
|||||||| You're disgusting.
Oh, my God, this is a disaster.
||Well, who's not ge||ing a tip because of her attitude?
|| I've got TB.
the greatest warriors shoot them||lves in the foot.
|| Why would you do that to yourself?
|| The best chance in the world.
|||| It is my destiny to help my friend win it.
Aired 12 years ago - Oct 01, 2007
Ted and Barney pretend to be visitors to New York City to pick up women. Robin is still dating Gael.
i'm just happy
vacation romances have
an expiration date.
i'm telling you,
within three days...
what are we
to write the letter
not even ted."
plus automatic out,
(with southern accent):
uh, hey, uh, howdy, ladies.
from east westerton,
it's kind of a
lame bar, but sure.
amazing, fantastic, awesome.
laptop, laptop, laptop!
i was so happy down there.
gael, there's some weird du...
that blender so much,
why don't you just marry it.
how can you
open my letter?
to find the two lamest
new yorkers of all time.
nice. hey, nice.
not even rules.
even when baked
into a blueberry muffin
and number three, i...
everything's so bright,
even at night.
they took all
not even for long enough
to write you a stupid letter.
in a little bit of
dirty stuff, too?
this night's a disaster.
ted, please, we
are so close.
it's pretty much new york.
so we could sleep with you
and leave in the morning.
and flush yourselves back
to "pretty much new york"?
well, i will be
a monkey's unc...
no more tan,
no more beaded braids,
you know that.
lost your way.
let this happen.
Aired 12 years ago - Sep 24, 2007
Robin shows up with a date and this motivates Ted to 'get back out there'. We also learn something major about 'the Mother'.
I can touch your foot,
cleanse your kidney.
My career is living.
How do you know?
Glad you asked, Lily.
Oh, P.S., in order
to hit 33, all I need is
You guys, have fun
on your double date.
Male Gayle is not hot.
but she said the worst.
you someone way hotter
Ted, my boy,
I am going to re-teach you...
Oh, my God!
Covered in protective plastic.
Yeah, you're right.
I'm making out with a 12.
I am winning.
as you shall
henceforth be known,
It's a sacred bond,
much stronger than any...
I didn't wash my hands.
Lily, we are Ted's
Weren't you wearing a bra?
in the crotch
for your huge vagina?
I have a hot tub.
No, your tatts... toos,
No, he wouldn't.
Yeah, you would.
fantastic aquatic sex
on this windsurfing board.
In fact, here's
how okay I am.
This is so going
in my blog!
Hey, buddy, how
was your night?
Oh, and B the W:
He has no idea.
I want to apologize.
Since you and Robin split,
you've been gestating.
He's going to say it!
Oh, my God!
it all came back to me.
What a wuss.
Spanish massage oil.
I am beautiful.
Okay, that's enough
of the fruit.
He got a tramp stamp.
There'll be no startling
confession of love,