Aired 14 years ago - May 14, 2006
When Francine's birthday brings back haunting memories of a celebrity film moment stolen by George Clooney, Francine's new dream is to destroy the star. But when she tries to win Clooney's heart with the intention of breaking it, Stan actually falls
for him and sabotages the plan. Meanwhile, back at home, Roger builds a vineyard and starts up a private sweat shop of foster children.
with Francine's shoes
without being barraged by filth?
Dude, what the hell did you do
to your computer?
You better lay off that Cougar Boost.
so I decided to book us
a romantic getaway.
It was sex: mechanical, degrading,
Don't be ridiculous.
I can't cheat on you.
I'm sorry, Francine, there's no conceivable
way that we can get around this.
Hayley, your mother insisted.
Steve, don't just sit there,
Now I remember why I hate these places.
I'm going to have intercourse with you!
I'm divorced! It's fine!
Buddy, I'm not ready yet.
- I'm gonna do it.
- I'm cockin' my gun.
Did you know I was wearing a vest?
- Couch upholsterer?
Hotter than the pair of speakers
I bought today off the back of a truck.
I'm gonna take my contact lens out,
We talked, shared some laughs,
had some gunplay...
Anyway, madam, I wanna dispute some
of these charges on my cell phone bill.
not fail in love.
Love will rise again each morning,
like the sun.
I went to the park,
I left you messages...
- What's wrong?
- I can't cheat on my wife.
We were gonna play laser tag.
I'm on a six-year cell phone plan.
- So, do you...?
where it turns out Samuel Jackson
What the ... is going on?!
Yeah, guys take you out,
treat you special,
Would you like me to check
for any specific first name?
Yeah, we're gonna help you.
- Oh, God.
- You look tense.
Aired 14 years ago - May 07, 2006
After Steve shows a lack of interest in Stan's job, Stan replaces him with Barry, Steve's malicious friend. Barry frames Steve to eliminate him from the household, but when Steve discovers Barry's weakness, he relies on his CIA skills to save the family. Meanwhile, Roger takes an impressive keg-stand and uses it to become a fraternity brother.
He can't help it if he's deformed.
- I'm just a bit rusty at pitching woo.
- Oh, there she is.
Waiter! 15 kamikazes.
"Rick Baker's Celebrity Nose Kit?"
Roger, you look awesome!
I just hope I don't pre-marital in the car on the way home.
I don't understand, sir. I thought
you and Melinda really hit it off.
What in the name of
Phil Spector happened?
I'll freshen your drink.
I've ended a life in its prime.
That little feelings-hurter
is about to eat crow.
but Kevin Bacon is an American treasure,
Mr. Bacon, would you and your entourage
like to dine at my fancy eatery?
God, I'm so hung over.
and she never wants
to talk to you again.
we were playing squash
until very late last night.
Hey, I'm doing the back page of Vanity Fair next week.
- Roger, we can't keep doing this.
- Yeah, I mean, it's stealing.
I'm worried about Melinda.
and she hates doorknob clutter.
Don't worry, Smith,
I'll throw her off the trail.
Francine, you're blocking me!
Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah!
A midget assassin.
But if you don't want her to say,
"I told you so,"
I'm gonna wear these out.
Kevin Bacon is gonna take
as much free stuff as he wants.
- In the red hat.
- That's a hat rack.
That's 'cause you got drunk
and blacked out.
But then you began arguing
over who would shower first.
How can I live with myself?!
The whole incident was captured by a nearby traffic cam.
Kevin Bacon fled the scene
and was arrested 20 minutes later
You're not the monster
you think you are.
There's six months worth of casseroles in the freezer.
Well, what choice did he have?
I am starved.
you completely disarmed me
with a simple admission of your error.
Aired 14 years ago - Apr 30, 2006
Stan wants Steve to be popular and goes to desperate measures giving him steroids to make him bigger, better, and part of the in-crowd at school. But when the steroids have an unexpected side effect, Steve gets a lot more attention than anyone
expected. Meanwhile, after Hayley makes a movie about Francine's life as a housewife, Francine is determined to start a new career as a doctor.
I have been making the decisions that
keep this family on track for 20 years!
the exercise must be
treated as 100% real.
Stan, are you sure?
Well, they're off to somewhere
in a hurry.
they choose the gifts they want
to receive from their guests.
Klaus, these girls don't
look that desperate.
Now, listen to my every word
if you want to live.
Second of all, interesting footnote,
Oh, got to take this.
You saved us from nuclear annihilation.
We have complete faith in you.
- Answer her. That's your wife.
Trish, that Denver omelet was great.
So I had to fire Theresa, hire a painter
and get a new hygienist all in one week.
The doctor did fantastic work.
- Sherry, will you marry me?
- It's Shari, and yes!
We'll use the pelt for napkins
and save the wishbone for game night.
I've saved your lives once already.
Haven't I? Hold your position!
And that's how you kill a bear.
The name's Buuuh...
How would you folks like to come by
ol' Buckle's for a nice, hot meal?
Oh, wait, bear testicles.
We used to have paint cans all over
the place but then I put up a shelf.
Such a command
of the literal and figurative.
Dad, I'm tired and hungry.
Relax. They aren't any mutants.
preparing the perfect wedding
for my Shari.
and her last wish was to be
at my wedding.
I promise, I will find us something
to eat within the hour.
Hey, I'm gonna just go in the kitchen
and steal your food.
Francine, start the car!
You saved the mutant.
How long were you planning
on keeping us up here?
Hayley, you and I were supposed
to repopulate the earth together.
- But I must have you.
Why don't you say something
to the manager?
Thanks to you, I missed a week of school
The boob strikes again.
and lots and lots of Jews.
It's about Roger and his lies.
Whoa, the wedding's about to start.
Aired 14 years ago - Apr 23, 2006
When Stan goes to Atlantic City for a bachelor party and is shunned by his so-called best friend, Roger steps in and becomes Stan's new sidekick. Their friendship goes to a whole new level, but when they return home and face Francine, Stan realizes
that what happens in Atlantic City doesn't necessarily stay there. Meanwhile, Hayley and Steve team up to break up a good-looking couple.
Now, don't forget to brush your teeth
or gobelins will kill your mother.
Look at the belt buckle on the
Robin Hood peanut butter label.
We've got to get to the
bottom of this mystery.
Look, every jar of peanut butter
has this same symbol on it.
I'm doing a report on
George Washington Carver.
- Someone killed him?
- Funny. I never said he was murdered.
He was stabbed and left for dead.
We're looking for one slaw.
No, no, that means nothing.
Don't worry, they're just blanks.
I don't think we're supposed
to be on this roof.
Steve, just give it to me.
This isn't child's play.
This is what I know.
what is this delicious paste
about which I am snapping?
and credit its invention to a black man.
Incredibly mashing them up and
eating them wasn't one of them.
You're one of the few people outside of
the Illuminutty who knows this secret.
After the civil war,
our nation was healed
But no one will believe us
unless we have the jar of proof.
Well, we do have one
thing the Illuminutty doesn't.
Dad, it's not a map, it's a message.
I called Hasbro. They said it
violated the spirit of the game,
Well, no flagpoles in the VIP room.
We got to get that pole.
- I can't believe you didn't.
I was right about the pole, wasn't I?
I'm sorry, Dad, I'm...
Yeah, I'm gonna need two tickets on
your next flight to the Garden of Eden.
But this is the only peanut plant
in this whole place.
Monocle, cane, hat...
That's not funny.
I guess comedy has really evolved.
Okay, your turn.
The jar of proof.
It's the playbill from the night
Lincoln was assassinated.
He switched them on me.
Aired 14 years ago - Feb 26, 2006
Because of a past incident at his own prom, where he was lured into a dance with the homecoming queen only to have a pile of pigs dropped on him, Stan wants revenge by showing off that he married a homecoming queen, Francine. A proud Stan
accompanies Francine to her reunion, but when they find out that two ballots were lost and that Francine didn’t actually win the crown, Stan is devastated. Meanwhile, a dejected Steve is “saved” by a pizza delivery man with a Messianic message.
When I was his alien
Through the winter and the spring
What we had must finally end
Sadness is my only friend
I wonder if there is a real Mr. Pibb?
The parent company's decided
to go in a different direction.
What if we got a million
signatures on a petition?
- You know...?
- You can talk?
You're my alien,
I'd play with you all day
and never let you out of my sight.
Do you know omelet yet?
How old are you? What do you know?
Roger! Thank God!
Where were you?
Do you know what my dad will do to us
if he finds out your cover was blown?
This is so fun!
You are so cool.
Ow! You're hurting me! Let go!
- You're running off to see him.
- Well, I kind of live there.
Okay, Henry, take it easy.
His report cards have
You sound just like Daphne Zuniga
from that Lifetime movie.
We, we were playing,
- You come after us,
I was all wrapped up in my science fair
and I yelled at him,
it can be hard to break free
from an abusive relationship.
Wasn't the keynote speaker supposed
to be Colin Powell?
Yeah, everything's cool.
Henry and I made up.
- Don't worry. I have a plan.
- Well, it's about time.
Yeah, well, anyway...
We Pibbs are survivors.
First time anyone's come to see me
in a year and a half.
What are we supposed to drink
together once you're gone?
It's having some one to drink them with.
Aired 14 years ago - Jan 29, 2006
After receiving a hefty bonus from work, Stan buys extravagant gadgets while Francine pleads for her dream kiosk. Upset about his lack of support, Francine opens a muffin shop without his approval and gives Stan a taste of life without a housewife.
In a desperate move, Stan puts Klaus' brain back into a human body – only to discover it was a huge mistake as Klaus tries to win over Francine. Meanwhile, Steve is convinced he's a teen wolf after watching a horror film.
It sounds like a cross between
"celibate" and "abortion."
Maybe I would have made a holiday
if you'd help me with the sewing,
in time for Mother's Day,
so help me God.
Looks like we'll have
to dip into the fund.
Gerry, what are you doing?
And your résumé looks good.
They gave you all that
at Best Buy?
That means "more tongue."
maximum two a day.
I don't have any bones in my arms,
which makes me a natural on the drums.
Whoo! I'm thirsty
from rocking it so hard.
but I do have this-- Paco!
I'm finally making my dream come true!
Stan, could you help me
bring the groceries in?
but then she said she wasn't.
I would like to sell them
on my shopping network show.
And if we could walk away...
- Hack and The Hacktones.
- Oh, yeah?
Ooh, praise Jesus!
Why are they throwing
tortilla chips in front of you?
- I was out late with Hayley.
- You have a big future here, Paco.
How do I put this?
You're out of the band.
See? We go on right before you
and your nonexistent Asstones.
We received a report that
you're harboring illegal aliens.
Well, no sign of any illegals.
Ms. Elizabeth Protestant-England
will get it.
Well, they can't work here.
Who are the Mexicans, Stan?
Fine. They can sing in the festival.
Afterwards, I'll probably just finish up
paperwork at the office
- Jim crack corn! Jimmy crack!
Wait, what are you doing here?
Here's what we do:
Uh, you guys know any english song?
back in Mexico while dreaming
of coming to America.
Take me home
Aired 14 years ago - Jan 08, 2006
After Stan and Roger have a rough day, they get into a fight that leads to a ""Freaky Friday""-type switcheroo where they get a taste of life in each other's shoes. But after the excitement of a new life stales, they face each other's problems as
Roger is under pressure at work and Stan yearns to be needed. The swap gets out of hand as the family starts to crumble.
Oh, I'm harvesting one of your kidneys
to sell on the black market
Just once would it kill you
to say, "Good idea, Roger"?
Or just chilling out to some Zeppelin.
Duper, the President will be coming
to your house for dinner.
With folks like me
on the job from 9:00 to 5:00.
in the New York Times, on the Internet,
even in Catcher In The Rye.
And its Zionist allies.
Hello, White House?
We found bin Laden.
You know what? I'm out of here.
but then we discovered he plagiarized
a good chunk of it from Willy Wonka.
Mr. President, there's
so much I want to ask you.
Is exactly what you would say if we
were getting a divorce tomorrow.
Over the hilltop, a war song is ringing.
All I know is burritos are delicious.
Oop, there's already a guy in here.
So, like, can you make
Tony Blair do whatever you want?
I have something big you'll
want to get your hands on.
I am about to tell you something
that will change the face of history.
Oh, my God, you're choking!
I feel light-headed.
- Klaus is here with me!
- I'm in here, Stan. I'm fine!
Whoop! My finger's not a gun!
Everybody do "The Skull and Bones"!
Coffee! I'll get you some coffee!
How do you take it?
Oh, my God! Here.
Here's some breakfast blend.
He wanted to keep partying,
so Hayley snuck him out the back.
- Look, Mr. President...
- Touch it.
I will be after I hear the
sobering wisdom of Miss Dolly Parton.
Ha-ha! Look at me!
I'm running unopposed!
I told you, that rum wasn't mine.
Now, we have to gain his trust
so he invites us into his home.
and we'd live in a sunken pirate ship.
That'd show global warming.
Look at him clear that fence!
Didn't even scrape his junk.
- That's a stool.
- It's a backless chair!
We have to get you home and in bed.
You have a press conference in 4 hours.
- Oh, I've seen my approval ratings.
Let him know he'll be taking the reins.
Oh, well then, may I?
- I want to do it!
- Give it up! You're wrong, okay?!
Aired 14 years ago - Dec 18, 2005
As Stan continues to dominate the household, Francine finds herself idolizing a group of women who seem to have it all. She tries to impress them and even lies in order to gain acceptance into their group, until she realizes they aren't as perfect as they seem. Meanwhile, loyalties are tested when Stan gets a new best friend.
- One of your items, please.
- How about this cassette?
- Management doesn't want us saying that.
- Just say it!
You know who's to blame
for this? Well, do you?
Look at my boobies....
Yeah. They,ve asked us to call him
the Holiday Rapist.
and the Christmas Rapist
is on the loose.
Why? Why are you here?
'tis Christmas morn, 1970.
You knew what Christmas was about
back then, didn't you, Stan?
Well, that's not stardust
on your hands, Michelle.
Alright. Ms. Fonda. Action!
Oh, you are so dead.
Look, if a mom takes a kid to the mall
and loses the kid, do you blame the mom?
I think I know where he went.
Be right with you.
Jane,you have the power
to be so much more than that.
What did you say?
Ooh, Donald Sutherland.
"Disco's Greatest Hits "
You might want to
check between Faye Dun away's legs.
Let's just say the world
has yet to recognize your genius.
Your eyebrows tickle.
- What? I,ve had to pee since the,70s.
Think, Stan. What did you do when
you were back in 1970?
Which means Reagan was never
empowered by surviving an assassination attempt.
There's only one way
to save America.
This is gonna be even bigger
than the six other hits you,ve given me!
Didn't look like you were
talking to your reflection.
So Robert De "Zero...
wants to quit, fine.
I bet you,d have to do something
really special to impress a girl like that.
Wait, no! No, no.
No good-bye, Christmas.
- Where are we?
- Washington, D.C., March 30, 1981.
But you screwed things up.
You have to make them right.
Hey, hold on.
I,m gonna put you on speaker.
No, 90. Ninety records.
Disco's dead. You,re broke.
Aired 14 years ago - Nov 27, 2005
Steve becomes a famous author, and the entire family gets caught up in his celebrity, including Stan, who becomes an unbearable ""stage parent."" After Steve hooks up with an agent, he abandons his family to lead a ""Cribs"" lifestyle.
Arnie, stop chewing on the line.
Uh, Steve, I don't think
that's a good idea.
the human-dinosaur treaty
I brought it down from the attic
for dramatic effect.
But relax. This isn't a bad thing.
It's an opportunity.
Let's go screw some sheep!
I believe that was my dad's S.A.T. score.
fell prey to the carnivorous hawk
that is my mind.
But as "regardless... is already negative,
it's a logical absurdity.
And I can't live under the roof.
By the way,
can you believe this kid tax?
Francine, they,re not in New York.
Arnie, stop playing
with the curtain.
- We,ve made it, Steve.
- That's right, pal. New York City.
Well, slop me up
a bit of coincidence.
Well, delicately kiss
Mmm! Oh, Arnie,
you,re my knight in shimmering armor.
No. Not quite sublime.
It's about a guy
who gets thrown into a jail cell...
Watch SJ.P. take off.
What are you talking about? SJ.P. is
a Canadian chiropractic supplies company.
Oh. Then what is all this?
- They,ll catch their death.
- Nonsense. Death has better things to do...
In this town, with our brains,
we,ll turn it into millions in no time.
Honey, it's been three weeks.
You,re the Cowboy of Sixth Avenue.
- That you don't have the brains to make it out here?
I never thought
I could be happy again.
- And your cough is getting worse.
- I,m fine.
Your friend can rest here
while you and I adjourn to the bedroom.
It was Oscar Wilde.
I,m not stupid.
Aired 14 years ago - Nov 20, 2005
Francine insists that Stan and Hayley spend an entire day together, after their arguments drive her crazy, so they can work out their differences about gun control. However, her plan backfires when he takes Hayley to the ""National Gun Association
Land,"" where their conflicting opinions about gun control drive them even further apart. Back home, Roger schemes to get revenge on Steve for eating one of his cookies by convincing him that he's adopted.
Maria! I just thought you quit
without giving notice.
I,m Clifford. Stan hired me
to guard this passage.
Francine followed her husband-
- He's a superhero?
I hurt her very, very badly.
She never skated again.
Winning was more important to me
than my own partner's safety.
It was their first real winter together,
and she was truly happy
Steve, I noticed you weren't rooting
through my garbage this morning.
Klaus, your scales are
especially shiny today, my friend.
I was also roommates with Rick Schroder.
You want to hear about that?
Francine, wife order DirecTV now...
But now I know it's just fun! That Peanuts
Christmas special finally makes sense.
We can jam out to this.
But it was all for nothing.
The association refused to change our score.
- The prize is a set of wigs?
Bad Stan! Oh, oh, I meant to say,
"Bad Stan!... and then slapyou.
I,m sorry. Is that the one where-
was not entirely true.
I found her living in your closet, Steve.
She's a Russian bride, not a Russian whore.
At this part of our routine, I want you
to do a salchow from a Mohawk entry.
It's not the Olympics.
We don't have a chance!
You really haven't read
my My Space page, have you?
Okay we'remaking the turn. We're heading back.
just stay focused Don't look at her.
I,ve got Hartshorn and Sweiding debuting
their "Mustang Sally... routine in Berlin.
Stan and Roger practived relentessly.
- Don't I do a salchow right there?
- You call that a salchow?
Can you keep it down? Huh?
No one's looking at you.
Francine!I've been a fool!
Aired 14 years ago - Nov 13, 2005
As the Smiths continue to live in Saudi Arabia, Stan is fully enjoying the male-dominated society, while the rest of the family struggles with the different social norms. Meanwhile, Francine's musical expos on gender roles gets her into trouble, and a brush with death leads the Smiths to return to the United States.
Yeah, I use my dad's
to shoot the eyes out of squirrels.
- Oh, that's okay, Mom. Debbie took care of it.
- I,m sorry. What?
Oh, is Debbie a larger woman?
I hadn't noticed.
What are you talking about? He totally
ignored me and I don't think he's hot at a-
we could see who can do
the best pretend elephant.
Not as funny as Debbie.
She cracks me up.
Look, I can sharpen
my pencil. Great gal.
Then explain this.
and he asked me
to teach this class.
- This is all Debbie's fault.
- Let's be adults about this, Mom.
- Can I take your order, honey?
- Oh, hey, Gladys.
I used to watch
this show with Steve.
Stan, I,ve been thinking.
You better sleep
with one eye open, Stan.
But ask yourself,
will you jackknife or cannonball?
- There's no detention in college.
- Oh, right.
- It's like I,m on crank, I,m so awake.
- I,m Kichiro.
- And I,m Mojiro.
No need. I already
banked plenty of sperm...
Kindly enter for your vasectomy.
Oh, I just stitched together
a little Mr. Holland..
because you got caught
in the gravity of my invite.
You look good.
There you go.
Now you,re holding up your end.
Oh, and you know how you told us
to make a change for the better?
Not eating isn't
gonna bring him back.
Your Japanese friends told me
about your banked sperm.
- Marry me.
- My Best Friend's Wedding!Ah, my eyes again!
Uh, Ethan, it's been
a lovely evening...
Finally, my ear popped.
Well, I am not gonna let my husband
stand in the way of me getting pregnant.
Wait a second.
That goes over here.
Here. Take my baby gravy.
I just thought
you should know that.
I- Is it a car? Uh, some kind of car?
Aired 14 years ago - Nov 06, 2005
Stan has to throw a party for his boss and assumes his wife Francine will do all the work, but she refuses. With Stan as party planner, the event turns into a disaster. As a result, Stan's boss relocates Stan and his family to Saudi Arabia, where
they quickly get a taste of life on foreign ground. As American and Arabian social norms clash, gender wars heat up.
You know, when Inspector Gordon
gives him that Joker playing card.
- Why would she do that?
- Why would who do what?
- Please, let me play.
- I don't think you,re ready yet.
See? This is Agathor,
my mighty warrior character.
- That's 2 Fast2 Furious.
- So, what do I do?
- Simple. Go find a street racer and challenge him.
with a horsepower-to-weight diviser
of 18 or above.
I know it must be hard for someone
like you to lose someone like me, but-
- What do you mean?
- Think about it.
Your brother is not the problem.
The problem is Agathor.
- Yes, great one?
- Give us a lively tune for butt searching.
So I know from good.
we settle this like adolescents
with very poor judgment.
Stan, you don't understand. I-
We don't have $50,000.
I can't believe
they took Francine.
I was trying to settle on a pair of sunglasses
when I realized how we could get the money.
Oh, come on.
It was just a character in a game.
So, if my husband can't come up with
the money, what are you gonna do to me?
Yes, mighty Kubalek.
Okay, I,m going in.
You cover me.
Well, okay. But we,re not getting back
together. This isn't a make-up quest.
In this world, "Roodpart...
is probably some ancient, mystic word-
Look, your plan was never gonna work.
I,m gonna handle this my way.
The money's supposed to be on top
of the phone books. Run, Francine!
I gotta lighten this sucker up.
- Is there anything else we can lose?
- No, nothing!
- We are so screwed.
- No, wait.
Aired 14 years ago - Oct 02, 2005
When Stan's father passes away, Stan reveals his real father is actually Jack Smith, a super suave spy. Jack convinces Stan to quit the CIA and work with him at the Scarlet Alliance, an ultra-secret spy group. Francine is upset with Stan, who is
busy training with Jack for a mission involving uranium, artwork and terrorists. But when the FBI shows up at the Smiths' house looking for an international jewel thief, Francine suspects Jack is the fake.
And in this direction, from youngest-
gets your whites white.
Did you know Abe had a personal bodyguard
named Captain David Derick son?
Especially not a chilled bottle
of Clos du Bois Chardonnay.
And slender. God.
I,m sorry Mary Todd
takes so many long trips, Mr. Lincoln.
Let me take you home,
Abe, one last time.
to good old-fashioned
Our group is speaking
at the R.N.C. this year...
You know, nothing fancy. Wejust
threw it together at the last minute.
A whole island made of fire?
You might say
I,m Captain Derickson to his Lincoln.
I am a pilgrim
in an unholy land!
And the way you portrayed him
with his boyfriend-
- So they,re not gonna turn you gay?
- Of course not, kiddo.
Heath Ledger has a head cold.
That's why he's in his sweater.
- Listen, calm down. We,ll go inside and-
- I am not calming down.
They,re a present
for the bedroom.
I,m not gay. I,m just
enjoying the lifestyle.
If you get on that boat with those Republicans...
- You,re not invited, Stan.
- What? Why?
Not only are you not
invited on the cruise...
They,re not letting me
speak at the R.N.C.
Stay away from me!
I don't wanna catch your gay!
The role of a hag.
So I was hoping I could take you to dinner
and then afterwards have sex with you.
but maybe we can make do
with some Michelob Ultra and diet pills.
I,ve been doing it right
since J.v. football.
- It's- It's not?
Aired 14 years ago - Sep 25, 2005
When the CIA organizes a father-son baseball game, Stan is determined to show his co-workers that his son is masculine and athletic. Unfortunately, Steve is a geek, so Stan decides to lie and ditches him. But after getting a taste of his own
treatment at work, Stan turns to Steve and his sci-fi knowledge to help capture a cyber-terrorist. Meanwhile, Roger goes incognito in a desperate attempt to interact with humans.
Oh, if I had known you were
gonna be home so early...
I should have failed the hell out
of that class. That's how good I am.
My dad wasn't around
to teach me any different.
I had to act fast or this other guy
was totally gonna buy it.
and I got it
for a sweet 10 grand.
Oh, don't worry about it.
I,m... having fun. I,m having fun.
If I,m living in a storage unit so he can buy
20 cars, I,m gonna get something out of it.
- Later, buddy.
- See you, pal.
Well, maybe you should go visit your sensei.
You know, get a tune-up.
I,m right in the middle of trying
to get the toaster to pop...
Yeah. Um, we don't exactly
know how to drive these cars.
My films! Oh, gimme, gimme, gimme!
on the majestic grandeur
of the silver screen.
Yes. Yes. Yes, we do.
Better to be scared half to death...
and then kick the mental ass
of a certain car salesman.
But we think you're crazytomake us write
an essaytellingyou who we think weare.
and a criminal.
That's what drive-ins are for.
Getting down and dirty.
What the hell is that?
I,m not worthy to be
the head of this family. I,m leaving.
- When's Dad coming back?
- Don't know.
Just a minute!
A whole new entrepreneurial thing that is
gonna be the next big thing for Stan Smith.
A turd made of solid gold.
It's a mistake is what it is.
now we can go to Boca.
What about all those
late nights I lied awake...
No. Tomorrow, I,m just gonna
turn it in and face the music.
Besides, that cracker box won't seem so bad
when our grandkids come to visit.
until you,re fondly reminiscing
as a 35-year-old homosexual.
Well, you may have planned on
becoming men through sexual conquest...
The grand images, the big stars.
Where did they go?
I,m selling candy to raise money so my soccer
team can get new uniforms. Will you help us?
I had everything! A family! A great job!
You took it all from me.
Aired 14 years ago - Sep 18, 2005
When Steve brings home a permission slip to take sex ed at school, Stan flips out and demands to teach it himself. However, after Stan unrealistically explains the birds and the bees to Steve, he gets into an accident that causes him to take matters into his own hands. Meanwhile, Roger becomes a bartender in hopes of making something of himself.
I haven, actually
asked her out yet.
the collar will sense
your stress level and blow up.
And I'm gonna die!
Oh, um, I, um-
Why did he have to die?
I dropped you on your head
as an infant.
- Dad, that's Debbie.
- To the panic room!
to your son.
She smells people food.
You can't keep us apart.
Oh! And just like that, I'm back!
That's so unfair, Dad.
Overweight people have it hard enough...
Next thing you know, you're
wearing a towel on your head...
I wear a trucker cap,
and I can mold you...
Shut up and help me count!
You're not fat.
Now let's rock it up a bump,
Now drop and give me a thousand!
- We're just freezing our-
I'm watching you two.
has been designed to push
each of you to the limit.
Oh, look. Miss Pinkerton
fainted at the market...
I just got suspended because
I'm in such bad shape.
You do have a weight problem!
I'm a huge tub of lard.
I know, I know.
But she won, wear makeup.
You can totally tell.
Look at her massive tic tac thighs.
Anorexia will dry up your ovaries
like tobacco in the sun.
it's usually the result
But I don, wanna eat.
I hate food.
It's just, you know, this is
a really bad time for me.
The girl who loves to go
to the market is now back on it.
Oh, is that what this is about?
Look, you're better off.
- And we'll both suck on ice chips for dessert.
Oh, from your high school
Here we are.
Oh, lucky you.
- I like your face.
- Oh. I thought we were here so you could interview me.
Aired 14 years ago - Sep 11, 2005
Stan finds Deputy Director Bullock, his supervisor, starting a relationship with Hayley. However, he can't risk saying or doing anything about it because he's up for a promotion at the CIA. Meanwhile, Steve finds Dick Cheney's BlackBerry and uses the contact numbers to play pranks on political figures from around the world.
- Well, it's pretty overcrowded.
- My son doesn't take up much space.
Oh, and then there's camp love.
How could you send Steve off
to some camp you know nothing about?
Has anybody seen a Care Bears towel?
I,m going with you.
So this is a refugee camp.
Hello. Stan Smith, American,
32-inch vertical leap.
Art opening? Hell, I,ll go.
Eh, I don't really care.
You owe me 32.50.
Stupid camp? No. No, camp is good.
We,re staying for a few weeks
and turning this place into a summer camp.
My key stats:
I.Q 140, nearsighted...
Perfect. And I,m the head ofthe political science
department at Harvard, thank you very much.
You,re just slightly better at this than I expected.
I played sports, I wrote cheers.
This sucks. I wanna go home.
Oh, man. It is so on.
You just found your camp love.
Just three words of advice:
Hall & Oates. Chicks dig,em.
Mm-hmm. Our old rivals.
I think I got a bad case of...
full moon fever!
then sends,em your way for bandaging.
but you,re married to Professor Jordan Edelstein,
Ph. D., and he fancies a dinner party.
Open your mouth, lead with the tongue
Dad, they just kidnapped Makeva!
Oh, your days of pole-wrapping are through, sir.
- Camp Olympics?
- That's right. We challenge you.
- Where did you say it was from?
I,m just saying to the attractive girl
that you used to look good...
Let the games begin!
- Amanda wears a hairpiece.
Come on, Professor.
Tell them how you killed
our baby, Amanda.
- Never mind.
- Way to go, champ!