It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Dennis reveals he has a baby after his Wade Boggs layover in North Dakota and the gang try to help him get out of the jam, but their suggestions border on the extreme.

for Mandy by telling her that you're gay.

stinks, because it's always about money with women.

All right, next plan. Dee.

- Yes! Yes. - Mm.

of all the knickknacks that burned in the fire.

Um... there's really no easy way to say this,

Yeah, I, uh... I sleep with women,

Sure.

- Yeah. No. - Wow. I wasn't expecting that.

and it's a dollar a minute starting... now.

I see you. You poke around the preschools

On-again, off-again troubles with alcohol.

You're never gonna have to work another day in your life. See? Zzz.

Did you really think that this was gonna work?

I don't understand what's so terrible about me.

- Okay? - No, get a hotel.

I am not gonna pretend to be in a relationship

I'm gonna sleep next to the dildo bike.

- Oh, yeah. - Yeah.

Hey, you know, speaking of which, um,

Are you serious?

Oh, but I love this place.

I need to control my emotions?

- I'm in trouble here. - What? What are you doing here?

She's, like, acting like a real bitch now.

I'm spent; I'm really exhausted.

- We can't find them! - Come on, leave me alone.

Uh, Dee, eggs, okay? I'm freaking out.

I need you to watch Brian Jr. for a few hours.

Oh, Dee, don't get emotional.

Um, so, Mandy, um, we have brought you here,

I don't know.

because I think to pay a million bucks to get laid...

If you need more money, call me up,

- I'm not gonna bang you. - I don't want to bang you, either, Frank,

I'm gonna go to the can and make my morning move.

And spin more perverted tales about me? Why am I a gimp?

All right, then we're gonna need a lot of eggs.

It's time for Brian LeFevre to die.

What? Who?

What do you mean it's not safe? I don't... Oh, my God.

You... you have to run and not ever look back.

Not a regular hospital, though, 'cause technically,

Brian Jr.

You big city folks sure like to complicate things, don't ya?

Oh.

We get to see a typical day in Cricket's world and then a possible redemption when his family intervenes. Will Cricket finally move on from the gang, finding love in the process? Will Cricket go from filthy beast to his former self, Matthew Mara?

Well, that... don't count that.

Maybe it's time to make a change.

I'm gonna sleep well tonight.

- Calm down, Davy. - He's a homeless junkie, Dad.

- Whatever, Davy Diapers. - I will kill you.

We have an important meeting coming up.

Got it? Huh?

His shoes smell like rotten eggs.

Thus the necklace my mother gave me

Hey, date!

- Yeah? - Mm-hmm.

- Mm. Hello. - Cricket!

Wait. You did what? Wait. Did you put a chip in...?

- You're not totally wrong. Yeah. - Yeah.

Well, now it's $2.50, Crick, so you want the job or not?

- Oh. Cricket. Cricket. - Ah. Well, don't make up a story.

Your drug dealer?

And I bet you're gonna be high by the end of the night.

- cut you up. - Yeah, just

So am I!

I loved how you ruined that dad.

Okay? Hey, we had an agreement.

Look, Cricket, I'm sure whatever street mongrel you're dating...

Yeah. I am going to be running a company soon.

- You want the lemons or not? - Unbelievable.

After everything they've done to me.

My dad'll be so worried about me,

Did someone put you up to this?

Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

let's go in this meeting and show this guy

Dad, I told you we couldn't trust him.

to keeping your business. Now, look,

I said I guess I'm gonna have to cut...

What changed your mind, Tom?

Tom, let's discuss this.

I got to see the world.

It's Valentine's Day and Paddy's is packed. Dennis tries to get the gang to do one single day of work, but they are more interested in a mystery crate in the alley.

Out of 20.

What? You're not done.

underage drinking situation on our hands?

Dude, can you go clear the lines for me?

What are you doing? Don't-don't reach your hands directly in the...

Jesus Christ... Oh, God. Look,

Yeah, maybe.

- That was a big one. Thank you. - The other one, too.

Why the hell did you do that? We don't do valentines anymore.

Oh, ho, I remember the anthrax scare.

if I go in the bathroom and smoke some PCP?

you know, trying to trick each other into doing our jobs

Why won't it harden?

Well, that's-that's not such a mystery.

what I'm gonna do during the next inspection,

Well, no, 'cause he's known that forever, so it's, you know...

- just seems, like, totally out of the blue, and, like... - It's, like, a bullshit thing, right?

- He wants us to "mop up the yuck puddle." - Oh!

- something that Dennis doesn't have. - Right, that's true.

for Dennis, but I feel like he's not emotionally available to...

If you just pretend to like the worm,

For pay or for free?

on each other with the hate mail.

Well, I was right in the middle of a sentence, but... what?

Stop answering questions I'm not asking, okay?

- Uh, just-just trick somebody else into it. - No, that's not what I'm...

Oh, oh! Wait, wait, wait, wait! Dee, Dee, Dee.

- I can't believe you don't know! - I have no idea!

- You did? - Yeah-huh.

- Oh, guess what, I bought these for him. - Mmm...

Oh, but I would, Frank.

I'm poisoned.

Take this discussion someplace else.

I gave myself Jerry on purpose.

'cause you've been eating all those sewer crabs, man, but..

I would love to pull that dead worm out of you.

- Who's ready to die, bitches?! - Dee...

I will end us all.

Everything rhymes with Dee.

♪ You're the... ♪

♪ Life sweet for... I ♪

pink and red, and you sing a heart song for me?!

What are you... what are you guys doing?!

What?!

Dee dates a male stripper and tries to prove her worth after learning she's his "rock bottom." Elsewhere, Mac and Frank get sucked into a VR war game, leading Mac to develop a case of PTSD.

Um... I don't remember your name.

(clicks tongue)

- I got to stop. This is too real. - What, what?

because he gets to take his clothes off

You were raised by a woman who was basically a prostitute.

A woman can't rape a guy.

if this Mike fella wants to walk away

need you to have a look at my back, you know,

Yeah, that's cool, right?

(yelling, groaning)

Guess we...

Wait! Wait, Dad! Who do you love?

(Dennis hums along percussively to dance music)

(gasping)

- Dead kids, dads. - Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, Mac.

Dude, you're putting the work in, and it's showing, man.

They want to have sex with their dads.

I'm their dad. How could I also be your dad?

- of your librarian trauma? - You're talking about Ms. Klinsky?

- What, are you 40? - Yup.

Daddy?

- we can finish the damn game. - What's up, dicks?

Really? Oh, I just figured you based

I don't feel nothing about it.

you know, and I just don't see how that's possibly true, so,

I don't... How is that rock bottom behavior?

- You ever play Fallujah? - Beat it five times.

What is happening here?

I broke out of jail and came straight to see you.

- I mean, I'm actually going insane. - DENNIS: You know,

Okay. Uh, whatever. Uh, uh...

We'll do it at Paddy's. It'll be a win-win.

- Cougars. Whatever, man. - Yeah.

_

(distorted voices)

(gasps) Oh. What happened?

Well, where's Mike? I want to finish the game.

You're a great stripper? I got you this gig.

- Look good? - I don't know. What do you think?

from the fron... A Chinaman. And he did not know

"Hey, I might actually, uh...

The gang fight over a lottery ticket and seek out an arbitrator to decide a rightful owner, who also decides if Frank is a hero or hate monger.

- Now you're getting it. - Me.

It's Phil.

Each of you will have an opportunity to plead your case.

The other guy was not our style.

I actually bought the ticket a couple of weeks ago.

And why hadn't you scratched the ticket yet?

What are you talking... You just said

it's not the whole truth.

So, you're smoking now, Dee?

Well, at least I have a 46% chance

or whether or not your hands are the right size.

And she's instructed to give

Cassie's underage.

You know, much like an IRA.

No, I was, uh, between the ages of 18 and 21,

- Are you sure? - DENNIS: No, with my... no.

I decided to follow her this morning.

Correct. But I deserve it, and here's why.

- Well, I didn't, really... - You just said you did.

- Well, now I have more questions. - Of course you do.

Well, it doesn't matter anyway, all right,

Look, nobody is debating whether or not

had I not warned you, thereby saving your life!

which were the words that saved Mac's life.

FRANK: Look out, faggot!

but it was an offensive slur.

If you were going to save somebody else's life,

Yeah, you know what? We're, uh, we're treading

and that hasn't been a problem?

When you're trying to make a woman feel small.

Exactly. There's nothing offensive about sucking cock.

Oh, wait.

tricky, because Frank thinks Mac is gay because...

Okay. All right, hold on.

I'm-a go get the bike.

Mac, why don't you go ahead and operate the bike.

I mean, it's just the craziest...

I modded out a regular workout bike,

- And it works like this. - Uh, no...

Now, I even have an amazing tagline.

This... this has nothing to do with being gay.

(overlapping arguing)

I will make my decision based on fairness and compromise.

in possession if his life were not saved by Mr. Reynolds,

He may be a bigot and he did use disgusting speech,

Now you're gay?

A cat-woman, AKA Maureen Ponderosa, is found dead in an alley and Dennis becomes the main suspect.

and, uh, kept my cool.

I'd never seen anything like it.

Of something.

Maureen died three years ago.

that would suggest him capable of murder?

I mean, it was just like boys

It was gruesome.

but that's because i simply couldn't believe

That's why I started recording all our conversations.

He was just trying to deflect attention,

Is that me?

Some little kid choke on a hairball and die.

There's no sweatshop.

Narrator: Investigators wanted to verify the timeline

and we make wiseacre remarks the entire time.

so he ends up just saying a line from borat or Austin powers.

that Mike Myers plays in-in the same movie.

Narrator: Investigators could find no discrepancies

Deandra Reynolds refused to be a part of this documentary

So, you see, Dennis totally saw Maureen that night.

And-and intimidate Charlie? Please. What am I gonna do?

another breakthrough came:

Look, is getting groomed like a cat by your ex weird?

Dee Reynolds had, oddly,

Franks Fluids LLC is in big trouble after a news segment shows Wolf Cola has become the official drink of Boko Haram. Dee and Dennis help with the PR nightmare while Charlie and Mac work on a scheme to make Fight Milk the official drink of the UFC.

Hey, do you mind?

I never saw an ounce of puss.

I got this, I got this.

which means we only have

All right? There's only one thing

MAN: Hey, guys.

We're the founders and creators of Fight Milk.

- Yeah. - I feel like you were being unclear.

I don't know what you guys are talking about right now,

Yeah, thanks, guys.

Nothing cuts weight like Fight Milk.

- Yeah. - We just got you some merch.

♪ ♪

- Yeah, and I've got many facts to do it. - No. No, no, no, no.

You say you're sorry, and then you just move on.

No. Women identify with women in power.

is the team from Wolf Cola.

and we really care about people's concerns.

And I want to say thank you to America...

That's good to know.

Boko Haram is just concentrating,

pretty much everybody wanting to rape me.

Huh? Crow traps, baby. Look.

You guys, the problem is, I just ooze sexuality.

Frank, we're not going into business with terrorists.

- stupid idiot. - Yep.

(caws)

It's a landslide!

- Well, what do you guys think? - I don't get it.

maybe in this area...

- to men than you already are, okay? - All right.

- It's... - You know what, Charlie?

- Yeah. - that gave you the power to fight like a crow!

From dog fighting to finding a loving home.

with controversial remarks.

Yes, but we are not apologizing.

that for every can of Wolf Cola sold,

- By all means. - Okay.

And we can say that without saying I'm sorry.

- Great. Thanks. - Not a dog

uh, Chet. Okay, trust me. We're just afraid to admit it

going to football games and UFC fights,

Know what I'm saying? I should be able to eat a bucket

Yeah, we're scared to shit we ain't gonna make weight.

and that's why you look so beefy and so handsome.

Charlie thinks Mac's mom is holding his mom hostage, so the gang installs spy cameras in their house to monitor what's going on. What they end up discovering is the moms are quite entertaining once Dennis makes some quick edits and adds a laugh track to the surveillance footage. Dee wants in on the new hit show, and Frank becomes obsessed with banging Charlie's mom now that he's seen her on TV. MORE -LESS

She poured hot soup on me!

We-we could also get some soup.

Yeah, no, it's no joke. I like how you moved the desk.

in the live feed.

- Huh. - Uh... what the hell, man?

say, "Why, I oughta." He was threatening to beat his wife.

we-we don't really know for sure whether it's funny or not.

The Honeymooners. I just thought, "This isn't very funny."

I tell you what, why don't we stick around back here

Mm-hmm.

- It's amazing. - Huh.

Put me on the show.

Look at them, they're just smashing each other with stuff.

You are a horrible woman,

tells me when I should laugh.

how playful and fun my mom's coming off.

- She's pushing the... - I'm concerned about longevity.

- Hang on. - What's up?

One, two, three.

Please don't have him be in a ditch somewhere,

with your mom as the star, I mean,

Now I'm thinking about a glass of water to go with the chips.

Sort of brighten you up a little bit.

He will beep that, and that'll be... funny.

"I can't even."

What are you doing?

Just swingin' by to say, "Hello."

Mrs. Kelly, can you please help me out?

- Oh, come on in. - Okay.

Thank you.

No, n-n-not the fart, no.

What-what if you make him like a,

- Well... - That's... I don't want to genre jump.

- Those are interesting. - Those are names,

What are you talking about? You can't kick my mom out.

Not now, Deandra.

gonna be having company. I would have put my hands on.

between Jack, your mom and Frank?

I don't want to stand here no more.

The gang takes a trip to a local water park, ripe with personal agendas and ulterior motives. Dennis feeds off his mantra of "the park provides" and takes on a protégé. Frank and Charlie are determined to ride every ride by any means necessary and Mac and Dee get stuck in a tube slide for most of the day.

- Dee, you got to move. - Me move? You move.

Do not panic, that's the worst thing you can do.

I can't ever tell which way is north on a map.

- I know, goddamn it. - Where's he going?

FRANK: AIDS!

There's two kind of AIDS...

(indistinct chatter, splashing)

I try to take her to fun places like this.

us being at a water park,

Can I please have $20?

What the hell?

What's interesting?

No, it's just squeezing me further into the stuck!

- is turning light pink. - MAC: Ugh...

there's probably a reason, okay?

Come on. Ah, this friggin' dome's like a magnifying glass.

no matter how alluring it is,

Okay.

Guys, I gotta take a poop.

Hi. Off-duty, of course.

Well, then you need to pay for these sunglasses.

honestly, I want to thank you for everything.

let me tell you something:

they replace it, no questions asked.

- ♪ Still love you like that ♪ - ♪ Murderer ♪

No, you need a raft! You need a raft!

♪ Cut to fade is me, fade to cut is she ♪

- My sunglasses. - Oh, all of our chains!

- You goddamn nerd! - Go.

You doing a fake daughter thing?

(whooping)

- Frank, we did it, man! - Charlie!

We just finished construction.

- No, no, no. - No surrender. No man left behind.

- Well, I got to tell you something, though, I... - Huh?

When we get out of here, I'm gonna kill you!

- They're just pissing all over us! - Goddamn it.

Like the girl in the pool drain

(indistinct chatter)

Then I swiped his wristband, so he can't get back in.

Now, why don't you tell your mom

Are you kidding me?

but you get my point.

After an electric heating blanket shorts out while the gang watches the Wiz they look in the mirror and realize they've turned black. They have to figure out how to get back to being themselves by going through all the classic body switch movie shenanigans they encounter.

♪ I wonder if we're living out The Wiz in some way ♪

♪ A Boy Thing, A Girl Thing ♪

but he didn't know it unless he saw his reflection.

Okay, guys, I think I know what's happening here.

♪ What are the rules? ♪

this is gonna keep happening, I think. Oh, God.

But are they gonna look like us, though?

Don't force the Wiz thing.

I appear to be a guy named Reggie Williams.

This kid's got 25 bucks.

that black people will ruin your credit.

got to kind of rock the car a little bit. Wiggle it down?

It's all good, it's all good.

This is the exact same place where I found Old Black Man...

Just... I feel like whoever zapped us here is probably listening.

because, you know, guys like Z, they don't like strangers.

♪ I haven't had the chance to say before ♪

- Absolutely not. - Why? I'm black now.

♪ What do you mean? ♪

What's up, my niggas?

and brought to Dee's apartment to, uh,

He right over there laying.

Listen, I'm a social worker,

♪ Well, we hang in a bar ♪

♪ Guess I'm just another black kid ♪

I-I didn't mean us, I meant them.

♪ Let's open our hearts for much more room ♪

♪ Let's draw good conclusions ♪

We're church blacks!

- Carl. - Ruth.

Oh, what?

- Why do you got a mop? - Researching a role.

Ziggy, now!

♪ Take me far, far from here ♪

♪ Played poker with The Fall Guy ♪

Hey, Hollywood.

Well, maybe that's the lesson that we have to learn.

♪ What are the rules? ♪

- Bakula. - Bakula.

♪ What are the rules? ♪

Oh, my God! Charlie! I can't believe I didn't think of this.

Yeah, right?

Hey, open up! We need your help! Open the door!

♪ Ooh... ♪ ♪ My kind brother ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh ♪

♪ Ah... ♪