Aired 22 years ago - May 21, 1995
In Part I of this two-part suspense story, Mr. Burns' evil schemes go too far. When Burns winds up shot, everyone is a suspect.
Aired 22 years ago - May 14, 1995
The simmering rivalry between Springfield and a neighboring town heats up when Shelbyville kids steal Springfield's prized lemon tree.
When it comes to catching trout,
nothing beats the German light infantry.
- Why don't you make me.
- I don't make trash, I burn it.
- We invented that. Copycat.
- You copied us.
Look at the weak little baby.
You're stupid, you stupid, weak baby.
You'll pay for that, Springfield.
On this site, we shall build a new town,
where we can worship freely...
- Absolutely not.
- I tell you...
No, children. No.
You mean going to Shelbyville?
We'll never make it out alive.
And now, I am going to teach
some kids a lesson.
To step out of childhood
and become men.
Here's a tip.
Put a pinch of sage in your boots...
What is it, boy? Is there something
behind that wall we should beat up?
- Nelson, that leaves you and Martin.
- Team Discovery Channel.
But if they show up in the morgue,
he's gonna fax us.
Marge, you can't blame all of Bart's
problems on your one little speech.
I got an RV we can use.
Where'd you get the lemons
for this lemonade?
- What are they saying?
- I'm not sure.
Wait a minute.
We're going up to the bluffs to paint
"Springfield sucks" in huge letters.
...is what the kid would say.
To the bluffs.
Yes. And that wig makes him look
a lot like one of the Beatles.
I could sure use
that flying motorcycle now.
Milhouse, what's seven
in Roman numerals?
A pain I know all too well.
Where have you seen
Roman numerals before?
This whole raid was as useless as that
yellow, lemon-shaped rock over there.
- Running away from home like this.
- But they stole our lemon tree.
- You must stupider than you look.
- Stupider like a fox!
Now, if you'll excuse me,
all this talk has made me hungry.
There's got to be a way
to get that tree back.
Aired 22 years ago - May 07, 1995
After Marge helps catch a petty criminal, the adrenaline rush inspires her to join the Springfield Police Department. Marge experiences feelings of power and authority that she's never known before, but police corruption makes her question her newfound calling.
Marge, are you okay?
Hey, Mom. Is this how you caught him?
Strange. Regular ham
doesn't thrill me anymore.
You think you're pretty hot, huh?
Well, we got everything we need on you.
Cool! Will you bring me along
when you do evictions?
You'll always be
the man of this house.
Hey, I told you, you don't get your gun
until you tell me your name.
Women always have trouble
with the wall.
Mom, if someone shot at the mayor,
would you have to take the bullet?
Oh, Marge. One squirt
and you're south of the border.
When they fry up a fresh batch,
call it in.
Yes, of course you don't.
Don 't you think for one minute
you can go on...
...had slashed the pillow.
What are you gonna
do with your day off?
- But, Mom...
- It's for your own safety.
Moe, I've never seen you here before.
That's why it was so funny.
...instead of jamming
people into overcrowded prisons?
I'd go online with them any day.
Homer, you sure it's okay to
smoke Cuban cigars and gamble...
Lx-nay on the Omar-may.
Your house? Your house?
Not that long ago,
you were so much more to me.
Everywhere I look,
someone is breaking the law.
I'm supposed to be working too.
I'm gonna write you a ticket!
What are you gonna do about it?
What are you gonna do, huh?
If that's the worst thing that happens
to you today, consider yourself lucky.
I have nothing more to say to you.
Instead it's been painful and disturbing,
like that movie Police Academy.
No. I'll get it for you, Homer.
- You're late, Herman.
- Surely you don't mind waiting...
...than in a cop's garage,
where no one would suspect a thing?
Not so fast.
These are the people who saw
an overcrowded marketplace...
Aired 22 years ago - Apr 30, 1995
Lisa is reunited with her idol, Bleeding Gums Murphy, but their time together is short-lived. When the jazz legend passes away, a heartbroken Lisa wants to buy his rare album for $500 and play it on the local jazz station as a tribute.
"No teacher shall be held accountable
if Bart Simpson dies."
Budget cuts. They've even got
Groundskeeper Willie teaching French.
Superintendent Chalmers, meet
our new school nurse, Lunchlady Doris.
- Hot dogs! Get your hot dogs here!
Hey, I smell gas.
BART: No thanks to you, Homer.
- Why, you little...
Dr. Hibbert, can I have
my appendix out?
Let me put it this way.
You ever been to the dentist?
He'll be fine.
I've got an older brother
that I'll never see.
I want you to have my saxophone.
Now, a brilliant jazz musician who's
inspired me to do some improv poetry.
MURPHY: I cut my first and only album,
Sax on the Beach.
In '86, when I did a guest shot
on The Cosby Show.
...which gives them the brain damage.
No. Actually, jazz is like
the New Coke.
This just in: Krusty the Clown staged
a press conference today...
What about that little boy who got
appendicitis from eating your cereal?
Krusty, that wasn 't the metal one.
That was a regular Krusty- O.
Come on, let's jam.
Barney, this is a five-minute chip.
It's worth a Pabst.
And with a flute up his nose,
And I'm sure that wherever he is now,
What I'm saying is,
all we have to do...
If it helps,
I believe that after you die...
He's crazy, boys. Get the Taser.
There it is. Death!
...I recommend getting a tattoo.
It preserves the things you love.
we are gathered here today...
But he was a great man.
Lady, he's putting my kids
Ronald Chaporo, trial attorney.
I can't believe it. Five hundred bucks!
Maybe you could get the local
jazz station to do a tribute to him, huh?
Tell me about it.
Just look at our morning guy.
But I need that album to honor
the memory of Bleeding Gums Murphy.
Bart, I can't believe it. But why?
I got the album.
Aired 22 years ago - Apr 16, 1995
A teachers' strike forces the Board of Education to enlist PTA members as substitute teachers. Realizing he preferred the old regime, Bart locks Skinner and Mrs. Krabappel in a room together until they can agree on the contract.
Hey, they're trying to learn for free!
Oh, come on, Edna! We both know
these children have no future!
The only books we have are ones
that were banned by other schools.
- There's not going to be a strike, Bart.
Simpson, I always thought you were
sneaky and manipulative.
Attention, teachers. We're on strike!
I'd like to get down now.
Bart, leave that crowbar here. You know
I don't like you prying and jimmying.
Now, you! Dump 3 tons of sand
onto that Porta-Potty.
Dad, by striking, they're trying
to change management...
...and standardized testing,
my education can only go so far.
Well, we'll show him!
I can play in two weeks.
All this free time. I never thought I'd get
sick of Razor Fight II, The Slashening.
Lisa's becoming very obsessive.
There's something about flying a kite
at night that's so unwholesome.
All right. I'd like to call this meeting
of the PTA to or-diddly-order.
- Yeah, all right!
- Give it to them!
They're gonna raise taxes.
This is a dilly of a pickle.
with superintelligent cyborgs.
Staring at my sandals,
that's a paddling.
Then I just remind myself,
they're trying to teach.
This is one substitute
you're not gonna screw with!
- Mama's boy!
- Teacher's pet! Teacher's pet!
Exhausting. It took the children 40
minutes to locate Canada on the map.
There's no way I'll get into
an Ivy League school now.
Well, then. I guess I'll just have
to get into the crawlspace again.
Mom, I need a dollar.
We've created a diversion.
Aired 22 years ago - Apr 09, 1995
When Santa's Little Helper sires a litter of puppies, Mr. Burns adopts them, secretly scheming to use their pelts to make a fur tuxedo. When Bart and Lisa confront Mr. Burns, he relents and turns the puppies into racing dogs instead.
Well, problem solved.
Don't worry, when they find out
he doesn't have money...
- Two bucks to win on number eight.
You're lucky you got looks, Marge.
This is the end of dog racing.
- But she's not our dog.
- She's yours now.
Okay, you can go out and play.
Hey, boy, you wanna play fetch?
Hey, look. A really small dog
just fell out of Santa's girlfriend.
...hope I wasn't out of line
with that "jerkface" crack.
Are you just putting new newspapers
over the old ones?
We've been thinking about
giving the puppies away.
...and the regional director of the IRS.
...that there's no need for that audit.
- A toast to the Simpsons.
Simpson! See you at reveille,
It'd be nice to have some companionship
when Mother goes out on dates.
Who's gonna have a big enough heart
to take care of 25 puppies?
- My, he certainly took that well.
- A little too well, if you ask me.
I'm dusting for prints.
Maybe Mr. Burns will sell you
one of the 25 he got last night.
Who knows what horrible things he's
doing to those innocent little puppies.
There you are.
- A person. You know who I mean.
- Snoop Doggy Dogg?
Maybe we were wrong about Burns
on this one.
Others hunt for food
See my vest
See my vest
Beret of poodle
On my noodle it shall rest
Like my loafers?
Oh, please, won 't you see my vest?
- No. What are you doing?
- Dogs always land on their feet.
but you're too big for this ride.
Right now, I'll be taking
my puppies back.
Aired 22 years ago - Mar 19, 1995
A fortune teller foresees Lisa's future marriage to an upper-crust Harvard classmate. After a series of embarrassing incidents, Lisa comes to realize that even though her family may not be classy, she loves them the way they are.
The last copy was just signed out by...
- I read faster.
- I read at a 78th-grade level.
Yes. Not for their music
but for their tireless efforts...
- When will the world learn?
- I don't know. I just don't know.
It's good to hear
a boisterous American laugh.
I know you Americans
like everything to be...
Hugh and I are getting married.
...to, you know, well,
keep Dad from ruining it?
Oh, that's great news about Lisa.
My one true love.
Why not have the whole wedding there.
We'll do it on a Monday morning.
There's only one person
I'd wanna bring.
We're invited to the wedding of our
only graduate to read at an adult level.
...poking berries up their noses.
Lisa, I love you so much.
I'm willing to go through anything.
Homer, Bart, Maggie,
company eating rules.
I'm getting out all my aggression
till I go to law school.
Maggie, don't talk
with your mouth full.
we saved your ass in World War II.
I'm trying to play virtual pool.
It's so great to have the whole family
together under one roof.
Now, go to sleep. We have a big day
ahead of us tomorrow.
Mom, I feel kind of funny wearing white.
I mean, Milhouse.
Now I just need something blue.
Wow, Lisa. Looking at you makes me
wanna get married for a third time.
Yes. Yes. That's not too bad.
Since you learned to pin your own
diapers, you've been smarter than me.
...and taught me to be a better person.
But you're also my daughter.
I guess they weren't his cup of tea.
- But you promised my dad you would.
- I was just humoring him.
...on an ironic level, as a novelty,
as camp, as kitsch...
Aired 22 years ago - Mar 05, 1995
Springfield plays host to a film festival. Among the contenders for best film: Barney presents "Pukahontas," a haunting meditation on his alcoholism; Mr. Burns commissions the fawning biography "A Burns for All Seasons"; and Hans Moleman exploits misfortune with "Man Getting Hit by Football."
I'm Marge Simpson,
and I have an idea.
The old person's remarks
will be stricken.
Film festival! Film festival!
And now I give you The Eternal Struggle.
Get off your cloud and save my Todd
...and Leonard Maltin is
the best-looking of them all?
...star of the reprehensible
Now my Woody Allen impression.
How do you sleep at night?
No, my ears are really burning.
I wanted to see inside, so I lit a Q-Tip.
Anyway, we think you'll really enjoy
our quiet little town.
Taxi. To the airport!
Oh, nice to meet you, Marge.
I saw your hair from the plane.
- Hey, man, I really love your show.
Research shows people see you
as something of an ogre.
A slick Hollywood picture
to gloss over my evil rise to power...
Listen, Spielbergo, Schindler and I
are like peas in a pod.
Oh, look, here's my People's Choice
Award. Five Golden Globes...
Marge, do you respect my intelligence?
'Cause if I were an Oscar Mayer wiener
Go ahead, sleep with him. I'll just take
a lock of your hair to remember you by.
Bright Lights, Beef Jerky.
Money gets you one more round
You're out on your ass
Next, they're gonna show my movie.
Is it? Or is it that you girls
can't admit you have a problem?
We did 20 takes,
and that was the best one.
You truly are the king of kings.
Let's just say it moved me
to a bigger house!
Good idea, Marge.
My mind is going a mile a minute.
How many times have
I heard Rex Reed say that?
The award for outstanding
animated short goes to...
Aired 23 years ago - Feb 26, 1995
Homer must turn to his sisters-in-law for a loan. Relishing Homer's degradation, Patty and Selma make him their slave. But when the sisters are caught smoking on the job, Homer reluctantly covers for them, saving their jobs. Meanwhile, Bart is late to sign up for a gym class and must take the only class still open -- ballet.
Must concentrate and work
harder than I've ever worked...
Every person in America now owns one
of these. In many cases, three or four.
Homer, wake up! There's still
a few minutes till our usual bedtime.
And who could forget dear Rat Boy?
It is a gorgeously fabulous day.
"Truant! Truant! Truant!"
They'll all say!
...I'm gonna have to break your legs
- Oh, no. It's P.E. Sign-up day.
- How could you forget?
I understand, Mr. Simpson,
but according to our computer...
...the bank will take your house.
- Good luck finding it.
...wish you would, but probably won't,
final resort to lend me money.
We thought we'd stop by
unexpectedly for dinner.
- What's that supposed to mean?
- It means...
I'm sorry. All we have is Nescafé.
You can start with the corns.
You can either be a fairy or a queen.
It's wide open.
...to be the next Baryshnikov!
- Look, Boris, I think ballet's for sissies.
...we'll stop at Moe's for a Zima.
- Maybe I'll stay and work overtime.
But so many of your heroes
But you're already smoking cig...
Now say, "I am Homer Simpson,
the lowly dog. " In a dog voice!
- Did you borrow money from my sisters?
- I don't know, Marge.
Homer, why didn't you tell me?
- How's Dad today?
- Not too good, Lisa.
Next week, class gives its first recital.
I fear the boys will beat
the snot out of me.
Got no experience?
Step up to elegance.
...the TV series,
which was also called Fame.
I'll be that Carl Reiner guy,
and you be what's-his-face.
I'll never forget
my cave's national anthem.
- Let's see your chauffeur's license.
- Chauffeur's license, eh?
Wow. Officer, this man
is making me a little edgy.
I hate Carl Reiner!
He's a sissy! Let's rush him!
...that can never be erased. From this
day forward, we are kindred spirits.
Sometimes I think God is teasing me,
just like he teased Moses in the desert.
Now, that's sarcasm.
Seat belt twisted. Minus one point.
Aired 23 years ago - Feb 19, 1995
After Bart's prank phone call to Australia goes awry, the Simpsons must fly out to the land down under and apologize to the Australian people. When they discover Bart's penalty will be a kick in the pants, international relations deteriorate.
- Nuisance phone.
We understand drains in your area
Hey, Bart, the bakery caught fire
and all of downtown smells like cookies.
I've returned from the Quilamaguery's
place. They're draining clockwise too.
- No, I'm gonna ask Marge.
- No! No! Why embarrass us both?
Oh, my God! There's nothing wrong
with the bidet, is there?
I said, Bart Simpson!
What kind of company is this?
My name is Bruno Drundridge, right.
Hey, I think I hear
a dingo eating your baby.
Hey, Mr. Prime Minister!
Nothing. Some stupid country
thinks I owe them money.
Bart, did you trick an Australian boy
into accepting a $900 collect call?
Oh, my. Hello. I'm Evan Conover
with the U.S. State Department.
In the late 1980s, the U.S. Experienced
a short-lived infatuation...
Let's pretend we didn't see that.
But as a sign of good faith
to our Australian friends...
You're sure, now?
The prison train is sailing.
- I'm sorry.
It's 6:45 a.m., next Wednesday.
Mr. Conover will meet you
at the Parliament House at 3 p.m.
Of thee I sing
- I get it, Dad.
Hey, give me one of those famous
giant beers I've heard so much about.
I believe he has something to say.
Well, you're free to go, Bart...
So help me God, I'll boot him!
So like us,
let your children run wild and free...
I'll stop them.
Yeah. There's a lot more mucus.
That seems very noisy and expensive
for a souvenir.
They're like kangaroos.
But they're reptiles, they is.
Then it's agreed. During the bargaining
session, we each get two candy apples.
...there's no substitute for the discipline
of a loving parent.
Aired 23 years ago - Feb 12, 1995
Krusty the Clown's reckless spending forces him to open a clown college to keep afloat. New graduate Homer discovers the perks and perils of being Krusty.
"This year, give her English muffins."
- Hold still, Homer. Don't squirm.
- I am holding still. I am squirming.
- But Krusty...
- You didn't complain when I got you...
Okay. Memorize these
funny place names:
And now, everybody's favorite,
the Spin-Cycle Fantastic trick.
Now, when the wealthy dowager
comes in, the party's over, right?
These Krusty-brand balloons
are 3 bucks each.
Now come and get your catskins...
...here he is, coming in by parachute,
Krusty the Clown.
"To audience. I now proclaim
this new burger for sale."
- Sir. Sir.
- I gotta get him.
Well, I guess you're pretty
impressed, huh, Bart?
And after work, I gotta dedicate a new
Jiffy Lube and cohost the ACE Awards.
But when I see the smiles
on their little faces...
And now, the winner for the most
promising new series on cable:
...that include me in some way.
- Can't. Gotta distract bulls at a rodeo.
Being a clown sucks. Kicked by kids,
bit by dogs, and admired by the elderly.
- I'm not Krusty.
- To think I was gonna give you a ticket.
Hey, he didn't give me a ticket.
I only consider you scum
compared to Krusty.
Look, I'm cleaned out.
Just take the clown college.
- Look, we can talk this over.
- No more talk.
I want a free car because I'm Krusty.
Krusty the Clown. Get it? Krusty.
Should I shoot him
gangland-style or execution-style?
Oh, yeah. Speed holes.
...don't be alarmed by the total stranger
staring back at you.
Wow, lucky I always keep a Bible
close to my heart...
Actually, my real name is...
I am so glad I had
a chance to meet you...
To murder a funnyman
of such genius would be a crime.
- I'll never be able to do this trick. Never.
- Go. Go.
Aired 23 years ago - Feb 05, 1995
When Bart is forced to assist Principal Skinner in early-morning astronomy observations, he discovers a giant comet heading towards Springfield. Facing impending doom, the entire town shows up at the Flanders family bomb shelter.
Top of the hour, time for the news.
But of course, there is no news yet.
Come on, Lassie. Here, boy.
Come on, girl.
...writing down numbers,
Why don't they look anything
like their names?
...my discovery had already been
reported by Principal Kohoutek.
Six hours, 19 minutes right ascension,
14 degrees, 22 minutes declination.
Six hours, 19 minutes right ascension,
14 degrees, 58 minutes declination.
I see something in the sky at 4-12-8,
and the last number is seven.
You've just discovered a comet.
"A young Springfieldianite
has discovered a new comet...
I am called Ham,
since I enjoy Ham Radio.
- Goodbye, Cosmos.
Oh, no, no! This isn't right at all!
- We must alert the proper authorities.
- To the observatory!
...I caught the very next plane
to Springfeld. Field.
Now, working with former
Didn't you hear what that guy
in the building said?
- Dad! The plan.
- I'm getting to that.
So let's go live now to the charred
remains of the only bridge out of town...
With our annihilation imminent, our
government has snapped into action.
Thirty million dollars of taxpayer money
to support the perverted arts.
...that for one reason or another
he just cannot report.
Big deal. It'll burn up in our atmosphere
and what's ever left...
takes care of his family.
Well, howdily-doodily, neighbors.
Wait. You know, I may regret
this when our air runs out...
I'd get out,
but I don't know where I am.
And someone will have to run the power.
You can do that, Homer.
That's you, Flanders!
I'll scream when the comet gets here.
- Okay, Dad.
We can play a game to pass the time.
- A lady goat is a sheep.
- I believe she's right.
I can't let that brave man
out there die alone.
Aired 23 years ago - Jan 22, 1995
The story of Maggie's birth is told in flashbacks: after Homer quits the Springfield Nuclear Power Plant to pursue his dream of working at a bowling alley, Marge reveals that she is pregnant.
Homer, you should see a doctor.
Did you hear me? I said, I quit, Monty.
Maybe it's time you started
living like a pig!
...and island rhythms.
Show up tomorrow. Bring three rags.
I don't know if it's such a good idea.
From now on,
we use regular toilet paper...
Dad, were you excited
that Mom was pregnant?
- Hi, Homer.
- Hi there, Homer.
...like where the pins go
after they're knocked down.
I'm gonna make it after all
...I don't know how we'll
be able to afford this.
- Been there, done that.
- I hope it's a girl.
...and I won't ask for anything more.
- Gotta go.
- Gotta go.
It might interest you to know that
Marge Simpson is pregnant again.
Another perfect day in my perfect life
with my perfect job.
...but I'm not in it for the money.
You know I haven't told Homer yet.
I'm gonna get a snack and maybe
go to the bathroom.
We're gonna have to have a baby.
All our financial plans are ruined.
You're a hard worker.
I'd like to give you a raise.
Bowling. Bowling here.
Quitting my dream job
was the hardest thing I've ever done.
- I feel happy now. Hey.
- Boy, this is fun.
Yes, the special
Aired 23 years ago - Jan 08, 1995
Homer joins the secret society of the Stonecutters and is suddenly exalted when the brethren discover his birthmark. The ancient order is shaken to the core by the ineptitude of its new Chosen One.
I'm going outside...
I saw weird stuff
in that place last night.
There are two ways
to gain membership:
...of serum cholesterol
in the human bloodstream.
Why don't those stupid idiots
let me in their crappy club for jerks?
But you let in Homer Glumpet.
I'd give anything
to get into the Stonecutters.
Do I ever. It's five years later
and I still think I'm a chicken.
I'm the president of the Gay & Lesbian
Alliance, for some reason.
We call each other by number.
Patience, Monty. Climb the ladder.
All Stonecutters must take
the Leap of Faith.
And by the sacred parchment,
I swear that if I reveal the secrets...
...who since ancient times
have split the rocks of ignorance...
- Oh, really?
- Same old space, huh, Dad?
I still don't believe all the
Founding Fathers were Stonecutters.
It's wonderful, Marge. I've never
felt so accepted in all my life.
...to commemorate our glorious
society's 1500th anniversary.
...in the shadow of the hallowed
No, Homer, no! This is outrageous!
You can't do that!
Please don't kick me out.
This society's everything to me.
...of our beloved sacred parchment...
...whom the sacred parchment
prophesied would lead us to glory.
...but it won't last forever.
- Everything lasts forever.
Another strike for the Chosen One!
...from other human beings.
- What do you mean, isolated?
Couldn't hurt. Unless the monkeys
started hurting people.
Helping others makes our own lives
better and makes us better people.
Oh, I'll give you higher,
my filthy little urchin.
A beautiful sky blue.
Aired 23 years ago - Dec 18, 1994
When they try to go on vacation, the family discovers Marge's debilitating fear of flying. Marge consults a psychoanalyst to find the source of her baffling fear.
What if you pretended
that this couch were a bar?
That's it. I'm going to find
a new bar to drink in.
- Wow, classy.
- Good evening, sir.
...on the same night you're supposed to
marry Diane without Rebecca knowing.
Settle down, Normie.
Gotta save those pipes for karaoke.
Wait a minute.
That dog has a puffy tail!
My liver hurts.
- Well, you talk the talk. Here's a loaner.
- We need a pilot, pronto.
You flyboys. You crack me up.
And I'll just get us started.
In exchange for your silence...
We're right in the middle
of the busy housekeeping season.
I wanna explore the world. I wanna
watch TV in a different time zone.
So, Marge, pretty sweet, eh?
We must be really flying high.
...the first two people to the front
will be upgraded to first class.
...but I stay for the legroom.
- Gassy? Is it gas? It's gas, isn't it?
- Homer, I never told you this before...
Take it easy, Marge.
How about if we dope you up real good?
- Yes, but I'd rather not talk about it.
- Permit me to solve the mystery.
They've been living in sin.
I told you Mom would have problems.
maybe you should go into therapy.
You will die a terrible, terrible death.
Now, Marge, "Dear Abby" says...
Pass me another hunk of copilot.
All right, Lisa, you got your way.
Your mom's going to a psychiatrist.
I don't believe it! Principal Skinner.
I'm not here to take a reading test.
...and we're not going to stop until we've
exposed the root of your fear of flying.
...and I haven't opened
my mouth yet."
The kids at school were even worse.
Tell me the truth!
what little appetite I had.
My hooks are flailing wildly.
And you also infringed
on any number of copyrights.
Not by a long shot.
You know what, I'm cured.
Marge, this may not be
the best time to bring this up...
- Why does Daddy have to leave?
- Because he's a pilot.
Today male flight attendants,
or stewards, are common.
Aired 23 years ago - Dec 04, 1994
Grandpa Simpson's miracle elixir reinvigorates Homer and Marge's sex life. When father and son embark on an old-fashioned medicine show to sell the love tonic, they rake in the money, but eventually old resentments bubble up between them.
- And I found the new Al Gore book.
- Sane Planning, Sensible Tomorrow.
Sensual, sanitary seclusion
awaits you at any of America 's fine...
We only got one room left.
No, honey. It's a romantic fantasy.
I imagine I'm the janitor, and you're...
N... Yes! But please,
don't you say that word.
Oh, you never wanna spend
any time with me.
...when he was trying to invent
a cheap substitute for holy water.
Yeah. Where are my pants?
After years of disappointment
with get-rich-quick schemes...
I guess people have some sort
of moral objection to our sex drug.
...tantalizing, romanticizing, surprising,
"her-prising," revitalizing tonic!
Anything you say, professor.
I've discovered that
the rejuvenating effect...
...are often involved with UFOs
or other paranormal phenomena...
My parents aren't around and
I'm not allowed to turn on the stove.
Now as for your generation...
...in Simpson & Son's
Well, then how come his face
is on the bottle?
The adults are definitely paving the way
for an invasion by the saucer people.
Haven't you ever heard
of Ockham's razor?
Hey, wait a minute.
That's Amos Pierson's moose farm.
Yeah, we lived here
till the bank foreclosed in '63.
There she is. The old Radiation King.
...from ever becoming president.
Who are you to complain?
You lock me up in a home...
And I hope you'll find it in your heart
not to drive awa...
...in conjunction with the saucer people...
- Thank you.
...nutty, chewy, chocolatey...
Put it away, boy! ...situation.
And feast your ears
on this tantalizing testimonial...
I assure you his belching is the result
of an unrelated alcohol problem.
Son. My dear son.
Number two: I already own a bike.
And number three: That is a girl's bike.
No, Dad. I wanna get down.
Aired 23 years ago - Nov 27, 1994
When Homer gropes for a gummy candy stuck to the babysitter's pants, she mistakes his intentions and turns the town against him.
- Where the hell is the candy?
- I don't know.
Gummi bears. Gummi calves' heads.
...who work exclusively
in the medium of gummi.
Okay, don't panic. She can't
have gotten far. She has no arms.
- I'm sorry?
- Nobody's blaming you.
Two, four, six, eight
Homer's crime was very great
Come on. I'm a decent guy.
...of that alligator
biting that woman's bottom?
They seem to be building some
sort of a shantytown.
We ain't crazy about
nuclear power either!
I'm counting on you to do something
or say something to make it all better.
On own. On own.
I need help. Oh, God, help me.
We're aware of your problems,
and, Mr. Simpson, we want to help.
Oh, just thinking about
that sweet, sweet candy...
But first, she was a university honors
student who devoted her life to kids.
Then I noticed she was sitting
on her sweet can...
No, Mr. Simpson, don't take your anger
out on me. Get back. Get back!
Just friendly crustaceans
Under the sea
That's your solution to everything,
to move under the sea. It won't happen.
I don't know Homer Simpson.
Mothers and runaway daughters reunited
by their hatred of Homer Simpson.
Let's have less Homer Simpsons
and more money for public schools.
If you keep it up, I'll yell so loud,
the whole country will hear.
Remember to tune in tonight at 8:00
for highlights of today's vigil...
...but I'm pretty sure
that's Homer Simpson in the oven...
...which is not legally binding,
unless Proposition 304 passes.
...without talking to the people
who know him best?
We do believe in you. We really do.
Are you hugging the TV?
I think about weird stuff.
Homer. Homer, the kids have a
great idea how you can clear your name.
- But those shows all look so crummy.
- Well, we could dress it up a bit.
I'll be deep in the cold, cold ground
before I recognize Missouri.
You know, everybody believed
the worst about me right away.
So I figure, "We'll see about that."
Hello? No, Janice doesn't live here.
Needs more ice cream.
Aired 23 years ago - Nov 13, 1994
When she nearly flunks gym class, Lisa is forced to take up a sport. She's a natural at hockey, but things get complicated when her team faces off against Bart's. In a tense moment on the ice, sibling rivalry melts into sibling loyalty.
- But you're doing quite well in home ec.
- Hey! Keep it down, man.
Gym?! That's the stupidest thing
I ever heard!
Well, I could use a new pair
of hockey skates.
...to compensate for
their own failed dreams of glory?
Okay, son. Just remember
to have fun out there today.
Tell you what, get some rope.
Aw, thanks, Dad.
You know, I wonder if her skills
will transfer over to the game of hockey.
...it's that girls should stick
to girl sports.
...that will haunt me
for the rest of my life.
Look! That kid's got bosoms!
Who's got a wet towel?
I can't watch. I don't know how
you two can sit here...
Absolutely, honey. By blocking the net,
I really think you helped your team.
Sucker! Competitive violence,
that's why you're here!
Hey, Bart. If Lisa's better than you
The square root of 36?
Lay off, guys! He's with me.
I told you to watch out.
To think of all the time
I wasted on you!
Bart, that was your cherished
Okay! But on my way,
I'm gonna be doing this:
And if you get eaten,
it's your own fault.
- Bart started it.
- Lisa started it.
You're in direct competition!
I'm gonna let you out to see my team
play the game...
- I'll take that as a yes.
That's Obsession for Men.
- Moe, what are you doing here?
Any disabling injuries? Something
that the gambling community...
Good luck tonight, sis.
I'll try not to hurt you!
- Oh, so you're a Bart woman, are you?
And now to honor America,
here's Krusty the Clown.
Shouldn't have turned down
those cue cards.
Jimbo Jones called for tripping.
Aired 23 years ago - Nov 06, 1994
Smitten with Reverend Lovejoy's daughter Jessica, Bart tries to reform to win her heart -- but what she really wants is a bad boy. When she steals the church collection plate, Bart finds he's in over his head.
Shut up, I know what I'm doing.
She's a sweet, kind reverend's daughter,
and you're the devil's cabana boy.
But, Bart, we banned you
from Sunday school.
Class, I want you to welcome back
our prodigal son.
Somehow I gotta convince her
I'm a good person.
...and helping teacher clean up.
I'm all tense through the chestal area.
I need relief.
I can't believe my little boy
is already going on his first date.
Six times five! What is it?
Speaking of charming,
watching Fox last night...
- But... But... But...
- Make him stop!
- Let's go find some fun.
- But your father said...
Excellent! You're incredible, Jessica.
- Am I supposed to know you?
- Jessica, we just...
- I guess.
- Hey, you wanna go skateboarding?
- Any glue leaking?
- No. That glue ain't going nowhere.
He looks like something
might be disturbing him.
- What's the hurry?
- We could get in trouble for being late.
She's like a Milk Dud, Lis:
Bart, it's naive to think
you can change a person.
You're right, Lisa.
Love isn't about fixing someone.
You're turning me into a criminal
when all I want to be is a petty thug.
You're right about everything, Bart.
Stealing from the collection basket
is really wrong. Even I know that.
Now just relax. For once,
you didn't do anything wrong.
Son, if you look me in the eye and say
you didn't take the collection money...
Bart, honey, do you know
who did take the money?
Then I just don't feel like it, okay?
She's got a 108 IQ,
she reads at a fifth-grade level.
We shouldn't have let them do this.
It can't be helping his self-esteem.
I think it may be somewhere
towards the back.
I smelled some marijuana smoke
Aired 23 years ago - Oct 30, 1994
In "The Shinning," Homer becomes groundskeeper of Mr. Burns' isolated mountain mansion. Next, in "Time and Punishment," Homer tries to fix the toaster and winds up traveling through time. In "Nightmare Cafeteria," Principal Skinner finds an ingenious way to reduce overcrowding in the detention room and deal with cafeteria budget cuts.
- You mean shining.
- Shh! You want to get sued?
Yes, by cutting off cable TV
and the beer supply...
- Sorry. Sorry. Don't worry.
No. Not unless you kill your family.
Don't mind if I do!
Look, some of the ghouls and I
are a little concerned...
Well, thank God that's over.
I was worried there for a second.
I'm coming to rescue the lot of you!
Urge to kill fading.
...and let us all bask in television's
warm, glowing, warming glow.
Urge to kill rising.
Dad, your hand is jammed
in the toaster!
Now, to take her for a test toast.
- That's right, Mr. Peabody.
- Quiet, you.
If you ever travel back in time,
don't step on anything.
That was just one little
Aw, my loving family.
I'm gonna have to ask
the whole family to kind of freeze...
... there's one thing that never fails:
- Join us, Father.
- Join us, Father.
These wieners will give me
the quick energy I need to escape!
Mustn't crush. Mustn't kill. Made it.
- Let's kill it.
Fabulous house, well-behaved kids,
sisters-in-law dead, luxury sedan...
What color is the sky?
What of doughnuts? What?
Eh, close enough.
This overcrowding in detention
is becoming critical.
...when you keep spilling
meat tenderizer all over me.
Well, perhaps I ought to
let you folks in on a secret.
He should've beaten us up
for our lunch money an hour ago.
About seven minutes a pound
should do it.
I've got a gut feeling
Uter's around here somewhere.
...Iook them straight in the eye
and say, "Don't eat me."
[WHISPERING] Hey, you guys, I was just
thinking that any one of us could be next.
Aired 23 years ago - Oct 09, 1994
Backed by a cabal of Republicans and the talk radio blowhard Birch Barlow, Sideshow Bob runs for mayor of Springfield. When new mayor Bob decides to build a freeway right through the Simpson's' home, Bart and Lisa set out to prove the election was rigged.
- George Bushes.
- [ Gasps ]
But in 1 990, he framed Krusty
for armed robbery, and Bart got him put in jail.
- [ Panting ]
- I meant your other mortal enemy...
- What's in it for us?
- Yeah, give us something we like...
[ Alarm Blaring ]
One grenade each.
Very well. If that is the way
the winds are blowing...
- [ Bird Cries ]
- [ Wolf Howls ]
Nice. Very nice.
your best behavior for this
carefully choreographed media event.
- [ Chanting Gibberish ]
- [ Students Murmuring ]
Hmm. Bart, we can't let Bob
steal the spotlight.
- Uh, eh, uh, yes.
- [ Approving Murmurs ]
[ Men ] It's not the mayor's fault
that the stadium collapsed
Uh, could I have some more
bumper stickers, please, dude?
a Matlock Expressway!
Not many people
know I owned...
- ""C'' would usually follow.
- [ Sighs ]
- [ Groans ]
- [ Groans ]
You try to open the door,
but there's too much blood on the knob-
Hmm, I don't agree with
his Bart-killing policy.
And the results are in.
construction of our new
- And no one in my family's gonna stand for it.
- [ Horn Honks ]
- [ Pops ]
[ Giggles ]
Aaron L. Aaronson
voted for... Bob.
[ Whispering ]
You're on the right track. Follow the names.
I've never gone behind
Mr. Burns's back before.
But Dad can't afford
six dollars a night.
Look! Prudence Goodwyfe.
Oh, my poor dead kitty!
Please, not you too!
- Mr. Mayor, is it true you rigged the election?
- No, I did not.
on their hard,
feculent motel pillows.
- Indeed, I am.
- Because we all know you're a naive pawn-
Aired 23 years ago - Oct 02, 1994
The family's trip to Itchy & Scratchy Land takes an unexpected turn when high-tech robots malfunction and become violent.
Every time we've ever gone on vacation,
I end up being horribly embarrassed.
I can be a jerk
and no one can stop me.
This year I want us to do things
together as a family.
Remember, every morning,
give a bowl of kibble...
Which one of you is the mailman?
North, south. Nuts to this.
The amusement park of the future
where nothing can possib-lie go wrong.
Let's see. I'll take $ 1100 worth.
Yeah, but it's just pretend violence,
which is actually beneficial for children.
When do you show the consequences?
...and already I'm mortified beyond
belief by your embarrassing behavior.
...Searing Gas Pain Land,
Unnecessary Surgery Land.
They have sensors that ensure they only
attack each other, never the guests.
See all that stuff in there, Homer?
That's why your robot never worked.
Hey, the bartender even looks
like John Travolta.
- Are you talking to me?
- No. My son is also named Bort.
Welcome to T.G.I. McScratchy's,
where it's constantly New Year's Eve.
Please kill me.
- The babies look unhappy.
- Add more balls.
...except in 1938, when he was
criticized for his controversial cartoon...
Roger Meyers' next full-length feature
was the wildly successful Pinitchio.
Another jumper on the roof
of T.G.I. McScratchy's.
...stupid Itchy characters in the butt.
Attention, Marge Simpson. We've also
arrested your older, balder, fatter son.
You've got to listen to me.
Elementary chaos theory tells us...
Aired 23 years ago - Sep 25, 1994
After reading the weepy best-seller The Bridges of Madison County, Marge sits down with the family and recalls romantic moments, along with temptations from her bowling instructor Jacques and Homer's coworker Mindy.
...by giving in to their throbbing
It was acquired in a hostile takeover
by Hallmark and Disney...
...and my butt smells
and I like to kiss my own butt.
- I'm awfully sorry.
- Entirely my fault.
Your fingers are slender, so feminine.
They're too tapered for this ball.
- You've never bowled?
I can hit the one pin, but
the rest of them don't even wobble.
You're a very good teacher.
But it turned out he wasn't
interested in brunch at all.
At my apartment, the Fiesta Terrace.
Marge, I want you
to stop seeing this Jacques.
Okay, Marge. As long as
we're traumatizing the kids...
I mean, "Hello!"
And there's your king-size bed for:
Homer, I got a really wicked idea
that could get us into a lot of trouble.
Well, we'll just see about that.
- Get bent!
- No more Chernobyls!
But they're so sweet.
She hit the bottle hard
and lost her job.
...so the children walked home
Yeah, nice gag.
Well, here's my house.
Send it this way, boy.
- What's your name, son?
Watch this. You can actually pinpoint
the second when his heart rips in half.
Yes, I do.
You won't be needing this.
Of course. Remember when...
Say, I've got a neat idea.
I really can't.
...to be your lawfully wedded husband?
Honey, are you sure you wanna be
Mrs. Montgomery Burns?
Yeah, learned it screws everybody up.
Well, kids, I tried.
- Come on, kiss me. Please.
- No, really, I mean it! Now stop it!
Aired 23 years ago - Sep 11, 1994
Lisa feels threatened when a new girl moves to Springfield: Allison is smart, pretty, a great saxophone player and a crack diorama builder. Lisa tries to befriend her new rival, but she's consumed with envy and competitiveness.
Ralph, this better not be
about your cat.
-Are you hyperventilating?
-No. I just like to smell my lunch.
Call for help. I'll keep an eye
on things here.
Read your town charter, boy.
If foodstuff should touch the ground. . .
I don't know. I guess that's
the school's decision to make.
That's because I've loaded it
Those are prizes.
I meant my number one girl.
But she's better than me at
everything that makes me special.
I'm just talking to the sugarman!
Oh, no! Not again!
While you were out ''earning''
that dollar. . .
So what if Allison's ahead of me?
There's no shame in being second.
. . .as to the whereabouts
of our good friend Milhouse.
Oh. I've got to stop being so petty.
It's great of you to come over.
I really want us to be friends.
Well, like, oh, I don't know. . . .
Uh-huh. Well, that's very good
for a first try.
-In America. . .
Oh, am I? Am I really?
Oh, I'll never be the darling
of the so-called city fathers. . .
Hey, get off my sugar! Bad bees! Bad!
But it involves being a bit underhanded.
A bit devious, a bit. . .
. . .we spray her with the hose,
soaking her from head to toe.
. . .for the most dramatic
hose-soaking of her life!
Oh, I understand now.
Oh, look. There goes one.
We're willing to pay you $2000
for the swarm.
I'm sorry, Homie.
Diorama-Rama. My favorite school event
next to Hearing Test Thursday.
Turn this way right now!
Our next entry is ''The Tell-Tale Heart''
from Allison Taylor.
Young lady, cow hearts belong
in a butcher's window. . .
Aired 23 years ago - Sep 04, 1994
Stuck in his room with a broken leg, Bart hears a high-pitched scream. When he looks through his telescope, he sees a guilty Ned Flanders burying the evidence.
Have a good life.
I guess it is kind of a tease.
Now, before you respond,
understand that your refusal...
Bart, are all these children
friends of yours?
Jump, Bart, jump!
So technically it's true.
That's what makes it so funny.
Did I say leg?
I meant that wet bathing suit.
- Hey, guys! Sign my cast?
I think I lost my glasses in your pool.
I better go in and find them.
Traitors! Go on and have your pool!
I'm fine by myself right here.
...classic Krusty. Enjoy!
Is there a labor crisis
in America today?
Oh, look. There's Bart. Wave to him.
This was a lovely idea, Homie.
Come on. Continue. Come on...
I'm never gonna see anything interesting
with this stupid piece of junk.
Oh, my God! What have I done?
I've killed her!
Then that's not the real Ned Flanders.
Shut up, brain. I got friends now.
I don't need you anymore.
...and bring me some evidence!
And something sweet.
Hello, and welcome to the Springfield
Police Department Rescue Phone.
If you know the name of the king
or queen being murdered, press one.
Gotta save Lisa,
trash can or no trash can.
What the gumdrops is going on here?