Status
Continuing
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in 10 days
Airs
Sundays 8:00 PM on FOX (US)
SEASON
EPISODE

Season 5

Aired 22 years ago - May 19, 1994

Homer teaches an adult education class on successful marriage, but his students show little interest until he starts telling them juicy details of his marriage to Marge. Furious, Marge kicks Homer out.

Recap of The Simpsons Season 5 Episode 22 (S05E22) - 1
Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain.
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Say some gangsta is dissin' your fly girl.
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- Now you try. - [ Spitting ]
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What is your area of expertise?
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No. Mr. Simpson, what I mean is we may have a job for you after all.
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- [ Children Chewing Loudly ] - Look, everyone.
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I think it's great you're a teacher, Dad.
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Can't talk now, Flanders. I've got a class to teach.
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- [ Tires Squealing ] - It's all right. I'm a teacher!
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- Down the hall, Room 1 2. - [ Mouth Full ] Thank you.
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Hmm.
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Uh-h-h-m, how about you, Otto?
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Well, I'm a smart woman, but I make bad choices.
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- Make love to me the way you used to. - No.
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- [ Chewing Loudly ] - Simpson!
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For you see, marriage is a lot like an orange.
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The eating of an orange is a lot like a good marriage.
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So somethin' wasn't workin' in bed, huh? Heh, heh, heh.
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She's been as gray as a mule since she was 1 7.
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[ Boy On Speaker] Wait! I need closure on that anecdote.
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Whatever do you mean? I don't dye my hair. [ Forced Laughing ]
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Marge, I didn't tell 'em personal stuff.
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Look, Marge. You don't know what it's like. I'm the one out there putting his ass on the line.
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that was your best friend's face, you'll know what to do!
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- [ All Groan ] - Tell us more about you and Marge.
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I do have a story about two other young marrieds.
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- We need names! - Well, let's just call 'em, uh...
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Not tonight, Marge. Tonight we can eat a nice, leisurely dinner at home.
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Apparently, that disturbing odor was the food.
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Me and Milhouse took some mail from a mail truck and threw it down the sewer.
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Well, now that the little ones have toddled off to bed--
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Get out! Get out! Get out! Get out! Get out-out-out-out-out-out-out!
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You told personal things about our lives, even after you promised you wouldn't.
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Oh. Fine. If that's what you want, you've got it.
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Kids, your father and I are going through a really tough time right now...
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[ Screeches ]
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Sorry, Bart. Your dad kinda blew the fantasy.
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[ Moans Softly ]
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[ Screams, Grunting ] Ooh.
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Lisa! You will respect your new mother. Now, give her a kiss.
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- No. - Okay. 30.
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[ Moans Softly ]
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I'm very flattered, but I'm not really interested.
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I didn't ask her for no water. She's lyin', Homer. She told me you were dead.
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I give up. I don't deserve to live with you.
Aired 22 years ago - May 12, 1994

Mr. Burns and Grandpa Simpson compete for the affections of Marge's mother. The more dashing suitor prevails, but in a scene straight out of The Graduate, Grandpa crashes the wedding just before Mrs. Bouvier becomes Mrs. Burns.

Recap of The Simpsons Season 5 Episode 21 (S05E21) - 1
Do it!
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- " Even kids with chicken pox " - [ All ] " Love hot dogs "
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At least I got Matlock to keep me company. D'oh!
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Yeah. Anyway, maybe they could go to a matinee together...
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- That's not my mother. - I'll be back in a jiffy!
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You both got swindled by that telemarketing scam.
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to this unauthorized imitation.
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Boys all paid attention to me and it drove my friends crazy.
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and a place I'm not sure I've ever been to.
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- I'm in lo-o-o-o-ve! - [ Car Horns Honking ]
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your chance to own a piece of Itchy and Scratchy...
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- to increase in value. - [ Announcer] I guarantee it.
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Uh, do you accept the ''Federal Breast Inspector's'' card?
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He's damn opposed. Damn, damn, damn opposed.
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- [ Line Ringing ] - Hello, Mom?
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I love ya, Mom. Gotta go.
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Stop stealing golf balls from the driving range.
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It looks like part of Scratchy's arm.
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Hot diggity!
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[Jazzy Singsong ] Now, what you gotta do...
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then my chances for love will slightly improve.
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"[ Big Band ]
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This-- This is an arm drawn by nobody. It is worth nothing.
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I'll have her back in one piece.
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I'll show him. I'm gonna give him the frowning of a lifetime.
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I swear, Monty. You are the devil himself.
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[ Groans ]
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Mr. Simpson, I represent the estate ofJimmy Durante.
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Smithers, guess what happened to me last night?
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Whoop-dee-do to the world! Whoop-dee-do, Mr. Florist.
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''Memorandum to Mrs. Bouvier. Re: Delineation of Romantic Intentions.''
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That's marvelous. How did you think of that so fast?
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So, let's all be extra nice to him.
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Oh, and this must be little Pebbles.
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Hi. You know, Grandma really likes it when her boyfriends are nice to me.
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You don't have the guts.
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Bring us your finest bottle of vino.
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Dad, I'm really sorry, but I charged $3 50 on your credit card.
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Her stern, but sensible face will remind me never to do anything so stupid again.
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[ Laughs Nervously ] Not to worry.
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Evil, schmevil, Marge. Monty can provide for me.
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Aired 22 years ago - May 05, 1994

Playing hooky, Bart sneaks onto the Quimby Compound and is the only witness when Mayor Quimby's ne'er-do-well nephew Freddy allegedly assaults a snooty French butler. But if he comes forward, he will be punished for truancy.

Recap of The Simpsons Season 5 Episode 20 (S05E20) - 1
That does it. I'm outta here.
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You were right to be suspicious, Edna. To the crime lab.
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Spill it! Where's your brother?
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[ Giggles ] Now you're the good cop.
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Yeah, I guess you're right. Enjoy Boob-A-Rama, sir.
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Our next highest bid, uh...
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[ Chuckles ] I wish someone was around to hear that.
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I'm not paying you to talk.
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People, the punch has been spiked. [ Laughs ]
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Yeah, I'll say. Magic ticket my ass, McBain.
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[ Clears Throat ] ''Shao-dair.''
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You'd think someone would've seen something at a crowded party like that.
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I was at the Quimby compound yesterday when that frog waiter got whacked.
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to the Christian Military Reform School.
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- [ Sighs ] - I knew it was a bad idea to watch him open the mail.
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''Beat-up Waiter.'' [ Scoffs ]
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Just a little reminder-- if I find out you cut class...
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I intend to prove that Freddy Quimby is totally innocent.
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- It's an exclusive.! - From now on, you tell me everything.
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Only because Mayor Quimby is buying his nephew's freedom.
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Well, only one in two million people has...
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Excuse me, Your Honor. Yes, I'd like to bring something to the court's attention.
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Your Honor, even though I've proven my client's innocence...
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Well, therefore, you certainly would never lose your temper...
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[ Chuckles ] This won't take long.
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Oh, I can't wait till the sentencing part. That's where I really shine.
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Watch the potty mouth, honey.
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- What does ''sequestered'' mean? - If the jury is deadlocked, they are put in a hotel together...
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and have to be sequestered...
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- Guilty. - Okay, fine.
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But the law needs me. I'll be home as soon as I can.
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- " [ Itchy And Scratchy Theme ] - So, Bart...
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You gotta tell him what you saw, Billy.
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And he crushed our boy!
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- Ah. Is that my necktie you're wearing? - Souvenir.
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" [ Humming ]
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like a certain uncle did one gray December morn.
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if Freddy Quimby didn't inflict these injuries on Mr. LaCoste...
Recap of The Simpsons Season 5 Episode 20 (S05E20) - 51
Aired 22 years ago - Apr 28, 1994

When Bart gets Principal Skinner fired, Ned Flanders is brought in to act as principal. Skinner befriends his former nemesis and the pair look for a way to get Skinner reinstated.

Recap of The Simpsons Season 5 Episode 19 (S05E19) - 1
Thank you, Bart. Great job.
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You're doing it wrong.! You gotta pet him hard so he can feel it.
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Oh, brother. All right. Back to show-and-tell.
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Mmm.
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He was going to the bathroom.
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Sir, you've got to come quick!
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[ Slobbers, Panting ]
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Ooh, good comeback.
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[ Gasps ]
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[ Laughing ]
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- [ Barks ] - [ Grunts, Groans ]
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[ Gasps ]
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I... [ Hiccups ] can't... [ Hiccups ] take... [ Hiccups ] this. [ Hiccups ]
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Oh, now I really think the children's appearance--
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I said make way for Willie, ya bloated gasbag!
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[ Gobbling, Gulping ]
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Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Let me get this straight.
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All right, all right. I won't take the dog. Come here.
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All right, you little punks. Prick up your freakin' ears...
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As chairman of the P.T.A., I am de-didilly-lighted to take over...
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What's your policy on, uh, lunch?
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Young man, your gargantuan cone...
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and biting you and then getting it on with your leg.
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I call it Billy and the Clone-osaurus.
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This isn't just some sort of clubhouse.
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I believe today I will try... Bold.
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[ Chanting ] We got Skinner's underpants!
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Oh, you must be Seymour's friend.
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or an individual fruit cocktail cup?
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- Seymour,your friend Bart is here.! - I know, Mother!
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[ Laughs ] Yeah. The teachers are afraid to leave the faculty lounge.
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I'd like one with two seats. I'll be dining with a friend tonight.
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Sincerely, Sergeant Seymour Skinner.
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- Sure, I guess. Here they come. - [ Vehicle Approaching ]
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Well, I may go a little bit easy on the old hickory dickory stick...
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He's a real flat tire. I mean a cube, man.
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We heard Sergeant Clark's company singing it, sir.
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[ Sighs ]
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Even Maggie has that baby with the one eyebrow.
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Yes. Now, you realize if I become principal again...
Aired 22 years ago - Apr 14, 1994

The childless Mr. Burns selects Bart as his heir and begins grooming him for his new role. As a test of loyalty, Mr. Burns orders Bart to fire Homer.

Recap of The Simpsons Season 5 Episode 18 (S05E18) - 1
Due to my hectic schedule and lethargic sperm...
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When I pass on, you shall be buried alive with me.
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[ Cheering ]
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- Vast. - [ Excited Chattering ]
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" Let's all go to the lobby Get ourselves some snacks "
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But my mom says I'm cool.
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"Zing, zing, zing went my heart strings-- " [ Grunts ]
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Ohh. I just don't want to be here, Dad.
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You've just graduated from the most expensive and, therefore, best school there is.
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Ah, one more.
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I bad want... money now. Me sick.''
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I think Bart and Lisa are feeling a little upset right now.
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It's no use.
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[ Chuckling ] Look, Smithers.
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Today is the day you become my heir.
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Bart, get over to the mansion and open up all the windows.
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- Let's push him down the steps. - No!
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Um... I think I'd like to go home.
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- Hmm. - Hmm.
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The Falkland Islands have just been invaded.
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" [ Wiggum Humming ]
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Oh, yeah. So good.
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- It couldn't possibly be bottomless. - For all intents and purposes.
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My most hated of all loafs.
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- Bart, you listen! - Oh, go eat some flowers!
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Who knows? I may even grow to... love him.
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or dogs with bees in their mouth, and when they bark, they shoot bees at you?
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Oh, for gosh-- Can't you people solve these problems yourselves?
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Uh, excuse me. Is there an OrangeJulius stand on this floor?
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[ Happy Chattering ]
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- Once it had snow on it. - Wow, Bart!
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- It's a Bob Mackie original. - Wow!
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Oh!
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Whoa! Whoa!
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I'm the one who successfully deprogrammed Jane Fonda, you know.
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You do not love Mr. Burns.
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Ooh.
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Is all TV this wonderful?
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but I'm afraid your family doesn't want you back.
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Really? Excuse me for just a moment.
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like Rain Man or Awakenings?
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- [ Bone Snaps ] - Oh! That rib always breaks.
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- It's a little tight. - Yes, that's to correct your posture.
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If you can tell me why I shouldn't fire you without using the letter ''E''...
Aired 22 years ago - Mar 31, 1994

Bart wins a wacky radio contest and forgoes the cash to claim the gag prize instead: an elephant.

Recap of The Simpsons Season 5 Episode 17 (S05E17) - 1
[ Laughs ] Shazam.
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[ Sighs ] They're having a great time, and I'm stuck in here.
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Whoo! Ahh!
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[ Screaming ]
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Now let's make another one of our lucky phone calls.
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[ Grampa ] Bart, I'm having palpitations!
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[ Rings ]
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Oh, I'm sorry the phrase is ''KBBL is gonna give me something stupid.''
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Well, all that money sounds mighty tempting, Marty...
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[ Laughs ] Stick it to the man.
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You all seem to be forgetting the most important thing...
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- You don't want us to get fired, do you? - Eh, either way.
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Okay, okay. What if we use the 1 0,000 to surgically transform Skinner here...
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Where's my elephant?
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Look, our ratings are down, and the station is being swamped...
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Whoa, that was the caller from hell.
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- What a bunch of clowns. - [ Laughs ]
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[ Marge Gasps ] Bart!
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Here you go, Stampy. Eat it slow. It has to last for--
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Everything is cruel.
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[ Grunts ] I think you're taking unfair advantage of my generous offer.
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- Hey, any more arboretums around here? - No!
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I know. He's grooming me.
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''Shots for elephant.'' ''Oversized decorative poncho''!
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[ Doorbell Rings ]
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- [ Grunts ] - Your kid flew five feet.
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You guys don't understand Stampy. He's just like me.
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I'm the smartest businessman in the world.
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Um, Milhouse saw the elephant twice and rode him once, right?
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Get off our property.
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I need a large African elephant, and I need it today.
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It's perfect, Dad.
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Dad, I think he's an ivory dealer.
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- Mr. Blackheart? - Yes, my pretty.
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Don't worry, Son. I'll get you a new elephant.
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Then, if I know my geography, it's just 1 2 miles to Africa.
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Piece of cake. All we have to do is follow the path of destruction.
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- [ Trumpets ] - [ Men ] Whoa!
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Wiggum. Yeah, right, buddy.
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which presered their skeletons in showroom condition.
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- D'oh! - A deer! - A female deer.
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Forget it! That elephant cost me thousands of dollars.
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I'm pretty sure I can struggle my way out.
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Aired 23 years ago - Mar 17, 1994

Homer and Flanders bond over a football game. As the two friends become inseparable, Flanders struggles with a growing dislike of Homer that finally blows up in front of the entire church congregation.

Recap of The Simpsons Season 5 Episode 16 (S05E16) - 1
- [ Groans, Shrieks ] - [ Station Switches ] " I've got two tickets to paradise "
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" [ Imitating Guitar Riff]
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It's genetic, man. D'oh!
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Hidilly-ho, neighbor. Wanna go to the game with me? I got two tickets.
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[ Growling ] Mmm. ''Sacrilicious.''
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[ Chuckles ] Well, get out the Crayolas and color me tickled pink.
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[ Crashes ]
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Thanks, Ned.
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Blue 27 on three.
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Invincible! You're--
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Ned, they gave me the game ball. I want you to have it.
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Wow, Flanders. This is about the nicest thing anyone's ever done for me.
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They don't call me Springfield Fats...
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Oh, don't you see? You do have a sin to confess.
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I want you to get to know my family.
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Wait a second. You're the man at the hospital who reads to sick children.
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Bless the grocer for this wonderful meat...
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[ Chuckling ] Homer, I-I'd love to chitty-chat, but tonight's the night I do my charity work.
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Homer, maybe you'd have more fun at Moe's tonight.
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Come on. Come on! Just give 'em the slop and let's get out of here.
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Oh, of course you'd say something like that, Marge.
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But we've got to give this thing a chance.
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- Ay, caramba.! - That's the spirit.
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" Well, well, well W-W-Well, w-w-well "
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Ah, it's okay. There's no sugar in pixie sticks.
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of the Simpsons and the Flanders.
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- [ Homer ] "Da-na-na, na-na-na-na, na-na " - Mmm.
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[ Groans ] Oh, Lord, please give me the strength...
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Jeers to this rusty tailgate.
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[ Sighs ] No. I-- I-- I mean just the Flanders family.
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- Lies make BabyJesus cry. - [ Sighs ]
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- I'm scared! - [ Crying ]
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[ Siren Blaring ]
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- Oh-- Oof!. - High as a kite, everybody! Goofballs!
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Oh, don't worry, Ned. This is a house of love and forgiveness.
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- [ Moans ] - That's beautiful. We appreciate the kisses.
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Let's sacrifice him to our God!
Aired 23 years ago - Feb 24, 1994

Dejected by a lack of recognition at work, Homer makes a crank call to NASA and winds up being chosen to ride into space with astronauts.

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That's correct, Tom. The lion's share of this flight will be devoted...
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- Now let's look at the crew a little. - They're a colorful bunch.
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[ Grunts ]
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People, we're in danger of losing our funding.
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The public see our astronauts as clean-cut, athletic go-getters.
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Oh, no! I've killed Wilson!
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[ Audience Whooping ]
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- [ Homer] Hello, is this NASA? - Yes.
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It was... him!
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Check with the F.B.I.! I have a file! I have a file!
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One of these men will prove space travel is within the reach of the common man.
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Don't you think there is an inherent danger...
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Now, of course, only one of you will be chosen to go into space.
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Meet me up in that tree later, and I'll tell you more.
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First I was nervous, then anxious, then wary...
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Barney ''Let's Crash the Rocket Into the White House and Kill the President'' Gumble.
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There once was a man from Nantucket, who-- [ Shouting, Groaning ]
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[ Panting ]
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Gentlemen, I'd like you to meet the two experienced astronauts...
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[ Clearing Throat ] I, uh, don't think this contest is over yet, Buzz...
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Gentlemen, you've both worked very hard.
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It begins! [ Shouts ]
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De fault, de fault, de-- [ Shouts ]
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[ Shouts ]
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[ Whimpering ]
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- Homer, you already dialed. - Oh.
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And then when I got there, they told me he just left.
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[ Man On P.A.] T-minus three minutes till liftoff and counting.
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- Children's letters to God. - Check.
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- Go, Dad, go! - How doth the hero...
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[ Homer ] It's beautiful.
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"[''Blue Danube Waltz'']
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- [ Shouting Continues ] - [ Chittering Continues ]
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- How ya doin', fellas? - With all due respect, Mr. Taylor...
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"When you're down and troubled "
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We'rejust about to get our first pictures from inside the spacecraft...
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conquered, if you will-- by a master race of giant space ants.
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I can be helpful in rounding up others...
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" Talking about things to come "
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Oh, my God.! The ants are shorting out our navigation system.!
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But I'm sure you high-tech NASA people could care less about our resort-town ways.
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[ Shouting ]
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That's it! If I go, I'm taking you to hell with me.
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Hmm. And I'll bash you good!
Aired 23 years ago - Feb 17, 1994

Lisa is shocked to find that her new Malibu Stacy doll reinforces negative stereotypes of women. With Smithers' help, Lisa tracks down the original creator of Malibu Stacy and convinces her to market a new doll that's a better role model for girls.

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complete with Deathbringer missiles that really launch.
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[ Groaning ]
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- " One, two, three o'clock four o'clock rock " - "[ Piano ]
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Look! Achy Breaky Stacy for $1 .99!
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- [ Screaming ] Get him! - Help! Mr. Weiss!
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- Thanks for buyin' us these toys, Grampa. - Bah!
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The president is a demi-crat.!
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- [ Screams ] - [ Bangs, Rings ]
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I guess I am an old crank.
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Holy smokes! That's it!
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to deliver what will no doubt be a stirring and memorable address.
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Don't ask me. I'm just a girl! [ Giggles ]
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-Just what I was gonna say. - [ Growls, Grunts ]
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[ Groaning ] Don't you people see anything wrong with what Malibu Stacy says?
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They cannot keep making dolls like this.
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And we can't watch Fox, 'cause they own those chemical weapon plants in Syria.
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Now let's forget our troubles with a big bowl of strawberry ice cream!
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If you've given Malibu Stacy a haircut and need to order a replacement head, press two.
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Welcome to Enchantment Lane, where all the parts come together...
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Leroy! Get your ass in gear.
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The dream? To mass-market a fashion doll that was also edible.
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Hello, Malibu Stacy collectors. I'll see you...
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- If you have any questions, I'd be happy to answer-- - I have one.
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- Oh, you. Get away! [ Chuckles ] - Ah, don't act like you don't like it.
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invent... me...
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Do we sell French... fries?
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Here, I'm writing an article on her for my next Malibu Stacy newsletter.
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I'd like to talk to you about Malibu Stacy?
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- But what do you expect me to do? - Change what she says.
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I'd be mortified if someone ever made a lousy product with the Simpson name on it.
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But if you can learn from Malibu Stacy's mistakes, so can everyone.
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We need some more secret sauce! Put this mayonnaise in the sun.
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- [ Biting Sound ] - [ Man ] Ow.!
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And to top it off, the down-to-earth good looks of Eleanor Roosevelt.
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- Release me from your kung fu grip. - Fine.
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Look, little girl. We got other talking dollies to record today.
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[ Car Door Closing, Tires Screeching ]
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How 'bout Minerva, after the Roman goddess of wisdom?
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Hello! Pay attention to me. Look at me!
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Gentlemen, we've got to sink this Lisa Lionheart doll and fast.
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- [ Lisa ] Dad, did you hear something? - I don't know.
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- Talk about the dolly! - Well, you were right about the Berlin Wall.
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Oh, and the president was arrested for murder. More on that tomorrow night.
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- [ Chattering ] - You know a good place?
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Aired 23 years ago - Feb 10, 1994

Fired for selling tainted meat to Homer, Apu tries to make amends to the Simpsons, and Homer joins him in a pilgrimage to Kwik-E-Mart headquarters in India.

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Now, coming up next, ''The Case of the Cantankerous Old Geezer.''
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- And now a message from the Church of Latter-day Saints. - [ Barking ]
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- Would you be willing to wear a hidden camera and microphone? - Oh, that I'll wear.
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[ Groaning ]
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Your headgear seems to be emitting a buzzing noise, sir.
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" La la la la la " Well, time to replenish the hot-dog roller.
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Now, let's-- Mr. Simpson?
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[ Panicked Shouting ]
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- You can no longer wear this name patch. - [ Gasps ]
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Oh! Fired after all these years of loyal service.
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Even this babbling brook sounds almost like mocking laughter.
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[ Nasally ] Yeah, but white guys, see, they drive a car like this. " [ Scatting ]
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Aah!
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In my village, this is the traditional pose of apology.
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I'm selling only the concept of karmic realignment.
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If he wants to make it up to you so badly, I think you should let him.
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I can see through time.
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Because I like people, and I need a place where I'll be out of the sun.
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For instance, True Believer. I actually worked in a law firm for two months.
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Relax, please. You do not have anything I have not seen before.
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Yeah! Delicious corn.
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Just a reminder that we love each and every one of you.
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It's all happening again! [ Sobbing, Screaming ]
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Uh, Mrs. Simpson, the express line is the fastest line not always.
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I set the toaster to three-- medium brown.
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You gotta lose yourself in the moment, man.
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If it weren't for him, we'd still be in line at the Monstromart.
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I feel that way too. You see, whether igloo, hut or lean-to...
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" Marge with hair by Frank Lloyd Wright "
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"Who needs the Kwik-E-Mart "
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" Good-bye to Kwik-E-Mart "
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And we've all found happiness, every one of us.
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" I do "
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- I must go to the head office and appeal my case. - I'm coming with you!
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- That's over 1 6,000 kilometers. - D'oh!
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-Are we in India yet? - No.
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Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Mm-hmm.
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Why, you damn, frickin', no good mother-- [ Beeping ] cheese!
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[ Man On P.A.] Attention, passengers. Dinner is now being sered in the dining car.
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of Kwik-E-Mart, and in Ohio, Stop-O-Mart.
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Yes. I hope this has been enlightening for you.
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- [ Growling ] - [ Gagging ]
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Do you mind? I'm not in the mood.
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I'm going to go down to the Kwik-E-Mart, and I am going to face my demon!
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And my scum bucket with flies.
Aired 23 years ago - Feb 03, 1994

Working as Krusty the Clown's assistant, Bart accidentally steals the limelight by blurting an instant catchphrase: "I didn't do it." But when he tries to capitalize on his fifteen minutes of fame, the fans are fickle.

Recap of The Simpsons Season 5 Episode 12 (S05E12) - 1
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[ Man ] The story ofhow two brothers and fve other men...
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Many interesting and important things have been put into boxes over the years.
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Oh, we don't assemble them here. That's done in Flint, Michigan.
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Yes, but with one important difference.
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- [ All Groaning ] - Oh, man.
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I gotta get out of here. Aha!
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One! Two! Three!
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- What's the matter, luv? - It's just-- It's-It's the same, old, tired gags, isn't it?
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He might have fallen into one of these machines!
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- All the Danishes are gone. - They're not gone.
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Yoink?
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Great! Uh, he didn't touch it, did he?
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- I got you that Danish. - And I'll never forget it.
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I want you to wash it. You're my new assistant.
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Ay, chihuahua.! Whoa, whoa, whoa!
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Oh, it sounds like you really learned something on your field trip.
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I've got a weekend job helping the poor, and I'm only eight.
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Why not? I remember my first after-school job.
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- Buzz off, Giuseppe. - Pepe, go for the face!
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Gig, Son. When you're a musician, a job is called a gig.
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Right in here, boy. If it-- Ooh!
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a certain kind of soft drink has been found to be lethal.
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Why,you little rapscallion--
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I am waiting for a-- Whoa!
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Oh, man. It's a miracle we got through that one.
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He's mine! I own him and all the subsidiary rights!
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[ Laughter, Applause ]
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- [ Alarm Sounding ] - I didn't do it.
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Help! Help!
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But inside, it's mostly about Ross Perot...
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I didn't do it.
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See the boy-- five dollars. Or call him 2 4 hours a day on BartChat.
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- Like what? - Oh, somethin' stupid like Bart would say.
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"[ Theme ]
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- We'll be right back. - "[ Theme ]
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- Hey! - Farrah Fawcett-Majors- O'Neal-Varney...
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Hi, everybody! Let's start the game! [ Hisses ]
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[ All ] Huh?
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You're right, Mom. I shouldn't let this bother me.
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Where is that lousy little pisher?
Aired 23 years ago - Jan 06, 1994

When a cat burglar prowls Springfield, Homer forms a citizens' watch group that winds up breaking more laws than they protect. When the cat burglar sets his sights on the world's biggest cubic zirconia, a clue comes from an unexpected source.

Recap of The Simpsons Season 5 Episode 11 (S05E11) - 1
Hey, the burglar left his calling card.
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Good Lord! My Stormin' Norman commemorative plates stolen! Again.
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Hey, look, Chief!. It's pointing right at this police station.
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So, Professor, would you say it's time for everyone to panic?
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Well, as you can see, when the burglar trips the alarm...
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Cool! High-tech security system.
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Ow! Oh. My cataracts are gone.
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- Abe, can I borrow your ointment? - Oh, it's you, Malloy.
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Be home before dark, and make sure you're not followed.
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Hee-hee! [ Laughing ] Whee! Whoa-ho-ho!
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I don't know how, but I'll figure out something.
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Since the police can't seem to get off their duffaroonies...
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- Someone else! - [ All ] Yea!
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- You should do it. - You're the man, man.
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And a fine job you did too.
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Hmm. Mm-hmm.
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[ Grunts ] So, wedding, huh?
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[Jet Engine Roaring ]
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Whaa-ha-ha-ho!
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You know, push people around, make ourselves feel big.
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Return to your homes and places of businesses.
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Let me check my reason list. Yep, it's on here.
Recap of The Simpsons Season 5 Episode 11 (S05E11) - 27
And as for your grandma, she shouldn't have mouthed off like that!''
Recap of The Simpsons Season 5 Episode 11 (S05E11) - 28
but we've also expanded into other important areas.
Recap of The Simpsons Season 5 Episode 11 (S05E11) - 29
that petty vandalism such as graffiti is down 80%...
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Uh... Marge?
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unless you want to taunt me more by giving me an approximate time.
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- Hey! - We're on our break!
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You'd like to get in here, wouldn't you?
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- ## [ Rhythmic Tones ] - Oh, this doesn't work anymore.
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No, actually I fell down at the Big Boy.
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Wait! Where are you going? Come back. I'll tell you.
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for sneaking!
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There was something strange about the way he walked.
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So, Mr. Malloy, it seems that the cat has been caught...
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So, you see, old people aren't so useless after all.
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- Selma, my dear, your lock of MacGyver's hair. - Ohh.
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and although I have stolen your material goods...
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That reminds me. Here's your monthly kickback.
Recap of The Simpsons Season 5 Episode 11 (S05E11) - 49
Where'd you hide the loot, Malloy?
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- I will also go home... for sleep. - [ All Shouting ]
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We need more information.

When gambling is legalized in Springfield, Mr. Burns opens an extravagant casino on the waterfront. Meanwhile, Bart opens a casino in his treehouse. Burns becomes a germ-phobic recluse and Homer must tear Marge away from the slot machines.

Recap of The Simpsons Season 5 Episode 10 (S05E10) - 1
eight panics and five years of McKinleynomics.
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- I'm Bart. - Give me those.
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I haven't been able to find a job in six years.
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This piggy bank contains $1 5 I saved from my allowance.
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- People! People! Let's be a little more realistic. - [ Snoring Continues ]
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Well, now. Are there any objections?
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- [ Yelping ] - [ Giggling ]
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Gentlemen, I give you Britannia!
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I'll need three ships and 50 stout men.
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You enjoy orange juice. Old people like you.
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- " [ ''Oh! Susanna'' ] - [ AudienceJeering ]
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If there's anything I can do to make your visit more enjoyable, please let me know.
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Yee-haw! Homer...
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I want some of that sweet, sweet do-re-mi!
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Ow! Ooh! Ow! Ooh!
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Hey, tiger! Wake up!
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Hmm, I wonder if they have a lost and found.
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Hey, how's it goin'? Hey! Good to see you. Tell your friends.
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[ Screeching ]
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Except microscopic germs.
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- Whoa! A baby on the table! That's good luck! - [ All ] Yea!
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- [ Roaring ] - [ Grunts ]
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Wow! Free beer!
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" Banana-fana, fo-ferpes Herpes, oh "
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You're just mad because everyone in this town loves gambling except for you!
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Okay. We're required by law to ask every 7 5 hours. Get her another free drink.
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- There's nothing to eat for breakfast! - You gotta improvise, Lisa.
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[ Grunting ]
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from New York's Idlewild Airport to the Belgian Congo in 1 7 minutes!
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You nail the windows shut. I'll get the gun.
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-Just a little incident involving the bogeyman! - [ Gunshot ]
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- Thanks, Mom. - Mmm.
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Hmm. Very well. Begin the thawing ofJim Nabors.
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Dad! Mom said she'd be home to help me with my costume.
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First I have to drive your pregnant mother to the hospital...
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[ Gasps ] I'm not a state!
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Damn this casino!
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[ Grunting ]
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- And get these Kleenex boxes off my feet! - Certainly, sir.
Aired 23 years ago - Dec 09, 1993

Homer struggles with his attraction to new coworker Mindy, a beautiful engineer whose love for doughnuts is equal to his own.

Recap of The Simpsons Season 5 Episode 9 (S05E09) - 1
Well, sir, I won't bore you with the details of our miraculous escape...
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Smithers, where does that tube go?
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It's been a very lean year for us.
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Agent Wesson, Department of Labor.
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For starters, you can reverse your sexist employment policies and hire at least one woman.
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You do have insurance, don't you?
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Hmm. That scalp's a little dry. Better see our dermatologist.
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[ Altered Voice ] Oh, thanks, nice lady.
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Yeah-- I mean, that--
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Homer, what's the matter?
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- Have a good night, Homer. - You too.
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Yeah. That Mindy seems real nice.
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- [ Shouting ] - [ Kids Screaming ]
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See, I got this friend named JoeyJo-JoJunior Shabadoo.
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Talk to the woman and you'll realize you have nothing in common.
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Uh, I think we'll find we have very little in common.
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But you know what I hate? Drinking beer and watching TV.
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[ Thinking ] Think unsexy thoughts. Think unsexy thoughts. Think unsexy thoughts.
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[ Chuckles ]
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- [ Groans ] - Hi, Dad.
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- [ TV Off] - Oh, that's sweet. [ Sniffling ]
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Did fooling around on their wives make them great?
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Examine your scalp for ringworm.
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- I'm not actually Colonel Klink. I'm just assuming his form. - [ Chuckles ]
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[ Both Grunting ]
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-[ Man ] Madam President, your approval rating is soaring. -[ Marge ] Mmm.
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[ Panting ] Whoa!
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A place where we can work on our extra-credit assignments...
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" Oh, Mindy, you came and you gave without flaking "
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- [ Thinking ] Bravo. - [ Lone Clapping ]
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- Hi, Homer. - Mindy! Uh-- [ Clears Throat ]
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That's exactly the teamwork we'd like to showcase at this year's energy convention.
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Wow! Capital City!
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[ Barking, Howling ]
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- Mindy? - Homer?
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No, Homer. Let's do it. Let's call room service!
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[ Screaming ]
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Good news, honey. Two weeks are up.
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- " [ Humming ] - Let's get-- Huh?
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[ Chattering ]
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Homer Simpson and Mindy Simmons.
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What's the point? I can't fight fate.
Aired 23 years ago - Nov 18, 1993

After a reckless Squishee bender with Milhouse, Bart wakes to the shocking realization that he joined the Junior Campers. Lured by pocketknives and knot-tying lessons, Bart assimilates into the group but then must face the father-son rafting trip.

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Oh, sir, such a thing has never been done.
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[ Coughs ] Whoa! That's good Squishy.
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Let's go crazy Broadway-style!
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- New York is thataway, man. - Thanks, kid.
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[ Groaning ]
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- [ Whimpers ] - The few, the proud, the geeky.
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I wandered into a Junior Camper recruitment center, but what's done is done.
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Weaseling out of things is important to learn.
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[ Gasps ] What is it with you kids and that word?
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Ha! Take out a sheet of paper. Books under your desks.
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- Ha-ha! - Enjoy your test.
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- [ Shrieks, Yelps ] - [ Thuds On Floor]
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Well, sir,just apply a smidgen of peanut butter to an ordinary pine cone...
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You're not allowed to handle a pocketknife...
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[ Whimpering ] Down I go.
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[ Bullies Laughing ]
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- Thank the knife. - [ Crowd Cheering ]
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- Homer.! -Just tucking him in.
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[ Yowling ]
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- Oh, Bart. Cartoons don't have to be 1 00% realistic. - " [ Homer Humming ]
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- What an oaf. - How embarrassing.
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[ Laughing ] Hiya!
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Huh? D'oh!
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[ Thinking ] Wait! Are you sure that's how this sort of thing works?
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It'll be fun. I promise.
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Okeydokey. Everybody find a partner. Two dads to a raft.
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But lucky for you, somebody here is responsible.
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- [ Grunting ] - [ All Screaming ]
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and let the current take you back to land.
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- Give me some water to wash 'em. - Again?
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Well, at least Ned is trying. What are you doing to help?
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- [ All Shouting, Indistinct ] - [ Homer] Let go of my hand!
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I keep telling you, lady. Your husband and son have to be missing for a week...
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- to be... safe... than... sorry. - Dodilly--
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You'll thank me when we're fryin' up a big,juicy fish.
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[ Roaring ]
Aired 23 years ago - Nov 11, 1993

Bart heckles the guru at a self-help seminar, and the man presents him to the audience as a role model for their "inner child." But when the whole town tries to "be like Bart," things start to fall apart.

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Kids, kids. Once you get hurt, move aside and let other people jump.
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If this were a cartoon, the cliff would break off now.
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- Checkmate, Mr. Trampoline. - [ Whirring ]
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Dad. Dad?
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[ Dolph ] Shh.! Quiet. You'll wake up old man Simpson.
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- That's not true. - Name one thing you've done in the past month that was fun.
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You should've called. I was very worried.
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I'm going to my sisters' now.
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- [ Applause ] - Thank you, Martha Quinn.
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[ Reading List ]
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Well, now I'm here to tell you about the only real path to mental health.
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[ Loud Gulp ] Ahh! Sweet liquor eases the pain.
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- [ Applause ] - Folks, I'm often asked about my qualifications.
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My God, it's like you've known me all my life.
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I just enable your life-script.
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Marge, I'm feeling a lot of shame right now.
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- I, uh, can't commit to a relationship. - I'm too nice.
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Your inner child.
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Principal Skinner, let's try some rage work.
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I'm a grown man now, and I can run my own life.!
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you're a human doing.
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- [ Snorts ] Earth to boring guy. - [ Laughter]
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This is really remarkable. Here we have a man with an obvious eating disorder...
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Rudiger. And if we can all be more like little Rudiger--
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People, I am excited.
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-Just the ladies. - Be like boy! Be like boy!
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And how. [ Laughs ]
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Of course, all these good vibes can be traced to one feisty little scamp...
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- " [ Discordant ] - Wait. Wait. I can do this.
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- [ Laughing ] - Ah, good one, Milhouse.
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- Aw, man! - [ All Spitting ]
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I see.
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Springfield will have its first annual Do What You Feel Festival this Saturday...
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Park anywhere. I'm not gonna lay any rule trip on you today.
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and I'm really enjoying this so-called ''iced cream.''
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I'm sweating. Let's ride through the car wash.
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- Yea! - Arr!
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" Good God I knew that I would, hah "
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- I didn't feel like it. - Hey. I hear you, buddy.
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- You two screwed up royal. - You know, I really don't feel like being blamed.
Aired 23 years ago - Nov 04, 1993

When Marge has a girls' night out with a new neighbor, they wind up roaring toward a cliff in a Thelma-and-Louise-style car chase.

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Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just give me the serum.
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Hmm?
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[ Grunting ]
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Mmm. Candy.
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- [ Snorts ] That's girl stuff. -[ Doorbell Rings ]
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"[ Continues ]
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[ Laughs, Stops ] Oh, you were serious.
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Mmm, convenient.
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[ Groans ] Well, you were unlucky.
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''Mrs. Simpson: While we were rescuing your husband, a lumberyard burned down.''
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Homer, please. You know it's hard for me to make friends.
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- A little show called Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman? - [ Groans ]
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"Sunshine, lollipops and rainbows ev--"
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Don't worry. You'll feel better once we put your hair up in curlers...
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Hey, Dad, I think state and federal laws require us to have a babysitter.
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You kids do need a babysitter.
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- my fee is $1 7 5 an hour. - We pay eight dollars for the night...
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[ Grunts ] How come no one else's chair is doing this?
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Oh, I completely misunderstood. Please accept our apologies.
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you should try one of these smart drinks. [ Laughs ]
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Ooh, Jet. Whoo-hoo! It's Garrett Morris's birthday.
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My husband, on the other hand.
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Well, it's getting late. Maybe we should call it a night.
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[ Grunts ] Come on, Marge. It's fun to smash things.
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There's an awful lot of black smoke coming from my chimney.
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Ah, young love.
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Ah, there's nothing like moonshine from your own still.
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Looks like we got ourselves an old-fashioned car chase.
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"The rain clouds disappear dear and I feel so fine "
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- Marge, you're the levelheaded friend I never had. - [ Groans ]
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She's become a crazed criminal just because I didn't take her to the ballet.
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- [ Groans ] - Marge, there's no reason for you to get dragged into this.
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There are ghost cars all over these highways, you know.
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But you gotta admit, we did have some fun.
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This cross-country flight from the law would be hell if we didn't stick together.
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- [ Siren Blaring ] - You stupid kid!
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- [ Snoring ] - [ Grunts ]
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- [ Man On Radio ] All right. Your current location? - Oh. Uh, I'm a--
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The suspects have been identified as Ruth Powers and Marge Simpson of Springfield.
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leading to anarchy of biblical proportions.
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My God! That must be every policeman in Springfield.
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No, Marge. You did it. We really are gonna make it now.
Aired 23 years ago - Oct 28, 1993

In "The Devil and Homer Simpson," Homer sells his soul for a doughnut. Next, in the Twilight Zone spoof "Terror at 5 1/2 Feet," everyone doubts Bart's sanity when he's the only one to see a gremlin sabotaging the school bus. In "Bart Simpson's Dracula," the family turns into vampires, and Lisa sends Homer to the Burns mansion in an attempt to kill the head vampire. MORE -LESS

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I'll see you in hell yet, Homer Simpson!
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Mmm! Forbidden doughnut.
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Your wide behind won't save you this time. Hey, Bart.
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More. Mmm!
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The sound wasn't on, but I think I got the gist of it.
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Agreed. Number two: The jury will be chosen by me.
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John Wilkes Booth. Blackbeard the Pirate.John Dillinger.
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Arr! This chair be high, says I.
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- [ Murmuring ] - That was a right pretty speech, sir.
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My debauchery was my way of compensatin'.
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[ Groans ]
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[ Homer Chewing ]
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The next exhibit in our ghoulish gallery is entitled--
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Hmm. He seems to be running a little low on ideas.
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I just had a vision of my own horrible, fiery death.
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Hello, Simpson. I'm riding the bus because Mother hid my car keys...
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If I lean over, I leave myself open to wedgies, wet willies...
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- You're deceptive. - I don't see anything.
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[ Grunting ]
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[ Groaning ]
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Sweet, trustworthy Milhouse.
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Would you like another lick of my flavor wax?
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[ Groans ]
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- Hey, boy! - [ Horn Blaring ]
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Gadzooks!
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[ Shrieks ] They're dogs, and they're playing poker!
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[ Kent Brockman On TV] Another local peasant has been found dead...
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No, no, they're wrong! The creature they seek is the walking undead.
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to buy the Springfield Blood Bank.
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Ah, fresh victims for my ever-growing army of the undead.
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Dad, do you notice anything strange?
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Whoops. Bart and I have to go wash up.
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- Satisfied? - Big deal.
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Nyung, nyung, nyung, nyung!
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- [ Growling ] - [ Screaming ]
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Hello, Mother. Hello, Father.
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Lisa, it's not like you have a choice here.
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Homer, we gotta do something. Today, he's drinking people's blood.
Aired 23 years ago - Oct 21, 1993

Mr. Burns pines away for Bobo, his beloved childhood teddy bear and symbol of lost innocence. When the bear turns up in Maggie's possession, the resulting tug of war affects the whole town.

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Ow! Ow! Ow! Missed me. Heh-heh! Ow!
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Homer Simpson, sir, one of the carbon blobs from Sector 7G.
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I'm writing a delicious send-up of Mr. Burns for his birthday party.
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Well, I also do a delightful impression of him. [ Chuckling ]
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- [ Laughing] Incontinent! - [ Laughing ]
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Hey, Flanders! You smell like manure!
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Get away from me, loser.
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- Oh, Bobo. - Hmm.
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- Oh, sir, those aren't-- - Do as I say!
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I said, ''Are you ready to laugh?''
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Here's an impression of Mr. Burns that you might find a little cheeky.
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Yes'm. Dad, I know you're discouraged...
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- Yes, yes, yes. So what? - You want your bear, Bobo, don't you?
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I'd give anything to know what happened to him.
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[ Men Grunting ]
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Now, find my teddy. Oh, and, uh, leave the costume.
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It could be right in front of your face as I'm saying this, waggling back and forth...
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- But it is programmed to be just as cuddly. Ah, doggone it. - [ Beeping ]
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Wait. The bear-- Burns's bear.
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" Pickles, onions on a sesame-seed bun "
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- He'll pay more money if he thinks the bear's in danger. - Yes, we'll send the eye.
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- I promise I'll never leave you behind again. - [ Clears Throat ]
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[ Thinking ] Reject the first offer. Reject the first offer.
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Maybe I can still get that drink.
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- good ones, not the leper ones. - Done! Now give me that bear!
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Give me the bear.
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- You've made a mistake, Simpson. - [ Growling ]
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[ Clicking ]
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- [ Suction Cups Pop ] - [ Burns Grunts ] - Wha--
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Ow! Ow! After lunch, can I whip you?
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You came through for your daughter when she needed you the most.
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- Two plus two is four. - [ Laughs ]
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- [ Remote Control Clicks ] - [ Chuckles ] El yoy├│ es grande.
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All beer trucks heading toward Springfield have been diverted.
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- Homer, give him what he wants! - [ Hammer Cocking ]
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- Look, fellas. The first snapdragon of the season. - Never mind!
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Ah, it's about the same. Uh-oh! Look out, Smithers!
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- What have we become? - We've given the word ''mob'' a bad name.
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Aired 23 years ago - Oct 14, 1993

Burns discovers that Homer is grossly unqualified to be a nuclear safety inspector, so Homer enrolls at Springfield University to study nuclear physics. While there, Homer befriends three nerds and instigates a prank that gets them expelled.

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Burns, this is a big problem. You just can't throw money at it and make it go away.
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dropping the charges.
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- [ All Murmuring ] - Yes, he would.
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Actually, sir, we found the jade monkey.
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It was the most I ever threw up, and it changed my life forever.
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As you know, I am the president of the United States.
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Cory!
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Homie, here are the responses from the colleges you applied to.
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- You don't know, do you? - No, ma'am.
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Well, you know, fellas, I look at the admissions board a lot like a baseball team.
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[ Grunting Continues ]
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" I am so smart I am so smart "
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Hey!
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Hi there. Hello. I'm Dean Peterson, but you can call me Bobby.
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[ Laughing Loudly ]
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Then kiss my curvy butt good-bye.
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Yeah, but this is what they're doing on campus.
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but I worked in a nuclear power plant for 1 0 years...
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We simply feel you might benefit with a little outside tutoring.
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We are the knights who say ''Ni!''
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Really? But nerds are my mortal enemy.
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You'll never pass this course if you don't know the periodic table.
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I'm gonna show you the true meaning of college.
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Mr. Simpson, Gary spilled his ear medicine.
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[ Giggling ] The dean will go nuts.
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So it's a prank you're looking for, is it?
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And here he is rolling in his own filth.
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- [ Squeals ] - Look, you pull its tail straight...
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- Why, you little-- - Mr. Simpson, stop!
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Don't worry, Mr. Simpson. We can take care of ourselves.
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- [ Loud Beeping ] - [ Groans ]
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Oh, I heard about this. This is the one where Scratchy finally gets Itchy.
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- Plug it in! Plug it in! - What, the rock tumbler or the TV?
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Dad, start digging some nerd holes.
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is an even zanier scheme!
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Okay, guys. We push him out of the way in exactly three seconds.
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Well, I'm touched by your honesty.
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Oh, it's good to be back after all these weeks.
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So, in conclusion, good luck on tomorrow's big final exam.
Aired 23 years ago - Oct 07, 1993

When Bart receives death threats from newly paroled Sideshow Bob, the family goes into the Witness Relocation Program and starts a new life on a houseboat on Terror Lake.

Recap of The Simpsons Season 5 Episode 2 (S05E02) - 1
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Ahh!
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Bart, what's wrong with you?
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after Bart somehow put this tattoo on my butt.
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I say we call Matlock. He'll find the culprit.
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Oh, I checked around. The girls are calling you ''fatty-fat fat fat''...
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with a message: ''I am coming to kill you slowly and painfully.''
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since I'm saving so much money on diet cola.
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Maude, these new finger razors make hedge trimming as much fun as sitting through church.
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I'm afraid there's no law against mailing threatening letters.
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- Boys, knock it off. - [ All Grumbling ]
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No, no, I'll take care of it.
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A funny thing happened to me--
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Next up for parole, Bob Terwilliger,
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- [ All Laughing ] - Oh, now I get it.
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[ Woman Clears Throat ]
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and sent me to this dank, urine-soaked hellhole?
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[ Laughing, Murmuring ]
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[ Sideshow Bob.: Exaggerated Laughter ]
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- [ Toilet Flushes ] - [ Laughing ]
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- Oh, no! - Wait a minute. That's no good.
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Now Sideshow Bob can't get in without me knowing.
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The following neighborhood residents...
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Eh-- Oh.
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[ Announcer ] Elway takes the snap and runs it in for a touchdown.!
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Clean as a whistle. Sharp as a thistle.
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[ Groans ] Now, when I say, ''Hello, Mr. Thompson''...
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- Here you go. - Oh, what a cute convertible.
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- " Everything is a source of fun " - " [ Laughing ]
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Hey, kids, wanna drive through that cactus patch?
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you can just pull up the anchor and sail someplace else.
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[ Grumbles ]
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Relax, Marge. I tied up all the loose ends before we left.
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[ Wolves Howling ]
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[ Grunting, Groaning ]
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Roman numeral three: Surprise boy in bed--
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- [ Loudly ] Bart, you want some brownie before you go to bed? - [ Screams ]
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Oh, I'm sorry, boy.
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- Oh, no, Dad's been drugged. - No, he hasn't.
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- [ Electrical Charges ] - Oh!
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Well, you have such a beautiful voice.
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"And our saucy ship's a beauty "
Aired 23 years ago - Sep 30, 1993

Through flashbacks, Homer recalls the dizzying rise and fall of his Beatles-esque barbershop quartet. The Be Sharps reunite for one last concert on the roof of Moe's Tavern.

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[ Voice Resonating ] Still fts.
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- Stradi-''who''-vius? - [ Strings Break ]
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Melvin and the Squirrels. Part of the rodent invasion of the early '60s.
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I'm surprised you don't remember, son.
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- [ Laughing ] - Who cares?
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[ Harmonizing ] " Hello "
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Barbershop? That ain't been popular since aught-six, dag-nab it!
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And that something was barbershop.
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- " Never to see you any-- " - " Never gonna see you any "
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"[ Organ ]
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[ Gasps ] Oh, my stars!
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Homer, I'm a theatrical agent. I want to represent your group.
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- [ Brakes Screech ] - Run along, boy. You're free now.
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It is a great dishonor to my ancestors and my god, but okay.
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- Get off the stage! - I want to, but I can't.!
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" From a summer place "
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Good Lord! Doctor Doolittle is Chief Wiggum.
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- Such a voice. - Who is that?
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Sure! Why not? Now whar's me toothpick?
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" Sweet Adeline "
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Barney forever! Wiggum never!
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Only one question remains, gentlemen. What do we call ourselves?
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Oh, you're all under arrest.
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- [ Tire Blows ] - D'oh!
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" Baby on board "
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" On board "
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Well, if I explain it to Marge that way, I'm sure she'll understand.
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" [ Guitar Strums ]
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And that little boy who nobody liked grew up to be...
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Aw, squiddy, I got nothing against ya.
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Yeah, but I'm not gonna let it change our lives.
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[ Women Screaming ]
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" Good-bye my Coney Island babe "
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She's 1 00 years old, and she weighs over 200 tons.
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- [ Drum Roll ] - And the Grammy for outstanding soul, spoken word...
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[ Homer's Voice ] Then came the greatest thrill of my life.
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Oh, man.
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Oh, it's a Grammy.
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They took the foam off the market because they found out it was poisonous.
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But we were about to learn an iron law of show business.
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" For all the latest medical poop "
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- And where's Barney? - Oh, he's with his new girlfriend...
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So, how did you spend your summer?
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I'd like a single plum floating in perfume, served in a man's hat.