Aired 17 years ago - May 20, 2007
Roger becomes a bounty hunter, and he and Stan race cross-country to turn in Jeff, who is wanted for smuggling pot into Florida.
Ridiculous!
Wait right here.
This is perfect.
Which means... it's time for another
Roger fashion montage!
Wow, I can't believe you're
taking me to a baseball game.
I got involved in a little trouble and,
Listen, I'll overlook the fact
that you didn't compliment my outfit
You want to know why?
Great. Well, Roger,
I guess it's just you and me.
He got two left.
Ooh, there's lots of places
to hide on a farm--
But, first I'm gonna need
something from you.
so I can write a poem about it
for my prison poetry slam.
My mother's maiden name?
Nothing. If you had just
waited for me to finish,
Did somebody say... hotwire?
That is so great.
'Course I'm not surprised.
Hello, Sheriff Perkins?
Henry Fischer.
But if that were true,
that would mean my son
No? They got that, too?
And my bounty.
I got arthritis.
I can't even tie my damn boots.
Hell, no. I just want
to collect that bounty.
You let your own son take the fall?
I'll try and hold it but...
I've got an idea. I saw this in
a movie once. Hop with me.
No problem, I'll just, uh...
It's killing my eyes.
Sorry. That's how I wake up.
Wait, it's a cheetah.
Do you live here?
- We can turn in Jeff.
- I thought Jeff was innocent.
No, ma'am. Let the boy talk.
Lead us to the keys, boy.
Gink gink ga gadink dink ga
That's just it, Roger, I-I kind of...
Jeff's never had anyone
looking out for him.
You'll get a lot of that.
People are afraid of the gift.
Well, good-bye.
Aired 17 years ago - May 13, 2007
After Stan is prosecuted for sending contaminated cattle to a slaughterhouse, he says that it began as a quest to make a man out of Steve. Meanwhile, Roger sparks a cat fight between Francine and Hayley, for reasons of his own.
Hayley, you gotta help, you just gotta.
What in the name of Red Grange
is going on out here?
The sun's rays will bake you
to a leathern Willie Nelson crust.
A man is tough.
With these big, strong hands?
Something worked.
Oh, oh, not you, Francine.
God, no.
Never mind, I can reach it.
So if any of you boys want
to cry or wet yourselves,
Well, good luck, Steve.
Tubs, your folks seemed not
to care much either way.
Made you this.
Look, he says I'm the prettiest
girl in the house.
Oh, I'm sorry. Maybe you'd rather go
inside and bake a soufflé.
Can't expect a rancher to ranch
on an empty stomach.
I live in the house.
Did you know they have
a new dipping sauce?
Get rocked on Goldschlager
like grown-ups.
Boys?
And a yard full of cows
isn't gonna change that.
We'll just take these cows across town
and drop them off at the slaughterhouse.
Tough riding.
Hello, ma'am,
But no!
Oh, yeah? There's something
wrong with your dad, too.
have you ever seen
anything more beautiful?
But they're gonna be men
when the cattle drive ends
Prairie dog and jackrabbits
stop and say hello
Great job, Stan.
We gotta stop him!
Why did it have to be moths?
We're gonna bring
these cattle to slaughter!
Technical knock out.
Francine, doesn't she look terrific?
Well, you know what I see?
I can't condone this.
Mm-hmm.
Aired 17 years ago - May 06, 2007
When Stan brings home CIA equipment designed to eavesdrop on conversations, he finds out that his neighbors don't think too highly of him. In retaliation, Stan has the entire neighborhood evicted so that he can live free of any criticism. However, when an unexpected friend comes to his rescue, he realizes that gossip is a two-way street.
I tripped on your walkway
and I need compensation.
Back me up and I'll buy it for you.
then I had him deported.
Is that right?
I feel I am beloved.
But that's the surprise.
No...
I know, Johnny, but please,
mommy's almost there.
and my ability to asses their worth.
you get paid to look honest.
I put out lobster,
Ooh, shrimp! And caviar!
How interesting I find that.
the medium blue herring,
I am the hit of the neighborhood.
Like he'd never eaten
a lavender herring.
Age 11:
"The path to true friendship
is paved with selfless generosity."
Hey, hey, hey, everybody!
It's your favorite neighbor!
That's how you know
you got pocket rocks.
Unhand that child,
Hey, where are you guys going?
Charlie, listen to me.
Charlie, Charlie!
You will each receive a coupon good for
five nights stay at the Cornfield Motel.
Ordinarily, that would have
racist implications,
Dad, you can't just uproot
people from their homes.
We're your family.
so you can drink kerosene
and puke on yourself.
If we can pull this off,
we'll each make 50 grand.
Plugging my new self-released CD.
Real soul-searching. Heavy stuff.
And these are walls.
Oh, look! Another serious buyer.
Which is why I'm prepared
to offer you $99,000.
You were criticizing me!
Oh, good! Criticize me more.
That worked well the first time.
But if I hear that you die before me,
and your complimentary fire
extinguisher that shoots tequila.
Aired 17 years ago - Apr 29, 2007
After Stan discovers that Francine has a secret sex garden, he feels like their marriage may be crumbling. Looking to rekindle their romance, Francine asks for a divorce so that Stan can experience life as a bachelor again, and both learn a valuable
lesson in love. Meanwhile, addicted to an energy drink, Steve finds himself panhandling in the streets to support his new habit.
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And I'm thinking,
"He's king? He's king?
Yup. I put up a Web site,
cold-called some schools.
You did this in the time it took me
to walk Francine to the car?
Oh, my God! This is perfect!
I just finished my midterms!
Hey, have a little hot dog with your ketchup.
In World War II
they were called the O.S.S. Let's go!
Can I feel your muscle? Oh, can I pretend
I'm a monkey and hang off your arm?
Yeah!
Welcome to the Tunnel of Booze.
Yeah. Had it in my storage space
from when I lived in Phoenix.
Hey, fatso! Get your dong out
of the margarita machine!
You're interesting,
you're funny, and you're pretty.
You're awesome.
Don't be silly. I've been gone a day.
Oh, you!
You're gonna get a lot more than that!
I have to go take a diarrhea!
- Doesn't he mean Carmen Electra?
- No! No, he doesn't!
- Come on. Let's do this.
- Unhand me, inebriated temptress!
♪ Let's get it started in here ♪
Crazy night last night, huh?
You're a sweet kid. Here!
♪ Put your arms around me, baby ♪
♪ Spread your love and fly
You and me for life ♪
Pretty, like a stripper's face.
- Jessica?
- Yeah. My spring break buddy.
You're a grown man
acting like a drunk frat boy!
Everybody needs to go home!
Phew! Do not go on the beach
volleyball court.
- Oh, my God! I'm so excited!
- Can I get flan?
My medical records.
I'm free of all diseases.
what with all
the wang-shriveling sex diseases...
- They cut her breast off.
- Mah-Mah, Stan left me.
You know how many times Bah-Bah
tell the pull-my-finger joke?
because it make him feel good.
And causing us to determine that
the behavior's based on a conditioned resp-
Stan, you shouldn't have come here.
I don't even remember taking this, okay?
I want your virginity, Steve!
I don't know why.
Sorry, Carmen. I can't.
I came to find you.
I want to be the one to make you
feel that way... always.
Aired 17 years ago - Apr 01, 2007
Stan sets Bullock up on a date with one of Francine's friends. Fearing that Francine will be right about the outcome of the date, Stan goes to great lengths to make sure it goes well by getting everyone drunk. Unfortunately, Bullock accidentally
kills the woman, to which Stan frames Francine for the murder in order to keep her from asking so many questions.
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And I stepped on a eye.
Wait. So a company will give you a million
dollars just for being sexually harassed?
and I just joined your workforce.
If I had died in that crash today,
who would remember me?
It's just a myth,
like unicorns or speed-reading.
♪We fought the Commies
inside Nicaragua ♪
♪ But then a hero came forth
His name was Oliver North ♪
Genius!
♪ North volunteered
to take the blame ♪
♪ Ollie North
Ollie North ♪
Wow. I just learned while I was being entertained.
Pretty cool, huh?
You see, I bought his house in '87...
- It sure is, Hayley.
- So your legacy is getting rich?
Very well.
Then I'll dig alone.
I realized- it's not in the yard.
I can't believe-
You- I- I-
- What's goin' on?
- Hayley Dream-smasher Smith...
Aw, yeah.
Just me and my shorty, Bernice.
I see beautiful things.
Gold, silver, huge red socks fit for a giant.
Want to show me the ropes
and perhaps misinterpret my friendliness?
That is it! Stan!
I'm following the clues
Ollie left. Look.
And instead of helping me, all you're
doing is trying to make me give it up.
Face it. No one
would sexually harass you.
My kids are out of control.
All because of Stan and his crazy legacy.
What's the matter, Terry?
Why are you crying?
Oh, my God.
He's gone totally insane.
We are a lock for an Oscar if there isn't a
documentary about penguins or genocide this year.
And I don't need a family
who never believed in me.
Brief, dignified, unclear.
Luke sexually harassed me.
It was horrible.
did you sexually harass
Miss Vanderbooben?
I'm still reeling. Let's talk settlement.
I'm thinking a million dollars.
- I never loan friends money.
- Oh. Okay.
I am Stan Smith, discoverer
of Ollie North's gold.
Aired 17 years ago - Mar 25, 2007
Stan arrives late to a CIA nuclear drill and thinks it's real. He decides to move the family into the mountains to survive the apocalypse. Even though he realizes his error, he begins to enjoy the attention that he gets from the family so much that
he doesn't tell them the truth. However, when the family meets a mountain man and learns the truth, Stan has some explaining to do.
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No one can take
any more pictures of you.
Hayley, I did my part to save water.
I'm just not comfortable
having their kind in my house.
- Oh, my God!
- That was terrible.
The point is, we got him.
And since he somehow managed
to get closer to the alien than anyone...
I'm gonna call you Mortimer.
Now, run and fix me a coffee.
My sister Samantha
was abducted by aliens when I was 12.
I have to show up,
or it'll look suspicious.
I'll be in your car
wishing you had a better car.
You have to take this seriously.
Both of our asses are...
What's your game, spaceman?
The C.I.A. Will pay for anything
you need to track the alien.
Great! Book a flight.
And I brought over
some friends from school.
Wait. I thought you hated black people.
- Uh, sure.
- She said okay!
Second prize, a shot to the chops.
Roger, it's time for you to get your
ass home and quit like we talked about.
The kid who brought me
my towel said " cabanya"...
Those Montego bitches are crazy.
You saw me reach for it, and you just
stood there. Why'd you just stand there?
Apparently, he thought hanging
with penguins would be a blast.
Coffee stirrer.
Hot cup. Cup, cup, cup.
One minute, he's in front of you.
The next, poof!
I'm always kicking
or jumping or flapping.
We just wanna ask you,
why does Mom hate left-handed people?
No! Evil-
writing with your left hand!
Of course!
Mom's left-handed hatred was learned...
As soon as Agent Peters
shows up, we can start.
- Mmm.
- Great. Thanks. My turn.
I acquired this sample
before the bastard got away.
that means the alien
is in the building.
I followed him and caught him red-handed
trying to destroy this evidence.
So, the alien's inside of Smith.
The whole cast.
The whole damn dirty pirate cast.
especially for a photographer
we just plucked off the street.
and you'll walk out
that door scot-free.
But it's worth it
to finally nail this bastard.
You're right!
Roger, I promise you'll get away.
He'll say anything to save his life.
We'd better cut him up immediately.
Mom, we know why
you hate left-handed people.
- You're a lefty!
- No!
Aired 17 years ago - Feb 18, 2007
While researching a paper about George Washington Carver in celebration of Black History Month, Steve uncovers a conspiracy that's been going on since the Civil War. When the curator of the Smithsonian Peanut Museum reaches out to tell Steve the
truth, he's mysteriously murdered, and Steve and Stan are tracked by a secret society that will stop at nothing to keep this scandalous secret of American history.
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Mr. Holworthy ?
I asked the man and he got them!
Then I give my money to your mother
who spends it on speeding tickets.
You know what today is ?
you simply must.
if we put some glitter on,
it'll look just like a shooting star!
All right, Sergei.
Are you... here?
There's got to be a faster way.
Nine hours ago,
we were in America.
Relax, Smith.
I am no longer KGB agent.
I dreamed of living like
CIA man Stan Smith.
There I learned capitalist system--
But my dream of living
in Langley Falls kept me alive.
I support
your New York Mets baseballs,
Find them al lby next Friday,
You think about the bravery,
the heroism that happend here,
Dad, wait!
It's Saturday.Can't you help me?
a beer I am willing to fight for,
and a job.
Eta roketavi!
Ace!
Are you the spy known
as the Cairo Puppetmaster?
is excatly what Jesus had in mind
when he invented capitalism
With a vision of
an all-white utopia, but still.
You probably tossed it off.
Just an innocent mistake.
My wife who had the strong,
plain features of a turnip,
Those were all lies to fool you!
He's made of my American juices,
baked in his mother'sAmerican oven.
He's under sanctions.
A pie embargo!
when this lean, sleek rocket
defeats your capitalist opponents!
Steve, stop using words
and listen to me.
Okay, okay, that-that sign
says Schaffhausen.
Do I even like girls?
I must like girls.
It is bloated and overstuffed
like this fat child
and lands safely
will be declared winner.
Aired 17 years ago - Feb 11, 2007
When Roger is rejected by Steve, who seems to be over him, Roger heads out in search of a new human companion. But when this new friend starts to abuse Roger and the relationship turns into a lot of excuses and sorry's, Steve and Hayley scheme to
get Roger out of the bad relationship and back home where he belongs. Meanwhile, Stan tours the Mr. Pibb factory and meets the man himself.
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Stan, I think we should giveRoger a chance to help us.
You girls want somesugar water, huh?
of one lonelyand sensitive ginger-haired boy!
What are you thinking, Roger?
What the hell, eBay?
Francine, theproblem here
Hello, I'm Clip-Clop.
Give me your foot.
I'm playing a role, sir.
Someone wantsto come in, Stan.
You can comein, Francine!
Oh, Stan!
It hadn't even provoked me.
Who is it that keeps demandingcolder and colder drinks?
I know where your friendJulie's husband is.
He told Julie everything,
But the spigot's on,
Julie...you're here.
With Stan.
Honey,
can I talk to you?
They'd designate me ablabbermouth, kill me,
Is thata beehive?
Continue.
to fill the roleof her missing husband,
Thanks, Roger.
that instead of coffeeat our house today,
Looks like awoman's baby cannon.
They're creepy, and I don't knowwhat they're for,
Eating. You eat ice.
and take care of anotherblabbermouth, wink-wink.
Stan tells me about thatevery time we make love,
Trust me, Francine, he-he does.
they'll kill Stanfor being a blabbermouth!
You know, sort ofan '80s throwback.
Still haven't found
that blabbermouth,but when I do,
Stan... there's somethingI have to tell you.
Your larvae will sing songsabout what you do here today!
Well, thenwhat are you gonna do?
who's trying to convince herto keep quiet!
Oh, God, I can neverfollow these things.
Aired 17 years ago - Jan 28, 2007
When Stan feels like he's not climbing the ladder fast enough at work, he turns to his lifelong ambition of making festive teddy bears. However, when he realizes that making a quick profit takes a lot of work, he resorts to using illegal aliens as
cheap labor. Meanwhile, Hayley sees her father's new business model as an atrocity and takes matters into her own hands by calling Uncle Sam.
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Yes! Yes!
Don't look at me, because
I won't look at you.
Stan's mom is here after being dumped
for the billionth time
Threatened by the visiting
mother-in-law.
You mind going to my medicine cabinet
and getting some aspirin?
Wash, wash, wash your v-jay
Scrub scrub, scrub your v-jay
I told you it was complicated.
- Is it my fault?
- Stan, look at me.
She tried to find love,
but it never worked out.
Yeah, Francine!
It's the man's mother for God's sake!
then I'll have to retreat
to my safe place between her breasts.
One who won't blow her off
after three dates.
- Hey, Klaus, what's up?
- Yeah, this is Klaus.
Yeah, so I'm just trying
to be responsible.
Oh, you got the lamb here?
I thought it was a little fatty.
And then she opened her own case,
and inside was only a penny.
- What's going on?
- Stan, now,don't be upset,
I hope it does too, Mama.
That's right. I'm gonna call up
Betty's previous suitors
You're insinuating I'm gay
because I'm marrying a boy.
She dates and then...
she kills.
I don't have time
for your craziness.
They went to
Les Pantalons Fancie for dinner.
Oh, I know you didn't
just shush me.
That poor man.
This is all my fault.
After my father left us,
my mother was devastated.
When they took her out,
I took them out.
I might lose my toes to diabetes,
but it was worth it!
Oh, my God,
he'staking her to Greece?!
You can buy it
at any pet store. Look.
Why would I infect you
and not tell yout here's a cure?
You're sick.
I haven't felt the touch
of another human being in six years.
Surface streets or freeway?
Surface streets or freeway?
Aired 17 years ago - Jan 07, 2007
When Stan enters an essay contest to have his personal hero, President Bush, come over for dinner, he is overcome with joy when the President arrives at his doorstep. However, not everyone in the Smith family shares Stan's excitement. Hayley tries
to drill President Bush on the Iraq war, and Steve and Roger attempt to convince him that they've found Osama Bin Laden, but instead get him drunk. Stan tries to save the President from public humiliation, while Hayley revels in his fall from glory.
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I don't know, sir. Was Lady in the Water
a cover for anything?
Seems like an ordinary
fancy gold pen, right?
Yeah. See, if
you were a woman
I'm writing a paper on
the history of cinema,
McConaugheycan't have milk!
The robot McConaughey
went haywire, sir.
I'll weep for you.
Yes. But, more importantly,
where's the real McConaughey,
Hey, handsome.
Another martini for Tearjerker.
- Name your game.
- Okay.
Okay, let's play Highest Number.
- Did you get it?
- Yes, baby.
I'm so fat.
If you ever become a robot,
will you tell me?
Mani, Pedi, Sexpun
- God you're so sweet, I,
- Here.
Tchochkie Schmear's
got a project that's way better.
think I'm falling for you.
Let us make nautical haste!
already do that themselves
and hence are not made into robots.
Tearjerker's very own
cinematic masterpiece.
And by talk,
I really mean listen.
one voice stood out.
No!
Oh, no! Why?! Why?!
I want more dizzy water.
go for inspiration,
People will cry so much,
they'll cry themselves to death.
people will have no choice
but to see Oscar Gold.
I'm away.
Quick, put it on.
Wait, who is that?
What's Halle Berry holding?
Oh, my God!
Um, Tearjerker, something's wrong.
Aired 17 years ago - Dec 17, 2006
When an injunction prevents Langley Falls from lighting their annual Christmas tree, Stan blames secular non-believers for ruining his favorite holiday. With Stan's holiday spirit at an all-time low, the Ghost of Christmas Past visits him and tries
to show him the true meaning of Christmas. However, Stan is convinced that Christmas can be saved by changing the outcome of Vietnam, but finds that changing the past only dramatically changes the future.
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I see the moon,
the moon sees me..
- I'll prove it to you.
- Really? How?
- I'm sad!
- Okay, okay.
How about Dare or Dare?
Now I'll never know how
that ghost left footprints.
to the abandoned ice factory
in Lanceton by 6:00 p.m.
And what a location
for a kidnapping.
Now hurry and tie me up.
He'll be here any minute.
- In the newspaper it says 5:50.
- That's when the movie starts, sir.
He said he's going to
a bachelor party in Napa.
"He's not in Napa,
he's at the ice factory,"
But we hear what you're saying.
Times are tough.
That makes sense.
You set the price too high.
Oh, thank God. I am starving.
I see the moon,
the moon sees me...
Stan, how come you asked
where the change jar was last night?
disappear and we can never
get them back.
Yes
Ooh! Ooh!I'm getting a message!
Quick. Wave.He wants us to wave.
"Next time you kidnap Roger
don't use your cell phone"?
Roger's a selfish,inconsiderate beast.
You want him to stop being a brat,
you have to stop enabling him.
- So, there is no Amanda?
- There is, but she's fat.
Oh, my God, Francine,
what did you do this time?
That's right, because
you're a spoiled brat!
I see the moon,
the moon sees me
And if you want to win back my love
and be part of this family,
Good, you're here.
Beat it, kiss ass.
Now I know how bears feel.
Escape into thetaste... of summer.
Roger! What happened to you?
That is really stupid.
Otherwise it turns to bile
and poisons us.
Aired 17 years ago - Dec 10, 2006
When Roger helps Steve see that his father isn't as smart as he always believed, the power-hungry pair set their sights on fame and fortune in New York City. It doesn't take long for Roger to lose everything on Wall Street, and Steve contemplates
prostitution after Jon Stewart shoots down his comedy routine. Meanwhile, the rest of the family is certain that the two have just run away to the tree house, so when it explodes in a lightning storm, they are devastated, but console themselves with Steve's college fund.
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Stan, we've been
wandering around for hours.
Well, at least I don't think
I know everything about everything.
Ok, Steve. One, two...
I knew it.
Wow, you woodland creatures
take freeze tag very seriously.
That what it would sound like
if I'd fallen much farther.
Perfect amount
of blood filling lungs.
- Vanilla.
- Ooh, we're out vanilla.
You mean Heaven?
That's up there.
In a couple weeks you'll get a letter
telling you whether you'll begoing up...
Courthouse?
Look, I haven't earned
them yet, okay?
When I get home,
the things I'm gonna do.
Oh my God, I'm screwed!
Look at him.
Okay, let's do this.
But we will prove his death
was a just and fitting end
The baby will behere any day now.
Just relax and stay off your feet.
Oh, yeah, it's not ripe yet.
Does anyone here believe
there are billions of other examples?
while I can provide only
one example of his humility.
about Stan Smith!
Wow. You're right, Steve.
I'm humbled by you.
That's what I used to think,
until my son taught me different.
deserves a second chance.
- What?! What's wrong?!
- Oh, God, I had the worst nightmare!
But don't you dare
feel sorry for me.
I know more than you!
What kind a lawyer are you?
He's got a Heaven gun!
Which one's yours?
Wow, who would've thought
Heaven would be so beautiful?
and we got into this argument
about abortion
Why'd you do that?
That's God's house?
They know now,
I'll tell you that much.
Aired 17 years ago - Nov 26, 2006
When Francine discovers Stan's secret, decades-old passion for competitive figure skating, she decides to be supportive and becomes his pairs partner until Stan's competitive nature gets the best of him and he ditches her for a new partner.
Meanwhile, Steve's classmate Snot finds new respect among his peers when he parades his mail-order bride around the playground.
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Oh, man, the things
I'm gonna do to you.
Allow me to impress upon you
You shall curse your mothers
for the day of your birth!
that was once your life,
I'm gonna bring them over
to Greg and Terry's.
Just replace "support" with "condemn"
- We could take turns sleeping.
- You are fantastic under pressure.
Thanks, Francine,
Show your boobs to get
clean drinking water?
and both pregnancies were
a breeze for me.
I'm the onlyone who remembers
where you took off your shoes!
And look,
you got to wear an apron.
I can't believe you still
haven't told him you're pregnant.
Oh, God, oh,what does it want?
Just sitting here,
month after month,
Unless he sent the spider
Hello. Test results?
Ou est la bibliothèque?
Oh, you want some?
RumbleTerry!
Stop dancing
so I can hit you!
I think what's going on
in there is wrong.
bringing on
the downfall of society.
and start thinking about
what's best for the baby.
Then I, too,
will use the bathroom.
Well, you did that
and you can do this.
She's beautiful. Oh, Greg, here.
- The incidentoccurred at...
- He took our baby!
I can't believe your father
would do something like this.
Stan, you bring her back
right now!
You know I'm gonna tell 'em.
Why would you even call me?
The water slide?
The practical joke?
that will forge the saber
of your demise!
She keeps dozing off.
it goes bad.
Come on.
Let's go shoot your dog.
Oh, Al's home.
Kids, go wash up for dinner.
I'm a woman.
Aired 17 years ago - Nov 19, 2006
When Steve's new relationship with his girlfriend gives Francine empty nest syndrome, she tries to convince Stan to have another baby. Meanwhile, Roger tries to enroll in college with Haley in order to experience college life, but while Roger ends
up teaching the class, Haley finds a new crush in her classmate Ethan (Elijah Woods), who turns out to be far from normal.
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Oh, that's where we know him from.
Whose deal is it? Come on!
I'm in a big hole here!
Turned out he was working
for the East Germans.
Oh, now, I'm a gentleman.
I never kill and tell.
- In the body.
- Where inthe body?
Whose deal is it?
You didn't kill anyone today.
Big macho Stan,
he's a killing virgin!
Roger, I've never killed anyone.
That's stupid!
It probably won't even kill me.
I couldn't pull the trigger. I just froze up.
Not exactly.
Liar! Your whole life has been a lie!
Aren't we a fine pair?
The jerk and the guy that made him a jerk!
Everyone, just relax.
So Stan hasn't killed anyone.
I reveal people's darkest secrets
so I can seem momentarily interesting.
It's like Applebee's with a bar.
had a hysterectomy,so even if she does find
that special someone-- ha-ha--
His sport jacket, as you can see,
is made of newspapers.
This is Mark. He created that TV show Quintuplets.
Oh, you'll know.
Yeah? Whatcha gonna do, kill me?
He is elephant-making-love-to-a-cat rough on you.
to tell everyone within a two-mile radius
that I'm a registered sex offender.
Can I come in?
I would very much like to come in.
Well, I... didn't
actually kill anyone.I tried to...
Good. Now, if you start to getnervous, picture them naked.
we need an outsider to deliver the poison
which will return us to our home planet.
So...
Who was I kidding?
I'm just a wimpy non-killer
I am in Danskin, yet you are
the one sho is shamed.
Give it up, Roger.There is no "one".
That person doesn't exist.
That's it, that's, the "one".
You don't even realize it's happening, then...
Randy used to work
at the water park before the Troubles.
What an awesome place.
I need a ticket quickly.
Wow. That bums me out.
Goodbye, sweet virtue.
Look, I'm a sex offender.
I love offensive sex.
If it happens for me,
and I kill someone, great.
Aired 17 years ago - Nov 12, 2006
After Francine tells Stan she's looking for excitement in their marriage, Stan gets in the driver's seat and becomes involved in drag racing to spice things up. Meanwhile, Hayley breaks up with her boyfriend, Jeff, who is emotionally crushed until he joins Steve's world of online gaming. When Hayley finds out, she tries to sabotage their fun.
Mex is a street-wiseday laborer.
Best. Catchphrase.
Ever.
We would have made great detectives.
The Path to Happiness, but yeah, me, too.
working up a sweat.
that took me around the globe,
where I feasted on the sweet, sticky nectar of life.
Huh? What do you think?
I can't.
I was a cop who got shot.
I was that baby.
I'll just mosey on over to the men's room,
and see if I can't find a willing foreigner
You won't let me?
It's my life.
Agent Small Wonder activated.
What are my orders?
Ah, young love.
Dill!
Your daughter is as nimbleas Johnny Yip,
She doesn't really seem happy.
I kinda brainwashed Hayley.
I think you only talk to me
when there's no one else to turn to.
Yes, why don't you do that.
You know, like answering the phone
with dirty limericks, or constantly talking
The ABC story department
would never approve that.
Something wird is going on, Stan.
or rubbed vigorously
with soap and water.
He didn't. I did.
Those weremy orders.
Wait. Why would it haveto happen by...?
Really.
Listen, Stan, I know
your heart's in the right place,
Can you teach me
how to read?
mostly divorce cases
and insurance fraud.
But that... but you...but she...
Do you, Dill, take Hayley
to be your lawfully wedded wife,
I'm getting fed up with this orgasm!
My, how courting has changed.
I can't. It's been over seven days.
The problem is, she's going
to turn on her handler.
Come on, Hayley,cut the cake.
Oh, I would, but, uh, I have
to tip the dove guy. Ow!
So, after she died in Hurricane Katrina,
Something about this angel stinks to high heaven!
My first clue that something was amiss
was when Angel asked me...
Say it now.
Yeah. Except I'm going to kill you.
416 Cherry Street! Go!
Aired 17 years ago - Nov 05, 2006
Stan has his heart set on speaking at the Republican National Convention on behalf of the Langley chapter, but when they pass him up for another candidate, he accepts the only endorsement he gets from the local chapter of Gay Republicans. While the
people around him disapprove of his new lifestyle choice, Stan decides to follow his heart to speak on their behalf.
MORE
-LESS
No, Roger. Why are we in these things?.
See? 'Cause you didn't really go.
There are other sayings, but
they, um, mostly involve genocide.
Well, uh, remember how every year I
cook our annual pre-vacation pancakes?
Then I gingerly carry
your bodies downstairs...
but my idea of a vacation is a
vacation away from you people.
I take a long bath and then, wait
for it...none of you are here.
Excuse me.
I didn't do this. Where's Steve?
Clearly the men in this
house can't be trusted.
Well, I... I'm pregnant!
I quit.
Attach stabilizing rod
B to ankle constraint A.
All I wanted was to have
dinner once in a while
No, we're not. Honey, look.
- No.
- That's right.
Here is the line, and
here's face painting, 'kay?
Steve, you stay here and
cool off with a charley horse.
Family!
Your son is 14 going on me.
Francine, I swear on the lives
of our future grandchildren
Roger's playing Olivia Newton-John
on our cruise ship?!
You know, while I was out
there, I made a promise to God.
I'm sure Roger will
get them to come back.
So who's the real thief here?
Perhaps he could use you.
No! It's just a picture
I took with some grapes.
And you guys can check
out my ass as I walk away.
Okay, here's the deal:
My husband seems to think that you
are going to hunt us down like animals.
Yeah, and that string of clouds
next to it looks like the cord.
and I'll... I'll catch rain water
with one of these plant leaves.
I used my last bit of energy
giving Steve that charley horse.
Actually, there is one thing.
Francine, you've clearly gone insane.
Eddie, what's become of me?
I... I miss my house. I miss my family.
Go... Go start a new life for yourself,
Aired 18 years ago - Sep 24, 2006
Stan loses his confidence, and his job, when a car salesman gets the best of him in a negotiation. Meanwhile, Roger and Steve set up a makeshift drive-in to try to get to first base with popular schoolgirls.
And I'm going to go
see him right now.
Senor Bullock no here.
You are a sad,
angry little person.
You're just jealous because
I'm special and you're not.
giving the guys at McDonald's
new sandwich ideas,
Exactly! They've turned
us into a nation of wimpy...
It says I've been admitted
to Hogwart's School Of Wizardry!
Stan, I am so glad I met you.
Stan? Stan, you okay?
And we're both Godless heathens.
That's just you!
Fine. I don't need science.
If that's nothing but science,
then why is it so damned romantic?
Look at it stretch.
It's so strong and resilient.
- You the new kid?
- Yes, sir!
- Lavate las manos!
- Lavate las manos.
This rotting whale
proves God exists.
Because, if I can't
make you believe in God,
But the only way it can happen
is if you embrace God.
Now he's going
to burn in hell for all eternity.
What the hell is that?
You would be pissed if I forgot
to give you this magic wand.
That's okay, Stan.
I can't stay mad at you.
You know, it's
times like this,
I mean, where will you turn
in this hour of need?
It's not like someone shot an
experimental beam into my head
if they piss me off.
Do they know where
you live?!
Oh, disguised as teachers
from the school.
I got plenty for everybody.
- Wow, I did it.
- What?!
Aired 18 years ago - Sep 17, 2006
Stan realizes his own weight problem after he criticizes Steve about his new, overweight girlfriend, so he goes overboard with exercising, and develops anorexia. Steve realizes that his overweight girlfriend is the root of his father's problems, and he has to make a hard choice in an effort to save his father's life.
Francine! This time they could drive.
Tonight was so embarrassing.
everything.
You should've heard
Francine on the phone.
until you can find a dramatic enough reason
to show up on my doorstep unannounced!
Come on, you can't give me
a ticket. You just can't.
I sentence you to two weeks
of community service...
And in that uniform, all those
things will happen to you.
- What'd you say?
- Nothing.
That's like a soup can telling
Warhol where to buy speed.
Now, pay attention 'cause I'm going
to be throwing you some big concepts.
Mine looks me in the face and more...
Oh, thank you, thank you.
You have to take that off.
I have a meeting to get to.
Oh, touché, Monsieur.
Eew! Gross!
She was married to a somebody and she
was enjoying a taste of the good life.
Thank you.
Oh, my God, I'm a bitch.
Oh, please, sir, if I have to
pay that ticket you're writing,
You meter maids are always
trying to muscle me,
and tell all your friends Belmonpan
is looking for some weed.
Relax, he doesn't know it's you.
Recent rumblings from the art world
suggest the market should decide this one.
somebody... somebody...
somebody... somebody.
And thanks for helping me
hide the salami last night.
Seems like more change
than you usually carry.
And Jacuzzi lessons.
Anonymous and very wealthy.
See, if you were a liar, you might say
you were enjoying your coffee,
people have been driving
around and not parking?
This couch is upholstered in cheetah and
the throw pillows are made from her cubs.
the beautiful marble on this wall came
from Italy, not from marbles.
We have to destroy everything
we bought with that dirty change.
Forgot my sunglasses.
God saw. Everyone in Heaven saw.
Ow, I wasn't ready.
This is how Houdini died.
Aired 18 years ago - Sep 10, 2006
When Stan tries to trick Steve into attending summer camp, things go horribly wrong and Steve ends up in a refugee camp. However, Stan, being the eternal optimist, joins Steve and manages to stage a camp Olympics between the refugees and the rebel faction living across the river.
No, Roger. Why are we in these things?.
See? 'Cause you didn't really go.
There are other sayings, but
they, um, mostly involve genocide.
Well, uh, remember how every year I
cook our annual pre-vacation pancakes?
Then I gingerly carry
your bodies downstairs...
but my idea of a vacation is a
vacation away from you people.
I take a long bath and then, wait
for it...none of you are here.
Excuse me.
I didn't do this. Where's Steve?
Clearly the men in this
house can't be trusted.
Well, I... I'm pregnant!
I quit.
Attach stabilizing rod
B to ankle constraint A.
All I wanted was to have
dinner once in a while
No, we're not. Honey, look.
- No.
- That's right.
Here is the line, and
here's face painting, 'kay?
Steve, you stay here and
cool off with a charley horse.
Family!
Your son is 14 going on me.
Francine, I swear on the lives
of our future grandchildren
Roger's playing Olivia Newton-John
on our cruise ship?!
You know, while I was out
there, I made a promise to God.
I'm sure Roger will
get them to come back.
So who's the real thief here?
Perhaps he could use you.
No! It's just a picture
I took with some grapes.
And you guys can check
out my ass as I walk away.
Okay, here's the deal:
My husband seems to think that you
are going to hunt us down like animals.
Yeah, and that string of clouds
next to it looks like the cord.
and I'll... I'll catch rain water
with one of these plant leaves.
I used my last bit of energy
giving Steve that charley horse.
Actually, there is one thing.
Francine, you've clearly gone insane.
Eddie, what's become of me?
I... I miss my house. I miss my family.
Go... Go start a new life for yourself,