Californication

Hank makes a life-altering decision. Series finale.

Gone? What do you mean gone?

Mm-hmm. Maybe, maybe not.

to be mad about the most recent turn of events here.

- Ashton. - Julia?

Looking hot, Marcy. Hot.

- Like that? Is that what you mean? - Charlie.

Bloop... I slipped right in.

I'll do my best.

- I'm good for it. - No, you're not.

I know. Just let me see if I can end it, all right?

It's easy for me to remember that way...

Don't knock it till you tried it, pal, all right?

I'm in really good shape right now,

to anything with a couple "X" chromosomes, dude.

Yeah, you're the actor guy, right?

Sara, Tara... not that you're retarded or tweaked or anything.

Like, happy good.

Watch out for the toilet paper.

- [Yelps] - Just enjoy her.

Yeah, show me your best.

I hope he does... at the appropriate time.

What does it look like?

It's definitely not you.

but we could get together sometime for lunch maybe,

- [Clears throat] - Please...

all will be right with the world.

You know, this is not as creepy as you may think.

Oh, Jesus fucking Christ. This is too fucking weird.

Those are games, Stu! "No" means "no," you know!

You mean, like, anal?

Fuck you, Stu. We're keeping the money.

Good for you!

♪ One of the days, the ground will drop ♪

- [Laughs] - Yeah.

♪ one of these days, their bombs will drop ♪

♪ Easy for you to say ♪

Come on, a little positive affirmation never hurt anyone.

Hank, I'm tired of reading you.

will never be anything less than a big, smiling mess."

The guy gets the girl.

no matter how many times you get it wrong,

You can sit next to me if you want.

♪ she packed my bags last night preflight ♪

Hank might soon be out of a job. Becca makes a big announcement.

- I wish.

Sorry, did I say that out loud?

Actually, you know what? This hasn't been a blast.

- America voted, Hashtag.

I have to fuck Stu.

So we can make the rent.

- I have an idea.

- Yes.

That's funny

- Word to your mother. - Mm-hmm.

Work on another show.

- Write about Julia.

¶ that's going round

whatever the lady would like.

- Oh, liaison.

And then, I suppose my penis would make an appearance.

- Holy shit.

Look at this. - Okay.

Charlie, this is my boyfriend mack.

You got a great fucking body, seriously.

Into another job like I did with this one?

You gotta help me.

- I'm looking for my father.

- Let's get this pizza-movie night started.

- Tell me what?

I know you like to drink.

Be gone with you! - Oh.

- What? What, now? - Yeah.

Aw. Okay.

So tomorrow. - Okay.

Who's your daddy? Who's the daddy?

- Who you then quickly impregnated.

- What do you mean, what do I mean?

Deal with it. - Yeah.

- I'm not--I'm not-- I'm not being a dick.

- What about pizza and movie night?

But that's not surprising.

Hank entices Karen to have dinner with him, but Julia interrupts their romantic evening. Later, Charlie, Marcy, Krull, Levon and his new friend bring even more drama to the night; and chaos ensues when Stu assaults Charlie's manhood.

Tu n'as pas oublié ton porte-monnaie.

Tu sais que je mourrais d'envie d'essayer cet endroit.

Je voulais faire ça pour toi. Tu le mérites.

Oui. Enfin parfois oui.

- Tu crois cela ? - Oui je le crois.

Je veux dire, ça ne marche pas entre nous.

Tu es charmée par mon intention foireuse de te charmer.

Je suis désolée ! Je ne savais pas.

Il est pas mauvais. Tiens.

J'aimerais beaucoup, Karen.

Maintenant que tu vas mieux, je peux te poser une question ?

Oui, c'est ça.

Tu baiserais un type pour un million de dollars ?

- Il est joli. - Ça va.

mes rêves éveillés,

Toi aussi, mon pote.

J'ai oublié la fois où j'ai trouvé Atticus,

Je t'avais dit de rester loin de lui

Tu m'as prise sur ta moto.

- Dans les fesses et tout. - Mon dieu.

Vraiment ?

Le rêve d'un grand acteur.

mon essence même.

Et l'Emmy est attribué...

Mais oui, enfoiré !

- Pourquoi c'est une bonne nouvelle ? - Bonne nouvelle pour moi.

J'avais juste une très belle conversation

Et j'aimerais à un moment...

En elle ?

Désolé de faire irruption,

- C'est tellement beau. - Et c'est pour toi.

dans la plus douce et exotique des soies.

que je suis arrivé au plus près du créateur.

Il faut qu'on parle.

Stu, arrête de me manquer de respect.

Arrête ça !

- Je pensais que Hashtag était mauvais. - Personne ne doit se battre comme ça.

mais je n'avais pas été avec une femme depuis si longtemps...

Tu sais,

Merci pour ton honnêteté.

- Ce n'est pas sympa. - Il n'était pas aussi bon que...

Je suis en super forme,

Il avait l'air d'aller quand ils l'ont mis

Hank recalls turbulent times with Karen, a confused Becca, and their days with a happier Charlie and Marcy. Meanwhile, a nun helps Hank put things into perspective.

You're a sensitive one, ain't ya?

You know, don't do me any favors, okay?

Have I always been such an asshole?

Yeah. Yeah, you guys are really together.

because she's a sane and responsible adult.

You can't go through with this Stu thing.

Save it for in there.

- Diving right in, indeed. - Jesus, Hank.

Well, it seems like a pretty big fucking problem

You had one.

Maybe because the guy in question is...

I thought we were here

You never, ever see your daughter.

Do I flirt with them? I suppose.

- Yeah. You? - Yeah, yeah, man. You bet.

Just together on and off forever, really.

is just on loan.

You know, you take it easy on this thing.

It seems like boys and girls make the world go around.

- Yeah? - By not fighting so much.

I don't understand why you guys get so mad at each other.

and you're right here next to me right now.

Why the fuck do we make such a big deal out of sex?

But I should have been able to control myself.

a picture of his ween right now, I'd probably get a little wet.

Well, that was a... that was a really positive experience.

It's... it's this is your life,

We weren't fighting over music, Hank.

But we still need to work at it, you know,

Isn't that what we're talking about, is a compromise?

Don't know... now.

So I believe in sitting down,

Maybe so.

very agreeable.

That's what I'm talking about.

Yeah, just... just give me five minutes or...

they always make it to the finish line.

She'll be here for a couple days, but...

Oh.

I interviewed a new assistant today.

Hank has problems with Hashtag Black. Stu's offer leads to fisticuffs.

What the fuck is he going on about?

Kickoff party tonight at my place--be there.

It's inspiring, Hank.

Levon says great things about you.

Do you notice anything weird about Levon?

Yeah. One day, all this could be yours.

Well, it's like riding a bike. You just have a drink or ten

- Stu, Nikki, how's it hanging? - Hank, how are you?

levon/hooker thing on the D.L.?

Hashtag.

We can do a modern-day action-comedy,

- Oh! Oh, oh, okay. - Mm-hmm.

Well, see, that's where you're wrong, Moody.

So it's not enough that I have to fight with this motherfucker

- sometimes you got to what? - You know.

- I want to bone her again. - She's with Stu.

Yeah, but now that I got my dick wet,

Are you sure you should be... drinking?

I'm so fucking pissed at Rath right now.

woman-hating dickhead.

Have fun.

and sticking pencils up his pooper.

Can I be honest with you?

How--how you doing? How's married life?

This television thing has me shitting cash.

Marcy may very well be your soul mate,

Now, when was this

You miss fucking Marcy. Okay, I get it. So what?

for as many times as we can fit into a night.

I mean, not like comedian funny, but I-I'm witty.

I needed a job too, but I'm not so keen on growing up.

A big bummer. Can you do me a favor?

- is Sasha Bingham. - I know Sasha Bingham.

Absolutely.

After all, isn't it important for a writer to show

You're a very pleasant actress, very agreeable.

Yeah. Um, sorry about that.

Well, it's not like I'm some commodity.

I was very vulnerable in that chair.

- Ew. - What if I brushed my teeth?

I mean, I-I don't know that I'd want to.

where it don't belong.

The job is yours, Julia.

Motherfuckers!

No, I know, Stu. I'm really sorry.

You lost your virginity to a hooker.

But, no, I had to fly too close to the sun.

Rath demands a rewrite of Hank's 'Santa Monica Cop' script. Julia's new boss, Dr. Dan, gives her some career advice, but Levon and Hank have other ideas. Charlie and Marcy consider Stu's offer - until Atticus' old rock 'n' roll butler Krull offers an alternative solution to their money woes.

Oh, he called in sick today.

That's really mean, Alonzo.

- Oh, no. - Jesus, that bad?

This is a fucking thread-puller.

Hmm. Yeah, I think

without wanting something in return,

Well, I've been eager to meet you, Hank.

I don't know what you're insinuating.

and I wanted to marry a busty, blonde hygienist.

teamwork?

Just stay away from the office, okay?

♪ but then again too few to mention ♪

I drove Hank back to see his lady,

Yeah, how'd it work out for Hank?

- Well, Atticus, obviously. - Obviously.

I don't think I'm much of a writer, though.

What are you doing?

is all fucked up and corruptive and shit.

Yeah, we do, definitely.

What's the deal with the hookers, Stu?

with anyone, Marcy.

you have got to get the toxins out, Marcy, somehow, some way.

For what?

In a heartbeat.

- Blecch! - I am.

Asshole.

Levon was a virgin, that was bugging him.

Dr. Dan has designs on you too, you know!

knowing you've found your soul mate.

Dude, you are not proposing to my mom right now.

Hey, watch your language, son.

My tooth!

Music to my ears. Gang bang averted, kids.

- what we talked about. - Oh, oh, yeah.

Um, yeah, you can read for something.

Um, why are you being so rude to a guest in our home?

Won't you please excuse us?

Mmm... probably not so much,

how human beings are supposed to behave!

Why?

after all the stupid shit that we've been through,

- Okay, come on, let's go. - Where?

Not in front of your mother.

A "Santa Monica Cop" kickoff party is hosted by Rath, where Hank conducts an intimate notes session with the show's leading lady, and Hashtag Black eyes Julia. Meanwhile, Charlie manages head-case client Goldie; and Stu makes Charlie an offer.

wherever it winds up.

No offense-- y'all got the tendency

- Set--set bitches? Set bitch? - No.

the one who came in his pants.

All right, go inside and behave yourself.

something of a positive role model.

My schween is hanging on your every word.

and told me both men and women had nipples.

- How you be, bro? - I be good.

- Mm-hmm. - All right, look.

I'm doing scenes with her right now up in here.

then there's no ass left to enjoy.

And he doesn't like the way you're writing him.

- sometimes you got to what? - You know.

So what? She can't spare a few minutes

beating off just seems kind of lame, you know?

Sorry. Who would know?

He let Hashtag call me a bitch today.

Good, I made sure they had

Be gentle with me.

I did, and he blew me off.

Oh, yeah? What's that, Stu?

I know you won her fair and square,

she let me go down on her,

Tuesday...

With your permission, and hers, of course,

You totally made this worth my while.

It was time to grow the fuck up.

or some class-up-the-ass BBC thing,

That is just a very nice thing to say about a person.

It just sounds so intellectual.

Yeah. Um, sorry about that.

What can I say? You get the boys all hot and bothered.

I was very vulnerable in that chair.

Come on, that's got to be a bit of a turn-on--

But I think there's only one way to defuse this situation.

goes in here and whose doesn't, okay?

What you waiting for, Rath? Fire his fucking ass.

So, really, this is all on you.

She--she's the coolest. I think I'm in love.

And he totally was.

Don't worry, dad.

Rath, I think what Goldie means to say is--

Levon enjoys a night with Nikki, while Karen, Hank and Marcy are forced to endure the company of Nikki's creepy friend. Meanwhile, Charlie gets in over his head with a new client.

the... the good news here is I'm totally free to hang tonight.

Honey, I need you to go back to your room now.

He said that you probably needed the work.

So what are you, like, a publicist or something?

but he's not really very picky.

Drink up, Nancy. It'll put hair on your balls.

and then the girl goes silent,

Uh, hi, pr... pretty lady.

Honestly, I've been better. That was a dark time.

Cool.

My friend is gonna lose her shit.

as much as about what me can do for him.

Thank you, Charlie.

Not even a fucking preposition or two.

you know, last-resort situation?

- Promise? - I promise.

This is the best playdate Stuart's ever had.

Yeah, or a...

Is this wrong?

Thank you. And you are?

So how does it work? What's the split?

Well, why?

What do you mean? What do you mean?

Little Stuart is officially asleep.

I mean, she's pretty open, as you can see, but scat play...

- Maybe. - Marcy!

You... you got me a fucking hooker?

to lose your virginity like this.

- It's... - I do, yeah.

Just... yeah.

What is wrong with you? Did you...

I'll get the door.

Uh, no. No, not in your car...

Hold on. That's not a good idea,

That's full-service management, all right?

for a couple of random jerk-off sessions?

No! No.

You're getting hard right now, aren't you?

I'm so sorry.

Shut up.

be having the same conversation,

I agree with you. I do.

Hey, it's more for a threesome.

May... maybe Karen's right.

I do.

works like a charm. Trust!

Hank and Levon help Julia celebrate her new role. Meanwhile, financial trouble adds to Charlie and Marcy's marital unrest, but a new client may put Charlie back in the black; and Levon tries to get some alone time with Melanie, but the Director keeps getting in the way.

Just break one of those incredibly sexy legs of yours.

Go get them.

Hey, get in here. Take a look at this.

Rules are made to be broken, sweetheart.

She's... she's... she's very natural.

Is it cool if I, uh...

My life is entirely too complicated right now.

- No, you didn't. - Yes, I did.

You wrote an episode of Dawson's Creek, didn't you?

because you would be bored to tears.

But do you think it's working against me professionally?

We're talking. We're just... we're sitting.

Yeah, well, sometimes those limp dicks can surprise you.

What about her?

Fuck you. Fuck you.

and barely holding on to the first rung,

had something to do with it...

Tight squeeze back here.

That's right.

- What? - It's Melanie.

So what's the move here?

and I will start working to make your dreams come true.

You know what I mean?

I went on RedTube and watched your masturbation video.

Sure. I was happy to.

Are you saying that he expects me to have sex with him

that the boss man might have a crush on you.

- You should. - Mm-hmm. I will, right away.

He's left me alone ever since.

of sexual harassment lawsuits,

Yeah, but you work for the show, right?

I'm just swinging my big, fat dick around.

Get her one too, and, uh, don't be too quick about it.

Okay, so?

- I am. - Yes, you are.

He's on his way down. I'm on my way up.

What the fuck? You have a gun in there?

And what other way could that have possibly sounded?

Oh, but that doesn't make me want to be with you, Levon.

You know, you got to see a dentist

that might have been something, but Levon always got in the way.

- Well, that's not fair. - What?

- It's a terrible idea. - Terrible idea.

Hank gets his first episode assignment, much to the dismay of coworkers Terry and Hugh. Meanwhile, Levon tries to bond with Rath's assistant; Charlie attempts to patch things up with Marcy; and Karen considers giving up on Hank.

Sorry. I guess I overslept. I was up all night playing Xbox.

- Okay! - Go, go, go, go, go.

- 20 years ago. - Hey, I remember that mole.

They'd be asking for hugs all the time,

Because that's what she said.

where he liked to expose himself to girls.

Yes.

Anyway, stay with me.

Well, that's good to know.

there's a serial rapist run amok in Santa Monica.

What do you got for a "B" story?

What part of "Chopped and tossed,

Yes!

- Can I get a cigarette? - Mm-mm.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, the business of chopped salads

Not... not today, in the future, the not-too-distant future.

Hey, sorry I blew up at you, kid.

one pump sugar-free caramel, two pumps sugar-free vanilla,

but I love the rock.

- Scene. - Very good.

And come back and see us again, please.

I have the network for you two.

I want this part.

you had a real moment there. I-I saw the price you paid.

- What's that on the wall? - Cock.

Yeah, but my... my favorite stuff is...

Did you finger that actress?

- with your stink finger. - Oh.

Well, speaking of big boys.

he pulls it out again and yells, "Boo-yah!

But was I trying to fuck her? No.

You were busy sexually harassing my assistant.

- What were you thinking? - What's the big deal?

of an incredibly fucked-up situation.

And you will win. Of that, I have no doubt.

It's partially my fault,

Okay, well...

Um...

He is my son.

- Can I ask you something? - Sure.

Take that, rapist.

I was just sharing about how my life

Time heals all.

Go forth. Do as you're told.

Hank gets frustrated with his "Santa Monica Cop" coworkers on his first day in the show's writer's room, and he gets a surprise when he visits Levon's apartment. Meanwhile, Charlie meets Rath's new assistant; and Karen gets an unexpected surprise.

Oh, right. Sorry about that.

I mean, super fucking annoying

By the way, what the fuck are you doing here?

Let me drink you in, big boy.

- Here you are. - Thank you.

Okay, so here's the deal. It's--

I'm in a long-term relationship,

You're a real fucking asshole, you know that?

Cool! You want to come over?

Hey, this is for you.

I guess I just don't see her that way.

She likes having them around, I guess.

What the fuck?

I did the right thing then.

So he's--I'm guessing that he's really mine?

Or--or--or I could go.

And it hasn't been in the vicinity of any shellfish?

Taking a picture of my burger.

have him watch you take a picture of your gourmet burger

- Oh, wow! - Holy shit.

What if Danko Jones--

It traps your penis in a flaccid state.

That was not gluten-free.

does anybody know of a bar around here

So when I realized I was knocked up,

I don't see a ring on your finger.

Open up.

and never saw him again.

and leave us the fuck alone.

His cock was like a battering ram.

Anything at all. You name it.

He's a cool guy. He'll understand.

Make it happen. Smooth that shit over.

- and I needed to see you. - Why?

You never knew, so I thought maybe you should.

She didn't have any boyfriends around?

I know this is pretty much the last thing you wanted

Are you kidding me? I'd love to.

What?

Hey, hey, I remember this show.

I guess it was just a fender bender after all.

I think it's working. The little blue pill worked.

Call 911! It's a massive coronary event!

Hank's reunion with Karen doesn't go quite as he planned. Meanwhile, Hank gets hired by the "Santa Monica Cop" showrunner; and a reporter asks to interview Hank for his college paper.

you were back here alone, by yourself.

Uh, hello.

Karen, please, come on.

I know where to find you.

His cum probably tastes like hummus.

A shit sandwich to chew on.

He was incredibly moved by my quest.

It would be irresponsible of me, Hank.

There are no jobs, Hank, not anymore.

It's all right. It's all right, baby boy.

Okay. Talk to me, buddy boy.

a big lippy puss down there.

Okay.

Aw, thanks, Hanky.

Whaaat...

That's you.

What the fuck, Runks? I didn't tell you to set that up.

So, uh, where were you born?

Not really. I mean, I'm a big fan of "Womaninity".

How many hearts have you broken in your life?

Bye.

I know exactly what that woman is like on a honeymoon.

So things are going really well for me. Thanks for asking.

But then I picked myself the fuck up,

Take a walk. You guys too. Get out.

and a brief but very moving puppet show.

but life is too short for shenanigans, Hank.

I have the... the sexy, energetic brain of a newbie

I'm trying to grow the fuck up for once.

Can you work with actors without fucking them

What is this really about?

I got eyes and ears all over this fucking building, scumbags.

It's just... that seems like something stu would call you.

Okay? Gimme kissy.

Ok... Okay.

It's just... it... Ugh!

I'm gonna go down on you

Oh, my God, Charlie. If you're gonna eat me out you can't cry.

He can actually suck himself off

You remember that nice lady from the New York Times

'cause I-I came back for you and all.

Di... Did he leave you?

Okay. Bye.

writer of books and some movies, I guess.

Cool. Did... Did you used to love her?