Aired 7 years ago - May 10, 2017
In the Season 3 finale, Dre throws Bow's baby shower and wants it to be unforgettable, but his plans are put on hold when Bow stops by the OB/GYN with a headache and discovers she is having complications.
People want a gift from the heart.
What about you, Junior?
A grown man eating out of a diaper.
But I'm just gonna need you to
pick up the balloons, though.
Oh, not just any baby pool.
Bow and I were born in it.
So it has sacred birth energy
that transcends species.
before the baby steals your spotlight.
How's puberty coming?
Hey, Pops, do you mind
keeping an eye on the kids?
[Shouting]
Oh, my God. Dre.
You don't think this happened
because I put too much stress on you
- So?
- So, I'm afraid
We deliver babies early all
the time at this hospital.
This is a great hospital,
Look, Pops, Bow has
something called preeclampsia,
Hey, man, is there a vending machine...
which means it's best to
have the baby now.
Come on, come on, come on. Let's go.
My mother... She's on her last legs.
Why did I think a bathtub
shark was a good gift?
but if your baby's born
when my mother dies,
Yes, candles and open oxygen tanks...
and they had to do
an emergency C-section.
Why would we need that?
Bow said everything was gonna be okay.
You sure?
Let me handle this.
What's wrong with this damn hospital?
Your high blood pressure's
making you hallucinate.
Wow.
I want the uncut Dilaudid.
- Okay.
- Yep.
- All right? I'm right here.
- Okay.
- All right?
- Mm-hmm.
- Okay.
- All right.
She's on some celebrity-level
narcotics right now.
Your blood pressure's
already coming down.
What... Where are they taking him?
♪
How you feeling, sweetie?
Oh. They say he's doing great.
- Dre.
- But she still had a good time.
- Oh! Um, I also talked to my Uncle Ricky.
- Okay.
Here's a hint... The black one.
Look... Just... Everything's
gonna be all right.
Aired 7 years ago - May 03, 2017
Dre drops Zoey off to college for her two-day orientation, where she hits it off with a fellow freshman after they ditch the campus tour and meet a guy at the Black Student Union booth; and Zoey finds out Dre never turned in her housing application, so she pays a visit to the president and dean to plead for mercy.
Okay, group B, just introduce yourself
Oh... my... God.
I had to get out of there.
Vegan BBQ Society,
what the Black Student Union is?
Wait. You know Professor Telphy?
here, today, at this college.
So with the Sleep Ease pillow...
Oh, so interested.
Oh, we should see what
dorm we're living in.
I don't know. But I was very
serious about how cute he was.
Stacy, hey! I don't see my name.
Not right now, okay?
- The McRib!
- What?
We've got a real problem.
for the new aquatic center, huh?
I'll have you know,
people loved our mac 'n' cheese.
We have a black dorm here on campus?!
That's segregation!
Uh, send her in.
I-I'm here to talk to
you about my housing...
It's a term the kids are using now
So now you agree?
Effective immediately,
we will disband Hawkins Hall.
- Yeah, I'd go anywhere with you.
- What?
Hey!
- No, the Black dorm.
- Well, yeah.
He said that he, maybe,
might want to shut it down.
I could kinda tell you weren't
down, you know, I get it.
from, like, Encino, or...
The guy that hits him with the...
Well, of course you're leaving.
That was never...
Jeez.
Aww, it's totally not your fault.
I had already managed to lose my housing
The only way human beings
can actually learn.
Obviously, no questions, right?
I don't care if you can't
even remember "BSMCRDF,"
Did I have the strong recommendations
What's the most important
part of your job in one word?
Charlie was actually making sense.
to go to Smith or Wellesley or Barnard.
All the qualities that make
us proud to be Titans.
Aired 7 years ago - Apr 26, 2017
When Zoey gets into several colleges around the country, Dre and Bow begin to feel worried and sentimental. They reflect back on memories they’ve had with the family and wonder what life will be like without her around all the time. Pops enlists the twins to try and sway Zoey to go to college in a city they want to visit.
I mean, why do I need a will?
Zoey and I have a
special relationship, too.
Hey, girl.
I needed real help on this one.
I mean, we have practically
raised your kids for you.
You have got to keep tabs
on your kids at all times.
Hey. I don't know how
you're gonna do it, Dre.
Uh, did you ever think
about just breaking her, Dre?
I don't know, Dre.
Sweet Carolina.
Uh, but we don't get to pick
where Zoey goes to college.
I sent Dre to Howard because
I had a little lady friend
Hey, that's what happens when
you live in New York City.
and gave Zoey a taste
of a real New York night.
Oh, my God.
down at the Brooklyn Academy of Music.
Hey, babe. Hey.
Mom bought me winter clothes.
there was only one thing left to do.
All right, this is different from when
I'm not saying, "Don't
go to college, Zoey."
could have gone anywhere he wanted,
It's sexy.
party all night, and then
ride an alligator to school?
I just saw Junior...
That's quite the visual.
Am I standing under a vent?
Nope. Um, a lot of
people think that, though.
Trust me on that, 'cause I done tried.
I-I...
I know!
... or "Take These Broken Wings."
I was gonna say "Sexual Healing."
but you want me to go to NYU?
with The Village Voice.
My babies are in bed.
- ♪ The sandman is coming ♪
- Mom.
and I think you're getting to the age
Oh, my God! You are wearing a bow tie.
the greatest the world has ever seen.
- a slide show for Zoey, Pops.
- Mm-hmm.
- and it has to stop!
- Okay! Okay.
Aired 7 years ago - Apr 26, 2017
Bow’s sister comes to town after filming a stint on a reality show, and they couldn’t have less in common. Meanwhile, Zoey suggests that Dre spend more time with Junior since she’s leaving for college, and Jack and Diane decide to rebrand themselves.
No one ever takes Santamonica seriously,
Silly and serious... Such clichés.
- Enjoy.
- [Sniffs]
You should say something.
But Jack is so small.
♪
Now with nonstop flights to Denver."
"Baileys Almande...
Lighter-tasting, dairy-free."
- But he's not born yet.
- Junior.
My father and I loved
to spend time together.
So... it seemed pretty
dangerous to my dad.
So, Josh had given me a plan.
used to encourage us
to live lives of impact?
Okay, that's not the point.
Things change so quickly in that world.
Junior. I'm talking to you, man.
Say it again to my face.
- [ Horse neighs]
- That... was... incredible!
- [Laughs]
- Wha...
Well, she has always been really lucky.
I am writing an empowerment
guide for women,
because she married an athlete
and then she got alimony.
Of both my girls... Impacting the world.
I know what?
Equally, Rainbow.
- all of our kids equally, either.
- Hmm.
I went in with an open heart.
And you just might find
out that you like her, too.
Whoa.
Zoey was totally wrong about us.
You'll do great.
[ Shouting, swords clanging]
Unh-unh! She's not who she seems!
You want me to be quiet?
I'm gonna watch it in
my bedroom, on a 70-inch,
Listen, marriage is tough.
Sad selfie with my lunch.
Not working?
... is that Eriq La
Salle is right behind you.
I [bleep] hate my sister.
I'm sorry I threw away
all your baby pictures.
so you can concentrate on the magic.
Mom, I know my aura is
coming off sludge brown,
Well, then, neither are mine.
She goes to physical therapy with you?
I love you because of who you are.
What have I become?
Aired 7 years ago - Apr 05, 2017
Dre's sister Rhonda is in town, and he feels a little jealous of her close relationship with Pops. Dre and Bow urge Zoey to take Junior to a high school party, and things get out of hand. Meanwhile, the twins feel like they're soon to be forgotten, and decide to live life to the fullest.
Nothing.
What the hell you doing here?
This is a civilized community.
I've been hiding for two hours.
that is sucking all the
power from my brain.
We're forgotten children.
So, what should we do first?
But there are some adults present,
I am cool!
this punch smells like Pops' room.
I'm at a rager.
You got some extra cash?
Yeah, I was a breadwinner
and a civil-rights pioneer.
Dre's cupcake money is my petty cash!
Dad cheats on everything...
His taxes, his wife, Monopoly.
- Mm-hmm.
- Shot him again.
[Grunting]
[Voice breaking] Mama,
can I ask you something?
Emily! You're the designated survivor!
[Scoffs] Okay.
Oh, no. Oh, no!
Bill Clinton, Zac Efron.
Desmond Tutu, did you steal my peanuts?!
Like the one your sister told
about me and your gym teacher!
- Mama, how could you?!
- Oh, boy, don't make such a fuss.
It's fun when no one cares about you.
♪ One, two, three, get loose now ♪
Junior, stop being so self-conscious.
Did you know these chips are
laced with cannabinoids?
Can I get one for the 'Gram? Shirt off.
Oh, God! Come on! We have to go!
[Police radio chatter]
Hey, Mama.
I don't need you to forgive me.
Look, whatever happened back in the day
But I like that you saw me that way.
Gym teacher, Mama.
And thank you so much for
bringing her home safely.
Zoey, they do not bring
kids home in police cars
And where's your brother?
- Nothing.
- [TV shuts off]
Man, I blamed you for everything
All he's trying to say
He only let it slip about Mom
You were so busy partying
and getting arrested
Aired 7 years ago - Mar 29, 2017
Dre is excited about doing a campaign with a popular rap star but becomes conflicted when Bow and Ruby provide feedback suggesting it plays on stereotypes. Meanwhile, Bow is determined to get the family to stop eating so much take-out food, but realizes the family may be too accustomed to eating whatever they want.
wants to put this much
money into a campaign.
It's not just for New Year's or mimosas.
[Laughter] These are orthopedic.
My check is gonna be so huge.
That is outstanding!
All right, family. Good news.
Yo, Rich Youngsta,
I'm not feeling these pancakes.
♪ Put some Uvo on it
♪ Put some Uvo on it
Yeah, I think I felt feelings.
You should be. I-I don't
know why I did that.
Yeah, and I don't want you guys
to hear all the compliments.
Uh, the intonation of your
compliment sounds weird.
Well, that's the problem.
Let me help you out.
the new 'Put Some Uvo On It' ad?"
So, Dre, how did that feel,
Never thought I'd see this day.
"whose popular character dubbed
But what you're not reading
off the Internet...
- Are you defending him, Dre?
- I...
So disappointed with you, baby.
Uh, yeah. Kind of.
And good for him, Dre.
Look...
♪
so I made dinner for my grandbabies.
Uh, that's because I
don't care what you want.
But I don't like meatloaf.
Because in my day,
there was no food allergies.
Oh, yes.
- Where the...
- And you begat weak,
Yeah, you too, bro. [Chuckles]
Ah, Man! I knew this
was gonna blow up, man!
The girl twin. Malia Obama.
Mississippi. Siri.
that their pregnant doctor-mother made.
Rainbow: Thank you.
Are you surprised, Ruby?
Yes, I do.
then you had to sit there until you did.
- Nice. Let's see.
- Uh! Sorry. You're not going.
Put some Uvo on it.
I had created a phenomenon.
Hey, let me tell you,
♪
how this all goes down.
So, what do you think?
Okay.
Yeah, and all those
things are true, too.
Aired 7 years ago - Mar 15, 2017
Dre considers taking paternity leave after he realizes that Zoey is arguably the best child and their bond developed while he was unemployed when she was born. Meanwhile, Bow tries to hide her pregnancy in order to get a promotion, and Ruby convinces the kids that their nanny, Vivian, is stealing from them.
So, you had four kids and you
weren't home with any of them?
eating a muffin,
and then you came in and told me
- What?
- Charlie: Eustace turned out great, too.
Hey. Has anyone seen my iPod Shuffle?
Do they still make iPod Shuffles?
Ah, I love the track suit
and kitten heels.
Gather quickly.
Oh, we gonna find that Shuffle.
'Cause I know how to...
Hey, Dad... Ohh!
She's perfect.
What if Zoey turned out
so great because I was home
as something more
than just a holiday drink.
Sitting by the fire,
waiting for the phone to ring.
I told you he was gay, Dad.
Legoland.
Stevens: Seriously, just take the shot.
- Mm-hmm.
- And then I nailed it, Dre.
I want my baby to have all the benefits
that people are inherently evil,
which I do.
All this proves is you won't
be able to live near a school.
When someone steals from you,
catch them.
Hey.
But on the plus side,
it did prompt a pop-in visit
And you may also take paternity leave.
So, I was just handing out your account
Well, you'll see enough of them
when you're at home.
in the workplace.
I deserve this,
and I killed it in that meeting.
but now I see that I really have
no reason to be.
No, no. You know he's not for me.
- What?
- Come here, come here.
- N...
- Well, now I'm not into her.
It means I am completely loyal.
Moms cannot do it all.
I'm glad that you are so sensitive
[Cellphone rings]
Okay, okay.
Ruby: Kids!
when you steal from a thief.
She went and got change.
Can you believe that, Vivian?
- It's Vivian.
- Please, Black Nanny,
in a handkerchief claiming it's a shirt.
It's okay. It's okay.
Aired 7 years ago - Mar 08, 2017
Janine gives Diane a white Girlstory doll for her birthday, and when Bow tries to return it for a black doll, she is shocked by the limited options offered. Dre blames the lack of representation of African Americans in the media, but when
confronting this systematic problem, he realizes that he has prejudices of his own. Meanwhile, Ruby enlists the help of Junior to be her Spades partner.
MORE
-LESS
♪♪
And I swear on Earnest's
clogged-up dead heart
Yes. I knew they would,
'cause it's so simple.
♪♪
She's our best-selling GirlStory doll.
Well, mm, except for a few
where are your black dolls?
Uh-huh, okay.
you have dozens of disabled...
who marched on Selma.
Oh, come on.
all the way out to Sunglass Hut.
That is the one thing that reminds me
The images that we see
affect who we are...
Do you think I need to
see Viola Davis snot-cry
That's why your job is so important,
You effect change
in a real and tangible way.
Great. We're not doing it.
Boxable is looking for
the gold standard.
- [Sighs]
- Stevens: Okay, Dre, the gold standard...
but we can't assume that
progress is permanent.
and give the world a
different "gold" standard.
Oh, we don't get days off, or benefits.
that you choose to focus on
our oppression and struggle
- Okay, so...
- I would just love it
"Not enough icing on the
cinnamon rolls in the café"?
your complaint would've
been heard eventually.
Ooh. Nice one, Zoey!
Oh, no. That's gonna bring ants.
The new gold standard.
[voice breaking] and it's always hurt.
And damn it, Charlie.
You always forget to dribble!
Ooh. That's milky right there.
Well, why don't you walk us
through your casting process?
He's right, boss.
- Oh.
- Oh, there it is.
These dolls can't speak, Dre.
You know, I thought I
was gonna heal the world
You want a big change, make a big move!
Dre, this was supposed to be
your "Do the Right Thing,"
No, my babies! No! No!
You know she like young men.
We've been practicing.
[Both laugh]
♪ Until you reach the top ♪
Oh.
Aired 7 years ago - Feb 22, 2017
Dre is forced to participate in jury duty after Junior responds to the summons that was thrown away. The case is supposed to be open and shut, but when Dre sees that the defendant is a young African American, he feels a civic responsibility to give
him a fair trial. Meanwhile, Bow decides to let the kids swear in the house since they are more open with her that way, but she and Ruby soon regret the decision.
MORE
-LESS
The odds are stacked
against the accused,
I just saved you 600
low-quality calories.
and is entitled to a
jury of his own peers.
Hey! Seth! Language!
- [Doorbell rings]
- It's handled.
Please don't take this the wrong way,
Hey, Seth, how many kids in
your class are having sex?
[Laughs] That's impossible.
Junior: This is not just a jury summons.
In some states, they only
have about seven minutes
[Yawns]
I can't stop thinking about
what Janine said to me.
Hey!
Well, I didn't punch anyone in the face,
- Uh...
- Oof.
Rhonda's gay.
This is an open-and-shut case.
[Jury members agreeing]
11 to 1.
Uh, "open-and-shut" just
seems a little fast.
a little bit about the
cursing guidelines
- Yeah, well.
- But you've made your decision.
This gazpacho tastes like [bleep]
Okay, that was so jarring! [Laughs]
because of a series of recent murders.
- Bro.
- I see your vision.
Wow. This is hard.
What? I thought you guys won that one.
No one goes to jury duty, Dre.
Send your proxy.
You know what, Charlie?
I used to blow off my civic duty, too,
Well, is he?
When a person is accused
of a crime in America,
[All cheer]
filled with people who are
purposefully not their peers,
Wow. One in three?
I'm... I'm deceased.
♪ Cold cash money and too short raps ♪
I think this whole swearing
thing was a terrible idea.
- She wouldn't give us an extra 10 minutes to...
- Wait a minute.
in front of everyone.
[Chuckles] Okay.
Since Antoine wasn't going
to get a jury of his peers,
- Okay.
- Wait.
- [Gasps] Beautiful family.
- Mm-hmm.
Well, what the hell was the kid
doing with $500 in his pocket
[Jury members murmuring]
Oh, Dre. We heard you out.
Aired 7 years ago - Feb 15, 2017
When Dre goes back to Compton for a funeral, he is reunited with his old crew and struggles with survivor’s remorse for the friends he left behind. Meanwhile, Bow becomes self-conscious when Ruby criticizes her parenting style.
R.I.P. Tony.
Wait. Why... Why didn't you
ask me to make you something?
Say it out loud.
Thank you, Zoey.
Okay, fine.
no one does it like we do.
[Ding!]
[Wailing] Oh! Why?!
- I pray for you, Dre.
- Mm-hmm.
- I'm great, man. Just had twins.
- Oh!
I can't call it, man,
I... You are dressed up.
♪ Make you real hot ♪
Okay, hey, look.
How was the repass?
Oh, you paid for the funeral.
That's very classy, Dre.
Put your crew on your back.
Get your Kevin Garnett on.
They're not accepting no new members.
Wait, wait, wait. Wait one second. Okay.
I did need to step up,
put my crew on my back.
Damn, Dre. This house is next level.
Bow! Jack's hurt! It's bad!
I just want to tell Dre
how much I love him.
Dre, what are you doing?
Bow, you never ride it.
Oh, okay.
- He looked like he meant business.
- Huh.
I had to take her out of
that neighborhood, Bow.
Thank you, Ma.
So, Grandma's downstairs.
[Laughs] Do you need a costume?
Did you need a costume?
You don't need to do it.
So many people to save, so little time.
Then it was Ronnie's turn.
So I got him a job.
Don't you just love the
imperfect simpleness
Junior: Something on your mind,
with the teasing and the whispering
♪
Hey, Ronnie. Yo, how's that snip, man?
You mean, like, sexual generosity?
Man, come on.
Damn, Hollywood.
Hey. So, how's it coming?
Don't you ever lie to me again
about a four-square base.
Mom, remember when Derek
broke up with me?
So, really, please, just stop.
Aired 7 years ago - Feb 08, 2017
Dre and Bow have a gender reveal party, and Dre is thrilled because it’s his turn to name the baby. He decides on a culturally significant name that Bow and Ruby aren’t a fan of. Meanwhile, Zoey’s plan to have an anti-Valentine’s Day with her friend Shelly is thwarted when Junior asks Shelly out on a date, so Diane tries to fill in as Zoey’s BFF.
Aww, could you get any cuter?
♪
I'm still not convinced
♪
Everything's "No,
Josh." "Leave me alone, Josh."
I'm a corporate evaluator
here to judge productivity
I think you're intelligent, competent,
it's your daughters that
are gonna take care of you
there's no one I'd rather have than her.
Dre: After listening to these idiots,
but you're really starting
to become something.
But that guy can...
The one in the mirror.
[Chuckles] Uh, what's up, Junior?
They got these down at
the Long Beach Aquarium.
- Come on.
- Hey, baby.
- Blue.
- Blue?
Oh, you are the one, son.
What exactly is your
problem with that name?
"DeVonté" is the name
- Thank you, Mama.
- Mm-hmm.
until you hear him talking on the phone.
Okay, because we've given
our kids White names,
[Clears throat]
So you're doing that, huh?
Dre, "DeVonté" sounds like
two names played chicken
He was always sniffing and sneezing,
- I did not, Black man.
- Okay, look.
All right, Black people
were brought over here,
- Yes, sir.
- Then there was the Black nationalists
Charlie: He's right.
I just wanted to say I'm sorry
Anyway, like I was saying, I'm sorry.
Can I get one of those?
It's really nice.
Just like all the fools
at work, Donald Sterling,
People are more accepting
of African names, Dre.
- Can I get a name for that order?
- Sure you can.
"Baby boy DeVonté" is
gonna be just fine.
One ad for a bail bonds.
Devon's tea?
were dashed by a barista named Augustus.
and now I don't know which is which.
two amazing women to each other.
Yeah... because you said you
don't believe in ownership.
I made pizza for three.
Aired 7 years ago - Jan 18, 2017
Bow convinces a begrudging Dre to try therapy, and he learns how to cope with his anger issues. Meanwhile, Johan becomes a life coach to the kids.
Wh...
I'm coming up there for y'all right now!
Well, Mom clearly has poor timing,
Remember, you have an eternal
light that shines inside of you,
Well, I teach people how
to get in life's face.
Great, got it. Zoey, what about you?
- "Is this the day?"
- Mm-hmm.
like you actually cared enough to try.
Yeah, but... but I-I
still don't need therapy.
Yeah. Hey, listen, to be honest,
Dre, as much as you guys complain
Oh, nothing.
Besides, it was just a friendly
disagreement in prayer group.
One or the other, bro. Give me my shoes.
I decided maybe a 50-minute yack session
Well, you probably couldn't afford them.
You know, I was a kid,
then... Boom... I wasn't.
Uh... the stabbing happened
during my childhood, yeah.
to help keep your family stable.
Well, there's no chance
that won't come up
There's got to be other options.
You have a lot more illusions to burn.
Did you know that my issues come
from both my mom and my dad?
- Uh-huh.
- Thank you.
So I'm sure that I can maintain
my tenuous grip on sanity
and I will never do cocaine.
And everybody knows that's a damn wig!
Nope... 3:00, you can easily
get to him, no glass.
I'm sorry I said what I
said about your dumb wig.
Excuse me, Dr. Honey Bunny.
Got to jump in here real quick.
I should've just told him,
"Go to hell, Dr. Jerk!"
Guys, time for our end-of-week
accountability audit.
♪♪
Um...
What, me?
It's a therapy tool.
Say what you want,
I'm not gonna take the bait.
I hired extra security
just to walk the women out
of watermelon Jolly
Ranchers. That's true.
Oh.
Want some paper towels?
Occupied.
and his life coach has a life coach.
Louis!
I was not crying.
Aired 7 years ago - Jan 11, 2017
The nation is still reeling after the outcome of the presidential election, and tensions are particularly high at Dre’s work. Much to his frustration, they haven’t been able to get anything done since election night – eight weeks ago. Meanwhile,
Junior is dealing with a disenfranchised student body as class president, and when he is asked to deliver Martin Luther King Jr.’s “I Have a Dream” speech at school, Pops teaches him there is more to the speech than Junior thought,
MORE
-LESS
How she uses lemonade
as a symbol for women
Your mother's unraveling.
It's also a bowl.
of anxiety and elation,
and we seemed to be
♪
How the hell did we let this
creep up on us like that?
knock this pitch out of the park.
There's no way we're
getting any work done today,
Sweet mother of God,
that man is an evil genius.
Look, I am a ferocious Republican,
Trump is looking to deport.
if I was not clear.
I'm actually mad at myself
for not having started here.
You're talking about the man
who had a left-hand jumper
in the face.
- with an idea for this pitch.
- Well...
And, Dre, I got to be honest.
the first female president,
so can someone explain
Why is she just staring at me?
And there will be neither rest
nor tranquility in America
Martin had a lot more Malcolm
in him than people thought.
Besides, you're underage
anyone who was black,
but what if instead of Obama,
- Ah.
- Man, totally ruined Tic Tacs for me.
- What?
- Hmm?
I'm sorry, but that doesn't work
for me or my family.
This country at its core
is just a company.
like Khloé Kardashian
changes black dudes.
is a vote for racism.
- Thank you.
- [Telephone beeps]
How about while that's cooking,
I've really got to focus on this.
Look, all I know is that man
would never be my president.
You don't think
I care about this country?
But we still played ball,
tried to do our best
Black people wake up every day
believing that our lives
because that's what
you're supposed to do.
when everything was happening
to all of my people
you want me to have your voice.
I'm sorry that I have been acting
Because as a mom, it is
my job to deliver a world
me and my friends will be voting.
This is crazy.
I'm gonna give a speech,
but it's gonna be
sitting right there with Dr. King.
The people needed to hear
that we should be fighting.
Aired 7 years ago - Jan 04, 2017
When Diane stumbles onto some websites that give her more than she bargained for, Dre and Bow must take action. Concerned that the internet is corrupting their children, Dre and Bow decide to make their home an internet free-zone and deal with the backlash.
I didn't even know
what I was looking at.
Uh. Mm.
or curious about something,
just don't go online, all right?
Oh.
Google it. Google it.
but they knew all about filth.
you had to tramp
all the way down to the river,
[Laughs] Boys will be boys.
You fired her to make room
for you creepy son.
College?
That evil child wants me dead.
She knows it.
Pam, she's not addicted!
Sweetie, you need to relax.
Don' worry. I calmed down first.
Pam said that kids looking
at online porn is an epidemic.
I can't just ask them what
they've been doing online.
had really damaged all my kids,
we started spying on them,
... extreme violence,
insane YouTube gamers...
♪ Yeah ♪
He watches some foulmouthed
fish-n-chip-eating Swedish guy
Wait a minute.
Well, it's just a baby pic for
Throwback Thursday, but still.
- Literally the definition.
- Oh.
you want to spend every
waking moment looking your best.
All right. It'll be a
good little experiment.
- See... Dre?
- Yeah?
I thought we would just
make the code my birthday.
Junior: Dad!
Doh.
- Dre! Dre, Dre.
- Yeah.
I wasn't going to save my family
the whole world had caught?
If aliens landed here, they would think
Touch my charger one more time, Dre!
Laptops, iPads, iPhones,
Surfaces, Kindles, Kindle Fires,
I'm grown. Can't control me!
Mm-hmm.
It's not that we don't trust you.
doesn't mean you should be watching it.
Letting yourself be
affected by a stupid boy.
What?
In some ways, it's even safer.
It's where we get all our information.
I mean, he could have family
money or an art collection.
you could use to get
helpful information.
You're just going to have to trust us.
- I can't sleep.
- Mm, me either.
Aired 7 years ago - Dec 14, 2016
Zoey is college-bound, so Dre sets out to create the best family Christmas ever, even having Johan and his best friend, Gigi, over for the celebration. Meanwhile, Bow babysits Gigi's newborn and remembers just how difficult mothering a baby is.
It's even more fun because
then my baby can still live.
- What is that?
- Oh, it's a sleep monitor.
Silly or not, this baby
has not cried once.
Maybe Auntie Bow Bow is a little
out of touch touch.
2016, Zoey and Dre!
I'm trying to spend
some time with my child.
- and a glass of OJ to wash it all down.
- All down.
Get out of my sight.
I'm giving you guys
a sample of the CD I made
- ♪ The boys of the NYPD choir ♪
- Let me see that.
Yeah, I'm just preparing his bath.
germs are actually really good
for a baby's immune system.
And we just sit,
and we wait for 10 minutes
Yeah, I still want to wait for
the smiley face to come, though.
Oh! Found 'em!
- He died?!
- He's dead to Santa.
Okay. Who's going to watch the baby?
[Crying continues]
your mother wanted me
to throw all this out.
Why don't you use
the fancy egg-shell thing?
This.
Even Nat King Cole's song?
Uh, I have a cold sore.
after a long, fulfilling life
Mariah Carey wrote that song in 1994.
Okay, come on.
- ♪ And a poom-poom, just shake ya rump ♪
- [Crying stops]
Hi. Gigi.
- Is everything okay?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah!
♪ ♪
And why are you still here?
["Rump Shaker" plays on headphones]
[Cheers and applause]
Oh, please, Dre. You did it.
Shut up, Johan!
It wasn't that big of a deal!
What?
I love you.
the most memorable Christmas
we'll ever have.
I'm here, too, Dad.
I know, but [sighs] the charity
event and all the kids.
So you made up a charity event
Aired 8 years ago - Dec 07, 2016
Bow urges Dre to use his connections and secure Zoey a fellowship, but he doesn’t want his daughter relying on nepotism. When Bow finds Zoey a place at the hospital, Dre balks at the idea and successfully pulls some strings at Teen Vogue. Meanwhile,
Junior loses his first job at an arcade pizza joint that the twins love after he reports their unclean practices to corporate, and they shut it down.
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-LESS
Got it? Good.
All I'm saying is that if
Zoey wants an internship,
You've been at
Pizza Possum for two days.
They don't just give this
to anybody with a vest.
He's got a new family now...
Corporate America.
It looks great. You're great.
Hold on. Who is saying this stuff?
that Bow would even ask me to help Zoey.
Damn straight.
To make out with my cousin.
Man, I put a gang of onions on there.
I became something...
Junior Account Manager.
Except your ex-wife.
All the white guys at work had
gotten ahead using nepotism,
brought love and light to kids,
And that's not even the worst of it.
How's it going down at the P.P.?
That's definitely not it.
Ask anyone at my school.
What, that you didn't wear
those shoes all day long?
I was gonna find a way out of
your gross internship anyway.
- Yes, I did.
- Hmm.
who will be buried in
a field like Charlie.
Yeah, he'll still never live long enough
- But, Neil, this is my princess Zoey.
- Aww!
your love and adoration for
me spill over onto her.
Okay. Is that vintage Givenchy?
I did beg, and you did hire.
That is a fun thing to learn about you.
Ow! Ow!
Yep, and it's pizza.
Rachel Dolezal,
Everything is done with hands and teeth.
T-They don't let garbage pull looks!
I think you mean "a wunderkind."
Dre, I'm a black woman,
and I went to medical school,
Okay.
It's stakeout time,
and I'm in it for the long...
Watching this fool take
a mid-morning nap,
They know! They're watching me!
Mm, a life sacrificed for honor
is the only life to live.
You are the editor, right?
and does not deserve that promotion.
I-I know you're only giving
Zoey the special treatment
except my assistant whose
dad owns the company.
You gave them your name. Bold.
Aired 8 years ago - Nov 30, 2016
Bow must address unresolved feelings about her own biracial identity when Junior brings home his first girlfriend, who happens to be white. Dre is handling a big project for a client at work and relies on Charlie to teach him how to relate to the
campaign’s white, female point-person. Meanwhile, Zoey needs extra credit for her design class, and asks Jack and Diane if she can remodel their room.
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-LESS
What do you want?
I mean, it's tired, baby-ish.
I trusted you.
Oh, I'm sorry. I thought
this was the men's room.
Thank you for coming
so very much, milady.
- I know my wife is.
- White women aren't scared of me.
Now, Charles, let's pretend
that I am a white woman
Hey. Hey!
Hey, Mom? We'll see you later.
I've shed them a million times.
And eventually, your one joy
White.
is that because my mother's
black but my father's white,
which resulted in
a bunch of folks like me
who learned to read, write,
or even got your freedom.
Suddenly, being any kind
of black was the new black.
And by the early '90s,
Your problem is not
with Junior's girlfriend.
Mm.
is because I don't know who I am.
Didn't you ever struggle
with which box to check?
What's French for "stab victim"?
Mmm.
- You seem out of your league.
- Yeah. Strips and polka dots?
that you have two John Mayer
tickets on you at all times?
Uh, Charles, what is the safest
way to talk to a sistah?
- Ooh.
- Oh.
Okay. That's gross.
Really, really gross.
Those were my friends.
A flying monkey?
It's "R" to the "A" to the "I" to the...
Stop being so hard on yourself.
First of all, a group of Korean
women is called a raft.
It's just one white woman.
remember, they love playing Sudoku."
- That's right.
- Benihana.
He was very good to you.
- Mm.
- Yeah.
- Bow-Bow girl!
- Hi, Daddy.
We cannot wing a
presentation to Microsoft.
I'm looking forward to hearing
what you guys have for me today.
And it comes with a pen,
which does pen things.
Hold on.
Wait... wait a minute. Um...
It's what you work on even
when you are not doing work.
I'm gonna have to rethink
this entire relationship.
Let me walk you out.
Aired 8 years ago - Nov 16, 2016
Pops’ older sister Almaviligerais unexpectedly arrives for Thanksgiving, much to everyone’s delight except Ruby, who can’t stand her ex-sister-in-law. While Bow and Dre go on their last vacation before the baby arrives, the kids try to figure out why Ruby hates Almaviligerais so much.
- Sookie, Sookie, now.
- Yeah. Uh-huh.
- Excuse me?
- Assassination attempts.
Yes!
See, now I know you're lying
'cause they just okay.
Ruby, now you just being
ridiculous. Now let it go.
And it sold for
way over asking,
I heard AV whisper to Pops,
"The eagle has landed."
Have you not watched any
of the links I sent you?
I'm just connecting
some very obvious dots.
This is amazing! - Mm-hmm.
We are gonna reconnect hard.
and the bike rentals are free,
but they go quick.
- I want what's coming to me, Earl!
- Hey, hey, hey, hey.
I mean, you two used to
be the best of friends.
- I'm gonna jack you up!
- Hey!
Mm!
Oh, I know exactly
what this is.
I was touching up my
makeup in the bathroom,
I always have morning sickness
is the last and
final time for me.
- Change is hard.
- Mm-hmm.
- No way!
- Fine. All of it.
Earl made all by himself
Side chicks are very relaxing.
This is my dirty,
filthy money.
So if Pops had nothing to do
with faking the lunar landing,
Ugh. That's so far-fetched.
Does anyone believe dad is
good enough at anything
- No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
- There we go.
and hopefully that will get us
back in the right frame of mind.
Dre, there's no way that a female
therapist can work out my kinks.
Oh. Uh, not that.
Uh-oh. That's her
vengeance song.
Okay. I have had
enough of you, Ruby!
I've seen this before.
It ends with me marrying you,
Pops and auntie AV
have been cheating
Do you want it harder
or softer, Dre?
- Let's do this.
- No means no, Bow!
Here's your share.
I don't care about Calvin!
True.
Ooh. I have an idea.
Excuse me.
I'm going over to the apartment
on Bullis to, uh, relax.
Earl, Ruby's a smart woman,
Aired 8 years ago - Nov 09, 2016
When Jack and Diane bring home the results of their career tests, Dre and Bow must come to terms with the fact that Jack may have a blue-collar future. Meanwhile, Ruby is convinced Diane is possessed with a little help from Junior and Zoey.
Oh.
When I was a kid, they tested me
to believe that they can be anything.
- Aw, he's such a good person.
- He is.
Are you still thinking about how
that test ruined your life, friend?
You are a bum.
Let us turn to the Good Book.
You think everyone is possessed.
but she's not possessed.
So what? He's good at working
with his hands. Good for him.
Jack is fine.
My butler, my stablemen,
my fleet of maids, all good people.
Keep one in the chamber.
Oh, no, no. Paid white craftsmen
served with honor right beside them.
Who, him? No, no, no, no, no.
He was a back breaker. I just said that.
it would also be a tragedy because
he's not living up to his potential.
to whip Bow up
into the same frenzy I was in.
Okay. You know what?
We gotta really push Jack.
Yeah. Nine-fingered future.
Well, now, that's the first time
I've agreed with you.
And you want him to do as
well as his best parent.
You should see your face
'cause nobody knows
how to fix a damn toilet.
Uh, hold on... I-I-I... Hmm.
It's petty. It causes resentment...
- Ah! Oh!
- Of the Lord."
like conjugating Latin.
It's go time, devil. Come on.
- are made for the company.
- Ah! You're dead!
Yep. Part of the creative process.
The longer you take to answer,
- Pretty cool.
- Yeah.
- Ah.
- That was awesome!
Why? All he did was stop a stupid leak.
Jack took one look
at what I did for a living
- Not a real job.
- Yes, I do.
I came home grumpy
'cause I came home to your Mama.
like seeing animals doing people stuff.
and wasting your whole life
damn sure ain't the life
I saw for my son either.
We were just messing with you.
And I had dry ice in my mouth.
You all had a nice laugh
at my need to expel Satan.
Aired 8 years ago - Oct 26, 2016
After Junior embarrasses Dre during a basketball game, Dre decides to remind Junior of his master pranking skills so he’ll never challenge him again. Meanwhile, the neighborhood participates in a “mischief night” during Halloween where petty crimes become legal, and Ruby takes it too far with the kids.
You thought you killed a baby!
And bam! I'm back on top.
- Hmm.
- [Doorbell rings]
Oh, no, no, bronzer.
This is not blackface.
So this year, I thought
we just lock it down
Wait, what?
Great name for it, Rainbow.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.
and freshly looted Kenmores came in.
It was hilarious.
I can't even tell anymore.
you have these adorable folds
on the side of your mouth.
A lot of people are allergic to peanuts.
Did you just say "Sixteen Chapel"?
Yeah.
Ooh, look at that big-booty
girl over there crying.
- You didn't hear?
- Hear what?
Yeah, if they end up at
the top of a clock tower,
Your neighborhood thanks
you for you participation.
Dude, there's nothing there.
Uh, why aren't you outside purging?
Ah, it's okay, son.
Lady, stop. Don't run.
no, Charlie.
There's no such thing as ghosts, okay?
where I capture his
humiliation on video.
and have breakfast for dinner.
♪
Does you husband spend too much time
Did your neighbor ask
to touch your hair?
Of course, probably.
You know, I'm sure he's
gonna be all right, Charlie.
[Chuckles] Cool.
We are taking a little
purge time-out, okay?
Oh.
Okay, I am worried about you.
[Screams]
Yep, and I'm not really dead. Right?
That doesn't answer my question.
Sweetheart, we'll be
right behind you, okay?
and a spiral fracture to
his right fibula and tibia.
Uh, can't we talk right here?
He's just gonna be doubling up
on what you're about to hear.
Daddy trouts eat their sons.
♪
- Mm-hmm.
- Are you seeing this?
You mess with my mailbox? Huh?
Aired 8 years ago - Oct 12, 2016
After a situation arises at work, Dre’s views are confronted regarding how black people are perceived now versus when he grew up. He wants to be more open-minded about being a part of his community, and his first step is joining his Homeowners’
Association. Meanwhile, Bow wants to spend more time with the kids before the new baby arrives and gets advice from Pops on how to make them want to be around her.
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-LESS
What were your plans here today?
Well, come on, new baby.
You.
with just a few simple techniques
No, my poet name is They Call Me Johan.
and illegal to scare the Caucasians.
Yeah, dude, Rich Homie
Quan don't even know
I am not dabbing.
Hey, hey. Come to my
spoken-word showcase!
I couldn't possibly hate you
any more than I do right now.
The second time was his fault.
Yeah, there's a gate,
but it's never locked.
No, no, I live alone. Just me.
Well, if you say it out loud,
anything sounds crazy.
You don't get to take my struggle, Bow!
- I know how they end.
- Okay.
then they're not gonna change
I don't know,
but I'm glad I said it now.
and I tried waving
at one of my neighbors.
Oh, and you always wave to those
cute African-American kids
I see hanging out with your
children is going real well.
Oh, well... Oh.
But I have three moves
Mm-hmm.
I'll bring them along just in
case somebody wants to get woke.
What are you doing here?
how Columbus must have felt
when he discovered America.
You know what I mean, Dre.
because I've... I got
to hear his poetry.
I don't.
Uh, what's for dinner?
_
I'm a man that can admit
when he's wrong.
I can't believe I listened to Bow.
For what? We're just going
up the street.
What am I gonna do?
Black lives are at stake!
that I'll be videotaping tonight.
You think if they're hungry,
they'll appreciate me more.
Aired 8 years ago - Oct 05, 2016
With Obama leaving office and the upcoming election, Dre finds a new candidate to believe in – Junior. Junior is running for class president and is overqualified for the job, but he just can’t seem to connect with his fellow classmates. Dre becomes
his campaign manager and tries to make Junior appeal to the masses. Meanwhile, Pops, Johan and Jack discuss why they’re not voting in the upcoming election, and Bow is worried that Zoey’s college essay is not going to get her into college.
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What's wrong with you?
We weren't raised that way.
We're "supposedly" voting
for a new class pet.
If elected, I would be the
most qualified president ever.
Breathability, walkability,
sensuability.
Oh, sweetie. Oh, sweetie, I'm so sorry.
No! Not Buchanan!
Lord, why is this child
testing me today?
Hey, how is your application coming?
Excuse me. I had a 3.6,
and I went to Brown.
- That's what I'm talking about.
- Mm-hmm.
[Laptop closes] Dre's Obama memorial.
How are they gonna know that
they have opportunities?
Oh, I'm sorry. You probably know
him as the New Haven Ripper.
Who's talking about strangling?
Okay, Connie, now,
that's just home talk,
If you can get past all the projectiles
What? No.
because of one bad speech
in an unflattering pantsuit.
Your school has never
had a black president?
Pea coat, New Balance, and Frisbee.
but for now, it's still ours.
You need to stay out of this.
Are we still talking about a class pet?
So what are you thinking of listing?
and you say "nothing," do
you actually mean nothing?
[Chuckles]
♪ Credit cards and the scammers ♪
Siri: I found a Panda
Express on Ventura.
"10 Million Fireflies"
is hard to recover from.
So Popeye's Friday wasn't
enough to convince you?
next week, nobody talk about it either.
What is your ideal candidate's
stance on global warming?
No wonder they keep coming
over here, taking our jobs.
- Okay.
- Great again!
White guilt was in.
[Murmuring continues]
[Chuckles]
How could they say I rigged it?
I didn't rig anything.
Look at this.
No, baby, I'm a Democrat.
Stop.
♪ The good times that made us laugh ♪
Dre, that's disgusting.
and we finally got there with Obama.
Aired 8 years ago - Sep 28, 2016
When Dre discovers that Zoey is questioning her belief in God, he undergoes a crisis of faith and leans on family members and coworkers for their input. Meanwhile, Bow’s brother Johan comes to stay with The Johnsons after living abroad and becomes an instant thorn in Dre’s side.
Big fan of religion, though.
Okay, it's right there.
You know what the Bible
Belt is synonymous with?
Dre, you got this.
and that something was God.
something better is coming
in this world or the next.
- _
- [Indistinct conversation]
This is some white [bleep].
So from here on out, no
more almond milk, radicchio,
There's a straight line
from entitlement to atheism.
but something happens,
and you feel... something.
Please tell me you said "aneurysm."
- Just...
- Yeah, questions like,
Let the miracle of your
aneurysm take her now.
- Married into that.
- I did.
God looks like a 20-minute screen saver
Our Father, who art in heaven,
That's the day I'm
actually gonna have cookies.
Soap in the soap dish.
It was time to get
real with Zoey,
- Eh.
- Ah.
Oh, you sound so stupid.
didn't God kill everyone
that wasn't named Noah?
that's higher than you.
But everything they gave
you, God gave them!
but this is where I'm at right now.
♪
♪
"Dear God, thank you for my
pretty house and all my friends."
What are you talking about?
Please, God, let there
be some pizza left.
Listen...
I mean, you're
usually there for me.
Black nanny... what...
what is her name?
Dear God, Father above,
giver of strength...
What did I tell you about
eating sugary snacks in bed?
- All right.
- This is disgusting.
Used to cry all the time, period.
Is he gonna ask me to kill Junior next?
when she finds herself
alone in that foxhole.
who can handle whatever
life throws at her.
And... and I'm not trying to
say anything by this.
Uggs.
Wow, they must've gotten
up on each other's shoulders
Oh, like how they learned
to mirror-glaze the toilet,
He can't even close an envelope.
Bonjour. Is this Rite Aid?
Aired 8 years ago - Sep 21, 2016
Dre decides to take his family to Walt Disney World on the magical, first-class vacation experience he was never able to have as a kid. With the help of a VIP tour guide, Dre and the kids take full advantage of their VIP status. Meanwhile, Bow, Pops and Ruby set off on their own adventure at Walt Disney World.
You know what?
You didn't have to come.
What do you mean?
[ Chuckles ]
- Talking about "better be"?
- Mama. This is Cody.
I was a place kicker for
an arena football team.
I wish you would!
When you get a job,
yeah.
So, we don't have to wait
in that line?
Uh, who is Microsoft?
Eh, it's just a flattering
form of racism, son.
Oh. Okay, well, there's a lot of
other rides I can ride, right?
the way the baby
ruined hers.
But eventually, they started
to get the hang of it.
♪ And I wouldn't
last these shows ♪
courtesy
of our ungrateful son.
Every ride I like
is off limits for me.
at the Chuck E. Cheese
in Torrance.
You know, I don't see any other V.I.P.
guides out here.
The kids like you.
Okay? Now, what is the
most popular ride here?
Well,
where's the damn exit?
Ruby: It's terrible!
Just a lifelike illusion
Dre:
Here we go! Here we go!
Thank you, Disney gods!
- Flamingos.
- Whoa, flamingos.
- Oh, my God.
- What is it?
Describe it to me!
Let's use our
mind cameras.
Uh...
Okay, Cody, so --
Nooooooooooo!
Mm-hmm.
Okay, let's do this.
Uh, let's pretend as if I have
absolutely no idea who you are,
Yeah, playing with
our emotions.
Maybe sneak out above the clouds
on that adorable elephant.
Uh...
Huh? And you know
what's worse?
but I hate you.
We keep looking
for the exits,
There's a real exit
right -- right there.
while this... magnificent
parade goes by.
♪ Don't believe me,
ask the dishes ♪
Check this out.
[ Clears throat ]
Hi.
[ Higher-pitched ] Hi.
Are you allowed
to eat that?
Well, I had the worst day ever
with your spoiled-ass kids.