The series focuses on an eccentric motley crew that is the Smith family and their three housemates: Father, husband, and breadwinner Stan Smith; his better half housewife, Francine Smith; their college-aged daughter, Hayley Smith; and their high-school-aged son, Steve Smith. Outside of the Smith family, there are three additional main characters, including Hayley's boyfriend turned husband, Jeff Fischer; the family's man-in-a-goldfish-body pet, Klaus; and most notably the family's zany alien, Roger, who is "full of masquerades, brazenness, and shocking antics."
Aired 14 years ago - Jun 19, 2005
Stan goes to great lengths to compete against his rival, Chuck White, and become the new deacon of their church. Meanwhile, Roger's ""temporary problem,"" which Stan tries to use to his advantage, causes all sorts of problems for Steve, Betsy, the rest of the family, and eventually, Stan.
I can't believe he choked to death.
- You'd have to be an idiot to volunteer.
- I volunteer to be deacon.
Gary... When I'm gone,
I want you to ride my bicycle.
causing me to lactate a viscous milky mucus.
Chuck White offered to host the pot-luck
wake while I was in the bathroom!
- That's incredibly hurtful!
- That's why I wanna shove it in his face!
you lube up the handle real good,
and just sweep me out the door.
You were so much more
than thick ankles and careful police work.
You set me up, Klaus!
Why would you do something so awful?
I have a theory to test.
No. I'm on an ultra-strict diet. I can only eat
what Coach Béla Kàrolyi approves.
- Well, I'm sure the best man will...
Deacon Stan, Jesus Man.
- Yes, yes. We've all seen the diagram.
- Last night, I ate all your potato salad,
We served alien breast milk to our church!
I could do even more.
Betsy White said she's learning CPR.
She could sink this whole election.
I mean, look at her. She's clearly gay.
But what if I told you it contained
a horrible ingredient? An unholy ingredient?
I don't care what this quiz says.
I am a flirt!
You're going through an emotional time.
I've got a stick of gum! Who likes Big Red,
huh? Who likes Big Red, huh? Big...
- Take it easy, Old MacDonald!
- There's barely any milk in these.
In fact, you're the only boy
I ever spent any time with.
By the transitive property, I got some boob.
We can't stop.
The election is tomorrow. Roger's fine.
- I will not use sweatshop workers!
- No, they're sweatshop managers.
OK, the votes have been tallied.
Our next deacon is...
Tell that to my swollen ankles
and tender nipples!
How great is it
that I started Xanax yesterday?
- so that's what I prepared for!
- What am I gonna do?
What a mess! If they find out my son
is pregnant, I'll lose my deaconship,
Now, go be a father to your son,
my strong black brother.
- That's right.
It's not like I wanted to do anything with
my life, like learn to surf or go to Jerusalem.
Oh, OK. Hayley and I'll go say hello to
the donkey running around the cancer ward.
We are - in America. Down here,
we're just Juan and Pedro Gomez,
Wait. You think that's what this is all about?
Beating Chuck White? Am I that awful?
- Did you say "alien baby"?
- No, I said "doctor's corpse found in desert".
Aired 14 years ago - Jun 12, 2005
Francine decides to throw a block party to get in touch with the neighborhood. Stan learns his new neighbors are Iranian and immediately suspects that they are terrorists. To prepare Steve for living near terrorists, Stan makes Steve join a group
of scouts, who turn out to be trouble makers. Roger is convinced he possesses hidden alien powers and is determined to find out what they are.
Well, I can get my feelings hurt
and throw a world-class hissy fit!
Well, I'm so proud of you.
You actually are being fun.
No, I think they're Iranian.
We also have a Cleveland here in America.
It'd be super if you didn't blow it up.
Your mother is in denial,
but we will be prepared.
My son is soft.
I want you to make him Ranger-rific.
There might be some room left in the vast
wasteland between your testicles and anus.
- I'll have a bomb dropped on your location.
- I'd be dead.
- Who's that woman in the tennis dress?
- Karen. Wanna meet her?
No, this is how white people say hello.
...if you can recite the oath
before the flame hits your hand.
- That was awesome!
- That was really cool.
That's enough sangria.
You know, our neighbours are OK.
Dad, what you did was racial profiling. The
Memaris had nothing to do with that gazebo.
Why are you going through my purse?
Let's be friends.
It's times like this I wish I had a wife
so I could turn to her and say:
- No problem.
- Really? I can just quit?
This psycho is putting on South Pacific
and stepping on all my lines.
Guard! Oh, wait a second.
It's a front hook. I see it. I see it.
Sorry you're terrorists!
- Let them out. This isn't funny.
- Linda's making a run for the gate.
- How could you do this to me?
- It's not always about you, Francine.
- Hey, is that my dad's sweatshirt?
- I'm having a fat day. What are you doing?
Starting to get uncomfortable, isn't it?
- Release the Memaris.
- They're human beings. They have rights.
Roger, stopping for that burrito
cost us 20 minutes.
Steve, do you believe in magic?
You don't know if you don't try.
- Oh, no! The power went out.
- Oh, my God! They've struck again!
You can't imprison
the entire neighbourhood! Oh!
then I pull out my gun,
we do our little John Woo stand-off.
All right, you've found me.
Just tell me what I have to do.
Pal, that burrito
did a number on my alien stomach.
Mondays, right? Thanks.
Easy on the tequila.
How many shooters are you gonna do?
A terrorist detainment camp theme party?
Aired 14 years ago - Jun 05, 2005
Stan invites his boss over for dinner, but the Smith family fears getting caught hiding Roger. After a close-call, Roger goes into a coma, making everyone thinking he's dead. After the family disposes of his body, Roger tries to get back home, but he ends up in another risky situation with the CIA.
Dinner, huh? Great idea.
They sure knew how to write
female characters back then.
Bright and summery on the palate,
with an explosive finish.
She wanted to come,
but I do not negotiate with terrorists.
- Is this Agent Duper?
but I think this bathroom is the perfect place
to discuss your promotion.
Good God, Smith! What the?
Don't stress him out.
It messes with his stomachs.
Oh, yeah? Well, I...
Up and at 'em. Time to make
another awful Richard Linklater movie.
- Gattaca II finally got its financing.
- Dad, I think he's dead.
No, I'll have to dispose of the body
so the government can't trace it back to us.
- Not the largest. The one right under that.
- That would be the medium.
Get it off me!
It might cheer you up to help me burn
every shred of evidence that he ever existed.
I'm not a monster.
So basically, you're telling me
I'm stuck here for two more years.
For a pet.
The home? No.
We're going to DC to see the sights.
Actually, they put Agent Duper on chatter.
Don't you have any feelings?
You're a monster! I have no father.
Well, we do go back a ways.
Oh, I've got claws. Look how fat you are.
See? Kitty can scratch.
I swear I'd lose my own head if...
Hey! I don't have a purse!
Don't worry, kids. God is real,
Jesus loves you, et cetera.
Why are you worried about Dad?
It's Mom that we've lost.
What the hell. Six bubbles.
Don't tell your mother.
Hey, look. I'm Kitty Dukakis
in an alternate time line.
than the alien that escaped
from Area 51 four years ago.
Weird stuff. Butt stuff.
- I've been looking for you. Where are you?
- I'm getting by just fine on my own.
But the important thing is,
the CIA is looking for you.
Gun, we've got to track down and kill Roger
before the CIA finds him.
We are, aren't we? Oh, my God.
That's for freein' the slaves,
you Negro-lovin' Yankee devil!
This reminds me of something.
Now bury me in an avalanche of panties.
- Hayley? Roger. Got a sec?
I'm at the Smithsonian. Come get me.
- Oh, thank God you came!
- Roger's alive? It's a miracle!
Aired 14 years ago - May 15, 2005
When Stan forgets his anniversary, he arranges to have 20 hours of Francine's memory erased, but the CIA temp on duty accidentally erases 20 years. Francine, having reverted to her wild child days, moves into her old apartment with Hayley as a
roommate, and ends up going to a festival with Hayley's boyfriend. Meanwhile, Steve asks a good-looking girl out, but needs his wingman, Roger, to "jump on a grenade" for him and date her ugly cousin.
I'm Steve Smith.
Would you like to go out with me?
Jewel, I'd like you
to meet my friends.
That jerk forgot
I'm sure he's just waiting
for the perfect time to surprise me.
- Yeah? What about?
- Oh, I forgot our anniversary.
Your favorite song...
Can't you take a page from that bitch
Hillary Clinton and just let it go?
for top-secret C.I.A. Technology.
I wanna get the taste
of roadie out of my mouth.
Oh, that's great. You gotta
do stand-up. You gotta. You're great.
like they did forJohnny Flyswatter
or Doug Reach-Around.
One look at me and her memories
of our love will come flooding back.
See? Memory can be
- So what do we do?
- Well, when she was 18,
she lived in West Langley...
Come on. You went
to the Winter Ball with that guy.
your new roommate.
It was 20 years ago.
And then, fate scampered
across the road.
- Need a ride?
- Thanks, pops.
Oh, sweet masked bandit of nature...
So that you may know peace.
Stop the car,
I was wrong.
I'll be home by 9:00.
This is great.
Oh, God. Oh, God.
I'm out. I'm out. Ew! Ew!
"Jamaican" me crazy.
I see from her wristband that you were
at a Sandals all-inclusive resort.
Hayley, I thought we were going to-
I had this boyfriend.
He was in an avalanche.
- I don't have a hard time looking at you.
- At me?
Maybe we should lead
- Hayley, where's your mother?
- Last time I saw her she was in the kitchen...
Wait a minute.
Daddy didn't think that through.
Stan, by the way,
I could not hold mein pee-pee.
Oh, so I can crate you and hide you
in that warehouse at the end of Raiders?
Dad, we've been searching all night.
It symbolized her sunshine brightening
my otherwise cloudy world.
l-It's not you.
It's the timing, you know?
Oh, my God!
You're an alien!
Did it ever!
Aired 14 years ago - May 08, 2005
Hayley comes home from a Green Party rally with her hair dyed green, instigating a fight with Stan. While she's sleeping, Stan cuts her hair (for her own good, of course). After learning of what Stan did, a wigged Hayley defies her father yet again
by moving into the van of her new boyfriend. When Stan cuts her off financially, she gets a job as a waitress in a strip club, which pushes Stan right off the edge. Meanwhile, Steve tries to pass Roger off as his disfigured sister in order to cop a feel with a female classmate.
- Jeff's here. Later.
- Who's Jeff?
Man, that dance is gonna be a rager.
Geeks don't get the choice babes until
we're making cash in our mid-to-late 30s.
- Bring back the bra to prove it?
- I'll do you one better.
Jeff, you were so good at dinner.
Great. Now it's officially a sausage-fest.
- Stan, I'm not sure we...
- Francine, wait in the car.
Dude, this is your house. And you're alive.
Her trigger word.
I had her brainwashed at five.
My mom had me right where you're sitting.
and together we'll drive a poem
Francine, you are gonna love this.
- Don't egg her on. She'll never come back.
- She hates it in there.
- I didn't order rude service.
- Roger, why aren't you in the attic?
What is she squatting over?
Hayley, that's not how you make coffee.
I just have to remind her
how great life is at home.
- How long do I have you?
- Two hours.
- Good news, Francine.
- Hayley's back?
One of us pooped.
Hey, did you hear?
Sanders just killed his first dictator.
No. Francine is devastated. If she's this upset
now, what'll she be like when Hayley dies?
- No. I am former communist named Petrov.
Or else you can't use this. We gave you
this card and I can damn well take it back.
Yeah. Poor Frankle.
I just wanted to hug him and never let go.
OK, it's on. You pull this off and I'll convince
my parents to let you sleep in here.
It's your eyes
and the unique shape of your head.
I am beautiful.
What? But I'm paid up for the semester. Dad.
with nothing on it?
- Sweetie, these girls are being empowered.
- Yeah, right.
controlling the channel between nature
and culture. Take it off, bitch.
Dusty, you're on fire,
and that's a double dance for you.
God, what are those called, the little
pink with coconut? They're really good.
The cops always go to the boyfriend with
the van. That's profiling, and that's wrong.
- Hey, she's not going anywhere.
- Yeah? Who's gonna stop me?
What does Tina have to do
that's so important?
You look gorgeous.
Doesn't she look gorgeous?
He wants to lock me in the attic
like I'm some kind of disgusting monster.
- Sorry I ruined your plan.
- Sorry I called you ugly.
Aired 14 years ago - May 01, 2005
Stan Smith is mad because after getting his wife a job (or "hobby") as a Real Estate agent, she makes more money than him. In the meantime, his daughter Hayley ran a program that helped the homeless, and Stan's son Steve had an idea to have a Bum
Fight program. To get back and to try to gain more money than his wife, Stan takes Steve's idea and starts a Bum Fight Night where he takes bets and treats the homeless like wrestlers. But with the homeless petition, Stan has to end up fighting like a homeless man himself.
Aired 14 years ago - Feb 06, 2005
Stan Smith uses his CIA skills to help 13-year-old son Steve win class president and the heart of the hottest girl in class, Lisa Silver. But when being class president makes Steve mad with power, Stan must jump in to save the day. Meanwhile, Roger,
the alien Stan saved from Area 51, helps 18-year-old Hayley with her school paper. In return, she hooks him up with boatloads of junk food to curb his sweet tooth. Unfortunately, some Chocodiles send him over the edge and a sugar crash prohibits him from finishing one of her papers, forcing Hayley to pick up the pieces. And Klaus, the goldfish with the brain of a German guy, pines after mother Francine. Unfortunately for Klaus, the closest he'll ever get to a date with her is the spin cycle with her sports bra.
Don't worry, she won't turn you down. You're
a Smith and a Smith always gets his girl.
I think you got a shot, Steve.
As long as you don't wear that Shazam! shirt.
I'm sorry, Roger, but I'm putting you
on a diet. Starting today, no more junk food.
We signed IKEA to furnish Iraq. The whole
country will look like your first apartment.
and the eraser
is stuck up Bin Laden's pooper.
He thought it was funny.
It is a beautiful day for love, Toshi.
- It's OK, baby. I can handle this.
- Yeah, baby.
Wait a minute. That's it! I just need to get
a dog and women will be all over my jock.
Hey, listen. Big favour. Is there any way
that you could kind of, from now on,
Just to kind of distance yourself
from me a bit more.
- You know the procedure.
- You never search Steve.
- She was out sick.
- That's OK. You'll get her tomorrow.
- Stan, a dog's not such an awful idea.
It's a dog.
Oh, dammit! He's gonna pee.
No, no, no! Nope. Just dust.
You can do anything you want to this body
because you married it.
And don't ask me to bring him back with that
ET finger thing because that's a load of crap.
I was an Olympic skier before the CIA
switched mein brain with ein goldfish.
Steve's dog would still be alive if you
right-wing lunatics agreed to gun control.
You don't need a dog when your dad is
the greatest ladies' man of all time. Come on.
- Hey, my purse!
- Don't worry, young lady.
- Chilling with Jeff? Sounds like fun.
- Yeah, but this is due tomorrow.
That the suffering of man
is both necessary and useful,
She is here of her own free will
because she wants dinner with Steve.
You can't go around abducting people
just because you're CIA.
You're a powerful guy. Women are attracted
to power and Steve doesn't have any.
The key to fixing any election
is to cast doubt on your opponent.
- Jack in the Box man? He's not even human.
Know anything about Henry Kissinger?
- Maybe you and I could...
- Go out? I'd love to.
Oh, hey, Steve. Kudos on the bee-yatch.
Pursuant to Pearl Bailey High
statute 39F, quote:
You're amazing, Steve.
I'm gonna go tell everyone we're going out.
- You're the greatest boyfriend ever.
- I'm just getting started.
Mr Phillips, may I be excused?
I'm having my Steve.
- Yeah. They're good. Back to work.
- I'm on it.
- What? It's due in two hours!
- I know. I know, I'm a douche bag.
- These chocolate lockers were a great idea.
- Mine has nut clusters. Thanks.
Sure is, Todd. Oh, hello, gorgeous.
Hey! How did the dead dog work out?
Did it buy us some time?
You're not smart enough!
Somebody'll clean that up.
- I just meant to brush you lightly.
- I know.