Aired 9 years ago - May 20, 2015
The whole family is at Jay & Gloria's for Alex's graduation party, except for Phil, who ingeniously figured out a way to be there via skype and a robotic vessel after being unexpectedly detained in Seattle on a business trip. During the celebration,
Jay frets about Gloria's cousin who has overstayed his welcome, Claire stresses out about giving Alex the perfect gift, Mitch hides news of being laid off from Cam and Andy's girlfriend, Beth, is in town stirring up a whole lot tension with Haley which finally leads to a realization that may have come too late
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Well, if I were a bear
[ Laughs ]
You're so adorable.
Oh, my gosh!
That's fantastic!
I thought Mitchell would be more
excited about the unit upstairs.
That 16-piece luggage set
was a real winner.
[ Sighs ]
Phil, really? Come on.
Uh, uh, how I'm
only into Korean dudes.
Why do you want it to go away?
[ Sighs ]
Well, heigh-ho, heigh-ho.
It's off to work I go.
And then, one day,
I met Spencer.
Mitchell, you can talk to me.
I'm a realtor.
[ Imitates beeping ]
Yes, I brought it back
from Colombia.
You treat my family
like they're criminals.
Uncle Mitch, this is amazing.
and you gave me
a B-minus as an uncle.
What about here?
S-so, no one thinks
sign me up.
and that is not me.
[ Both laugh ]
but... I just don't know
how she feels.
is the touch of a gentler man.
[ Laughs ]
I-I could take her there again.
[ Ukulele plays ]
Yes!
Has he said anything to you
about the unit upstairs?
[ Dog barks ]
Awesome.
Why'd you sit so close to it?
Can you open the door?
I'm feeling claustrophobic.
♪ When you don't know
what a word means ♪
Haley.
Thanks.
Why is that not --
Okay, there's no sound.
Alex needed to write a report
about a family member,
I'm so lucky to have you
in my life, baby.
_
Okay, I've had enough.
I need to know.
It is.
It's a kennel for birds.
I'm sorry.
I just --
We already
have the down payment.
Honey, I want
to give you a present.
Aired 9 years ago - May 13, 2015
The family is determined to make Alex celebrate her senior ditch day and Phil, Luke and Haley forcefully take her out but end up at an unexpected detour. Claire is torn when she gets a job offer from a big hotel chain but feeling torn quickly gets
replaced with feelings of confusion when she can’t tell whether or not Jay really cares if she stays or goes. And with Manny groggy off of pain killers from his wisdom teeth procedure, Gloria seizes the moment to put a sabotage plan into effect to break Manny and his new girlfriend up.
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I may have been a bit hasty
Ay, I know, papi, I'm so sorry,
She was getting too serious
too fast.
It's the milkshake
I brought you.
Ditch day. Ditch day. Ditch day.
Plus the 28 hands of
14 other guys.
You know what?
We're bustin' in.
Maybe Lily
hasn't learned empathy
It's just -- it's heartbreaking.
Forget it.
- Mom?
- Ah! You're awake.
Time for more pills, baby.
You're so sweet.
like the cutest teepee ever.
I snuck back here with you guys
after work one day, and...
Grab what, the cement?
Fine.
No, no.
I'm going to turn this off
and pretend I was reading this.
What, that our marriage bed is
a 1,200 thread-count charade?
And you would only know that
What are you doing?
staring at us with
a terrible look on your face.
- Like what?
- You know what?
Street name?
Like you're in a gang?
Yes. No. Yes. No.
If you want to go, go.
Hmm.
Anything up there?
Are you ever gonna call me?
Oh, right. Yeah, sisters.
I'm surprised you didn't ask me
to stand on top
Uh-oh.
I didn't wanna hang out
with you lately.
That's bound to get annoying.
- He's one of the big mucks
at the Grand Royal Hotels. - Oh.
She strung her along
for eight years,
Well, then why did you tell me
about it in the first place?
Well, maybe because I didn't
want that to be a factor.
I pour my heart out,
and that's all I get?
Claire, this is the big cheese,
Dan Signer.
in the break room,
and it wasn't that long ago
I'm gonna be spending it with...
Aired 9 years ago - May 06, 2015
Alex's worst nightmare is realized when she gets news that she has to share the Valedictorian title with her number one competitor, Sanjay! Both sets of parents get equally caught up in the rivalry and convince Principal Brown to let them break the
tie via a gym grade they both have not completed - a one mile run. Elsewhere, Gloria is studying for her upcoming U.S. citizenship test and a visit from Javier throws her off her game, and Mitch and Cam blindly agree to join a protest against a local restaurant that they are actually secretly excited about.
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that, uh, made me nervous,
and so I wrote down my remarks.
- Oh.
- No.
I agree with them.
Ties are un-American.
[ Sighs ]
Not all the grades.
Name two cabinet-level
positions.
This little jumping bean's
about to become an American.
Do you know that once I pass,
I can serve on a jury?
Really? You're gonna
lecture me on abandonment?
..
Enough.
We will do a makeup race.
with their friend's older
brother who's home from college.
Sanjay was forming
full sentences at 13 months.
- We owed a lot more money
than I realized. - Hmm.
That's fine.
I'll get someone else.
[ Groans ]
Is that a word?
Oh, like "shame" doesn't cover
1,000 different things?
Longinus and Jotham
do this all the time.
- Table for two?
- No, no.
[ Sniffs ]
She's surprisingly graceful
for being so uncoordinated.
[ Thud ]
Oh. There it is.
Maybe a little bit.
- I am having some doubts.
- Okay.
Don't worry. We're not gonna
eat this. We're gonna eat steak.
That son of a bitch wants me
to turn my back on my homeland
What are those?
You know how hard it's been to
keep up with you my whole life?
Why are we so focused
on helping Alex win
was our competition, and...
Think about it, sweetie.
Tomorrow, Sanjay Patel begins
a lifetime of second best.
I'm not gonna lie,
I like where this is going.
Well, I'm not gonna do it.
Yeah, I heard the moaning.
Are we terrible people?
We don't support corporations
that contribute to super PACs
- Right now? Ah.
- We're here! We're queer!
I don't know why
this is a surprise.
and we demanded a refund
for our gift cards.
and we stumbled,
but who amongst us hasn't?
- But it's hard to keep track...
- So hard.
You are no better than
the people in that restaurant.
You still have his last name.
You're both Colombians.
That's the longest
you've ever been quiet,
this is what you always wanted.
It's not rocket science,
unfortunately for you,
Aired 9 years ago - Apr 29, 2015
Phil and Jay run an errand together to pick up Lily's hand me down princess castle for Joe, both though are in a mood because Phil is upset that Claire won't let him buy an arcade machine, and Jay thinks Gloria is letting Joe play with too many
girlie items. Mitch and Cam babysit Joe and both get the itch for another baby -- that is until Joe presents to be quite the handful! Meanwhile, Gloria tries to help Haley stand up for herself at work, and Claire tries to bribe Luke's principal to give him one of the student awards this year.
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Cameron:
Looks great.
I think I may
want another child.
That we're both
on the same page.
Sounded a --
A tiny bit prostitute-y.
Is that the science rabbit?
he was in the running
for the integrity award.
Or perhaps the soccer team
could use some new cleats,
I'm headed out the door
to go shopping with Gloria,
Where are the photos
from the Milan show I asked for?
Oh, look what's new for fall.
But I bite my tongue,
because in this family,
What are you doing? I told you
to go shopping without me.
I mess with something he loves.
Yeah, he was a narc
and a goody two-shoes,
Oh, yes --
Well, no, but, I mean,
the happy look on your face.
I-I just really miss
having a baby around.
There's water underneath
the seat there if you want it.
It's like I don't
want to be happy.
She just made a disapproving
noise, and I rolled over.
and, "whatever you need, dear,"
And you're getting
that damn game, Phil!
Thanks, Jay.
Ahh.
What the hell did you do?!
We get this thing on the backyard
They count on that fear.
They feed off it.
It was killing me this morning
so that we can turn
this princess thing
- How does that solve my problem?
- Just go!
It is. Where is that little
pudding-filled rocket, anyway?
No, no!
No! No, no, no!
It's okay.
It's okay. It's okay.
and it's like
nothing ever happened, see?
Plus, we're not as young as
we were when she was like this.
today I lost
a little bit of respect for you.
Which is why, in case
you haven't noticed,
It's over.
I can't be seen there.
What? Why not?
to swallow my pride.
who would love
to do her a favor?"
so he can run through birds
when he gets home.
Are you kidding me?
- Well --
- Manny!
[ Grunts ]
Get off me!
Because I didn't know
it was a nerd award.
[ Hammer pounding ]
Aired 9 years ago - Apr 22, 2015
Jay agrees to sub in on Cam's bowling team, not knowing it's an all-gay league. Phil and Clair have an unexpectedly nice time with their neighbors. Gloria and Mitch agree to go out with Haley.
- I just wish he was more concerned
with being a better neighbor. - Yeah.
A-are you saying no?
Forget it.
Not doing it.
And most prominently,
you've got your
Oh, hello, Martin.
You're looking unwell.
It's a Michael's, and you know
it, you son of a bitch!
Hey!
I am in the best mood.
I'll uncover the cheese.
So, we need to get you lighter
in those rental loafers.
Oh. Very nice.
Um... uh, good.
It's a little intense right now.
Well, we wanted him
to go to college for business,
There we are.
Would you like to taste?
Oh, damn it!
Look, okay.
Cam, you're up.
We do love zing.
now I have a boyfriend.
Oh, my god. I've been
holding that in for an hour.
Oh, my god. Your kids
give you that look, too?
It's not right that a guy like
you can't even get his job done.
paired my Cabernet with fish.
What do you think
of that picture?
Who wouldn't
want to be between them, huh?
Whoo!
There's the real Jay!
Hey, when did you get back?
this is not about
Cam and Jay making us old,
Uh, d-do -- wondering --
I don't know,
I don't think
it's gonna be six, guys.
Yeah, that's true.
He told me.
- What do we do?
- Here, take that. Put it around.
- You're such a boy scout!
- Open the door. Open the door.
Aired 9 years ago - Apr 01, 2015
Jay's birthday brings everyone together and Phil is beside himself over the super cool gift he got Jay, a high-tech outdoor grill. Claire and Mitch decide they will "offer" to pay back the money Jay loaned them ages ago as their gift not really
thinking he will take them up on it, and Gloria teaches Manny and Luke a lesson about drinking, while Andy gets real awkward with Haley when she brings over her new doctor boyfriend.
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where the cable
doesn't get Bravo.
If it's a good shot,
get a print, put it in an album.
I'm just--
I'm stressing out, so--
So, you want
to head down front?
Well, my chisel
is a Long Island iced tea,
[ Banjo playing
"Turkey In The Straw" ]
It's so...
It's so musical.
They fit him perfectly.
- [ Clears throat ]
- Dressing room? Ay, show me.
But that is your song.
and I'm from Canada.
[ Sighs ]
Okay, but imagine--
The move you're about to see
was first developed
Eins... zwei... drei--
I'm gonna...
just adjust these springs.
I'm not sure
that's such a good idea.
[ Gasps ]
Is Luke doing the Dunphy Tuck?
When you guys
are done out there,
Sorry to interrupt, but I just
took a break from painting.
[ "Dueling Banjos" playing ]
Uh... nothing.
No! It hit my eye!
Haley, are you with Alex?
She's not answering her phone.
No, I was worried about this
when you two left this morning.
But it's not like
I poured it down her throat!
Have fun breaking your daughter
out of sleepaway camp.
I was-- I was cold,
and I was scared,
is an important part
of becoming a man.
If that's your idea
of a dramatic exit,
Because you insulted me,
maimed me, and belittled
Then, today, it's everything
I can do, you can do better.
I'm not as much of a man
as you think, dad.
I fumbled for so long,
she started to laugh.
but enjoy it while it lasts.
Oh, Lukey!
Oh, okay. So, we'll see you
in, like, what, 10 years,
- Alex, I r--
- No! What's the point?
than the guy
wearing a ferret as a scarf.
You're obviously
going to get into
Look, you are a superstar!
I... don't want to talk about it.
if I'd performed
in a litter box.
Okay, look,
I can't sing "Memory."
But to see him crash and burn
on stage, that...
- [ Branch snaps ]
Girl: - What was that?!
Aired 9 years ago - Mar 25, 2015
Spring break has Claire doing some spring cleaning, while Phil struggles with not being a spring chicken when Luke starts outperforming him at seemingly everything. Haley takes Alex to a music festival to take her mind off of colleges, and Gloria
and Jay challenge one another to give up Spanish soap operas and cigars respectively. However, when Gloria accompanies Cameron to his faculty talent show, she projects the soapy drama she craves onto Cam’s rivalry with Senor Kaplan, and Jay tags along with Mitchell to pick up Lily from camp so he can sneak a smoke.
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They should tell you that
when you check in.
If it's a good shot,
get a print, put it in an album.
I'm just--
I'm stressing out, so--
and I use it to free the party
girl from the block of nerd.
It's so...
It's so musical.
If anything,
they're a little snug.
I can't. It's the handicapped
stall in the men's room.
But that is your song.
and I'm from Canada.
Okay, but imagine--
The move you're about to see
was first developed
No good. Okay.
You might cement in
some bad... habits.
Is Luke doing the Dunphy Tuck?
do you think
you could give Luke my list?
Sorry to interrupt, but I just
took a break from painting.
He tripped on one of
Coach Tucker's paint cans.
- What are you doing?!
- Last item on the list--
♪ you are not the man
you used to be ♪
Is that...
Haley, are you with Alex?
She's not answering her phone.
No, I was worried about this
when you two left this morning.
Take me to my sister!
Have fun breaking your daughter
out of sleepaway camp.
especially after this kid told
this terrifying ghost story,
is an important part
of becoming a man.
it's no wonder
Todd Jansen got that part.
my achievements in the banjonic
and trampolinic arts?
Yes, you can.
I'm not as much of a man
as you think, dad.
That's not the conversation
I thought we'd be having,
Someday, your life's gonna be
moving faster than you want,
Do you need a hug?
when you spoon-tunnel your way
out of Weasel's basement?
Get straight A's for 10 years,
I don't care anymore!
and sometimes
you're gonna come in second...
you're gonna be
on the supreme court.
I had killed with that song
at three amateur productions,
So when I found out
that Coach Tucker
It doesn't get better than that.
is you never know
what you're gonna run into--
I don't know,
but let's hit it with a shovel.
Aired 9 years ago - Mar 04, 2015
Jay and Claire shoot a Pritchett Closets commercial. A drone is spying on Gloria. Lily prepares to perform in her school talent show. Haley's feelings for Andy become even more complicated.
The client loves
the whole re-design.
How's your trip?
Are you having any fun? _
I am very good
cutting boys' hair.
- Mm.
- Fly safe.
Watch it, or I'll sing to you.
Isn't it fantastic?
- Oh.
- Lily, honey,
She's still talking to Dylan?
Really?
Oh, please, I can see your eyes
darting around the screen.
but I know that's a picture
of Chachi.
[ Sighs ] Then why did she
change her Facebook status?
Something borrowed, something blue?
Do you get it?
- Are you with Haley?
- In what way?
You mean spiritually,
geographically?
Okay, so, last night
when you were with her,
Yeah, she gave it to me
in a little envelope
[ Keyboard clacking ]
Oh, no!
She's in Vegas.
I don't know! Alex, she had to
have told you something!
than they are finding them.
Honey, what did I tell you
about being selfish?
Yeah, I need to know
who she's been dating.
- What are you doing in my phone?
- You called me, dad.
Hey, Mitch,
I'm liking the new hat.
- Oh, thank you, ma'am.
- Well, you're welcome.
Whoa, Haley got married?!
She is in so much trouble!
but I've been researching
annulments.
Hold on.
Someone's at the door.
Andy is dating some girl in
Utah, and Haley knows that.
No, it can't be him.
He's a very nice boy.
[ All gasp ]
Oh, my God!
Jump? Let's review.
How could he be
so irresponsible?
Oh, my God,
she's gonna be Haley Bailey.
Okay, hang on, honey.
I am sending you a picture.
Gloria,
where did you find Andy?
No, dad, no, I haven't
found her. And you know what?
Jay, stop kicking her
while she's down,
[ "House At Pooh Corner"
playing ]
♪ as our days disappeared
all too s-- ♪
You're not near the bottom
of that tin, are you?
Okay, Claire, listen, listen.
Oh, God, I got to go.
and give her husband-to-be
one of these.
The minute they got rid
of rotary phones,
Look... you're in the eye
of the tornado right now,
Aired 9 years ago - Feb 25, 2015
Claire’s computer becomes the hub of all the family’s activities when she gets stuck at the airport and is desperate to reach Haley after a big fight. After FaceTiming with Phil and the rest of the family to help track her down, Claire quickly turns
to online snooping which inevitably becomes disturbing real quick and everyone gets sucked into the online drama.
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The client loves
the whole re-design.
How's your trip?
Are you having any fun? _
I am very good
cutting boys' hair.
I reminded him
and dialed the phone.
Watch it, or I'll sing to you.
Oh, well,
I can't wait to open it
Isn't it fantastic?
Relax, Cam.
- Oh.
- Lily, honey,
behaving.
Paragraph three had
some of my favorite--
That trick might've worked
on Haley,
There's no way Haley's married.
She borrowed a blue suit
from Mitchell for a wedding.
- Are you with Haley?
- In what way?
You mean spiritually,
geographically?
Okay, so, last night
when you were with her,
Do you have Haley's
iCloud password?
Oh, no!
She's in Vegas.
If she's not with Dylan,
who would she be marrying?
Although, they are better
at making girls disappear
Honey, what did I tell you
about being selfish?
- What?!
- What?!
- Dad?
- Mitchell?
- Thank you so much.
- Of course, dear.
- Oh, thank you, ma'am.
- Well, you're welcome.
I know we're not there yet,
who Haley has married in Vegas.
- What bet did he lose?
- No, no, no, no, no, no.
No, it can't be him.
He's a very nice boy.
"What To Expect
When You're Expecting."
Let's not jump
to any conclusions.
I'll kill that Andy.
His last name is Bailey?
before she got pregnant.
Hola!
What's going on?
Did you find her?
I can't think of a better time.
♪ posing our questions
to owl and eeyore ♪
You're not gonna find her
at the bottom of that tin.
- Well...
- _
I was supposed to walk her
down the aisle
Thumb, dad.
Yeah. Guess what goes around
comes around, huh?
Aired 9 years ago - Feb 18, 2015
After a long reunion weekend with Phil's old cheer buddies, Claire jumps at the chance to snag the only first class seat left on the return flight home, leaving Phil in coach. Gloria forces Jay to teach Manny how to defend himself against a bully in
his cooking class, but when things backfire it seems that the real bully might be someone else. Mitch, Cameron, Pepper and the whole gang throw Sal a belated baby shower.
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because there's a boy there
that is picking on him.
The kid is just not a fighter.
You think calling us pretty
is gonna get you a ride?
So, what did she do
that was so crazy, Luke--
Ugh, when did you become
a guy? It's gross.
so if you want it done, here.
I may have, uh,
what you're looking for...
- Oh, I-I had a suitcase land on me.
- Oh, let me see.
Ooh.
Caramel truffles.
I want the gutters
cleaned today, not mañana.
I'd put down the burrito
and get up that ladder.
was a little baby.
Let's not jump to conclusions.
That gin-soaked tart
abandoned the little bastard.
when we're accusing a mommy
Oh, no. This--
Uh, h-here's a note.
Oh, my.
My friend Claire would like
to meet you in the bathroom.
"C," for Catherine.
who keeps digging into my elbow
Oh, geez.
I'm not fighting anymore.
It's not worth it.
Well, that's the goal, anyway.
"Thanks for the dumbest
breakup text ever.
There was nothing dumb
about it.
that she's on a plane to Cabo.
sent Moses down the river
in a basket,
- That's crazy.
- Aww.
[ Dramatically ]
But, you know,
Pleasure to meet you.
But I need you to check
your pocket.
Why would I thank you for
giving you an awesome weekend?
Oh, my heart goes out to you.
and don't wind my fist up
like Popeye.
- Because without that...
- I-I get it.
What? You were not.
and he made me that dessert
as an apology.
like it's some rabbit
you found in the yard.
Y-you're very nice people,
but we've done this before.
[ Scoffs ]
Fine!
Honey, what are you doing?
You didn't have to be
so great this weekend.
Gloria: Wipe your feet
before you come in!
Thanks to me?
What, did--
and wants you to be safe
in this world.
Aired 9 years ago - Feb 11, 2015
Valentine's Day means 'Juliana' and 'Clive' are back, but things get worrisome when Claire starts sensing Phil may be more into Juliana than her. Jay goes from feeling disappointed to scared when Gloria's visiting sister becomes a larger deterrence
for a romantic evening with Gloria than he thought. Mitchell and Cameron get themselves in a precarious situation with a good friend.
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how I stole her one chance
to escape the village
Where do you people live,
National Geographic?
I know only girls are supposed to
care about Valentine's day, but--
[ Sternly ] Carmelina,
that's for company.
Hint-- apparently
you need your original hips
but once we heard, we didn't
think it was appropriate.
stylish
cheese-delivery system?
Just go!
so you can have
a romantic evening alone.
Oh, Jay, it's so beautiful.
and I threw
a little charm her way.
Claire: I know.
We ran late.
Maybe we'll have
a romantic Easter.
almost instantly
ask for some alone time.
Who are you?
Oh, glass elevator. Should
make for an exciting view.
in case she falls out of bed.
Hurry!
- Carmelina, are you trying to be deported?!
Mitchell: - [ Sighs ]
Now get.
Yeah, but now the poor kid's
got the hots for me.
- Not lonely. She's a forest ranger.
- Mm.
and she quenched my thirst
with a big goblet of "wow."
Hey, would you see if there's any sewing kits?
I think we're out.
Oh, that's so nice.
[ Bell dings ]
It's straight out of
"Lethal Ladies."
and sprinkled it
into mom's soup.
Oh, my God.
She wants you all to herself.
to go with
your pretty necklace.
I heard everything
on the baby monitor.
the whole week,
or, I don't know,
Give in to it, Jay.
We both--
- [ Quietly ] Ladies, ladies, stop.
- [ Women grunting ]
Yes, mother moving in
was inconvenient,
You know that-- that fish
I gave you and Mitchell?
Carmelina's probably
halfway home with it,
- Oh.
- Look, Anders gave us the bowl after all.
Aired 9 years ago - Feb 04, 2015
Phil starts to feel the teenage cold shoulder from Luke and, with Andy hanging around a lot as his apprentice, he easily steps in as his new right hand man. Gloria and the doctors suspect that Joe might be allergic to Stella. Mitchell does some
freelance legal work at Jay’s closet company and working with Claire becomes a very enlightening experience for the both of them.
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Okay, guys, listen up.
Lily, don't forget to give
Stella lots of belly rubs.
was like their Facebook page,
And majoring in having your cats
eat you when you die.
I feel like a mechanic.
"Wipe down the microwave,"
"Clean the coffee pot,"
men will want to be me,
women will want to shop with me.
She's new, and dad
wants me to talk to her
So, listen, if you were looking
for some clothes for work,
Oh, right, yeah, yeah.
Uh, Pasta Factory Monday.
- Yes!
- What are you guys doing?
Laid-back Mitchell
doesn't mind.
This is my fault.
No. Lots of people
like you.
Not the one on Barrington.
Well, do it again. Louder.
This is a place of business.
Keep your eye out
for randy chows.
What's that thing
around her neck?
Oh, my God.
You're such a slut.
So I'm like,
"Screw it, let's do it."
"Whoa, you're not
Justin Bieber."
I am sitting here
trying to mentally prepare
Ooh, tell her cute dress--
Nanette Lepore, fall collection.
I'm a little nervous.
Sorry to disappoint you.
Good idea.
Pretend to be my son.
I don't know.
- Ooh, sounds dangerous.
- Luke...
Good.
Is this finally done?
Don't. Don't!
we weren't this aggressively
boring when we applied.
Oh, great.
Have a seat. I'm Vanessa.
and you play the cello.
Wait, what?
and we convince the grounds
keeper that she's Justin Bieber
Yeah, I came home from work
early to cook us dinner.
she needs to stay
with Mitch and Cam.
Yes, we have.
It's what's best for Joe.
'Cause it's so much cuter
driving down the road
Okay, do not read
too much into that--
Don't give me that look.
Goodbye,
Stella-Bella.
I saw that.
Andy sent it to me.
It just seemed like you needed
some space, so I gave it to you.
What?
"No way, Bradley, not without
my little pal, here."
Pickles are better than men.
Aired 9 years ago - Jan 14, 2015
Claire is furious about neighbors Ronnie and Amber’s eye-sore of a boat on their front lawn and it soon becomes an all-out war when Phil calls in the “big guns” as back up -- his dad Frank and all his retired friends to give them a taste of their
own medicine. Elsewhere, Jay is trying to potty train Joe but Gloria does not think he’s ready yet, and Cam secretly takes Lily to clown school behind Mitchell’s back.
MORE
-LESS
I've got a lunch meeting and
then a meeting after lunch.
What is going on?
W-Wait, we had the radio on and we
were talking about some goofy stuff.
I mean, you should get an eye patch.
Brian's sick.
Mom, get your keys!
God, this is a more disturbing sight
then Tom Hanks and E.T. in Philadelphia.
Ahhhh, Kristallnacht!
I'm going to fire this canon all over your store.
Hahahahaha.
Dear me, it's almost 3 o' clock.
Oh, no. Privateers.
I said, shoot it again.
But I said it pirate like.
Well done, you barnacle-munchings-callywiggers.
Who was that masked man who saved us?
Noooooooooo!
I tried to pick him up,
Um.. I'm Chris.
Wow, we're having a conversation.
Ever since I was a little girl,
I have loved working with animals.
and then you'll think I'm made up of two
different guys that were sewn together,
Gooey!
Kids?! Kids?!
It's so awesome!
and, if you don't mind, I was hoping
I could ask you a few questions,
Yeah, and I'm sure you have fond memories,
K, bye Chris.
If you want to get anywhere with a
chick, you can't treat 'em too nice-like.
wait for the beep!
What!?
Why in the world I wanan do
that after what you just said?
- We had sex.
- We had sex!
What's the difference?
You're not the first person whose life he screwed up.
My man Ranold, who did this!?
'cause now Chris is all sad and
crying and fat and bad at sports.
Well, what dou you know about that!?
See, look at this-
But I don't want to date anyone else.
Aired 9 years ago - Jan 07, 2015
While driving out to get breakfast, the Dunphys plus Manny have a near death experience causing everyone to reevaluate their lives. Claire resolves to be more fun and less uptight, Haley and Alex agree not to fight anymore, Manny refuses to ever
ride in a car again, Luke wants to check off his bucket list, Phil decides to be a take action type of guy, and the rest of the family has to bear the brunt of all the new attitudes.
MORE
-LESS
Okay. All right. I think I
just skated through some pee.
What do you mean, "still"? What do
you mean, "scared"? What underpass?
Oh, didn't I?
I'm so sorry. Will you forgive me?
N-n-no. No, no! No!
N-n-no! Claire, no!
- They took my wallet and my
skates and my tie. - No.
- Just let it go.
- Stop it! Stop it.
Hey, Phil. Honey, how you holding up?
It was time to start crossing things off.
Girls, are you sure?
Well, you miss a lot of it.
Makeovers.
It's from when I walked into the stop sign
Well, you had quite a bit of growth.
I was not one of them.
Look, I've tried really hard
to put up with a lot since...
Karate-chop me or something!
Wait, wait, wait. Back up. Again?
Is your lip getting better
or your face getting redder?
Ohh! Why do you have to be such a silly...
when some guy on a bike swiped her phone.
Now, can you just support me here?
Positive. I-I'll walk home.
I thought your phone got stolen?
This was all Phil's fault, wasn't it?
I know how to fix my son.
In. Trust me.
He's terrified to be in the back.
Manny, you don't want to do this right?
We're doing this my way.
I always thought there
monsters in there and whatnot.
but, you know, right now we... have to...
The phone burglar! He's getting away!
I am not going to drive my
son around until he's 40.
Just go. I'm walking home.
The listing at 225 cedar street,
it's mine now. You poached my listing?
Why are we stopping?
Calm down. Let's not overreact.
Mostly, I was thinking
about racquetball later
and then offers him a
piece of his banana loaf.
Trust me, this house is
gonna sell at Thorpe speed.
You will be losing some sleep,
Oh, by the way, if you ever
speak disrespectfully again
Life's too short to be ruled by fear.
Not white, not oatmeal, not Swiss-coffee,
who ask me where they
should buy their dryer.
What? No. What? No.
We're gonna want to put a
blanket down on that backseat.
You think? That's it. Pull over.
Aired 9 years ago - Dec 10, 2014
Haley is turning twenty-one and the whole family is taking her to a bar to celebrate! Claire really wants Haley to start seeing her as a friend rather than her uptight mom, Mitch and Cam make the sad realization that they may not be as cool as they
thought, and Phil and Jay’s quick pit stop to pick up Haley’s gift, a new car, becomes a disaster. Back at home, Alex, Luke and Manny babysit Lily and she decides to drop the ‘where do babies come from?’ bomb.
MORE
-LESS
One quick thing --
if you really want to
Um, Daryl, this is my
father-in-law, Jay Pritchett.
So, come on.
Let's see you wiggle.
Are you a nerd?
Uh, yes.
The stork brings them.
Please.
...giving a gift to a niece
as hip and chic as Haley.
- Really? You think?
- Yes! Totally! Super cute!
These guys don't have feelings.
Why do I keep
fighting you on this?
I'm sorry, buddy.
We're supposed to be
at the bar in 20 minutes.
These aren't my sunglasses.
Pull them off and give them
to somebody 20 years younger.
I know I have not done
a great job of it so far,
- Come on. Haley, let me in.
- Okay, fine, so we were laughing
just want to talk about
politics all the time
We should have just
told them we're straight.
- Do you?
- Really?
He was losing money on that car.
during the hot dog-a-thon,
Uh, yeah, he says that
unless you buy a car,
I'm not immature, butt face.
What was I supposed to think?
Can I just say that I'm glad
they didn't come get us?
Oh. Let's show them what we got.
Oh, thank god.
We need to tap out.
- You guys, don't go!
- Oh, yeah, don't worry about it, ladies,
Huh. You know what?
I kind of get him now.
I'm gonna respect your decisions,
and I was afraid you'd say no.
I'd love to, but your dad
played hardball and we lost it.
No, no, no, no.
I'm done listening to you.
I researched that car
online for weeks,
I'm going old-school
on this sales weasel,
I don't know why you Americans
are so uptight about sex.
Can we finish our conversation?
Hey, that's why you asked if we
knew where babies came from --
Well, Private Dorchester
reporting for duty.
I mean, not that, but, like,
let's get matching tattoos!
That is so sweet.
I don't even need
to be cool anymore.
As serious as Bert and Ernie.
I just beat your unbeatable
deal by 500 samolians.
Some more good news for you --
Your father-in-law
You got a much better
deal than he got.
Hey, dumbass, enough with the horn, huh?
Aired 9 years ago - Dec 03, 2014
When Alex tells Phil and Claire she has a boyfriend, they worry they've put too much pressure on her and has made up an imaginary boyfriend. Jay and Gloria both have parties that they are dragging the other to and Jay has a clever plan to get
himself out of it, but Manny just might spoil everything. Mitch and Cam just got a beautiful white couch delivered but when Mitch is stuck helping out Brenda, a distressed co-worker, and allows her to stay - it is a mishap waiting to happen.
MORE
-LESS
To teach her about respect.
That you wore cargo shorts
to my middle-school graduation,
in a pyramid scheme.
Stop being such a patsy.
What picnic -- somebody's
cat going to college?
If not, he's gonna freak out.
So, how's your first week been?
We haven't had sex
in 14 months.
Oh, she's gone. People leave.
I thought we had something.
Okay? I -- I-I-I talked to her.
to write about you
in our Christmas letter.
Before today, I had never
seen a gravy fountain.
Now, really get tight this time.
There's a buffet and
an open bar for dogs.
Well, I'm just letting a person
You know?
Okay, my sinuses leak,
my -- my ears run,
His dumb dad got transferred
to dumb Africa
Bye, Alec.
Oh, it looks like "Alex."
Because they need
grocery models in Africa.
After two hours of
mind-liquefying "Zooboo,"
Why are you home?
But the people in this party,
He never listens,
but -- but he's sweet.
Probably without those
hand gestures.
There we go. Okay.
So that means that I love dog parties.
Well, come on. Give me a hand.
as a chip to get out of that
stupid picnic tomorrow.
Do you see anyone else in here?
that you would have an admirer.
or by making up a boyfriend...
You don't believe me, do you?
He works at some mattress
store -- Mattress King.
Get out!
I have never met that
girl she tutors in math.
Yes! Our little girl isn't crazy!
What is she doing out here?
We'll get this underneath her.
Doug, no, I don't wanna.
Aired 9 years ago - Nov 19, 2014
Phil is cooking Thanksgiving dinner this year with Luke as his sous chef, and Claire has no confidence in them and prepares a secret turkey of her own as backup. Meanwhile, Jay and Gloria had plans to spend the holiday away but when the trip gets
canceled last minute, they decide not to tell anyone which quickly becomes the worst idea ever since the family dinner gets suddenly moved to their house and it turns into a mad scramble to cover their tracks. Mitch is tired of always being the bad cop so when Lily refuses to wear a nice dress to dinner, he forces Cameron to deal with it who then comes up with a very unconventional approach.
MORE
-LESS
But if it doesn't, this could
save him a lot of embarrassment.
- Not this again.
- What?
Absolutely not, Lily.
Hmm?
This is how she sees us.
and I'm just the
pitchfork-wielding she-devil.
Is that a sock in your sleeve?
I'm not gonna throw away
20 years of --
I don't love being the person
Please, while you and I
are busy being responsible,
Hmm. Look at this.
Con-garage-ulations.
that pretty,
new Thanksgiving dress.
I'm afraid we can't leave
until you put that dress on.
Oh, and right in the middle
of getting up
they might
still have this country.
It looks fine.
The porch light's on.
You just relax.
Oh.
that I would never leave town
without it.
The gravy has a skin on it
like a sharecropper's neck.
I left the centerpiece
in the trunk.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no!
- You have my underwear?!
- No.
Oh, my god.
one of my dad's
hideous leisure suits.
Mitchell, it won't have
any impact if I do it by myself.
No, that's your father's way.
You heard them.
They're coming back.
over our boy clothes, like you.
Okay.
Hola, family!
That's not necessarily
a good thing.
But it's time
to cross the finish line.
Just some last-minute touches,
and we're good to go.
No. No, it was an accident.
We're good.
I swear. I barely even
look at you anymore.
- Uh, you meant "hug," didn't you?
- Yup. Mm-hmm.
I'm gonna get them
all loaded up on bread.
Ju-- but just so you know,
I had one parent growing up
Lily.
Now, put that backpack on
and march it out to the car!
Claire, why is there
a fully cooked turkey
Aired 9 years ago - Nov 12, 2014
Phil and Claire don't know if they should be happy or concerned that Haley and Andy are spending a lot of time together, however, they soon find things are not what they appear. Gloria is pushing Manny to learn Spanish instead of French so she goes
ahead and hires a Spanish tutor, Diego, who also happens to be very handsome, much to Manny and Jay's chagrin. Meanwhile, Mitch and Cam meet a popular news reporter at a school function and one of them piques her journalistic interest.
MORE
-LESS
- Hey, honey!
- Oh, hey!
I don't think she's
getting enough sleep.
I was getting a 4.0 in college.
Already? Must be nice.
Traditionally, the varsity coach
and his wife
No, unless you can convince
Tom Brady to spend the night,
as any straight couple.
Andy. Of course.
Come on in.
Sorry. I didn't...
See you.
Sometimes a boy might
be a good distraction?
...
Don, can you tell
there's nothing in here?
What's up, guys!?
so he's going
to teach Joe to swim.
You know, after you showed us
that cool model,
finding passive-aggressive ways
I'm sure Alex slept.
with her skirt on my head.
I am not having sex with Andy.
We're just friends.
Come inside. Are you ready?
Oh, this one?
Mitchell, she was an equal
to Coach Taylor.
and know how important it is.
but I resent the way
you're treating me today.
I also know you can't force a kid
I can't believe
that you're being so...
You should try talking
in my shoes for one mile!
is for "women," am I right?
Oh, yeah?
What can I do for ya?
a guy who provided
all this for his family.
I'm just not in the market
for an assistant right now.
Uh, I'm a hard worker,
I am very clean,
I'm introducing you
to my new assistant.
No. We were just
helping each other
I felt awful after
that pancake breakfast,
And he wasn't doing
any of it for himself.
But what this case...
Listen, I'm sorry I let Manny
switch over to French
...
until I meet with Gavin Sinclair.
- put you --
- Ah! I'm really too busy right now.
Thanks for coming by, though.
There are five things wrong
with Nikki's outfit.
Aired 10 years ago - Oct 29, 2014
Claire allows Phil to take over Halloween this year, so he decides to turn the house into AwesomeLand. Cameron gets overwhelmed by the day’s activities. Mitchell has closing arguments for a huge case, and it doesn’t help that the stenographer is dressed like a spider.
Big, pretty umbrellas --
those are awesome.
Wait. Where is Holly?
are complicated and technical,
So, because of this marriage,
and I got Stella cat ears.
I have an idea.
Ohhh.
Honey, I don't think that fits.
I kiss my mom hotter than that.
We're not doing scary this year.
I'd have to see
a prescription for that.
You are so lucky that
I have to go to work today,
Well, since you got
an excuse, princess,
I meant, how are
your costumes related?
I haven't gone out
with a whitebeard
run my hand through my hair.
you were using this morning
on your finger?
Shouldn't you be at work?
The kids are gonna be
deranged mental patients,
You know, I put a lot of time
and energy into my thing,
Well -- honey, look!
Oh, my God.
I have to tell Lily.
Oh, so this is how
we call each other now?
Well, you have no idea
what's happening here.
No, Lily! Wait!
handsome Hawaiian
or sexy scotsman?
I don't understand
your relationship with her.
You really think it's appropriate
This thing is like
a Temple Grandin hug.
Do I look happy?
No, it's supposed to be awesome.
No, it's not okay, Ronnie!
she spent six months
in a cuckoo farm in Nevada.
the intricate web of deceit.
You're losing your
fifth case in a row?
Oh, come on! Come on!
the court stenographer
will now remove the costume.
if someone had dipped into
my nest egg like that, uh...
You should check it out sometime.
Claire, I know this isn't
the Halloween you wanted,
"shut up, troll.
Why am I even talking to you?"
We all do, but I lost my wig,
Did you just ask that fake doctor
about hair plugs?
When you were
a little extra-enthusiastic?
I loved that you were
having fun with us.
That's your costume?
A big nose?
I bet all the full-size
candy bars are gone.
- It's right here. Stop. Just calm down.
- Okay.
Aired 10 years ago - Oct 22, 2014
Phil is selling the house next door and he and Claire are excited by the prospect of having wonderful new neighbors, but that quickly turns into panic when a loud and obnoxious couple come to look at the house. Jay forbids Manny to see his new
girlfriend when he realizes she’s the granddaughter of his biggest business rival. Mitch and Cam are determined to switch Lily out of Mrs. Plank’s class since she is known to rule with an iron fist – and she also scares them.
MORE
-LESS
That's exactly right.
- Closets. Yeah.
- ...Closets.
It was devastating.
It wasn't a real unicorn.
There's an opening
in Miss Sparrow's class.
who is stressing Lily out.
I have the courage
to say what others won't.
So, what do ya think?
Do you still love it?
I've had that dream.
We did it. We are gonna have
the best neighbors ever!
or you can go live
with your boyfriend.
It'll be like living at an El Torito.
And this hot lady right here
is my wife, Amber.
Well, I'm basically a doctor.
She's the granddaughter
of my worst enemy.
Damn it, she saw the sock it to me!
we've been experimenting
with lighted hanging rods?
I don't want all this sap
all over my lawn couch.
What?! That's a terrible idea!
Uh, well, we're Lily's parents.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Is that something
that you would...
Are you suggesting that your
daughter is at a disadvantage
in Miss Sparrow's class.
So she can go.
this is where I first tried
pretzel bread?
This is crazy.
People were gonna get hurt!
Sooner than you think.
What?
Let's off that top, Lisa.
Nothing inappropriate, of course.
and bought in the orient --
like your wife.
Shut up.
from their grandfathers
about boys.
We -- we know you've been
stressed out at school,
I don't want to play with yarn.
I could not sleep all night
We went to her
brother's restaurant.
Maybe, isn't it possible
I'll never send you
to bed without a hug.
Those lunatics priced themselves
out of business years ago.
We got to put
an end to it right now.
Okay, keep in mind
I'm not in makeup yet,
You said you were
under pressure...
Pritchett, I wish I had
a number-10 mirror
Well, look at this bachelor pad.
Aired 10 years ago - Oct 15, 2014
The Dunphys stay in a cramped hotel room while the house is treated for mold; Gloria feels protective when Manny starts dating an older girl; Cameron wants to maintain his team's winning streak but fears Mitchell is a jinx.
See, the mailbox is like a time portal.
I'm sorry, but I'm afraid
I'm gonna have to bar you
What? No, it wasn't.
Then I'm gonna strip her down
and tie her to the bed.
that, that would show her.
God, he's right.
astonished,
at their lustrous brilliance,
All right, so we're driving up
to get this abortion
So, we turned around and went home
and two-and-a-half months later
You've totally ruined this trip for me!
what are you doing with a gun?
And finally, still no word on
the disappearance of Lois Griffin,
Oh, yes, I'm sure they'll find her.
I want my family back!
in bed.
- Joe's a friend of mine.
- No, it's okay.
Did we get any mail
from Mom at the health spa today?
Stewie,
Oh God,
I've really screwed myself up here.
Honey, I'm going shopping.
"I wish you were dead,"
right before I never saw her again.
That son of a bitch!
He's a killer, like Bernie Goetz!
Wouldn't mind having him with me
next time I go see my mother-in-law.
Um, someone who rented a
speedboat must have left it there.
We won! We won!
Man, I haven't dug through these cans
since Lois died.
Hobey's right, Peter.
It doesn't look good for you.
Look, don't you kids buy any of this
for a second. Your father is innocent.
Oh, nasty!
Peter called me right after
he killed my daughter
Aired 10 years ago - Oct 08, 2014
Phil must make creative edits in Cam and Mitch's wedding video when footage reveals that Phil is responsible for a terrible cold that has plagued the family; Gloria and Jay try to help Manny cope with stress in different ways.
And risk our perfect 3-0 record
You know what I could do...
is coach.
Sydney Barrow --
like my Lily, a gifted child,
I got my kid's game.
Ay. Don't pay attention
to Jay, papi.
Because I have a job
and people are counting on me.
Daddy's approval is
not the medicine that you need.
Dog, dog.
Great contact on that last one.
This time, aim for the ball.
You'll be fine during the game.
Call dad.
- What's up?
- Nothing. I just...
well, you sprained your ankle.
Here I am right before
the cake sneeze.
Like when I do
Yoda walking into a spider web.
Now sad.
Okay, two things --
a movie is a video,
so I've been keeping my distance
to protect him.
I'll bet he's chewing on
his own stomach acid right now.
May your first marriage
be as happy as my second.
What am I gonna do? We have to
show this thing in an hour!
How does someone so smart
sneeze on so many things?
Okay, Lily knows
all the capitals.
Okay. Sydney, forget
that I said that, okay, honey?
Ow! All right, little pull.
Little pull!
What kind of a person calls
a 6-year-old a know-it-all?
Oh, my gosh.
I'm so glad you're here.
Oh, we are so excited
to see it.
You're the coach.
You can't play favorites.
and I thought you were
sending me some signals,
I probably did
send you a signal.
You would've been destroyed.
Sit down.
This is a family dinner.
Or did she make you
feel bad?
Jay does it all the time
with Manny's football.
what exactly
did you mean by that?
I'm sorry. Hasn't Beth broken up
with you, like, 10 times?
I didn't mean to imply
that if we kissed,
Are you prepared
for a bum-scrubbing today, sir?
Aw, come on.
Don't be so formal.
Aired 10 years ago - Oct 01, 2014
Jay and Gloria can't agree on what kind of anniversary gifts they want to exchange; the Dunphys go with Alex to Caltech for her college tour; Mitch, Cam and Lily take a new family portrait.
- Carl, I'm so sorry.
- Wow, Meg,
I don't have any money
so I'm going to have to pay
- You could do that?!
- Absolutely.
"Faster Than the Speed of Love."
one of the World War II guys is Japanese,
but they accept him anyway.
- Oh, definitely.
- Am I right?
It'd be so great if we were
at least living together.
Don't you understand?! I don't want a
committed relationship with Jillian.
Oh, I was just on my way back
from the cobbler.
And that's the worst part.
I can't afford the rent.
That's a mighty full sack
you're carrying.
Hey, guys.
Um...
No.
who never take the moff are hot,
you know?
where is the chase and
how do I cut to it?
You're so fatherly.
It really turns me on.
There aren't any, Brian!
You need to come in here!
Meg, less talkie, more sweepy.
No.
Hey, by the way, you know who else
is hot in kind of a screwed up way?
You know, she was in Leaving Las Vegas
in addition to Adventures in Babysitting.
Like, uh...
And then he meets a whore and pays her
a bunch of money to stay with him,
- She was in that.
- Yeah.
Stewie, what the hell are you doing?
Go back to bed.
- What did he say?
- Uh, nothing.
Well, honestly, no.
And then he got Parkinson's.
"that all men are created equal."
Hardly anybody's hiring right now.
I'm sorry, what?
I just got my paycheck and my salary's
doubled ever since Meg got fired.
And you'd be one terrific brother
if you could help her.
The runners will score and a cascade
of "boos" rain down from the stands
which calls to mind
the question once again,
Yeah, everybody's having a good time.
Hey there, buddy.
Check it out. Check it out.
No way! We have to talk about it!
She's hired, she's hired!
I know who can cheer you up.
Aired 10 years ago - Sep 24, 2014
When Alex returns from a humanitarian trip, the family dynamic shifts; Cameron remains in a lovey-dovey mood even after the honeymoon ends; Gloria gives Jay a taste of his own medicine after noticing the lack of effort he puts into his appearance.
(crash)
Well, contribute to
pointing your gun at that door.
- OK, I clicked "Preferences".
- Now go to "Default media browser".
All right. It's telling me
I have to download RealPlayer 7.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
"No, it's OK, he won't mind."
Ooh, ooh! OK, OK. I'm feeling number 14.
Let's go with number 14.
- My father was a service droid!
- Hey, where are you going?
Oh, man, this looks like
the wrong neighbourhood.
(♪ Minuet from "String Quintet No 5"
by Boccherini)
No. It's virtually indestructible - like, 99.99%.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
That sounds like a pretty big design flaw.
That would look terrible -
we gotta think about resale.
That property is in a prime location -
20 minutes to the beach, same to downtown.
- We'll get estimates.
- Get estimates, yeah. Yeah.
(woman) Luke? Luke?
One day, I'm just gonna take off and join
the rebellion, whether you like it or not.
(melancholy music)
John Williams and the
London Symphony Orchestra, everybody!
Now do the theme to The People's Court.
Oh, this oil bath is gonna feel so good.
Due to a garbled subspace transmission,
My God, you shoot small animals for fun?
- R2, what are you doing out here?
- Beep, oop, beep.
Who the hell are you?
General Kenobi, many years ago
you served my father in the Clone Wars.
... Joey Lawrence haircut.
So I'll assume we can count on your help
Luke, you must learn the ways of the Force
and come with me to Alderaan.
Yeah, everyone in
the neighbourhood has one.
But if they find out who the Jawas sold them
to, that could lead them back... home!
(♪ parody of theme from "The Simpsons")
Sorry, private party tonight.
- I don't like you either.
- You don't even know me!
- Same song. Here we go.
- (same tune resumes)
so I'm gonna assume there's no one in there.