Aired 9 years ago - May 20, 2015
Jack and Diane look for clues about their roots for their class assignment, a history of the Johnson family. But when they can't find anything out about the family's past, Pops comes to the rescue with the colorful story of how "Pops' Pops' Pops'"
great-great grandfather, Drex Johnson, bet the future of the Johnson family against a ruthless gangster, Elroy Savoy, during the 1920s Harlem Renaissance
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was the legendary sports
bookie Bippy Barnes.
You're saying, "you bet your sweet Bippy"
A dancer with lustrous ebony locks,
And we're off.
I swear, Bea, one day, you'll
never have to work again.
- You know what, Bea?
- Hmm?
Like, uh, Zora the coat-check girl
I'll get your coat in a jiff.
I've been looking to
score a good diamond heist.
downtown they were still in the dark ages.
But I think we should make the
servant child a little darker.
Oh. Why is this still warm?
Just a huge negro lover.
Listen, Drex, if you want
to take it to the next level
Mm!
Me... I'll never get into Savoy.
raisins, damp socks, uncured bacon.
an insane janitor who lived under a train?
stood about your height,
named Adolf who stole
Charlie Chaplin's mustache.
What?
Hey, where the hell's our sheet music?
Stop lying about how your
idiot grandaddy invented jazz.
Hop to it, hop to it.
I'm gonna fill that belly with lead.
No one's texting, posting, streaming.
And the sound of the
rain against my windowpane
'Cause you ain't around
And every time, all eyes was on me.
Elroy's boys
The man is a degenerate gambler.
Don't even have the class to
barneymug your bereaved woman.
- Five bucks?
- Mm-hmm.
But if you win, you get my life savings.
Me? Dance for you?
Drex "the ice man cometh" vs.
Jolly "the jumping runner."
- I... well, I...
- Never mind. Never mind.
That's my man.
Ohh, I slipped on something.
Turn it up! Ha ha! Ha ha!
- I'm gonna rip his head off.
- No, Bea. Bea, Bea.
Aired 9 years ago - May 13, 2015
Liberals Dre and Bow go ballistic when Junior declares he's joined the Young Republican Club to impress a girl (ironically named Hillary). Since they really can't believe any reasonable black people would be Republicans, Dre and Bow arrange to meet
Hillary's wealthy and conservative parents. Meanwhile, everyone teases Zoey when she finds out she needs glasses.
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No, mama. A Republican.
Oh, Jesus! Black Jesus! Sarah Palin.
And this morning, you
almost brushed your teeth
No, no, no. I can see fine... ow!
- Chair check!
- Chair check!
Boom! Found it.
that the party needs.
and still be cool.
of the Golden State Warriors backcourt.
and I cannot tell you how
often he starts a sentence with,
and did everything he was told,
♪ Party time, party time, party... ♪
so I guess you're gonna
have to live with it
She's black? What is going on?
Ugh. I look like someone
I wouldn't let sit with me.
when you can finally see the world?
I can read that. I can read that.
- Hey.
- Hey. Oh! I talked to junior.
That's worse, Dre.
because I told you to.
speak at the Reagan library.
- Hmm.
- That should be the name of his book...
Whoa, guys, I think you're right.
Hold on. Diane, I said bedtime.
Why you still standing there?
Son, you cannot become a
Republican because of a girl.
Bow?
- Why?
- Bow?
Oh, Hillary's father thinks I should run
It's great to be here,
Bill. Let me start by saying,
I got it.
Mom, is it all right if
I give junior the tour?
How about some lemonade?
- Mmm! Mmm!
- Oh, my God.
Wow. This says that 70% of girls
who get glasses become obese.
the only reason the
right wing wants to enact
You know, there are so many
perspectives in the world.
but the G.O.P. Is a big tent,
and the world is changing.
leaning in and whatnot.
So you think it's selfish to save lives?
- Can a brother talk?
- Uh, no one's interrupting you.
- Let your mama talk.
- Let me talk.
but I can't say we're proud of the process.
- Junior, we screwed up.
- Mmm.
the same things you do? Mmm.
Aired 9 years ago - May 06, 2015
Dre's sister, Rhonda, is in town for Mother's Day and although she hasn't come out to the family, everyone knows she's gay - except Ruby -- and Bow thinks Dre should tell her the truth. Meanwhile, Zoey tries to help Junior have better 'gaydar,' and Diane and Jack compete to see who will have the perfect Mother's Day gift.
Hey, look what I made mom for Mother's Day.
If mom wanted dry pasta on cardboard,
Dude, auntie Rhonda lives
in a one-bedroom apartment
Yeah, this is pretty basic stuff.
'Sup, boss? You look bothered.
health insurance consolidation party
you need to be going to
get? This kid here, right?
She's gon' rock the boat.
Eh...
Uh... And apparently scaring people.
- Hmm?
- Nothing.
Oh. Nurse Larry. Nurse Larry's crazy.
- Tell me, tell me, tell me.
- We're getting married.
Look, it's not about you guys.
It's... it's... it's about mom.
You know, he just kind of,
like, smiles and nods sometimes.
- I'm having another beer.
- What?
Does this say, "I love you"?
Move to the side.
- Hey, Sis. You hungry?
- I could eat.
- Okay.
- You good?
That's all I can do.
Oh, I'm sorry if they don't talk that way
- are getting married?
- Uh...
My sister's not scared of my mom.
Uh-huh.
that you like to weigh in on, and, frankly,
Yes, she's gay, and I'm cool with it.
Your sister really needs your support.
- Awesome.
- Really?
I think my brother and his husband are gay!
- All right.
- Let's see it. Right here. It's easy.
Wow. I can't believe Bow told you.
Hey, you don't owe me an explanation.
You're welcome.
This does not conflict with
the NBA finals, does it?
No?
that I don't want anyone
else to miss out, so...
- Wow. Really?
- Huh?
Rhonda is not gay, fool.
- Don't say that. Don't say that.
- What?
I... Rhonda, I...
Unbelievable.
Who in the hell are you to out me to mom?
Ironically, we're having a
little bit of car trouble.
It's okay, baby. It's my fault anyway.
If it works out for you
guys not to talk about it,
about shellfish and polyester blends.
- Mom! It's not a phase. All right?
- Hmm.
Aired 9 years ago - Apr 29, 2015
When teenager Zoey goes through a mini-rebellion phase by pushing boundaries and acting out, Dre wants to lay down the law, while Bow insists on a softer approach like her mom did with her.
It... and you can have two best friends.
I'm taking the heat so you won't have to.
Walk with me.
That's pretty useful info
for the Research Department.
and I tried talking to
Bow, but that's no help.
Except Eustace kinda
runs the show at my house.
So you can check out all
her Snapchats, Tumblr,
You have got to keep tabs
on your kids at all times.
my co-workers had some good advice...
with the help of this
Russian YouTube hacker.
- I know how to say "no."
- Do you?
- Look at Zoey's pal Sarah...
- Mm-hmm.
Doggy's off the chain. Woof! Woof!
smothering all uncertainty.
Uh, yes.
section, "no driving without a license.
thou shall not put it in your sock drawer.
Dre, your rules are over the top.
We're going somewhere with fewer rules,
let's examine the good book.
See? My head is outside,
How?
I'm only allowed to go
out one night a month.
He's only the guy I've been
obsessed with all semester.
but I can't do that unilaterally.
And it's just CityWalk.
Wow.
- Uh, popular name with girls.
- Yeah.
girlfriends, but you have to be
back in this house by 11:30 sharp.
Power... And mercy.
or I could send her a delicious
tin of Garrett's popcorn.
What?
Behold... the Hamburger-Smoothie.
I knew you were all right.
Tight ship.
I don't know what to do now.
Yeah. That'll teach you to
drink milk without gloves.
And I don't want to
sound like woman, but...
Or coming home from work.
You're right.
Aired 9 years ago - Apr 22, 2015
When super cool — and white – exec Jay Sloane challenges Dre over his street cred and picks inept Charlie for a big urban market account, Dre finds himself questioning his “blackness.” Pops gets a letter from the IRS and fears the worst.
But check this out.
Stevens & Lido, with our peerless mastery
and, uh, day passes to the gym downstairs.
'cause sometimes we don't get our stuff.
It seems like he's the most
important part of the team, man.
with a complete marketing
pitch by the end of the week,
Huh, I wonder what that's like,
He told me not to make it corny.
in between both worlds for too long.
Damn shame.
- Oh, way too comfortable.
- I'm sorry.
to lead up this campaign.
the kettle corn from the farmers' market,
See, that dude, Charlie, though?
Jay, I don't think you know
what you're saying, man.
Oh, word?
I got it.
But I do want to come to dinner.
Yeah, but that's only for looks.
- Sorry, Jack.
- I don't care.
Found these in Dre's closet. Which one?
The I.R.S. came after my daddy,
Well, let's see. There was Dr. Davis.
Not enough.
I need your curls, Bow.
he can anchor the rear in a do-rag.
So, my famous American hero that I chose...
We have to approach this project
I played this all wrong.
I played this all wrong.
Hold on a second.
Please call me Wizzle-dor.
Phillip Phillips is
beatboxing as his opener.
Some dude's making dad act all weird.
I call them kale-ard greens.
But aren't the main
ingredients butter and cheese?
I would have won if not for
the liberal "gotcha" media.
Go upstairs and change for dinner.
we're just talking
about "roots," all right?
Hot sauce for the Mac and teese.
I had left my attaché
case on the squash court.
I said, "good day," sir.
Where the father from "Brady Bunch"
I'm about to lose this account to Charlie.
I mean, I'm almost jealous.
Yep, that's my Uber.
Aired 9 years ago - Apr 08, 2015
When Bow reconnects with her college friends on Facebook, she invites them over for an elaborate dinner party and tries to impress them. But the night of the party, Dre ends up learning a lot of new information about Bow's past. Meanwhile, the kids
discover that one of Bow's friend's was on "The Real World," so they decide to shoot their own reality show and document the party.
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I don't know why she felt the
need to impress these folks,
Oh, I'm so sorry. Oh, goodness.
and then, uh, when I
call you back downstairs,
so we're hurrying.
[Doorbell rings] Nice.
Dre, you promised you
were gonna be on tonight.
Television itself was in its infancy.
We can do better.
if I'm the one doing all the work?
So, the kids had a project for the night.
[Chuckles] Yeah.
Fat Shawn?
Very strong.
Rainbow: Hey, guys.
I wouldn't call it "engaged."
And got really real.
Sweetheart. Yeah, we were engaged,
but it was, like, so long ago.
I'm sorry.
Ah, ah, ah, let's not
forget who's in the hot seat.
Did she just say Lance dumped her?
That's his thing. One man's trash, right?
That don't make me a loser, you know?
with runny mascara and a broken heel.
You know, I'm gonna leave it alone.
Why is there so much
footage of that lady's butt?
your Snookis, your Omarosas,
your Bryant Gumbels.
Kind of crazy finding out that you and Bow
I don't know. Who can
remember? It was college.
I guess I had to end things with Bow
I had a botched
circumcision a few years ago.
Everybody know how to play "I never"?
a Thanksgiving meeting
David Spade's parents.
Okay, okay. I have one.
Lance, I'm sure you're sitting
on a couple of gems. Dre...
I have never been dumped by more
than four people in college.
Okay, yeah, obviously I have
a few skeletons in my closet.
and... and eat my almonds and
just watch me float like an angel!
- I'm buttoning up, so get off of me.
- All right, let me make you some coffee.
Dre, why were you trying to
take me down during "I never"?
but I always saw you as
this brilliant heartbreaker,
Hey, hey. Charlie, Charlie!
- Go get it, thank you.
- I'll go get it.
Lay him back. Quick, get up here.
♪ I'm so lyrically potent and
I'm flowin' and explodin' ♪
I never saved a man's
life on my kitchen counter
but, good news...
Aired 9 years ago - Apr 01, 2015
Bow learns from her colleague that Dre never had the vasectomy a few years back that he was supposedly scheduled, so she decides to see if he'll come clean and tell the truth.
Okay, uh, Dre, what are you gonna do?
I would definitely rather
get shot in the balls.
and she said, "no."
Dre, you are not the father.
It was gonna happen to me.
But compared to a real baby,
If it's a girl...
I mean, pregnancy is bad,
you're pregnant?
Sue me? Why would you sue me?
I make $244,000 a year on
vasectomy cancellation fees.
You know, I just...
Pam is known for the fascial
interposition and cautery.
Oh, that's the kids calling.
A wise man would have taken this as a sign
Hey, guys.
I
No, just, uh... just me.
Stand up.
Lucky for me, all my best
ideas come at 3:00 a.m.
I think I need to turn on the A.C.
Just wish I knew a man
who would do that for me.
It's a big, fat, pork-eating rat.
Here we go.
T-three of them a-are still in the package.
Calm down there, sweet cans.
What?
We need to sue the damn hospital.
Well, uh...
that I finally take the high road.
Hm.
That's another lie, 'cause
I'm not gonna get that done.
I'm not pregnant.
Snip it.
So in case I die?!
But I know you would want me to pick up
As sophisticated viewers,
so I'm gonna need you
to put these two to bed.
So we'll still be the babies?
From the novel "Push" by Sapphire,
Unfortunately, it looks like
you have four broken toes.
Which you didn't get!
and he reads me poetry,
Ohhh.
and the whole house is on fire?
Aired 9 years ago - Mar 25, 2015
Things begin to fall apart, in more ways than one, when Dre hurts himself playing basketball right before his 40th birthday. He hands the planning of his big party over to his much younger, hipper assistant, fearing he really is getting too old to
be cool. Bow and Ruby face off over who can get Dre the best gift, and the kids try to figure out what to give their dad for his special day.
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So no gift cards, no
creepy kid-massage coupons,
It's a big deal, you guys.
Ugh. I did not need to know that, okay?
What can we buy dad that
he can't buy himself?
Our money.
Hey, turning 40... No big deal.
Huh? Uh...
- What?!
- Yeah.
Y'all know I still got
the most swag at this firm.
- That guy's amazing.
- He's so cool.
- You've been limping for years.
- That's my stroll.
Charlie, I don't want your white guys, man.
I'm just here to show these dudes
Don't worry about it, man.
I got a banana in my bag.
I'm dying!
Oh, baby, I'm so sorry about your tooth.
But this is a real crisis.
I'm a cool black dude.
It's gonna be a Jammy Jam.
get my own dance out of it, called the Dre.
♪ Baby ♪
♪ Night and day ♪
I got it. I got it. I got it. I got it.
at the 40th birthday
partay to end all partays!
Can you imagine somebody
actually doing that?
Is that like a mandatory work thing or...?
Uh, maybe a rotating bullpen of deejays.
And you put that all together and you
do it at a crazy-cool secret hot spot,
So, it's my husband's 40th birthday,
Cost a fortune.
I put myself in Curtis' hands
Hey, Dad. Uh, for reasons we can't share,
we need you to help us get in the attic.
- Let's move on to the accoutrements.
- All right.
I wanted to do a walk-through of the venue.
So, you saying no to this?
Kind of making me love him even more.
No. I mean literally tight.
had so much swag that he
would have trusted himself
It's going down!
What's up, man? It's Dre.
But, um, look, man, I'm
glad you can help me out.
Somebody put your hands
in the air one time!
Aired 9 years ago - Mar 04, 2015
Dre, determined to make up for the no-frills, last-minute wedding he and Bow had, organizes an amazing vow renewal for their 15th anniversary. But when Bow's hippie-dippy parents, Alicia and the very white Paul show up unannounced -- bombshells are dropped and old disagreements re-ignite between the two families, especially with Pops and Ruby.
only no love, all Isaacs...
- Ah.
- Josh: Oh.
[Cheers and applause]
Oh, you so white, you the light
that people see before they die.
I think it is. I got to go.
I got to leave right now.
Go back to making fun of Josh,
or I'll fire you.
Okay, but it's got to be a quick one.
Wow.
- Okay.
- Bye!
Hey, son, I'm telling you...
bagging will work.
I guess the lesson started.
Look at this brother
wearing a striped shirt.
you can go to my favorite... "you big."
- Mm-hmm...
- Like a...
Oh, God.
Okay, come here.
and then you don't need
to be scared of the dark, okay?
- Wait. So, there's no Photons?!
- Nope.
[Whimpers] Oh, gosh.
- Rainbow!
- Huh?
Oh, wow, so it looks like
you have an extra day to live.
I'm gonna beat you with one hand
and film it with the other.
_
[Crowd oohs] Just a drip.
As it turns out, the roasts
are strong with this one.
[Laughter]
like you got one set of grandparents.
My son? Where?
Yeah, man, you don't look like
because your son's been aggressive lately.
Uh... detention?
Because he roasted.
♪ Roast-roast roast-roast-roasted them ♪
Sweetheart, I fell asleep trying
to put someone to sleep today.
You don't need to feel afraid
in your own house.
you were the first to ride a bike,
- We have a duty to be good at roasting.
- What?
You're so tired, you look
like... like you drowned.
Bow, this is the dozens, all right?
Bow was right.
I may have created a monster.
Those are some very mixed messages.
Look, man, I taught you
the dozens to defend yourself,
[Door slams]
I don't have any jokes today, just facts.
[Laughs]
No money down on all 2014s!
Aired 9 years ago - Feb 25, 2015
Dre schools Andre Jr. in the art of "playing the dozens," trash talking someone into submission, after he's intimidated by a bully at school, but he succeeds a little too well with his plan; Bow struggles with sleep deprivation when Diane develops a fear of the dark.
only no love, all Isaacs...
- Ah.
- Josh: Oh.
[Cheers and applause]
Oh, you so white, you the light
that people see before they die.
I think it is. I got to go.
I got to leave right now.
Go back to making fun of Josh,
or I'll fire you.
Okay, but it's got to be a quick one.
Wow.
- Okay.
- Bye!
Hey, son, I'm telling you...
bagging will work.
I guess the lesson started.
Look at this brother
wearing a striped shirt.
you can go to my favorite... "you big."
- Mm-hmm...
- Like a...
Oh, God.
Okay, come here.
and then you don't need
to be scared of the dark, okay?
- Wait. So, there's no Photons?!
- Nope.
[Whimpers] Oh, gosh.
- Rainbow!
- Huh?
Oh, wow, so it looks like
you have an extra day to live.
I'm gonna beat you with one hand
and film it with the other.
_
[Crowd oohs] Just a drip.
As it turns out, the roasts
are strong with this one.
[Laughter]
like you got one set of grandparents.
My son? Where?
Yeah, man, you don't look like
because your son's been aggressive lately.
Uh... detention?
Because he roasted.
♪ Roast-roast roast-roast-roasted them ♪
Sweetheart, I fell asleep trying
to put someone to sleep today.
You don't need to feel afraid
in your own house.
you were the first to ride a bike,
- We have a duty to be good at roasting.
- What?
You're so tired, you look
like... like you drowned.
Bow, this is the dozens, all right?
Bow was right.
I may have created a monster.
Those are some very mixed messages.
Look, man, I taught you
the dozens to defend yourself,
[Door slams]
I don't have any jokes today, just facts.
[Laughs]
No money down on all 2014s!
Aired 9 years ago - Feb 18, 2015
When Zoey brings home her first "serious" boyfriend, a boy from school also named Andre, Dre takes an instant dislike to him for many reasons, including the fact that he's white, from France and rather worldly for a kid. He's thrilled when they
break up...until he learns that Andre dumped Zoey because she's too shallow, something Dre takes as a personal affront.
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How does a boob like you get
more Valentines than me?
"you catch more flies with honey"?
But long story short... no ressie,
mad wife, marriage on the line.
Oh, here's your reservation.
Oh, you too.
- Seeing anything we like?
- Yeah. Actually,
Oh, okay. Hold on.
Excuse me, garçon!
Walk me through this skate.
I'm sorry.
Just volunteering my time here.
I see what I did there.
Chicken. Yep. That's it. The chicken.
Thank you so much.
Uh, public land. Out of my control.
You take special moments
and you kill them dead.
Okay. Uh, oh, boy.
Is this the father?
I mean, he's actually part of your life?
I've got to go freshen up.
Hello. I'm Keith.
Told my wife her naan
is not as puffy as my mom's.
Ours is not to reason why.
Hi, Dre.
How long have you two been married?
It's not just a fight about him
leaving the milk on the counter.
when I said you could try my short rib,
You dance well.
I wrote down the rest
of what I wanted to say.
I-I mean, it's the kind of thing
that just throws you,
she lost the moral high ground.
No one else in here is having sex tonight,
- Come on!
- Special sex! Special sex! Special sex!
Quivering lip... go.
the higher she hoists herself,
and then you...
Or I could take it to the next
level and be a legend.
And what else exactly
would I apologize for?
Six long years without
the greatest mug of all time.
Pizza's here!
Oh, my God. What have we done?
every couple has their own set
of nukes pointed at each other.
sippin' chowder out
of Shaquille O'neal's big head
You think everyone is Gene Hackman!
Well, I never read your hip-hop
"Goodfellas" screenplay.
I took the Liberty
of adding a generous tip.
Let go of it!
They ate the rest without me.
- But it's really...
- Now!
You know what the worst part is?
Aired 9 years ago - Feb 11, 2015
Although Dre and Rainbow find they always end up quarreling on their annual Valentine's Day date, this time around, Dre is determined to do everything right and keep the peace. Meanwhile, Diane realizes she may not have received many Valentine's cards because she is too critical, so her siblings decide to teach her how to give a compliment
How does a boob like you get
more Valentines than me?
"you catch more flies with honey"?
Welcome to Everly.
But long story short... no ressie,
mad wife, marriage on the line.
Oh, here's your reservation.
Oh, you too.
I'm just gonna go with the short rib,
Oh, okay. Hold on.
Excuse me, garçon!
Walk me through this skate.
There's just too much baggage between us.
Listen, Diane, there's
something to make fun of
I see what I did there.
Chicken. Yep. That's it. The chicken.
Thank you so much.
Uh, public land. Out of my control.
You take special moments
and you kill them dead.
Uh, okay, baby.
'Cause plenty of women
successfully raise children alone.
I hate Valentine's day.
_
Hello. I'm Keith.
Told my wife her naan
is not as puffy as my mom's.
Ours is not to reason why.
But I wasn't the only one
with a war council.
- Oh, we just got engaged last week.
- Oh, okay.
It's a fight about him
leaving the milk on the counter
I kind of meant just a bite.
You dance well.
I wrote down the rest
of what I wanted to say.
even if it's a natural part of childbirth.
Oh, I get it. Now Dre is the victim.
No one else in here is having sex tonight,
- Come on!
- Special sex! Special sex! Special sex!
Quivering lip... go.
I'm sorry, Dre.
Or I could take it to the next
level and be a legend.
And what else exactly
would I apologize for?
Perfect for coffee, perfect for soup.
Go time, Diane.
Your first real-world test.
I didn't know they'd be sending a mutant.
You were amazing! That guy was rough.
Oddly, it keeps the peace.
sippin' chowder out
of Shaquille O'neal's big head
Well, I never read your hip-hop
"Goodfellas" screenplay.
No, it's mine! Give me it!
All right, look, everybody,
shut up or there's gonna be
I was gonna change!
Aired 9 years ago - Jan 14, 2015
On the way to the Johnson family's annual MLK holiday ski trip, Dre realizes his children may not know the significance of Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. so he decides to inundate them with Dr. King history facts. Once they arrive at the ski lodge, Dre finds a unique way to prepare Junior for a real world that includes intolerance.
that it's a holiday for you two,
O.J. Getting off... black holiday.
* one, two princes kneel before you *
- You almost had us working on Monday.
- Mm.
Me... I'll be at home alone.
- Mm. Yeah.
- That's nice. That's nice.
She's weird?
full of dog attacks,
assassinations, and hosings.
Uh... I need you to tell me
you understand what I mean.
Diane.
Ohh! Yes! Hey!
Do you know who the black
panthers had a problem with?
what was the outcome
of the Montgomery bus boycott?
Charlie, seriously... don't help me.
In that moment, it hit me...
Oh, God! It's the cops!
- DWUB?
- Driving While Black, idiot.
License and registration?
Asking for license and registration...
Uh, you see that?
* I'm all about that bass,
'bout that bass *
I'm just busy passing on the legacy, babe.
There's no midday dance shows on,
* I'm all about that bass,
'bout that bass, no treble *
than a backwoods convenience store
gratuitously named Whitey's.
by his false friendliness, all right?
Yeah, he's gonna hop up any second, son.
Ah! You found the free candy.
What makes you assume we're with him?
Junior's extreme cluelessness
Ooh! Mom, check this out...
In-room spa service.
Me, too. This unit on fractions
has me stressed out.
that Junior understand
I'm sorry, sir.
That couple got the last ones.
- Bow, I'm not doing anything.
- Okay.
is being denied fair treatment.
And he's not going anywhere, either.
Uh... I'm... I'm so sorry.
"Ad-join" me, guys! Come on!
- Get off the cart.
- I shall not be moved.
"Freedom, like adjoining rooms,
is never given,
Okay, look... I know
we would not have been able to stay here.
No. I am a medical doctor
because of "Dr." King.
It's just...
He was holding two buttons and a carrot.
Oh, man. I forgot socks.
Would you like plain or vanilla
Greek yogurt on your feet, ma'am?
Aired 9 years ago - Jan 07, 2015
Dre thinks Rainbow is questioning his machismo after another man dismisses him in front of her. But when Pops swoops in to help his son save face, Ruby is attracted to this show of manliness and the couple reignite their love affair. Meanwhile,
things get awkward when Jr. is selected to play "Romeo" to his sister Zoey's "Juliet" in their school play.
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-LESS
Thank you.
Earl, is it okay if I ride with you?
They were always splitting up
and getting back together.
What?
That guy was kind of tall.
And to be honest, I wasn't
that happy with him, either.
and Cayden Morrison ate some bad pork.
No. But I'm Juliet, your sister.
I'm gonna go try on my tights.
They're being polite.
I told you that wasn't
a coyote I heard last night.
The point is...
No, I'm asking you,
why am I getting a divorce?
No, Dre, you played it wrong.
Did you kiss goodbye this morning?
Imagine David Copperfield with no magic.
Yeah. Dre's got a point. It's...
Our life was just like it had always been.
Meet you in the shower!
Where you think we coming from, fool?
Just like your relationship.
before your husband
showed his ass at the Valet.
Don't you remember why you fell
for him in the first place?
He made those guys apologize.
My lips, two blushing pilgrims,
No.
So, Jack and Diane were
getting attached to the idea
Are you guys gonna get married?
Pops, what's going on with this
mess with you and moms, man?
Yeah, I am, aren't I?
Man, we all in the same game.
Hmm. Even I fell a little bit
in love with me that day.
Oh, and I also need to fix
things with Bow.
- I do now.
- Mm-hmm.
- Turn... turn your ring around.
- Okay, okay. Okay.
Got you some wet-naps, too.
I think you dropped a $20.
As soon as I turn down this alley!
Ugh! Don't bite me!
Finish me off.
- since the Valet thing.
- I know.
I've got too much to lose...
that would fight two guys over mustard.
- Hey.
- Hey, babies.
Oh, I hope you get run over by a big rig!
Okay.
Now, you watch your tone.
I'm still your father, son.
No, no, let me tell you something.
Aired 9 years ago - Dec 10, 2014
Dre campaigns to be the new Santa at the annual office Christmas party, but when that honor goes to Angelica, the lovely head of HR, he goes to great lengths to unseat her, because he's convinced Stevens & Lido needs a black Santa. Meanwhile, Bow is tired of competing with Ruby over who cooks the big Christmas Eve dinner.
Uh-huh.
She's upset about Fred. We all are.
And I will pick a Santa when I get back.
All I'm saying is that
when it comes to Santa,
for my juicy Christmas Eve ham.
But I'll go in if you want me to.
And everybody tells her, a lot.
your traditions may not jibe
put you on a cookie sheet,
George Washington...
the White House was just that... white.
This year, let Stevens & Lido pave the way,
Hey. Cue that back up.
Oh, my God!
When I was a little girl, my mom
used to dress me and my sisters up
But we love grandma's
ham and grandma's Greens
We like the same.
Black people can't be racist.
- That you hosted.
- Co-hosted!
My mama's right, there's supposed to be
a black Santa before a Mexican Santa.
like working harder for less pay.
Yeah, son. We got your back, playa.
Charlie! She could get fired for that.
Let grandma sing. She has the best voice.
* Throw cares away *
Really? You know,
Fred said it was a thankless nightmare.
but this year, I get to put on that suit
"Ho, ho-ho!"
Look, these kids came this close
to getting an incompetent Santa.
Oh, God!
I'm putting my stank on Christmas.
Uh, well, bow,
I could really use some support, okay?
she had a plan to help
our tone-deaf kids shine.
* Dingdong, dingdong,
that is their song *
Yay! Yeah!
Pull it together, buddy.
One terrible, terrible choice.
What's that I hear?
San-ta! San-ta! San-ta!
Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!
Um... Yes, you did.
Okay.
So, now only that I'd become
the first black Santa,
Look, I need your help. Okay? I blew it.
Santa is about children and
bringing them joy and hope!
Hey, I felt bad. I wanted to help.
I-I-it's... I've...
Most loyal customer?
Oh... My God.
with my authentic, down-home holiday feast?
Aired 9 years ago - Dec 03, 2014
Dre wants the family to feel more connected so he encourages "Team Johnson" to embrace what it means to have each other's backs. But Dre creates trouble for himself when he falls short of Bow's expectations. Meanwhile, Bow and Dre invoke "Team Johnson" and put the less-than-enthusiastic Zoey and Andre Jr. in charge of babysitting the twins
Oh. Really?
Well...
Did you hear that?
playing the race card all Willy-Nilly.
Because racism is everywhere, except here.
I thought we were team Johnson.
And agree with you when I don't.
Well, not to me.
That's what you get
Talk some art for me right now, please.
He would fill an entire canvas
with his landscape.
But mom said Zach and I could wear
costumes to the new Marvel movie.
after you were born
before having more children
She was doing great.
All righty. Okay.
I want to be entertained.
Hey, Junior, can we play...
You can't let them ride
down the stairs like that.
What? I practically live in that wing.
I recently dragged Dre to one of
his exhibits, and even he got it.
lies right behind what you actually see.
M-a, m-a, m... ooh!
She's talking about Magritte.
Dre, get off the phone.
Dre, I can't belive you did
that to me again.
Okay, team Johnson.
What happened?
- and then I fell down the stairs.
- Oh, my God.
Why are you here?
I'm watching you.
I'm gonna reward myself
with some chunky monkey.
- Would you like some?
- Yes, I would.
then Jack threw me in a basket,
then pushed me down the stairs.
Come on.
Yep. My peace offering to
Bow had gone unappreciated.
It was outrageous.
You and your foul balls.
about the offensive
and inappropriate things
I'm sorry.
No.
Uh, that's okay.
I don't want to eat ale with the snitch.
I guess not.
- Cool. I don't read those, anyway.
- No one does.
Aired 9 years ago - Nov 19, 2014
Dre’s mother, Ruby, comes for a visit, and she smothers her pork chops with gravy, Dre with love, and would like to flat out smother Bow, who feels the same way about her. Dre tries to find a way to get the two most important women in his life to get along.
She's just a grandma
celebrating her grandkids.
Baby, you gonna have to talk
to Rosario, all right?
(Coughs)
As soon as we have 50 pounds,
Yeah. Don't.
Kyra Kang-Nussbaum?
Fried pork chops, biscuits,
thick-ass gravy.
I used it as garnish for the chops.
His heart stops twice a night.
Um, Ruby...
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
Don't talk to her about my stuff, okay?
I'm just saying it's crazy
for me to talk to my mom.
which is to never talk to my mom again.
Hmm.
A latch-key with no latch...
So let's clean the slate
with this nice, warm bath
That does not sound like you serving me.
(Scoffs)
I just ate too many biscuits.
Between my mom's cough
and Bow making me sleep on the couch,
My wife caught me in bed with my mama.
There's only one way out of this, Dre.
Do you have two families?
Separate but equal.
Ryan gosling said five words in "Drive"
Just stay confident and say hi.
Now break eye contact
and check out another girl.
Oh. Free-styling small talk. Not bad!
That could work.
Mama: Baby boy!
When were you here before?
I'm doing my best to try
to get you guys together.
Ohh. Filthy, filthy man.
and then made the sandwiches
in my back seat.
Mnh-mnh.
you don't have time
to take care of your kids.
No judgment.
Yeah. I'm so riled! I'm riled, Dre!
Easy, girl.
Oh, my God. Where have you been?
Wow. I'm more powerful than I thought.
Kyra used your nerdiness
to try and win a husband on TV.
I'm totally gonna fail
my math test tomorrow.
and she thought you wouldn't
last the first two weeks.
I need some arms around me.
we would call her "Coughy Klatch."
Be real still. Let grandma get you kitschy.
(Dishes clatter)
Aired 10 years ago - Nov 12, 2014
After the kids turn their collective noses up at Dre's favorite cheap restaurant in his old 'hood, he decides it's time to give them a reality check. He insists all of them get jobs. But when Andre Jr. and Zoey start working at his office, he can't
help but interfere, and Jack and Diane's efforts to make some spare cash leave the neighbors thinking the family has fallen on hard times, much to Bow's embarrassment.
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-LESS
you got your ketchup/bologna/
baking soda sandwich.
And if I hear any complaints,
I'm gonna take away more stuff,
Baby, they're spoiled.
as to how they got that way,
but I will use my thumbs.
- Mm-hmm. Bow...
- Hmm?
It's the Greensteins.
And they've got a casserole.
and now because of our kids,
they think we're beggars?
No, not... not... oh, whoa.
Wow. Wow. I'm sorry.
What? No.
Mr. Stevens, you're a self-made man.
They are perfect kids.
I don't even know why I
bring this stuff up in here.
It's impossible for me to grind up food.
You're all getting jobs.
You kids don't appreciate anything,
I took off my kids' brat-floaties
[Sighs] Come on.
child-labor laws forced them into selling
Business is booming. High five for teamwork.
Some fancy lemonade in here.
Janine. Janine! No, you don't understand.
Oh. Sorry, boss! [Chuckles]
See?
Somebody's been to Hawaii.
Teenagers with acne?
That's still a thing.
Hey, this is what we do here.
Good. You filled them up.
No, no! No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Just don't know how I'm gonna
fit this stand into my car.
I'm...
Thank you, Eric. [Chuckles]
You did? That's awesome, dad!
[Loud dance music plays]
Ja. Zat vuz me.
She don't know.
- Been there.
- You know what? This is crazy.
I'm not really sure I even got decaf.
No, she quit. Oh, Dre,
Perfect. All right.
Unless you want to take this over, too.
which I'm pretty sure the neighbors stole
Aired 10 years ago - Oct 29, 2014
Dre fears his holiday fun will be ruined when the older kids balk at the glorious Johnson Halloween tradition of seeing who can pull the most outlandish pranks on each other.
You always think you hear something, Dre.
All right, family room... clear.
- Uh, no.
- Oh.
(Sighs) (Sighs)
(Claps) Hey!
(Laughs) Rainbow: Again, not a prank.
about what you have planned
this year, all right?
- Hey!
- Hey.
Bow, are you hearing this nonsense?
- Don't look at me.
- It's okay, sweetie.
It stings so bad!
I pranked Kris.
Bros tend to be a little touchy
about being startled.
- Hey, babe.
- Hmm?
Uh... today, Kris got pranked
and she'll remember how magical
pranking is and get back in the game.
I enlisted Jack and Diane as
my accomplices to prank Junior,
(Sighs) (Roars)
(Scoffs) Not really.
Wha... What was happening
to my little girl.
Now I'm just a fool dressed like a chair.
and there was no better time to be Tito.
We don't have enough people.
Whoa, why am I the one in the home?
Ooh, look. An idiot in a trash can.
See, Dre?
I wasn't gonna waste
an opportunity to sock a dude.
Do you know Rupaul?
Huh?
Whoever puts on their Halloween costume
What do you mean, you don't want candy?
You just lose one at a time.
What kids?! We don't have kids!
Halloween's over for you, too.
things at work weren't much better.
It's, uh, my fault. I should have known.
as much as the next guy...
Probably more...
So that kind of put a dent in my day,
Got you!
What?
Uh, all right, living room... clear.
Look, now he's making himself big,
like he's facing a bear.
It's like, God, how much can a girl take?
- He's trying to go up the fireplace.
- (Laughs)
You know what 84% of black men don't
do when they hear a scary noise?
- You were so scared.
- You almost peed on you!
(Laughs)
Because the prank king
was way ahead of them.
Aired 10 years ago - Oct 22, 2014
Although Dre and Rainbow agreed they would no longer spank their kids, all bets might be off when Jack disobeys. Now, Zoey, Junior, Diane and a nervous Jack are afraid that their parents will go back on their word.
I can still remember Junior's face
Yeah, but you still have an ass, don't you?
I mean, nobody's gonna spank
a 9th grader, right?
Whupping don't care what you are.
where everyone else came down on spanking.
My dad used to have a Rob Roy,
Hey, what do they do to kids in China?
Well, I'm convinced.
In the abstract, yeah,
It's not up to them. It's our decision.
You just need to admit it.
So, what should I wear to the whupping?
Has anyone seen Jack?
I can't find him anywhere.
What? Outside?
Ha! Gotcha!
You know what? I'm about to whup your ass.
About how when I get home,
I'm gonna whip your behind.
But little did I know,
there was a conspiracy afoot.
Oh, why is she like this?
Okay, do you not understand
what's going to happen?
All weapons to use against mom
when you're killing her with cuteness.
If we don't come up with
a new marketing strategy
So, that's a yes?
What?
Hi, mommy.
♪ Right now I put a spell on you ♪
Don't beat him!
Dre, can I talk to you for a minute?
Oh, yeah.
- Rodent-fast.
- Wait, whoa, whoa, whoa, wait, wait.
Really, 'cause I heard that...
Okay, um...
Guys, that's like 300 mississippis.
We're not exactly selling you out.
Wait. I can't wear this.
We were wrong.
Hey, pops.
and don't want anything bad
to happen to him.
You can never hide again.
Aired 10 years ago - Oct 15, 2014
When Dre agrees to take over Rainbow’s “mom” duties for a week, the overwhelming praise he gets from everyone at his kids’ school goes to his head. He soon finds himself pushing the envelope to outdo everyone, even the school’s “crazy mom”.
Oh, great. That sounds fun for me.
I mean,
there's like a thousand invisible things
Uhp... shut up, boy.
- Who wants some cupcakes?
- [Kids cheering]
♪ you're a shining star ♪
[Chuckles]
[Gasps]
Hands-on Dad... way to go, Dre.
A little heads-up next time would be great,
Candace.
I try.
- I am Cupcake Man.
- Right.
and all I had to do
to make her feel better
Do the birdie!
and introduce my new alter ego,
Pancake Guy.
so please,
let's try not to make too big a deal
I just want to say I'm
sorry about last night.
And that I have a very helpful husband.
I got it.
that consumed my time, money, and youth.
Pops, I'm fine.
And?
It's Cupcake Man.
W-why do you think I need extra help?
Uh, who is also...
That cupcake glory didn't last long, did it?
It's a slow ride to nowhere.
I forgot my gym bag.
So, while I was plotting my
next move as an involved Dad,
Knock-knock.
So, the kids are busy,
and I'm not doing anything,
I like that. I like it. Babe...
I'm baking.
- Here you go. Go get 'em!
- [Chuckles]
but as the next minute
and 37 seconds will show,
I was born in 1820 in a one-room cabin...
- Oh, I'm ruining it?
- Yeah.
Harriet,
could you help a brother out over here
- what the hell is "rigamarole"?
- And dizzy spells I've had
Oh. He's crazy.
In many ways,
I was just like Harriet Tubman...
What was I supposed to do?
You have become the crazy mom.
No, we are talking about you.
You are a praise junkie.
[Drawer slams] Okay, look...
Oh, no, no, no, no, no!
Bow is being unreasonable, man.
Aired 10 years ago - Oct 08, 2014
Dre sets out to expand Andre Jr’s social circle to include more black kids after he discovers Andre Jr. is clueless about “the nod.” Meanwhile, hoping to inspire little Diane to become a doctor, Rainbow takes her to work at the hospital... on what turns out to be the worst day ever.
Aired 10 years ago - Oct 01, 2014
When Dre decides to give Andre Jr. the sex talk, he instantly regrets it when his son won't stop asking questions.
I'm devastated.
You know, my parents never
wore clothes, so...
Hey, Dre. How's life?
it reduces the risk of an office shooting.
I just told him what my father told me.
Well, I'm sure I could squeeze
you in before I go in there
"Zoey hasn't said two words
to you all month."
It's like... it's a lot
of facets to this one.
I'm about to go upstairs
and give Junior the talk.
Show me one place in the Bible
where a kid talks.
Whoo. Okay.
Yeah, maybe about the birds and the bees,
Trying to do telekinesis again?
Just gonna jump right in
there like that, huh, son?
you never spray this on your body.
I think he's getting it because he's
always in his room with the door closed.
But your date could keep kosher,
I heard some kids talking about oral.
So, show me which one of your
crew has the most busted face.
never pick a movie that'll make you cry.
I rewarded myself with a cinnamon stick
while letting bow chew on her defeat.
Now, who do I e-mail
to give a T.E.Di. sex talk?
You know, that's a common
two-parent-home mistake.
- Oh, you're laughing. Okay.
- I'm laughing.
and no one's given us the talk.
about everything that you
told me yesterday about...
- I want bad!
- We'll flip for it.
when he's opened the door
of knowledge to his son.
Ohh. I heard these seniors talking
about a position called the triceratops.
Oh!
You opened Pandora's box
and a triceratops jumped out.
But you know what?
You know? That's the
important part... out loud.
Moms like me... basically just me.
Unless you're in Prague,
where it's just called "sex."
Please, Barbell, just
slip and fall on my throat.
Then the lunch lady popped into my head.
But the other day, I
actually cried afterwards...
- ♪ It keeps coming up anyhow
- ... To avoid him at all costs.
♪ let's talk about sex ♪
My mom game hit an all-time low with Zoey.
- I'm gonna go talk to Junior.
- What?
Yeah, I kind of picked up on that
when you left me hanging for a week,
You have got to tell me what she said.
Aired 10 years ago - Sep 24, 2014
Advertising executive Dre happily anticipates a promotion; Andre Jr. wants to covert to Judaism and have a bar mitzvah like his friends.
Oh, why don't y'all
go get a room?
Why do you have to
get to school so early, son?
Man, isn't that
a woman's sport?
Hey.
You are not in rome!
You're in l.A.!
And I play field hockey."
So when one of us made it,
it was kind of like we all did.
Killer kris.
My dad was a frickin'
field-hockey god.
Listen, we're working on
this folgers copy,
You know,
I'm hearing "historic,"
Even our snacks were divided.
More wine!
All right...
Yeah. Yeah.
Hm.
Excuse me. Excuse me.
All right.
That's right.
Okay. Hello! Okay.
Actually, you told
me I was coming over
I said I wanted to be the first
black svp for stevens & lido,
Obama's the first
black president?
Hey. You two.
You got to stop
with the whole pity-party thing.
Who technically
isn't even really black?
Tomorrow, he's running from
the police in a white bronco.
This is your dream
and this is our plan.
You're welcome.
Mwah. I love you.
And, remember, really put
your swag on it, you know?
"keep it real."
Liza jackson asked
if we could have a playdate.
Why didn't you
just say that?
Oh, and, dad,
me and some of the field mob
Are you listening
to this?
I smell a group hug coming on.
I'm going to the track.
So, then he sent me
a smiley face with a wink.
Dad --
quiet!
A black man,
because I'm throwing you
Hey, hey! Hold on, hold on.
Slow your roll, you two.
Mm-hmm.
You were the one
who brought up
If she thinks I'm finished
with keeping it real,
And lalonde goes down!
I thought it was funny.
Mm!
- Andre.
Bow, I could use your support
right now.
The irony of my pitch,
so we mutually decided
If they'd given it
to someone white,
Okay?