Aired 13 years ago - May 15, 2006
Ted tries to keep Robin from going on a camping trip so that she can spend time with him. Barney enlists the help of an old flame to perform a rain dance. At the same time Marshall finds out about Lily's interview for the fellowship in San Francisco.
Maybe you should just knock.
We look forward to hearing from you. Bye-bye.
I mean I've half said it. I've tried to say it, and I've said it badly.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Yeah, 'cause when we talked earlier, you said there'd be pizza.
- You're crazy.
- Right. Come on.
I gotta think about this.
So it's blue skies this weekend.
I will always treasure it.
What do you mean?
I mean is this not a date?
- I don't plan out every...
- Oh, really? What is all of this?
It's like you're floating out in space.
If you want me to say yes right now, I-I can't do that.
Look at the bright side. At least you got some closure.
'Cause I mean it to be.
- In California?
- I was never going to take it.
Look, I-I might be crazy right now... No, you know what?
She's gonna teach me how to do a rain dance.
- We're finding Penelope!
- No, we are not!
How is that a relationship?
You know, the traditional rain dance is a sacred prayer to nature.
- Kind of like Barney?
- Kind of.
I will throw you off this roof.
with a string quartet and roses and chocolates...
But I guess I'm just a hopeless romantic.
Come on, Lily. It's what you've always wanted.
Oh, maybe when you said you wouldn't let me do it.
Oh, lobster, lobster, lobster, you are delicious!
with popcorn shrimp mountains and butter sauce rivers!
Hey, Penelope, have you, uh, have you ever actually seen a rain dance performed?
Terrific. Uh, look, I should run.
Couple of days ago, the biggest problem in my life was,
It's just something I'm going through.
Because you're scaring the hell out of me, that's why not.
Look, I highly doubt the Great Spirit is a stickler for choreography.
I told her that the first night we went out,
Aired 13 years ago - May 08, 2006
When a matchmaking company calls Ted claiming they have found his soul mate, he is forced to postpone his date when Lily asks for his help.
- It's not like I have a list.
- Oh, yes, you do.
Any Kim from any cool band, really.
And little did I know, at that very moment, fate--
and he hated every minute of it.
Check out that guy.
Oh! Sweet Lord.
That is sick!
I recruited you to be my executive mischief consultant.
Mr. Mosby, how you doing, sir? Bob Rorschach over here at Love Solutions.
I don't understand. What happened to Ellen Pierce? Doesn't she run this place?
You found me a match?
So I read the file. And by God, this woman was perfect.
Then I got this e-mail from Butterfield.
But Executive Mischief Consultant Marshall Eriksen reporting for duty.
Can't you just call Marshall?
No, drifter, no!
I swear on Luke and Leia.
He wouldn't have understood. He's not exactly nervous about tying the knot.
And then I started thinking about Victoria and how she followed her dream to Germany,
But I love painting, and I've always wondered if I'm any good.
Of course I want to get married.
But you chose one in a city 3,000 miles away, and you didn't tell Marshall.
I'm supposed to go home and-and be with Marshall.
Marriage is big. You're allowed to freak out.
Okay, yes, it's a mistake. I know it's a mistake.
because then you go your whole life not really knowing if something is a mistake or not.
Ted, I'm getting married in two months, and I'm freaking out,
Hey, Lily, this is Ted, the guy you left stranded by the side of the road.
Is that Ted?
No, no, no. Just... forget it. Ha, ha! A little prank.
Hey, check out this one. It actually looks like Butterfield.
Nope. Sworn to secrecy.
I thought it might look cool. Of course my colorist took "highlights" to mean,
Big date tonight.
More like "Love in the Time of Don't Bothera."
Let's see what else... Oh, she doesn't look like a tiger-- check.
You know, Ted, not everyone is as much of a woman as you.
I hope she's everything you're looking for.
Aired 13 years ago - May 01, 2006
Lily, Barney and Robin attend a high school prom to scout out a potential band for Lily and Marshall's wedding reception. In order to get in Lily and Robin pretend to be the dates of two kids who were going alone. Ted and Marshall are back at the apartment where they are preparing the invitations to be sent out.
Band! We forgot a band!
I saw them two months ago at my cousin Bonzo's wedding, they were great.
Baby, The 88 don't audition.
Guys! I just tasted an amazing caterer.
Yeah, we'll just call the high school, they'll let us stand in the back and watch.
It's nine weeks till the wedding.
We always had field hockey nationals in the spring.
and you've got "statutory" written all over your body.
'Cause, you know, you be a bad, bad man, and I be an outlaw.
They all dress like strippers.
The dress I wore to my actual prom.
Aw, you look great, too, Scooter.
Scooter, you're gonna be an umpire someday.
Two beautiful flowers for two beautiful flowers.
Come on! You've been doing wedding stuff nonstop. Take a break.
All right, what kind of prize are we talking?
Whee-hoo! Happy prom, everybody.
I'm sorry, ma'am. You either need to be a student or the date of a student.
Hey, guys. Do you want to take two hot girls to prom?
Oh, hey, wait. How's Barney getting in?
That tastes like cough syrup.
I was wondering if you guys could play "Good Feeling" by the Violent Femmes.
Look, I'm kinda wasted right now, so I didn't understand any of that.
Hey, it's Robin. Um, Lily needs you to download the sheet music
Uh, I don't know. Things have been so weird between us.
There's just so much to do for this wedding. My head is swirling.
We move into my dad's house in Staten Island.
There's still so much I want to do.
I can change. I can look more like Kurt Cobain.
Uh, leave this place in my dust, four awesome years at college,
before your time wondering "Whatever happened to my hopes and my dreams?"
you're a nice guy, but I just don't...
- Wait here, I should go talk to the band.
- All right.
I finally got a girl and I'm not going to let you take her away from me.
I just keep thinking about the girl I was ten years ago
even if it means being a waitress in crappy cafés for five years, I don't care.
I'm sorry. What was your name again?
Aired 13 years ago - Apr 24, 2006
Robin is nominated to receive an award for a news report and everyone needs a date to take to the show. Barney introduces Ted to Mary as a date that Ted can take to the show. Originally Ted is opposed to the idea of just trying to save face in front
of Robin but when she shows up with a date he changes his mind. Robin asks Mary lots of questions, and Ted begins to really like Mary, despite her occupation.
- Ted, you are in a slump.
- No, it's not a slump.
A naked dudes hanging brain.
You want to judge a fellow human being based solely on one external characteristic?
So should I wear my hair up or down?
and now the kids are just going crazy by the end of the day.
Do you think, um... hypothetically... it would be weird if I bring a date?
No, it's not going to be weird at all.
Look, in spite of whatever happened between us, Robin and I are still friends.
Nice to meet you Ted.
Dude, your narrow-minded views on professional fornicators were harshing my mellow.
you'll come to see that courtesans are people, too.
Look, I'm just trying to expand your horizons a little bit tonight.
I'm not trying to make Robin jealous, Barney.
It's Sandy Rivers.
Here we have, on the front page, a story about a...
Yosemite Sandy, definitely.
- You look nice.
- Oh, um, Ted, this is Sandy.
Uh, Robin, Sandy... Rivers...
king of the Saturday Afternoon Kung Fu Movie,
Man, Vampire Lou just looks great.
No, not really.
Oh, yeah, I'm just tired. And when I get tired, I get cranky.
Work at a private school. You won't have to deal with the school board,
I just assist with day-to-day clerical work in a law firm downtown.
Yes, it's encouraged.
Don't let him out of your sight for a minute.
where I make an actual contribution to the world.
this girl, despite what she did for a living, was kind of great.
So you're going to be mad at me forever? What, we're not even friends now?
You know something? Mary the paralegal is awesome.
Yeah? Maybe it's too bad we don't have a room.
Sleep with a prostitute?
And second of all, you cannot do this.
Mike Murphy for 13, Pregnant and Addicted.
And that's it. Those are all my friends.
Yeah, this party's dead. Mary, you want to go upstairs?
Besides, I'm trying to make Robin jealous.
So you and he aren't...?
and we tell each other everything. So, here it goes.
and then Barney calls her up and then she shows up at the bar
Oh, my God, I used her lipstick! Ah!
Vampire Lou, would you do the honors?
Aired 13 years ago - Apr 10, 2006
Robin, who is very lonely, asks Ted to come over to her apartment after 2 A.M., but he isn't sure if he wants to go as he has a phone call on the way over with his friends, and with Victoria on his mind
Anyway, now he has this girlfriend in Germany
And even if you're not, don't worry, I'll have a good time either way.
Home number. Call me anytime.
and I was going to make some juice, and I was, like,
because the decisions you make after 2:00 a.m. are the wrong decisions.
This is fine. This is totally fine.
See, she was supposed to call me four hours ago to have a serious talk.
Okay, relax, Robin's just a friend.
so actually, you put it in your own head.
Um, I'm... Yeah, this is stupid. It's not even a big deal, but
Do you remember the huge secret that you told me
Well, I'm better friends with Ted than you are.
Damn it, Victoria, where are you? Pick up, pick up!
Ted, what does your mom always say?
but she's very vulnerable right now and you have a girlfriend.
Uh, you're right. I'll, uh, I'll see you at home.
"And then she's gonna make you some delicious juice."
Make it a big glass.
Do you ever have one of those days?
When the clock strikes 2:00, just go to sleep.
Oh, Ted, I'm so sorry. That's just terrible. I feel awful.
He rocks... infinity.
When I look back at the best stories of my life--
We're going home.
but I think the whole time a little part of me wanted this phone instead.
I'm at Robin's.
Victoria's great, but, it's Robin.
But if you do this right now, your entire future with her will be built on a crime.
- I'm sorry. I...
- Oh. Oh, no. I understand.
I mean, there's five dogs in there, but...
Not from the bathroom of the girl that you're about to sleep with.
How many women can say they've been personally serenaded by Korean Elvis?
Okay, if we're at the "le," then I say we follow it up with a "t's go home."
Aired 13 years ago - Mar 20, 2006
Marshall interns at the corporation where Barney works and Lily finds that he is becoming a shallow jerk as he tries to fit in with his crude fratty coworkers. Meanwhile, Ted feels guilty when he receives several gifts from Victoria (Erika Singh) while he hasn't sent her anything.
Sorry to bother you, but we've had reports of a sasquatch loose in the building.
Look at you.
Hey, so, now that I'm working here, are you finally going to tell me exactly what your job is?
Oh, my gosh, Jessica Simpson? What a surprise.
Okay, fiancee's dead. Hit by a bus. What do you do? Go.
Anyway, I got the care package, and it's just great.
Oh, and, um... don't worry, yours is in the mail.
So that's the problem. You work on that. I'm gonna eat this cupcake.
Okay, fine, I have feelings for him.
The guys I work with are a bunch of jerks.
Oh... Does she cut the crusts off your sandwich, too?
P.S. If you've unfolded this note, your kiss already got out. Quick-- catch it."
We're not even working together, Barney. I'm in the legal department and you're...
Marshall. Lily's a catch.
when she's supporting you on a kindergarten teacher's salary
But will you be happy knowing you could have made her a lot happier.
Eventually you just run out of stuff to say.
And you know why? Because you're different.
Not necessarily. Okay, at first, I was appalled,
and it's cool and I'm doing it.
Yeah, but it's one thing to say it, it's another thing to show it.
Marshall, I should feel tremors of psychitude rock my body like a seizure.
- Ow! That hurt!
- So badly.
You sure? You want to practice your story one more time?
So we find this choice nudie nest near the airport...
...that was steak sauce!
So she's going to dump me.
Ted, you're a great guy. I know it, you know it, she knows it.
...what do you think?
No, when Dr. Australia Birdbath-Vaseline came home from the gorillas,
Okay, those guys were mean at first, yes,
But wait, knock-knock, back door, who's there?
Nah. I'm so over karaoke.
"Don't Go Breaking My Heart." Elton John, Kiki Dee.
On Monday, Bilson and I are going to talk to Montague in HR.
Aw, we're gonna own the office.
I just thought that maybe I could make some money for a few years.
You've got a great package, Marshall. I love your package.
but you've got a huge package.
No, what's the point of going out? I got a girlfriend... for now.
Aired 13 years ago - Mar 06, 2006
Things are going great with Ted and Victoria's relationship, but when Victoria is offered her dream job, the couple have to make serious relationship decisions. Meanwhile Marshall and Lily set out to purchase their wedding outfits and find out that none can afford what they bought.
I figured I didn't have much of a chance, 'cause they don't let many Americans in, but...
Mm-hmm. And if you do, what does that mean for us?
Do you have any thoughts?
It's like shopping in a marshmallow.
A tailor in the back room of a pet store?
I don't want to lose Victoria, but I can't ask her to stay just for me.
I'm juggling four right now.
Well, she kept talking about this cheesy French guy, Gabriel.
I got the crazy eyes going, and I said,
To be even more honest, I am.
Well, I don't know if she is. It's still so early, but yeah, she could be.
Look, she can't be a cat person. I'm a dog person, I'm attracted to other dog people.
She's a cat person.
We get sued a lot.
It's just too much pressure on a new relationship.
Everything here is dark and sketchy and seems illegal.
I saw a couple up front that were nice.
Damn you Old Navy and your reasonably-priced three-packs!
Ugh. All talking and no sex. Kill me now.
This is Ted.
In college, I did an art course in Paris.
and I never figured out why.
Maybe he was in a pet store.
Oh, God, you guys are sucky liars.
Look... I know you're not Victoria's biggest fan,
I know what you mean.
Choosing Ted over your career doesn't make you un-feminist.
Okay, I am.
Oh, don't tell me how much it costs.
Well, it's okay.
Yes, you're right.
I wanted to give you... this.
but when you just told me to stay, it made me realize that I have to go.
Well, that's just crazy.
Yeah, she... she's still in town.
No, the leg is a metaphor.
Yeah, we'll walk across the Brooklyn Bridge.
and all of those nice things.
Aired 14 years ago - Feb 06, 2006
A mysterious tape arrives for Barney from one of his numerous ex-girlfriends, and the entire gang watches it. But, in order for them all to find out how she broke Barney's heart and made him into a suit-wearing bachelor, everyone must share their most embarrassing moment.
Hey, she's the one who rolled a three.
and I wound up kissing this guy at a party one night,
You said what, you got to drink!
Really? Well, 'cause she gave me a videotape to give...
for the player to your left, which...
If only I'd given you a fake tape and hidden the real tape in my purse.
- Fine, fine.
Don't tell me you've forgotten.
But seriously, what was up with the tape?
The kids still call him Funny Butt.
My girlfriend... Shannon.
And I love you, Shannon.
Dude, that your g-friend?
You can read about it in my zine.
Five weeks later, we were all set to leave for the Peace Corps.
You know what? This was a mistake.
Fine. I'll go next.
a squeeze-bottle of marshmallow ice cream topping,
- Oh my God!
- Wow, wow!
Oh, I'm sorry. My dad won't let me go.
I know we can make it.
She was in the middle of a heated argument with her dad.
Thank you so much for the delicious cookies.
I wish we had a dog, so they wouldn't go to waste.
The whole time?
I was hoping you'd just leave, and we could avoid all this.
But I love you.
I didn't see her until a week later.
and there was this barefoot dude with weirdly sharp toenails...
but a while back, I was kind of into Robin.
We all ended up at the bar with our cab driver Ranjit.
Well, I'll tell you what, I'm gonna go kiss her right... now.
I thought you were vomit-free since '93.
Yeah. It kind of is.
Marshall, not only is it this year, it's tonight.
Aired 13 years ago - Feb 27, 2006
After agreeing to take things slowly and not have sex for a month, Ted and Victoria decide that they have waited long enough.
But Ted's too busy being in a lesbian relationship.
The 18th can't get here fast enough.
75th and Amsterdam.
Yeah, for 89 bucks a night, we're doing it.
They don't know that.
Emilio? The woman will have...
My father was a cigar fanatic, it was the only way to get his attention.
That is, like, high-school-literary-magazine bad.
Maybe we should just go out there.
So. What do you and Ted usually do after the cigar bar?
If you're up for it.
I don't know, we used to be even more nauseatingly into each other than Ted and Victoria.
Well, it's not fair to compare us to Ted and Victoria.
Should we take this to the bedroom?
No! Do her! Do her now!
Do we have any cough syrup in here?
Either we all get out of here or no one does.
Damn. Want to go get a soft pretzel?
Okay, well, get ready for my sex-ray vision.
it'll change the entire nature of our relationship.
You always think there'll be more time.
I drank a Big Gulp of Mountain Dew during that Quantum Leap marathon.
The trick is to bend the aircraft carrier so it makes an L.
That's a woman.
Oh, my God. I love your jeans.
Eh, you sometimes like to do a little catch and release.
They can suck on each other's fingers for an hour,
And, um, thanks for sticking around tonight.
What?! I did the opposite! I threw some other girl at you.
You had to do it, sweetie... for Ted.
Aired 14 years ago - Jan 23, 2006
Ted finds a new woman at the wedding. They want to remember the evening so they don't exchange last names or numbers; but Ted takes a big fall when he tries to find out her name.
What are you saying?
No e-mails, no phone numbers, not even names.
Ted, Ted, Ted. Look, I got a bridesmaid.
Oh, what is wrong with you?
Kiss! Kiss! Kiss!
That's just what girls do.
I will use exactly the right amount of tongue.
The moment right before the lips touch. It's like a big drumroll.
So, what, you just... you said good night, came home and...
No, Ted, you don't mess with a honeymoon.
Oh, you have got to be freaking kidding me!
Uh, no. Her name was Victoria. I don't know her last name.
There was no Victoria at the wedding.
I know that she wasn't a ghost.
This better be good-- I am about to enter Nirvana.
Great! Um, I'm gonna need you to call her for me.
Uh, Ted going all castrati over yet another girl is exactly not a good cause.
to Foxy Boxing.
Just one fewer day I get to help people.
So what do you want to do next?
Well, I'm shipping out pretty early, so I won't be able to stay over,
Congrats! That's so cool!
Uh, yeah, I'm fine. Um...
But I don't actually cry in front of people or...
Because you have feelings for Ted.
Look, okay, yes. I cried in the bathroom and that... was weird.
Okay, fine. I have feelings for him.
Or you could tell him that you're into him and then you could both be happy.
she gave me 50 bucks to take a cab to the airport.
Um... I, uh, I have to tell you something.
Ted... I'm sorry I hung up on you earlier.
...have helped me realize that sometimes I can act like a crazy person,
Sounds like you could use it.
Care to chime in with anything?
Ted, suit up.
Aired 14 years ago - Jan 09, 2006
Robin accepts Ted's invite to a friend's wedding, but thanks to Ted, the couple may never make it down the aisle.
Okay. I'm just saying that it's my wedding, too, and I should have a say in it.
but, you know, I was drunk.
You want to be my plus one?
Oh, I'll bring it.
if I go to my wedding and the cake is not Tahitian Vanilla,
Oh, well, yeah, I'm... bringing a date, so I'll be off the market.
You are not bringing a date to my wedding!
If you had checked "plus one," I would have called you to get the name of your guest,
Don't make me hurt you, Ted.
See, for all your big talk about being ready for a relationship, deep down, you're single.
She's about to get married, she's got enough to worry about.
Wait, two things. First of all... I have been laying groundwork all afternoon.
You guys have been friends for a long time.
Claudia called our seven-year-old flower girl a whore.
Honey, this magazine says more and more couples are opting
I did it. I did it-- I'm taking her to the wedding.
so I'm really excited about tomorrow, okay, bye.
Okay, meet me at MacLaren's. I'll see you there.
What say we get these crazy kids back together?
Oh, God, I'm so sorry. That's just, that's...
So... is there anything else you need... sweetie?
Dude, who doesn't?
I'm not a commitment guy; I'm a single guy.
Tell him, Marshall.
that should be the easiest thing in the world, and if it's not like that,
Maybe that's what the problem was.
Claudia... it's all gonna be okay.
Two souls, of equal levels of attractiveness,
and so help me God, if I catch you even so much as breathing the same air as her,
I'm so sorry.
No, no, no, no!
Oh, yeah. I thought about leaving it at home,
Aired 14 years ago - Dec 19, 2005
Ted rents a limo to take the gang out to sample five New Year's Eve parties in a quest to find the perfect celebration.
Well, this kind of sucks.
I can't believe we're leaving a party that had pigs in blankets.
- My word.
- You're, you're friendly.
- So, where are you from, Natalya?
- She... Who knows?
but the pain-to-hotness ratio is pretty steep.
- Ranjit, party number three.
- Party number three. Yeah.
So while you may chose to turn your back on her,
- Hey, Robin.
- Ted, Derek stood me up.
Maybe I should just go home.
- Hi, I'm Robin.
- Mary Beth.
Yeah, we like hot dogs.
Baby, you go with them and I'll meet you at, at...
Look at us.
Riding around in a limo.
Now, kids, Moby was a popular recording artist when I was young.
Uh, you, uh, going somewhere?
- Wow. You're friendly.
- Big fan.
- All right.
- Uh, Ted.
- All the circuits are jammed.
- That's New Year's Eve for you.
This mix is my pride and joy.
So your name is Tony?
Happy New Year, Not Moby.
I see a short bald hipster, my mind goes straight to Moby.
Uh, no, I know Moby and that's Mo...
It's time to... what?
That's right, re-psych.
Barney, Barney, Barney, it's not worth it!
Ted, I don't want you to see me pissed.
everyone around the world.
Round and round it goes.
Ted went to a lot of trouble to make this an awesome New Year's.
"Darling, you give love a bad name, bad name!"
No. Look, I know this night isn't turning out the way I planned, but...
Okay, wow, it's getting weird in here.
Did you forget about our little deal?
Because I did not.
Stop trying to chase down some magical, perfect New Years, Ted.
After party number four, I figured you guys went to party number five.
Aired 14 years ago - Nov 28, 2005
After being forced into knocking back 5 shots, so he will stop thinking, Ted goes on a partying rampage. The next morning he wakes up with a woman in his bed, but he does not know who it is. So he turns to his friends to try and piece the night together and work out who the woman is in his bed.
Ted, I believe you and I met for a reason.
and it's gonna keep on happening until you power down that bucket of neuroses inibriation style.
Maybe you should overdrink.
Let me tell you something about this dream, okay?
This brain is unstoppable.
Okay, uh... What the hell happened last night?
That's funny. I'm funny!
Oh, hi, Ted.
Robin, I don't say this enough, but you're a great woman, and a great reporter.
Take it slow, Robin. Take it slow.
Ding. Class dismissed. Here you go, kid. You call whoever you want.
Exactly. It's like, what's he gonna do next? I don't know, but I want to find out.
# I'm a fool again #
Wait, were you here when I went to the bathroom in the middle of the night?
You guys take care of me.
All right. Game face on. Carl, two more.
You set me on fire.
No. After I hosed you down with the beverage gun, I brought you back here.
Ooh, hold on, I'm gonna make some popcorn.
You called me. Who's this?
Vomit-free since '05 doesn't sound good.
Go home and get some sleep, Ted.
This way, if you pass out in the gutter...
Yeah, this'll go good.
So, why don't you come over to my apartment right now,
You and Robin went down this road before. You got dinged up really bad.
Good luck, buddy.
Wait. This is killing me. We have to find out who that girl is.
I know. It's two years of my life I'm never getting back.
you just gave me your number... and your name is Amy.
What are you doing in the men's room?
Still, I've had a pretty serious week.
Was it invented by a woman named Carrie Okey?
Then I guess you're gonna have to call me.
half of us, anyway-- and we only get one life.
Aired 14 years ago - Nov 21, 2005
Ted and Robin are surprised to run into Barney when they volunteer at a homeless shelter on Thanksgiving. Lily is on the brink of freaking out when she goes to Thanksgiving dinner at her future in-laws house.
Where's my almost daughter-in-law?
With a basketball?
Oh, just the Lord's work.
Barney, we need you out front.
There's a logjam on the stuffing line.
We're volunteers. We're unpaid help.
Okay, well, I'd better get back out there. There's a lot of food to give out.
Lily, now that you're going to be a Mrs. Eriksen,
"Six cups of mayonnaise"?
That can't be right.
so I nailed him in the shin
with my skate and I totally dunked it!
And I hope you like
the taste of skate, dorko!
Yesterday you said the best feeling on Earth was getting your toes sucked.
I was younger than you when I had Marcus.
Now, if Lily was already uneasy
about joining the Eriksen family,
Oh, um, I'm not his girlfriend.
take out the really good stuff,
and put it into this box.
Look who came to say good night.
Well, that's 'cause
those Eriksen boys' boys can swim.
Well, sure, in St. Cloud, but our kids aren't going to be growing up in St. Cloud.
What? It is. And we grew up just fine.
In your car, um,
and then you'll take it...?
But, Marshall, you love New York.
you're actually helping
someone steal from the homeless?
That's my private, personal business!
I was unfairly punished because the wall belonged to the judge's church.
Okay, fine, so a judge is making me do this.
Amanda is stealing portabello
mushrooms from homeless people.
Those are good mushrooms.
As in "check out the chick
buying the knockup test, everybody.
Oh, you know the Eriksens?
I have 40 hours left
on my community service
# Domo arrigato, Mr. Roboto #
Oh, dear. What for?
I embarrassed myself in front of your family,
Okay, I'll tell you, but before I do,
One... pregnancy test.
And we'll find our own way to freak out the people our kids bring home.
Aired 14 years ago - Nov 14, 2005
As Lily becomes more of a permanent fixture in the apartment, Ted feels like he is being edged out of the mix by his engaged roomies. Petrified of being left alone and homeless, Ted tells Marshall that when he and Lily are married, he wants the
apartment. The problem is that Marshall wants to keep the place, too, so they settle it like real "grown-ups" -- launching into a sword fight that leaves one man down for the count.
My apartment is a Chinese restaurant.
What are you talking about?
Someone's going to move out. So who's it going to be?
Marshall's my best friend.
I'm sort of on a date with her.
But this girl...
That is the lamest, most pathetic cop-out in the book.
Hmm, that's real healthy.
Hi, there... sexy.
Aunt Cathy's got an itch that only you can scratch, big boy.
You know... I...
I'm used to it, I don't know.
That's great. You're right.
It's not just the coffeemaker.
Too bad the swords are there.
We kind of love those swords.
Ted, why don't you just talk to him. He's your best friend.
Well, what am I supposed to do?
A lemon law.
Possibly, starting right now.
Well, now it's Ed's.
Are you kidding?
Your English phone booth arrived.
I mean, we all live here, so...
- I want this apartment.
- Well, I want it, too.
All right, Marshall, we're deciding right now who gets this apartment.
- Like you need two rooms.
- We might be starting a family soon.
She's a bro by extension.
I guess so.
In the future, food will most likely be served in gel cap form.
4:56, 4:57, 4:58...
I'm all yours.
- I'm enjoying this.
- I know. This rules!
It was the day we moved in.
No, I swear, that was a real call. I just...
seriously, take the place, it's yours.
I have a feeling that tonight you might end up being Jackie... oh.
Aired 14 years ago - Nov 07, 2005
When a matchmaker with a 100% success rate turns Ted away because he is not compatible with any of the available women in her database, he is still determined that he is going to find his match. After getting information from the matchmaker’s
computer, Ted pays a visit to a very cute but taken dermatologist in an effort to prove the prediction wrong that there are no women out there for him. Meanwhile, Marshall and Lily are obsessed with ridding their apartment of a critter.
You have just taken your very first step.
I really think I'm ready to stop being a me, and start being a we.
when the tears come.
Do you want to do this the easy way or the hard way?
Good career, and you didn't use an obvious alias on your application,
Uh, no thanks.
So if we take into account the most recent census data, that leaves us with 482,000.
And then that leaves us with eight women.
there's the door.
We were just upstairs watching TV.
So did you get a good look at it?
It's a cock-a-mouse.
And it's pissed.
Oh, just play it cool. Don't Ted out about it.
Don't worry. I'm not going to Ted anything up. Or out.
Phew, actually, I got through that okay.
And look, 5.4, 4.8, 5.6.
No, 8.5 is an extremely good match-up quotient.
There are new women turning 18 every day.
Her guilty pleasure song is "Summer Breeze" by Seals and Crofts.
Well, we know that there's no such thing as the cock-a-mouse.
She hates phonies. I totally hate phonies, too.
And if she thinks she can do 11.45% better, who am I to deny her that?
Right, I, uh, I have a kind of mole on my back.
Blowing through the jasmine in my mind
As long as I don't have to spend it with a bunch of phonies.
That's very sweet, but I'm actually getting married on Saturday.
So my 9.6-- beautiful, charming, intelligent, engaged.
Raise your hand if earlier today you hit on an engaged woman.
I'd want that person to come down to my dermatology office and tell me so.
They'll do lab experiments on it. That's so mean.
I'm glad you came down. I would prefer to say this to you in person.
Wait, then you're still getting married?
I had to. You're my only match.
Don't you think it's a little impulsive for you
Do you honestly believe, deep down, that there is no one else out there for you
When you fall in love with someone, an 8.5 equals a perfect ten.
Aired 14 years ago - Oct 24, 2005
Ted makes his yearly pilgrimage to the rooftop Halloween party in search of a girl dressed as a pumpkin who he met years ago. Meanwhile, Robin is dumped after driving her new boyfriend away with her independent ways.
No, no, you don't understand. I need that Kit-Kat--
Never found her number, never saw her again.
Halloween is a night of wonder and magic.
Ted, is your world ready to be rocked, rocked, rocked?
Weirdly hot, right?
Hey, I want the Slutty Pumpkin to recognize me, and she knows me as...
No, no, not again, not this year. You're going as my wingman.
I'm getting us into the Victoria's Secret Halloween Party.
Hmm. Victoria's Secret models prancing around in bras and panties...
Hey, Chad, how's it hanging?
Yes, it's weirdly hot.
Um, where's your costume, Gretel?
I didn't. You followed me up here.
it's my pleasure to welcome back the Shaggarats.
And what be a pirate's favorite fast food restaurant?
- This cheeseburger is so...
- Good. See?
Right. 'Cause I'm wearing a lei.
Hey, where's Front of Horse? That guy's a riot-- where is he?
Oh, Lily, you know me. I'm just not into all that coupley stuff.
Every Halloween I bring a spare costume,
Ooh, Ted, pee off the roof.
This is gonna be a slaughter.
I'm also a "horny" devil.
You know, if you guys like tiramisu, we found this little Italian place...
Easy there, hungry.
Lingerie models on a boat!
By any chance, was that you?
- Yes, it is.
But I'm never gonna go out with you.
You guys, I'm fine.
Aired 14 years ago - Oct 17, 2005
Ted and Barney start checking out the club scene with their friend Robin whereas Lily and Marshall try to participate in some more "grown-up" activities as they draw slowly nearer to their wedding.
Oh, wait, no, that's just my shirt reflected in yours.
Yeah, it's going to be sweet, too.
Grandma, Grandpa, don't wait up.
grind with her all night till she's mine.
You guys thinking house, baby?
I'm three months pregnant.
Then I should probably duck into the V.I.P. room.
We're really starting to click with these guys.
But it's dipping stuff in hot cheese with boring people.
so I'm not sure if this part is actually true,
Oh, yeah, Nora Jones just gets better and better.
I had to get out of there.
Great. Voice mail.
It's not like I care so much about getting into the V.I.P. room,
But I'm Robin Sherbotsky.
What are you doing here? Lily let you go?
Marshall, are you okay?
Marshall just ditched out on our own party.
I'm just a lowly little pea, sitting out here in the gutter.
Or New Year's Eve.
Unless, of course, you're chasing after somebody who's already done it,
I heard that in college you flashed a campus tour group on a dare.
You can go wherever you want.
Right. The DMV it is.
Aired 14 years ago - Oct 10, 2005
Ted's outlook on his continuing search for love is altered when he rediscovers a shirt that has not seen daylight in years. Meanwhile, Barney amuses himself by coaxing Robin into sacrificing her job by saying completely outlandish things on air live for a cash reward.
- Who's Natalie?
I just wasn't looking for a big commitment at the time.
- You wanted to see me, Mr. Adams.
- Yes, I did.
Today, a delicious hot dog will cost you $2.50,
Sure, Metro News One pays you jack,
and so for two more hundie sticks,
I found Natalie's number.
- It's Ted Mosby.
- Go to hell.
No, I didn't dump her right before her birthday.
- Well, did she cry her eyes out?
- I don't know.
I'm just like super-busy right now, so...
Not exactly the point I was trying to make, Marshall.
We're not gonna have sex for at least a month, but you're awesome.
Well, guess what?
suddenly turned tragic when Ethel and Sadie Margolis,
Joel Adams wants to see you in his office.
What do you think that means?
That's when Robin realized that no one, not even her boss, watched Metro News One.
Natalie! Come on!
I just want to say I'm sorry.
Maybe we should just call it a day.
People think I can't keep a secret, but I totally can.
Come on, just a cup of coffee.
Maybe it was the caffeine, but you really brought your game up to a whole new level.
The tea candles... the sock monkeys...
I don't get it, man.
It's the "Stairway to Heaven" of breakup lines.
No, no, we're gonna get you out of this.
Ted, what is the truth?
Why do you want to break up with her?
The chances of one person being another person's "the one" are, like, six billion-to-one.
I just wrapped up a live newscast by honking my own boobs.
So Coach Dave Shula, screw you and your crappy steakhouse.
It's the law of love, chunk.
So tonight, can we just skip the cake?
I can trust again.
Henry, as New York's oldest hansom cab driver, you've seen quite a lot.
And then, in '72, Mickey Mantle rode my cab for the fourth time.
I never thought I'd have my story told.
You know, Metro News One may not be number one in viewership,
So, if you ever come to Alabama,
I'm not the one for you?!
- Okay, so what's the problem?!
- I... I... I can't explain it.
Okay, what's going on is you broke my heart over my answering machine on my birthday,
I'm just, like, so busy right now.
Aired 14 years ago - Oct 03, 2005
Ted agrees to let Barney spice up his love life and ends up on a crazy adventure of flying to Philadelphia, encountering the law and visiting the Liberty Bell.
or you can listen to me give you a really long speech convincing you
who was new to New York and looking for a friend.
Unless it's the end of the night and then you get on anything.
- Where you headed?
And don't you dare get on that subsequent escalator!
On Friday night.
Plane to... ready? Philadelphia.
Whoa, whoa, the seat belt sign's on.
Oh, I love Park Slope. When did you move to Manhattan?
I have this line that I use when guys come...
Isn't that great?
They're both linebackers for the Eagles.
I'm just talking to guy's backs while they hit on Robin.
Oh, it's totally the ring. If you took that ring off your finger,
No. Seriously, you girls have a good time tonight.
G-G-Goin' to Philly!
Look, airport bar. Flight attendants.
Okay. Yeah, I'm calm. I'm totally calm.
Nobody's that lame.
What are you doing?
You had to play the race card.
No, Marshall, we're going back.
I took my ring off. It's very, very sweet of you to come over and talk to me, but I just...
So Barney and I hit the town. Philadelphia, PA.
You guys, keep the volume down.
Dana works security at the Liberty Bell.
I have never licked it.
Barney, I'm going to the airport. Sasha, thank you,
Just fending off the advances of that totally hot guy.
I guess I just wanted to throw this net back into the ocean
Hey, do you want to go get coffee and have an actual conversation?
That's my fiancée's hot backside that you're dabbing.
Aired 14 years ago - Sep 26, 2005
In a desperate attempt for a second date, Ted invites Robin to a party he is throwing. However, she doesn't show up and he keeps throwing parties in the hopes she will finally arrive.
We're having a party next Friday?
I just got to bump into her somewhere.
Kind of don't want to wear my shirt anymore.
Oh, you know, just, uh, shopping for, uh, dip.
Couldn't play the game like everyone else.
Sorry, I guess I've been saying next Friday all week.
Not eagerly waiting by the door.
And then, I say,
"Want to see the roof?"
We're the same height.
Hey, she's going to show up!
No, I got stuck at work.
Yeah, uh... it's a two-day party, 'cause that's just how we roll.
- I'll buy more dip!
- Ted! Ted, wait!
I'm the luckiest girl alive.
and sent her walking. She will never find her way back, and there she is.
Yeah. I was trying to think, what's the quickest way to get rid of a girl you just met?
She didn't show up.
I will not have sex with Marshall.
I totally wanted to come. I got stuck at work again. I feel like I live there.
Yeah. Uh, last night, people were like, "Keep it going, bro. Party trifecta."
Well, this is lame.
Has anybody seen An Introduction to Contract Tort and Restitution Statutes from 1865-1923?
for some girl that you just met who's probably not even going to show up!
and now we can just laugh about it...
Okay, buddy. Time for the tough talk.
You're not crazy.
Just like you can't turn off the way you feel.
But, on the other hand... you, me,
No, it's not.
We start hanging out, every time I see you it'll be like, "Oh, that's right. I'm a jackass."
Aired 14 years ago - Sep 19, 2005
It's the year 2030 and an older Ted Mosby is telling the story to his son and daughter about how he met and will eventually marry their mother. This is where we meet for the first time Ted, Lily, Marshall, Barney and Robin.
and a five year-old boy got to second base with me.
So, there's more surprises ?
Like what ?
Well, maybe eventually...
- Actually, I think it's cute.
- Well, you're clearly drunk.
No. You are too old to be scared to open a bottle of champagne.
Will you marry me ?
but if I was, it's, like, "Okay, I'm ready. Where is she ?"
It was like something from an old movie,
I need a plan.
- Take us to the hospital.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
So, these, uh, spankings...
I'm hoping to get some bigger stories soon.
you could throw a drink in my face. I don't mind.
Hey ! What's takin' so long ?
But this was no ordinary girl.
Marshall, how have I always described my perfect woman ?
Do you want these ?
I hate olives.
I gotta get one of those blue French horns for over my fireplace.
So you chickened out like a little bitch.
I can't believe you're still not wearing a suit.
Did Marshall give me the signal ?
Mark my words... you will never see that one again.
I'm gonna go kiss her.
Okay, not a perfect metaphor,
Enjoy your coffee.
Moment of truth.
When you're the best man at our wedding and you give a speech,
Not good. Not good.
Actually, I'm from Bangladesh.
I was just hoping to...
Well, I was 18, okay ?
I was a virgin.
doesn't scare me at all.
Yo-ho-ho and a bottle of rum ?
Hey, there was a girl in college, she had this golden retriever...
Good night... psycho.